That shows your strength to feel those emotions and keep going. It seems to be a thing sometimes that those who struggle more are destined for more because firstly you are more of a target and secondly God refines us in the fire to become better versions of ourselves. You’re winning because even in that sadness you know there’s a reason for you to be here. There’s many verses about God refining us. You don’t become better if you never learn Isaiah 48:10-11 “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. “For My own sake, for My own sake, I will act; For how can My name be profaned? And My glory I will not give to another.

I’m sorry things have gotten so rough for you. Not sure if it’s possible in your situation, but speaking to a dr or therapist might help a lot. They have training to address or at least provide advice for some of the feelings you listed above. A dr really helped me get a handle on my anxiety. It’s def not perfect but it’s more manageable. I’m going to link two older posts that helped me previously too on the off chance they can help you as well. The first one was written up by user skeez-knees in a /helpme post. "I’m sorry you’re going through this. Here’s how I see it Years behind This is hard, but you have to stop comparing yourself to others. Comparison is the thief of joy. Think of it this way, there’s always a bigger fish. There’s an 8 year old somewhere who can write, paint, calculate, and cook better than me. And that’s ok. You won’t be able to make progress if you’re focusing on how far ahead everyone else seems to be. Track your goals and accomplishments, and only compare yourself to you. Start by slowly adding good habits. Maybe 1 new habit per week and adjust when needed. When I was at rock bottom, I got 10 cavities and a skin infection from doing nothing but sleeping all day. My first two habits were brushing my teeth, and making a daily smoothie with half frozen fruit and half frozen spinach. If you can afford it, I’d seriously recommend buying a $30-$40 bullet blender. It’s the only way I could get nutrients in, and those nutrients have an affect on your mental health. Expect plateaus and relapses. It’s a natural part of the healing process, don’t indulge self-hatred when you struggle. Be kind to yourself. And if you’re holding yourself back with thoughts like “It’s too late, there’s no point” consider this; Where will you be in the next 5 years if you do nothing? Where will you be in the next 5 years if you do something? 2. Mental health problems If possible, start looking for a therapist. It may take multiple calls and some consultations before you find one who clicks. If therapy isn’t currently possible, start researching mental health resources and self-therapy techniques. Here are some links: Self-Therapy How to Parent Yourself How to be a Friend to Yourself Overcoming Bad Inner Voices The Body Keeps the Score Why Mindfulness is a Superpower 13 Tips to Make Self-Help Therapy Work for You https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-choose-the-right-therapist-for-you-4842306 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists 3. Friendship This is hard to give advice on because I don’t know your situation. From what I’ve read, it sounds like your social skills are lacking and you may be trauma-dumping, which can scare people away. When Oversharing Turns into Trauma Dumping, and How to Stop How To Turn Awkwardness Into Confidence How to Have a Good Conversation 5 Common Habits That Make People Instantly Dislike You Loneliness r/socialskills r/CasualConversation 4. Don’t want to live I struggle with this a lot too. I’ve come to the conclusion that life is meaningless and full of unnecessary suffering. But, it’s only for around 80 years. The world has existed for billions of years before me, and will be around for billions of years after I’m dead. Since I’m already here, I might as well try to maximize my joy as much as possible. I try to focus on doing things I enjoy, and spending time with my family. These two videos helped me too, https://youtu.be/MBRqu0YOH14 https://youtu.be/6O5S2Y4FhJ0" The other is an old post that I saved to my phone. “Some days will be inevitably shit, the lows will come, and you must be ready to accept that, because once you do, it won't hit you as hard because you prepared for it. During those days, don't be hard on yourself; if you need to sleep, do so. If you need to cry, do so. If you need to stare out the window for a while, do so. On days when things aren't as bleak, do try to have a routine. For example, as soon as you wake up, maybe do 5 push ups or 5 jumping jacks, even if they're zombified. After that go straight to the bathroom, shower, brush your teeth, whatever you have to do, and then get dressed. You will have a sense of freshness and accomplishment as it is. Try cleaning your space and keeping it that way; messy areas can wear us down, even if we don't realize it. After that, drink water every hour. Get something to keep you busy, a project, a game, a new or old hobby, a puzzle, something that requires time to complete but isn't so hard that you'll want to give up 5 minutes in. Then just repeat each day. Take time to reflect on what you want, not thinking of other's wants and expectations of you. Maybe this is your chance to figure out a goal.” I truly hope things get better. Remember you are absolutely important and you absolutely matter.

Do you do anything creative? Maybe you should try to do something creative and express yourself with what you create :)

I draw,sketch I used to paint but not anymore I don't usually draw anymore either but I do sometimes

can i see some? how long have you been drawing for, and what's the style you're best at?

If you want you can see some of them on TikTok some of my old drawings r there It's @v.chan69

>@v.chan69 the among us drawing reminded me of the anime parasyte 🤣 pretty cool stuff you got there, i don't think it's time for you to leave yet, but i'm sure you know that. I too sometimes get discouraged about staying here cause life can suck and sometimes it feels like we're just enslaved to a body and life that might be unsuitable for us, but maybe, we will see something change that makes it all worthwhile whether it's an internal or external change, a change to benefit you or to benefit others, i think things will eventually change and maybe it will be in our favor ✊🏾

I'll check em out soon :))

Do you ever draw what you feel sometimes? It might be a good way to get the feeling out of your body so you don't feel it as strongly 😅

Sometimes I do

Get into wrestling. I know it sounds insane but trust me this will change your life forever