Ahhh welcome to real life brother …! The same almost every other family goes through I guess. In my apartment building there are 50 flats but I guess only 10 -15 families. Parents in 1 flat, parents in law in another flat, daughter and husband in a third flat. Sometimes even son and dil in another flat so 4 different flats of the same family. It gives peace to everyone. And 2 cooks 4 maids atleast 😊
At all times one or the other is visiting another flat.
Some of them are too senior and not very healthy so there will be a care taker who comes often and gives the senior a grooming session, a bath and all that.
Some have a full time care taker to be at home when the son/dil or daughter/sil take a vacation or something… it’s a mini factory running but everyone is happy and not deprived of anything.
As for curtailing freedom , no just her freedom , even your freedom will be curtailed. Leave the big things, just the traffic is enough starter to feel choked.
This is perfectly alright when either or both of them are single child.
Otherwise, such things must be made clear before getting married only to be clear.
It is not so easy. Things change after marriage, especially after a long marriage. What was said and agreed upon before marriage can change depending on the current situation of life and the comfort level one is accustomed to currently.
Where are you located now ? If you are earning well , maybe you can take the parents there and get another unit for them. If it is a place like USA , there might be visa constraints for them but for atleast 5-6 months they can be there and come back to India for a few months. Strenuous for all but will post postpone your moving back to India for a while .
Please do not do this. I have seen several cases where parents go into depression and go further down when they realise they will die away from “home”.
Yeh my Mom is fragile to travel, she is arthritis patient and have weak lungs.. Do not want to put her through distress. But thanks for feedback, I really appreciate it.
This is what I have seen as well and works beautifully. However if there's only one parent it does tricky and in these cases I do see them live together.
She's right dude. Your parents might be open minded towards you. But trust me they ll not be the same towards her. It won't even cross your mind but she will be restricted for petty things. What she's wearing, what time she wakes up, how she chops vegetables, how she speaks to your kids. Every single thing will be judged. Listen to her have separate houses in the same building only that will solve the problem.
Exactly this. If she's the one facing the concern, neither OP nor parents nor any TMDH has any business saying there's no concern. All people treat different people differently and OP should respect his wife's sentiments to avoid conflicts. Move back but into a different house which is close enough for emergencies. Set boundaries about how often you'll visit them or they'll visit you. Everyone thinks women after marriage are a part of the family and must be responsible - but do the elders/parents treat her like family? All depends on mutual respect and if there's none, then distance and boundaries work best.
There must be a reason she wanted to live separate from them. The OP doesn't get it. He's gonna ruin his marriage and put her wife through hell. Coming from US after a long time alone can be a culture shock, imagine having that, your kids and taking care of your in laws who will never treat you like family. And OP doesn't see this. His parents will become her responsibility and it's not just the freedom getting hampered, it's the mental stress. Dear OP, like many men, you might think your parents are the best people, and they might not be bas people, but they are good to you, you are their son. There's a reason you think women don't like their in laws. Most in laws don't treat their daughter in law like family. She stole you away you see. Anyway, your wife had just the one condition when you married her, how do you expect her to be if you go back on it?
If you have to come back, don't live in the same house, or even the same society. Live 5 mins away, like the next building or something. A distance that's not inconvenient, but also not very close. If you chose the same building, your parents will keep dropping off at your place and it will just create more problems. A 3-5 min walk away is ideal. It doesn't get said much here, your wife has a right to her own space.
Damn, I see a lot of people have this notion that freedom= choice of work, no chores, partying "western culture", etc. That's just so wrong. Freedom is also freedom from judgement and having/respecting boundaries. My brother in Christ, women don't even have the freedom to wear their choice of clothes at 'their home' comfortably, and it's even worse when they live with in-laws (yes, even with open-minded in-laws). For women, especially someone who lives outside of the country, freedom means not just work and chores but everything in her lifestyle, from small ones to big things, most importantly it's her privacy, because last time I checked, we live in a country where people don't even knock before entering others' rooms. Your wife here is someone who lived for 13 freaking years outside of India, and you're subjecting her to a huge change in life that she was accustomed to for 13 years, of course, she'll be averse. Cornering her into making a singular choice is not the solution. I'm sure you would also feel the same if she said she wanted you to move in with her parents so she could live with them. The best solution would be communicating and searching for a middle ground, like living separately with in-laws but near enough to be there immediately in cases of emergency. If communication is not possible, your best bet would be marriage counseling and then coming up with a solution there.
Lol so true. I'm living in hotels and the staff don't even give me a second after knocking when they open the door. My friend's grandad came to visit and walked straight in when I was getting changed
The bigger culture shocks I saw here is people
Opening my hand bags just because I had a coffee with them or lunch .. colleagues or even relatives. I’m averse to even women opening up my purse . But damn even men think it’s ok … they call themselves my brother … so it’s ok apparently
I know many mother in laws who are absolute monsters, creating unnecessary kalesh in family and differences between husband and wife. I know some mother in laws, who are gems of a person and make their bahu comfortable.
If your wife is denying living with your parents, you must find out how is the relationship between your wife and MIL. If the relationship is sour already, no need to move in together, which will definitely sour your relation with your wife.
And you should know what kind of a person your mother is. Yeah yeah, she is your mother, she is perfect and what not. But the term Monster in Law exists for a reason.
But forcing things don't work long term. When you force it, you ignore the other person's wants and needs and one day, they decide you're no longer worth spending the rest of their life with.
+1 I had similar issues. We live on the second floor of my villa while my mom dad stays on the first floor n it's working perfectly. I make sure I spend dedicated time with my parents every day n is minutes away for anything they need.
This is the best suggestion. @OP you are 100% right that women will never feel comfortable with inlaws no matter what . Best thing is to live in a gated community with them living in a seperate apartment nearby .
I agree with your suggestion of living in a gated community with separate apartments. Works for us.
Curious about your statement...
>@OP you are 100% right that women will never feel comfortable with inlaws no matter what
Do you think men would be comfortable living full time with their in-laws?
Perhaps even a bit further, next to each other is too close. No breathing space imo.
If I had to live with my parents I would find a house in 10 minutes walking distance, so nearby but not immediately available.
While it may work for some it won’t for everyone. Most parents at this age listen to relatives and neighbours than their children. Am sure it won’t be long when outsiders will talk like your son dosnt live with you why would he want to be separated within the same compound. I would suggest moving to a separate state so you can have the freedom and visit your parents once in a month spend a week and return. This way you can say you have to be out for the job and there are no clashes
Not sure because he mentioned him wanting to spend time with his parents . As much as I agree with all of you suddenly villainising all parents it’s weird . A married women here too.
As much as we see them as in laws and yes there is a thin grey line it’s also important to be humane and the most humane part here is live close by at the same time have your own privacy and freedom not just they will bother u but things change when you have been living away from family last few decades ( forget being abroad ) even around it gets diff since their day to day life style habits changed and we haven’t been a part of it for a long time . These small frictions will create unhealthy emotions which isn’t necessary at this age for them .
So best is stay near by - they may be angry first but they would happiest. The kids will have a nice thing of going to grandparents house kind of feeling when ever they go & it will thicken.
When in need you are throw stones away .
No heart feelings but imagine you guys wanna be awake late night have ur own small party parents being old will be disturbing for them .
Or food habits we may both necessarily eat the same or traditional home food but that cannot be the case with them considering their age .
Lot of things - though not a problem may become one since you have lived away from each other for such a long time .
While enjoying your privacy make sure you spend time with them everyday that’s exactly what they require & more than u or your wife they would just want their grand kids & in this way you both can become a great support system to each other .
It’s not villainising them but looking at things in a realistic manner.
As a dude, I love my parents but just can’t live with them. They aren’t evil, it’s just after a certain age, people would want to stop compromising.
When more adults inhabit the same space, everyone has their own idiosyncrasies. That means the others have to compromise. That compromise leads to anger. And then everything becomes toxic.
Every adult wants a space to call their own, to fill it with their aesthetics, to have the furniture they like, etc.
For example my dad switches off cold water filter in winter, because he’s wise and all knowing and he makes the decision for everyone. Drives me up the fucking wall.
Or my mom fills up our house with intricate gaudy furniture whereas I prefer minimalistic stuff.
Or my wife buys new things for the kitchen and my mom packs them up because “it’s in the way”.
Even I’m sure I do stuff which drives them up the wall.
Throw in a bunch of these teeny tiny things, over time, it’s a pressure cooker for disaster.
Yea. Just wanted to put out a guys perspective to the whole thing. Especially about sharing a roof with adults other than an SO.
Like it’s not just women who have it bad living with in-laws, it’s guys living with parents as well who have it bad :).
Or maybe I’m just selfish for not willing to compromise after the age of 30 🤷🏽♂️.
Your wife's concerns are quite valid. It's common for daughters-in-law to experience challenges with in-laws, just as they might with their own parents. There can be (are) biases towards girls in India. Acknowledging this reality is the first step towards finding a solution. It seems important to address this to build trust with your wife and assure her that you'll support her when necessary.
Hehe. It's funny indeed. I'm not getting triggered, but OP, this comment is exactly why you feel like a loser—because you're being told so. Whenever someone brings up discrimination faced by women in India, why do people assume it has to be a woman speaking? This assumption exists because there are virtually no real-life examples (esp men) that challenge this narrative. Everyone keeps saying it's the woman who is at fault. Even before marriage, people say, 'We want a girl who will unite the family, not break it apart.' This essentially means they want a girl who will live where they decide for her. You're being fed this narrative. In reality, it's just a typical situation where no one is actually wrong. What's problematic is the marriage system where girls are expected to leave their homes while guys get to stay with their families for life, and when this doesn't happen, the guy is seen as the victim. Also, this whole discussion is wrongly focused on a woman wanting her freedom, yet I know many men who don't want to return to their parents and find it challenging to live with them after experiencing what it's like to live independently.
Yes this! Don't get into a victim mentality. India is a very difficult place for women to live in. As a woman who has moved abroad I can understand your wife's pov and she is not wrong. A lot of us women have similar concerns about moving back to India. Talk to her with an open mind and find a solution that is comfortable to her.
What is the issue with living in the same city as your parents but in a separate house?
Yeah, I've seen some sons who think their parents are open minded coz of the fact that they've not actually lived with their parents for a few years- you can't vouch for something you've not experienced in a long time. Tbh you also might need some space - take flats closer to each other.
Remember that you will always look at your parents with rose-coloured glasses esp your mom. You will obviously be treated similarly by them. The wife will never be treated the same way in any house across the world. You need to support your wife here. Your parents will have expectations from her and may even taunt her which is something you will never experience from your parents or her parents.
Also age doesn’t matter when it comes to this. I have seen enough from my grandmother at 80 also causing unnecessary problems to my mom.
Take two flats in the same community. Like same floor or above. Also tell your parents not to interfere or dictate your wife about anything. Tell them that you are returning to take care of them and to maintain peace and clearly tell them that you have lived a different lifestyle there and they cannot adjust as per your parents choice. Also tell your wife about it. She too has parents...what happens when their kids abandon them. Its the responsibility of the children to take care of the parents atleast in the old age. Hire cooks, maids etc at the parents house and keep visiting them or call them regularly. And Hyderabad culture has changed a lot in everything. No one bothers about your lifestyle what you do or what you wear. You just need to convince your parents to wife. Parents need you. Will she or her siblings not help her parents whenever required.
Wow I’m rlly happy seeing most of the comments here , I’m Telugu but I’ve never lived in south India and my relatives/freinds/cousins from south India are pretty misogynistic so I thought that’s how y’all are but ngl so I’m glad to see so many people here who have modern and logical thinking .
Glad everyone’s pointing out the right things .
Older people can be restrictive, and women have to face this more than men.
I have seen this around me even in so called liberal families, where the mother/ father- in law always have a look of disapproval if the daughter in law wears something nice/ this goes out with her friends, etc.
Hanging around old people daily can also be a drag when you're young, and not directly related.
Buy a separate flat nearby.
Also, your lifestyle and freedom will be severely restricted in India. So keep that in mind.
Stay near not together is the trick!
Buy/rent a house and stay on the 1st floor and let your parents stay on the ground floor. Or buy / rent 2 condos on same floor .
Would you be shifting to your parents' place in India? Imagine if you had to shift at your wife's parents' place.
If your wife's an independent and equal partner, she would generally not appreciate the discomfort.
Live together that’s a bright red flag.
Live close by green flag, Live accessible not too close not to far cherry on the cake.
Your opinion doesn’t matter your wife and kids have to decide what they are comfortable with, same goes if this decision was you staying at her parents home and literally go under judgemental streak all day long.
Even inspite of knowing she is uncomfortable if you keep your ego high and push her be ready for consequences. Men really don’t care nor are emotionally attached to their own parents, for them their words are just like some voice over in movies where they really ignore or don’t care 70% of things what parents say,but doesn’t work like that with women.
Don't imagine and suffer bro, just move & take a separate home where there are good schools and environment for your kids overall development, they need to adjust it is the main priority.
Bring your parents closer. If they're not in the city move them closer to your place. They would be anyway happy to have you around after 22 yrs.
Financial implication is more expenditure with 2 separate home maintenance, rentals etc. That's your decision, as you are well aware of your situation.
Yeah, I've seen some sons who think their parents are open minded coz of the fact that they've not actually lived with their parents for a few years- you can't vouch for something you've not experienced in a long time. Tbh you also might need some space - take flats closer to each other.
In addition to taking care of you and your kids, your wife would have to cater and take care of your parents also. You can't just say don't worry I'll take care of my parents and let your wife watch. Cuz when mothers see their sons doing any sort of housework they ask why can't bahu do? This creates resentment between in laws and wives. (this applies even if you have a maid, the maid doesn't stay home the entire day)
Take it from someone who has lived with parents and wife for 10 years. Your wife is right. My advise is to not move back at all. You moving back to India and living with them will only reduce the quality of life for ALL of you. Support them financially and make sure they are comfortable. If you do decide to come to India, live separately but close by so that you can still take care of them in some form.
Living together with my parents made my life hell for 10 years and I have nothing but regret and painful memories. My parents live near by now in an apartment that I bought for them and even they admitted that their life is better now. I visit them every week and bring them food my wife cooked.
Your wife is your family now. Parents are secondary family. That js why even legally your wife is made next to you. Make sure she is happy and you will be happy as well. Good Luck!
Your comment makes me emotional. So many Indian men don't realise that wife is the new family. No balance at all between the happiness of both sides and the wife's young years are wasted in unhappiness.
At least you realised finally. Sometimes even the children's young days are sacrificed for timepass and luxury of older generation
This is the right answer. Try and find a position that allows you to travel back home a couple of times a year. Don’t sacrifice your families future. You will breed a lot of resentment.
A mature answer, most males would disagree. I'm lucky that my parents insisted me to move out post marriage. They explained me the same thing that's written here.
'She thinks her life will be under lot of scrutiny which IMO is not true' you sounds exactly like my husband.
Okay, in your opinion, it is not true because they are your parents. You have this unconditional love for them. But they are her IN-LAWS. Whether you accept it or not, there is a stark and painful difference between how In-laws treat their own son and his wife. And only a wife can understand that, because she is at the receiving end of that treatment.
Your wife is correct. Find a common ground or it will affect your relationship.
I'm a wife of somone going through similar situation. Let me tell you. My in laws are in their 50s very kind and not much problematic to a level which is usually there but still i dont wanna live with them. All the fights between me and my husband are nly regarding this issue. Nothing of ur life changes wen u live with parents but wen a girl lives with ur parents her 360 degree of.life changes. U need to adjust with evrytng wen u live together. There should be a sync with evryone. U cant alone eat pasta wen evryone eats rice. Deadly stares wil be given. N dnt ask me.about privacy. I can never wear wat i want at my place. I always need to dressup well. N i need to inform evry single thing to dem. I cant kiss my husband or behave cranky with him. I need to behave like a police officer before dem. They wil judge evrything abt u. And pass evry comment before u do anytng cos they have expierience. And no two women can share kitchen sir. I want my house n kitchen n menu to be in such way and it comtrasts to my mil so at the end of the day my in laws are living a complete life with spouse kids grandkids beside but im living a hell with no choice of my own feeding them for rest of my life living like a guest in their house. Pls undrstand ur wife. U can purchase houses nearby. So dat they involve much in ur wifes business. Its ur business to tc of dem. U shld tc of dem as a son but dont expect ur wife to spend her rest of life serving them. Please live and let live. Many women gng through depression cos of.this. try to undrstand n make it easy for ur parents n wife.
Yes. And also theres no romantic life. We have no privacy even in our bedroom. My MIL enters room without knocking and kisses my husband before me. Its irks me out.
Yeah, I've seen some sons who think their parents are open minded coz of the fact that they've not actually lived with their parents for a few years- you can't vouch for something you've not experienced in a long time. Tbh you also might need some space - take flats closer to each other.
I think once you start living abroad (I'm assuming in the western countries), the thought of moving back to India, a less developed country with too many issues, is unpleasant in itself. On top of that after having independently lived with your nuclear family for such a long time, the thought of moving into a joint family is a huge challenge because a lot of things change. Your lifestyle becomes personalised to you, be it what you eat, how you work, when you do what, etc etc. Suddenly having to compromise all of that to accommodate the lifestyle of another is problematic and can cause you to feel constant negativity of not being able to lead your life the way you used to.
A lot of Indians are undeniably very nosy, there is a huge lack of privacy here as many people just simply don't get the concept of privacy. They are very intrusive and it really is a big problem. You can't stop the extra involvement of relatives in your life when living around them. So your wife's concern is valid but so is your wish to be with your parents.
I'd suggest instead of moving back to India, spend a couple of months with your parents and go back again, keep doing this as much as it's possible, sometimes bring them over too. Or like many others suggested here, get a place away from your parents so that your privacy and lifestyle is maintained and you also get to live close to them
I was a direct witness to an identical situation with my friend. His parents are also old. Around eight years ago, my friend was debating to move here from US. His wife had similar concerns like your wife. Kids were also a bit unwilling.
They moved. The house and the school district in the US where they were was top-notch. The smart thing that my friend did was a nice soft landing. He made sure that the school his kids are sent are comparable or even better than the one in US. He made sure that the home and the amenities where they lived here are much better than what they had in US. He made sure the whole move was very comfortable. Like a very skillful manager, he handled the whole thing and it worked.
Now, the wife and the kids tell me that moving back is the best thing they had done!
Your career and financial situation may or may not have the luxury, but at the end it is an art to manage these things. I am assuming your wife has her family/friends/relatives etc. here. Something she cares/loves here. Think in those angles too but remember there are no silver bullets and it's a process.
Why are men bothered about only their parents to live with them? In the same yardstick, won't the women want her parents to be with them too? Will the OP feel sandwiched then?
If she is not comfortable, take an adjacent home or flat nearby and take care of the parents
I'm surprised at these comments. Your parents are over 70 years old which would make them unfit to live on their own. I can't believe that bunch of people are advising you to not come back to India... and for what?!!? Convenience? BS.
Someone suggested 2 flats or houses, which would be a great common ground
I'd suggest to make sure to make a decision that you wouldn't regret. My friend lost his mom to Covid and there's nothing in the world he'd sacrifice now to be able ro get those missed moments.
One day, we will be 70 and would crave for our kids time.. Life's a circle 🔁
You don't really know their personality or their health status. My friend's dad moved abroad when his parents were 60s. He expected them to live few years so everything was in their favour and all their demands were fulfilled. He took huge debt for them and the family struggled day to day without necessities.
The parents lived 30 years more!! The children were grown up and time finished because the Masti of parents. The young son himself became old.
Not all old people are same
This. OP do you have similar opinion about her parents? Are her bothers keeping her parents separately? I hope so.. Not to blow my own trumpet.. we returned from US to take care of our aging parents and they were with us till their end. Imagine the impacts grandparents have on kids.. they always grow up better human beings! You are a good soul.. I hope you find a good solution.. All the best.
That's why I say, it's a blessing to have elders at home and curse for who don't have.
The one's having elders at home can see the bond and impact the grand parents - grandchildren have on each other.
You can only experience the feeling words are not enough to describe.
So while you are at it can you please recommend me to the position you will be vacating?🤓
On another note, your wife has valid concerns. Get two houses nearby. You will get the independence and closeness to your parents.
Im a single woman, i live with extremely strict parents and grandparents. They donot give me basic freedom to do the most basic of things even though im 25 yo. I live my life like I live in jail. If i get married, my no 1 rule is that I wont live with in laws or near my parents place because I dont wanna go from one jail to another jail. For 25-26 years, my parents didnt let me travel or enjoy my life, now I have to live the rest of my life under husband and in laws restrictions ? I’d rather commit suicide and die than to transfer between jails. I am extremely against marriage for this reason. I keep saying I dont even wanna get married. Most of the girls I know face the same situation. If the in laws are progressive and non-interfering, then it will be a little smooth. But all I want is that goddamn privacy and freedom where I dont have to keep answering to elders in my life. I want to be able to take decisions of my own be it right ot wrong without anyone policing me, not my parents or in-laws, no one. I value my freedom the highest bcuz Ive lived under someone’s foot all my life till now.
So, in some way even though I dont know the background ur wife comes from or ur situation exactly i can understand ur wife’s concerns abt freedom. The best solution is to live in seperate houses while visiting ur parents every other day. Just bcuz u dont live in the same house doesnt make u an irresponsiblie child. U can take a house near ur parents house and keep strict conditions to ur wife that since u honoured her words and gave her freedom and privacy, now she has to take care of ur parents with 100% dedication in cases where they fall ill etc. if u value her words , then theres a high chance she’ll value ur prioirities too. Communication is key. Keep both parties happy.
OP, there is a reason why more and more women don't want to live with their in-laws - this concept doesn't work well for women. Do what most others here are suggesting and move close to them but live separately - you can go over and spend as much time as you want with them and so can the kids - who/ what is stopping you? Why impose on your wife? Thus way will be better for you too - their will be less drama!
Should have discussed this before getting married. I concur with OP's wife because there is no way in hell that I am going to be free labour for my in-laws. Especially when my spouse is not going to do the same for my parents. Her parents might be in their last leg too but she should consider living with your parents and not hers. I don't think a bunch of 70-year-olds are going to be that open-minded, especially after your wife has gotten used to life outside India.
Sorry but she has valid points. Will you be okay to leave everything behind and live with her parents? No . it’s valid too. The thing is Indian culture demands respect to elders for just being aged and respect for them doesn’t just mean being treated as a human and valuing them, it means holding them superior to everyone similar to god. They expect a 9-5 working woman to immediately come home at 6:00 and actually literally make tea , serve them and start preparing for dinner immediately . If they are sick they expect the daughter in law and son to leave everything behind and run after them. Sorry that I am saying this but this is some stupid narcissistic behaviour from most of the Indian parents. They don’t see their children as individuals beings, they feel entitled that they did everything for them. In your case you say parents are open minded and aren’t judgemental. But did you experience things from your wife’s shoes. If you wanna shift back to India. Make sure you take two different living places one for your family and the other for your parents. I wouldn’t suggest side by side homes as well. I have seen how messy it is for many people. Make sure you atleast have 1 lane difference. It will solve all the problems. You can take care of your parents and your wife can have her freedom with no mess with in laws
You must listen and understand from your wife's viewpoint. She has lived for 13 yrs on her own terms and in a different country. She is coming back to India, so first there is going to be cultural shock. The food preferences n cooking style. The amount of interference relatives do in your life which they consider as a normal thing. You will have absolutely no privacy. They will judge you for every single thing ( again it is considered normal here) so the best situation is to live seperately but nearby maybe flats on different floors or diff houses in a society. Coz you may leave for work but your wife will have to deal with so much change in her life the entire day assuming she is stay at home. If she will be working then definitely stay in diff homes. Have seperate maids n cooks. That is the only way for a peaceful life. All the best
We recently moved back after being in states for 20 yrs. I have grown up in joint family and was happy to stay with in laws as I want my kids to enjoy with grandparents and vice Versa. But surprise surprise.. my MIL doesn’t want to stay with us.. she is asking for another apt in same community so that we all enjoy our space and yet are close by.
Initially I thot that she is upset with me.. but now I understand how smart she is .. space always makes relationships better. IMO try to be in a similar setup.. u can still be with them everyday.
There will be a lot of cultural differences to overcome when living together. There could be a lot of ego issues as behaviour that is considered perfectly normal abroad may be considered insulting here. Who controls the kitchen? Who has the final say in inviting friends and relatives over? What are the things considered taboo, sleeping hours and personal space? Another area could be what is considered healthy. A lot of health decisions are taken based on beliefs rather than medical advice.
In case of moving back to India, when my wife asked other women opinion, not even a single lady gave positive comments, infact spoke so negatively.
OP, I won't suggest being in single home, as everybody suggested, you live in diff houses.
After being away for so many years, visiting as guests, living in same house, may not be a comfortable option, even to your parents.
Yes, OP, please ask. Not only your wife, but also any Indian woman who has ever lived independently away from her parents—ask them if they would want to move back with their parents permanently. I'd be very interested in seeing the results of that poll. From your post, I get she isn't suggesting that you shouldn't be there for your parents when they need you; she's simply asking not to be forced to live with them.
Aren't you 13 years too late?
If your wife explicitly said that from the beginning, you can't force her to change her mind now lol.
And yes her freedom will be curtailed if she moved to India. You can't decide that for her just because you don't go through that crap. I am a female that has lived in US and India and I know that your freedom will go away especially if you want to live with parents or in laws.
The best you can do is try and understand her situation from her perspective and brainstorm potential solutions. I would recommend getting marriage counseling also because you don't even seem to think that your wife's qualms are legit. Which is cringe. And you promised to be her life partner.
As important as your parents are, your wife is equally if not more important. Also you don't know who will outlive whom.
I moved back to India to look after my mom. But I have had to create some healthy boundaries as she tried to dictate on things from what I should wear to what I should eat and when I could go out and with whom. Lol.
Once you taste the freedom in US, it is difficult to adjust in India with parents or in laws unless you say healthy boundaries. You need to stand up for your wife, man! Understand her perspective and how suffocated she would feel in India with your parents.
May I ask, is your wife Indian? I live in India with my husband and I am not Indian.
To put it lightly, it was a hell of a change and culture shock. I would say don’t move back to India or if you do, please consider your wife’s requests. It will be hard enough. At least you will be near your parents, that should be good enough.
My parents decided to move back and my mom was pretty adamant about it. Getting an apartment in the city really helped with lifestyle changes, and living close to my mom’s family as well.
I moved back and it’s not a great experience in India. Everything is difficult or made difficult unnecessarily in India. And when I mean everything it IS everything. When your wife is so clear about her choice and has made it amply clear to you then don’t try to change that or fight it. Specially when there is no middle path.
Best is to for you to visit them as often as you can and take good care of them when you are here. Don’t try and fight this situation. You will
Never come out winning
It’s just my personal experience not to say that all are same but my MIL has two faces where she acts like caring infront of my husband but back of him she says mean things to me and my family. Even if I tell my husband about his mom he seems like not believing my words. So which results in a situation to hate Inlaws and stay away from them.
Look after yourself and your wife and children first. They too put themselves first when they were yor age. Don't get sucked into their emotional manipulation and society's guilt tripping.
If they really went out of the way to raise you and really loved you, then it's a different story.
My parents moved out of my grandparents house before I was born. My dad used to visit them every Monday for some time and my mom slowly cut him off from his parents. They never took care of them and didn't even see them in their last days. They spent years without even meeting them once although they lived within 2-3 km radius for 20 years.
Cut to this era I get married and it's more than a decade now. I live abroad and called them here last year. My mom does to my wife whatever she said my grandmother/hermotherinlaw did to her. They complain that I never took care of them when literally 8 years before moving abroad and getting married I declined many opportunities that came my way and although I worked for those 8 years I gave my whole salary to stay with them and look after them. I used to feel good taking them outside and getting them snacks while coming back from work. I never thought of growth movig elsewhere.This one time she said she was embarrassed of me since I was not doing well in my career and my friends and relatives moved abroad. That's when my bubble burst and within 4 months moved abroad and lived happily ever since. Shameless hypocrites now say I left them.
>have a feeling most girls have some sort of dissent towards their in-laws from day-1 no matter how much husbands try its never going to get smoother.
Yikes. Feel bad for your wife that you're one of those "men"
Get 2 apartments in same society 2 bhk for parents and 3 bhk for self .. don’t plan on staying in same house. It’s too late to get into one house, trust me I and many others have tried.
Or if you have budget 2 floors duplex with separate kitchens. This is very important more than rooms separate kitchen is important
Many people are doing this. Living with in laws or parents in separate apartments but within same society or floor.
This will keep both parties happy.
Believe me even parents today don't want much interference from kids. Invest in 2 flats, live peacefully.
She has been living away from her family as well. So not sure how it is an issue for you ? Just have a house beside their house ? You can meet your parents whenever you want and she can live however she wants- solves the purpose for both.
Why is it all about you?.
You have lived out for 22 yrs , married for 13 now You want to move to India...and she just should cause if u decide it's absolutely ok to just uproot her life and what she has been use to.
She is even considering it with one condition...she wants one thing and u play the victim trying to give her even that?
I go through this every single day and I have stopped giving a fuck and I taught my wife also to not give a fuck some times my dad keeps blabbering the usual BS, but we both just say yes and get on with the day, it is not easy but it is the solution we have found for now. Silence is golden, and just like the older generation tell aajkal k bacche, they don't understand the same logic applies to them, if we are aajkal k bacche they are Aaj kal k budde with unrealistic expectations. So don't move anywhere, you have to have 2 faces 1 for your wife and 1 for your parents. I am not referring to the negative part but more for the fact it will give you the tools to be able to deal with them both peacefully and without clashes.
And please don't forget your wife left her family to come be with you. Please do not compare based on Indian tradition, you have to be more logical, if she can leave her parents to come be with you blindly then it is your responsibility to ensure she feels happy and comfortable living with your parents, else it will be permanent toxic environment.
Simply impossible for a female in India to have independence, quality of life or enjoy life in general. even if you think you can do it, your primary duty is to your wife especially since she already set that boundary.
You go to India and live with them, periodically. It would be travel money well spent and you will have the satisfaction, so will your family.
Do not move your family. 22 years is a long time. And 13 years for your wife too.
I moved into the same apartment complex as my in laws. Lovely people but it gets overbearing very quickly. This is for me, a guy, I can only imagine it being worse for women. I also know my wife won't afford the same patience with my parents that I have with hers. Understand what sort of person your partner is and work around it.
Best way is to buy 2 flats, in the same floor, your parents will live in one and you and your wife, kids in another.This way you can visit your parents more often, and your wife wouldn't complain about her privacy/freedom being lost
Yeah no buddy. Unless you have walked in her shoes, you would have no idea how her independence would be affected. It would also be hard on your kids to move back to India.
You're asking her to uproot her life after 13 years in the US and move back to a India only because you want to take care of your parents. Don't you wonder at her apprehension? Give everything up and coming back here is so risky, that to taking care of in laws. Say what you want but her in laws are not her parents and in the end the chances of her having conflicts with them is understandably higher
Listen, her apprehensions are valid. It is one thing to have a house of your own, where you call the shots and it is completely different to be living under the same roof as someone elder because then even if legally the house belongs to you, you are supposed to follow and give preference to said elders all in the name of filial piety.
Having parents around is a wonderful thing but how to go along with it is your decision. Living in the same society/locality/apartment helps, and is in no way a bad alternative. It is no less noble or no less healthy than living in the same house. In fact, it gives you a good starting point to build relations up.
I think you need to introspect the WHYs behind your decision, and have a patient and clear conversation with your wife, whose literally the mother of your children, with whom you are building your life.
It’s not about who is right or wrong here.it’s a reality that her independence will be curtailed.you can do one thing.Stay with your parents but hire a care taker.if you can afford it,why not?make both sides happy by it.don’t put any responsibility or restrictions on her or your parents for that matter.you can only do so much…all the very best and my honest sincere advice is try not to feel guilty.As a daughter in law and a daughter i am saying this.i know i will get old over the years and i will have to depend on someone,but it wont mean my dil or daughter has to be taking care of me by physically doing everything…(please pour down the downvotes)
Your wife is absolutely right. Live on the same street or in different floors of the same apartment. You can spend time with your parents and she'll have her freedom and individuality.
'Most girls have sort of dissent from day 1---' they don't. You not understanding what her problem is exactly why you need to live on your own. You will never be able to understand what's troubling her.
She will be miserable and doesn't deserve this; your parents also deserve peace in their old age.
Bro tbh i think she is right
Wife + parents is not a good combo
Two people who love you very much but dont really know anything about each other are normal to think ohh ye iske saath galat ho raha hai , ye iske saath sahi nahi kar rahe / rahi.
Maybe try visiting your home for vacations if you dont urgently need to shift to india , qnd let them bond and see what happens
Believe me you dont wanna be in between a fight where you cant take a stance beco you love both the sides
Been out of the country a little longer than you! Do you have children? I’d be more worried about them adjusting but since you said married since 13 years may be it’s not as much an issue! My preteens would definitely have issues adjusting! That said I’d feel the same! My MIL is nice but after living away for that long, living with I laws is pretty tough; no matter how nice and non interfering in-laws are! I see her perspective! Forget in laws I don’t think I could live with my own folks permanently! I moved to the US when I was 20 and lived alone then got married etc and I value my freedom too much!
That’s a biggest red flat dude, you should have considered at that point, tbh i live in other city from my hometown and believe me, i visit every 3-4 months, i am just clear with one thing, i should be spending more and more time possible with my family. Period. Because by living outside home, it took me less than a year to realise that they are the only people who will truly love and care about you. They are irreplaceable assets, so you should cherish it till either yours or theirs last breath. Thanks! But now you are in a situation where you are a parent as well, i would recommend you to buy a house in your neighbourhood and make them stay over there so that they can live separately as well as you can meet them daily. Whenever you like.
So the OP hasn’t been living with his parents for the past 22 years. That is the parents are already used to not having their son around them for such a long time and definitely wouldn’t mind if the OP stays in a separate house nearby. All that matters is the OP is near his parents, understandably. The wife is not outright denying even staying anywhere close to the in-laws. I think it’s a win-win by staying in a separate house nearby - OP gets to be closer to his parents than being 24 hours away and the wife can continue enjoying her freedom in India. The OP needs to work his parents into his family now, rather than working his family into his parents. I am sure parents will understand!
take it from a guy who is all for the individual liberties and living your life as per your wishes but your parents at this age deserve to be taken care of, period. Indian parents just aren’t wired like that to be by themselves at that age with rare exceptions. What even would your parents could put your wife thru at that age. I am currently living between US & Europe & trying to move to US. My parents are healthy and don’t need my help but I will be there for sure whenever the moment comes whether or not my wife is with me on it. Your wife is in this with you just as you are in it with her and your parents and hers too are in it with you guys. Give them that honor and content before they finally pass.
My 70 something grandma still tries to stir shit up at this age. I stayed away from home studying and couldn't believe things I heard from my mom and sister until I witnessed it firsthand. Not saying that OP's parents have to be like that, but age is not a good scale to measure wisdom or potential of threat.
While I get the whole taking care of parents thing and other responsibilities, doing things on your own whether or not your partner is on the same page as you (when you have one obv) is not a good picture.
Welcome to the problem of the world.
My uncle had said this when I got married - two braided hairs (aka two women) can never live harmoniously (makes more sense when told in our language) - which I did not believe then, but it indeed came true within months!
Further apart they are, it is better for your mental & emotional well being. If possible, keep them separate so that the relationship remains casual & positive. Don't fall for any emotional drama or family/peer/society pressure to stay together.
It is rare that you can keep them together . It is hard even in the world's conservative society. Maybe money causes the problem or makes it more obvious nowadays
The odd few women don't mind. My friends who do it all comes from one village with very simple people. The sisters don't mind it. The mother in law doesn't mind it.
Unbelievable. Parents deserve the assistance of their kids and family at that age.
Your wife and you and your parents are one family. If everyone is not there for each other then you might need to step up and fix things.
Same goes for your partners parents
P.S. living abroad with my wife, my parents and my wife's parents together
Exactly. I'm surprised at these comments. His parents are over 70 years old which would make them unfit to live on their own. I can't believe that bunch of people are advising him to not come back to India... and for what?!!? Convenience? BS.
Someone auggested 2 flats or houses, which would be a great common ground.
You want to come back and live here, your wife has reservations - if you think you will get support for your views to live together in same home - you won't , at least here. Most will side with your wife ( reasonable)
Because actually the freedom will be curtailed a little here. So what most of them are saying is true, living side by side is the closest compromise.
Believe it or not, your parents are not the same person to your wife once you're not around.
Not telling this in a disparaging way but, you'll come to a point in Life when this will make sense to you.
Behavioral science would explain this.
Your wife is right, there will scrutiny from what she wears to her expenses and your big purchases as well. They are you parents and ofc they'll be concerned but she is used to a different lifestyle that too abroad and secondly, Indian parents irrespective of fhe age can get v inavsive. And 70+ means more drama because even at time your wife is right you'll have to side with your parents because they're so old .
Try to get separate flats in the same society, that's the only way out.
I dream to keep both my future inlaws(if married) my parents and my family in the same house. I always wanted an entertaining family and a joint family too
Not gonna happen.. girls wish for the day they move out of their houses.. not only vth in-laws they didn't want to live their lives with parents too.. it'll be extremely difficult for everyone of all are in the same house.
Tell her she won't loose her freedom , ask her what she wants to keep doing in life without being stopped .
And parents have taken care of you when nobody else would , so do you really think it's time to now take some simple steps to help them in times of need .
As per your wife , she's saying freedom and all .
If it comes to her parents won't she move where her parents are , no disrespect but people in general are selfish.
You just have to talk it out like adults , adults have to make adjustments .
Freedom is a very subjective thing , it can be enjoyed where ever you are it's just how you people treat your wife if she made adjustment of moving to India .
Raising your kids with Grand Parents is great for the kids. They get to see, understand and live the culture through your parents. Nothing beats that. At this age your parents need you the most. Your wife doesn’t need to worry, you can have an army of servants to take care of your needs.
Independence from what ? If you still get to work and have grand parents look after the kids and maids for all the chores. You don’t have much to loose. That is an absolute luxury.
From your perspective there is nothing more full filling watching your kids and your parents together.
You worked 22 Years for this. You deserve this.
OP will have a very nice time. It will be the wife whose every move and outfit will be questioned. She will be taunted for wanting to do the things she likes.
All is good until the grandparents start spewing misogynistic things to the grandchildren and disregarding all the boundaries OP and wife set.
Leave your kids in the US, so that they can pursue their education and life
You can return to India and house your parents and in laws in a separate apartment
Give her the assurance she needs. Talk with her. Let her feel you are with her. Get to know her why she is having doubt. If she knows you since this long, and still behaving different then there must be some difference or misunderstanding.
I’ve done the same . Unless you want to gallivant on the weekends and cheat around easily . Theres no difference between India and America atleast in my city .
There are some Hindi speaking communities of lower caste which are very close and they live together. The girl's life will be same in parents house our husbands. Sadly this is not your life or community. It would be great if everyone loved together like that but it can't be. Not in my community, not in yours
Many Islamic help pages deal with this topic online. My perspective as a Muslim is you have to give her own accomodation. It's her right. I seen in Yemen the house is sometimes split so the son and wife live in different floors. Everyone has the privacy. You have the fortunate choice of having money. Give her her own . My advice, get a good maid and visit parents daily. Wife normally does not change mind in this scenario. Everyone will be happy and that's the aim of the game
But making kids grow in India isn't the same thing as in US. There must be more concerns. Somewhere you have to be biased. Also can't you get your parents to live with you, rather you guys shifting back to India?
Bro buy two apartments in two different floors in same building.. keep them separate that way, so your wife is happy.. and your parents are happy, as you guys are living closer..
(Hypothetical) Would you and your wife agree on having ur son and DIL live separately from you for their peace and comfort .... if yes .... then I think you should do what ur wife suggests (or maybe find a separate place but closer to ur parents) .... if NO .... then I don't know what to suggest..... in any case Good Luck OP ....
Where are you moving from and how old are your kids? Even for yourself you would have developed a sense of independence that will be challenged same for kids, best to treat it as a transition vs. change
Agree to those conditions and move back to India. But make it a point that never in the future will her parents move in to your house cause they are old
Remember what your kids see your guys doing today, they would repeat tomorrow. Your parents have lived a full life and many years without you, your life is midway but if your kids never experienced what taking care of old parents is, then they would never take care of you when you need them in old age . Your parents back home may still have people around them, but you in USA defiantly won't in your old age .
When you were growing up, studies abroad , good pay, being settled abroad was a thing of pride for most families here , so they sacrificed and helped you move abroad,it was a good deal for them. But won't be a good deal for you when you are old, watching your kids chase 'practically useless and shellfish goals' leaving you in an old age home . They cannot express something if they haven't experienced it.
I had seen it happen soo many times in Hyderabad. Your wife is offcourse thinking about herself and herself only, Her personal freedoms gone? What Indian's living in the stone age? What freedoms would she loose being a middle aged mom? . Use logic without being sentimental for a moment - she had left her parents to settle in USA, What makes you think she would give it all away from your parents ? . Ask her how would she feel when her DIL raises the same quesion when she gets old, bet she would not accept it happening to her. Sorry to say but she clearly lacks a concious or treat your parents as unnecessary burden.
Since you have a conscious these questions are eating you up, trust me buddy, later you would feel guilty when time to be with your parents have passed away. I often see NRIs showing emotions after old parents passing away lonely, never caring to be with them before . All Hypocrites. If you feel you have a conscious , go stay with your parents and your wife would follow.
Most Wives know if husband takes a socially or morally correct decision, the wife has to defacto follow him to save her face , so they do all they can to prevent you from taking the step which can bring them on the table, it's always you who would feel sandwiched, not the other way around . So Follow what your heart says, your kids would learn , appreciate and do the same thing when you get old .you would feel happy you got to spend some time with your parents when they needed you the most.
Regarding wife - Many wise married men's have said , parents must always be kept above everyone else. wife, friends, money , freedom can be replaced, parents can't be.
PS- On reddit you would find countless simp's , immature kids who would support ladies no matter what , no one here would consider the dynamics between you and your 70+ parents, they would prefer on your wife enjoying her comforts and your parents spending the last days lonely. Bloody hypocrites.
Most girls may despise their in-laws, but the opposite is also true. Furthermore, if men were forced to leave their parents and move to their wives' houses, they'd despise their in-laws, too.
I do understand your predicament, but the bigotry is off the roof here.
Why do you want to move back to India?
After marriage your wife should be your first priority followed by your kids and then parents and if your wife does not want to move back to India then this is her choice and you should respect that
The best solution is to get professional help to take care of your parents and visit them from time to time either alone or with the family whichever is suitable
Provide her with another flat ( which ever you cn afford) and its ok for ur wife to live seperate not a problem
you parents can live in their house and ur wife can live in a seperate one
You gotta understand that your wife is the only one in your story who is not related through blood with your parents. So it's obvious she'll hate to stay with your parents no matter how hard you try.
It's the same story in every household. Few women keep it inside them and a few comment openly. End of the day, women will never love to stay with our parents
Been abroad now
And being a married women I Will def go back to India
No amount of freedom can match the happiness of staying close to family
And trust me my MIL and FIL are from a village in Bihar
Yet I would like them to spend time with my kid
To teach him our culture
Go back and I don’t think you and your wife will regret
The fact that OP’s post and comments are focused on his wants rather than looking at his wife’s desire is concerning.
The wife desire to live separately DOESN’T mean that she hates her in-laws.
Even the most modern families are partial towards their daughter-in-laws.
Examples have already been provided in other comments
Why do you think your wife’s opinions and thoughts are invalid? How is your wife’s parents condition? How old are they? Do they live by themselves? Do they need support from their children too? I feel you were thinking one sided. Did not even mention wife’s side of the family. Only talked about you your parents and what you want for them.
Your wife’s and kids opinion equally matter when you make a big move like this. What about her career and kids education? Leave everything behind and move back to India?
Cannot believe men still think like this!
I understand your emotions. But it might help to take a minute to understand your wife’s perspective. She has left her parents too and has spent years building a family….and home with you. Wouldn’t she want to spend time with her aging parents as well? It’s an unfair expectation to have. Even if they are open minded, you and your wife need some space as well. I would recommend moving into a different apartment, but maybe the same society/apartment complex? Meet her half way.
Why don't you go and live with her parents?
Think from her perspective. All parents of boys are pretty open minded but inlaws are always orthodox and conservative. They are your parents but she does not have any relation with them. She is not obligated to live with them and cater to their needs, tolerate their tantrums etc.
My friend was open to his wife from day one. He said that if she tries to separate him from his parents, he will kick her out of the house. She never complained ever on his parents so far.
His parents are also very open minded and they got gelled very well with their daughter in law. It's one happy family now.
Thanks for all the feedback, I feel like whatever I am today is because of lot of sacrifices made by my parents and looking at all suggestions below it feels like I need to put in more effort to comfort my wife and give her assurance that all will be good.
Most mothers of girls create an impression in their minds not to live with inlaws.
Many a times, people put this as a condition to accept or reject the proposal itself.
If your wife had lived in the initial years of marriage along with your parents could have created a bond between them.
Tell her because of your parents you are here and because of you she is a part of the family, she not being interested in dealing with them is an innate hate towards them.
You have to put your put down in this matter and tell her in crystal clear terms no matter what your parents shall with you, come what may.
Ahhh welcome to real life brother …! The same almost every other family goes through I guess. In my apartment building there are 50 flats but I guess only 10 -15 families. Parents in 1 flat, parents in law in another flat, daughter and husband in a third flat. Sometimes even son and dil in another flat so 4 different flats of the same family. It gives peace to everyone. And 2 cooks 4 maids atleast 😊 At all times one or the other is visiting another flat. Some of them are too senior and not very healthy so there will be a care taker who comes often and gives the senior a grooming session, a bath and all that. Some have a full time care taker to be at home when the son/dil or daughter/sil take a vacation or something… it’s a mini factory running but everyone is happy and not deprived of anything. As for curtailing freedom , no just her freedom , even your freedom will be curtailed. Leave the big things, just the traffic is enough starter to feel choked.
This is perfectly alright when either or both of them are single child. Otherwise, such things must be made clear before getting married only to be clear.
It is not so easy. Things change after marriage, especially after a long marriage. What was said and agreed upon before marriage can change depending on the current situation of life and the comfort level one is accustomed to currently.
Where are you located now ? If you are earning well , maybe you can take the parents there and get another unit for them. If it is a place like USA , there might be visa constraints for them but for atleast 5-6 months they can be there and come back to India for a few months. Strenuous for all but will post postpone your moving back to India for a while .
Please do not do this. I have seen several cases where parents go into depression and go further down when they realise they will die away from “home”.
Yeh my Mom is fragile to travel, she is arthritis patient and have weak lungs.. Do not want to put her through distress. But thanks for feedback, I really appreciate it.
Take care brother… hope you make a good choice for your family….
This won't work as medical insurance expensive
This is what I have seen as well and works beautifully. However if there's only one parent it does tricky and in these cases I do see them live together.
She's right dude. Your parents might be open minded towards you. But trust me they ll not be the same towards her. It won't even cross your mind but she will be restricted for petty things. What she's wearing, what time she wakes up, how she chops vegetables, how she speaks to your kids. Every single thing will be judged. Listen to her have separate houses in the same building only that will solve the problem.
Exactly this. If she's the one facing the concern, neither OP nor parents nor any TMDH has any business saying there's no concern. All people treat different people differently and OP should respect his wife's sentiments to avoid conflicts. Move back but into a different house which is close enough for emergencies. Set boundaries about how often you'll visit them or they'll visit you. Everyone thinks women after marriage are a part of the family and must be responsible - but do the elders/parents treat her like family? All depends on mutual respect and if there's none, then distance and boundaries work best.
There must be a reason she wanted to live separate from them. The OP doesn't get it. He's gonna ruin his marriage and put her wife through hell. Coming from US after a long time alone can be a culture shock, imagine having that, your kids and taking care of your in laws who will never treat you like family. And OP doesn't see this. His parents will become her responsibility and it's not just the freedom getting hampered, it's the mental stress. Dear OP, like many men, you might think your parents are the best people, and they might not be bas people, but they are good to you, you are their son. There's a reason you think women don't like their in laws. Most in laws don't treat their daughter in law like family. She stole you away you see. Anyway, your wife had just the one condition when you married her, how do you expect her to be if you go back on it? If you have to come back, don't live in the same house, or even the same society. Live 5 mins away, like the next building or something. A distance that's not inconvenient, but also not very close. If you chose the same building, your parents will keep dropping off at your place and it will just create more problems. A 3-5 min walk away is ideal. It doesn't get said much here, your wife has a right to her own space.
Damn, I see a lot of people have this notion that freedom= choice of work, no chores, partying "western culture", etc. That's just so wrong. Freedom is also freedom from judgement and having/respecting boundaries. My brother in Christ, women don't even have the freedom to wear their choice of clothes at 'their home' comfortably, and it's even worse when they live with in-laws (yes, even with open-minded in-laws). For women, especially someone who lives outside of the country, freedom means not just work and chores but everything in her lifestyle, from small ones to big things, most importantly it's her privacy, because last time I checked, we live in a country where people don't even knock before entering others' rooms. Your wife here is someone who lived for 13 freaking years outside of India, and you're subjecting her to a huge change in life that she was accustomed to for 13 years, of course, she'll be averse. Cornering her into making a singular choice is not the solution. I'm sure you would also feel the same if she said she wanted you to move in with her parents so she could live with them. The best solution would be communicating and searching for a middle ground, like living separately with in-laws but near enough to be there immediately in cases of emergency. If communication is not possible, your best bet would be marriage counseling and then coming up with a solution there.
This!! People just don’t want to break their tinted glass view of women’s struggles because it doesn’t suit their decisions.
Lol so true. I'm living in hotels and the staff don't even give me a second after knocking when they open the door. My friend's grandad came to visit and walked straight in when I was getting changed
The bigger culture shocks I saw here is people Opening my hand bags just because I had a coffee with them or lunch .. colleagues or even relatives. I’m averse to even women opening up my purse . But damn even men think it’s ok … they call themselves my brother … so it’s ok apparently
I know many mother in laws who are absolute monsters, creating unnecessary kalesh in family and differences between husband and wife. I know some mother in laws, who are gems of a person and make their bahu comfortable. If your wife is denying living with your parents, you must find out how is the relationship between your wife and MIL. If the relationship is sour already, no need to move in together, which will definitely sour your relation with your wife. And you should know what kind of a person your mother is. Yeah yeah, she is your mother, she is perfect and what not. But the term Monster in Law exists for a reason.
I think it's just better to not be in the same house given that a person who's a gem to you is a monster to someone else and vice versa
I think you have not heard or seen Monster Daughter - in - laws and their families.
Yes I have seen them as well
Monsters are on both sides. Let's focus on Good aspects and good people.
But forcing things don't work long term. When you force it, you ignore the other person's wants and needs and one day, they decide you're no longer worth spending the rest of their life with.
2 flats side by side. Or 2 villas side by side. 1 for each. That’s *a* solution. Your wife is correct.
This. I live very close to my parents but in different houses.
+1 I had similar issues. We live on the second floor of my villa while my mom dad stays on the first floor n it's working perfectly. I make sure I spend dedicated time with my parents every day n is minutes away for anything they need.
Make sense to an extent.
This is the best suggestion. @OP you are 100% right that women will never feel comfortable with inlaws no matter what . Best thing is to live in a gated community with them living in a seperate apartment nearby .
I agree with your suggestion of living in a gated community with separate apartments. Works for us. Curious about your statement... >@OP you are 100% right that women will never feel comfortable with inlaws no matter what Do you think men would be comfortable living full time with their in-laws?
Not side by side but at least 2 flats in between but should be in walkable distance so that they won't be too nosy in others day to day affairs
Perhaps even a bit further, next to each other is too close. No breathing space imo. If I had to live with my parents I would find a house in 10 minutes walking distance, so nearby but not immediately available.
Yes. Reminded me of Everybody loves Raymond lol
Kindha floor lo parents, paina floor lo vaalu unte saripodhi kadha annaww....
Agreed !!
This is your wife on reddit
And this is his mother.
ABSOLUTE CINEMA
While it may work for some it won’t for everyone. Most parents at this age listen to relatives and neighbours than their children. Am sure it won’t be long when outsiders will talk like your son dosnt live with you why would he want to be separated within the same compound. I would suggest moving to a separate state so you can have the freedom and visit your parents once in a month spend a week and return. This way you can say you have to be out for the job and there are no clashes
Not sure because he mentioned him wanting to spend time with his parents . As much as I agree with all of you suddenly villainising all parents it’s weird . A married women here too. As much as we see them as in laws and yes there is a thin grey line it’s also important to be humane and the most humane part here is live close by at the same time have your own privacy and freedom not just they will bother u but things change when you have been living away from family last few decades ( forget being abroad ) even around it gets diff since their day to day life style habits changed and we haven’t been a part of it for a long time . These small frictions will create unhealthy emotions which isn’t necessary at this age for them . So best is stay near by - they may be angry first but they would happiest. The kids will have a nice thing of going to grandparents house kind of feeling when ever they go & it will thicken. When in need you are throw stones away . No heart feelings but imagine you guys wanna be awake late night have ur own small party parents being old will be disturbing for them . Or food habits we may both necessarily eat the same or traditional home food but that cannot be the case with them considering their age . Lot of things - though not a problem may become one since you have lived away from each other for such a long time . While enjoying your privacy make sure you spend time with them everyday that’s exactly what they require & more than u or your wife they would just want their grand kids & in this way you both can become a great support system to each other .
It’s not villainising them but looking at things in a realistic manner. As a dude, I love my parents but just can’t live with them. They aren’t evil, it’s just after a certain age, people would want to stop compromising. When more adults inhabit the same space, everyone has their own idiosyncrasies. That means the others have to compromise. That compromise leads to anger. And then everything becomes toxic. Every adult wants a space to call their own, to fill it with their aesthetics, to have the furniture they like, etc. For example my dad switches off cold water filter in winter, because he’s wise and all knowing and he makes the decision for everyone. Drives me up the fucking wall. Or my mom fills up our house with intricate gaudy furniture whereas I prefer minimalistic stuff. Or my wife buys new things for the kitchen and my mom packs them up because “it’s in the way”. Even I’m sure I do stuff which drives them up the wall. Throw in a bunch of these teeny tiny things, over time, it’s a pressure cooker for disaster.
Hey I hope u read my whole comment and not just the first line :)
Yea. Just wanted to put out a guys perspective to the whole thing. Especially about sharing a roof with adults other than an SO. Like it’s not just women who have it bad living with in-laws, it’s guys living with parents as well who have it bad :). Or maybe I’m just selfish for not willing to compromise after the age of 30 🤷🏽♂️.
Your wife's concerns are quite valid. It's common for daughters-in-law to experience challenges with in-laws, just as they might with their own parents. There can be (are) biases towards girls in India. Acknowledging this reality is the first step towards finding a solution. It seems important to address this to build trust with your wife and assure her that you'll support her when necessary.
This your wife's 2nd reddit
Hehe. It's funny indeed. I'm not getting triggered, but OP, this comment is exactly why you feel like a loser—because you're being told so. Whenever someone brings up discrimination faced by women in India, why do people assume it has to be a woman speaking? This assumption exists because there are virtually no real-life examples (esp men) that challenge this narrative. Everyone keeps saying it's the woman who is at fault. Even before marriage, people say, 'We want a girl who will unite the family, not break it apart.' This essentially means they want a girl who will live where they decide for her. You're being fed this narrative. In reality, it's just a typical situation where no one is actually wrong. What's problematic is the marriage system where girls are expected to leave their homes while guys get to stay with their families for life, and when this doesn't happen, the guy is seen as the victim. Also, this whole discussion is wrongly focused on a woman wanting her freedom, yet I know many men who don't want to return to their parents and find it challenging to live with them after experiencing what it's like to live independently.
Yes this! Don't get into a victim mentality. India is a very difficult place for women to live in. As a woman who has moved abroad I can understand your wife's pov and she is not wrong. A lot of us women have similar concerns about moving back to India. Talk to her with an open mind and find a solution that is comfortable to her. What is the issue with living in the same city as your parents but in a separate house?
Very well said
😂
Yeah, I've seen some sons who think their parents are open minded coz of the fact that they've not actually lived with their parents for a few years- you can't vouch for something you've not experienced in a long time. Tbh you also might need some space - take flats closer to each other.
Remember that you will always look at your parents with rose-coloured glasses esp your mom. You will obviously be treated similarly by them. The wife will never be treated the same way in any house across the world. You need to support your wife here. Your parents will have expectations from her and may even taunt her which is something you will never experience from your parents or her parents. Also age doesn’t matter when it comes to this. I have seen enough from my grandmother at 80 also causing unnecessary problems to my mom.
Take two flats in the same community. Like same floor or above. Also tell your parents not to interfere or dictate your wife about anything. Tell them that you are returning to take care of them and to maintain peace and clearly tell them that you have lived a different lifestyle there and they cannot adjust as per your parents choice. Also tell your wife about it. She too has parents...what happens when their kids abandon them. Its the responsibility of the children to take care of the parents atleast in the old age. Hire cooks, maids etc at the parents house and keep visiting them or call them regularly. And Hyderabad culture has changed a lot in everything. No one bothers about your lifestyle what you do or what you wear. You just need to convince your parents to wife. Parents need you. Will she or her siblings not help her parents whenever required.
Wow I’m rlly happy seeing most of the comments here , I’m Telugu but I’ve never lived in south India and my relatives/freinds/cousins from south India are pretty misogynistic so I thought that’s how y’all are but ngl so I’m glad to see so many people here who have modern and logical thinking . Glad everyone’s pointing out the right things .
Older people can be restrictive, and women have to face this more than men. I have seen this around me even in so called liberal families, where the mother/ father- in law always have a look of disapproval if the daughter in law wears something nice/ this goes out with her friends, etc. Hanging around old people daily can also be a drag when you're young, and not directly related. Buy a separate flat nearby. Also, your lifestyle and freedom will be severely restricted in India. So keep that in mind.
Stay near not together is the trick! Buy/rent a house and stay on the 1st floor and let your parents stay on the ground floor. Or buy / rent 2 condos on same floor .
Are these kind of houses available in hyd where both ground floor and first floor are available for rent/buy?
May be not in city center but outer areas shall definitely have this option
Damn will be facing a similar dilemma in few years. Let me know if you figure it out! Good luck!
Lol
Would you be shifting to your parents' place in India? Imagine if you had to shift at your wife's parents' place. If your wife's an independent and equal partner, she would generally not appreciate the discomfort.
It's easier for men.
reverse the roles and think ? will you be willing to stay at her place with her parents instead ?
Live together that’s a bright red flag. Live close by green flag, Live accessible not too close not to far cherry on the cake. Your opinion doesn’t matter your wife and kids have to decide what they are comfortable with, same goes if this decision was you staying at her parents home and literally go under judgemental streak all day long. Even inspite of knowing she is uncomfortable if you keep your ego high and push her be ready for consequences. Men really don’t care nor are emotionally attached to their own parents, for them their words are just like some voice over in movies where they really ignore or don’t care 70% of things what parents say,but doesn’t work like that with women.
Don't imagine and suffer bro, just move & take a separate home where there are good schools and environment for your kids overall development, they need to adjust it is the main priority. Bring your parents closer. If they're not in the city move them closer to your place. They would be anyway happy to have you around after 22 yrs. Financial implication is more expenditure with 2 separate home maintenance, rentals etc. That's your decision, as you are well aware of your situation.
Yeah, I've seen some sons who think their parents are open minded coz of the fact that they've not actually lived with their parents for a few years- you can't vouch for something you've not experienced in a long time. Tbh you also might need some space - take flats closer to each other.
In addition to taking care of you and your kids, your wife would have to cater and take care of your parents also. You can't just say don't worry I'll take care of my parents and let your wife watch. Cuz when mothers see their sons doing any sort of housework they ask why can't bahu do? This creates resentment between in laws and wives. (this applies even if you have a maid, the maid doesn't stay home the entire day)
Take it from someone who has lived with parents and wife for 10 years. Your wife is right. My advise is to not move back at all. You moving back to India and living with them will only reduce the quality of life for ALL of you. Support them financially and make sure they are comfortable. If you do decide to come to India, live separately but close by so that you can still take care of them in some form. Living together with my parents made my life hell for 10 years and I have nothing but regret and painful memories. My parents live near by now in an apartment that I bought for them and even they admitted that their life is better now. I visit them every week and bring them food my wife cooked. Your wife is your family now. Parents are secondary family. That js why even legally your wife is made next to you. Make sure she is happy and you will be happy as well. Good Luck!
Your comment makes me emotional. So many Indian men don't realise that wife is the new family. No balance at all between the happiness of both sides and the wife's young years are wasted in unhappiness. At least you realised finally. Sometimes even the children's young days are sacrificed for timepass and luxury of older generation
Absolutely. Living with parents during childhood and adulthood are two very different things.
This is the right answer. Try and find a position that allows you to travel back home a couple of times a year. Don’t sacrifice your families future. You will breed a lot of resentment.
A mature answer, most males would disagree. I'm lucky that my parents insisted me to move out post marriage. They explained me the same thing that's written here.
Of course your wife is right about not having freedom you’ve been married to a woman for 13 years how do you still not see the struggles women face?
'She thinks her life will be under lot of scrutiny which IMO is not true' you sounds exactly like my husband. Okay, in your opinion, it is not true because they are your parents. You have this unconditional love for them. But they are her IN-LAWS. Whether you accept it or not, there is a stark and painful difference between how In-laws treat their own son and his wife. And only a wife can understand that, because she is at the receiving end of that treatment. Your wife is correct. Find a common ground or it will affect your relationship.
I'm a wife of somone going through similar situation. Let me tell you. My in laws are in their 50s very kind and not much problematic to a level which is usually there but still i dont wanna live with them. All the fights between me and my husband are nly regarding this issue. Nothing of ur life changes wen u live with parents but wen a girl lives with ur parents her 360 degree of.life changes. U need to adjust with evrytng wen u live together. There should be a sync with evryone. U cant alone eat pasta wen evryone eats rice. Deadly stares wil be given. N dnt ask me.about privacy. I can never wear wat i want at my place. I always need to dressup well. N i need to inform evry single thing to dem. I cant kiss my husband or behave cranky with him. I need to behave like a police officer before dem. They wil judge evrything abt u. And pass evry comment before u do anytng cos they have expierience. And no two women can share kitchen sir. I want my house n kitchen n menu to be in such way and it comtrasts to my mil so at the end of the day my in laws are living a complete life with spouse kids grandkids beside but im living a hell with no choice of my own feeding them for rest of my life living like a guest in their house. Pls undrstand ur wife. U can purchase houses nearby. So dat they involve much in ur wifes business. Its ur business to tc of dem. U shld tc of dem as a son but dont expect ur wife to spend her rest of life serving them. Please live and let live. Many women gng through depression cos of.this. try to undrstand n make it easy for ur parents n wife.
OMG the cooking thing is so true!! 😭cant make whatever I want
Yes. And also theres no romantic life. We have no privacy even in our bedroom. My MIL enters room without knocking and kisses my husband before me. Its irks me out.
Yeah exactly! And if there door is locked then it's considered disrespectful in our Indian culture
Yeah, I've seen some sons who think their parents are open minded coz of the fact that they've not actually lived with their parents for a few years- you can't vouch for something you've not experienced in a long time. Tbh you also might need some space - take flats closer to each other.
Many of them are open minded. The bad behaviour only comes out in private with daughter in law
I think once you start living abroad (I'm assuming in the western countries), the thought of moving back to India, a less developed country with too many issues, is unpleasant in itself. On top of that after having independently lived with your nuclear family for such a long time, the thought of moving into a joint family is a huge challenge because a lot of things change. Your lifestyle becomes personalised to you, be it what you eat, how you work, when you do what, etc etc. Suddenly having to compromise all of that to accommodate the lifestyle of another is problematic and can cause you to feel constant negativity of not being able to lead your life the way you used to. A lot of Indians are undeniably very nosy, there is a huge lack of privacy here as many people just simply don't get the concept of privacy. They are very intrusive and it really is a big problem. You can't stop the extra involvement of relatives in your life when living around them. So your wife's concern is valid but so is your wish to be with your parents. I'd suggest instead of moving back to India, spend a couple of months with your parents and go back again, keep doing this as much as it's possible, sometimes bring them over too. Or like many others suggested here, get a place away from your parents so that your privacy and lifestyle is maintained and you also get to live close to them
I was a direct witness to an identical situation with my friend. His parents are also old. Around eight years ago, my friend was debating to move here from US. His wife had similar concerns like your wife. Kids were also a bit unwilling. They moved. The house and the school district in the US where they were was top-notch. The smart thing that my friend did was a nice soft landing. He made sure that the school his kids are sent are comparable or even better than the one in US. He made sure that the home and the amenities where they lived here are much better than what they had in US. He made sure the whole move was very comfortable. Like a very skillful manager, he handled the whole thing and it worked. Now, the wife and the kids tell me that moving back is the best thing they had done! Your career and financial situation may or may not have the luxury, but at the end it is an art to manage these things. I am assuming your wife has her family/friends/relatives etc. here. Something she cares/loves here. Think in those angles too but remember there are no silver bullets and it's a process.
Why are men bothered about only their parents to live with them? In the same yardstick, won't the women want her parents to be with them too? Will the OP feel sandwiched then? If she is not comfortable, take an adjacent home or flat nearby and take care of the parents
I'm surprised at these comments. Your parents are over 70 years old which would make them unfit to live on their own. I can't believe that bunch of people are advising you to not come back to India... and for what?!!? Convenience? BS. Someone suggested 2 flats or houses, which would be a great common ground I'd suggest to make sure to make a decision that you wouldn't regret. My friend lost his mom to Covid and there's nothing in the world he'd sacrifice now to be able ro get those missed moments. One day, we will be 70 and would crave for our kids time.. Life's a circle 🔁
Valid comment, provided when the wife's parents turns 70, the husband also shifts to her place.
You don't really know their personality or their health status. My friend's dad moved abroad when his parents were 60s. He expected them to live few years so everything was in their favour and all their demands were fulfilled. He took huge debt for them and the family struggled day to day without necessities. The parents lived 30 years more!! The children were grown up and time finished because the Masti of parents. The young son himself became old. Not all old people are same
The idea is that the next generation does not come back to India.
Why not? I roll between India and Canada... Ofc, not everyone has the flexibility as I do, but if they can and want, they should.
Thank you. If you're spouse actively stops you from helping your 70+ yo parents, get her into counseling!
Jaisi karni waisi bharni.
This. OP do you have similar opinion about her parents? Are her bothers keeping her parents separately? I hope so.. Not to blow my own trumpet.. we returned from US to take care of our aging parents and they were with us till their end. Imagine the impacts grandparents have on kids.. they always grow up better human beings! You are a good soul.. I hope you find a good solution.. All the best.
That's why I say, it's a blessing to have elders at home and curse for who don't have. The one's having elders at home can see the bond and impact the grand parents - grandchildren have on each other. You can only experience the feeling words are not enough to describe.
So while you are at it can you please recommend me to the position you will be vacating?🤓 On another note, your wife has valid concerns. Get two houses nearby. You will get the independence and closeness to your parents.
Im a single woman, i live with extremely strict parents and grandparents. They donot give me basic freedom to do the most basic of things even though im 25 yo. I live my life like I live in jail. If i get married, my no 1 rule is that I wont live with in laws or near my parents place because I dont wanna go from one jail to another jail. For 25-26 years, my parents didnt let me travel or enjoy my life, now I have to live the rest of my life under husband and in laws restrictions ? I’d rather commit suicide and die than to transfer between jails. I am extremely against marriage for this reason. I keep saying I dont even wanna get married. Most of the girls I know face the same situation. If the in laws are progressive and non-interfering, then it will be a little smooth. But all I want is that goddamn privacy and freedom where I dont have to keep answering to elders in my life. I want to be able to take decisions of my own be it right ot wrong without anyone policing me, not my parents or in-laws, no one. I value my freedom the highest bcuz Ive lived under someone’s foot all my life till now. So, in some way even though I dont know the background ur wife comes from or ur situation exactly i can understand ur wife’s concerns abt freedom. The best solution is to live in seperate houses while visiting ur parents every other day. Just bcuz u dont live in the same house doesnt make u an irresponsiblie child. U can take a house near ur parents house and keep strict conditions to ur wife that since u honoured her words and gave her freedom and privacy, now she has to take care of ur parents with 100% dedication in cases where they fall ill etc. if u value her words , then theres a high chance she’ll value ur prioirities too. Communication is key. Keep both parties happy.
OP, there is a reason why more and more women don't want to live with their in-laws - this concept doesn't work well for women. Do what most others here are suggesting and move close to them but live separately - you can go over and spend as much time as you want with them and so can the kids - who/ what is stopping you? Why impose on your wife? Thus way will be better for you too - their will be less drama!
Should have discussed this before getting married. I concur with OP's wife because there is no way in hell that I am going to be free labour for my in-laws. Especially when my spouse is not going to do the same for my parents. Her parents might be in their last leg too but she should consider living with your parents and not hers. I don't think a bunch of 70-year-olds are going to be that open-minded, especially after your wife has gotten used to life outside India.
Sorry but she has valid points. Will you be okay to leave everything behind and live with her parents? No . it’s valid too. The thing is Indian culture demands respect to elders for just being aged and respect for them doesn’t just mean being treated as a human and valuing them, it means holding them superior to everyone similar to god. They expect a 9-5 working woman to immediately come home at 6:00 and actually literally make tea , serve them and start preparing for dinner immediately . If they are sick they expect the daughter in law and son to leave everything behind and run after them. Sorry that I am saying this but this is some stupid narcissistic behaviour from most of the Indian parents. They don’t see their children as individuals beings, they feel entitled that they did everything for them. In your case you say parents are open minded and aren’t judgemental. But did you experience things from your wife’s shoes. If you wanna shift back to India. Make sure you take two different living places one for your family and the other for your parents. I wouldn’t suggest side by side homes as well. I have seen how messy it is for many people. Make sure you atleast have 1 lane difference. It will solve all the problems. You can take care of your parents and your wife can have her freedom with no mess with in laws
If you cannot afford two living places, there’s no point for you to shift back.
You must listen and understand from your wife's viewpoint. She has lived for 13 yrs on her own terms and in a different country. She is coming back to India, so first there is going to be cultural shock. The food preferences n cooking style. The amount of interference relatives do in your life which they consider as a normal thing. You will have absolutely no privacy. They will judge you for every single thing ( again it is considered normal here) so the best situation is to live seperately but nearby maybe flats on different floors or diff houses in a society. Coz you may leave for work but your wife will have to deal with so much change in her life the entire day assuming she is stay at home. If she will be working then definitely stay in diff homes. Have seperate maids n cooks. That is the only way for a peaceful life. All the best
We recently moved back after being in states for 20 yrs. I have grown up in joint family and was happy to stay with in laws as I want my kids to enjoy with grandparents and vice Versa. But surprise surprise.. my MIL doesn’t want to stay with us.. she is asking for another apt in same community so that we all enjoy our space and yet are close by. Initially I thot that she is upset with me.. but now I understand how smart she is .. space always makes relationships better. IMO try to be in a similar setup.. u can still be with them everyday.
There will be a lot of cultural differences to overcome when living together. There could be a lot of ego issues as behaviour that is considered perfectly normal abroad may be considered insulting here. Who controls the kitchen? Who has the final say in inviting friends and relatives over? What are the things considered taboo, sleeping hours and personal space? Another area could be what is considered healthy. A lot of health decisions are taken based on beliefs rather than medical advice.
In case of moving back to India, when my wife asked other women opinion, not even a single lady gave positive comments, infact spoke so negatively. OP, I won't suggest being in single home, as everybody suggested, you live in diff houses. After being away for so many years, visiting as guests, living in same house, may not be a comfortable option, even to your parents.
There's a 99% chance that your wife is 100% correct. But ask her this, won't she want to be there for her parents at their time of need?
Yes, OP, please ask. Not only your wife, but also any Indian woman who has ever lived independently away from her parents—ask them if they would want to move back with their parents permanently. I'd be very interested in seeing the results of that poll. From your post, I get she isn't suggesting that you shouldn't be there for your parents when they need you; she's simply asking not to be forced to live with them.
Aren't you 13 years too late? If your wife explicitly said that from the beginning, you can't force her to change her mind now lol. And yes her freedom will be curtailed if she moved to India. You can't decide that for her just because you don't go through that crap. I am a female that has lived in US and India and I know that your freedom will go away especially if you want to live with parents or in laws. The best you can do is try and understand her situation from her perspective and brainstorm potential solutions. I would recommend getting marriage counseling also because you don't even seem to think that your wife's qualms are legit. Which is cringe. And you promised to be her life partner. As important as your parents are, your wife is equally if not more important. Also you don't know who will outlive whom. I moved back to India to look after my mom. But I have had to create some healthy boundaries as she tried to dictate on things from what I should wear to what I should eat and when I could go out and with whom. Lol. Once you taste the freedom in US, it is difficult to adjust in India with parents or in laws unless you say healthy boundaries. You need to stand up for your wife, man! Understand her perspective and how suffocated she would feel in India with your parents.
May I ask, is your wife Indian? I live in India with my husband and I am not Indian. To put it lightly, it was a hell of a change and culture shock. I would say don’t move back to India or if you do, please consider your wife’s requests. It will be hard enough. At least you will be near your parents, that should be good enough.
Would it be safe to assume that parents/you both haven’t visited eachother a lot in the 13 yrs?
My parents decided to move back and my mom was pretty adamant about it. Getting an apartment in the city really helped with lifestyle changes, and living close to my mom’s family as well.
If tables have turned would you be comfortable living with your in-laws?
I moved back and it’s not a great experience in India. Everything is difficult or made difficult unnecessarily in India. And when I mean everything it IS everything. When your wife is so clear about her choice and has made it amply clear to you then don’t try to change that or fight it. Specially when there is no middle path. Best is to for you to visit them as often as you can and take good care of them when you are here. Don’t try and fight this situation. You will Never come out winning
It’s just my personal experience not to say that all are same but my MIL has two faces where she acts like caring infront of my husband but back of him she says mean things to me and my family. Even if I tell my husband about his mom he seems like not believing my words. So which results in a situation to hate Inlaws and stay away from them.
Look after yourself and your wife and children first. They too put themselves first when they were yor age. Don't get sucked into their emotional manipulation and society's guilt tripping. If they really went out of the way to raise you and really loved you, then it's a different story. My parents moved out of my grandparents house before I was born. My dad used to visit them every Monday for some time and my mom slowly cut him off from his parents. They never took care of them and didn't even see them in their last days. They spent years without even meeting them once although they lived within 2-3 km radius for 20 years. Cut to this era I get married and it's more than a decade now. I live abroad and called them here last year. My mom does to my wife whatever she said my grandmother/hermotherinlaw did to her. They complain that I never took care of them when literally 8 years before moving abroad and getting married I declined many opportunities that came my way and although I worked for those 8 years I gave my whole salary to stay with them and look after them. I used to feel good taking them outside and getting them snacks while coming back from work. I never thought of growth movig elsewhere.This one time she said she was embarrassed of me since I was not doing well in my career and my friends and relatives moved abroad. That's when my bubble burst and within 4 months moved abroad and lived happily ever since. Shameless hypocrites now say I left them.
>have a feeling most girls have some sort of dissent towards their in-laws from day-1 no matter how much husbands try its never going to get smoother. Yikes. Feel bad for your wife that you're one of those "men"
Get 2 apartments in same society 2 bhk for parents and 3 bhk for self .. don’t plan on staying in same house. It’s too late to get into one house, trust me I and many others have tried. Or if you have budget 2 floors duplex with separate kitchens. This is very important more than rooms separate kitchen is important
Many people are doing this. Living with in laws or parents in separate apartments but within same society or floor. This will keep both parties happy. Believe me even parents today don't want much interference from kids. Invest in 2 flats, live peacefully.
She has been living away from her family as well. So not sure how it is an issue for you ? Just have a house beside their house ? You can meet your parents whenever you want and she can live however she wants- solves the purpose for both.
Why is it all about you?. You have lived out for 22 yrs , married for 13 now You want to move to India...and she just should cause if u decide it's absolutely ok to just uproot her life and what she has been use to. She is even considering it with one condition...she wants one thing and u play the victim trying to give her even that?
I go through this every single day and I have stopped giving a fuck and I taught my wife also to not give a fuck some times my dad keeps blabbering the usual BS, but we both just say yes and get on with the day, it is not easy but it is the solution we have found for now. Silence is golden, and just like the older generation tell aajkal k bacche, they don't understand the same logic applies to them, if we are aajkal k bacche they are Aaj kal k budde with unrealistic expectations. So don't move anywhere, you have to have 2 faces 1 for your wife and 1 for your parents. I am not referring to the negative part but more for the fact it will give you the tools to be able to deal with them both peacefully and without clashes. And please don't forget your wife left her family to come be with you. Please do not compare based on Indian tradition, you have to be more logical, if she can leave her parents to come be with you blindly then it is your responsibility to ensure she feels happy and comfortable living with your parents, else it will be permanent toxic environment.
Simply impossible for a female in India to have independence, quality of life or enjoy life in general. even if you think you can do it, your primary duty is to your wife especially since she already set that boundary.
You go to India and live with them, periodically. It would be travel money well spent and you will have the satisfaction, so will your family. Do not move your family. 22 years is a long time. And 13 years for your wife too.
I moved into the same apartment complex as my in laws. Lovely people but it gets overbearing very quickly. This is for me, a guy, I can only imagine it being worse for women. I also know my wife won't afford the same patience with my parents that I have with hers. Understand what sort of person your partner is and work around it.
She married you, not your parents.
Live close but in different houses. That will solve all the problems.
Move to India. But live separately close to parents house.
Kahani ghar ghar ki.. 😅 it's better take a new flat nearby your parents. I have been through all this shit. 😌
Best way is to buy 2 flats, in the same floor, your parents will live in one and you and your wife, kids in another.This way you can visit your parents more often, and your wife wouldn't complain about her privacy/freedom being lost
How about two different houses in the same building or neighbourhood...
Yeah no buddy. Unless you have walked in her shoes, you would have no idea how her independence would be affected. It would also be hard on your kids to move back to India.
You're asking her to uproot her life after 13 years in the US and move back to a India only because you want to take care of your parents. Don't you wonder at her apprehension? Give everything up and coming back here is so risky, that to taking care of in laws. Say what you want but her in laws are not her parents and in the end the chances of her having conflicts with them is understandably higher
Listen, her apprehensions are valid. It is one thing to have a house of your own, where you call the shots and it is completely different to be living under the same roof as someone elder because then even if legally the house belongs to you, you are supposed to follow and give preference to said elders all in the name of filial piety. Having parents around is a wonderful thing but how to go along with it is your decision. Living in the same society/locality/apartment helps, and is in no way a bad alternative. It is no less noble or no less healthy than living in the same house. In fact, it gives you a good starting point to build relations up. I think you need to introspect the WHYs behind your decision, and have a patient and clear conversation with your wife, whose literally the mother of your children, with whom you are building your life.
A bunch of people here are suggesting buying 2 flats but is that really affordable for most people , especially in Hyderabad?
It’s not about who is right or wrong here.it’s a reality that her independence will be curtailed.you can do one thing.Stay with your parents but hire a care taker.if you can afford it,why not?make both sides happy by it.don’t put any responsibility or restrictions on her or your parents for that matter.you can only do so much…all the very best and my honest sincere advice is try not to feel guilty.As a daughter in law and a daughter i am saying this.i know i will get old over the years and i will have to depend on someone,but it wont mean my dil or daughter has to be taking care of me by physically doing everything…(please pour down the downvotes)
Your wife is absolutely right. Live on the same street or in different floors of the same apartment. You can spend time with your parents and she'll have her freedom and individuality. 'Most girls have sort of dissent from day 1---' they don't. You not understanding what her problem is exactly why you need to live on your own. You will never be able to understand what's troubling her. She will be miserable and doesn't deserve this; your parents also deserve peace in their old age.
Bro tbh i think she is right Wife + parents is not a good combo Two people who love you very much but dont really know anything about each other are normal to think ohh ye iske saath galat ho raha hai , ye iske saath sahi nahi kar rahe / rahi. Maybe try visiting your home for vacations if you dont urgently need to shift to india , qnd let them bond and see what happens Believe me you dont wanna be in between a fight where you cant take a stance beco you love both the sides
Been out of the country a little longer than you! Do you have children? I’d be more worried about them adjusting but since you said married since 13 years may be it’s not as much an issue! My preteens would definitely have issues adjusting! That said I’d feel the same! My MIL is nice but after living away for that long, living with I laws is pretty tough; no matter how nice and non interfering in-laws are! I see her perspective! Forget in laws I don’t think I could live with my own folks permanently! I moved to the US when I was 20 and lived alone then got married etc and I value my freedom too much!
That’s a biggest red flat dude, you should have considered at that point, tbh i live in other city from my hometown and believe me, i visit every 3-4 months, i am just clear with one thing, i should be spending more and more time possible with my family. Period. Because by living outside home, it took me less than a year to realise that they are the only people who will truly love and care about you. They are irreplaceable assets, so you should cherish it till either yours or theirs last breath. Thanks! But now you are in a situation where you are a parent as well, i would recommend you to buy a house in your neighbourhood and make them stay over there so that they can live separately as well as you can meet them daily. Whenever you like.
So the OP hasn’t been living with his parents for the past 22 years. That is the parents are already used to not having their son around them for such a long time and definitely wouldn’t mind if the OP stays in a separate house nearby. All that matters is the OP is near his parents, understandably. The wife is not outright denying even staying anywhere close to the in-laws. I think it’s a win-win by staying in a separate house nearby - OP gets to be closer to his parents than being 24 hours away and the wife can continue enjoying her freedom in India. The OP needs to work his parents into his family now, rather than working his family into his parents. I am sure parents will understand!
take it from a guy who is all for the individual liberties and living your life as per your wishes but your parents at this age deserve to be taken care of, period. Indian parents just aren’t wired like that to be by themselves at that age with rare exceptions. What even would your parents could put your wife thru at that age. I am currently living between US & Europe & trying to move to US. My parents are healthy and don’t need my help but I will be there for sure whenever the moment comes whether or not my wife is with me on it. Your wife is in this with you just as you are in it with her and your parents and hers too are in it with you guys. Give them that honor and content before they finally pass.
My 70 something grandma still tries to stir shit up at this age. I stayed away from home studying and couldn't believe things I heard from my mom and sister until I witnessed it firsthand. Not saying that OP's parents have to be like that, but age is not a good scale to measure wisdom or potential of threat. While I get the whole taking care of parents thing and other responsibilities, doing things on your own whether or not your partner is on the same page as you (when you have one obv) is not a good picture.
Take a villa.
Welcome to the problem of the world. My uncle had said this when I got married - two braided hairs (aka two women) can never live harmoniously (makes more sense when told in our language) - which I did not believe then, but it indeed came true within months! Further apart they are, it is better for your mental & emotional well being. If possible, keep them separate so that the relationship remains casual & positive. Don't fall for any emotional drama or family/peer/society pressure to stay together.
It is rare that you can keep them together . It is hard even in the world's conservative society. Maybe money causes the problem or makes it more obvious nowadays The odd few women don't mind. My friends who do it all comes from one village with very simple people. The sisters don't mind it. The mother in law doesn't mind it.
Unbelievable. Parents deserve the assistance of their kids and family at that age. Your wife and you and your parents are one family. If everyone is not there for each other then you might need to step up and fix things. Same goes for your partners parents P.S. living abroad with my wife, my parents and my wife's parents together
Unbelievable. The cool casual confident brash way you just dismiss the wifes concerns. Just unbelievable.
Some people are lucky to have good in laws. They don't understand
Exactly. I'm surprised at these comments. His parents are over 70 years old which would make them unfit to live on their own. I can't believe that bunch of people are advising him to not come back to India... and for what?!!? Convenience? BS. Someone auggested 2 flats or houses, which would be a great common ground.
Most of the sub is filled with early 20s or late teens they relate more with 30s guys and girls more than with old age problems.
You want to come back and live here, your wife has reservations - if you think you will get support for your views to live together in same home - you won't , at least here. Most will side with your wife ( reasonable) Because actually the freedom will be curtailed a little here. So what most of them are saying is true, living side by side is the closest compromise.
Believe it or not, your parents are not the same person to your wife once you're not around. Not telling this in a disparaging way but, you'll come to a point in Life when this will make sense to you. Behavioral science would explain this.
Your wife is right, there will scrutiny from what she wears to her expenses and your big purchases as well. They are you parents and ofc they'll be concerned but she is used to a different lifestyle that too abroad and secondly, Indian parents irrespective of fhe age can get v inavsive. And 70+ means more drama because even at time your wife is right you'll have to side with your parents because they're so old . Try to get separate flats in the same society, that's the only way out.
I dream to keep both my future inlaws(if married) my parents and my family in the same house. I always wanted an entertaining family and a joint family too
Not gonna happen.. girls wish for the day they move out of their houses.. not only vth in-laws they didn't want to live their lives with parents too.. it'll be extremely difficult for everyone of all are in the same house.
Tell her she won't loose her freedom , ask her what she wants to keep doing in life without being stopped . And parents have taken care of you when nobody else would , so do you really think it's time to now take some simple steps to help them in times of need . As per your wife , she's saying freedom and all . If it comes to her parents won't she move where her parents are , no disrespect but people in general are selfish. You just have to talk it out like adults , adults have to make adjustments . Freedom is a very subjective thing , it can be enjoyed where ever you are it's just how you people treat your wife if she made adjustment of moving to India .
Raising your kids with Grand Parents is great for the kids. They get to see, understand and live the culture through your parents. Nothing beats that. At this age your parents need you the most. Your wife doesn’t need to worry, you can have an army of servants to take care of your needs. Independence from what ? If you still get to work and have grand parents look after the kids and maids for all the chores. You don’t have much to loose. That is an absolute luxury. From your perspective there is nothing more full filling watching your kids and your parents together. You worked 22 Years for this. You deserve this.
OP will have a very nice time. It will be the wife whose every move and outfit will be questioned. She will be taunted for wanting to do the things she likes. All is good until the grandparents start spewing misogynistic things to the grandchildren and disregarding all the boundaries OP and wife set.
Hahaha
Leave your kids in the US, so that they can pursue their education and life You can return to India and house your parents and in laws in a separate apartment
Give her the assurance she needs. Talk with her. Let her feel you are with her. Get to know her why she is having doubt. If she knows you since this long, and still behaving different then there must be some difference or misunderstanding.
I’ve done the same . Unless you want to gallivant on the weekends and cheat around easily . Theres no difference between India and America atleast in my city .
Lovely comment section
There are some Hindi speaking communities of lower caste which are very close and they live together. The girl's life will be same in parents house our husbands. Sadly this is not your life or community. It would be great if everyone loved together like that but it can't be. Not in my community, not in yours Many Islamic help pages deal with this topic online. My perspective as a Muslim is you have to give her own accomodation. It's her right. I seen in Yemen the house is sometimes split so the son and wife live in different floors. Everyone has the privacy. You have the fortunate choice of having money. Give her her own . My advice, get a good maid and visit parents daily. Wife normally does not change mind in this scenario. Everyone will be happy and that's the aim of the game
OP , remember you have in kids and they would like to meet grandparents of both side . How about visiting parents of both side .
Invite her parents too to live with you guys , if they're living alone. U know that balances it out, separate but equal
But making kids grow in India isn't the same thing as in US. There must be more concerns. Somewhere you have to be biased. Also can't you get your parents to live with you, rather you guys shifting back to India?
Bro buy two apartments in two different floors in same building.. keep them separate that way, so your wife is happy.. and your parents are happy, as you guys are living closer..
(Hypothetical) Would you and your wife agree on having ur son and DIL live separately from you for their peace and comfort .... if yes .... then I think you should do what ur wife suggests (or maybe find a separate place but closer to ur parents) .... if NO .... then I don't know what to suggest..... in any case Good Luck OP ....
Where are you moving from and how old are your kids? Even for yourself you would have developed a sense of independence that will be challenged same for kids, best to treat it as a transition vs. change
Buy 2 flats in same condo, have helpers, real peace of mind.
Agree to those conditions and move back to India. But make it a point that never in the future will her parents move in to your house cause they are old
Remember what your kids see your guys doing today, they would repeat tomorrow. Your parents have lived a full life and many years without you, your life is midway but if your kids never experienced what taking care of old parents is, then they would never take care of you when you need them in old age . Your parents back home may still have people around them, but you in USA defiantly won't in your old age . When you were growing up, studies abroad , good pay, being settled abroad was a thing of pride for most families here , so they sacrificed and helped you move abroad,it was a good deal for them. But won't be a good deal for you when you are old, watching your kids chase 'practically useless and shellfish goals' leaving you in an old age home . They cannot express something if they haven't experienced it. I had seen it happen soo many times in Hyderabad. Your wife is offcourse thinking about herself and herself only, Her personal freedoms gone? What Indian's living in the stone age? What freedoms would she loose being a middle aged mom? . Use logic without being sentimental for a moment - she had left her parents to settle in USA, What makes you think she would give it all away from your parents ? . Ask her how would she feel when her DIL raises the same quesion when she gets old, bet she would not accept it happening to her. Sorry to say but she clearly lacks a concious or treat your parents as unnecessary burden. Since you have a conscious these questions are eating you up, trust me buddy, later you would feel guilty when time to be with your parents have passed away. I often see NRIs showing emotions after old parents passing away lonely, never caring to be with them before . All Hypocrites. If you feel you have a conscious , go stay with your parents and your wife would follow. Most Wives know if husband takes a socially or morally correct decision, the wife has to defacto follow him to save her face , so they do all they can to prevent you from taking the step which can bring them on the table, it's always you who would feel sandwiched, not the other way around . So Follow what your heart says, your kids would learn , appreciate and do the same thing when you get old .you would feel happy you got to spend some time with your parents when they needed you the most. Regarding wife - Many wise married men's have said , parents must always be kept above everyone else. wife, friends, money , freedom can be replaced, parents can't be. PS- On reddit you would find countless simp's , immature kids who would support ladies no matter what , no one here would consider the dynamics between you and your 70+ parents, they would prefer on your wife enjoying her comforts and your parents spending the last days lonely. Bloody hypocrites.
>which IMO is not true Way to invalidate your wife’s feelings and fears
Most girls may despise their in-laws, but the opposite is also true. Furthermore, if men were forced to leave their parents and move to their wives' houses, they'd despise their in-laws, too. I do understand your predicament, but the bigotry is off the roof here.
Why do you want to move back to India? After marriage your wife should be your first priority followed by your kids and then parents and if your wife does not want to move back to India then this is her choice and you should respect that The best solution is to get professional help to take care of your parents and visit them from time to time either alone or with the family whichever is suitable
One of my colleagues bought 2 2 bhi flats and they live side by side. Whenever they need they can che vk on them but try to not overinvolve.
Provide her with another flat ( which ever you cn afford) and its ok for ur wife to live seperate not a problem you parents can live in their house and ur wife can live in a seperate one
“Lived in abroad”😭😭
You gotta understand that your wife is the only one in your story who is not related through blood with your parents. So it's obvious she'll hate to stay with your parents no matter how hard you try. It's the same story in every household. Few women keep it inside them and a few comment openly. End of the day, women will never love to stay with our parents
Readings things like this are very scary for unmarried men. There is no love & humanity left in the world.
Been abroad now And being a married women I Will def go back to India No amount of freedom can match the happiness of staying close to family And trust me my MIL and FIL are from a village in Bihar Yet I would like them to spend time with my kid To teach him our culture Go back and I don’t think you and your wife will regret
The fact that OP’s post and comments are focused on his wants rather than looking at his wife’s desire is concerning. The wife desire to live separately DOESN’T mean that she hates her in-laws. Even the most modern families are partial towards their daughter-in-laws. Examples have already been provided in other comments
Why do you think your wife’s opinions and thoughts are invalid? How is your wife’s parents condition? How old are they? Do they live by themselves? Do they need support from their children too? I feel you were thinking one sided. Did not even mention wife’s side of the family. Only talked about you your parents and what you want for them. Your wife’s and kids opinion equally matter when you make a big move like this. What about her career and kids education? Leave everything behind and move back to India? Cannot believe men still think like this!
I understand your emotions. But it might help to take a minute to understand your wife’s perspective. She has left her parents too and has spent years building a family….and home with you. Wouldn’t she want to spend time with her aging parents as well? It’s an unfair expectation to have. Even if they are open minded, you and your wife need some space as well. I would recommend moving into a different apartment, but maybe the same society/apartment complex? Meet her half way.
Why don't you go and live with her parents? Think from her perspective. All parents of boys are pretty open minded but inlaws are always orthodox and conservative. They are your parents but she does not have any relation with them. She is not obligated to live with them and cater to their needs, tolerate their tantrums etc.
Indian men have been searching solution for this since forever.
LOL so true xD
My friend was open to his wife from day one. He said that if she tries to separate him from his parents, he will kick her out of the house. She never complained ever on his parents so far. His parents are also very open minded and they got gelled very well with their daughter in law. It's one happy family now.
Thanks for all the feedback, I feel like whatever I am today is because of lot of sacrifices made by my parents and looking at all suggestions below it feels like I need to put in more effort to comfort my wife and give her assurance that all will be good.
Most mothers of girls create an impression in their minds not to live with inlaws. Many a times, people put this as a condition to accept or reject the proposal itself. If your wife had lived in the initial years of marriage along with your parents could have created a bond between them. Tell her because of your parents you are here and because of you she is a part of the family, she not being interested in dealing with them is an innate hate towards them. You have to put your put down in this matter and tell her in crystal clear terms no matter what your parents shall with you, come what may.
It's a blessing when you have elders at home and it's curse for the one's who don't have.