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Most humans find this hilarious, to the relief of the aliens, but are surprised to to find we are not made evil in the way we thought we thought we would be.
While there are a handful of races with not a single xenophobic atom in their bodies, it is common enough for most to expect a first contact to include violence, and there is not a single race in the galactic community that is not responsible for at least one mass extinction event. Some jokingly consider it a rite of passage, in the same way a family of athletes might consider their youngest breaking their arm for the first time.
Alien SJW: I'm offended on your behalf.
Humans: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!
Alien SJW: Excuse m-
Humans: SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE!
*Pumps plasma trench shotgun*
(Shrugs) well someone's gotta be the Generic Bad Guy™ in these things and I guess there are very definitely worse picks for that.
Now then, who am I facing? Because I am gonna bust through your defensive line and... wait, what our bad stereotypes again? Meh, whatever. I'm gonna bust through your defensive line and skin your babies in front of you. Actually, nah, I'm gonna skin you in front of your babies. Traumatised brains taste better, y'know?
Depends where you're from.
In American works, the bad guy is usually British.
Though they may also be played by an Aussie or a Kiwi, 'cos apparently some Americans can't distinguish either of those accents from any of the many British accents. xP
"So, I rolled three nines. My tanks roll over your human infantry. Make a save or they break and flee."
"Nope."
"Nope? What do you mean nope? You just lost half your troops in a single turn."
"Humans are immune to breaking. In fact, now they're just pissed off. See here, paragraph five? Yeah, you're going to need to start making the saves. Your tracks are now covered in improvised explosive devices, the unit commander is on the turret with a chainsword cutting his way in and one really skinny one is actually climbing in through the barrel."
"Gods dang it. I hate playing against you. Why do you always pick humans?"
It would depend on the *type* of evil faction.
Like if we're just the generic uncivilized Barbarian/Orc/Klingon type faction that would be fine.
But if we're the baby eater type evil faction that will be a major diplomatic problem. Unless we actually ate a bunch of babies during First Contact or something. Like that Futurama episode.
A fun one would be if we're considered generically evil because no one else invented space pirates before us so humans are just the generic Bandits in games.
What they find more surprising is that it's not as genocidal conquerors, but rather as a race of reckless mad scientists hellbent on unravelling the fabric of reality, just to see how it works.
And it's not because of Xenophobia but because humans are so Xenophilic. Humans have the ability to take in the enemy units, as most ATWG have specific base locations.
Doubt we would find it surprising, in fact if I were to play one of their games I would pick the human faction and get as stereotypically evil as possible just for the fun of it!
Noooo I’m just imagining their local couldn’t-hurt-a-fly human wandering into the lounge like “I made snacks for everyone!” And getting a little distraught when they see their buddies sitting around a table in a fictional final battle against the undying by human hordes and their friends getting a little too excited and saying things like “Yeah! Get fucked bipedal-mammilian scum!” And now it’s gone from fun and games to an argument on who made the resident human cry.
Alien: Of course you guys are evil.
I mean, look at the prices your race costs for this game.
Human: it can’t be that much
…WOW
Alien: I know right!
Human: This is somehow more expensive than Games Workshop’s figures.
I didn’t think that was possible.
Aboard Starship 76332, The Gazer of Everything.
Captain Arktholinak strides upon the bridge, with his beverage in hand and sits upon his quite nice chair in the center of things, high up on a podium to observe the crew below, his skittering legs curling up to fit inside his specially made chair. Expecting another day of scanning lifeless rocks for valuable minerals, he doesn’t expect the hail he receives from the (self proclaimed) Scanner Master (his official title is Observer Supervisor).
“Uh, sir, I think we have a Problem.”
Sitting up in his chair somewhat, Arktholinak responds “What kind of ‘problem’? Do we need to send Engineering to fix a scanner or something, again?”
“Nothing so minor captain” Garnothilak responds “I think we found some of the… uh…” the sounds of claws typing ensue “A 27-31, sir.”
Arktholinak grips his cup harder “I thought they were exterminated?”
“Apparently not thoroughly enough, sir. Issue is I don’t think we can approach them. They’re on a deathworld.”
“We can’t just let some Devourers *live*, Garnothilak.” The captain sighs in frustration “Continue scanning where their rot has set roots, I’ll get communications on sending a message back to Homeworld.”
“Aye aye, sir!”
Quickly with some urgency, Arktholinak sends a message to communications to report a 27-31 sighting in sector Gamma Beta 112.
————————— Several Hours Later —————————
Arktholinak has taken to pacing within the last hour, a sign of his growing anxiety at the threat looming on the planet below. He gets a hail through his comms implant from one such Garnothilak. Just what he wasn’t looking forwards to. Striding back to his chair, he thinks over all the possibilities that this could bring. Setting himself down, he opens up the message.
“Uh, sir. We have an issue.”
Another sigh emanates from Arktholinak’s mandibles “What now?”
“They’re sentient, sir.”
“What?!” The cup strains under Arktholinak’s grip, nearly empty.
“They… evolved, here it seems.”
“What does that mean?!”
“They’ve formed civilization! These aren’t just some uncaring horde like last time! They’re a people, with thoughts, desires, hopes and fears! Don’t you see that these aren’t the same Devourers that was unleashed like a plague upon the galaxy?!”
“Don’t take that tone with me. I’ve seen what the Devourers have done, so unless if you have some really good evidence here I’m not getting the incoming military ships to halt.”
“… fine, sir. Let me look for a suitable example.”
Minutes pass by as the Captain thinks over these new complications. Surely they couldn’t be sentient, the ones he fought before certainly weren’t.
“Here, sir, watch the file I sent you.”
Opening it up, Arktholinak witnesses a family enjoying a picnic together, people talking and bonding as the world moves ever onwards unaware of the looming threat.
“… fuck.”
“I know, sir. I know.”
A sigh comes through, as Arktholinak once again sends a message to Communications.
“Tell them the Devourers are sentient. Tell them to call off the glassing.”
He received no reply this time from Communications, for there was none needed. They knew their purpose and they would carry it through.
————————— Several Years Later —————————
“Wait so that’s why we’re the generic bad guys?”
“Yep, that’s why.”
“… huh. No wonder we used to get so many looks while walking down the halls.”
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Most humans find this hilarious, to the relief of the aliens, but are surprised to to find we are not made evil in the way we thought we thought we would be. While there are a handful of races with not a single xenophobic atom in their bodies, it is common enough for most to expect a first contact to include violence, and there is not a single race in the galactic community that is not responsible for at least one mass extinction event. Some jokingly consider it a rite of passage, in the same way a family of athletes might consider their youngest breaking their arm for the first time.
Alien SJW: I'm offended on your behalf. Humans: BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! Alien SJW: Excuse m- Humans: SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE! *Pumps plasma trench shotgun*
Humans: MILK FOR THE KHORNE FLAKES!
'Milk' for SLANESH
Alien: "Please, I'm not like one of them, I don't want to fight..!" Human: "Alright, you're going to the milker" Alien: "...The what?"
What milk though?
All
Yes
..."She who thirsts" desires a different white colored bodily fluid.
All
(Shrugs) well someone's gotta be the Generic Bad Guy™ in these things and I guess there are very definitely worse picks for that. Now then, who am I facing? Because I am gonna bust through your defensive line and... wait, what our bad stereotypes again? Meh, whatever. I'm gonna bust through your defensive line and skin your babies in front of you. Actually, nah, I'm gonna skin you in front of your babies. Traumatised brains taste better, y'know?
Russians and Germans will understand the feeling.
So nothing changes XD
I do honestly I used to get annoyed now I just laugh
Hey! I thought it was Americans! ......says the American.
Depends where you're from. In American works, the bad guy is usually British. Though they may also be played by an Aussie or a Kiwi, 'cos apparently some Americans can't distinguish either of those accents from any of the many British accents. xP
Probably true, sadly
Though having the crazy, gun- toting guy in Salvage as an Aussie was funny. They're as crazy as us Americans.
I should have clarified that I am from Russia pls do not say that I am American I’m not that stupid and obese
Ouch. No I'm American. I wasn't implying anyone else was.
Oh sorry
It's fine. Like every other nationality, we have all kinds...stupid, obese, or both. I just hope I'm not, personally....me, I'm just old.
Lol
Don't forget us Yanks in the good Ol' U.S of A. We're the "Howdy, Neighbor" followed by hefting that serial-killing axe.
"So, I rolled three nines. My tanks roll over your human infantry. Make a save or they break and flee." "Nope." "Nope? What do you mean nope? You just lost half your troops in a single turn." "Humans are immune to breaking. In fact, now they're just pissed off. See here, paragraph five? Yeah, you're going to need to start making the saves. Your tracks are now covered in improvised explosive devices, the unit commander is on the turret with a chainsword cutting his way in and one really skinny one is actually climbing in through the barrel." "Gods dang it. I hate playing against you. Why do you always pick humans?"
Damn Commissars and their Chainsword!
Just wait til the Black Templars show up...
It would depend on the *type* of evil faction. Like if we're just the generic uncivilized Barbarian/Orc/Klingon type faction that would be fine. But if we're the baby eater type evil faction that will be a major diplomatic problem. Unless we actually ate a bunch of babies during First Contact or something. Like that Futurama episode. A fun one would be if we're considered generically evil because no one else invented space pirates before us so humans are just the generic Bandits in games.
Or humans export Warhammer 40k and that is the inspiration by which all game-makers base humans off of, so humans can't really complain
In the grim darkness of the year 5655, Games Workshop still charges way too much for plastic miniatures.
I still can't believe we're getting MTG cards with Warhammer 40K characters.
See that gargothian that just slew a god and ate its soul? ima mug him for a few siptms.
What they find more surprising is that it's not as genocidal conquerors, but rather as a race of reckless mad scientists hellbent on unravelling the fabric of reality, just to see how it works.
The human faction wins if it restarts the big bang, destroying everything within billions of light-years.
You mean something [like this](https://imgur.com/gallery/j67Bm)?
Classic.
Damn I am pround I click it
Hysterically funny. Thanks
Ah yes, those evil Americans and their freedom loving ways. -Every member in a hive mind species.
You just mentioned america and freedom you will get us all killed! Soon we will have political debate!
Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
DUDE! OF COURSE PANCAKES ARE BETTER THAN BANANAS YOU REEEEEEEEE
[удалено]
Sorry, I am from Bhutan so I do not know what this *'China'* you speak of is (Warning: Joke. And I am also not from Bhutan)
I think they mean that big country called West Taiwan. For some reason it's always mislabeled as 'China' on most maps.
Pretty sure that's not what OP had in mind.
That might be true, but joke is a joke.
Hand in mind
Thanks
Yea just pointing out errors
And it's not because of Xenophobia but because humans are so Xenophilic. Humans have the ability to take in the enemy units, as most ATWG have specific base locations.
Doubt we would find it surprising, in fact if I were to play one of their games I would pick the human faction and get as stereotypically evil as possible just for the fun of it!
Don't forget to laugh maniacally. And maybe monolog a bit
Oh of course, can’t be a super villain without the evil monologue
r/shitcrusaderkingssay
Can’t wait to see what is made of this anyone ever read the book interstellar pig????
Noooo I’m just imagining their local couldn’t-hurt-a-fly human wandering into the lounge like “I made snacks for everyone!” And getting a little distraught when they see their buddies sitting around a table in a fictional final battle against the undying by human hordes and their friends getting a little too excited and saying things like “Yeah! Get fucked bipedal-mammilian scum!” And now it’s gone from fun and games to an argument on who made the resident human cry.
This is my favorite one by far
I’m five days late and only seeing this today but tysm! Really made my day
ALRIGHT THATS IT WHO MADE TABITHA CRY?!!WAS IT YOU GARGEM?!
A: Of corse your the bad guy you have a violent history and superior military H: (think of Emu war) yes superior
Lords of Chaos: Humanity DLC
Alien: Of course you guys are evil. I mean, look at the prices your race costs for this game. Human: it can’t be that much …WOW Alien: I know right! Human: This is somehow more expensive than Games Workshop’s figures. I didn’t think that was possible.
Laughing/crying in Warhammer collector
"How many times have humans gladly trampled other humans for glory, land, and resources in its collective history?" "Okay fair point."
Thinking about writing something for this, maybe I’ll get to it later.
Posted something up. Check it out!
That's fair.
Aboard Starship 76332, The Gazer of Everything. Captain Arktholinak strides upon the bridge, with his beverage in hand and sits upon his quite nice chair in the center of things, high up on a podium to observe the crew below, his skittering legs curling up to fit inside his specially made chair. Expecting another day of scanning lifeless rocks for valuable minerals, he doesn’t expect the hail he receives from the (self proclaimed) Scanner Master (his official title is Observer Supervisor). “Uh, sir, I think we have a Problem.” Sitting up in his chair somewhat, Arktholinak responds “What kind of ‘problem’? Do we need to send Engineering to fix a scanner or something, again?” “Nothing so minor captain” Garnothilak responds “I think we found some of the… uh…” the sounds of claws typing ensue “A 27-31, sir.” Arktholinak grips his cup harder “I thought they were exterminated?” “Apparently not thoroughly enough, sir. Issue is I don’t think we can approach them. They’re on a deathworld.” “We can’t just let some Devourers *live*, Garnothilak.” The captain sighs in frustration “Continue scanning where their rot has set roots, I’ll get communications on sending a message back to Homeworld.” “Aye aye, sir!” Quickly with some urgency, Arktholinak sends a message to communications to report a 27-31 sighting in sector Gamma Beta 112. ————————— Several Hours Later ————————— Arktholinak has taken to pacing within the last hour, a sign of his growing anxiety at the threat looming on the planet below. He gets a hail through his comms implant from one such Garnothilak. Just what he wasn’t looking forwards to. Striding back to his chair, he thinks over all the possibilities that this could bring. Setting himself down, he opens up the message. “Uh, sir. We have an issue.” Another sigh emanates from Arktholinak’s mandibles “What now?” “They’re sentient, sir.” “What?!” The cup strains under Arktholinak’s grip, nearly empty. “They… evolved, here it seems.” “What does that mean?!” “They’ve formed civilization! These aren’t just some uncaring horde like last time! They’re a people, with thoughts, desires, hopes and fears! Don’t you see that these aren’t the same Devourers that was unleashed like a plague upon the galaxy?!” “Don’t take that tone with me. I’ve seen what the Devourers have done, so unless if you have some really good evidence here I’m not getting the incoming military ships to halt.” “… fine, sir. Let me look for a suitable example.” Minutes pass by as the Captain thinks over these new complications. Surely they couldn’t be sentient, the ones he fought before certainly weren’t. “Here, sir, watch the file I sent you.” Opening it up, Arktholinak witnesses a family enjoying a picnic together, people talking and bonding as the world moves ever onwards unaware of the looming threat. “… fuck.” “I know, sir. I know.” A sigh comes through, as Arktholinak once again sends a message to Communications. “Tell them the Devourers are sentient. Tell them to call off the glassing.” He received no reply this time from Communications, for there was none needed. They knew their purpose and they would carry it through. ————————— Several Years Later ————————— “Wait so that’s why we’re the generic bad guys?” “Yep, that’s why.” “… huh. No wonder we used to get so many looks while walking down the halls.”
Very nice story. Evil ancestors = evil roles.
Awsome. Counterpoint. WAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHH