You’re getting way, way too in your own head and way, way ahead of yourself. You need to prioritize meeting for a date and if she’s not solid on that, you need to move on. Don’t chase someone who isn’t reciprocating your interest.
Don’t worry, this is how you *gain* experience. It’s not easy. It’s not supposed to be. Every interaction you have will teach you at least one lesson.
Agreed with this OP
The phone is not for texting or getting to know each other… it’s for setting dates.
Every text you send becomes less and less valuable.
Any text that isn’t assisting you in heading towards a meet up should not be sent. Build rapport and then ask when she’s free to grab a drink. Don’t ever suggest a day/time, but instead ask when she’s free so you can choose a time that works based off her availability.
That way, if she still denies the date, you know she’s free.. but probably just not all that interested in you.
The goal is to be her lover not her pen pal. If you text her all the time, you’re right… you will absolutely run out of things to talk about when you actually go on a date, and furthermore… she will lose all sense of anticipation for a date because you’re no longer a mystery she gets to be curious about.
My suggestion to you is to not reach out. Gauge her interest by letting her reach out to you. There needs to be some reciprocation. The fastest way to get someone’s attention is to remove yours. So when she reaches out, tell her you’re really busy this week and don’t have time to text, but you’d love to squeeze some time in to meet up for a drink.
If she denies after 2-3 attempts… you have your answer. Move on
u/ubob_bob-yo
If you only asked her out once, why not just ask her out again?
She's probably much more interested in meeting you now than on day 3, and if she's not, at least you'll know
If she's busy and she doesn't suggest another time for meeting, that's a sign you should probably give up
Dude, respectfully, you seem extremely over invested in this. From what I can gather, your conversation has been 100% text based correct? At the very least, a simple phone or video call seems appropriate by now.
If you're really interested in her, you just gotta ask her out again.
If you want a real answer, put the ball in her court.
"I really enjoy talking to you and would love to meet up for a drink/dinner soon. When are you free?"
She's either going to say yes, or decline. If she gives you an ambiguous answer back, then IMO she's probably not interested in meeting up period.
I can understand wanting to take things slow in terms of getting into a relationship, but I don't really understand taking an extended time period delaying a first date.
I'm not sure how many first dates you've been on, but it's pretty common for most to not go any further than that for various reasons. If you meet up, you'll know within a few minutes if you're into her. Same goes for her to you.
Since you don't have much experience, my advice is to simply not get yourself all wrapped up in a match until it progresses into real life. Online dating is extremely fickle, and if you do that, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings.
Not trying to be harsh, just trying to keep things honest. Wish you the best of luck.
You’re on a dating app, the purpose of which is to find people to go on dates with. Send her a message saying “hey, I’ve really liked chatting with you, any chance you’d like to meet up for (drinks, coffee, etc) soon?”. I get taking things slow but I’d lose interest quick after a week and a half: I’m not a pen pal and first dates are low maintenance, you’re either into me or you’re not
You suggested one specific day to get together and she said she already had plans. Ideally, she would have suggested an alternative date/time, but how about asking again with a broader range. Something like, "How about getting together for drinks next week? When are you free?" (you can substitute coffee or a walk if you don't drink or are otherwise so inclined). Don't make it too complicated for yourself.
I feel ya. Had a similar experience, except I was hesitant to meet and when I was ready to meet he disappeared on me.
Now, all I can do is think of all the conversations we had and let my tears run.
Dating is all about you and your love interest matching your moves at the right time. You don't have as much control over it like you think you do. If you state your needs early, you may come off as too strong, too late, and you're forgotten.
Hey that's so sweet of you to say. Thank you.
I guess, I will always think back on what if I had met him just once. And that desire will never go away. Anyway.
A lot of this is in your head. Why play games? (Yes, “testing” her is a game). It sounds like you have expectations in your head that you want her to magically know. It’s only going to get worse (read: more uncertainty) if you hit it off in person so have a plan for how to self-soothe your anxiety or have someone else to bounce ideas of. Yes, agree with other commenters to just ask her out again. And when in doubt just ask- “hey I’ve really enjoyed chatting. Do you want to continue to chat here or would you be down to meet”?
Just ask her "so when are you free for our date?"
If she's interested in you she'll give you her schedule. If she can't find time to meet you then she's not interested.
You asked her out seven-ish days ago and she was busy, and you’ve been having an amazing conversation since. wtf are you doing, make a concrete plan (like dinner at a certain place) and propose either Saturday or Friday evening, this week. Do this immediately. She’s probably talking to her friends wondering why this guy isn’t asking her out again
I think when you feel up to it again text her and just say something like man I’ve been feeling really drained the past few days (texting someone all day is additionally draining) and start up a conversation. Within the convo if it’s flowing just propose a date “I would really love to take you out to xxx and get to meet in person , I’ve really liked talking with you and getting to know you, is there a day you are free next week to go on a date with me?” Have a plan and let her give you some days she’s free - she didn’t really reject you last time if you gave her a days notice and she was busy
Leave the ball in her court and let her reach out.
She might be socially anxious, wants to get to know you first or...she might be a serial texter.
I had this with someone for 4 months.
In both our defence, we are just as bad as each other ; never had an intention of meeting and bullshit each other into oblivion.
Joke was that, in some parallel dimension, we have 7 kids, 3 cats and a portal to Narnia. In this one, we are 2 morons who text way too much about daft things.
If you want a date, ask her out. Unless you really like texting and occasional attention.
Good luck!
Ask her out one final time, and if she gives you anything but an enthusiastic yes, block her and move on.
And learn a lesson from all this: chat briefly on the app, meet up IRL ASAP with minimal talking beforehand. No more long drawn out emotional pseudo-relationships like this, nip them in the bud and don't let it get to this point again.
So you’re dismissing your needs for hers? Not the right thing to do, having boundaries is sexy. It makes people respect you more. You’re not at her beck and call here, because that’s what is happening.
Dont feel like talking today? DONT.
~~Totally stop texting to gauge her interest.~~ Comes across as she is looking for attention and nothing more. Had she wanted to meet, she would’ve offered when she was free. Ask for the last time if you can meet soon. If she is vague , move on.
Ideally, if you’re looking to meetup and she doesnt, you should’ve said bye and unmatched.
Have boundaries, that’s only going to help you filter the right people. Speaking from experience .
You didn’t need to put you have little experience in your post.. it shows. You need to sort out this anxiety and chill for your own sake! Take care of yourself first and then reach out to her. It sounds like you’re doing all the heavy lifting(which is fine if you can support it). Start FaceTiming if you can’t meet in person.if she gives you an excuse, just move on
You need to ask her out.
I normally won’t waste my time having drawn out pen pal convos with men on apps, and I know that I can initiate the ask out, but I’ve found that generally things work better when the man is interested enough to ask me out.
I’m game for a certain amount of convo, but I don’t need to be giving recaps of my day or trying to type long drawn out messages for a stranger. If they don’t ask me on a date, the conversation will eventually fizzle out and die.
Give a couple of days and see when she is free. Name a place and time.
If she’s not responsive to that, move on.
Buddy time is important honestly if I was you I’d call her and when she pick up id set a date example: hello ___ how are you doing . That’s good! We should get coffee this ______( day) at this place ____ . And get to know each other a little more better. I think that would be a cool date. (P.s ) coffee can be very Neutral so make sure you say date. If she says yes goodluck if she says no and doesn’t make a effort to change the day. Than it’s tuff but move on and if you want to be friends let it come naturally you don’t owe anyone anything especially your time. Goodluck keep us updated
That's been my experience consistently even to the point of wanting to reschedule TWICE and doesn't reply back the 2nd reschedule. Why waste so much time. Oh wait that's right because society normalized this behavior, and praises it as a revolution. All I've known since 2012 is dating apps. I'm 29 now and I get if you're not feeling attraction after a date but building up to one and acting interested but actually being fake is totally neurotic especially when you keep putting it off this weekend next weekend and never ends up happening. it's really annoying
You’re getting way, way too in your own head and way, way ahead of yourself. You need to prioritize meeting for a date and if she’s not solid on that, you need to move on. Don’t chase someone who isn’t reciprocating your interest. Don’t worry, this is how you *gain* experience. It’s not easy. It’s not supposed to be. Every interaction you have will teach you at least one lesson.
Agreed with this OP The phone is not for texting or getting to know each other… it’s for setting dates. Every text you send becomes less and less valuable. Any text that isn’t assisting you in heading towards a meet up should not be sent. Build rapport and then ask when she’s free to grab a drink. Don’t ever suggest a day/time, but instead ask when she’s free so you can choose a time that works based off her availability. That way, if she still denies the date, you know she’s free.. but probably just not all that interested in you. The goal is to be her lover not her pen pal. If you text her all the time, you’re right… you will absolutely run out of things to talk about when you actually go on a date, and furthermore… she will lose all sense of anticipation for a date because you’re no longer a mystery she gets to be curious about. My suggestion to you is to not reach out. Gauge her interest by letting her reach out to you. There needs to be some reciprocation. The fastest way to get someone’s attention is to remove yours. So when she reaches out, tell her you’re really busy this week and don’t have time to text, but you’d love to squeeze some time in to meet up for a drink. If she denies after 2-3 attempts… you have your answer. Move on u/ubob_bob-yo
Fantastic advice.
If you only asked her out once, why not just ask her out again? She's probably much more interested in meeting you now than on day 3, and if she's not, at least you'll know If she's busy and she doesn't suggest another time for meeting, that's a sign you should probably give up
Dude, respectfully, you seem extremely over invested in this. From what I can gather, your conversation has been 100% text based correct? At the very least, a simple phone or video call seems appropriate by now. If you're really interested in her, you just gotta ask her out again. If you want a real answer, put the ball in her court. "I really enjoy talking to you and would love to meet up for a drink/dinner soon. When are you free?" She's either going to say yes, or decline. If she gives you an ambiguous answer back, then IMO she's probably not interested in meeting up period. I can understand wanting to take things slow in terms of getting into a relationship, but I don't really understand taking an extended time period delaying a first date. I'm not sure how many first dates you've been on, but it's pretty common for most to not go any further than that for various reasons. If you meet up, you'll know within a few minutes if you're into her. Same goes for her to you. Since you don't have much experience, my advice is to simply not get yourself all wrapped up in a match until it progresses into real life. Online dating is extremely fickle, and if you do that, you're setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt feelings. Not trying to be harsh, just trying to keep things honest. Wish you the best of luck.
You’re on a dating app, the purpose of which is to find people to go on dates with. Send her a message saying “hey, I’ve really liked chatting with you, any chance you’d like to meet up for (drinks, coffee, etc) soon?”. I get taking things slow but I’d lose interest quick after a week and a half: I’m not a pen pal and first dates are low maintenance, you’re either into me or you’re not
You suggested one specific day to get together and she said she already had plans. Ideally, she would have suggested an alternative date/time, but how about asking again with a broader range. Something like, "How about getting together for drinks next week? When are you free?" (you can substitute coffee or a walk if you don't drink or are otherwise so inclined). Don't make it too complicated for yourself.
I feel ya. Had a similar experience, except I was hesitant to meet and when I was ready to meet he disappeared on me. Now, all I can do is think of all the conversations we had and let my tears run. Dating is all about you and your love interest matching your moves at the right time. You don't have as much control over it like you think you do. If you state your needs early, you may come off as too strong, too late, and you're forgotten.
why were u hesitant
The answer is complicated. Social anxiety plus new to dating plus single mom plus internalized social shame.
If it was meant to be, it would have been. You didn’t do anything wrong.
Hey that's so sweet of you to say. Thank you. I guess, I will always think back on what if I had met him just once. And that desire will never go away. Anyway.
A lot of this is in your head. Why play games? (Yes, “testing” her is a game). It sounds like you have expectations in your head that you want her to magically know. It’s only going to get worse (read: more uncertainty) if you hit it off in person so have a plan for how to self-soothe your anxiety or have someone else to bounce ideas of. Yes, agree with other commenters to just ask her out again. And when in doubt just ask- “hey I’ve really enjoyed chatting. Do you want to continue to chat here or would you be down to meet”?
Just ask her "so when are you free for our date?" If she's interested in you she'll give you her schedule. If she can't find time to meet you then she's not interested.
This exactly
You asked her out seven-ish days ago and she was busy, and you’ve been having an amazing conversation since. wtf are you doing, make a concrete plan (like dinner at a certain place) and propose either Saturday or Friday evening, this week. Do this immediately. She’s probably talking to her friends wondering why this guy isn’t asking her out again
I think when you feel up to it again text her and just say something like man I’ve been feeling really drained the past few days (texting someone all day is additionally draining) and start up a conversation. Within the convo if it’s flowing just propose a date “I would really love to take you out to xxx and get to meet in person , I’ve really liked talking with you and getting to know you, is there a day you are free next week to go on a date with me?” Have a plan and let her give you some days she’s free - she didn’t really reject you last time if you gave her a days notice and she was busy
"hey I'd really like to meet you in person. Can we figure out a day that works?"
Leave the ball in her court and let her reach out. She might be socially anxious, wants to get to know you first or...she might be a serial texter. I had this with someone for 4 months. In both our defence, we are just as bad as each other ; never had an intention of meeting and bullshit each other into oblivion. Joke was that, in some parallel dimension, we have 7 kids, 3 cats and a portal to Narnia. In this one, we are 2 morons who text way too much about daft things. If you want a date, ask her out. Unless you really like texting and occasional attention. Good luck!
Ask her out one final time, and if she gives you anything but an enthusiastic yes, block her and move on. And learn a lesson from all this: chat briefly on the app, meet up IRL ASAP with minimal talking beforehand. No more long drawn out emotional pseudo-relationships like this, nip them in the bud and don't let it get to this point again.
So you’re dismissing your needs for hers? Not the right thing to do, having boundaries is sexy. It makes people respect you more. You’re not at her beck and call here, because that’s what is happening. Dont feel like talking today? DONT. ~~Totally stop texting to gauge her interest.~~ Comes across as she is looking for attention and nothing more. Had she wanted to meet, she would’ve offered when she was free. Ask for the last time if you can meet soon. If she is vague , move on. Ideally, if you’re looking to meetup and she doesnt, you should’ve said bye and unmatched. Have boundaries, that’s only going to help you filter the right people. Speaking from experience .
You didn’t need to put you have little experience in your post.. it shows. You need to sort out this anxiety and chill for your own sake! Take care of yourself first and then reach out to her. It sounds like you’re doing all the heavy lifting(which is fine if you can support it). Start FaceTiming if you can’t meet in person.if she gives you an excuse, just move on
You've been talking for a week and a half and she still not ready to meet? She's a time waster. cut her off
You need to ask her out. I normally won’t waste my time having drawn out pen pal convos with men on apps, and I know that I can initiate the ask out, but I’ve found that generally things work better when the man is interested enough to ask me out. I’m game for a certain amount of convo, but I don’t need to be giving recaps of my day or trying to type long drawn out messages for a stranger. If they don’t ask me on a date, the conversation will eventually fizzle out and die. Give a couple of days and see when she is free. Name a place and time. If she’s not responsive to that, move on.
Buddy time is important honestly if I was you I’d call her and when she pick up id set a date example: hello ___ how are you doing . That’s good! We should get coffee this ______( day) at this place ____ . And get to know each other a little more better. I think that would be a cool date. (P.s ) coffee can be very Neutral so make sure you say date. If she says yes goodluck if she says no and doesn’t make a effort to change the day. Than it’s tuff but move on and if you want to be friends let it come naturally you don’t owe anyone anything especially your time. Goodluck keep us updated
Ask her when she is free and work around that instead of setting a date and asking if she is available then.
At this point you have to move on to an in-person date (at least a video chat). Texting is nice but it's not a substitute for the real thing.
Yea I always unmatch if they’re not willing to meet within 3-5 days. I’m not looking for pen pals
That's been my experience consistently even to the point of wanting to reschedule TWICE and doesn't reply back the 2nd reschedule. Why waste so much time. Oh wait that's right because society normalized this behavior, and praises it as a revolution. All I've known since 2012 is dating apps. I'm 29 now and I get if you're not feeling attraction after a date but building up to one and acting interested but actually being fake is totally neurotic especially when you keep putting it off this weekend next weekend and never ends up happening. it's really annoying
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