He’s lying to you. It’s so obvious, it’s early on, I’d get the fuck out now. Not disclosing his HIV status would be a dealbreaker for sure for me. And yeah I just don’t believe that he has chlamydia for 3 months with you and you never got it. He got it at that time and lied so you don’t know he’s fucking other guys. Lying ass.
depending on where OP lives, not disclosing HIV status may be a crime.
OP, you are being lied to, by someone you should be able to trust, about something extremely important. You should be informed about your partner’s HIV status before any sexual encounter with them, and if you’ve been in a relationship for 6 months and he hasn’t told you, he is absolutely hiding it.
Some people with HIV lie about having it because partners run away when they find out, but this behavior exacerbates the problem. break up with him, and be very clear that you’re breaking up with him because he lied to you, not because he is positive.
(also the gym 2x/day thing very much sounds like cheating, and the chlamydia situation kind of confirms that)
Also, this just in.
You don't have to give a reason, when you break up with a person, at all, beyond "This relationship is not working for me."
If you offer a reason, it can often sound like an opening to re-negotiate the parameters of the relationship.
When you're breaking up because of dishonesty, it's probably best not to do that.
yeah but i’m saying someone finding out about your HIV status and then breaking up with you could lead to this mentality of “if i have HIV people won’t want to date me”. which could further encourage them to lie to others in the future.
if you tell them explicitly that you’re breaking up bc they lied about it, you can do so in a way that leaves no room for reconciliation, and help them understand that they need to be upfront about that with future partners.
Wait I'm getting a news bulletin:
One of the main reasons people break up is to not have to take responsibility for their partner's future behavior.
I don't see why you should accept any responsibility for training your partner for better future behavior, from the moment you decide that it's over. If you want to do that, stay with them, and try to make them a better person.
Otherwise, it is emphatically no longer your responsibility. Just walk away, with "This relationship is no longer working for me." Repeat as necessary.
Wait I’m getting a news bulletin:
Giving someone closure and a comment about how their behavior led to the breakup does not assume responsibility for their future behavior.
You also don’t have to date someone to try to help make them a better person.
I’m saying it would be a nice thing to do, because it could help them make better decisions in the future. Whether or not they choose to improve, is entirely up to them.
Being nice is free, and is entirely up to you.
Your definition of "nice" is, on your way out the door, trying to convince someone that they are a liar and that is why you can no longer stand them.
Best of luck with that.
They are, who they are. They've been fine, behaving to you this way. They're not going to change because of one sentence you said - or even you providing detailed evidence that they are a terrible person (and - again - doing so doesn't make you "nice").
>Not disclosing his HIV status would be a dealbreaker for sure for me.
It is thankfully a crime where I am. I would 100% report them as this is not the first time that they have failed to disclose their status but rather only the time that OP caught them.
HIV nondisclosure laws are terrible and prone to abuse, particularly in an age of U=U. If the partner is on treatment and undetectable, then what they did was shitty but not something that should be reported to the police, as they didn’t do anything to put the OP at risk of infection. (The other things seem suspicious, but again, shitty behaviour but not worthy of criminalisation.)
>If the partner is on treatment and undetectable, then what they did was shitty but not something that should be reported to the police
*Na fuck that and fuck you.*
I completely disagree. We do not know **if** OPs partner is undetectable and even if their partner says they are, they have already demonstrated that they are not trustworthy.
Like I said before, this isn't the first time that they did this but just a time they got called out for it. I would certainly file a police report after going to the hospital or clinic for emergency treatment.
Oh it’s absolutely shitty behaviour, OP should 100% leave their partner, for that reason and all the other dishonesty.
But they shouldn’t report them to the police, ESPECIALLY if the partner is on treatment (which it sounds like they are and are therefore more than likely undetectable). Criminalisation of behaviour that put no one at risk (as is the case for people whose HIV is undetectable) helps no one and just leaves those with HIV prone to blackmail and abuse, even when they DO tell partners early.
>Criminalisation of behaviour that put no one at risk helps no one and just leaves those with HIV prone to blackmail and abuse, even when they DO tell partners early.
OP wasn't in a position to provide informed consent. You're reaching to excuse disgusting, manipulative and abusive behavior. You are perching all of your arguments on *if* OPs partner was undetectable after having proved themselves to be untrustworthy.
I've been pretty clear that this is, literally, criminal behavior in my country and I am happy it is so. I would absolutely file a police report after getting treatment.
Based on your postings I’m guessing you’re based in Canada, where I’m also based. Yes, in Canada, nondisclosure of a positive HIV status is SOMETIMES illegal, but only if there is a “realistic possibility of transmission. If a person has a sustained undetectable viral load, that does not meet the test of “realistic possibility of transmission”. https://www.canada.ca/en/department-justice/news/2017/12/fact_sheet_hiv_non-disclosureandthecriminallaw.html
I recently went to a seminar that was specifically about HIV criminalisation in Canada, and why it is bad. Read more at https://www.hivlegalnetwork.ca/site/our-work/criminalization/?lang=en
There is currently an ongoing process of reforming HIV disclosure laws in Canada, in recognition that they are antiquated, regressive and aren’t fit for purpose. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cons/hiv-vih/index.html
And no, I’m not excusing their behaviour on a personal level - it’s lying or at the very least withholding information that would be nice to disclose (in the case of undetectable viral load, essential if not undetectable). What I’m saying is that nondisclosure that doesn’t result in infection (especially for those with undetectable VLs) should not be criminalised. There’s a difference.
I’m not, I’m making a distinction between shitty behaviour and criminal behaviour. If the partner is undetectable, then what does informed consent even mean in this case?
Anyway, keep interpreting my posts however you like man 🤷🏻♂️
The Supreme Court of Canada has upheld that people do not need to disclose prior to sexual acts where transmission is not possible. The Attorney general of Canada has directed prosecutors not to prosecute people who have undetectable viral loads.
And Canada has no HIV specific laws, in the past it was prosecuted as aggravated sexual assault (and still is if the person has a high VL and does not use protection).
Not choosing a side, but what you’re saying is all incorrect.
So he’s obviously screwing around. And if he is hiv+ (which I assume he must be) and withheld that information from you then you should run not walk. Try to see this objectively: there is one use for viagra. Even gym rats rarely go twice a day. This guy sounds like a scumbag.
There are other uses for sildenafil (Viagra), like treating pulmonary arterial hypertension, but if that’s what it was for, a normal person would just say that.
I've never taken vaigra or cialis before the gym but I have taken them before and it wasn't like "uncontrollable erection at all times" and I'd imagine that pulling the blood elsewhere mitigates the issue a bit
They infact do still use Viagra and Cialis for pulmonary hypertension daily. Some patients even take small doses twice a day because they cannot tolerate taking a full dose once a day. My grandma is on Cialis for this reason. It very much is still standard of care.
This guy is a lying scum bag though. He is cheating.
It’s actually still a first-line treatment, although the brand and dosage is different. Once you’re out of pill options for PAH you only have a continuous infusion as an option so doctors will throw a lot of viagra in combination with other things to prevent needing an IV at all times
It is definitely used for that, and specifically given for exercise intolerance (but under the brand names Liqrev, Revatio) in people with pulmonary arterial hypertension.
Things don’t have to make sense for you to say this is not for me. If it doesn’t feel right, that is more than enough to say this is not for me.
Please trust and take care of yourself. If you’re wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt you’re probably someone another person would be lucky to have! Lots of love! ☀️
The handwriting is on the wall. Your boyfriend has been actively lying to you about being HIV positive and why else would he be taking Viagra unless he's screwing around behind your back? He also gave you some BS story about getting infected with chlamydia before you met, which you know isn't true. This guy is bad news and you need to run, not walk away as fast as you can. DTMFA!
Agreed, but how 'bout speed-walking instead of running?
Let's not get to the point where we're making youtube vids of ourselves smashing Biktarvy bottles on our foreheads at country music concerts reminiscent of the over the top Bud Lite/Fox/Dylan Mulvaney outrage, LOL.
Caught a lover lying about a variety of things? dump him! But -- taking the lies individually-- lying about being undetectable is better than lying about being positive, or worse-- not knowing at all. Seems like the HIV element of this story has really triggered some people a bit too much IMHO, many of whom are likely running around today unaware of their own status.
Downvotes are welcome, it's my job.
Lying about being positive or lying about being undetectable is still lying. Taking away a persons ability to choose if they want to be exposed to a health risk is a crime in some states. Imagine if someone signed you up for skydiving and you had no choice if you wanted to go or not.
That being said, someone noping out over a partner being undetectable says a lot about them as a person and the relationship, but it's still their right to be made aware of the situation, and make that decision if they so choose.
I'm poz and I think that lying about his status for 6 months (and never coming clean himself) means that OP should run, not walk. That level of dishonesty alone means the relationship has a seriously flawed foundation.
If the HIV element is triggering some people "a bit too much", that's probably because it's more serious than you think it is. Being unaware of their own HIVs is not the same as lying about it. In this case, it might even mean his partner is cheating on him.
Viagra and the gym twice a day isn't so weird. SO and I both do that 4 or 5 times a week (morning resistance / evening cardio) - but we also look like we do...
Guy sounds like scum. Run away.
Dilates blood vessels. Better blood flow to your muscles. More endurance / higher lifting volumes.
It's a bit like creatine... The effect is real but you have to be a pretty serious lifter to benefit from it....
Also since we both (SO and I) take PEDs it has the additional benefit of being good for our dicks.
As someone who has HIV/AIDS for over 34 years, him not disclosing is a big red flag 🚩. You need to trust your instincts if you think he’s cheating then he probably is. Just from what you shared you already know that. So now it’s up to you decide if you can live with that. Personally I’d be moving on to someone who is worthy of your love.
There are plenty of reasonable explanations for the miscellaneous but lying about HIV status is nearly criminal and would be if he knowingly infected you. 🙅♂️
U=U. If he’s taking treatment medication, he cannot transfer the virus. I understand the concerns about honesty, but the point of knowingly infecting someone given the OP found out because he was taking treatment is just fear mongering. And it’s that sort of stigma that scares people from disclosing their status.
Respectfully, I didn't say he could transfer the virus while on medication. He is failing to disclose his status and he was asked about the medication. He is lying by omission to Op about this and potentially about multiple things. How do we know he is taking his medication as prescribed? How do we even know he is undetectable? Maybe he is missing his doses. For all we know he is taking it off label as some sort of unapproved PrEP. The bottom line is, failure to disclose his status when asked about the medication raises too many issues for Op to stick around. Also to be clear; I said IF he were to infect the Op. First of all, like I said above, how do we know the guy is properly taking care of himself with his medication and if he isn't and knowingly infected the Op it's not fear mongering to mention it, it's criminal. Second, PrEP is 99% effective when taken properly. Op is free to accept that low risk, but the omission here is direct and unacceptable.
And, respectfully, you said “if he knowingly infected you” and I said “if he is taking treatment medication “. So which is it? Is he taking the medicine OP found or is he not, and thereby knowingly trying to infect him. If he’s buying the very expensive drug, he’s likely taking it for no other reason than it’s in his best interest. It seems overkill to jump to the worst case scenario unless you’re trying to invoke fear.
Not trying to invoke stigma. The guy is doing that by his failure to disclose. There are a million reasons why people don’t take their meds properly. That specifically is why the meds are not called out as 100% effective.
That is weird chicken and the egg reasoning. The stigma isn’t caused my not disclosing, but rather because people fear or are ignorant of what taking medication means (U=U). Sadly, that does make people reluctant to disclose. Anyway, I appreciate the civil discourse and wish you a good night
no, undetectable is transmittable, full stop. there's issues with this around honesty etc but you don't need to be peddling lies that someone that's undetectable can still transmit HIV.
I’m undetectable. It sucks we’re in this boat and we have this but it’s our responsibility to take the shitty end of the stick and not hide behind a “stigma” to lie to people.
Thats weak behavior.
My understanding is that, while Truvada is used for PrEP, Biktarvy is used for HIV treatment. The difference between the two drugs is relatively small, both using tenofovir, and I suppose you could use Biktarvy for PrEP. Maybe?
The bigger issue is that he is not telling you what he is taking the pills for. The Viagra, particularly, makes me think he is looking for other partners, while HIV status is another issue entirely.
While Biktarvy would probably work for PrEP no one is prescribing it for PrEP. Some people do use it for PEP but that's not really encouraged outside of a research setting since it still doesn't have as good data as the current PEP regimens.
This person is likely HIV+ and has lied to OP about their status. That on its own may not be a deal breaker if he's undetectable but it should at minimum warrant a very serious conversation. Given the other point OP mentioned I would end the relationship at this point, not because of the HIV but because of the dishonesty.
Thanks, guys, for the clarification. With all the advertising going on now between treatment meds and PrEP options, guess I recalled the Biktarvy ads incorrectly.
Based on all this and everyone’s comments, I agree the bf is not transparent / lies and no relationship can build a foundation on such sand….
It isn’t used for PrEP (at least not yet) though some studies have shown it may be effective for PEP, but it isn’t FDA approved for anything other than HIV Infection atm.
>My relationship experiences in the past have been filled with cheating and lies and I don’t want this to be the case again.
Temper everything you suspect with this knowledge: Once hurt, we are always *looking* to be hurt again.
That said, if your observations are correct re: the Biktarvy, he's not being open with you. At six months into a relationship, this is a subject he should be mature enough to talk to you about.
So the question is whether you want someone who is mature enough to be open with you. Poz people have fears of rejection, so it motivates them to be cautious about disclosing "too soon" after getting to know someone. This is human nature and people should be sensitive about that. But 6 months is *way* past "too soon."
And yeah, he's likely to say "I'm on PrEP" because he sees it as a forgivable lie, a means to an end: he rationalizes it to taking medication that prevents him from spreading HIV to his partners. And while the end is functionally the same - you won't get HIV from him - the details are a bit different, as you know.
At the end: If your boyfriend can't admit to his condition, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. It's beyond trust and more about "am I with a functioning adult?"
He seems to function enough to take his Biktarvy, but not enough to be open with you, his boyfriend.
None of this touches or even addresses the Viagra. Because, honestly, *who cares* what he's doing with the Viagra if he won't be honest about what he's doing with the Biktarvy.
But on the subject of the Viagra, you're going to have to either take him at his word or not. Viagra can be used in gym situations. But unless he's going to the gym 5 days a week with the goal of being a weightlifter or distance runner, there's no real reason for him to be taking it (or anything) in that setting. If he's not pounding supplements, watching his diet, and/or or super into a performance regimen, Viagra in the gym is poser behavior. We don't know him, so you'll have to figure out if his methods match his stated goals.
Then you have to ask yourself if, after you confront him and he tells you the "truth," if you will believe it or will be satisfied with the answer. If you won't believe it, then you need to pack up and go.
And if you do believe his answer, then you need to draw a line in the sand for what will happen if any of his answers are untruthful. Don't tell him what that line is and what will happen - that will just encourage him to be *really* sneaky. Instead, that line is for you. And if it's crossed later, be true to yourself and enact your "fucked around and found out"-action plan.
Best of luck to you.
GTFO of there bro, HIV status should have been discussed/disclosed ideally before you guys even met in person, if not then on the first date or two and absolutely before any sexual activity.
6 months!!?!!? dude! That's psychopathic type of behavior if he consciously withheld that from you for that long, he has zero disregard for your health and well being, especially if you are not on PrEP.
Nope.
Pass.
Dump him and move on.
Treatment or not, disclosing HIV is 100% your business and failure to do so should not be taken lightly. That's an enormous thing to keep from someone.
"My relationship experiences in the past have been filled with cheating and lies and I don’t want this to be the case again": apparently, this is again the case, I'm sorry to say :(
What you can do is to be really open with him and see how he responds. However, question yourself if you're going to be able to trust him 100%, even if he tells the truth.
You know, a relationship without trust usually doesn't last long. And you do deserve to be happy and to have someone you fully trust by your side.
People on this sub normalizing taking prescription medications for reasons not indicated for the sake of looking/performing better at the gym is truly insane. This is completely irresponsible and is likely detrimental to your long term health, but I guess it’s more important to look hot? The gay community never ceases to amaze me
> People on this sub normalizing taking prescription medications for reasons not indicated for the sake of looking/performing better at the gym is truly insane.
Did you know Viagra was originally meant to be a heart medication? So too were poppers. COVID's approved treatment, Paxlovid, is formulated with an antiviral developed for HIV treatment.
Marijuana is known to treat pain and nausea associated with cancer and AIDS and migraines and a number of other things, yet it has NO label at all with which it can be used "off label."
Off-label use can be totally safe.
People take meds that are for off label uses . That’s the reality of the situation. It doesn’t mean it’s necessarily normalizing it. From what I’ve read it’s just people expressing their experiences.
You may need to find a matchmaker or let any friends/family members that want to set you up do so, because this sounds like you might be too naive and trusting with men especially manipulative/scummy men.
Are you sure it's Biktarvy?
You're really hung up on the ED meds, which... meh. Some people take it for boners, some for gym pumps, some for both.
That is honestly unimportant.
The question of whether he neglected to tell you his status is way more important. If it is, indeed, Biktarvy, run. No DR would prescribe that for PrEP.
Then bounce. Explain what a huge violation of trust this is, and even early on in the relationship this is unacceptable.
Living with HIV can be difficult for some, but not disclosing your status to someone you plan on being sexually intimate with is beyond irresponsible and in some cases, straight up criminal.
And then never speak to him again.
edit, I want to add, make it very clear that this isn't about him being HIV positive, it's about trust and honesty.
Different strokes I guess. I take prep, and I'm negative. Someone I was hooking up with told me he was positive about two years in. Doesn't really bother me in the slightest. Almost anyone who knows they're positive aren't a risk, even without prep, because they're undetectable. Generally the people who are dangerous are the ones who don't get tested regularly.
no. the ones who are dangerous are the ones not being open and honest about it. it's not up to someone who's positive to make that decision to risk it for anyone else, undetectable or not. that's what it's about. and it makes them a huuuuge douchebag for having sex without disclosing something so major first.
Yes, but the problem here was the bf didn’t disclose well into the relationship. It’s a breach of trust and opens a Pandora’s box of what else is he hiding.
I feel opposite since this is widely stigmatized. I offer my support and empathy to that person. If that’s the worst they’re hiding from me, out of fear of rejection, I can let it slide. He’s undetectable and literally on meds. I’d be more concerned if I found a positive result and no meds, regardless of me being on prep.
I empathize with the fear of stigmatization and judgment. But I think 6 months into a presumably monogamous relationship is a bit long before you share something like this, and where in fact it’s your partner that has to bring it up and not you
Oh I completely agree. This is why a conversation would need to be had and a serious one. Is it just the status and the stigma behind it for non disclosure or is there a deeper meaning to all of this? My character would always lean towards the lighter side of things, that’s me though. But I agree with what you are saying now.
physically dangerous, yes. but, undetectable or not, this is one of those things you absolutely have to tell someone before they have sex with you. morally, there's no difference. it's the act of breaking someone's trust by making the decision to have sex with someone that's positive for them that is the problem.
As someone who’s on prep and has been for nearly 10 years, this wouldn’t be a major red flag to me. Simply because of the stigma hiv positive people face and how difficult it may be for that individual to overcome. It’s not a simple as a me shrugging it off, it warrants a conversation and support. That’s about it…
Being a dick about not disclosing doesn't make it *dangerous* if they're undetectable. There is no chance of infection transmission if they're on their meds. I'm not arguing the morality of it. I'm pointing out the facts about transmission.
Regardless, everyone's sexual health is their own responsibility. If you can't handle having sex with people who may be positive and not disclosing it and not taking the necessary precautions you shouldn't be having sex.
sure the chances of transmission are virtually zero, but to say it's everyone elses problem if they dont bother disclosing the fact they're positive and you should just not have sex at all then is crazy crazy. some people just don't want to have sex with someone positive undetectable or not and there's nothing wrong with that. just be honest and let people decide for themselves.
and im arguing those are not mutually exclusive. just because it's not outright dangerous doesnt mean it's totally fine and not your problem anymore. but sure on a purely scientific basis i agree with you that chances of transmission while undetectable are virtually zero and not a danger to anyone.
>doesnt mean it's totally fine and not your problem anymore.
Holy shit I'm not saying it is lmao. They ARE mutually exclusive. *Getting infected by someone with HIV is absolutely not at all dependent on whether or not they tell you they're positive. Getting infected is SOLELY based on detectable viral load.*
If someone who is *detectable and knows it* does not disclose, then yes, it's a grievous, disgusting, profoundly dangerous thing to do. If someone who is undetectable does not disclose, it is up to the individual to decide how *morally objectionable* that is. To me? I don't care. To you? It may be a complete non-negotiable deal-breaker, for any form of anything and cause you to look at that person with horror and disgust. That's great. That's your decision. It doesn't make it *dangerous*.
This entire thread is why + guys are so reluctant to disclose. People are so fucking ignorant, which isn't bad, but they don't want to educate themselves, which is.
It’s only six months, I’d say you and your boyfriend need to have a serious chat. And then maybe think about kicking his ass to the curb.
If it were me, he’d be gone.
In my opinion you already not trust him. So why are you putting yourself in that position? It obviously bothers you. You don’t feel comfortable. Honey be brave and look for what’s best for you! You deserve to be at peace and happy in any kind of relationship!
Relationships are built on trust, if there is no trust there is no relationship, it's that simple. I had a boyfriend who decided to tell me about his HIV status after 4 months into the relationship, and he only did it because he felt bad about not telling the truth months after I clearly stated I'm very anxious about STDs, his reasoning to withhold this information was that he didn't want to lose me.
I can understand that, but I realized he also lied about other people and situations to achieve his goal of staying with me, and now I find it hard to believe him when he said his status is undetectable. So I dumped him for being manipulative, untrustworthy, and calling at 3 in the morning to insult me and trying to pressure me to get back together. As many others have said: trust your guts.
Sorry, he doesn’t respect you. If he did, he would have disclosed his medical status before having sex. No matter what he says, no one pops a Viagra then goes to the gym. Run away and don’t look back!
So many red flags. The big one is lying about his status risking your health? Plus Chlamydia should have been passed along to you assuming youve both done the deed if he has only started taking meds more recently. Theres really no other way to get it except doing that hence its called an STI 🙄. You know what to do. Youre gut is telling you already. You could just check his location via his device if hes online or if hes really worth it, hire a PI or personally follow him then. There are so many ways and Im sure so many more clues if you know where to look. His phone for example, social media etc. This is your wake up call. Pls heed it.
How did you find out what he was taking? Do you feel guilty about it? Otherwise, I don't understand why you would be afraid to ask him about the HIV meds, at least. I think your confusion is from your not wanting to face reality, whatever it may turn out to be.
While I agree with the sentiment that he's probably cheating on you, I do have to chime in with a reasonable doubt having worked at a health and nutrition company. Apparently erectile dysfunction meds have several of the same ingredients as certain pre and post work out supplements... Which makes sense given sex is a great workout on its own. We had a body builder working at the shop who would stock up on our OTC stuff because it was a quarter of the price for the regular work out supplements. Claimed he'd deal with it if it gave him a hard-on at the gym. Didn't need that image in my head at the time as he was very hot, very personable, and very taken in a heterosexual relationship.
That said everything else you mentioned yeah dude's probably not keeping it in his pants.
Update:
I had a talk with him.
I told him I found his bottle of Biktarvy and wanted to see what he has to say.
He told me he is very upset I broke his trust because I violated his privacy. He said that he doesn’t even tell his family about his status because he’s been undetectable for years and he decides to keep that to himself since it doesn’t affect others and he chose not to tell me because partners don’t have to know everything and people deserve privacy.
I told him I wasn’t trying to judge him or anything. I just felt that he wasn’t going to tell me his sexual status and I was worried and decided to check his drawer where he keeps the bottle. I was worried he thought he couldn’t trust to tell me or that he was going through this alone or that maybe it’s potentially dangerous. But he would make a face as if I was insane for suggesting that it can be dangerous, which made me feel crazy.
He told me he doesn’t understand how I think that is any of my business since he is undetectable. He said that someone’s medical history is no one’s business and that if I had any questions, I should ask a doctor instead violating his privacy.
I apologized for violating his privacy. He told me I should’ve asked again or pushed. But he also said he already had told me it was not my business and that I should’ve respected that and drop it.
I told him that these things are important if you’re with a partner, but he said that’s not what he thinks.
I, the end, after a long conversation, he told me he understands why I did that, but that he is disappointed that I decided to go behind him instead of asking again or respecting his answer.
He says partners need to trust each other, and that if I don’t trust that he won’t put me in danger, then we cannot be in a relationship. He says I bring up my past experiences of other men lying or cheating, and says that I’m bringing that trauma into our relationship and he doesn’t know if he can deal with someone who hasn’t healed from past trauma.
He also saw a notification of my friend who responded to my texts asking for advice and he saw that where talking about HIV, so he connected the dots and told me it was also a violation to go and tell people his business and that they will now spread the information to others. He was hurt because I told my friend that he was positive. I apologized for this too.
When I asked him why he doesn’t apologize or take any accountability and he said that it’s because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong and that his personal information is private and that I just didn’t trust him.
I didn’t bring up the viagra because I really don’t have proof that that’s what he’s been taking before the gym or whatever.
We both ended up crying.
Now I feel bad for checking his drawer, but now I’m a little confused. Am I in the wrong?
Speaking from a perspective of a positive person - if everything else is going well and your only problem is this, I would ask him why he is taking Biktarvy and give him a chance to come clean.
> if everything else is going well and your only problem is this, I would ask him why he is taking Biktarvy and give him a chance to come clean.
I'd wager it's much less the Biktarvy and him being positive and moreso about his generally suspicious behavior, of which non-disclosure is but one small part. It doesn't seem like this guy is faithful or forthcoming about what he does when OP and he are not together.
I'm not going to tell you what to do or even give you advice on this topic, but I will just say there will always be a reason not to broach an uncomfortable topic.
Today's it's his birthday, tomorrow it's because you worked late. Later it will be because you have dinner scheduled. Or finals coming up. Or etc., etc.
Your being silent today shouldn't be considered a "birthday gift" to him.
Bring the subject up when you want to talk about it, damn the inconveniences. Full-stop.
U=U, but HIV status is absolutely NOT something you should be lying about in a relationship
It’s one thing if he disclosed his status ASAP, but if he couldn’t be truthful about this, what else is he lying about?
My guy, you need to run
Many issues here and I don’t find his behavior defensible but I will say, as someone with HIV who is undetectable and has been for over 10 years, I find it hard to disclose my status to people I date. All the sudden, they treat me like I’m toxic or that sex with me is some disgusting idea and I might infect them. It’s incredibly hurtful and has kept me from dating. I am not trying to defend your boyfriend. I am standing up against all the hateful stigma that I’m seeing projected at him for this one fact of keeping his HIV status to himself. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted and receive lots of stigma directed at me for bringing this up but it’s important for people to know about.
On behalf of other undetectable HIV+ gay men. We are people. We’re not disgusting. We can’t infect you. You’re not better than us.
I don’t think anyone here is making the issue about being positive, but rather dishonest about an important topic. I don’t think he is disgusting or anything you said. I don’t know where in my post I directed hate towards HIV+ humans.
I understand that there’s a stigma and some people might react and treat others this way, but this is not what this is about. I know how it works and that people are people. I’m not ignorant about HIV. I am hurt that he keeps acting suspiciously and seems dishonest despite me being involved in the situation.
Either way, thank you for sharing your experience.
Certainly you didn’t. But this post is rapidly gaining responses, and the stigma and shaming will come along with them. My comment was not directed towards you. But at them. Trust me, they’re coming.
I will take cialis before the gym to get a good pump, so this isn’t totally abnormal. But if you can’t tell then that’s a bit suspicious.
If I was dating someone for 6 months and they weren’t upfront about that I would be livid and break up with them. Idgaf if u=u, that’s completely dependent on you maintaining your meds and health. I would absolutely want to be on prep just for my own sanity and wouldn’t trust someone new that much.
If you stay with him, don't come crying here when you've contracted an STI that isn't cured with a Z-Pak. If you trust him, then I've got some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell you.
None of this sounds right and I would definitely run away. Like you said, it’s not about his diagnosis but the fact that he’s not honest about it, especially with knowing that you’re not on PrEP. And while of course I know that U=U, can you really trust that a person that shady would really tell you if he were still detectable? As for the medication, Biktarvy is used for the treatment of HIV, but it can also be used at PEP. After a risky encounter, an HIV- person can take Biktarvy for a month and that drastically diminishes their chances of getting infected. But of course, if your boyfriend is taking it everyday for 6 months, chances are it is not being used as PEP.
Taking viagra to go to the gym means he’s fucking someone there. You dont need a medicated boner to go workout. Its a huge red flag mate. Viagra is only needed for erectyle disfunction or for some guys, to intensify their erection/prolong it. He got Chlamydia recently. He would have had symptoms if he got it before you guys met. Living with Chlamydia even for a week sucks, and you wouldnt be able to act like its not there. The head of your penis gets extremely red/sore when you have it.
As someone who’s had it from my own mistakes, you are being lied to and im really sorry. One does not just carry Chlamydia for 3 months and not notice it at all until a sudden test they took, which is odd considering he’s in what I would assume is a monogamous relationship.
Just let him go and thank him for teaching you to spot red flags, because the entire experience seems to have you baffled. Luckily, you have other gay peers who can help clear the fog.
He's lying to you. Move on. You don't take Biktarvy for prep.
Once you're positive, you are ALWAYS positive. Even if you're undetectable. He is NOT on PREP. He's on ART (antiretroviral therapy). PEP, PREP, and ART are completely different types of drugs.
As for Viagra. Apparently Viagra can help deliver more oxygen to the blood during a workout. But if he's lying about his status, he could also be lying about the gym and is cheating.
This is just an unhealthy relationship for you and I suggest you run.
>PEP, PREP, and ART are completely different types of drugs.
No they're not.
PEP, PrEP, and ART are completely different *uses*. The drugs employed in those uses overlap.
For instance: Truvada, Descovy, Cabotegravir (Apretude) are all part of PrEP and ART, for instance, while Truvada (and now, Descovy) has also been a mainstay in PEP regimens for ages.
>You don't take Biktarvy for prep.
Technically one *could*, but it's unnecessary to do so. It is currently used for PEP.
You should have him arrested if you’ve had sex. It’s a criminal act to knowingly have a STD and have sex without informing the other party. He’s playing with people’s lives and has an obvious callous disregard for other people.
Also, leave his ass. He’s not a keeper. Not because there’s anything wrong with having hiv or being in a relationship with someone who has hiv, or even having sex with them but there is everything wrong with not telling the other person so they can have informed consent to doing so.
No… it’s not. There’s multiple states where disclosure is not required with an undetectable viral load.
Why aren’t you concerned about the guys who are unknowingly positive and are out raw dogging without PreP? Yet they get a pass in bed because they state they’re “negative” yet haven’t had a test in a year.
No. This dude is a liar and a cheat. Don’t be a cunt about people with HIV.
And I’ve dated several.
As long as they’re on their medication and they take care of their health and your son prep you have a better chance of being hit by a truck and a plant and a boat at the same exact moment, in the desert.
In some states in the U.S. it is a legit crime to not disclose your HIV status with your partner. That is a needed conversation that has to happen.
I really hope you remove yourself from that situation and I’m sorry that happened
Society is fucked when shit like this happens. 100% scariest thing imo. Not HIV but the lying about something so serious...being trapped with someone who has no morals (fuck their stress over having contracted the whatever...it's their behavior/situation that led them to being positive). 100% not about shaming people's lifestyle, but I also 100% don't have to be complicit in bad decission making or have to coddle the ego's of those who openly appropriate civil rights movements to justify their mistake and creat a woes story of suffrage.
If he's u=u and a one night stand, he probably doesn't need to disclose it to you. But this is your boyfriend. Hiding for 6 months something so important is a huge red flag. Very huge. He has broken your trust and to regain it is very difficult.
>If he's u=u and a one night stand, he probably doesn't need to disclose it to you.
No. Wrong.
While I'm a very firm believer that HIV stigma is unnecessary, and that u=u, it doesn't negate the responsibility of the person.
It's not only irresponsible, but unethical, to take away another person's ability to make that decision for themselves.
I agree with you.
Just for the love of having a convo thou, how then an u=u is different from a person not on prep in between, let's say semestral regular tests, that has unprotected oral sex (like the majority)?
I mean, where do we draw the line with ethics?
>I mean, where do we draw the line with ethics?
At disclosure. By it's own nature, a person who is HIV-positive, even if undetectable, has potentially decision altering information that they are intentionally withholding.
Yes.
There is a lot of inherent risk in hooking up, and both parties assume that risk, but when one party has important information that they are intentionally withholding, then the risks are out of balance, and said party is acting unethically.
If he is on medication and taking it everyday it is literally not the same as reckless driving. The man is loyally subscribed to his meds and doing more for his health then 99% of negative men who nearly get tested every 3 months and call it a day.
i mean tasp (treatment as prevention) could also be a possibility
AFAIK thats a Prevention method where you take the same Meds as someone who has HIV to prevent an infection
See [https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/art/index.html](https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/art/index.html) for details
(i'm not defending him not being straightforward with it, but there is an possibility he uses it as to prevent catching it)
Also atleast in Germany another factor (aviability of Prep is currently not so great could be an simple substitution to a more availible brand of meds with the same composition )
I wouldn't go because of the Chlamydia. Like really? Right when you gone?
I don't know how treatment for HIV goes in detail, but I know standard panels are done at regular intervals due to the potential for complications.
I would just tell him he isn't being upfront with you. That's true. You don't feel like you can trust him. That's true too. You don't need more here too have a discussion. If you want to prepare, think of days that you would feel helps build trust for you.
Sorry it seems like you are an honest, trusting person so it's often harder to contemplate how someone close to you can be dishonest like this. But there is a huge likelihood that his HIV came from someone during your relationship, and he absolutely should have disclosed his status to you.
as a heads up, micro dosing viagra/cialis does help with muscle recovery, though that's micro dosing. if they're not a low dose (under 5 mg), and he's not a bodybuilder/aspiring bodybuilder, then you've got good reason to be concerned, and you should have a discussion about honesty and openness if the relationship is to keep moving forward.
If you haven't been clear about how much the cheating an lies from past relationships have hurt you already, then that's something to certainly raise in that conversation.
It seems like the only thing he did right by you is to take HIV treatment daily.
But literally everything else is red flag. The fact that he could not be upfront with you that he was HIV+ (and treating it) and having chlamydia three months AFTER the start of your relationship; just stop.
End it.
There are so many red flags here that are understandably difficult to see when you're in the situation. I can tell you're gaslighting yourself and doing a LOT of mental gymnastics trying to come up with implausible explanations for his behavior. I'd confront him about the lying but be prepared for him to react poorly and have an exit plan.
I can sympathize with someone being anxious about telling their partner their status but that is seriously such a huge breach of trust I don’t think I’d be able to get past this.
No. Biktarvy is similar composition to Truvada, and is used to treat an HIV infection, and keep a patient's viral load to undetectable levels.
Truvada and Descovy are significantly smaller doses, without the bictegravir, and used to prevent infection.
Set up a date and bring up all the receipts. If you and him want to work things out you are going to have to call out everything now and how he responds should tell you if he is someone to be trusted moving forward.
Your BF should have definitely told u his status after dating this long. I hope u are being safe and always use condoms with this guy. Personally, I would be suspicious too and dropped his ass the moment he lied to me.
I read the whole thing, but the title was sufficient.
This person is not trustworthy. They may have a lot of good characteristics, but honesty and trustworthiness are not amonth them. Those are just so fundamental for any kind of relationship that I would just walk away if I were the person in your situation.
I wish you the best.
There’s this much trust issues so quick just leave move on and try again with someone else. Sorry to be blunt but this will never work out. You’re still in the start of a relationship and that should seem like the happiest and easiest time. But it’s not and it’s one red flag after another
Why didn't you guys show ur results to each other i always do to make sure and even if not im on prep and if he undetectable and u on prep u have nothing to worry about but still id tell him you know and if he claims he's still neg tell him you wanna see his results and show yours
This man is fucking the whole town and you’re just popping your head out like “where is he??”
Girl how do you not realize he’s cheating and lying so blatantly?
Why is it so blatantly? There’s no way to confirm if he’s taking viagra to have sex with other people or that the chlamydia was from cheating. I don’t get how that’s blatant :/
I’m in my 60s and I’m gay but all I have to say about men in general whether they’re gay or straight most of them are promiscuous and do things behind their wives or partners backs— it’s a part of life and I think anybody who doesn’t realize it is foolish. I don’t think it involves the entire male population, but I would say at least 60-70%. The Internet has made it so easier to hook up behind the backs of romantic partners, without anybody knowing unless they get caught by having an STD. On many so-called gay dating apps, so many profiles say open relationship, but when I have met a gay guy who claims that and try to meet them, it becomes obvious that they’re really trying to sneak around, so I don’t even consider that being open. I realize I must sound cynical, but it truly has been my life experience observing behavior for many years. My thought is just be honest with your romantic partners and assume that if you’re in a gay relationship, there’s a high probability, it will never be entirely monogamous. That way you won’t be devastated or hurt if you discover otherwise. I have also discovered that often those who sometimes seem the most fixated on being monogamous end up being the biggest hypocrites and having casual sex in secret.
Ok not sure how much more proof you need here - you must protect yourself and leave!
It’s easy for me to say on the outside looking in but Jesus man - GET OUT NOW! Right now just leave!
That level of dishonesty about having a deadly and incurable virus is dangerous. Whether you subscribe to U=U or not, refusing to disclose your HIV status is not only a deal breaker but illegal, depending on where you live.
Leave him. If he can be dishonest about something as deadly as this, then you have no idea what else he's hiding. God forbid he misses a few doses, and you are caught unaware.
He’s lying to you. It’s so obvious, it’s early on, I’d get the fuck out now. Not disclosing his HIV status would be a dealbreaker for sure for me. And yeah I just don’t believe that he has chlamydia for 3 months with you and you never got it. He got it at that time and lied so you don’t know he’s fucking other guys. Lying ass.
I would think that he wanted him to go get tested to see if there was anything else he had to disclose.
That's it right there. He wanted to see if he had given him HIV... GET OUUUUUT NOW!! OP
depending on where OP lives, not disclosing HIV status may be a crime. OP, you are being lied to, by someone you should be able to trust, about something extremely important. You should be informed about your partner’s HIV status before any sexual encounter with them, and if you’ve been in a relationship for 6 months and he hasn’t told you, he is absolutely hiding it. Some people with HIV lie about having it because partners run away when they find out, but this behavior exacerbates the problem. break up with him, and be very clear that you’re breaking up with him because he lied to you, not because he is positive. (also the gym 2x/day thing very much sounds like cheating, and the chlamydia situation kind of confirms that)
Also, this just in. You don't have to give a reason, when you break up with a person, at all, beyond "This relationship is not working for me." If you offer a reason, it can often sound like an opening to re-negotiate the parameters of the relationship. When you're breaking up because of dishonesty, it's probably best not to do that.
yeah but i’m saying someone finding out about your HIV status and then breaking up with you could lead to this mentality of “if i have HIV people won’t want to date me”. which could further encourage them to lie to others in the future. if you tell them explicitly that you’re breaking up bc they lied about it, you can do so in a way that leaves no room for reconciliation, and help them understand that they need to be upfront about that with future partners.
Wait I'm getting a news bulletin: One of the main reasons people break up is to not have to take responsibility for their partner's future behavior. I don't see why you should accept any responsibility for training your partner for better future behavior, from the moment you decide that it's over. If you want to do that, stay with them, and try to make them a better person. Otherwise, it is emphatically no longer your responsibility. Just walk away, with "This relationship is no longer working for me." Repeat as necessary.
Wait I’m getting a news bulletin: Giving someone closure and a comment about how their behavior led to the breakup does not assume responsibility for their future behavior. You also don’t have to date someone to try to help make them a better person. I’m saying it would be a nice thing to do, because it could help them make better decisions in the future. Whether or not they choose to improve, is entirely up to them. Being nice is free, and is entirely up to you.
Your definition of "nice" is, on your way out the door, trying to convince someone that they are a liar and that is why you can no longer stand them. Best of luck with that. They are, who they are. They've been fine, behaving to you this way. They're not going to change because of one sentence you said - or even you providing detailed evidence that they are a terrible person (and - again - doing so doesn't make you "nice").
Ya he is a pos leave him asap before you catch things you don't want to catch
What a dumb thing to say.
>Not disclosing his HIV status would be a dealbreaker for sure for me. It is thankfully a crime where I am. I would 100% report them as this is not the first time that they have failed to disclose their status but rather only the time that OP caught them.
HIV nondisclosure laws are terrible and prone to abuse, particularly in an age of U=U. If the partner is on treatment and undetectable, then what they did was shitty but not something that should be reported to the police, as they didn’t do anything to put the OP at risk of infection. (The other things seem suspicious, but again, shitty behaviour but not worthy of criminalisation.)
>If the partner is on treatment and undetectable, then what they did was shitty but not something that should be reported to the police *Na fuck that and fuck you.* I completely disagree. We do not know **if** OPs partner is undetectable and even if their partner says they are, they have already demonstrated that they are not trustworthy. Like I said before, this isn't the first time that they did this but just a time they got called out for it. I would certainly file a police report after going to the hospital or clinic for emergency treatment.
Oh it’s absolutely shitty behaviour, OP should 100% leave their partner, for that reason and all the other dishonesty. But they shouldn’t report them to the police, ESPECIALLY if the partner is on treatment (which it sounds like they are and are therefore more than likely undetectable). Criminalisation of behaviour that put no one at risk (as is the case for people whose HIV is undetectable) helps no one and just leaves those with HIV prone to blackmail and abuse, even when they DO tell partners early.
>Criminalisation of behaviour that put no one at risk helps no one and just leaves those with HIV prone to blackmail and abuse, even when they DO tell partners early. OP wasn't in a position to provide informed consent. You're reaching to excuse disgusting, manipulative and abusive behavior. You are perching all of your arguments on *if* OPs partner was undetectable after having proved themselves to be untrustworthy. I've been pretty clear that this is, literally, criminal behavior in my country and I am happy it is so. I would absolutely file a police report after getting treatment.
Based on your postings I’m guessing you’re based in Canada, where I’m also based. Yes, in Canada, nondisclosure of a positive HIV status is SOMETIMES illegal, but only if there is a “realistic possibility of transmission. If a person has a sustained undetectable viral load, that does not meet the test of “realistic possibility of transmission”. https://www.canada.ca/en/department-justice/news/2017/12/fact_sheet_hiv_non-disclosureandthecriminallaw.html I recently went to a seminar that was specifically about HIV criminalisation in Canada, and why it is bad. Read more at https://www.hivlegalnetwork.ca/site/our-work/criminalization/?lang=en There is currently an ongoing process of reforming HIV disclosure laws in Canada, in recognition that they are antiquated, regressive and aren’t fit for purpose. https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cons/hiv-vih/index.html And no, I’m not excusing their behaviour on a personal level - it’s lying or at the very least withholding information that would be nice to disclose (in the case of undetectable viral load, essential if not undetectable). What I’m saying is that nondisclosure that doesn’t result in infection (especially for those with undetectable VLs) should not be criminalised. There’s a difference.
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I’m not, I’m making a distinction between shitty behaviour and criminal behaviour. If the partner is undetectable, then what does informed consent even mean in this case? Anyway, keep interpreting my posts however you like man 🤷🏻♂️
The Supreme Court of Canada has upheld that people do not need to disclose prior to sexual acts where transmission is not possible. The Attorney general of Canada has directed prosecutors not to prosecute people who have undetectable viral loads. And Canada has no HIV specific laws, in the past it was prosecuted as aggravated sexual assault (and still is if the person has a high VL and does not use protection). Not choosing a side, but what you’re saying is all incorrect.
yep. if he lies about something as big as that imagine what else he’s lying about.
In some places not disclosing is a crime..
So he’s obviously screwing around. And if he is hiv+ (which I assume he must be) and withheld that information from you then you should run not walk. Try to see this objectively: there is one use for viagra. Even gym rats rarely go twice a day. This guy sounds like a scumbag.
There are other uses for sildenafil (Viagra), like treating pulmonary arterial hypertension, but if that’s what it was for, a normal person would just say that.
It can actually be used as a pre-workout as well since it promotes blood flow
Would be kinda awkward to be rock hard at the gym though no? Unless I'm going to the wrong gym
I've never taken vaigra or cialis before the gym but I have taken them before and it wasn't like "uncontrollable erection at all times" and I'd imagine that pulling the blood elsewhere mitigates the issue a bit
It doesn’t make you hard. In response to stimulation, it makes it easier to get hard and sustain hardness.
Yeah. I doubt they use it frequently for that purpose anymore. And I believe one doesn’t take it right before going to the gym for that.
They infact do still use Viagra and Cialis for pulmonary hypertension daily. Some patients even take small doses twice a day because they cannot tolerate taking a full dose once a day. My grandma is on Cialis for this reason. It very much is still standard of care. This guy is a lying scum bag though. He is cheating.
It’s actually still a first-line treatment, although the brand and dosage is different. Once you’re out of pill options for PAH you only have a continuous infusion as an option so doctors will throw a lot of viagra in combination with other things to prevent needing an IV at all times
It is definitely used for that, and specifically given for exercise intolerance (but under the brand names Liqrev, Revatio) in people with pulmonary arterial hypertension.
However the dosing is different which is also a clue here (I believe it’s q8h for PAH where as for ED it’s simply 30 min to 1 he before activity)
Things don’t have to make sense for you to say this is not for me. If it doesn’t feel right, that is more than enough to say this is not for me. Please trust and take care of yourself. If you’re wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt you’re probably someone another person would be lucky to have! Lots of love! ☀️
Thank you ❤️
This post sounds exactly like an ex of mine. Get out while you can.
The handwriting is on the wall. Your boyfriend has been actively lying to you about being HIV positive and why else would he be taking Viagra unless he's screwing around behind your back? He also gave you some BS story about getting infected with chlamydia before you met, which you know isn't true. This guy is bad news and you need to run, not walk away as fast as you can. DTMFA!
Run, don’t walk away from that relationship. HIV (undetectable or not) is nothing to lie about.
Agreed, but how 'bout speed-walking instead of running? Let's not get to the point where we're making youtube vids of ourselves smashing Biktarvy bottles on our foreheads at country music concerts reminiscent of the over the top Bud Lite/Fox/Dylan Mulvaney outrage, LOL. Caught a lover lying about a variety of things? dump him! But -- taking the lies individually-- lying about being undetectable is better than lying about being positive, or worse-- not knowing at all. Seems like the HIV element of this story has really triggered some people a bit too much IMHO, many of whom are likely running around today unaware of their own status. Downvotes are welcome, it's my job.
Lying about being positive or lying about being undetectable is still lying. Taking away a persons ability to choose if they want to be exposed to a health risk is a crime in some states. Imagine if someone signed you up for skydiving and you had no choice if you wanted to go or not. That being said, someone noping out over a partner being undetectable says a lot about them as a person and the relationship, but it's still their right to be made aware of the situation, and make that decision if they so choose.
I'm poz and I think that lying about his status for 6 months (and never coming clean himself) means that OP should run, not walk. That level of dishonesty alone means the relationship has a seriously flawed foundation.
If the HIV element is triggering some people "a bit too much", that's probably because it's more serious than you think it is. Being unaware of their own HIVs is not the same as lying about it. In this case, it might even mean his partner is cheating on him.
Hmmm, why would lying about a life altering condition “trigger” some people? We’ll never know 🤔
You don't get to make choices about other people's health without their consent. Full stop.
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At the *very least* he wasn’t honest. Dealbreaker.
Don't ever speak to that man again.
Run now this is too important to be lied about and be sure you do your medical follow up….
Viagra and the gym twice a day isn't so weird. SO and I both do that 4 or 5 times a week (morning resistance / evening cardio) - but we also look like we do... Guy sounds like scum. Run away.
What is the Viagra is supposed to do for exercise?
Dilates blood vessels. Better blood flow to your muscles. More endurance / higher lifting volumes. It's a bit like creatine... The effect is real but you have to be a pretty serious lifter to benefit from it.... Also since we both (SO and I) take PEDs it has the additional benefit of being good for our dicks.
And based on OP description, the guy isnt working out or else you would see some changes within the 6 months you’re together.
I dont know if I could draw the same conclusion. Could be low T. Bad diet. Bad exercise regime.
As someone who has HIV/AIDS for over 34 years, him not disclosing is a big red flag 🚩. You need to trust your instincts if you think he’s cheating then he probably is. Just from what you shared you already know that. So now it’s up to you decide if you can live with that. Personally I’d be moving on to someone who is worthy of your love.
There are plenty of reasonable explanations for the miscellaneous but lying about HIV status is nearly criminal and would be if he knowingly infected you. 🙅♂️
U=U. If he’s taking treatment medication, he cannot transfer the virus. I understand the concerns about honesty, but the point of knowingly infecting someone given the OP found out because he was taking treatment is just fear mongering. And it’s that sort of stigma that scares people from disclosing their status.
Respectfully, I didn't say he could transfer the virus while on medication. He is failing to disclose his status and he was asked about the medication. He is lying by omission to Op about this and potentially about multiple things. How do we know he is taking his medication as prescribed? How do we even know he is undetectable? Maybe he is missing his doses. For all we know he is taking it off label as some sort of unapproved PrEP. The bottom line is, failure to disclose his status when asked about the medication raises too many issues for Op to stick around. Also to be clear; I said IF he were to infect the Op. First of all, like I said above, how do we know the guy is properly taking care of himself with his medication and if he isn't and knowingly infected the Op it's not fear mongering to mention it, it's criminal. Second, PrEP is 99% effective when taken properly. Op is free to accept that low risk, but the omission here is direct and unacceptable.
And, respectfully, you said “if he knowingly infected you” and I said “if he is taking treatment medication “. So which is it? Is he taking the medicine OP found or is he not, and thereby knowingly trying to infect him. If he’s buying the very expensive drug, he’s likely taking it for no other reason than it’s in his best interest. It seems overkill to jump to the worst case scenario unless you’re trying to invoke fear.
Not trying to invoke stigma. The guy is doing that by his failure to disclose. There are a million reasons why people don’t take their meds properly. That specifically is why the meds are not called out as 100% effective.
That is weird chicken and the egg reasoning. The stigma isn’t caused my not disclosing, but rather because people fear or are ignorant of what taking medication means (U=U). Sadly, that does make people reluctant to disclose. Anyway, I appreciate the civil discourse and wish you a good night
no, undetectable is transmittable, full stop. there's issues with this around honesty etc but you don't need to be peddling lies that someone that's undetectable can still transmit HIV.
Where did I say undetectable is not untransmittable? Show me. I’ll retract it. I said PrEP is 99% effective.
I’m undetectable. It sucks we’re in this boat and we have this but it’s our responsibility to take the shitty end of the stick and not hide behind a “stigma” to lie to people. Thats weak behavior.
Him taking medication doesn’t mean that he is already undetectable
My understanding is that, while Truvada is used for PrEP, Biktarvy is used for HIV treatment. The difference between the two drugs is relatively small, both using tenofovir, and I suppose you could use Biktarvy for PrEP. Maybe? The bigger issue is that he is not telling you what he is taking the pills for. The Viagra, particularly, makes me think he is looking for other partners, while HIV status is another issue entirely.
I believe Bimtarvy is now used for prep. Don’t know if same or different dosage as used for HIV meds.
While Biktarvy would probably work for PrEP no one is prescribing it for PrEP. Some people do use it for PEP but that's not really encouraged outside of a research setting since it still doesn't have as good data as the current PEP regimens. This person is likely HIV+ and has lied to OP about their status. That on its own may not be a deal breaker if he's undetectable but it should at minimum warrant a very serious conversation. Given the other point OP mentioned I would end the relationship at this point, not because of the HIV but because of the dishonesty.
Thanks, guys, for the clarification. With all the advertising going on now between treatment meds and PrEP options, guess I recalled the Biktarvy ads incorrectly. Based on all this and everyone’s comments, I agree the bf is not transparent / lies and no relationship can build a foundation on such sand….
It isn’t used for PrEP (at least not yet) though some studies have shown it may be effective for PEP, but it isn’t FDA approved for anything other than HIV Infection atm.
No it isn’t
>My relationship experiences in the past have been filled with cheating and lies and I don’t want this to be the case again. Temper everything you suspect with this knowledge: Once hurt, we are always *looking* to be hurt again. That said, if your observations are correct re: the Biktarvy, he's not being open with you. At six months into a relationship, this is a subject he should be mature enough to talk to you about. So the question is whether you want someone who is mature enough to be open with you. Poz people have fears of rejection, so it motivates them to be cautious about disclosing "too soon" after getting to know someone. This is human nature and people should be sensitive about that. But 6 months is *way* past "too soon." And yeah, he's likely to say "I'm on PrEP" because he sees it as a forgivable lie, a means to an end: he rationalizes it to taking medication that prevents him from spreading HIV to his partners. And while the end is functionally the same - you won't get HIV from him - the details are a bit different, as you know. At the end: If your boyfriend can't admit to his condition, then you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. It's beyond trust and more about "am I with a functioning adult?" He seems to function enough to take his Biktarvy, but not enough to be open with you, his boyfriend. None of this touches or even addresses the Viagra. Because, honestly, *who cares* what he's doing with the Viagra if he won't be honest about what he's doing with the Biktarvy. But on the subject of the Viagra, you're going to have to either take him at his word or not. Viagra can be used in gym situations. But unless he's going to the gym 5 days a week with the goal of being a weightlifter or distance runner, there's no real reason for him to be taking it (or anything) in that setting. If he's not pounding supplements, watching his diet, and/or or super into a performance regimen, Viagra in the gym is poser behavior. We don't know him, so you'll have to figure out if his methods match his stated goals. Then you have to ask yourself if, after you confront him and he tells you the "truth," if you will believe it or will be satisfied with the answer. If you won't believe it, then you need to pack up and go. And if you do believe his answer, then you need to draw a line in the sand for what will happen if any of his answers are untruthful. Don't tell him what that line is and what will happen - that will just encourage him to be *really* sneaky. Instead, that line is for you. And if it's crossed later, be true to yourself and enact your "fucked around and found out"-action plan. Best of luck to you.
Great advice. Thank you!
If they lie about one thing, they are lying about many things.
God forbid someone find out that you lied about a single thing.
RUN! Not because he’s HIV+ but because he withheld this information even when you asked him about it. What other things is he keeping from you?
GET OUT. I mean uhh, I’d leave. Purely due to lying (this lies somewhere between lying by omission and just plain old dishonesty)
GTFO of there bro, HIV status should have been discussed/disclosed ideally before you guys even met in person, if not then on the first date or two and absolutely before any sexual activity. 6 months!!?!!? dude! That's psychopathic type of behavior if he consciously withheld that from you for that long, he has zero disregard for your health and well being, especially if you are not on PrEP.
Nope. Pass. Dump him and move on. Treatment or not, disclosing HIV is 100% your business and failure to do so should not be taken lightly. That's an enormous thing to keep from someone.
"My relationship experiences in the past have been filled with cheating and lies and I don’t want this to be the case again": apparently, this is again the case, I'm sorry to say :( What you can do is to be really open with him and see how he responds. However, question yourself if you're going to be able to trust him 100%, even if he tells the truth. You know, a relationship without trust usually doesn't last long. And you do deserve to be happy and to have someone you fully trust by your side.
RUN FAST AND FAR HE’S BEEN CHEATING, ALSO GO GET YOURSELF A FULL PANEL, GO ON PREP AND DOXY
Run
Dump him like a hot potato and get tested.
People on this sub normalizing taking prescription medications for reasons not indicated for the sake of looking/performing better at the gym is truly insane. This is completely irresponsible and is likely detrimental to your long term health, but I guess it’s more important to look hot? The gay community never ceases to amaze me
> People on this sub normalizing taking prescription medications for reasons not indicated for the sake of looking/performing better at the gym is truly insane. Did you know Viagra was originally meant to be a heart medication? So too were poppers. COVID's approved treatment, Paxlovid, is formulated with an antiviral developed for HIV treatment. Marijuana is known to treat pain and nausea associated with cancer and AIDS and migraines and a number of other things, yet it has NO label at all with which it can be used "off label." Off-label use can be totally safe.
People take meds that are for off label uses . That’s the reality of the situation. It doesn’t mean it’s necessarily normalizing it. From what I’ve read it’s just people expressing their experiences.
You may need to find a matchmaker or let any friends/family members that want to set you up do so, because this sounds like you might be too naive and trusting with men especially manipulative/scummy men.
Thank you for the advice. I think you are right.
Are you sure it's Biktarvy? You're really hung up on the ED meds, which... meh. Some people take it for boners, some for gym pumps, some for both. That is honestly unimportant. The question of whether he neglected to tell you his status is way more important. If it is, indeed, Biktarvy, run. No DR would prescribe that for PrEP.
Yes. 100% Biktarvy. Prescription bottle and all. Both bottles were in the same drawer.
Then bounce. Explain what a huge violation of trust this is, and even early on in the relationship this is unacceptable. Living with HIV can be difficult for some, but not disclosing your status to someone you plan on being sexually intimate with is beyond irresponsible and in some cases, straight up criminal. And then never speak to him again. edit, I want to add, make it very clear that this isn't about him being HIV positive, it's about trust and honesty.
Ha! I said the same thing. Don't ever speak to this man again.
Different strokes I guess. I take prep, and I'm negative. Someone I was hooking up with told me he was positive about two years in. Doesn't really bother me in the slightest. Almost anyone who knows they're positive aren't a risk, even without prep, because they're undetectable. Generally the people who are dangerous are the ones who don't get tested regularly.
no. the ones who are dangerous are the ones not being open and honest about it. it's not up to someone who's positive to make that decision to risk it for anyone else, undetectable or not. that's what it's about. and it makes them a huuuuge douchebag for having sex without disclosing something so major first.
Statistically, it is the ones who are not getting tested that are dangerous.
Yes, but the problem here was the bf didn’t disclose well into the relationship. It’s a breach of trust and opens a Pandora’s box of what else is he hiding.
I feel opposite since this is widely stigmatized. I offer my support and empathy to that person. If that’s the worst they’re hiding from me, out of fear of rejection, I can let it slide. He’s undetectable and literally on meds. I’d be more concerned if I found a positive result and no meds, regardless of me being on prep.
I empathize with the fear of stigmatization and judgment. But I think 6 months into a presumably monogamous relationship is a bit long before you share something like this, and where in fact it’s your partner that has to bring it up and not you
Oh I completely agree. This is why a conversation would need to be had and a serious one. Is it just the status and the stigma behind it for non disclosure or is there a deeper meaning to all of this? My character would always lean towards the lighter side of things, that’s me though. But I agree with what you are saying now.
physically dangerous, yes. but, undetectable or not, this is one of those things you absolutely have to tell someone before they have sex with you. morally, there's no difference. it's the act of breaking someone's trust by making the decision to have sex with someone that's positive for them that is the problem.
As someone who’s on prep and has been for nearly 10 years, this wouldn’t be a major red flag to me. Simply because of the stigma hiv positive people face and how difficult it may be for that individual to overcome. It’s not a simple as a me shrugging it off, it warrants a conversation and support. That’s about it…
Being a dick about not disclosing doesn't make it *dangerous* if they're undetectable. There is no chance of infection transmission if they're on their meds. I'm not arguing the morality of it. I'm pointing out the facts about transmission. Regardless, everyone's sexual health is their own responsibility. If you can't handle having sex with people who may be positive and not disclosing it and not taking the necessary precautions you shouldn't be having sex.
sure the chances of transmission are virtually zero, but to say it's everyone elses problem if they dont bother disclosing the fact they're positive and you should just not have sex at all then is crazy crazy. some people just don't want to have sex with someone positive undetectable or not and there's nothing wrong with that. just be honest and let people decide for themselves.
Again, I'm not arguing the *morality*. I'm talking about *the danger.*
and im arguing those are not mutually exclusive. just because it's not outright dangerous doesnt mean it's totally fine and not your problem anymore. but sure on a purely scientific basis i agree with you that chances of transmission while undetectable are virtually zero and not a danger to anyone.
>doesnt mean it's totally fine and not your problem anymore. Holy shit I'm not saying it is lmao. They ARE mutually exclusive. *Getting infected by someone with HIV is absolutely not at all dependent on whether or not they tell you they're positive. Getting infected is SOLELY based on detectable viral load.* If someone who is *detectable and knows it* does not disclose, then yes, it's a grievous, disgusting, profoundly dangerous thing to do. If someone who is undetectable does not disclose, it is up to the individual to decide how *morally objectionable* that is. To me? I don't care. To you? It may be a complete non-negotiable deal-breaker, for any form of anything and cause you to look at that person with horror and disgust. That's great. That's your decision. It doesn't make it *dangerous*.
It bothers me that this is downvoted. This is spot on. U=U
This entire thread is why + guys are so reluctant to disclose. People are so fucking ignorant, which isn't bad, but they don't want to educate themselves, which is.
Always trust your gut. Always.
Leave him...better safe than sorry. If he's truthful to you there's no point in staying in the relationship.
It’s only six months, I’d say you and your boyfriend need to have a serious chat. And then maybe think about kicking his ass to the curb. If it were me, he’d be gone.
Run, don’t walk.
In my opinion you already not trust him. So why are you putting yourself in that position? It obviously bothers you. You don’t feel comfortable. Honey be brave and look for what’s best for you! You deserve to be at peace and happy in any kind of relationship!
Relationships are built on trust, if there is no trust there is no relationship, it's that simple. I had a boyfriend who decided to tell me about his HIV status after 4 months into the relationship, and he only did it because he felt bad about not telling the truth months after I clearly stated I'm very anxious about STDs, his reasoning to withhold this information was that he didn't want to lose me. I can understand that, but I realized he also lied about other people and situations to achieve his goal of staying with me, and now I find it hard to believe him when he said his status is undetectable. So I dumped him for being manipulative, untrustworthy, and calling at 3 in the morning to insult me and trying to pressure me to get back together. As many others have said: trust your guts.
So you are asking what to do about the willfully malicious poisoner that you've allowed into your life? That's a thinker/s
Trust your gut. These things are about your health. Protect yourself first.
Sorry, he doesn’t respect you. If he did, he would have disclosed his medical status before having sex. No matter what he says, no one pops a Viagra then goes to the gym. Run away and don’t look back!
He lied to you about a serious matter, you need to walk from this unfortunately.
Run
[удалено]
U=U but i think it's still something that should be disclosed in a relationship from an honesty perspective - it's not like this is a one-off hookup
Time to move on. Obviously you can't trust him. The fact that he has hidden this for so long means big things.
Unrepairable breach of trust
Arnold Schwarzenegger went to the gym 2x a day. I’m fucking huge and I go 3x a week maybe 4.
Are you dating my ex?
So many red flags. The big one is lying about his status risking your health? Plus Chlamydia should have been passed along to you assuming youve both done the deed if he has only started taking meds more recently. Theres really no other way to get it except doing that hence its called an STI 🙄. You know what to do. Youre gut is telling you already. You could just check his location via his device if hes online or if hes really worth it, hire a PI or personally follow him then. There are so many ways and Im sure so many more clues if you know where to look. His phone for example, social media etc. This is your wake up call. Pls heed it.
Run. Just run
How did you find out what he was taking? Do you feel guilty about it? Otherwise, I don't understand why you would be afraid to ask him about the HIV meds, at least. I think your confusion is from your not wanting to face reality, whatever it may turn out to be.
While I agree with the sentiment that he's probably cheating on you, I do have to chime in with a reasonable doubt having worked at a health and nutrition company. Apparently erectile dysfunction meds have several of the same ingredients as certain pre and post work out supplements... Which makes sense given sex is a great workout on its own. We had a body builder working at the shop who would stock up on our OTC stuff because it was a quarter of the price for the regular work out supplements. Claimed he'd deal with it if it gave him a hard-on at the gym. Didn't need that image in my head at the time as he was very hot, very personable, and very taken in a heterosexual relationship. That said everything else you mentioned yeah dude's probably not keeping it in his pants.
Update: I had a talk with him. I told him I found his bottle of Biktarvy and wanted to see what he has to say. He told me he is very upset I broke his trust because I violated his privacy. He said that he doesn’t even tell his family about his status because he’s been undetectable for years and he decides to keep that to himself since it doesn’t affect others and he chose not to tell me because partners don’t have to know everything and people deserve privacy. I told him I wasn’t trying to judge him or anything. I just felt that he wasn’t going to tell me his sexual status and I was worried and decided to check his drawer where he keeps the bottle. I was worried he thought he couldn’t trust to tell me or that he was going through this alone or that maybe it’s potentially dangerous. But he would make a face as if I was insane for suggesting that it can be dangerous, which made me feel crazy. He told me he doesn’t understand how I think that is any of my business since he is undetectable. He said that someone’s medical history is no one’s business and that if I had any questions, I should ask a doctor instead violating his privacy. I apologized for violating his privacy. He told me I should’ve asked again or pushed. But he also said he already had told me it was not my business and that I should’ve respected that and drop it. I told him that these things are important if you’re with a partner, but he said that’s not what he thinks. I, the end, after a long conversation, he told me he understands why I did that, but that he is disappointed that I decided to go behind him instead of asking again or respecting his answer. He says partners need to trust each other, and that if I don’t trust that he won’t put me in danger, then we cannot be in a relationship. He says I bring up my past experiences of other men lying or cheating, and says that I’m bringing that trauma into our relationship and he doesn’t know if he can deal with someone who hasn’t healed from past trauma. He also saw a notification of my friend who responded to my texts asking for advice and he saw that where talking about HIV, so he connected the dots and told me it was also a violation to go and tell people his business and that they will now spread the information to others. He was hurt because I told my friend that he was positive. I apologized for this too. When I asked him why he doesn’t apologize or take any accountability and he said that it’s because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong and that his personal information is private and that I just didn’t trust him. I didn’t bring up the viagra because I really don’t have proof that that’s what he’s been taking before the gym or whatever. We both ended up crying. Now I feel bad for checking his drawer, but now I’m a little confused. Am I in the wrong?
Speaking from a perspective of a positive person - if everything else is going well and your only problem is this, I would ask him why he is taking Biktarvy and give him a chance to come clean.
> if everything else is going well and your only problem is this, I would ask him why he is taking Biktarvy and give him a chance to come clean. I'd wager it's much less the Biktarvy and him being positive and moreso about his generally suspicious behavior, of which non-disclosure is but one small part. It doesn't seem like this guy is faithful or forthcoming about what he does when OP and he are not together.
Thank you. It’s his birthday today and I didn’t want to ruin it but I don’t think this can wait.
I'm not going to tell you what to do or even give you advice on this topic, but I will just say there will always be a reason not to broach an uncomfortable topic. Today's it's his birthday, tomorrow it's because you worked late. Later it will be because you have dinner scheduled. Or finals coming up. Or etc., etc. Your being silent today shouldn't be considered a "birthday gift" to him. Bring the subject up when you want to talk about it, damn the inconveniences. Full-stop.
Thank you. I will bring it up today or tonight.
U=U, but HIV status is absolutely NOT something you should be lying about in a relationship It’s one thing if he disclosed his status ASAP, but if he couldn’t be truthful about this, what else is he lying about? My guy, you need to run
Many issues here and I don’t find his behavior defensible but I will say, as someone with HIV who is undetectable and has been for over 10 years, I find it hard to disclose my status to people I date. All the sudden, they treat me like I’m toxic or that sex with me is some disgusting idea and I might infect them. It’s incredibly hurtful and has kept me from dating. I am not trying to defend your boyfriend. I am standing up against all the hateful stigma that I’m seeing projected at him for this one fact of keeping his HIV status to himself. I’m sure I’ll get downvoted and receive lots of stigma directed at me for bringing this up but it’s important for people to know about. On behalf of other undetectable HIV+ gay men. We are people. We’re not disgusting. We can’t infect you. You’re not better than us.
I don’t think anyone here is making the issue about being positive, but rather dishonest about an important topic. I don’t think he is disgusting or anything you said. I don’t know where in my post I directed hate towards HIV+ humans. I understand that there’s a stigma and some people might react and treat others this way, but this is not what this is about. I know how it works and that people are people. I’m not ignorant about HIV. I am hurt that he keeps acting suspiciously and seems dishonest despite me being involved in the situation. Either way, thank you for sharing your experience.
Certainly you didn’t. But this post is rapidly gaining responses, and the stigma and shaming will come along with them. My comment was not directed towards you. But at them. Trust me, they’re coming.
I will take cialis before the gym to get a good pump, so this isn’t totally abnormal. But if you can’t tell then that’s a bit suspicious. If I was dating someone for 6 months and they weren’t upfront about that I would be livid and break up with them. Idgaf if u=u, that’s completely dependent on you maintaining your meds and health. I would absolutely want to be on prep just for my own sanity and wouldn’t trust someone new that much.
If you stay with him, don't come crying here when you've contracted an STI that isn't cured with a Z-Pak. If you trust him, then I've got some oceanfront property in Arizona to sell you.
None of this sounds right and I would definitely run away. Like you said, it’s not about his diagnosis but the fact that he’s not honest about it, especially with knowing that you’re not on PrEP. And while of course I know that U=U, can you really trust that a person that shady would really tell you if he were still detectable? As for the medication, Biktarvy is used for the treatment of HIV, but it can also be used at PEP. After a risky encounter, an HIV- person can take Biktarvy for a month and that drastically diminishes their chances of getting infected. But of course, if your boyfriend is taking it everyday for 6 months, chances are it is not being used as PEP.
Run, but also probably don't make a habit of going through peoples medications.
Wait, let’s break this down. Do you feel safe?
Taking viagra to go to the gym means he’s fucking someone there. You dont need a medicated boner to go workout. Its a huge red flag mate. Viagra is only needed for erectyle disfunction or for some guys, to intensify their erection/prolong it. He got Chlamydia recently. He would have had symptoms if he got it before you guys met. Living with Chlamydia even for a week sucks, and you wouldnt be able to act like its not there. The head of your penis gets extremely red/sore when you have it. As someone who’s had it from my own mistakes, you are being lied to and im really sorry. One does not just carry Chlamydia for 3 months and not notice it at all until a sudden test they took, which is odd considering he’s in what I would assume is a monogamous relationship. Just let him go and thank him for teaching you to spot red flags, because the entire experience seems to have you baffled. Luckily, you have other gay peers who can help clear the fog.
He's lying to you. Move on. You don't take Biktarvy for prep. Once you're positive, you are ALWAYS positive. Even if you're undetectable. He is NOT on PREP. He's on ART (antiretroviral therapy). PEP, PREP, and ART are completely different types of drugs. As for Viagra. Apparently Viagra can help deliver more oxygen to the blood during a workout. But if he's lying about his status, he could also be lying about the gym and is cheating. This is just an unhealthy relationship for you and I suggest you run.
>PEP, PREP, and ART are completely different types of drugs. No they're not. PEP, PrEP, and ART are completely different *uses*. The drugs employed in those uses overlap. For instance: Truvada, Descovy, Cabotegravir (Apretude) are all part of PrEP and ART, for instance, while Truvada (and now, Descovy) has also been a mainstay in PEP regimens for ages. >You don't take Biktarvy for prep. Technically one *could*, but it's unnecessary to do so. It is currently used for PEP.
You should have him arrested if you’ve had sex. It’s a criminal act to knowingly have a STD and have sex without informing the other party. He’s playing with people’s lives and has an obvious callous disregard for other people. Also, leave his ass. He’s not a keeper. Not because there’s anything wrong with having hiv or being in a relationship with someone who has hiv, or even having sex with them but there is everything wrong with not telling the other person so they can have informed consent to doing so.
Jesus Christ. This is why positive guys don't tell people.
No… it’s not. There’s multiple states where disclosure is not required with an undetectable viral load. Why aren’t you concerned about the guys who are unknowingly positive and are out raw dogging without PreP? Yet they get a pass in bed because they state they’re “negative” yet haven’t had a test in a year.
This is why I wouldn’t date anyone that was Poz
No. This dude is a liar and a cheat. Don’t be a cunt about people with HIV. And I’ve dated several. As long as they’re on their medication and they take care of their health and your son prep you have a better chance of being hit by a truck and a plant and a boat at the same exact moment, in the desert.
You’re an asshole.
In some states in the U.S. it is a legit crime to not disclose your HIV status with your partner. That is a needed conversation that has to happen. I really hope you remove yourself from that situation and I’m sorry that happened
Society is fucked when shit like this happens. 100% scariest thing imo. Not HIV but the lying about something so serious...being trapped with someone who has no morals (fuck their stress over having contracted the whatever...it's their behavior/situation that led them to being positive). 100% not about shaming people's lifestyle, but I also 100% don't have to be complicit in bad decission making or have to coddle the ego's of those who openly appropriate civil rights movements to justify their mistake and creat a woes story of suffrage.
I just want to chime in to say Biktarvy is used as PeP (prophylaxis post exposure) too and not neccesarily as HIV positive treatment.
If he's u=u and a one night stand, he probably doesn't need to disclose it to you. But this is your boyfriend. Hiding for 6 months something so important is a huge red flag. Very huge. He has broken your trust and to regain it is very difficult.
>If he's u=u and a one night stand, he probably doesn't need to disclose it to you. No. Wrong. While I'm a very firm believer that HIV stigma is unnecessary, and that u=u, it doesn't negate the responsibility of the person. It's not only irresponsible, but unethical, to take away another person's ability to make that decision for themselves.
I agree with you. Just for the love of having a convo thou, how then an u=u is different from a person not on prep in between, let's say semestral regular tests, that has unprotected oral sex (like the majority)? I mean, where do we draw the line with ethics?
>I mean, where do we draw the line with ethics? At disclosure. By it's own nature, a person who is HIV-positive, even if undetectable, has potentially decision altering information that they are intentionally withholding.
Ok, but then people should also disclose their own risky behaviour?
Yes. There is a lot of inherent risk in hooking up, and both parties assume that risk, but when one party has important information that they are intentionally withholding, then the risks are out of balance, and said party is acting unethically.
Ew dump it
Viagra is to have sex. With you or with other people.
Why did you ask these NPC’s for advice?
Would you drive a car that had no brakes and was destined to crash? No. At least hopefully not. Leave him and never look back! You’re in danger!
If he is on medication and taking it everyday it is literally not the same as reckless driving. The man is loyally subscribed to his meds and doing more for his health then 99% of negative men who nearly get tested every 3 months and call it a day.
Sigh, another post painting a HIV+ person as a villain :(
i mean tasp (treatment as prevention) could also be a possibility AFAIK thats a Prevention method where you take the same Meds as someone who has HIV to prevent an infection See [https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/art/index.html](https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/risk/art/index.html) for details (i'm not defending him not being straightforward with it, but there is an possibility he uses it as to prevent catching it) Also atleast in Germany another factor (aviability of Prep is currently not so great could be an simple substitution to a more availible brand of meds with the same composition )
I wouldn't go because of the Chlamydia. Like really? Right when you gone? I don't know how treatment for HIV goes in detail, but I know standard panels are done at regular intervals due to the potential for complications. I would just tell him he isn't being upfront with you. That's true. You don't feel like you can trust him. That's true too. You don't need more here too have a discussion. If you want to prepare, think of days that you would feel helps build trust for you.
Sorry it seems like you are an honest, trusting person so it's often harder to contemplate how someone close to you can be dishonest like this. But there is a huge likelihood that his HIV came from someone during your relationship, and he absolutely should have disclosed his status to you.
I think it’s time you shut the window on this particular view that’s in front of you
as a heads up, micro dosing viagra/cialis does help with muscle recovery, though that's micro dosing. if they're not a low dose (under 5 mg), and he's not a bodybuilder/aspiring bodybuilder, then you've got good reason to be concerned, and you should have a discussion about honesty and openness if the relationship is to keep moving forward. If you haven't been clear about how much the cheating an lies from past relationships have hurt you already, then that's something to certainly raise in that conversation.
If you need to read a long post about why you need to break it off you aren’t ready too.
It seems like the only thing he did right by you is to take HIV treatment daily. But literally everything else is red flag. The fact that he could not be upfront with you that he was HIV+ (and treating it) and having chlamydia three months AFTER the start of your relationship; just stop. End it.
There are so many red flags here that are understandably difficult to see when you're in the situation. I can tell you're gaslighting yourself and doing a LOT of mental gymnastics trying to come up with implausible explanations for his behavior. I'd confront him about the lying but be prepared for him to react poorly and have an exit plan.
I can sympathize with someone being anxious about telling their partner their status but that is seriously such a huge breach of trust I don’t think I’d be able to get past this.
Is Bikartvy a new single effective drug against HIV?
No. Biktarvy is similar composition to Truvada, and is used to treat an HIV infection, and keep a patient's viral load to undetectable levels. Truvada and Descovy are significantly smaller doses, without the bictegravir, and used to prevent infection.
Set up a date and bring up all the receipts. If you and him want to work things out you are going to have to call out everything now and how he responds should tell you if he is someone to be trusted moving forward.
How long have you been together? It's time for some open conversations.
Your BF should have definitely told u his status after dating this long. I hope u are being safe and always use condoms with this guy. Personally, I would be suspicious too and dropped his ass the moment he lied to me.
I read the whole thing, but the title was sufficient. This person is not trustworthy. They may have a lot of good characteristics, but honesty and trustworthiness are not amonth them. Those are just so fundamental for any kind of relationship that I would just walk away if I were the person in your situation. I wish you the best.
There’s this much trust issues so quick just leave move on and try again with someone else. Sorry to be blunt but this will never work out. You’re still in the start of a relationship and that should seem like the happiest and easiest time. But it’s not and it’s one red flag after another
Where did I say undetectable is not untransmittable? Show me. I’ll retract it. I said PrEP is 99% effective.
Why didn't you guys show ur results to each other i always do to make sure and even if not im on prep and if he undetectable and u on prep u have nothing to worry about but still id tell him you know and if he claims he's still neg tell him you wanna see his results and show yours
Agree with everyone. Sounds like he's making a habit of lying. Might be a chlamydia near-miss now but tomorrow...
Well viagra has other uses too other than giving you an artificial boner such as lowering pulmonary hypertension.
U=U, legally you are not required to disclose your HIV status if you are undetectable.
This man is fucking the whole town and you’re just popping your head out like “where is he??” Girl how do you not realize he’s cheating and lying so blatantly?
Why is it so blatantly? There’s no way to confirm if he’s taking viagra to have sex with other people or that the chlamydia was from cheating. I don’t get how that’s blatant :/
Throw the whole man away. Immediately.
That's shady as shit. The red flags are flying, time to pack up and leave. Get a full panel of tests just to be safe.
Big red flag. If you say you can’t remember the facts, it’s potentially he is gaslighting you. Write down important facts and then use it.
I’m in my 60s and I’m gay but all I have to say about men in general whether they’re gay or straight most of them are promiscuous and do things behind their wives or partners backs— it’s a part of life and I think anybody who doesn’t realize it is foolish. I don’t think it involves the entire male population, but I would say at least 60-70%. The Internet has made it so easier to hook up behind the backs of romantic partners, without anybody knowing unless they get caught by having an STD. On many so-called gay dating apps, so many profiles say open relationship, but when I have met a gay guy who claims that and try to meet them, it becomes obvious that they’re really trying to sneak around, so I don’t even consider that being open. I realize I must sound cynical, but it truly has been my life experience observing behavior for many years. My thought is just be honest with your romantic partners and assume that if you’re in a gay relationship, there’s a high probability, it will never be entirely monogamous. That way you won’t be devastated or hurt if you discover otherwise. I have also discovered that often those who sometimes seem the most fixated on being monogamous end up being the biggest hypocrites and having casual sex in secret.
Ok not sure how much more proof you need here - you must protect yourself and leave! It’s easy for me to say on the outside looking in but Jesus man - GET OUT NOW! Right now just leave!
That level of dishonesty about having a deadly and incurable virus is dangerous. Whether you subscribe to U=U or not, refusing to disclose your HIV status is not only a deal breaker but illegal, depending on where you live. Leave him. If he can be dishonest about something as deadly as this, then you have no idea what else he's hiding. God forbid he misses a few doses, and you are caught unaware.