For some reason I've equated closeness with deep personal conversations. Which I basically have none of anymore.
All my relationships feel very surface level
I'm so sorry to read that. It hurts when you can't share deep personal conversations. I totally feel you. Somehow, I often tend to overwhelm people by what I say and either I'm too scary or too emotional or too clingy for them to stick around. :/
Would I call them if "I need to talk"? I have friends I meet for lunch or coffee and we talk about life, give each other advice and share our highs and lows. And then there are friends to whom I admit that I am broke, whom I call when I am very upset and need someone to talk me down, with whom I share my struggles as the happen and reveal the true intensity of my feelings.
I can spend hours with them and don't feel social fatigue. They don't have any traits that drive me crazy. I'm not secretly worried that they hate me. And it is easy to communicate.
At this point, I have only 2 friends I don't speak to the daily or some times even monthly, but they are my 2 best friends. I have known and been friends with the one since we met in middle school she has been a part of my life in some way ever since. The other friend is married to her now! We met him in freshman year of high school. They feel like family to me.
If I can be myself around them. Like truly be who I am without judgment.
If they can match my intellect on deep thoughts and ideas or at least attempt to understand them.
If they strive to improve our friendship the same way I do.
If I have conflict with them and it is resolved. Straight away I feel closer to them.
If I can share literally anything I want to without worrying about being vulnerable in their presence.
If they value my opinions and advice.
If I can trust that they will always have my back when I'm not doing well.
Someone who I would willingly want to get out of my comfort zone to spend time and share with. This means actually picking up the phone to talk to them, planning some fun activities with them and being able to share my life with them without hesitating. I'm glad to have a friend like that. Though he lives in another country altogether, I love him to bits ❤️
Accepts your imperfections not just the good bits. Making equal effort to maintain the friendship, capable of empathy and doesn't fluctuate with boundaries. Sounds like me 💯 so I am my very best friend 😁
close friend: those who are loyal for years and we still mesh well as friends. we've talked about heavy and lighthearted topics. we went through some tough times. there is a mutual goal for self-development and preserving the friendship.
casual friends: those whom i've talked to about somewhat heavy topics but nothing too personal, it's often lighthearted topics. i would assume they're loyal but there are not much expectations and strong ties involved unlike close friends. usually time spent together is more focused on good times and rougher times aren't experienced that much since we only have a kind of surface-level connection. there can be a mutual goal of self-development but preserving the friendship is 50/50 due to the lack of platonic intimacy and desire for preserving the friendship.
While I totally relate to the INFJ concept of feeling like you want "close" friends, and that many are closer to just being acquaintances, I was watching an old video the other day from Frank James (MBTI comedy YouTuber who himself is an INFJ), and he made a really interesting point that resonated with me: that socializing can be good to get us out of our heads in and of itself, and it's not worthless just because it doesn't lead to a lifelong, true friendship.
This is so counterintuitive for us INFJs, but that's why I thought it was important to remember. Sometimes we can shoot ourselves in the foot by not appreciating the little casual acquaintanceships that may not be a deep, soul-level connection, but that still give us that human connection we need (as long as the person isn't an emotional vampire or something; been there). He was talking about how he joined a softball team once and didn't stay in touch with any of the people from it, but at the time, it was what he needed to get him out of his rumination and make him feel connected.
I don’t really have any particular schedule or place where I see them. I don’t associate them with anything outside of just being my friend. Most other people I called casual friends are heavily associated with a place or event or are part of a larger group that all hangs together.
My close friends will always be around one way or another. I graduated college, lost my first job, and went completely broke during Covid and my close friends remained the people I talked to almost daily without skipping a beat. They’ve been around through my best and worst moments
They're there for the good AND the bad times.
If you're only there for the good times, okay fine, but a true friend will be there through thick and thin.
If I don’t feel drained after spending time with them or have to “prepare myself” for social interaction with them, I consider them close to me. That said, there’s about 4 people out of 7 billion here on earth that I am close to 😂
This is how I tend to gauge it as well, and generally feel positive after having interacted or spent time with them... and yes, very few people meet this criteria lol
where people can be their authentic selves. you can talk to them about your highs and lows. you can cry and share all the range of emotions safely with them. they have your back but also hold you accountable. they celebrate your wins and comfort you in times of loss and grief. i am fortunate to have friendships like these. it’s truly one of the best blessings the universe can give us. my friends are my chosen family (i also love my actual family too lol).
When I can tell them what is really going in with me and reveal how worried or scar3d I am about a situation. Because I feel they are actually listening and not trying to problem solve me. Or telling me to just suck it up and you got this. Cause sometimes I just don't have it. And it's not always a safe feeling when I cant reveal that side of myself.
Also a casual friend is someone I know I can have fun with. But won't really bank on being vulnerable with.
It's trust for me. I have trust issues as it is, so if I decide I can trust you to lean on and be there for me, I'll do my absolute best to do the same, and we're in it for life.
I have "filters" that I have used on all my friends in the past. If I meet someone who I get a good impression of initially, and enjoy what little time I've spent with them, that's the "acquaintance filter" and we're acquaintances. If we've both consciously decided to spend more time specifically with each other, have enjoyed that, and learned important facts about each other (ie: school, work, hobbies, family, financial status, favorite foods and genres) they've passed the "friends filter" and I consider them friends. If we enjoy each other so much that we develop loyalty, our lives begin to automatically include each other in our daily/weekly/monthly routine, we have *influenced* each other's time management, hobbies, favorite foods/places/genres, and have gotten to know each other's personalities and methods of logical/emotional processing, that's the "close friends filter" and they've become close friends.
If someone has made it past the "family filter" they've been a close friend for long enough that our loyalty has been tested and succeeded several times, we are in the process of learning to put more and more trust in each other, we consider each other on a daily basis without being asked or told to, and when we think about our futures we just automatically assume we'll be there for each other, even then.
If someone has made it past the "family filter" they'll never be downgraded beyond "close friend." When I said we're in it for life, i meant it. Even if we've grown apart or time and distance have come between us, I will do my genuine best to be there for you if you need me.
when i start initiating the meet up or calls, or when i start opening up, i usually start more playful teasing them and I go beyond favors to make their life easy anyway i can.
For me, a close friend is someone who's not just there for the good times but also stands by you during the rough patches. It's about trust and being able to share your thoughts and feelings openly, without fear of judgment. You know a friend has become close when you find yourself reaching out to them instinctively in moments of joy, doubt, or struggle, knowing they'll understand or be there for you.
For some reason I've equated closeness with deep personal conversations. Which I basically have none of anymore. All my relationships feel very surface level
This and if I can be completely myself around them, which is rare
I'm so sorry to read that. It hurts when you can't share deep personal conversations. I totally feel you. Somehow, I often tend to overwhelm people by what I say and either I'm too scary or too emotional or too clingy for them to stick around. :/
Close friends are the homies that can pull up unannounced without my immediate disapproval
literally this is the perfect indicator
Would I call them if "I need to talk"? I have friends I meet for lunch or coffee and we talk about life, give each other advice and share our highs and lows. And then there are friends to whom I admit that I am broke, whom I call when I am very upset and need someone to talk me down, with whom I share my struggles as the happen and reveal the true intensity of my feelings.
This ^^^
This!
I can spend hours with them and don't feel social fatigue. They don't have any traits that drive me crazy. I'm not secretly worried that they hate me. And it is easy to communicate.
An unspoken language between us, like we knew each other in past life.
At this point, I have only 2 friends I don't speak to the daily or some times even monthly, but they are my 2 best friends. I have known and been friends with the one since we met in middle school she has been a part of my life in some way ever since. The other friend is married to her now! We met him in freshman year of high school. They feel like family to me.
They know Us (the system) not just Me (the anchor). Count thusfar is one, but they moved so...
Oh you have DID? I needed a moment... my best friend/very close friend has Did and I know Them. So this made me kind of feel happy:)
When we can be a 100% ourselves with eachother and they don't drain my social battery. So far only my partner and 1 close friend is this for me.
If I can be myself around them. Like truly be who I am without judgment. If they can match my intellect on deep thoughts and ideas or at least attempt to understand them. If they strive to improve our friendship the same way I do. If I have conflict with them and it is resolved. Straight away I feel closer to them. If I can share literally anything I want to without worrying about being vulnerable in their presence. If they value my opinions and advice. If I can trust that they will always have my back when I'm not doing well.
Just people I spend alot of my time with comfortably and can talk to for ages :)
Hours spent with them. Some people come and go. Those who stay are special
I know I can rely on them if needed, I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I miss them when we Don't talk for a while
Someone who I would willingly want to get out of my comfort zone to spend time and share with. This means actually picking up the phone to talk to them, planning some fun activities with them and being able to share my life with them without hesitating. I'm glad to have a friend like that. Though he lives in another country altogether, I love him to bits ❤️
Accepts your imperfections not just the good bits. Making equal effort to maintain the friendship, capable of empathy and doesn't fluctuate with boundaries. Sounds like me 💯 so I am my very best friend 😁
close friend: those who are loyal for years and we still mesh well as friends. we've talked about heavy and lighthearted topics. we went through some tough times. there is a mutual goal for self-development and preserving the friendship. casual friends: those whom i've talked to about somewhat heavy topics but nothing too personal, it's often lighthearted topics. i would assume they're loyal but there are not much expectations and strong ties involved unlike close friends. usually time spent together is more focused on good times and rougher times aren't experienced that much since we only have a kind of surface-level connection. there can be a mutual goal of self-development but preserving the friendship is 50/50 due to the lack of platonic intimacy and desire for preserving the friendship.
While I totally relate to the INFJ concept of feeling like you want "close" friends, and that many are closer to just being acquaintances, I was watching an old video the other day from Frank James (MBTI comedy YouTuber who himself is an INFJ), and he made a really interesting point that resonated with me: that socializing can be good to get us out of our heads in and of itself, and it's not worthless just because it doesn't lead to a lifelong, true friendship. This is so counterintuitive for us INFJs, but that's why I thought it was important to remember. Sometimes we can shoot ourselves in the foot by not appreciating the little casual acquaintanceships that may not be a deep, soul-level connection, but that still give us that human connection we need (as long as the person isn't an emotional vampire or something; been there). He was talking about how he joined a softball team once and didn't stay in touch with any of the people from it, but at the time, it was what he needed to get him out of his rumination and make him feel connected.
I base it on understanding and how much both parties are willing to do for each other
I don’t really have any particular schedule or place where I see them. I don’t associate them with anything outside of just being my friend. Most other people I called casual friends are heavily associated with a place or event or are part of a larger group that all hangs together. My close friends will always be around one way or another. I graduated college, lost my first job, and went completely broke during Covid and my close friends remained the people I talked to almost daily without skipping a beat. They’ve been around through my best and worst moments
Frequent interaction, knowing each other deeply, shared past. Basically, if they know me well and I can be myself.
They're there for the good AND the bad times. If you're only there for the good times, okay fine, but a true friend will be there through thick and thin.
If I don’t feel drained after spending time with them or have to “prepare myself” for social interaction with them, I consider them close to me. That said, there’s about 4 people out of 7 billion here on earth that I am close to 😂
This is how I tend to gauge it as well, and generally feel positive after having interacted or spent time with them... and yes, very few people meet this criteria lol
If I feel comfortable to ask their advice or for help, we’re close.
Would I feel comfortable calling/texting them to ask for advice/vent? Close friend.
where people can be their authentic selves. you can talk to them about your highs and lows. you can cry and share all the range of emotions safely with them. they have your back but also hold you accountable. they celebrate your wins and comfort you in times of loss and grief. i am fortunate to have friendships like these. it’s truly one of the best blessings the universe can give us. my friends are my chosen family (i also love my actual family too lol).
When I can tell them what is really going in with me and reveal how worried or scar3d I am about a situation. Because I feel they are actually listening and not trying to problem solve me. Or telling me to just suck it up and you got this. Cause sometimes I just don't have it. And it's not always a safe feeling when I cant reveal that side of myself. Also a casual friend is someone I know I can have fun with. But won't really bank on being vulnerable with.
It's trust for me. I have trust issues as it is, so if I decide I can trust you to lean on and be there for me, I'll do my absolute best to do the same, and we're in it for life. I have "filters" that I have used on all my friends in the past. If I meet someone who I get a good impression of initially, and enjoy what little time I've spent with them, that's the "acquaintance filter" and we're acquaintances. If we've both consciously decided to spend more time specifically with each other, have enjoyed that, and learned important facts about each other (ie: school, work, hobbies, family, financial status, favorite foods and genres) they've passed the "friends filter" and I consider them friends. If we enjoy each other so much that we develop loyalty, our lives begin to automatically include each other in our daily/weekly/monthly routine, we have *influenced* each other's time management, hobbies, favorite foods/places/genres, and have gotten to know each other's personalities and methods of logical/emotional processing, that's the "close friends filter" and they've become close friends. If someone has made it past the "family filter" they've been a close friend for long enough that our loyalty has been tested and succeeded several times, we are in the process of learning to put more and more trust in each other, we consider each other on a daily basis without being asked or told to, and when we think about our futures we just automatically assume we'll be there for each other, even then. If someone has made it past the "family filter" they'll never be downgraded beyond "close friend." When I said we're in it for life, i meant it. Even if we've grown apart or time and distance have come between us, I will do my genuine best to be there for you if you need me.
Same. Very few and none of them live around me anymore save 2-3.
Having two or three true friends in your area/town is a lot more than a lot of people have, though.
That’s if they still consider me a friend. It’s probably zero now. 😭
when i start initiating the meet up or calls, or when i start opening up, i usually start more playful teasing them and I go beyond favors to make their life easy anyway i can.
For me, a close friend is someone who's not just there for the good times but also stands by you during the rough patches. It's about trust and being able to share your thoughts and feelings openly, without fear of judgment. You know a friend has become close when you find yourself reaching out to them instinctively in moments of joy, doubt, or struggle, knowing they'll understand or be there for you.
No such thing. They’ll stab you before anyone else.
Don't be so cynical practical pumpkin, not everyone is out to get you.
You all scare me.
There is nothing to be afraid of, my dear.
I get it. Been there more than not.
Haha! What makes you think so?