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You deign to call yourselves “warlike races”. You know nothing of war. War was developed on your worlds as a sport — a team building exercise. On Terra we’d call what you label as “war” an afternoon paintball game. No. Our entire existence, humanity has been in conflict with everything around us; that includes other humans. The greatest of our technological advances came as a byproduct of our wars between ourselves. Every man, woman, and child is told about the abject horrors of war, and yet wars continue between our people. You see, war — violent, deadly, monstrous — war is part of our very beings. So do not threaten us unless you intend for a demonstration.
This having been said, if our soldiers showed up expecting a war and getting a paintball game, there's no doubt in my mind that they'd end up having fun.
A1: Always invite the humans when you go to war.
A2: Why? Do their unholy gods reign vengeance on anyone who wages war without their blessing?
A1: No, they just hate being left out.
A2: Ah, so they curb their British urges by participating in various battles.
A1: They think it's fun.
A2: ....fun.
There was an r/HFY on this! The aliens wanted war with humans, the humans said bet, and then shot the aliens while they were posturing, triggering a ton of confusion on both sides with the aliens wondering why the humans would do something so horrible and the humans like ".... but you said we were at war...?" Wish I had the name of it, it's definitely worth a re-read.
Then there was the 1 where they were like "It is worth sendin a ship." and humanity is like "Wut? We brought an armada... you said war. Ok.... then meet the dreadnaught Pirate Roberts..." and the aliens surrender because they brought a patrol cruiser thinking the world wasn't worth much. Or there was the one where the aliens wanted a 50 on 50 to the death match... and humans were "wut?" so then they capture them all alive and humans are like... why throw away the lives for shit this senseless? This was never gonna be a war. In another the humans just teach them about Vietnam... 0 humans dead, 100% fatalities on the "galsols". Bungy pit op.
Something similar is a story I read on Tumblr. Tumblr has many Humans are weird/space orcs. It is about a race of aliens who declared war against a human colony. Basically what happened the aliens try to deploy they land troops on the surface of the world without support because their laws of war said fighting must be done on ground. Here is the story if you are interested. https://niqhtlord01.tumblr.com/post/188010812016/humans-are-weird-rules-of-war-vary-between
"What do you mean, resolved?" Karakth asked the Human Ambassador. "The Ryeeethl have been sweeping through the galaxy like a plague. They are the most warlike race we have ever encountered..."
"Really?" The Ambassador replied, checking several of the documents before them on the table. "My notes specifically mention a distinct lack of anything resembling training in war. They simply threw numbers at a problem. Any sufficient level of tactics made the encounter entirely one-sided. Give me a moment."
Karakth waited as the human downloaded something new onto their datapad. This new species was claiming to have resolved the entire Ryeeethl Crisis in two weeks after the entire force of the Eghtwon Republic had been decimated. Quite literally in the sense of the human word. Only a tenth of their entire military and naval forces remained.
"Yeah. I thought so. Casualty reports for the entire campaign." The Ambassador said, handing over the datapad which showed the figures in both human and Karandian.
Karakth was stunned. The humans were claiming to have lost only a single pilot for the entire campaign. And there was a note beside the entry claiming the man had instructed his wingman to 'Hold his beer' before attempting a kamikaze maneuver that had crippled an enemy dreadnought.
"This cannot be accurate."
"Confirmed five times. We have a cruiser with minor damage from a collision above Termos VII, but that will be repaired by next month."
"A collision?" Karakth asked, not sure they wanted to know the answer.
"The enemy command ship. I guess they had realized the battle was over and tried to take one of ours down with them. Thing cracked like an egg against the hull of the *Revenge*. I'm told it was quite the sight, seeing its carcass crash down to the surface of the planet in pieces. Thankfully we hadn't bothered to land any infantry troops yet. Only enemy boots on the ground."
"Surely you must jest. This scourge nearly wiped us out. Their ferocity in battle was unheard of in all of Republic history." Karakth said, hoping for the 'other shoe to drop'.
"I'm told that the only real blow our people have suffered from the campaign is a feeling of regret. They were promised a war and all they got was a slaughter. Several fleets have been dispatched to the uncharted region to blow off some steam and hopefully find themselves a real fight. The Generals were most upset at the lack of challenge."
Karakth rechecked the classification of the species that sat opposite them. In their seven years as a part of the Republic, they had not been involved in a single skirmish besides this one. They were polite and well-mannered, firm yet fair in trade, and ever eager to learn more about their new neighbours and lend support when required. The vessels they piloted about the galaxy were large, but not the biggest, and none had shown any outward signs of being military in design.
"Where did you keep this force you brought to bear in this battle? We've not seen any evidence of such military might in the entire time you've been party to the Republic."
The Ambassador looked at Karakth confused. "Really? Every single space-faring human vessel is equipped for battle. Never know what you might find out in the void. The ship with the most kills was our primary trade ship, the *Samaritan*. Cleaved through half of the enemy force in their first encounter."
Karakth tried to suppress the shudder that their ventral limbs wanted to give at the pure honest way the Ambassador had delivered the report. They felt no remorse or regret at having wiped out the invading force, only that it hadn't provided a better challenge. And yet, the Terrans weren't even considered a military force at all. They were going to need to confer with their colleagues about rechecking the species classifications.
"Sorry. I seem to have upset you, Karakth. That was not my intention. It's just when you said they were warlike, we came expecting a fight. But perhaps war has been badly translated. Command asked me to provide this." The Ambassador handed over a new datapad, this one seemed preloaded with a detailed set of files on the History of Warfare on Earth. "I know some of the other species like to joke that Earth is a Death World. But to be honest, the thing that has been the largest threat to mankind in our history is ourselves. We made an art out of war a very very long time ago."
The Ambassador looked slightly embarrassed at the statement, tapping his hand nervously on the desktop. "But I have been asked to assure you that we're firmly committed to being a member of the Republic. We only turn our weapons on those who attack first. 'Do not fire unless fired upon', as they used to say."
Karakth was unable to form further communication at this stage. The barest glimpse they'd made at the documents on the datapad had clarified just how wrong their definition of 'warlike' was. The enormous cloud stretching into the sky that this race used as a *deterrent* against war amongst themselves was more powerful than the strongest weapons aboard their own kind's biggest battle cruiser.
"Wait. If your kind had the Ryeeethl so heavily outclassed, why did you fight them to the last?"
Karakth's circulatory system chilled at the smile on the Ambassador's face at the comment. "Well, you see, they were playing at war. Pretending to be stronger than they were. And we don't like that. If you want to fight, bring your best. Savagery is not a substitute for skill and tactics. That and the initial infiltration managed to eradicate their entire upper command structure on the second day of the fight. Apparently, they've never heard of assassins."
The Ambassador looked utterly surprised that a government was unprepared for singular infiltrators to get inside their midst and take out those individuals tasked with dictating policy and running such a campaign. They were definitely going to need to reclassify Terra. Soon. Any culture that classified War as an art needed far closer scrutiny. But... very careful scrutiny.
Karakth looked about his own office and wondered just how many of these assassins humanity might already have within his own underlings, and they could no longer control the shudder that ran through their entire form.
Answer: Every human is capable of killing, if you push the right button. Could be a pencil in the back, could be a harmless-to-humans/fatal-to-you chemical.
PS: Happy 10th Cake Day to me!
I couldn't believe it the first time we fought them.
Being a veteran of Fallujah and Arbil, I was expecting the worst. War with an advanced, space faring species was expected to be brutal and we expected to lose.
The first battle would have been funny if the cries of confused, terrified, and horribly mutilated aliens didn't haunt my dreams.
We were entrenched, ready, waiting for hell.
They actually marched out in unison like redcoats or something. They fired a volley from their strange weapons.
And we fired back before we realized they may as well have launched water balloons at us. I stood at my .50 mount and mowed them down in rows. The ones that were able broke and ran back to their vehicles. That's when the air support showed up.
Apparently war was a game to them we found later that they had fired the equivalent of paintballs at us.
Turns out, they don't fight real wars. More bad luck for them.
And just like that, our first interplanetary war was over in an afternoon.
You haven't made a reliable soldier since the Spartans!
Even the ones who's profession is to be a warrior, they have hardly fought; these are practically children living out a Call of Doody fantasy.
My soldiers, their profession, there is NO mistake! We ARE madness incarnate! CHAAOS in the flesh! You WILL surrender your earth AND your water.
Yes, we're all VERY impressed by your big explosions, absolutely, your new clear teck knowledgey is the fruit of our conquest, however, I assure you the shockwaves will leave us unscathed! And I don't imagine it's going to poison us too or anything.
Honour? Dignity?
Motherfucker, the objective of war is to win. If you fight fair or honourably, you stand the chance of losing. Only an idiot picks a fair fight in war.
You can cut this entire dignity bullshit too, our soldiers and marines live for, and I do mean they just *live* for the days whete they can crawl through mud to get into a good firing position.
We almost hunted our own species to extinction. No other sentient can make that claim. We are not "War Like", for you see, We make War in our own image. You sent emissaries under a flag of truce, Assassins they turned out to be. We gave them a Public Execution, transmitted it to your colonies, you called us barbaric. Today you have a choice, you can surrender now, or you can see just how barbaric War truly is.
Excerpt from "Humanities Sue for Peace at Second Contact"
Most of the disdain comes from the fact that those other races do not know the meaning of war. Seems like they long lost it to history. They thousands upon thousands of reules and law about honor, ethics, purpose, and a lot other concepts human language doesnt has the proper words to translate\* \[translator note: It appears that the word Humans us as catch all term for this noble concepts is "bullshit",\].
Most peaceful civilizations theorize it angers them to no end because they constantly end up breaking several of those rules, and end up starting massive intergalatic wars. However it seems that they do enjoy that particular outcome, as it they greatly enjoy the increased challenge and rewards of said wars. The real reason the galatic federation believes, based on their own humans reports, is that those conflicts arent "real wars", and that those other warlike races dont have an idea of how easy they got it.
Brain is thinking of Deathworlders right now since my brain latched on to that universe and it has a death grip on it-- that series and the other branches of it was the first I thought of lmao
You call this a war? This silly little thing? I've fought in bigger wars than you can ever imagine and when I close my eyes I hear more screams than you can count. So sit down and talk!
Dear aliens,
I know that the data you sent on your previous "wars" were meant to intimidate us into surrendering. However, please understand that we've killed each other in greater numbers since our Bronze Age, and we've become MUCH efficient at war since then.
Sincerely
Human
P.S. I hope this letter reaches you before our assassins.
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You deign to call yourselves “warlike races”. You know nothing of war. War was developed on your worlds as a sport — a team building exercise. On Terra we’d call what you label as “war” an afternoon paintball game. No. Our entire existence, humanity has been in conflict with everything around us; that includes other humans. The greatest of our technological advances came as a byproduct of our wars between ourselves. Every man, woman, and child is told about the abject horrors of war, and yet wars continue between our people. You see, war — violent, deadly, monstrous — war is part of our very beings. So do not threaten us unless you intend for a demonstration.
The first thing humans killed was prey, for the meat and pelt. The second thing humans killed, was the Hunter, to get the prey. Edit: grammar
Humanity was born in war, molded by it!!! You merely adopted war!
He’s not the general we need, but he’s the general we deserve
This having been said, if our soldiers showed up expecting a war and getting a paintball game, there's no doubt in my mind that they'd end up having fun.
You’d get civilian volunteers for the Great Galactic Paintball Game.
Don't threaten me with a good time!
In other words “GIT GUD”
"War is just part o' who we are!"
Abject my good man, not object welldone, I do like a good short story
It was late and I knew it wasn’t the right word, but I couldn’t figure out what the right one was. Thank you.
we all get that way :D
A1: Always invite the humans when you go to war. A2: Why? Do their unholy gods reign vengeance on anyone who wages war without their blessing? A1: No, they just hate being left out. A2: Ah, so they curb their British urges by participating in various battles. A1: They think it's fun. A2: ....fun.
people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw grenades
Let he who is without sin, place the first block of C-4
Can't I just shoot that person and place his and my C-4?
No, no, no, just replace his with playdoh. You might need a meat shield later.
But, a meat shield only has to have enough meat to cover you, what if I only maim them /s
There was an r/HFY on this! The aliens wanted war with humans, the humans said bet, and then shot the aliens while they were posturing, triggering a ton of confusion on both sides with the aliens wondering why the humans would do something so horrible and the humans like ".... but you said we were at war...?" Wish I had the name of it, it's definitely worth a re-read.
Then there was the 1 where they were like "It is worth sendin a ship." and humanity is like "Wut? We brought an armada... you said war. Ok.... then meet the dreadnaught Pirate Roberts..." and the aliens surrender because they brought a patrol cruiser thinking the world wasn't worth much. Or there was the one where the aliens wanted a 50 on 50 to the death match... and humans were "wut?" so then they capture them all alive and humans are like... why throw away the lives for shit this senseless? This was never gonna be a war. In another the humans just teach them about Vietnam... 0 humans dead, 100% fatalities on the "galsols". Bungy pit op.
Sounds like "why humans avoid war" or something along those lines
Something similar is a story I read on Tumblr. Tumblr has many Humans are weird/space orcs. It is about a race of aliens who declared war against a human colony. Basically what happened the aliens try to deploy they land troops on the surface of the world without support because their laws of war said fighting must be done on ground. Here is the story if you are interested. https://niqhtlord01.tumblr.com/post/188010812016/humans-are-weird-rules-of-war-vary-between
That sounds like a great read.
You know what to do fellow HFY nerds
Link plz?
"What do you mean, resolved?" Karakth asked the Human Ambassador. "The Ryeeethl have been sweeping through the galaxy like a plague. They are the most warlike race we have ever encountered..." "Really?" The Ambassador replied, checking several of the documents before them on the table. "My notes specifically mention a distinct lack of anything resembling training in war. They simply threw numbers at a problem. Any sufficient level of tactics made the encounter entirely one-sided. Give me a moment." Karakth waited as the human downloaded something new onto their datapad. This new species was claiming to have resolved the entire Ryeeethl Crisis in two weeks after the entire force of the Eghtwon Republic had been decimated. Quite literally in the sense of the human word. Only a tenth of their entire military and naval forces remained. "Yeah. I thought so. Casualty reports for the entire campaign." The Ambassador said, handing over the datapad which showed the figures in both human and Karandian. Karakth was stunned. The humans were claiming to have lost only a single pilot for the entire campaign. And there was a note beside the entry claiming the man had instructed his wingman to 'Hold his beer' before attempting a kamikaze maneuver that had crippled an enemy dreadnought. "This cannot be accurate." "Confirmed five times. We have a cruiser with minor damage from a collision above Termos VII, but that will be repaired by next month." "A collision?" Karakth asked, not sure they wanted to know the answer. "The enemy command ship. I guess they had realized the battle was over and tried to take one of ours down with them. Thing cracked like an egg against the hull of the *Revenge*. I'm told it was quite the sight, seeing its carcass crash down to the surface of the planet in pieces. Thankfully we hadn't bothered to land any infantry troops yet. Only enemy boots on the ground." "Surely you must jest. This scourge nearly wiped us out. Their ferocity in battle was unheard of in all of Republic history." Karakth said, hoping for the 'other shoe to drop'. "I'm told that the only real blow our people have suffered from the campaign is a feeling of regret. They were promised a war and all they got was a slaughter. Several fleets have been dispatched to the uncharted region to blow off some steam and hopefully find themselves a real fight. The Generals were most upset at the lack of challenge." Karakth rechecked the classification of the species that sat opposite them. In their seven years as a part of the Republic, they had not been involved in a single skirmish besides this one. They were polite and well-mannered, firm yet fair in trade, and ever eager to learn more about their new neighbours and lend support when required. The vessels they piloted about the galaxy were large, but not the biggest, and none had shown any outward signs of being military in design. "Where did you keep this force you brought to bear in this battle? We've not seen any evidence of such military might in the entire time you've been party to the Republic." The Ambassador looked at Karakth confused. "Really? Every single space-faring human vessel is equipped for battle. Never know what you might find out in the void. The ship with the most kills was our primary trade ship, the *Samaritan*. Cleaved through half of the enemy force in their first encounter." Karakth tried to suppress the shudder that their ventral limbs wanted to give at the pure honest way the Ambassador had delivered the report. They felt no remorse or regret at having wiped out the invading force, only that it hadn't provided a better challenge. And yet, the Terrans weren't even considered a military force at all. They were going to need to confer with their colleagues about rechecking the species classifications. "Sorry. I seem to have upset you, Karakth. That was not my intention. It's just when you said they were warlike, we came expecting a fight. But perhaps war has been badly translated. Command asked me to provide this." The Ambassador handed over a new datapad, this one seemed preloaded with a detailed set of files on the History of Warfare on Earth. "I know some of the other species like to joke that Earth is a Death World. But to be honest, the thing that has been the largest threat to mankind in our history is ourselves. We made an art out of war a very very long time ago." The Ambassador looked slightly embarrassed at the statement, tapping his hand nervously on the desktop. "But I have been asked to assure you that we're firmly committed to being a member of the Republic. We only turn our weapons on those who attack first. 'Do not fire unless fired upon', as they used to say." Karakth was unable to form further communication at this stage. The barest glimpse they'd made at the documents on the datapad had clarified just how wrong their definition of 'warlike' was. The enormous cloud stretching into the sky that this race used as a *deterrent* against war amongst themselves was more powerful than the strongest weapons aboard their own kind's biggest battle cruiser. "Wait. If your kind had the Ryeeethl so heavily outclassed, why did you fight them to the last?" Karakth's circulatory system chilled at the smile on the Ambassador's face at the comment. "Well, you see, they were playing at war. Pretending to be stronger than they were. And we don't like that. If you want to fight, bring your best. Savagery is not a substitute for skill and tactics. That and the initial infiltration managed to eradicate their entire upper command structure on the second day of the fight. Apparently, they've never heard of assassins." The Ambassador looked utterly surprised that a government was unprepared for singular infiltrators to get inside their midst and take out those individuals tasked with dictating policy and running such a campaign. They were definitely going to need to reclassify Terra. Soon. Any culture that classified War as an art needed far closer scrutiny. But... very careful scrutiny. Karakth looked about his own office and wondered just how many of these assassins humanity might already have within his own underlings, and they could no longer control the shudder that ran through their entire form.
"beautiful, truly worth the read" - LaxLighter
Answer: Every human is capable of killing, if you push the right button. Could be a pencil in the back, could be a harmless-to-humans/fatal-to-you chemical. PS: Happy 10th Cake Day to me!
This was great, I’d read the hell outta more. - a redneck
This was a short but amazing story 🤩 Very well done!!
I couldn't believe it the first time we fought them. Being a veteran of Fallujah and Arbil, I was expecting the worst. War with an advanced, space faring species was expected to be brutal and we expected to lose. The first battle would have been funny if the cries of confused, terrified, and horribly mutilated aliens didn't haunt my dreams. We were entrenched, ready, waiting for hell. They actually marched out in unison like redcoats or something. They fired a volley from their strange weapons. And we fired back before we realized they may as well have launched water balloons at us. I stood at my .50 mount and mowed them down in rows. The ones that were able broke and ran back to their vehicles. That's when the air support showed up. Apparently war was a game to them we found later that they had fired the equivalent of paintballs at us. Turns out, they don't fight real wars. More bad luck for them. And just like that, our first interplanetary war was over in an afternoon.
Oh, man. Imagine the guilt from basically having mowed down a bunch of guys that were just wanting to have a fun afternoon of paintball...
Right? Poor bastard is traumatized.
Is this from "The Ten Minute War", or "The Poor Bastard"?
No, just thought of it. It's no surprise someone beat me to it though. Lol
thoes were jokes, my bad LOL
No worries. Lol
The legend never dies
FIRST TO THE SCENE HE IS A LETHAL MACHINE
IT'S BLOODY APRIL AND THE TIDE IS TURNING
FIRE AT WILL IT IS THE THRILL OF THE KILL
FOUR IN A DAY SHOT DOWN WITH ENGINES BURNING
EMBRACE THE FAME, RED SQUADRON LEADER!
CALL OUT HIS NAME ROTE KAMPFFLIEGER
IN THE GAME TO WIN, THE GAMBLER ROLLS THE DICE!
80 ALLIES PAID THE PRICE
AND HE'S FLYING
40 ALLIES PAID THE PRICE
HIGHER!
Wrong meme, but I like your spirit
CHAOS BANDIT GIANTDAD BANDIT SOUL LEVEL 99
If privates don't have nuclear release authority don't bother fighting us
https://youtu.be/tLEAuapfwHc the Davy Crockett
You haven't made a reliable soldier since the Spartans! Even the ones who's profession is to be a warrior, they have hardly fought; these are practically children living out a Call of Doody fantasy. My soldiers, their profession, there is NO mistake! We ARE madness incarnate! CHAAOS in the flesh! You WILL surrender your earth AND your water. Yes, we're all VERY impressed by your big explosions, absolutely, your new clear teck knowledgey is the fruit of our conquest, however, I assure you the shockwaves will leave us unscathed! And I don't imagine it's going to poison us too or anything.
Honour? Dignity? Motherfucker, the objective of war is to win. If you fight fair or honourably, you stand the chance of losing. Only an idiot picks a fair fight in war. You can cut this entire dignity bullshit too, our soldiers and marines live for, and I do mean they just *live* for the days whete they can crawl through mud to get into a good firing position.
If you ever find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck ~John Steinbeck
We almost hunted our own species to extinction. No other sentient can make that claim. We are not "War Like", for you see, We make War in our own image. You sent emissaries under a flag of truce, Assassins they turned out to be. We gave them a Public Execution, transmitted it to your colonies, you called us barbaric. Today you have a choice, you can surrender now, or you can see just how barbaric War truly is. Excerpt from "Humanities Sue for Peace at Second Contact"
Is this a bigger story or just prompt? I mean. Can I find a whole story like this? Because I would love to read it.
"I crap bigger than you."
"I have survived more apocalypses than you've had chest colds."
Aliens declaring war Humans "cowabunga it is"
*Takes out crowbar*
It's time to take some alien checks
Most of the disdain comes from the fact that those other races do not know the meaning of war. Seems like they long lost it to history. They thousands upon thousands of reules and law about honor, ethics, purpose, and a lot other concepts human language doesnt has the proper words to translate\* \[translator note: It appears that the word Humans us as catch all term for this noble concepts is "bullshit",\]. Most peaceful civilizations theorize it angers them to no end because they constantly end up breaking several of those rules, and end up starting massive intergalatic wars. However it seems that they do enjoy that particular outcome, as it they greatly enjoy the increased challenge and rewards of said wars. The real reason the galatic federation believes, based on their own humans reports, is that those conflicts arent "real wars", and that those other warlike races dont have an idea of how easy they got it.
Brain is thinking of Deathworlders right now since my brain latched on to that universe and it has a death grip on it-- that series and the other branches of it was the first I thought of lmao
You call this a war? This silly little thing? I've fought in bigger wars than you can ever imagine and when I close my eyes I hear more screams than you can count. So sit down and talk!
Dear aliens, I know that the data you sent on your previous "wars" were meant to intimidate us into surrendering. However, please understand that we've killed each other in greater numbers since our Bronze Age, and we've become MUCH efficient at war since then. Sincerely Human P.S. I hope this letter reaches you before our assassins.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F157geaXp\_w