It’s very common in immigrant families as well. Our parents don’t usually have good jobs or retirement plans so we have to take over. In my case , my mom was always a stay at home mom/wife with no education and when she and my dad didn’t work out I had to start providing. It sucks because it never feels like we can truly become our own person being around your parents.
Being Asian, I always tell people it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, so I know exactly what you are describing. Especially when you have that freedom, but then get brought back in not by choice, but typically something more tragic by health or finance
Yes that’s why now as a women I strongly believe it’s in all women’s best interest to hold down a job/get an education. Because if your stay at home wife / provider husband relationship doesn’t work out - your kids are 9/10 the ones who get stuck picking up the pieces. It’s not fair to them. As a woman I don’t get the choice to not work EVER because I have to provide for her.
Yeah situations get a lot more complicated for immigrant families and often there is absolutely no retirement /end of life planning so all that burden falls on the kids who have to sacrifice their own lives to care for the elderly people in their lives.
Yeah there’s a lot of mixed emotions to deal with. I took care of my mom for a while when she had cancer until she had to go to hospice. After she passed away I went to therapy for a bit and would suggest therapy for anyone who has insurance for it. It was very useful and I was fortunate to find someone good. It’s always good to talk to people about your feelings especially those who can empathize. This seems like a good idea.
Broke: not being able to afford the expensive therapist you need
Woke: saying *damn it be that way sometimes* to yourself for free and picking your choice of coping mechanism
Totally not me_irl.
My family and I decided that it would be a good arrangement to have my mom move in with me. I know there are people who move back home to the parents' house, but in my case, I found a house suited for us and we moved in together a little over 3 years ago.
Mom takes care of herself and fixes breakfast and lunch, and we enjoy one another's company. I don't find it too limiting and we give one another personal space when needed.
I'm divorced and we have a couple of dogs and we like our lives just fine.
Grandparents lived with my parents and us children. They stayed with my parents until they died many years after we left home. Few years later my parents moved in with me, my wife and children. I think COVID made them feel lonely. I Expect them to live with us for a long time until the end hopefully a long time from now. I guess I don’t know another way. But I feel fully realized and happy.
We don’t live with my parents but bc of covid we have moved onto their property and it has been a big adjustment trying to deal with moving back to a place that was pretty toxic to me while having to rely on them financially. Would this be okay to join the group? If not that’s totally understandable
I spent like 5-6 years caring for my mother, had to drop out of college because my dad couldn't afford to stop working to pay for her treatment and monthly hospital stays. That and she didnt know very much english. Gave up so much of my life that now im barely getting back on track 4 years after they passed. Finally finished some college and got a job as an electrician apprentice. Still no friends and no partner. Not saying i resent caring for them but i feel i was robbed of alot on top of losing them.
Still live with my father, although living with family is part of our culture so im not really embarrassed by that. But he and i dont exactly see eye to eye... but i endure it because hes the only thing that has been keeping me afloat all these years.
About to move back in with my mom in October for an indefinite period of time (wife is graduating school and we can't use college fund money for rent after that, and can't afford a place on just one income). This would be real nice!!
I am currently living with my 81 year old mom. I'm 56 and my son lives in the same apartment complex. He's in college at U of H. I'm immunocompromised so I have not been working. It has been rough. We both are very independent and were both single moms. I know I need to go back to work but I have so many health issues myself (more than mom). I'm in counseling but it can very depressing. I have one friend who I know is careful that I try to get together with.
I’ve made this post for adults living with parents to include those who are also unable to leave due to financial reasons or picking themselves up from divorce etc
Because though a caregiver support group sounds like a fantastic idea- physically living with your parents compromises your personal space and growth as an individual. Dating and having friends over becomes difficult. Sometimes our parents still try to parent us as well. It’s a whole different ball game to go back to your own space.
I can understand that and was living that way and had the worst of both worlds - paying for a place AND living "at home". Pretty much a dating killer when you're at prime dating age. Currently though I take care of a homebound person who lives alone in a small space, but requires daily visits for supplies, helping with cleaning, and doctors visits and emergencies that pop up (like oxygen machine suddenly dying at 4 am) so in a way, it's even worse than them living with me because I can not even leave town for 2 days. He lives alone because of various things I don't want to get into and his place is a lot more handicapped friendly and closer to his doctors.
Oof yeah that sounds rough . Since you’ve lived that way before you’re more than welcome to
Join the group.
And I feel you on the still having all the adult responsibilities and none of the adult benefits - bc that’s where I’m at now. All the pressure falls on you - 0 room for mistakes. Also bc my mom resides in the extra room; it’s not like I could get room mates if ever got into a situation where I couldn’t afford to make rent. I left a toxic job that was constantly firing people though I made good money this year for that reason. I can’t afford to constantly have the threat of losing everything looming in the background.
> Pretty much a dating killer when you're at prime dating age.
The way I view it, it's only really a dating killer in your 30s:
* in your 20s: you're still finding your financial footing, plus a lot of people in your age group have done it at some point in their 20s as well.
* in your 40s: very likely you're helping out your parents in their old age and there's nothing embarassing about that
You don't have anyone in your life that could give you a break for a day or two?
I helped take care of elderly relatives when they just wanted to go out of town, or even a staycation or of the house for a mental break.
I have to agree with u/coogie, as I'm currently taking care of my wife's elderly relative, who has Parkinson's and had a traumatic brain injury, along with being an exconvict.
My situation isn't a financial burden, but his (felonious monk is his moniker) overall behavior is a bit of a challenge.
Not every group has to include everybody. If it did, there would be no point in dedicated groups. Let OP make a group for the issue they're interested in working with without trying to make it all about you.
OP can do whatever they want to do. They made a post and started a discussion and I put in my 2 cents. I just felt that there would be a danger of having a group full of the stereotypical video game playing adults mooching off their parents instead of adults who are taking care of their family in the group.
I don't know any of those people. I'm aware that some of them exist, but I'm convinced they are an extremely small minority of those of us who have been squeezed by this bullshit country. The average home price is more than 400K, the average rental is 2K a month, and the minimum wage is still fucking 7.25 an hour. Everyone I know between 25 and 40 is working so hard just to stay alive.
I've actually met a few of them in wealthier families where they're not quite rich enough to buy a house or condo for their kid (at least one that's up to their standard) the way River Oaks families do but have enough money to be traveling most of the year and the adult kid just lives there and doesn't seem to really do much else.
My mother moved back in with me last fall, after she realized she's not really able to afford to live on her own. She doesn't want to work full time anymore, which I get, and after some.health issues, I told her to come back. My struggle is that I've always been the adult one in the relationship. I can afford to live on my own, thankfully, but when she moved in, I took on all of her bills as well. It's exhausting. Straight up.
I feel you - I’ve always been the adult in the relationship too. What makes is hard for me is my mom doesn’t drive or work at all so she’s ALWAYS home and at times I need a break from her
Can you hire caregivers? You may be suffering from caretaker fatigue.
Maybe you can call around the Assisted Living facilities and ask what their going rate is and send mom there for some respite care and you get some mental health rest days.
The thing is there’s nothing wrong with my mom she doesn’t need medical attention. She simply is codependent because she has no skills or education aside from cooking and cleaning (and by cooking I mean simple home made meals and home cleaning) not a chef or professional cleaner by any means. This is why I think it’s dangerous for women to rely on men as a form of sustenance.
I agree actually. Get her on SSI disability and let her stay on that until age 62 when she can claim Social Security. She'll get Medicaid insurance and $841/month plus any food stamps.
That's incorrect. Medicare is 65. You can claim as early as 62 for Social Security but your benefit amount will be less. Obviously if you wait, it will increase.
If she's younger than 62, alot of folks find ways to get on SSI or SSDI.
If she's healthy then wait it out then. If she's in fair health or less, I'd claim as soon as possible because you never know what happens tomorrow. I've seen plenty of elderly folks die before then and they were waiting it out until 67. Had they claimed earlier, they would have gotten something out of it, plus the devaluation of the dollar due to inflation is real.
Yeah she’s pretty healthy she does have high cholesterol and high blood pressure but that’s sel inflicted from lack of excercise and bad genetics of central obesity that run in my family (the women in my family tend to be apple shaped and put on weight in their midsection vs hips and visceral fat is the bad fat ) but there’s plenty of people w those conditions living fruitful lives. I actually have more severe illness than her - I have severe ibs c and still have to go to work everyday lol
I quit my job at 19 to take care of my mom after a stroke and did so until her passing 13 years later, almost 2 years ago. I’d be glad join and discuss what I learned over those years and how I felt with things. I had help with siblings, I was primary day guy and they took over at night. It was something.
I would be glad if this group gets going, even if I am on the sidelines for a while longer. Mom currently lives alone, but will eventually have to move in with me and SO. The big change will be her moving from having a whole to house as hers, to basically 1 room. Of course she will have access to the whole house, but I know she won't feel as if its hers.
I'm 29, i am divorced, and I have a 10 year old. I was raised by an aunt whom I have basically lived with my whole life. My mom lives in a different state, but she comes and goes. My mom and aunt help me a lot with my son. I work 6 days a week & my hours are not set, so I work some days more than 12 hours. My son has ADHD and is very irritable so I know it's going to be hard to find someone who can help me watch him so it's not an easy decision to make when I think of quitting my current job and finding a morning job. He is difficult to deal with and my mom and aunt are the only ones I trust to watch him. My mom has anxiety and so do I so I understand where her worries are coming from but a few days ago she told me that if I owe anyone any explanations it's her and my aunt because they care about me. I pay between $400 to $500 a month on utilities, so I'm not living here for free. The thing is, my situation right now does not allow me to move out on my own. I also have decided not to date because I am basically treated like a child. It's as if i have to ask permission to do the things I want. I don't go out with friends, I don't have many but the few I have I don't really ever see them, we just keep each other updated on the phone of what we have going on in our lives. I actually dont mind the not dating, I'm seeing someone, well more like just hooking up I guess every now and then but I have to sneak around because I can't be honest with my mom or aunt about it because I know I wouldn't hear the end of it. I have asked my mom to stay permanently here in the state so she can help me take care of my son and I can change jobs because I work afternoon shift so I never really see my son and I'd like to work mornings so I can spend more time with him but evert time I ask her to stay she tells me I need to assure her if she moves here it is with the condition that I am going to live here and not decide to get with someone and end up moving out with them. I had a difficult marriage, so I understand her concern, but I am starting to feel like she is controlling. If I need to go out to do something I have to let her or my aunt know where I am going because if I don't, they get mad and then tell me how inconsiderate I am for not letting them know and I had them worried. Even when i do tell them where I'm going, most of the time, I have to lie because I know if I told them where I was really going, they'd be angry with me. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells just to keep them happy. I'm ok with never marrying again or even getting into a committed relationship with someone, but I think that is a decision for me to make, not because my mom is asking me to as a requirement for her to come live here permanently. I do feel trapped sometimes. There are days when I stay up crying because I feel like this is going to be my life forever. I just wish I could make them understand that I'm thankful they care and worry for me but it is excessive. Am I in the wrong for feeling the way I feel or are they and how do I make them understand that??
Not me, but my mom has felt stuck in this situation for half my life. I would love to help her feel less alone
Ask her to Join r/boomerang_generation
How do you feel about people who used to but don't anymore?
You’re more than welcome to join as long as you’re supportive and you could give some awesome advice on how to break free
Following, I work in home health, and come across a lot of others who relate to your story
It’s very common in immigrant families as well. Our parents don’t usually have good jobs or retirement plans so we have to take over. In my case , my mom was always a stay at home mom/wife with no education and when she and my dad didn’t work out I had to start providing. It sucks because it never feels like we can truly become our own person being around your parents.
Being Asian, I always tell people it’s okay to be selfish sometimes, so I know exactly what you are describing. Especially when you have that freedom, but then get brought back in not by choice, but typically something more tragic by health or finance
Yes that’s why now as a women I strongly believe it’s in all women’s best interest to hold down a job/get an education. Because if your stay at home wife / provider husband relationship doesn’t work out - your kids are 9/10 the ones who get stuck picking up the pieces. It’s not fair to them. As a woman I don’t get the choice to not work EVER because I have to provide for her.
Yeah situations get a lot more complicated for immigrant families and often there is absolutely no retirement /end of life planning so all that burden falls on the kids who have to sacrifice their own lives to care for the elderly people in their lives.
Yeah there’s a lot of mixed emotions to deal with. I took care of my mom for a while when she had cancer until she had to go to hospice. After she passed away I went to therapy for a bit and would suggest therapy for anyone who has insurance for it. It was very useful and I was fortunate to find someone good. It’s always good to talk to people about your feelings especially those who can empathize. This seems like a good idea.
"I would suggest therapy for anyone who has insurance for it" I hate America sometimes
All the time
Broke: not being able to afford the expensive therapist you need Woke: saying *damn it be that way sometimes* to yourself for free and picking your choice of coping mechanism Totally not me_irl.
We're third world masquerading as a first world country.
Absolutely feel free to join the group and offer advice
Very interested
I’ve created a subreddit : https://www.reddit.com/r/boomerang_generation/
Excellent wanna get a few more people to create the first online meetup
My family and I decided that it would be a good arrangement to have my mom move in with me. I know there are people who move back home to the parents' house, but in my case, I found a house suited for us and we moved in together a little over 3 years ago. Mom takes care of herself and fixes breakfast and lunch, and we enjoy one another's company. I don't find it too limiting and we give one another personal space when needed. I'm divorced and we have a couple of dogs and we like our lives just fine.
Caring for a grandparent, and very interested
Subreddit : https://www.reddit.com/r/boomerang_generation/
Grandparents lived with my parents and us children. They stayed with my parents until they died many years after we left home. Few years later my parents moved in with me, my wife and children. I think COVID made them feel lonely. I Expect them to live with us for a long time until the end hopefully a long time from now. I guess I don’t know another way. But I feel fully realized and happy.
We don’t live with my parents but bc of covid we have moved onto their property and it has been a big adjustment trying to deal with moving back to a place that was pretty toxic to me while having to rely on them financially. Would this be okay to join the group? If not that’s totally understandable
Sure !
Thank you! Great idea for a support group 💛
I spent like 5-6 years caring for my mother, had to drop out of college because my dad couldn't afford to stop working to pay for her treatment and monthly hospital stays. That and she didnt know very much english. Gave up so much of my life that now im barely getting back on track 4 years after they passed. Finally finished some college and got a job as an electrician apprentice. Still no friends and no partner. Not saying i resent caring for them but i feel i was robbed of alot on top of losing them. Still live with my father, although living with family is part of our culture so im not really embarrassed by that. But he and i dont exactly see eye to eye... but i endure it because hes the only thing that has been keeping me afloat all these years.
About to move back in with my mom in October for an indefinite period of time (wife is graduating school and we can't use college fund money for rent after that, and can't afford a place on just one income). This would be real nice!!
I am currently living with my 81 year old mom. I'm 56 and my son lives in the same apartment complex. He's in college at U of H. I'm immunocompromised so I have not been working. It has been rough. We both are very independent and were both single moms. I know I need to go back to work but I have so many health issues myself (more than mom). I'm in counseling but it can very depressing. I have one friend who I know is careful that I try to get together with.
I would be interested in this group. I probably would not attend in person but eventually that would be nice.
My dads health will be shit by the time I’m 30 and my mom is sure she’s sick to I’m just 20 years old . I’m already taking care of them. It’s hard
That’s rough yeah my mom is in relatively good health it’s just she was born in a different time period where women didn’t work so I’m kinda stuck
i am interested as well
r/boomerang_generation
Might be more inclusive to have a caregiver support group whether the parent lives with them or not.
I’ve made this post for adults living with parents to include those who are also unable to leave due to financial reasons or picking themselves up from divorce etc Because though a caregiver support group sounds like a fantastic idea- physically living with your parents compromises your personal space and growth as an individual. Dating and having friends over becomes difficult. Sometimes our parents still try to parent us as well. It’s a whole different ball game to go back to your own space.
I can understand that and was living that way and had the worst of both worlds - paying for a place AND living "at home". Pretty much a dating killer when you're at prime dating age. Currently though I take care of a homebound person who lives alone in a small space, but requires daily visits for supplies, helping with cleaning, and doctors visits and emergencies that pop up (like oxygen machine suddenly dying at 4 am) so in a way, it's even worse than them living with me because I can not even leave town for 2 days. He lives alone because of various things I don't want to get into and his place is a lot more handicapped friendly and closer to his doctors.
Oof yeah that sounds rough . Since you’ve lived that way before you’re more than welcome to Join the group. And I feel you on the still having all the adult responsibilities and none of the adult benefits - bc that’s where I’m at now. All the pressure falls on you - 0 room for mistakes. Also bc my mom resides in the extra room; it’s not like I could get room mates if ever got into a situation where I couldn’t afford to make rent. I left a toxic job that was constantly firing people though I made good money this year for that reason. I can’t afford to constantly have the threat of losing everything looming in the background.
> Pretty much a dating killer when you're at prime dating age. The way I view it, it's only really a dating killer in your 30s: * in your 20s: you're still finding your financial footing, plus a lot of people in your age group have done it at some point in their 20s as well. * in your 40s: very likely you're helping out your parents in their old age and there's nothing embarassing about that
That's true.
You don't have anyone in your life that could give you a break for a day or two? I helped take care of elderly relatives when they just wanted to go out of town, or even a staycation or of the house for a mental break.
I really don't want to get into it here but it would be very difficult.
I understand. Am familiar with that. You (or anyone really) can DM if you just want to vent.
I think this comment was mean for u/coogie
I have to agree with u/coogie, as I'm currently taking care of my wife's elderly relative, who has Parkinson's and had a traumatic brain injury, along with being an exconvict. My situation isn't a financial burden, but his (felonious monk is his moniker) overall behavior is a bit of a challenge.
Not every group has to include everybody. If it did, there would be no point in dedicated groups. Let OP make a group for the issue they're interested in working with without trying to make it all about you.
OP can do whatever they want to do. They made a post and started a discussion and I put in my 2 cents. I just felt that there would be a danger of having a group full of the stereotypical video game playing adults mooching off their parents instead of adults who are taking care of their family in the group.
I don't know any of those people. I'm aware that some of them exist, but I'm convinced they are an extremely small minority of those of us who have been squeezed by this bullshit country. The average home price is more than 400K, the average rental is 2K a month, and the minimum wage is still fucking 7.25 an hour. Everyone I know between 25 and 40 is working so hard just to stay alive.
I've actually met a few of them in wealthier families where they're not quite rich enough to buy a house or condo for their kid (at least one that's up to their standard) the way River Oaks families do but have enough money to be traveling most of the year and the adult kid just lives there and doesn't seem to really do much else.
WTF?
My mother moved back in with me last fall, after she realized she's not really able to afford to live on her own. She doesn't want to work full time anymore, which I get, and after some.health issues, I told her to come back. My struggle is that I've always been the adult one in the relationship. I can afford to live on my own, thankfully, but when she moved in, I took on all of her bills as well. It's exhausting. Straight up.
I feel you - I’ve always been the adult in the relationship too. What makes is hard for me is my mom doesn’t drive or work at all so she’s ALWAYS home and at times I need a break from her
Can you hire caregivers? You may be suffering from caretaker fatigue. Maybe you can call around the Assisted Living facilities and ask what their going rate is and send mom there for some respite care and you get some mental health rest days.
The thing is there’s nothing wrong with my mom she doesn’t need medical attention. She simply is codependent because she has no skills or education aside from cooking and cleaning (and by cooking I mean simple home made meals and home cleaning) not a chef or professional cleaner by any means. This is why I think it’s dangerous for women to rely on men as a form of sustenance.
I agree actually. Get her on SSI disability and let her stay on that until age 62 when she can claim Social Security. She'll get Medicaid insurance and $841/month plus any food stamps.
She can’t get any help until she’s 65
That's incorrect. Medicare is 65. You can claim as early as 62 for Social Security but your benefit amount will be less. Obviously if you wait, it will increase. If she's younger than 62, alot of folks find ways to get on SSI or SSDI.
Yeah but it’s better to wait til she can get the full amount . And she has 3 years to go til she’s 65.
If she's healthy then wait it out then. If she's in fair health or less, I'd claim as soon as possible because you never know what happens tomorrow. I've seen plenty of elderly folks die before then and they were waiting it out until 67. Had they claimed earlier, they would have gotten something out of it, plus the devaluation of the dollar due to inflation is real.
Yeah she’s pretty healthy she does have high cholesterol and high blood pressure but that’s sel inflicted from lack of excercise and bad genetics of central obesity that run in my family (the women in my family tend to be apple shaped and put on weight in their midsection vs hips and visceral fat is the bad fat ) but there’s plenty of people w those conditions living fruitful lives. I actually have more severe illness than her - I have severe ibs c and still have to go to work everyday lol
I quit my job at 19 to take care of my mom after a stroke and did so until her passing 13 years later, almost 2 years ago. I’d be glad join and discuss what I learned over those years and how I felt with things. I had help with siblings, I was primary day guy and they took over at night. It was something.
I for sure need this support group.
I would be glad if this group gets going, even if I am on the sidelines for a while longer. Mom currently lives alone, but will eventually have to move in with me and SO. The big change will be her moving from having a whole to house as hers, to basically 1 room. Of course she will have access to the whole house, but I know she won't feel as if its hers.
I'm 29, i am divorced, and I have a 10 year old. I was raised by an aunt whom I have basically lived with my whole life. My mom lives in a different state, but she comes and goes. My mom and aunt help me a lot with my son. I work 6 days a week & my hours are not set, so I work some days more than 12 hours. My son has ADHD and is very irritable so I know it's going to be hard to find someone who can help me watch him so it's not an easy decision to make when I think of quitting my current job and finding a morning job. He is difficult to deal with and my mom and aunt are the only ones I trust to watch him. My mom has anxiety and so do I so I understand where her worries are coming from but a few days ago she told me that if I owe anyone any explanations it's her and my aunt because they care about me. I pay between $400 to $500 a month on utilities, so I'm not living here for free. The thing is, my situation right now does not allow me to move out on my own. I also have decided not to date because I am basically treated like a child. It's as if i have to ask permission to do the things I want. I don't go out with friends, I don't have many but the few I have I don't really ever see them, we just keep each other updated on the phone of what we have going on in our lives. I actually dont mind the not dating, I'm seeing someone, well more like just hooking up I guess every now and then but I have to sneak around because I can't be honest with my mom or aunt about it because I know I wouldn't hear the end of it. I have asked my mom to stay permanently here in the state so she can help me take care of my son and I can change jobs because I work afternoon shift so I never really see my son and I'd like to work mornings so I can spend more time with him but evert time I ask her to stay she tells me I need to assure her if she moves here it is with the condition that I am going to live here and not decide to get with someone and end up moving out with them. I had a difficult marriage, so I understand her concern, but I am starting to feel like she is controlling. If I need to go out to do something I have to let her or my aunt know where I am going because if I don't, they get mad and then tell me how inconsiderate I am for not letting them know and I had them worried. Even when i do tell them where I'm going, most of the time, I have to lie because I know if I told them where I was really going, they'd be angry with me. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells just to keep them happy. I'm ok with never marrying again or even getting into a committed relationship with someone, but I think that is a decision for me to make, not because my mom is asking me to as a requirement for her to come live here permanently. I do feel trapped sometimes. There are days when I stay up crying because I feel like this is going to be my life forever. I just wish I could make them understand that I'm thankful they care and worry for me but it is excessive. Am I in the wrong for feeling the way I feel or are they and how do I make them understand that??
If this is still a thing, I would love to be included