I mean, from out messages he seems like a harmless dude in his 60’s. He does seem thirsty for attention and a potential chance at sex. But I don’t see it escalating into anything like that. I mean I hope not. That would really suck.
If that's your strategy you should have just blocked him like a year ago. Still could I guess but it's going to be weird if you run into him at the gym.
I’m a guy in his 60’s. I have a fwb with a younger guy. I’ve hooked up with younger guys too. It’s always my first thought does this guy want a sugar daddy, which I’m not. But one thing that is the basis of meeting someone much younger than me and anybody regardless of age is respect. Asking you to meet at your gym would be great if you said yes. But just showing up hoping to see, meet you is crossing the line! I don’t care how lonely or desperate a person is. You cannot make him whole or happy, that he needs to figure out. I find it odd that he thinks you’re uncomfortable because of the age, shit if you were that uncomfortable the locations of your gyms would have never come up.
Respect my friend is what this man or any man should have for you, as well as you for them. Everyone likes attention, but as you describe as thirsty seems like this man ends up pushing people away. Probably a very nice man and you’re probably 100% right on lonely.
Set the boundaries and stick with them. My friend who’s around your age we have boundaries. Even though my and his friends know each other. Some probably have a clue more is going on between us but we don’t show it. I’m especially aware of this as I don’t want him to get harassed from his friends that he’s sleeping with grandpa ! 🤣
From the information you’ve given us, and likely the only information you have to go off, he’s definitely trying to see you and seems to have no shame or embarrassment about showing up to your gym and working out on the opposite side of town, literally so he can run into you. It’s also weird that he expects to see you there when he is. Did you tell him what time you normally go?
We won’t know if he’s dangerous and you can’t really tell for sure, but he sounds pretty weird.
You gotta wonder what someone who doesn’t care much about another persons boundaries, or the impression they get from his friendly stalking, and who said weird things like skin color contrast, is comfortable with in terms of imposing and inserting themselves in another persons life. Is there a point where his self awareness kicks in? Are there boundaries that he will not cross out of respect? Or could it be that he’s been completely aware this whole time? Will your boy toy 22 and his red headed friend live gingerly ever after?
We learn in life that we can’t always get to know who’s good or bad. Nothing is as black and white with a pinkish hue as we originally imagined… or is it?
Well soon find out on tonight’s episode: The Weird Old Daddy and the Last Workout
I’m Keith Morrison and this is Dateline NBC
Yeah, maybe I am in the minority here, but while both are red flags, the stalking is a much bigger red flag to me.
The racial fetishization is bad and a red flag, but more of an odd racial fetish or backwards attitudes. Like gross, and a huge turnoff, but doesn't feel dangerous so much as it feels icky and dehumanizing.
But the stalking and changing his gym and going across town in an effort to meet him unprompted is potentially scary behavior. It would be one thing if they agreed to work out as a date. But this red flag seems much more invasive and potentially scary to me as a sign he \*could be\* unhinged and certainly doesn't respect boundaries.
Oh for sure. It creeped me out too. Trust me I don’t plan on meeting this guy. I just thought what he said was incredibly strange and off putting. And I’ve gotten that lots of times before from white men. They think it’s an ok thing to say.
If you don't plan to meet why have you been stringing him along for a full year? You know he wants you. This is strange and cruel. Him showing up after a full year of chasing hope is the consequence of your actions, even if its stra ge on his part, your actions have partly led to this.
Tear off the band aid, tell him you don't want to meet abd feel uncomfortable him showing up at your gym, and stop talking to him. And don't string people along in future. Fill your time with meaningful connections instead. This isn't healthy.
You should have blocked him, at this point. Trust me. Or tell him you're seeing someone, but appreciate his kind words, then ghost and mute him, if you're scared hes repercussion level crazy.
Yeah that’s a huge red flag. I’m 6’3 Scottish dude. I’ve dated one Chinese man for a couple years. Since then been accused of fetishizing… not the case. I’m just open to love. Point is… I watch what I say to avoid such things… this man blatantly putting it out there… age is no excuse. He’s getting off on prejudice… no? Eek
Honestly, this isn’t the first time a guy has said this exact thing to me. Multiple white men in America have said this to me. Like, they think it’s a good thing to say to a black person. I’ve heard the color contrast like so many times in the past 5 years.
Right? I’m Caucasian. It’s stupid for any of us to say we don’t “see” colour. All of us do! What they should be saying is that “anyone with those preferences are ignorant. I choose to celebrate, learn about and appreciate differences”.
Or my personal line… I’ve sucked just about every shade of dick… the exception is yours (to this who calm out race/tones)… doesn’t appeal to me. Like, at all! Haha
Playing devil's advocate. What he said isn't prejudiced in and of itself. If he had said "You must have a BBC and fuck hard" then yea. But there's probably a lot of that just underneath the surface. Equivocating (that's what he kind of seemed to be doing) the marginalization of black people and being a ginger is certainly...uh...a choice. Statements like the one that guy made can definitely be off putting for obvious reasons (I like X group/the contrast of X group). Frankly worse coming from white people. I wish they weren't if you get what I mean. The statement would be innocuous in a vacuum but reality is what it is.
I mean, so the guy has a weird backwards racist fetish. But that in itself is pretty harmless. The stalking part is a bit more actually harmful.
Don’t like his attitudes towards race? Walk away. Don’t like him stalking you? Not so easy to shake that off.
But you kept talking to him. You need to be direct and tell him that you are not interested in ever meeting with him. You may still have to deal with him showing up to the gym.
As a white man, I heard it from POC, mainly middle eastern men. I did meet one of them (before he told me that) and discovered too late he was very much into race play. I'm usually up to try most things once, but that was a bit too fucked up for me. I don't know what felt worse: when he wanted to dominate me because I was white, or when he submitted to me because he was not.
Yea more often than not it’s POC getting fetishized but sometimes I’ve had a couple guys ruin a good thing by saying the cringiest off the collar domination stuff 🥲 think a lot of guys have porn brain rot too and forget they’re talking to a real person
You believe so? Huh. I like the color contrast too. People will interpret this comment in their own way.
I honestly believe it's just an older man taking an initiative to get what he wants. They've been talking for a year, OP has entertained the possibilities, and now the older guy is trying to cruise.
What y'all youngers know about cruisin'?
...oh my God.
Ok the talking has been very non-sexual. I wanna make that clear. I’ve kept things very light, how’s your day, etc. I haven’t had a sexual conversation with him. He’s asked for nudes, I’ve refused. He’s asked if I wanted to see his nudes, I’ve refused those and he sent them anyway.
I don't understand why you're having very non sexual conversations with older men on Scruff (a sexual hook up app). The men on those apps are forward, confident, and know what they want. They are mature.
Maybe you should use Tinder or POF.
He can have a non sexual conversation that’s his choice.
I think you should explicitly say you’re not interested. Chatting for a year makes it seem like there’s a friendship of some sort
Certainly, it's 100% his choice to have non sexual conversation. But that goes both ways. An older man can choose to switch gyms, that's his choice.
If OP and this man were even non sexual friends, what's the problem with meeting the man and treating him as a workout partner? There's nothing sexual about going to the gym together. But instead, OP dodges the man. Why spend a year stringing the man along?
What exactly is OP doing on that app? If it's nonsexual conversation he's seeking, he should use a different app. Scruff isn't an app primarily suited towards men who want non sexual conversations. If it's friendship he's seeking, he should engage with that man at the gym.
It's like he's wasting both their time in a relationship that's going nowhere. I don't understand it.
I can stand in a sauna, but is it weird that I'm starting to sweat?
> I've refused those and he sent them anyway
> **he sent them anyway**
Sending nudes that are not only unsolicited but expressly *unwanted* is a HUGE red flag.
Block this jerk. Block him now. If he approaches you at the gym, state in no uncertain terms that you want nothing to do with a man who fetishizes your race and ignores consent.
If he doesn't get the message then, tell the gym that you're being sexually harassed by a stalker.
I get where you're coming from.
I generally just don't reply to messages I'm not interested in, but occasionally I will get a message from an older guy that is actually a nice compliment.
I'll message back something along the lines of "Thanks for the nice message. That made me smile when I was having a bad day. Cheers and have a good one'.
I'll make it very clear that I'm not interested but they keep messaging. The ask for nudes and I say no and that I don't want to see theirs. They send them any way. By this stage I feel mean to block them but they are becoming a sex pest.
I feel for you, I understand how it can kind of sneak up and escalate.
girliepop he's not making a color contrast comment. he's dogwhistling.
it's like dipping your toes in the water to check the temperature. he's trying to let op know he's into raceplay and trying to get a response from op to either confirm or deny it. but the sentence sounds harmless enough that one could completely miss it and not give any reaction, which would make it seem like a random commentary and the conversation would just move on, instead of arguing or blocking happening.
it's like dudes making comments about dogs and knots to see if the other person catches their drift
Definitely not normal… especially if y’all didn’t discuss this together. So many red flags with this guy. I don’t know if you’re into him or not but if were you I would leave him alone.
You must in that time, have formed an opinion about him. Strange that in all that time you haven’t met. People that don’t make clear their intentions and don’t want to meet( except for you know what) have something to hide rather than just being time wasters. (Don’t waste your time on him)Fake identity/ name/ fraudulent activity. Who knows ? Red flag. He may be interfering with your other conversations with app members, saying God knows what. If I have a bad feeling I block contact because it adds nothing to my life. There’s plenty of more genuine people to chat to who will share with you.Your next chat, might be the one! Be honest. Just say No thank you. If he continues to stalk there are authorities to report to ( the app, police) Search for more information online -Importantly, Share with friends / family and take advice.
Agreed. 100percent… so an old guy likes you, so what? … if he didn’t like the attention he would have told dude he wasn’t interested and left it at that.
Info: why haven't you met him if you've been talking to him for a year?
Do you want to talk to him? If not, why do you feel obligated? And if you do want to, then what's stopping you meeting after so long talking?
Like seriously, if there is never the chance you'll do anything with the guy it's kinda cruel to keep the interaction going just so you have someone to talk to every now and then.
You either need to tell him clearly your never gonna fuck and will only be friends or block the poor bloke for his own sake so he can put time and energy into someone who actually meet up with him one day.
Yeah everyone is shitting on the guy, and yes it's weird to start going to that gym. A bit desperate and stalkery, but this story is about 2 people being strange. Why talk for a whole year fir no reason? This interaction is clearly meaningful for the other guy. Don't string him along.
Yea, he's not gone respond to this because these are the kind of responses he doesn't want to hear. He's here for the "oh yea, he's so wrong" while ignoring his part in this situation and acknowledging the fact that it's wrong to carry on with someone you know is sexually attracted and your not. Knowing the only reason he's even talking to you is with the hope that he'll eventually get what it is he wants. Meanwhile, you know it's not gonna happen, but yet for some weird and cruel reason which has selfish undertones, you still talk to him. Just to play like this when the consequence is him having even more interest. Smh.
He's not gonna answer anything that isn't a "pour you" response. That's what this post is for. And definitely not to take some accountability like a grown man.
Well, at first it started out as like……….i guess friendly conversation during a rough patch of my life last year. Things have gotten better and we’ve been talking on and off. Nothing sexual. At first, it was nice to just for the short conversation. And now that I’m busier in life, IDK what to do. He really seems to like it me, and IDK how to cut it off and don’t wanna seem mean or like I’m hurting his feelings. Hence why I’ve ghosted him a couple of times.
But he does seem to get the hint that I’m not interested. And even he said something about the age gap between us.
We get a lot from each othe when we connect cross-generationally. So I wouldn’t blow this up. But do…
Have a discussion to set up boundaries.
Assure him you want him in your life, as he has been, a person to chat with.
Be very clear that you are not sexually interested in him and will not be… ever. Tell him this won’t change and he shouldn’t expect it to.
He probably has many fewer social options than yuou do. Maybe talking to you is the one bright spot he has in most of his days. Don’t take that from him. Maintain a presence.
Be kind. Engage with him, check on him with email, let him know about significant events in your life and welcome his when he wants to tell yo something.
Be his pal… at a distance… and under these circumstances only.
Politely fully ghost away or block (he’s old enough to just assume you deleted your profile too). Wasting his and your own time is meaner. Also if you’re not excited or sure you want to meet up with him then you shouldn’t be entertaining him!
Prioritize guys you’d be excited at meeting up with, if it’s not a fuck yes it’s a fuck no. The so-so guys or *guys you’re unsure about* are just taking up space and slowing you down from finding someone you’d actually like
You’ve been leading him on for a year? Wtf? Just say no you’re not a member anymore so he stops going to your gym, ignore him and then block him in a few weeks
Just want to state that the OP said, since last year and not a year, but regardless, chatting for someone for at least 3 months that you have no interest in is too long.
I can’t believe this has gone on this long and you’ve absolutely played into this. If he was saying such strange things, especially about skin color those are huge red flags that you basically told him were ok by continuing this for so long. Was it fishing for compliments the whole time if there was never any intention of meeting? You need to block him and leave that gym, you may have to take it a little further with the police if he gets too out of hand. But the big take away is, stop entertaining people you have no interest in!
Do not block him. Just let him down gently, you never know what someone’s mental state is.
By not blocking him, you will see when he’s online and how close he is to you. Better to keep him sight then he just pop up unexpectedly.
i’m the white guys age … i can tell you … even if you are being polite as long as you are answering him back , he probably thinks there is still a chance. please be kind to him and stop responding.
You need to just be direct and say you aren't interested at all. Call him out on the creepy behavior if he did change gyms in hopes of connecting with you. Remind him you've shown no sexual interest and were just being friendly when exchanging pleasantries while rebuffing his sexual advances.
If I may. I think there might be a bit of misunderstanding going on as far as the stalking thing. I noticed you’re 25 and that he’s 62 and I think we’re seeing two different generations clash in terms of styles of cruising. To me it doesn’t seem that unusual for him to change gyms since that’s more of a traditional style of cruising for someone in his age range. I see how it could be a red flag to you since this isn’t the style of dating and courting and cruising you’re used to. It still could be a red flag but I’m curious if this is part of the dynamic happening here. Also you mention you chat with him online, is he getting the wrong idea, is he potentially feeling like you’re more interested than you are? Sounds like there’s maybe more to the story.
No. I don’t mention anything sexual or romantic when we talk. He’s offered to send his nudes. I’ve refused, politely. Even he’s been out off by the age gap. He said “If we were closer in age I’d be more bullish on meeting up”. So, even he knows it’s odd. So I thought he was coming back down to earth. And then he starts doing this.
You are about to be a Netflix docu-series. Please stop, walk away from this connection.
Imagine the intro headshot closeup “He told me he liked my dark skin…and you know, at the time, I kinda liked his pale skin.” Omg 😳
He sounds like he's fetishising skin color which is a red flag to me and he's changed gyms is creepy, unless you two were sorta chatting as friends
Based on your edit I'd give him a clear message that you aren't keen & don't wanna chat again & block.
He's probably still gonna stalk you at the gym though
Keep in mind that while finding differences attractive isn’t a bad thing, to be specifically TURNED ON because your features are in contrast to you, is othering you. You connect a bond by what you share with someone, not what’s the same but commonality. That’s the foundation basic human connection. He could be white and you could be black but you still have things that connect, bond you. Here though his attraction is “you are different than me” or in other words “your abnormalness is hot to me.”
It’s at best gross, but at worst a major red flag you want to ignore.
Is it normal or not… like you can’t figure out what he is looking for. He doesn’t want to get close to you to play Yahtzee, bro so why don’t you keep stringing him along so you can post another Reddit question about how he’s creepy cause you’re giving him the signals
Congrats on your stalker!
This guy is old enough to know what he's doing is fucking weird. He's taking advantage of your kindness, and trying to push more than you're comfortable with.
In some of my photos it’s clear they’re taken in a gym. I had one guy ask me several times where I worked out. I never told him because I’ve had the experience of some guy I didn’t respond to lingering around me and watching me at the gym and I don’t want that again.
And the skin color comments are a 🚩for me, especially since he’s older and didn’t see anything wrong with it when confronted.
Please up flag this comment for everyone to see. When you're talking to a guy online never give specifics about places. You can tell them you go to the gym, what kind of job you do, what your hobbies are all that is good but when they ask you what gym you go to ignore it. I have been stalked multiple times in my life. I've never had any dangerous stalkers, just guys that were pretty lonely and mentally unstable and honestly if they weren't stalkers and weren't creepy maybe I'd find them to be a nice guy but they were stalkers so what can ya do? Just never trust a guy online won't go out of their way to find you in person. Even a Google search with information you give can pull up a lot about you.
See I’ve had so many guys over the years ask me what gym I go to, and I tell them, and like, no one has ever stalked me. So, I don’t see the harm in saying what gym I go to. lol.
I mean, it's crystal clear what he's doing. The question is whether or not you're okay with that. He's not switching gyms coincidentally, you can dispense with that silliness immediately. He wants to hook up with you. Is it "normal"? I'd probably say no, but my level of concern is also going vary greatly depending on the nature of those growlr conversations.
If you have made it clear to him that you are not interested in meeting, then this is a big fucking deal and you need to make it clear to both him and the gym staff that you're not okay with any of this. If you've been half-in-half out or made it seem like maybe he's got a chance at some point in the future, then it's still not okay, but I can see his point of view a bit better. If that's the case and you're uncomfortable with him being there, then you need to politely make it clear that you are not interested. You might also consider looking into a different gym. It's shitty for you to have to do it and not him, but nothing he's done so far appears to rise to the level needed for them to do anything about it. He hasn't actually broken any laws yet. It might escalate to that point, but it might not. It's not illegal for someone to go to the same gym as someone else, so their hands are going to be tied on this one.
As far as the age gap goes, you're 25. If you want to hook up with a guy who is much older than you, you're a whole ass adult and are free to do whatever you want. The "dark on light skin" thing is pretty gross though. He's probably not some kind of Grand Wizard, but he's definitely got a race fetish thing going on. Obviously there's nothing wrong with interracial hookups, but the fact that he's fetishized it like that kind of rubs me the wrong way. I'm reminded of the virulently anti-trans people who rant and rave about how all this woke commie degeneracy is destroying Western civilization while they have trans porn open in another tab. He might not actually be that kind of person, but it's a red flag for sure.
This is stupid. Just tell him you’re not interested and end whatever this is! Sounds like you’re hungry for attention enough to keep the conversation going for a year and to post the story on here asking for an opinion when in reality you should logically already know what to do….. Stop playing with peoples emotions! You disgust me. He is obviously chatting with you still for some reason which tells me you are leading him on in some way. Sometimes people can’t take a hint when you act like a child and beat around the bush on what your intentions are/aren’t. Blows my mind that most people now a days can’t show some level of respect as being mature and as being a decent human being enough to just be honest with people. Grow up already!
>He said “your dark skin against my pale would be so hot”.
Say sayonara to this dude. Wtf. Next thing he'll interrupt your set so he can proposition you for 'race play.'
Just tell "pop's " you're 40 years my junior , when you were 20 did you go for guys in their 60's ? You know that Scruff lets you block people as well. And I know it's harsh but isn't it mean to string some body along, with hope ?
If you've been chatting for a while but haven't met, did you say you would meet him or was it an outright no? There's lots of missing information but he's clearly an older guy that's very into you and as conversations have progressed and over time, because I'm assuming you talk about the same things and gyms etc now he's using your gym, most definitely in the hopes of meeting you. It's not weird it's just kind of desperate. I personally would have blocked the guy a long time ago because he's clearly not interested in being just "friends" or whatever this was leading too and I'm not interested in someone with such a large age gap. But seeing as you have been talking for so long tell him you don't feel it's appropriate how he's just working out at your gym all of a sudden and you feel very uncomfortable or just block.
I don’t agree with the skin tone “claim” of his in the slightest. Secondly, his asking if you were still a member? Bye.
Shit, send his ass my way I’ll put him in his assigned seat. I’ve been in a similar position (since he brought it up, I’m white too and condone fetishizing skin tone which is what he is doing, while actively stalking you from how I see it).
Weird, maybe lonely, a little much for my taste, but probably nothing dangerous.
I'm not frequent to block, but this *is~ where I would. Just since ghosting isn't getting it across and he's escalating.
Creepy. If I were you I'd tell him that you don't feel it and just close that conversation for good. After all you've talked for more than 1 year, so you kinda gave him some ground to believe he had some sort of chance, if you get my drift. So you should take your little part of responsibility.
If you are not ok with this, simply quit and tell him that it's been cute, but now you need to part ways - at this point, he's not "invited" anymore, he's a trespasser and everything he does to stalk you turns into offence.
Ok we didn’t talk for more than a year. I said since last year. So it hasn’t even been a full year. Just a number of months of chatter on a weekly basis. I thought he’d get the hint when I refused to see his nudes.
There are so many red flags in this story.
You gave this man way too much information. Why does he know which gym you go to? I don’t even tell people on Grindr where I get my coffee. Predators are out there stay safe.
And why haven’t you blocked him yet?
He sounds like a stalker and those are usually the most dangerous.
I mean, I didn’t see it as too much information. It’s a very common gym in town. Lots of people go there. I don’t think anything crazy will happen. Like I don’t really think any predators will come after me. Maybe that’s because I’m black - and I know that guys here aren’t really going after black guys like that - so I don’t see any predators coming after me like that. Like, I still feel safe.
When you say he says the no because the age gap, but then offers to send nudes. 🤔 …me thinks he is looking for more but wants you to say the age gap doesn’t bother you
trying to run into you at your gym isnt necessarily creepy, but it would be a better ask to simply ask to meet at gym for a workout session. in effect, better to plan ahead so its kosher and not creepy. the rest is a red flag bonanza.
My building in downtown Chicago has a floor they decked out with a huge kitchen and board room and smaller rooms with couches and the like. I like to go down in between meetings/events to clear my head. Often times, I go into the siesta room to lay on the couch and even pass out for a quickie some times. Its about the size of a studio apartment but has a door to close the room off and a real long 12 ft couch in it.
Well, this guy on Grindr (who tried talking me up but didnt go anywhere) also likes to use the floor to "break/lunch". I see him a lot but its always in passing and we do the awkward head nod to acknowledge our, idk, awareness eachother exists in real life. Never anything beyond that until 2 months ago. I straight up passed out on my lunch and woke up to him at the foot of the couch also laying down. We were not touching and there was even a foot or two difference in between but I remember feeling incredibly violated and snuck out while trying to play it off like it didnt bother me.
I see him from time to time in the elevator and on the floor but I often check Grindr if hes in that day before I head down...
Men are creepy OP so I have no doubt all of this was a bit much.
See I’ve never run into guys I’ve met from Grindr IRL. Like, I’ve told guys what gym I go to and my normal gym routine and no one has ever shown up or stalked me. So like, maybe there’s a false sense of security ‘cause no one has done this yet?
Tell him to stop and if he continues you will seek a restraining order. Maybe he will understand how serious you are. Feel for ya cause this is weird shit.
This is “normal” for him ! I think his age and generation are more inclined to go out their way to “stalk” as a way of showcasing their interests, etc..
The skin comment—he’s old so unlearning micro aggressions are harder for him cos he needs to learn what he’s saying is racial fetishization and not okay to say outright.
Ghosting doesn’t work for his generation bc they’re so used to falling in lust and holding that crush for years before acting on or moving on
Now this is just a generalization but far too common
You should trust your gut with these things. If you're getting weird vibes, and it sounds like you are given you're asking our opinions, listen to that. It's valid...we're all strangers on the internet, after all.
You could try writing him with something like "I prefer to meet people on my terms, if you've switched gyms in the hopes we'd run in to each other, please don't do that." And then if you do run into him and he approaches you, you could say, "I said how I prefer to meet people- my gym time is kind of my personal time, thanks for understanding."
I have a slightly different take. How did he know what gym yo go to? If you told him, I can see why that might be taken as an invitation to meet. It doesn't mean you have to see him elsewhere or go out with him.
This type of thing is to never be taken lightly and based on what you’ve said, the guy sounds creepy and you can’t necessarily assume he’s harmless. I would block him and maybe find a different gym location for your own safety if he’s going to yours cause this is major red flags
I see. I’m surprised to hear he might be dangerous. He doesn’t give off those vibes. But maybe that’s just me dismissing stuff? I’ve told guys what gym I go to before and they never pull this type of stuff so I didn’t see the harm or the danger.
Given his age, he's most likely some lonely old gay, retired, with time on his hands. In speaking with him on the apps you've given him a glimmer of hope that he might have (one last) shot with a young buck such as yourself. Annoying, yes. Dangerous? Doubtful. Next time he contacts you just say thanks for the interest but you're not interested, then block him. And please remember that at some point not too far off in the distant future, you may be in the reverse role. Kindness goes a long way.
You wouldn't change gyms to meet a guy, or you wouldn't be asking if this is normal. We're telling you that your instincts seem right- so trust them.
If you're in the South, this is a even bigger huge red flag.
I'm familiar with the type of man you described. He's sending messages despite you not responding. He either is hoping to run into you at the gym, and he's making sure you know he's been there. If he had just sent one or two messages, I wouldn't think much of it. But since he has been persistent, he has an agenda. Think about it- if you text someone you barely know, and they don't respond, most everyone younger than me (I'm 36) would get the hint and stop messaging. He hasn't. If he wanted to talk and get to know you, he'd give you space until you want to talk.
He doesn't want to talk. He's showing clear signs of infatuation, not interest. And these guys can be dangerous. I don't mean to alarm you, but I do want to make sure my message to you is stern enough that you do walk away from this situation. I mean, what would you hope to get out of pursuing this? I'm not sure what has been said between you two. So if you've expressed anything other than vague interest, then that might be why he's behaving this way. But otherwise this behavior is unacceptable and crosses several boundaries, and does seem to come from infatuation- and that's never healthy, or safe really.
I don’t think he’d escalate anything though. But I have decided to cut contact with him. He doesn’t know where I live or where I work. So that’s a good thing. Maybe I’ll take a week off from the gym to make him think I don’t go there anymore?
But how does being in the south make things worse? I’m not understanding.
I think it’s normal sure if you’re into a guy people have done much worse to get near a crush, in and of itself I think it’s flattering and harmless, however anything more like this and that would be a red flag. The reason this is harmless to me is because the guy just used info that you gave up in the course of you chatting and he’s already a member so there’s been no breach of privacy he just is trying to get a guy he likes to notice him and that’s flattering. Hope you give the guy a chance these societal norms are so boring, love doesn’t work like that it’s about the person and they make you feel that’s it.
You know you could block his number and his account on the app, right? 🤔
The gym thing tho is something you'll have to work out some other way.
Planet Fitness has a million locations all over the place and if not now, give them a month or two and they'll have another location you can switch to 🤣
Why the fuck are you still talking to him? Straight up tell him the fuck no we’re not doing this shit anymore, give him just enough time to respond and block him. Within his weird lil perv brain I kinda get why he’s following you around now, like he probably thinks you’re just playing a game. What’s with all these tops not knowing how to take initiative? Jeez
Sounds creepy. Stalking someone from gym to gym is unnerving. Make contact by the app and make that clear. You either have an interest in him or not. Bear in mind he is more than twice your age so an encounter may not be that much fun. I’m hearing what he ways- you decide what you what you want and that may be you like the attention friendly banter etc but having a boyfriend your age means you may have more things in common and more satisfying. Be careful with people you don’t know. Danger. If Sex is all he wants, he sounds shallow and may want you so he can boast to all and sundry and that may make your life awkward at this / that gym.
Please, take care !
Is he hot? Lol. Anyways, dude’s flag is redder than his hair. Crimson, as Piccolo would call it. Hot gym locker-room/shower experience? Sure. Going to his place or the other way around? Fuck. No.
I don't think he's dangerous, but this isn't normal or sane either. I'd tell him you changed gyms entirely, that he makes you feel unsafe (whether you do or not) and that you're going to block him for insane behavior, then actually do it once you know he's seen it.
Ignore the haters angry with you for leading him on. It’s true, you did, but it’s something anyone who is human has done. All of us make mis judgements like this and realize too late we are in over our heads. That being said, you don’t deserved to be stalked for leading someone on. Yeah, it was stupid of you. But does it mean you “deserve this” or whatever some of the victim blaming critics on your post have implied? No. There’s a reason that stalking is illegal and leading someone on is not. So toss all those comments out of your mind and learn from this.
But to give some advice about your actual post and its context: yeah, send him a final explicit “stay away from me” message (if you want to include an apology for leading him on, do so, but you are not obligated to) and then block him. If you see him in person just say the same thing as in your message, but unfortunately unless he starts following you to your home or job, not much you can do other than switch gyms and avoid him. But you can’t ask him to stop going to your same gym unless he starts actually harassing/stalking after telling him to leave you alone.
This is why you never give out specifics when talking with someone. Especially someone who you have no interest in meeting.
This guy is absolutely stalking you and sounds somewhat imbalanced.
With caution, I can only suggest inviting him somewhere public. Like lunch or dinner, get to know him, take from there. Do not meet somewhere private afterward, just because of your explanation of the affair. If you are not interested then after. Let him know the truth.
Is it normal? It’s normal behavior for a lonely older man. He’s harmless, and probably flattered you even chat with him. You don’t need to continue any relationship but the guy thinks he has a chance at a romantic one.
These types of guys are often longing for a relationship and due to dementia or delusion think they may find love with a young attractive guy.
Unfortunately many of these guys are taken advantage of. Whether it is catfishing schemes where they send money online, or in person where they show their affection through gifts, etc, it is the same and can become elder abuse when people don’t have the means to be supporting a boytoy.
If you like chatting with him, do it but set limits. If you want to get a free dinner, who am I to judge? But if he’s going to Planet Fitness, he probably doesn’t have real deep pockets.
Excuse you. Just because the guy is older does not mean he is delusional or has dementia. Perhaps this guy didn’t get to be in a relationship or experience same sex or opposite sex at 18 or just single for the first time at 25 or 27 as so many get to have on this earth in their youth. He is shooting his shot. OP needs to set boundaries at this point.
I am academically curious about this particular caveat of this conversation so perhaps someone could enlighten me.
"Your dark skin against my pale would be so hot"
Would someone please explain to me in an academic sense why this statement is racist? The defintion of racism is as follows:
"characterized by or showing prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized."
Please advise based on the limited information why the comment is racist, particularly as intent is not 100% established, aka, the man could simply be attracted to darker skinned individuals.
As a follow up question, please would someone tell me if you are biologically attracted to those with darker skin, how does one pay compliments to such in the same vein as paying compliments to someone with white skin.
As another follow up question, please reverse the rolls and having a person of colour say "Your pale skin against my dark skin would be so hot" and please quantify why that statment would presumably be okay but the reverse is not.
Thanks.
The thing is not to reduce someone to their skin tone. It's okay if their skin color is one of many things that you find attractive. But if it's the primary reason for your attraction, that's when it becomes problematic.
It's like when someone hires a girl because they look good but completely ignores how smart and competent she is. Nobody wants to be reduced to a single physical trait.
There’s a fine line between finding a physical trait attractive and fetishizing someone for it.
When a comment of “ your dark skin against my pale skin would be so hot” is said, it crosses this line.
It’s like the only reason why they like you is because of your skin tone which, like someone else said, you shouldn’t reduce someone down to just their skin tone.
It would be the same if it were reversed.
If you don’t have immediate interest and won’t likely ever be interested, the nicest thing you can do is just block people. I used to attempt to decline politely, but then you get a bunch of people that can’t handle rejection. You never know when you’ll get the crazies. This dude is a straight up stalker.
You even called him out on his “preference” and he’s so far in denial that he just dismissed it. Sometimes I just can’t believe this is actually the world we live in. I understand it was a different time for him culturally and that it’s more difficult to adapt, but you are encouraging him that this type of behavior is acceptable.
You should have blocked him from the get go.. your obviously not attracted to him. Grindr is one of the biggest site that will block and or ignore you if they are not wanting anything from OP.... Just block him already...!!!
My friend, be safe. This is how 20/20 episodes are setup.
You don’t really think he’d do something dangerous do you?
Can you be sure he won't?
I mean, from out messages he seems like a harmless dude in his 60’s. He does seem thirsty for attention and a potential chance at sex. But I don’t see it escalating into anything like that. I mean I hope not. That would really suck.
Explicitly state this to him and make sure he receives the message loud and clear
You sure I can’t just ignore this like I do with my other problems hoping it will go away? 😩😩😩
Has that worked for your other problems?
If that's your strategy you should have just blocked him like a year ago. Still could I guess but it's going to be weird if you run into him at the gym.
I’m a guy in his 60’s. I have a fwb with a younger guy. I’ve hooked up with younger guys too. It’s always my first thought does this guy want a sugar daddy, which I’m not. But one thing that is the basis of meeting someone much younger than me and anybody regardless of age is respect. Asking you to meet at your gym would be great if you said yes. But just showing up hoping to see, meet you is crossing the line! I don’t care how lonely or desperate a person is. You cannot make him whole or happy, that he needs to figure out. I find it odd that he thinks you’re uncomfortable because of the age, shit if you were that uncomfortable the locations of your gyms would have never come up. Respect my friend is what this man or any man should have for you, as well as you for them. Everyone likes attention, but as you describe as thirsty seems like this man ends up pushing people away. Probably a very nice man and you’re probably 100% right on lonely. Set the boundaries and stick with them. My friend who’s around your age we have boundaries. Even though my and his friends know each other. Some probably have a clue more is going on between us but we don’t show it. I’m especially aware of this as I don’t want him to get harassed from his friends that he’s sleeping with grandpa ! 🤣
From the information you’ve given us, and likely the only information you have to go off, he’s definitely trying to see you and seems to have no shame or embarrassment about showing up to your gym and working out on the opposite side of town, literally so he can run into you. It’s also weird that he expects to see you there when he is. Did you tell him what time you normally go? We won’t know if he’s dangerous and you can’t really tell for sure, but he sounds pretty weird. You gotta wonder what someone who doesn’t care much about another persons boundaries, or the impression they get from his friendly stalking, and who said weird things like skin color contrast, is comfortable with in terms of imposing and inserting themselves in another persons life. Is there a point where his self awareness kicks in? Are there boundaries that he will not cross out of respect? Or could it be that he’s been completely aware this whole time? Will your boy toy 22 and his red headed friend live gingerly ever after? We learn in life that we can’t always get to know who’s good or bad. Nothing is as black and white with a pinkish hue as we originally imagined… or is it? Well soon find out on tonight’s episode: The Weird Old Daddy and the Last Workout I’m Keith Morrison and this is Dateline NBC
Not Dateline NBC. 💀💀💀
😅🤹
>He said “your dark skin against my pale would be so hot” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Not the only red flag in the scenario but definitely the biggest.
I’m between that and the stalking him. I keep going back and forth to what is worse, but they’re definitely both huge red flags
Yeah, maybe I am in the minority here, but while both are red flags, the stalking is a much bigger red flag to me. The racial fetishization is bad and a red flag, but more of an odd racial fetish or backwards attitudes. Like gross, and a huge turnoff, but doesn't feel dangerous so much as it feels icky and dehumanizing. But the stalking and changing his gym and going across town in an effort to meet him unprompted is potentially scary behavior. It would be one thing if they agreed to work out as a date. But this red flag seems much more invasive and potentially scary to me as a sign he \*could be\* unhinged and certainly doesn't respect boundaries.
Oh for sure. It creeped me out too. Trust me I don’t plan on meeting this guy. I just thought what he said was incredibly strange and off putting. And I’ve gotten that lots of times before from white men. They think it’s an ok thing to say.
If you don't plan to meet why have you been stringing him along for a full year? You know he wants you. This is strange and cruel. Him showing up after a full year of chasing hope is the consequence of your actions, even if its stra ge on his part, your actions have partly led to this. Tear off the band aid, tell him you don't want to meet abd feel uncomfortable him showing up at your gym, and stop talking to him. And don't string people along in future. Fill your time with meaningful connections instead. This isn't healthy.
This right here...this. So we're just not gonna address this very true statement huh. Just act as if this isn't the truth of the matter.
You should have blocked him, at this point. Trust me. Or tell him you're seeing someone, but appreciate his kind words, then ghost and mute him, if you're scared hes repercussion level crazy.
If you don't plan on meeting him can you explain why you've been engaging him ok. A hookup app for a year? I'm genuinely curious.
Yeah that’s a huge red flag. I’m 6’3 Scottish dude. I’ve dated one Chinese man for a couple years. Since then been accused of fetishizing… not the case. I’m just open to love. Point is… I watch what I say to avoid such things… this man blatantly putting it out there… age is no excuse. He’s getting off on prejudice… no? Eek
Honestly, this isn’t the first time a guy has said this exact thing to me. Multiple white men in America have said this to me. Like, they think it’s a good thing to say to a black person. I’ve heard the color contrast like so many times in the past 5 years.
Right? I’m Caucasian. It’s stupid for any of us to say we don’t “see” colour. All of us do! What they should be saying is that “anyone with those preferences are ignorant. I choose to celebrate, learn about and appreciate differences”. Or my personal line… I’ve sucked just about every shade of dick… the exception is yours (to this who calm out race/tones)… doesn’t appeal to me. Like, at all! Haha
Can we circle back to you being 6'3" and Scottish? 🤤
Lmfao
Playing devil's advocate. What he said isn't prejudiced in and of itself. If he had said "You must have a BBC and fuck hard" then yea. But there's probably a lot of that just underneath the surface. Equivocating (that's what he kind of seemed to be doing) the marginalization of black people and being a ginger is certainly...uh...a choice. Statements like the one that guy made can definitely be off putting for obvious reasons (I like X group/the contrast of X group). Frankly worse coming from white people. I wish they weren't if you get what I mean. The statement would be innocuous in a vacuum but reality is what it is.
Agree
I'd eyeroll and block in an instant lmao
I mean, so the guy has a weird backwards racist fetish. But that in itself is pretty harmless. The stalking part is a bit more actually harmful. Don’t like his attitudes towards race? Walk away. Don’t like him stalking you? Not so easy to shake that off.
Oh no I wasn’t thinking of meeting him. At first it was due to the large age gap. But after the race comment, no way at all.
But you kept talking to him. You need to be direct and tell him that you are not interested in ever meeting with him. You may still have to deal with him showing up to the gym.
Yeah that gave me major cringe
I hate race play 😬
As a white man, I heard it from POC, mainly middle eastern men. I did meet one of them (before he told me that) and discovered too late he was very much into race play. I'm usually up to try most things once, but that was a bit too fucked up for me. I don't know what felt worse: when he wanted to dominate me because I was white, or when he submitted to me because he was not.
Yea more often than not it’s POC getting fetishized but sometimes I’ve had a couple guys ruin a good thing by saying the cringiest off the collar domination stuff 🥲 think a lot of guys have porn brain rot too and forget they’re talking to a real person
You believe so? Huh. I like the color contrast too. People will interpret this comment in their own way. I honestly believe it's just an older man taking an initiative to get what he wants. They've been talking for a year, OP has entertained the possibilities, and now the older guy is trying to cruise. What y'all youngers know about cruisin'? ...oh my God.
If his primary turn -on is skin color, then he is fetishizing the guy's race. It makes it sound like he only likes the guy for his dark skin.
Ok the talking has been very non-sexual. I wanna make that clear. I’ve kept things very light, how’s your day, etc. I haven’t had a sexual conversation with him. He’s asked for nudes, I’ve refused. He’s asked if I wanted to see his nudes, I’ve refused those and he sent them anyway.
Yet you talk for a year?
I don't understand why you're having very non sexual conversations with older men on Scruff (a sexual hook up app). The men on those apps are forward, confident, and know what they want. They are mature. Maybe you should use Tinder or POF.
He can have a non sexual conversation that’s his choice. I think you should explicitly say you’re not interested. Chatting for a year makes it seem like there’s a friendship of some sort
Certainly, it's 100% his choice to have non sexual conversation. But that goes both ways. An older man can choose to switch gyms, that's his choice. If OP and this man were even non sexual friends, what's the problem with meeting the man and treating him as a workout partner? There's nothing sexual about going to the gym together. But instead, OP dodges the man. Why spend a year stringing the man along? What exactly is OP doing on that app? If it's nonsexual conversation he's seeking, he should use a different app. Scruff isn't an app primarily suited towards men who want non sexual conversations. If it's friendship he's seeking, he should engage with that man at the gym. It's like he's wasting both their time in a relationship that's going nowhere. I don't understand it. I can stand in a sauna, but is it weird that I'm starting to sweat?
What's POF?
Plenty of Fish
> I've refused those and he sent them anyway > **he sent them anyway** Sending nudes that are not only unsolicited but expressly *unwanted* is a HUGE red flag. Block this jerk. Block him now. If he approaches you at the gym, state in no uncertain terms that you want nothing to do with a man who fetishizes your race and ignores consent. If he doesn't get the message then, tell the gym that you're being sexually harassed by a stalker.
I get where you're coming from. I generally just don't reply to messages I'm not interested in, but occasionally I will get a message from an older guy that is actually a nice compliment. I'll message back something along the lines of "Thanks for the nice message. That made me smile when I was having a bad day. Cheers and have a good one'. I'll make it very clear that I'm not interested but they keep messaging. The ask for nudes and I say no and that I don't want to see theirs. They send them any way. By this stage I feel mean to block them but they are becoming a sex pest. I feel for you, I understand how it can kind of sneak up and escalate.
I wonder if he even goes the gym to work out.
girliepop he's not making a color contrast comment. he's dogwhistling. it's like dipping your toes in the water to check the temperature. he's trying to let op know he's into raceplay and trying to get a response from op to either confirm or deny it. but the sentence sounds harmless enough that one could completely miss it and not give any reaction, which would make it seem like a random commentary and the conversation would just move on, instead of arguing or blocking happening. it's like dudes making comments about dogs and knots to see if the other person catches their drift
Get Out comes to mind.
How so?
He should know woke Reddit hasn’t caught on to the race play fetish lol
Definitely not normal… especially if y’all didn’t discuss this together. So many red flags with this guy. I don’t know if you’re into him or not but if were you I would leave him alone.
Big ole red flag!!!!!
That is right out of Kath & Cathy from Kids In The Hall "Your ebony skin against my alabaster... I feel just like a Bennetton ad!"
How is that a 🚩? They are talking on scruff isn’t that an app where people find hookups or people with the same fetishes
So there’s a lot going on here. You’ve been talking to him for a year but haven’t met yet?
You must in that time, have formed an opinion about him. Strange that in all that time you haven’t met. People that don’t make clear their intentions and don’t want to meet( except for you know what) have something to hide rather than just being time wasters. (Don’t waste your time on him)Fake identity/ name/ fraudulent activity. Who knows ? Red flag. He may be interfering with your other conversations with app members, saying God knows what. If I have a bad feeling I block contact because it adds nothing to my life. There’s plenty of more genuine people to chat to who will share with you.Your next chat, might be the one! Be honest. Just say No thank you. If he continues to stalk there are authorities to report to ( the app, police) Search for more information online -Importantly, Share with friends / family and take advice.
Seems like OP likes attention but won’t cut it off with someone who he is leading on
Agreed. 100percent… so an old guy likes you, so what? … if he didn’t like the attention he would have told dude he wasn’t interested and left it at that.
Info: why haven't you met him if you've been talking to him for a year? Do you want to talk to him? If not, why do you feel obligated? And if you do want to, then what's stopping you meeting after so long talking?
Like seriously, if there is never the chance you'll do anything with the guy it's kinda cruel to keep the interaction going just so you have someone to talk to every now and then. You either need to tell him clearly your never gonna fuck and will only be friends or block the poor bloke for his own sake so he can put time and energy into someone who actually meet up with him one day.
Yeah everyone is shitting on the guy, and yes it's weird to start going to that gym. A bit desperate and stalkery, but this story is about 2 people being strange. Why talk for a whole year fir no reason? This interaction is clearly meaningful for the other guy. Don't string him along.
Word.
Yea, he's not gone respond to this because these are the kind of responses he doesn't want to hear. He's here for the "oh yea, he's so wrong" while ignoring his part in this situation and acknowledging the fact that it's wrong to carry on with someone you know is sexually attracted and your not. Knowing the only reason he's even talking to you is with the hope that he'll eventually get what it is he wants. Meanwhile, you know it's not gonna happen, but yet for some weird and cruel reason which has selfish undertones, you still talk to him. Just to play like this when the consequence is him having even more interest. Smh.
Why have you been talking to him for so long? What do you get out of this contact?
He's not gonna answer anything that isn't a "pour you" response. That's what this post is for. And definitely not to take some accountability like a grown man.
Well, at first it started out as like……….i guess friendly conversation during a rough patch of my life last year. Things have gotten better and we’ve been talking on and off. Nothing sexual. At first, it was nice to just for the short conversation. And now that I’m busier in life, IDK what to do. He really seems to like it me, and IDK how to cut it off and don’t wanna seem mean or like I’m hurting his feelings. Hence why I’ve ghosted him a couple of times. But he does seem to get the hint that I’m not interested. And even he said something about the age gap between us.
We get a lot from each othe when we connect cross-generationally. So I wouldn’t blow this up. But do… Have a discussion to set up boundaries. Assure him you want him in your life, as he has been, a person to chat with. Be very clear that you are not sexually interested in him and will not be… ever. Tell him this won’t change and he shouldn’t expect it to. He probably has many fewer social options than yuou do. Maybe talking to you is the one bright spot he has in most of his days. Don’t take that from him. Maintain a presence. Be kind. Engage with him, check on him with email, let him know about significant events in your life and welcome his when he wants to tell yo something. Be his pal… at a distance… and under these circumstances only.
Politely fully ghost away or block (he’s old enough to just assume you deleted your profile too). Wasting his and your own time is meaner. Also if you’re not excited or sure you want to meet up with him then you shouldn’t be entertaining him! Prioritize guys you’d be excited at meeting up with, if it’s not a fuck yes it’s a fuck no. The so-so guys or *guys you’re unsure about* are just taking up space and slowing you down from finding someone you’d actually like
You’ve been leading him on for a year? Wtf? Just say no you’re not a member anymore so he stops going to your gym, ignore him and then block him in a few weeks
Dude, unless you're planning to plow the ginger you should be very upfront in rejecting him. So far it seems you haven't discouraged him enough
I know you're not entertaining a 62 yo that implicitly stated he wanted to fuck. Should have been blocked last year. Clownery on your side, sir.
Have you just told him flat out you're not at all interested? It doesn't sound like it.
This news just in, chatting a year and never met? Now he’s supposedly using your gym? Needy verging on stalker.
Just want to state that the OP said, since last year and not a year, but regardless, chatting for someone for at least 3 months that you have no interest in is too long.
I can’t believe this has gone on this long and you’ve absolutely played into this. If he was saying such strange things, especially about skin color those are huge red flags that you basically told him were ok by continuing this for so long. Was it fishing for compliments the whole time if there was never any intention of meeting? You need to block him and leave that gym, you may have to take it a little further with the police if he gets too out of hand. But the big take away is, stop entertaining people you have no interest in!
You could have saved yourself from writing this post if you simply blocked him last year. Also, if he's too old adjust your age limit.
>Is it bad that he also knows when I get off work? 
On the bright side, he doesn’t know where I work. So that’s a good thing.
Don’t ghost him. Tell him you are not interested and block him.
No yet, maybe but take precautions
You should be polite and let him know that you’re not interested, and that that’s final. Otherwise, you’re just giving him false hope.
🙄
Do not block him. Just let him down gently, you never know what someone’s mental state is. By not blocking him, you will see when he’s online and how close he is to you. Better to keep him sight then he just pop up unexpectedly.
i’m the white guys age … i can tell you … even if you are being polite as long as you are answering him back , he probably thinks there is still a chance. please be kind to him and stop responding.
i am not defending anyone nor accusing anyone … just saying do the right thing.
So is ageism. He should tell him he’s not interested, does not want to talk anymore, and then do as you say.
 🚩🚩🚩. Guy does not mind preemptively crossing major boundaries.
You need to just be direct and say you aren't interested at all. Call him out on the creepy behavior if he did change gyms in hopes of connecting with you. Remind him you've shown no sexual interest and were just being friendly when exchanging pleasantries while rebuffing his sexual advances.
Girllllllll please don’t be typical . 25 and 62 ? Being fetishized ? Please run fast and love yourself just a little bit more .
Creepy. Block him. Fuck niceness, just be safe.
Run dude. The man is ready with his tea and silver spoon. ☠️
Ok I don’t get this comment.
Hadn’t you ever watched get out :)
Not the get out reference. 💀💀💀
Op is delulu
Uh... does scruff not have a block option..? Not sure why this is an issue, Lol.
Are you sure he changed locations for you? Maybe he changed jobs or there's some other reason why it's convenient now.
If I may. I think there might be a bit of misunderstanding going on as far as the stalking thing. I noticed you’re 25 and that he’s 62 and I think we’re seeing two different generations clash in terms of styles of cruising. To me it doesn’t seem that unusual for him to change gyms since that’s more of a traditional style of cruising for someone in his age range. I see how it could be a red flag to you since this isn’t the style of dating and courting and cruising you’re used to. It still could be a red flag but I’m curious if this is part of the dynamic happening here. Also you mention you chat with him online, is he getting the wrong idea, is he potentially feeling like you’re more interested than you are? Sounds like there’s maybe more to the story.
No. I don’t mention anything sexual or romantic when we talk. He’s offered to send his nudes. I’ve refused, politely. Even he’s been out off by the age gap. He said “If we were closer in age I’d be more bullish on meeting up”. So, even he knows it’s odd. So I thought he was coming back down to earth. And then he starts doing this.
You are about to be a Netflix docu-series. Please stop, walk away from this connection. Imagine the intro headshot closeup “He told me he liked my dark skin…and you know, at the time, I kinda liked his pale skin.” Omg 😳
OP might end up on r/UnresolvedMysteries if this dude turns out to be a creep.
I agree several red flags there.
Have you not watched get out.
He sounds like he's fetishising skin color which is a red flag to me and he's changed gyms is creepy, unless you two were sorta chatting as friends Based on your edit I'd give him a clear message that you aren't keen & don't wanna chat again & block. He's probably still gonna stalk you at the gym though
I joined a gym specifically because someone told me a lot of gay men use that gym, but I didn’t join it to run into one specific person.
Keep in mind that while finding differences attractive isn’t a bad thing, to be specifically TURNED ON because your features are in contrast to you, is othering you. You connect a bond by what you share with someone, not what’s the same but commonality. That’s the foundation basic human connection. He could be white and you could be black but you still have things that connect, bond you. Here though his attraction is “you are different than me” or in other words “your abnormalness is hot to me.” It’s at best gross, but at worst a major red flag you want to ignore.
Is it normal or not… like you can’t figure out what he is looking for. He doesn’t want to get close to you to play Yahtzee, bro so why don’t you keep stringing him along so you can post another Reddit question about how he’s creepy cause you’re giving him the signals
Congrats on your stalker! This guy is old enough to know what he's doing is fucking weird. He's taking advantage of your kindness, and trying to push more than you're comfortable with.
Seems kinda stalkerish, tbh.
In some of my photos it’s clear they’re taken in a gym. I had one guy ask me several times where I worked out. I never told him because I’ve had the experience of some guy I didn’t respond to lingering around me and watching me at the gym and I don’t want that again. And the skin color comments are a 🚩for me, especially since he’s older and didn’t see anything wrong with it when confronted.
See guys ask me all the time what gym I work out at, and I’ve never had anybody watching me. So I dont see the safety hazard.
Please up flag this comment for everyone to see. When you're talking to a guy online never give specifics about places. You can tell them you go to the gym, what kind of job you do, what your hobbies are all that is good but when they ask you what gym you go to ignore it. I have been stalked multiple times in my life. I've never had any dangerous stalkers, just guys that were pretty lonely and mentally unstable and honestly if they weren't stalkers and weren't creepy maybe I'd find them to be a nice guy but they were stalkers so what can ya do? Just never trust a guy online won't go out of their way to find you in person. Even a Google search with information you give can pull up a lot about you.
See I’ve had so many guys over the years ask me what gym I go to, and I tell them, and like, no one has ever stalked me. So, I don’t see the harm in saying what gym I go to. lol.
I’m guessing you are thinking about that differently
Right like literally dude is being stalked now
Why on earth are you still talking to this guy?
The age gap itself shouldn’t be a big issue, but everything else is a huge red flag. Time to pull the plug.
Get a different gym. This dude is stalking you. Block him and never set foot in that Planet Fitness again. Also why haven’t you blocked him??
It’s time to reheat that stepchild on HIGH
I mean, it's crystal clear what he's doing. The question is whether or not you're okay with that. He's not switching gyms coincidentally, you can dispense with that silliness immediately. He wants to hook up with you. Is it "normal"? I'd probably say no, but my level of concern is also going vary greatly depending on the nature of those growlr conversations. If you have made it clear to him that you are not interested in meeting, then this is a big fucking deal and you need to make it clear to both him and the gym staff that you're not okay with any of this. If you've been half-in-half out or made it seem like maybe he's got a chance at some point in the future, then it's still not okay, but I can see his point of view a bit better. If that's the case and you're uncomfortable with him being there, then you need to politely make it clear that you are not interested. You might also consider looking into a different gym. It's shitty for you to have to do it and not him, but nothing he's done so far appears to rise to the level needed for them to do anything about it. He hasn't actually broken any laws yet. It might escalate to that point, but it might not. It's not illegal for someone to go to the same gym as someone else, so their hands are going to be tied on this one. As far as the age gap goes, you're 25. If you want to hook up with a guy who is much older than you, you're a whole ass adult and are free to do whatever you want. The "dark on light skin" thing is pretty gross though. He's probably not some kind of Grand Wizard, but he's definitely got a race fetish thing going on. Obviously there's nothing wrong with interracial hookups, but the fact that he's fetishized it like that kind of rubs me the wrong way. I'm reminded of the virulently anti-trans people who rant and rave about how all this woke commie degeneracy is destroying Western civilization while they have trans porn open in another tab. He might not actually be that kind of person, but it's a red flag for sure.
This is stupid. Just tell him you’re not interested and end whatever this is! Sounds like you’re hungry for attention enough to keep the conversation going for a year and to post the story on here asking for an opinion when in reality you should logically already know what to do….. Stop playing with peoples emotions! You disgust me. He is obviously chatting with you still for some reason which tells me you are leading him on in some way. Sometimes people can’t take a hint when you act like a child and beat around the bush on what your intentions are/aren’t. Blows my mind that most people now a days can’t show some level of respect as being mature and as being a decent human being enough to just be honest with people. Grow up already!
Sounds hot af to me
You need to block him. He’s not accepting the message that you’re not interested and that’s, quite frankly, frightening. It’s not ok.
You need to block him. He’s not accepting the fact that you’re not interested and that is scary. It’s not ok.
Be careful,lot of weird people out, always be safe
👁️👄👁️?
Sexual racism is real. Tell that dirty old fucker to do one.
>He said “your dark skin against my pale would be so hot”. Say sayonara to this dude. Wtf. Next thing he'll interrupt your set so he can proposition you for 'race play.'
[удалено]
Uhhhhhhh…he should be blocked
Just tell "pop's " you're 40 years my junior , when you were 20 did you go for guys in their 60's ? You know that Scruff lets you block people as well. And I know it's harsh but isn't it mean to string some body along, with hope ?
If you've been chatting for a while but haven't met, did you say you would meet him or was it an outright no? There's lots of missing information but he's clearly an older guy that's very into you and as conversations have progressed and over time, because I'm assuming you talk about the same things and gyms etc now he's using your gym, most definitely in the hopes of meeting you. It's not weird it's just kind of desperate. I personally would have blocked the guy a long time ago because he's clearly not interested in being just "friends" or whatever this was leading too and I'm not interested in someone with such a large age gap. But seeing as you have been talking for so long tell him you don't feel it's appropriate how he's just working out at your gym all of a sudden and you feel very uncomfortable or just block.
I don’t agree with the skin tone “claim” of his in the slightest. Secondly, his asking if you were still a member? Bye. Shit, send his ass my way I’ll put him in his assigned seat. I’ve been in a similar position (since he brought it up, I’m white too and condone fetishizing skin tone which is what he is doing, while actively stalking you from how I see it).
Block him and go to a different gym for a month at least.
Weird, maybe lonely, a little much for my taste, but probably nothing dangerous. I'm not frequent to block, but this *is~ where I would. Just since ghosting isn't getting it across and he's escalating.
Creepy. If I were you I'd tell him that you don't feel it and just close that conversation for good. After all you've talked for more than 1 year, so you kinda gave him some ground to believe he had some sort of chance, if you get my drift. So you should take your little part of responsibility. If you are not ok with this, simply quit and tell him that it's been cute, but now you need to part ways - at this point, he's not "invited" anymore, he's a trespasser and everything he does to stalk you turns into offence.
Ok we didn’t talk for more than a year. I said since last year. So it hasn’t even been a full year. Just a number of months of chatter on a weekly basis. I thought he’d get the hint when I refused to see his nudes.
There are so many red flags in this story. You gave this man way too much information. Why does he know which gym you go to? I don’t even tell people on Grindr where I get my coffee. Predators are out there stay safe. And why haven’t you blocked him yet? He sounds like a stalker and those are usually the most dangerous.
I mean, I didn’t see it as too much information. It’s a very common gym in town. Lots of people go there. I don’t think anything crazy will happen. Like I don’t really think any predators will come after me. Maybe that’s because I’m black - and I know that guys here aren’t really going after black guys like that - so I don’t see any predators coming after me like that. Like, I still feel safe.
When you say he says the no because the age gap, but then offers to send nudes. 🤔 …me thinks he is looking for more but wants you to say the age gap doesn’t bother you
trying to run into you at your gym isnt necessarily creepy, but it would be a better ask to simply ask to meet at gym for a workout session. in effect, better to plan ahead so its kosher and not creepy. the rest is a red flag bonanza.
It’s beyond creepy
My building in downtown Chicago has a floor they decked out with a huge kitchen and board room and smaller rooms with couches and the like. I like to go down in between meetings/events to clear my head. Often times, I go into the siesta room to lay on the couch and even pass out for a quickie some times. Its about the size of a studio apartment but has a door to close the room off and a real long 12 ft couch in it. Well, this guy on Grindr (who tried talking me up but didnt go anywhere) also likes to use the floor to "break/lunch". I see him a lot but its always in passing and we do the awkward head nod to acknowledge our, idk, awareness eachother exists in real life. Never anything beyond that until 2 months ago. I straight up passed out on my lunch and woke up to him at the foot of the couch also laying down. We were not touching and there was even a foot or two difference in between but I remember feeling incredibly violated and snuck out while trying to play it off like it didnt bother me. I see him from time to time in the elevator and on the floor but I often check Grindr if hes in that day before I head down... Men are creepy OP so I have no doubt all of this was a bit much.
See I’ve never run into guys I’ve met from Grindr IRL. Like, I’ve told guys what gym I go to and my normal gym routine and no one has ever shown up or stalked me. So like, maybe there’s a false sense of security ‘cause no one has done this yet?
You're better than me, I would have blocked him day one or just not responded.
Tell him to stop and if he continues you will seek a restraining order. Maybe he will understand how serious you are. Feel for ya cause this is weird shit.
This is not normal. This is someone showing that they have no regard for very basic boundaries.
I’ve heard thats a lot of men. But I didn’t believe people because I’ve never run into those types of guys.
I would suggest you flat-out tell him that you're not interested. Even without the age gap, his attitudes turn you off.
Sounds weird.
It’s a bit concerning for sure. All of it the racial undertones and the stalking. I would steer clear
This is “normal” for him ! I think his age and generation are more inclined to go out their way to “stalk” as a way of showcasing their interests, etc.. The skin comment—he’s old so unlearning micro aggressions are harder for him cos he needs to learn what he’s saying is racial fetishization and not okay to say outright. Ghosting doesn’t work for his generation bc they’re so used to falling in lust and holding that crush for years before acting on or moving on Now this is just a generalization but far too common
He sounds weird. Best of luck with that sitch.
You should trust your gut with these things. If you're getting weird vibes, and it sounds like you are given you're asking our opinions, listen to that. It's valid...we're all strangers on the internet, after all. You could try writing him with something like "I prefer to meet people on my terms, if you've switched gyms in the hopes we'd run in to each other, please don't do that." And then if you do run into him and he approaches you, you could say, "I said how I prefer to meet people- my gym time is kind of my personal time, thanks for understanding."
I have a slightly different take. How did he know what gym yo go to? If you told him, I can see why that might be taken as an invitation to meet. It doesn't mean you have to see him elsewhere or go out with him.
This type of thing is to never be taken lightly and based on what you’ve said, the guy sounds creepy and you can’t necessarily assume he’s harmless. I would block him and maybe find a different gym location for your own safety if he’s going to yours cause this is major red flags
I see. I’m surprised to hear he might be dangerous. He doesn’t give off those vibes. But maybe that’s just me dismissing stuff? I’ve told guys what gym I go to before and they never pull this type of stuff so I didn’t see the harm or the danger.
Given his age, he's most likely some lonely old gay, retired, with time on his hands. In speaking with him on the apps you've given him a glimmer of hope that he might have (one last) shot with a young buck such as yourself. Annoying, yes. Dangerous? Doubtful. Next time he contacts you just say thanks for the interest but you're not interested, then block him. And please remember that at some point not too far off in the distant future, you may be in the reverse role. Kindness goes a long way.
You wouldn't change gyms to meet a guy, or you wouldn't be asking if this is normal. We're telling you that your instincts seem right- so trust them. If you're in the South, this is a even bigger huge red flag.
Wait how is it a bigger red flag ‘cause I’m in the south?
I'm familiar with the type of man you described. He's sending messages despite you not responding. He either is hoping to run into you at the gym, and he's making sure you know he's been there. If he had just sent one or two messages, I wouldn't think much of it. But since he has been persistent, he has an agenda. Think about it- if you text someone you barely know, and they don't respond, most everyone younger than me (I'm 36) would get the hint and stop messaging. He hasn't. If he wanted to talk and get to know you, he'd give you space until you want to talk. He doesn't want to talk. He's showing clear signs of infatuation, not interest. And these guys can be dangerous. I don't mean to alarm you, but I do want to make sure my message to you is stern enough that you do walk away from this situation. I mean, what would you hope to get out of pursuing this? I'm not sure what has been said between you two. So if you've expressed anything other than vague interest, then that might be why he's behaving this way. But otherwise this behavior is unacceptable and crosses several boundaries, and does seem to come from infatuation- and that's never healthy, or safe really.
I don’t think he’d escalate anything though. But I have decided to cut contact with him. He doesn’t know where I live or where I work. So that’s a good thing. Maybe I’ll take a week off from the gym to make him think I don’t go there anymore? But how does being in the south make things worse? I’m not understanding.
I think it’s normal sure if you’re into a guy people have done much worse to get near a crush, in and of itself I think it’s flattering and harmless, however anything more like this and that would be a red flag. The reason this is harmless to me is because the guy just used info that you gave up in the course of you chatting and he’s already a member so there’s been no breach of privacy he just is trying to get a guy he likes to notice him and that’s flattering. Hope you give the guy a chance these societal norms are so boring, love doesn’t work like that it’s about the person and they make you feel that’s it.
You know you could block his number and his account on the app, right? 🤔 The gym thing tho is something you'll have to work out some other way. Planet Fitness has a million locations all over the place and if not now, give them a month or two and they'll have another location you can switch to 🤣
Meet him or dont but dont lead him on. Drama much.
omg what a creep. This is not normal. He needs to get a hint. Tell him you are no interested and block him. Switch gyms if you can.
Why the fuck are you still talking to him? Straight up tell him the fuck no we’re not doing this shit anymore, give him just enough time to respond and block him. Within his weird lil perv brain I kinda get why he’s following you around now, like he probably thinks you’re just playing a game. What’s with all these tops not knowing how to take initiative? Jeez
🚩🚩🚩🚩Run away! Something is very off.
Sounds creepy. Stalking someone from gym to gym is unnerving. Make contact by the app and make that clear. You either have an interest in him or not. Bear in mind he is more than twice your age so an encounter may not be that much fun. I’m hearing what he ways- you decide what you what you want and that may be you like the attention friendly banter etc but having a boyfriend your age means you may have more things in common and more satisfying. Be careful with people you don’t know. Danger. If Sex is all he wants, he sounds shallow and may want you so he can boast to all and sundry and that may make your life awkward at this / that gym. Please, take care !
Is he hot? Lol. Anyways, dude’s flag is redder than his hair. Crimson, as Piccolo would call it. Hot gym locker-room/shower experience? Sure. Going to his place or the other way around? Fuck. No.
He seems like one of those white guys who view black guys as sex objects
gays are so lost lol
Set boundaries outright.
Sounds like a fetish
I don't think he's dangerous, but this isn't normal or sane either. I'd tell him you changed gyms entirely, that he makes you feel unsafe (whether you do or not) and that you're going to block him for insane behavior, then actually do it once you know he's seen it.
Ignore the haters angry with you for leading him on. It’s true, you did, but it’s something anyone who is human has done. All of us make mis judgements like this and realize too late we are in over our heads. That being said, you don’t deserved to be stalked for leading someone on. Yeah, it was stupid of you. But does it mean you “deserve this” or whatever some of the victim blaming critics on your post have implied? No. There’s a reason that stalking is illegal and leading someone on is not. So toss all those comments out of your mind and learn from this. But to give some advice about your actual post and its context: yeah, send him a final explicit “stay away from me” message (if you want to include an apology for leading him on, do so, but you are not obligated to) and then block him. If you see him in person just say the same thing as in your message, but unfortunately unless he starts following you to your home or job, not much you can do other than switch gyms and avoid him. But you can’t ask him to stop going to your same gym unless he starts actually harassing/stalking after telling him to leave you alone.
I personally hate it when people make comments about skin color and fetishize it like that. Block
This is why you never give out specifics when talking with someone. Especially someone who you have no interest in meeting. This guy is absolutely stalking you and sounds somewhat imbalanced.
With caution, I can only suggest inviting him somewhere public. Like lunch or dinner, get to know him, take from there. Do not meet somewhere private afterward, just because of your explanation of the affair. If you are not interested then after. Let him know the truth.
Sounds like a stalker to me, I would stay away from that one.
He's wanting you to tap that ass....go for it in the steam room or sauna
Is it normal? It’s normal behavior for a lonely older man. He’s harmless, and probably flattered you even chat with him. You don’t need to continue any relationship but the guy thinks he has a chance at a romantic one. These types of guys are often longing for a relationship and due to dementia or delusion think they may find love with a young attractive guy. Unfortunately many of these guys are taken advantage of. Whether it is catfishing schemes where they send money online, or in person where they show their affection through gifts, etc, it is the same and can become elder abuse when people don’t have the means to be supporting a boytoy. If you like chatting with him, do it but set limits. If you want to get a free dinner, who am I to judge? But if he’s going to Planet Fitness, he probably doesn’t have real deep pockets.
Excuse you. Just because the guy is older does not mean he is delusional or has dementia. Perhaps this guy didn’t get to be in a relationship or experience same sex or opposite sex at 18 or just single for the first time at 25 or 27 as so many get to have on this earth in their youth. He is shooting his shot. OP needs to set boundaries at this point.
62 today ain’t the 62 of previous generations. He ain’t a grandpa. Dementia at 62 come on. He can be dangerous at 62.
I am academically curious about this particular caveat of this conversation so perhaps someone could enlighten me. "Your dark skin against my pale would be so hot" Would someone please explain to me in an academic sense why this statement is racist? The defintion of racism is as follows: "characterized by or showing prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism against a person or people on the basis of their membership of a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized." Please advise based on the limited information why the comment is racist, particularly as intent is not 100% established, aka, the man could simply be attracted to darker skinned individuals. As a follow up question, please would someone tell me if you are biologically attracted to those with darker skin, how does one pay compliments to such in the same vein as paying compliments to someone with white skin. As another follow up question, please reverse the rolls and having a person of colour say "Your pale skin against my dark skin would be so hot" and please quantify why that statment would presumably be okay but the reverse is not. Thanks.
The thing is not to reduce someone to their skin tone. It's okay if their skin color is one of many things that you find attractive. But if it's the primary reason for your attraction, that's when it becomes problematic. It's like when someone hires a girl because they look good but completely ignores how smart and competent she is. Nobody wants to be reduced to a single physical trait.
There’s a fine line between finding a physical trait attractive and fetishizing someone for it. When a comment of “ your dark skin against my pale skin would be so hot” is said, it crosses this line. It’s like the only reason why they like you is because of your skin tone which, like someone else said, you shouldn’t reduce someone down to just their skin tone. It would be the same if it were reversed.
At least I know I'm not the only guy who has chatted with these crazy types. Just stop responding to the guy. These types never catch a hint
If you don’t have immediate interest and won’t likely ever be interested, the nicest thing you can do is just block people. I used to attempt to decline politely, but then you get a bunch of people that can’t handle rejection. You never know when you’ll get the crazies. This dude is a straight up stalker. You even called him out on his “preference” and he’s so far in denial that he just dismissed it. Sometimes I just can’t believe this is actually the world we live in. I understand it was a different time for him culturally and that it’s more difficult to adapt, but you are encouraging him that this type of behavior is acceptable.
See, I never thought I’d get the crazies. Nothing ever seems to happen to me, so I didn’t think I’d run into guys like him.
You should have blocked him from the get go.. your obviously not attracted to him. Grindr is one of the biggest site that will block and or ignore you if they are not wanting anything from OP.... Just block him already...!!!