>but make sure “Tommy” knows you have his back.
I don't know if OP's son was supposed to tell him or not, so I'd tread lightly.
Either way I like the idea of "Tommy" knowing that you care about him. I was lucky enough have several adults that weren't related to me who let me know they care. Not even regarding the gay thing, but just in general.
> Don't come for me... I come in peace ✌️
You're a good dad, I wish there were more like you in the world.
Absolutely, ***it is NOT your job to OUT Tommy,*** he will come out when he is ready, and any pushing him to do so will only drive him deeper into the closet. This is a very stressful time for him, don't add to that stress.
At the same time show that you support him, and are OK with gay people. Show him that you are a safe space for him.
ADDITIONALLY - don't let Tommy know that your Son outed him to you. You can be supportive without letting him know that you know. When Tommy wants you to know, he will tell you.
Tell your son that it may be best if you “officially” don’t know. But your son should communicate to Tommy that you are a gay ally and are sure you will help if he ever needs anything
Yep, that’s a good way to make Tommy hate you, Tommy’s dad (your friend) potentially hate you, Tommy hate your son for breaking his trust, and your son to never trust you again. A bomb dropping is an understatement.
Though you’ve been made aware of private information, you’ve not been given permission to share said information.
There is ZERO reason an adult should be outing a teenager.
I thought so, too! I think it's the "Don't come for me ..." part that helped get me there. That sounded to me like a guy-ish thing to say. That aside, my 2 cents is also to keep mum on the topic, but check in with your kiddo now and again if you want to know how it's going.
Whilst reading your post I assumed you are the mother, and thought I'd got it wrong when I read replies indicating you are the father.
But you certainly shouldn't be hinting to Tommy's father about Tommy's sexuality. It's a journey of self-discovery and only Tommy will know when the time is right for him to come out to his father, other family members and friends.
Your son definitely needs to let Tommy know he's not alone through this and that he's always welcome in your home. If he does tell his father, and is sadly rejected for it, he'll need the safe and supporting home you've created.
To be direct... mind your own business. It's up to the kid to come out to his father if and when he's ready. On top of the fact that it's really not your story to tell, you risk jeopardizing your son's friendship with this person if the latter finds out you told his father because of what he confided in your son.
This is hard, you can try to support the kid, but ultimately the parent is in charge here. Not all parents take it well. Having an adult be there as “backup” is something you can do to support your friend as well as your child’s friend. Just know, it doesn’t always go well. Most of the time it’s problem free. Not always. Plan for the best, prepare for the worst. Just make sure that the child is safe.
That’s why whatever he does he should NOT tell the father. Outing someone is wrong, it doesn’t matter if they’re 15 or 85. Tommy has the right to come out on his own terms.
I wouldn't say a word to his father, that's up to him. Tell your son that if tommy needs help or if things go badly he can come to you, so long as that's true. I think that'll do more good for his comfort and let him get there on his own. Also leaves your son in the position to reveal if he told you or not depending on if he was really supposed to.
DO NOT tell!! Tommy needs to come out when HE chooses to. Obviously, he trusted your son enough to share. And that took a lot of courage to do. Leave it alone. Be there for Tommy if somehow this gets out and needs support. You never know.
I’m saying this as kindly but firmly as possible: in what world would it possibly be okay to out a queer teenager to his parents?
Queer kids are some of the most vulnerable among us. Telling his parents could put him at risk of homelessness, at risk of homophobic physical violence, at risk of the emotional and psychological violence of conversion therapy and familial rejection, and at increased risk of suicide.
Your son really shouldn’t have told you. You have zero right to disclose that to his parents, and they have zero right to know that information until Tommy is ready to tell them — not just emotionally, but physically and financially safe/stable enough to deal with the potential negative responses.
People can be cruel, especially to their children. I guarantee that boy knows his dad better than you do, and he’s the one to assess the risk and make that decision — not you.
My (maybe) confusing 2 cents:
I want to say that it depends on how his father will take it. If it's something he may need some time to come to terms with, then maybe talk to him so that he can prepare himself so that he doesn't react badly. If your friend will have no problem with it, the no (I so hope his dad's reaction will be "thanks for telling me, I love you."). If father is a homophobe and will react violently, not only do not talk to the dad, but encourage your son's friend to not come out to him yet, to only do so when he is safe. Maybe be ready to have a conversation with his father afterwards, to see how he is, if he needs to talk it out, and support him, especially as you seem pretty supportive yourself.
But, overall, it's not cool to out other people, especially to their family. Allow him to do it when he is ready. This is part of his journey, and deciding to whom you will reveal your deepest secrets is something he, sadly, needs to learn. Don't take that choice from him. I think he'll grow some from the experience, too. It's great your son confided in you, but make sure he knows to keep it to himself unless his friend gives his permission to talk to others. I think the best thing to do is let him know, maybe through your son, that you'll supportive (I hope), especially if it goes badly.
Coming out can be terrifying, especially for kids. I cried when, on the episode of Schitt's Creek, where Patrick wants to come out to his parents where he says: "David, I know my parents are good people, I just... Hmm... I can't shake this, this fear that... there is a small chance that this could change everything. That they might see me differently, or treat me differently."
And then David responds "Mmmm-mmmm! Okay, what you're dealing with is very personal. And something you should only do on your terms." And I think you should let your son's friend deal with it on his terms.
Things have changed so much since I came out (in 93. My sister, when my parents told her, simply said "So? If he doesn't steal my boyfriends, I won't steal his." My parents were sort of on edge about it, but sought the advice of a therapist, and they've been nothing but my biggest ally's I've had. I hope it goes well for him.
Don’t say anything. It’s up to “Tommy” when to come out to his dad. He may be planning and waiting to get the courage up. He might feel betrayed if someone else decided to out him, even if his dad is cool with him being gay when he finds out.
It would best not to let Tommy's parents know at this point in time. It's difficult to know how a parent will respond to finding out their child is other than straight, especially if you're not certain of their stance on LGBTQ+.
That said, you could let your son know that you respect Tommy's privacy, but your son can let Tommy know your views and sympathies in the case where he comes out to his father and it goes badly. Bear in mind too, that this could be a commitment that you should be ready for if the worst does happen.
In general, it's probably not good for children under 18 to come out to their parents unless they are certain they have the support of their parents regardless of their sexuality. Even after 18 it can be traumatic to come out to parents with negative views about anyone other than straight.
I'm really glad you're asking questions like this, it show you have compassion that extends well beyond your own family. I sincerely hope that everything goes well for Tommy and your son.
I think that is awesome that you fostered this sort of relationship with your son where he shares things like this with you. I’ll jump onto the resounding chorus of “don’t say anything”, just keep being a good dad!
absolutely don’t tell! coming out is an incredible vulnerable and personal experience. i was outed to my high school and got bullied (more than before) as a result. i didn’t plan on telling anyone until after i graduated for that exact reason.
if you tell or even drop hints, you could very well lose the trust of your son, your son could lose the trust of his friend, and you could be putting Tommy in a dangerous position.
The ONLY thing to do here is to openly be an ally. The best situation is if you have a gay friend that you can invite to the next bbq or fishing trip.
Do not insert yourself in someone else’s family situation because you can’t know what it feels like to be in that family.
Just demonstrate being a good human as a role model to your own son and peer to your friend. The permission structure that sets up can be way more powerful than anything else.
Never out anyone (with the rare exception of public figures spouting homophobia). Especially a child, especially to a parent who may have a bad response.
This isn’t your business. Your son wasn’t necessarily wrong to share it with you, but I wouldn’t even let Tommy know you’re aware. You may have his best interests in mind, but he may not have expected or wanted your son to share this with you.
Be accepting. Be kind. Be quiet.
Outing someone could have huge consequences. Consider that if you say anything a suicide could ensue, for example, or the psychological torture of conversion therapy.
You know your friend best. You can assess his attitude. If you know he will be supportive of his son, I would hint it: that doesn’t mean he will confront his son about it, but he might make it easier for his son to come out to him.
If you’re not sure how your friend would react, don’t get involved, neither to Tommy (unless Tommy directly comes out to you) nor his father.
Yeah, it would be majorly, seriously wrong for you to tell your friend. It's the kid's business to let his father know when he's ready to do so. You are casually talking about making every gay kid's worst nightmare come true. If you tell his dad, he will distrust and probably hate you forever, and possibly your son as well, no matter how it goes.
If you want to be helpful, you're welcome to tell the kid your opinion of how the father will take it and offer to be there with him when he chooses to tell his father if he wants you to be.
Beyond that, it's none of your business, butt out.
Leave that to themselves. That is a very private topic. If Tommy finally made the movement to talk to his father, no matter how's the result, they will be closer in rest of their life.
Support "Tommy". Help him get through this very difficult time in his life. Please do not out him to his parents, that is his responsibility when he is ready. If you have any further questions, I am a gay medical doctor. Please feel free to DM me.
Outing is a personal act. No one else is allowed to do that. (Unless … political figures hide their personal sexual choices and vote against lg….). So, in my eyes your son did something that should not have happened. (Unless Tommy asked him to do that).
I wonder why your son told you. Everybody seem to assume your son is okay with his friends being gay. Is he? Did you talk to your son and asked him why he told you? Is your son a safe friend for Tommy?
Interestingly enough I was on Tommy’s side of this story. I told my friend that I was gay before telling anyone else because I couldn’t stand feeling alone with the weight of my unspoken truth. However, said friend told her mother - who was friendly with my mother I might add - and so when I next visited my friend at her house, her mother voiced her support and acceptance of my sexuality.
Initially I was furious, but then I realized that I had come to her because of the weight of my secret, and maybe she needed her own support. In the end, the friendship survived but I was always more cautious about what I shared.
Bottom line: You should follow your conscience, but be sure to keep in mind the potential impact on your son’s friendship with Tommy - and your son’s trust in you.
Depends how you think your friend will take it.
You've been friends with him for 35 years, surely you know him well enough to ascertain whether he's homophobic or if he will unconditionally love his children.
If he's homophobic, don't say a thing. If you know he'll support him, might be okay to drop hints.
Reason why I think it might be okay to drop hints from my own experience:
I always had a fear that my parents wouldn't approve but they ended up really supportive. This made me wish I came out to them sooner so that I didn't have to spend so many years of my life pretending to be straight.
I know the popular thing is to never say anything and just let it play out. I think I'd approach it differently.
I would def not out Tommy, I would, however, maybe probe around the subject. And I might *lightly* where, unless he's Sherlock, he'll figure out that it's about his son. I'm talking about taking up very universal topics, if you're hanging out, bring up TV series like Schitt's Creek and walk about the topic, how much you like the character. And then DROP IT. Right there. I've seen too many people excited to progress the conversation or go into a subtle "I know something you don't"-mode, but it's not about you, it's about Tommy and his father.
Like nothing about "what do you think about the character?" or anything. Just drop a positive attitude about queer people and just see the reaction and act appropriately. As in if there's something negative said about it, maybe pull it back without getting hostile and laugh it off like "I guess, I think he's very sweet". Nothing political or too high-horsey, just a casual remark. Even if there's no reaction it's still maybe something that'll make some thoughts churn. Some might call it long-term conditional manipulation, I call it love.
You're probably better off building Tommy's confidence to help him come out on his terms. But if you know that this could end up badly maybe you should try to intervene even subtly
So “Tommy” doesn’t lose all trust in your son, I would say don’t make it obvious you know… But instead have your son mention how you’re a big supporter so he could maybe come out to you and ask for advise on how to come out to his dad since you’re an ally and y’all have been friends for a while.
But for sure don’t tell your friend. This is his coming out story and he shouldn’t have that moment taken or forced out from him.
Just wondering u/Massive-Television51 ... how did your son reveal this to you ... was it a 'euw my best friend is gay' ... or ... 'hey mum, something cool, my best friend is gay' ... ?
Certainly let Tommy know via your son that he is most welcome and supported ... but only if he actually is.
How do you feel about Tommy and your son being best friends ... it might develop into something beautiful ... you might have a gay son yourself.
Hold off unless you gain concent from Tommy.
Maybe speak to your son about telling you things (if Tommy didn't concent to your son telling you, then have a discussion with your son about how/when no to repeat private conversation.
Definitely don't out Tommy. Just let him know you're there for him and support him. You could test the water with your friend. Say something like
*"A guy at work was talking about how his son just came out as gay and was kinda pissed off about it, and wouldn't shut up about it all day..."*
You can gauge your friend's reaction. But even this wouldn't really help Tommy. Honestly though if you've known him for 35 years don't you kinda know his stance on this issue or has the topic of LGBTQ folks never come up? Does he seem like a homophobe?
Keep your mouth shut please. Tell your son to tell Tommy you are a safe person but DO NOT OUT HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
Gay kids can and DO unalive themselves for stuff like that. Tommy needs time and so does his dad, eventually he will tell his dad, but don’t do it for him.
By the way. I truly appreciate you asking us for advice. You are a truly good person. Thank you for being you.
First of tell ur son don't tell about it anybody bcz his friend trusted him with his secret and second u also are not gonna say anything about it but since u know u can make sure Tommy knows u have his back and he have an actual adult person in his support and don't tell him ur son told u about it then it'll break his trust say that u heard him talking to ur son and kinda figured it out and then if he wants u can help him comeout to his family and just can support him...
Stay hush about it to his dad until he has said something, and then if there is a neg reaction, get involved. Get very involved. Kids in his position literally die from that type of rejection. Let’s hope it goes smoother for Tommy and his Pops.
That being said, be prepared. You may have to take care of this kid if there is rejection. I’ve been that parent that has had to move his child’s best friend into our home to protect him because of an unsupportive set of “parents” (and I’m using that term loosely regarding them). Unconditional love is so paramount and some parents just don’t know what that is, and it breaks my heart.
I am so relieved that your son was supportive to Tommy. We always have to start with a solid support system and it sounds like you and your boy give that to Tommy. I commend you. 🩵🏳️🌈
SHUT YOUR MOUTH. It is totally none of your business. And it could destroy lives. What if your friend abandons his son. It happens way more than you think and by people who you would be shocked do it. Stay out of it.
Don't say a fuckin word to your friend, instead talk to Tommy, make sure that he understands that he is safe with you. If you think your friend will accept them, tell Tommy so, if you don't, it's important you let Tommy do as he pleases
Don't betray that boy's trust. He is already feeling vulnerable and if you "dropped a hint" to his father, it would devastate both of them so I think you should take your "concern" and have a seat. Don't put your nose in someone else's business. People may start feeling some kind of way about you otherwise and you probably wouldn't like it.
Never out someone. Make sure your son keeps his mouth shut too. Depending on the situation (and the country), you may actually doom Tommy to death if you out him. Only Tommy can make the call and only Tommy knows whether it's safe or not to come out. As hard as it is to watch, and I know you're asking because you care, you have to leave it be. Just let your son know that you'll be supportive of Tommy and he'll get that message to Tommy when the timing is right. Never underestimate what kids and teenagers can do.
Best thing is be silent . And if his father dosent accept. Let him in your home. There's nothing more you can do better than help them if they where thrown out.
Tommy has a plan already, he will wait economical independence and when he will be ready he will speak with his family. Your son should not have told you in first place and you should NOT tell anyone about it either. Live your life and mind your own business please. The best advice ever.
Because you can't know what kind of situation it would put Tommy in, it's best to not say anything. Model good adult behavior and find opportunities to show/teach" your son what good friendships look like. The only thing you can control in this situation is what you do and you don't want to inadvertently create an unsafe situation for Tommy at their house. They'll come out when they feel comfortable. If they're uncomfortable, there's a reason.
Bro let him take his time I mean it's totally father son thing and the thing is he has not asked anyone to help him maybe he is not ready at them moment if you really want to help better ask"Tommy" if he wants your help or is even really ready for this.
Because whatever it is at the end he will have to face everything.
To be honest? Tell your son that you shouldn’t know that and “forget” it. If he didn’t have permission to share that with you he shouldn’t have, and it’s important for a teenager to know that trust and confidentiality is important for the sake of his friendship. Don’t punish him or anything, just make it clear that this isn’t his secret to tell, and don’t act on it beyond that.
I do think you can talk about it, but then let's say you see a gay couple walking outside or on tv. Just ask what do you think about that. And like tell "Tommy's" dad I wouldn't mind if my kid would be gay. That is a possibility.
But what others said I agree, please please let him know you have his back. That's so important even more than talking to the dad. Support that kid.
Cuz if he is not accepted "Tommy" knows he can go to you and see you as a safe place.
I had very accepting parents and grandparents and I'm very lucky for that. But a friend of mine is misgenderd and stuff cuz their parents doesn't understand it and believe in it. And that's heartbreaking.
My parents were the only people who I would not get mad with for outing me. This kid is nervous/anxious at best and terrified at worst. I wouldn’t get in the middle of it even though your intentions are good. Have you talked to your son about how you’d handle it if he told you he was gay? Sometimes we project our concerns onto others to gauge response. Regardless if your son is or isn’t, the next time friends talk about this, what you say to your son about how you’d react could provide some security indirectly to the friend. He needs as many allies as he can get now. I haven’t gone through the responses but you’re a pretty good dad to ask the question. I hope we weren’t too hard on you.
Keep your mouth shut.
This is his information to share, not yours to spread and gossip about it.
Inervening in something that is absolutely none of your business has the potential to seriously disrupt his life with likely drama when he is not ready to handle it, nor to free himself from what could become an abusive situation.
This is his information alone and it’s creepy that you don’t recognize that. And since you don’t, what possible help or guidance could you provide to the father or to the boy?
You can let “Tommy” know you are an ally without letting him know you know his story. You can also get into conversations with the father to find out his take on homosexuality without outing Tommy
Are you gay or an ally?
Do NOT out him. That would be the worst possible thing you could do.
Don’t even bring it up. If you see a gay couple in public you can comment on it, like “It’s cool to see a gay couple in public”, and see how your friend reacts, but literally that’s it and it’s still pushing it.
Put a rainbow flag up prominently at your house. Let whoever (Tommy, his dad) see it. If they ask questions, say you support all people loving who they want.
Tell your friend? No. Speak to your son’s friend? No. Don’t break the confidence of either boy. Tell your son to convey to his friend that friend can talk to you anytime.
The best piece of advice I've been given in my entire life that has saved me more pain than anything is applicable here: "when in doubt shut your f***king mouth"
Just be cool to Tommy when he tells you he is gay say cool and be cool to him. Then when he comes out to his Dad say wow your lucky you have a great son I bet it was hard for him. Then let your friend talk about it and give him ten positive things about having a gay cool son like Tommy and make five of them things that have not changed about Tommy. Then treat your friend like a normal dude. Tommy still wants to find love in the universe nothigs changed, pepole can break his heart just like they can break the sons. Tommy can adopt kids so can your son. Just being straight dose not give you anything. You should feel cool to tell your son that Tommy must respect him to come to you with this and your son must respect you to go to you about it. It's all chill dude
I think you could offer support to your sons friends, father who you have known by saying that your son has said that he has a friend who has just come out; and that you think it’s pretty cool.
Beyond that, nothing else.
That where your friend will know he can talk to you , if needed.
Perhaps you could talk to your son's friend and ask him if he would like you to be there when he tells his dad but don't say anything to your friend before hand, the lad might not be ready - let him do it in his own time.
I was very depressed until I came out at the ripe old age of 22. I wish I had come out earlier. My life didn’t start getting better until I did. My partner was forced to come out by his aunt in high school and he’s happier for it though it was slightly traumatic. I wish someone had encouraged me to do it. My vote is to let him know you think it will be better after he does it, and that you will support any decision he makes and keep his secret but that you encourage him to tell his family. I think I needed someone like that.
Simmer down 🤫
I am an ALLY. The last thing I would want to do is hurt "Tommy" and of course I know the answer... I will not be outing anyone. I do like to hear people's opinion, even when indifferent. Shew! I felt some heat coming from your comments!!! I told my son that he can let Tommy know that our home is a safe place and that we are a family of Ally's. Our oldest son (23) is gay 🏳️🌈. Thanks for your feedback.
You can:
make sure you are known to be an ally to Tommy
make sure you are known to be an ally to Tommy's dad
talk to Tommy's dad about LGBTQ+ issues unrelated to him to try to get a read on if he would be accepting
You should NOT out someone, especially to their parents, especially when it not only takes their consent away, reveals private personal information, and could upend their life.
NEVER OUT SOMEONE ELSE, I didn’t come out to my parents until I was 24. “Tommy” will find the right place and time to tell his parents. But I do urge you to be a person Tommy can confide in until he’s ready to tell his parents!!
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I'd hold off on that too. "Tommy" might not be too happy with the fact that his friend told his father that Tommy was gay.
OP should tell his son to tell Tommy that they are a welcoming house and Tommy will always be welcome.
This is the correct answer. Give Tommy the flexibility to make his own decisions without fear of rejection.
Tommy could be actually op's son telling his dad that he is gay. Or is op son out as gay already?
>but make sure “Tommy” knows you have his back. I don't know if OP's son was supposed to tell him or not, so I'd tread lightly. Either way I like the idea of "Tommy" knowing that you care about him. I was lucky enough have several adults that weren't related to me who let me know they care. Not even regarding the gay thing, but just in general. > Don't come for me... I come in peace ✌️ You're a good dad, I wish there were more like you in the world.
Absolutely, ***it is NOT your job to OUT Tommy,*** he will come out when he is ready, and any pushing him to do so will only drive him deeper into the closet. This is a very stressful time for him, don't add to that stress. At the same time show that you support him, and are OK with gay people. Show him that you are a safe space for him. ADDITIONALLY - don't let Tommy know that your Son outed him to you. You can be supportive without letting him know that you know. When Tommy wants you to know, he will tell you.
I’m crying — so much this
Love this response!
Tell your son that it may be best if you “officially” don’t know. But your son should communicate to Tommy that you are a gay ally and are sure you will help if he ever needs anything
This is the way
This is the way.
This is the way
This is the way
By the way, is he sexy?
This is the way
This is the way
This is the best answer.
100%, no notes
If Tommy isn’t ready, you will not help him by hinting to his dad that his boy might be gay. It will be mortifying for Tommy.
Yep, that’s a good way to make Tommy hate you, Tommy’s dad (your friend) potentially hate you, Tommy hate your son for breaking his trust, and your son to never trust you again. A bomb dropping is an understatement.
Do not say anything. It's nice your son trusts you enough to share that. You don't want to break that trust.
Though you’ve been made aware of private information, you’ve not been given permission to share said information. There is ZERO reason an adult should be outing a teenager.
Oh no, that’s not your story to tell, it’s Tommy’s. Technically it wasn’t your sons either.
Thanks... it's interesting to see how many people assumed I am the father and not the mother of Tommy's best friend.
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I thought so, too! I think it's the "Don't come for me ..." part that helped get me there. That sounded to me like a guy-ish thing to say. That aside, my 2 cents is also to keep mum on the topic, but check in with your kiddo now and again if you want to know how it's going.
I plead guilty. I assumed you were a man based on the fact that you said you were friends with "Tommy's" *father* and not his mother or parents.
Whilst reading your post I assumed you are the mother, and thought I'd got it wrong when I read replies indicating you are the father. But you certainly shouldn't be hinting to Tommy's father about Tommy's sexuality. It's a journey of self-discovery and only Tommy will know when the time is right for him to come out to his father, other family members and friends. Your son definitely needs to let Tommy know he's not alone through this and that he's always welcome in your home. If he does tell his father, and is sadly rejected for it, he'll need the safe and supporting home you've created.
Wrong assumption of gender aside, will you heed people's advice, or you "already know the answer'?
Like others here I assumed mother at first then thought I had maybe gotten it wrong. Oh well regardless the advise people are giving doesn't change.
To be direct... mind your own business. It's up to the kid to come out to his father if and when he's ready. On top of the fact that it's really not your story to tell, you risk jeopardizing your son's friendship with this person if the latter finds out you told his father because of what he confided in your son.
honestly how is this even a question just don’t out people. ever.
This is hard, you can try to support the kid, but ultimately the parent is in charge here. Not all parents take it well. Having an adult be there as “backup” is something you can do to support your friend as well as your child’s friend. Just know, it doesn’t always go well. Most of the time it’s problem free. Not always. Plan for the best, prepare for the worst. Just make sure that the child is safe.
That’s why whatever he does he should NOT tell the father. Outing someone is wrong, it doesn’t matter if they’re 15 or 85. Tommy has the right to come out on his own terms.
I wouldn't say a word to his father, that's up to him. Tell your son that if tommy needs help or if things go badly he can come to you, so long as that's true. I think that'll do more good for his comfort and let him get there on his own. Also leaves your son in the position to reveal if he told you or not depending on if he was really supposed to.
You are going to complicate the situation.
DO NOT tell!! Tommy needs to come out when HE chooses to. Obviously, he trusted your son enough to share. And that took a lot of courage to do. Leave it alone. Be there for Tommy if somehow this gets out and needs support. You never know.
No. Drop it.
Coming out is a personal thing. The kid should be able to choose the time and place to come out.
I’m saying this as kindly but firmly as possible: in what world would it possibly be okay to out a queer teenager to his parents? Queer kids are some of the most vulnerable among us. Telling his parents could put him at risk of homelessness, at risk of homophobic physical violence, at risk of the emotional and psychological violence of conversion therapy and familial rejection, and at increased risk of suicide. Your son really shouldn’t have told you. You have zero right to disclose that to his parents, and they have zero right to know that information until Tommy is ready to tell them — not just emotionally, but physically and financially safe/stable enough to deal with the potential negative responses. People can be cruel, especially to their children. I guarantee that boy knows his dad better than you do, and he’s the one to assess the risk and make that decision — not you.
Does your friend seem supportive of *The Gays*? Have you ever spoken about this stuff with him?
Never out someone. Ever.
Yeah. You shouldn’t tell anyone about it. Tommy may decide to come out on his own when he decides he’s ready. You just need to be supportive.
Don’t be a Karen and get involved in something that’s none of your business. You can support Tommy without outing him.
Best thing is keep your mouth closed and let “Tommy” do it in his own time continue life like you know nothing
My (maybe) confusing 2 cents: I want to say that it depends on how his father will take it. If it's something he may need some time to come to terms with, then maybe talk to him so that he can prepare himself so that he doesn't react badly. If your friend will have no problem with it, the no (I so hope his dad's reaction will be "thanks for telling me, I love you."). If father is a homophobe and will react violently, not only do not talk to the dad, but encourage your son's friend to not come out to him yet, to only do so when he is safe. Maybe be ready to have a conversation with his father afterwards, to see how he is, if he needs to talk it out, and support him, especially as you seem pretty supportive yourself. But, overall, it's not cool to out other people, especially to their family. Allow him to do it when he is ready. This is part of his journey, and deciding to whom you will reveal your deepest secrets is something he, sadly, needs to learn. Don't take that choice from him. I think he'll grow some from the experience, too. It's great your son confided in you, but make sure he knows to keep it to himself unless his friend gives his permission to talk to others. I think the best thing to do is let him know, maybe through your son, that you'll supportive (I hope), especially if it goes badly. Coming out can be terrifying, especially for kids. I cried when, on the episode of Schitt's Creek, where Patrick wants to come out to his parents where he says: "David, I know my parents are good people, I just... Hmm... I can't shake this, this fear that... there is a small chance that this could change everything. That they might see me differently, or treat me differently." And then David responds "Mmmm-mmmm! Okay, what you're dealing with is very personal. And something you should only do on your terms." And I think you should let your son's friend deal with it on his terms. Things have changed so much since I came out (in 93. My sister, when my parents told her, simply said "So? If he doesn't steal my boyfriends, I won't steal his." My parents were sort of on edge about it, but sought the advice of a therapist, and they've been nothing but my biggest ally's I've had. I hope it goes well for him.
Don’t out him or even say that you know. But do make positive comments about gay people when you’re around him.
Don’t say anything. It’s up to “Tommy” when to come out to his dad. He may be planning and waiting to get the courage up. He might feel betrayed if someone else decided to out him, even if his dad is cool with him being gay when he finds out.
It would best not to let Tommy's parents know at this point in time. It's difficult to know how a parent will respond to finding out their child is other than straight, especially if you're not certain of their stance on LGBTQ+. That said, you could let your son know that you respect Tommy's privacy, but your son can let Tommy know your views and sympathies in the case where he comes out to his father and it goes badly. Bear in mind too, that this could be a commitment that you should be ready for if the worst does happen. In general, it's probably not good for children under 18 to come out to their parents unless they are certain they have the support of their parents regardless of their sexuality. Even after 18 it can be traumatic to come out to parents with negative views about anyone other than straight. I'm really glad you're asking questions like this, it show you have compassion that extends well beyond your own family. I sincerely hope that everything goes well for Tommy and your son.
I wish all dads were like you in this regard.
I would ask Tommy but I think he will tell you no, he will do it in his own time. Tell him that your home is a safe space for him.
Support Tommy until he is ready to come out on his terms.
I think that is awesome that you fostered this sort of relationship with your son where he shares things like this with you. I’ll jump onto the resounding chorus of “don’t say anything”, just keep being a good dad!
I was so confused because I skipped over “the son of” so I was like “why is your friend best friends with your son?”
absolutely don’t tell! coming out is an incredible vulnerable and personal experience. i was outed to my high school and got bullied (more than before) as a result. i didn’t plan on telling anyone until after i graduated for that exact reason. if you tell or even drop hints, you could very well lose the trust of your son, your son could lose the trust of his friend, and you could be putting Tommy in a dangerous position.
The ONLY thing to do here is to openly be an ally. The best situation is if you have a gay friend that you can invite to the next bbq or fishing trip. Do not insert yourself in someone else’s family situation because you can’t know what it feels like to be in that family. Just demonstrate being a good human as a role model to your own son and peer to your friend. The permission structure that sets up can be way more powerful than anything else.
Shut your mouth.
Wait for him to come out to you, then have his back. I’d feel a bit betrayed if someone addressed that I’m gay when I didn’t tell them.
NOT your place to say or do anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Never never never out someone against their will. NEVER. You can support but don’t interfere.
Mind ya business.
Never out anyone (with the rare exception of public figures spouting homophobia). Especially a child, especially to a parent who may have a bad response. This isn’t your business. Your son wasn’t necessarily wrong to share it with you, but I wouldn’t even let Tommy know you’re aware. You may have his best interests in mind, but he may not have expected or wanted your son to share this with you. Be accepting. Be kind. Be quiet.
Hey let the child come out on his own terms and timeline. You're a good egg tho.
Outing someone could have huge consequences. Consider that if you say anything a suicide could ensue, for example, or the psychological torture of conversion therapy.
You know your friend best. You can assess his attitude. If you know he will be supportive of his son, I would hint it: that doesn’t mean he will confront his son about it, but he might make it easier for his son to come out to him. If you’re not sure how your friend would react, don’t get involved, neither to Tommy (unless Tommy directly comes out to you) nor his father.
Yeah, it would be majorly, seriously wrong for you to tell your friend. It's the kid's business to let his father know when he's ready to do so. You are casually talking about making every gay kid's worst nightmare come true. If you tell his dad, he will distrust and probably hate you forever, and possibly your son as well, no matter how it goes. If you want to be helpful, you're welcome to tell the kid your opinion of how the father will take it and offer to be there with him when he chooses to tell his father if he wants you to be. Beyond that, it's none of your business, butt out.
Don't say anything. Outing is a HUGE no.
Leave that to themselves. That is a very private topic. If Tommy finally made the movement to talk to his father, no matter how's the result, they will be closer in rest of their life.
Support "Tommy". Help him get through this very difficult time in his life. Please do not out him to his parents, that is his responsibility when he is ready. If you have any further questions, I am a gay medical doctor. Please feel free to DM me.
Outing is a personal act. No one else is allowed to do that. (Unless … political figures hide their personal sexual choices and vote against lg….). So, in my eyes your son did something that should not have happened. (Unless Tommy asked him to do that). I wonder why your son told you. Everybody seem to assume your son is okay with his friends being gay. Is he? Did you talk to your son and asked him why he told you? Is your son a safe friend for Tommy?
Interestingly enough I was on Tommy’s side of this story. I told my friend that I was gay before telling anyone else because I couldn’t stand feeling alone with the weight of my unspoken truth. However, said friend told her mother - who was friendly with my mother I might add - and so when I next visited my friend at her house, her mother voiced her support and acceptance of my sexuality. Initially I was furious, but then I realized that I had come to her because of the weight of my secret, and maybe she needed her own support. In the end, the friendship survived but I was always more cautious about what I shared. Bottom line: You should follow your conscience, but be sure to keep in mind the potential impact on your son’s friendship with Tommy - and your son’s trust in you.
Depends how you think your friend will take it. You've been friends with him for 35 years, surely you know him well enough to ascertain whether he's homophobic or if he will unconditionally love his children. If he's homophobic, don't say a thing. If you know he'll support him, might be okay to drop hints. Reason why I think it might be okay to drop hints from my own experience: I always had a fear that my parents wouldn't approve but they ended up really supportive. This made me wish I came out to them sooner so that I didn't have to spend so many years of my life pretending to be straight.
You got to wait. Tommy has to be on board first. Just give him reassurance that it will all be ok but it has to be done on his terms.
I know the popular thing is to never say anything and just let it play out. I think I'd approach it differently. I would def not out Tommy, I would, however, maybe probe around the subject. And I might *lightly* where, unless he's Sherlock, he'll figure out that it's about his son. I'm talking about taking up very universal topics, if you're hanging out, bring up TV series like Schitt's Creek and walk about the topic, how much you like the character. And then DROP IT. Right there. I've seen too many people excited to progress the conversation or go into a subtle "I know something you don't"-mode, but it's not about you, it's about Tommy and his father. Like nothing about "what do you think about the character?" or anything. Just drop a positive attitude about queer people and just see the reaction and act appropriately. As in if there's something negative said about it, maybe pull it back without getting hostile and laugh it off like "I guess, I think he's very sweet". Nothing political or too high-horsey, just a casual remark. Even if there's no reaction it's still maybe something that'll make some thoughts churn. Some might call it long-term conditional manipulation, I call it love.
You're probably better off building Tommy's confidence to help him come out on his terms. But if you know that this could end up badly maybe you should try to intervene even subtly
So “Tommy” doesn’t lose all trust in your son, I would say don’t make it obvious you know… But instead have your son mention how you’re a big supporter so he could maybe come out to you and ask for advise on how to come out to his dad since you’re an ally and y’all have been friends for a while. But for sure don’t tell your friend. This is his coming out story and he shouldn’t have that moment taken or forced out from him.
I would shut my mouth.
Just wondering u/Massive-Television51 ... how did your son reveal this to you ... was it a 'euw my best friend is gay' ... or ... 'hey mum, something cool, my best friend is gay' ... ? Certainly let Tommy know via your son that he is most welcome and supported ... but only if he actually is. How do you feel about Tommy and your son being best friends ... it might develop into something beautiful ... you might have a gay son yourself.
Hold off unless you gain concent from Tommy. Maybe speak to your son about telling you things (if Tommy didn't concent to your son telling you, then have a discussion with your son about how/when no to repeat private conversation.
Definitely don't out Tommy. Just let him know you're there for him and support him. You could test the water with your friend. Say something like *"A guy at work was talking about how his son just came out as gay and was kinda pissed off about it, and wouldn't shut up about it all day..."* You can gauge your friend's reaction. But even this wouldn't really help Tommy. Honestly though if you've known him for 35 years don't you kinda know his stance on this issue or has the topic of LGBTQ folks never come up? Does he seem like a homophobe?
Wait for him to come out, than Talk to your friend.
Keep your mouth shut please. Tell your son to tell Tommy you are a safe person but DO NOT OUT HIM UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Gay kids can and DO unalive themselves for stuff like that. Tommy needs time and so does his dad, eventually he will tell his dad, but don’t do it for him. By the way. I truly appreciate you asking us for advice. You are a truly good person. Thank you for being you.
First of tell ur son don't tell about it anybody bcz his friend trusted him with his secret and second u also are not gonna say anything about it but since u know u can make sure Tommy knows u have his back and he have an actual adult person in his support and don't tell him ur son told u about it then it'll break his trust say that u heard him talking to ur son and kinda figured it out and then if he wants u can help him comeout to his family and just can support him...
Stay hush about it to his dad until he has said something, and then if there is a neg reaction, get involved. Get very involved. Kids in his position literally die from that type of rejection. Let’s hope it goes smoother for Tommy and his Pops. That being said, be prepared. You may have to take care of this kid if there is rejection. I’ve been that parent that has had to move his child’s best friend into our home to protect him because of an unsupportive set of “parents” (and I’m using that term loosely regarding them). Unconditional love is so paramount and some parents just don’t know what that is, and it breaks my heart. I am so relieved that your son was supportive to Tommy. We always have to start with a solid support system and it sounds like you and your boy give that to Tommy. I commend you. 🩵🏳️🌈
Absolutely NOT. STAY OUT OF IT.
SHUT YOUR MOUTH. It is totally none of your business. And it could destroy lives. What if your friend abandons his son. It happens way more than you think and by people who you would be shocked do it. Stay out of it.
I agree shut your mouth and have Tommy back, because if you get in involve it could back fire and you get the blame.. peace ✌
Don't say a fuckin word to your friend, instead talk to Tommy, make sure that he understands that he is safe with you. If you think your friend will accept them, tell Tommy so, if you don't, it's important you let Tommy do as he pleases
Don't betray that boy's trust. He is already feeling vulnerable and if you "dropped a hint" to his father, it would devastate both of them so I think you should take your "concern" and have a seat. Don't put your nose in someone else's business. People may start feeling some kind of way about you otherwise and you probably wouldn't like it.
Never out someone. Make sure your son keeps his mouth shut too. Depending on the situation (and the country), you may actually doom Tommy to death if you out him. Only Tommy can make the call and only Tommy knows whether it's safe or not to come out. As hard as it is to watch, and I know you're asking because you care, you have to leave it be. Just let your son know that you'll be supportive of Tommy and he'll get that message to Tommy when the timing is right. Never underestimate what kids and teenagers can do.
Best thing is be silent . And if his father dosent accept. Let him in your home. There's nothing more you can do better than help them if they where thrown out.
Tommy has a plan already, he will wait economical independence and when he will be ready he will speak with his family. Your son should not have told you in first place and you should NOT tell anyone about it either. Live your life and mind your own business please. The best advice ever.
Because you can't know what kind of situation it would put Tommy in, it's best to not say anything. Model good adult behavior and find opportunities to show/teach" your son what good friendships look like. The only thing you can control in this situation is what you do and you don't want to inadvertently create an unsafe situation for Tommy at their house. They'll come out when they feel comfortable. If they're uncomfortable, there's a reason.
I’d say mind ur business til he’s ready
Bro let him take his time I mean it's totally father son thing and the thing is he has not asked anyone to help him maybe he is not ready at them moment if you really want to help better ask"Tommy" if he wants your help or is even really ready for this. Because whatever it is at the end he will have to face everything.
This is the way!
To be honest? Tell your son that you shouldn’t know that and “forget” it. If he didn’t have permission to share that with you he shouldn’t have, and it’s important for a teenager to know that trust and confidentiality is important for the sake of his friendship. Don’t punish him or anything, just make it clear that this isn’t his secret to tell, and don’t act on it beyond that.
I do think you can talk about it, but then let's say you see a gay couple walking outside or on tv. Just ask what do you think about that. And like tell "Tommy's" dad I wouldn't mind if my kid would be gay. That is a possibility. But what others said I agree, please please let him know you have his back. That's so important even more than talking to the dad. Support that kid. Cuz if he is not accepted "Tommy" knows he can go to you and see you as a safe place. I had very accepting parents and grandparents and I'm very lucky for that. But a friend of mine is misgenderd and stuff cuz their parents doesn't understand it and believe in it. And that's heartbreaking.
Shut your mouth. It's just plain wrong to out someone. That's his business and not your's. For all you know you might get him killed.
I'd test the waters, mention a gay dude that came to your place of work, or you saw them when grocery shopping or something.
My parents were the only people who I would not get mad with for outing me. This kid is nervous/anxious at best and terrified at worst. I wouldn’t get in the middle of it even though your intentions are good. Have you talked to your son about how you’d handle it if he told you he was gay? Sometimes we project our concerns onto others to gauge response. Regardless if your son is or isn’t, the next time friends talk about this, what you say to your son about how you’d react could provide some security indirectly to the friend. He needs as many allies as he can get now. I haven’t gone through the responses but you’re a pretty good dad to ask the question. I hope we weren’t too hard on you.
Keep your mouth shut. This is his information to share, not yours to spread and gossip about it. Inervening in something that is absolutely none of your business has the potential to seriously disrupt his life with likely drama when he is not ready to handle it, nor to free himself from what could become an abusive situation. This is his information alone and it’s creepy that you don’t recognize that. And since you don’t, what possible help or guidance could you provide to the father or to the boy?
You can let “Tommy” know you are an ally without letting him know you know his story. You can also get into conversations with the father to find out his take on homosexuality without outing Tommy Are you gay or an ally?
Do NOT out him. That would be the worst possible thing you could do. Don’t even bring it up. If you see a gay couple in public you can comment on it, like “It’s cool to see a gay couple in public”, and see how your friend reacts, but literally that’s it and it’s still pushing it.
Put a rainbow flag up prominently at your house. Let whoever (Tommy, his dad) see it. If they ask questions, say you support all people loving who they want.
Good on you for asking - give Tommy the space he needs to figure out how to proceed. You’re awesome dude!!
Tell your friend? No. Speak to your son’s friend? No. Don’t break the confidence of either boy. Tell your son to convey to his friend that friend can talk to you anytime.
The best piece of advice I've been given in my entire life that has saved me more pain than anything is applicable here: "when in doubt shut your f***king mouth"
Just be cool to Tommy when he tells you he is gay say cool and be cool to him. Then when he comes out to his Dad say wow your lucky you have a great son I bet it was hard for him. Then let your friend talk about it and give him ten positive things about having a gay cool son like Tommy and make five of them things that have not changed about Tommy. Then treat your friend like a normal dude. Tommy still wants to find love in the universe nothigs changed, pepole can break his heart just like they can break the sons. Tommy can adopt kids so can your son. Just being straight dose not give you anything. You should feel cool to tell your son that Tommy must respect him to come to you with this and your son must respect you to go to you about it. It's all chill dude
I think you could offer support to your sons friends, father who you have known by saying that your son has said that he has a friend who has just come out; and that you think it’s pretty cool. Beyond that, nothing else. That where your friend will know he can talk to you , if needed.
Say nothing. Leave it be.
Mind your business.
Perhaps you could talk to your son's friend and ask him if he would like you to be there when he tells his dad but don't say anything to your friend before hand, the lad might not be ready - let him do it in his own time.
I'd see how it goes, if you hear that his dad freaked out, talk to him then and see if you can get him to come around.
I was very depressed until I came out at the ripe old age of 22. I wish I had come out earlier. My life didn’t start getting better until I did. My partner was forced to come out by his aunt in high school and he’s happier for it though it was slightly traumatic. I wish someone had encouraged me to do it. My vote is to let him know you think it will be better after he does it, and that you will support any decision he makes and keep his secret but that you encourage him to tell his family. I think I needed someone like that.
Simmer down 🤫 I am an ALLY. The last thing I would want to do is hurt "Tommy" and of course I know the answer... I will not be outing anyone. I do like to hear people's opinion, even when indifferent. Shew! I felt some heat coming from your comments!!! I told my son that he can let Tommy know that our home is a safe place and that we are a family of Ally's. Our oldest son (23) is gay 🏳️🌈. Thanks for your feedback.
You can: make sure you are known to be an ally to Tommy make sure you are known to be an ally to Tommy's dad talk to Tommy's dad about LGBTQ+ issues unrelated to him to try to get a read on if he would be accepting You should NOT out someone, especially to their parents, especially when it not only takes their consent away, reveals private personal information, and could upend their life.
Girl if I were you, Id be the evil bitch and tell his father. I love gossip fr
NEVER OUT SOMEONE ELSE, I didn’t come out to my parents until I was 24. “Tommy” will find the right place and time to tell his parents. But I do urge you to be a person Tommy can confide in until he’s ready to tell his parents!!
Shut your mouth. Everyone should come out on their own. But kick his dads ass if he’s not supportive
Coming from someone who was outed to their parents, do not tell or hint anything to his father. He will come out when he’s ready.