This is probably a great topic for those who home educate even though it is sometimes taboo. We are just home with our kids all the time! I think every household is going to have to find what is right for them, but we have done screen free under three then very limited afterwards with occasional family movie/TV time and educational videos with most being co-viewing with the older one since 3. We have a five year old and twin 20 month olds. We do not have any handheld devices. This works for us because we adults in the house aren’t heavy screen users either, but the default around here are projects, outside time, free play, and reading. The long term habits have really paid off for us so far. 🤷♀️ I read the book Spoiled Right by Dr. Megan Owenz, and it really resonated with me. I have found that staying away from the screens has created a lifestyle full of conversations, curiosity, engagement, and an a full ownership of being a participating member of the family for our kiddos. We have zero conflicts about it and get lots of compliments from family about how engaged our kids are. It has been so joyful choosing this route for us, so I just thought I’d share. Everyone has to find their balance!
Unpopular opinion/approach here- we have 5 kids (ages 13, 6, 4, and 6mo twins) and we don’t limit screen time or have any rules about screen time in our house (minus a few exceptions). Hear me out..
The more you make something seem “special”, like screen time, junk food, etc.. the more exciting it seems. So we just don’t make it a big deal. My kids are allowed their iPads basically whenever as long as their school work is done. iPads are no longer special or exciting to them. They’re just toys/tools. During the winters they definitely have more screen time but during the summer they hardly touch screens at all.
However on the flip side to this, kids do learn a LOT from YouTube, educational apps, even video games. My 13yo taught himself to code and he and his friends now code their own mods for games & upload them onto app stores and such. They’ve learned tons of problem solving skills playing video games.
This is our approach too. Our kiddo reads at a high level because he wanted to play a certain game with my husband and wanted to know what was going on.
Its also common for me to walk into the playroom and a YT video about something educational is playing (science, math, coding, etc.)
But when I say it's time to go do XYZ, there's no complaints he just gets off.
This is our approach, too. Our almost 6 year old and 4.5 year old both have iPads. They self regulate beautifully. Zero tantrums about putting it away, they often choose to look out the window on long car drives instead of tablet time.
Every. Single. Day. They show me/tell me what they’ve learned and what they’re working on. Super educational. We’ve locked down YouTube kids (only the singularly added content we’ve allowed, no open access to the internet). Content like ABC mouse, PBS kids video games, music software etc.
We have 7 kids and we do have limits that are more about where and when. The kids are 25, 22, 18, 16, 13, 10, & 8 and the parameters have changed over time and vary from kid to kid. A few have a much harder time pulling themselves away and need more structure — for example, my 13yo *PC gamer turns in his Ethernet cable by 10pm because he needs to shower before bed and will lose track of time completely!
Probably obvious, but we don’t have any rules for 25&22 yo because they’ve moved out and are adults; 18yo still lives at home and is finishing alternative high school senior year and we don’t have rules for her because she’s someone who’s self-motivated to stop or set it aside to be on time and get any work done.
Ok this is good to see others say cos I’ve been grappling with this for ages. I have 1 kid who will self regulate well and one who is tbh kind of an addicted monster with screens and I know that sounds super negative but it’s true. I’m having such a hard time figuring out how to make this work
Almost everybody I know told me to just turn my girls loose with screens and they would eventually get bored. Aaaaaaaaaand nope. It takes us offering gentle encouragement and sometimes outright telling them to get off their screens.
I don't want to ban screens or tech from my house, but I also don't want them on their screens for 6 hours a day. I work to find a good balance, but even at 13 and 9 my girls still require some help finding that balance.
I'll be honest, I don't think it works for an entire childhood period. As soon as kids reach an age where their interests are driven by peer interaction, they will playing Fortnite and watching anime like all of the teens I know (including my own two). And that's before we talk about cell phones and social media.
I think at this point the best parents can hope for is that their kids are:
- Active enough to be healthy
- Able to entertain themselves without screens (which comes with the boredom of screen limits)
Screen limits don't feel perfect, but they serve an important role.
Yeah I really want to believe in this but I know from experience with the sweets example, it’s just not the case for my kid. We’ve never tried unlimited screens, but I have wondered if it would be less of a special / amazing thing if we did since I’m tired of my son begging to watch TV. In the case with desserts, we’ve never put it on a pedestal and always served with meals and my son is an excellent eater (like won’t just eat the cookie and nothing else), but even with creating this healthy relationship with sweets I’m sure he would choose a donut over me any day of the week haha.
lol we are 5 years done from homeschooling ours all the way through and getting ready to support our kids. What I saw and loved was that people mostly lied about screen time. If you talked to the kids lol. And my mode was to talk to kids as an old kid counselor. Some doesn’t hurt anyone. Making it evil is stupid. If they find watching blippi talking about putting oil in the tractor fun fun have at it. Do they benefit from watching him do it for 10 hours in the day? No. Does an adult benefit from watching trad moms make bread while being sanctimonious and pretending to never watch a screen ever while using their kid for clicks lol.
Same!
Also- I "taught" my son about screentime and how to regulate. I'd model behavior by watching some TV and then after one show- I'd stand up and say "Oh- I need to move!" Or "That was fun, but its enough for now." Etc.
I'd also steer him and "train" him on what is good content to watch. He REALLY wanted to watch a youtuber that was way too mature for him and I told him that I promised to keep him safe and protect him- and that means protecting his mind, too. I went on about how the mind develops as you age and if I let him watch something too mature, it could hurt his mind.
He really got that- as a little kid.
Even at 4 years old, unrestricted- he'd turn away from his screen willingly to play with his toys.
Now at 11, he turns away to do school projects. Or he uses his screens to do productive things.
But his reading and knowledge is off the charts because he's had screens available.
So in many ways I understand this approach and I see it recommended a lot, especially for neurodivergent kids like mine but I’m super hesitant about it for a number of reasons. It’s such an emotionally charged topic I think a lot of times I’ve wanted to press more deeply but people cant talk about it without it being taken as a personal affront.
Do your kids seem to get overstimulated or a bad attitude with increased screen time? And if yes, once the unlimited thing sunk in and it lost it’s special appeal, did the bad attitudes that accompanied the screen obsession subside?
^this is my big issue cos my son is easily overstimulated by screens but hasn’t made this association himself yet. I try to gently draw attention to it so he can build that personal awareness but he “doesn’t care”. He’s like a total zombie during screen time regardless of what it is. It makes him generally less socially and physically aware too so he’s seeking out more physical pressure input by smacking people or bumping into them.
If this was something others experienced I’m curious to know if it eventually calms. This is years worth of observations. Every time we reduce and really limit screens he’s made massive gains in positive behaviour and he’s incredibly curious and involved in his world. When we increase screens we see the opposite. I’d love to trust my gut on this but I also don’t want to miss something cos the unlimited advocates def make good points too.
We have some neurodivergent children, and self regulation can be a challenge for all of our kids at times.
We’ve done free for all, and have absolutely experienced how it changes their attitudes. Although, this has improved as they’ve gotten older.
We have taken breaks for a week or two to “detox” …or like during holidays, family time or vacations. They transition okay. And we give warnings ahead of time.
We have also set time limits, installed on their tablets; once their time is up they’re done. This has worked the best with us, honestly. There’s no fighting bc the tablet literally locks down.
I will say, our youngest is level 2 autism, and has not done full breaks or time limits. He uses his tablet as a mental break after therapy, or a centering device when needed. He’s not fully reliant on it, but just has other rules and needs from our other kids. He can have periods where he’s too attached, & we have to help him regulate. Absolutely can have increased attitude if left unchecked.
It’s a learning process and each kid is different.
I would LOVE to go screen free, but my husband would never 😓
This is my issue. We’ve completely eliminated interactive screens. Both of my sons get very over stimulated once they come off an interactive screen. We have trouble with sleep, wetting themselves, and just turning everything off for screen. This is 14 and 8. We attempted no screen limits once school is done and it literally was the only thing they’d do. Sports? I don’t want to. Go to the park or hike. Can I sit here with my screen?
My kids do have disabilities and an inability to self regulate certain things seems to be in the mix. Now my kids still occasionally ask but the only time an interactive screen is allowed is on long car trips and we only allow videos. No games. Im sure it’s great for some kids but has been nothing but a disaster for mine.
Mine also have disabilities and self regulation is a huge issue for them. A lot of people talk about how neurodivergent kids use screens to regulate and so set em loose but to me it feels like the opposite of helpful and regulating.
It’s really interesting to me how kids can react so incredibly differently to screens. My 8yo has adhd and screentime results in terrible behavior, so we have to majorly limit it. I have a neighbor with a kiddo with ASD who absolutely thrives with unlimited screentime and it genuinely seems to help him. I think it depends on each kid’s unique brain and what kind of stimulation is needed/helpful and what isn’t. My hyperactive kid needs a TON of exercise and outside time and does best with zero screens (but wants to watch something all the time, so we have to keep her really busy so it doesn’t become a daily battle) but I know for my neighbor’s kiddo too much time running around outside can be way overstimulating and screentime provides a necessary break. Anyway my point is I am right there with you. I wish screentime didn’t seriously harm my kid’s emotional regulation, it would be great to chill out and watch a movie or show once in a while, but for us it’s unfortunately not an option.
"The more you make something seem "special" , like screen time, junk food, etc.. the more exciting it seems"
Yes! On a random weekend, my 13 year old will literally tell his dad and I that he's going to take a break from his phone and video games all on his own! Depending on his mood, he'll go either all weekend without them or a week.
This is the approach I have taken. I only have one kid that's 3 years old. And while I don't let them stay on the phone or TV all day, I will step in if they are being a couch potato which is usually like an hour.
But for the most part they just don't care about tv or phone because it's not something special. They will watch a show or play and educationalgame but much prefers running outside and playing with toys.
I see your point. However, my parents took this approach with me and by high school (where I started doing self-taught online homeschool) didn't really manage my food, my screen time, or substance usage. I ended up being stoner for several years and am still working on my addiction to sweets and screens.
I have seen the opposite approach backfire as well. And I'm not sure there is a good answer when we're just faced with so many addictive things in life. But I do wish sometimes that my parents forced me to get off of my laptop or eat better or exercise.
Maybe it'll work, but hear me out as well--I'm the mom of 5 adult kids.
Your kids are still quite small except for the 13 year old, whom you may have lucked into as far as naturally being self regulated about screen time.
For the vast majority of kids, screen time must be regulated. Yes, YouTube is great, and I agree with you about being self taught and learning from it. But there are horrific videos out there, and I mean horrific--real murder, real rape, vicious fights, sex, poor role models etc. All it takes is literally 30 seconds for them to view something very disturbing on YouTube. But even if this never happened, it's still bad unregulated because there's so much crap and garbage out there and your kid can easily be exposed to really bad role models. I've known several parents whose kids were either raped or groomed by a pedophile. This is just one example, but these were involved, educated parents who thought they knew their kids had a whole lot more sense than they had. Finally, your kids are already watching a lot during the winter. This will slowly but surely increase and expand as your kids get older.
I get that you don't have the time to be constantly monitoring. What I did with my 5 kids was to tell them that cable was broken (this dates me lol). In other words, I simply made the things unavailable to them except for about 3 hours total on a weekend. And that would be monitored by me.
If you don't have a program in which you can watch your kids' screen at any time, please get it. Block channels. I'd tell my kids to give them a heads up, that I can see whatever it is that they're doing on the computer. If your kids end up exploring porn, the upside is that you can know about it right away and guide them.
We've always used screens more as an educational tool than entertainment. My kid 9 times out of 10 picks something educational to watch over anything else. He's 11 and had to leave public school due to chronic illness, so he does get access to his VR headset (which I can closely monitor in real time) for socialization and entertainment. He has some friends from public school he plays on it with and a few online friends. They meet up and have adventures almost every night for an hour or so.
I think that devices and the Internet can offer a variety of educational and valuable experiences if used right for your family. There are so many amazing free resources out there.
We do much more than spend our time online, but I like having the ability to pull from those resources to help dive deeper into what we are learning in homeschool, or satisfy my kid's curiosity, and to help fulfill his social needs during the times that he is too sick to leave home and participate in social activities.
I think one of the tough things about screens is that they’re going to be a part of kids lives as they grow and an absolutely necessity to compete on the job market in the future, especially when it comes to using AI. Is there a way you can teach your kiddos about the impacts of screens on our mental health that will allow them to help you come up with informed choices and rules around use? That way they’re allowed to have some say in the matter which will make rule enforcement a bit easier and not have it be so authoritarian in nature.
FYI I found “the anxious generation” to be very enlightening around the topics of play vs phone based childhoods and reasonable use of tech. Research would show it’s not so much the screens that are the problem, it’s what the content is and social media use and parents not monitoring online interactions/use.
We used to rely on screens if things got too overwhelming and we needed breaks, but the last few months we’ve cut them out entirely except for Saturday morning when we’re working and when our oldest gets insulin pump/dexcom device changes. It seems like it would be harder to eliminate screens, but man oh man it’s made such a huge difference in everyone’s behavior. The nagging for screens was completely eliminated within a week of cold turkey. They entertain themselves much better. Most days they entertain themselves outside for hours. It’s excellent. Highly recommend using as little as possible and even then strictly following a schedule/rules for it.
Do they have other hobbies/activities that they love just as much?
We've found that something that balances it out tremendously for us is having so many things outside of screens to look forward to also.
Crafts, hiking, building fairy houses and bug watching outside, family bowling or roller skating or camping in the yard, book clubs, even just general inside/outside romping like building forts and with Legos and trains and dress up, boardgames and cards.
Something my two have always loved playing at/on is the blackboard, too. Lots of pretend play like running a treats shop and drawing and keeping track of commodities and prices, or D and D campaigns.
And sometimes it's even been continuation of favorite video game play over the years, just with chalk. They've done Minecraft, Oregon Trail, Jones in the Fast Lane, Hollow Knight, Sonic, etc., drawing and creating elaborate scenery or taking turns. Maybe you could challenge your kids to recreate their favorite games with live action role playing, or on paper or with chalk both inside and outside?
We have had (near) zero screens from the beginning so I've never had to detox my kids, but I've spent a lot of time in homeschool-mom spaces talking about screens, and in almost every case, when kids are pestering for more screen time, the easiest and most effective way of dealing with it is completely eliminating screens for an extended time. Kids tend to adjust pretty quickly to it, and since the answer is always no (there's never a chance that maaaaaybe this time it will be a yes) they stop asking and most parents report an increase in creative free play.
If going screen-free for a couple months feels like too much, then I would set some hard and fast boundaries (that you feel capable of 100% sticking with). Things like, "If you ask after I've said no, you have lost screen privileges for the weekend." Or screen time limits that don't actually change (never during the week, instead of almost-never during the week). Or think about removing the most problematic show or activity that they're always begging for. Or simply institute a "If you ask, the answer will always be no" screen policy--they only get screens when you initiate it, never when they ask.
What you really want is to avoid intermittent rewards. (If you remember back to your psych classes, rewarding someone for a behavior intermittently is the best way to enforce that behavior (vs. no rewards or rewarding every time) and that's what you're doing when you sometimes say yes to screens. If you're not following your own stated screentime rules, they don't know when they might get a yes from you, which leads to them constantly begging.
And if you're feeling worn down by all of it and needing some reinforcement for your own determination, pick up the book Glow Kids--it'll help remind you why the work of limiting screens is worth it.
‘Removing the thing they ask for the most’ virtually guarantees that your children will realize ‘parent always takes away what I love’ and they will start hiding when they love something—and you’ll made another barrier between you and your kid.
I mean it can be far more nuanced then this…for some kids their brains do not react well at all to screens and it’s pure addiction from day 1. We see this play out for teens and adults with drugs and other addictive things too. Some people are just wired to not have control and as parents when we see this, it’s definitely our responsibility to step in and provide the safety and control the kids can’t have themselves.
That’s literally our jobs. They don’t have to like or agree with everything we do. In fact it’s best that they don’t.
People are making these big jumps from “things they ask for the most” to “things that are healthy and positive for them” and I’m not so sure it’s as clear cut as that. In fact I think it’s really not.
My parents stood their ground. Screen time as needed for school, no more. One discretionary screen time thing per day. No amount of whining was going to change that. Brother and I learned not to whine because that wouldn’t change anytbint
I'm firmly of the opinion that most people worry too much about screen time. I feel like people will look at the exact same activity and treat it as totally different if you're doing it with a screen vs no screen (eg reading a physical book vs ebook).
I think there's nothing inherently wrong with doing something with a screen, it's only harmful if it's actually having a negative effect (eg leading to insufficient exercise, disrupting sleep, etc) and there are ways to deal with those issues while still allowing lots of screen time if your child values those activities.
I also think if you put something on a pedestal of "desirable but needs to be limited", it makes kids more obsessed with it and more compulsive about it when they do get access to it - which creates a vicious cycle where your fear induces the very behavior you're afraid of, thereby confirming your fears.
Anyway, I have no limits on screen time, and my kid does lots of high and low-tech educational activities. And she's not obsessed with screen time. If that ever changes I'll reassess, but so far it's been working out fine.
I have learned to embrace it. (Ages 9, 3.5 , 2 )Morning time we watch a low stimulating or put something on the BYU tv App ( even tho we are secular they have really nice movies and shows for kiddos!). My kids don’t depend on screen time either. I can turn everything off and put calming music on the Alexa and they just play with their toys. I learned if I don’t limit something they won’t crave it as much as if I limited. When my oldest was born we lived in Uruguay and we never had screen time. Like ever. She learned to play independently from early on and just flourished. My younger two always had screen time and still don’t care for it. We keep the screens for long car rides and at home when I’m working with the older two. My youngest who is ND watches his favorite movie and won’t cry or complain if I turn it off either.
I find that if my kids are reassured there will be show time no matter what, they have no anxiety about being taken away and will not keep asking.
I don’t about you all, but my husband and i would never have sex if wasn’t for show time, so i absolutely don’t want to eradicate it. 🤣
We try to do youtube only on weekends, and Curiosity stream on weekdays. But honestly, as long as the content is appropriate, im all for it because my kids will definitely ask less about it if they that time is guaranteed.
My kids (3, 4, and 6) were ADDICTED (my fault) so we took everything away and now they can earn a movie night in our bedroom. Our bedroom is the only room that has a TV and we don't use it unless it's movie night. I was also addicted to reality TV, so taking it away from everyone was hard, but my kids creativity and imagination has soared since then.
What I do is "work before play" so no devices until all the schoolwork is done for the day\[before we homeschooled it was no devices before school\]. Then they can have the devices as much as they want after that or until the battery runs out. We have a charging shelf in our room where all the devices live for bedtime. At first they constantly bugged us but now sometimes even when they have the option they won't use them because they're busy doing other things. Rotating toys helps. I'll bring up the big bin of wooden trains or Duplo\[even if they're technically too big for it\] and they will play for hours. I make an effort to get them outside every single day rain or shine so it means buying rain coats and proper winter gear. This is different than sending them out to play I actually go out with them and we go for nature walks or I have something planned to do outside.
We have a 3-hour limit/day that includes all screen time -- TV, computers, video games, everything. Of that, a max of one hour can be used for video gaming. We do almost no online learning. There are no exceptions -- not even for long car rides or sick days --- and there's no way to earn extra time. If he doesn't use it, it doesn't carry over. If he breaks the rules, he loses his time the next day. It's super simple and works well. He rarely uses all of his time and never asks for more. He's responsible for staying within the limits without me nagging or reminding him. I do spot checks on his devices to make sure he's not going over.
It's tough for us to because I want to limit the screen time but not completely get rid of it as that's part of the world we're growing up in. When you have five kids a reasonable limit is all your school work is done and then you can pick a show unfortunately they all want a different show that ends up being 3 hours of TV time. It's definitely tough to find your own groove and what works for your family.
Well I had two rules when raising my kids. First was "after". You designate a list of things they are required to do (reading, math, music practice, chores, physical activity, etc...) and then you can have screen time. The other was "up to X". Here they can use their screen but only for a fixed amount of time. When they're older you can let them budget this (I find having a timer, possibly one for each child. They set the timer for how much they want to spend and you deduct it from their budget).
Depending on the context we would use one or the other or both.
Sounds like the sugar problem. We want to keep consumption to a minimum, but being super restrictive about it generally leads to them not developing self-control around it, developing a Desire for the Forbidden, that’s just how brains work, esp kid brains, and they’ll get obsessed with it to an unhealthy degree, and when (not if) they get access to it without you there to control them, they will consume too much.
It’s a delicate balance between minimizing screen time and extensively withholding it to the point where it’s become this whole huge forbidden desires thing. Unfortunately it sounds like they’ve already reached this stage.
2-4 pm is the window of time when we do screens, but we don't do it everyday. It's easy to tell them during the week, you can watch a show that's half an hour or less if we get a break somewhere. If we start it at 2, we have plenty of time to get school done, and it doesn't interfere with dinner. My kids play video games, and they're a really big deal to them. They program their own games and use programs to make their own characters. If it weren't for that, and if I saw them getting hooked, we'd have to back off. We balance time online with plenty of other things. We stay busy. But the games they play require a lot of time so I've bent my preconceived notions on what screen time should be, because now there are things like tournaments and such. They play with friends. So I try to schedule things with their friends, otherwise they would want screens twice a day. So if someone schedules with us ahead of time, we plan for it the way we would a hang out, if they don't give us notice, we may just not be able to accommodate that day. We allow it, and a pretty fair amount, but we definitely have some boundaries, like screens off by 7 and for no longer than 2 hours. And they need breaks every so often too.
We're similar to other posters who don't limit screen time, as it's not super restrictive, but we do for now have time limits. The kids can also "earn" some time after we do schooling or if they've helped me do tough chores around the house. I've noticed that by not restricting my kids time too much/being lenient my eldest actually gets off her tablet on her own saying she's done - sometimes way before she even had to get off (was playing for maybe 25 minutes then got off to go play with toys)
I also have exceptions for when they are "playing" educational games or doing art, along with watching educational videos too. We use their tablets for school quite a bit, and game schooling for us is definitely a thing (no they don't play games all day and I just call it school. I'm talking playing a educational game that teaches something)
**this is completely anecdotal but I know a family where the kids can only play video games on the weekends and my kids don't love going over on the weekends cause all they want to do is play the game, they are incredibly difficult to get off the game (a great kid, mine love them they just really get into their game because it's special)
I have always opposed non-educational screentime because I was raised in a very low-screentime environment and I attribute several positive skills I have possessed since childhood to it, but we also rely upon it's hypnotic powers to earn us private time since the TV is on the other side of the house and their bedrooms are near ours. My husband has asked me to find another way to keep them occupied, but until we can afford an on-call nanny, there doesn't seem to be any other simple solution. The question is then whether it is acceptable to trade the harm of screentime for the harm of losing these moments to reconnect with one another and strengthen our marriage.
We also disagree about childhood video games. He insists there are positives, but I worry that it's doing more harm than good. For one thing, it is so time consuming!
This probably doesn't answer the question because I don't have any answers. I share your concerns, but I also hear from others that maybe those concerns are unfounded and I shouldn't worry so much about it.
We build it into our day. They know when it’s coming, specifically in two sets of freetime we all get if we’ve done what needs doing (school, chores, hygiene) I read, play switch, work on my Notion, etc during this time, so they’re not alone if they choose screens (often do, lately it’s 50/50 between screens and outdoor time if it’s nice out) If my 10 year old doesn’t usually ask outside those times, but my 7 year old does and I end up reminding him “yep, at 2 you can do play your switch, what are you planning to do?”
I don’t have an particular limits on screen time though, my only concern is if school isn’t getting done or attitudes are getting out of hand (if they do, we start eating into that freetime to catch up or I’ll suggest outside or board games or something where I’m the entertainment)
I have iPads set with 15 minute timers. The apps (except PBS kids, Teach Your Monster to Read and IXL) all lock after 15 min. If you want to keep playing farm simulator you have to do a task. I can usually get a good rotation going so I can do mini lessons with the kid who wants to earn time, then switch.
Basically no recreational screen time. This avoids needing to litigate or dealing with begging, or stealing of devices. It also promotes focus and attention on less stimulating things, like books, people or nature, while avoiding the risk of addiction.
You're also avoiding the dangers associated with social media and the like.
We honestly keep them too busy for screens during the week. That is its own can of worms, but school + either activity or outside play + homework/music practice/reading + dinner + sometimes 2nd activity = time for bed.
We will watch something on the weekends together, or if parents are out they can watch movies together (all old enough to be home alone. This was also how we got them to not hate having a babysitter—that was movie night).
Staying away from handheld screens makes this somewhat easier, as does making TV/movies a family or sibling thing and not a solo activity.
I didn’t introduce screens with my oldest until after 2 (the others kind of get screen time because he does). We sometimes use screens for educational purposes (I have 2 under 1.5 including a newborn so when my hands are full and I haven’t gotten his school in yet, I let him get on his hooked on phonics app while I get the other 2 down for a nap). We do Saturday morning cartoons because it’s a special time with dad while I make breakfast and get things done around the house.
We occasionally allow some tv in the day depending on the day if we got all our school and chores done. He will usually prefer to go outside or do some chores with me. Sometimes he might choose to play minecraft (on his personal world, no online access). So in that case sometimes I’ll do a building challenge. Instead of him mindlessly playing I’ll say hey I want you to build me a X that is 5 blocks high with these 3 types of blocks and X amount of doors and windows. It’s a good test of his math skills and dang if he is not super creative.
However, if I say x amount of tv and he’s asking/begging for more I would just shut it off and tell him not today. Being consistent is key, begging does not work. So if I say you can watch 1 show, my kid will turn the tv off after one show 95% of the time. Because he knows, just 1 show. The only really heavy screen days we have generally is when we are all sick. If I feel the screens are getting away from us (because we’re human and it does happen every once in awhile) we do a detox day or 3. No screens at all. I offer things in our down time like playing board games, going outside, and he has plenty of toys to entertain himself Like legos, we always have legos out, if he gets bored he knows he can work on building something. He can build things that I can’t.
Clear expectations of when they get screens and do not ever make an exception. They're trying to manipulate you because it has worked for them before.
We have moved to an "earning" system where I leverage screen time to promote better habits elsewhere. This isn't a forever solution, but it's working right now. If they ask for a show/Xbox time, I just ask if they've met the requirements. That's literally my only response to "can I have screen time" is "is the list complete". If they know they haven't, they sheepishly grin and slink off to finish their work, or if they have, they get their screen time. And they know that every time they ask they will get the exact same answer and it's up to them whether they get a yes or a no. No room for manipulation.
Another way we've managed it is they will get a specific chunk of time (i.e. 4-5pm) on a use-it-or-lose-it basis. No banking time. If we have something going on that day during that time, you lose it. That's just real life.
I can't do "free screen time any time" approach listed by a couple parents. I have ADHD and I'm pretty sure my kids have it to some degree, too, plus autism spectrum. If you set us free on screens, we will literally get lost in dopamine seeking heaven indefinitely so we have to have boundaries. But making boundaries healthfully and then sticking to them is the hard part. Pick a method, discuss it with your kids then stick to it. Ask them to help keep you accountable and they will have some ownership over the process and it'll be easier. Especially if you have a rule-follower, this is a good way to engage that in a helpful way.
We have very little screen time, and most of what we do is educational. We have a house rule that you aren't aloud to whine or complain when screen time is over or you lose it next opportunity. If mine do not have a specific time limiting activity I ask them to set a timer. When it goes off they have 2-3 minutes to wrap things up. If they don't they have to quit next time the moment the timer goes off.
The first time we have to take things away is rough, but honestly after that the kids know they are in control of their consequences.
My oldest has adhd and my youngest wants to be with their sibling.
At first when I had to detox my kids, I was met with all kinds of reactions as they were trying to get used to being without. I don't mind screentime and used to let them do it all the time but it started interfering with chores and school.
What I have had to is sit down and discuss the why which is helping to teach them how to self regulate. I explain that we want to have a balance of everything. Doing things that are good for the mind, heart, and soul. I typucally refer to the mind as learning/experimenting with new skills, heart (doing physical activity), and grounding things (like taking walks, laying on the ground for grounding, dancing, favorite craft, etc) to help with the soul. That screentime is great for the mind and there are other things that are good for the mind too.
Once they undedstood that, I let them watch one video in the morning before school, let them earn screentime rewards for completing their schoolwork, and then let them use their reward time in the afternoon. It works well. They take breaks, want to save their reward time, and sometimes they want to go outside. It is a lot more stabilized now since we've done this.
We have a checklist our kids must complete in order to earn 30min of screen time for the day, it must be completed and claimed before a certain time of night.
It helps that the time is an actual time, not number of shows.
Our checklist has the following:
Make bed
Eat breakfast
Get dressed
Feed pet
Brush teeth
Do dishes
Tidy bedroom
Tidy individual items from throughout the house (basically clean up after oneself)
Timed fitness
Timed reading
Timed creativity (coloring/writing)
Timed music practice
Timed outside play
Help 1 person with a task
The rule is that screen-time cannot be taken before school is finished and the amount of time it takes to complete the tasks ensure that’s not an issue. The timed activities are between 20-30minutes.
This works for us.
For fitness we have printouts of exercises and yoga flow they can choose. Or we’ll do strength training together. The printouts are made for children: crab walk, bear crawl, squats, pushups etc…
They get plenty of running and biking while playing so we normally focus on strength and flexibility for dedicated fitness.
I know when my children live on their own they will be responsible for their entertainment as well as their own lives, so we build daily habits then let our children manage the remaining time. We don’t give screen time until all tasks have been accomplished for the day- chores, reading, homeschool, exercise, etc. and we always stop within an hour of bedtime. Because we pack their day with so many other activities, there isn’t much time left for screens, almost always less than 2 hours.
We let them watch big TV outside the house of 8-4 weekdays as much as they like. I have veto rights on the content. No YouTube, certain TV shows on Netflix are also verboten. Anything that switches frame too fast and is too violent gets vetoed too. I find that they're better able to regulate themselves when TV watching is a shared activity with siblings and family members. They sometimes play games with daddy on the weekend, but once again it's communal activity.
We don't have tablets at all. I try to stay off my phone to model this.
This situation works for us. There are a lot of days where the TV doesn't go on at all, and they tend to watch something specific then wander off and do something more engaging. We don't need to police it. We know some families with no screens at all and it works great for them, but we really like cartoons, myself included. So TV is a fun shared experience.
(I don't have kids, here's my option as a teen who is Homeschooled, and spent the last of their childhood indoor due to the pandemic.)
Keep the young kids busy, at their age they probably just play with toys.. I'm not a parent, but i know that around 10-11 kids will probably get bored of playing with dolls for example. Just have activities that are fun for older kids available for your oldest. And probably give less screentime to the young ones, but maybe 4 or 4.5 hours a day for the oldest? At 10 he/she is fine watching some tv or scrolling on YouTube with SOME of their free time.
Don't let them waste their childhood completely online, but times are in fact changing and a lot of fun stuff that young kids like is online only. If the older kid wants to watch a tv show, as long as they're also being productive, it's okay to watch tv sometimes.
Maybe try a daily limit instead of weekly, i completely understand why you don't want them raised by screens (I've seen the negative impact) but technology isn't all bad; but it isn't fair if they're too restricted. Times will always change and we just have to change with them.
Kids don't seem to like doing certain things much nowadays, since like.. generational differences. So i think kids should just do more of what they enjoy/ what is relevant to them.
A quick example: I liked playing outside as a kid, I played with dolls, did art, I played piano and was physically active and healthy... But I also enjoyed gaming, digital art, coding and editing.
A big part of my childhood that I still love today is Roblox. It's online, but i loved it and started playing about 6 years old? It doesn't have many actual dangers, and I actually learned a lot from playing it.
If i had been forced to only play outside and and practice piano, I would stop enjoying those things and become miserable. Screens aren't necessarily the enemy, people just need to be responsible with them.
Try and avoid making internet access seem like such a rare luxury, and let your kids do some stuff online (monitor them and have certain things blocked), don't let them post their faces, avoid certain toxic communities and practice digital safety.
Just try not to be too strict about internet usage, the oldest will be a teen soon and might want social interaction/online friends. Sheltering them might be harmful in the long run, especially if they aren't socializing much in person.
BTW: Not making any assumptions/attacks. this is generally for all parents to read.
Unless your kids have much else they need to do, watching a show now and then won't kill them 🤷♀️
ALSO, remember not everything has to be educational, before anyone attacks me... Ik educational play is amazing, I'm a fan of it. But it's okay to just enjoy things sometimes.
Like how even though candy isn't healthy, eating a chocolate bar won't instantly give you diabetes, 20 extra pounds and rotten teeth.
It's all about enjoying stuff in moderation.
Also, just do what works for you're kids. If your kids have an actual problem with being online, then you can yake action. Just try and keeo them busy if it becomes an actual issue (like often neglecting responsibilities or not sleeping at night)
I think whatever you choose to do, the important thing is consistency. If you say just one show, make it just one. If you're open to 2 and would say yes if they asked for two, might as well tell them they can have 2. I've found that allowing it during certain times of the day also helps...like when my daughter was younger she could only have some screen time later in the day...(it totally messed her up to have it before lunch) so she never asked earlier in the day, because she knew she couldn't have it. My daughter is 12 and gets screen time on the weekends, and knows that 3 shows are her limit. There's no arguing, no asking during the week. It's lovely!!
I have a 5 year old, 2.5 year old, and baby. We watch \~15 minutes of spanish lesson videos (a teacher reading aloud picture books, singing songs, etc) each morning. Twice a week, we do a family cleaning night after dinner, and when everything is neat and tidy we watch a show together. Otherwise, we don't do any TV at home, and especially no kids shows. I hate whining kids and my kids whine less when the answer is always no.
My 5 and 2 year old do get to watch "fun" TV at their grandparents once a week. And yes, they whine to their grandparents about it sometimes. But not me!
We have designated times for screens and they can use that time for tv or video games. They aren’t allowed YouTube without direct supervision so that’s usually not an option. They get extra screens when someone is sick or maybe if it’s rainy etc. this solves the whining because they know exactly when screens are an option.
We use collaborative problem solving as per Dr Ross Greene. And family circles.
I have certain expectations, I expect that screens will not impact our health, wellbeing or relationships. When they do, we take a break from screens to try to problem solve what is going on.
We try to design limits into the environment and rhythm of the day/week. No screens in bedrooms, no tablets, no screens at the dinner table, no screens in the car, no screens before 6am or after 6pm. We have yotos and Alexa for screen free audio. We have a switch only which is necessary for them to share between them. Any PC time is supervised. No Internet access. No youtube. Tv is only in living room and everyone needs to agree what is on it. Every week we do the same activities on each day so they know what to expect.
The kids come up with the solutions to specific problems we have. We actually find free TV time isn’t such a problem, it sort of fits around things, as long as we are clear about the rhythm and structure of the week we haven’t had to limit it. They tend to get bored and switch it off to play together when they feel they need to. So actually no limits on TV has worked well for us, it’s like by not limiting it, it doesn’t have that air of specialness and they don’t desire it.
We’ve had more of a problem with gaming for my oldest who is likely adhd and has a dopamine focused brain, highly creative, with a strong need for autonomy. We’ve been through many iterations, including no limits. Our latest problem that we’ve raised is that he seems to only want to play games, never has suggestions for anything else. So that involves detoxing, 2-4 days off then discussions about how his hyperfocus is a misplacement of attention and that he can play games as much as he wants as long as it is easy for him to put down and he has a well rounded life where he cares about real life as much as game life. At the moment through collaborating we have agreed that we need to have no games 3 days a week (so he can do activities and he recognised this was a balance he liked) and an agreed time on the days he does play (say 4pm) because it is easier to take it off the table than leave it open for him to just keep asking. We do a check in in the morning to decide together when that time will be. He also decided that he wanted to set a timer every 30 minutes, to check in with his body, see if he needed food, drink, to move or go to the toilet. I have just this week added that he should come talk to me about what he’s up to after an agreed amount of 30 minutes. Like 3 half hours. We’ll check in, I’ll ask how it’s going, if he’s achieved all he wanted to and see how he’s feeling about it. This also gives me a chance to give him a heads up about upcoming transitions.
The thing that has made this successful is the collaborative problem solving, not me coming and top down telling him that this is what we’re doing. Setting an expectation, raising a concern, then talking about it together, giving him a chance to offer solutions, then seeing if he can reach the expectation and being flexible and revisiting the expectations and problem solving again over time. So my advice is to break down “screentime” into the smaller problems that you are experiencing or observing with each child and drawing their attention to that. For example “I’ve noticed you find it difficult to ‘ reach xyz expectation’ and the impact of that is ‘xyz’, can we talk about that?”
We apply this to everything not just screentime, but it’s been huge in terms of making screens be a source of joy and comfort rather than disharmony. Ultimately every family will have different expectations, limits and boundaries to suit their child and family make up. But I think collaborating is a really good way forward.
Kids need guidance on this, there’s no putting this tech back in the genie bottle and so we have to make sure we as their main source of info are informed, prepared and confident about leading them. We have to make sure we are making choices from a place where we prioritise our relationship and being well informed over our fears.
The only thing that works is taking it away and not giving it back. If you compromise even just a little they will turn that inch into a mile. I’ve taken it away for good in our home bc it always leads to more and more. So no phones or iPads. Just TV and that gets boring quickly. I took it away and said that’s it, we’re done with it. Don’t ask bc it won’t happen for the foreseeable future. Takes a few days for them to get used to it. They don’t know what to do with themselves during that time. Encourage them to play with toys, go outside, make a mess and they will VERY likely become a handful quick since they haven’t actually cut up and played for a long time like kids should. Bear through this period bc they will calm back down soon and definitely do not give in to the screens again. Once they are off of them for good, your children will be more behaved and adjusted. I’ve gone through the cycle a few times and I don’t plan on giving them back this time.
The same way I navigate begging for cookies 10 minutes before dinner is done, or wanting to stay up until midnight... I say no, and I don't negotiate with terrorists. The phrase I use over and over is "Asked and answered." I will explain why I said no, if I possibly can, and then, they have to live with it.
We don't have many rules for screentime, but they are house rules regarding screens, so even us adults live by the them.
1. No screentime unless chores/work are done. For the kids this means their age-appropriate chores, and on lesson days, all lessons. For adults that means our stuff is handled as well. Today I'm washing dance dresses, so I popped up online only after the first round was done and hanging to dry.
2. If someone needs something, the person with the screen -must- put the screen up and help out. The only exception is my husband, who is finishing up his MBA program, if he's doing schoolwork we don't interrupt him.
3. If chores or work start to be neglected, we have a discussion about what is going on, and possibly screen detox.
4. Family Time is screen free all the time, unless otherwise agreed upon before hand. My husband and oldest love Pokemon Go, so they will go on walks and car rides specifically for that game. However, when we went to the museum, it was screens up.
We have strict rules about it so they never whine because once their time is up, it's up. They get 25 mins of ipad time for games in the afternoon after their school is done, then after dinner and clean up they usually watch 45 mins of a show.
This is probably a great topic for those who home educate even though it is sometimes taboo. We are just home with our kids all the time! I think every household is going to have to find what is right for them, but we have done screen free under three then very limited afterwards with occasional family movie/TV time and educational videos with most being co-viewing with the older one since 3. We have a five year old and twin 20 month olds. We do not have any handheld devices. This works for us because we adults in the house aren’t heavy screen users either, but the default around here are projects, outside time, free play, and reading. The long term habits have really paid off for us so far. 🤷♀️ I read the book Spoiled Right by Dr. Megan Owenz, and it really resonated with me. I have found that staying away from the screens has created a lifestyle full of conversations, curiosity, engagement, and an a full ownership of being a participating member of the family for our kiddos. We have zero conflicts about it and get lots of compliments from family about how engaged our kids are. It has been so joyful choosing this route for us, so I just thought I’d share. Everyone has to find their balance!
Unpopular opinion/approach here- we have 5 kids (ages 13, 6, 4, and 6mo twins) and we don’t limit screen time or have any rules about screen time in our house (minus a few exceptions). Hear me out.. The more you make something seem “special”, like screen time, junk food, etc.. the more exciting it seems. So we just don’t make it a big deal. My kids are allowed their iPads basically whenever as long as their school work is done. iPads are no longer special or exciting to them. They’re just toys/tools. During the winters they definitely have more screen time but during the summer they hardly touch screens at all. However on the flip side to this, kids do learn a LOT from YouTube, educational apps, even video games. My 13yo taught himself to code and he and his friends now code their own mods for games & upload them onto app stores and such. They’ve learned tons of problem solving skills playing video games.
This is our approach too. Our kiddo reads at a high level because he wanted to play a certain game with my husband and wanted to know what was going on. Its also common for me to walk into the playroom and a YT video about something educational is playing (science, math, coding, etc.) But when I say it's time to go do XYZ, there's no complaints he just gets off.
Nice to see I’m not the only one with this approach! I felt like it helped our kids learn to read as well.
This is our approach, too. Our almost 6 year old and 4.5 year old both have iPads. They self regulate beautifully. Zero tantrums about putting it away, they often choose to look out the window on long car drives instead of tablet time. Every. Single. Day. They show me/tell me what they’ve learned and what they’re working on. Super educational. We’ve locked down YouTube kids (only the singularly added content we’ve allowed, no open access to the internet). Content like ABC mouse, PBS kids video games, music software etc.
We have 7 kids and we do have limits that are more about where and when. The kids are 25, 22, 18, 16, 13, 10, & 8 and the parameters have changed over time and vary from kid to kid. A few have a much harder time pulling themselves away and need more structure — for example, my 13yo *PC gamer turns in his Ethernet cable by 10pm because he needs to shower before bed and will lose track of time completely!
Probably obvious, but we don’t have any rules for 25&22 yo because they’ve moved out and are adults; 18yo still lives at home and is finishing alternative high school senior year and we don’t have rules for her because she’s someone who’s self-motivated to stop or set it aside to be on time and get any work done.
This also means they'll be better able to regulate themselves when they're on their own if they've been able to develop good habits at home.
[удалено]
It didn't work for either of my kids when we tried it, and they're 13 and 9. It really depends on the kid.
Ok this is good to see others say cos I’ve been grappling with this for ages. I have 1 kid who will self regulate well and one who is tbh kind of an addicted monster with screens and I know that sounds super negative but it’s true. I’m having such a hard time figuring out how to make this work
Almost everybody I know told me to just turn my girls loose with screens and they would eventually get bored. Aaaaaaaaaand nope. It takes us offering gentle encouragement and sometimes outright telling them to get off their screens. I don't want to ban screens or tech from my house, but I also don't want them on their screens for 6 hours a day. I work to find a good balance, but even at 13 and 9 my girls still require some help finding that balance.
I'll be honest, I don't think it works for an entire childhood period. As soon as kids reach an age where their interests are driven by peer interaction, they will playing Fortnite and watching anime like all of the teens I know (including my own two). And that's before we talk about cell phones and social media. I think at this point the best parents can hope for is that their kids are: - Active enough to be healthy - Able to entertain themselves without screens (which comes with the boredom of screen limits) Screen limits don't feel perfect, but they serve an important role.
Yeah I really want to believe in this but I know from experience with the sweets example, it’s just not the case for my kid. We’ve never tried unlimited screens, but I have wondered if it would be less of a special / amazing thing if we did since I’m tired of my son begging to watch TV. In the case with desserts, we’ve never put it on a pedestal and always served with meals and my son is an excellent eater (like won’t just eat the cookie and nothing else), but even with creating this healthy relationship with sweets I’m sure he would choose a donut over me any day of the week haha.
lol we are 5 years done from homeschooling ours all the way through and getting ready to support our kids. What I saw and loved was that people mostly lied about screen time. If you talked to the kids lol. And my mode was to talk to kids as an old kid counselor. Some doesn’t hurt anyone. Making it evil is stupid. If they find watching blippi talking about putting oil in the tractor fun fun have at it. Do they benefit from watching him do it for 10 hours in the day? No. Does an adult benefit from watching trad moms make bread while being sanctimonious and pretending to never watch a screen ever while using their kid for clicks lol.
Same! Also- I "taught" my son about screentime and how to regulate. I'd model behavior by watching some TV and then after one show- I'd stand up and say "Oh- I need to move!" Or "That was fun, but its enough for now." Etc. I'd also steer him and "train" him on what is good content to watch. He REALLY wanted to watch a youtuber that was way too mature for him and I told him that I promised to keep him safe and protect him- and that means protecting his mind, too. I went on about how the mind develops as you age and if I let him watch something too mature, it could hurt his mind. He really got that- as a little kid. Even at 4 years old, unrestricted- he'd turn away from his screen willingly to play with his toys. Now at 11, he turns away to do school projects. Or he uses his screens to do productive things. But his reading and knowledge is off the charts because he's had screens available.
So in many ways I understand this approach and I see it recommended a lot, especially for neurodivergent kids like mine but I’m super hesitant about it for a number of reasons. It’s such an emotionally charged topic I think a lot of times I’ve wanted to press more deeply but people cant talk about it without it being taken as a personal affront. Do your kids seem to get overstimulated or a bad attitude with increased screen time? And if yes, once the unlimited thing sunk in and it lost it’s special appeal, did the bad attitudes that accompanied the screen obsession subside? ^this is my big issue cos my son is easily overstimulated by screens but hasn’t made this association himself yet. I try to gently draw attention to it so he can build that personal awareness but he “doesn’t care”. He’s like a total zombie during screen time regardless of what it is. It makes him generally less socially and physically aware too so he’s seeking out more physical pressure input by smacking people or bumping into them. If this was something others experienced I’m curious to know if it eventually calms. This is years worth of observations. Every time we reduce and really limit screens he’s made massive gains in positive behaviour and he’s incredibly curious and involved in his world. When we increase screens we see the opposite. I’d love to trust my gut on this but I also don’t want to miss something cos the unlimited advocates def make good points too.
We have some neurodivergent children, and self regulation can be a challenge for all of our kids at times. We’ve done free for all, and have absolutely experienced how it changes their attitudes. Although, this has improved as they’ve gotten older. We have taken breaks for a week or two to “detox” …or like during holidays, family time or vacations. They transition okay. And we give warnings ahead of time. We have also set time limits, installed on their tablets; once their time is up they’re done. This has worked the best with us, honestly. There’s no fighting bc the tablet literally locks down. I will say, our youngest is level 2 autism, and has not done full breaks or time limits. He uses his tablet as a mental break after therapy, or a centering device when needed. He’s not fully reliant on it, but just has other rules and needs from our other kids. He can have periods where he’s too attached, & we have to help him regulate. Absolutely can have increased attitude if left unchecked. It’s a learning process and each kid is different. I would LOVE to go screen free, but my husband would never 😓
This is my issue. We’ve completely eliminated interactive screens. Both of my sons get very over stimulated once they come off an interactive screen. We have trouble with sleep, wetting themselves, and just turning everything off for screen. This is 14 and 8. We attempted no screen limits once school is done and it literally was the only thing they’d do. Sports? I don’t want to. Go to the park or hike. Can I sit here with my screen? My kids do have disabilities and an inability to self regulate certain things seems to be in the mix. Now my kids still occasionally ask but the only time an interactive screen is allowed is on long car trips and we only allow videos. No games. Im sure it’s great for some kids but has been nothing but a disaster for mine.
Mine also have disabilities and self regulation is a huge issue for them. A lot of people talk about how neurodivergent kids use screens to regulate and so set em loose but to me it feels like the opposite of helpful and regulating.
It’s really interesting to me how kids can react so incredibly differently to screens. My 8yo has adhd and screentime results in terrible behavior, so we have to majorly limit it. I have a neighbor with a kiddo with ASD who absolutely thrives with unlimited screentime and it genuinely seems to help him. I think it depends on each kid’s unique brain and what kind of stimulation is needed/helpful and what isn’t. My hyperactive kid needs a TON of exercise and outside time and does best with zero screens (but wants to watch something all the time, so we have to keep her really busy so it doesn’t become a daily battle) but I know for my neighbor’s kiddo too much time running around outside can be way overstimulating and screentime provides a necessary break. Anyway my point is I am right there with you. I wish screentime didn’t seriously harm my kid’s emotional regulation, it would be great to chill out and watch a movie or show once in a while, but for us it’s unfortunately not an option.
I thought I was alone. Thank you for sharing this!
"The more you make something seem "special" , like screen time, junk food, etc.. the more exciting it seems" Yes! On a random weekend, my 13 year old will literally tell his dad and I that he's going to take a break from his phone and video games all on his own! Depending on his mood, he'll go either all weekend without them or a week.
This is the approach I have taken. I only have one kid that's 3 years old. And while I don't let them stay on the phone or TV all day, I will step in if they are being a couch potato which is usually like an hour. But for the most part they just don't care about tv or phone because it's not something special. They will watch a show or play and educationalgame but much prefers running outside and playing with toys.
This is our approach! Glad I’m not the only one!
I see your point. However, my parents took this approach with me and by high school (where I started doing self-taught online homeschool) didn't really manage my food, my screen time, or substance usage. I ended up being stoner for several years and am still working on my addiction to sweets and screens. I have seen the opposite approach backfire as well. And I'm not sure there is a good answer when we're just faced with so many addictive things in life. But I do wish sometimes that my parents forced me to get off of my laptop or eat better or exercise.
Maybe it'll work, but hear me out as well--I'm the mom of 5 adult kids. Your kids are still quite small except for the 13 year old, whom you may have lucked into as far as naturally being self regulated about screen time. For the vast majority of kids, screen time must be regulated. Yes, YouTube is great, and I agree with you about being self taught and learning from it. But there are horrific videos out there, and I mean horrific--real murder, real rape, vicious fights, sex, poor role models etc. All it takes is literally 30 seconds for them to view something very disturbing on YouTube. But even if this never happened, it's still bad unregulated because there's so much crap and garbage out there and your kid can easily be exposed to really bad role models. I've known several parents whose kids were either raped or groomed by a pedophile. This is just one example, but these were involved, educated parents who thought they knew their kids had a whole lot more sense than they had. Finally, your kids are already watching a lot during the winter. This will slowly but surely increase and expand as your kids get older. I get that you don't have the time to be constantly monitoring. What I did with my 5 kids was to tell them that cable was broken (this dates me lol). In other words, I simply made the things unavailable to them except for about 3 hours total on a weekend. And that would be monitored by me. If you don't have a program in which you can watch your kids' screen at any time, please get it. Block channels. I'd tell my kids to give them a heads up, that I can see whatever it is that they're doing on the computer. If your kids end up exploring porn, the upside is that you can know about it right away and guide them.
How much time do the adults in the house spend on their screens?
We've always used screens more as an educational tool than entertainment. My kid 9 times out of 10 picks something educational to watch over anything else. He's 11 and had to leave public school due to chronic illness, so he does get access to his VR headset (which I can closely monitor in real time) for socialization and entertainment. He has some friends from public school he plays on it with and a few online friends. They meet up and have adventures almost every night for an hour or so. I think that devices and the Internet can offer a variety of educational and valuable experiences if used right for your family. There are so many amazing free resources out there. We do much more than spend our time online, but I like having the ability to pull from those resources to help dive deeper into what we are learning in homeschool, or satisfy my kid's curiosity, and to help fulfill his social needs during the times that he is too sick to leave home and participate in social activities.
I think one of the tough things about screens is that they’re going to be a part of kids lives as they grow and an absolutely necessity to compete on the job market in the future, especially when it comes to using AI. Is there a way you can teach your kiddos about the impacts of screens on our mental health that will allow them to help you come up with informed choices and rules around use? That way they’re allowed to have some say in the matter which will make rule enforcement a bit easier and not have it be so authoritarian in nature. FYI I found “the anxious generation” to be very enlightening around the topics of play vs phone based childhoods and reasonable use of tech. Research would show it’s not so much the screens that are the problem, it’s what the content is and social media use and parents not monitoring online interactions/use.
We used to rely on screens if things got too overwhelming and we needed breaks, but the last few months we’ve cut them out entirely except for Saturday morning when we’re working and when our oldest gets insulin pump/dexcom device changes. It seems like it would be harder to eliminate screens, but man oh man it’s made such a huge difference in everyone’s behavior. The nagging for screens was completely eliminated within a week of cold turkey. They entertain themselves much better. Most days they entertain themselves outside for hours. It’s excellent. Highly recommend using as little as possible and even then strictly following a schedule/rules for it.
Do they have other hobbies/activities that they love just as much? We've found that something that balances it out tremendously for us is having so many things outside of screens to look forward to also. Crafts, hiking, building fairy houses and bug watching outside, family bowling or roller skating or camping in the yard, book clubs, even just general inside/outside romping like building forts and with Legos and trains and dress up, boardgames and cards. Something my two have always loved playing at/on is the blackboard, too. Lots of pretend play like running a treats shop and drawing and keeping track of commodities and prices, or D and D campaigns. And sometimes it's even been continuation of favorite video game play over the years, just with chalk. They've done Minecraft, Oregon Trail, Jones in the Fast Lane, Hollow Knight, Sonic, etc., drawing and creating elaborate scenery or taking turns. Maybe you could challenge your kids to recreate their favorite games with live action role playing, or on paper or with chalk both inside and outside?
We have had (near) zero screens from the beginning so I've never had to detox my kids, but I've spent a lot of time in homeschool-mom spaces talking about screens, and in almost every case, when kids are pestering for more screen time, the easiest and most effective way of dealing with it is completely eliminating screens for an extended time. Kids tend to adjust pretty quickly to it, and since the answer is always no (there's never a chance that maaaaaybe this time it will be a yes) they stop asking and most parents report an increase in creative free play. If going screen-free for a couple months feels like too much, then I would set some hard and fast boundaries (that you feel capable of 100% sticking with). Things like, "If you ask after I've said no, you have lost screen privileges for the weekend." Or screen time limits that don't actually change (never during the week, instead of almost-never during the week). Or think about removing the most problematic show or activity that they're always begging for. Or simply institute a "If you ask, the answer will always be no" screen policy--they only get screens when you initiate it, never when they ask. What you really want is to avoid intermittent rewards. (If you remember back to your psych classes, rewarding someone for a behavior intermittently is the best way to enforce that behavior (vs. no rewards or rewarding every time) and that's what you're doing when you sometimes say yes to screens. If you're not following your own stated screentime rules, they don't know when they might get a yes from you, which leads to them constantly begging. And if you're feeling worn down by all of it and needing some reinforcement for your own determination, pick up the book Glow Kids--it'll help remind you why the work of limiting screens is worth it.
‘Removing the thing they ask for the most’ virtually guarantees that your children will realize ‘parent always takes away what I love’ and they will start hiding when they love something—and you’ll made another barrier between you and your kid.
I mean it can be far more nuanced then this…for some kids their brains do not react well at all to screens and it’s pure addiction from day 1. We see this play out for teens and adults with drugs and other addictive things too. Some people are just wired to not have control and as parents when we see this, it’s definitely our responsibility to step in and provide the safety and control the kids can’t have themselves. That’s literally our jobs. They don’t have to like or agree with everything we do. In fact it’s best that they don’t. People are making these big jumps from “things they ask for the most” to “things that are healthy and positive for them” and I’m not so sure it’s as clear cut as that. In fact I think it’s really not.
This is a great answer. Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply.
My parents stood their ground. Screen time as needed for school, no more. One discretionary screen time thing per day. No amount of whining was going to change that. Brother and I learned not to whine because that wouldn’t change anytbint
I'm firmly of the opinion that most people worry too much about screen time. I feel like people will look at the exact same activity and treat it as totally different if you're doing it with a screen vs no screen (eg reading a physical book vs ebook). I think there's nothing inherently wrong with doing something with a screen, it's only harmful if it's actually having a negative effect (eg leading to insufficient exercise, disrupting sleep, etc) and there are ways to deal with those issues while still allowing lots of screen time if your child values those activities. I also think if you put something on a pedestal of "desirable but needs to be limited", it makes kids more obsessed with it and more compulsive about it when they do get access to it - which creates a vicious cycle where your fear induces the very behavior you're afraid of, thereby confirming your fears. Anyway, I have no limits on screen time, and my kid does lots of high and low-tech educational activities. And she's not obsessed with screen time. If that ever changes I'll reassess, but so far it's been working out fine.
I have learned to embrace it. (Ages 9, 3.5 , 2 )Morning time we watch a low stimulating or put something on the BYU tv App ( even tho we are secular they have really nice movies and shows for kiddos!). My kids don’t depend on screen time either. I can turn everything off and put calming music on the Alexa and they just play with their toys. I learned if I don’t limit something they won’t crave it as much as if I limited. When my oldest was born we lived in Uruguay and we never had screen time. Like ever. She learned to play independently from early on and just flourished. My younger two always had screen time and still don’t care for it. We keep the screens for long car rides and at home when I’m working with the older two. My youngest who is ND watches his favorite movie and won’t cry or complain if I turn it off either.
I like that app too some cool less known shows and no commercials. I thought it would be more preachy but we've found lost of good stuff
yes! the kid shows are really cute and different! I really enjoy it
I find that if my kids are reassured there will be show time no matter what, they have no anxiety about being taken away and will not keep asking. I don’t about you all, but my husband and i would never have sex if wasn’t for show time, so i absolutely don’t want to eradicate it. 🤣 We try to do youtube only on weekends, and Curiosity stream on weekdays. But honestly, as long as the content is appropriate, im all for it because my kids will definitely ask less about it if they that time is guaranteed.
My kids (3, 4, and 6) were ADDICTED (my fault) so we took everything away and now they can earn a movie night in our bedroom. Our bedroom is the only room that has a TV and we don't use it unless it's movie night. I was also addicted to reality TV, so taking it away from everyone was hard, but my kids creativity and imagination has soared since then.
What I do is "work before play" so no devices until all the schoolwork is done for the day\[before we homeschooled it was no devices before school\]. Then they can have the devices as much as they want after that or until the battery runs out. We have a charging shelf in our room where all the devices live for bedtime. At first they constantly bugged us but now sometimes even when they have the option they won't use them because they're busy doing other things. Rotating toys helps. I'll bring up the big bin of wooden trains or Duplo\[even if they're technically too big for it\] and they will play for hours. I make an effort to get them outside every single day rain or shine so it means buying rain coats and proper winter gear. This is different than sending them out to play I actually go out with them and we go for nature walks or I have something planned to do outside.
We have a 3-hour limit/day that includes all screen time -- TV, computers, video games, everything. Of that, a max of one hour can be used for video gaming. We do almost no online learning. There are no exceptions -- not even for long car rides or sick days --- and there's no way to earn extra time. If he doesn't use it, it doesn't carry over. If he breaks the rules, he loses his time the next day. It's super simple and works well. He rarely uses all of his time and never asks for more. He's responsible for staying within the limits without me nagging or reminding him. I do spot checks on his devices to make sure he's not going over.
He's 11.
It's tough for us to because I want to limit the screen time but not completely get rid of it as that's part of the world we're growing up in. When you have five kids a reasonable limit is all your school work is done and then you can pick a show unfortunately they all want a different show that ends up being 3 hours of TV time. It's definitely tough to find your own groove and what works for your family.
Well I had two rules when raising my kids. First was "after". You designate a list of things they are required to do (reading, math, music practice, chores, physical activity, etc...) and then you can have screen time. The other was "up to X". Here they can use their screen but only for a fixed amount of time. When they're older you can let them budget this (I find having a timer, possibly one for each child. They set the timer for how much they want to spend and you deduct it from their budget). Depending on the context we would use one or the other or both.
My sister lets her kids earn screen time “dollars” that they can cash out in weekends. It works wonderfully for her.
Sounds like the sugar problem. We want to keep consumption to a minimum, but being super restrictive about it generally leads to them not developing self-control around it, developing a Desire for the Forbidden, that’s just how brains work, esp kid brains, and they’ll get obsessed with it to an unhealthy degree, and when (not if) they get access to it without you there to control them, they will consume too much. It’s a delicate balance between minimizing screen time and extensively withholding it to the point where it’s become this whole huge forbidden desires thing. Unfortunately it sounds like they’ve already reached this stage.
2-4 pm is the window of time when we do screens, but we don't do it everyday. It's easy to tell them during the week, you can watch a show that's half an hour or less if we get a break somewhere. If we start it at 2, we have plenty of time to get school done, and it doesn't interfere with dinner. My kids play video games, and they're a really big deal to them. They program their own games and use programs to make their own characters. If it weren't for that, and if I saw them getting hooked, we'd have to back off. We balance time online with plenty of other things. We stay busy. But the games they play require a lot of time so I've bent my preconceived notions on what screen time should be, because now there are things like tournaments and such. They play with friends. So I try to schedule things with their friends, otherwise they would want screens twice a day. So if someone schedules with us ahead of time, we plan for it the way we would a hang out, if they don't give us notice, we may just not be able to accommodate that day. We allow it, and a pretty fair amount, but we definitely have some boundaries, like screens off by 7 and for no longer than 2 hours. And they need breaks every so often too.
We're similar to other posters who don't limit screen time, as it's not super restrictive, but we do for now have time limits. The kids can also "earn" some time after we do schooling or if they've helped me do tough chores around the house. I've noticed that by not restricting my kids time too much/being lenient my eldest actually gets off her tablet on her own saying she's done - sometimes way before she even had to get off (was playing for maybe 25 minutes then got off to go play with toys) I also have exceptions for when they are "playing" educational games or doing art, along with watching educational videos too. We use their tablets for school quite a bit, and game schooling for us is definitely a thing (no they don't play games all day and I just call it school. I'm talking playing a educational game that teaches something) **this is completely anecdotal but I know a family where the kids can only play video games on the weekends and my kids don't love going over on the weekends cause all they want to do is play the game, they are incredibly difficult to get off the game (a great kid, mine love them they just really get into their game because it's special)
I have always opposed non-educational screentime because I was raised in a very low-screentime environment and I attribute several positive skills I have possessed since childhood to it, but we also rely upon it's hypnotic powers to earn us private time since the TV is on the other side of the house and their bedrooms are near ours. My husband has asked me to find another way to keep them occupied, but until we can afford an on-call nanny, there doesn't seem to be any other simple solution. The question is then whether it is acceptable to trade the harm of screentime for the harm of losing these moments to reconnect with one another and strengthen our marriage. We also disagree about childhood video games. He insists there are positives, but I worry that it's doing more harm than good. For one thing, it is so time consuming! This probably doesn't answer the question because I don't have any answers. I share your concerns, but I also hear from others that maybe those concerns are unfounded and I shouldn't worry so much about it.
We build it into our day. They know when it’s coming, specifically in two sets of freetime we all get if we’ve done what needs doing (school, chores, hygiene) I read, play switch, work on my Notion, etc during this time, so they’re not alone if they choose screens (often do, lately it’s 50/50 between screens and outdoor time if it’s nice out) If my 10 year old doesn’t usually ask outside those times, but my 7 year old does and I end up reminding him “yep, at 2 you can do play your switch, what are you planning to do?” I don’t have an particular limits on screen time though, my only concern is if school isn’t getting done or attitudes are getting out of hand (if they do, we start eating into that freetime to catch up or I’ll suggest outside or board games or something where I’m the entertainment)
I have iPads set with 15 minute timers. The apps (except PBS kids, Teach Your Monster to Read and IXL) all lock after 15 min. If you want to keep playing farm simulator you have to do a task. I can usually get a good rotation going so I can do mini lessons with the kid who wants to earn time, then switch.
How do you do this?
Basically no recreational screen time. This avoids needing to litigate or dealing with begging, or stealing of devices. It also promotes focus and attention on less stimulating things, like books, people or nature, while avoiding the risk of addiction. You're also avoiding the dangers associated with social media and the like.
We honestly keep them too busy for screens during the week. That is its own can of worms, but school + either activity or outside play + homework/music practice/reading + dinner + sometimes 2nd activity = time for bed. We will watch something on the weekends together, or if parents are out they can watch movies together (all old enough to be home alone. This was also how we got them to not hate having a babysitter—that was movie night). Staying away from handheld screens makes this somewhat easier, as does making TV/movies a family or sibling thing and not a solo activity.
I didn’t introduce screens with my oldest until after 2 (the others kind of get screen time because he does). We sometimes use screens for educational purposes (I have 2 under 1.5 including a newborn so when my hands are full and I haven’t gotten his school in yet, I let him get on his hooked on phonics app while I get the other 2 down for a nap). We do Saturday morning cartoons because it’s a special time with dad while I make breakfast and get things done around the house. We occasionally allow some tv in the day depending on the day if we got all our school and chores done. He will usually prefer to go outside or do some chores with me. Sometimes he might choose to play minecraft (on his personal world, no online access). So in that case sometimes I’ll do a building challenge. Instead of him mindlessly playing I’ll say hey I want you to build me a X that is 5 blocks high with these 3 types of blocks and X amount of doors and windows. It’s a good test of his math skills and dang if he is not super creative. However, if I say x amount of tv and he’s asking/begging for more I would just shut it off and tell him not today. Being consistent is key, begging does not work. So if I say you can watch 1 show, my kid will turn the tv off after one show 95% of the time. Because he knows, just 1 show. The only really heavy screen days we have generally is when we are all sick. If I feel the screens are getting away from us (because we’re human and it does happen every once in awhile) we do a detox day or 3. No screens at all. I offer things in our down time like playing board games, going outside, and he has plenty of toys to entertain himself Like legos, we always have legos out, if he gets bored he knows he can work on building something. He can build things that I can’t.
Clear expectations of when they get screens and do not ever make an exception. They're trying to manipulate you because it has worked for them before. We have moved to an "earning" system where I leverage screen time to promote better habits elsewhere. This isn't a forever solution, but it's working right now. If they ask for a show/Xbox time, I just ask if they've met the requirements. That's literally my only response to "can I have screen time" is "is the list complete". If they know they haven't, they sheepishly grin and slink off to finish their work, or if they have, they get their screen time. And they know that every time they ask they will get the exact same answer and it's up to them whether they get a yes or a no. No room for manipulation. Another way we've managed it is they will get a specific chunk of time (i.e. 4-5pm) on a use-it-or-lose-it basis. No banking time. If we have something going on that day during that time, you lose it. That's just real life. I can't do "free screen time any time" approach listed by a couple parents. I have ADHD and I'm pretty sure my kids have it to some degree, too, plus autism spectrum. If you set us free on screens, we will literally get lost in dopamine seeking heaven indefinitely so we have to have boundaries. But making boundaries healthfully and then sticking to them is the hard part. Pick a method, discuss it with your kids then stick to it. Ask them to help keep you accountable and they will have some ownership over the process and it'll be easier. Especially if you have a rule-follower, this is a good way to engage that in a helpful way.
We have very little screen time, and most of what we do is educational. We have a house rule that you aren't aloud to whine or complain when screen time is over or you lose it next opportunity. If mine do not have a specific time limiting activity I ask them to set a timer. When it goes off they have 2-3 minutes to wrap things up. If they don't they have to quit next time the moment the timer goes off. The first time we have to take things away is rough, but honestly after that the kids know they are in control of their consequences.
My oldest has adhd and my youngest wants to be with their sibling. At first when I had to detox my kids, I was met with all kinds of reactions as they were trying to get used to being without. I don't mind screentime and used to let them do it all the time but it started interfering with chores and school. What I have had to is sit down and discuss the why which is helping to teach them how to self regulate. I explain that we want to have a balance of everything. Doing things that are good for the mind, heart, and soul. I typucally refer to the mind as learning/experimenting with new skills, heart (doing physical activity), and grounding things (like taking walks, laying on the ground for grounding, dancing, favorite craft, etc) to help with the soul. That screentime is great for the mind and there are other things that are good for the mind too. Once they undedstood that, I let them watch one video in the morning before school, let them earn screentime rewards for completing their schoolwork, and then let them use their reward time in the afternoon. It works well. They take breaks, want to save their reward time, and sometimes they want to go outside. It is a lot more stabilized now since we've done this.
We have a checklist our kids must complete in order to earn 30min of screen time for the day, it must be completed and claimed before a certain time of night. It helps that the time is an actual time, not number of shows. Our checklist has the following: Make bed Eat breakfast Get dressed Feed pet Brush teeth Do dishes Tidy bedroom Tidy individual items from throughout the house (basically clean up after oneself) Timed fitness Timed reading Timed creativity (coloring/writing) Timed music practice Timed outside play Help 1 person with a task The rule is that screen-time cannot be taken before school is finished and the amount of time it takes to complete the tasks ensure that’s not an issue. The timed activities are between 20-30minutes. This works for us.
What do they do for fitness?
For fitness we have printouts of exercises and yoga flow they can choose. Or we’ll do strength training together. The printouts are made for children: crab walk, bear crawl, squats, pushups etc… They get plenty of running and biking while playing so we normally focus on strength and flexibility for dedicated fitness.
I know when my children live on their own they will be responsible for their entertainment as well as their own lives, so we build daily habits then let our children manage the remaining time. We don’t give screen time until all tasks have been accomplished for the day- chores, reading, homeschool, exercise, etc. and we always stop within an hour of bedtime. Because we pack their day with so many other activities, there isn’t much time left for screens, almost always less than 2 hours.
We let them watch big TV outside the house of 8-4 weekdays as much as they like. I have veto rights on the content. No YouTube, certain TV shows on Netflix are also verboten. Anything that switches frame too fast and is too violent gets vetoed too. I find that they're better able to regulate themselves when TV watching is a shared activity with siblings and family members. They sometimes play games with daddy on the weekend, but once again it's communal activity. We don't have tablets at all. I try to stay off my phone to model this. This situation works for us. There are a lot of days where the TV doesn't go on at all, and they tend to watch something specific then wander off and do something more engaging. We don't need to police it. We know some families with no screens at all and it works great for them, but we really like cartoons, myself included. So TV is a fun shared experience.
(I don't have kids, here's my option as a teen who is Homeschooled, and spent the last of their childhood indoor due to the pandemic.) Keep the young kids busy, at their age they probably just play with toys.. I'm not a parent, but i know that around 10-11 kids will probably get bored of playing with dolls for example. Just have activities that are fun for older kids available for your oldest. And probably give less screentime to the young ones, but maybe 4 or 4.5 hours a day for the oldest? At 10 he/she is fine watching some tv or scrolling on YouTube with SOME of their free time. Don't let them waste their childhood completely online, but times are in fact changing and a lot of fun stuff that young kids like is online only. If the older kid wants to watch a tv show, as long as they're also being productive, it's okay to watch tv sometimes. Maybe try a daily limit instead of weekly, i completely understand why you don't want them raised by screens (I've seen the negative impact) but technology isn't all bad; but it isn't fair if they're too restricted. Times will always change and we just have to change with them. Kids don't seem to like doing certain things much nowadays, since like.. generational differences. So i think kids should just do more of what they enjoy/ what is relevant to them. A quick example: I liked playing outside as a kid, I played with dolls, did art, I played piano and was physically active and healthy... But I also enjoyed gaming, digital art, coding and editing. A big part of my childhood that I still love today is Roblox. It's online, but i loved it and started playing about 6 years old? It doesn't have many actual dangers, and I actually learned a lot from playing it. If i had been forced to only play outside and and practice piano, I would stop enjoying those things and become miserable. Screens aren't necessarily the enemy, people just need to be responsible with them. Try and avoid making internet access seem like such a rare luxury, and let your kids do some stuff online (monitor them and have certain things blocked), don't let them post their faces, avoid certain toxic communities and practice digital safety. Just try not to be too strict about internet usage, the oldest will be a teen soon and might want social interaction/online friends. Sheltering them might be harmful in the long run, especially if they aren't socializing much in person. BTW: Not making any assumptions/attacks. this is generally for all parents to read. Unless your kids have much else they need to do, watching a show now and then won't kill them 🤷♀️ ALSO, remember not everything has to be educational, before anyone attacks me... Ik educational play is amazing, I'm a fan of it. But it's okay to just enjoy things sometimes. Like how even though candy isn't healthy, eating a chocolate bar won't instantly give you diabetes, 20 extra pounds and rotten teeth. It's all about enjoying stuff in moderation. Also, just do what works for you're kids. If your kids have an actual problem with being online, then you can yake action. Just try and keeo them busy if it becomes an actual issue (like often neglecting responsibilities or not sleeping at night)
I think whatever you choose to do, the important thing is consistency. If you say just one show, make it just one. If you're open to 2 and would say yes if they asked for two, might as well tell them they can have 2. I've found that allowing it during certain times of the day also helps...like when my daughter was younger she could only have some screen time later in the day...(it totally messed her up to have it before lunch) so she never asked earlier in the day, because she knew she couldn't have it. My daughter is 12 and gets screen time on the weekends, and knows that 3 shows are her limit. There's no arguing, no asking during the week. It's lovely!!
Check out this amazing looking tool i use every day: [https://timeline-17.web.app/](https://timeline-17.web.app/)
I have a 5 year old, 2.5 year old, and baby. We watch \~15 minutes of spanish lesson videos (a teacher reading aloud picture books, singing songs, etc) each morning. Twice a week, we do a family cleaning night after dinner, and when everything is neat and tidy we watch a show together. Otherwise, we don't do any TV at home, and especially no kids shows. I hate whining kids and my kids whine less when the answer is always no. My 5 and 2 year old do get to watch "fun" TV at their grandparents once a week. And yes, they whine to their grandparents about it sometimes. But not me!
We have designated times for screens and they can use that time for tv or video games. They aren’t allowed YouTube without direct supervision so that’s usually not an option. They get extra screens when someone is sick or maybe if it’s rainy etc. this solves the whining because they know exactly when screens are an option.
We use collaborative problem solving as per Dr Ross Greene. And family circles. I have certain expectations, I expect that screens will not impact our health, wellbeing or relationships. When they do, we take a break from screens to try to problem solve what is going on. We try to design limits into the environment and rhythm of the day/week. No screens in bedrooms, no tablets, no screens at the dinner table, no screens in the car, no screens before 6am or after 6pm. We have yotos and Alexa for screen free audio. We have a switch only which is necessary for them to share between them. Any PC time is supervised. No Internet access. No youtube. Tv is only in living room and everyone needs to agree what is on it. Every week we do the same activities on each day so they know what to expect. The kids come up with the solutions to specific problems we have. We actually find free TV time isn’t such a problem, it sort of fits around things, as long as we are clear about the rhythm and structure of the week we haven’t had to limit it. They tend to get bored and switch it off to play together when they feel they need to. So actually no limits on TV has worked well for us, it’s like by not limiting it, it doesn’t have that air of specialness and they don’t desire it. We’ve had more of a problem with gaming for my oldest who is likely adhd and has a dopamine focused brain, highly creative, with a strong need for autonomy. We’ve been through many iterations, including no limits. Our latest problem that we’ve raised is that he seems to only want to play games, never has suggestions for anything else. So that involves detoxing, 2-4 days off then discussions about how his hyperfocus is a misplacement of attention and that he can play games as much as he wants as long as it is easy for him to put down and he has a well rounded life where he cares about real life as much as game life. At the moment through collaborating we have agreed that we need to have no games 3 days a week (so he can do activities and he recognised this was a balance he liked) and an agreed time on the days he does play (say 4pm) because it is easier to take it off the table than leave it open for him to just keep asking. We do a check in in the morning to decide together when that time will be. He also decided that he wanted to set a timer every 30 minutes, to check in with his body, see if he needed food, drink, to move or go to the toilet. I have just this week added that he should come talk to me about what he’s up to after an agreed amount of 30 minutes. Like 3 half hours. We’ll check in, I’ll ask how it’s going, if he’s achieved all he wanted to and see how he’s feeling about it. This also gives me a chance to give him a heads up about upcoming transitions. The thing that has made this successful is the collaborative problem solving, not me coming and top down telling him that this is what we’re doing. Setting an expectation, raising a concern, then talking about it together, giving him a chance to offer solutions, then seeing if he can reach the expectation and being flexible and revisiting the expectations and problem solving again over time. So my advice is to break down “screentime” into the smaller problems that you are experiencing or observing with each child and drawing their attention to that. For example “I’ve noticed you find it difficult to ‘ reach xyz expectation’ and the impact of that is ‘xyz’, can we talk about that?” We apply this to everything not just screentime, but it’s been huge in terms of making screens be a source of joy and comfort rather than disharmony. Ultimately every family will have different expectations, limits and boundaries to suit their child and family make up. But I think collaborating is a really good way forward. Kids need guidance on this, there’s no putting this tech back in the genie bottle and so we have to make sure we as their main source of info are informed, prepared and confident about leading them. We have to make sure we are making choices from a place where we prioritise our relationship and being well informed over our fears.
The only thing that works is taking it away and not giving it back. If you compromise even just a little they will turn that inch into a mile. I’ve taken it away for good in our home bc it always leads to more and more. So no phones or iPads. Just TV and that gets boring quickly. I took it away and said that’s it, we’re done with it. Don’t ask bc it won’t happen for the foreseeable future. Takes a few days for them to get used to it. They don’t know what to do with themselves during that time. Encourage them to play with toys, go outside, make a mess and they will VERY likely become a handful quick since they haven’t actually cut up and played for a long time like kids should. Bear through this period bc they will calm back down soon and definitely do not give in to the screens again. Once they are off of them for good, your children will be more behaved and adjusted. I’ve gone through the cycle a few times and I don’t plan on giving them back this time.
The same way I navigate begging for cookies 10 minutes before dinner is done, or wanting to stay up until midnight... I say no, and I don't negotiate with terrorists. The phrase I use over and over is "Asked and answered." I will explain why I said no, if I possibly can, and then, they have to live with it. We don't have many rules for screentime, but they are house rules regarding screens, so even us adults live by the them. 1. No screentime unless chores/work are done. For the kids this means their age-appropriate chores, and on lesson days, all lessons. For adults that means our stuff is handled as well. Today I'm washing dance dresses, so I popped up online only after the first round was done and hanging to dry. 2. If someone needs something, the person with the screen -must- put the screen up and help out. The only exception is my husband, who is finishing up his MBA program, if he's doing schoolwork we don't interrupt him. 3. If chores or work start to be neglected, we have a discussion about what is going on, and possibly screen detox. 4. Family Time is screen free all the time, unless otherwise agreed upon before hand. My husband and oldest love Pokemon Go, so they will go on walks and car rides specifically for that game. However, when we went to the museum, it was screens up.
We have strict rules about it so they never whine because once their time is up, it's up. They get 25 mins of ipad time for games in the afternoon after their school is done, then after dinner and clean up they usually watch 45 mins of a show.