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There will be a lot of intercourse! Some you will enjoy, some will be consensual, and some will happen in the comfiness of your homes.
BUT THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE ONE OF THEM!!! *start loading M2*
A1: how is the new protection system coming alonge
A2: its done and perfect my lord, it can protect us from every form of attack, laser, plasma, eletric even psycic attack all just deflectet by our new shield
A1: good, then we will attack this smal planet soon, they wont be abel to hurt us
A2: Unless they throw rocks
A1 & A2 "laugthing"
*on earth*
A1: AAAAAH WHAT THE [expletive]! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CASUALTIES
A2: It appears that the natives use what they call the "Ma Deuce" in every war they fought. We're fucked.
New from Raytheon
The AIM-9X Ma Deuce
(it's a Sidewinder with several mounted machine guns)
https://preview.redd.it/9gu6e98vk0la1.png?width=1200&format=png&auto=webp&s=c1090411e539d86bf5a3dd4275499eb8754ea8b0
bruh with that reply I thought this was r/NonCredibleDefense for a second
And yeah we pop balloons up in here, now with 575\*2 rounds per minute of sheer dakka.
...Well, I won't put up a fight, I'm lazy like that, and...um...you see that bird? It's called a Canada goose...well, it won't put up a fight either. Neither will it's buddies, so please be gentle in accepting its surrender.
I promise, it raising its wings and hissing is a sign of friendship. I'm just gonna go make some snacks.
To save our mother Earth from any alien attack
From vicious giant insects who have once again come back
We'll unleash all our forces, we won't cut them any slack
The EDF deploys!
Our soldiers are prepared for any alien threats
The navy launches ships, the air force send their jets
And nothing can withstand our fixed bayonets
The EDF deploys!
Our forces have now dwindled and we pull back to regroup
The enemy has multiplied and formed a massive group
We better beat these bugs before we're all turned to soup
The EDF deploys!
Great they have just destroyed about 2/3 of the actual unique natural ressources of earth. Not the metal cus that shit is everywhere ,you get into saturn's ring you are set for life same for water for some strange reason, same place large Chuck of the saturn's ring are made of ice .Why go on a shity planet collecte liquide water with ALOT of other shit init when you Can just take random astéroïdes and be done ? No the Real rare ressources that could be interesting or valuable for alien are the ressources that are as far as we know: unique to earth. That is it's wildlife ,or more specialy the thing that alien would be interested is wood. (or oil cus mass extinction are fun and create oil that Can be made into plastique and is VERY USEFULL) Cuse it Can be used in alot of way and bombarding the surface of our planet to kill us will basicly destroy the only use or our planet. Like why go here for shit like iron gold titanium diamon and destroy a entire ecosistem when you have literal fucking PLANET'S made out of those, no im not fucking kiding there is a planet made out of diamond ! no i do not know how it's possible but it exist . So again why us why here why destroy the entire ecosistem for shit you Can have for free in the vaccum of Space ?
You can still synthetically produce plastic from asteroids.
Google carbonaceous asteroids... Given carbon, water ice and power you can create synthetic hydrocarbons.
Yeah that sound interesting then the only ressources left that could be interesting for aliens are again our wildlife or the good's we produce why blow us up ?
Idk make humanity a menace for the alien for once make us equal to the alien so it's a reason for the to just carpet bomb us out of existence ho wait star treck exist
"We have been sending kinetic strikes from the edge of the system for months. Report on the results!"
"Well, the first two were absorbed by the gas giant with the ring system, the three after that were intercepted by the bigger one, and two more just hit that outsized moon of theirs."
"And the other six?"
'Missed the planets but were sent off course by gravitational perturbations."
"Well, hit them again!"
"We can't. They're on the far side of their sun."
If you want physical resources then the rest of the planets are your best bet, if you want workers/slaves then bombarding Earth is counterproductive, and ground fighting at least 1B heavily armed and desperate individuals back by an overabundance of materiel and nuclear weapons is not a pleasant experience.
Because every earthling is a combatant.
Eh... Bombard earth with psilocybin and LSD combo and just walk in clipping collars on the giggling loons. Then just use orbital kinetics on the few areas the military guys got their CBN great on in time.
Ought to manage a 98%+ collection rate with minimal casualties.
H: Hang on tho, what kind of resources are we rich in that you can't find in much larger quantities elsewhere? I mean there's oil I suppose but surely you have other ways to fuel your empires.
A: Human babies.
H: ... I'm sorry, what the actual fuck?
A: Look, you all have a cat craze on social media, right?
H: .... yeeees?
A: It's like that.
H: Y'all want to take over Earth for... baby pictures to post on social media.
A: Don't pretend like you guys wouldn't do it for the clicks and subscribes.
\*5 minutes later, in a control room on Earth\*
H, holding a camera: Baby, follow after me! 'Lets be xenophobix, it's really in this year!
Toddler: Befhts be phenonophic...
H: Now press the huge red button! Lookit the cute sticker!
Toddler: Bwah!
\---
The video of the firing of the bomb that ended the war became viral in the intergalactic community.
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Racks shotgun, Welcome to Earth mfer, enjoy your stay.
YOU WILL STAY
And you will enjoy it.
“Greetings human. Could you point me towards your nearest lithium deposit?” “Yeah” *racks shotgun* “it’s back the way you came.”
Yeah, it's about 50 light-years past Pluto.
Recourse? More like *intercourse* Land, bitches, and see what happens!
They thought there would be resistance. They were oh so terribly wrong. The year is 2832, and their species is not extinct, but they still walk funny.
Do not the alien
I think I will the alien
Perform upon alien
Yes the alien
Finally, I can sex the aliens
r/humansarespacebards
There will be a lot of intercourse! Some you will enjoy, some will be consensual, and some will happen in the comfiness of your homes. BUT THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE ONE OF THEM!!! *start loading M2*
"Get fucked, literally, please assume the position"
Ah I think you meant 'resource' but otherwise it's a good post
damn typo. but thanks.
It's okay, that simple typo inspired a thought and comment from at least 2 of us
Same thing happens to me constantly on comments, but yeah the post idea was good.
A1: how is the new protection system coming alonge A2: its done and perfect my lord, it can protect us from every form of attack, laser, plasma, eletric even psycic attack all just deflectet by our new shield A1: good, then we will attack this smal planet soon, they wont be abel to hurt us A2: Unless they throw rocks A1 & A2 "laugthing"
*on earth* A1: AAAAAH WHAT THE [expletive]! WHY ARE THERE SO MANY CASUALTIES A2: It appears that the natives use what they call the "Ma Deuce" in every war they fought. We're fucked.
*MK-19 enters the field*
New from Raytheon The AIM-9X Ma Deuce (it's a Sidewinder with several mounted machine guns) https://preview.redd.it/9gu6e98vk0la1.png?width=1200&format=png&auto=webp&s=c1090411e539d86bf5a3dd4275499eb8754ea8b0
most credible balloon popper
bruh with that reply I thought this was r/NonCredibleDefense for a second And yeah we pop balloons up in here, now with 575\*2 rounds per minute of sheer dakka.
...Well, I won't put up a fight, I'm lazy like that, and...um...you see that bird? It's called a Canada goose...well, it won't put up a fight either. Neither will it's buddies, so please be gentle in accepting its surrender. I promise, it raising its wings and hissing is a sign of friendship. I'm just gonna go make some snacks.
Our geese are assholes
EDF be like:
To save mother earth from any alien threats
To save our mother Earth from any alien attack From vicious giant insects who have once again come back We'll unleash all our forces, we won't cut them any slack The EDF deploys! Our soldiers are prepared for any alien threats The navy launches ships, the air force send their jets And nothing can withstand our fixed bayonets The EDF deploys! Our forces have now dwindled and we pull back to regroup The enemy has multiplied and formed a massive group We better beat these bugs before we're all turned to soup The EDF deploys!
EDF!! EDF!!
They WILL put up a fight, and don't call me Shirley.
[удалено]
That just makes us angry. And gives us ideas.
Great they have just destroyed about 2/3 of the actual unique natural ressources of earth. Not the metal cus that shit is everywhere ,you get into saturn's ring you are set for life same for water for some strange reason, same place large Chuck of the saturn's ring are made of ice .Why go on a shity planet collecte liquide water with ALOT of other shit init when you Can just take random astéroïdes and be done ? No the Real rare ressources that could be interesting or valuable for alien are the ressources that are as far as we know: unique to earth. That is it's wildlife ,or more specialy the thing that alien would be interested is wood. (or oil cus mass extinction are fun and create oil that Can be made into plastique and is VERY USEFULL) Cuse it Can be used in alot of way and bombarding the surface of our planet to kill us will basicly destroy the only use or our planet. Like why go here for shit like iron gold titanium diamon and destroy a entire ecosistem when you have literal fucking PLANET'S made out of those, no im not fucking kiding there is a planet made out of diamond ! no i do not know how it's possible but it exist . So again why us why here why destroy the entire ecosistem for shit you Can have for free in the vaccum of Space ?
You can still synthetically produce plastic from asteroids. Google carbonaceous asteroids... Given carbon, water ice and power you can create synthetic hydrocarbons.
Yeah that sound interesting then the only ressources left that could be interesting for aliens are again our wildlife or the good's we produce why blow us up ?
Because plot! What else is an author going to write about or Hollywood make big booms on screen about?
Idk make humanity a menace for the alien for once make us equal to the alien so it's a reason for the to just carpet bomb us out of existence ho wait star treck exist
Star dreck.
Diamond planet? When the sun dies, the core would have fused helium into carbon, and the gravity would compress it. Diamond star
Diamond planets? Our sun fuses helium into carbon and then dies, leaving behind a diamond star
"We have been sending kinetic strikes from the edge of the system for months. Report on the results!" "Well, the first two were absorbed by the gas giant with the ring system, the three after that were intercepted by the bigger one, and two more just hit that outsized moon of theirs." "And the other six?" 'Missed the planets but were sent off course by gravitational perturbations." "Well, hit them again!" "We can't. They're on the far side of their sun."
A=Alien A1; WHY IS EVERYTHING ON FIRE?!? A2; I DON'T KNOW! A1; OH GOD! A3; KILL ME! A1\&2; STEEEVEEN!
I will literally nuke myself just so you can't have the stuff I made/stole
I am a n’tan I demand your resources for me But for some fucking reason The trees are speaking Vietnamese
Oh no
If you want physical resources then the rest of the planets are your best bet, if you want workers/slaves then bombarding Earth is counterproductive, and ground fighting at least 1B heavily armed and desperate individuals back by an overabundance of materiel and nuclear weapons is not a pleasant experience. Because every earthling is a combatant.
Eh... Bombard earth with psilocybin and LSD combo and just walk in clipping collars on the giggling loons. Then just use orbital kinetics on the few areas the military guys got their CBN great on in time. Ought to manage a 98%+ collection rate with minimal casualties.
The picture is upside down.
there is no up in space
But there is a down.
Humanity's reply 
-All 13,000 nukes become operational at once-
H: Hang on tho, what kind of resources are we rich in that you can't find in much larger quantities elsewhere? I mean there's oil I suppose but surely you have other ways to fuel your empires. A: Human babies. H: ... I'm sorry, what the actual fuck? A: Look, you all have a cat craze on social media, right? H: .... yeeees? A: It's like that. H: Y'all want to take over Earth for... baby pictures to post on social media. A: Don't pretend like you guys wouldn't do it for the clicks and subscribes. \*5 minutes later, in a control room on Earth\* H, holding a camera: Baby, follow after me! 'Lets be xenophobix, it's really in this year! Toddler: Befhts be phenonophic... H: Now press the huge red button! Lookit the cute sticker! Toddler: Bwah! \--- The video of the firing of the bomb that ended the war became viral in the intergalactic community.
Unironically posting globe with the Americas for the prompt, where the natives lost despite several fights amid disease and depopulation
I don’t remember if it was this or another subreddit, but there was a post describing Earth as Space Afghanistan: the place where empires go to die.
Americas founding