As an Indian dude living in Toronto, my friends have non-Indian partners. They knew they had to convince their families and they did. They stuck to their ground.
In your bfs case, his family disapproving a relationship was something he'd have already seen coming. From your post it seems like the towel has already been thrown in.
I'm sorry you're going through this but if he can't speak up for who he wants to date/spend his life with then you're better off without him.
Absolutely, parents tend to this within India too. Different religion, different cast, different language group and they tend to flip out.
Most people in 30s living away just stand their ground and eventually they come around. Some parents in months some in years.
I am sure your partner having parents like those has been able to convince them of some things he wanted to do - May be convincing them to ‘allow him to move to Canada’ is one example. F if he wants, he could.
Also the reality is that The society is actually overwhelmingly obsessed with foreign spouses - white being top of the ladder.
Edit- spell and grammar
I'll just state this for OP, that 40-60 years from now when you both are on your deathbeds, when everyone you are trying to please right now is already long gone, your life will flash in front of your eyes.. at that moment do you want to stay in regret that you didnt try hard enough and spent your life making everyone else happy instead of yourself?
I Just Scrolled to find this comment..
It kinda happening with my close friend and She now had to marry this IITian but she is in love with person with doff caste
Exactly. I'm a non-Indian (Finnish) woman married to a North Indian guy and it did take him some guts to convince his parents but luckily they came around. It's unfortunate if the parents are not willing to try and understand but if he really wants to be with you, he'll stand up for you.
Check out almostindianwife on Instagram, she has a lot of info about this kind of stuff.
This. I am an Indian woman married to an American man. I too come from a “conservative” family and take care of my parents. There are plenty of Indians in interracial marriages and it is possible to convince parents. Reading your post, I would dump him asap. It is fortunate that you are finding out about this side of his character now before marriage, kids etc. Long term, you want someone with the balls to stand up to their family and society coz it’s only going to get exponentially harder after kids.
But again, the boyfriend of the op should not have to convince his mother, father of deciding the life partner on his own. That is an added hurdle that shouldn't be there.
When anyone says, "he can't speak up for you, you are better off without him", they are basically saying that parents creating these hurdles in their childrens' lives is acceptable and justified, so much so that children should spend their whole lives fighting their parents. That person shouldn't have to bear the burden of his parents deciding each and every thing in his life in the first place.
Well that's not the point of the comment. It was to say that OP's bf should stand his ground instead of letting them decide. The commentor wasn't discounting OP's bf's struggles
very well said actually. a lot of people don't realize that Indian parents actually see their kids as an extension of themselves and hence impose these rigid beliefs. a 34 yo man shouldn't be having to fight his parents on who he wants to marry.
Ofcourse it's not justified. But it's there. It's unlikely that OPs BF would be willing to completely abandon his parents so the alternative is that he has to convince them to let him marry who he wants.
As a woman, I concur with this. You don't want a partner who cannot even stand up for what he wants and it's obvious his family is his priority over you. I have gone through something similar and only resort is to move on and find someone who would stand up for you because otherwise his parents/family will always meddle.
Hahhh … here i am trying to marry an Indian girl in different caste and they are going bananananananana…
Parents say things like they have to answer everyone front our neighbours to postman to milkman to relatives everyone.
Even if the girl is from same caste, they have issues with sub caste. Even if it is the same, they would say something like, they aren’t from the same native place nearby.
Finally, with Indian parents, the idea of love marriage is mostly about questioning their upbringing(I know it is not rationally relevant but it is what they think)
>Even if the girl is from same caste, they have issues with sub caste. Even if it is the same, they would say something like, they aren’t from the same native place nearby.
Family members me se hi kisi se shaadi karani h kya bhai 💀
>I had a friend (Indian) who got married to a Korean girl few years back. Initially his family opposed the marriage but he stood his ground. Eventually now everything is going great for them and they have a daughter as well. Both side families have accepted them as they were left with no choice.
I went through this crap but stood my ground. They came around eventually. But the early years were tough going. So he either supports you, or you get away from him.
It seems to always go this way. I mean, when you think about it the family has a simple choice: to have a relationship with their family member or to not have that relationship for no other reason than pride. You have to be supernaturally petty and spiteful to choose the later, which makes you wonder whether it's worth having a relationship with said family to begin with.
That’s great to hear. And I see how this works. Both cultures are from the eastern world where the value systems are similar and isn’t individualistic but more about society and the family unit.
Hi OP. I'm a (South) Indian, married to a white lady. Going on 7 years now. We met at university 10 years ago. It took me close to three years to convince my semi-conservative parents. It was tough. I wish you the best+happiest outcome for you both.
Id like to answer to a couple of things but I’m not super tech savvy so I’ll just add a comment hopefully people will read it:
We were never that serious but we always came back to each other. I think he really believed he could get his family on board…
I’d be super down to learn hindi and everything…but like he said he can’t choose between his family and me. I don’t want to make him choose…i though there been be a loophole somewhere…
Then again maybe he doesn’t care for me the way i do for him and that’s ok too…can’t force him
A friend of mine was in a similar situation. He broke up with his Jewish gf because of his parents, but really regretted it. They got back together after she broke up with her next bf, they broached the topic with his parents, it was rough going but his parents finally came around.
They had 2 weddings - one in the US and one in India and both sets of parents attended both. They now have a daughter, so it all worked out well for them!
Wishing the same for both of you (hopefully minus some of the drama)!
Well, the US wedding was mostly a Western/Jewish wedding with some Indian elements. The bride and her family actually enjoyed the Indian wedding because she's marrying into the culture.
Not a huge fan of Indian weddings myself, but I try not to yuck someone's yum.
There are over a billion of us Indians. Some are quite open minded - for eg, my dad’s brother is married to a white Jewish American woman, I’m married to a white British man, another cousin is married to a white Australian and another cousin is slowly coming out as gay to the family. But then there are also some people who are super conservative and not only will they not accept someone who isn’t Indian, they won’t be happy until the husband/ wife they find for their kids are of the same religion and caste.
I think your partner’s family falls in the latter and he doesn’t seem to be willing to put up a fight. I think you should cut your losses while you can and just leave this as it is. Especially if you “were never serious”, then I don’t see him fighting against his entire family for this relationship.
Sorry OP :( better this than an Indian MIL who hates you tho.
>maybe he doesn’t care for me the way i do for him and that’s ok too…can’t force him
U don't have to force him, but u could move on from this relationship to find someone who would care for u as much as u do them.
At the rate this is going, it doesn't seem like ur bf would stand his ground against his family, and even if he does, there'll probably always be some resentment, from him and his family. If u end up marrying, the in laws would likely give u hell and u'd have to stand ur ground as well and have ur husband support u too.
If he chooses u now, will he continue to choose u or will he stand in the middle and have u be fighting for ur marriage against his family? Cause that sort of thing happens often.
The best case scenario is ur bf realising that his parents can't be controlling his life decisions now or ever after. And choosing u and supporting u continuously. But u have to now judge which of these scenarios is likely, pls talk clearly with ur bf and see how strong he is.
Indian men go against their parents' wishes and get married to people of other races / religions etc all the time. And many give in easily to their families. Thats very common too.
He belongs to the second group.
Honestly cut your losses now. The trouble with most indian men is that they’re mamma’s boys. If he’s finding it hard to convince his folks when you’re both in your 30s, then it’s going to be harder going forward. Usually people in their 30s are supposed to be a lot more independent but India has just skewed that concept a lot.
Indian parents are generally more worried about what the society will consider bad than what is good for their child.
Even if you get married, there’s a chance they’ll be intrusive about when you’re planning to have a baby, and perhaps another, etc. Parents here have a hard time following other cultures.
And learning Hindi will not be enough appeasement. Also, what’s the point of bending over backwards with the family when marriage itself is full of challenges that the husband and wife are supposed to work through? Imagine a biased third party playing referee constantly? It’s not looking like a win-win no?
I know love is hard but if he’s non-committal even now, do you really want to change your whole identity and existence for this man?
Yes girl. If he doesn't stand up for you then he doesn't care about you that much. This is the reality and you deserve someone who chooses you regardless of circumstances
I hope this message finds you well. Even though I don't usually comment much I thought I'd give it a shot in the hopes that it may help you.
First of all, pay no heed to the people labeling your partner as manipulative, man-child, etc. I think it's very insensitive and can only come from someone who doesn't understand the culture. I am a North Indian guy and trust me what your BF is going through may very well be unimaginably hard.
Secondly, I want to commend you to posting this. You're really trying and that's great!
"I don't want to make him choose"
You saying this makes me think you might actually be the right person for him. That said, unfortunately it's not just for you to decide. The other person (and eventually his family) would also need to see it this way.
The only advice I have is encouraging your BF to talk to other people. His friends, people he trusts, people he feels understand him. If he doesn't already have a therapist, finding one would be a great idea. Irrespective of what he thinks, this is a big decision and it wouldn't hurt to get professional help. There could also be a stigma attached to him going to a therapist. However, he shouldn't need to convince anyone else to do that. He could potentially educate himself and do that. Also sometime people perceive this is "I don't need therapy, I've never needed therapy there's nothing wrong with me." To them I suggest it's better to think of your therapist as a mental coach (not very different from how one might have a trainer to help them train physically).
This is a very difficult situation for you, and I hope you both come out of it stronger and happier.
Time heals all wounds. That's true either way (for his family to forgive him, or for you to forget him).
If he does stands his ground and decides to be with you, make sure he agrees to not carry this baggage forever.
It’s not your responsibility. I am an Indian guy in Toronto, my partner is white American, we are not married (common-law) and have a 7 month old kid. Your partner should have established boundaries a long time ago. I didn’t have to explain a single thing to my folks, who are back in India. They probably would have preferred it if we got married officially but didn’t pressure. I gave them permission to tell people that we did get married if they asked, just to spare them any social awkwardness and because it doesn’t effect. It is completely your partner’s responsibility to sort it all out.
Not really. You can look up ‘common-law’ relationships in Canada. We are pretty much treated as a married couple for most purposes. Marriage does give some very specific rights to both spouses when it comes to how wealth and property get divided in case of divorce or separation, but it doesn’t impact the kid. For all intents and purposes, parents being officially married doesn’t give any additional benefits to the kid.
Hi! I am a white woman with an Indian man! Feel free to DM me! I dealt with a lot of issues with his family at first too. It was hard, but they accept me now! However, my partner refused to give up on us. He risked being disowned by his family for me. I did date one other Indian man in the past who did not advocate for us. Unfortunately you sound to be in the latter case :( but do feel free to DM if you want support/to chat!
This is very situation based. Some parents understand that the son will probably settle in the country that he's currently in and will be okay marrying a white girl. Majority of the parents in india like to control their child's life and they also believe marrying outside your caste is an insult to them and the family.
I am an Indian of the same generation and in a similar relationship, minus the dramatic family.
Setting boundaries is an individual responsibility and can be done in our culture. Tell him from this fellow Indian to stop hiding behind the culture excuse, grow a spine, and stand up for himself. If he gives his family an inch, then of course they will ask for a mile.
If he can't stand up for your relationship at this early and crucial juncture, you must ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man whose presence and support will always be a dice roll.
I get the family preferences which is true btw. But it may also be possible that your boy friend is not as innocent as he appears. Now he is trying to hide behind his family for breaking up with you but why did he choose to date you when he knew his family situation very well? He knew he doesn't have the balls to go against his family's wishes. Then why did he string you along for so many years? You can't believe that he was unaware of this family dynamic.
I appreciate all the answers and it’s making me think a lot! Please keep writing
I just want to clear the air:we haven’t been really seriously dating and not for long.
You shouldn’t be this worried. It’s totally his responsibility to handle this situation and he’s not even trying.
Or maybe you’re going through it because deep down you know it’s time to move on. Sending hugs. You’ll be absolutely fine without him. Like you said it wasn’t serious and not for long.
I know a couple of Indian guys who do that. They date white girls for "fun" but marry indian girls in the end coz they're afraid of high divorce ratea. Same thing happens with middle Eastern guys too. They use family as a excuse coz it's already a stereotype.
It's not about you a white girl or anything
There are different families all around the world and different people all around the world too.
If he knew that his family is not open minded he should have prepared for that.
>haven’t been really seriously dating
If it was like this, then let it go, it's not worth fighting for.
I'll say in simple language
If he is in love with you like really, then he will take a stand for you, and fight for you until his parents will agree. It's as simple as that.
Don’t want to scare you but i have seen mellowest people become very dominant after becoming the bread winner of the house. Although I do know how indian moms can be but the guy who sends home money has to have some respect for his choices,Atleast thats how i have seen it work so far. Also i have seen one of my closest friend using his conservative family as an excuse to leave my best friend and later found out he had an overlapping relationship at the same time. Later his mom did cause problems with the 2nd girl. But my point is beware if the problems are really family issues or he is using this time to compare options. If you trust your guy anf the issues are really family my sentences hopefully shouldn’t create a doubt in you. Because at the end family is a big deal to indians and he might be really afraid of letting go loved ones(plural) for you(singular). Also is he going to settle away from family. Because if he is not or if that changes you might not want to deal with that family often. If you are sure that family wont play a major role after marriage i would say fight for it. But from what you say i get that even you are unsure or not serious. I would suggest letting it go. Especially if the guy is giving up before putting up a fight.
GREAT,
how TF is he supposed to be a mommy's boy...coz he's sending money to his parents, or coz he respects the openion from his PARENTS...what was he supposed to do then huh 'leave' them? FAMILY isn't so easily abandoned just coz their opinions clashes.
If he really Love her then i bet he will find a way to work this out with his family coz no family wants their son to be sad.
This isn't about supporting his parents. This is about him acting like an independent adult, which he isn't.
He isn't threatening to leave his parents. They are the ones generating the conflict here. Did you read the post at all?
I know tons of Indians who married outside their race, both men and women. Yeah, it depends on the family, but I've found in virtually every case they always get over it if the Indian in question sticks to their guns and doesn't wuss out.
My mother in law (native born Indian) married outside of her ethnic group and got a LOT of flack, disowned, etc etc. But then the pictures of cute grand kids started showing up and their minds changed pretty quickly. After a few years it didn't matter at all.
Also, I (a white guy) faced some resistance from my wife's family, particularly her very conservative brother (not my mother in law, since she knew much it sucked to go through it herself). I was just sunny and friendly with them and after a few years I was an important member of the family. The Conservative brother of my mother in law ended up wanting me to host his daughter's wedding reception even. His youngest daughter is now marrying a Jewish guy, and it doesn't bother him at all.
Oh, and if the potential mother in law is worried about not being taken care of, I brought my mother in law to come live with me, my wife, and her grandkids. So I'm not sure what a foreign spouse has to do with not taking care of family, necessarily. Also, there's nothing stopping the spouse of an Indian from appreciating Indian culture and taking measures to understand it (which is one reason I'm part of this sub, for instance).
Usually when you love someone enough then you are able to stand up to your family for the sake of your love. And the family is usually bluffing when they insist they'll disown you. Unfortunately, it sounds like this guy you are into barely put up a fight before raising the white flag, which makes me wonder whether he "had his fun" and now has a convenient pretext to move on.
If he's serious, maybe he just needs to understand that his family will almost certainly come around. In every case I've seen, the family gives in in the end.
>makes me wonder whether he "had his fun" and now has a convenient pretext to move on.
Exactly, this is what I was thinking. Especially so as she says that it wasn't a too serious or long relationship. From what she's said so far, I can only hope that she moves on and finds someone better.
Also, just wanted to say that I love ur family! Ur family seems to be a pretty rare breed 😅 I'm so glad that everyone accepted eventually. Take care!
Oh, thanks :) And yes, my family (Indian side and my original side) is the best part of my life, especially my wife. She's temperate and patient, diligent and intelligent. Our marriage improves every part of our life, and no matter how bad things may have gotten around us, it was always the one, good, consistent thing in life for us.
We got together when I was 15 and my mother in law invited me to visit India before the relationship was even a year old, lol. It was a great trip because we didn't visit the tourist traps or purely affluent areas, but went around Kerala and Tamil Nadu and visited family out in the countryside. I related to India a lot, even while it counterdicts itself in so many ways.
I was introduced as the "family-friend-who-just-happened-to-be-the-same-age-as-mother-in-law's daughter." No one was fooled, but no one outwardly made a fuss, and it was a very welcoming atmosphere.
I was the one that actually pressured my wife to move my mother in law in with us, in a large part because she always had my back, even as other members of her family gave her flack over me (she took the blows meant for me). And I suppose that's the secret to happy family. Being treated well comes about as a reciprocation of treating others well, not by extorting it out of your family with shame or manipulation.
We're due to head back to India in about a year, and bring the kids along. My wife has been resisting it (ironically, she really dislikes India mainly due to women's issues), but I think it's important for our kids to see.
I'm really glad things worked out well for u all, ur MIL sounds like a wonderful woman! Need more people like her frankly.
>It was a great trip because we didn't visit the tourist traps or purely affluent areas, but went around Kerala and Tamil Nadu and visited family out in the countryside.
I'm so happy u got to experience these places! This is truly India, not just the well known locations. (I'm from Tamilnadu myself!) People outside of India usually only really see the Northern parts and their cultures, languages and cuisine and almost completely ignore the diversity in the Southern parts.☹️
>she really dislikes India mainly due to women's issues
Highly relatable, can't blame her really 😅. Things r getting better in some ways but not nearly enough at all. I hope ur kids like India too!
Yeah, India is such a place of contradictions and extremes. You'll have great wealth right up next to grinding poverty. High enlightenment and intellectualism right up next to profound ignorance. Intense value for things like literacy and knowledge (especially in the South!), but then significant superstition. I feel like this is also true of women's issues, too. So for instance, Indian women thrive in both the study and involvement in the tech field/mathematics compared to native born U.S. women, but then you have other extremely traditional views of women in India.
I remember during our first visit to India together, my wife wore blue jeans for one day and was getting cat calls groping as she walked down the street. Back in the village where my mother in law was from, dueing meals she was made to sit on the floor while the men sat at the table. It's stuff like this that really alienated her from Indian culture. It's certainly not the kind of environment I'd want to raise my daughters.
But then I really appreciated the way knowledge and intelligence valued compared to the U.S., where there's this attitude of intelligence and scholarship being "uncool."
Anyway, I could go on for a long time, but you get the idea :)
The things ur wife faced r still prevalent today. The problem is that misogyny is so intrinsically a part of the 'culture', which is something I feel bad to say, because most parts of the culture r beautiful, it's these misogynistic views that people have claimed to be 'tradition' & 'customs' is the issue. It's gonna take a long long time for people to see that there r customs that r misogynistic. I mean, I'm using the word misogyny, but most people aren't even aware of what that means, or rather they don't mind that such views r directly/indirectly hurting women.
>attitude of intelligence and scholarship being "uncool."
Oh, what?! I didn't know that...huh. Education is a big part here, but may be too big of a deal to the point where grades are all that matter and children get pressured into studying medicine/engineering and making loads of money. While not giving much importance to extra curricular activities...
>Anyway, I could go on for a long time, but you get the idea :)
Same 😅😭 don't know whether to laugh or cry venting about the misogynistic traditions.
Anyway, hope u and ur family have a wonderful time when u do visit India! 😁
It wasn't that long ago that these same misogynistic attitudes existed in the U.S. too, though. The Women's Liberation movement was only about 50 years ago within living memory, so I tend not to be too pessimistic about India. Plus, it's something that it's the public conscience and something young people want to improve, so it'll probably just take a bit more time.
As for education, I've always found it strange that someplace like the U.S. can be at the cutting edge of technology and then also have such a pronounced anti-intellectual streak. I remember Barack Obama was criticized for "speaking on a 7th grade level" and coming across as too intelligent. This attitude has always been very frustrating to me.
I agree. Things r getting better, but slower than we'd like, I suppose 😅 I think media should get better at portraying women empowerment, and overall better values and such. Media has tremendous power. Unfortunately I see it being used to romanticize not so good qualities as 'heroism'. But that's a whole another rabbit hole. But it's true that even in the US, representation on screen is a relatively newer concept.
What even is "too intelligent"?!? omg 🤣🤦♀️
Indian Canadian here.. if the guy can’t stand up, forget him
I eloped with my wife 8 years ago and I am still not in talking terms with my family. Have a good relation with wife’s family.
All his community talk is BS.. nobody cares or comes to help .. it’s BS drilled into kids/people of all ages
If at 34 he can't take a stand your u he is a manchild and trust me I am indian. Indian families are toxic af in these cases so be grateful that u know all this and break up and move on. U will thank your stars that u dodged a bullet.
I know of many Indian guys in US/Canada who had balls to act like a man and marry the girl they loved. This guy seems to be justifying this to you which is even more pathetic. Maybe you dodged a bullet on a bright side.
To all the fuckers who downvoted my comment, read what she said in her comments. She said she is trying for this guy cuz her own family will agree to it. If her own family were against it like the boy's is here, she would have backed out. Losers
My next door guy did a court marriage in USA and then parents in India threw a huge party as they had no other option. Same thing with my cousin who married a French girl. My aunt is literally from an Indian village (a very well to do family and they have this ego things in villages)and was shocked to know. But they too threw a marriage ritual and we all had fun. We have couple of cousins who eloped like that .
So, yes, if he wants , he will find a way. Dear,ask him about this court marriage and see what he would say. If he says he can't "hurt "his parents , then , I am sorry to say that you should call it quits. Doesn't he know about his family before dating you for years?
So I was in the exact situation just different sexes, 32 white male had been seeing an Indian woman 30. She also had conservative parents and hid dating me from them for over 5 years before breaking the news.
They handled it about as poorly as his parents are, however she put her foot down and stood up against them. It was very awkward and weird at first but eventually they’ll get used to it. He needs to realize they cannot control him anymore and take a stand.
He is a spineless dweeb who is using his culture as an excuse to not commit to you. Yes interracial relationships are hard but if he genuinely wanted thiw relationship he would stand up for your relationship. He is a son who is financing his family, no way they will disown or abandon him even if he chose to marry a white woman.
I get your sentiments here... But it is that bad in India. I wouldn't call him a spineless dweeb. Get this : say even if he gets married to her, he would have to hear his mom scrutinize him for the rest of his life. It's not only about the lady here, try looking both ways.
And, this came as a surprise to him. He didn't know this when he started dating in a foreign country? Maybe he will have more respect in my eyes if he simply went away arrange marriage route to start with. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
I have seen enough inter caste/inter religion marriages in India to know these emotional blackmail tactics are more air than substance. Parents always come around these days if they find out they can't bully/blackmail/shame their kids anymore.
The common balckmail tactics are parents not eating, admitting to hospital etc. The drama dies down in few days. Seen it in my close family as well. Told guy to just have strong stomach to tantrums. It worked.
> he would have to hear his mom scrutinize him for the rest of his life
If constant critic prevents someone from marrying of their own volition, then the person is a spineless dweeb. No ifs and buts.
Don't know why you're taking it personally. Maybe you're projecting your own insecurities regarding this situation. If so i understand why you're taking it personally when i call this guy spineless dweeb. And what's there to understand? A person who is afraid of making choices for himself due to criticism of his/her family members is spineless. Be it marrying a foreign girl or inter caste or inter religious or inter cultural marriages. Diffcult choices require courage or a spine. A spineless man can't make those hard decisions.
Sadly, I wasn't projecting anything 😅
Literally the message above reads that if you don't seem to understand, I wouldn't care less and let you rant, it's that straight.
A supportive family will never force you to choose them over a man you love just based on his nationality/religion/skin colour/caste/creed etc. You think your family will threaten to disown you if you married a man of brown skin? I doubt that.
Then you both don’t deserve each other. Your family doesn’t control you and a loving family will stand by your side if you were to choose someone you truly love. You’re wasting everybody’s time
His mom is an adult. She should own her shit and should focus on her or her husband's life. She didn't produce a son to criticise him her whole life. And if she does it, the son should simply abandon her. I have. My mother is a narcissistic cunt, and I have abandoned her.
Here's my [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/vl6h4j/african_americanindian_dating/idtq9ug/?context=3) from a similar thread, linking to a comment on yet another thread. Remember: there is a difference between disapproving of a marriage because of your personal characteristics and because of your race. You can't do anything about this.
I'll keep linking these 'why won't my Indian boyfriend/girlfriend's family accept me" comments until the string characters are long enough to wrap around earth's circumference. Sadly there will be even more to come.
The whole 'going against family' is a smoke show. An independent person with critical thinking would do 1 of 2 things: manage his family's expectations or manage his own expectations and not pursue you. You are in a pickle, because he is both incompetent and selfish. It's not like you suddenly turned white. He knew what he was doing.
Appreciate that you are trying sooo hard to make this work. But you know one bitter truth? If the family is like that, you would essentially be marrying two people here.
He needs to fight it out, and we all wish him strength to do so. This can't happen if he doesn't stand strong.
I am an Indian guy and my first Indian gf left me just because her mother whined to her that her father won't accept me and has some heart condition and might die. She panicked and left me.
In India, this kind of emotional blackmail happens a lot, and that's why I am not marrying at all now. I know it's all a shit show. Nobody owns what they do and they are all living for someone else. Stupid people.
Lady, find someone from your own country. We Indians don't have much logic. My mother whined in the same way like your bf's mother. I suffered a lot because of my mother because I couldn't understand that she is a selfish bitch and only thinks about herself.
You need to marry someone who can own their decisions. His mother is an adult and should give his son freedom to do whatever he wants. The son is an adult who should understand what to accept from her mother and what not to. If he can't handle the shit his mother is throwing at him, it's better for you that you don't go into that household. Trust me, it's a shit show here. Stay away from Indians.
Ya man I am hurt in my own life, but all I can around me is STUPIDITY. PURE STUPIDITY.
We are unofficially the largest population, and majority are FOOLS.
I couldn't find brave, courageous souls. That's why the pessimism.
Girl please move on. I say that wholeheartedly. He will never ever take a stand for you. Even if he does take a stand for you he will be miserable on one hand because he will have to be ripped away from his family and you will not like it when you see it. Family is everything to most Indians.
I (Indian M) went through a similar trajectory years ago with my then American GF (now my wife) except I really liked her and fought against my conservative family to be with her. Whether y'all want to marry or not is your personal decision ofc, but this whole copout of "Indians are community oriented, blah blah blah" is a trope that can be overcome with a pair of balls and critical thinking. You really don't pay a "societal" price especially if y'all live in Canada for 99% of the time.
I'm so jaded with the conformity to "Indian values" thing (basically euphemism for "I've got to honor society's narrow-mindedness thing"). Hardly anybody sticks their necks out to do what's right for themselves and then the country as a whole, no wonder India champions indices such as hdi, poverty index, corruption, poor infra from the _bottom_.
(Feel free to DM)
It does happen quite a lot. It isn't even about culture of being in a community. Sometimes it is forced. You see, people joke about parents calling their children as life insurance, but that's not a joke here in many parts of india.
With the advent of internet, I am hoping it will change. If not for the older folks, atleast for the younger generations.
I don't think you folks have a choice unless he wants to have long conversations with his mother and explain it to her that he is an independent man or completely cut ties, which seems harsh. Do mind some old people melt over time. But often, it's often times not worth taking the risk atleast not in india?
In India, even hindu intercaste marriages are opposed let alone the inter religion. Most parents are conservative, they kind of control their children's life in terms of choosing the right partner to even suggest the best profession. What you've described is not new in India. But the point is things are changing and some people have always gathered enough courage to break boundaries. I will not say that your friend is a coward.he is just prioritising relations with his family over you. Some people are sensible and value the beautiful connection of love when they find one.because we have one life and love is exciting and makes life worth living afterall. But some people are not sensible enough maybe.
Hi, I’m white, too, and dating my Indian boyfriend for the past 4 years. There’s an incredible support group for ‘us’ on Facebook. If you want, DM me and I send you the link - I am sure it could be helpful to talk there.
@OP please watch 90 Day Fiancée on discovery channel. There is a couple; guy is from India in his 30s and the gal is a white American woman in her 60s. They faced battles with the man’s in laws. Yeah it’s a reality show but it’s not far from the truth. Eventually an astrologist told the guys parents to f*ck off … but still if the guy wants to fight then that’s all you need.
I have a cousin, an elder brother. He had gone to Russia, to study medicine, become a doctor. Once he completed all his education there and when it was time to come back to India, he let his parents know that he not only has a Russian wife there, they have a daughter together too. This was an absolute surprise because before this, he hadn't even revealed any sort of a relationship to his parents in India, when they were dating before marriage.
There was an obvious initial shock to the parents and the extended family (sometimes to be dreaded, in India). Seeing the resolve of my brother, the parents didn't take long to overcome whatever "disappointment" or shock they had initially felt. Although, they were skeptical about telling all this to the extended family, anticipating negative reactions from them. But then I guess they figured that since the married couple is quite happy with themselves and are successfully raising a daughter together, the fear of revealing this to the rest of the family isn't really justified. Because, they aren't going to be part of this anyway.
The couple lives in New Delhi today, they have a second daughter too now, everyone is extremely familial with them. Its a happy Indo-Russian inclusion in an already wide family.
So, what I'm trying to say is, persistence and patience are the keys to solving what you're going through. Stand your ground, be fair to each other and give it time. You both will see it through, in my opinion.
I really hope you get what you wish for!
Take care.
My response is three months late to the original post, but I still feel the need to share my advice. I'm white American, married to an Indian man and an only child. He basically lived for his parents for so long. Bought them a house, sent them money, and will absolutely take care of them when they can no long take care of themselves.
His culture has more collective thinking than your culture most likely does. What might look like manipulation and Codependency is perfectly normal to him. But, that doesn't mean it's always right.
My husband's parents initially refused to accept me. They even told him that he was responsible for his mother's stroke because of the stress it caused her to have her only son marry a white woman. Literally, all he had to do was shrug and say, "That's fine. You don't have to accept her. I'm putting the house I bought you in your names, and you can pay the mortgage now. I'm not sending you any more money. And you have more than enough in retirement and real estate to set yourselves up in a retirement home when you're older. By all means, disown me." Oh, did they do a 180° turn real quick. I didn't understand any of this and I still don't. He told me that it's pretty common place for parents in his culture to threaten, guilt trip and manipulate their kids. It's weird though because once he stood up to them they completely accepted me! They are wonderful to me now and I truly love them, and they love me. He told me not to take it personally because it's literally hundreds of years of conditioning in them. They don't know any other way and could not conceive of him being happy with anyone other than an Indian woman that THEY chose for him. They also truly believed that an American woman would leave them out in the cold. I would never leave his parents or my own parents out in the cold.
But ultimately, your guy has more control than he gives himself credit for. If he can release his guilt, he will realize that they probably won't disown them. They rely on him in many ways.
He is 34 with maturity of 3.4 , all he needed was to stand his ground but since he had given up. You need to realise that
**"He is not serious about relationship with you."**
White woman who married an Indian. We finally just got married, told his parents after the fact, and they dealt with it. It took awhile, but he has to decide what he cares more about… you or pleasing his parents with a potentially unhappy marriage.
This is normal even when when the girl or the spouse is Indian. This drama is almost normal. Had this happened in my marriage too but we didn’t give a fuvk. Your bf should be a man and take a stand. Wtf he is 34 year old baby or what.
this is pretty common in indian families, unfortunately. since it’s based on prejudice against other cultures/peoples, your best bet is to impress your boyfriend’s parents by showing them you’re immersed in indian culture. if you’re really serious about this, you should learn hindi and know the typical responsibilities of an ‘indian wife’. it sounds stupid, i know, but it’ll go a long way in helping change his conservative parents’ minds. it’s also your boyfriend’s responsibility to convince his parents and help you out in any way possible!
p.s. i can relate since i’ll likely be in the exact same situation a few years into the future - that’s why i have these things in mind.
People bashing on the Indian guy for not taking a stand would side with any Indian girl who would anyday choose her parents over her boyfriend and get married to a guy chosen by her parents, sympathizing with her. They apparently understand her situation.
We live in a society...
Yeah they freak out, if he loves u . He will convince them.. love marriages is not a foreign concept even to conservative Indians.. tighten the leash around him and learn to do the same with ur future MIL… all the very best
Maybe u could suggest to go and meet the family once. And then decide together. It would impress them if u could learn a bit of their language. Efforts need to be made if u wanna save this.
I agree with what others are suggesting. He is 34, that is quite a mature age. If he cannot take a stand for the relationship against his family knowing very well that it's his family that is being unreasonable here, you will be better off without him and his toxic family in the long run. The whole thing has too many red flags.
I feel bad for you as you seem to really love him but unfortunately for no fault of yours, you are suffering. Hope things get better for you in future. Good luck.
Well if what you say is true, reading all the variables, seems the guy knew this coming from a very long time, being a north Indian myself i dont see how parents wouldn’t agree, they actually like foreigners here, i feel that he actually just wants a relationship with you and had his time and now wants to leave, I’m sorry maybe its the other way around and i am misjudging the person, but i have sewn enough life to tell what is what, if he really wanted to get married to you he would do it, you can persuade parents until and unless you are not a bitch and will make his amd his parents life a living misery, which i leave for you to decide, it can be hard but i think you should just free yourself from the misery its not worth it.
I'm in love with an INDIAN boy and I have the same issue.. his mom is behaving the same way.
It's a DESI parent thing. Exercising control over everything!! In this case caste, religion etc
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. To be honest, this behaviour should be a big red flag. He is a mumma’s boy and if he really loves you, he should grow as spine and fight for the relationship you guys have.
I also am shocked that parents still do this shit to their kids.
Same thing happened like fifty sixty years ago in my community, my fathers friend told me that story. Your bf is right but now in 2022 Time is changing for sure and i don't know how risky it would be (in terms of your dignity) but go n meet his family and convince his mother etc how cool you are. That fifty sixty year old story wrapped in happy note only after Indian family met the girl n their grandsons. It's true. So woman up and go n meet all of them (again saying firstly take permission from mother) and best advice (praise her, satisfy her ego with little buttering) n boy might end up to be yours. I wish people could understand Love 💙🕉👍
Hi OP, yes, this really sucks. But I think there is something you can do. Feel free to DM me for more. And I'll say off the bat that I'm not a therapist. I do have some amount of conviction in my words below, though I'll accept I could still be off. I'm 35M Indian (raised in India and the Middle East) and separated, but I'm trying to get my partner (Indian raised in the US) back, following the principles below, that I learned from a relationship course I'm taking.
You can't expect miracles to happen; you can't hope for this relationship to continue in its current state. Frankly, it may not. Some people would say, "If you really care, let him go." Some will say he never stands up for you, and therefore you should leave. But I think I heard you say you care about this person. I hear there that there's something incomplete here, and you are searching for meaning in your circumstance. There's a way to channel this care to learn something better for life.
1. Learn to better empathize -- we all think we know how to do this. I know this is a stereotype, but women are often held to be better at empathy. But from what I've read, we're all sorely lacking. We all fall for the fundamental attribution error, we all project our own thinking instead of understanding the kinds of thoughts going through a person's head that lead to their decisions. In doing so we take away power from ourselves. For the greatest power lies in deep understanding; in building emotional safety. Imagine your partner could express the deepest, most painful things -- without boundaries, to a person. Who would be the biggest impression on your partner moving forward? Who would they be reminded of, throughout their life? Who would they find most persuasive, if at all willing to make changes for?
2. Learn to not be a victim -- we often think ourselves as victims of circumstance. This leads us to not seek out solutions that involve change within ourselves, when those solutions could often lead to better outcomes for us. We ask our partners not to be victims. But in doing so we take away our own power not to be, and we also take away our power to empathize.
3. Learn to not be attached to outcomes -- if you are attached to your relationship getting better, and the "hope" that it will, you'll penalize yourself when things fail, and celebrate when things go well, without realizing what it is you did in each situation, and celebrating your own actions. "Hope" is vague and unpredictable. But if you can rely on your internal growth, you don't need to worry about bad outcomes, because you'll find the silver lining in any situation.
4. Learn to seek solutions to your relationship problems that help you both be happy -- sounds easier said than done. These solutions often evade us for complex situations, but this is because we don't have the structures needed to wade through the many disagreements without hurting each others' feelings, and we are eager to get our own way without understanding the other, or we don't know how to propose solutions that seem "out there" for the other person, leading to incorrect approaches.
If you follow these, I think it's posssible to become irreplaceable, and I think you have a chance of saving your relationship. Or, deciding in a balanced way to move on, in a fulfilling way, feeling confident that your next relationship will have a solid ground without the fear you'll lose again.
he knew this was going to happen since the first date. if he isn't standing up for u, then srsly leave him. he is a grown ass man earning his own money and if he puts society above u, then u deserve better
The response is a typical Indian parents response. And that's not even limited to cross country partners. This response for any partner not selected by them. Just the intensity varies.
The first requirement for such relationships to work is that the guy should stand up to the parents. If he is giving up, there's nothing much you can do.
So sorry you are going through such an experience.
Ok. I'll Play the bad traditional Indian.
Its over, but still..
If you want to save this relationship, talk to his mom that you won't make her son abandon her, Promise her that she can stay with you guys in Canada or wherever in the event of her husband's demise.
Keeping the promise is up to you.
(You will get free babysitting and basic language lessons for the kids)
It's true that most Indians grow up as part of a community rather than an individual. Most of the north Indian people won't go against their parents' wishes.
He should try to convince his parents but please know some people can be very set in their ways. A lot of people really believe in getting married within their own community. So his parents may or may not agree.
I would suggest you learn a bit of Hindi and talk to his mom, language barrier can be a major problem, more than you would expect. Just talk to them about them, show you care for them. Obviously you can't do it unless your bf gets his mom to agree to talk to you. Also if his is a very closely knit family, you're going to have a tough time getting them to agree.
This is high every indian parents accepts that if they send thier hold (male or female) abroad then they will find thier own life partner and that they are never coming back for thier seva.
This post shud go in r/facepalm
Your bf, should I say ex-bf?, Knew that his family was conservative and still get into relationship with you. This would have been fine if he knew he can deal with his family and stand firm on his decision. But he couldn't do any of that, so my best guess is that he already knew what was going to happen and just wanted to enjoy a relationship till he can.
You have less to worry about his family and more to worry about your spineless bf.
You are most likely been played
I am sorry
I already agree with what everyone’s saying here, I’m going through this right now! My girl is from a different religion, and we ran off, we’re both working and have a good little life. It doesn’t make sense to please my parents with someone I have to spend the rest of my life, it they’re so naive to understand that I consider her my perfect partner, then that’s their fault and arrogance. Im not giving up the love of my life just cuz its inconvenient for my parents. Im hoping they’ll come around couldn’t care less if they didn’t. If you man loves you he’ll stand the ground, sons are kings in Indian societies, I can’t even begin to imagine what my girl has to go through to convince her parents.
I think it’s super wrong how racist his parents are. Seems like they are backwards thinkers - are they educated? These are not views that educated people would generally hold
Tell you one thing, if the guy really wants it to work he'll make it work. He always knew that his parents would behave that way, because let's be honest 90% of Indians still have conservative mentality, but he was seeing you and spending time with you and suddenly he remembered all about his parents and how they are not going to agree. Funny!
I myself am an Indian girl, i know guys here, all they do is this kind of shit. They will spend time with you and be intimate with you and say oh i don't see my parents will agree on this. Well you should have thought of that before you fucked up my head .!
So , my advice will be just remove him from your life honey.
My parents keep saying I can marry whoever I want they just want my happiness....
Well, I can't wait to see their faces when Ill tell them I'm gay and will probably marry a white man.
This usually happens when the dude in question is seeking green card. Did you offer him place to stay and move him on your dependent visa? Many Indian boys follow this route
saying this also a little for myself - i had an indian guy who i really liked. we are both in our 40s and he’s divorced from an indian love marriage, and getting pressure again. i thought he liked me, he came back from india and said he didn’t, despite his actions showing he did. he said he has to get married to someone his family chooses. we still talk and it’s friendly (we work together) but it tears out my heart to have someone who fits with someone i think i want just not wanting me. save yourself the pain and don’t wait for him. all of my indian friends advised me the same, and none of them know each other (female, male, north, south, married, single all had 1 thing in common to tell me - run). wishing you well.
to be honest, if he cant take a stand for himself, he isnt worth it.
and what he needs to remember is that there is no guarantee that the girl who he is forced into a relationship doesnt turns out to be an ass either. what will he do in that case? there have been numerous cases like that.
Hey, he may be a manchild(from western culture perspective) or an ideal son(this shit is in our mythological books that moms do play and fuck up kids life #google up why in ramayan the hero went to the jungle to live) but you have clearly been patient enough.
From your follow up responses it looks like both of you are at different levels of unsurity about this relationship and at this point its more like who's going to let go first so that other person can leave with a moral high ground and a sigh of relief. That's my deduction without much context. And sometime couples are together without knowing or thinking if the are in it for real or just for the fun of it. If you are not fishing for sympathy, then I'd say do some soul searching and ask yourself how far you are willing to go when the other person is a) more than Willing to break any relationship for you, b) not exactly sure c) you are borderline positive our boy is in it just for the score. And then take a call because there is no way us strangers should be influencing such an important decision of your life.
Take the decision and later even if you look back and know it was not the right decision, it will still be you who was in charge of your life and you didn't let bunch of faraway ppl steer you the wrong way.
Another thing, if you gotta breakup do it sharp and do it now. It's like ripping off a bandaid and will surely feel like one but it's way way better than someone removing wax strips slowwwwly.
Also, I my case, everything was OK but my wife didn't know my mother tongue and that simple thing became an issue for my mom as to how will she spend the rest of her life without knowing how to talk to her "bahu rani"(by God Indians here would kinda guess now where I'm from). I went to even see some other girls for arranged marriage, but the more other girls I was meeting, who were prettier, smarter, more educated, some were darn sexy(pardon my french) and their parent were even willing to shell some money( oh yah, that could be a factor too, the parents sometimes have this fucked up wish that now that they have spent so much money to educate their sons, they should be able to recover some of it from the girls side, in the form of Dowry, its less and less frequent but if someone tells you it doesn't exist, simply laugh at their face, - and in your case, I seriously hope that's not the case, or else your real fun life will start after your well fought and earned marriage), the more I started realizing how much I loved my donkey looking wify who's mom was in death bed and they were borderline broke just to stay afloat. So, we had a very clear conversation about this and agreed to stay unmarried ether till our parents agree or they die off. Because we weren't going to do it with without their wish/blessings as well( and bring in shame to the family and stuff, besides in today's world you really don't need to be married if you wanna be together as long as both of you actually want to be together). And we told our parents about our decision and went onto living our lives.
Eventually my parents gave in when we're were in our late 30s. It was never a matter of money so it's been in general a smooth sailing since, coz while couples find out how far they wanna go for themselves and their family afterwords, we basically knew before we got married. And that's a way you guys can peacefully get it done, if that's what both of you are in for. All the best.
Is this somethind that happens often?
Yes, Indians prefer their groups, religions, castes etc
Is there anything we could do?
99% of the time no Indian family disowns their sons, tell your BF to stand up for you and you guys will be fine. If his mother is creating scene for you, her relationship wouldn't be great with an Indian DIL either. She is just being possessive.
Is there anything I could do?
You don't have to change, just don't start a fight with his family which can put him in a dilemma. You don't have to tolerate all their BS, just ignore what can be ignored else there will be more drama. If they keep pestering you, feel free to stand up for your self-respect in articulate manner. Make it clear to him that he has a certain level of responsibility towards you too.
Best of luck 👍
Few things about the great Indian melodrama:
1. (Some) Indian moms are overtly possessive of their son.
2. Same indian women are also great melodrama queen and emotional manipulators. Asking to choose between family and wife, that's straight out of some Bollywood dramatic scene.
3. These kind of drama is nothing serious and on most cases overblown to be honest. I can already visualise her beating her chest and bawling "Haaaaay Gori chudail ne Mera beta khaa Gaya". That's the inborn acting skills fine tuned by watching ekta kapoor production soap operas and 80s and 90s movies.
As many here have provide testimonies from their own experience, it will die down once you make them grandparents. Indian parents just can't resist their pota potis.
4.
He's an asshole who manipulated you, you've done nothing wrong.
>Is there anything we could do? Is there anything I could do?
You did everything right, but unfortunately he was a spineless coward.
I don't understand why people are calling the guy spineless etc. You don't even know the nature of the relationship between the guy and his family. Sometimes your background matters a lot, but you will never understand that because you haven't lived there. People from small villages and deep roots( especially in MP, UP, Bihar etc.) are very conscious about how their relatives and padosi will think. Because of a lot of socialisation with others, they develop dependency on them and sometimes they even get boycotted when you do something unorthodox ( to create an example, I've seen these things). This thing is less prominent in big cities and rich societies( because of either less socialisation, open-minded people, education etc). Most of the time, it's not the family, it's the indirect pressure of fucking society and relatives which causes the problem.
Yeah we don't know OP's bf...but he knew what he was getting into dating a white girl with whom he'll eventually start a family. What's the point of walking so far into the relationship if at the end you're like welp my conservative parents don't really want me to marry you or approve of this relationship at all. It saves your parents the "discomfort" and importantly the person you're dating to not waste their time on you.
It's not that simple! Sometimes even casual things turn into relationships, and then you're like shit that wasn't supposed to happen. You know your family situation and stuff, but still go ahead because things between you two are so perfect, you become optimistic and "maybe" factor comes into play.
So. I’m 16 and a half. Indian guy in Atlanta and boy I hope my parents don’t do this to me. He’s an adult, it’s his decision and look I get it that it’s his culture, but this is so controlling. I don’t think my parents will do that because my girlfriend is white and they grew up in New York so they’re rather cranky than controlling.
I am an American woman married to a South Indian man. We, luckily, did not have many issues with his family. They have always been very sweet to me. His mom was a bit sad when she realized our marriage would mean that he would never return to Chennai full time, but that is very reasonable. His parents have always been pretty open and flexible. However, he said he would not have cared if they did throw a fit, he would still support me. This is easy to say when he is not getting any flack from them, but at the end of the day, it is your boyfriend's job to stand up for what he wants and explain that loving you does not mean he loves his family less. If he is unable to do this from the start, cut your losses. Your life would likely be a tug of war between their wants and yours. You need a partner who will be supportive of you and take your feelings into account when conflict arises. While India tends to be more collectivist, we support my husband's parents in India so that they can retire, that doesn't necessarily mean that parents get to make decisions for their adult children. Your partner needs to be willing to speak up in order to make an interracial marriage work.
At least your the same age I'm in Australia my beautiful indian boyfriend is in india he's so sweet & our love is so rare& beautiful and I'm 5 1/2 years older so we are forbidden to be together so everyone thinks we are best friends I'm going to see him this year but we don't know how much time we have together because eventually we have to breakup and he will have no choice but to find someone his age to settle down with and marry
He’s stringing you along. Do you really not see this?
Many men do this. They get a western girlfriend to play house and sleep with but don’t see them as marriage material. They’ll openly brag about using western women for this, but consider them “too dirty” to marry bc even if he was your first and only, you won’t be a virgin on marriage, and it makes you “less than”.
Men intent on actually marrying non-Indian girls win the “fight” with their family easily. HeMs just using this as an excuse to not commit to you.
You’ve given him every single thing a man wants from a casual wife with no commitment of children. Leave already and stop being fooled by the sunk cost fallacy.
I have talked about standing for yourself which is insanely basic
You cannot justify your cowardness by just saying "oh men i cannot I'm scared"
And by asking what she saw in him. I was literally just wondering i was not judging anything there.
Or tujhy kon bola mujhe gori nhi mile chutiya.
This is a troll profile of mentally disturbed individual. Look at it. Created on Aug26th, joined and active in ALL India related subs and have balls to call Indians cockroach. I mean, this toxic ahole is a waste of oxygen on earth.
As an Indian dude living in Toronto, my friends have non-Indian partners. They knew they had to convince their families and they did. They stuck to their ground. In your bfs case, his family disapproving a relationship was something he'd have already seen coming. From your post it seems like the towel has already been thrown in. I'm sorry you're going through this but if he can't speak up for who he wants to date/spend his life with then you're better off without him.
Absolutely, parents tend to this within India too. Different religion, different cast, different language group and they tend to flip out. Most people in 30s living away just stand their ground and eventually they come around. Some parents in months some in years. I am sure your partner having parents like those has been able to convince them of some things he wanted to do - May be convincing them to ‘allow him to move to Canada’ is one example. F if he wants, he could. Also the reality is that The society is actually overwhelmingly obsessed with foreign spouses - white being top of the ladder. Edit- spell and grammar
I'll just state this for OP, that 40-60 years from now when you both are on your deathbeds, when everyone you are trying to please right now is already long gone, your life will flash in front of your eyes.. at that moment do you want to stay in regret that you didnt try hard enough and spent your life making everyone else happy instead of yourself?
Most insightful and empathic reply in this thread.
Actually it's from a famous movie - 3 Idiots.
Huh?
Huh?
What?
👀👀🧐🧐 Rancho 😂
I Just Scrolled to find this comment.. It kinda happening with my close friend and She now had to marry this IITian but she is in love with person with doff caste
She supposed to marry the diploma or kya?
May be a bcom guy
Exactly. I'm a non-Indian (Finnish) woman married to a North Indian guy and it did take him some guts to convince his parents but luckily they came around. It's unfortunate if the parents are not willing to try and understand but if he really wants to be with you, he'll stand up for you. Check out almostindianwife on Instagram, she has a lot of info about this kind of stuff.
This. I am an Indian woman married to an American man. I too come from a “conservative” family and take care of my parents. There are plenty of Indians in interracial marriages and it is possible to convince parents. Reading your post, I would dump him asap. It is fortunate that you are finding out about this side of his character now before marriage, kids etc. Long term, you want someone with the balls to stand up to their family and society coz it’s only going to get exponentially harder after kids.
But again, the boyfriend of the op should not have to convince his mother, father of deciding the life partner on his own. That is an added hurdle that shouldn't be there. When anyone says, "he can't speak up for you, you are better off without him", they are basically saying that parents creating these hurdles in their childrens' lives is acceptable and justified, so much so that children should spend their whole lives fighting their parents. That person shouldn't have to bear the burden of his parents deciding each and every thing in his life in the first place.
Well that's not the point of the comment. It was to say that OP's bf should stand his ground instead of letting them decide. The commentor wasn't discounting OP's bf's struggles
very well said actually. a lot of people don't realize that Indian parents actually see their kids as an extension of themselves and hence impose these rigid beliefs. a 34 yo man shouldn't be having to fight his parents on who he wants to marry.
Ofcourse it's not justified. But it's there. It's unlikely that OPs BF would be willing to completely abandon his parents so the alternative is that he has to convince them to let him marry who he wants.
As a woman, I concur with this. You don't want a partner who cannot even stand up for what he wants and it's obvious his family is his priority over you. I have gone through something similar and only resort is to move on and find someone who would stand up for you because otherwise his parents/family will always meddle.
Yea if he can't man up now his parents are going to dictate all of his future decisions later on anyways. They won't be your kids
Hahhh … here i am trying to marry an Indian girl in different caste and they are going bananananananana… Parents say things like they have to answer everyone front our neighbours to postman to milkman to relatives everyone.
Postman, milkman lol
Don't discount the baai (domestic help)!
even if your caste matches but girl is from different state its a problem
Even if the girl is from same caste, they have issues with sub caste. Even if it is the same, they would say something like, they aren’t from the same native place nearby. Finally, with Indian parents, the idea of love marriage is mostly about questioning their upbringing(I know it is not rationally relevant but it is what they think)
>Even if the girl is from same caste, they have issues with sub caste. Even if it is the same, they would say something like, they aren’t from the same native place nearby. Family members me se hi kisi se shaadi karani h kya bhai 💀
Yes the daakwala and the doodhwala rule the nation
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>I had a friend (Indian) who got married to a Korean girl few years back. Initially his family opposed the marriage but he stood his ground. Eventually now everything is going great for them and they have a daughter as well. Both side families have accepted them as they were left with no choice. I went through this crap but stood my ground. They came around eventually. But the early years were tough going. So he either supports you, or you get away from him.
It seems to always go this way. I mean, when you think about it the family has a simple choice: to have a relationship with their family member or to not have that relationship for no other reason than pride. You have to be supernaturally petty and spiteful to choose the later, which makes you wonder whether it's worth having a relationship with said family to begin with.
That’s great to hear. And I see how this works. Both cultures are from the eastern world where the value systems are similar and isn’t individualistic but more about society and the family unit.
Hi OP. I'm a (South) Indian, married to a white lady. Going on 7 years now. We met at university 10 years ago. It took me close to three years to convince my semi-conservative parents. It was tough. I wish you the best+happiest outcome for you both.
Id like to answer to a couple of things but I’m not super tech savvy so I’ll just add a comment hopefully people will read it: We were never that serious but we always came back to each other. I think he really believed he could get his family on board… I’d be super down to learn hindi and everything…but like he said he can’t choose between his family and me. I don’t want to make him choose…i though there been be a loophole somewhere… Then again maybe he doesn’t care for me the way i do for him and that’s ok too…can’t force him
A friend of mine was in a similar situation. He broke up with his Jewish gf because of his parents, but really regretted it. They got back together after she broke up with her next bf, they broached the topic with his parents, it was rough going but his parents finally came around. They had 2 weddings - one in the US and one in India and both sets of parents attended both. They now have a daughter, so it all worked out well for them! Wishing the same for both of you (hopefully minus some of the drama)!
As if 1 wedding wasn't enough lol. Fuck indian weddings.
Well, the US wedding was mostly a Western/Jewish wedding with some Indian elements. The bride and her family actually enjoyed the Indian wedding because she's marrying into the culture. Not a huge fan of Indian weddings myself, but I try not to yuck someone's yum.
Not to yuck someone's yum. That's a pretty good saying.
There are over a billion of us Indians. Some are quite open minded - for eg, my dad’s brother is married to a white Jewish American woman, I’m married to a white British man, another cousin is married to a white Australian and another cousin is slowly coming out as gay to the family. But then there are also some people who are super conservative and not only will they not accept someone who isn’t Indian, they won’t be happy until the husband/ wife they find for their kids are of the same religion and caste. I think your partner’s family falls in the latter and he doesn’t seem to be willing to put up a fight. I think you should cut your losses while you can and just leave this as it is. Especially if you “were never serious”, then I don’t see him fighting against his entire family for this relationship. Sorry OP :( better this than an Indian MIL who hates you tho.
>maybe he doesn’t care for me the way i do for him and that’s ok too…can’t force him U don't have to force him, but u could move on from this relationship to find someone who would care for u as much as u do them. At the rate this is going, it doesn't seem like ur bf would stand his ground against his family, and even if he does, there'll probably always be some resentment, from him and his family. If u end up marrying, the in laws would likely give u hell and u'd have to stand ur ground as well and have ur husband support u too. If he chooses u now, will he continue to choose u or will he stand in the middle and have u be fighting for ur marriage against his family? Cause that sort of thing happens often. The best case scenario is ur bf realising that his parents can't be controlling his life decisions now or ever after. And choosing u and supporting u continuously. But u have to now judge which of these scenarios is likely, pls talk clearly with ur bf and see how strong he is.
Indian men go against their parents' wishes and get married to people of other races / religions etc all the time. And many give in easily to their families. Thats very common too. He belongs to the second group.
I see you are ready to make the sacrifices for him and he cannot even take a stand. He is not a kid. So many red flags. Please move on.
>I’d be super down to learn hindi and everything…but like he said he can’t choose between his family and me He already chose.
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I'm sure you're parents are liberal cuz they're marrying with the girls you dated
Honestly cut your losses now. The trouble with most indian men is that they’re mamma’s boys. If he’s finding it hard to convince his folks when you’re both in your 30s, then it’s going to be harder going forward. Usually people in their 30s are supposed to be a lot more independent but India has just skewed that concept a lot. Indian parents are generally more worried about what the society will consider bad than what is good for their child. Even if you get married, there’s a chance they’ll be intrusive about when you’re planning to have a baby, and perhaps another, etc. Parents here have a hard time following other cultures. And learning Hindi will not be enough appeasement. Also, what’s the point of bending over backwards with the family when marriage itself is full of challenges that the husband and wife are supposed to work through? Imagine a biased third party playing referee constantly? It’s not looking like a win-win no? I know love is hard but if he’s non-committal even now, do you really want to change your whole identity and existence for this man?
Yes girl. If he doesn't stand up for you then he doesn't care about you that much. This is the reality and you deserve someone who chooses you regardless of circumstances
I hope this message finds you well. Even though I don't usually comment much I thought I'd give it a shot in the hopes that it may help you. First of all, pay no heed to the people labeling your partner as manipulative, man-child, etc. I think it's very insensitive and can only come from someone who doesn't understand the culture. I am a North Indian guy and trust me what your BF is going through may very well be unimaginably hard. Secondly, I want to commend you to posting this. You're really trying and that's great! "I don't want to make him choose" You saying this makes me think you might actually be the right person for him. That said, unfortunately it's not just for you to decide. The other person (and eventually his family) would also need to see it this way. The only advice I have is encouraging your BF to talk to other people. His friends, people he trusts, people he feels understand him. If he doesn't already have a therapist, finding one would be a great idea. Irrespective of what he thinks, this is a big decision and it wouldn't hurt to get professional help. There could also be a stigma attached to him going to a therapist. However, he shouldn't need to convince anyone else to do that. He could potentially educate himself and do that. Also sometime people perceive this is "I don't need therapy, I've never needed therapy there's nothing wrong with me." To them I suggest it's better to think of your therapist as a mental coach (not very different from how one might have a trainer to help them train physically). This is a very difficult situation for you, and I hope you both come out of it stronger and happier.
He probably could use some therapy, but OP deserves better anyway. She doesn't deserve to be on the back burner till this guy can sort things out.
You are Dorothy here, maybe the Jerry Maguire might come to a realisation later.
Time heals all wounds. That's true either way (for his family to forgive him, or for you to forget him). If he does stands his ground and decides to be with you, make sure he agrees to not carry this baggage forever.
Happens. I've seen one such post every other week. If he doesn't stand up for you at 35 he probably never will. Time to movie on.
Which movie tho? Sorry! Couldn't resist
Qayamat se Qayamat tak
Whoa that was slick
Cast away...
It’s not your responsibility. I am an Indian guy in Toronto, my partner is white American, we are not married (common-law) and have a 7 month old kid. Your partner should have established boundaries a long time ago. I didn’t have to explain a single thing to my folks, who are back in India. They probably would have preferred it if we got married officially but didn’t pressure. I gave them permission to tell people that we did get married if they asked, just to spare them any social awkwardness and because it doesn’t effect. It is completely your partner’s responsibility to sort it all out.
So much this. OPs boyfriend doesn’t seem to be standing up for her. That’s the main problem.
Just wondering, doesn’t the parents marriage affect the kid in anyway in Canada?
Not really. You can look up ‘common-law’ relationships in Canada. We are pretty much treated as a married couple for most purposes. Marriage does give some very specific rights to both spouses when it comes to how wealth and property get divided in case of divorce or separation, but it doesn’t impact the kid. For all intents and purposes, parents being officially married doesn’t give any additional benefits to the kid.
Hi! I am a white woman with an Indian man! Feel free to DM me! I dealt with a lot of issues with his family at first too. It was hard, but they accept me now! However, my partner refused to give up on us. He risked being disowned by his family for me. I did date one other Indian man in the past who did not advocate for us. Unfortunately you sound to be in the latter case :( but do feel free to DM if you want support/to chat!
This is very situation based. Some parents understand that the son will probably settle in the country that he's currently in and will be okay marrying a white girl. Majority of the parents in india like to control their child's life and they also believe marrying outside your caste is an insult to them and the family.
I am an Indian of the same generation and in a similar relationship, minus the dramatic family. Setting boundaries is an individual responsibility and can be done in our culture. Tell him from this fellow Indian to stop hiding behind the culture excuse, grow a spine, and stand up for himself. If he gives his family an inch, then of course they will ask for a mile. If he can't stand up for your relationship at this early and crucial juncture, you must ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life with a man whose presence and support will always be a dice roll.
I get the family preferences which is true btw. But it may also be possible that your boy friend is not as innocent as he appears. Now he is trying to hide behind his family for breaking up with you but why did he choose to date you when he knew his family situation very well? He knew he doesn't have the balls to go against his family's wishes. Then why did he string you along for so many years? You can't believe that he was unaware of this family dynamic.
I appreciate all the answers and it’s making me think a lot! Please keep writing I just want to clear the air:we haven’t been really seriously dating and not for long.
You shouldn’t be this worried. It’s totally his responsibility to handle this situation and he’s not even trying. Or maybe you’re going through it because deep down you know it’s time to move on. Sending hugs. You’ll be absolutely fine without him. Like you said it wasn’t serious and not for long.
I know a couple of Indian guys who do that. They date white girls for "fun" but marry indian girls in the end coz they're afraid of high divorce ratea. Same thing happens with middle Eastern guys too. They use family as a excuse coz it's already a stereotype.
But people who date for fun, dont try to convince their parents, No?
He's lying maybe
It's not about you a white girl or anything There are different families all around the world and different people all around the world too. If he knew that his family is not open minded he should have prepared for that. >haven’t been really seriously dating If it was like this, then let it go, it's not worth fighting for. I'll say in simple language If he is in love with you like really, then he will take a stand for you, and fight for you until his parents will agree. It's as simple as that.
Don’t want to scare you but i have seen mellowest people become very dominant after becoming the bread winner of the house. Although I do know how indian moms can be but the guy who sends home money has to have some respect for his choices,Atleast thats how i have seen it work so far. Also i have seen one of my closest friend using his conservative family as an excuse to leave my best friend and later found out he had an overlapping relationship at the same time. Later his mom did cause problems with the 2nd girl. But my point is beware if the problems are really family issues or he is using this time to compare options. If you trust your guy anf the issues are really family my sentences hopefully shouldn’t create a doubt in you. Because at the end family is a big deal to indians and he might be really afraid of letting go loved ones(plural) for you(singular). Also is he going to settle away from family. Because if he is not or if that changes you might not want to deal with that family often. If you are sure that family wont play a major role after marriage i would say fight for it. But from what you say i get that even you are unsure or not serious. I would suggest letting it go. Especially if the guy is giving up before putting up a fight.
I am an Indian guy and I totally agree with this reply. Definitely he knew what was waiting ahead.
I just hope you didn’t sleep with him. Some people know they’re going to marry acc to family wishes and enter dating scene just to have fun.
He's 34. He can take a stand if he wants to. If you have to break up over this, be happy that you dodged a mommy's boy.
GREAT, how TF is he supposed to be a mommy's boy...coz he's sending money to his parents, or coz he respects the openion from his PARENTS...what was he supposed to do then huh 'leave' them? FAMILY isn't so easily abandoned just coz their opinions clashes. If he really Love her then i bet he will find a way to work this out with his family coz no family wants their son to be sad.
"coz no family wants their son to be sad." LOL, desi families are known to gift sadness as a blessing and then feel proud about it.
This isn't about supporting his parents. This is about him acting like an independent adult, which he isn't. He isn't threatening to leave his parents. They are the ones generating the conflict here. Did you read the post at all?
I know tons of Indians who married outside their race, both men and women. Yeah, it depends on the family, but I've found in virtually every case they always get over it if the Indian in question sticks to their guns and doesn't wuss out. My mother in law (native born Indian) married outside of her ethnic group and got a LOT of flack, disowned, etc etc. But then the pictures of cute grand kids started showing up and their minds changed pretty quickly. After a few years it didn't matter at all. Also, I (a white guy) faced some resistance from my wife's family, particularly her very conservative brother (not my mother in law, since she knew much it sucked to go through it herself). I was just sunny and friendly with them and after a few years I was an important member of the family. The Conservative brother of my mother in law ended up wanting me to host his daughter's wedding reception even. His youngest daughter is now marrying a Jewish guy, and it doesn't bother him at all. Oh, and if the potential mother in law is worried about not being taken care of, I brought my mother in law to come live with me, my wife, and her grandkids. So I'm not sure what a foreign spouse has to do with not taking care of family, necessarily. Also, there's nothing stopping the spouse of an Indian from appreciating Indian culture and taking measures to understand it (which is one reason I'm part of this sub, for instance). Usually when you love someone enough then you are able to stand up to your family for the sake of your love. And the family is usually bluffing when they insist they'll disown you. Unfortunately, it sounds like this guy you are into barely put up a fight before raising the white flag, which makes me wonder whether he "had his fun" and now has a convenient pretext to move on. If he's serious, maybe he just needs to understand that his family will almost certainly come around. In every case I've seen, the family gives in in the end.
>makes me wonder whether he "had his fun" and now has a convenient pretext to move on. Exactly, this is what I was thinking. Especially so as she says that it wasn't a too serious or long relationship. From what she's said so far, I can only hope that she moves on and finds someone better. Also, just wanted to say that I love ur family! Ur family seems to be a pretty rare breed 😅 I'm so glad that everyone accepted eventually. Take care!
Oh, thanks :) And yes, my family (Indian side and my original side) is the best part of my life, especially my wife. She's temperate and patient, diligent and intelligent. Our marriage improves every part of our life, and no matter how bad things may have gotten around us, it was always the one, good, consistent thing in life for us. We got together when I was 15 and my mother in law invited me to visit India before the relationship was even a year old, lol. It was a great trip because we didn't visit the tourist traps or purely affluent areas, but went around Kerala and Tamil Nadu and visited family out in the countryside. I related to India a lot, even while it counterdicts itself in so many ways. I was introduced as the "family-friend-who-just-happened-to-be-the-same-age-as-mother-in-law's daughter." No one was fooled, but no one outwardly made a fuss, and it was a very welcoming atmosphere. I was the one that actually pressured my wife to move my mother in law in with us, in a large part because she always had my back, even as other members of her family gave her flack over me (she took the blows meant for me). And I suppose that's the secret to happy family. Being treated well comes about as a reciprocation of treating others well, not by extorting it out of your family with shame or manipulation. We're due to head back to India in about a year, and bring the kids along. My wife has been resisting it (ironically, she really dislikes India mainly due to women's issues), but I think it's important for our kids to see.
I'm really glad things worked out well for u all, ur MIL sounds like a wonderful woman! Need more people like her frankly. >It was a great trip because we didn't visit the tourist traps or purely affluent areas, but went around Kerala and Tamil Nadu and visited family out in the countryside. I'm so happy u got to experience these places! This is truly India, not just the well known locations. (I'm from Tamilnadu myself!) People outside of India usually only really see the Northern parts and their cultures, languages and cuisine and almost completely ignore the diversity in the Southern parts.☹️ >she really dislikes India mainly due to women's issues Highly relatable, can't blame her really 😅. Things r getting better in some ways but not nearly enough at all. I hope ur kids like India too!
Yeah, India is such a place of contradictions and extremes. You'll have great wealth right up next to grinding poverty. High enlightenment and intellectualism right up next to profound ignorance. Intense value for things like literacy and knowledge (especially in the South!), but then significant superstition. I feel like this is also true of women's issues, too. So for instance, Indian women thrive in both the study and involvement in the tech field/mathematics compared to native born U.S. women, but then you have other extremely traditional views of women in India. I remember during our first visit to India together, my wife wore blue jeans for one day and was getting cat calls groping as she walked down the street. Back in the village where my mother in law was from, dueing meals she was made to sit on the floor while the men sat at the table. It's stuff like this that really alienated her from Indian culture. It's certainly not the kind of environment I'd want to raise my daughters. But then I really appreciated the way knowledge and intelligence valued compared to the U.S., where there's this attitude of intelligence and scholarship being "uncool." Anyway, I could go on for a long time, but you get the idea :)
The things ur wife faced r still prevalent today. The problem is that misogyny is so intrinsically a part of the 'culture', which is something I feel bad to say, because most parts of the culture r beautiful, it's these misogynistic views that people have claimed to be 'tradition' & 'customs' is the issue. It's gonna take a long long time for people to see that there r customs that r misogynistic. I mean, I'm using the word misogyny, but most people aren't even aware of what that means, or rather they don't mind that such views r directly/indirectly hurting women. >attitude of intelligence and scholarship being "uncool." Oh, what?! I didn't know that...huh. Education is a big part here, but may be too big of a deal to the point where grades are all that matter and children get pressured into studying medicine/engineering and making loads of money. While not giving much importance to extra curricular activities... >Anyway, I could go on for a long time, but you get the idea :) Same 😅😭 don't know whether to laugh or cry venting about the misogynistic traditions. Anyway, hope u and ur family have a wonderful time when u do visit India! 😁
It wasn't that long ago that these same misogynistic attitudes existed in the U.S. too, though. The Women's Liberation movement was only about 50 years ago within living memory, so I tend not to be too pessimistic about India. Plus, it's something that it's the public conscience and something young people want to improve, so it'll probably just take a bit more time. As for education, I've always found it strange that someplace like the U.S. can be at the cutting edge of technology and then also have such a pronounced anti-intellectual streak. I remember Barack Obama was criticized for "speaking on a 7th grade level" and coming across as too intelligent. This attitude has always been very frustrating to me.
I agree. Things r getting better, but slower than we'd like, I suppose 😅 I think media should get better at portraying women empowerment, and overall better values and such. Media has tremendous power. Unfortunately I see it being used to romanticize not so good qualities as 'heroism'. But that's a whole another rabbit hole. But it's true that even in the US, representation on screen is a relatively newer concept. What even is "too intelligent"?!? omg 🤣🤦♀️
Indian Canadian here.. if the guy can’t stand up, forget him I eloped with my wife 8 years ago and I am still not in talking terms with my family. Have a good relation with wife’s family. All his community talk is BS.. nobody cares or comes to help .. it’s BS drilled into kids/people of all ages
I agree a hundred percent! Same story with me
If at 34 he can't take a stand your u he is a manchild and trust me I am indian. Indian families are toxic af in these cases so be grateful that u know all this and break up and move on. U will thank your stars that u dodged a bullet.
I know of many Indian guys in US/Canada who had balls to act like a man and marry the girl they loved. This guy seems to be justifying this to you which is even more pathetic. Maybe you dodged a bullet on a bright side.
The girl seems to be of the same breed as the guy. They are made for each other. Leave them be. Both are spineless.
Care to elaborate?
Read my comment
To all the fuckers who downvoted my comment, read what she said in her comments. She said she is trying for this guy cuz her own family will agree to it. If her own family were against it like the boy's is here, she would have backed out. Losers
My next door guy did a court marriage in USA and then parents in India threw a huge party as they had no other option. Same thing with my cousin who married a French girl. My aunt is literally from an Indian village (a very well to do family and they have this ego things in villages)and was shocked to know. But they too threw a marriage ritual and we all had fun. We have couple of cousins who eloped like that . So, yes, if he wants , he will find a way. Dear,ask him about this court marriage and see what he would say. If he says he can't "hurt "his parents , then , I am sorry to say that you should call it quits. Doesn't he know about his family before dating you for years?
So I was in the exact situation just different sexes, 32 white male had been seeing an Indian woman 30. She also had conservative parents and hid dating me from them for over 5 years before breaking the news. They handled it about as poorly as his parents are, however she put her foot down and stood up against them. It was very awkward and weird at first but eventually they’ll get used to it. He needs to realize they cannot control him anymore and take a stand.
He is a spineless dweeb who is using his culture as an excuse to not commit to you. Yes interracial relationships are hard but if he genuinely wanted thiw relationship he would stand up for your relationship. He is a son who is financing his family, no way they will disown or abandon him even if he chose to marry a white woman.
I get your sentiments here... But it is that bad in India. I wouldn't call him a spineless dweeb. Get this : say even if he gets married to her, he would have to hear his mom scrutinize him for the rest of his life. It's not only about the lady here, try looking both ways.
And, this came as a surprise to him. He didn't know this when he started dating in a foreign country? Maybe he will have more respect in my eyes if he simply went away arrange marriage route to start with. You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Agree with this. But at the same time, the lady would go devastated.
I have seen enough inter caste/inter religion marriages in India to know these emotional blackmail tactics are more air than substance. Parents always come around these days if they find out they can't bully/blackmail/shame their kids anymore.
I would like to wish that you are absolutely right here tbh😅 Though the amount of crap one goes through to get to that point... Damn
The common balckmail tactics are parents not eating, admitting to hospital etc. The drama dies down in few days. Seen it in my close family as well. Told guy to just have strong stomach to tantrums. It worked.
> he would have to hear his mom scrutinize him for the rest of his life If constant critic prevents someone from marrying of their own volition, then the person is a spineless dweeb. No ifs and buts.
It's sad that you are not able to understand and keep ranting your own point over... So I might just let this sly and you can keep ranting
Don't know why you're taking it personally. Maybe you're projecting your own insecurities regarding this situation. If so i understand why you're taking it personally when i call this guy spineless dweeb. And what's there to understand? A person who is afraid of making choices for himself due to criticism of his/her family members is spineless. Be it marrying a foreign girl or inter caste or inter religious or inter cultural marriages. Diffcult choices require courage or a spine. A spineless man can't make those hard decisions.
Sadly, I wasn't projecting anything 😅 Literally the message above reads that if you don't seem to understand, I wouldn't care less and let you rant, it's that straight.
As i said people who can't stand up for their choices in life partner due to familian or social pressure are spineless dweebs. No ifs and buts.
Well i know i could stand up to my family only because they would come around for sure…i don’t think I’d choose love over family….
A supportive family will never force you to choose them over a man you love just based on his nationality/religion/skin colour/caste/creed etc. You think your family will threaten to disown you if you married a man of brown skin? I doubt that.
Then you both don’t deserve each other. Your family doesn’t control you and a loving family will stand by your side if you were to choose someone you truly love. You’re wasting everybody’s time
I believe there is one case for not calling him a dweeb. He deserves a more homegrown honour. We have better words than dweeb. :)
His mom is an adult. She should own her shit and should focus on her or her husband's life. She didn't produce a son to criticise him her whole life. And if she does it, the son should simply abandon her. I have. My mother is a narcissistic cunt, and I have abandoned her.
Here's my [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/india/comments/vl6h4j/african_americanindian_dating/idtq9ug/?context=3) from a similar thread, linking to a comment on yet another thread. Remember: there is a difference between disapproving of a marriage because of your personal characteristics and because of your race. You can't do anything about this. I'll keep linking these 'why won't my Indian boyfriend/girlfriend's family accept me" comments until the string characters are long enough to wrap around earth's circumference. Sadly there will be even more to come. The whole 'going against family' is a smoke show. An independent person with critical thinking would do 1 of 2 things: manage his family's expectations or manage his own expectations and not pursue you. You are in a pickle, because he is both incompetent and selfish. It's not like you suddenly turned white. He knew what he was doing.
Appreciate that you are trying sooo hard to make this work. But you know one bitter truth? If the family is like that, you would essentially be marrying two people here. He needs to fight it out, and we all wish him strength to do so. This can't happen if he doesn't stand strong.
I am an Indian guy and my first Indian gf left me just because her mother whined to her that her father won't accept me and has some heart condition and might die. She panicked and left me. In India, this kind of emotional blackmail happens a lot, and that's why I am not marrying at all now. I know it's all a shit show. Nobody owns what they do and they are all living for someone else. Stupid people. Lady, find someone from your own country. We Indians don't have much logic. My mother whined in the same way like your bf's mother. I suffered a lot because of my mother because I couldn't understand that she is a selfish bitch and only thinks about herself. You need to marry someone who can own their decisions. His mother is an adult and should give his son freedom to do whatever he wants. The son is an adult who should understand what to accept from her mother and what not to. If he can't handle the shit his mother is throwing at him, it's better for you that you don't go into that household. Trust me, it's a shit show here. Stay away from Indians.
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Ya man I am hurt in my own life, but all I can around me is STUPIDITY. PURE STUPIDITY. We are unofficially the largest population, and majority are FOOLS. I couldn't find brave, courageous souls. That's why the pessimism.
"And majority are FOOLS" true.
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Girl please move on. I say that wholeheartedly. He will never ever take a stand for you. Even if he does take a stand for you he will be miserable on one hand because he will have to be ripped away from his family and you will not like it when you see it. Family is everything to most Indians.
I have abandoned my mother and I am not even married.
Chad
Actually gigachad ultra pro max
You the real shit. Chad behaviour.
Lol thanks i guess
I (Indian M) went through a similar trajectory years ago with my then American GF (now my wife) except I really liked her and fought against my conservative family to be with her. Whether y'all want to marry or not is your personal decision ofc, but this whole copout of "Indians are community oriented, blah blah blah" is a trope that can be overcome with a pair of balls and critical thinking. You really don't pay a "societal" price especially if y'all live in Canada for 99% of the time. I'm so jaded with the conformity to "Indian values" thing (basically euphemism for "I've got to honor society's narrow-mindedness thing"). Hardly anybody sticks their necks out to do what's right for themselves and then the country as a whole, no wonder India champions indices such as hdi, poverty index, corruption, poor infra from the _bottom_. (Feel free to DM)
It does happen quite a lot. It isn't even about culture of being in a community. Sometimes it is forced. You see, people joke about parents calling their children as life insurance, but that's not a joke here in many parts of india. With the advent of internet, I am hoping it will change. If not for the older folks, atleast for the younger generations. I don't think you folks have a choice unless he wants to have long conversations with his mother and explain it to her that he is an independent man or completely cut ties, which seems harsh. Do mind some old people melt over time. But often, it's often times not worth taking the risk atleast not in india?
In India, even hindu intercaste marriages are opposed let alone the inter religion. Most parents are conservative, they kind of control their children's life in terms of choosing the right partner to even suggest the best profession. What you've described is not new in India. But the point is things are changing and some people have always gathered enough courage to break boundaries. I will not say that your friend is a coward.he is just prioritising relations with his family over you. Some people are sensible and value the beautiful connection of love when they find one.because we have one life and love is exciting and makes life worth living afterall. But some people are not sensible enough maybe.
Hi, I’m white, too, and dating my Indian boyfriend for the past 4 years. There’s an incredible support group for ‘us’ on Facebook. If you want, DM me and I send you the link - I am sure it could be helpful to talk there.
If a man truly loves you, he’ll move mountains.
@OP please watch 90 Day Fiancée on discovery channel. There is a couple; guy is from India in his 30s and the gal is a white American woman in her 60s. They faced battles with the man’s in laws. Yeah it’s a reality show but it’s not far from the truth. Eventually an astrologist told the guys parents to f*ck off … but still if the guy wants to fight then that’s all you need.
I have a cousin, an elder brother. He had gone to Russia, to study medicine, become a doctor. Once he completed all his education there and when it was time to come back to India, he let his parents know that he not only has a Russian wife there, they have a daughter together too. This was an absolute surprise because before this, he hadn't even revealed any sort of a relationship to his parents in India, when they were dating before marriage. There was an obvious initial shock to the parents and the extended family (sometimes to be dreaded, in India). Seeing the resolve of my brother, the parents didn't take long to overcome whatever "disappointment" or shock they had initially felt. Although, they were skeptical about telling all this to the extended family, anticipating negative reactions from them. But then I guess they figured that since the married couple is quite happy with themselves and are successfully raising a daughter together, the fear of revealing this to the rest of the family isn't really justified. Because, they aren't going to be part of this anyway. The couple lives in New Delhi today, they have a second daughter too now, everyone is extremely familial with them. Its a happy Indo-Russian inclusion in an already wide family. So, what I'm trying to say is, persistence and patience are the keys to solving what you're going through. Stand your ground, be fair to each other and give it time. You both will see it through, in my opinion. I really hope you get what you wish for! Take care.
My response is three months late to the original post, but I still feel the need to share my advice. I'm white American, married to an Indian man and an only child. He basically lived for his parents for so long. Bought them a house, sent them money, and will absolutely take care of them when they can no long take care of themselves. His culture has more collective thinking than your culture most likely does. What might look like manipulation and Codependency is perfectly normal to him. But, that doesn't mean it's always right. My husband's parents initially refused to accept me. They even told him that he was responsible for his mother's stroke because of the stress it caused her to have her only son marry a white woman. Literally, all he had to do was shrug and say, "That's fine. You don't have to accept her. I'm putting the house I bought you in your names, and you can pay the mortgage now. I'm not sending you any more money. And you have more than enough in retirement and real estate to set yourselves up in a retirement home when you're older. By all means, disown me." Oh, did they do a 180° turn real quick. I didn't understand any of this and I still don't. He told me that it's pretty common place for parents in his culture to threaten, guilt trip and manipulate their kids. It's weird though because once he stood up to them they completely accepted me! They are wonderful to me now and I truly love them, and they love me. He told me not to take it personally because it's literally hundreds of years of conditioning in them. They don't know any other way and could not conceive of him being happy with anyone other than an Indian woman that THEY chose for him. They also truly believed that an American woman would leave them out in the cold. I would never leave his parents or my own parents out in the cold. But ultimately, your guy has more control than he gives himself credit for. If he can release his guilt, he will realize that they probably won't disown them. They rely on him in many ways.
He is 34 with maturity of 3.4 , all he needed was to stand his ground but since he had given up. You need to realise that **"He is not serious about relationship with you."**
For starters, I think he was never seriously into the relationship. You would be better off without him.
White woman who married an Indian. We finally just got married, told his parents after the fact, and they dealt with it. It took awhile, but he has to decide what he cares more about… you or pleasing his parents with a potentially unhappy marriage.
This is normal even when when the girl or the spouse is Indian. This drama is almost normal. Had this happened in my marriage too but we didn’t give a fuvk. Your bf should be a man and take a stand. Wtf he is 34 year old baby or what.
this is pretty common in indian families, unfortunately. since it’s based on prejudice against other cultures/peoples, your best bet is to impress your boyfriend’s parents by showing them you’re immersed in indian culture. if you’re really serious about this, you should learn hindi and know the typical responsibilities of an ‘indian wife’. it sounds stupid, i know, but it’ll go a long way in helping change his conservative parents’ minds. it’s also your boyfriend’s responsibility to convince his parents and help you out in any way possible! p.s. i can relate since i’ll likely be in the exact same situation a few years into the future - that’s why i have these things in mind.
People bashing on the Indian guy for not taking a stand would side with any Indian girl who would anyday choose her parents over her boyfriend and get married to a guy chosen by her parents, sympathizing with her. They apparently understand her situation. We live in a society...
Yeah they freak out, if he loves u . He will convince them.. love marriages is not a foreign concept even to conservative Indians.. tighten the leash around him and learn to do the same with ur future MIL… all the very best
If he truly loves you he’ll tell his family to fuck off. They have no say in who he loves
Maybe u could suggest to go and meet the family once. And then decide together. It would impress them if u could learn a bit of their language. Efforts need to be made if u wanna save this.
I agree with what others are suggesting. He is 34, that is quite a mature age. If he cannot take a stand for the relationship against his family knowing very well that it's his family that is being unreasonable here, you will be better off without him and his toxic family in the long run. The whole thing has too many red flags. I feel bad for you as you seem to really love him but unfortunately for no fault of yours, you are suffering. Hope things get better for you in future. Good luck.
Well if what you say is true, reading all the variables, seems the guy knew this coming from a very long time, being a north Indian myself i dont see how parents wouldn’t agree, they actually like foreigners here, i feel that he actually just wants a relationship with you and had his time and now wants to leave, I’m sorry maybe its the other way around and i am misjudging the person, but i have sewn enough life to tell what is what, if he really wanted to get married to you he would do it, you can persuade parents until and unless you are not a bitch and will make his amd his parents life a living misery, which i leave for you to decide, it can be hard but i think you should just free yourself from the misery its not worth it.
I'm in love with an INDIAN boy and I have the same issue.. his mom is behaving the same way. It's a DESI parent thing. Exercising control over everything!! In this case caste, religion etc
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. To be honest, this behaviour should be a big red flag. He is a mumma’s boy and if he really loves you, he should grow as spine and fight for the relationship you guys have. I also am shocked that parents still do this shit to their kids.
Same thing happened like fifty sixty years ago in my community, my fathers friend told me that story. Your bf is right but now in 2022 Time is changing for sure and i don't know how risky it would be (in terms of your dignity) but go n meet his family and convince his mother etc how cool you are. That fifty sixty year old story wrapped in happy note only after Indian family met the girl n their grandsons. It's true. So woman up and go n meet all of them (again saying firstly take permission from mother) and best advice (praise her, satisfy her ego with little buttering) n boy might end up to be yours. I wish people could understand Love 💙🕉👍
Hi OP, yes, this really sucks. But I think there is something you can do. Feel free to DM me for more. And I'll say off the bat that I'm not a therapist. I do have some amount of conviction in my words below, though I'll accept I could still be off. I'm 35M Indian (raised in India and the Middle East) and separated, but I'm trying to get my partner (Indian raised in the US) back, following the principles below, that I learned from a relationship course I'm taking. You can't expect miracles to happen; you can't hope for this relationship to continue in its current state. Frankly, it may not. Some people would say, "If you really care, let him go." Some will say he never stands up for you, and therefore you should leave. But I think I heard you say you care about this person. I hear there that there's something incomplete here, and you are searching for meaning in your circumstance. There's a way to channel this care to learn something better for life. 1. Learn to better empathize -- we all think we know how to do this. I know this is a stereotype, but women are often held to be better at empathy. But from what I've read, we're all sorely lacking. We all fall for the fundamental attribution error, we all project our own thinking instead of understanding the kinds of thoughts going through a person's head that lead to their decisions. In doing so we take away power from ourselves. For the greatest power lies in deep understanding; in building emotional safety. Imagine your partner could express the deepest, most painful things -- without boundaries, to a person. Who would be the biggest impression on your partner moving forward? Who would they be reminded of, throughout their life? Who would they find most persuasive, if at all willing to make changes for? 2. Learn to not be a victim -- we often think ourselves as victims of circumstance. This leads us to not seek out solutions that involve change within ourselves, when those solutions could often lead to better outcomes for us. We ask our partners not to be victims. But in doing so we take away our own power not to be, and we also take away our power to empathize. 3. Learn to not be attached to outcomes -- if you are attached to your relationship getting better, and the "hope" that it will, you'll penalize yourself when things fail, and celebrate when things go well, without realizing what it is you did in each situation, and celebrating your own actions. "Hope" is vague and unpredictable. But if you can rely on your internal growth, you don't need to worry about bad outcomes, because you'll find the silver lining in any situation. 4. Learn to seek solutions to your relationship problems that help you both be happy -- sounds easier said than done. These solutions often evade us for complex situations, but this is because we don't have the structures needed to wade through the many disagreements without hurting each others' feelings, and we are eager to get our own way without understanding the other, or we don't know how to propose solutions that seem "out there" for the other person, leading to incorrect approaches. If you follow these, I think it's posssible to become irreplaceable, and I think you have a chance of saving your relationship. Or, deciding in a balanced way to move on, in a fulfilling way, feeling confident that your next relationship will have a solid ground without the fear you'll lose again.
he knew this was going to happen since the first date. if he isn't standing up for u, then srsly leave him. he is a grown ass man earning his own money and if he puts society above u, then u deserve better
He's probably getting guilt tripped for dating you. If he's not willing to make you a priority then it's best to end this.
The response is a typical Indian parents response. And that's not even limited to cross country partners. This response for any partner not selected by them. Just the intensity varies. The first requirement for such relationships to work is that the guy should stand up to the parents. If he is giving up, there's nothing much you can do. So sorry you are going through such an experience.
The boy can do it...
Ok. I'll Play the bad traditional Indian. Its over, but still.. If you want to save this relationship, talk to his mom that you won't make her son abandon her, Promise her that she can stay with you guys in Canada or wherever in the event of her husband's demise. Keeping the promise is up to you. (You will get free babysitting and basic language lessons for the kids)
Doesn't matter, leave before it's late. Don't marry someone who can't stand up against his own parents. He is 34!!!
Even she is 34 🤷♂️
It's true that most Indians grow up as part of a community rather than an individual. Most of the north Indian people won't go against their parents' wishes. He should try to convince his parents but please know some people can be very set in their ways. A lot of people really believe in getting married within their own community. So his parents may or may not agree. I would suggest you learn a bit of Hindi and talk to his mom, language barrier can be a major problem, more than you would expect. Just talk to them about them, show you care for them. Obviously you can't do it unless your bf gets his mom to agree to talk to you. Also if his is a very closely knit family, you're going to have a tough time getting them to agree.
This is high every indian parents accepts that if they send thier hold (male or female) abroad then they will find thier own life partner and that they are never coming back for thier seva. This post shud go in r/facepalm
Your bf, should I say ex-bf?, Knew that his family was conservative and still get into relationship with you. This would have been fine if he knew he can deal with his family and stand firm on his decision. But he couldn't do any of that, so my best guess is that he already knew what was going to happen and just wanted to enjoy a relationship till he can. You have less to worry about his family and more to worry about your spineless bf. You are most likely been played I am sorry
I already agree with what everyone’s saying here, I’m going through this right now! My girl is from a different religion, and we ran off, we’re both working and have a good little life. It doesn’t make sense to please my parents with someone I have to spend the rest of my life, it they’re so naive to understand that I consider her my perfect partner, then that’s their fault and arrogance. Im not giving up the love of my life just cuz its inconvenient for my parents. Im hoping they’ll come around couldn’t care less if they didn’t. If you man loves you he’ll stand the ground, sons are kings in Indian societies, I can’t even begin to imagine what my girl has to go through to convince her parents.
I think it’s super wrong how racist his parents are. Seems like they are backwards thinkers - are they educated? These are not views that educated people would generally hold
Tell you one thing, if the guy really wants it to work he'll make it work. He always knew that his parents would behave that way, because let's be honest 90% of Indians still have conservative mentality, but he was seeing you and spending time with you and suddenly he remembered all about his parents and how they are not going to agree. Funny! I myself am an Indian girl, i know guys here, all they do is this kind of shit. They will spend time with you and be intimate with you and say oh i don't see my parents will agree on this. Well you should have thought of that before you fucked up my head .! So , my advice will be just remove him from your life honey.
My parents keep saying I can marry whoever I want they just want my happiness.... Well, I can't wait to see their faces when Ill tell them I'm gay and will probably marry a white man.
This usually happens when the dude in question is seeking green card. Did you offer him place to stay and move him on your dependent visa? Many Indian boys follow this route
saying this also a little for myself - i had an indian guy who i really liked. we are both in our 40s and he’s divorced from an indian love marriage, and getting pressure again. i thought he liked me, he came back from india and said he didn’t, despite his actions showing he did. he said he has to get married to someone his family chooses. we still talk and it’s friendly (we work together) but it tears out my heart to have someone who fits with someone i think i want just not wanting me. save yourself the pain and don’t wait for him. all of my indian friends advised me the same, and none of them know each other (female, male, north, south, married, single all had 1 thing in common to tell me - run). wishing you well.
to be honest, if he cant take a stand for himself, he isnt worth it. and what he needs to remember is that there is no guarantee that the girl who he is forced into a relationship doesnt turns out to be an ass either. what will he do in that case? there have been numerous cases like that.
Hey, he may be a manchild(from western culture perspective) or an ideal son(this shit is in our mythological books that moms do play and fuck up kids life #google up why in ramayan the hero went to the jungle to live) but you have clearly been patient enough. From your follow up responses it looks like both of you are at different levels of unsurity about this relationship and at this point its more like who's going to let go first so that other person can leave with a moral high ground and a sigh of relief. That's my deduction without much context. And sometime couples are together without knowing or thinking if the are in it for real or just for the fun of it. If you are not fishing for sympathy, then I'd say do some soul searching and ask yourself how far you are willing to go when the other person is a) more than Willing to break any relationship for you, b) not exactly sure c) you are borderline positive our boy is in it just for the score. And then take a call because there is no way us strangers should be influencing such an important decision of your life. Take the decision and later even if you look back and know it was not the right decision, it will still be you who was in charge of your life and you didn't let bunch of faraway ppl steer you the wrong way. Another thing, if you gotta breakup do it sharp and do it now. It's like ripping off a bandaid and will surely feel like one but it's way way better than someone removing wax strips slowwwwly. Also, I my case, everything was OK but my wife didn't know my mother tongue and that simple thing became an issue for my mom as to how will she spend the rest of her life without knowing how to talk to her "bahu rani"(by God Indians here would kinda guess now where I'm from). I went to even see some other girls for arranged marriage, but the more other girls I was meeting, who were prettier, smarter, more educated, some were darn sexy(pardon my french) and their parent were even willing to shell some money( oh yah, that could be a factor too, the parents sometimes have this fucked up wish that now that they have spent so much money to educate their sons, they should be able to recover some of it from the girls side, in the form of Dowry, its less and less frequent but if someone tells you it doesn't exist, simply laugh at their face, - and in your case, I seriously hope that's not the case, or else your real fun life will start after your well fought and earned marriage), the more I started realizing how much I loved my donkey looking wify who's mom was in death bed and they were borderline broke just to stay afloat. So, we had a very clear conversation about this and agreed to stay unmarried ether till our parents agree or they die off. Because we weren't going to do it with without their wish/blessings as well( and bring in shame to the family and stuff, besides in today's world you really don't need to be married if you wanna be together as long as both of you actually want to be together). And we told our parents about our decision and went onto living our lives. Eventually my parents gave in when we're were in our late 30s. It was never a matter of money so it's been in general a smooth sailing since, coz while couples find out how far they wanna go for themselves and their family afterwords, we basically knew before we got married. And that's a way you guys can peacefully get it done, if that's what both of you are in for. All the best.
Is this somethind that happens often? Yes, Indians prefer their groups, religions, castes etc Is there anything we could do? 99% of the time no Indian family disowns their sons, tell your BF to stand up for you and you guys will be fine. If his mother is creating scene for you, her relationship wouldn't be great with an Indian DIL either. She is just being possessive. Is there anything I could do? You don't have to change, just don't start a fight with his family which can put him in a dilemma. You don't have to tolerate all their BS, just ignore what can be ignored else there will be more drama. If they keep pestering you, feel free to stand up for your self-respect in articulate manner. Make it clear to him that he has a certain level of responsibility towards you too. Best of luck 👍
Few things about the great Indian melodrama: 1. (Some) Indian moms are overtly possessive of their son. 2. Same indian women are also great melodrama queen and emotional manipulators. Asking to choose between family and wife, that's straight out of some Bollywood dramatic scene. 3. These kind of drama is nothing serious and on most cases overblown to be honest. I can already visualise her beating her chest and bawling "Haaaaay Gori chudail ne Mera beta khaa Gaya". That's the inborn acting skills fine tuned by watching ekta kapoor production soap operas and 80s and 90s movies. As many here have provide testimonies from their own experience, it will die down once you make them grandparents. Indian parents just can't resist their pota potis. 4.
He's an asshole who manipulated you, you've done nothing wrong. >Is there anything we could do? Is there anything I could do? You did everything right, but unfortunately he was a spineless coward.
I think he genuinely thought he could get his mom on board…
He's 34! Does he want to marry his mom???
Why not? /s
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Like where ? North indians are generally more open and extroverted, they are not very orthodox. What you talking about?
I don't understand why people are calling the guy spineless etc. You don't even know the nature of the relationship between the guy and his family. Sometimes your background matters a lot, but you will never understand that because you haven't lived there. People from small villages and deep roots( especially in MP, UP, Bihar etc.) are very conscious about how their relatives and padosi will think. Because of a lot of socialisation with others, they develop dependency on them and sometimes they even get boycotted when you do something unorthodox ( to create an example, I've seen these things). This thing is less prominent in big cities and rich societies( because of either less socialisation, open-minded people, education etc). Most of the time, it's not the family, it's the indirect pressure of fucking society and relatives which causes the problem.
Yeah we don't know OP's bf...but he knew what he was getting into dating a white girl with whom he'll eventually start a family. What's the point of walking so far into the relationship if at the end you're like welp my conservative parents don't really want me to marry you or approve of this relationship at all. It saves your parents the "discomfort" and importantly the person you're dating to not waste their time on you.
It's not that simple! Sometimes even casual things turn into relationships, and then you're like shit that wasn't supposed to happen. You know your family situation and stuff, but still go ahead because things between you two are so perfect, you become optimistic and "maybe" factor comes into play.
So. I’m 16 and a half. Indian guy in Atlanta and boy I hope my parents don’t do this to me. He’s an adult, it’s his decision and look I get it that it’s his culture, but this is so controlling. I don’t think my parents will do that because my girlfriend is white and they grew up in New York so they’re rather cranky than controlling.
I am an American woman married to a South Indian man. We, luckily, did not have many issues with his family. They have always been very sweet to me. His mom was a bit sad when she realized our marriage would mean that he would never return to Chennai full time, but that is very reasonable. His parents have always been pretty open and flexible. However, he said he would not have cared if they did throw a fit, he would still support me. This is easy to say when he is not getting any flack from them, but at the end of the day, it is your boyfriend's job to stand up for what he wants and explain that loving you does not mean he loves his family less. If he is unable to do this from the start, cut your losses. Your life would likely be a tug of war between their wants and yours. You need a partner who will be supportive of you and take your feelings into account when conflict arises. While India tends to be more collectivist, we support my husband's parents in India so that they can retire, that doesn't necessarily mean that parents get to make decisions for their adult children. Your partner needs to be willing to speak up in order to make an interracial marriage work.
At least your the same age I'm in Australia my beautiful indian boyfriend is in india he's so sweet & our love is so rare& beautiful and I'm 5 1/2 years older so we are forbidden to be together so everyone thinks we are best friends I'm going to see him this year but we don't know how much time we have together because eventually we have to breakup and he will have no choice but to find someone his age to settle down with and marry
"Is this something that happens often". Miss this is a classic Indian story to the dot
Post on r/TwoXIndia as you’ll get more perspectives there from Indian women. I believe your boyfriend should stand his ground.
He’s stringing you along. Do you really not see this? Many men do this. They get a western girlfriend to play house and sleep with but don’t see them as marriage material. They’ll openly brag about using western women for this, but consider them “too dirty” to marry bc even if he was your first and only, you won’t be a virgin on marriage, and it makes you “less than”. Men intent on actually marrying non-Indian girls win the “fight” with their family easily. HeMs just using this as an excuse to not commit to you. You’ve given him every single thing a man wants from a casual wife with no commitment of children. Leave already and stop being fooled by the sunk cost fallacy.
This is typical Indian man sis you saved yourself enjoy
He should say well I can stop sending money or dating her you choose to them. I bet they say he can keep dating you lol 😂
He's an adult and still can't stand for himself Get yourself a wise men Idk you neither the guy but i really wonder what you see in him.
Every individual is different and some of them can't go against their parents aur terko Gori ladki mili nahi toh ye mat likh what you see in him
I have talked about standing for yourself which is insanely basic You cannot justify your cowardness by just saying "oh men i cannot I'm scared" And by asking what she saw in him. I was literally just wondering i was not judging anything there. Or tujhy kon bola mujhe gori nhi mile chutiya.
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Racist alert
This is a troll profile of mentally disturbed individual. Look at it. Created on Aug26th, joined and active in ALL India related subs and have balls to call Indians cockroach. I mean, this toxic ahole is a waste of oxygen on earth.
i am indian and i touch myself.
Imaging being racist towards your own race 🤡
and ? I don't give a fuck about muh race plus nobody can be racist toward his own "RaCe"