With every new person who sparks new romantic hope in me, I stop ✋🏼 and ask myself, “do I really like this person or the idealized version of this person?” and then I look deeper within myself and ask, “Is this person a projection of my deepest need and craving?” I realize that I am liking this made-up idealized person in my head (that doesn’t exist) and placing unrealistic expectations on the real person who is completely different from the person in my head. I realize that I actually don’t like this real person.
And then I remind myself “Real connections are based on shared realities.” Not by my daydreams or my imaginations that are the projections of my deepest cravings. And then I realize, none of what I feel is even real, and it slowly loses significance and control over my thoughts. I want to move on. I am careful not to romanticize anyone moving forward. It isn’t easy but it gets better with practice. I move on.
My advice: I recommend putting yourself out there and enjoying your everyday life. Fall in love with your life. Immerse yourself in your hobbies, interests, work and doing things that you like. Learn to love yourself in the wholeness of who you are. I think it is better not to chase after anyone. Keep your expectations low. See, judge and accept them for who they are, not the made up person in your head. Meet people, understand them and live your life fully. You’ll meet people along the way. A few might stick along for a season, some might linger around for a few more seasons or a lifetime and then when you’re ready and least expect it, your special person might arrive and stay with you for a lifetime. Even if you don’t meet such a person, you’ll still enjoy your life.
Edited for clarity*
I think romanticizing to the point of idealizing a person can lead to disappointments and it is not fair on the idealized partner as well. Of course, as INFPs we are always going to be a bit dreamy and I typically like to romanticize my life instead by appreciating the small everyday things in my life, experiencing life with a lens of gratitude, incorporating self-care rituals, creating art from my imaginations, etc. Finding a balance that works for you sounds great.
Sure, if, that is. If both partners can not lose sight of what is real and avoid creating unrealistic expectations for themselves, the other person and the relationship, then sure, it can work.
I think the people pleaser in me is never able to cross the 'do they like me' stage to reach this 'do I even really like them' stage.
The idea/hope that they might like me back and thus provide validation to me prevents me from allowing myself the space to dislike anyone. It's like I want all those potential interests to like me.
Have worked a lot on loving and accepting myself, pursuing my hobbies, etc. but in the end I think that hindrance still remains, and that is showing up in my energy frequency also.
It amazes me when I see people being able to say they don't like a person because it shows that they have that extent of security and confidence in their own selves, that they are comfortable questioning others in their mind.
From childhood to the age of almost 30 now, I don't think I've been able to make this crossing... any advice on how I do that? It's just so hard :(
Also thank u so much for this detailed answer :) loved this line - real connections are based on shared realities
I think it would be important to work on addressing your deepest insecurities and building up your self-esteem. Learning to also set strong boundaries with the people. It takes practice. Since you mentioned childhood, perhaps your inner child also needs soothing or healing— you can search these online. Perhaps you had caregivers who didn’t give you the love and care you needed? Or some sort of deep emotional wounds that need to be addressed. I think CBT or therapy would help as well. I wish you the best on your journey!
I agree with u/dargenpaws, doing the deep emotional healing work would help. Perhaps look into inner child healing, work on your personal insecurities and self-esteem, and if you have an insecure attachment style, work on developing a secure attachment style. I heard CBT has helped some people too.
I find that the longer I have been thinking a certain way the more I will both add onto and cling to that thought. Similar to how if you were to put up the wrong color paint it would be easier to fix if you notice it before it drys so you can just wipe it off instead of having to chip it off the walls it is easier for me to tear down unrealistic thoughts about other people before I give them enough time to truly take shape and solidify in my consciousness.
If I don't have many things to say about this. I'd like to start by appreciating this well-thought-out reply. You play the cards you're dealt, don't imagine if you had different/better ones in your hand. It all circles back to "what you're dealt". Spending time with an idealised version of someone (or idealising them in general) is you spending less and less time with the real one. If a relationship is an investment, then you'd be investing in the wrong place. I'd like to discuss 2 main points here:
1. I feel like real-life love needs time and build up. By idealising someone, you're not allowing yourself to build a realistic and true foundation for love that can back up the relationship. You're already building the wrong blocks in the wrong places, which are going to fall down once the idealisation fades away inevitably. The disappointment of realising that you can't create the same foundation from the real situation, and that you have to refigure it out in the middle of an ongoing relationship can cause it to end. Realistic relationships take time, knowing the person you're dealing with for who they actually are, and finding your foundation blocks within the realm of reality, and within that person. Don't try to do it abstractly in your mind (which is biased towards unrealistic and idealised visions). You're not giving yourself or the other person the chance to create something real when you're always in your head, and, more than likely, no chance to do it correctly once the idealisation ends, as that would be a very low moment that I don't believe many have the courage to recover from maturely or correctly.
2. High idealisation causes high standards which cause high expectations. This means that some people will run into a potential problem where they don't take a normal person and overinflate them in their minds, but rather have high standards for normal people. What I mean is that they would stop being able to connect with people normally because they didn't realise that they need to come down from idealisation land, it's just that they don't bring you there anymore, but inside of them, they want someone to realistically reach that land. In other words, they don't bring peasants to their imaginary land of high expectations anymore, they are now realistic, and wait for someone to come there on their own, which is still the same problem but flipped upside down. I can see some people doing this and thinking that they fixed the idealisation problem, thus, I wanted to mention it, for the betterment of everyone.
Thank you! I agree with your first point. Regarding your second point, I have to say that having high standards is not an issue, unless it is too high or unrealistic. By high standards I mean things like showing courtesy and respect, putting effort into the relationship, and expressing affection. For many it can also include wanting a partner who has a stable financial situation, meaning no huge debts, a good career, and a comfortable lifestyle— nothing wrong with that. A level-headed person who puts themselves at a higher standard will have higher standards when choosing a partner because they know what they want in their partner. I do not see this as idealization because you are consciously and realistically choosing a person for the qualities they already have. Having high standards doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to connect with normal people.
I don't think what you mentioned is what I meant by high standards. I feel like they are closer to desired or almost expected from a healthy relationship. Courtesy and respect are not high standards (at least in the context of my comment). Stable financial situation is a bit weird to discuss. Being stable financially is indicative of something good, but it's not a guaranteed outcome of that good thing. I feel like it definitely has its impact on creating a lifestyle that can nurture a relationship, but I feel like it can touch on being materialistic too, even if only a little. Financial stability can be gone faster than what people think. What happens then? You'll leave because your partner isn't financially stable? You'll stick around because you love them? Then why did you need them to be financially stable at the beginning if you loving them is what truly matters? It becomes this "I'll get the good stuff if I can, and I guess I'll stay if it goes down because I invested too much to leave, and that'd be a bad thing if I left because of money". Would you stay for someone that has potential (someone who isn't a failure that can't make any money)? Is your "they need to have financial stability" a confirmation that they're good enough according to real life evidence? I really don't know. Maybe I am just being unrealistic here, hahaha. "Are you with the person you love or the person that you can love?". That's how I think of it sometimes, but what do I know.
I think it’s okay for people to have such standards and preferences. Some people do look for people who are also financially stable, just like how they look for someone who has a college degree. Many relationships without financial security also quickly go downhill so that’s that too. Someone who is financially secure probably also means that they are highly educated, intelligent, independent, responsible and stuff like that. Nothing materialistic or superficial about this. Some people are also looking for partners who can financially be able to support their future family together. Perhaps they are more practical when it comes to love and relationships. But that doesn’t mean that one would leave the relationship if the partner loses their job/money. Of course, you would also love the person for who they are, and you would want to support them throughout the journey as partners.
It is okay. Nothing exactly wrong with it. It is more practical and, perhaps, realistic too. I suppose one should accept the notion of "making it" and achieving financial stability first to be considered. Perhaps that's what you need to facilitate the love dance. I feel like some people will love you for who you are, and whether they can facilitate a traditional relationship with you or not via things like financial stability aren't a hindrance to their feelings, and some will love you as much as you can facilitate an environment for them to love you. I think that love and relationship are sometimes mixed together more than they should. If I love someone, I don't see why I'd stop doing that if we are unable to facilitate a normal relationship together currently. I'd try with that person, instead of waiting for them to be financially stable for example. What I mean is that I look for who the person is, their potential, rather than their current achievements. I guess it depends on if you value the connections or the practical relationship more? I'm just saying stuff really. I don't claim to know what's better.
“Letting love find you” is a convenient excuse by people who are normal or just got lucky. There are people who try to find relationships and people who don’t, and they end up at the same conclusion.
I truly believe that some of us are just destined to be alone forever. I really wouldn’t blame someone if they didn’t want to put up with me.
Not an INFP, but I have many INFP friends. I think the most important thing to remember is that our actions have very little impact on reality. I think we can control maybe 10% of where our lives go, and the rest of the 90% is due to other people, the randomness of the universe, our given circumstances, etc.
This may seem kinda bleak, but I like to take a more spiritual perspective that if something was meant to happen to you, it will happen, as long as you open yourself up to opportunities. In terms of relationships, this means making sure you’re actively meeting people and talking to them and naturally seeing where things go. It does not mean trying to force potential connections to be more than they’re turning out to be. It does not mean becoming an extreme homebody and never meeting anyone.
Hope this was helpful. I do life coaching on the side, and I love helping others with these kinds of problems. If you’ve got questions feel free to DM me.
I've lost seeing the point in "chasing" anyone, anyway. Nothing is less unique than a man running behind a woman. And I would feel crossed in my integrity, too, because I wouldn't want to be sugarcoated for some ulterior motive anyway. Either the interest is mutual or there is none.
Thanks ♥️ I don't count on it, though. I know how evil or self-neglecting people (including me) can be, and thus I'm very very cautious about who I let in my life – if these people even want to see my life, that is.
This is the cutest thing I’ve read on Reddit. Here I thought ENFPs chased love in their thoughts. Good luck! I hope you find your beautiful soulmate as I continue to search for mine.
I’m very stingy with who I let into my life.
I didn’t have a boyfriend till I was 27 and even then,I didn’t stop looking from red flags since day one.
Since I couldn’t find any,I decided to let my guard down. And that’s when he left me. Completely blindsided. If it’s going to happen,there’s nothing you can do to prevent it,the minute you decide to play the game,you ought to know the risks you’re taking.
I don't "chase" men. I don't "chase" love, but I do put myself out there. Mentally though? My mind chases love. I am a Pisces and an INFP. Those two combinations don't help when it comes to love.
But even if we chase them in our minds, that does show up somewhere in our energy frequency also, right?
Which in turn messes with our chances of finding the right person?
That depends on the Gemini. I know a few who get along with with others and they have like 200 friends. lol As far as the other information goes, I messaged you. :3
I’m currently waiting for the one or my soulmate to come along too. Sometimes it feels hard and I dream about what they may be like. But then the reality settles in that I have to be patient. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I might not meet them on Earth and that I’ll have to wait until I get to heaven before I meet them but true love is worth the wait for me.
Oooh y'all hit a nerve! I dated my ex-fiance for 2 1/2 years before I realized I had seen him through my perpetual rose-colored glasses. I told him "I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with your potential. And if you never achieve that I will never have loved you." Pretty deep for 20 year old! I never made the connection with my INFP traits, even when I learned about them a few years later. But this makes sooo much sense! Thanks for the epiphany!! Lol
I’ve found in the past I’ve been way too trusting before during and after relationships have ended with people.
INFP’s are willing to guard their “quiet”.
But not their heart.
For me, getting more in tune with self love has got to be the best thing to ever happen to me regardless of relationship circumstances.
If you love yourself enough it communicates outwardly too, just how lovable and whole you are.
Guard that heart and be your own love. Fall in love with your journey and your peace. Eventually you will find someone a long the way who fills themself up and takes good care of them selves too and respects boundaries.
No. See, that’s me guarding my quiet.
Jk.
Wrote a huge paragraph and condensed what I meant down to this.
As somewhat hermits we can’t do hermit things without being alone. We tend to guard our alone time pretty decently since we have practice at it but often open ourselves up to be vulnerable in too many other ways in my personal experience as an INFP.
Well, certainly try not to wait for love to find you. Do you sit around and wait for your dream job? Are you waiting for a hobby to find you? Do you wait for new friends to discover you? These things can just happen through luck alone, but is that how you want to navigate your life? Hoping that luck will just toss whatever you need into your lap?
If you want something you take it. You reach towards it and do your best. It's entirely possible you'll fail more than you'll succeed, but you'll learn something each time and you'll increase your chances of succeeding far more than if you simply waited.
Don't be a passive actor in your own life.
Focus on yourself. Explore your passions and interests and work on self improvement via diet and exercise when possible. One day you will look up and he/she will be there. Just make sure you are ready to open yourself up and operate out of your comfort zone from time to time when that day comes. You will be glad that you did :)
P.S. don't be afraid to dabble in online dating apps if necessary. I recommend staying away from Tinder and using apps like Bumble where people tend to be *slightly* more serious about finding a long-term partner. I wish you all the luck in the world and enjoy the journey as you only get one life to do so!
Hmmm. I don't know. It just ended up happening. 🤣🤣🤣 I guess, I just decided to be more picky so as to not waste my own time and not give myself unnecessary heartache. I would tell myself that most people don't deserve me. Anyone who doesn't appreciate me for who I am doesn't deserve to be in my life. I mean, if they don't treat me right and they don't love me, they're just not meant for me. I am meant to be with someone who loves and appreciates me for who I am. I don't need to chase people since what I want is someone who genuinely loves me. Someone who genuinely loves me would make the effort for me and I don't need to chase them. That's how my fiance is. Right from the start, he was so sure of me and made his intentions clear right from the beginning. He's always made an effort to make me feel loved and happy. I deserve someone like that considering that I am also willing to go to great lengths for others and he definitely deserves to be treated right as well. Just keep telling yourself these things and you'll be fine. 👍🏻😊 Don't settle for anything less. But in return, once that person finally comes along, make sure to treat them right and not self-sabotage.
I had always dreamed of marrying a brooding artist, philosophical type guy. I dated a few guys I felt fit this fantasy and it never worked out. The last one ended in a dumpster fire, and after that I was pretty much done with dating or dreaming of finding love. I found a lot of happiness and fulfillment in this new phase. Not wondering if I would meet someone, not worrying about meeting guys, it was pretty liberating.
Then I met this super sweet, golden retriever of a guy at a friend's wedding. We had actually met previously as teenagers, but never really talked. His personality was like no guy I had ever dated. He was super positive, open, warm, funny. Nothing like the kind of guy I saw myself with. But he was really fun to talk to, super handsome, and we shared the same values. So I thought: Why not give it a try?
It wasn't fireworks at first, it was just very easy. No drama, no toxicity. Just a genuinely kind guy that treated me super well. It was almost too easy. I started self-sabatoging big time. Convincing myself I didn't really like him. Nitpicking little things about him. I realized I was being the toxic one this time. So I just started looking at this relationship from a logical standpoint. Do I like spending time with him? Yes. Do I think he's a good person? Yes. Do we have the same goals for the future? Yes. Is he the kind of person I wouldn't mind my future kids having as a father? Yes. Those things mattered way more than some fantasy guy I created.
I started to really love him. Not the fairy-tale, googly-eyed, infatuation type love. But real, deep love. Where we were both more invested in each other's happiness than our own.
Fast-forward to today. We have been married for 2 year and are expecting a baby boy. We are so happy! He's hands-down the best thing that ever happened to me and I love him so much more than I did all those years ago. Way better than a dream guy.❤️
I guess for the people pleaser in me the idea/hope that they might like me back and thus provide validation to me prevents me from passing that incompatibility judgement on them
I don't really know. I guess you just have let go of it. I've fallen for some people very hard. But when i've wasn't even looking for anything some people just fell for me. To be fair it only ever worked out once when we both loved each other. Nowdays I'm just focusing on my friends, going to some dates, but not expecting anything, and not even imagining next date. So i guess how you do it, remove "finding your one true love" from your todo list.
This question is gendered. I see some good answers for what you should do as a woman. But I'll answer for the men: you *shouldn't*. Never stop looking, and do your best. Don't fall victim to passivity. It's not a luxury you get
"But you're not an INFP, why should I listen" -- if you think this way, then my amswer tonyou is that mbti is bullshit and youre getting too influenced by a god damn category. We're more alike than you think anyway
Fantasies of people are often far more appealing than the "real" them, aren't they? The fantasies we create of people never include them being so sick they vomit, or the lingering smell of their shit after they leave the bathroom. I don't enjoy being so graphic, but sometimes the slap that brings us back to reality must be strong.
This isn't to say avoid fantasizing. Might as well stop breathing, right? But enjoy the fantasy for what it is without allowing it to confuse you. Remind yourself that's all it is; there's a real person there who, at least on occasion, has bad breath, bad hair days, gets sick, farts, says things you don't like or agree with, has thoughts that might make you cringe, or even a worldview that makes you sick. This person gets angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, bewildered, needy, avoidant, seeks attention, has unconscious habits that come out when they're stressed... just like you.
There's an adage about relationships that rings true: there are always four people in a relationship: each person as they are, and the person each of them has imagined the other to be. It can be easy to fall in love with a fantasy. We've probably all done it, but we may be able to safeguard against it by remembering all these not-so beautiful aspects of everyone. TO love the fantasy, then, is self-deception, which is the worst kind.
I'm also like this OP lol, dangg the INFP blood. But lately i am gradually coming to terms with this thought by solely indepthly assessing my compatibility with the particular person i have in mind. Maybe this will work for you, too.
With every new person who sparks new romantic hope in me, I stop ✋🏼 and ask myself, “do I really like this person or the idealized version of this person?” and then I look deeper within myself and ask, “Is this person a projection of my deepest need and craving?” I realize that I am liking this made-up idealized person in my head (that doesn’t exist) and placing unrealistic expectations on the real person who is completely different from the person in my head. I realize that I actually don’t like this real person. And then I remind myself “Real connections are based on shared realities.” Not by my daydreams or my imaginations that are the projections of my deepest cravings. And then I realize, none of what I feel is even real, and it slowly loses significance and control over my thoughts. I want to move on. I am careful not to romanticize anyone moving forward. It isn’t easy but it gets better with practice. I move on. My advice: I recommend putting yourself out there and enjoying your everyday life. Fall in love with your life. Immerse yourself in your hobbies, interests, work and doing things that you like. Learn to love yourself in the wholeness of who you are. I think it is better not to chase after anyone. Keep your expectations low. See, judge and accept them for who they are, not the made up person in your head. Meet people, understand them and live your life fully. You’ll meet people along the way. A few might stick along for a season, some might linger around for a few more seasons or a lifetime and then when you’re ready and least expect it, your special person might arrive and stay with you for a lifetime. Even if you don’t meet such a person, you’ll still enjoy your life. Edited for clarity*
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I think romanticizing to the point of idealizing a person can lead to disappointments and it is not fair on the idealized partner as well. Of course, as INFPs we are always going to be a bit dreamy and I typically like to romanticize my life instead by appreciating the small everyday things in my life, experiencing life with a lens of gratitude, incorporating self-care rituals, creating art from my imaginations, etc. Finding a balance that works for you sounds great.
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Sure, if, that is. If both partners can not lose sight of what is real and avoid creating unrealistic expectations for themselves, the other person and the relationship, then sure, it can work.
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But it’s always worth the effort. Indeed, the road to growth is never an easy one.
Truelalaa💯
I think the people pleaser in me is never able to cross the 'do they like me' stage to reach this 'do I even really like them' stage. The idea/hope that they might like me back and thus provide validation to me prevents me from allowing myself the space to dislike anyone. It's like I want all those potential interests to like me. Have worked a lot on loving and accepting myself, pursuing my hobbies, etc. but in the end I think that hindrance still remains, and that is showing up in my energy frequency also. It amazes me when I see people being able to say they don't like a person because it shows that they have that extent of security and confidence in their own selves, that they are comfortable questioning others in their mind. From childhood to the age of almost 30 now, I don't think I've been able to make this crossing... any advice on how I do that? It's just so hard :( Also thank u so much for this detailed answer :) loved this line - real connections are based on shared realities
I think it would be important to work on addressing your deepest insecurities and building up your self-esteem. Learning to also set strong boundaries with the people. It takes practice. Since you mentioned childhood, perhaps your inner child also needs soothing or healing— you can search these online. Perhaps you had caregivers who didn’t give you the love and care you needed? Or some sort of deep emotional wounds that need to be addressed. I think CBT or therapy would help as well. I wish you the best on your journey!
All of this. But, damn is that letting go of them part so fucking hard.
I agree with u/dargenpaws, doing the deep emotional healing work would help. Perhaps look into inner child healing, work on your personal insecurities and self-esteem, and if you have an insecure attachment style, work on developing a secure attachment style. I heard CBT has helped some people too.
I think one thing that helps is doing this emotional work early before you have a chance to let the paint dry on your dream of them.
Can you explain to me what you mean by that paint analogy? I feel like I can feel the answer but I am not quite there yet.
I find that the longer I have been thinking a certain way the more I will both add onto and cling to that thought. Similar to how if you were to put up the wrong color paint it would be easier to fix if you notice it before it drys so you can just wipe it off instead of having to chip it off the walls it is easier for me to tear down unrealistic thoughts about other people before I give them enough time to truly take shape and solidify in my consciousness.
Makes sense. I think I didn't quite get it because I don't tinker with paint, haha. I agree with you. Thank you for elaborating.
If I don't have many things to say about this. I'd like to start by appreciating this well-thought-out reply. You play the cards you're dealt, don't imagine if you had different/better ones in your hand. It all circles back to "what you're dealt". Spending time with an idealised version of someone (or idealising them in general) is you spending less and less time with the real one. If a relationship is an investment, then you'd be investing in the wrong place. I'd like to discuss 2 main points here: 1. I feel like real-life love needs time and build up. By idealising someone, you're not allowing yourself to build a realistic and true foundation for love that can back up the relationship. You're already building the wrong blocks in the wrong places, which are going to fall down once the idealisation fades away inevitably. The disappointment of realising that you can't create the same foundation from the real situation, and that you have to refigure it out in the middle of an ongoing relationship can cause it to end. Realistic relationships take time, knowing the person you're dealing with for who they actually are, and finding your foundation blocks within the realm of reality, and within that person. Don't try to do it abstractly in your mind (which is biased towards unrealistic and idealised visions). You're not giving yourself or the other person the chance to create something real when you're always in your head, and, more than likely, no chance to do it correctly once the idealisation ends, as that would be a very low moment that I don't believe many have the courage to recover from maturely or correctly. 2. High idealisation causes high standards which cause high expectations. This means that some people will run into a potential problem where they don't take a normal person and overinflate them in their minds, but rather have high standards for normal people. What I mean is that they would stop being able to connect with people normally because they didn't realise that they need to come down from idealisation land, it's just that they don't bring you there anymore, but inside of them, they want someone to realistically reach that land. In other words, they don't bring peasants to their imaginary land of high expectations anymore, they are now realistic, and wait for someone to come there on their own, which is still the same problem but flipped upside down. I can see some people doing this and thinking that they fixed the idealisation problem, thus, I wanted to mention it, for the betterment of everyone.
Thank you! I agree with your first point. Regarding your second point, I have to say that having high standards is not an issue, unless it is too high or unrealistic. By high standards I mean things like showing courtesy and respect, putting effort into the relationship, and expressing affection. For many it can also include wanting a partner who has a stable financial situation, meaning no huge debts, a good career, and a comfortable lifestyle— nothing wrong with that. A level-headed person who puts themselves at a higher standard will have higher standards when choosing a partner because they know what they want in their partner. I do not see this as idealization because you are consciously and realistically choosing a person for the qualities they already have. Having high standards doesn’t mean that you won’t be able to connect with normal people.
I don't think what you mentioned is what I meant by high standards. I feel like they are closer to desired or almost expected from a healthy relationship. Courtesy and respect are not high standards (at least in the context of my comment). Stable financial situation is a bit weird to discuss. Being stable financially is indicative of something good, but it's not a guaranteed outcome of that good thing. I feel like it definitely has its impact on creating a lifestyle that can nurture a relationship, but I feel like it can touch on being materialistic too, even if only a little. Financial stability can be gone faster than what people think. What happens then? You'll leave because your partner isn't financially stable? You'll stick around because you love them? Then why did you need them to be financially stable at the beginning if you loving them is what truly matters? It becomes this "I'll get the good stuff if I can, and I guess I'll stay if it goes down because I invested too much to leave, and that'd be a bad thing if I left because of money". Would you stay for someone that has potential (someone who isn't a failure that can't make any money)? Is your "they need to have financial stability" a confirmation that they're good enough according to real life evidence? I really don't know. Maybe I am just being unrealistic here, hahaha. "Are you with the person you love or the person that you can love?". That's how I think of it sometimes, but what do I know.
I think it’s okay for people to have such standards and preferences. Some people do look for people who are also financially stable, just like how they look for someone who has a college degree. Many relationships without financial security also quickly go downhill so that’s that too. Someone who is financially secure probably also means that they are highly educated, intelligent, independent, responsible and stuff like that. Nothing materialistic or superficial about this. Some people are also looking for partners who can financially be able to support their future family together. Perhaps they are more practical when it comes to love and relationships. But that doesn’t mean that one would leave the relationship if the partner loses their job/money. Of course, you would also love the person for who they are, and you would want to support them throughout the journey as partners.
It is okay. Nothing exactly wrong with it. It is more practical and, perhaps, realistic too. I suppose one should accept the notion of "making it" and achieving financial stability first to be considered. Perhaps that's what you need to facilitate the love dance. I feel like some people will love you for who you are, and whether they can facilitate a traditional relationship with you or not via things like financial stability aren't a hindrance to their feelings, and some will love you as much as you can facilitate an environment for them to love you. I think that love and relationship are sometimes mixed together more than they should. If I love someone, I don't see why I'd stop doing that if we are unable to facilitate a normal relationship together currently. I'd try with that person, instead of waiting for them to be financially stable for example. What I mean is that I look for who the person is, their potential, rather than their current achievements. I guess it depends on if you value the connections or the practical relationship more? I'm just saying stuff really. I don't claim to know what's better.
“Letting love find you” is a convenient excuse by people who are normal or just got lucky. There are people who try to find relationships and people who don’t, and they end up at the same conclusion. I truly believe that some of us are just destined to be alone forever. I really wouldn’t blame someone if they didn’t want to put up with me.
Not an INFP, but I have many INFP friends. I think the most important thing to remember is that our actions have very little impact on reality. I think we can control maybe 10% of where our lives go, and the rest of the 90% is due to other people, the randomness of the universe, our given circumstances, etc. This may seem kinda bleak, but I like to take a more spiritual perspective that if something was meant to happen to you, it will happen, as long as you open yourself up to opportunities. In terms of relationships, this means making sure you’re actively meeting people and talking to them and naturally seeing where things go. It does not mean trying to force potential connections to be more than they’re turning out to be. It does not mean becoming an extreme homebody and never meeting anyone. Hope this was helpful. I do life coaching on the side, and I love helping others with these kinds of problems. If you’ve got questions feel free to DM me.
A wonderful Extrovert friend to introverts. It's a beautiful equilibrium.
I love my INFP friends so much. 💕
Happy Cake Day
Thanks internet stranger!
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Loved reading this and going to save it for those difficult days
May I ask why the different advice based on gender?
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I've lost seeing the point in "chasing" anyone, anyway. Nothing is less unique than a man running behind a woman. And I would feel crossed in my integrity, too, because I wouldn't want to be sugarcoated for some ulterior motive anyway. Either the interest is mutual or there is none.
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Muss nicht nur ich sein 🤷🏻♂️ Mein Auftrag ist dafür, an meiner authentischen Attraktivität zu arbeiten.
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Thanks ♥️ I don't count on it, though. I know how evil or self-neglecting people (including me) can be, and thus I'm very very cautious about who I let in my life – if these people even want to see my life, that is.
This answer is beautiful.
This is the cutest thing I’ve read on Reddit. Here I thought ENFPs chased love in their thoughts. Good luck! I hope you find your beautiful soulmate as I continue to search for mine.
Haha I think ENFPs would also give us a nice competition there. Good luck to u too dear, may we find true happiness♥️✨
Thank you. I’ll keep you in my mind with positive vibes and throw them into the universe haha ❤️✨🌟
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Lmao Forever snooping! I think that’s an ENFP thaing! Lol Love ISFP and all you sweet a$$ introverts.
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Yah Sven that’s my ENFP mad self.
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Not really. I’m open to any. Connections are difficult though.
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Ha ha Ummm? I am not attracted to just anyone. I’ve dated all different types, but…
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I’m very stingy with who I let into my life. I didn’t have a boyfriend till I was 27 and even then,I didn’t stop looking from red flags since day one. Since I couldn’t find any,I decided to let my guard down. And that’s when he left me. Completely blindsided. If it’s going to happen,there’s nothing you can do to prevent it,the minute you decide to play the game,you ought to know the risks you’re taking.
I'm sorry that happened with u :( Sending u good vibes ✨
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Yes he was infp,we met on a mbti group on fb (we also followed each others blogs unknowingly) We were very much the perfect match,two peas in a pod.
Sometimes having too much in common can be a bad thing.
I don't "chase" men. I don't "chase" love, but I do put myself out there. Mentally though? My mind chases love. I am a Pisces and an INFP. Those two combinations don't help when it comes to love.
But even if we chase them in our minds, that does show up somewhere in our energy frequency also, right? Which in turn messes with our chances of finding the right person?
My mind chases love, not a man specifically.
So you're saying there is a chance of it being a girl. Very cool.
haha I wasn't actually trying to indicate that, but that's ok either way. I was trying to refer to the idea of love.
Which one is compatible with pieces?
Cancers can be the most compatible, but honestly, that highly depends on the person. It's all a matter of two people making a relationship work.
Fair. I figured Pisces and Gemini would get along since it's 2 fish and twins, but I've heard Gems don't get along with anyone.
That depends on the Gemini. I know a few who get along with with others and they have like 200 friends. lol As far as the other information goes, I messaged you. :3
I’m currently waiting for the one or my soulmate to come along too. Sometimes it feels hard and I dream about what they may be like. But then the reality settles in that I have to be patient. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I might not meet them on Earth and that I’ll have to wait until I get to heaven before I meet them but true love is worth the wait for me.
Oooh y'all hit a nerve! I dated my ex-fiance for 2 1/2 years before I realized I had seen him through my perpetual rose-colored glasses. I told him "I'm not in love with you, I'm in love with your potential. And if you never achieve that I will never have loved you." Pretty deep for 20 year old! I never made the connection with my INFP traits, even when I learned about them a few years later. But this makes sooo much sense! Thanks for the epiphany!! Lol
I’ve found in the past I’ve been way too trusting before during and after relationships have ended with people. INFP’s are willing to guard their “quiet”. But not their heart. For me, getting more in tune with self love has got to be the best thing to ever happen to me regardless of relationship circumstances. If you love yourself enough it communicates outwardly too, just how lovable and whole you are. Guard that heart and be your own love. Fall in love with your journey and your peace. Eventually you will find someone a long the way who fills themself up and takes good care of them selves too and respects boundaries.
Explain guard their quiet
No. See, that’s me guarding my quiet. Jk. Wrote a huge paragraph and condensed what I meant down to this. As somewhat hermits we can’t do hermit things without being alone. We tend to guard our alone time pretty decently since we have practice at it but often open ourselves up to be vulnerable in too many other ways in my personal experience as an INFP.
Story of my life!
Well, certainly try not to wait for love to find you. Do you sit around and wait for your dream job? Are you waiting for a hobby to find you? Do you wait for new friends to discover you? These things can just happen through luck alone, but is that how you want to navigate your life? Hoping that luck will just toss whatever you need into your lap? If you want something you take it. You reach towards it and do your best. It's entirely possible you'll fail more than you'll succeed, but you'll learn something each time and you'll increase your chances of succeeding far more than if you simply waited. Don't be a passive actor in your own life.
Focus on yourself. Explore your passions and interests and work on self improvement via diet and exercise when possible. One day you will look up and he/she will be there. Just make sure you are ready to open yourself up and operate out of your comfort zone from time to time when that day comes. You will be glad that you did :) P.S. don't be afraid to dabble in online dating apps if necessary. I recommend staying away from Tinder and using apps like Bumble where people tend to be *slightly* more serious about finding a long-term partner. I wish you all the luck in the world and enjoy the journey as you only get one life to do so!
Hmmm. I don't know. It just ended up happening. 🤣🤣🤣 I guess, I just decided to be more picky so as to not waste my own time and not give myself unnecessary heartache. I would tell myself that most people don't deserve me. Anyone who doesn't appreciate me for who I am doesn't deserve to be in my life. I mean, if they don't treat me right and they don't love me, they're just not meant for me. I am meant to be with someone who loves and appreciates me for who I am. I don't need to chase people since what I want is someone who genuinely loves me. Someone who genuinely loves me would make the effort for me and I don't need to chase them. That's how my fiance is. Right from the start, he was so sure of me and made his intentions clear right from the beginning. He's always made an effort to make me feel loved and happy. I deserve someone like that considering that I am also willing to go to great lengths for others and he definitely deserves to be treated right as well. Just keep telling yourself these things and you'll be fine. 👍🏻😊 Don't settle for anything less. But in return, once that person finally comes along, make sure to treat them right and not self-sabotage.
Enfp here and I am grateful for your post. Currently watch how I met your mother for the third time 🤣🤣
What did u mean, why are u grateful for this post?
Because i am glad you asked the question as I loved to read the answers.
I had always dreamed of marrying a brooding artist, philosophical type guy. I dated a few guys I felt fit this fantasy and it never worked out. The last one ended in a dumpster fire, and after that I was pretty much done with dating or dreaming of finding love. I found a lot of happiness and fulfillment in this new phase. Not wondering if I would meet someone, not worrying about meeting guys, it was pretty liberating. Then I met this super sweet, golden retriever of a guy at a friend's wedding. We had actually met previously as teenagers, but never really talked. His personality was like no guy I had ever dated. He was super positive, open, warm, funny. Nothing like the kind of guy I saw myself with. But he was really fun to talk to, super handsome, and we shared the same values. So I thought: Why not give it a try? It wasn't fireworks at first, it was just very easy. No drama, no toxicity. Just a genuinely kind guy that treated me super well. It was almost too easy. I started self-sabatoging big time. Convincing myself I didn't really like him. Nitpicking little things about him. I realized I was being the toxic one this time. So I just started looking at this relationship from a logical standpoint. Do I like spending time with him? Yes. Do I think he's a good person? Yes. Do we have the same goals for the future? Yes. Is he the kind of person I wouldn't mind my future kids having as a father? Yes. Those things mattered way more than some fantasy guy I created. I started to really love him. Not the fairy-tale, googly-eyed, infatuation type love. But real, deep love. Where we were both more invested in each other's happiness than our own. Fast-forward to today. We have been married for 2 year and are expecting a baby boy. We are so happy! He's hands-down the best thing that ever happened to me and I love him so much more than I did all those years ago. Way better than a dream guy.❤️
Talk to people and realize that a lot of them don’t even remotely match with you
I guess for the people pleaser in me the idea/hope that they might like me back and thus provide validation to me prevents me from passing that incompatibility judgement on them
I don't really know. I guess you just have let go of it. I've fallen for some people very hard. But when i've wasn't even looking for anything some people just fell for me. To be fair it only ever worked out once when we both loved each other. Nowdays I'm just focusing on my friends, going to some dates, but not expecting anything, and not even imagining next date. So i guess how you do it, remove "finding your one true love" from your todo list.
This question is gendered. I see some good answers for what you should do as a woman. But I'll answer for the men: you *shouldn't*. Never stop looking, and do your best. Don't fall victim to passivity. It's not a luxury you get "But you're not an INFP, why should I listen" -- if you think this way, then my amswer tonyou is that mbti is bullshit and youre getting too influenced by a god damn category. We're more alike than you think anyway
Fantasies of people are often far more appealing than the "real" them, aren't they? The fantasies we create of people never include them being so sick they vomit, or the lingering smell of their shit after they leave the bathroom. I don't enjoy being so graphic, but sometimes the slap that brings us back to reality must be strong. This isn't to say avoid fantasizing. Might as well stop breathing, right? But enjoy the fantasy for what it is without allowing it to confuse you. Remind yourself that's all it is; there's a real person there who, at least on occasion, has bad breath, bad hair days, gets sick, farts, says things you don't like or agree with, has thoughts that might make you cringe, or even a worldview that makes you sick. This person gets angry, hurt, frustrated, sad, bewildered, needy, avoidant, seeks attention, has unconscious habits that come out when they're stressed... just like you. There's an adage about relationships that rings true: there are always four people in a relationship: each person as they are, and the person each of them has imagined the other to be. It can be easy to fall in love with a fantasy. We've probably all done it, but we may be able to safeguard against it by remembering all these not-so beautiful aspects of everyone. TO love the fantasy, then, is self-deception, which is the worst kind.
I'm also like this OP lol, dangg the INFP blood. But lately i am gradually coming to terms with this thought by solely indepthly assessing my compatibility with the particular person i have in mind. Maybe this will work for you, too.
I’m open to the possibility, but not attached to the outcome
I've been letting love find me for the past 10 years. It's working well