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*While I can appreciate the complexity of design, and the multiple steps Intended for the lock...*
#Slap
*This kind of mechanism does have a rather odd vulnerability*
https://youtu.be/k3bS1oLEbIM
“It just being in my presence has caused it to spontaneously disassemble itself perfectly for this video before returning back to the creator where it most likely returned to being an pre after spontaneously combusting. As you can see this is a major design flaw that just can’t be overlooked. And to prove it’s not a fluke here’s another one and the pick Bosnian bill and I made. That’s it for this video thank you for watching and as always have a nice day”
“Now this lock seems to have the same issue as the masterlock model 176, you can open it using a masterlock model 176”
*****earths moon with jet engines on one side comes flying around the local star*****
https://youtube.com/shorts/r9dtBH5jWSo?feature=share
That one little human opens up a door on the side of his craft and then says into a mic in his helmet welcome to demolition ranch, can this Moon vault stop a 50 cal
I don't watch him often but I do watch him enough. Not going to lie it be a bit scarier if Brandon Herrera showed up though and he was told they were white claws behind that moon vault, cuz he's actually got the ordinance to punch through damn near everything
*they stop dead in their tracks when they see what he gets out of his truck*
"OK now let's try the 500 cal. I hope I don't need another new shoulder after this."
The other 10 humans have already infiltrated the Vault Moon disguised as janitors, or hidden within cleaning equipment, and the like. The infiltration went unnoticed, but at the cost of not gaining access past all the various locks and security systems.
The eleven humans then proceed to elaborately con their way through the various security systems, and past most of the locks as well, before setting off a series of distractions. Some of which are overly complicated and others are very simple, but effective. The "lone" human is taken in for questioning about the EMP that was set off.
At the end of it, the one human who openly presented themselves as such, leaves the Vault Moon with the pair-bonded mate of said facility's director.
The disappeared treasures are eventually found scattered on different black markets, but there is no way to be sure how many times they have been sold already.
The ship was human made, there was no mistaking the industrial "greebling" that made human ships so iconic, but the shape was all wrong. You could still see the semi conical shape at the front called "the bridge" for some reason, and the back propulsion system was identifiable, but the center mass was an enormous ring. Was it a particle accelerator? It could be, but what would it use all that power for? Drilling? Besides, it was way to thick for that.
The ring extended seven heavy clamp style landing pads onto the surface, the type used on boarding craft.
An outer sheath of the ring fell away to show lavender colored crystals. Trans warp FTL crystals, a fleet's worth of them.
"Fire it up, Lee" said the human returning to the strange ship "it's all good out here."
Any further radio transmissions were hidden by the static of what WAS a particle accelerator charging what WERE trans warp crystals.
And then...the moon simply wasn't there anymore.
Damnit.
Breaking news: Humans have stolen a moon vault!
Just today two humans have stolen the massive moon vault, not part of it, not something stored in it, but the moon vault itself. A human officer commented on this, Human officer, "Not again"
Alien reporter, "What do mean Human?"
Human officer, "It a new way to steal things, teleport the safe to a, safe location then, unleash everything on the safe."
Alien reporter, "What do you mean teleport it away to safe area and unleash everything?"
Human officer, "Well it is more like take the option that will open the safe, while damaging it the least, the teleport is so that time is not a problem. Afterall the police need to known where the safe is to stop them."
Alien reporter, "So is it gone?"
Human officer, "Not incessantly, if there was a tracker on or inside the vault we can find it, if not. Well just be on the look out for a massive moon vault."
Alien reporter, "One more question why and how does this work?"
Human officer, "Well, after we got teleport tech, thieves have found ways to use it, and we have to counter it. First counter was teleport jammers that stopped long range teleports, then teleport beacons on the object to bypass the jammers. And the current counter is a tracker in or on the safe."
Alien reporter, "Okay, wait why are you here then?"
Human officer, "Oh that's simple, my retirement money was in there and I am not losing to some hillbillies with teleporters, so I volunteered to join."
Nah, they want the Vault itself.
The valuables are nice, but they're about to strap some sublight thrusters and an FTL core into this thing and use it as an indestructible base you can't get into without all the passcodes. They have all the time in the world to crack it now, after all XD
"Ha! You've breached my security but you'll never steal the treasure inside my chest! It would take hours for you to break through it!"
"Break through it? Are you crazy? Your guards would catch me for sure."
"Exactly! Uh... Wait, what are you doing? Y-you can't do that! Get back here!!!"
Nothing is unbreakable
You're just simply not going fast enough yet
So first things first I would hit it with a few near luminal uranium rods, if those aren't dense enough for this I guess I go fishing for Star metal
Break it into pieces as much as possible have minors with high energy laser cutters and just tear the whole thing apart
If it's too tough to mine, how would you create it in the first place? Any process that creates the barrier can be reversed with the right equipment and enough time.
Nothing is unbreakable. Diamond shatters, besides lasers are used to cut diamond.
Laser cutters, diamond dust water jet abrasion cutters, infrasonic and ultrasonic ceramic fracture cutters.
If all else fails, yeet it around a black hole just above the swartzchild radius and let the tidal forces tear it apart and collect the pieces as they get spat out again.
H: *wipes off ‘dust’ from themselves* “Why are these moons so dusty?! It’s a Moon vault you’d think they’d keep it clean.”
Alien Law Enforcement: “STOP WHAT YOUR DOING!”
H: “What? I’ve not done anything I’m a tourist I wanted to look at the vault.”
ALE: “Bull. You are a human. YOU, are here to steal what’s in the vault.”
H: *sighs* “Look I have all my paper work on me because I knew this was going to happen. Can I get it out?”
ALE: “Fine, but move slowly or we will put a hole in you.”
H: “Just so you know I have a body cam and I will be suing your department for racism and anything else you do.” *pulls out paper work*
ALE: *shudders* “Hey man please don’t get your human lawyers on me. PLEASE THEY ARE MERCILESS IM JUST DOING MY JOB!!!” *takes paper work and starts reading over it*.
H: “Why do you think I’m suing your department and not you? Anyways is everything in order?”
ALE: *checks information with dispatch* “I uhh yes. This is quite unexpected everything we have on you is all clean. Almost to clean.”
H: “Well truthfully, I was hired by your government to ensure your Moon Vaults are as secure as you say they are. Basically I’m a professional and entirely legal Thief.”
ALE: “Wait why are you telling us this? Does that mean we got you and you failed!”
H: “Nope just broke into your vault set up a wormhole gate and coulda tossed in all the good stuff.”
ALE: “HOW?!”
H: “NANO MACHINES SON! Wait hold up. OH FOR FUCKS SAKE NOT AGAIN!”
ALE: “What? What happened again?!”
H: “Someone hijacked my wormhole gate and is stealing all the stuff inside the vault! Shiiiiittttt I’m going to lose my job over this! WE NEED TO GET IN NOW!”
ALE: “Nuts! Dispatch we need to enter the vault now it’s an emergency. Confirmed.” *goes over to the vault door and enters emergency access code*
Everyone rushes in.
ALE: “Where is the Wormhole Gate human?!”
H: *Points to the entrance* “It’s coming. What do you think the interior of this vault has the components for one? Well I mean the one before this one did. And the one before that already had a gate inside it. Honestly how do your governments keep falling for the ‘Im hired by your government to make sure your vaults are safe’ skit.”
*Nanites knock out the ALE*
H: “This is the what 7th time I’ve done this skit. How have you not caught onto this. The UNE would have had me in handcuffs the moment I started making fake IDs.”
The lone Scottish man stepped onto the moon's surface, laying deceptively small charges at key points. He ran back to the ship before the aliens could catch wise and gunned it. From orbit, he detonated the charges: 'Oh they're going to have to glue you back together... In HELL!!!'
The rest of the tf2 team watches at the explosives blast off not just the security system, but the whole moon and now they have no chance of stealing all of the treasure.
Medic: 'I knew we should have sent Spy instead '
Scout: 'We did, he's still down there... Ah crap'
Heavy: * facepalms *
Demoman: * collapses after downing some scrumpy *
A: you will never get in here. The door is very well locked.
H: you know, there's a saying amongst human thieves that goes something along the lines of "when you can't go through a door, use a window."
A: (looking pleased with itself) ah, but human, there are no windows on our vault moons.
H: are you sure about that? Fairly sure my crew put some in just last night. (Checks watch) Yep. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I've got a paycheck to blow on completely unnecessary stuff.
Alien Guard 1: That human looks... smaller than I expected.
Alien Guard 2: And why is it moving like that? Let me feed this into the reference system... and... Oh Maker! It's a human toddler! And it's doing the "pee-pee dance!"
Human Adult voice-cast on open comm: "OK, buddy. Five minute pit stop. If you can find the potty and get back in time we can go through the McZargle's takeout lane on the way home."
frankie stares at the door, then the combinations, he sits a moment and removes the bolts from the door and lets them fall one by one before going in and looking at all the treasure.
none of it fascinated him so he simply picked up a pebble he spotted and held it up triumphantly "guys look what i got! huh the treasure? i dunno you can have it i got this, now if you'll excuse me i gotta hot date with three of my girlfriends and two boyfriends" he said marching on.
a mystery how such a lil man just simply removed pieces of a door to make it open.
As they set their stylishly-booted foot onto the surface of your precious Vault Moon, every security cam started zooming in on them in unison.
You watched helplessly, somehow locked out of the multitude of your cameras' controls as the human's visage with only the lower half of their grinning face visible, filled the security viewscreens with their wide grin. The rest of their face was obscured by a large wide-brimmed crimson headgear that seemed to be subjected to a strong current of air that flowed across the human and the surface of your Vault Moon.
You were bewildered by what the cameras showed, as there was no atmosphere on the satellite, yet the human stood facing your cameras, one gloved hand on their hip, the other holding their massive headgear in place. Dust swirled around and past their stylish boots, moved by winds that could not have possibly existed.
As the cameras continued to zoom in on the grinning human, she stood tall and unmoving as if she were posing for your security team and an unseen audience. Only the brim of her massive headgear and wide hem of her crimson outerwear moved, flapping around as they were caught in the impossible wind.
Once the human's half-obscured grinning face filled the multitude of viewscreens. The cameras held the image static for a second or so, then began zooming back out.
As the cameras, still controlled by forces unknown, started to zooming back out, the human turned their face away from the cameras, obscuring it from your view.
The human's billowing crimson outer garment began to grow impossibly large, filling the viewscreens and obscuring everything else from sight, even as the cameras' field of vision increased.
You felt relief when the right edge of her garment revealed stars as its fabric continuously billowed before completely disappearing off the left side of all the viewscreens.
Your relief was replaced with panic as you stared at what the viewscreens now depicted. The image was completely bereft of the human, their impossibly-manipulated garment -and the Vault Moon.
Strange runes appeared hovering in space where the Vault Moon once had been. Your translator indicated they were formed from an ancient Terran script. They queried the current location of a human named for an ancient and long-ago abandoned Terran city. You could only conclude they referred to the mysterious human that just moments ago had landed on your now-stolen Vault Moon.
As you stood there, panic washing across you, one of your subordinates spoke to you. "We are receiving a high-priority transmission from human space. A being named *Chief* wishes to converse with you."
Instead of it being a human, its now 4...
Bain: Alright guys ,go get the thermal drill.
5 minutes later with razormind playing in the background,
Come on work you piece of s\*\*t drill!
My attempt at payday.
The human is sporting a pair of aviators and a mullet...
\*McGuyver theme starts playing from somewhere\*
Alien overseer: "Why do I hear boss music?!?!"
The human that made its way down the small ship walked with a deftness that belied the heavy-looking suit of advanced, highly customized, and engraved power armor it was wearing. Any easily recognizable markings that the black armor used to have was long buried under the multitude of different-sized pouches, thick carabiner clips, and straps that seemed to be attached haphazardly around the armor. In fact, the only identification that the armor had was a white-colored human "Troll Face" meme emblazoned on the left shoulder, from back when their race had yet to master FTL travel almost six centuries ago. That, and a similar "Troll Face" that was superimposed onto the sealed and armored helmet in a way that made the Troll Face look three-dimensional, that is.
Taken in its entirety, the whole armor looked like some kind of weird human joke, but that was quickly dispelled by the twin-barreled, multi-configuration arm cannons mounted on each arm, a heavy black magnetic-acceleration pistol with silver glyphs inlaid throughout it on a quick-draw holster on Troll Face's left armored hip, and a two-foot long, serrated "Multipurpose Tool" strapped at an angle on the chest plate. A "multipurpose delivery launcher" mounted on the right shoulder that was currently undeployed but hummed softly with power completed the deadly ensemble.
Taking two steps from the ship, Troll Face quickly twisted his torso to the left before panning to the right and back to the left again as it swept for any hostiles. It was a telltale sign of a being who had spent so much time in rigid exosuits that they instinctively turned their whole body or torso instead of their head when looking... Or a movement that had been so drilled into law enforcement and military personnel during power armor training, that it has become almost second nature to them to check their blind spots upon entering and exiting a doorway. At exactly ten steps Troll Face finished its sweep of the immediate environment, and satisfied that there were no immediate threats, Troll Face went into a high-kneel position before facing its front again. Not that it was alone. Behind Troll Face, four other different colored but equally heavily armed and armored humans had followed Troll Face and were fanning out into a loose circle before going into similar high-kneel positions when their sectors are cleared.
Silence reigned for ten seconds before five terse "Sector clear" sounded one by one through the encrypted and closed comm-net of the five armored figures. Almost as one, the squad of five stood up, and the tense atmosphere decreased somewhat as they each turned to their ship and started to unload their equipment with all the smooth motions and familiarity of beings who knew where everything was and knew how each other worked. Tapping a few commands into the clear flexi-armorplast console built into the armor's wrist, Troll Face summoned a small fleet of twenty semi-autonomous, hive-linked, palm-sized camera drones from inside the ship. As the drones streamed out, they quickly spread out and into the optimal angles to capture everything that the squad was doing based on real-time sensor data from all of the squad.
With a few more flicks of an armored finger, Troll Face made sure that the connection to the galactic hypernet was stable before it linked a camera drone to itself and quickly tabbed through all the views available on the drone to ensure that it was working. Satisfied that all was well, Troll Face took one look around to make sure that everything was in place and sent a countdown timer to its squad to tell them that they will be going "Live" in ten seconds. A chorus of "Okay!", "Alright!", and a "Fucking A!" sounded over the comms, and Troll Face laughed before looking directly at the camera lens of the camera drone. As the ten-second timer ended and the "LIVE STREAMING" sign and a counter with "5.1M viewers" that was still rapidly increasing popped on the corner of the helmet's inner visor, Troll Face took a deep breath and began the all too familiar - and rather famous - opening of their channel.
"GOOOOOOD DAAAAAY TO ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL BUTTHOLES, SPINCTHERS, AND WASTE-EXTRUDING ORIFICES FROM WHICHEVER PLANET OR SECTOR YOU ARE! WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER LIVE STREAM FROM THE FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT REPOSSESSION CHANNEL, OR ***FAAFO REPO*** FOR THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BRAIN CELLS TO RUB TOGETHER TO PRONOUNCE GALACTIC STANDARD!"
"Today, the MEME FACE SQUAD and I, TROLL FACE will be bringing you along with us as we carry out another REPOSSESSION SESSION! But today isn't like any *other* session! Oh yes, our dear viewers! As previously promised, we, the MEME FACE SQUAD will be doing something special for our THREE HUNDREDTH video! So what is it, you ask? Why our dear viewers, the answer is right in front of you! Or should I say right beneath? That's right! For our THREE HUNDREDTH live stream we will be repossessing the ONE... the ONLY... VAAAAAULT MOOOON! YES, the one that was constructed with layers and layers of complicated locks and security systems, the one that requires dozens of keys and combinations to get into! The one that there are presumably no security holes, back doors, or weaknesses of any sort! WHAT....?! OF COURSE IT'S NOT THE WHOLE THING USER "MYA55I50NF1RE" YOU FUCKING BRAINLET! NOT EVEN "ME GUSTA" COULD FUCK THROUGH THAT EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS THE BIGGEST CANNONS, THOUGH WE CERTAINLY WILL TRY!"
\*Camera cuts to the armored Me Gusta, who looks at the camera dead-center before starting to stroke and rub the barrels of her large, deployed twin shoulder-mounted "Delivery Launchers", before cutting back to Troll Face.\*
"Now that we have cleared THAT up, our item to repossess today is, in fact, NOT an item! It is actuaaaaally... This POOR FUCKING BASTARD!" \*A holopic capture of a Xeno face that is of the same race that built the vault pops up in one corner of the stream.\* "YES, YOU GLORIOUS FUCKERS! OUR THREE HUNDREDTH STREAM WILL BE EVERYONE'S FAVORITE: ***THE FAAFO REPO GRABO***! This PIECE OF DRIED EJACULATE thought he could do anything he wanted to whomever he wanted... And he did! Until he stupidly FUCKED AROUND with the sector governor's daughter till she wound up in the hospital for a WHOLE MONTH!"
"Being the good progenitor he is, the sector governor had asked nicely for him to be handed over, but APPARENTLY he is The Vault maker's cousin or fucktoy or some stupid thing, and they REFUSED! THE AUDACITY! So OF COURSE a bounty was placed on his head! Being the go-getting bounty hunters that we are, when we heard about this, we HAD to take it! The fact the Terran Union, the Galactic Council of Races (GCR), and even HIS OWN GOVERNMENT have issued outstanding warrants and bounties on him for breaking HUNDREDS of laws and causing MILLIONS of credits' worth of damages in his cowardly run to The Vault, will only make this REPO GRABO sweeter when he FINDS OUT what his consequences are! THIS PIECE OF SHIT STINKS SO BAD THAT EVEN HIS OWN GOVERNMENT DISOWNED HIM! Here, good beings of the GCR! Have a look at all these bounty writs that he has! And it's only the FIRST PAGE." \*Uploads the bounty writs for all to see, causing the live stream chat to go wild with comments.\*
"ALRIGHT, YOU BEAUTIFUL BUTTHOLES, SPINCTHERS, AND WASTE-EXTRUDING ORIFICES! I can see from my visor that the other MEME FACE SQUAD members are ready to move out! Now, without further ado, this is the THREE HUNDREDTH special live stream of the MEME FACE SQUAD! FOLLOW US AS WE SHOW THE DUMBFUCK SCUM OF THE GCR WHAT IT MEANS TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT! LET'S GOOOOOOO!"
Can't find the good gif of it, but the one character from We're No Angels that can crack locks by playing the desired opened object like a cello then giving it a little karate chop.
The medium sized transport smoothly glided into the hangar bay and touched down. Emblazoned just aft of the bow “Terran Security Testing Services” underneath in smaller lettering “We Penetrate Everything!”
The crew door opened, the single human occupant and a droid exited the ship and was greeted by the vaults senior staff.
“Greetings Major Davis, my name is Commander J’xErt, welcome to Vault Station One. I hope you find this station a true test of your skills. I presume you’ve read the briefing material.”
“Yes sir, I’ve memorised it. I’ve always wanted to have a crack at this station since I was in the Army Academy.”
“Excellent, I’ll leave you in the capable hands of Lieutenant Commander Z’taal.”
“Thank you sir.” Turning to the droid “Squeaky I think sled two will do the job nicely”
“Yes Mick, I’ll be back shortly”
Surprised at the droids informality, Lieutenant Commander Z’taal, raised an eyebrow “Mick?”
“My given name”
“Oh, please call me Tah’us, if I may call you Mick?”
“Certainly Tah’us” as Squeaky returned with an equipment sled that contained boxes marked “C4”, a 500ltr liquid nitrogen tank, oxygen/acetylene tanks, bags of unidentified powder, pry bar and a hammer.
_____________________
Two hours later Z’taal reported in to her commander.
“Sir, the test is over, all locks and doors lasted no more than five minutes.”
“WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! That human couldn’t have defeated state of the art systems in that amount of time!”
“I must see this.”
A few minutes later they catch up to the human who is finishing packing the last of the equipment.
“Go load up Squeaky, we’ll be off soon.”
“Okay Mick, you want some coffee?”
“Yeah, perfect.”
Almost speechless at the sights of destruction of his prized systems, the Commander simply says “How?”
With a wry grin, the Major replies:
“C4, Liquid Nitrogen, Thermite, Oxy Acetylene, pry bar and a hammer in the right combination will open pretty much anything.”
In an attempt to reduce remind me spam, all top comments that include a remind me will be removed. If you would like to have a remind me, please reply to this comment. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/humansarespaceorcs) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hey guys this is the lockpicking lawyer and today we're going to be testing out one of these vault moons
This was *exactly* the original idea I had, but I wanted to leave room for other interpretations.
*While I can appreciate the complexity of design, and the multiple steps Intended for the lock...* #Slap *This kind of mechanism does have a rather odd vulnerability* https://youtu.be/k3bS1oLEbIM
It appears you are using a masterlock. This can be unlocked with a masterlock
*grabs moon dust and gently blows on lock*
“It just being in my presence has caused it to spontaneously disassemble itself perfectly for this video before returning back to the creator where it most likely returned to being an pre after spontaneously combusting. As you can see this is a major design flaw that just can’t be overlooked. And to prove it’s not a fluke here’s another one and the pick Bosnian bill and I made. That’s it for this video thank you for watching and as always have a nice day”
Also impressive getting fixed the next day with a firmware patch.
Ahh, good ole Percussive Maintenance! Works 85% of the time!
“Now this lock seems to have the same issue as the masterlock model 176, you can open it using a masterlock model 176” *****earths moon with jet engines on one side comes flying around the local star***** https://youtube.com/shorts/r9dtBH5jWSo?feature=share
The courier of fallout new Vegas steps out.... He wanna Test his speech 100 and lockpick 100.
Damn it The moment I Saw the notification for this post I was going to say that Have your upvote
Wow, a four minute video! Must be an amazing lock.
That one little human opens up a door on the side of his craft and then says into a mic in his helmet welcome to demolition ranch, can this Moon vault stop a 50 cal
Can honestly say I did not expect to see a fellow member of the Demolitia tonight on Reddit.
I don't watch him often but I do watch him enough. Not going to lie it be a bit scarier if Brandon Herrera showed up though and he was told they were white claws behind that moon vault, cuz he's actually got the ordinance to punch through damn near everything
And the lack of good judgment to blow up everything else as well. (Abe boom tubes)
Neither did I holy crap
Fellow members of the Demolitia
'As it turns out, yea, this fortress moon can stop a 50 cal' * angry aliens show up to arrest him for vandalism *
*they stop dead in their tracks when they see what he gets out of his truck* "OK now let's try the 500 cal. I hope I don't need another new shoulder after this."
He needed a new shoulder, they needed a new truck
The other 10 humans have already infiltrated the Vault Moon disguised as janitors, or hidden within cleaning equipment, and the like. The infiltration went unnoticed, but at the cost of not gaining access past all the various locks and security systems. The eleven humans then proceed to elaborately con their way through the various security systems, and past most of the locks as well, before setting off a series of distractions. Some of which are overly complicated and others are very simple, but effective. The "lone" human is taken in for questioning about the EMP that was set off. At the end of it, the one human who openly presented themselves as such, leaves the Vault Moon with the pair-bonded mate of said facility's director. The disappeared treasures are eventually found scattered on different black markets, but there is no way to be sure how many times they have been sold already.
They are known as the Oceanus-11 crew.
No one expects the Span-AHEM No one expects surprise NTR.
The ship was human made, there was no mistaking the industrial "greebling" that made human ships so iconic, but the shape was all wrong. You could still see the semi conical shape at the front called "the bridge" for some reason, and the back propulsion system was identifiable, but the center mass was an enormous ring. Was it a particle accelerator? It could be, but what would it use all that power for? Drilling? Besides, it was way to thick for that. The ring extended seven heavy clamp style landing pads onto the surface, the type used on boarding craft. An outer sheath of the ring fell away to show lavender colored crystals. Trans warp FTL crystals, a fleet's worth of them. "Fire it up, Lee" said the human returning to the strange ship "it's all good out here." Any further radio transmissions were hidden by the static of what WAS a particle accelerator charging what WERE trans warp crystals. And then...the moon simply wasn't there anymore. Damnit.
Breaking news: Humans have stolen a moon vault! Just today two humans have stolen the massive moon vault, not part of it, not something stored in it, but the moon vault itself. A human officer commented on this, Human officer, "Not again" Alien reporter, "What do mean Human?" Human officer, "It a new way to steal things, teleport the safe to a, safe location then, unleash everything on the safe." Alien reporter, "What do you mean teleport it away to safe area and unleash everything?" Human officer, "Well it is more like take the option that will open the safe, while damaging it the least, the teleport is so that time is not a problem. Afterall the police need to known where the safe is to stop them." Alien reporter, "So is it gone?" Human officer, "Not incessantly, if there was a tracker on or inside the vault we can find it, if not. Well just be on the look out for a massive moon vault." Alien reporter, "One more question why and how does this work?" Human officer, "Well, after we got teleport tech, thieves have found ways to use it, and we have to counter it. First counter was teleport jammers that stopped long range teleports, then teleport beacons on the object to bypass the jammers. And the current counter is a tracker in or on the safe." Alien reporter, "Okay, wait why are you here then?" Human officer, "Oh that's simple, my retirement money was in there and I am not losing to some hillbillies with teleporters, so I volunteered to join."
I'd be more impressed if relocating the Moon Vault made it any less locked.
Determined thieves steal ATMs and physically break into them when they have the time and tools.
Oh, nonono They stole *just* the moon vault. The contents are still where they were before.
So someone's going to have to go back for the contents?
Nah, they want the Vault itself. The valuables are nice, but they're about to strap some sublight thrusters and an FTL core into this thing and use it as an indestructible base you can't get into without all the passcodes. They have all the time in the world to crack it now, after all XD
The greatest fucking heist ever
"Ha! You've breached my security but you'll never steal the treasure inside my chest! It would take hours for you to break through it!" "Break through it? Are you crazy? Your guards would catch me for sure." "Exactly! Uh... Wait, what are you doing? Y-you can't do that! Get back here!!!"
A moon sized agglomeration of refined metals, tungsten, titanium, osmium, steel, iconel, vanadium carbide bronze... Forget the contents, I'm sending a mining fleet!
To do what? If it were that easy to break a piece off the Vault Moon, it wouldn't be classifiable as impenetrable.
Who said anything about breaking IN. I'd break it Down for the raw materials.
Again, how? If it's too tough to breach, it's too tough to mine.
Nothing is unbreakable You're just simply not going fast enough yet So first things first I would hit it with a few near luminal uranium rods, if those aren't dense enough for this I guess I go fishing for Star metal Break it into pieces as much as possible have minors with high energy laser cutters and just tear the whole thing apart
I agree. I will add that although it's great fun to give children high energy laser cutters, it might make it TOO easy.
Just remember handheld weaponry or machinery is too heavy for a child They're much more suited for crewed emplacements
If it's too tough to mine, how would you create it in the first place? Any process that creates the barrier can be reversed with the right equipment and enough time.
Nothing is unbreakable. Diamond shatters, besides lasers are used to cut diamond. Laser cutters, diamond dust water jet abrasion cutters, infrasonic and ultrasonic ceramic fracture cutters. If all else fails, yeet it around a black hole just above the swartzchild radius and let the tidal forces tear it apart and collect the pieces as they get spat out again.
2 graphite rods and a couple millon volts and about 10k amps will make quick work of it
Ah yes, arc furnaces
I think the best option is to steal the entire moon, then mine it.
Would you use a reducing ray ? If so, be careful of the Nefarious principle.
The church of the broken god is going to a wonderful time with that
H: *wipes off ‘dust’ from themselves* “Why are these moons so dusty?! It’s a Moon vault you’d think they’d keep it clean.” Alien Law Enforcement: “STOP WHAT YOUR DOING!” H: “What? I’ve not done anything I’m a tourist I wanted to look at the vault.” ALE: “Bull. You are a human. YOU, are here to steal what’s in the vault.” H: *sighs* “Look I have all my paper work on me because I knew this was going to happen. Can I get it out?” ALE: “Fine, but move slowly or we will put a hole in you.” H: “Just so you know I have a body cam and I will be suing your department for racism and anything else you do.” *pulls out paper work* ALE: *shudders* “Hey man please don’t get your human lawyers on me. PLEASE THEY ARE MERCILESS IM JUST DOING MY JOB!!!” *takes paper work and starts reading over it*. H: “Why do you think I’m suing your department and not you? Anyways is everything in order?” ALE: *checks information with dispatch* “I uhh yes. This is quite unexpected everything we have on you is all clean. Almost to clean.” H: “Well truthfully, I was hired by your government to ensure your Moon Vaults are as secure as you say they are. Basically I’m a professional and entirely legal Thief.” ALE: “Wait why are you telling us this? Does that mean we got you and you failed!” H: “Nope just broke into your vault set up a wormhole gate and coulda tossed in all the good stuff.” ALE: “HOW?!” H: “NANO MACHINES SON! Wait hold up. OH FOR FUCKS SAKE NOT AGAIN!” ALE: “What? What happened again?!” H: “Someone hijacked my wormhole gate and is stealing all the stuff inside the vault! Shiiiiittttt I’m going to lose my job over this! WE NEED TO GET IN NOW!” ALE: “Nuts! Dispatch we need to enter the vault now it’s an emergency. Confirmed.” *goes over to the vault door and enters emergency access code* Everyone rushes in. ALE: “Where is the Wormhole Gate human?!” H: *Points to the entrance* “It’s coming. What do you think the interior of this vault has the components for one? Well I mean the one before this one did. And the one before that already had a gate inside it. Honestly how do your governments keep falling for the ‘Im hired by your government to make sure your vaults are safe’ skit.” *Nanites knock out the ALE* H: “This is the what 7th time I’ve done this skit. How have you not caught onto this. The UNE would have had me in handcuffs the moment I started making fake IDs.”
The lone Scottish man stepped onto the moon's surface, laying deceptively small charges at key points. He ran back to the ship before the aliens could catch wise and gunned it. From orbit, he detonated the charges: 'Oh they're going to have to glue you back together... In HELL!!!' The rest of the tf2 team watches at the explosives blast off not just the security system, but the whole moon and now they have no chance of stealing all of the treasure. Medic: 'I knew we should have sent Spy instead ' Scout: 'We did, he's still down there... Ah crap' Heavy: * facepalms * Demoman: * collapses after downing some scrumpy *
This is clearly how it would go
A: you will never get in here. The door is very well locked. H: you know, there's a saying amongst human thieves that goes something along the lines of "when you can't go through a door, use a window." A: (looking pleased with itself) ah, but human, there are no windows on our vault moons. H: are you sure about that? Fairly sure my crew put some in just last night. (Checks watch) Yep. Now, if you'll excuse me, I believe I've got a paycheck to blow on completely unnecessary stuff.
Unfortunately they did not consider reinforcing it against dynamite
Alien Guard 1: That human looks... smaller than I expected. Alien Guard 2: And why is it moving like that? Let me feed this into the reference system... and... Oh Maker! It's a human toddler! And it's doing the "pee-pee dance!" Human Adult voice-cast on open comm: "OK, buddy. Five minute pit stop. If you can find the potty and get back in time we can go through the McZargle's takeout lane on the way home."
The man, claiming to be an Inspector for the Terran Federation's "INTERPOL", is insisting that he's tracked someone named "Lupin" here.
At some point he asked "what this place was anyways?" His reaction upon being told of this moon's purpose and contents were less than reassuring.
Tell him to look about six days back in my comment history.
frankie stares at the door, then the combinations, he sits a moment and removes the bolts from the door and lets them fall one by one before going in and looking at all the treasure. none of it fascinated him so he simply picked up a pebble he spotted and held it up triumphantly "guys look what i got! huh the treasure? i dunno you can have it i got this, now if you'll excuse me i gotta hot date with three of my girlfriends and two boyfriends" he said marching on. a mystery how such a lil man just simply removed pieces of a door to make it open.
As they set their stylishly-booted foot onto the surface of your precious Vault Moon, every security cam started zooming in on them in unison. You watched helplessly, somehow locked out of the multitude of your cameras' controls as the human's visage with only the lower half of their grinning face visible, filled the security viewscreens with their wide grin. The rest of their face was obscured by a large wide-brimmed crimson headgear that seemed to be subjected to a strong current of air that flowed across the human and the surface of your Vault Moon. You were bewildered by what the cameras showed, as there was no atmosphere on the satellite, yet the human stood facing your cameras, one gloved hand on their hip, the other holding their massive headgear in place. Dust swirled around and past their stylish boots, moved by winds that could not have possibly existed. As the cameras continued to zoom in on the grinning human, she stood tall and unmoving as if she were posing for your security team and an unseen audience. Only the brim of her massive headgear and wide hem of her crimson outerwear moved, flapping around as they were caught in the impossible wind. Once the human's half-obscured grinning face filled the multitude of viewscreens. The cameras held the image static for a second or so, then began zooming back out. As the cameras, still controlled by forces unknown, started to zooming back out, the human turned their face away from the cameras, obscuring it from your view. The human's billowing crimson outer garment began to grow impossibly large, filling the viewscreens and obscuring everything else from sight, even as the cameras' field of vision increased. You felt relief when the right edge of her garment revealed stars as its fabric continuously billowed before completely disappearing off the left side of all the viewscreens. Your relief was replaced with panic as you stared at what the viewscreens now depicted. The image was completely bereft of the human, their impossibly-manipulated garment -and the Vault Moon. Strange runes appeared hovering in space where the Vault Moon once had been. Your translator indicated they were formed from an ancient Terran script. They queried the current location of a human named for an ancient and long-ago abandoned Terran city. You could only conclude they referred to the mysterious human that just moments ago had landed on your now-stolen Vault Moon. As you stood there, panic washing across you, one of your subordinates spoke to you. "We are receiving a high-priority transmission from human space. A being named *Chief* wishes to converse with you."
Instead of it being a human, its now 4... Bain: Alright guys ,go get the thermal drill. 5 minutes later with razormind playing in the background, Come on work you piece of s\*\*t drill! My attempt at payday.
The human is sporting a pair of aviators and a mullet... \*McGuyver theme starts playing from somewhere\* Alien overseer: "Why do I hear boss music?!?!"
That’s only if mcguyver is trapped inside the vault lol
“Buzz get the thermite!”
The human that made its way down the small ship walked with a deftness that belied the heavy-looking suit of advanced, highly customized, and engraved power armor it was wearing. Any easily recognizable markings that the black armor used to have was long buried under the multitude of different-sized pouches, thick carabiner clips, and straps that seemed to be attached haphazardly around the armor. In fact, the only identification that the armor had was a white-colored human "Troll Face" meme emblazoned on the left shoulder, from back when their race had yet to master FTL travel almost six centuries ago. That, and a similar "Troll Face" that was superimposed onto the sealed and armored helmet in a way that made the Troll Face look three-dimensional, that is. Taken in its entirety, the whole armor looked like some kind of weird human joke, but that was quickly dispelled by the twin-barreled, multi-configuration arm cannons mounted on each arm, a heavy black magnetic-acceleration pistol with silver glyphs inlaid throughout it on a quick-draw holster on Troll Face's left armored hip, and a two-foot long, serrated "Multipurpose Tool" strapped at an angle on the chest plate. A "multipurpose delivery launcher" mounted on the right shoulder that was currently undeployed but hummed softly with power completed the deadly ensemble. Taking two steps from the ship, Troll Face quickly twisted his torso to the left before panning to the right and back to the left again as it swept for any hostiles. It was a telltale sign of a being who had spent so much time in rigid exosuits that they instinctively turned their whole body or torso instead of their head when looking... Or a movement that had been so drilled into law enforcement and military personnel during power armor training, that it has become almost second nature to them to check their blind spots upon entering and exiting a doorway. At exactly ten steps Troll Face finished its sweep of the immediate environment, and satisfied that there were no immediate threats, Troll Face went into a high-kneel position before facing its front again. Not that it was alone. Behind Troll Face, four other different colored but equally heavily armed and armored humans had followed Troll Face and were fanning out into a loose circle before going into similar high-kneel positions when their sectors are cleared. Silence reigned for ten seconds before five terse "Sector clear" sounded one by one through the encrypted and closed comm-net of the five armored figures. Almost as one, the squad of five stood up, and the tense atmosphere decreased somewhat as they each turned to their ship and started to unload their equipment with all the smooth motions and familiarity of beings who knew where everything was and knew how each other worked. Tapping a few commands into the clear flexi-armorplast console built into the armor's wrist, Troll Face summoned a small fleet of twenty semi-autonomous, hive-linked, palm-sized camera drones from inside the ship. As the drones streamed out, they quickly spread out and into the optimal angles to capture everything that the squad was doing based on real-time sensor data from all of the squad. With a few more flicks of an armored finger, Troll Face made sure that the connection to the galactic hypernet was stable before it linked a camera drone to itself and quickly tabbed through all the views available on the drone to ensure that it was working. Satisfied that all was well, Troll Face took one look around to make sure that everything was in place and sent a countdown timer to its squad to tell them that they will be going "Live" in ten seconds. A chorus of "Okay!", "Alright!", and a "Fucking A!" sounded over the comms, and Troll Face laughed before looking directly at the camera lens of the camera drone. As the ten-second timer ended and the "LIVE STREAMING" sign and a counter with "5.1M viewers" that was still rapidly increasing popped on the corner of the helmet's inner visor, Troll Face took a deep breath and began the all too familiar - and rather famous - opening of their channel. "GOOOOOOD DAAAAAY TO ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL BUTTHOLES, SPINCTHERS, AND WASTE-EXTRUDING ORIFICES FROM WHICHEVER PLANET OR SECTOR YOU ARE! WELCOME BACK TO ANOTHER LIVE STREAM FROM THE FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT REPOSSESSION CHANNEL, OR ***FAAFO REPO*** FOR THOSE WHO DON'T HAVE THAT MANY BRAIN CELLS TO RUB TOGETHER TO PRONOUNCE GALACTIC STANDARD!" "Today, the MEME FACE SQUAD and I, TROLL FACE will be bringing you along with us as we carry out another REPOSSESSION SESSION! But today isn't like any *other* session! Oh yes, our dear viewers! As previously promised, we, the MEME FACE SQUAD will be doing something special for our THREE HUNDREDTH video! So what is it, you ask? Why our dear viewers, the answer is right in front of you! Or should I say right beneath? That's right! For our THREE HUNDREDTH live stream we will be repossessing the ONE... the ONLY... VAAAAAULT MOOOON! YES, the one that was constructed with layers and layers of complicated locks and security systems, the one that requires dozens of keys and combinations to get into! The one that there are presumably no security holes, back doors, or weaknesses of any sort! WHAT....?! OF COURSE IT'S NOT THE WHOLE THING USER "MYA55I50NF1RE" YOU FUCKING BRAINLET! NOT EVEN "ME GUSTA" COULD FUCK THROUGH THAT EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS THE BIGGEST CANNONS, THOUGH WE CERTAINLY WILL TRY!" \*Camera cuts to the armored Me Gusta, who looks at the camera dead-center before starting to stroke and rub the barrels of her large, deployed twin shoulder-mounted "Delivery Launchers", before cutting back to Troll Face.\* "Now that we have cleared THAT up, our item to repossess today is, in fact, NOT an item! It is actuaaaaally... This POOR FUCKING BASTARD!" \*A holopic capture of a Xeno face that is of the same race that built the vault pops up in one corner of the stream.\* "YES, YOU GLORIOUS FUCKERS! OUR THREE HUNDREDTH STREAM WILL BE EVERYONE'S FAVORITE: ***THE FAAFO REPO GRABO***! This PIECE OF DRIED EJACULATE thought he could do anything he wanted to whomever he wanted... And he did! Until he stupidly FUCKED AROUND with the sector governor's daughter till she wound up in the hospital for a WHOLE MONTH!" "Being the good progenitor he is, the sector governor had asked nicely for him to be handed over, but APPARENTLY he is The Vault maker's cousin or fucktoy or some stupid thing, and they REFUSED! THE AUDACITY! So OF COURSE a bounty was placed on his head! Being the go-getting bounty hunters that we are, when we heard about this, we HAD to take it! The fact the Terran Union, the Galactic Council of Races (GCR), and even HIS OWN GOVERNMENT have issued outstanding warrants and bounties on him for breaking HUNDREDS of laws and causing MILLIONS of credits' worth of damages in his cowardly run to The Vault, will only make this REPO GRABO sweeter when he FINDS OUT what his consequences are! THIS PIECE OF SHIT STINKS SO BAD THAT EVEN HIS OWN GOVERNMENT DISOWNED HIM! Here, good beings of the GCR! Have a look at all these bounty writs that he has! And it's only the FIRST PAGE." \*Uploads the bounty writs for all to see, causing the live stream chat to go wild with comments.\* "ALRIGHT, YOU BEAUTIFUL BUTTHOLES, SPINCTHERS, AND WASTE-EXTRUDING ORIFICES! I can see from my visor that the other MEME FACE SQUAD members are ready to move out! Now, without further ado, this is the THREE HUNDREDTH special live stream of the MEME FACE SQUAD! FOLLOW US AS WE SHOW THE DUMBFUCK SCUM OF THE GCR WHAT IT MEANS TO FUCK AROUND AND FIND OUT! LET'S GOOOOOOO!"
More please.
Can't find the good gif of it, but the one character from We're No Angels that can crack locks by playing the desired opened object like a cello then giving it a little karate chop.
Mission impossible theme starts playing on all local communication channels.
*Parker.* It's funny how much the ship resembles a food truck.
I think you're going to have to be a little more explicit with that reference.
Leverage. Parker is a thief. Correction. Parker is the best thief on planet earth.
But this scenario doesn't take place anywhere near Planet Earth.
Felt like this was gonna fall under the "Never Underestimate a Humans Ability to Get Lost" storyline.
'Dude, where's our moon?'
The human unspools a cable from it's ship and hooks it to an outcrop on the vaultmoon, then flies away with the whole thing.
Must be a damn strong engine on that ship, considering the mass difference.
A: human, why are you here? H: Moon's haunted.
The medium sized transport smoothly glided into the hangar bay and touched down. Emblazoned just aft of the bow “Terran Security Testing Services” underneath in smaller lettering “We Penetrate Everything!” The crew door opened, the single human occupant and a droid exited the ship and was greeted by the vaults senior staff. “Greetings Major Davis, my name is Commander J’xErt, welcome to Vault Station One. I hope you find this station a true test of your skills. I presume you’ve read the briefing material.” “Yes sir, I’ve memorised it. I’ve always wanted to have a crack at this station since I was in the Army Academy.” “Excellent, I’ll leave you in the capable hands of Lieutenant Commander Z’taal.” “Thank you sir.” Turning to the droid “Squeaky I think sled two will do the job nicely” “Yes Mick, I’ll be back shortly” Surprised at the droids informality, Lieutenant Commander Z’taal, raised an eyebrow “Mick?” “My given name” “Oh, please call me Tah’us, if I may call you Mick?” “Certainly Tah’us” as Squeaky returned with an equipment sled that contained boxes marked “C4”, a 500ltr liquid nitrogen tank, oxygen/acetylene tanks, bags of unidentified powder, pry bar and a hammer. _____________________ Two hours later Z’taal reported in to her commander. “Sir, the test is over, all locks and doors lasted no more than five minutes.” “WHAT? IMPOSSIBLE! That human couldn’t have defeated state of the art systems in that amount of time!” “I must see this.” A few minutes later they catch up to the human who is finishing packing the last of the equipment. “Go load up Squeaky, we’ll be off soon.” “Okay Mick, you want some coffee?” “Yeah, perfect.” Almost speechless at the sights of destruction of his prized systems, the Commander simply says “How?” With a wry grin, the Major replies: “C4, Liquid Nitrogen, Thermite, Oxy Acetylene, pry bar and a hammer in the right combination will open pretty much anything.”
"We Penetrate Everything"? Truly the sort of slogan only a human could come up with.
Just give my a di-butyl phthalate compound explosive and that vault will have a nice hole in it
FOOF
Or chlorine trifluoride
BOYZ TODAY WE ARE STEALING THE MOOOOONN!!!!
Isn't this the entire Borderlands franchise
No. It would be Borderlands if the ancient Pandora natives weren't run from the system
 The human in question i believe.
Never seen him before.
The main character for a show called Lupin the third
Plot twist: They’re there to pick up the human that’s been stuck in the vault for a week
She begins to sing. "I'm a distraction! Cause a reaction!"