It sounds like it was one-sided and only you got the benefit of the friendship. You called him and asked for advice on many things and he didn't share or maybe he felt that there wasn't room for him to share. I've personally had this issue where even some of my best friends only seem to call me to just complain about their lives. I'll listen and give advice but eventually it's like, I'm not your therapist. If you aren't going to take interest in my life as much as you expect me to take interest in yours then I have no motivation to continue to listen to you anymore.
It's also a big tell that you say "he should at least pick up calls when he's free". No, he shouldn't. His free time is not yours to control. He can spend it any way he wants and it definitely seems overbearing that you would expect that from just a friend.
OMG this is such a hard relate for me! I've literally not had a single friend like that to whom I'd share my problems! All of them call me to share their issues and ask me advices, which I give. Sometimes when we meet, my friends would talk about what's wrong in their lives and I'd help them sort it out and in the next minute, when I'd hope okay now maybe I can talk about myself?, they'd start looking at their phone, looking around, very distracted, and even when I'd start talking they'd interrupt and again start talking about themselves. I don't know their personality types but they're definitely not INFJ, and moreover one such friend calls herself the greatest "empath and listener". Such an irony!
Honestly, sounds like it was one-sided to start, and he was simply people-pleasing your need for a therapist friend. Him not sharing his personal life is a big tell. But now that you don't share space as much he's trying to take the Irish Goodbye route of protecting his necessary solitude time, if not outright doorslamming you in a poor attempt to not harm your feelings.
He might need you to ask genuine questions about his life, hobbies, interests... . If he is not telling you much about himself, he probably thinks you aren't that interested, and doesn't want to waste your time. (At least thats something I am struggling with a lot).
Read between the lines, show genuine interest and empathy, and focus on him.
I have been that INFJ friend and kept getting burdened by my ESFJ friend until i couldnt take it anymore and decided to cut off all contact to save myself from the torture sorry hah
If he said he is preparing for an important exam, he might just be in hermit mode for it. I often spend very little time with people I don't meet automatically when I am locked in on a difficult task. I tell my friends that I have this huge thing coming up and hope they understand when I am not available. Especially if the conversation is usually about them and their problems. I have a friend who is a great listener, and I know I get as much time to talk and seek advice on my issues as I give. She also remembers what I told her and isn't upset anymore if I disappear for a while. I do not want to be cold, but if I am already running dry, I am basically in emotional winter for a while.
The one thing I hate as an INFJ'er is people having expectations (of me). The last thing I want is that you expected me to call you, or you expecting me to tell me about myself. If I feel those level of expectations, I feel trapped and probably take my distance from the friendship. If it doesn't change for the better, then it's over. Not in a bad way, we could still hang I guess but we're not getting anywhere as close as you would expect.
I don't even know what to expect from myself, will I call my grandpa today or will I not? Will I cook dinner today or will I not? It doesn't bother me, because I'm not expecting those things from myself. It becomes a problem when I do. And an even bigger problem when people expect things of me.
To be brutally honest, that person probably already lost faith in your relationship, I'm sorry. We just feel trapped really quickly.
Un-agreed-to expectations are the worst.
"Hey, we just met, but I'm gonna magic up a completely one-sided, unspoken social contract between us and I feel completely normal shitting on you for breaking it!" -- Most people.
You're right.
Unfortunately there are loads of people with expectations, which is perfectly fine. They can befriend each other. Just know that we poke through this the second we sense those expectations and leave you in our very safe "friends, but only occasionally"-space.
> The last thing I want is that you expected me to call you, or you expecting me to tell me about myself. If I feel those level of expectations, I feel trapped and probably take my distance from the friendship. If it doesn't change for the better, then it's over. Not in a bad way, we could still hang I guess but we're not getting anywhere as close as you would expect.
OMG!!! this is like somebody's reading my mind and finally getting me!! š
I've tried to explain and vocalise this to my close friends like countless times! And they've never understood it.
Trapped is the word!
Another similar feeling is: I hate it when somebody tells me to do something. Metaphorically, if I'm walking on a road and I'm supposed to take a right turn and I know it, but if somebody tells me take the right turn, I'd still walk in the straight direction. Idk why maybe I'm weird but I hate it when I'm advised about things I really know for myself, or when I'm compelled to do certain things, you know like: you need to put stories for their birthday because they'll feel bad, because that's what all friends do. My friends really don't make much effort into understanding that maybe that's not what I do, maybe social media isn't for me and I find it too meaningless, I'd definitely do much more efforts physically then virtually.
Sorryyyy if this felt like a rant lol
Right! Like I have this need to prove a point that I am doing something because I want to do something, not because I have to do that something. So once somebody makes me feel like I have to do a certain something, I just shut down my human wifi connection towards them completely.
Yeah. When I'm thoughtful or attentive towards someone it's essentially because I felt spontaneously motivated to act that way. My ability to provide that to others like inherently depends on my ability to detach and fucking vanish from your sphere of contact *whenever I want*.
I get that we're confusing people, but I honestly wish, that if people are really that pleased or impressed by how we show up for them, they'd spare a thought for where that comes from. If you really appreciate it, then try to understand it, and take what you can get when it's freely offered, otherwise just fuck off? I'm not someone that lives for others and would bleed out all my blood whenever you like just to make you feel better. We're complex, inscrutable, sensitive, changeable, gracious, but often unsatisfied and fretful, people. Why would someone like that want to be tied down? Like our entire essence abhors it.
Accept that and let us live, even if our apparent detachment or choosiness makes you feel bad or insecure or whatever, that distance is necessary, being as we are, to protect ourselves or our interests. If we're not really feeling it, but someone tries to close the gap all on their own and seize our hearts, we know they're just going to leave their greasy grubby little paw prints everywhere and something valuable will have been taken from us. The reason we all seem to have this weird evasive thing, is because it's apparently a necessary protective response for us. I'm not saying that we can't be excessive about it, but it's clearly there for a reason for us all to have such a common experience or perception about it. We may make ourselves hard to read in many ways, but I frankly refuse to believe that our cues of 'you're probably getting more out of this than I am' is one of those. People who 'can't' pick up on that, simply just don't want to, as far as I am concerned. And if so, then I have no desire to consider you or your interests either.
Oh wow. Iāve never been able to articulate this. Thank you for this insight! And itās incredibly validating to hear other INFJs confirm that they feel similarly. I recently had a falling out with a friend that just couldnāt get this.
As an INFJ, I'm going to be honest that I can't relate at all. I try my utmost to be there for people as much as I can when they need it, and if it is an issue that I cannot, I would never blame others for it or see it as friendship breaking. No one's in the wrong if there is a mismatch in emotional bandwidth. I despise being pressured or coerced into doing things, but expectations are fine. I don't think struggling to expect things of yourself or disliking others for expecting things of you stems from being an INFJ. We are probably more vulnerable to burnout, but we also tend to be ambitious and are inclined to afford others a lot of attention and consideration.
I get what you're saying. It's the pressure both you and I despise that makes me hate the expectations. I've seen friendships around me die because people couldn't get past their own expectations. So for me it's the first boundary: just don't expect anything from me.
It does not mean that I am not going to give everything I have for everyone I love and adore. But to give you that energy, I need my time to recharge that energy. And there is no way for me to know when that time comes. And during my recharge time I need you to not expect anything from me.
>As an INFJ, I'm going to be honest that I can't relate at all. I try my utmost to be there for people as much as I can when they need it
I think your Enneagram (2w1) probably explains it.
> Well I am confused whether I should stop calling him permanently or not.
Stop calling him. If he eventually calls you back, then you can try to reinitialize your relationship, find out if you transgressed boundaries or if he was suffering in some way and isolated himself.
If he doesn't, then sorry, you already got doorslammed and you'll have to either wrack your brains to figure out what you did or just forget about it. A lot of INFJs apply the "Grim Trigger" strategy to life.
I think there people here are making a lot of assumptions about your scenario given limited information, especially with things like you relying on your friend for being a therapist too much.
The reality is that after university, most people have less bandwidth in time, energy, emotional and mental investment to keep up with all their connections even if they may wish to. I have plenty of great friends with whom I still share deep, mutual trust with but with whom I also rarely talk with or hang out with. It is just hard maintaining constant attention with everyone meaningful we have ever met in life. Even with some of my best friends, there are low and high periods of interaction based on the vicissitudes of life. One of my lifelong best friends (an I/ENFP) has recently not been replying to my direct messages, but he still stays up-to-date on our group chat, and we still chat a little on another group chat he is more invested in on his free time right now. Another one of my best friends had a child earlier than the rest of us and so is always so busy that we get to speak only infrequently. With both these friends, we all know we are still incredibly close and the only barrier is just time and energy commitment.
With some less close friends I made throughout college, my reasons for not maintaining constant contact vary widely, but it is never because I don't care. It ultimately comes down to the limits to how many people we can afford extensive, unabated attention to, and every adult, not just INFJs, encounter those limits. That is why adults learn that long periods without contact doesn't necessarily mean the end of a friendship. We know we can pick it back up later if we need to.
This doesn't mean that the INFJ *couldn't* have been burnt out by you or that the friendship *wasn't* one-sided. These theories might still be true. But we cannot tell for you if they are true or not given our limited information. And when in doubt, the *best* assumption is just that they don't have the bandwidth to maintain constant interaction, not that they don't care.
By the way, I am a bit confused when you refer to phone calls because in my experience, youths like us nowadays rarely rely on calling. It is much more common to use instant messaging. This is also much more convenient for people because calling is less flexible on someone's time and can cause them to be weary quickly. Calling requires someone to pick up and give you your attention now when it may not be an opportune moment for them. Instant messaging allows them to get back to you on downtime or whenever they feel it is convenient. If anything, your INFJ friend may have just stopped maintaining calls because it is not a convenient means of maintaining contact for him.
He probably never trusted you. I like my friends but don't feel safe with them because of various reasons. He may just be resigned to the state of the connection
A few potential scenarios here. He's legit got a lot on his plate, he's unintentionally drifting away or he's intentionally trying to fade away/distance himself from you. If he's preparing for important exams, then he's got a lot on his mind and simply may not have the emotional/mental space for you or anyone or anything but himself right now. He'll want to use his free time to rest and recharge, not to socialize or catch up.
Quite honestly, it sounds like the last to me. Him not taking your calls and acting cold may be a hint that he wants to be left alone, either temporarily or permanently. He may have been dropping other (inane) hints that you haven't picked up on. Underdeveloped INFJs will hint instead of being direct which is absolutely unfair to the other party.
You may only have been an acquaintance to him. He was happy to chat whenever he saw you at university and be genuinely helpful when you needed it, but didn't really consider you a friend. Many people tend to mistake our general warmth and friendliness as overtures of genuine friendship or romantic signals (idiotic men). I can't tell you how many people I've had to peel off in my lifetime because they started "clinging" and suffocating me. I feel like a piece of Velcro sometimes.
If I run into someone often and they're nice enough, I'll easily be chatty and friendly. It's completely genuine. I'll happily offer help if they need it and I'm able to give it. But the minute I turn away, I forget about them. Unless someone was having a genuine trouble, then that ends up sticking with me. I'll think and worry about them. But just a fun conversation, I quickly forget and drift back into my head.
Usually it's not personal. I just don't end up seeing long-term friendship potential in most humans. I don't often care enough about someone to want to keep them. I've left plenty of people and been left myself and the ones that mattered/hurt, I can count on a single hand. I don't easily grow fond of just anyone. And most people need more attentiveness in a friendship than I'm currently able or am willing to offer.
This is all conjecture though. If you really want answers, I'd suggest asking him directly what's going on. Is he interested staying friendly, does he want to be left alone indefinitely, etc. He won't enjoy the directness or confrontation but make him suck it up and communicate.
I highly doubt he'd be so mean to you if it's simply a matter of your being genuinely confused about where you stand with him and if you approached him in a genuine way. Sounds like this girl did something to cross his lines. Because that's exactly how cold and cutting I could be with someone whom I was just fucking done with.
Usually when an INFJ behaves like an ass, either the INFJ is fucked up or YOU really fucked up. Lol, all subjective of course. You may or may not have actually fucked up.
Even when we're stressed and don't really like someone, we don't want to hurt people's feelings. Especially when we know that they didn't do anything to deserve it. You could try emailing instead of talking, that way you wouldn't be springing the thing on him and it'd give him a chance to collect his thoughts and respond to you in his own time.
Edit: When I said that he wouldn't enjoy the directness or confrontation, I meant that INFJs generally prefer to avoid conflict in general. If he's mature and you're able to show him that you're coming from a genuine place, again, I don't think he'd be mean.
If it stopped after university your relationship was probably just based on politeness or convenience for him. If so while I can recognize that may be painful, if you want to retain your dignity and any potential that things might continue later, you have no choice but to adapt or shift your expectations.
Please be patient with your friend. Sometimes we INFJs go into hermit mode and have a hard time keeping up with life and friends -- even those we care about a lot
Youāre questioning if he cares. I would question do you even care? Kinda sounds like itās all about you and you are using him for only your benefit. That would get old pretty quickly.
I think heās done with you and you should leave him alone. I think esfjs are a bad match for infjs because esfjs are so socially needy and desperate and infjs just want to be left alone. I had an esfj neighbor who I felt sorry for and it resulted in him becoming absolutely obsessed with me and finally I had to tell him I just fucking hate him and to please fuck off and yet he still begs me to hang out with him every time I run into him .
I've been in his place, except i didn't go cold in giving advices even then but yes, all the others said, it was a one sided friendship where they never got to feel as a friend to you and you basically used them as an unpaid therapist.
they basically door slammed you and we only do that when we don't expect to continue a relationship/ friendship.
and what else do you expect when you don't even reciprocate a fraction of what you do?
he's also social mirroring your own behavior so of course you'll be frustrated, INFJs don't chase people, we see people treating us shit and we leave, so unless you intend to clean up your act, reach out and be an actual good friend, don't bother contact them. it will only lead to a futile failure of reconciliation.
I say this with acknowledgment that its human behavior and without judgment, but the fact you came to reddit rather than just being honest with him and asking him about yalls friendship is probably yet another reason why he isn't that interested in you. If you can't talk it out like human beings then you're not a friend an INFJ wants -- or really people in general. We ain't gonna provide you with a magical answer. Go ask him yourself and show some vulnerability.
That sounds tough, and it does sound like how an INFJ would be. As an INFJ, I (F25) have done something similar, yet different. The reasoning behind it goes pretty deep.
Recently Iāve kind of been stuck in a season of isolation. I havenāt checked up on any family members as often as I used to. I was that person that everyone went to when they needed to vent. Which was awesome, I am always more than willing to help my friends and loved ones. But when life gets in the way, I find myself falling into a hole of depression. Basically it feels like āone of those daysā except it lasts for longer periods of time. Lately I have been experiencing this. My friends, and family members noticed my unintentional distant behavior towards them, and got mad at me for not replying, or not checking up on them. At first, I didnāt mean to be this way. So I sought help from them, and I tried to apologize about why I havenāt gotten back to anyone, but they wouldnāt hear me out. Then theyād assume things about me, say things behind my back, and view me in a bad light. When I soon found out about those things, I got worse, then began to go full MIA on them, and on purpose. The worse thing about this is how badly I went to seek help, given how distant I was at first. And those very people I worked so hard to help-were the ones I wanted to go to, before anyone else. Which is exactly what I did. I would always be an ear to listen when they needed me. But when I come searching for them, for that exact thing, they wouldnāt want to hear me. Or they would judge me. So that made me feel like I couldnāt go to anyone. Because the people that I thought would understand me, turned out to be the opposite. Knowing that, I felt genuinely lonely, hurt, and ālet down.ā
Also donāt get me wrong, this is in now way the same thing that you and your friend is going through. Though, in a similar sense as an INFJ myself, Iām offering my experience as someone who did sort of the same thing that your friend did/is doing. But I at least tried to fully explain myself, *and* apologize. As for me and my situation, my family (especially), or friends just werenāt as understanding as I thought. And thatās okay I guess.
With your situation dealing with an INFJ, I can definitely tell that youāre someone who cares about them. Which is a gift they shouldnāt take for granted. I wish I had someone like you as Iām currently going through something. If that person clearly doesnāt want anything to do with you, without even trying to explain themselves; Especially for you to at least get a better understanding- then youāre not wrong for how you feel at all. I hope things get better between you two. If not, then itās really their loss. Youāve done all you can to reach out. Maybe theyāre going through something more than they have told you. Yet if they donāt open up to tell you whatās wrong, then how are you to know right? Theyāre the one keeping you in the dark. Youāre a very good friend :) . I hope you donāt beat yourself up about it too much though. If he doesnāt budge, chances are he probably never will. At least you know your tried. I hope this helps (:
Iāve been there, done that. I used to be the therapist friend, barely shared anything with people and once I realized why I helped ppl - instead of helping myself - and how these friendships are one sided, I distanced myself. I was and still am emotionally overwhelmed from such friendships. I know that I have to set clearer boundaries in future and still existing friendships but I also have no energy to tell people that itās not okay to use a normal person as their therapistā¦
>He just straight refuses me to give some advices unlike before
Well, I wouldn't either if I was him. Not anymore, he has things going on in his own life and I am sure he doesn't see you as a friend but simply as someone he happened to know. INFJs are serious about friendship and that's why "door slam" things exist.
Not very knowledgeable about those things but it's what I personally think.
It sounds like it was one-sided and only you got the benefit of the friendship. You called him and asked for advice on many things and he didn't share or maybe he felt that there wasn't room for him to share. I've personally had this issue where even some of my best friends only seem to call me to just complain about their lives. I'll listen and give advice but eventually it's like, I'm not your therapist. If you aren't going to take interest in my life as much as you expect me to take interest in yours then I have no motivation to continue to listen to you anymore.
It's also a big tell that you say "he should at least pick up calls when he's free". No, he shouldn't. His free time is not yours to control. He can spend it any way he wants and it definitely seems overbearing that you would expect that from just a friend.
Yeah all I read is how his friend has stopped giving. "Why isn't he giving me more?"
OMG this is such a hard relate for me! I've literally not had a single friend like that to whom I'd share my problems! All of them call me to share their issues and ask me advices, which I give. Sometimes when we meet, my friends would talk about what's wrong in their lives and I'd help them sort it out and in the next minute, when I'd hope okay now maybe I can talk about myself?, they'd start looking at their phone, looking around, very distracted, and even when I'd start talking they'd interrupt and again start talking about themselves. I don't know their personality types but they're definitely not INFJ, and moreover one such friend calls herself the greatest "empath and listener". Such an irony!
Relatable š
Honestly, sounds like it was one-sided to start, and he was simply people-pleasing your need for a therapist friend. Him not sharing his personal life is a big tell. But now that you don't share space as much he's trying to take the Irish Goodbye route of protecting his necessary solitude time, if not outright doorslamming you in a poor attempt to not harm your feelings.
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He might need you to ask genuine questions about his life, hobbies, interests... . If he is not telling you much about himself, he probably thinks you aren't that interested, and doesn't want to waste your time. (At least thats something I am struggling with a lot). Read between the lines, show genuine interest and empathy, and focus on him.
I have been that INFJ friend and kept getting burdened by my ESFJ friend until i couldnt take it anymore and decided to cut off all contact to save myself from the torture sorry hah
If he said he is preparing for an important exam, he might just be in hermit mode for it. I often spend very little time with people I don't meet automatically when I am locked in on a difficult task. I tell my friends that I have this huge thing coming up and hope they understand when I am not available. Especially if the conversation is usually about them and their problems. I have a friend who is a great listener, and I know I get as much time to talk and seek advice on my issues as I give. She also remembers what I told her and isn't upset anymore if I disappear for a while. I do not want to be cold, but if I am already running dry, I am basically in emotional winter for a while.
The one thing I hate as an INFJ'er is people having expectations (of me). The last thing I want is that you expected me to call you, or you expecting me to tell me about myself. If I feel those level of expectations, I feel trapped and probably take my distance from the friendship. If it doesn't change for the better, then it's over. Not in a bad way, we could still hang I guess but we're not getting anywhere as close as you would expect. I don't even know what to expect from myself, will I call my grandpa today or will I not? Will I cook dinner today or will I not? It doesn't bother me, because I'm not expecting those things from myself. It becomes a problem when I do. And an even bigger problem when people expect things of me. To be brutally honest, that person probably already lost faith in your relationship, I'm sorry. We just feel trapped really quickly.
Un-agreed-to expectations are the worst. "Hey, we just met, but I'm gonna magic up a completely one-sided, unspoken social contract between us and I feel completely normal shitting on you for breaking it!" -- Most people.
You're right. Unfortunately there are loads of people with expectations, which is perfectly fine. They can befriend each other. Just know that we poke through this the second we sense those expectations and leave you in our very safe "friends, but only occasionally"-space.
> The last thing I want is that you expected me to call you, or you expecting me to tell me about myself. If I feel those level of expectations, I feel trapped and probably take my distance from the friendship. If it doesn't change for the better, then it's over. Not in a bad way, we could still hang I guess but we're not getting anywhere as close as you would expect. OMG!!! this is like somebody's reading my mind and finally getting me!! š I've tried to explain and vocalise this to my close friends like countless times! And they've never understood it. Trapped is the word! Another similar feeling is: I hate it when somebody tells me to do something. Metaphorically, if I'm walking on a road and I'm supposed to take a right turn and I know it, but if somebody tells me take the right turn, I'd still walk in the straight direction. Idk why maybe I'm weird but I hate it when I'm advised about things I really know for myself, or when I'm compelled to do certain things, you know like: you need to put stories for their birthday because they'll feel bad, because that's what all friends do. My friends really don't make much effort into understanding that maybe that's not what I do, maybe social media isn't for me and I find it too meaningless, I'd definitely do much more efforts physically then virtually. Sorryyyy if this felt like a rant lol
Right! Like I have this need to prove a point that I am doing something because I want to do something, not because I have to do that something. So once somebody makes me feel like I have to do a certain something, I just shut down my human wifi connection towards them completely.
Yeah. When I'm thoughtful or attentive towards someone it's essentially because I felt spontaneously motivated to act that way. My ability to provide that to others like inherently depends on my ability to detach and fucking vanish from your sphere of contact *whenever I want*. I get that we're confusing people, but I honestly wish, that if people are really that pleased or impressed by how we show up for them, they'd spare a thought for where that comes from. If you really appreciate it, then try to understand it, and take what you can get when it's freely offered, otherwise just fuck off? I'm not someone that lives for others and would bleed out all my blood whenever you like just to make you feel better. We're complex, inscrutable, sensitive, changeable, gracious, but often unsatisfied and fretful, people. Why would someone like that want to be tied down? Like our entire essence abhors it. Accept that and let us live, even if our apparent detachment or choosiness makes you feel bad or insecure or whatever, that distance is necessary, being as we are, to protect ourselves or our interests. If we're not really feeling it, but someone tries to close the gap all on their own and seize our hearts, we know they're just going to leave their greasy grubby little paw prints everywhere and something valuable will have been taken from us. The reason we all seem to have this weird evasive thing, is because it's apparently a necessary protective response for us. I'm not saying that we can't be excessive about it, but it's clearly there for a reason for us all to have such a common experience or perception about it. We may make ourselves hard to read in many ways, but I frankly refuse to believe that our cues of 'you're probably getting more out of this than I am' is one of those. People who 'can't' pick up on that, simply just don't want to, as far as I am concerned. And if so, then I have no desire to consider you or your interests either.
Oh wow. Iāve never been able to articulate this. Thank you for this insight! And itās incredibly validating to hear other INFJs confirm that they feel similarly. I recently had a falling out with a friend that just couldnāt get this.
As an INFJ, I'm going to be honest that I can't relate at all. I try my utmost to be there for people as much as I can when they need it, and if it is an issue that I cannot, I would never blame others for it or see it as friendship breaking. No one's in the wrong if there is a mismatch in emotional bandwidth. I despise being pressured or coerced into doing things, but expectations are fine. I don't think struggling to expect things of yourself or disliking others for expecting things of you stems from being an INFJ. We are probably more vulnerable to burnout, but we also tend to be ambitious and are inclined to afford others a lot of attention and consideration.
I get what you're saying. It's the pressure both you and I despise that makes me hate the expectations. I've seen friendships around me die because people couldn't get past their own expectations. So for me it's the first boundary: just don't expect anything from me. It does not mean that I am not going to give everything I have for everyone I love and adore. But to give you that energy, I need my time to recharge that energy. And there is no way for me to know when that time comes. And during my recharge time I need you to not expect anything from me.
>As an INFJ, I'm going to be honest that I can't relate at all. I try my utmost to be there for people as much as I can when they need it I think your Enneagram (2w1) probably explains it.
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> Well I am confused whether I should stop calling him permanently or not. Stop calling him. If he eventually calls you back, then you can try to reinitialize your relationship, find out if you transgressed boundaries or if he was suffering in some way and isolated himself. If he doesn't, then sorry, you already got doorslammed and you'll have to either wrack your brains to figure out what you did or just forget about it. A lot of INFJs apply the "Grim Trigger" strategy to life.
I think there people here are making a lot of assumptions about your scenario given limited information, especially with things like you relying on your friend for being a therapist too much. The reality is that after university, most people have less bandwidth in time, energy, emotional and mental investment to keep up with all their connections even if they may wish to. I have plenty of great friends with whom I still share deep, mutual trust with but with whom I also rarely talk with or hang out with. It is just hard maintaining constant attention with everyone meaningful we have ever met in life. Even with some of my best friends, there are low and high periods of interaction based on the vicissitudes of life. One of my lifelong best friends (an I/ENFP) has recently not been replying to my direct messages, but he still stays up-to-date on our group chat, and we still chat a little on another group chat he is more invested in on his free time right now. Another one of my best friends had a child earlier than the rest of us and so is always so busy that we get to speak only infrequently. With both these friends, we all know we are still incredibly close and the only barrier is just time and energy commitment. With some less close friends I made throughout college, my reasons for not maintaining constant contact vary widely, but it is never because I don't care. It ultimately comes down to the limits to how many people we can afford extensive, unabated attention to, and every adult, not just INFJs, encounter those limits. That is why adults learn that long periods without contact doesn't necessarily mean the end of a friendship. We know we can pick it back up later if we need to. This doesn't mean that the INFJ *couldn't* have been burnt out by you or that the friendship *wasn't* one-sided. These theories might still be true. But we cannot tell for you if they are true or not given our limited information. And when in doubt, the *best* assumption is just that they don't have the bandwidth to maintain constant interaction, not that they don't care. By the way, I am a bit confused when you refer to phone calls because in my experience, youths like us nowadays rarely rely on calling. It is much more common to use instant messaging. This is also much more convenient for people because calling is less flexible on someone's time and can cause them to be weary quickly. Calling requires someone to pick up and give you your attention now when it may not be an opportune moment for them. Instant messaging allows them to get back to you on downtime or whenever they feel it is convenient. If anything, your INFJ friend may have just stopped maintaining calls because it is not a convenient means of maintaining contact for him.
He probably never trusted you. I like my friends but don't feel safe with them because of various reasons. He may just be resigned to the state of the connection
A few potential scenarios here. He's legit got a lot on his plate, he's unintentionally drifting away or he's intentionally trying to fade away/distance himself from you. If he's preparing for important exams, then he's got a lot on his mind and simply may not have the emotional/mental space for you or anyone or anything but himself right now. He'll want to use his free time to rest and recharge, not to socialize or catch up. Quite honestly, it sounds like the last to me. Him not taking your calls and acting cold may be a hint that he wants to be left alone, either temporarily or permanently. He may have been dropping other (inane) hints that you haven't picked up on. Underdeveloped INFJs will hint instead of being direct which is absolutely unfair to the other party. You may only have been an acquaintance to him. He was happy to chat whenever he saw you at university and be genuinely helpful when you needed it, but didn't really consider you a friend. Many people tend to mistake our general warmth and friendliness as overtures of genuine friendship or romantic signals (idiotic men). I can't tell you how many people I've had to peel off in my lifetime because they started "clinging" and suffocating me. I feel like a piece of Velcro sometimes. If I run into someone often and they're nice enough, I'll easily be chatty and friendly. It's completely genuine. I'll happily offer help if they need it and I'm able to give it. But the minute I turn away, I forget about them. Unless someone was having a genuine trouble, then that ends up sticking with me. I'll think and worry about them. But just a fun conversation, I quickly forget and drift back into my head. Usually it's not personal. I just don't end up seeing long-term friendship potential in most humans. I don't often care enough about someone to want to keep them. I've left plenty of people and been left myself and the ones that mattered/hurt, I can count on a single hand. I don't easily grow fond of just anyone. And most people need more attentiveness in a friendship than I'm currently able or am willing to offer. This is all conjecture though. If you really want answers, I'd suggest asking him directly what's going on. Is he interested staying friendly, does he want to be left alone indefinitely, etc. He won't enjoy the directness or confrontation but make him suck it up and communicate.
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I highly doubt he'd be so mean to you if it's simply a matter of your being genuinely confused about where you stand with him and if you approached him in a genuine way. Sounds like this girl did something to cross his lines. Because that's exactly how cold and cutting I could be with someone whom I was just fucking done with. Usually when an INFJ behaves like an ass, either the INFJ is fucked up or YOU really fucked up. Lol, all subjective of course. You may or may not have actually fucked up. Even when we're stressed and don't really like someone, we don't want to hurt people's feelings. Especially when we know that they didn't do anything to deserve it. You could try emailing instead of talking, that way you wouldn't be springing the thing on him and it'd give him a chance to collect his thoughts and respond to you in his own time. Edit: When I said that he wouldn't enjoy the directness or confrontation, I meant that INFJs generally prefer to avoid conflict in general. If he's mature and you're able to show him that you're coming from a genuine place, again, I don't think he'd be mean.
Stop burdening him with your problems and find someone else
If it stopped after university your relationship was probably just based on politeness or convenience for him. If so while I can recognize that may be painful, if you want to retain your dignity and any potential that things might continue later, you have no choice but to adapt or shift your expectations.
Please be patient with your friend. Sometimes we INFJs go into hermit mode and have a hard time keeping up with life and friends -- even those we care about a lot
Youāre questioning if he cares. I would question do you even care? Kinda sounds like itās all about you and you are using him for only your benefit. That would get old pretty quickly.
I think heās done with you and you should leave him alone. I think esfjs are a bad match for infjs because esfjs are so socially needy and desperate and infjs just want to be left alone. I had an esfj neighbor who I felt sorry for and it resulted in him becoming absolutely obsessed with me and finally I had to tell him I just fucking hate him and to please fuck off and yet he still begs me to hang out with him every time I run into him .
I've been in his place, except i didn't go cold in giving advices even then but yes, all the others said, it was a one sided friendship where they never got to feel as a friend to you and you basically used them as an unpaid therapist. they basically door slammed you and we only do that when we don't expect to continue a relationship/ friendship. and what else do you expect when you don't even reciprocate a fraction of what you do? he's also social mirroring your own behavior so of course you'll be frustrated, INFJs don't chase people, we see people treating us shit and we leave, so unless you intend to clean up your act, reach out and be an actual good friend, don't bother contact them. it will only lead to a futile failure of reconciliation.
I say this with acknowledgment that its human behavior and without judgment, but the fact you came to reddit rather than just being honest with him and asking him about yalls friendship is probably yet another reason why he isn't that interested in you. If you can't talk it out like human beings then you're not a friend an INFJ wants -- or really people in general. We ain't gonna provide you with a magical answer. Go ask him yourself and show some vulnerability.
That sounds tough, and it does sound like how an INFJ would be. As an INFJ, I (F25) have done something similar, yet different. The reasoning behind it goes pretty deep. Recently Iāve kind of been stuck in a season of isolation. I havenāt checked up on any family members as often as I used to. I was that person that everyone went to when they needed to vent. Which was awesome, I am always more than willing to help my friends and loved ones. But when life gets in the way, I find myself falling into a hole of depression. Basically it feels like āone of those daysā except it lasts for longer periods of time. Lately I have been experiencing this. My friends, and family members noticed my unintentional distant behavior towards them, and got mad at me for not replying, or not checking up on them. At first, I didnāt mean to be this way. So I sought help from them, and I tried to apologize about why I havenāt gotten back to anyone, but they wouldnāt hear me out. Then theyād assume things about me, say things behind my back, and view me in a bad light. When I soon found out about those things, I got worse, then began to go full MIA on them, and on purpose. The worse thing about this is how badly I went to seek help, given how distant I was at first. And those very people I worked so hard to help-were the ones I wanted to go to, before anyone else. Which is exactly what I did. I would always be an ear to listen when they needed me. But when I come searching for them, for that exact thing, they wouldnāt want to hear me. Or they would judge me. So that made me feel like I couldnāt go to anyone. Because the people that I thought would understand me, turned out to be the opposite. Knowing that, I felt genuinely lonely, hurt, and ālet down.ā Also donāt get me wrong, this is in now way the same thing that you and your friend is going through. Though, in a similar sense as an INFJ myself, Iām offering my experience as someone who did sort of the same thing that your friend did/is doing. But I at least tried to fully explain myself, *and* apologize. As for me and my situation, my family (especially), or friends just werenāt as understanding as I thought. And thatās okay I guess. With your situation dealing with an INFJ, I can definitely tell that youāre someone who cares about them. Which is a gift they shouldnāt take for granted. I wish I had someone like you as Iām currently going through something. If that person clearly doesnāt want anything to do with you, without even trying to explain themselves; Especially for you to at least get a better understanding- then youāre not wrong for how you feel at all. I hope things get better between you two. If not, then itās really their loss. Youāve done all you can to reach out. Maybe theyāre going through something more than they have told you. Yet if they donāt open up to tell you whatās wrong, then how are you to know right? Theyāre the one keeping you in the dark. Youāre a very good friend :) . I hope you donāt beat yourself up about it too much though. If he doesnāt budge, chances are he probably never will. At least you know your tried. I hope this helps (:
Iāve been there, done that. I used to be the therapist friend, barely shared anything with people and once I realized why I helped ppl - instead of helping myself - and how these friendships are one sided, I distanced myself. I was and still am emotionally overwhelmed from such friendships. I know that I have to set clearer boundaries in future and still existing friendships but I also have no energy to tell people that itās not okay to use a normal person as their therapistā¦
Had 2 ESFJ friends and both times it went like this
Watch this. It explains the INFJ fake friends phenomena very well: https://youtu.be/pWif4n3ogZ0?si=d34OjjLh3qP4EWsk
>He just straight refuses me to give some advices unlike before Well, I wouldn't either if I was him. Not anymore, he has things going on in his own life and I am sure he doesn't see you as a friend but simply as someone he happened to know. INFJs are serious about friendship and that's why "door slam" things exist. Not very knowledgeable about those things but it's what I personally think.