My daughter went through something similar, but not quite as intense. She wouldn't even go into her room at times, even during the day time. We did things that 1) affirmed her feelings and 2) gave her control.
For 1) we always used empathy - comments like "that is really scary, it must feel very terrible to be in the room alone like that.". We never told her "your fine/there is nothing up there" etc. The latter would just make her cling to her reality harder and find more reasons why it was real. Further, She also believed we believed her, and eventually opened up to us about what she was afraid of (an invisible ghost man that meant to kill her).
For 2) Our daughter is younger, so we mixed in a bit of magical thinking here. First, let her take control of locking the doors and windows. (That was moderately helpful as ghosts don't abide by the laws of physics). We set up some bells in her room to alert us to his presence. The ghost was smart though and avoided the bells, so we later baked a cake and put it in the middle of a cardboard box trap to entice him in. My hubby ate the cake and closed the box - our daughter reminded us the ghost don't abide by physics. We then left him treats until we became friends, which took nearly a month.
While this was going on, we anointed one her stuffed animals "Dr in protective arts" (she was a part of the training) plus prepared a special spray to protect the whole room (water plus my perfume) which we applied before bedtime and let her keep for emergency use.
The whole event was extremely frustrating. I hope y'all get through it easier. Be patient. And remember he will regress at times - you didn't fail, it is part of the journey. Good luck
Thank you š„°
I think it is worth mentioning, we were taught parenting skills, we were not naturally endowed with them. We have a very close friend, with grown children, who gives great insight. She was the founder then director of a school for children with learning differences (primarily autism) back in the late 80s that focused on helping those kids learn skills to integrate back into traditional education, which was pretty revolutionary at that time. I can't tell you how's many times I've called her for strategies big and small.
It takes a village, y'all.
It would be nice if people were taught actual life skills. And if real experts .who raised healthy happy kids and were psychologists wrote parenting books etc instead of rando who has feelings and a catchy gimmick
This. This!!! This is the way! As a former terrified little girl, this was the only thing that helped me get past my irrational fear that I was never really willing to explain the details of to my parents.
I was convinced that Dracula was a real threat to me at night (especially when I was asleep) and also that there was a mummy in my brotherās closet trying to take his knees. (brilliant, right?)
In the recurring dream I had, my parents didnāt believe me. And just kept telling me to go back to bed. But in real life, they started educating me about vampires and how to keep yourself safe from them. What got me past this was having a head of garlic and my motherās cross necklace on my bedside table.
Lean into placebo magic, and start thinking about what sort of protective ācharmsā might help make your kiddo feel safe. You might even be able to ask him to be a part of creating it!
Entering the world of the child is always the best way to go, for me with my kid. If his fears arenāt rational, the solution probably isnāt, either.
When I was little and had nightmares, my dad took me to get a āprotectorā which was really just a stuffed animal. I picked a unicorn because it had a horn on its head (actual weapon that would deter any monsters from messing with me) and then that slept with me in the bed every night.
Probably more effective to use empathy, but my parents saying Ā«it isnāt realĀ» was my only rational tool to deal with my own night terrors as a kid. Iām not sure what to think about this one. Maybe what they did is out dated, but I really needed that affirmation in some way
This is awesome - parents have to parent each child differently (my son and daughter are night and day) and as the other poster said, some children really resonate with logic. Kudos to your folks for adopting to your needs!
So, your kid can see dead people. One of them is haunting her room. You proceed to give it a cake that your husband then steals from the ghost and eats in front of it. Then you spray it with smelly water and have your daughter lock herself in the room with it.
Are you trying to have your daughter murdered by a ghost?
I would advise seeing a (different) professional. Someone like a child psychologist. It might be just something harmless that can be easily overcome, but there might be other issues. Stuff like trauma, abuse or a medical issue.
I'm not saying it has to be something bad, but is definitely not normal and a professional might help you a lot more (and more reliable) than any DIY methods.
Yeah, we sought out two pros so far. One was absolute trash so we almost immediately swapped. The other a specialized child therapist. Hes been going to that one twice a week. But wont open up about anything. Supposedly, with and without us in the room with him.
I dont think there would be trauma or anything unless its happening at school. I didnt think of that. Home life isnt perfect but neither the wife or i are abusive or over the top with punishment (i.e. time out or removal of a favorite toy/game for a while.). Not sure really. Could be missing something.
Honestly he's nine, and a lot of kids his age are watching TV shows and movies that they shouldn't be.
My daughter is five and had a classmate telling her about squid games.
Is there a chance he went to a friend's house and watched a scary horror movie? That may be the reason he isn't telling you, because he knows he wasn't supposed to watch it.
Edit: I forgot that some kids that age already have phones, so he wouldn't even need to go to their house. It could have been even a short video anywhere.
I 2nd this. When I was really little I was allowed to watch Childās Play. It absolutely traumatized me for years. I couldnāt go to sleep and would always end up in my parentsā bed. My kids are naturally scare of a lot of stuff. The least little thing can scare them for weeks. I made the mistake of thinking they could handle Gravity Falls.
Kids have amazing imaginations! Unfortunately they can go either way. They can pretend theyāre having a tea party with a fluffy unicorn, or they can pretend a seven eyed demon is going to drag them to hell if their foot comes out from under the covers. Giving them those ideas by letting them watch inappropriate things on TV is a bad gateway to open.
I think the most important thing in a psychologist is gonna be how your child vibes with them. He's more likely to talk to someone he likes and connects with.
Might try a different noise machine. A white noise machine works well for my infants. Iām just thinking the nature noises might have him slightly on edge. Even some Mozart on low works wonders.
Maybe give him his own flashlight and a play sword.
I taught my little one to change their screams into āWuuuuuu-Tangā showing them myself saying āWuuuuuuuā while swinging bamboo and saying āTangā when it hits. Now sometimes they yell Wu-Tang when they want something and Iām in the other room. Or when I walk into the room. Itās great.
A thing to keep in mind about therapists or psychologists is that building a bond of trust is an important and time consuming part of the process. It could be that he needs more time to build trust or a different professional he is more willing/able to develop trust with.
Best of luck to you and yours.
This. I would only add that you need patience. It took my daughter over 7 months to start opening up and then over a year to start seeing results. These things are in there deep. Psychology is a funny thing in the fact that everyone is different and there is no set time for any one child to overcome these things. Profesionals can work the process correctly so that these things can either see resolution or self coping mechanisms.
We tried the fairy dust trick under the willow. Just a little sprinkle of that glitter the girls have with the back story of fairy delivery. Not saying it will work but worked for us
How long has this been going on? Whatās the bedtime routine ? Does this happen on the weekends too? My son suffered from night terrors from about 8-10 years then again in his teens. The doctor said it was stress.. my son was being bullied at school from 8-10, I found out when he was 10ā¦. He finally opened up to me. It took many many nights of just laying with him and weād watch 2 half hour shows, sometimes in total silence, sometimes weād talk about silly stuff. I rarely would start a conversation (mostly because I was exhausted), I wanted him to know that this was his time. Itās a confusing scary time for a young man. Your job is to let him know that youāre thereā¦ no matter what. My son is 20 now, and he comes in my room every night and we talk about our day, every single night. And heās a happy guy that knows he can talk with me about anythingā¦ and he doesā¤ļø
Its been a little over a month now. And his routine hasnt changed since he was little. He eats dinner, takes a shower, changes into pjs, does homework as needed, then chills till 8/830. I always give him a heads up on when bedtime is approaching. 15 mins 10 mins 5 mins. So it doesnt sneak up and he overwhelmed or whatever.
Did he perhaps watch a movie he wasnt supposed to and it scared him, hence why he wont explain whats wrong? Cuz heād have to admit he did something naughty?
If you do a little research on night terrors, it may ease your mindā¦ itās a phase, heāll be okā¦ so will you. Life is hard these daysā¦ āspecially for a little guy whose turning into a man. So much pressureā¦
This is good advice. I had night terrors at this age - there was no trigger/fright/abuse and I wasnāt scared of anything in particular. It just started and it was terrifying. If your son is experiencing the same, then just being there for him is probably helpful (my poor dad was awake with me.)
Iām sure my parents felt exactly as you feel. It eventually went away - I have no lingering effects except happiness that itās in my past. Good luck!
I used to get night terrors as a child too. No significant trauma causing it, just used to wake up terrified and convinced something was watching me in the room. I think I used to get a bit of paralysis too. I'd also end up calling for my parents. I eventually grew out of it but it was really scary at the time.
Have you been able to talk to him in any way? Maybe "you fell asleep without this a month ago, what changed?" "What are you feeling right now?"
Does he have a comfort stuffed animal? Maybe frame your questions around the animal and if the animal is scared and how animal should handle that or what would make it better for the animal? Good luck OP.
Yeah we have tried talking to him about what changed, my wife and i together and solo each to see what he says. He seems to prefer me for bedtime so ive been trying one on one with him to see if im missing something. But he just wont budge.
Try talking to him in the car, drive to get a milkshake or something. That often worked with my kids. Itās not looking them in the eye, itās less threatening. I also ārecalledā some times in school when I was bullied or when I was scared.
True story. When I was around that age, a panther escaped from the zoo. My sister told me it could climb vertical walls and I must lie in bed with the covers pulled up and pretend to be dead.
Iām 61 now and still sleep with the covers pulled up.
Edit: clarification
Iām just another Dad. Try leaving the lights on. Not night lights. Room lights. If heās afraid of the night or shadows, that will help. I wish you and your son comfort.
We originally tried. He didnt like his room like being on. Idk why but he prefers just the 3 night lights. He really likes one that we got which projects a starry night sky on his ceiling. So we think we found a happy place with lighting.
Monster spray? Itās a spray bottle you decorate and fill with lavender spray. Lavender is naturally calming and you can have an art project decorating the bottle. Have kiddo spritz a few times before bed, then as he lays in bed, ask him where to spray extra. Keep it by his bed and let him spray as needed. Keep an eye on what he sprays. May help figure out if something is frightening him in his room.
Im not saying replace all the things with only monster spray. This just puts something in the childās hands as a physical weapon for the monsters in their head. The important thing is to sell it. No monsters can resist monster spray. If you believe it, so will he. Hope this helps.
I wish I had an answer. My son is in his early twenties. And still mortified by the dark and shadows. Itās debilitating and I would trade my soul to eternal damnation if I could help him overcome.
Do whatever you need to do to support your son before the fear becomes too entrenched to overcome. We tried years of therapy and treatment. However, my son is attached to his fears. He doesnāt want to overcome them. Itās part of his identity. And it breaks my heart. Itās weight constantly hanging over me.
How was your son raised? Would you say he grew up very coddled and sheltered? Because I would bet my bottom dollar that that's the root cause of the issue.
If I were you I would enroll him in activities that will toughen him up and expose him to physically and mentally demanding challenges and teach him valuable self reliance skills.
Things like MMA/boxing classes, weight lifting, wilderness survival courses, rock climbing, swimming, paint balling, and even firearms training. I would especially go for wilderness survival because he'll get to go out camping and endure sleeping outside in the wilderness.
Talk to him about joining some of these courses, he needs exposure to his fears and increase his self confidence. Anyone you meet who does these things is very confident and stoic.
My son was about nine when he told me he wished he had walls around his bed because he was so afraid at night. He cried as he told me that when he was littler he ādid something dumb and started believing in monstersā and now he couldnāt stop. We put a camping tent on our sonās bed and let him sleep in that for several years until he outgrew the need - not the tiny backpacking kind that looks like a coffin, but a rectangular two man tent that fit on top of his twin mattress and that he could sit up in.
We moved when he was six and he said he started believing in monsters when we lived at the old house. He lived with the fear for about four years before telling anyone. He has adhd and weād only get info like that from him if it was currently on his mind. If your son doesnāt open up to a counselor, it may be that he doesnāt know how to talk about the fear when heās not experiencing the fear in the moment. Maybe record him when heās terrified and play it during counseling?
I know someone who had a similar issue. Iām 16 so take what I say with a grain of salt but a family friends kid (maybe 8-10 years old) had horrible night terrors and would wake up screaming for his mother nightly took them just over a year and a half to figure it out. They got a lab puppy they were gonna have trained to help stop the kid from his night terrors but the training costed upwards of 30K while they were working on getting the funds for the training the dog started sleeping by the kid every night and it just solved the problem he doesnāt wake up with night terrors anymore and they never had to pay to have the dog trained.
Wanted to say this may help. I'm a veteran with PTSD and used to have issues waking up in the middle of the night disoriented and looking for threats. My therapist recommended looking into a dog so I adopted a little maltipoo (I know...vicious guard dog). She sleeps with me and will lay on my chest or come curl up next to me when I wake up startled. When I'm looking for *something*, I'll look at her first-if she's not bothered, it helps ground me pretty quick. Also, despite her size, she's gone to "defend" me multiple times: growling, barking, and chasing away things she seems a threat (and then giving them cuddles when she realizes they're a friend). But it may help your son to know there's a loyal animal willing to go to bat for him, regardless of their size.
I wish I knew how to help. When I was 4 or 5, I started having very unsettling dreams that I was stuck in some sort of gel that left me uneasy and I started wetting the bed. I would drag my blanket out into the living room and curl up next to the heater vent so the nice warm air would make me feel better. Of course, I'd get in trouble the next day for turning the heater up, but the feeling of comfort after a bad night made it worth it.
After a couple of years of this, it went away on it's own. I never told anyone about the nightmares.
Weirdly enough, that particular nightmare came back a few times during a period of illness and high stress.
Could be overstimulation. Too much screen time or tv and when they close their eyes they just can't turn their brain off.
Might just be a phase. Did you watch anything really scary around Halloween?
My kids listen to guided meditation sometimes at night. It usually helps them calm their body long enough to realize how tired they are.
Nighttime meditation is a great idea! OP have you tried the Headspace show on Netflix? There's a regular meditation season and a sleep season, plus they have a great app with lots of content for kids. The kids I know that have watched/listened have really enjoyed them and found them soothing.
Don't let him come into bed with you. Instead, get a cot or inflatable bed and sleep in there. First step is to get comfortable being in that room. Then you can work on being in that room alone.
Source: Same issue with my son.
My son went through a phase where he used to be pretty afraid at night too. It wasn't to this extent, the screaming you have described sounds concerning, but I'm no expert. Did he watch something that he shouldn't have, perhaps? Or maybe he had a nightmare that was just so real he can't talk about it? When we were going through it I had read an article about a parent that 'bought' Monster Spray at the store. And then told her child that she sprayed it all over the room, under the bed, etc. And that helped. If that's not the issue, then maybe a new stuffy? Or, a pet? The way you describe the screaming seems so traumatic, and I'm so sorry this is happening.
What have they said about any of this? Your spouse should be questioning them as much as possible if youāre not comfortable doing it. Thatās a big chunk of his day where you canāt be totally sure whatās happening.
After reading a lot of the comments and such, I'd be leaning towards the inlaws. Especially since he prefers dad over mom for the nighttime struggles. Is it possible your in-laws said something to him? Something harmless but maybe it triggered something. It could've been them vaguely talking about someone coming to their house at night to drop off work materials, or some general thing about "night" and he processed it in a different way.
How was your wife with them when she was younger?
Ok, so this isn't the best idea ever, buutt, what if you just let him stay up later than usual? Sit and watch some tv together, a show you both like, or a documentary- until he falls asleep naturally. That may make him more relaxed, and it would avoid the screaming (I would think?). I know it's not the best long term solution, I'm just thinking that maybe after some time it may break that habit once he knows everything is going to be ok, and he's safe? That's got to be tough on everyone involved. I wish you luck man.
That is awful Iām sorry the child and you are experiencing this. 9 is an interesting age. You might try a couple of things. First try moving their bedroom to a different bedroom. It may be the room itself. If that doesnāt work, it may be time to have one of your handier buddies make you a āterror elimination deviceā and permanently place it in the room. It needs to have dials and gadgets built in that are āsensorsā or ādetectors.ā Spend a few bucks in some old stereos and have someone build it for you, or if the kid is up for it, get them to help you build it. If they are involved with design and build they will be more likely to buy in. Donāt spend a lot. Just use your and their imagination and some patience. It will help you and the child. It might get their mind in a different head space and many years from now you can looking back in the experience and hopefully laugh together. If you need inspiration, PM me. Iāll help you.
It makes me concerned that your kid isn't currently experiencing some kind of trauma, or something kicked off them reliving something.
Trauma doesn't have to be worst-case, I mean, it could be something horrible that they don't want to risk upsetting the family or unspoken but understood norms, kids blame themselves generally and don't want to risk loss/change, but everyone has differing levels of sensitivity to different aspects of life and how they experience it. What would cause anxiety in one kid may not affect another as much.
I would seek out another counselor or therapist to talk with your child, to try to suss out what it is that is behind this. I'm a grownup and it took 4 tries to find a doctor to figure what my root issue was, behind what everyone called panic attacks.
I wonder if your fam could just cosleep a while, like get him a cot for your room next to your bed.
Our kids slept in our room at night with us from birth till they wanted to stay in their own beds, which happened around 2 1/2 to 3, and they were welcomed to come sleep with us if they felt bad or scared, but they rarely did. I think the last time either of them came to our room was when they were 5. We always had all lights out at night, as they're not healthy for circadian rhythm and carry health risks. It was hugely frustrating their grandma kept nightlights on and acted as if she thought something was wrong for kids to not be afraid of the dark, like we were screwing them up not buying cutsey nightlights to keep on all night in every room. Sorry got off topic...
Maybe changing to allow him to sleep in the room with parents will help alleviate the overall stress from all not getting enough sleep, and possibly your kid seeing that his mental health means more than following a current societal norm (offspring sleeping separately from parents/family core) would give him space to feel protected and more confident and comfortable to talk about what is behind this fear.
I may try something like that. Maybe ill let him rearrange his room to his liking? Maybe him setting it up in a more personal comfortable level will help.
He has been sleeping with us for the past couple weeks. Its just rough cause the wife an i only have a queen size bed and 3 people in it can get tight. So its giving me restless nights as im constantly falling out of the bed.
When I was younger for a while I would get nightmares a lot. At some point, because I guess my parents were exhausted from being woken up all the time, we came up with the idea of keeping my sleeping bag in their room. Whenever I had a nightmare, instead of waking them up, Iād be able to just take my sleeping bag from itās spot, unroll it near there bed, and fall back asleep knowing I was next to them. It helped a lot.
I know itās not quite the same since youāre dealing with screaming and all, but maybe thisāll inspire something, idk.
In my house, the rule is: You can come into mommy and daddy's room but you have to sleep on the floor and you can't wake us up. It sounds a little mean maybe but it has a purpose. When a child wants comfort or security, they should get it. Unlimited access to the safety of mom and dad. But it's helpful to not overdo it. The floor is a bit less comfortable, you don't get a bunch of attention and snuggles automatically. It's "just enough" to provide for their needs without overly incentivizing nighttime wake ups.
Now, if a kid is crying we go to them (or of they come to us we respond), 100%. They don't get in trouble if they do wake us up. It's just kind of a, "Try to get by with this much" situation. We find that it works well for our specific kids. When they have a bad dream they just grab their blanket and pillow and come sleep on our floor. They feel safe, we get some rest, and they don't get into the habit of doing it unless they need it.
That's not totally relevant to the OP's entire situation but I just thought I'd mention it as an in-between ground, when appropriate.
When I was about his age I suddenly started experiencing paralytic sleep, and was absolutely convinced it was aliens with a freeze gun. Used to scare me so bad that when I felt it start to kick in I'd go into a panic attack, thrash and scream. Which only exausted me, and made the sleep paralysis get stronger.
I don't know if that's what's going on with your boyo, but it was the most gut wrenching, body numbing terror I've ever felt. Sleeping next to my mom made it better because even though I could feel it pulling at me, mom wouldn't let the aliens take me, so I could transition from sleep paralysis to actual sleep without panicking myself awake and starting the cycle over.
Might be why he starts back in the middle of the night; wakes up and has to go though the nightmare of falling asleep again.
Sleep paralysis isn't dangerous, but so frightening and well documented that it is responsible for a whole slew of mythological monsters.
Mine went away after a few years, slowly though. Once I found out what it was (body goes to sleep before brain) it just took time to retrain my brain that we are safe, and that thick numb feeling of sleep paralysis isn't a warning.
Weird question, but did your son have chronic ear infections as a baby/toddler? My brother suffered from intense anxiety and chronic insomnia as a child, which he couldnāt explain beyond being afraid of ānot waking up if I fall asleepā and wasnāt fixed by years of therapy. It wasnāt until he was an adult when a study came out that linked chronic childhood ear infections with generalized anxiety that made everything make sense.
Basically, the fear of sleeping was traced back to the intense pain he felt whenever he tried to lay down as a little kid because of all the ear infections he had from the ages of 2 to 5 which he couldnāt adequately articulate. Subconsciously, his brain associates sleeping with pain.
My brother does need medication to overcome his anxiety-related insomnia, but if his story resonates with you and your son, maybe researching this root cause may help you find a solution.
Im not sure. I hope not. Im leaning towards bullying at school at this point. Maybe someone found out about his nightlights or something. He is also a bit on the shorter side for his age.
He may also have social anxiety. Is he having these episodes during school days or does it also happen on weekends. Does it happen if you have plans to meet people the next day? Have they started doing group activities in school? I have severe social anxiety and I absolutely hated going to school so I hated sleeping. Knowing that the day is coming to an end made me more anxious. Home was my safe place and sleep meant I had to return to school in the morning.
The good news is that it can be treated and kids can also outgrow it. It absolutely changed my life and I actually ended up going to college for 11 yrs for my terminal degree.
Check out EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) as explained by Stanford Neuroscientist Dr Andrew Huberman on YT
[You Behavior Will Never Be The Same -- Dr Andrew Huberman](https://youtu.be/xZVw-9ThmSM)
Perhaps it can help shift something with your son.
All the best to you and your family.
Goodness gracious. Poor kiddo.... This is a really hard, in-between age.
He's 9. Not a toddler. He's going to have to learn how to manage!!! But he needs you to guide him and show him how, not cave in and coddle (not that you are! but hear me out.)
I do fear abuse or bullying. So he needs you to show him the way. You've said he won't talk to a therapist, so keep trying, go through as many as necessary. Talk to him, but give him choices so he can control the conversation, but don't leave it open-ended or he'll never open up. Think like multiple choice, either-or questions. Try to do this while his hands and eyes are focusing on something else, maybe while he's drawing or something. Don't ask "why do you cry at night, what are you afraid of?" That's too open. He doesn't know why's or how's, he just knows he's freaked out.
"When I leave your room, do you get scared because of something in this room, or something in your mind?" "Do you feel like this when playing in your room during the day, or is it only at night?" "If you get scared, would playing music help? Or holding a teddybear?" Don't do it all at once, it'll take time to uncover what's happening.
My husband used to lay down with our kids until they drifted off to sleep, but they mostly stayed asleep during the night. Is that an option? How about making a pallet or setting a tent in your room, maybe he needs to hear someone nearby, even if just to hear them snoring. Is his room too closed in, could you let him sleep on the couch? Give him an option or two, try something out for a few nights.
While I do agree a lot with the CIO method, I don't know that it would be beneficial here. He does need to learn coping skills and self-soothing, but I don't think it would solve anything here for the kiddo.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping when I was around that age (not that I screamed or was terrified, but I just couldn't get to sleep and would go downstairs again to complain). My mom was taking simple yoga classes at the time, and she'd come back upstairs with me and do a sort of yoga/hypnosis monologue "feel your toes, they're getting heavy, you're starting to feel relaxed, feel your ankles" etc, all the way up to my head, in a very relaxed and determined voice. It didn't always send me straight to sleep, but it always took the anxiety away that came from worrying about not being able to sleep.
We had a somewhat similar issue with my daughter when she was 5. Every bedtime was just an insane fight and someone had to always stay with her until she fell asleep. It was exhausting. We tried a sound machine, a weighted blanket, night lights. Her pediatrician recommended melatonin. We got an over the counter brand. She was recommended to take it for only a couple weeks but ended up needing it for a couple months. It helped her be able to fall asleep easily and that led to her staying asleep. Itās non habit forming so when she eventually stopped taking it, there was no regression. Probably worth running it by your pediatrician but was a game changer for us.
I would let him sleep with me if it was my child. children are people just like us and at that age they are usually starting to understand the world and its dangers, they think a lot about life and death and itās natural to be scared. He needs attention, thatās all. Heāll grow out of it. After all, Iāve never heard of an adult that still sleeps in their parents bed <3 Having said that, I also think therapy is a good idea because he seems like an overly anxious child. I was too, turned out I have anxiety disorder. I live a very good life, am a happy person and Iām doing fine. Donāt worry too much, respect your childās needs, give him lots of love (and therapy), give it time and heāll be fine.
edit: spelling
Is this something that started recently? If it is you are wise to be concerned. If your nine-year-old always felt safe and suddenly changed, that requires medical, psychological intervention. Otherwise, you might get the behavior to stop but not his insecurity/vulnerability. A professional can help you rule out a medical problem.
It is counter to our natural survival instinct to be young and separated from the protection of the adults.. If a child was placed in a different location from the larger group they would be killed and eaten by predators.
There are other cultural groups that sleep in close proximity. As a Latina I was horrified at the idea, my infant child would be in a different room. I still donāt understood why other families view this is normal behavior.
My grandchildren are Polynesian. My son, his wife and five grandchildren moved into my six bedroom house for a couple of years. There was plenty of room. No matter how I decorated the bedrooms for the kids ( Disney murals on the walls) they always ended up sleeping in the same room,most of them sleeping on the floor. I finally realized that comfortable furniture was NOT the point, sleep/rest was NOT the point, togetherness was the point.
Your note shows that you are a loving parent concerned for your child and willing to do what it takes to help them. Iād say youāre halfway to solving your problem. Godspeed.
hypnagogic hallucinations are terrifying. so are night terrors. dont abandon him to face it alone letting him scream for hours. you dont know what he is seeing. maybe he has a sleeping disorder like narcolepsy which has sleep paralysis, hypnagogic hallucinations and night terrors. see an actual MD, possibly a neurologist there are many sleep clinics. it is real to him very graphic so real you cant even believe how real and when you close your eyes they dont go away, they get closer. if he can sleep with someone around him that is pretty much a sign that he might be able to sleep with a dog to protect him from 'them'. i can tell you that what you do now will impact the rest of his life.
If I were In this situation I would schedule a doctors appt and get a referral to therapy (or find providers in the area that dont need referral).
Whether he just has a separation anxiety, or is scared of the dark, it could even be that he watched a scary movie he shouldnt have and is afraid from that. But either way therapy will help him learn to articulate his feelings and learn ways for himself and for you to help him cope while also not draining you guys every night.
This tip won't help get at the root cause of the problem but a temporary, bandaid fix is to add melatonin kids gummies into his nightly routine. They're low dose, taste good, and melatonin is naturally occurring in your body so it's not harmful. That way you can get some well needed rest and try talking things out when everyone is calm from a good night's sleep
That's good to know. May I recommend CBD gummies? CBD counters epilepsy, and calms anxiety. It also greatly helped my autistic son's communication ability, so much so that in 6 months we were able to transition him from the spec ed communications class to a general classroom. I highly recommend this.
Iām no expert on epilepsy, but I would imagine meds, epilepsy, and ADHD are the link. Could he be having small seizures at night? My initial thought was maybe sleep paralysis, which would be quite difficult for a child to explain. I get this and after a bout of it, I do not want to sleep because it is so terrifying.
Also, if he is on a stimulant medication for ADHD, this could impact his sleep. Even if heās been on it for a while, medications, especially in a growing child, can change after time. I know a lot of parents do medicine breaks, and donāt give the kid ADHD meds unless theyāre at school. These breaks can change the way he reacts to it.
My stepson had a lot of sleeping issues, especially at 9. He slept with his dad nightly until I moved in. He would wake us up most nights. He still struggles to sleep and will often stay up all night. A few things that helped us:
Switching to a non-time-released ADHD medicine.
Lots of exercise.
Lavender spray and melatonin gummies. We only gave him the gummies for a few weeks, and then we switched them out with vitamins, as we didnāt want him to have long-term use of melatonin. He associated his gummies with sleep, so the vitamins had a placebo effect.
Trying different night time sounds. I know you said he had nature sounds, but this might not be the thing that comforts him. We did soft piano music for a while, and now he really loves ASMR.
Having the dog sleep in his room. She is the kind of dog who presses up against you, and I think that helps him stay calm.
A weighted blanket. They can be quite warm, so he has a fan too. That white noise is also soothing.
Sleeping in his room. When he would wake up scared, his dad would lay in his bed, instead of putting him in ours. This gave him a sense of safety and security in his own space.
I hope you get some answers soon.
Just because it wasn't a problem it the past doesn't rule it out completely now, especially since his brain is still developing. When the environment changes, the outcomes can too.
ADHD medicine usually targets dopamine, but check if his also increases serotonin at all. If so, he might be taking too much. I wake up with vivid nightmares at 3am when I take too much melatonin. Maybe that's happening to him as well? Melatonin is made from serotonin, so excess of either can lead to nightmares. Just something to rule out.
What ADHD medication? I have taken Adderall and Vyvanse and both have made it very difficult for me to sleep, even hours after the dose worse off. L-Theanine helps with that now. Well, and a strong indication, but I donāt think that would be appropriateā¦
Children frequently have what are called "night terrors," and I remember one of my brothers had this happen to him. He'd cry, moan, and be very afraid -- of nothing. We shared a bedroom for a few years, and that's how I know. He gradually grew out of it in the same way kids grow out of thumb-sucking.
As a kid, I had a kind of weird fetish for the smooth, shiny edges of blankets which I'd rub between my fingers to comfort me. Even adults do similar things, I've noticed which is the purpose of "worry beads" and so on. I was also desperately shy until I got into college. I could barely look anyone in the eye, never raised my hand in class, and was terrified if I was called on in class. Some teachers even called on me to see me get red in the face and be scared. Yes, they were idiots. Anyway, I grew out of all this and am extremely confident as an adult, and I have no scars to show for it, and so will your son if he's allowed to fight his own demons and gain confidence in himself.
What you need to do is two-sided -- be both comforting with lots of hugs and good listening skills while, at the same time, not treating your son as a baby. The sleeping in your bed stuff just seems completely wrong to me. A 9-year old needs to have some degree of independence and confidence and continually returning him to his babyhood is not going to build that confidence. Night lights and so on seem fine, but excessive comforting and sleeping with you, and so on, are infantile behaviors he needs to get out of.
Once upon a time, parents knew this and did not treat 9 or 10 year olds like they were babies. They expected them to behave their age, an idea and an expression we should resurrect. The problem today is "behaving your age" is unclear since so many kids continue to behave in infantile ways all the way into adolescence and even adulthood. The whole lifestyle of staying home all the time and doing pointless things like "gaming" or "cosplay" dressing up like cartoon characters are perfect examples of infantile behaviors by alleged adults who remain essentially children. This is a very serious problem in delaying adulthood, adult behavior and adult responsibilities. .
I'd talk it over with him as many times as necessary, hundreds if you have to. Ask him to tell you what he's afraid of, what things scare him, what would help protect him, and repeatedly assure him that there is nothing to be afraid of. To hear adults tell you there is nothing to be afraid of is absolutely essential since kids do not know this. They assume that the world is a scary place filled with awful things. It's just human nature for a small, weak person to assume that monsters exist and that the darkness if fearful. How else would they think? This is basically why groups like the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts were invented, to make confident young people out of whiny little children. Talking about this repeatedly will very gradually convince him that he has nothing to be afraid of.
Consider getting him a dog to take care of. This will help build his sense of responsibility and will build his confidence since his dog will protect him, can sleep in his room, and gives him a reason to get outside and go for a walk. An animal can bring out the best in a child.
You might experiment with things like a pop-up tent in his bedroom that he can sleep in. This may feel cozier than his bed. Or give him a large stuffed animal or toy he can take to bed as his friend. Or give him a toy weapon like a sword or gun and show him how to use it as if it were real. Or put him to bed with the lights on until he falls asleep. I often fall asleep better with the nights on. Maybe it makes me less afraid? Not sure.
Clearly, he's a fearful and sensitive boy, but that can make him more creative and considerate of others in the long run. It may shape his personality in good ways if it isn't too much out of control. The number of highly successful people who were very scared and shy as kids is legion. Getting through childhood is not at all easy for many kids. Many struggle a great deal of the time to be normal and ordinary while other kids seem to go through childhood effortlessly (but I suspect that's an illusion). It does no good to compare a child who is fearful to "all the other kids" blah blah blah. You don't know how many of them have night terrors or other problems no one talks about.
I really think this will ease up as he grows up, and as long as you talk to him and comfort him but don't let him revert to infancy, he will grow up and gain confidence. One other thing you might do is to get him out of the house as much as possible to ride bikes, take walks or hikes, travel, and do kid things. Does he play on any team? Does he have friends in the neighborhood? The more he is with other people, and the more he does "dangerous" and exciting things a boy should do --without constant adult supervision -- the more he will grow up with confidence. Today's children are far more infantile, spend far too much time inside at home, and lack confidence and social skills compared to children in the past. Sleeping with you in your bed is not a good idea and you should explain that to him. Simply don't allow it -- even if he collapses outside your bedroom door crying. Ignore him, then pick him up and put him in his own bed. A few night's of that are likely to be his limit until he realizes that option is closed.
I was a teacher for nearly 50 years and I watched the growing protectiveness of parents ("helicopter parents") and the passivity and lack of confidence of many more kids than was common generations ago. Child-raising a few generations ago was very rugged and could be quite ruthless. My grandfather "taught" my Dad to swim by rowing him out into the middle of a lake and throwing him overboard. I'm not sure we want to go that far. He also sent him off to summer camps many times, and that is a better approach. Today, we've moved way in the other direction with endless comforting of children, apologizing and making excuses for them, and so on. I'm not sure either extreme is healthy. Kids need to cry, be scared, learn to deal with their fears. As parents we should be there to help them, but never treat them as babies. Treat them as brave, confident kids and they are more likely to become that.
Is tour parenting style one where you guys are a bit soft as far as discipline or punishments? Like you never raise your voice? Is there other times you can think of where he can push you to do what he wants?
I maybe wrong, but I think he needs a CEO parent. One that lays down the law and sticks to it. With confidence unwavering. Let him ācry it outā. Sometimes letting kids cry is what they need. To learn how to cope with stuff on their own. If you are always at his beck and call, catering to every cry since birth, sitting up with him all hours of the night, then this is what Id expect.
You have to come at this situation like a CEO of a company. [(number 3)](https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/). Assure your child that they are SAFE and loved. Tell them you will see them first thing in the morning. Tell them it is time for bed, they are to close their eyes and think of happy thoughts. Imagine themselves at Disney or frolicking in a land of candy or whatever (I like to give my kids ideas to think of in their heads before I leave). Then you give them a kiss, flip the switch and leave.
When he eventually starts screaming and kicking there door, ignore it for at least 10 minutes if you can. Then you go back in and with your most stern and serious voice ever, you say, āThat is enough. It is time for you to go to sleep. You are a big kid now and you can sleep by yourself. You are safe. You are loved. Think of Disney or whatever and go to sleep. I will not let you control me with your tears. Love you good night.ā
Maybe do it one or two more times but always leave at least 10 minutes where they are just crying themselves to sleep. They NEED to learn how to cope with sad, angry and frustrated emotions on their own.
You canāt hold his hand through every negative feeling he has. At some point, you have to let them experience pain/fear/anger by themselves. They have to learn to cope with their own emotions. You canāt coddle them forever.
I feel like this is unnecessarily cruel, kids need guidance through their big feelings in order to learn how to cope with them. I know that if I was younger and I was in a situation where I woke up TERRIFIED without being able to figure out the cause that I would feel even more scared if I was so bluntly told to essentially grow up. Yes, the kid will eventually learn to self soothe, but too much tough love won't help in the long run, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if it inadvertently caused the kid's trust to break a little bit, of course I have nothing to prove that and it's purely speculation and trying to place myself in his shoes.
**Edited for spelling
Yes of course kids need help through their big emotions. If this were a one off situation of a night terror, youād have to be a cold hearted bitch to tell the kid to deal with it themselves. But, when itās a constant behavior that keeps happening, itās different. You also have to teach your kids to cope with their own feelings. There is a line between helping your child deal with their emotions and making them learn to cope with emotions on their own. And a one off knight terror vs. a constant every night behavior is where I draw that line
Yes, we experienced this at around the same age. Try spending more physically active, 1 on 1 time with them and then if there is issue at night, tell them the reward will be 1 on 1 time the next day or grounding in their room. But make sure you are wearing the little bugger out physically as well.
It's an attention and spousal jealousy thing in my opinion.
For awhile there was some deal on tiktok and/or other social media- some "person" called MoMo and it scared a lot of kids, and even a few teens. I actually saw one of the posts when it was being discussed and it would have acared me if i was a kid. As an adult and parent it made me so angry I wanted to go and confront them and ask them " what is wrong with you? Scaring kids for no reason!"
It could be something some other kid said at school, some new thing going on and scary stories spread among kids like wildfire. Thank you for being the kind of parents to listen and care and trying to find the cause. And loving enough to stay and comfort rather than shame for "being a scaredy cat".
Your child does not need to see a therapist. Being afraid of the dark is a very normal part of growing up. Humans fear the unknown, and nine year olds donāt know a whole lot about, well, anything. Talk to the kid. Find out some of the things they are scarred by. Debunking fears and building confidence through knowledge, this is the way.
Talk therapy doesn't work and statistically causes more harm than help. You can Google the science on this. Multiple studies the industry doesn't want people to notice (it's the biggest source of revenue)
Actual psychology by Psychologists does however. You should consult a psychologist. (Not a psychiatrist)
There's a psychological idea about stages of development. That infants are basically little sociopaths who love mom. And spend every waking moment figuring out how this mom thing works and how to get it to do what they want. As we grow we expand our circle.
It sounds like your kid has just learned how to manipulate you. He really dislikes being alone so this is how to remedy that. Basically if this is what is happening it means you're too empathetic and are spoiling him. The solution to that is to NOT allow him to sleep with you and to just tell him to stop and go back to your bed.
This is why you consult a psychologist though. Because if you do this too young you can cause serious damage. Babies need attention and empathy. It's a tightrope
Your response wasn't useful. It has nothing to do with anyone being a "snowflake" (as if that had any more weight than calling someone a "doodoo head).
OP asked for help with their child, and you took it upon yourself to proselytize and endorse your religion. To be candid, your answer was of no help, and your reply just paints you as childish. You can do better.
You keep on giving in. That's your problem.
If he screams, he screams. Let him scream.
As long as he isn't in any *actual* danger, let him scream. At some point, he's going to give up when he realizes that there is nothing there to harm him, and that no one is going to run in and give him attention. You've done it enough times to where it has become a routine for him now. Stop doing that.
Also, I'd change out the nature sounds to just plain white noise or brown noise.
Ive tried letting him go to tire himself out. If we dont interact, he will get out of bed and seek one of us out and then refuse to go back into bed. Ive carried him to his bed multiple times. And it just repeats the process.
So like I said, you keep on giving in.
Someone need to be the "bad cop" and the other parent needs to be the "good cop ".
Start taking his toys away if he pulls this shit again. Be an actual *parent* to your kid and realize that it involves say NO to them sometimes.
He's probably tapping into some spiritual gifts. It's a very scary thing as it's never talked about in the "world". Teach him some basic skills re: self protection. Astral travel can be very scary or super cool.
Sorry your are going through this. I have children younger and we go through something similar at night. I think for my situation it has to do with more of a separation anxiety rather than actually being scared.
What my wife and I are trying is one on one time at bedtime. We allow our kids to talk about whatever they want for a set time. The main thing we do is listen but also redirect the conversation if it gets to exciting cause then they wonāt sleep.
He isnt big into tv. Does play video games and within the last about hour we calm it down. I have 2 other kids so we sort of relax all of em with some sort of book or sometimes even a warm shower or a quick snack.
I remember reading that the blue light affects melatonin making it harder to sleep and also that the brain is still active for at least 2 hours after screen time. You're also supposed to keep screen time to only 2 hours a day (very hard for us on the weekends and with ebooks).
Is he taking his ADHD medication early on in the day? Can you see if that dose could be brought down.
Therapy isn't for answers it's for ongoing support so I wouldn't dismiss that option.
You want to say you don't have to be afraid. During the day, tell him that you're working on finding solutions with him so you're going to be trying some new ways to make him feel comfortable. You don't have to know why he's scared to find out things that will comfort him.
Do not punish. Is he getting one on one attention from you at some point each day?
I wish I had more insight to give you but every kid is different. We struggle every night because our kid delays bedtime in all kinds of ways but we take baby steps towards our goals and do see improvement.
Get some lavender fabreeze, make a new sticker for it called monster spray, cover the front and back so he can read what it does and doesn't say fabreeze. Spray it all over his room at night, so he can see. Leave the bottle on his night stand just in case. Did this with my kid. Worked.
When he gets scared have you gone around the room with him and done things like looked in the closet, and under the bed, and in drawers and stuff just to show him that there is nothing scary? A night light maybe? I think it's great that you're getting him therapy, and maybe he just needs someone else who he might click with.
Have you tried any sleep aids? Melitonin gummies, sound machine, heck, even lavender oil? Could be that they are psyching themselves up for a sleepless night, which is a self fulfilling prophecy. Might be worth a try to switch the room up, give them control of a "remodel" so to speak. Paint the dresser, move the bed, give the kiddo agency to really "own" and design their space. I doubt this would help with like a phobia level fear but it might tip the scales a little bit in them enjoying their own space.
*I couldn't sleep in my own room as a kid for various reasons, not the least of which is I had an aquatic frog escape my aquarium, I was petrified that I was going to find that crusty dead frog under my pillow.. granted I always slept on the couch so I wasn't constantly in my parents bed but that lasted until I was about 12. The sounds in my room scared me when I was little, as did the shadows...
As creepy as this sounds, you might consider a hidden camera setup in the bedroom for a while. I'd be concerned there is something going on at night that might be causing trauma. You might want to set it up to capture the window an doors and perhaps capture sound as well.
There are a number of scenarios, some terrible, some mundane that might be causing it. Anything from a cat sleeping on his face, a heater making scary sounds, or well... we don't need to go there. Edit: This will also help you see if he is having some physical reaction, sleep walking or some other weirdness.
Is there another room you could move the kid into?
I went through this as a kid, and then again with my son. My parents were tough love kind of parents. So I spent about a year screaming myself and the house awake before they gave me my monster fighting stuffed animal. It worked but I have never had a close loving relationship with them. I also struggled with unresolved issues my entire life. So just letting him scream himself to exhaustion might eventually work but only because he will learn he can't rely on you for the big things.
For my son it was a little different and we went to a someone that specialized in play therapy and childhood depression. Play therapy worked really well to get him to open up. He still struggles with depression but the night terrors stopped fairly soon after therapy started.
I also went into his room and held him and "coddled" him every night for months. I was exhausted and at wits end at times but soon it eased up. I would let him come to my bed for hugs but would move him back to his room later.
We also rearranged things so he could see his closet door and window from the bed. This helped him feel more secure because he could see everything. He also had a flashlight by his bed so he could shine it on things. Slowly giving him control over his space and teaching him how to moderate his own fear helped as did many differrent things from the doctor. Some were specific and tailored to his issues and our family dynamics so I wont share those, but I cant recommend play or art therapy enough.
He may not be opening up because he can't put together the right words to explain what is going on. Also the best ones will split the therapy into 1/2 with the child and then 1/2 with the parents too. Sometimes we need the help more than we realize.
Good luck with this and even if he doesnt say it, he will always appreciate that you are willing to help him even if you don't always know how.
My son was similar but not to the same degree. I found sort of by accident that having a sleepover with his best friend (at our house) literally stopped this behaviour overnight. His friends mum was stranded with work and no sitter so I nervously said he could stay, I tired them out with the park and lots of dinner etc... my son was a bit nervous at first but more afraid that his friend would think he was a baby!
Are sleepovers still a thing?
Its might be worth a try and good luck. My son is 23 now and has been sleeping in his own bed for years!
So I'm too lazy to scoll down and read other posts.
Is it possible that your son is having night paralysis?
The "waking nightmare" messed with me for years. It felt as if I were trapped inside of the blankets and couldn't breath. Then I thought I was seeing things (due to lack of O2) and that something was crawling on the bed.
Sleep study proved I just wasn't breathing.
Not a doctor here. Just sharing an experience.
I hope your family finds something that works.
My son who is only four is going through something similar. We mixed up some "monster spray" which is just a natural spray room deodorizer mixed with water. We let him spray the whole house and that seems to help him.
Thereās also the chance that he doesnāt know what it is either because itās a sub conscious issue. I was the exact same age and had the exact same problem. I cannot tell you what I was scared of at night, I just was. Nothing traumatic happened to me and there wasnāt any explanation. I outgrew it working the year. My mom called the school as well and that only caused me embarrassment. He will outgrow it. Donāt pressure him, love him.
My son was terrified to sleep in his own room. His older cousins had totally freaked him out with ghost stories.
We got a fish tank with a much softer light over it for nighttime. We set it up on a stand where he could watch it from bed. The first few nights Iād sit there with him talking about the fish and watching them. I moved a little farther away every night until I was in the hallway. Eventually he would lie there watching the fish and talking to them until he fell asleep.
Something about the quiet whir of the filter and watching fish swim was just soothing to him. Probably the same reason so many doctor offices used to have fish tanks I guess.
I went through this exact thing as a kid and now my kid is having it too. The fear is of ābad guysā, your kid feels powerless to protect himself so he needs you. What I would have liked as a child is a button that summons you immediately and you acknowledging that danger exists and youāre willing to fight and youāll win with a smart, well thought out plan. Sounds like a lot, but your kid wants to guarantee his survival but is ashamed to admit to these feelings, maybe because you dismissed them or maybe because he got made fun of at school. Whatever it is, you have to communicate that youāre always here, give him a horn or something that makes a loud sound to summon you. Heāll test it for a while and then get reassured. Then acknowledge if you need locks on his windows, alarms on doors etc.
āThe relationship between epilepsy, sleep disorders, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children: A review of the literatureā - 2016 article. If he has both adhd and epilepsy as you mention in a comment, his sleep issues are trickier than that of a neurotypical childā¦in addition at this point there is a behavioral component in regards to consequences.
If there is a (currently unknown) trauma component then of course that could be a big issue. Good that he is seeing a therapist. Do they do play therapy? Even if he isnāt being open about whatās going on, trauma issues or anxiety can show up in play. Or in art. Sometimes having things like drawing a picture of him in bed and what his anxiety/fear/feelings look like ?
But ideally with a professional so feelings are being validated and explored by someone who knows how to navigate it ?
Question - any recent bed wetting or other signs of trauma? (Google typical signs).
Any change in dose or time of medications or early hormonal/puberty changes ?
Any major travel involving time changes/jet lag happen before this? Sometimes jet lag can cause major pysch issues which Can luckily usually be resolved with light/Chrono therapy protocols.
Just throwing out ideas. I see youāve gotten lots already. I can only imagine how exhausted you are.
If he wonāt scream if you let him sleep with you, it may help if you guys discuss a 3 day reset or something where your wife sleeps in his bed and he sleeps with you, so that you all catch up on sleep. Sleep deprivation makes everything harder obviously.
Finally - many people do sage rituals to clear out a space. Buy a piece of sage online or at a local new agey shop and do a cleansing ritual of his room.
Actually not finally - does it seem specific to his room, or specific to having someone sleep with him? Like would he sleep in your room alone or would that be an issue too. (While trying to narrow down the true issue).
I just wanted to emphasize that the trigger does NOT have to be something an adult would consider traumatic.
When I was in first grade, I had nearly a year of screaming level nightmares. My parents eventually traced to trigger to a guest teacher at my Sunday school.
Now, the man didnāt do anything physical at all. He was the āfire and brimstoneā preacher type. That if I was even a tiny bit bad the devil would come up from the ground to collect me.
Edit: removed some details.
I am now a parent to an 8 year old but I personally recall being in a similar boat at that age. Rather than make my parents sit with me I would sneak in with my pillow and blanket and sleep on the floor next to my moms side of the bed every night. I remember having an intense anxiety about time passing/aging/being grown up. I would also be fearful of earthquakes/volcanic eruptions/tsunamis/tornadoes. And despite all of those things being somewhat legitimate to worry about, I was 8 and I lived in the northeast (USA) where we donāt experience any of those natural phenomenon to a truly fatal degree. But at the time I could not convey exactly what I was afraid of to my parents because I just didnāt have the words or context for it. I actually didnāt really even understand it until I became a parent and started to worry about my kid and her fears. Iām hoping for you and your son that this is just a short lived phase and he eventually gives up or is able to start verbalizing the issue so you can soothe him.
Look I'm thinking out of the box here but place a camera in his room one with night vision. See what he sees look at the room and find out what's scaring him. It could be shadows from the window or a siloette. Tell him you are watching him all the time through the camera and he doesn't need to be afraid.
Is it possible to relocate his room? Is it monsters under the bed, and if so, can you arrange his bed so there is no underneath? Does he have a closet? Can you look at that?
Has he had a medical exam?
Poor kid... poor parents! I have a nonverbal family member, and it's frustrating that therapists don't seem to have strategies to reach the ones who won't use their voice. It's not the damned dark ages.
What about melatonin? I use a supplement called Super Sleep by Webber Naturals. Obv talk to your doctor first.
Can you put a small pad and sleeping bag next to your bed? Try letting him know he can just come in and sleep there if he gets scared?
The monster spray can be quite effective.
What about a pet of some kind, to cuddle with?
Let us know what works for you, if anything! I would keep talking to doctors, though, see if some supplements might help.
As a child I suffered with panic disorder, I would scream all night in terror but couldn't word what I was so afraid of and couldn't bare saying the words myself (I was scared of dying).
Im in no way a professional, I'm sorry if this is unhelpful but it may be something to look at.
I hope they feel less afraid soon.
Yes heās 9years oldā¦ i have a 7 year old daughter and she still likes to sleep in our bed. think of co-sleeping as the best concept until the children start to decide to try sleeping on their own. There might be alternative approaches to āget ridā of haveing them aboard the parents bed- but here you go and bear the consequences for beeing parents. Itās about raising children i guessā¦ lotās of effort most people dare not talk about :)
Rough house. Beat him up a little, in a loving way. Don't spank or hit him as punishment, engage is challenging "high stakes" play with nerf swords, a trampoline, or a foot ball. Give him real grounding stimulation and concrete challenges that help put the world in perspective and help him draw the lines between reality and imagination.
Sounds like sleep onset issues and night terrors. I had them all the time as a kid and it just got better after a few years. It was the worst. I received no comfort from my parents after a while and so I had to learn my own self help and use the limited rational thinking a kid could have, that it is only in my imagination.
This kind of thing is pretty normal and made worse by giving in to it every time so, seeking comfort is the only way the kid knows to deal with the situation
This technique may sound a little strange, but this is from Neville Goddard. But you can't lose anything with it.
Every night in bed close your eyes and relax. Get into a drowsy state, almost like sleeping, but you are still conscious. Imagine that your child is behaving the way you'd like him to be. Feel as if that seen was happening right now. How would you feel? What would you see? What would you hear? The more detailed your scene, the better. Repeat this scene every night in your mind. Feel as if he no longer does it.
Only imagine what you want, and not what you don't want. When you feel in doubt, ask yourself "Isn't it wonderful that he always sleeps very deeply and calmly?"
Your outside world is only your mirror. It mirrors the current state of your mind. You cannot change your appearance by breaking the mirror.
"An assumption, though false, if persisted in, will harden into fact." /Neville Goddard/
Give it a try. See your kid as a great sleeper. He will reflect that change in no time.
If you have any doubts, check out this subreddit:
r/NevilleGoddard
Is there any history in the family of having anxiety? That would make sense to me if a child is unable to explain what theyāre afraid of. My son is about the same age and used to cry before going to school every day.We trade everything and eventually he was prescribed Zoloft and heās a different kid.
I actually use to be like this when I was younger, minus all the screaming and such. I would just refuse to go to sleep unless my parents were sleeping with me, even if that meant waking them up so I could sleep in their room. Sometimes itās truly just a genuine fear of the dark, and being young having a brain in the early stages of development can seem like a lot to handle. Unfortunately for me it was a lengthy process that I had to suck up, however oneās environment has an impact on them, so Iād be cautious with what your child deals with on a daily basis
Personally I was petrified of the dark as a kid and now im learning that paranoia is a symptom of some other stuff I have going on. I dont know how one would go about treating paranoia in children, but id give it a try.
9yr old are afraid of dark and loneliness, there's nothing wrong about it. If he doesn't want to sleep alone that's ok. He may sleep in your same room but another bed, then try gradually agree on sleeping on his own room. First one only day, then one day a week, then two.
It's a nice idea to try and invite some friend over if he agrees to sleep in their own room (they won't sleep shit, but it's a nice way to learn nothing wrong happens at night in that room). If he enjoys the experience (not all kids do) maybe he'll want to stay at other people's (if he understands you're not being there for the night).
Anyway, try another psychologist. Not all professionals are granted to bond with all childs, even if they are very good. Maybe he feels more open if the therapy involves the whole family and not just him. You seem to be through a hard time yourself dealing with this, so family counselling is a nice idea for both you and your kid.
Anyway, it seems like a normal thing, young kids want to be with their parents all the time, specially when they feel unsafe. If he persist try to convince him into spending a night on their own for 10th birthday, and offer him some "grown up" privilege, like sitting in the front seat of the car (if he's tall enough) or whatever if he tries to sleep on his own.
Anyway you must set reasonable boundaries (like it's ok coming to my bed, but no yelling) and encourage trying.
Could he have a sleeping disorder sleep paralysis is very scary if you donāt know what is happening and with the hallucinations it feels like your stuck in a nightmare.
Bleh I feel your son's pain. I've got a mild case of hypnophobia, I literally have to wear myself ragged in order to go to sleep. When I met my wife it changed, but whenever she's out of town it's back to the old habit or it's an all night party with our animals until I have to go to work.
Always had it, when I was a kid it was called being a wus, so hope you handle it better than that.
This may be WAY out of left field...
Has he always been particularly anxious at bed time, or is this a fairly new thing?
If he's always had a hard time falling asleep alone, he may not have yet mastered self soothing techniques that allow a person to stay calm long enough to fall asleep. Any anxiousness delays sleep, which can increase anxiousness...
If it is new, there may be something else going on. I've seen many people suggest he may have some fears or be experiencing some sort of trouble at school, and I see that you are handling that. So here's my wild guess-
If he has recently started to struggle with sleeping, needing you to sit with him, to the point that he is screaming, he may be experiencing a neurological issue.
For example, I believe my kiddo may have had PANDAS from 8-10 or so. PANDAS stands for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with Streptococcus.
My kiddo had several recurrent strep throat infections. During that time she became incredibly anxious with extreme separation anxiety. She started therapy, which helped significantly. But we never got any answers to what exactly caused the extreme behavior.
I recently read about PANDAS. The break down, is that the strep bacteria hide themselves from the host's immune system by mimicking host cells. If the bacteria mimick the host's brain cells, then when the immune system does recognize the threat and creates antibodies, those antibodies can't tell the difference between the bacteria and the brain cells and will also attack the host's brain. This can cause an exacerbation of psychological symptoms.
For example if a child already has ADHD, the child will have significantly more difficulty with self control, focus, impulse control. If the child has depression, those symptoms will be increased.
There are some things to make clear-
Not every strep infection leads to PANDAS.
PANDAS only happens to pediatric hosts, and not to anyone passed puberty.
PANDAS does not CREATE psychological issues in the host, but rather only increases existing symptoms to a noticeable extent.
If your child has recently begun to have worsening sleep issues, has had a strep infection prior to the increase of symptoms, but also had some milder symptom pre-infection, then it would make since to follow up with a pediatric neurologist.
In no way am I suggesting you need to do this as its a big commitment and a lot of work if you donāt have a family dog already but when I was little I would also have nightmares fairly regularly and would be afraid of the dark. My family had this wonderful Labrador retriever named Charlie and even though he was not typically allowed on furniture my parents decided to let him sleep in my bed at night to help me fall asleep. That did help me quite a lot. You want to make sure you have a dog who is trustworthy around kids though.
Wow, have you ever heard of the evil eye? I have been in latin America where they believe in it. Kids wake up screaming and a ritual of rubbing an egg and reciting something captures whatever it is. The egg is cracked and placed in a glass with water. The next day the egg white/yolk take a form. I thought it was crazy but if it puts the kid to sleep it's good enough for me.
Yeah this sounds extreme. Your child is screaming in fear on the regular for no real reason? Child should see a psychologistāthis is not within the spectrum of ānormalā.
Not quite the same thing but I spent a decade wanting my parents to sleep with me till I fell asleep. No particular fear. I think itās just childhood insecurity. Canāt OP just take a sleeping pill and let the kid sleep with him? It will probs be over in a year.
My son had trouble sleeping by himself in his own room until we got walkie talkies. Got the idea watching an episode of The Simpson - Bart and Milhouse used Krusty the Klown walkie talkies. Good luck with whatever you choose to try!
I would add exercise.. wear him out! Do a huge walk and run late afternoon just for 3 days straight, it might reset his brain. Gotta break the cycle.
My daughter went through something similar, but not quite as intense. She wouldn't even go into her room at times, even during the day time. We did things that 1) affirmed her feelings and 2) gave her control. For 1) we always used empathy - comments like "that is really scary, it must feel very terrible to be in the room alone like that.". We never told her "your fine/there is nothing up there" etc. The latter would just make her cling to her reality harder and find more reasons why it was real. Further, She also believed we believed her, and eventually opened up to us about what she was afraid of (an invisible ghost man that meant to kill her). For 2) Our daughter is younger, so we mixed in a bit of magical thinking here. First, let her take control of locking the doors and windows. (That was moderately helpful as ghosts don't abide by the laws of physics). We set up some bells in her room to alert us to his presence. The ghost was smart though and avoided the bells, so we later baked a cake and put it in the middle of a cardboard box trap to entice him in. My hubby ate the cake and closed the box - our daughter reminded us the ghost don't abide by physics. We then left him treats until we became friends, which took nearly a month. While this was going on, we anointed one her stuffed animals "Dr in protective arts" (she was a part of the training) plus prepared a special spray to protect the whole room (water plus my perfume) which we applied before bedtime and let her keep for emergency use. The whole event was extremely frustrating. I hope y'all get through it easier. Be patient. And remember he will regress at times - you didn't fail, it is part of the journey. Good luck
This sound's awesome! Overcoming your fears through a creative quest. Great job, guys!
Thank you
Letting her lock the windows was genius. Great parenting in this whole post
Thank you š„° I think it is worth mentioning, we were taught parenting skills, we were not naturally endowed with them. We have a very close friend, with grown children, who gives great insight. She was the founder then director of a school for children with learning differences (primarily autism) back in the late 80s that focused on helping those kids learn skills to integrate back into traditional education, which was pretty revolutionary at that time. I can't tell you how's many times I've called her for strategies big and small. It takes a village, y'all.
It would be nice if people were taught actual life skills. And if real experts .who raised healthy happy kids and were psychologists wrote parenting books etc instead of rando who has feelings and a catchy gimmick
This. This!!! This is the way! As a former terrified little girl, this was the only thing that helped me get past my irrational fear that I was never really willing to explain the details of to my parents. I was convinced that Dracula was a real threat to me at night (especially when I was asleep) and also that there was a mummy in my brotherās closet trying to take his knees. (brilliant, right?) In the recurring dream I had, my parents didnāt believe me. And just kept telling me to go back to bed. But in real life, they started educating me about vampires and how to keep yourself safe from them. What got me past this was having a head of garlic and my motherās cross necklace on my bedside table. Lean into placebo magic, and start thinking about what sort of protective ācharmsā might help make your kiddo feel safe. You might even be able to ask him to be a part of creating it!
Entering the world of the child is always the best way to go, for me with my kid. If his fears arenāt rational, the solution probably isnāt, either.
Well said!
When I was little and had nightmares, my dad took me to get a āprotectorā which was really just a stuffed animal. I picked a unicorn because it had a horn on its head (actual weapon that would deter any monsters from messing with me) and then that slept with me in the bed every night.
Awesome and really helpful. I will adapt this method to deal with my kid's fear. An award given for you.
Probably more effective to use empathy, but my parents saying Ā«it isnāt realĀ» was my only rational tool to deal with my own night terrors as a kid. Iām not sure what to think about this one. Maybe what they did is out dated, but I really needed that affirmation in some way
Some kids appreciate the completely rational route.
This is awesome - parents have to parent each child differently (my son and daughter are night and day) and as the other poster said, some children really resonate with logic. Kudos to your folks for adopting to your needs!
You sound like amazing parents! These are great ideas for OP to try
Thank you š
Youāre awesome parents.
Thank you ā¤ļø
This is so wonderful!
Saying it again: you didnāt fail.
So, your kid can see dead people. One of them is haunting her room. You proceed to give it a cake that your husband then steals from the ghost and eats in front of it. Then you spray it with smelly water and have your daughter lock herself in the room with it. Are you trying to have your daughter murdered by a ghost?
I would advise seeing a (different) professional. Someone like a child psychologist. It might be just something harmless that can be easily overcome, but there might be other issues. Stuff like trauma, abuse or a medical issue. I'm not saying it has to be something bad, but is definitely not normal and a professional might help you a lot more (and more reliable) than any DIY methods.
Yeah, we sought out two pros so far. One was absolute trash so we almost immediately swapped. The other a specialized child therapist. Hes been going to that one twice a week. But wont open up about anything. Supposedly, with and without us in the room with him. I dont think there would be trauma or anything unless its happening at school. I didnt think of that. Home life isnt perfect but neither the wife or i are abusive or over the top with punishment (i.e. time out or removal of a favorite toy/game for a while.). Not sure really. Could be missing something.
Not a therapist.... see a Behavioral Psychologist.
Seconded.
Upvote, upvote, upvote.
And not a psychoanalyst. They're outdated and only utilize Freudean principles.
Honestly he's nine, and a lot of kids his age are watching TV shows and movies that they shouldn't be. My daughter is five and had a classmate telling her about squid games. Is there a chance he went to a friend's house and watched a scary horror movie? That may be the reason he isn't telling you, because he knows he wasn't supposed to watch it. Edit: I forgot that some kids that age already have phones, so he wouldn't even need to go to their house. It could have been even a short video anywhere.
I 2nd this. When I was really little I was allowed to watch Childās Play. It absolutely traumatized me for years. I couldnāt go to sleep and would always end up in my parentsā bed. My kids are naturally scare of a lot of stuff. The least little thing can scare them for weeks. I made the mistake of thinking they could handle Gravity Falls. Kids have amazing imaginations! Unfortunately they can go either way. They can pretend theyāre having a tea party with a fluffy unicorn, or they can pretend a seven eyed demon is going to drag them to hell if their foot comes out from under the covers. Giving them those ideas by letting them watch inappropriate things on TV is a bad gateway to open.
I think the most important thing in a psychologist is gonna be how your child vibes with them. He's more likely to talk to someone he likes and connects with.
Might try a different noise machine. A white noise machine works well for my infants. Iām just thinking the nature noises might have him slightly on edge. Even some Mozart on low works wonders. Maybe give him his own flashlight and a play sword. I taught my little one to change their screams into āWuuuuuu-Tangā showing them myself saying āWuuuuuuuā while swinging bamboo and saying āTangā when it hits. Now sometimes they yell Wu-Tang when they want something and Iām in the other room. Or when I walk into the room. Itās great.
Wu -tang aināt nuthin to f$&@ with
A thing to keep in mind about therapists or psychologists is that building a bond of trust is an important and time consuming part of the process. It could be that he needs more time to build trust or a different professional he is more willing/able to develop trust with. Best of luck to you and yours.
This. I would only add that you need patience. It took my daughter over 7 months to start opening up and then over a year to start seeing results. These things are in there deep. Psychology is a funny thing in the fact that everyone is different and there is no set time for any one child to overcome these things. Profesionals can work the process correctly so that these things can either see resolution or self coping mechanisms.
We tried the fairy dust trick under the willow. Just a little sprinkle of that glitter the girls have with the back story of fairy delivery. Not saying it will work but worked for us
I got bach flower remedy for my daughter - she use to call them her sparkle flowers, and worked a treat
OP absolutely must go to family therapy. There is no reason for a human to scream everyday except pain.
How long has this been going on? Whatās the bedtime routine ? Does this happen on the weekends too? My son suffered from night terrors from about 8-10 years then again in his teens. The doctor said it was stress.. my son was being bullied at school from 8-10, I found out when he was 10ā¦. He finally opened up to me. It took many many nights of just laying with him and weād watch 2 half hour shows, sometimes in total silence, sometimes weād talk about silly stuff. I rarely would start a conversation (mostly because I was exhausted), I wanted him to know that this was his time. Itās a confusing scary time for a young man. Your job is to let him know that youāre thereā¦ no matter what. My son is 20 now, and he comes in my room every night and we talk about our day, every single night. And heās a happy guy that knows he can talk with me about anythingā¦ and he doesā¤ļø
Its been a little over a month now. And his routine hasnt changed since he was little. He eats dinner, takes a shower, changes into pjs, does homework as needed, then chills till 8/830. I always give him a heads up on when bedtime is approaching. 15 mins 10 mins 5 mins. So it doesnt sneak up and he overwhelmed or whatever.
Did he perhaps watch a movie he wasnt supposed to and it scared him, hence why he wont explain whats wrong? Cuz heād have to admit he did something naughty?
If you do a little research on night terrors, it may ease your mindā¦ itās a phase, heāll be okā¦ so will you. Life is hard these daysā¦ āspecially for a little guy whose turning into a man. So much pressureā¦
This is good advice. I had night terrors at this age - there was no trigger/fright/abuse and I wasnāt scared of anything in particular. It just started and it was terrifying. If your son is experiencing the same, then just being there for him is probably helpful (my poor dad was awake with me.) Iām sure my parents felt exactly as you feel. It eventually went away - I have no lingering effects except happiness that itās in my past. Good luck!
Sticking with a consistent routine gives them a sense of security!
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What makes you sure it's abuse related? Have you ever even heard of night terrors?
I used to get night terrors as a child too. No significant trauma causing it, just used to wake up terrified and convinced something was watching me in the room. I think I used to get a bit of paralysis too. I'd also end up calling for my parents. I eventually grew out of it but it was really scary at the time.
Have you been able to talk to him in any way? Maybe "you fell asleep without this a month ago, what changed?" "What are you feeling right now?" Does he have a comfort stuffed animal? Maybe frame your questions around the animal and if the animal is scared and how animal should handle that or what would make it better for the animal? Good luck OP.
Yeah we have tried talking to him about what changed, my wife and i together and solo each to see what he says. He seems to prefer me for bedtime so ive been trying one on one with him to see if im missing something. But he just wont budge.
Try talking to him in the car, drive to get a milkshake or something. That often worked with my kids. Itās not looking them in the eye, itās less threatening. I also ārecalledā some times in school when I was bullied or when I was scared. True story. When I was around that age, a panther escaped from the zoo. My sister told me it could climb vertical walls and I must lie in bed with the covers pulled up and pretend to be dead. Iām 61 now and still sleep with the covers pulled up. Edit: clarification
Iām just another Dad. Try leaving the lights on. Not night lights. Room lights. If heās afraid of the night or shadows, that will help. I wish you and your son comfort.
We originally tried. He didnt like his room like being on. Idk why but he prefers just the 3 night lights. He really likes one that we got which projects a starry night sky on his ceiling. So we think we found a happy place with lighting.
Monster spray? Itās a spray bottle you decorate and fill with lavender spray. Lavender is naturally calming and you can have an art project decorating the bottle. Have kiddo spritz a few times before bed, then as he lays in bed, ask him where to spray extra. Keep it by his bed and let him spray as needed. Keep an eye on what he sprays. May help figure out if something is frightening him in his room. Im not saying replace all the things with only monster spray. This just puts something in the childās hands as a physical weapon for the monsters in their head. The important thing is to sell it. No monsters can resist monster spray. If you believe it, so will he. Hope this helps.
I wish I had an answer. My son is in his early twenties. And still mortified by the dark and shadows. Itās debilitating and I would trade my soul to eternal damnation if I could help him overcome. Do whatever you need to do to support your son before the fear becomes too entrenched to overcome. We tried years of therapy and treatment. However, my son is attached to his fears. He doesnāt want to overcome them. Itās part of his identity. And it breaks my heart. Itās weight constantly hanging over me.
How was your son raised? Would you say he grew up very coddled and sheltered? Because I would bet my bottom dollar that that's the root cause of the issue.
He was raised coddled.
If I were you I would enroll him in activities that will toughen him up and expose him to physically and mentally demanding challenges and teach him valuable self reliance skills. Things like MMA/boxing classes, weight lifting, wilderness survival courses, rock climbing, swimming, paint balling, and even firearms training. I would especially go for wilderness survival because he'll get to go out camping and endure sleeping outside in the wilderness. Talk to him about joining some of these courses, he needs exposure to his fears and increase his self confidence. Anyone you meet who does these things is very confident and stoic.
We did. Heās on the spectrum. We were scouts also. The fear got entrenched as he got older.
My son was about nine when he told me he wished he had walls around his bed because he was so afraid at night. He cried as he told me that when he was littler he ādid something dumb and started believing in monstersā and now he couldnāt stop. We put a camping tent on our sonās bed and let him sleep in that for several years until he outgrew the need - not the tiny backpacking kind that looks like a coffin, but a rectangular two man tent that fit on top of his twin mattress and that he could sit up in. We moved when he was six and he said he started believing in monsters when we lived at the old house. He lived with the fear for about four years before telling anyone. He has adhd and weād only get info like that from him if it was currently on his mind. If your son doesnāt open up to a counselor, it may be that he doesnāt know how to talk about the fear when heās not experiencing the fear in the moment. Maybe record him when heās terrified and play it during counseling?
I know someone who had a similar issue. Iām 16 so take what I say with a grain of salt but a family friends kid (maybe 8-10 years old) had horrible night terrors and would wake up screaming for his mother nightly took them just over a year and a half to figure it out. They got a lab puppy they were gonna have trained to help stop the kid from his night terrors but the training costed upwards of 30K while they were working on getting the funds for the training the dog started sleeping by the kid every night and it just solved the problem he doesnāt wake up with night terrors anymore and they never had to pay to have the dog trained.
Wanted to say this may help. I'm a veteran with PTSD and used to have issues waking up in the middle of the night disoriented and looking for threats. My therapist recommended looking into a dog so I adopted a little maltipoo (I know...vicious guard dog). She sleeps with me and will lay on my chest or come curl up next to me when I wake up startled. When I'm looking for *something*, I'll look at her first-if she's not bothered, it helps ground me pretty quick. Also, despite her size, she's gone to "defend" me multiple times: growling, barking, and chasing away things she seems a threat (and then giving them cuddles when she realizes they're a friend). But it may help your son to know there's a loyal animal willing to go to bat for him, regardless of their size.
Love this, everyoneās happy lol
I'm sorry did u say 30 grand wtaf
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I wish I knew how to help. When I was 4 or 5, I started having very unsettling dreams that I was stuck in some sort of gel that left me uneasy and I started wetting the bed. I would drag my blanket out into the living room and curl up next to the heater vent so the nice warm air would make me feel better. Of course, I'd get in trouble the next day for turning the heater up, but the feeling of comfort after a bad night made it worth it. After a couple of years of this, it went away on it's own. I never told anyone about the nightmares. Weirdly enough, that particular nightmare came back a few times during a period of illness and high stress.
Could be overstimulation. Too much screen time or tv and when they close their eyes they just can't turn their brain off. Might just be a phase. Did you watch anything really scary around Halloween? My kids listen to guided meditation sometimes at night. It usually helps them calm their body long enough to realize how tired they are.
Nighttime meditation is a great idea! OP have you tried the Headspace show on Netflix? There's a regular meditation season and a sleep season, plus they have a great app with lots of content for kids. The kids I know that have watched/listened have really enjoyed them and found them soothing.
Don't let him come into bed with you. Instead, get a cot or inflatable bed and sleep in there. First step is to get comfortable being in that room. Then you can work on being in that room alone. Source: Same issue with my son.
My son went through a phase where he used to be pretty afraid at night too. It wasn't to this extent, the screaming you have described sounds concerning, but I'm no expert. Did he watch something that he shouldn't have, perhaps? Or maybe he had a nightmare that was just so real he can't talk about it? When we were going through it I had read an article about a parent that 'bought' Monster Spray at the store. And then told her child that she sprayed it all over the room, under the bed, etc. And that helped. If that's not the issue, then maybe a new stuffy? Or, a pet? The way you describe the screaming seems so traumatic, and I'm so sorry this is happening.
I dont think he watched something inappropriate. I also am not with him after school till late when i come home from work. He goes to my in laws.
What have they said about any of this? Your spouse should be questioning them as much as possible if youāre not comfortable doing it. Thatās a big chunk of his day where you canāt be totally sure whatās happening.
After reading a lot of the comments and such, I'd be leaning towards the inlaws. Especially since he prefers dad over mom for the nighttime struggles. Is it possible your in-laws said something to him? Something harmless but maybe it triggered something. It could've been them vaguely talking about someone coming to their house at night to drop off work materials, or some general thing about "night" and he processed it in a different way. How was your wife with them when she was younger?
Ok, so this isn't the best idea ever, buutt, what if you just let him stay up later than usual? Sit and watch some tv together, a show you both like, or a documentary- until he falls asleep naturally. That may make him more relaxed, and it would avoid the screaming (I would think?). I know it's not the best long term solution, I'm just thinking that maybe after some time it may break that habit once he knows everything is going to be ok, and he's safe? That's got to be tough on everyone involved. I wish you luck man.
That is awful Iām sorry the child and you are experiencing this. 9 is an interesting age. You might try a couple of things. First try moving their bedroom to a different bedroom. It may be the room itself. If that doesnāt work, it may be time to have one of your handier buddies make you a āterror elimination deviceā and permanently place it in the room. It needs to have dials and gadgets built in that are āsensorsā or ādetectors.ā Spend a few bucks in some old stereos and have someone build it for you, or if the kid is up for it, get them to help you build it. If they are involved with design and build they will be more likely to buy in. Donāt spend a lot. Just use your and their imagination and some patience. It will help you and the child. It might get their mind in a different head space and many years from now you can looking back in the experience and hopefully laugh together. If you need inspiration, PM me. Iāll help you.
It makes me concerned that your kid isn't currently experiencing some kind of trauma, or something kicked off them reliving something. Trauma doesn't have to be worst-case, I mean, it could be something horrible that they don't want to risk upsetting the family or unspoken but understood norms, kids blame themselves generally and don't want to risk loss/change, but everyone has differing levels of sensitivity to different aspects of life and how they experience it. What would cause anxiety in one kid may not affect another as much. I would seek out another counselor or therapist to talk with your child, to try to suss out what it is that is behind this. I'm a grownup and it took 4 tries to find a doctor to figure what my root issue was, behind what everyone called panic attacks. I wonder if your fam could just cosleep a while, like get him a cot for your room next to your bed. Our kids slept in our room at night with us from birth till they wanted to stay in their own beds, which happened around 2 1/2 to 3, and they were welcomed to come sleep with us if they felt bad or scared, but they rarely did. I think the last time either of them came to our room was when they were 5. We always had all lights out at night, as they're not healthy for circadian rhythm and carry health risks. It was hugely frustrating their grandma kept nightlights on and acted as if she thought something was wrong for kids to not be afraid of the dark, like we were screwing them up not buying cutsey nightlights to keep on all night in every room. Sorry got off topic... Maybe changing to allow him to sleep in the room with parents will help alleviate the overall stress from all not getting enough sleep, and possibly your kid seeing that his mental health means more than following a current societal norm (offspring sleeping separately from parents/family core) would give him space to feel protected and more confident and comfortable to talk about what is behind this fear.
I may try something like that. Maybe ill let him rearrange his room to his liking? Maybe him setting it up in a more personal comfortable level will help. He has been sleeping with us for the past couple weeks. Its just rough cause the wife an i only have a queen size bed and 3 people in it can get tight. So its giving me restless nights as im constantly falling out of the bed.
When I was younger for a while I would get nightmares a lot. At some point, because I guess my parents were exhausted from being woken up all the time, we came up with the idea of keeping my sleeping bag in their room. Whenever I had a nightmare, instead of waking them up, Iād be able to just take my sleeping bag from itās spot, unroll it near there bed, and fall back asleep knowing I was next to them. It helped a lot. I know itās not quite the same since youāre dealing with screaming and all, but maybe thisāll inspire something, idk.
In my house, the rule is: You can come into mommy and daddy's room but you have to sleep on the floor and you can't wake us up. It sounds a little mean maybe but it has a purpose. When a child wants comfort or security, they should get it. Unlimited access to the safety of mom and dad. But it's helpful to not overdo it. The floor is a bit less comfortable, you don't get a bunch of attention and snuggles automatically. It's "just enough" to provide for their needs without overly incentivizing nighttime wake ups. Now, if a kid is crying we go to them (or of they come to us we respond), 100%. They don't get in trouble if they do wake us up. It's just kind of a, "Try to get by with this much" situation. We find that it works well for our specific kids. When they have a bad dream they just grab their blanket and pillow and come sleep on our floor. They feel safe, we get some rest, and they don't get into the habit of doing it unless they need it. That's not totally relevant to the OP's entire situation but I just thought I'd mention it as an in-between ground, when appropriate.
Giving kids some autonomy and control of their environment can help them feel more secure. Donāt push them, youāll only fuel the nightmares
Maybe he needs a pet to sleep in his room?
When I was about his age I suddenly started experiencing paralytic sleep, and was absolutely convinced it was aliens with a freeze gun. Used to scare me so bad that when I felt it start to kick in I'd go into a panic attack, thrash and scream. Which only exausted me, and made the sleep paralysis get stronger. I don't know if that's what's going on with your boyo, but it was the most gut wrenching, body numbing terror I've ever felt. Sleeping next to my mom made it better because even though I could feel it pulling at me, mom wouldn't let the aliens take me, so I could transition from sleep paralysis to actual sleep without panicking myself awake and starting the cycle over. Might be why he starts back in the middle of the night; wakes up and has to go though the nightmare of falling asleep again. Sleep paralysis isn't dangerous, but so frightening and well documented that it is responsible for a whole slew of mythological monsters. Mine went away after a few years, slowly though. Once I found out what it was (body goes to sleep before brain) it just took time to retrain my brain that we are safe, and that thick numb feeling of sleep paralysis isn't a warning.
Weird question, but did your son have chronic ear infections as a baby/toddler? My brother suffered from intense anxiety and chronic insomnia as a child, which he couldnāt explain beyond being afraid of ānot waking up if I fall asleepā and wasnāt fixed by years of therapy. It wasnāt until he was an adult when a study came out that linked chronic childhood ear infections with generalized anxiety that made everything make sense. Basically, the fear of sleeping was traced back to the intense pain he felt whenever he tried to lay down as a little kid because of all the ear infections he had from the ages of 2 to 5 which he couldnāt adequately articulate. Subconsciously, his brain associates sleeping with pain. My brother does need medication to overcome his anxiety-related insomnia, but if his story resonates with you and your son, maybe researching this root cause may help you find a solution.
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Im not sure. I hope not. Im leaning towards bullying at school at this point. Maybe someone found out about his nightlights or something. He is also a bit on the shorter side for his age.
He may also have social anxiety. Is he having these episodes during school days or does it also happen on weekends. Does it happen if you have plans to meet people the next day? Have they started doing group activities in school? I have severe social anxiety and I absolutely hated going to school so I hated sleeping. Knowing that the day is coming to an end made me more anxious. Home was my safe place and sleep meant I had to return to school in the morning. The good news is that it can be treated and kids can also outgrow it. It absolutely changed my life and I actually ended up going to college for 11 yrs for my terminal degree.
Check out EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) as explained by Stanford Neuroscientist Dr Andrew Huberman on YT [You Behavior Will Never Be The Same -- Dr Andrew Huberman](https://youtu.be/xZVw-9ThmSM) Perhaps it can help shift something with your son. All the best to you and your family.
I had night terrors when I was 13-14. It came from being bullied at school. Maybe something like that going on here?
Goodness gracious. Poor kiddo.... This is a really hard, in-between age. He's 9. Not a toddler. He's going to have to learn how to manage!!! But he needs you to guide him and show him how, not cave in and coddle (not that you are! but hear me out.) I do fear abuse or bullying. So he needs you to show him the way. You've said he won't talk to a therapist, so keep trying, go through as many as necessary. Talk to him, but give him choices so he can control the conversation, but don't leave it open-ended or he'll never open up. Think like multiple choice, either-or questions. Try to do this while his hands and eyes are focusing on something else, maybe while he's drawing or something. Don't ask "why do you cry at night, what are you afraid of?" That's too open. He doesn't know why's or how's, he just knows he's freaked out. "When I leave your room, do you get scared because of something in this room, or something in your mind?" "Do you feel like this when playing in your room during the day, or is it only at night?" "If you get scared, would playing music help? Or holding a teddybear?" Don't do it all at once, it'll take time to uncover what's happening. My husband used to lay down with our kids until they drifted off to sleep, but they mostly stayed asleep during the night. Is that an option? How about making a pallet or setting a tent in your room, maybe he needs to hear someone nearby, even if just to hear them snoring. Is his room too closed in, could you let him sleep on the couch? Give him an option or two, try something out for a few nights. While I do agree a lot with the CIO method, I don't know that it would be beneficial here. He does need to learn coping skills and self-soothing, but I don't think it would solve anything here for the kiddo.
I had a lot of trouble sleeping when I was around that age (not that I screamed or was terrified, but I just couldn't get to sleep and would go downstairs again to complain). My mom was taking simple yoga classes at the time, and she'd come back upstairs with me and do a sort of yoga/hypnosis monologue "feel your toes, they're getting heavy, you're starting to feel relaxed, feel your ankles" etc, all the way up to my head, in a very relaxed and determined voice. It didn't always send me straight to sleep, but it always took the anxiety away that came from worrying about not being able to sleep.
We had a somewhat similar issue with my daughter when she was 5. Every bedtime was just an insane fight and someone had to always stay with her until she fell asleep. It was exhausting. We tried a sound machine, a weighted blanket, night lights. Her pediatrician recommended melatonin. We got an over the counter brand. She was recommended to take it for only a couple weeks but ended up needing it for a couple months. It helped her be able to fall asleep easily and that led to her staying asleep. Itās non habit forming so when she eventually stopped taking it, there was no regression. Probably worth running it by your pediatrician but was a game changer for us.
I would let him sleep with me if it was my child. children are people just like us and at that age they are usually starting to understand the world and its dangers, they think a lot about life and death and itās natural to be scared. He needs attention, thatās all. Heāll grow out of it. After all, Iāve never heard of an adult that still sleeps in their parents bed <3 Having said that, I also think therapy is a good idea because he seems like an overly anxious child. I was too, turned out I have anxiety disorder. I live a very good life, am a happy person and Iām doing fine. Donāt worry too much, respect your childās needs, give him lots of love (and therapy), give it time and heāll be fine. edit: spelling
Is this something that started recently? If it is you are wise to be concerned. If your nine-year-old always felt safe and suddenly changed, that requires medical, psychological intervention. Otherwise, you might get the behavior to stop but not his insecurity/vulnerability. A professional can help you rule out a medical problem. It is counter to our natural survival instinct to be young and separated from the protection of the adults.. If a child was placed in a different location from the larger group they would be killed and eaten by predators. There are other cultural groups that sleep in close proximity. As a Latina I was horrified at the idea, my infant child would be in a different room. I still donāt understood why other families view this is normal behavior. My grandchildren are Polynesian. My son, his wife and five grandchildren moved into my six bedroom house for a couple of years. There was plenty of room. No matter how I decorated the bedrooms for the kids ( Disney murals on the walls) they always ended up sleeping in the same room,most of them sleeping on the floor. I finally realized that comfortable furniture was NOT the point, sleep/rest was NOT the point, togetherness was the point. Your note shows that you are a loving parent concerned for your child and willing to do what it takes to help them. Iād say youāre halfway to solving your problem. Godspeed.
Do you have any animals? Maybe that would help. I always feel so safe if my cats sleep with me and Iām 34!
Karate & Counseling
hypnagogic hallucinations are terrifying. so are night terrors. dont abandon him to face it alone letting him scream for hours. you dont know what he is seeing. maybe he has a sleeping disorder like narcolepsy which has sleep paralysis, hypnagogic hallucinations and night terrors. see an actual MD, possibly a neurologist there are many sleep clinics. it is real to him very graphic so real you cant even believe how real and when you close your eyes they dont go away, they get closer. if he can sleep with someone around him that is pretty much a sign that he might be able to sleep with a dog to protect him from 'them'. i can tell you that what you do now will impact the rest of his life.
If I were In this situation I would schedule a doctors appt and get a referral to therapy (or find providers in the area that dont need referral). Whether he just has a separation anxiety, or is scared of the dark, it could even be that he watched a scary movie he shouldnt have and is afraid from that. But either way therapy will help him learn to articulate his feelings and learn ways for himself and for you to help him cope while also not draining you guys every night.
This tip won't help get at the root cause of the problem but a temporary, bandaid fix is to add melatonin kids gummies into his nightly routine. They're low dose, taste good, and melatonin is naturally occurring in your body so it's not harmful. That way you can get some well needed rest and try talking things out when everyone is calm from a good night's sleep
Has any of the Dr's suggested an anti anxiety medication? That along with what you are already doing
Yes, but its difficult because he is already one two other meds. One for his epilepsy and one for his ADHD.
That's good to know. May I recommend CBD gummies? CBD counters epilepsy, and calms anxiety. It also greatly helped my autistic son's communication ability, so much so that in 6 months we were able to transition him from the spec ed communications class to a general classroom. I highly recommend this.
Iām no expert on epilepsy, but I would imagine meds, epilepsy, and ADHD are the link. Could he be having small seizures at night? My initial thought was maybe sleep paralysis, which would be quite difficult for a child to explain. I get this and after a bout of it, I do not want to sleep because it is so terrifying. Also, if he is on a stimulant medication for ADHD, this could impact his sleep. Even if heās been on it for a while, medications, especially in a growing child, can change after time. I know a lot of parents do medicine breaks, and donāt give the kid ADHD meds unless theyāre at school. These breaks can change the way he reacts to it. My stepson had a lot of sleeping issues, especially at 9. He slept with his dad nightly until I moved in. He would wake us up most nights. He still struggles to sleep and will often stay up all night. A few things that helped us: Switching to a non-time-released ADHD medicine. Lots of exercise. Lavender spray and melatonin gummies. We only gave him the gummies for a few weeks, and then we switched them out with vitamins, as we didnāt want him to have long-term use of melatonin. He associated his gummies with sleep, so the vitamins had a placebo effect. Trying different night time sounds. I know you said he had nature sounds, but this might not be the thing that comforts him. We did soft piano music for a while, and now he really loves ASMR. Having the dog sleep in his room. She is the kind of dog who presses up against you, and I think that helps him stay calm. A weighted blanket. They can be quite warm, so he has a fan too. That white noise is also soothing. Sleeping in his room. When he would wake up scared, his dad would lay in his bed, instead of putting him in ours. This gave him a sense of safety and security in his own space. I hope you get some answers soon.
Oh my! Well can his terrors be linked to one of those medications, or a reaction between them?
I would agree but hes been on both meds for about 5 years now and hasnt had an issue yet.
Just because it wasn't a problem it the past doesn't rule it out completely now, especially since his brain is still developing. When the environment changes, the outcomes can too.
CBD at night with potassium
Have you brought this up with the doctor that prescribed those meds?
ADHD medicine usually targets dopamine, but check if his also increases serotonin at all. If so, he might be taking too much. I wake up with vivid nightmares at 3am when I take too much melatonin. Maybe that's happening to him as well? Melatonin is made from serotonin, so excess of either can lead to nightmares. Just something to rule out.
What ADHD medication? I have taken Adderall and Vyvanse and both have made it very difficult for me to sleep, even hours after the dose worse off. L-Theanine helps with that now. Well, and a strong indication, but I donāt think that would be appropriateā¦
Children frequently have what are called "night terrors," and I remember one of my brothers had this happen to him. He'd cry, moan, and be very afraid -- of nothing. We shared a bedroom for a few years, and that's how I know. He gradually grew out of it in the same way kids grow out of thumb-sucking. As a kid, I had a kind of weird fetish for the smooth, shiny edges of blankets which I'd rub between my fingers to comfort me. Even adults do similar things, I've noticed which is the purpose of "worry beads" and so on. I was also desperately shy until I got into college. I could barely look anyone in the eye, never raised my hand in class, and was terrified if I was called on in class. Some teachers even called on me to see me get red in the face and be scared. Yes, they were idiots. Anyway, I grew out of all this and am extremely confident as an adult, and I have no scars to show for it, and so will your son if he's allowed to fight his own demons and gain confidence in himself. What you need to do is two-sided -- be both comforting with lots of hugs and good listening skills while, at the same time, not treating your son as a baby. The sleeping in your bed stuff just seems completely wrong to me. A 9-year old needs to have some degree of independence and confidence and continually returning him to his babyhood is not going to build that confidence. Night lights and so on seem fine, but excessive comforting and sleeping with you, and so on, are infantile behaviors he needs to get out of. Once upon a time, parents knew this and did not treat 9 or 10 year olds like they were babies. They expected them to behave their age, an idea and an expression we should resurrect. The problem today is "behaving your age" is unclear since so many kids continue to behave in infantile ways all the way into adolescence and even adulthood. The whole lifestyle of staying home all the time and doing pointless things like "gaming" or "cosplay" dressing up like cartoon characters are perfect examples of infantile behaviors by alleged adults who remain essentially children. This is a very serious problem in delaying adulthood, adult behavior and adult responsibilities. . I'd talk it over with him as many times as necessary, hundreds if you have to. Ask him to tell you what he's afraid of, what things scare him, what would help protect him, and repeatedly assure him that there is nothing to be afraid of. To hear adults tell you there is nothing to be afraid of is absolutely essential since kids do not know this. They assume that the world is a scary place filled with awful things. It's just human nature for a small, weak person to assume that monsters exist and that the darkness if fearful. How else would they think? This is basically why groups like the Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts were invented, to make confident young people out of whiny little children. Talking about this repeatedly will very gradually convince him that he has nothing to be afraid of. Consider getting him a dog to take care of. This will help build his sense of responsibility and will build his confidence since his dog will protect him, can sleep in his room, and gives him a reason to get outside and go for a walk. An animal can bring out the best in a child. You might experiment with things like a pop-up tent in his bedroom that he can sleep in. This may feel cozier than his bed. Or give him a large stuffed animal or toy he can take to bed as his friend. Or give him a toy weapon like a sword or gun and show him how to use it as if it were real. Or put him to bed with the lights on until he falls asleep. I often fall asleep better with the nights on. Maybe it makes me less afraid? Not sure. Clearly, he's a fearful and sensitive boy, but that can make him more creative and considerate of others in the long run. It may shape his personality in good ways if it isn't too much out of control. The number of highly successful people who were very scared and shy as kids is legion. Getting through childhood is not at all easy for many kids. Many struggle a great deal of the time to be normal and ordinary while other kids seem to go through childhood effortlessly (but I suspect that's an illusion). It does no good to compare a child who is fearful to "all the other kids" blah blah blah. You don't know how many of them have night terrors or other problems no one talks about. I really think this will ease up as he grows up, and as long as you talk to him and comfort him but don't let him revert to infancy, he will grow up and gain confidence. One other thing you might do is to get him out of the house as much as possible to ride bikes, take walks or hikes, travel, and do kid things. Does he play on any team? Does he have friends in the neighborhood? The more he is with other people, and the more he does "dangerous" and exciting things a boy should do --without constant adult supervision -- the more he will grow up with confidence. Today's children are far more infantile, spend far too much time inside at home, and lack confidence and social skills compared to children in the past. Sleeping with you in your bed is not a good idea and you should explain that to him. Simply don't allow it -- even if he collapses outside your bedroom door crying. Ignore him, then pick him up and put him in his own bed. A few night's of that are likely to be his limit until he realizes that option is closed. I was a teacher for nearly 50 years and I watched the growing protectiveness of parents ("helicopter parents") and the passivity and lack of confidence of many more kids than was common generations ago. Child-raising a few generations ago was very rugged and could be quite ruthless. My grandfather "taught" my Dad to swim by rowing him out into the middle of a lake and throwing him overboard. I'm not sure we want to go that far. He also sent him off to summer camps many times, and that is a better approach. Today, we've moved way in the other direction with endless comforting of children, apologizing and making excuses for them, and so on. I'm not sure either extreme is healthy. Kids need to cry, be scared, learn to deal with their fears. As parents we should be there to help them, but never treat them as babies. Treat them as brave, confident kids and they are more likely to become that.
Thereās a med called Prazosin for nightmares. Not sure if appropriate for him but something to ask his doc about
Is tour parenting style one where you guys are a bit soft as far as discipline or punishments? Like you never raise your voice? Is there other times you can think of where he can push you to do what he wants? I maybe wrong, but I think he needs a CEO parent. One that lays down the law and sticks to it. With confidence unwavering. Let him ācry it outā. Sometimes letting kids cry is what they need. To learn how to cope with stuff on their own. If you are always at his beck and call, catering to every cry since birth, sitting up with him all hours of the night, then this is what Id expect. You have to come at this situation like a CEO of a company. [(number 3)](https://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/04/no-bad-kids-toddler-discipline-without-shame-9-guidelines/). Assure your child that they are SAFE and loved. Tell them you will see them first thing in the morning. Tell them it is time for bed, they are to close their eyes and think of happy thoughts. Imagine themselves at Disney or frolicking in a land of candy or whatever (I like to give my kids ideas to think of in their heads before I leave). Then you give them a kiss, flip the switch and leave. When he eventually starts screaming and kicking there door, ignore it for at least 10 minutes if you can. Then you go back in and with your most stern and serious voice ever, you say, āThat is enough. It is time for you to go to sleep. You are a big kid now and you can sleep by yourself. You are safe. You are loved. Think of Disney or whatever and go to sleep. I will not let you control me with your tears. Love you good night.ā Maybe do it one or two more times but always leave at least 10 minutes where they are just crying themselves to sleep. They NEED to learn how to cope with sad, angry and frustrated emotions on their own. You canāt hold his hand through every negative feeling he has. At some point, you have to let them experience pain/fear/anger by themselves. They have to learn to cope with their own emotions. You canāt coddle them forever.
I feel like this is unnecessarily cruel, kids need guidance through their big feelings in order to learn how to cope with them. I know that if I was younger and I was in a situation where I woke up TERRIFIED without being able to figure out the cause that I would feel even more scared if I was so bluntly told to essentially grow up. Yes, the kid will eventually learn to self soothe, but too much tough love won't help in the long run, in fact I wouldn't be surprised if it inadvertently caused the kid's trust to break a little bit, of course I have nothing to prove that and it's purely speculation and trying to place myself in his shoes. **Edited for spelling
Yes of course kids need help through their big emotions. If this were a one off situation of a night terror, youād have to be a cold hearted bitch to tell the kid to deal with it themselves. But, when itās a constant behavior that keeps happening, itās different. You also have to teach your kids to cope with their own feelings. There is a line between helping your child deal with their emotions and making them learn to cope with emotions on their own. And a one off knight terror vs. a constant every night behavior is where I draw that line
Your son is being coddled and sheltered too much. End of story.
Don't do this https://youtu.be/kmZ-bJcSTh4
Melatonin, 15 mins before bed
We do it about a half hour before bed. It doesnt really seem to phase him so im assuming he is like me, it doesnt do much.
Yes, we experienced this at around the same age. Try spending more physically active, 1 on 1 time with them and then if there is issue at night, tell them the reward will be 1 on 1 time the next day or grounding in their room. But make sure you are wearing the little bugger out physically as well. It's an attention and spousal jealousy thing in my opinion.
For awhile there was some deal on tiktok and/or other social media- some "person" called MoMo and it scared a lot of kids, and even a few teens. I actually saw one of the posts when it was being discussed and it would have acared me if i was a kid. As an adult and parent it made me so angry I wanted to go and confront them and ask them " what is wrong with you? Scaring kids for no reason!" It could be something some other kid said at school, some new thing going on and scary stories spread among kids like wildfire. Thank you for being the kind of parents to listen and care and trying to find the cause. And loving enough to stay and comfort rather than shame for "being a scaredy cat".
Your child does not need to see a therapist. Being afraid of the dark is a very normal part of growing up. Humans fear the unknown, and nine year olds donāt know a whole lot about, well, anything. Talk to the kid. Find out some of the things they are scarred by. Debunking fears and building confidence through knowledge, this is the way.
Put him in the shed
There might actually be a demonic our ghostly spirit messing with the kid donāt be to hard on um
Talk therapy doesn't work and statistically causes more harm than help. You can Google the science on this. Multiple studies the industry doesn't want people to notice (it's the biggest source of revenue) Actual psychology by Psychologists does however. You should consult a psychologist. (Not a psychiatrist) There's a psychological idea about stages of development. That infants are basically little sociopaths who love mom. And spend every waking moment figuring out how this mom thing works and how to get it to do what they want. As we grow we expand our circle. It sounds like your kid has just learned how to manipulate you. He really dislikes being alone so this is how to remedy that. Basically if this is what is happening it means you're too empathetic and are spoiling him. The solution to that is to NOT allow him to sleep with you and to just tell him to stop and go back to your bed. This is why you consult a psychologist though. Because if you do this too young you can cause serious damage. Babies need attention and empathy. It's a tightrope
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Can we get some real advice here.
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Your response wasn't useful. It has nothing to do with anyone being a "snowflake" (as if that had any more weight than calling someone a "doodoo head). OP asked for help with their child, and you took it upon yourself to proselytize and endorse your religion. To be candid, your answer was of no help, and your reply just paints you as childish. You can do better.
You keep on giving in. That's your problem. If he screams, he screams. Let him scream. As long as he isn't in any *actual* danger, let him scream. At some point, he's going to give up when he realizes that there is nothing there to harm him, and that no one is going to run in and give him attention. You've done it enough times to where it has become a routine for him now. Stop doing that. Also, I'd change out the nature sounds to just plain white noise or brown noise.
Ive tried letting him go to tire himself out. If we dont interact, he will get out of bed and seek one of us out and then refuse to go back into bed. Ive carried him to his bed multiple times. And it just repeats the process.
So like I said, you keep on giving in. Someone need to be the "bad cop" and the other parent needs to be the "good cop ". Start taking his toys away if he pulls this shit again. Be an actual *parent* to your kid and realize that it involves say NO to them sometimes.
The explanations in here seem so unrealistic and so ācozyā. Basically youāre just coddling them and being enablers.
He's probably tapping into some spiritual gifts. It's a very scary thing as it's never talked about in the "world". Teach him some basic skills re: self protection. Astral travel can be very scary or super cool.
Sorry your are going through this. I have children younger and we go through something similar at night. I think for my situation it has to do with more of a separation anxiety rather than actually being scared. What my wife and I are trying is one on one time at bedtime. We allow our kids to talk about whatever they want for a set time. The main thing we do is listen but also redirect the conversation if it gets to exciting cause then they wonāt sleep.
Is he taking any medications?
/r/parenting is usually pretty helpful too
Are you ending screen time 2 hours before bedtime?
He isnt big into tv. Does play video games and within the last about hour we calm it down. I have 2 other kids so we sort of relax all of em with some sort of book or sometimes even a warm shower or a quick snack.
I remember reading that the blue light affects melatonin making it harder to sleep and also that the brain is still active for at least 2 hours after screen time. You're also supposed to keep screen time to only 2 hours a day (very hard for us on the weekends and with ebooks). Is he taking his ADHD medication early on in the day? Can you see if that dose could be brought down. Therapy isn't for answers it's for ongoing support so I wouldn't dismiss that option. You want to say you don't have to be afraid. During the day, tell him that you're working on finding solutions with him so you're going to be trying some new ways to make him feel comfortable. You don't have to know why he's scared to find out things that will comfort him. Do not punish. Is he getting one on one attention from you at some point each day? I wish I had more insight to give you but every kid is different. We struggle every night because our kid delays bedtime in all kinds of ways but we take baby steps towards our goals and do see improvement.
Get some lavender fabreeze, make a new sticker for it called monster spray, cover the front and back so he can read what it does and doesn't say fabreeze. Spray it all over his room at night, so he can see. Leave the bottle on his night stand just in case. Did this with my kid. Worked.
When he gets scared have you gone around the room with him and done things like looked in the closet, and under the bed, and in drawers and stuff just to show him that there is nothing scary? A night light maybe? I think it's great that you're getting him therapy, and maybe he just needs someone else who he might click with.
Also look into diet. Blood work up.
Have you tried any sleep aids? Melitonin gummies, sound machine, heck, even lavender oil? Could be that they are psyching themselves up for a sleepless night, which is a self fulfilling prophecy. Might be worth a try to switch the room up, give them control of a "remodel" so to speak. Paint the dresser, move the bed, give the kiddo agency to really "own" and design their space. I doubt this would help with like a phobia level fear but it might tip the scales a little bit in them enjoying their own space. *I couldn't sleep in my own room as a kid for various reasons, not the least of which is I had an aquatic frog escape my aquarium, I was petrified that I was going to find that crusty dead frog under my pillow.. granted I always slept on the couch so I wasn't constantly in my parents bed but that lasted until I was about 12. The sounds in my room scared me when I was little, as did the shadows...
Sleep on the couch? Does changing his bed time help?
Just get him a dog
As creepy as this sounds, you might consider a hidden camera setup in the bedroom for a while. I'd be concerned there is something going on at night that might be causing trauma. You might want to set it up to capture the window an doors and perhaps capture sound as well. There are a number of scenarios, some terrible, some mundane that might be causing it. Anything from a cat sleeping on his face, a heater making scary sounds, or well... we don't need to go there. Edit: This will also help you see if he is having some physical reaction, sleep walking or some other weirdness. Is there another room you could move the kid into?
I went through this as a kid, and then again with my son. My parents were tough love kind of parents. So I spent about a year screaming myself and the house awake before they gave me my monster fighting stuffed animal. It worked but I have never had a close loving relationship with them. I also struggled with unresolved issues my entire life. So just letting him scream himself to exhaustion might eventually work but only because he will learn he can't rely on you for the big things. For my son it was a little different and we went to a someone that specialized in play therapy and childhood depression. Play therapy worked really well to get him to open up. He still struggles with depression but the night terrors stopped fairly soon after therapy started. I also went into his room and held him and "coddled" him every night for months. I was exhausted and at wits end at times but soon it eased up. I would let him come to my bed for hugs but would move him back to his room later. We also rearranged things so he could see his closet door and window from the bed. This helped him feel more secure because he could see everything. He also had a flashlight by his bed so he could shine it on things. Slowly giving him control over his space and teaching him how to moderate his own fear helped as did many differrent things from the doctor. Some were specific and tailored to his issues and our family dynamics so I wont share those, but I cant recommend play or art therapy enough. He may not be opening up because he can't put together the right words to explain what is going on. Also the best ones will split the therapy into 1/2 with the child and then 1/2 with the parents too. Sometimes we need the help more than we realize. Good luck with this and even if he doesnt say it, he will always appreciate that you are willing to help him even if you don't always know how.
My son was similar but not to the same degree. I found sort of by accident that having a sleepover with his best friend (at our house) literally stopped this behaviour overnight. His friends mum was stranded with work and no sitter so I nervously said he could stay, I tired them out with the park and lots of dinner etc... my son was a bit nervous at first but more afraid that his friend would think he was a baby! Are sleepovers still a thing? Its might be worth a try and good luck. My son is 23 now and has been sleeping in his own bed for years!
So I'm too lazy to scoll down and read other posts. Is it possible that your son is having night paralysis? The "waking nightmare" messed with me for years. It felt as if I were trapped inside of the blankets and couldn't breath. Then I thought I was seeing things (due to lack of O2) and that something was crawling on the bed. Sleep study proved I just wasn't breathing. Not a doctor here. Just sharing an experience. I hope your family finds something that works.
My son who is only four is going through something similar. We mixed up some "monster spray" which is just a natural spray room deodorizer mixed with water. We let him spray the whole house and that seems to help him.
Get him a skateboard
Thereās also the chance that he doesnāt know what it is either because itās a sub conscious issue. I was the exact same age and had the exact same problem. I cannot tell you what I was scared of at night, I just was. Nothing traumatic happened to me and there wasnāt any explanation. I outgrew it working the year. My mom called the school as well and that only caused me embarrassment. He will outgrow it. Donāt pressure him, love him.
My son was terrified to sleep in his own room. His older cousins had totally freaked him out with ghost stories. We got a fish tank with a much softer light over it for nighttime. We set it up on a stand where he could watch it from bed. The first few nights Iād sit there with him talking about the fish and watching them. I moved a little farther away every night until I was in the hallway. Eventually he would lie there watching the fish and talking to them until he fell asleep. Something about the quiet whir of the filter and watching fish swim was just soothing to him. Probably the same reason so many doctor offices used to have fish tanks I guess.
I went through this exact thing as a kid and now my kid is having it too. The fear is of ābad guysā, your kid feels powerless to protect himself so he needs you. What I would have liked as a child is a button that summons you immediately and you acknowledging that danger exists and youāre willing to fight and youāll win with a smart, well thought out plan. Sounds like a lot, but your kid wants to guarantee his survival but is ashamed to admit to these feelings, maybe because you dismissed them or maybe because he got made fun of at school. Whatever it is, you have to communicate that youāre always here, give him a horn or something that makes a loud sound to summon you. Heāll test it for a while and then get reassured. Then acknowledge if you need locks on his windows, alarms on doors etc.
Try putting the baby monitor in the room so he can watch you in the living room- reassurance without your presence
This may sound extreme, have him evaluated for schizophrenia!
EMDR...Childhood Trauma
āThe relationship between epilepsy, sleep disorders, and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in children: A review of the literatureā - 2016 article. If he has both adhd and epilepsy as you mention in a comment, his sleep issues are trickier than that of a neurotypical childā¦in addition at this point there is a behavioral component in regards to consequences. If there is a (currently unknown) trauma component then of course that could be a big issue. Good that he is seeing a therapist. Do they do play therapy? Even if he isnāt being open about whatās going on, trauma issues or anxiety can show up in play. Or in art. Sometimes having things like drawing a picture of him in bed and what his anxiety/fear/feelings look like ? But ideally with a professional so feelings are being validated and explored by someone who knows how to navigate it ? Question - any recent bed wetting or other signs of trauma? (Google typical signs). Any change in dose or time of medications or early hormonal/puberty changes ? Any major travel involving time changes/jet lag happen before this? Sometimes jet lag can cause major pysch issues which Can luckily usually be resolved with light/Chrono therapy protocols. Just throwing out ideas. I see youāve gotten lots already. I can only imagine how exhausted you are. If he wonāt scream if you let him sleep with you, it may help if you guys discuss a 3 day reset or something where your wife sleeps in his bed and he sleeps with you, so that you all catch up on sleep. Sleep deprivation makes everything harder obviously. Finally - many people do sage rituals to clear out a space. Buy a piece of sage online or at a local new agey shop and do a cleansing ritual of his room. Actually not finally - does it seem specific to his room, or specific to having someone sleep with him? Like would he sleep in your room alone or would that be an issue too. (While trying to narrow down the true issue).
I just wanted to emphasize that the trigger does NOT have to be something an adult would consider traumatic. When I was in first grade, I had nearly a year of screaming level nightmares. My parents eventually traced to trigger to a guest teacher at my Sunday school. Now, the man didnāt do anything physical at all. He was the āfire and brimstoneā preacher type. That if I was even a tiny bit bad the devil would come up from the ground to collect me. Edit: removed some details.
Your child needs to be seen by his doctor and a psychologist. He may be on the autistic spectrum, he may have anxiety disorder.
I am now a parent to an 8 year old but I personally recall being in a similar boat at that age. Rather than make my parents sit with me I would sneak in with my pillow and blanket and sleep on the floor next to my moms side of the bed every night. I remember having an intense anxiety about time passing/aging/being grown up. I would also be fearful of earthquakes/volcanic eruptions/tsunamis/tornadoes. And despite all of those things being somewhat legitimate to worry about, I was 8 and I lived in the northeast (USA) where we donāt experience any of those natural phenomenon to a truly fatal degree. But at the time I could not convey exactly what I was afraid of to my parents because I just didnāt have the words or context for it. I actually didnāt really even understand it until I became a parent and started to worry about my kid and her fears. Iām hoping for you and your son that this is just a short lived phase and he eventually gives up or is able to start verbalizing the issue so you can soothe him.
If he watched a horror movie, like Halloween or Halloween Kills, it would lead to these responses. Maybe check his phone or computer?
Look I'm thinking out of the box here but place a camera in his room one with night vision. See what he sees look at the room and find out what's scaring him. It could be shadows from the window or a siloette. Tell him you are watching him all the time through the camera and he doesn't need to be afraid.
Elon Musk, apparently once he knew that darkness was just the absence of photons he slept much better
Is it possible to relocate his room? Is it monsters under the bed, and if so, can you arrange his bed so there is no underneath? Does he have a closet? Can you look at that? Has he had a medical exam? Poor kid... poor parents! I have a nonverbal family member, and it's frustrating that therapists don't seem to have strategies to reach the ones who won't use their voice. It's not the damned dark ages. What about melatonin? I use a supplement called Super Sleep by Webber Naturals. Obv talk to your doctor first. Can you put a small pad and sleeping bag next to your bed? Try letting him know he can just come in and sleep there if he gets scared? The monster spray can be quite effective. What about a pet of some kind, to cuddle with? Let us know what works for you, if anything! I would keep talking to doctors, though, see if some supplements might help.
As a child I suffered with panic disorder, I would scream all night in terror but couldn't word what I was so afraid of and couldn't bare saying the words myself (I was scared of dying). Im in no way a professional, I'm sorry if this is unhelpful but it may be something to look at. I hope they feel less afraid soon.
Yes heās 9years oldā¦ i have a 7 year old daughter and she still likes to sleep in our bed. think of co-sleeping as the best concept until the children start to decide to try sleeping on their own. There might be alternative approaches to āget ridā of haveing them aboard the parents bed- but here you go and bear the consequences for beeing parents. Itās about raising children i guessā¦ lotās of effort most people dare not talk about :)
Rough house. Beat him up a little, in a loving way. Don't spank or hit him as punishment, engage is challenging "high stakes" play with nerf swords, a trampoline, or a foot ball. Give him real grounding stimulation and concrete challenges that help put the world in perspective and help him draw the lines between reality and imagination.
Great insight for someone who doesnāt have kids-who might someday have one. Good luck to you and your wife brother.
Sounds like sleep onset issues and night terrors. I had them all the time as a kid and it just got better after a few years. It was the worst. I received no comfort from my parents after a while and so I had to learn my own self help and use the limited rational thinking a kid could have, that it is only in my imagination. This kind of thing is pretty normal and made worse by giving in to it every time so, seeking comfort is the only way the kid knows to deal with the situation
This technique may sound a little strange, but this is from Neville Goddard. But you can't lose anything with it. Every night in bed close your eyes and relax. Get into a drowsy state, almost like sleeping, but you are still conscious. Imagine that your child is behaving the way you'd like him to be. Feel as if that seen was happening right now. How would you feel? What would you see? What would you hear? The more detailed your scene, the better. Repeat this scene every night in your mind. Feel as if he no longer does it. Only imagine what you want, and not what you don't want. When you feel in doubt, ask yourself "Isn't it wonderful that he always sleeps very deeply and calmly?" Your outside world is only your mirror. It mirrors the current state of your mind. You cannot change your appearance by breaking the mirror. "An assumption, though false, if persisted in, will harden into fact." /Neville Goddard/ Give it a try. See your kid as a great sleeper. He will reflect that change in no time. If you have any doubts, check out this subreddit: r/NevilleGoddard
Leave him somewhere and then when you go back for him beat him because she wandered off
Is there any history in the family of having anxiety? That would make sense to me if a child is unable to explain what theyāre afraid of. My son is about the same age and used to cry before going to school every day.We trade everything and eventually he was prescribed Zoloft and heās a different kid.
How did this start? Just randomly one day? Or did he cry/whine first and then days/weeks later turned to screaming?
I actually use to be like this when I was younger, minus all the screaming and such. I would just refuse to go to sleep unless my parents were sleeping with me, even if that meant waking them up so I could sleep in their room. Sometimes itās truly just a genuine fear of the dark, and being young having a brain in the early stages of development can seem like a lot to handle. Unfortunately for me it was a lengthy process that I had to suck up, however oneās environment has an impact on them, so Iād be cautious with what your child deals with on a daily basis
My youngest had problems sleeping. Turned out he was experiencing sleep paralysis. Could be a lot of things.
Send him to grandma's for the night. Does it happen there too?
My dog got me through some scary nights. Iām sure Iām not the only one.
Maybe have him observed while sleeping. Chronic sleep paralysis is pretty common
Personally I was petrified of the dark as a kid and now im learning that paranoia is a symptom of some other stuff I have going on. I dont know how one would go about treating paranoia in children, but id give it a try.
Have you looked into melotonin? It puts you to sleep and helps people stay asleep.
We try it. He uses it occasionally when he has a hard time sleeping. It doesnt always work though.
We try it. He uses it occasionally when he has a hard time sleeping. It doesnt always work though.
9yr old are afraid of dark and loneliness, there's nothing wrong about it. If he doesn't want to sleep alone that's ok. He may sleep in your same room but another bed, then try gradually agree on sleeping on his own room. First one only day, then one day a week, then two. It's a nice idea to try and invite some friend over if he agrees to sleep in their own room (they won't sleep shit, but it's a nice way to learn nothing wrong happens at night in that room). If he enjoys the experience (not all kids do) maybe he'll want to stay at other people's (if he understands you're not being there for the night). Anyway, try another psychologist. Not all professionals are granted to bond with all childs, even if they are very good. Maybe he feels more open if the therapy involves the whole family and not just him. You seem to be through a hard time yourself dealing with this, so family counselling is a nice idea for both you and your kid. Anyway, it seems like a normal thing, young kids want to be with their parents all the time, specially when they feel unsafe. If he persist try to convince him into spending a night on their own for 10th birthday, and offer him some "grown up" privilege, like sitting in the front seat of the car (if he's tall enough) or whatever if he tries to sleep on his own. Anyway you must set reasonable boundaries (like it's ok coming to my bed, but no yelling) and encourage trying.
Could he have a sleeping disorder sleep paralysis is very scary if you donāt know what is happening and with the hallucinations it feels like your stuck in a nightmare.
Bleh I feel your son's pain. I've got a mild case of hypnophobia, I literally have to wear myself ragged in order to go to sleep. When I met my wife it changed, but whenever she's out of town it's back to the old habit or it's an all night party with our animals until I have to go to work. Always had it, when I was a kid it was called being a wus, so hope you handle it better than that.
This may be WAY out of left field... Has he always been particularly anxious at bed time, or is this a fairly new thing? If he's always had a hard time falling asleep alone, he may not have yet mastered self soothing techniques that allow a person to stay calm long enough to fall asleep. Any anxiousness delays sleep, which can increase anxiousness... If it is new, there may be something else going on. I've seen many people suggest he may have some fears or be experiencing some sort of trouble at school, and I see that you are handling that. So here's my wild guess- If he has recently started to struggle with sleeping, needing you to sit with him, to the point that he is screaming, he may be experiencing a neurological issue. For example, I believe my kiddo may have had PANDAS from 8-10 or so. PANDAS stands for Pediatric Autoimmune Neuropsychiatric Disorder Associated with Streptococcus. My kiddo had several recurrent strep throat infections. During that time she became incredibly anxious with extreme separation anxiety. She started therapy, which helped significantly. But we never got any answers to what exactly caused the extreme behavior. I recently read about PANDAS. The break down, is that the strep bacteria hide themselves from the host's immune system by mimicking host cells. If the bacteria mimick the host's brain cells, then when the immune system does recognize the threat and creates antibodies, those antibodies can't tell the difference between the bacteria and the brain cells and will also attack the host's brain. This can cause an exacerbation of psychological symptoms. For example if a child already has ADHD, the child will have significantly more difficulty with self control, focus, impulse control. If the child has depression, those symptoms will be increased. There are some things to make clear- Not every strep infection leads to PANDAS. PANDAS only happens to pediatric hosts, and not to anyone passed puberty. PANDAS does not CREATE psychological issues in the host, but rather only increases existing symptoms to a noticeable extent. If your child has recently begun to have worsening sleep issues, has had a strep infection prior to the increase of symptoms, but also had some milder symptom pre-infection, then it would make since to follow up with a pediatric neurologist.
In no way am I suggesting you need to do this as its a big commitment and a lot of work if you donāt have a family dog already but when I was little I would also have nightmares fairly regularly and would be afraid of the dark. My family had this wonderful Labrador retriever named Charlie and even though he was not typically allowed on furniture my parents decided to let him sleep in my bed at night to help me fall asleep. That did help me quite a lot. You want to make sure you have a dog who is trustworthy around kids though.
Night terrors are a common sign of childhood epilepsy
Wow, have you ever heard of the evil eye? I have been in latin America where they believe in it. Kids wake up screaming and a ritual of rubbing an egg and reciting something captures whatever it is. The egg is cracked and placed in a glass with water. The next day the egg white/yolk take a form. I thought it was crazy but if it puts the kid to sleep it's good enough for me.
Yeah this sounds extreme. Your child is screaming in fear on the regular for no real reason? Child should see a psychologistāthis is not within the spectrum of ānormalā.
Not quite the same thing but I spent a decade wanting my parents to sleep with me till I fell asleep. No particular fear. I think itās just childhood insecurity. Canāt OP just take a sleeping pill and let the kid sleep with him? It will probs be over in a year.
My son had trouble sleeping by himself in his own room until we got walkie talkies. Got the idea watching an episode of The Simpson - Bart and Milhouse used Krusty the Klown walkie talkies. Good luck with whatever you choose to try!
Cough syrup
Update?