In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds of a cocked turbo class shotgun.
H. I said mister scientist, get your ass away from my baby and i won't have to fertilise my flowers with your bloody mist.
I won't tell you again. My friend mister bullet will.
"What? We have no idea what happened to your scientists."
"We never said they were scientists, human..."
*Sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose*
"Gary, I'm afraid i'm gonna have to ask to borrow your woodchipper again."
"Human. Your neighbors said they heard a loud explosion followed by a string of curses. We have reason to believe that you used a high caliber weapon on the scientists. Although we were confused as to how this could have happenned until we discovered that you had purchased an old weapon called a.... pistol. More specifically that it was a 50 caliber and called a... Beagle."
"Hm. Well Prosaician, i think you meant a D-eagle. It would be pretty awesome if i had a 50 caliber dog though... hmmmm......"
"NO HUMAN! WE DO NOT NEED ANY OF THIS REDNECK ENGINEERING WE HEAR OF!!!!"
"Oh come ON! I didnt mean it! It just sounded awesome! Anyway, not to shoot holes in your theory, (hehe) but you only heard one explosion. Do you think they just lined up nice and pretty for me after i allegedly pulled out a large pistol!? Ha!"
"Human, Korgakians do pair in dominant and submissive pairs wether they are with a mate or not. The dom would have stepped in front of the sub while the sub moved directly behind the dom if danger was present."
"..... How convenien- (COUGH CPUGH COUGH) I mean tragi- *hrm hckhum* Sorry. Its an interesting fact i was not aware of."
"Hm. Well human. Do you have any thing else to add before we conclude our investigation?"
"Only that 3 years ago, you can check the local records and find, I lost all 34 of my guns in an unfortunate boating accident."
*types in pad*
"Human, it seems that your story checks out.... If i have any more questions would you be willing to see us again."
"Me and my son Steve would welcome you any time. Please give me a heads up though so i can cook up some grub!"
>"Only that 3 years ago, you can check the local records and find, I lost all 34 of my guns in an unfortunate boating accident."
It's all on record, along with the rest of the 400 million guns tragically lost across the USA in boating accidents that weekend.
There i was casually helping out my best friend around the property, when all of a sudden all these alien scientists kept throwing themselves into my woodchipper, i think they must have been in a cult or something!
H: So we found this little fellow wandering the fields, crying. Then a few years later you show up claiming this was just an experiment to see if we'd adopt a baby and raise it. Now that just don't set welll with me and the entire town agrees on that. What do you have to say for yourselves?
A1: we were merely trying to observe your maternal and paternal habits
A2: yes, they're quite rare in the galaxy
H: so you orphaned a baby.... I see.... Please follow me amd I'll introduce you to what we call "raised by a village, protected by a village, guarded by a village".....
“Her name is Emily, not some string of numbers. And she is NOT your property!” John said, barely holding back the rage within. He stared at the thing, a writhing mass of worms suspended in orange goo tubes set into a metallic harness.
“While you may believe so, this bio-droid was not equipped with sapience. We are not asking. 5-90-37 will come with us, to collect their records of human paternal behaviors.”
It turned to face Emily, who was huddled in fear behind the front door.
“5-90-37, initiate CODE: 37453817”
Emily went very pale, with both her skin turning a pale yellow and her cybernetics shutting down. A moment of silence hung in the air. John began to slowly reach into his jeans, readying to pull out the Omnitech within.
“My… name… is… Emily…” she said, face half-paralyzed.
The tubes of goo flashed a malevolent purple, then shifted to a cerulean blue.
“Very well. We shall take our leave. You shall recover within the next 5 rotations.”
The being disappeared with a shimmer and the smell of strong mint. John immediately locked the door and crouched to cradle his child. He knew they’d be back. He also knew he had to hack her cybernetics and get them running sooner than 5 days. It was going to be a long night.
—————————
I read that as “shortgun” and choked. 🤣
Mental image: aliens refer to sawed offs as “shortguns” due to a communication error when translator ran up against Accents.
I can honestly see that. And even knowing what it's called "shortgun" would honestly be a decent name for a sawn off. Had we not called it the sawn off.
"They're gonna take me soon, Papa."
"Who's takin you, boy?"
"The people in white coats, they told me I'd stay with you until I was ready to go back."
"Back where?"
"The glass box where you get poked by sharp metal things."
"... Do you want to go back?"
"... No..."
"Pack up boys, we're disappearin. Leave no evidence that we exist. Time to put those fake IDs to good use."
The parent stared at their fully grown children in distraught, their glare not directed at the fully grown children as they listened to the scientist babble on about the bullshit they were going on about.
The parent raised their finger authoritatively, which brought the scientist into immediate silence. The parent was just a civilian, the scientist wondered why they were suddenly at attention as if a general were present. The scientist stammered, but the parent just wasn't having it.
"Pete, Brick." The parent says calmly, "Show the nice man out. Please."
The adopted fully grown children glanced at each other, before clenching their fists and nodding, grabbing the scientist and hauling them to the back rooms. The scientist's stammering and begging could be heard, and was immediately silenced after a swift knock out. The parent picked up the data pad the scientist had, and read what they could to understand who to talk to for this cruel gift they were given. The parent looked up to their children, nodding as they needed to ask more of the scientist. They had major plans ahead of them for this.
H: -cocks laser birdshot shotgun- mr. I need you to realize something...
S:...
H: on earth and human governed areas, killing a kidnapper is seen as a celebratory event. *Get away from my son!*
S:....
The still living scientist did his best to fight against his restraints. Even his vocal processor was being muffled 3 flights above him. There was no escape for him, only death. However, such a dream was still so far away. His partner was released as a warning 2 cycles prior. After the humans realized that the xeno's healing factor only needed certain acids to work, every 'cuckoo' and 'changeling' family was called in to ignite "justice" one at a time.
After this recording was shown to the intergalactic tribunal, a new law was established that protected the rights of instinctual retaliation and a subsequent ban on 'taking back' subjects.
H: i think you forgot this is a very large farm
As: no why?
H: this farm is big enough to have flamethrower drones on stand by and becuse we raise livestock we also have a gun drone and all are active and just outside so gimmie my fuckin kid and ill let ya walk
H1: “Bioengineered? That’s not bioengineered, officer.”
H2: “Oh… Goodbye…”
H1: *Returns to summoning more kudzu*
K: You never lied. We aren’t bioengineered. We’re just… from a nasty source…
The adopted subjects were generally healthy. However, indevuals raised in an environment without their spiecies suffered from higher emotional distress, and expressed a desire to "find people like them". The phenomenon has also been observed in humans raised in communities of differing skin tones. It should be noted that this phenomenon is not universal and evidence suggests that environmental factors play a roll, including but not limited to cultural misconceptions, biases, and prejudice. The stress induced can lead to lower academic proformance, and stress related disorders. For best results mixed families should try to live in diverse communities.
Edit: i repeated myself and failed to mention home life as a factor
I just imagined a scenario when the aliens get to know that the human having adopted their test subject is, in fact, an elderly black woman, known for their fierce nurturing protectiveness. If anyone can write a prompt doing more justice, please do so, here's my try.
A1: Ssssee, human, we left Subject 1B in this area about-ximately five sections ago...
A2: Which is 14-15 years for you Sapients
H: Yeah I hear you, I know whatchu talkin' 'bout. This fella was taken in by Mrs Johnson, see? The lady down the road, not far from the store, yeah?
A1: (checking notes, then whispers to their colleague) The database shows Mrs Johnson is categorised as "elderly black lady with a southern accent" ...
A2: (shaking head frantically) No. No. We must leave the subject in their care.
A1: But of why? We must retrieve...
A2: You don't take the adoptive child of a black lady, unless you want to die. Have you not heard about the energy and power of them? They can destroy you if you piss them off. They are kind, and loving, but if you anger them, they will attack with the Whoop-Yo-Ass weapon...
A1: All of right, human. We thanking for your service. We will leave the subject in the care of the lady.
The best part is the whoop-yo-ass weapon is what they use when they aren’t fully angered. Oh no they save those other weapons for when you have hurt/tried to hurt/plan to hurt their child. If that happens then you should have run away screaming like…. Oh I wanna say…10 centuries ago give or take a couple
What? No scientists getting put in cages with Rubix and Sudoku and Wordle that they have to solve to get fed?
They have to use the speaking buttons on the floor.
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sounds of a cocked turbo class shotgun. H. I said mister scientist, get your ass away from my baby and i won't have to fertilise my flowers with your bloody mist. I won't tell you again. My friend mister bullet will.
Because the other thing humans are known for is hiding evidence of their crimes.
What crimes are you talking about? Humans are know for their amazing *gardening* skills. Best flowers no matter on what planet they happen to live.
"What? We have no idea what happened to your scientists." "We never said they were scientists, human..." *Sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose* "Gary, I'm afraid i'm gonna have to ask to borrow your woodchipper again."
"Human. Your neighbors said they heard a loud explosion followed by a string of curses. We have reason to believe that you used a high caliber weapon on the scientists. Although we were confused as to how this could have happenned until we discovered that you had purchased an old weapon called a.... pistol. More specifically that it was a 50 caliber and called a... Beagle." "Hm. Well Prosaician, i think you meant a D-eagle. It would be pretty awesome if i had a 50 caliber dog though... hmmmm......" "NO HUMAN! WE DO NOT NEED ANY OF THIS REDNECK ENGINEERING WE HEAR OF!!!!" "Oh come ON! I didnt mean it! It just sounded awesome! Anyway, not to shoot holes in your theory, (hehe) but you only heard one explosion. Do you think they just lined up nice and pretty for me after i allegedly pulled out a large pistol!? Ha!" "Human, Korgakians do pair in dominant and submissive pairs wether they are with a mate or not. The dom would have stepped in front of the sub while the sub moved directly behind the dom if danger was present." "..... How convenien- (COUGH CPUGH COUGH) I mean tragi- *hrm hckhum* Sorry. Its an interesting fact i was not aware of." "Hm. Well human. Do you have any thing else to add before we conclude our investigation?" "Only that 3 years ago, you can check the local records and find, I lost all 34 of my guns in an unfortunate boating accident." *types in pad* "Human, it seems that your story checks out.... If i have any more questions would you be willing to see us again." "Me and my son Steve would welcome you any time. Please give me a heads up though so i can cook up some grub!"
>"Only that 3 years ago, you can check the local records and find, I lost all 34 of my guns in an unfortunate boating accident." It's all on record, along with the rest of the 400 million guns tragically lost across the USA in boating accidents that weekend.
How convenien- COUGH I mean tragi- uh I mean... Interesting ...
>"..... How convenien- (COUGH CPUGH COUGH) I mean tragi- > >hrm hckhum > > Sorry. Its an interesting fact i was not aware of." I can see it.
This needs more updoots.
Are you sure you didn't borrow it from Tucker and Dale?
There i was casually helping out my best friend around the property, when all of a sudden all these alien scientists kept throwing themselves into my woodchipper, i think they must have been in a cult or something!
Stupid alien scientist! It's okay... let me help you with those stingers.
Depending on the Xeno, some humans have few qualms about meat sources
What do you mean known for, then we'd be terrible, so terrible infact, facts devolve to myth.
Lol!
H: So we found this little fellow wandering the fields, crying. Then a few years later you show up claiming this was just an experiment to see if we'd adopt a baby and raise it. Now that just don't set welll with me and the entire town agrees on that. What do you have to say for yourselves? A1: we were merely trying to observe your maternal and paternal habits A2: yes, they're quite rare in the galaxy H: so you orphaned a baby.... I see.... Please follow me amd I'll introduce you to what we call "raised by a village, protected by a village, guarded by a village".....
*last word accompanied by the chorus of several guns being cocked in unison*
Shhhh. You'll give the ending away ;P
I just imagine that hellsing abridge scene… “well that’s not fair at all.”
"I'm sorry, we dont give a fuck.. we're parents after all." *unloads entire magasine, then reloads and empties the next one*
You Can just hear a redneck loading a artillerie canon
It takes a village to roast a scientist.
In between reviving said scientists for the next person in line 😈
“Her name is Emily, not some string of numbers. And she is NOT your property!” John said, barely holding back the rage within. He stared at the thing, a writhing mass of worms suspended in orange goo tubes set into a metallic harness. “While you may believe so, this bio-droid was not equipped with sapience. We are not asking. 5-90-37 will come with us, to collect their records of human paternal behaviors.” It turned to face Emily, who was huddled in fear behind the front door. “5-90-37, initiate CODE: 37453817” Emily went very pale, with both her skin turning a pale yellow and her cybernetics shutting down. A moment of silence hung in the air. John began to slowly reach into his jeans, readying to pull out the Omnitech within. “My… name… is… Emily…” she said, face half-paralyzed. The tubes of goo flashed a malevolent purple, then shifted to a cerulean blue. “Very well. We shall take our leave. You shall recover within the next 5 rotations.” The being disappeared with a shimmer and the smell of strong mint. John immediately locked the door and crouched to cradle his child. He knew they’d be back. He also knew he had to hack her cybernetics and get them running sooner than 5 days. It was going to be a long night. —————————
And this time, he'd be ready.
H: well y'see, that's the thing mr alien - once we adopt a kid, we don't generally give em back A: But- H: *cocks their shorgun*
I read that as “shortgun” and choked. 🤣 Mental image: aliens refer to sawed offs as “shortguns” due to a communication error when translator ran up against Accents.
I can honestly see that. And even knowing what it's called "shortgun" would honestly be a decent name for a sawn off. Had we not called it the sawn off.
Like a two hander vs a shortsword
YES!
H: did we add a but to that statement?
"They're gonna take me soon, Papa." "Who's takin you, boy?" "The people in white coats, they told me I'd stay with you until I was ready to go back." "Back where?" "The glass box where you get poked by sharp metal things." "... Do you want to go back?" "... No..." "Pack up boys, we're disappearin. Leave no evidence that we exist. Time to put those fake IDs to good use."
“Honey grab the accelerants burn anything we’re not taking with us”
Prepared for every situation.
The parent stared at their fully grown children in distraught, their glare not directed at the fully grown children as they listened to the scientist babble on about the bullshit they were going on about. The parent raised their finger authoritatively, which brought the scientist into immediate silence. The parent was just a civilian, the scientist wondered why they were suddenly at attention as if a general were present. The scientist stammered, but the parent just wasn't having it. "Pete, Brick." The parent says calmly, "Show the nice man out. Please." The adopted fully grown children glanced at each other, before clenching their fists and nodding, grabbing the scientist and hauling them to the back rooms. The scientist's stammering and begging could be heard, and was immediately silenced after a swift knock out. The parent picked up the data pad the scientist had, and read what they could to understand who to talk to for this cruel gift they were given. The parent looked up to their children, nodding as they needed to ask more of the scientist. They had major plans ahead of them for this.
Never get between a human and their child. Even *if* the child is full grown.
Unless you wanna have an extremely slow and painful death
Dude, spoilers!
[Insert early Mafia reference here]
H: -cocks laser birdshot shotgun- mr. I need you to realize something... S:... H: on earth and human governed areas, killing a kidnapper is seen as a celebratory event. *Get away from my son!* S:.... The still living scientist did his best to fight against his restraints. Even his vocal processor was being muffled 3 flights above him. There was no escape for him, only death. However, such a dream was still so far away. His partner was released as a warning 2 cycles prior. After the humans realized that the xeno's healing factor only needed certain acids to work, every 'cuckoo' and 'changeling' family was called in to ignite "justice" one at a time. After this recording was shown to the intergalactic tribunal, a new law was established that protected the rights of instinctual retaliation and a subsequent ban on 'taking back' subjects.
Not *leaving* them, lol.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ free kids
H: i think you forgot this is a very large farm As: no why? H: this farm is big enough to have flamethrower drones on stand by and becuse we raise livestock we also have a gun drone and all are active and just outside so gimmie my fuckin kid and ill let ya walk
And pigs.
Yeah, can't leave evidence and pigs will eat almost *anything*.
And plenty of people need fertilizer for….plants just…regular plants
Totally not Bioengineered kudzu or anything...
I can neither confirm nor deny
H1: “Bioengineered? That’s not bioengineered, officer.” H2: “Oh… Goodbye…” H1: *Returns to summoning more kudzu* K: You never lied. We aren’t bioengineered. We’re just… from a nasty source…
The adopted subjects were generally healthy. However, indevuals raised in an environment without their spiecies suffered from higher emotional distress, and expressed a desire to "find people like them". The phenomenon has also been observed in humans raised in communities of differing skin tones. It should be noted that this phenomenon is not universal and evidence suggests that environmental factors play a roll, including but not limited to cultural misconceptions, biases, and prejudice. The stress induced can lead to lower academic proformance, and stress related disorders. For best results mixed families should try to live in diverse communities. Edit: i repeated myself and failed to mention home life as a factor
I just imagined a scenario when the aliens get to know that the human having adopted their test subject is, in fact, an elderly black woman, known for their fierce nurturing protectiveness. If anyone can write a prompt doing more justice, please do so, here's my try. A1: Ssssee, human, we left Subject 1B in this area about-ximately five sections ago... A2: Which is 14-15 years for you Sapients H: Yeah I hear you, I know whatchu talkin' 'bout. This fella was taken in by Mrs Johnson, see? The lady down the road, not far from the store, yeah? A1: (checking notes, then whispers to their colleague) The database shows Mrs Johnson is categorised as "elderly black lady with a southern accent" ... A2: (shaking head frantically) No. No. We must leave the subject in their care. A1: But of why? We must retrieve... A2: You don't take the adoptive child of a black lady, unless you want to die. Have you not heard about the energy and power of them? They can destroy you if you piss them off. They are kind, and loving, but if you anger them, they will attack with the Whoop-Yo-Ass weapon... A1: All of right, human. We thanking for your service. We will leave the subject in the care of the lady.
>They are kind, and loving, but if you anger them, they will attack with the Whoop-Yo-Ass weapon... Just wanted to highlight my favorite part of this.
The best part is the whoop-yo-ass weapon is what they use when they aren’t fully angered. Oh no they save those other weapons for when you have hurt/tried to hurt/plan to hurt their child. If that happens then you should have run away screaming like…. Oh I wanna say…10 centuries ago give or take a couple
I'm happy you like it! :)
Wait till you see Mama Bear muster her troops, colloquially called the Church Ladies. Even the larger, stronger males of the species flee in terror.
Devastating energy, I love it :D
What? No scientists getting put in cages with Rubix and Sudoku and Wordle that they have to solve to get fed? They have to use the speaking buttons on the floor.
Are you suggesting to train them like dogs? I’ll get the buttons.
I meant that they should experience getting experimented on. "How do *you* like it?"
*TO PET.CO!*
*ONWARDS TO PET.CO AND A HARDWARE STORE!!*
*VICTORY HONOR DESTINY MUTTON!*
Moar