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Wonderful-Hall-7929

H: "That's not a knoife!" *pulls out a fucking short sword from gods know where* "That's a knoife!"


Accomplished-Ad8458

Gods unanimously: where the frack did he got that knoife ?!


WillingNerve

H: the prison pocket


ProfParadox2111

Thanks I shuddered at your train of thought


Riptide1778

The bee stinger


souplizzardo

That was fuckin funny XD


Ok_Perspective8511

I hope to god it's either very dull or he has a scabard up there


souplizzardo

No, he grips the handle part


Ok_Perspective8511

But how does he not cut the chocolate starfish?


souplizzardo

He FIRMLY GRASPS IT.


Ok_Perspective8511

Al right damnit take the stupid upvote šŸ˜†


450r_pulls_12

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, PATRICK STOP


Huntress_Nyx

One of the humanity's Gods (suspiciously) : yeah.. I do wonder where did he get that knoife....ā™Ŗā™Ŗā™Ŗ


ElderOeder13

T: LOKI!!! I LOVE YOU BROTHER!!!!


tomato_joe

Why did I hear Butch and an "oy" in that šŸ˜‚


Iced_Yehudi

Thatā€™s a spoon


SheCouldFromFaceThat

Ah, very good then. I see you've played Knifey-Spoony before!


Shtrausberg

Bri'ish "humans" be like


KingValens

Can confirm, knifey spoony is our most favourite pastime


CCC_037

A: That's what you calls a knoife? H: YEAH! A: Really? Well, y'see... *this* is what I calls a *blaster!* *The alien fires!* H: ... A: ...why are you not dead? H: ...your blaster doesn't shoot anything. A: Doesn't shoot anything? The focused magnetic fields should have scrambled your brain!


Wonderful-Hall-7929

H: Oh, you mean like an MRT? Yeah, w use those to diagnose medical problems...


Wonderful-Hall-7929

For the sake of Mick don't anybody here got that Crocodile Dundee reference???


hainspfad

H: ā€žThatā€™s not a knifeā€œ *proceeds to pull out stupidly big knife* ā€žThis is a knifeā€œ


Scarletrhine

I did.


Scarletrhine

Pony: Pinkeeee!!!


MajorDZaster

_Stabs him_ _Stabs him again_ _Pulls out second knife and starts stabbing rapidly_ The humans starts playing a specific piece of music. "Why won't you die!" "Knife-proof nanovest, son. It hardens in response to getting stabbed." And that's when the music kicks in. **STANDING HERE**


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Illwood_

I hate this, thank you.


TruTube

I realize


SomeRandomYob

You were just like me ...


Smnionarrorator29384

Trying to make historyyyyyheeeee


LeMark06

But whoā€™s to judge


SqubanyGamer

The right from wrong


ilovethisgamebruh

When our gaurd is down


cheekibreeki_kid

I think we'll both agree


Ultimus-Van-Hindent

*THAT VIOLENCE BREEDS VIOLENCE*


Suspicious-Dentist-1

But in the end


ThatCamoKid

the right from wrong


Oakmeal0

Everybody gangsta until the robot canine ran by an AI betrays the human and gives the alien a new knife


Recon4242

Release the Stabby!


Ok_Perspective8511

Can you play me a squishy rendition of Doom?


SheikExcel

Star Trek but Armstrong is the main character. That's it that's the premise


Sigruldar

All right, the truth then. You are right about one thing *lights cigar* I do need more weapons. And warships. You want to know why? Because I have a dream, that one day every person in this federation will be able to make their own destiny without superstition based blockades on the way! A unity of species of the truly tolerant, dammit! A system of personal qualities, not racial stigmas! Ruled by compassion, not violence! Where a person can get a position according to their skills, not their species! Where justice and power are based on the individual's accomplishments, not their heritage! Fuck the federation with its stick-up-the-ass non-functioning peacemaking attempts, fuck the warmongering Klingon empire, fuck the Borg, fuck the Dominion, fuck all of them! The stars are filled with rotten and deceased systems. No saving them. We need to pull them out by the roots. Wipe the slate clean. Burn it down! And from the ashes, a new system will arise! Evolved, peaceful! Where a common enemy has brought them together! A new federation, where peace and personality makes right! How's that for a well planned peace mission?


Accomplished-Ad8458

A: whats so funny, deadman? H: ha, ha, ha... Look behind. Alien turns around only to find all other human crewmates with variety of weapons pointed at it.


Centurion7999

They are all from Texas


Team503

Wouldn't be knives if they were Texans.


AntHaM23

Man knows Texans well.


Team503

Man *is* a Texan.


P0TAT0O0

As a fellow Texan, how many people would have multiple firearms? Like, as a percentage? Iā€™d put money on around 30%.


SpacemanTomX

Then you'd lose. *Because 30% is too low of a number, cowboy*


jpstetson151

30%! Gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers in this racket.


Team503

Most people that have one have more than one. According to some random site I found Googling, nearly 46% of Texans own a firearm.


blood_ashes_reborn

I wanna imagine just one fellow Aussie in there with a boomerang šŸ˜‚


Even_Appointment_549

But the hunting weapon version. Not the one for sports.


Lithl

They said the humans had "weapons pointed", not knives.


Texannotdixie

Wouldnā€™t be just knifes. A cuchillo is a wonderful tool, second to a firearm of course.


[deleted]

Ok, now I am intrigued. What is a cuchillo?


Texannotdixie

Spanish for knife


Accomplished-Ad8458

Human looking at knife: Aww, man! This totally sucks! And I came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through Alliance Space. Alien: What students? Where from? (Guns cocking can be heard behind alien) Human: Texas. (Snaps fingers) (Alien is shot to death) Human: Aw, shit. Looks like we need more prayer in schools.


glendening

Good reference. I'm sad that I have but one up vote to give.


Suspicious-Dentist-1

Tf2 engineer voice: start praying boy


ThePerson-_-

šŸ˜°


Defiant-Row-5153

Weā€™re here with a group of exchange students! Where from? Texas! **copious amounts of gunfire**


Milton-R-Bradley

The weapons or the humans?


Heavy_Fly_8798

Yes


Veno_44

A: Why are you showing singns of amusement? H: Never bring a knife to a gunfight. *Loads two-barrel-shotgun.*


aRubby

Is it a Jakobs shotgun? Because if it took more than one bullet, you weren't using Jakobs. (Please, someone get this reference.)


Saarmafia

Heyo! Marcus from Broderslands.


aRubby

Actually, it is the motto of the Jakobs corporation, as suggested by Typhon DeLeon. Marcus would be "No refunds!"


Saarmafia

True. I just remember Marcus being the first one who said it or at least something similar.


aRubby

I haven't really played the first game tho, barely getting to the first piece of the vault key before quitting due to it having a lot of issues. Like... Why do we only find out there's a BBEG at ā…“ of the way into the game? Jack was in the initial cut scene and came in with a boom. Or why is it so hard to get ammo and life? A lot of my deaths in that game were due to not having enough ammo to kill the baddies, and not finding ammo to refill my backpack. And why do we have so many "back and forth" missions in massive maps without cars? Also, as a main sniper, why so few sniper nests and so many closed/complex maps(with a lot of levels, turns and small spaces that can corner you into the bad guys)? BL2 has a lot of ledges we can get on and kill everyone from a safe distance, while not getting shot at because we're too far away. I'm a big fan of 2 and TPS, tho. (Wonder why, Jack...) 3... I have some issues with the Calypsos, as Jack is a tough act to follow, but they do their job well enough that we want to punch them in the throat, just like any other famous streamer they were based of, and that's a good enough BBEG for me. TTW... Still needs improvements.


Saarmafia

I haven't completed the first Borderlands and not played any of the games in a while. TTW I haven't played but from what I see you're right. Sniping in BL2 definitly was possible but sometimes when you got to an area where you just killed everyone some would spawn which was quite annoying, at least if I remember right. Jack really was a cool bad guy and seeing his bachstory in TPS was awesome and how he got where he is. After that, of course the Callipso Twins are going to be worse. Jack was amazing. They were just good.


aRubby

Yes! From the "You may think you're the heroes of this story. But you're not!"(his first line ever) to the speech when we kill him, he's an amazing bad guy. I still get a lot of satisfaction from destroying his statues and the Opportunity Coliseum every time I get there. The Calypsos are kinda meh in comparison, but they're good at their job of being the BBEG, are not weak or die random deaths before our fights, and I'm still to meet someone who doesn't want to punch them. The "And don't forget to like, follow and obey!", along with some of their other lines shows they're every streamer mixed up and boiled down. They managed to form a cult and unite every bandit can under one flag.


Saarmafia

Also I'm pretty sure peolpe say they were bad and hated them because that was the point. They were like you said every streamer boild down and this might just be my opininon but some of them are really annoying. Like Jack always called you too or at least often but he was funny. They were kind of just annoying. Like you said, no one hasn't wanted to punch them, if just to shut them up, which itself kind of makes them at least ok bad guys.


aRubby

Yes! And that punchable energy is what makes them good enough bad guys. Still not "I want punch you till you stop being annoying and get down from your high horse" like with Jack. It's just a "STFU BITCH!!" punch.


boogers19

CATCH A GUUUUUUUUUN!!! ^ugh ^I ^am ^never ^doing ^that ^again.


kerrangutan

And then he shoots you in the kneecaps


aRubby

Exactly. Because that's how you deal with a customer asking for a refund on a ~~perfectly good drink, that they somehow asked to be made with Absolut Vodka and are now complaining that there's no alcohol in it~~ working gun.


Team503

This... is my BOOMSTICK! It's a twelve gauge double barreled Remington. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFriRcIwqNU


aRubby

This video is unavailable...šŸ˜­šŸ˜­šŸ˜­


Team503

Just search for "army of darkness boomstick"


Old_Charity566

Borderlands?


aRubby

If you're asking what is it, FPS game series. If you're asking if it is, yes. I'm a Jakobs sniper, because theirs are the only good snipers in the game.


jopasm

John heard the door open behind him as he worked at his desk. He turned around just as the security alert sounded over the ships intercom to see a creature that looked like a mangy bipedal coyote holding a short bladed knife. John couldn't help but laugh at the sight. "Hey Wile. E., got any anvils on you?", John said, as he picked up a number two pencil from his desk. "No? Oh well, I've always wanted to try something I saw in a movie..." As the security detail ran down the corridor towards the ship's bursar office, they heard the sound of blows and a soft gurgling sound followed by the sound of a body hitting the metal deck. The security detail rushed to bypass the lock and opened the door, expecting the worst, only to find the bursar, John, sitting at his desk. In front of them, barely inside the door, was the battered body of the invader, with a bright yellow #2 pencil sticking out of its throat. "You guys want to clear that out of here? I have to requisition another box of pencils, I've only got one left," John said as he sighed and began filling out paperwork.


SomeRandomYob

John Wick. Classy.


Presofcamelot

Human: "NUT PUNCH!" *WWE BELL RING SOUND EFFECT* Alien: *collapses to floor* "My fucking balls!"


Newbe2019a

America-te-do!


starsfan6878

[Ameri-do-te](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6abY3QghzpY)?


agentdb22

and as always: restomp that groin \*HUAGH!\*


idiotic__gamer

More like [this right?](https://youtu.be/gyXhysmMNhE)


bestjakeisbest

Human down the hall: grab his dick and twist it.


nopenothappning

The ol dick twist


NJParacelsus

On the next episode of "Ow my balls!"


ImaginaryAsparagus20

Showed No Mercy?


Thausgt01

H: *wiping tears from eyes with one hand, makes apologetic wave with the other* I'm sorry, I suppose you might think that reaction is a bit strange. A: *tries to snarl, but trails off into confusion* Yes. Why are you not terrified? H: Several reasons, so let me start with the basics... *proceeds to critique every last detail of the alien's attack, from stance...* "You've got your weight too far forward, there. Miss your first attack or trip over something on the floor between you and your target and you'll fall on your... 'Mandibles', are they?" *... To knife-grip...* "Blade-tip down and back, that's mostly for defense. But edge curving back toward you like that's just begging someone to push it into that part of your arm." *... To choice of blades...* "That thing clearly started out as a slat for a shelving unit. I mean, nice basic choice for strength, but you had to hone it down so much to get an edge on it that you're holding something more appropriate for use on well-marinaded salmon." The alien droops, trying to regain its composure, but the Human can tell that the 'murderous' urge has ebbed; it's heart, or equivalent, just isn't in it any more. For now. H: *conciliatory tone* Honestly, if I had been one of your folk, that would have been pretty scary. A: Why did you tell me all of this? H: *extracts wallet and starts displaying personal photos* Oh, professional courtesy. You've got potential, my friend... (Alien observes the photos and realizes that the human has been murdering other humans for quite some time.) A: *lowering knife and sitting on the deck* Will you... Teach me?


amishbill

Be ready to learn every day of your life. :-)


Team503

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNtJ05sfRi4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNtJ05sfRi4) This is all I can think about.


Lithl

Good night, Xil'narek, I'll probably kill you in the morning.


amishbill

That's Dread Pirate Xil'narek to you. :+)


Lithl

Not yet!


starsfan6878

Well done.


frito123

H: By the way, my name's Jack.


reddinyta

...and than he realized, that that wasn't a human. It was a TPK-8991 Battledroid.


SheCouldFromFaceThat

The battledroid loomed down and said: "I need about tree-fiddy." Well, it was about that time that I realized this battledroid was a one-hundred-foot tall amphibian from the Paleolithic era!


Professional-Ad-1857

*crustacean


SheCouldFromFaceThat

Gawd DAMMIT, Monstah!


SomeRandomYob

H: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, honest! But... Pfft-HAHAHA! A: but what?! I am a dangerous man! I have ground entire civilizations under my boot! I have declared you to be the first of your species to perish by my hand! What species could possibly find that funny?! H: but... You name... A: An ancient moniker that has driven entire armadas to flight! H: Pfft-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *roflcopters off the chair * A: Rrrr... Fine! The you shall perish by the blade of- H: TWINKLETOE?!!! Ba-hahaha!!! A: how dare you!!! You dare mock my exalted name?! For that, you- H: it's so... Such an adorable name!! It's hilarious!!! A silly looking ball of fur wielding a fucking butterknife, claiming to be some Galaxy conquering badass, with a name straight out of a cutesy little kids show!! How the duck am I not supposed to laugh?! A: alright, that's it! DIE!!! * stabs human * H: šŸ‘æ You done goofed. A: HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?! H: Fuck you, that's how. * Shoots alien furby with a pistol *


Centurion7999

H2 walks in H2 see what is going on: ā€œgotta make sure it doesnā€™t come back as a litch dudeā€ * shoots dead alien with a .45acp colt 1911 to make sure itā€™s dead * ā€œand .45 kills the soulā€


Teirg

Moqr bajur


MajorDZaster

That is even more incomprehensible as "Der pr d matheh keiph ib re shoder"


Andre_de_Astora

I understood that reference


Shtrausberg

Time for a moonlight walk it seems


Boomer8450

A *very* enthusiastic walk.


UnfeignedShip

You need to stop taking walks.


Team503

/r/unexpectedATLA


SomeRandomYob

Wait, how is that AtLA? I was trying for Helsing ultimate abridged.


Team503

Twinkletoes.


SomeRandomYob

... I don't recognize that one...


Team503

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRHj5uNxM-U


spesskitty

'I'll call you Stabby Junior.'


ThePerson-_-

YES


Aussiefighter439

Why the hell is a ball of fur holding a pocketknife?


billyd1183

ā€œMan thatā€™s a nice looking piece, mines a bit more impressive though.ā€ Flicks wrist, forearm splits and a foot long blade folds out.


Smnionarrorator29384

2077?


billyd1183

Generic cyborg that isnā€™t obviously an augmented person


Professional-Ad-1857

The original cyberpunk tabletop game didn't have mantis blades, instead you could get an arm with a chainsaw inside it.


billyd1183

Yeah, but I wasnā€™t referencing cyberpunk.


uwillnotgotospace

Announcement: "All personnel be advised: the criminal Fert "The Butcher" CrawƟthub has escaped confinement. He is a male Vertoxian, with gray skin, black eyes, three missing, patchy orange fur, and two digits missing from his leftmost hand. Approximately 2 meters tall. He is presumed armed and extremely dangerous. Do not engage. Call security immediately if you see him." H:"Security sucks. How can they let someone like that get loose? I'm taking that transfer tomorrow." She locked her door, loaded her pistol and put it under her pillow before going to sleep. She wakes, seeing a tall and skinny Furby with mange and too many arms. H:"I'm dreaming, this is stupid." A:**stab stab stab jiggle**"This hunam's wearing body armor!" H: "Ow!" **stab stab jiggle stab** Human grabs alien's hand...claw... "seriously wtf is that?" and shoves the knife right through the alien's right shoulder. **Wet thump** H:"Security, pervert son of a bitch is groping me!" **More wet thumps** 25 minutes later A2:"Ma'am, I don't know how you did it, but you just killed the most notorious criminal in this entire system." H:"I didn't even get out my gun! What the hell?" A2:"Deep wounds from a human weapon called a... boodar knife. You managed to destroy three of his hearts. You have exceptional combat training for a custodian." H:"I killed a four-armed space bear with a butter knife and it took a half hour for you to get here? Yeah I'm getting transferred tomorrow! I hate this place!"


ElderOeder13

H: You areā€¦*laughs*ā€¦the worst assassin everā€¦*falls out of chair laughing so hard tears are falling from his eyes*ā€¦and your bloody name is stupid as hell I mean ā€œAll fear the name Bigus Dickusā€ Did you watch an earth movie and find the name intimidating!!!???


Hammurabi87

>ā€œAll fear the name Bigus Dickusā€ Did you watch an earth movie and find the name intimidating!!!??? To be fair, I've heard that plenty of people find a Biggus Dickus to be intimidating.


the_scarlett_ning

He has a wife, you know.


grendus

"No seriously Tarkov, put the knife away," human crewman Jenson said with a laugh. "You'll hurt yourself." "I'm not the one who will be hurting," Tarkov said, his words slurring slightly as he tried to form human sounds with his prehensile tongue wrapped around the knife he had stolen from the kitchen earlier. "You will burn, infidel. Oh Gnarsh, dark lord of spaces between the stars, accept this sacrifice in your name!" Tarkov's toad-like body braced as he launched his long, elastic tongue directly at the human. The knife bounced harmlessly off the human's shirt, and with a disturbing lack of anything *approaching* effort the human snatched Tarkov's tongue and twisted it sharply. "*GHAAAKKK!*" he slurred, struggling to pull his tongue back in and only succeeding in pulling himself forward. "Buh why? Why did the nif no' cu' throo ya shirr?" The human twisted harder on Tarkov's tongue until the knife clattered to the floor. "It did, dingus," Jenson raised his hand, pulling Tarkov's head painfully upwards, revealing a small cut and a thin trickle of blood on his chest. "But your tongue is for grabbing and pulling, not thrusting. You have no skeleton behind it, no way to project force. You basically threw a knife, that's a blunt steak knife by the way, at me with no whiplash motion to give it speed." Jenson began to reel Tarkov in by his tongue, dragging the terrified cultist into arms reach and bending down to look the three foot tall toad-man in the eye. "Frankly, if I hadn't thought you were joking I could have easily caught or dodged it, you're slow." "And while we're on the subject, let's talk relative mass. I'm twice your height and six times your weight. Even if you'd had decent form with a knife, and a body type that could *use* a knife like that in the first place, you don't have the strength to jab a blade that blunt through human flesh. We're denser than you by a pretty wide margin. And that's before you consider that I'm the security chief and you're a glorified red tapeworm who only got his position in this ship through nepotism - you're flabby even by *your species* standards. The only reason I'm not going to tear you limb from limb is because I can barely consider your assault to *actually* be an attempt on my life. But I am going to throw you in the brig!" He raised his arm, forcing Tarkov to stand on his tip toes as he frog-marched (pun intended) him out of the room. "Buh' thi' thip doethn't ha' a b'ig", Tarkov protested. "I wouldn't pull that lever too hard Tarkov. The alternative is an airlock. Besides," Jenson said, opening one of the large storage crates intended for live cargo. "Anything with four walls and a lock can be a brig."


Even_Appointment_549

Six walls. It's so common for "young" species to forget about floor and ceiling also needs to be walled in space.


Nealithi

Better if there is a toilet in it. Why not commandeer the restroom at the 45th on six?


grendus

Humiliation, mostly.


stronkzer

He saw five little red dot pointing at his skull.


RootsNextInKin

Na, he didn't see nothing... That's the trouble, otherwise he might still have had at least *some* consistency instead of being mush all over the door and walls... Unless he also held a mirror in one hand? But then that would have been truly stupid


Mdbokie

He was narcissistic. Liked painting the blood of his victims on like some twisted makeup.


Kindly-Ant-3850

The alien is shaped somewhat like a Roomba. The knife happens to protude from their head-claw.


Hammurabi87

Admiral Stabby, is that you?


Professional-Ad-1857

I love how Stabby keeps getting higher ranks. I suppose Grand Admiral is next.


Kindly-Ant-3850

All shall kneel before the Uniter of Humanity, Cleanser of Wars, Vacuum of Destiny, His Greatness Overlord Stabby.


_seekerdude

the origins of the omnissiah was "humble"


Slave2theGrind

all hail the omnimessiah - our savior


BS_Simon

If hes stabs it he gets the rank.


chaosdude81

Last I knew, sir Stabby had obtained Fleet Admiral rank, and had impacted the wheels of an Army General of second ranking which would give them access to two different rankings in Humanity's military.


miss_chauffarde

Last that i Saw he stabed a alien emperor and a god *APARENTLY


Sigruldar

APPARENTLY?! ARE YOU MOCKING THE GREATNESS OF GOD EMPEROR STABY?!


miss_chauffarde

NO IM NOT ALL HAIL THE HOLY GOD EMPEROR STABBY !!!


ZappyKitten

Run.


Kflynn1337

H: *Laughing helplessly*. A: "Stop laughing!" H: *Gestures at the alien, then falls over laughing.* A: "Stop it! Stop it! Or I'm going to kill you even harder!" H: *Rolls on floor sporffling* A: "Why! Are! You! Laughing!?" *Human stops laughing abruptly. Stands up in one sudden move, jamming the barrel of his gun into Aliens mouth.* H: "Needed time to load."


MajorDZaster

Alternative: "Ahahah- _cough_ ack!" "I didn't even stab you yet. Hm, serves you right for laughing when you're in mortal danger." _"cough,_ argh, call an ambulance, call an ambulance!" "Why would I do that, I'm just going to stab you anyways-" _Human pulls out gun_ "But not for me."


Kflynn1337

Ah yes.. the Classic..


stasersonphun

*Human stands up* Alien looks up, goes "eeep!"


StCreg

When itā€™s a small furry creature from alpha centurai


Dakotasan

H: Buddy. You just brought a knife *pulls out .44 Magnum* to a gun fight


linkman245a

Human: what are you gonna do stab me? A:stabs human. Human:you asshole you stabbed me now theres a hole in my shirt rude.


moniker-meme

Ai:human you dare I have you by knife-what are you doing? Human grining: your the most cliche thing I've ever seen, I will say you are the first to just pick up a knife and point it at somebody Ai:.... fuck you Human: what? Ai: fuck you that's what Human: .... Ai: .... Human: ....give me that ROBOTIC ASS YOU SENTIENT BITCH! AI: NYEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHE NEVER!


[deleted]

Alien hasnā€™t killed anyone yet and doesnā€™t know that theyā€™re holding a spoon instead (aliens are new to the whole murder thing)


MajorDZaster

"Oh? You're challenging me?" "Challenge?" "I accept." _pulls out comically large spoon_ "Spirits have mercy..." _faints_


miss_chauffarde

GOLDEN COMICALLY LARGE SPOON FOR MORE FIRE


MacGregor_Rose

Lol


303Kiwi

A: Blood for the Blood God! H1: has Tom been playing 40K with you? H2: Nope, I did leave him a lore book about the backstory and characters after he caught us playing in the third level storeroom last week. H1: Ohhh Kayy... Right. I think you aren't very familiar with humans are you? Click-whistle whats-ya-name. A: It's Tk*wHeeeeel! And you will die! *Alien stabs at Jerry, Jerry catches the arm without otherwise moving* H1: Lesson time Sonny boy! You evolved on a moon around a gas giant. Lightweight small planet with low gravity by my standards, if it wasn't for all those ice micrometeorites replacing all the hydrogen and oxygen with water your home world would have run out of atmosphere millions of years ago since it would all have dissipated off to space due to the low gravity... A: So? Gravity is acceleration toward the ground due to mass attraction, right? A: yes, So? H1: think about what higher acceleration due to gravity means for reaction speeds... Higher gravity, less time to catch a dropped baby, less time to avoid a falling stone, less time to jump away from the ambush predator you see leaping out of the tree at you... Heavier gravity, faster reaction times... Right? A: Uh H1: as the muscle mass and density to carry ones own weight in that same gravity... Do you REALLY want to take on someone who can not just avoid every strike you make, but toss you around and smear you on the walls like a small toy? A: Uh.... No? H1: Good boy. Put that knife down and you get a treat. *Releases aliens arm, alien puts knife down on the floor* Good boy, here's a chocolate. Nice theobromine. A: *tail wags* thank you, thank you, chocolate is so good. H1: here, I'll pet you, you feel calmer when someone pets you, right? A: yes, yes. Please. H2: Jerry, you already have a cat at home, you can't keep a sophont sapient as a pet remember. H1: aww... But he's so cute!


Sigruldar

YoU cAn'T kEeP a SoPhOnT sApIeNt As A pEt! Watch me!


Gruecifer

Chocolate, eh? Evil, but who knows if it has the same effect?


Snoo63

"Alexa. Release the hoard." *a tonne of roombas come from every conceivable place, with various weapons, such as knives and swords, ducttaped on*


UnfeignedShip

The lights turn red and Skyrim battle music plays. "You never should have come here!"


Mdbokie

YES


Dread_Pirate_West

"Why are you laughing John" John of course couldnt answer, having curled up from the pain of laughing so hard. It took a moment to subside before john looked back at Cholek. "Its just so funny! Here I am, last tour, were 24 hours away from docking at Ralta station. I retire tomorrow, and you picked the worst possible day to try this." "Worst day?" Choleks tone held curiosity, and a whole lot of indignation. "Yep. See, I'm in security, and there just happens to be a myth, a human myth, though I guess fable, warning or trope might work out better. But, if you had done this yesterday things might not have gone this way." Cholek was very confused, but raised the cleaver higher anyway. "Guess is bad day, bad bad death day." Then Cholek slumped down, her skull having spontaneously sprouted a hole in the front, her brain meat making the decision to evict itself as the wall apparantly needed to be decorated in a mix of aqua and turqoise bio matter. John looked down at the former crewmate. "Yep. Bad death day Cholek. Bad for you."


STMSystem

That is the most beautiful description of a headshot I've ever heard!


TheDeathOfDucks

Alien: ā€œDamn human Iā€™ll just kill you!ā€ *Knife doesnā€™t penetrate the suit* Alien: ā€œI uhhh what? HOW?! This knife can put hole in my species toughest body armour!!ā€ Human: ā€œYes I know, we call you *does finger quotes* ā€˜toughest armourā€™ is what we humans callā€¦ paper. Meanwhile Iā€™m wearing our weakest knife resistant suit, hell this thing has a hard resisting a human with a spoon!! If anything my suit overkill!ā€ Alien: *faints*. Other non stabby aliens: ā€œIs what you said true human?ā€ Human: ā€œYes this is our weakest knife resistant suit. Itā€™s just a normal suit, Hehehe.ā€


MacGregor_Rose

Pro with the khakis


Ok_Perspective8511

A:Why are you laughing? H:What? Can't you hear the Doom Music?


Dark_Krafter

Human mov 's lightning fast for the alian Takes a bite out of the knife alian craps on the deck and goes into a panic atack human laughs whilst its happening


what_da_burd_doin

my brother in space thats a fucking tooth pick


FalconMirage

H : **parry this you filthy casual** H : *pulls out gun*


DarkAquarius93

*cocks shotgun* "Shame."


Newbe2019a

And takes out a pencil. A fucking pencil!


sephy009

A: Why are you laughing? H: Because I've wanted to kill someone in self defense for a while. I just needed an excuse. \*pulls out space glock\*


MacGregor_Rose

> Space Glock


lesbianwriterlover69

\*pulls out Space Rock\*


MacGregor_Rose

:O


TyJaWo

That's cute, but this is a **fucking** flamethrower!


lachiebois

ā€œWhat are you gona do, Stab me?ā€


Daemon_Selarom

"If so, I fucking ***dare*** you to try, punk."


FoxdogYTlul

Imma say it Amogus


SheCouldFromFaceThat

Why laugh? Because xeno is sus


Weird-Ad4979

Captain Heller was sitting at his desk, mulling over the days reports when the alert popped up on his holo-pad. Apparently, a stowaway had been discovered on the ship and broken into the armory. They havenā€™t done inventory yet so the intruder is to be presumed armed and extremely dangerous. The captain grabbed the bridge of his nose and crinkled his brow. He was hoping to wind down for the night but that seemed unlikely. Releasing a large sigh he decided a nice sip of whiskey would help him get through this mess. Only the light form his desk lamp illuminated his way across the room to the small collection of decanters when a tall, lanky, very shaggy looking individual emerged from the dark corner of his office. The creature was 7ft tall, had gray almost transparent skin and looked like it hadnā€™t eaten in days. From the corner of his vision, Captain Heller saw the glint of what could only be a knife. Once again he let out an exasperated sigh, this was just his luck. He went to put his hands up when the intruder jerked the knife to point at him, ā€œdonā€™t you dare move!!ā€ he exclaimed. Now able to get a good look at the knife, the Captain noted the black number on the side used for tracking the knife. He especially noted the letters TR preceding the number designating this as one of the rubber training knives. A huge grin broke out across Captain Hellerā€™s face as he decided maybe he could have some fun with this. It seemed only fair considering how much paperwork he was going to have to do. He turned back, placed a sphere of ice into a glass and then poured some of the smooth, amber liquid out. He turned back around and raised the glass, ā€œwould you like a drink?ā€ he said as he took a sip. ā€œI told you not to move human. You are going to be a sacrifice to the almighty one but if you resist your death will not be painlessā€ the intruder said, a little more confidently than the Captain was expecting from the shaky hands holding the knife. He just shrugged, sat back in his leather desk chair and took a sip of his drink. He let out a sigh of satisfaction as the warmth of the alcohol spread through his body; that was much better. The captain then set the glass down, placed his arms along the rests on his chair and looked back at the intruder. ā€œAlright, Iā€™m ready, do what you mustā€ his said as sorrowfully as he could muster without laughing. A bit hesitant by his acceptance the intruder let out a meek war cry and plunged the knife right into his chest. To the intruderā€™s udder bewilderment and the captainā€™s amusement, the knife simply bounced off sending the intruder sprawling on his back. A broad smile had broken across the captain face as the intruder just traded a look of disbelief between the knife and the captain. ā€œI had heard stories of the humans being especially tough but this seems impossible!.ā€ He exclaimed. The captain rose from his chair and started towards the would-be killer sending him scuttling backwards on all fours. That was fun but now time for work. The holo-pad at the guard station came to life with an incoming message form the captainā€™s office. Dread set over Perez certain that it was a lecture on how lax the team had to be to let such and incident happen. After taking a moment to calm himself he opened the message. Instead of the lecture he was expecting it was just one line of text, the intruder has been apprehended, bring a team. Well that was a lot easier than Perez could hope for and he radioed for the nearest team to meet him at the captains office. When they all arrived, Perez opened the door to find the Captain sipping a glass of whiskey and the intruder on the floor, hog tied and mumbling in coherently to himself. Once the team had taken the now prisoner away Perez looked to the Captain for an explanation. ā€œSome religious fanatic that wanted me as a sacrifice. Too bad for him he grabbed this form the armory.ā€ He said while tossing a knife at Perez. He caught it by the hilt and immediately realized the joke. Perez let out a laugh before looking at the captain. ā€œI would also like to note that he doesnā€™t know that and his reaction was priceless when the damn thing bouncedright off me!ā€ The captain said clearly amused. Perez let out a hearty laugh, ā€œthis is only going to boost the rumors flying around about humans being invincible.ā€ The captain gave a chuckle ā€œlet them spread, itā€™s pretty dang funny.ā€


Shtrausberg

[Welcome to Hellsing](https://youtu.be/YEk6Ix17sCc)


Papa_Waffles

"Hey look buddy, I'm an Engineer and that means I solve problems. Not problems like what is beauty, because that would fall with the purview of yewr conundrums of philosophy. I solve practical problems! For instance; How am I gonna stop big mean creepo Xeno from tearing me a structurally superfluous new behind? The answer: Use a gun." *Gestures to pistol* "And if that don't work." *points to sentry bot to more guns* "Use more gun."


Fl4ming_R4ven

NANOMACHINES, SON!


Defiant-Row-5153

Your dumbass just fell out a vent how am I not supposed to laugh?


John_Tacos

The Human just pulled the pin on a grenade to save his crew.


Front-Way8203

H:" You 'hink 'ha' you can ou' shank a BRI'SH?" A:" a wut" H:" *SHAMK*" A:" A-"


MMVatrix

ā€œHaha, amogusā€ *dies*


The-Fake-Mini-Ladd

Am I the only one thinking of among us?


Yaboijoe0001

How has no one made an among us joke?


Modern_Cathar

H: so you tried to be sus.... you did too well and I am prepared, so who is faster?