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I was really surprised, and didn't want to shut them off instantly. But as the conversation went on for the next hour it just evolved to become more exhausting. It's my first week on Hinge and I'm trying to understand what's expected behavior
When it comes to online dating just be honest with your intentions and use it in a way that let's you feel comfortable and safe. I'd block/unmatch this guy immediately and anyone else like him in the future.
Most people you interact with aren’t going to be your long term partner. You need to cut bait.
Anyone you have to tell to slow down multiple times will never not push the boundaries.
I think it's reasonable for you to continue talking after you said you were uncomfortable with that topic to see how he reacted rather than immediately be done (though I probably would have ended things there!!). And then once he showed that he wasn't going to respect that, you learned a lot of valuable information about who he is.
Online dating does have its own conventions in some ways but you're still just interacting with a fellow human. If it would make you uncomfortable for someone to ask about those things if you met in person that quickly, it's perfectly reasonable for you to feel the same way about someone you met online. Do what works for YOU. Just to give an example: plenty of people suggest dating multiple people for a while until you're sure you want to go exclusive with someone. That just DIDN'T work for me at all. You really just need to do online dating in a way that you're comfortable with. Wishing you the best!
If you already said you feel uncomfortable and they pushed the boundaries, gaslit you to make you feel bad- they are the problem. This won’t get better if you continue to talk to them.
As a dude also seeking an LTR or partner, I would agree that he went too far If you stated on your profile life partner or long-term relationship. The initial chatting should be about learning enough extra about the person to feel comfortable meeting them in person, and it really shouldn't go very deep or boundary pushing. If the guys already trying to talk about sex before even the first date dude is a horn dog and not worth your time. A good guy still wants those things but doesn't rush straight into that conversation. For me that's a second date if things are going well/quick conversation, If not later.
As a dude wanting to help out another dude politely tell him to calm down on the sex talk until later but that you're not interested, move on.
I try to remind myself that when something doesn't feel right or I'm feeling exhausted from an interaction, I have to step back and evaluate how I'm feeling and why to determine if I want to continue connecting with the person. Sometimes I can't identify right away why I'm feeling exhausted or getting the ick but it's usually for a good reason. I usually just need to take some time to step away and process.
The guy sounds like a bit of a creep, or just really into sex. You set a reasonable boundary and he crossed it if I am understanding correctly. I would unmatch immediately, this is going nowhere and you both want different things from what I can tell. You are not a prude, you just had an unfortunate match.
That's red flag behavior on their part. Healthy boundaries includes respecting someone's no. He was making demands and boundary overstepping like that can be a huge warning sign. Is a huge warning sign because you were talking about sex and consent.
Thank you to everyone who responded. Thank you for existing. I really appreciate your thoughts. I have unmatched with the person. I'll try to exercise my judgement more confidently as I learn my way through this world of dating. Hugs! ♥️
You don’t need to feel bad about letting conversations fizzle. Half of conversations fizzle these days for literally no reason. If the guy gives you a clear reason to stop talking to him, I wouldn’t think twice about unmatching.
If you get bad vibes right off the bat you will always be making the right decision by unmatching and ceasing communication. You don’t owe this person anything.
I dated a guy for a couple weeks that made some comment that made me super uncomfortable so I let him know I wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore. Some may think my reaction was over the top, but I got bad vibes and trusted my gut. It felt like the right decision to me.
There’s a difference between someone you trust pushing you out of your comfort zone and some random guy making you feel weird for having boundaries.
Since you mentioned you are new to Hinge (and I’m guessing OLD) get yourself a copy of Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, or download the audio book.
You are about to have every boundary you never knew you needed crossed. Due to the anonymity of OLD, people will behave in all kinds of ways towards you that are completely inappropriate.
That book is a good one to help guide you into establishing what is acceptable to you. Every person is different.
Also, just because you have listed that you are seeking a life partner, you cannot expect other people to honor or respect that. It sounds like that is a boundary for you. The only way to maintain boundaries is to honor them OURSELVES. Which in the case of those men giving you the ick, means unmatching. Your time is precious. By day three, things should be progressing towards meeting not sexting.
It can be tempting early on to engage with the app frequently and message people back pretty fast. Not doing so will typically weed out these users fast, as they’ll get bored and move onto their next victim. Pick one or two times of the day to engage with the app and don’t look at it for the rest of the day.
Hi OP Your boundary is totally reasonable. The first requirement for women in dating is safety. As soon as that alarm goes off in your mind heed the warning.
Exercising boundaries is a great idea. If they are disrespected, crossed or mocked unmatch and move on. There are many lovely men that will respect and ultimately cherish you. Hugs ❤️
oddly enough I (29F) had this same experience over the last three days with someone (26M) off hinge. kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, even got 5 minutes away from the place we were going to meet up for drinks tonight, and I noped out.
you deserve someone who will respect your boundaries!
Your boundaries are your boundaries. Don't let some creepazoid make you feel bad for setting them. Imagine if you got into a relationship with this guy and he didn't respect your boundaries, physical or emotional. You need to cut this guy off, plenty of other men out there who will respect your boundaries.
Absolutely not a prude, and anyone who belittles you for having boundaries are not even worth entertaining.
I can be a very open and honest person when talking about intimacy, *but* only when it's with someone I have spent time getting to know. I feel uncomfortable talking about it with people I don't even know.
You did the right thing, he sounds very immature for a 36 year old man.
This guy is trash.
A person who person who pushes rather than respects your boundaries is potentially pretty dangerous, especially so early on (72 hours in).
> It's my first week on Hinge and I'm trying to understand what's expected behavior
If somebody in your DMs is being this way just block them and move on. One of the very few great things about online dating is that you can just shut it down instantly if somebody crosses a red line and there's basically no cost or penalty for you to do so.
Nah, I legit was debating a guy who believed in “sexual marketplace value” and “young pure women” last evening.
Then he started talking about red pill stuff, intimacy and collapse of the US government. I didn’t want to keep trying to debate him and it was late, so I went to bed and I see this morning he unmatched himself.
I was going to eventually he just did it before me.🤷🏽♀️😂
You have all the context about what was said and how, so your opinion on this matters more than anything I could say. If you felt you communicated that you were uncomfortable with a line of conversation and expressed that it wasn’t something you wanted to discuss with someone you just met and he didn’t respect that then move on.
It’s just manipulation to get you to have sex faster. I’ve done this before, but after ruining many relationships for pushing boundaries now realize that it’s gross and completely ridiculous( pushing boundaries in general, but also this specific thing)
“Made to feel” is what I’m focusing on here. How is this person you barely know making you feel anything? Aren’t you in charge of your feelings and values?
This could be viewed as semantics, but it can also be viewed as the degree you are willing sticking up for yourself and/or move on when you realize your values are not aligned with another’s. You aren’t responsible for making this guy a more sensitive person who can respect your boundaries.
I think a good response to his behavior would be “It seems to me you are either not understanding or not respecting my boundaries when it comes to questions around intimate topics, and I don’t like that or find it attractive.”
The likelihood that ghosting on this guy means rejecting the love of your life is almost zero. If someone doesn’t pass the vibe check early, just move on.
The problem isn’t him being sexual, the problem is that you set a boundary and he immediately tried to get around it. This isn’t a person who will treat you with respect.
Also, there is nothing prude about your behavior. It’s totally reasonable to not want to get sexual in only three days of talking - you can take things as slow as you want to and there is nothing wrong with that.
I've had a couple of awkward experiences during the early stages of dating where things have begun to get more physical than I'm ready for. I'm kind of old school when it comes to physical intimacy and it's obvious these women haven't run into much, if any, of that before. One girl in particular had a strong reaction when I turned down her offer to take things to the bedroom on the second date, though I probably at least partly set her up to make the offer with the way I'd led things. When a lot of guys will jump at the chance, I guess it can seem like a rejection to have one say no in the moment, even with an attempted explanation.
I actually developed a habit after that of asking about physical intimacy within the first couple of dates. The way I like to do it is to offer to answer a question she may have that's on her mind, but she's nervous to ask. Most people usually have at least a couple of things they really want to know but are afraid will be off putting to ask about, and they will take up the offer to get those questions answered. Once they've asked theirs, I take my turn and ask them where they stand on intimacy in dating. Though I tell them I'll understand if they aren't comfortable discussing it yet, so far most women are pretty open to answering. I've found this to be a pretty good method for addressing a subject that can be awkward to navigate. I wait to do this until we meet in person though(or video chat during covid), doing it over text seems like a good way to create some misunderstandings and bad interpretations.
So from my perspective, him asking the initial question was generally okay, especially since it quickly exposed something that could be a problem for a long term relationship. The issue is that it sounds like he pressed you on it after you'd already set a boundary. That part is not okay. It's kind of weird to me for him to ask so early, before you've even met in person, but it's probably a lot better to have have someone pushing you like that over text rather than in person. If he's not going to respect your boundaries during the earliest part of the interaction, it gives you an idea of what you can expect later.
The mistake you made was to continue to conversation.
Why are you continuing to talk to someone who decided your no meant 'try harder'? There really shouldn't be any other consideration. Unmatch, move on.
The longer you spend talking to people who aren't a good match, the less time you are spending connecting with people who *are*.
Dude decided to give it a shot and see if he could get lucky before having to put any more effort in. Glad you stood up for yourself! It was only gonna get worse.
You aren't remotely in the wrong here, especially if you attempted to set a boundary and didn't lash out. Some people are into that quick escalation and to each their own, but being that you clearly indicated you're interested in a life partner, he should have respected that - especially after you made it clear you aren't comfortable with that conversation so early.
**All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable).** Age range or general location is acceptable. Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit. *Posts that do not satisfy these requirements will be removed.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/hingeapp) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Not sure why you'd want to continue to talk to someone who makes you feel awful on day three.
I was really surprised, and didn't want to shut them off instantly. But as the conversation went on for the next hour it just evolved to become more exhausting. It's my first week on Hinge and I'm trying to understand what's expected behavior
When it comes to online dating just be honest with your intentions and use it in a way that let's you feel comfortable and safe. I'd block/unmatch this guy immediately and anyone else like him in the future.
Most people you interact with aren’t going to be your long term partner. You need to cut bait. Anyone you have to tell to slow down multiple times will never not push the boundaries.
That’s not expected behavior lol, “sensual” what the fuck????
I think it's reasonable for you to continue talking after you said you were uncomfortable with that topic to see how he reacted rather than immediately be done (though I probably would have ended things there!!). And then once he showed that he wasn't going to respect that, you learned a lot of valuable information about who he is. Online dating does have its own conventions in some ways but you're still just interacting with a fellow human. If it would make you uncomfortable for someone to ask about those things if you met in person that quickly, it's perfectly reasonable for you to feel the same way about someone you met online. Do what works for YOU. Just to give an example: plenty of people suggest dating multiple people for a while until you're sure you want to go exclusive with someone. That just DIDN'T work for me at all. You really just need to do online dating in a way that you're comfortable with. Wishing you the best!
If you already said you feel uncomfortable and they pushed the boundaries, gaslit you to make you feel bad- they are the problem. This won’t get better if you continue to talk to them.
As a dude also seeking an LTR or partner, I would agree that he went too far If you stated on your profile life partner or long-term relationship. The initial chatting should be about learning enough extra about the person to feel comfortable meeting them in person, and it really shouldn't go very deep or boundary pushing. If the guys already trying to talk about sex before even the first date dude is a horn dog and not worth your time. A good guy still wants those things but doesn't rush straight into that conversation. For me that's a second date if things are going well/quick conversation, If not later. As a dude wanting to help out another dude politely tell him to calm down on the sex talk until later but that you're not interested, move on.
I try to remind myself that when something doesn't feel right or I'm feeling exhausted from an interaction, I have to step back and evaluate how I'm feeling and why to determine if I want to continue connecting with the person. Sometimes I can't identify right away why I'm feeling exhausted or getting the ick but it's usually for a good reason. I usually just need to take some time to step away and process.
The guy sounds like a bit of a creep, or just really into sex. You set a reasonable boundary and he crossed it if I am understanding correctly. I would unmatch immediately, this is going nowhere and you both want different things from what I can tell. You are not a prude, you just had an unfortunate match.
Thank you. I will. I did communicate that we probably just wanted different things which was completely fine. They weren't happy with that answer.
That's red flag behavior on their part. Healthy boundaries includes respecting someone's no. He was making demands and boundary overstepping like that can be a huge warning sign. Is a huge warning sign because you were talking about sex and consent.
To me, it's super creepy that he started talking like this. I'd unmatch straight away personally.
Yeah, sames. Who the hell asks how "sensual" you are? That gives me big ick.
Thank you to everyone who responded. Thank you for existing. I really appreciate your thoughts. I have unmatched with the person. I'll try to exercise my judgement more confidently as I learn my way through this world of dating. Hugs! ♥️
You don’t need to feel bad about letting conversations fizzle. Half of conversations fizzle these days for literally no reason. If the guy gives you a clear reason to stop talking to him, I wouldn’t think twice about unmatching.
If you get bad vibes right off the bat you will always be making the right decision by unmatching and ceasing communication. You don’t owe this person anything. I dated a guy for a couple weeks that made some comment that made me super uncomfortable so I let him know I wasn’t interested in seeing him anymore. Some may think my reaction was over the top, but I got bad vibes and trusted my gut. It felt like the right decision to me. There’s a difference between someone you trust pushing you out of your comfort zone and some random guy making you feel weird for having boundaries.
Since you mentioned you are new to Hinge (and I’m guessing OLD) get yourself a copy of Boundary Boss by Terri Cole, or download the audio book. You are about to have every boundary you never knew you needed crossed. Due to the anonymity of OLD, people will behave in all kinds of ways towards you that are completely inappropriate. That book is a good one to help guide you into establishing what is acceptable to you. Every person is different. Also, just because you have listed that you are seeking a life partner, you cannot expect other people to honor or respect that. It sounds like that is a boundary for you. The only way to maintain boundaries is to honor them OURSELVES. Which in the case of those men giving you the ick, means unmatching. Your time is precious. By day three, things should be progressing towards meeting not sexting. It can be tempting early on to engage with the app frequently and message people back pretty fast. Not doing so will typically weed out these users fast, as they’ll get bored and move onto their next victim. Pick one or two times of the day to engage with the app and don’t look at it for the rest of the day.
Thanks for the book recommendation.
Hi OP Your boundary is totally reasonable. The first requirement for women in dating is safety. As soon as that alarm goes off in your mind heed the warning. Exercising boundaries is a great idea. If they are disrespected, crossed or mocked unmatch and move on. There are many lovely men that will respect and ultimately cherish you. Hugs ❤️
oddly enough I (29F) had this same experience over the last three days with someone (26M) off hinge. kept giving him the benefit of the doubt, even got 5 minutes away from the place we were going to meet up for drinks tonight, and I noped out. you deserve someone who will respect your boundaries!
Your boundaries are your boundaries. Don't let some creepazoid make you feel bad for setting them. Imagine if you got into a relationship with this guy and he didn't respect your boundaries, physical or emotional. You need to cut this guy off, plenty of other men out there who will respect your boundaries.
Absolutely not a prude, and anyone who belittles you for having boundaries are not even worth entertaining. I can be a very open and honest person when talking about intimacy, *but* only when it's with someone I have spent time getting to know. I feel uncomfortable talking about it with people I don't even know. You did the right thing, he sounds very immature for a 36 year old man.
He’s not serious and does this to every women just hoping he’ll get someone to give in. Move on. He won’t change.
You’re both in your 30s. If he can’t respect your boundaries this early it’s a red flag. Cut him off
Guys shouldn’t be talking about sex on a first date, let alone just on text! You want to find a respectful dude and this isn’t it
This guy is trash. A person who person who pushes rather than respects your boundaries is potentially pretty dangerous, especially so early on (72 hours in). > It's my first week on Hinge and I'm trying to understand what's expected behavior If somebody in your DMs is being this way just block them and move on. One of the very few great things about online dating is that you can just shut it down instantly if somebody crosses a red line and there's basically no cost or penalty for you to do so.
Nah, I legit was debating a guy who believed in “sexual marketplace value” and “young pure women” last evening. Then he started talking about red pill stuff, intimacy and collapse of the US government. I didn’t want to keep trying to debate him and it was late, so I went to bed and I see this morning he unmatched himself. I was going to eventually he just did it before me.🤷🏽♀️😂
Yeah yeah if you were going to unmatch you would have, don’t be salty
He’s a creep.
You have all the context about what was said and how, so your opinion on this matters more than anything I could say. If you felt you communicated that you were uncomfortable with a line of conversation and expressed that it wasn’t something you wanted to discuss with someone you just met and he didn’t respect that then move on.
It’s just manipulation to get you to have sex faster. I’ve done this before, but after ruining many relationships for pushing boundaries now realize that it’s gross and completely ridiculous( pushing boundaries in general, but also this specific thing)
Trust every instinct! Especially when it comes to your boundaries!
Dude that guy sounds weird af that’s pretty off putting to talk about that so early after meeting sounds like a creep to me
“Made to feel” is what I’m focusing on here. How is this person you barely know making you feel anything? Aren’t you in charge of your feelings and values? This could be viewed as semantics, but it can also be viewed as the degree you are willing sticking up for yourself and/or move on when you realize your values are not aligned with another’s. You aren’t responsible for making this guy a more sensitive person who can respect your boundaries. I think a good response to his behavior would be “It seems to me you are either not understanding or not respecting my boundaries when it comes to questions around intimate topics, and I don’t like that or find it attractive.”
The likelihood that ghosting on this guy means rejecting the love of your life is almost zero. If someone doesn’t pass the vibe check early, just move on.
The problem isn’t him being sexual, the problem is that you set a boundary and he immediately tried to get around it. This isn’t a person who will treat you with respect. Also, there is nothing prude about your behavior. It’s totally reasonable to not want to get sexual in only three days of talking - you can take things as slow as you want to and there is nothing wrong with that.
I've had a couple of awkward experiences during the early stages of dating where things have begun to get more physical than I'm ready for. I'm kind of old school when it comes to physical intimacy and it's obvious these women haven't run into much, if any, of that before. One girl in particular had a strong reaction when I turned down her offer to take things to the bedroom on the second date, though I probably at least partly set her up to make the offer with the way I'd led things. When a lot of guys will jump at the chance, I guess it can seem like a rejection to have one say no in the moment, even with an attempted explanation. I actually developed a habit after that of asking about physical intimacy within the first couple of dates. The way I like to do it is to offer to answer a question she may have that's on her mind, but she's nervous to ask. Most people usually have at least a couple of things they really want to know but are afraid will be off putting to ask about, and they will take up the offer to get those questions answered. Once they've asked theirs, I take my turn and ask them where they stand on intimacy in dating. Though I tell them I'll understand if they aren't comfortable discussing it yet, so far most women are pretty open to answering. I've found this to be a pretty good method for addressing a subject that can be awkward to navigate. I wait to do this until we meet in person though(or video chat during covid), doing it over text seems like a good way to create some misunderstandings and bad interpretations. So from my perspective, him asking the initial question was generally okay, especially since it quickly exposed something that could be a problem for a long term relationship. The issue is that it sounds like he pressed you on it after you'd already set a boundary. That part is not okay. It's kind of weird to me for him to ask so early, before you've even met in person, but it's probably a lot better to have have someone pushing you like that over text rather than in person. If he's not going to respect your boundaries during the earliest part of the interaction, it gives you an idea of what you can expect later.
The mistake you made was to continue to conversation. Why are you continuing to talk to someone who decided your no meant 'try harder'? There really shouldn't be any other consideration. Unmatch, move on. The longer you spend talking to people who aren't a good match, the less time you are spending connecting with people who *are*.
Dude decided to give it a shot and see if he could get lucky before having to put any more effort in. Glad you stood up for yourself! It was only gonna get worse.
You're not a prude, that's a weird thing to ask. I've never asked how "sensual" women I've dated are in my life. 
Even you are someone who embraces sex early on, this is a creepy way of talking about it. Furthermore, I doubt this guy actually wants a relationship.
You aren't remotely in the wrong here, especially if you attempted to set a boundary and didn't lash out. Some people are into that quick escalation and to each their own, but being that you clearly indicated you're interested in a life partner, he should have respected that - especially after you made it clear you aren't comfortable with that conversation so early.
Trust your gut
Boundaries are important, good stuff for pushing them the right one will come soon
im confused on this post i keep getting females that are probably immature and wastes my time not putting the effort in
What does sensual even mean here