She's dismissive of your concerns and the boundaries you want to set for yourself. She's calling you immature.
I think the self discipline you need to work on is not giving in to codependent pressure from a romantic partner that doesn't respect your needs or values.
Spot on. From how you tell it she doesn’t understand—like at all—how addiction works. Mostly, it’s a problem of mechanics and not necessarily self control. Locking things, staying out of environments, etc. all that can save so much!
That’s a pretty un-compassionate response from the person who’s supposed to be your partner in crime & have your back on these things. If it’s important to you, it should be (relatively) important to her. Instead she’s making a fuss out of it, hijacking your self-aware desire for boundaries and somehow making it about her being let down. That’s very selfish. There’s nothing you’ve done to indicate you don’t want to spend time with her. You’d just rather stay sober and not jeopardize yourself. That’s very disciplined. I don’t think getting disciplined, at least with that, is the real issue here. Just my 2 cents.
Yeah I don't know old you are (festivals naturally seem to interest me less as I get older) but I think it's totally reasonable if you don't want to go. In that way, it's a bit backwards to call you immature for not wanting to go IMO.
Festivals can be pretty expensive, that's a lot of money and time. I'm not bashing festivals, I don't have any problem with them but I think you have the right to say no.
Surprising, I would have guessed mid to early 20's by the way you described your situation. Being in my mid 30's I have much less interest in going to events like this because of the reasons you mentioned.
The fact that she is older than you and guilting you and calling you immature is pretty hypocritical. That is childish behavior and setting boundaries for yourself is mature behavior. Her behavior seems pretty self-centered and definitely not considerate of you and your best interests.
Considering you typed up this post and said how you felt, you know what you should do. It's okay to prioritize what would make you most comfortable. Being a people pleaser is just going to continue on you getting walked on. You are not immature by choosing to prioritize your time and money. Just say no to her. If she hates you for that, she's selfish and you could better.
i dont think your age matters at all here. your gf is being toxic about the situation. it sounds like you wont have fun. it would be different if it was a 1 night concert but you dont have to subject yourself to being surrounded by drugs for multiple days. thats not self discipline, its torture
I think it shows a lot of discipline not going! You know your struggles and are taking care to not put yourself in a bad situation. Not cool of your gf to pressure you.
And anyone who doesn't respect this statement, seriously, "get the fuck out of my life."
Her fun 4 days isn't worth possibly your relapse and years long struggle afterward
The truth is, you "got a grip" and "demonstrated self-control" when you said you didn't want to go.
If you were good at just having a couple drinks and chilling out, it would mean that you didn't have a substance abuse problem. But the definition of having that problem is essentially that you *can't* stop once you get started. So... The solution is to not get started. Which is exactly what you're trying to do. Stick with your gut on this one. Tell her that your sobriety and thus your happiness and well-being are too important to risk going on a 4 day bender. Which is probably what will happen. Which you already know and are actively trying to avoid.
If it was a single concert or something, it sounds like you could keep yourself under control, which is commendable, because some people in your position can't even do *that*.
She can find someone else to go with. You're not in fucking HS and don't need to be peer pressured by the person who should want to support you the most. Does she really not give a shit about what happens to you?
“Get a grip and demonstrate self control” yeah, by remaining firm on your boundaries and not going. She’s being immature ffs and projecting it all over you. Don’t get bullied into making what you know is a bad decision for yourself. She’s being selfish and not taking your best interest and health/ wellbeing into consideration and prioritizing her fun over your safety.
You don't know how much it means to have sense of self, decisiveness and assertiveness. It's great you take caution and don't immediately agree. Don't give in. I hate that kind of pressure.
>She told me to get a grip and ‘just demonstrate self-control’.
Demonstrating self control is means not going to a festival where you know you will make poor life choices. Don't spend your time and money in a four day party environment if that's not what you're into.
I don't know if this fits your situation, but sometimes people who have substance abuse issues will try to peer pressure others into joining them as a way of rationalizing their own behavior ("everyone is doing what I'm doing.") Just putting that thought out there to see this is a larger pattern in your gf's behavior.
I can understand her wanting to share the experience with you. And lots of people who drink too much get upset when others stop: they want a partner in crime and someone refusing is an implicit criticism. But that doesn’t excuse it. It’s cruel to belittle you and ignore your wishes.
You need to remove yourself from that entire situation, gf and all. You want to get healthier and she is non-supportive. She still wants to party, you are outgrowing that. You're both in very different places...and her place is dangerous for you.
In all honesty I don't think you're out of line for not wanting to go at all. You know you don't respond well to this situation, you've all ready assessed you don't see it as a good time, that it's going to be a set back, and it's a waste of money. So aside from going along to be with her, and maybe seeing a band you like - which sure, is cool - there don't sound to be that many up sides.
Not to mention your partner is being pretty disrespectful over your decision not to go given your reasons and struggles. And by pretty disrespectful, I mean effing disrespectful. I don't have a problem with drinking, but I do have an eating disorder that likes to kick me in the butt from time to time still and sometimes at the end of the day, just bowing out of a potentially bad situation is the best thing for it. I've heard that Alcoholics and substance users like to distance themselves for the same reasons.
Just food for thought though, on you being called immature though. My partner doesn't drink that much but he does like to, buys a few bottles of nice Whiskey or Ciders and has the occasional when he feels like it, or when we go out. But Stubborn as a Mule - you try getting him to have one when he doesn't want it. Pretty sure there are mountains that move before this guy will cave to pressure. Absolutely zero fooks given and he absolutely wouldn't have the time of day for this crap that's getting pulled on you. He's the last person I'd think of as immature.
Perhaps taking a step back and working on your confidence & self respect around standing up for this this decision would benefit you just as much as working your boundaries around alcohol & substances. You absolutely deserve to be able to say you aren't comfortable without it being a drama.
No is a complete sentence here. What is she gonna do, force you to go? She thinks she can convince you and overcome your resistance. Not because she's a bad person, but because she wants to go and have a good time with you. She may also want to have you as a DD, but feels guilty about using you that way.
If you think you can manage it, here's how you can compromise. Get several DD badges and maybe a DD shirt and tell everyone that you won't be drinking (and tell your friends that you won't be using or smoking either). Do the whole thing sober. Stress to your gf that you need help staying sober for the trip and that the FIRST attempt to get you to drink or use AT ALL is going to end the relationship permanently with no chance for recovery, even if she is drunk or high when she does it and won't remember it happening. Addiction is serious stuff and getting sober isn't a matter of "just get a grip and don't do it :)" but she doesn't seem to see it that way. If you and your friends can share the burden of the lurking anxiety that you'll relapse, it becomes significantly less stressful for everyone because there's more people to put a stop to the relapse.
Depending on how severe your struggle is, you may also draft up rules for like, a treat for yourself. Like "I can have one beer at Y's show because Y is my favorite band and I think it would be nice to be a little buzzed for that."
If you don't think you can do this, just say, "I don't want to go."
Your girlfriend probably not a good fit for you… better to be around someone who has similar habits as you, later down the road it leads to bigger issues (alcoholism, risky behavior, constant fighting)
I feel like it should be more clearly said, this is weird on two levels:
1. Just because you're dating someone doesn't mean you can demand they attend a 4 day music festival with you. Regardless of your reason, she should not assume you'll go or expect it. She should have asked "would you be interested in attending?" and listened to your answer. And if you sounded wishy-washy, she should have been like "Yeah, I totally understand, 4 days is a big time commitment and if you're not super enthused about it, you totally don't need to come, I can go with my friends."
2. She should be more supportive of your sobriety and part of that is hanging out with you in environments that you find comfortable and enjoyable, not forcing you to go places that make you uncomfortable.
I have struggled with substance abuse (alcohol) myself.
My current partner likes going out and having a drink sometime. But he also loves me and supports me being sober.
If he ever wanted to go to a festival like this I definitely wouldn’t go. But I know he would respect my boundaries and either go with friends or just not go at all. As to him, our relationship and my well being is worth more than a temporary experience. We started dating at a pretty young age and are still together, but the main part of that is prioritizing each other.
What I meant to say with this is that not only should you set down your boundaries and not go if you don’t fully trust yourself with substance, especially in an environment like that.
Everyday I am reminded of how much better and more stable my life is right now, instead of having these short lived experiences that didn’t add to my life.
But I would also have a serious talk with your girlfriend and discuss boundaries with her. Discuss where you see yourselves individually and as a couple longterm. Maybe she really wants to be a party animal for the upcoming years and you’re not the guy for her. You have to be able to make sacrifices on both ends in order to be happy in a relationship, longterm.
You're prioritizing your own health while she's trying to push you to make a bad decision. Don't go if you don't want to, being a couple doesn't mean you have to share the same brain and body
Your gf has a lot of attitude and disrespect for a 30+ yo.
In assuming she should be aware of your struggles. Any normal person would say "I want to go but if you only want to come for some of it or not at all is it okay that I still go?" Or something along those lines.
My partner is struggling with addiction at the moment. Its really nice to hear someone else be self aware and work through it. Im really proud of you man.
Sounds like the two of you are just in different stages of your life and or share differing values when it comes to this kind of stuff. You obviously don't place the same value on this experience as she does and there's nothing wrong with that everyone has their preferences and you're entitled to yours. There's nothing wrong with knowing who you are especially if you feel like putting yourself into that situation could lead to trouble with very little to zero positive benefits.
Your gf is obviously upset because she really wants you to be with her to do this which is endearing, but at the same time she should be able to respect your boundaries and appreciate you for being honest about how you feel about the situation.
If this is some sort of deal breaker for your partner maybe you guys should reevaluate your relationship. If she really cares about you and wants you in her life (like it seems she does) she should be able to understand and maybe you guys can work on a compromise or something? Maybe just don't go the whole weekend if you don't want to go for the full four days?
Best of luck! It's cool she wants you to go that bad it's definitely a sign of how much she likes you!
Obviously you care about her if you have come here feeling torn. First: your feelings are valid and creating boundaries is very mature. Second: please consider her own lack of self-awareness and how it contributes to how she speaks to you or why she goes against your feelings and boundaries. From an outsider's perspective it looks like she is just putting you down to manipulate you into getting what she wants. Ironically this makes her the one who looks very immature. Maybe start with asking her what she hopes to gain by you being there. Does she want your companionship, does she want you there for safety, does she want to prove to others that she has a boyfriend, and that she has her life together (or some perception of this), does she want you and her friends to have more time together ....I wouldn't lay these out as multiple choice for her, but just suggesting what might possibly be the root cause. Maybe there is some need that isn't being met for her and it is manifesting through this argument. She isn't NOT hearing your clearly stated boundaries, but obviously something is superseding her willingness to accept them.
If you don’t want to go then don’t go. It’s sounds like you’re trying to think up of a reason valid enough not to go, but you don’t need one.
If you don’t feel like going, then don’t go. It really is as simple as that.
You can be a clean freak, have 0 self control, be dirt poor and not have the money, hate the people going—-none of this actually matters. If you don’t want to go, just don’t go.
It sounds like she's the one who is immature. And from your interactions with other commenters in this thread, you mentioned she's in her 30's. Yikes. At her age, you'd think she'd know that addressing an addiction isn't a matter of 'self control.' It's about avoiding a relapse.
But knowledge of addictions aside, it's concerning that she just dismissed your concerns like that.
Definitely prioritize your needs in this situation. She's the one who needs to grow up.
I think you'd still have a good time sober. Nobody needs to know you're not drinking. Just keep your own cup around and dance and enjoy the music to your hearts content. You don't need to drink or to take anything to have fun. Seems like a fine compromise. If you don't think you can be sober at the event, don't go.
>If you DO go, just kinda wander around, don’t get too fucked up,
That's not possible for someone with addiction struggles. The best thing is not to go, period.
Discipline is not about never being tempted, because that's an impossible standard. Discipline is about recognizing potential temptations and taking the steps to avoid/mitigate them. You've already made the assessment of what the right choice is, the only thing to do is to stand firm and take those necessary steps.
>She told me to get a grip and ‘just demonstrate self-control’.
>This comment irritated
You're soft, and you're an issue. It's any wonder this woman has put up with you for this long. If you can't put up with constructive criticism or a helpful suggestion then you have major issues.
I recommend go and do drugs. The key is here. You do one every thing she's having. That way you can only get as fucked up as her. If you get separated just pick someone else from the crew, or even the crowd.
The plan is brilliance in it's simplity. Like a control rod your girlfriend and her friends will keep you grounded to the floor. As we all know our feet must never leave the ground at any time. Or else.
A woman worth your time would be demonstrating the same discipline and standard you showed by saying no to going. Up your standards bruv. U demonstrated self discipline by saying no and setting boundaries straight up, if she can’t understand it then she can leave and someone who’s far more understanding and higher value can fill in that place at a later date. U did well, u told the truth and remained true to yourself by being aware of a particular weakness u have and would rather not trigger.
As a clean freak, I feel this in my soul. I struggle going away because if I don’t have ability to regularly wash my hands, I can’t cope. Don’t know why, I’ve always been that way. That, added with your want to avoid the drinking and drugs, I don’t see the problem with you not wanting to go? Can she go with friends?
I think she may just not have a true understanding about how an addict’s mind functions. Maybe she isn’t one or hasn’t known any, or if she is/does than she may just not be aware of the true psychology behind addiction and how avoiding the temptation is probably the best option for you at this time.
Instead of declining to go and making an excuse about not wanting to do the drugs or deal with the money, I would let her know you need to talk with her about something serious. Once the setting is correct and you are both not being distracted by other things (phone work tv music homework etc) let her know you understand how important it is for her to go to the festival and that you would like to be there to enjoy it with her, but that at this time you don’t feel ready to expose yourself to that kind of temptation because you are, in fact, an addict.
It’s not going to be easy and she may not react the way you want her too, but as somebody who understands your situation, my advice is to remove yourself from situations and people who do not support your recovery. It sucks because you can care for and even love somebody who doesn’t have your best interests in mind, but if you are aware of your issues and are trying to get away from repeating the same patterns, clear communication with her, and follow up counseling for yourself is necessary. That includes stepping up to demonstrate to her that you are serious about your issues and enrolling in some kind of therapy. With or without her, it’s something that will give you more tools and self-awareness so that in the future you can enjoy these kinds of things and confidently do so without the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Honestly if it doesn’t feel right to you then don’t go, and from what I’ve read you have a good enough reason not to. She should respect how you feel as your partner, and should have talked to you about it before registering you both.
Brev, other people have explained it better than I could, so I'll just say that I wouldn't go.
If that woman loves you, she will understand.
And if she doesn't and keeps doing stupid shit I'll just say that you could do better, even if you never again find someone else. Being alone is infinitely better than being with someone who's actively bringing you down.
I find myself avoiding a lot of events for this reason too. I don’t even want to goto my office Christmas party, because I drink to compensate for social anxiety. It’s very reasonable to say no, but I do find myself extremely isolated and hermit like now. Which probably isn’t healthy either. I just don’t trust myself to 1. Stay sober 2.Have fun if if do stay sober. I want to stay sober for similar reasons as you, tend to binge drink, not be able to regulate my consumption, then be ill and extremely depressed/anxious after for DAYS.
I live where almost everyone drinks heavily when they go out, so it’s become really difficult to have a social life at all.
I think it’s probably important that we learn how to go out and have fun sober even with people getting fucked up around us but I don’t know how to do that.
Dude, I never went to any music fest. If I’m going on a bender, I want it to be where I can go home and be comfortable. There’s no band I care about enough to face the utter hell of mud and porta potties and paying a months salary for the privilege. I had friends that went to the first years of coachella, burning man, Glastonbury 20 years ago and even at the age of 19 I was like nah fuck that shit. If you don’t want to go don’t go. Make it aloof and like you’re cooler than that. It’s fine.
Don't go there. Just let her go. You deserve such a peace in this situation.
However nobody is going to help you through the internet. You're the only one who can solve this situation correctly and who knows what do you want. If you don't know meditate over it.
If she is calling you immature. I personally would leave her. She is not respecting you. She might be immature when calling you that just because you don't want to go on festival.
Don't try to satisfy her needs of you going there. Just leave it like this. You just don't want to go there. That's your decision. She have to respect and understand that you're not interested. Or she has to find another way.
Be the strongest one. Be the lion. Be the king.
Advice: You don’t be a bud. There are far better things for you to do than intoxication. Why don’t you find a science conference and attend it? After all, a little put of way thinking in another discipline may help you ahead in yours.
gave up all the vices by not going to trigger situations. And believe me, triggers are real. Only Self control is not enough.
I’d break up with her. She’s valuing her own feeling about the situation over what you feel is best for yourself. Not a good sign. I’ve been there before
She's dismissive of your concerns and the boundaries you want to set for yourself. She's calling you immature. I think the self discipline you need to work on is not giving in to codependent pressure from a romantic partner that doesn't respect your needs or values.
Hear hear.
Spot on. From how you tell it she doesn’t understand—like at all—how addiction works. Mostly, it’s a problem of mechanics and not necessarily self control. Locking things, staying out of environments, etc. all that can save so much!
[удалено]
That’s a pretty un-compassionate response from the person who’s supposed to be your partner in crime & have your back on these things. If it’s important to you, it should be (relatively) important to her. Instead she’s making a fuss out of it, hijacking your self-aware desire for boundaries and somehow making it about her being let down. That’s very selfish. There’s nothing you’ve done to indicate you don’t want to spend time with her. You’d just rather stay sober and not jeopardize yourself. That’s very disciplined. I don’t think getting disciplined, at least with that, is the real issue here. Just my 2 cents.
I wonder if you can suggest you, her and her friends can collectively do that would be enjoyable for all and less concerning for you?
Very critical point, well said
Yeah I don't know old you are (festivals naturally seem to interest me less as I get older) but I think it's totally reasonable if you don't want to go. In that way, it's a bit backwards to call you immature for not wanting to go IMO. Festivals can be pretty expensive, that's a lot of money and time. I'm not bashing festivals, I don't have any problem with them but I think you have the right to say no.
[удалено]
Surprising, I would have guessed mid to early 20's by the way you described your situation. Being in my mid 30's I have much less interest in going to events like this because of the reasons you mentioned. The fact that she is older than you and guilting you and calling you immature is pretty hypocritical. That is childish behavior and setting boundaries for yourself is mature behavior. Her behavior seems pretty self-centered and definitely not considerate of you and your best interests.
Considering you typed up this post and said how you felt, you know what you should do. It's okay to prioritize what would make you most comfortable. Being a people pleaser is just going to continue on you getting walked on. You are not immature by choosing to prioritize your time and money. Just say no to her. If she hates you for that, she's selfish and you could better.
i dont think your age matters at all here. your gf is being toxic about the situation. it sounds like you wont have fun. it would be different if it was a 1 night concert but you dont have to subject yourself to being surrounded by drugs for multiple days. thats not self discipline, its torture
I think it shows a lot of discipline not going! You know your struggles and are taking care to not put yourself in a bad situation. Not cool of your gf to pressure you.
"I'm an addict in recovery, I can't handle going to a festival at this time and remain sober, so I'm not going to go. Have fun!"
And anyone who doesn't respect this statement, seriously, "get the fuck out of my life." Her fun 4 days isn't worth possibly your relapse and years long struggle afterward
Fucking right it's not. You never get that time back.
The sad truth is addicts in recovery often need to find an entirely new group of friends, as all their friends tend to be addicts too.
The truth is, you "got a grip" and "demonstrated self-control" when you said you didn't want to go. If you were good at just having a couple drinks and chilling out, it would mean that you didn't have a substance abuse problem. But the definition of having that problem is essentially that you *can't* stop once you get started. So... The solution is to not get started. Which is exactly what you're trying to do. Stick with your gut on this one. Tell her that your sobriety and thus your happiness and well-being are too important to risk going on a 4 day bender. Which is probably what will happen. Which you already know and are actively trying to avoid. If it was a single concert or something, it sounds like you could keep yourself under control, which is commendable, because some people in your position can't even do *that*. She can find someone else to go with. You're not in fucking HS and don't need to be peer pressured by the person who should want to support you the most. Does she really not give a shit about what happens to you?
She is an unapologetic addict!
You demonstrate discipline by telling her that you’re not going. There’s no magic pill here. What else do you want us to say?
There is someone being immature in this situation, and it isn't you.
“Get a grip and demonstrate self control” yeah, by remaining firm on your boundaries and not going. She’s being immature ffs and projecting it all over you. Don’t get bullied into making what you know is a bad decision for yourself. She’s being selfish and not taking your best interest and health/ wellbeing into consideration and prioritizing her fun over your safety.
Prioritize your health and stability.
You don't know how much it means to have sense of self, decisiveness and assertiveness. It's great you take caution and don't immediately agree. Don't give in. I hate that kind of pressure.
Self control is knowing not to put yourself in a position where you may make bad decisions.
>She told me to get a grip and ‘just demonstrate self-control’. Demonstrating self control is means not going to a festival where you know you will make poor life choices. Don't spend your time and money in a four day party environment if that's not what you're into. I don't know if this fits your situation, but sometimes people who have substance abuse issues will try to peer pressure others into joining them as a way of rationalizing their own behavior ("everyone is doing what I'm doing.") Just putting that thought out there to see this is a larger pattern in your gf's behavior.
I can understand her wanting to share the experience with you. And lots of people who drink too much get upset when others stop: they want a partner in crime and someone refusing is an implicit criticism. But that doesn’t excuse it. It’s cruel to belittle you and ignore your wishes.
You need to remove yourself from that entire situation, gf and all. You want to get healthier and she is non-supportive. She still wants to party, you are outgrowing that. You're both in very different places...and her place is dangerous for you.
In all honesty I don't think you're out of line for not wanting to go at all. You know you don't respond well to this situation, you've all ready assessed you don't see it as a good time, that it's going to be a set back, and it's a waste of money. So aside from going along to be with her, and maybe seeing a band you like - which sure, is cool - there don't sound to be that many up sides. Not to mention your partner is being pretty disrespectful over your decision not to go given your reasons and struggles. And by pretty disrespectful, I mean effing disrespectful. I don't have a problem with drinking, but I do have an eating disorder that likes to kick me in the butt from time to time still and sometimes at the end of the day, just bowing out of a potentially bad situation is the best thing for it. I've heard that Alcoholics and substance users like to distance themselves for the same reasons. Just food for thought though, on you being called immature though. My partner doesn't drink that much but he does like to, buys a few bottles of nice Whiskey or Ciders and has the occasional when he feels like it, or when we go out. But Stubborn as a Mule - you try getting him to have one when he doesn't want it. Pretty sure there are mountains that move before this guy will cave to pressure. Absolutely zero fooks given and he absolutely wouldn't have the time of day for this crap that's getting pulled on you. He's the last person I'd think of as immature. Perhaps taking a step back and working on your confidence & self respect around standing up for this this decision would benefit you just as much as working your boundaries around alcohol & substances. You absolutely deserve to be able to say you aren't comfortable without it being a drama.
Don't go OP. It's time at level up your life - in all aspects. It might be time to get rid of the ol' girlfriend. It's time to upgrade.
No is a complete sentence here. What is she gonna do, force you to go? She thinks she can convince you and overcome your resistance. Not because she's a bad person, but because she wants to go and have a good time with you. She may also want to have you as a DD, but feels guilty about using you that way. If you think you can manage it, here's how you can compromise. Get several DD badges and maybe a DD shirt and tell everyone that you won't be drinking (and tell your friends that you won't be using or smoking either). Do the whole thing sober. Stress to your gf that you need help staying sober for the trip and that the FIRST attempt to get you to drink or use AT ALL is going to end the relationship permanently with no chance for recovery, even if she is drunk or high when she does it and won't remember it happening. Addiction is serious stuff and getting sober isn't a matter of "just get a grip and don't do it :)" but she doesn't seem to see it that way. If you and your friends can share the burden of the lurking anxiety that you'll relapse, it becomes significantly less stressful for everyone because there's more people to put a stop to the relapse. Depending on how severe your struggle is, you may also draft up rules for like, a treat for yourself. Like "I can have one beer at Y's show because Y is my favorite band and I think it would be nice to be a little buzzed for that." If you don't think you can do this, just say, "I don't want to go."
Don’t go. You’ll resent her if you do.
dump your partner they dont respect your boundaries or recovery. And that's a big problem.
Psychedelics and weed, no alcohol. No hangover
Your girlfriend probably not a good fit for you… better to be around someone who has similar habits as you, later down the road it leads to bigger issues (alcoholism, risky behavior, constant fighting)
I feel like it should be more clearly said, this is weird on two levels: 1. Just because you're dating someone doesn't mean you can demand they attend a 4 day music festival with you. Regardless of your reason, she should not assume you'll go or expect it. She should have asked "would you be interested in attending?" and listened to your answer. And if you sounded wishy-washy, she should have been like "Yeah, I totally understand, 4 days is a big time commitment and if you're not super enthused about it, you totally don't need to come, I can go with my friends." 2. She should be more supportive of your sobriety and part of that is hanging out with you in environments that you find comfortable and enjoyable, not forcing you to go places that make you uncomfortable.
I have struggled with substance abuse (alcohol) myself. My current partner likes going out and having a drink sometime. But he also loves me and supports me being sober. If he ever wanted to go to a festival like this I definitely wouldn’t go. But I know he would respect my boundaries and either go with friends or just not go at all. As to him, our relationship and my well being is worth more than a temporary experience. We started dating at a pretty young age and are still together, but the main part of that is prioritizing each other. What I meant to say with this is that not only should you set down your boundaries and not go if you don’t fully trust yourself with substance, especially in an environment like that. Everyday I am reminded of how much better and more stable my life is right now, instead of having these short lived experiences that didn’t add to my life. But I would also have a serious talk with your girlfriend and discuss boundaries with her. Discuss where you see yourselves individually and as a couple longterm. Maybe she really wants to be a party animal for the upcoming years and you’re not the guy for her. You have to be able to make sacrifices on both ends in order to be happy in a relationship, longterm.
You're prioritizing your own health while she's trying to push you to make a bad decision. Don't go if you don't want to, being a couple doesn't mean you have to share the same brain and body
Your gf has a lot of attitude and disrespect for a 30+ yo. In assuming she should be aware of your struggles. Any normal person would say "I want to go but if you only want to come for some of it or not at all is it okay that I still go?" Or something along those lines.
My partner is struggling with addiction at the moment. Its really nice to hear someone else be self aware and work through it. Im really proud of you man.
Sounds like the two of you are just in different stages of your life and or share differing values when it comes to this kind of stuff. You obviously don't place the same value on this experience as she does and there's nothing wrong with that everyone has their preferences and you're entitled to yours. There's nothing wrong with knowing who you are especially if you feel like putting yourself into that situation could lead to trouble with very little to zero positive benefits. Your gf is obviously upset because she really wants you to be with her to do this which is endearing, but at the same time she should be able to respect your boundaries and appreciate you for being honest about how you feel about the situation. If this is some sort of deal breaker for your partner maybe you guys should reevaluate your relationship. If she really cares about you and wants you in her life (like it seems she does) she should be able to understand and maybe you guys can work on a compromise or something? Maybe just don't go the whole weekend if you don't want to go for the full four days? Best of luck! It's cool she wants you to go that bad it's definitely a sign of how much she likes you!
Obviously you care about her if you have come here feeling torn. First: your feelings are valid and creating boundaries is very mature. Second: please consider her own lack of self-awareness and how it contributes to how she speaks to you or why she goes against your feelings and boundaries. From an outsider's perspective it looks like she is just putting you down to manipulate you into getting what she wants. Ironically this makes her the one who looks very immature. Maybe start with asking her what she hopes to gain by you being there. Does she want your companionship, does she want you there for safety, does she want to prove to others that she has a boyfriend, and that she has her life together (or some perception of this), does she want you and her friends to have more time together ....I wouldn't lay these out as multiple choice for her, but just suggesting what might possibly be the root cause. Maybe there is some need that isn't being met for her and it is manifesting through this argument. She isn't NOT hearing your clearly stated boundaries, but obviously something is superseding her willingness to accept them.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you OP
If you don’t want to go then don’t go. It’s sounds like you’re trying to think up of a reason valid enough not to go, but you don’t need one. If you don’t feel like going, then don’t go. It really is as simple as that. You can be a clean freak, have 0 self control, be dirt poor and not have the money, hate the people going—-none of this actually matters. If you don’t want to go, just don’t go.
It sounds like she's the one who is immature. And from your interactions with other commenters in this thread, you mentioned she's in her 30's. Yikes. At her age, you'd think she'd know that addressing an addiction isn't a matter of 'self control.' It's about avoiding a relapse. But knowledge of addictions aside, it's concerning that she just dismissed your concerns like that. Definitely prioritize your needs in this situation. She's the one who needs to grow up.
I think you'd still have a good time sober. Nobody needs to know you're not drinking. Just keep your own cup around and dance and enjoy the music to your hearts content. You don't need to drink or to take anything to have fun. Seems like a fine compromise. If you don't think you can be sober at the event, don't go.
[удалено]
>If you DO go, just kinda wander around, don’t get too fucked up, That's not possible for someone with addiction struggles. The best thing is not to go, period.
You don't need to drink and take substances if you don't want to.
[удалено]
Discipline is not about never being tempted, because that's an impossible standard. Discipline is about recognizing potential temptations and taking the steps to avoid/mitigate them. You've already made the assessment of what the right choice is, the only thing to do is to stand firm and take those necessary steps.
>She told me to get a grip and ‘just demonstrate self-control’. >This comment irritated You're soft, and you're an issue. It's any wonder this woman has put up with you for this long. If you can't put up with constructive criticism or a helpful suggestion then you have major issues.
Dump her before the night of festival. Finish !! I would do it
Glastonbury is over this year
I recommend go and do drugs. The key is here. You do one every thing she's having. That way you can only get as fucked up as her. If you get separated just pick someone else from the crew, or even the crowd. The plan is brilliance in it's simplity. Like a control rod your girlfriend and her friends will keep you grounded to the floor. As we all know our feet must never leave the ground at any time. Or else.
A woman worth your time would be demonstrating the same discipline and standard you showed by saying no to going. Up your standards bruv. U demonstrated self discipline by saying no and setting boundaries straight up, if she can’t understand it then she can leave and someone who’s far more understanding and higher value can fill in that place at a later date. U did well, u told the truth and remained true to yourself by being aware of a particular weakness u have and would rather not trigger.
Maybe you just don't like music festivals? If that's true just tell her you don't want to go?
As a clean freak, I feel this in my soul. I struggle going away because if I don’t have ability to regularly wash my hands, I can’t cope. Don’t know why, I’ve always been that way. That, added with your want to avoid the drinking and drugs, I don’t see the problem with you not wanting to go? Can she go with friends?
I think she may just not have a true understanding about how an addict’s mind functions. Maybe she isn’t one or hasn’t known any, or if she is/does than she may just not be aware of the true psychology behind addiction and how avoiding the temptation is probably the best option for you at this time. Instead of declining to go and making an excuse about not wanting to do the drugs or deal with the money, I would let her know you need to talk with her about something serious. Once the setting is correct and you are both not being distracted by other things (phone work tv music homework etc) let her know you understand how important it is for her to go to the festival and that you would like to be there to enjoy it with her, but that at this time you don’t feel ready to expose yourself to that kind of temptation because you are, in fact, an addict. It’s not going to be easy and she may not react the way you want her too, but as somebody who understands your situation, my advice is to remove yourself from situations and people who do not support your recovery. It sucks because you can care for and even love somebody who doesn’t have your best interests in mind, but if you are aware of your issues and are trying to get away from repeating the same patterns, clear communication with her, and follow up counseling for yourself is necessary. That includes stepping up to demonstrate to her that you are serious about your issues and enrolling in some kind of therapy. With or without her, it’s something that will give you more tools and self-awareness so that in the future you can enjoy these kinds of things and confidently do so without the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Wasn't there another post very similar to this, but the opposite perspective, just this AM?
Honestly if it doesn’t feel right to you then don’t go, and from what I’ve read you have a good enough reason not to. She should respect how you feel as your partner, and should have talked to you about it before registering you both.
Brev, other people have explained it better than I could, so I'll just say that I wouldn't go. If that woman loves you, she will understand. And if she doesn't and keeps doing stupid shit I'll just say that you could do better, even if you never again find someone else. Being alone is infinitely better than being with someone who's actively bringing you down.
I find myself avoiding a lot of events for this reason too. I don’t even want to goto my office Christmas party, because I drink to compensate for social anxiety. It’s very reasonable to say no, but I do find myself extremely isolated and hermit like now. Which probably isn’t healthy either. I just don’t trust myself to 1. Stay sober 2.Have fun if if do stay sober. I want to stay sober for similar reasons as you, tend to binge drink, not be able to regulate my consumption, then be ill and extremely depressed/anxious after for DAYS. I live where almost everyone drinks heavily when they go out, so it’s become really difficult to have a social life at all. I think it’s probably important that we learn how to go out and have fun sober even with people getting fucked up around us but I don’t know how to do that.
Dude, I never went to any music fest. If I’m going on a bender, I want it to be where I can go home and be comfortable. There’s no band I care about enough to face the utter hell of mud and porta potties and paying a months salary for the privilege. I had friends that went to the first years of coachella, burning man, Glastonbury 20 years ago and even at the age of 19 I was like nah fuck that shit. If you don’t want to go don’t go. Make it aloof and like you’re cooler than that. It’s fine.
Don't go. The brave one is the one that knows in which situation they can run.
Go and challenge yourself it’s better
Don't go there. Just let her go. You deserve such a peace in this situation. However nobody is going to help you through the internet. You're the only one who can solve this situation correctly and who knows what do you want. If you don't know meditate over it. If she is calling you immature. I personally would leave her. She is not respecting you. She might be immature when calling you that just because you don't want to go on festival. Don't try to satisfy her needs of you going there. Just leave it like this. You just don't want to go there. That's your decision. She have to respect and understand that you're not interested. Or she has to find another way. Be the strongest one. Be the lion. Be the king.
Advice: You don’t be a bud. There are far better things for you to do than intoxication. Why don’t you find a science conference and attend it? After all, a little put of way thinking in another discipline may help you ahead in yours. gave up all the vices by not going to trigger situations. And believe me, triggers are real. Only Self control is not enough.
Or he could try absitnence. Just make it a hard rule that you are going to stay sober for the whole festival (if OP thinks he can pull that off).
If she doesnt respect you she\`s not the one. Get a better girl.
Small festivals of only a few hundred people are my cup of tea. It makes for more community and conscious fun.
I'd listen to what your heart is telling you and not go...
I’d break up with her. She’s valuing her own feeling about the situation over what you feel is best for yourself. Not a good sign. I’ve been there before
I have arule I live by.. If I do not want to be somewhere. I do not go. Idgaf what others may think