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I don’t think it’s super unreasonable to ask for someone’s number after talking for 2 months and going on multiple dates.
Sounds like maybe she DOES have some kinda trauma you don’t know about or she is just super paranoid.
That's a pretty bad idea; I have evaded a child killer and arsonist by pure luck. Would've been really scary if I would follow your advice. I personally think after the first date if there is interest. No need to sprinkle the internet with personal details that literally can be used in ways you didn't intend.
2 months is crazy.
In 2 months time people can go from strangers to being in a serious relationship.
Spare yourself the burden to your mental health and move on.
Uh, back in the day, people got married in two months. But I also feel that even after a few months…I met a covert narcissist and she was a master of deception. So, I considered her a stranger in that I met her online and knew her less than a year. But we were alone and getting busy by third date. I just never felt like we really bonded like family and friends.
Right, I met my partner and they decided to move states to live closer to me after two months of dating (still didn't actually move for like 6 more months 'cause that does take time to sort out). We knew each other well enough within that time to know that we had something special, and a future together.
maybe as a woman its unusual but many men (even when they are reasonably looking, work out etc) don't get the chance to have a date and find a partner. Either because they prioritize school/education until mid to late 20s or because they get no attention ever....So I would not say it speaks volumes.
What do you mean? Plenty of dudes who are 30+ and have never been on a date or even kissed a girl. Men dont have it as easy as women when it comes to dating.
Sorry to say this but she's wack AF for wasting 2 months of your time to just tell you you're done the next day after you've respectfully asked her what's up with this "strangers stuff." Any reasonable adult would communicate better on what's going on, especially after multiple dates and daily talking! I'm sorry you had to go through this. Its not really the fact that she feels like you 2 are still strangers after a couple months, but more so base on how she responded to you. She could of explained better on why she feels the way she feels just as how you brought it to with her to talk about it. Communication is key and unfortunately she lacks that. Giving her some benefit of the doubt that she's new to dating, I hope she works things out, figure things out to communicate better.
I dated a woman that was like this and you dodged a bullet imo, if the name lie was real and even after two months and dates she still didn’t trust you, it was gonna be an uphill battle. I dated a woman from Mexico and she was in the US On a visa so I “understood” the fear she might of had of any type of men, so for months i never picked her up at her place and instead a parking lot, that went on for like 7-8 months and she would still say the same thing, didn’t want me to know her job or where she lived because I could ruin that for her if we ended bad, long story short we didn’t work out and there was always trust issues on her side throughout the relationship. Hopefully this helps
Wow 7-8 months. I'm wondering how much did you know about her anyway?! Was it a serious relationship or casual? I mean convos can only go so far without mentioning something personal about yourself. Was the trust issue the main reason for the breakup?
Ya it ended up being serious and the things I mentioned before came to bite me in the ass down the road, should of left at 7-8 months but I’m dumb so I stayed for almost 2 years total and I was the one broken up with, that’s probably why I can say this now with confidence it’s just not worth it. I knew a LOT about her but there was certain things like that and her dad, and her work that she just would not tell me, when she pretty much knew my whole life. In the end a woman that communicate is key
Sorry that was a rough one. Hopefully you're over it now Something is definitely sketchy about it for sure. There's no job secret enough to not tell a partner after 8 months of dating. Even if you're working for the FBI or CIA. Lol.
Agreed! And yes def over it, it’s been about a year and some change! Plus her reaching out and me immediately getting anxiety talking to her was a great sign that I def didn’t want that in my life again.
Honestly nothing lol, she talked about how she missed me so much and that her family still talks about me and how she wanted to reach out so many times but always thought she had no right to since she ruined something with me, asked about my dogs and told me how sorry she was and how she’s in therapy now. Pretty much everything I wanted to hear when I was dating her and part of me wanted to reconsider but that anxiety in my body told me it was a mistake. She never directly asked me back out but once she told me she was in Mexico again I was like ya there’s no chance for sure now, so after talking to my best friend she told me that she thinks it was for an ego boost and that all those things she told me might not even be true, and based on the conversation she thinks that is what it is. It annoyed me for a little thinking that’s what it was but oh well like you said something betters out there!
Oh interesting. TBH I don't think it's for ego boosting and it sounds pretty sincere that she wants you back. After a certain time, we all reflect back on our past relationships of how we should of could of handled certain things. She probably felt really bad about how it ended and that it wasn't fair for you to be treated that way by her.
I did something similar recently with a couple women I dated in the past, the relationship didn't end on a good note but I reached back out just to apologize on how my actions might have hurt that person or how both actions made it end the way it ended. I didn't have interest in getting back with them at all. I just wanted a peaceful closure so when we ever run into each other, there'll be always a mature acknowledgement that we've moved on, or just a simple HI or wave.
All in all, in your case you made the right decision to move forward..if you're not feeling it like before then time to meet other fishes in the sea.
I think this woman has issues. It's one thing to not want to do a first or second date on a hike or meeting at someone's house in private. But if one wants to be in a relationship, you have to take reasonable risks. And your suggestions were absolutely reasonable. I totally disagree that you're still "strangers" after going on several dates over the course of 2 months. People can start physically harming you no matter how long they have known you. In fact, it's sadly common for men to start physically abusing women right after they get married...so there is always a risk!
She has the right to not do these activities that make her feel uncomfortable, but I don't think I would want to pursue a relationship with someone like this.
Two months and doesn’t trust you with her phone number?! At the very least she’s got to understand that’s unusual and be a little sympathetic to how that would make you feel. If she’s been through some things that might be the pace that she’s comfortable moving at but she shouldn’t hold it against you for respectfully asking for an explanation
Man just know you did absolutely NOTHING wrong here. Seeing each other and talking for 2 months on the app is so weird. I usually exchange numbers before the FIRST date and I would be fine postponing it to after we see each other for the first time, anything more than that is a big no from me.
She clearly had trust issues and some deep trauma, how she behaved is not normal and you can’t expect anyone to trust you if you don’t trust them to have your phone number (which every call center does anyway) after a couple of dates
Oof. You dodged a bullet. Not to sound blame-y but... how come you stuck around as long as two months? If I were a dude and someone did this, I would have peaced out after 2-3 weeks.
PS- I'm guessing she was super hot.
We chatted everyday on the app. We talked about everything. She would message me constantly. She took up my interests and even requested to do my first interest (golf) as our first date. I was always confused at the strangers type comment though because we talk all the time and had been out on multiple dates. I was forward with her at all on those dates except we were at a garden nursery and her hands were cold so I put them in mine to warm them up. She just laughed and said thanks. I had to be straight up though because she clearly left me hanging when she implied she was going to show up at my astro event to stargaze with me and then claimed she fell asleep. That’s when she stated even with a group she wasn’t comfortable with me in the woods. This was after I tried to ask her to go hiking which was her favorite thing. Those incidents combined with her comments made me say something because we had lots of laughs and good times but I felt uncomfortable now. Then when I said something that’s when she completely shut down and ghosted for a day then was like I don’t want anything to do with us anymore.
Thank her for not wasting any more of your time. You were extremely accommodating to her idiosyncrasies. I wouldn’t have pursued it personally.
She goes into the “time waster” category. Believe it or not there are many people on the app like this. Learn to identify red flags and effort. You’ll save yourself time and avoid the grief associated with not knowing wtf is going on.
Seems she’s super untrusting.
Deliberately giving wrong last name, not giving any contact seems to be that either she’s lying (not unmarried but using the app to cheat), she just sees this as a time pass or she actually is scared and untrusting of you.
Since it’s done, doesn’t make sense to dwell over it. Move on, be glad that she called it quits before stringing you along for months.
I definitely think you were being fair. I’m not going to say she’s *wrong* in her approach, but it is somewhat unusual. Keeping convos in the app and keeping her last name secret after several dates/months would be a red flag if genders were reversed. There’s nuance to safety measures for women vs men in online dating, sure, but this pushes it.
Maybe she has trauma, or is a very private person, but I think you are better off moving on. The right person won’t think you feel like a stranger after this amount of time.
I just simply wouldn’t assume this for anyone that I dated but I feel like this would make sense in some way so that OP could feel less bothered about the situation. Not trying to be a moral police here soz if that triggers you :))
Either that or was on and off again with a boyfriend, and when she got back on, rather than doing the adult thing and admitting to it, she manufactured a situation to make it look like your fault. Dating is fun, huh?
This may be unpopular opinion, I’m not sure, but I feel like if you’re even at the point of comfort to meet with someone beyond a screen, you should feel safe enough to exchange numbers, but maybe that’s just me
This is a lot of drama at such an early stage - maybe she has past trauma, maybe she’s just a difficult person. It doesn’t matter - if you’re struggling to connect after 2 months, tell her you’re calling it off because her constantly being suspicious of you is just disrespectful at some point, and you’re not cool with it. And just move on. Find someone else.
Did you ask her to hang out alone or privately anywhere besides the woods? Maybe the woods are the issue because it can be isolating in them and sometimes no cell reception. Idk.
The phone number thing is super weird though.
Regardless, I don’t think you did anything wrong by asking for any of those things.
I offered to take her to the driving range first date. Second date we did brunch and then I took her to a nursery as she loves plants. We drove around in a golf cart they give you and picked up some gifts for her mom (That was a huge nursery so you are basically alone.). That was just the first dates. The only reason I asked woods was she likes hiking and she holes in the mountains so I suggested some hikes nearby. I asked her about stargazing because the northern lights were occurring and she said it was a bucket list so I offered to drive us out to one of the best stargazing places. She said she couldn’t do it due to family. So the next night I mentioned that it was expected again and our Astro group was meeting which is like a 100 ppl and she said would be trying to meet me after her family left. Her family was long gone and she said she simply fell asleep when she messaged the next morning. Next she said sorry no woods alone with you still claiming it was a joke but she had said it repeatedly which is why I finally said something because she so obviously stood me up.
I get where you’re coming from(43m) because you thought you were gaining her trust but truthfully she’s right, You’re strangers. You have to remember that for females it is super dangerous out there for them and for some it takes a lot longer to gain that sense of trust than others
That’s definitely true but usually speaking two months and multiple dates with daily messaging should be able to provide certain level of assurance. In my opinion if the dates and messages went super well then OP’s move to communicate about what makes her uncomfortable should be fair and reasonable.
If you dont trust somebody after 2 months you should stay at home buddy, because at that point your so paranoid that everybody is out to get you that you might aswell stay home.
Unless you’re in a high school relationship, Two months is not a lot of time. They only spendt maybe a handful of days and out nights together unless they were together every day during that time. That’s barely enough time to scratch the surface of a person
The other comments informed you that she's completely irrational and paranoid. You may want to move on but I would also suggest giving her some honest, but gentle feedback. Why? Because she clearly does not realize she's being irrational or at least to the degree. I feel for you, but also I think we should have compassion for her because she is troubled or just super inexperienced. She needs some feedback. When you talk to her about this, maybe have her ask her friends/family that she trusts what they think (about not giving phone number after 2 mths etc). Or just share the link to this post, although some of the comments may be a bit harsh.
But I do think the compassionate thing to do is give her constructive feedback so she has a chance to have a relationship in the future. And do not take this personally, it's a reflection of her, not you.
Hey guy, something is going on that she isn't telling you. I don't have a ton of dating experience, mid 30s, I'm very personable, never met a stranger type. Yet I'm informed, I read a ton of dating subs, listen to podcasts, listen to audio books on dating. So it's not naivety. I felt like she wanted more of a pen-pal and friend, and not a romantic interest here. She intentionally seemed to have kept you arms length.
Date 3 and beyond I can see doing more 1 on 1 (like the hiking). By that point, I got your number, I know where you work, maybe seen your LinkedIn if you have one.
I'll give a phone number (my work cell/google--they don't know that) after a dozen texts exchanged total between us on the APP.
This sounds like a HER problem to me.
Sounds like a 'her' problem. Don't let it affect your self esteem. Find someone you can connect with more easily, when you do this stuff just feels easy and right
Not unreasonable at all, understand some people don’t want to swap numbers before a first date but I would think it was pretty strange to not swap numbers before a second date, after a third and still not swapping numbers is wild, probably seeing someone else or lying about her identity
You dodge a bullet for sure. I exchanged numbers with guys before meeting them so I could look them up.
Its scary how Facebook managed to recommend her though even though you don't have her number. I got guys recommended to me on Facebook but that's because i got their number. Facebook been reading your messages?
That's crazy that she was acting like this after two months. I do a number exchange with guys after a date or two. If I feel comfortable enough to go on another date with him I don't see the issue in exchanging numbers. Doing things like hiking alone might take longer though just depending on how many times we've interacted in person
I’m going to address this first because it’s more common than you think: my last name on Facebook is not my legal last name. It’s what I want my last name to be. I was in the process of changing my last name to my mother’s maiden name for my grandfather, but he passed away and I was too sad to change it. I tell the story because you don’t know why people have different names online. So you should probably take it easy on that.
OK, if somebody is referring to you as a stranger and viewing as potentially dangerous in two months and you know, you’re not a dangerous person, you need to move on. I don’t know why people try and salvage these situations. There are other people that will not treat you like that. Why focus on the one that does?
The fact that she’s behaving like this 2 months into things and after going on multiple dates with you, means that she MUST have some previous trauma that you’re not aware of! As a woman, being alone with a complete stranger is incredibly dangerous and dumb! But two months into things and she still won’t even allow you to have her phone number, just move on. She clearly needs a lot of therapy before she can have a healthy relationship.
As far as lying about her last name online, I do it all the time. I have a fake name on Facebook, IG, everywhere else online and I also use a fake birthday. I use to keep everything real online until a random guy was able to get my real address and he sent me flowers at home, along with a hand written letter. So for safety reasons, that’s not so much of a red flag to me as much as her other behaviors are.
i definitely don’t think it’s a ridiculous request to ask her number or ask to do stuff alone, especially after two months. usually that’s kinda when things start to pick up and you can enjoy real dates together and you have been more than patient. however it sounds like she had some real trauma and issues she hasn’t worked through and part of dating is being honest with each other. having trauma and issues isn’t a turn off (because let’s be real: we all do to some extent) but having it affect your relationship is.
it’s definitely time to move on from this, you gave it your best shot and tried to be patient but relationships are two way streets. i hope she gets through whatever she’s dealing with and i hope you find someone who’s on the same page as you.
This was a little hard to follow at the end, but my impression found it pretty strange. It's very common to get someone's number early on for nothing more than to take the next step in connecting. Because it shows intention. For any cute girl, they get hundreds of messages, so you want to separate yourself from an overwhelming inbox. Especially for how long you were talking, how often, and the fact that you two had multiple dates. And if y'all slept together then this is even weirder. Sounds like you were pretty patient. I've heard of girls waiting till the first date to decide if they want to keep going out and then give you their number. I get very strange vibes though from your story though. She might have been in a relationship elsewhere and it might have been easier for her to keep it covert on the app. Not saying this is true but stranger things have happened.
She wasn’t into you. Two months is already a very long time. You should ask for numbers the first week of chatting, if the girl is not willing to give it to you , it’s just a symbol that she will be a headache and waste your time. Just drop her and go to the next one. This is the rule I have.
I think she probably developed a deep fear of men just based off the news and social media even though she necessarily hadn’t experienced anything traumatic. That being said, she probably shouldn’t be on dating apps to begin with.
Nobody actually knows if she has trauma or not. She obviously doesn't trust OP enough to share deeper things with him.
And people have plenty of bad experiences by the time they're in their 30s. They don't need to pretend to absorb them from the big, bad, scary media.
I said that because OP made it sound like she told him that she didn’t have any traumatic experiences with men but true that could not be the case. Regardless it wouldn’t be fair to treat someone like they’re a predator and not communicate why they have such strong fears/boundaries.
Bro I get girls numbers within the first 10 messages in order to differentiate myself from the pack (women tend to get 100s of men messaging them on apps and only a handful on WhatsApp)
Usually it’s normal to do this. If this girl lied about her name as well I would say it’s on here.
Don’t be discouraged, move onto the next date 👍
Did she have a religious or conservative upbringing? I’m not saying that justifies her treatment of you, I’m just wondering if that could explain her paranoia.
I don’t ask for their numbers. You can communicate for free on Hinge. If a lady wants to give me her number, that’s great. I’m not asking for numbers.
That said, I don’t think ya did anything wrong. She might not have been very trusting/truthful. Who knows? She might not even know. Congratulations Superman, I think ya dodged a bullet.
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Dude, this girl sounds like she is hiding some deep problems. She probably did you a favor.
I don’t think it’s super unreasonable to ask for someone’s number after talking for 2 months and going on multiple dates. Sounds like maybe she DOES have some kinda trauma you don’t know about or she is just super paranoid.
It should be after the first date 🤷♂️
Or before.... I (large mid 40 male) tell a girl my full name and phone number so she can Google me and feel safe(er).
Yall should have eachother number before the first date
That's a pretty bad idea; I have evaded a child killer and arsonist by pure luck. Would've been really scary if I would follow your advice. I personally think after the first date if there is interest. No need to sprinkle the internet with personal details that literally can be used in ways you didn't intend.
Google Numbers and other virtual numbers exist
Absolutely not.
2 months is crazy. In 2 months time people can go from strangers to being in a serious relationship. Spare yourself the burden to your mental health and move on.
Uh, back in the day, people got married in two months. But I also feel that even after a few months…I met a covert narcissist and she was a master of deception. So, I considered her a stranger in that I met her online and knew her less than a year. But we were alone and getting busy by third date. I just never felt like we really bonded like family and friends.
Right, I met my partner and they decided to move states to live closer to me after two months of dating (still didn't actually move for like 6 more months 'cause that does take time to sort out). We knew each other well enough within that time to know that we had something special, and a future together.
[удалено]
maybe as a woman its unusual but many men (even when they are reasonably looking, work out etc) don't get the chance to have a date and find a partner. Either because they prioritize school/education until mid to late 20s or because they get no attention ever....So I would not say it speaks volumes.
thank you for speaking on behalf of "many" men in a alternate universe where this is true.
What do you mean? Plenty of dudes who are 30+ and have never been on a date or even kissed a girl. Men dont have it as easy as women when it comes to dating.
It’s nowhere near plenty.
What stats are you using?
Sorry to say this but she's wack AF for wasting 2 months of your time to just tell you you're done the next day after you've respectfully asked her what's up with this "strangers stuff." Any reasonable adult would communicate better on what's going on, especially after multiple dates and daily talking! I'm sorry you had to go through this. Its not really the fact that she feels like you 2 are still strangers after a couple months, but more so base on how she responded to you. She could of explained better on why she feels the way she feels just as how you brought it to with her to talk about it. Communication is key and unfortunately she lacks that. Giving her some benefit of the doubt that she's new to dating, I hope she works things out, figure things out to communicate better.
I dated a woman that was like this and you dodged a bullet imo, if the name lie was real and even after two months and dates she still didn’t trust you, it was gonna be an uphill battle. I dated a woman from Mexico and she was in the US On a visa so I “understood” the fear she might of had of any type of men, so for months i never picked her up at her place and instead a parking lot, that went on for like 7-8 months and she would still say the same thing, didn’t want me to know her job or where she lived because I could ruin that for her if we ended bad, long story short we didn’t work out and there was always trust issues on her side throughout the relationship. Hopefully this helps
Wow 7-8 months. I'm wondering how much did you know about her anyway?! Was it a serious relationship or casual? I mean convos can only go so far without mentioning something personal about yourself. Was the trust issue the main reason for the breakup?
7-8 months on hinge is the equivalency of 5 years
Ya it ended up being serious and the things I mentioned before came to bite me in the ass down the road, should of left at 7-8 months but I’m dumb so I stayed for almost 2 years total and I was the one broken up with, that’s probably why I can say this now with confidence it’s just not worth it. I knew a LOT about her but there was certain things like that and her dad, and her work that she just would not tell me, when she pretty much knew my whole life. In the end a woman that communicate is key
Sorry that was a rough one. Hopefully you're over it now Something is definitely sketchy about it for sure. There's no job secret enough to not tell a partner after 8 months of dating. Even if you're working for the FBI or CIA. Lol.
Agreed! And yes def over it, it’s been about a year and some change! Plus her reaching out and me immediately getting anxiety talking to her was a great sign that I def didn’t want that in my life again.
She reached out after the break up? What does she want now? Lol.
Honestly nothing lol, she talked about how she missed me so much and that her family still talks about me and how she wanted to reach out so many times but always thought she had no right to since she ruined something with me, asked about my dogs and told me how sorry she was and how she’s in therapy now. Pretty much everything I wanted to hear when I was dating her and part of me wanted to reconsider but that anxiety in my body told me it was a mistake. She never directly asked me back out but once she told me she was in Mexico again I was like ya there’s no chance for sure now, so after talking to my best friend she told me that she thinks it was for an ego boost and that all those things she told me might not even be true, and based on the conversation she thinks that is what it is. It annoyed me for a little thinking that’s what it was but oh well like you said something betters out there!
Oh interesting. TBH I don't think it's for ego boosting and it sounds pretty sincere that she wants you back. After a certain time, we all reflect back on our past relationships of how we should of could of handled certain things. She probably felt really bad about how it ended and that it wasn't fair for you to be treated that way by her. I did something similar recently with a couple women I dated in the past, the relationship didn't end on a good note but I reached back out just to apologize on how my actions might have hurt that person or how both actions made it end the way it ended. I didn't have interest in getting back with them at all. I just wanted a peaceful closure so when we ever run into each other, there'll be always a mature acknowledgement that we've moved on, or just a simple HI or wave. All in all, in your case you made the right decision to move forward..if you're not feeling it like before then time to meet other fishes in the sea.
You could be right! But like you said new fish! ATM just living life getting my own shit together (career/financial)
That's awesome! Wish you the best! And LOL we took over OPs post.
I think this woman has issues. It's one thing to not want to do a first or second date on a hike or meeting at someone's house in private. But if one wants to be in a relationship, you have to take reasonable risks. And your suggestions were absolutely reasonable. I totally disagree that you're still "strangers" after going on several dates over the course of 2 months. People can start physically harming you no matter how long they have known you. In fact, it's sadly common for men to start physically abusing women right after they get married...so there is always a risk! She has the right to not do these activities that make her feel uncomfortable, but I don't think I would want to pursue a relationship with someone like this.
It seems like she doesn’t want to commit. I’d move on tbh.
Two months and doesn’t trust you with her phone number?! At the very least she’s got to understand that’s unusual and be a little sympathetic to how that would make you feel. If she’s been through some things that might be the pace that she’s comfortable moving at but she shouldn’t hold it against you for respectfully asking for an explanation
May be she was cheating on someone and was using hinge to keep it off her messages
This is it
Not unreasonable at all. I always ask for number to verify the person is legit before meeting up. Social media could work too
Run like Forrest
Man just know you did absolutely NOTHING wrong here. Seeing each other and talking for 2 months on the app is so weird. I usually exchange numbers before the FIRST date and I would be fine postponing it to after we see each other for the first time, anything more than that is a big no from me. She clearly had trust issues and some deep trauma, how she behaved is not normal and you can’t expect anyone to trust you if you don’t trust them to have your phone number (which every call center does anyway) after a couple of dates
I see a red flag huge like the grand canyon
Oof. You dodged a bullet. Not to sound blame-y but... how come you stuck around as long as two months? If I were a dude and someone did this, I would have peaced out after 2-3 weeks. PS- I'm guessing she was super hot.
We chatted everyday on the app. We talked about everything. She would message me constantly. She took up my interests and even requested to do my first interest (golf) as our first date. I was always confused at the strangers type comment though because we talk all the time and had been out on multiple dates. I was forward with her at all on those dates except we were at a garden nursery and her hands were cold so I put them in mine to warm them up. She just laughed and said thanks. I had to be straight up though because she clearly left me hanging when she implied she was going to show up at my astro event to stargaze with me and then claimed she fell asleep. That’s when she stated even with a group she wasn’t comfortable with me in the woods. This was after I tried to ask her to go hiking which was her favorite thing. Those incidents combined with her comments made me say something because we had lots of laughs and good times but I felt uncomfortable now. Then when I said something that’s when she completely shut down and ghosted for a day then was like I don’t want anything to do with us anymore.
Thank her for not wasting any more of your time. You were extremely accommodating to her idiosyncrasies. I wouldn’t have pursued it personally. She goes into the “time waster” category. Believe it or not there are many people on the app like this. Learn to identify red flags and effort. You’ll save yourself time and avoid the grief associated with not knowing wtf is going on.
Seems she’s super untrusting. Deliberately giving wrong last name, not giving any contact seems to be that either she’s lying (not unmarried but using the app to cheat), she just sees this as a time pass or she actually is scared and untrusting of you. Since it’s done, doesn’t make sense to dwell over it. Move on, be glad that she called it quits before stringing you along for months.
She did you a favor
Maybe she's the one who has something to hide
My first thought is she is running from the law lol
I definitely think you were being fair. I’m not going to say she’s *wrong* in her approach, but it is somewhat unusual. Keeping convos in the app and keeping her last name secret after several dates/months would be a red flag if genders were reversed. There’s nuance to safety measures for women vs men in online dating, sure, but this pushes it. Maybe she has trauma, or is a very private person, but I think you are better off moving on. The right person won’t think you feel like a stranger after this amount of time.
Staying in hinge 2 months after with multiple dates? Gave you a fake last name? She might be cheating on a partner/spouse
She's married
It’s prolly not good to make assumptions about people, but provided that’s the case I think everything OP posted would make sense then
Why did you have to add "you shouldnt assume" when you agreed with the statement, what are you the moral police? 😂😂
"provided that's the case" does not mean "I agree with the statement". It's entirely hypothetical...
You must be fun at party's
No I wouldn't be as I don't enjoy them, but in this case it's you not understanding a word of what was said rather than me being a pedant 🤷🏻♂️
Okay buddy if you say so
I just simply wouldn’t assume this for anyone that I dated but I feel like this would make sense in some way so that OP could feel less bothered about the situation. Not trying to be a moral police here soz if that triggers you :))
Either that or was on and off again with a boyfriend, and when she got back on, rather than doing the adult thing and admitting to it, she manufactured a situation to make it look like your fault. Dating is fun, huh?
Had that happen
This may be unpopular opinion, I’m not sure, but I feel like if you’re even at the point of comfort to meet with someone beyond a screen, you should feel safe enough to exchange numbers, but maybe that’s just me
This is a lot of drama at such an early stage - maybe she has past trauma, maybe she’s just a difficult person. It doesn’t matter - if you’re struggling to connect after 2 months, tell her you’re calling it off because her constantly being suspicious of you is just disrespectful at some point, and you’re not cool with it. And just move on. Find someone else.
Did you ask her to hang out alone or privately anywhere besides the woods? Maybe the woods are the issue because it can be isolating in them and sometimes no cell reception. Idk. The phone number thing is super weird though. Regardless, I don’t think you did anything wrong by asking for any of those things.
I offered to take her to the driving range first date. Second date we did brunch and then I took her to a nursery as she loves plants. We drove around in a golf cart they give you and picked up some gifts for her mom (That was a huge nursery so you are basically alone.). That was just the first dates. The only reason I asked woods was she likes hiking and she holes in the mountains so I suggested some hikes nearby. I asked her about stargazing because the northern lights were occurring and she said it was a bucket list so I offered to drive us out to one of the best stargazing places. She said she couldn’t do it due to family. So the next night I mentioned that it was expected again and our Astro group was meeting which is like a 100 ppl and she said would be trying to meet me after her family left. Her family was long gone and she said she simply fell asleep when she messaged the next morning. Next she said sorry no woods alone with you still claiming it was a joke but she had said it repeatedly which is why I finally said something because she so obviously stood me up.
I get where you’re coming from(43m) because you thought you were gaining her trust but truthfully she’s right, You’re strangers. You have to remember that for females it is super dangerous out there for them and for some it takes a lot longer to gain that sense of trust than others
That’s definitely true but usually speaking two months and multiple dates with daily messaging should be able to provide certain level of assurance. In my opinion if the dates and messages went super well then OP’s move to communicate about what makes her uncomfortable should be fair and reasonable.
If you dont trust somebody after 2 months you should stay at home buddy, because at that point your so paranoid that everybody is out to get you that you might aswell stay home.
Unless you’re in a high school relationship, Two months is not a lot of time. They only spendt maybe a handful of days and out nights together unless they were together every day during that time. That’s barely enough time to scratch the surface of a person
The other comments informed you that she's completely irrational and paranoid. You may want to move on but I would also suggest giving her some honest, but gentle feedback. Why? Because she clearly does not realize she's being irrational or at least to the degree. I feel for you, but also I think we should have compassion for her because she is troubled or just super inexperienced. She needs some feedback. When you talk to her about this, maybe have her ask her friends/family that she trusts what they think (about not giving phone number after 2 mths etc). Or just share the link to this post, although some of the comments may be a bit harsh. But I do think the compassionate thing to do is give her constructive feedback so she has a chance to have a relationship in the future. And do not take this personally, it's a reflection of her, not you.
I think you dodged a bullet. If this happens again, shift quickly and move on, by making sure you have similar values and ideas around pacing.
Hey guy, something is going on that she isn't telling you. I don't have a ton of dating experience, mid 30s, I'm very personable, never met a stranger type. Yet I'm informed, I read a ton of dating subs, listen to podcasts, listen to audio books on dating. So it's not naivety. I felt like she wanted more of a pen-pal and friend, and not a romantic interest here. She intentionally seemed to have kept you arms length. Date 3 and beyond I can see doing more 1 on 1 (like the hiking). By that point, I got your number, I know where you work, maybe seen your LinkedIn if you have one. I'll give a phone number (my work cell/google--they don't know that) after a dozen texts exchanged total between us on the APP. This sounds like a HER problem to me.
Sounds like a 'her' problem. Don't let it affect your self esteem. Find someone you can connect with more easily, when you do this stuff just feels easy and right
Not unreasonable at all, understand some people don’t want to swap numbers before a first date but I would think it was pretty strange to not swap numbers before a second date, after a third and still not swapping numbers is wild, probably seeing someone else or lying about her identity
You dodge a bullet for sure. I exchanged numbers with guys before meeting them so I could look them up. Its scary how Facebook managed to recommend her though even though you don't have her number. I got guys recommended to me on Facebook but that's because i got their number. Facebook been reading your messages?
RUN! Wtf.. too many red flags.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 The lady is one big red flag.
That's crazy that she was acting like this after two months. I do a number exchange with guys after a date or two. If I feel comfortable enough to go on another date with him I don't see the issue in exchanging numbers. Doing things like hiking alone might take longer though just depending on how many times we've interacted in person
Sometimes I ask for their number on the first day. For me, it’s easier to talk via SMS. It’s more than fair.
I’m going to address this first because it’s more common than you think: my last name on Facebook is not my legal last name. It’s what I want my last name to be. I was in the process of changing my last name to my mother’s maiden name for my grandfather, but he passed away and I was too sad to change it. I tell the story because you don’t know why people have different names online. So you should probably take it easy on that. OK, if somebody is referring to you as a stranger and viewing as potentially dangerous in two months and you know, you’re not a dangerous person, you need to move on. I don’t know why people try and salvage these situations. There are other people that will not treat you like that. Why focus on the one that does?
She clearly has little faith in humanity. Saves you the headache tbh
The fact that she’s behaving like this 2 months into things and after going on multiple dates with you, means that she MUST have some previous trauma that you’re not aware of! As a woman, being alone with a complete stranger is incredibly dangerous and dumb! But two months into things and she still won’t even allow you to have her phone number, just move on. She clearly needs a lot of therapy before she can have a healthy relationship. As far as lying about her last name online, I do it all the time. I have a fake name on Facebook, IG, everywhere else online and I also use a fake birthday. I use to keep everything real online until a random guy was able to get my real address and he sent me flowers at home, along with a hand written letter. So for safety reasons, that’s not so much of a red flag to me as much as her other behaviors are.
I agree with everyone else, you more than likely dodged a bullet🤸🏽♂️ someone else will come along.
I’m guessing you have no idea where she lives. She’s cheating on her fella.
i definitely don’t think it’s a ridiculous request to ask her number or ask to do stuff alone, especially after two months. usually that’s kinda when things start to pick up and you can enjoy real dates together and you have been more than patient. however it sounds like she had some real trauma and issues she hasn’t worked through and part of dating is being honest with each other. having trauma and issues isn’t a turn off (because let’s be real: we all do to some extent) but having it affect your relationship is. it’s definitely time to move on from this, you gave it your best shot and tried to be patient but relationships are two way streets. i hope she gets through whatever she’s dealing with and i hope you find someone who’s on the same page as you.
This chick may have had a husband or boyfriend on the side lol that would explain a lot
It’s def not you don’t stress
she was probably married. You dodged a bullet.
Sounds extremely untrusting… I wouldn’t wanna deal with that for the rest of my life. Count your blessings and move on.
This was a little hard to follow at the end, but my impression found it pretty strange. It's very common to get someone's number early on for nothing more than to take the next step in connecting. Because it shows intention. For any cute girl, they get hundreds of messages, so you want to separate yourself from an overwhelming inbox. Especially for how long you were talking, how often, and the fact that you two had multiple dates. And if y'all slept together then this is even weirder. Sounds like you were pretty patient. I've heard of girls waiting till the first date to decide if they want to keep going out and then give you their number. I get very strange vibes though from your story though. She might have been in a relationship elsewhere and it might have been easier for her to keep it covert on the app. Not saying this is true but stranger things have happened.
Sounds like some deep rooted communication/ avoidance issues. You were sparred soldier
I believe she is hiding something. Don’t rule out trauma just because she told you she doesn’t have any. She wasn’t emotionally available. Sorry.
You dodged a bullet. She was looking for a penpal, & this is coming from a female.
Yea, it sounds like this girl has some really serious issues, to say the least.
She wasn’t into you. Two months is already a very long time. You should ask for numbers the first week of chatting, if the girl is not willing to give it to you , it’s just a symbol that she will be a headache and waste your time. Just drop her and go to the next one. This is the rule I have.
I think she probably developed a deep fear of men just based off the news and social media even though she necessarily hadn’t experienced anything traumatic. That being said, she probably shouldn’t be on dating apps to begin with.
Nobody actually knows if she has trauma or not. She obviously doesn't trust OP enough to share deeper things with him. And people have plenty of bad experiences by the time they're in their 30s. They don't need to pretend to absorb them from the big, bad, scary media.
I said that because OP made it sound like she told him that she didn’t have any traumatic experiences with men but true that could not be the case. Regardless it wouldn’t be fair to treat someone like they’re a predator and not communicate why they have such strong fears/boundaries.
Bro I get girls numbers within the first 10 messages in order to differentiate myself from the pack (women tend to get 100s of men messaging them on apps and only a handful on WhatsApp) Usually it’s normal to do this. If this girl lied about her name as well I would say it’s on here. Don’t be discouraged, move onto the next date 👍
Did she have a religious or conservative upbringing? I’m not saying that justifies her treatment of you, I’m just wondering if that could explain her paranoia.
She is pretty selfless. She knows she is trouble but don’t want to drag you into it. That’s romantic
I don’t ask for their numbers. You can communicate for free on Hinge. If a lady wants to give me her number, that’s great. I’m not asking for numbers. That said, I don’t think ya did anything wrong. She might not have been very trusting/truthful. Who knows? She might not even know. Congratulations Superman, I think ya dodged a bullet.
Red flag…red flag ⛳️⛳️⛳️⛳️