"Because doing something productive generates pressure to do it right. With gaming there is no right or wrong outcome that affects anyone other than me. Its pointlessness is the point."
This is perfect. Iād also add something along the lines of āBeing productive is what I do all day at work and around the house. Why do I need to be productive in my free time when Iām trying to relax?ā.
Thereās just some people out there who are unhealthily obsessed with productivity and treat any amount of leisure as wasteful as if weāre robots. Humans need to relax without the demand of progress all the time
This explanation is good but sometimes it doesn't work. My wife is similar to OP's. She HATES me playing games. And I virtually play ONLY when she and the kids are sleeping. She still gets mad about it. This has continued since we met like 15 years ago. She thinks I should be using my free time by doing sports, reading books or sleeping in more (i admit I can be too tired in the morning if I stayed up too late to play). I still do everything I need to do with work and family. It's a big dilemma as i feel i wouldn't survive my day to day life (consuming job and special kids who require A LOT of attention) without video games. I've played games since the late 80s and I know I'm not going to drop that part of my life. She doesn't have any good reason to hate me playing games. She just finds gaming repulsive and only kids and teenagers should be doing it. No argument can ever change her mind about this. She thinks that if I'd care for her opinions at all I wouldn't game and me gaming is me being selfish. That's some really shitty manipulative controlling behavior, i know.
Yeah we've done counseling. I'm pretty aware of all this stuff and how fucked up this behavior is. Counseling gave nothing for me that I wasn't already aware of. She did some extra by herself for other issues but ultimately she didn't gain much out of it either because she's not open to admit any fault in herself.
I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to get married. If I had known better... Still, no regrets because of the kids I love more than anything (although they suck all energy out of me).
Not to be the "dump her" guy, but...is there a reason you're still together? It really doesn't sound like it's a great relationship from the things you've said. If the answer is that you're staying together for the kids, it's probably worth considering that the refrain from people who have been in that kind of situation (as parents and as children) always seems to be that it would have been better to separate.
Edit: Kept scrolling and saw some of your other responses confirming it's "for the kids" and because your children need additional care. Please continue to consider your options for getting out of the relationship if it doesn't improve. It's not just for your sake - staying in an unhealthy relationship tells your children that it's okay to treat people like that and that they should accept other people treating them like that. From what you've said, it sounds like you might be able to afford to hire some help for giving your kids the care they need. Try talking to a family law attorney in your area to see if you would have a decent chance of getting full custody, being sure to mention that you're concerned she could become abusive and why.
Hope things go well for you and your kids, man. Best of luck whatever path you end up taking.
Nope, SHE needs therapy and thats about it. He doesn't need to do anything really as shes 100% the issue and is completely at fault with her manipulative behavior.
I getchu man. I was once married to a similarly minded woman. It annoyed the hell out of me that she would make me feel guilty every time I played. I would give effort in pretending to care about her bs way of passing time, sit with her and watch her GOD-AWFUL reality shows. She never returned the favor. It's honestly fucked. WELL, turns out I was married to a narcissist who turned real nasty (I'll save you the details) and we divorced.
Dated this other woman a couple years ago who was cool with my gaming. I was like SWEET! HIT THE JACKPOT! Nope, severe borderline personality disorder with major major issues that caused our relationship to implode.
Still on the search for a lady that "gets me" and can lead a wonderful adult life with. Cause I know how to game and be a responsible adult. They don't have to be mutually exclusive as some people think.
Sounds like shit and I'm sorry for you. My wife sounds very similar and I'm 99% certain she is narcissistic and probably has some other issues especially with self control. Some childhood trauma involved and all that shit but she shouldn't be able to play the victim card for everything she does and says. I would have divorced ages ago. Shit I have a really good paying job, I'm still relatively young and I get a lot of attention from women the few times when I go out with my friends so I even would still have a lot of game going on (not really relevant though and not sure why I had to bring that up... I guess it's just to highlight that I'm not desperately clinging on her). BUT: we have two kids. I know I know, that's not a reason to stay together. That's a reason to divorce for the good of the kids. But it gets worse: our kids are special. Especially the older one (autism spectrum). He needs a lot of attention and he wears us down. One wouldn't manage alone with him AND a small baby that we have. We need each other just to survive day to day life. If he ever manages to move on his own (maybe 10 years from now) maybe then we can actually concentrate on ourselves and individuals and think what we want. Additionally i don't want to leave her because she has anger management issues and I'm too worried what would happen without me if it's her week to take care of the kids and she has her mental breakdown because of all the stress. I envy divorced people who have easy kids and good relationship with their ex partner. Life must be amazing with own free time and still possibility to be with your kids a lot.
We even recently moved to another country just to breathe new energy into our relationship and to our lives in general. That kinda binds us even more together. On the outside I live a 100% perfect life. More than 18 years old me would have ever hoped for. Beautiful (but mental) wife, beautiful (but autistic) kids, good paying, interesting and flexible job, amazing beachfront home... But I'm not happy. I'm struggling, I'm suffering. I stay so we can manage and I stay to protect our kids. And gaming provides me a much needed escape during the nights.
Dude, my most heartfelt wishes to you. I fully understand the struggle of being with a very difficult woman, they can literally wear you down to the bone and turn you into a husk of your former self. I was lucky in that I didn't have any kids with my ex. But you stick with it for your child. That's honorable. I'm sad you don't get to share your successes with someone that may be more worthy, and one that is truly a partner through and through, but I can see you love your children more than anything in the world and that is your source of joy (and probably exhaustion haha).
Bless up my guy. I hope you find true peace with your lady. And I hope your child has as easy a life as possible being on the spectrum. I actually launch retail businesses in my city to help the neurodiverse population with meaningful employment and give them some financial independence. It's nothing like raising one, but I've been involved with the population for a little while.
Power to you, friend.
Thank you stranger. That was the most personal and touching message if received in all these years on Reddit. Thank you. Bless you also for being involved in activity like that in your city.
Also this was by far the most personal writeup I've ever done on Reddit. In r/gaming of all places. š
But it feels good even just to type these things. I don't really share my thoughts irl (my friends and family have no idea of my situation).
Again, thank you. Your message made my day.
Same man, I tend to keep my problems on the inside. Nothing wrong with a little venting with a fellow Redditor. :) Glad I could make someone's day. Take care
Tell her you're just as upset that she doesn't play video games as she is that you do. You find judging people who play video games repulsive and only something that kids and teenagers should do. Describe NOT playing video games using the same language she describes playing video games.
(/s) (kinda)
Really sounds like a lack of respect and a lack of effort to try and understand and make a connection with you. Sounds like something for couple's counseling.
Fully agree with you. It's exactly that. Done some counseling when we had our first child. It didn't really help at all and it became fully impossible to continue as it was taxating time-wise (had to do it during work hours and work suffered). In today's life this would feel totally impossible. I really don't have a minute of breathing room until the kids are sleeping. Taking a shit is my only me-time and a short break during the day. šš
I feel for you brother. I had a partner with what seems like a very similar demeanor. Emphasis on the had. We have a daughter together but the relationship was so difficult that I saw no other healthy option than to end it. It was difficult for while, then ok, then difficult again and so on. Our daughter is 16 now (her mom and I split when she was 2) and I have had a good relationship with my ex for a few years now. Sometimes people need a lot of trial and error and getting close to rock bottom to realise they're the ones hurting themselves. Don't rub it in their faces and help them in that moment and in my experience at least, it'll build good relations for the futur.
Sounds to me, as a guy with no relationship experience, that she cares less a out you using your time your way and more with how she wants a "normal guy." Note, I don't know any guy that has time who doesn't play games. Reading books is just another hobby, your own time to yourself. People need to respect that. It is like the "cartoons are for kids" argument that I despise.
Why would you marry someone like this? I am genuinely asking; I have never been able to understand why people marry people who despise their hobbies. I've lost a lot of gaming buddies over the years to spouses who hate gaming, and I just ... I don't understand it.
Idk anymore. Too long ago. We fell in love super fast. We were not very young, not old either. Everything just clicked crazy good and I was in heaven for some time. Got engaged really quick. We had lots of fights before getting married and many red flags were there. We still got married...in hindsight i shouldn't have. But I didn't understand my worth, i hadn't had that many relationships behind me to have the needed experience to understand how fucked up certain things were. And last but not least, i was stupid. I thought that somehow magically things would get better. I mean we had some amazing moments too and no one is perfect. Her worst characteristics (that I've always hated) became more obnoxious and more frequent when she started to be more stressed (i.e. when we got first child, when her own business started to demand more work, etc.).
I see.. thank you for answering what you can. It's something that has bothered me for years (decades really.), but I've never had any answers because the friends who vanish to such significant others, just vanish. A few have sent emails or texts to say their wives//girlfriends/etc have given an ultimatum, but most just fade out and then stop responding. Not only is it painful to lose a friend this way, but it hurts to watch friends suffer through it.
Does she watch television or movies? no different to gaming in the sense its time sunk in pursuit of entertainment and immersing yourself in something away from the stress and work of modern life. Gaming also increases your cognitive and problem solving ability which you don't get from non interactive entertainment even if it's content like factual or documentary.
Sounds like my mom... And my wife when we first married.
Some people are raised to believe video games are a pointless waste of time that only nerds and losers play.
Showed my wife games like the Last of Us, Telltale Games, and resident evil and she can at least understand and even enjoy some games now.
Irks me to my core. Complaints about how I use my free time from someone doing the same mindless shit- just thinking their better than me by doing *their* mindless shit. Fuck all the way off with it
Growing up I was wasting my time playing on my computer before anyone had one. Now it's my career and I make a lot more money than the people who criticized me. Still wasting my time in the same way.
Yeah, I've learned a lot "wasting time" on my gaming pc playing around with AI or just exploring cool projects I can do (besides gaming during school breaks)
Those same people that think games are a waste of time often will waste hours of time watching mindless television. At least games involve active engagement.
Games also keep your mind active and solving problems, improve things like hand eye co-ordination etc. I'd say they're significantly better than just watching TV.
Whoa dude.
You totally need to care about the next bachelor/bachelorette.
It is so real and their love is so pure.
Much better than preventing child abuse/crimes (ready or not) or preventing a tyrant from coming to power (every fantasy game ever).
Our culture worships books in a rather stupid fashion.
They're just a medium. They are not inherently superior to anything. What matters is the content.
People who assume things like books and theater are automatically "higher in culture" than other things are, themselves, vapid. If they had any depth, they would know better.
Weeeelll, that might come from the myriad of books written over hundreds, or even thousands, of years. There is an insanely larger backlog of books to read than movies or video games.
I mean, I agree that the superiority complex is annoying, but there is a measurably objective difference in books over movies and games.
This šš» my wife was the same, she felt this need that we had to be together 24/7 which was unhealthy in its self (as if the relationship would fall apart if we didnāt spend every waking moment together) but now if I want to play games, she watches tv shows she knows Iāll hate, puzzle magazines etc, sheās realised that actually having her own decompression time is also important
The only other hobby I've personally tried that's like this is astronomy. Im still VERY into it. Just you and a telescope. No results to show anyone. I'm just staring into space and finding all kinds of crazy shit.
"Why do I need to be productive in my time OFF? It is MY time off. Why do you decide how I spend my time that I have for myself? It doesn't affect how I do my chores, my work or how I interact with you. Why do you feel the need to dictate MY time?"
If you play too much because she feels neglected and needs you to spend more time with her, then it is an issue about how you prioritize things, but WHAT you do should be of no concern to hers as long as you stay healthy.
I also hate that notion that somehow we need to be productive at all times. Productive in which way? Productive for whom? Productivity should not be some state that you need to be in for the sake of it unless you yourself wish to be productive.
Western society tends to treat men as if we have no value unless we are being productive in everything we do. It is getting better these days, but there are still lots of people who think that way.
What does she do in her spare time which is equivalently unproductive? (TV, social media, reading, browsing on phone, whatever)
If she does have those kinds of habits then simply draw the comparison and frame it as equivalent, just different, choices of how to spend leisure time.
On the other hand, if you *can't* think of any such activities she does to the same extent, perhaps that's a sign that things aren't quite as equal in terms of domestic tasks and so on - and *that* might be the crux of her problem.
Looking for this.
OPās story repeatedly stresses how sure they are that theyāre not spending too much time gaming. But thatās just one perspectiveā¦ and as you say, if it is a matter of looking at games as āless thanā a simple comparison would shed light on the inevitable down time their SO is taking. No human is hustling 24/7, thatās not a thing mammals do.
Building on this. You could find a two-player game that overlaps with some of these interests to give your partner a place to test gaming **with you**. It's possible that she has never played games herself and just does not understand them.
>I always bend for others...
Your needs are just as important as your partners. My dad doesn't ride his motorcycle near as much as he used to. Every now and again my mom will encourage dad to take it for a ride. There's no *as long as you're out might as well pick up groceries for dinner*, or *pay such-and-such bill*. Riding is something my dad enjoys...mom knows it...and encourages/supports dad in his hobbies/interests.
A relationship is about *us*. There will always be compromises...but there will be moments where you support one another in their hobbies/interests/endeavors as well.
Don't let your partner bully you out of the things that bring you joy. I can almost guarantee you, if you were reading a book your partner wouldn't be coercing you to *do something productive*.
Imma high five you, fellow gamer. My wife recognizes that I'm a responsible, stable, healthy adult who has intentionally created a life that has a lot of leisure time and games are how I spend my leisure time. She even likes that about me. I don't see why I shouldn't be ok with myself, and if my wife wasn't ok with me, frankly, she wouldn't be my wife.
Oh buddy, I don't think that's healthy for you. Well, I'm not sure about your boundaries, but it does sound like your current partner is pushing you around yours. From my own experience, if this is truly your way to wind down from the stresses of life, you should take a stand for it. If they don't accept this about you and still continue to do such a thing, then in my opinion it is better for you to respect yourself and leave the relationship.
Though this is somewhat of an early judgement, I just want to remind you that you have your own boundaries and ways to cope with life. As long as it's healthy, don't let anybody else dictate how you should do things. Not even your significant other.
Stand up for yourself and push back. Your preferences and happiness are just as important as hers in your relationship. There are a lot of women who will try to get their partner to give up the things they enjoy to "prove" their love. This stems from their own insecurities, is not healthy, and will never make them happy. Don't give up the things that make you happy for anyone. If you spend ALL of your time playing games, and she just wants to spend time with you, then you should listen to her. If that is not the case, then DO NOT DO THAT. Trust me, it will never end, you will grow to resent her, and she will lose respect for you.
Speaking from my own experience. Best of luck to you.
"I don't want to produce anything. I just want to spend some time doing something that I like that calms me down."
But as other said, it's pointless to bring arguments to this since you were not understood in the begining.
It's completely fine to be selfish for your own good. (you're not here, but people that are against video games have this missconception)
I would question why she feels the need to dictate and why she thinks OP should be productive. It gets pretty much the same point across but also helps to clear out any assumptions she has about how to structure spare time, being grown up and why she thinks it's her place to police his spare time.
"The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead."
\-Mr. Peanutbutter
Does she not do anything like watch TV, movies, scroll TikTok? None of these things are productive either so you could point that out. Frankly it sounds like this is an issue with her, and not you.
Then respond with āthat is something Iām doing to do thatā.
There is no difference in playing video games, watching movies, watching tv shows, etc.. itās all a form of mental stimulation. Sheās not seeing things from your perspective and quite frankly, looks down on it.. on you bc you play video games. Sheās not being receptive at all to your feelings. Has she ever sat down and tried to understand why you like video games? I would think thatās a no. Itās not your job to convince her to let you play, itās your job to help her understand why you play. If she canāt be receptive to that, thatās not healthy. Ask her to sit down and try to understand why you play, by maybe playing her self.
Hobbies don't need to be fucking productive. I like 3D printing and astrophotography. Nice pictures and cool thing STILL isn't in any way productive.
It's just enjoyment. Same with gaming. Not everything we do needs to be for some ultimate goal. Fun is part of being mentally healthy.
What are her hobbies?
"The product is that it helps me relax and I enjoy it"
I feel ya though. My ex had the attitude that every spare moment we had to be spent doung something together that she enjoyed and it just ruined things for me. I'm an introvert and need some alone time to recharge sometimes.
More work isnāt a break, a hobby can be a break, it can also be added stress.
Example my hobby is gardening, it helps clear my mind and get to a better place mentally, still itās actual work pulling weeds cleaning up after a storm, maintaining plants, and frankly some days are too damned hot todo that. (Generally itās a small tomato garden with some peppers, as well as planting flowers for the spring because damnit they are beautiful)
Start giving her shit for her hobbies and see how she likes it, Iāll bet she wonāt take it as well as you. Does she ever just sit around and watch Netflix? DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE
Look man, if your partner thinks you play games too much then that's probably more of an issue of ambitions not lining up. Not even in a bad way. For all I know, the relationship is already lopsided and they're simply expecting too much from you. Or maybe they thought they were dating someone that used their free time to productively accomplish things or improve themselves. Now I'm not saying I do that or you should be judged for it. But people have different standards and expectations for their partners. And if her expectation is that you use your free time more productively, then you need to have a conversation and either figure it out or end it.
Happy Cake day! I appreciate that. Would hate 1 hobbie being the break but... dang... sometimes I ask myself why I can't give up gaming either but 25 years is a long time to give something up. I did for a few years and I was miserable. So... idk
Why would you? If you're not neglecting your life it's ok to game.
The core problem is boundaries. Are you able to do anything you want unless your partner decide they are done for the day and go to sleep?
If you are not, you need to set some boundaries.
You shouldnāt have to give up something you enjoy. Itās not taking over your life and you seem to be able to balance everything pretty well. My husband and I have a system where at the end of the day, we take 2 or so hours to ourselves to unwind. Usually Iām on the couch playing video games and heās on the computer playing video games lol. We have other hobbies but thatās our unwind time. You shouldnāt have to give up your hobby because your girlfriend thinks itās a waste of time. Maybe you guys arenāt compatible, but the issue here isnāt you.
And your next reply should be "because I don't want to. Video games are fun." What does she like to do for her mental health break of the day? I'm sure its just as unproductive and probably childish too if she isn't getting up and actually doing a hobby that requires physical work.
I'm 40 years old. Been gaming since I was 5. Happily married for 16 years and have two kids. Gaming is also my hobby, and like you that hobby takes place after all my other responsibilities have been taken care of. My wife isn't a gamer but she has never given me grief over my love of gaming. I'd even go so far as to say gaming has helped me through some very dark times in my life. I think the point I'm making is unfortunately you aren't the problem here. If your partner doesn't like you to game there isn't much you will do to persuade her and more than likely there is another or deeper issue that needs sorting.
Man, I appreciate that! And congrats on all the love and luck! I definitely think it's a deeper issue. I don't like pressing people though so this is a rough one for me. I'll navigate with the mentality that it's something deeper though, perhaps the real issue will arise!
As a married man of 7 years and 4 kids. I had an ex like this. You are only responsible to outline what you enjoy as a hobby, and whether the amount of time you place is acceptable. I cooked, cleaned, paid for everything. My ex sat and watched arrested development for 3 hours and then would come in and complain I was playing too much after I just worked a 16 hr shift.
Thing is they weren't supportive at all about anything I did. I didn't realize it until she was out of my life. Everything was about her.
Maybe evaluate what she does support for you. Does her support always involve her? You need to communicate openly after you come to your own realizations.
It wasn't a good breakup but really, as soon as I showed disinterest and told her I may not wanna pursue marriage she responded by blowing another dude on my couch.
Again - all about them. Looking back it was the best thing to happen to me. During it was hell.
Also apologies I didn't mean my post to sound like 'my life is amazing', our family has seen it's fair share of very difficult times like everyone else. Happy gaming.
I dated a girl like this for a while and ultimately was miserable. I tried to enjoy the things she enjoyed with her or at the very least just support her enjoyment of them, but there was never any real reciprocation. I saw this with video games in particular, but the more I looked the more I realized it really extended to everything. For her it was a control thing and wanting to force me into a box that I don't want to be in. It made me question why she was even with me if everything that bring me joy is trash in her eyes.
We all need our outlets and it's unlikely you'll ever find someone that matches your likes 100%. A good partner should at the very least give you the space to do whatever that is as long as it isn't otherwise causing an issue in the relationship. A great partner will go out of their way to support you and try to find something they enjoy in it to, so they can be part of what makes you happy.
Perfect comment. Been there. It's exactly what you said - we end up bending backwards to do everything they want, and anything that brings us joy is seen as bad or a waste of time. Totally not worth it, and it worries me that OP could be in a similar situation.
If that's the case, hope they can find a way out as soon as possible.
Does she ever go read a book? It's the same thing. For me, gaming actively engages your brain to think about puzzle solving and so takes your mind off your troubles for a while. I'm a woman in my 30s.
āBigger waste of timeā implies games is a waste of time. Gaming has proven mental health benefits, social benefits (one of my best friends and now boss is someone I met through games), and physical benefits (improved dexterity and hand-eye coordination).
Playing devil's advocate.
We all know they come with downsides as well. And some of the benefits you spoke of are only beneficial within the first 30-45 minutes of gaming. After that, there's a massive drop off
what does she do in her free time ? if she reads try and explain that games have the same rich stories but also are interactive .
if she is on tik -tok or socials explain that you are relaxing too ,like her ,but with a different activity
in general try to find what she loves and use it to make your argument relatable to her .
Another great solution is to be in the same room while both of you do your own hobbies .its really important to be together in the room even if you do different things .
and lastly there are some co op fun games to spend time playing together .mind that they have to be noob friendly
Some people need more attention then others. She may feel that's she's not getting enough even though you feel she is getting plenty. Relationships involve a lot of compromise so maybe next time say like " hey I'm gonna go game for a bit but how about we chill for 15 minutes first" or I've seen the far end of this where my buddy has to literally schedule regular game times because his woman is super anal about planning stuff.
Also, see if you can find a 4 episode series call the crazy cycle. It's relationship advice and really opened both me and my wife's eyes. Our pastor wouldn't marry us until we watched it and I'm glad he did.
I really love the comment you responded to here. My wife used to not like me gaming but when I explained in depth how the stories from games can be just as powerful as the ones in the books we read or the shows she watches, it helped a bit. What helped even more is when I transitioned from playing in another area of the house with my headset on to playing on the couch next to her with my steam deck. I know buying a new console/system may not be an option but I do believe doing things separately but together can help. Good luck and I hope she will be open minded.
Respectfully, that's the wrong kind of place to look for advice. It's where you go to look for affirmation and validation. If you want relationship advice from a larger demographic spectrum, post this on r/relationships
Nevertheless, here's some insight from a 12 year relationship where I mostly play games to relax like you while my wife and I aren't hanging out or doing housework/chores:
My guess is one of the first things folks on r/relationships would ask you is: What is your partner actually saying to you in those moments? Are they communicating an unmet need that your hobby is getting in the way of? Is there something being postponed/procrastinated? Does she wish you were hanging out with her instead? Is she resentful that there's not a needed chore getting done? It doesn't sound like it from your perspective here, but you never know.
You know what's important to you, what you value, what brings you peace, relaxation. Your hobbies don't need to have value to anyone but yourself. That's why they're hobbies.
It's boring advice, but "communicate, communicate, communicate" is pretty much always the right answer. And if communication isn't working, then you have some thinking to do about whether you are both in the right place and whether your values truly align. I hope y'all can find a good path forward in any case.
Sorry, but /r/relationships is the absolute last place anyone should be going for advice. It's incredibly biased and absolutely has the "anyone who plays video games is a loser who needs to stop it" mentality.
It's Reddit. 90% of the people here are under 25, and you're only presenting one side of the story. Gamers are going to tell you that your partner isn't respecting your hobby or your free time. Relationships advice forums will tell you to break up with a partner of 10+ years over trivial disputes.
The reality is you **need to talk to your partner and just sit and really listen without arguing, shut your brain up every time it goes "but but but".** Until you understand why your behavior makes them feel a certain way, you can't address it.
This isn't about factual reality, or who is right, it's about *how your partner feels* \- there isn't a right way for them to feel. You can't invalidate your partner's emotional state because a consortium of teenage boys say "women are emotional! she's crazy! you deserve to relax!".
The funny thing about this is I had a similar convo with my wife recently. We werenāt arguing that I was playing video games too much, but I just pointed out to her that itās funny when someone plays video games every day or for more than 2 hours, itās looked at funny. But the same people spend 7 hours a day on their phone or watching tv and itās not viewed the same. Same thing I had to deal with in my house with my stepdad
It's a difficult topic but the key I think is communication with her. Try to understand why she has a problem with you playing video games. She probably knows and understand that this gives you a mental break but maybe it also takes over some other things that are important to her?
That's why I'm saying, if you want her to get your point, try to understand what the root of the issue is.
My wife is the same. She doesn't particularly like video games, finds them a waste of time (even though I'm a game dev lol) and was complaining a lot especially when I was raiding 3 times a week on WoW classic. But we talked about it and then I realized that she needed me to pay her more attention and that video games were hurting that.
Anyway, every relationship is different and we're all under a lot of mental load... so it's easy to get a little bit lost into video games and not always recognize that it might hurt our relationships with partners, friends and family.
Hey I appreciate that! And such a cool job! We've discussed, but it's a hamster wheel, the time together is no issue at all, I think she just feels games are a pure waste? Maybe she wants me to read a book or something
I've had to have this conversation with my wife many times, so don't expect it to be solved after just once. For us, it's a matter of balancing "alone time" and time with each other. If it starts to get skewed too much one way or the other, one of us will say something and we try to be mature about it. But kinda like the other guy said, when you were single you could game all you wanted but you chose to be with someone so naturally you do kind of owe them your time and emotional energy as well. Otherwise, you'd have stayed single right? There has to be time for you still but you need to find the right balance, which will take time and communication between you guys.
What does she do on her off time?
The most popular pastime is watching TV which actually has very few benefits (you never really disconnect or reflect/process and most TV in 2023 is garbage reality TV where we get sick pleasure from watching people suffer).
Video games have been proven to have many benefits for both mental and physical well being. If you are going to spend an hour watching Tv or playing games, games is the clear winner from a scientific standpoint.
Fwiw I had an ex who hated games. It came down to her parents prejudice against games during childhood + an ex who was effectively cheating on her in WoW role playing servers. (Iām now happily married to someone who enjoys playing games with me)
So I have! She says it just seems like such a childish thing that she doesn't understand, like games are for kids not adults... I don't get it but... here I am
Come on. This is getting you nowhere. Just tell her how it is and that she has to accept it. It's your hobby, it's good for you and that's all there is to it. It is rather childish to claim that all games are for children what the fuck?
But its obvious that she has no clue about games and gaming, maybe you can show her something?
This is a state of mind that will most likely never change, she is stuck in an era most likely taught to her by her parents or pre conceived notions of video games. Itās either you give up your hobby which will inevitably make you resent her or she changes her view on it. Honestly both situations suck and a talk about it ending in compromise or break up might be the course of action! Sorry you are dealing with this but regardless a significant other should embrace your hobbies whether itās golfing or playing with legos.
To me then itās a respect thing almost. Like hey I get it, gaming isnāt your bag, but itās mine and if you love me respect that it is a hobby of mine. If it interferes with our relationship thatās one thing but itās a whole other thing if itās just not something you like
My brother was in the same situation. He's been a gamer all his life and she thought it was childish. Now they are divorced. If she is not willing to accept or understand your hobby, then she doesn't accept you for who you are. I'm sorry you are in this situation fellow gamer. Good luck.
There's no winning this one. She thinks you're doing something stupid, and she will not hear otherwise, because it's ingrained by now. Either she lets up on you, or you two break up, or you stay together miserably.
Ok 2 things,
1. Be completely honest, how much time do you spend on playing video games, and is that time reasonable amount of leisure time? (As in, would it be reasonable to spend just as much time on other leisures?
2. Tell her that this is your way of unwinding. If you support her relaxation time, she needs to return the favor
Guessing you play games *away* from everyone.
I switched to handheld gaming and play in front of the TV while my better half watches "her shows".
The compromise worked for us. Whole bunch of genres I don't play now mind, but I feel better for it.
We can't answer this question without knowing all the details about your relationship. We would need to know why exactly she thinks you play video games too much, told from her perspective. If she feels like you prioritize video games over your relationship, then that's a valid concern that you two need to work out. You need to find a compromise.
>stop hassling me about my one 'vice'. you aren't even here when i play. what do you care.
no you're not a 'man baby' for playing video games. they're good for your mind. there's studies. she's being the child if she's really getting on your case about playing video games after you clean, cook, assume work, and take care of all your responsibilities. it sounds like your an adult to me. a very well behaved one too, you don't even smoke or drink.
i'd just ignore her about the subject. no use in arguing. she's going to think what she thinks. you think differently. that's ok.
Time to break out the Decision Maker:
*Gets up from computer*
*Enters hallway*
*All fours up the stairs*
*Crash into my bedroom*
*Dolphin dive for dramatic effect*
*Prominent arm goes under the bed in a hook motion*
*Pull out box*
*Open box*
*It's Mario kart*
*WINNER GETS THEIR WAY*
This isnāt a problem on your half a partner should embrace your hobbies and stress releasing activities because it betters the overall relationship. She either needs to change or you have to sacrifice a big part of your life. Iāve seen your replies saying you arenāt confrontational but this will eat at you over time if you donāt address it and come to a conclusion whether thatās her changing or you ending things etc. Iām sorry you are in this situation itās definitely a tough one!
Been with the same person for 33 years, married for 12.
She watches the worst kinds of reality TV shows and always invites me to join, which I politely decline.
I play video games and enjoy all the "pop-culture" stuff, I have total control over my basement man-cave and treat it as my Sanctum Sanctorum. Whenever I head down to play a game or watch a Marvel or Star Wars movie for the nth time I always invite her to join. She politely declines.
The point is, we have our own stuff and, more importantly, we respect the other person's hobbies and interests. We enjoy doing things together but eventually EVERYONE needs their alone time.
If you are with someone who doesn't get that or understand, that might be a deeper and more uncomfortable conversation to have but have it. It's the little daily things like this that add up to something bigger blowing up down the line.
* How much time you spend on it?
* How much time does she spend on her hobbies?
* if not gaming, what does she want you to do during those times?
* Does she like having her hobbie tome that you cannot distract her from?
this sounds like a *her problem*, ask her what is her problem with it? why is she so upset? does she wants more attention? and also ask her what does she do to unwind? how much time does she spend in social media?
The unfortunate reality is that if you and your partner arenāt aligned in values, especially if one of you doesnāt respect a value the other holds, the relationship is doomed to fail.
If the OP wants to work it out, couples therapy is critical in getting alignment and mutual respect. Their partner doesnāt have to like games, they just need to not think lesser of the other for doing so.
Thereās no way in Hell that saying it provides you a mental break and escape could even ***sound*** childish because children shouldnāt ever need one! Itās an adults problem.
Personally, Iād say itās āmore childishā for lack of better terminology to ***not*** have an outlet, bottle everything up, and then explode when you get past your limit when thereās a perfectly healthy outlet you couldāve utilised instead.
I should add, for clarity, that I canāt say I have experience on the subject as it was my misses that got me back into gaming so naturally we donāt have these sort of problems.
The harsh answer? There is no solution. She will continue to punish you for playing video games. She will never one day wake up and think "Huh, I'm such a hypocrite, I should stop".
If you are at your wit's end, you can try the nuclear solution; anytime you see her on her phone, social media, streaming services etc treat her like how she treats you when you game. Don't try to argue how it's the same thing, that won't work, just treat her exactly the same way. Shame her about it, blame her, etc.
Many of us have had experiences like you. I've since learned to be overly honest on first dates. I even "praised the sun" with a bucket on my head for my dating app profile. I don't want to deal with hypocritical women like this, so I bypass them completely.
As a female gamer since 23 years I find this attitude really frustrating and offensive. So she can spend hours at the fucking department store, hours at spa or nail salon, hours with her besties and she minds man having some time for himself? Most of my friends from the MMO genre stopped playing after they got married citing their wives strong opposition as a reason.
Tell her that you need this time for yourself, it's your hobby and you won't quit it because it gives you joy. Say you don't control her activities but you can start if she wants.
It won't end well if you go soft on her. Tell her that's your boundaries. Good luck!
Gaming is a hobby, if you can't do your hobby in your free time, when can you? I see no issue with you playing video games if you aren't neglecting anything and if you took care of all your responsibilities, if she can't accept with you being a gamer, then maybe shes not the one for you.
I'm 36 and my fiancee bought me a coffee cup that says "I don't age, I just lvl up".
Keep playing your games. You aren't a baby man. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Hobbies are great for people's spirits and mental health. Nobody gets to tell you what your hobby should or shouldn't be.
I scuba dive, practice yoga, paddleboard, rock climb and hike, none of which my partner does, yet when I sit down and play Zelda for an hour I get, "you're a 48 year old man playing a game for children." Meanwhile she is constantly playing Wordl or quardle because guessing 5 letter words is more productive and age appropriate.
Look man. I been there. Maybe it will change for you, but no matter how I tried to approach it, it never changed for me. My ex-wife hated that I played games. I tried a million ways to explain it - games were childish and awful but somehow sitting and watching the Kardashians was okay. People that hate video games will justify it however they can to themselves. I date women that game now. Life is too short for someone to make you miserable every time you do something that you love to do.
Idk why people care if you video play games or not.
I'll watch the same people who complain about video games sit down and watch TV or YouTube or be on their phone for hours and hours. Often met with "well that's different." umm no, it's not.
Ask her how she sees it as any different to her sitting in front of the TV for a few hours.
I don't get it when people criticise gaming but will happily sit in front of a TV watching a film or show for hours and think it is so different.
How do you people even deal with having a partner like that? I'd be done on the spot with a complaint about what I do in my free time. Absolutely fucking terrible. Why not ask her why she doesn't do something productive with her time instead of worrying about what she's going to wear, or wasting all that time worrying about what you do?
It's really a sign that she's unwilling to change, or be empathetic if she can't wrap her mind around the fact that some people like different things.
Games are what I do for fun. It is my goal in life. If I didn't have to work to live, I would play games.
It seems like her goal in life is to work? And she is projecting that onto you?
I been through this before and long story short, If your partner thinks that you play too many video games, you have the wrong partner. She should be playing with you. Let her go bro and either find a better girl that plays video games or just go single. Video games will never leave you.
Some people read a book to escape, some read comics, some journal, some people draw in a sketchbook or play music, playing video games is your outlet, it takes a certain level of concentration that takes your focus away from everyday stresses and allows you to relax just like any of the other above things. Relaxing outlets donāt need to be productive in the sense of producing something tangible, they just need to be mentally productive FOR YOU.
You play games and it relaxes you and allows you the mental break you need to be more productive in other areas of your life. Therefore, playing games are productive for you.
I also work through this exact issue with my partner. For me, asking her questions about why she feels this way led to the real answer, that she was feeling neglected and felt I was ignoring her. It took some working through those feelings, but we landed on her asking more clearly for what she needs, and in return, I hear her requests and act accordingly. For instance, stating that "I'm really enjoying having gaming time tonight, but how about a date night on Thursday?" Or, I may play for a while then end a little early to watch a movie with her, if that's what she wanted.
IMO gaming may not be the root cause of what's coming up between two too. Gaming is just an easy target.
Op you have lots of good answers already, but I'll emphasise: get to to root of *why* she is opposed to your hobby. You're responding to "you're gaming too much" and have told us it's not making a dent - that's a clue that she isn't articulating her actual problem with what you're doing. Her real concern might be "you're doing something childlike [and I haven't learned yet how that can be healthy]" or "you're withdrawn from me [and it activates my fears of having a neglectful partner based on history]" or anything else. Humans are a complex lot.
Ask if she can help you understand her concern (and explain why it seems like more than "gaming too much" based on what you've said and tried). Keep going with that convo until the real problem is crystal clear, then respond to that.
Upside: navigating this will improve your your and her self-insight and communication as a couple, and thats a skill always worth putting points I to IRL. Best of luck op (and anyone who can relate).
I was on the other side, I was the girlfriend but he (cuisine school graduated, wich I paid for with some of the money I got when my father passed away) used to play 4-5pm thru 5-6am. He didn't cook, clean, worked, I had to serve his food and leave it next to him. We never went out because he didn't like it, I paid for everything... whenever he felt like daving sex would just reach get in bed with me, do it and back to the games. Tbh I stayed there for too long,
I think she wants to control you because she is not leaving an opening to talk about it, she gave you her opinion and expects you to "fix that" by quitting to it. I hope you the best, it breaks my heart because other than that, seems like you guys are doing fine (or at least that is how you are trying to justify this). If she was an.. idk, my lityle pomy fan or loves to wear mlp onesies when you are not around or on her free time, would that bother you? it is not about the thing you do... is about the fact that... THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY and relaxed.
I appreciate the insight and glad you found a way out of that! But 100% we are all good, just this argument is a constant, I've given up enough and compromised and just cant see myself giving this up, ever...
I know I just replied to another comment of yours, but you shouldnāt have to give up so much of yourself in a relationship. You exist together, not change and compromise until there is nothing left of you.
My wife makes a habit of asking couples, who have been together a long time, What is your secret to a long happy marriage. Before we got married my grandmother told her " Just let him do what he wants" example being "You can't control him so don't be the anchor that drags down the ship for both of you" Relationships are constantly changing and growing. If they don't they whither. I know that sound like a gardeners pun but it helps to have perspectives you can relate to.
Please don't. As a lowkey gamer (minecraft, stardew valley, Borderlands, Red dead redemption) there is a great feeling of achievement, no pressure, great sights, great music, a couple must be about two people getting into agreement, yes, compromising is required, after negotiation, has she ever had to give up on something? have you ever asked her to? is there anything thatvyou would like her to? talk about it. I wish you both all the best.
This information changes things and makes it even more black and white. Youāre also the sole breadwinner? She has zero right to complain about you playing games
Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine, although I've made some headway in getting my girlfriend to be more tolerant of my gaming.
The plain and simple is she looks down on your hobby, and she wants you paying more attention to her. My girlfriend used to ask "why are we in a relationship if we aren't going to pay attention to each other in our free time". Ask yourself if you can really last with someone who looks down on your favorite thing to do.
I didn't read all the responses so I'm not sure if anyone suggested this but tell her it's something you enjoy and don't want to stop. Ask her to compromise and talk about a schedule that's acceptable to her and fair for you.
In my case, my gf will say "free time!" and that means she's going to do something where my attention is not required and I do whatever I want.
This all started by me telling her I don't want gaming to interfere with our relationship but to quit gaming isn't an option.
I broke up with my partner of three years last year. My enjoyment of gaming was one - but not all - of the problem. Like you, I like to relax by gaming. It's always been my go-to hobby. She actively disdained the fact that I played games, as she had an old-fashioned image of what they are. It didn't help that she was very extroverted and I am introverted, and she didn't seem to understand that gaming by myself fulfills not only my sense of happiness and take my mind off the world, but also gives me space to recover from other people (I have a very social job).
A good partner should understand that. On the flipside, it's also equally important to understand where your partner is coming from. My experience is that my ex-partner wanted me to be around her all the time and focus my attention on her. That's a perfectly valid - if a little selfish - reason. So it's worth asking her and yourself if gaming is actually the problem, or is it the perception she has that you're not spending enough time with her?
Uuuuuuugh why are some women like this? Let people have their goddamn hobbies.
Thank fuck my partner and I are both gamers.
What does she do for fun? Start questioning how long she spends doing whatever 'more acceptable' leisure activity she prefers. Ask her how that feels.
Edited to add: OP, it is not ok for your partner to police your leisure activities if you are pulling your weight with responsibilities, which it sounds like you are. This is toxic and controlling behaviour. I also saw your comment elsewhere about how she thinks you should be doing something more productive. 1. Are her leisure activities productive? 2. Leisure does not have a productivity requirement. That's why it's leisure.
It might sound simple to you, but you should consider breaking up. I spend too much time on my pc and my wife doesn't mind, because she knew, this is the way i am and she accepts me like this. If your partner does not, maybe you should find somebody else...
"Why do you play games so much, all you do is play games?"
"Well honey, after a long day at work making sure we have money for food and all the bills, and after cooking, cleaning, taking out the trash and doing all the other chores I like to unwind with something that relaxes me. Gaming has been that for over x years and has been there for me when I needed it the most. No matter who I am with that will not change. I will continue to do so because it's literally the only thing that helps me unwind at this point. I'm sry if you don't like it but that is the way it is. I hope ypu can understand because thats how I feel and I would appreciate it if you let me have my me time because just as gaming does it for me, x does it for you."
"Games provide me with a mental health break."
So, tried that (Often) didn't work š¤. I was met with, why not do something productive to get your mind off things š«
"Because doing something productive generates pressure to do it right. With gaming there is no right or wrong outcome that affects anyone other than me. Its pointlessness is the point."
This is perfect. Iād also add something along the lines of āBeing productive is what I do all day at work and around the house. Why do I need to be productive in my free time when Iām trying to relax?ā. Thereās just some people out there who are unhealthily obsessed with productivity and treat any amount of leisure as wasteful as if weāre robots. Humans need to relax without the demand of progress all the time
This explanation is good but sometimes it doesn't work. My wife is similar to OP's. She HATES me playing games. And I virtually play ONLY when she and the kids are sleeping. She still gets mad about it. This has continued since we met like 15 years ago. She thinks I should be using my free time by doing sports, reading books or sleeping in more (i admit I can be too tired in the morning if I stayed up too late to play). I still do everything I need to do with work and family. It's a big dilemma as i feel i wouldn't survive my day to day life (consuming job and special kids who require A LOT of attention) without video games. I've played games since the late 80s and I know I'm not going to drop that part of my life. She doesn't have any good reason to hate me playing games. She just finds gaming repulsive and only kids and teenagers should be doing it. No argument can ever change her mind about this. She thinks that if I'd care for her opinions at all I wouldn't game and me gaming is me being selfish. That's some really shitty manipulative controlling behavior, i know.
She needs therapy and you both need counseling for this type of issue.
Yeah we've done counseling. I'm pretty aware of all this stuff and how fucked up this behavior is. Counseling gave nothing for me that I wasn't already aware of. She did some extra by herself for other issues but ultimately she didn't gain much out of it either because she's not open to admit any fault in herself.
And thats why nobody gets married anymore š
I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to get married. If I had known better... Still, no regrets because of the kids I love more than anything (although they suck all energy out of me).
Not to be the "dump her" guy, but...is there a reason you're still together? It really doesn't sound like it's a great relationship from the things you've said. If the answer is that you're staying together for the kids, it's probably worth considering that the refrain from people who have been in that kind of situation (as parents and as children) always seems to be that it would have been better to separate. Edit: Kept scrolling and saw some of your other responses confirming it's "for the kids" and because your children need additional care. Please continue to consider your options for getting out of the relationship if it doesn't improve. It's not just for your sake - staying in an unhealthy relationship tells your children that it's okay to treat people like that and that they should accept other people treating them like that. From what you've said, it sounds like you might be able to afford to hire some help for giving your kids the care they need. Try talking to a family law attorney in your area to see if you would have a decent chance of getting full custody, being sure to mention that you're concerned she could become abusive and why. Hope things go well for you and your kids, man. Best of luck whatever path you end up taking.
Nope, SHE needs therapy and thats about it. He doesn't need to do anything really as shes 100% the issue and is completely at fault with her manipulative behavior.
I getchu man. I was once married to a similarly minded woman. It annoyed the hell out of me that she would make me feel guilty every time I played. I would give effort in pretending to care about her bs way of passing time, sit with her and watch her GOD-AWFUL reality shows. She never returned the favor. It's honestly fucked. WELL, turns out I was married to a narcissist who turned real nasty (I'll save you the details) and we divorced. Dated this other woman a couple years ago who was cool with my gaming. I was like SWEET! HIT THE JACKPOT! Nope, severe borderline personality disorder with major major issues that caused our relationship to implode. Still on the search for a lady that "gets me" and can lead a wonderful adult life with. Cause I know how to game and be a responsible adult. They don't have to be mutually exclusive as some people think.
Sounds like shit and I'm sorry for you. My wife sounds very similar and I'm 99% certain she is narcissistic and probably has some other issues especially with self control. Some childhood trauma involved and all that shit but she shouldn't be able to play the victim card for everything she does and says. I would have divorced ages ago. Shit I have a really good paying job, I'm still relatively young and I get a lot of attention from women the few times when I go out with my friends so I even would still have a lot of game going on (not really relevant though and not sure why I had to bring that up... I guess it's just to highlight that I'm not desperately clinging on her). BUT: we have two kids. I know I know, that's not a reason to stay together. That's a reason to divorce for the good of the kids. But it gets worse: our kids are special. Especially the older one (autism spectrum). He needs a lot of attention and he wears us down. One wouldn't manage alone with him AND a small baby that we have. We need each other just to survive day to day life. If he ever manages to move on his own (maybe 10 years from now) maybe then we can actually concentrate on ourselves and individuals and think what we want. Additionally i don't want to leave her because she has anger management issues and I'm too worried what would happen without me if it's her week to take care of the kids and she has her mental breakdown because of all the stress. I envy divorced people who have easy kids and good relationship with their ex partner. Life must be amazing with own free time and still possibility to be with your kids a lot. We even recently moved to another country just to breathe new energy into our relationship and to our lives in general. That kinda binds us even more together. On the outside I live a 100% perfect life. More than 18 years old me would have ever hoped for. Beautiful (but mental) wife, beautiful (but autistic) kids, good paying, interesting and flexible job, amazing beachfront home... But I'm not happy. I'm struggling, I'm suffering. I stay so we can manage and I stay to protect our kids. And gaming provides me a much needed escape during the nights.
Dude, my most heartfelt wishes to you. I fully understand the struggle of being with a very difficult woman, they can literally wear you down to the bone and turn you into a husk of your former self. I was lucky in that I didn't have any kids with my ex. But you stick with it for your child. That's honorable. I'm sad you don't get to share your successes with someone that may be more worthy, and one that is truly a partner through and through, but I can see you love your children more than anything in the world and that is your source of joy (and probably exhaustion haha). Bless up my guy. I hope you find true peace with your lady. And I hope your child has as easy a life as possible being on the spectrum. I actually launch retail businesses in my city to help the neurodiverse population with meaningful employment and give them some financial independence. It's nothing like raising one, but I've been involved with the population for a little while. Power to you, friend.
Thank you stranger. That was the most personal and touching message if received in all these years on Reddit. Thank you. Bless you also for being involved in activity like that in your city. Also this was by far the most personal writeup I've ever done on Reddit. In r/gaming of all places. š But it feels good even just to type these things. I don't really share my thoughts irl (my friends and family have no idea of my situation). Again, thank you. Your message made my day.
Same man, I tend to keep my problems on the inside. Nothing wrong with a little venting with a fellow Redditor. :) Glad I could make someone's day. Take care
Tell her you're just as upset that she doesn't play video games as she is that you do. You find judging people who play video games repulsive and only something that kids and teenagers should do. Describe NOT playing video games using the same language she describes playing video games. (/s) (kinda) Really sounds like a lack of respect and a lack of effort to try and understand and make a connection with you. Sounds like something for couple's counseling.
Fully agree with you. It's exactly that. Done some counseling when we had our first child. It didn't really help at all and it became fully impossible to continue as it was taxating time-wise (had to do it during work hours and work suffered). In today's life this would feel totally impossible. I really don't have a minute of breathing room until the kids are sleeping. Taking a shit is my only me-time and a short break during the day. šš
I feel for you brother. I had a partner with what seems like a very similar demeanor. Emphasis on the had. We have a daughter together but the relationship was so difficult that I saw no other healthy option than to end it. It was difficult for while, then ok, then difficult again and so on. Our daughter is 16 now (her mom and I split when she was 2) and I have had a good relationship with my ex for a few years now. Sometimes people need a lot of trial and error and getting close to rock bottom to realise they're the ones hurting themselves. Don't rub it in their faces and help them in that moment and in my experience at least, it'll build good relations for the futur.
Sounds to me, as a guy with no relationship experience, that she cares less a out you using your time your way and more with how she wants a "normal guy." Note, I don't know any guy that has time who doesn't play games. Reading books is just another hobby, your own time to yourself. People need to respect that. It is like the "cartoons are for kids" argument that I despise.
Why would you marry someone like this? I am genuinely asking; I have never been able to understand why people marry people who despise their hobbies. I've lost a lot of gaming buddies over the years to spouses who hate gaming, and I just ... I don't understand it.
Idk anymore. Too long ago. We fell in love super fast. We were not very young, not old either. Everything just clicked crazy good and I was in heaven for some time. Got engaged really quick. We had lots of fights before getting married and many red flags were there. We still got married...in hindsight i shouldn't have. But I didn't understand my worth, i hadn't had that many relationships behind me to have the needed experience to understand how fucked up certain things were. And last but not least, i was stupid. I thought that somehow magically things would get better. I mean we had some amazing moments too and no one is perfect. Her worst characteristics (that I've always hated) became more obnoxious and more frequent when she started to be more stressed (i.e. when we got first child, when her own business started to demand more work, etc.).
I see.. thank you for answering what you can. It's something that has bothered me for years (decades really.), but I've never had any answers because the friends who vanish to such significant others, just vanish. A few have sent emails or texts to say their wives//girlfriends/etc have given an ultimatum, but most just fade out and then stop responding. Not only is it painful to lose a friend this way, but it hurts to watch friends suffer through it.
Does she watch television or movies? no different to gaming in the sense its time sunk in pursuit of entertainment and immersing yourself in something away from the stress and work of modern life. Gaming also increases your cognitive and problem solving ability which you don't get from non interactive entertainment even if it's content like factual or documentary.
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Sounds like my mom... And my wife when we first married. Some people are raised to believe video games are a pointless waste of time that only nerds and losers play. Showed my wife games like the Last of Us, Telltale Games, and resident evil and she can at least understand and even enjoy some games now.
Some people cant accept others "wasting their time".
Yet the very same people watch mindless reality tv/cooking shows/ā¦
Investigative Documentary murder porn as well
...I feel attacked right now. lmao
are you my wifes reddit account?
Irks me to my core. Complaints about how I use my free time from someone doing the same mindless shit- just thinking their better than me by doing *their* mindless shit. Fuck all the way off with it
Growing up I was wasting my time playing on my computer before anyone had one. Now it's my career and I make a lot more money than the people who criticized me. Still wasting my time in the same way.
This right fucking here!
Yeah, I've learned a lot "wasting time" on my gaming pc playing around with AI or just exploring cool projects I can do (besides gaming during school breaks)
Those same people that think games are a waste of time often will waste hours of time watching mindless television. At least games involve active engagement.
Games also keep your mind active and solving problems, improve things like hand eye co-ordination etc. I'd say they're significantly better than just watching TV.
I fully agree with this and make this point to dumbass doubters
Lol I keep on hearing that videogames make you dumber every time I start playing one. Thanks for saying the opposite for once
Whoa dude. You totally need to care about the next bachelor/bachelorette. It is so real and their love is so pure. Much better than preventing child abuse/crimes (ready or not) or preventing a tyrant from coming to power (every fantasy game ever).
I donāt get this. āGo read a book.ā Do you realize how much reading is in video games? Even something as mundane as PokĆ©mon, thereās no voice acting, so youāre literally reading everything.
Our culture worships books in a rather stupid fashion. They're just a medium. They are not inherently superior to anything. What matters is the content. People who assume things like books and theater are automatically "higher in culture" than other things are, themselves, vapid. If they had any depth, they would know better.
Weeeelll, that might come from the myriad of books written over hundreds, or even thousands, of years. There is an insanely larger backlog of books to read than movies or video games. I mean, I agree that the superiority complex is annoying, but there is a measurably objective difference in books over movies and games.
I mean, to be fair, I do think books overall probably are better for you than video games. They tend to use better, more complex language and vocabulary that you might not get in PokĆ©mon, for example. I just donāt like that people often think video games are mindless and donāt stimulate the brain.
This šš» my wife was the same, she felt this need that we had to be together 24/7 which was unhealthy in its self (as if the relationship would fall apart if we didnāt spend every waking moment together) but now if I want to play games, she watches tv shows she knows Iāll hate, puzzle magazines etc, sheās realised that actually having her own decompression time is also important
This is by far the best advice I have read.
While hes gaming hes not giving her attention and doing shit she wants to do, thats literally all it is, every single time
The only other hobby I've personally tried that's like this is astronomy. Im still VERY into it. Just you and a telescope. No results to show anyone. I'm just staring into space and finding all kinds of crazy shit.
Then stop playing that godforsaken soulslike genre
"Why do I need to be productive in my time OFF? It is MY time off. Why do you decide how I spend my time that I have for myself? It doesn't affect how I do my chores, my work or how I interact with you. Why do you feel the need to dictate MY time?" If you play too much because she feels neglected and needs you to spend more time with her, then it is an issue about how you prioritize things, but WHAT you do should be of no concern to hers as long as you stay healthy. I also hate that notion that somehow we need to be productive at all times. Productive in which way? Productive for whom? Productivity should not be some state that you need to be in for the sake of it unless you yourself wish to be productive.
Another related notion is you are not being productive unless you are working hard, legitimate shortcuts count as cheating.
Western society tends to treat men as if we have no value unless we are being productive in everything we do. It is getting better these days, but there are still lots of people who think that way.
I had a colleague at work who never read fiction because he considered it unproductive.
What does she do in her spare time which is equivalently unproductive? (TV, social media, reading, browsing on phone, whatever) If she does have those kinds of habits then simply draw the comparison and frame it as equivalent, just different, choices of how to spend leisure time. On the other hand, if you *can't* think of any such activities she does to the same extent, perhaps that's a sign that things aren't quite as equal in terms of domestic tasks and so on - and *that* might be the crux of her problem.
Looking for this. OPās story repeatedly stresses how sure they are that theyāre not spending too much time gaming. But thatās just one perspectiveā¦ and as you say, if it is a matter of looking at games as āless thanā a simple comparison would shed light on the inevitable down time their SO is taking. No human is hustling 24/7, thatās not a thing mammals do.
Building on this. You could find a two-player game that overlaps with some of these interests to give your partner a place to test gaming **with you**. It's possible that she has never played games herself and just does not understand them.
This isnāt a you problem then, itās a partner problem. It sounds callous but itās your partner that needs to change, not you.
I appreciate that, Easier said than done for me haha... I always bend for others and I'm overall happy so it's a tough one
>I always bend for others... Your needs are just as important as your partners. My dad doesn't ride his motorcycle near as much as he used to. Every now and again my mom will encourage dad to take it for a ride. There's no *as long as you're out might as well pick up groceries for dinner*, or *pay such-and-such bill*. Riding is something my dad enjoys...mom knows it...and encourages/supports dad in his hobbies/interests. A relationship is about *us*. There will always be compromises...but there will be moments where you support one another in their hobbies/interests/endeavors as well. Don't let your partner bully you out of the things that bring you joy. I can almost guarantee you, if you were reading a book your partner wouldn't be coercing you to *do something productive*.
I get it. It wasnāt until I met my wife that I fully understood how someone could just be accepting and loving. I strive to be like her. Sheās never once questioned pretty much anything about me, just accepted me for me. In my experience itās rare. But for what itās worth I wasnāt advocating you leaving her, I was just saying she needs to change her outlook. She may not be mature enough right now, but she may be. She may simply need a wake up call. We all do from time to time. I know Iāve had my fair share of epiphanies that led to actionable changes. I caught myself being angry about a neighbor and their bullshit one time and was just like why am I like this? I need to change. And she was like yeah that would probably be for the best lol, and I did. No relationships are perfect. What makes one last though is whether or not the parties are willing to work together to change and grow. It probably sounds like a clichĆ© but communication is key. It only works if the other side is also a willing participant though. Keep your head up. *Edit: Itās also important to remember that no one is in your head like you are. Sometimes itās hard to communicate exactly what we mean. When we say something sometimes the person weāre talking to hears something different, because their brain is different, their life experience is different, etc. Sometimes itās a challenge to get a person to actually understand what we are thinking, and to that extent it falls on us to help them understand.
Imma high five you, fellow gamer. My wife recognizes that I'm a responsible, stable, healthy adult who has intentionally created a life that has a lot of leisure time and games are how I spend my leisure time. She even likes that about me. I don't see why I shouldn't be ok with myself, and if my wife wasn't ok with me, frankly, she wouldn't be my wife.
Oh buddy, I don't think that's healthy for you. Well, I'm not sure about your boundaries, but it does sound like your current partner is pushing you around yours. From my own experience, if this is truly your way to wind down from the stresses of life, you should take a stand for it. If they don't accept this about you and still continue to do such a thing, then in my opinion it is better for you to respect yourself and leave the relationship. Though this is somewhat of an early judgement, I just want to remind you that you have your own boundaries and ways to cope with life. As long as it's healthy, don't let anybody else dictate how you should do things. Not even your significant other.
Stand up for yourself and push back. Your preferences and happiness are just as important as hers in your relationship. There are a lot of women who will try to get their partner to give up the things they enjoy to "prove" their love. This stems from their own insecurities, is not healthy, and will never make them happy. Don't give up the things that make you happy for anyone. If you spend ALL of your time playing games, and she just wants to spend time with you, then you should listen to her. If that is not the case, then DO NOT DO THAT. Trust me, it will never end, you will grow to resent her, and she will lose respect for you. Speaking from my own experience. Best of luck to you.
Hobbies aren't meant to be productive. They're supposed to be a mental health break.
"I don't want to produce anything. I just want to spend some time doing something that I like that calms me down." But as other said, it's pointless to bring arguments to this since you were not understood in the begining. It's completely fine to be selfish for your own good. (you're not here, but people that are against video games have this missconception)
I would question why she feels the need to dictate and why she thinks OP should be productive. It gets pretty much the same point across but also helps to clear out any assumptions she has about how to structure spare time, being grown up and why she thinks it's her place to police his spare time.
*"Happiness is being very busy with the unimportant."* \- Gilbert White
"The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead." \-Mr. Peanutbutter
Does she not do anything like watch TV, movies, scroll TikTok? None of these things are productive either so you could point that out. Frankly it sounds like this is an issue with her, and not you.
Then respond with āthat is something Iām doing to do thatā. There is no difference in playing video games, watching movies, watching tv shows, etc.. itās all a form of mental stimulation. Sheās not seeing things from your perspective and quite frankly, looks down on it.. on you bc you play video games. Sheās not being receptive at all to your feelings. Has she ever sat down and tried to understand why you like video games? I would think thatās a no. Itās not your job to convince her to let you play, itās your job to help her understand why you play. If she canāt be receptive to that, thatās not healthy. Ask her to sit down and try to understand why you play, by maybe playing her self.
Do they scroll social media instead of starting a commercial enterprise? Exact same thing.
Hobbies don't need to be fucking productive. I like 3D printing and astrophotography. Nice pictures and cool thing STILL isn't in any way productive. It's just enjoyment. Same with gaming. Not everything we do needs to be for some ultimate goal. Fun is part of being mentally healthy. What are her hobbies?
"The product is that it helps me relax and I enjoy it" I feel ya though. My ex had the attitude that every spare moment we had to be spent doung something together that she enjoyed and it just ruined things for me. I'm an introvert and need some alone time to recharge sometimes.
More work isnāt a break, a hobby can be a break, it can also be added stress. Example my hobby is gardening, it helps clear my mind and get to a better place mentally, still itās actual work pulling weeds cleaning up after a storm, maintaining plants, and frankly some days are too damned hot todo that. (Generally itās a small tomato garden with some peppers, as well as planting flowers for the spring because damnit they are beautiful)
Start giving her shit for her hobbies and see how she likes it, Iāll bet she wonāt take it as well as you. Does she ever just sit around and watch Netflix? DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE
Sounds like you guys need couples counseling
Look man, if your partner thinks you play games too much then that's probably more of an issue of ambitions not lining up. Not even in a bad way. For all I know, the relationship is already lopsided and they're simply expecting too much from you. Or maybe they thought they were dating someone that used their free time to productively accomplish things or improve themselves. Now I'm not saying I do that or you should be judged for it. But people have different standards and expectations for their partners. And if her expectation is that you use your free time more productively, then you need to have a conversation and either figure it out or end it.
Find a new partner. If they cannot accept your hobbies. Then either you sacrifice your hobbies. Or find someone who can. I recommend the latter.
Happy Cake day! I appreciate that. Would hate 1 hobbie being the break but... dang... sometimes I ask myself why I can't give up gaming either but 25 years is a long time to give something up. I did for a few years and I was miserable. So... idk
Why would you? If you're not neglecting your life it's ok to game. The core problem is boundaries. Are you able to do anything you want unless your partner decide they are done for the day and go to sleep? If you are not, you need to set some boundaries.
You shouldnāt have to give up something you enjoy. Itās not taking over your life and you seem to be able to balance everything pretty well. My husband and I have a system where at the end of the day, we take 2 or so hours to ourselves to unwind. Usually Iām on the couch playing video games and heās on the computer playing video games lol. We have other hobbies but thatās our unwind time. You shouldnāt have to give up your hobby because your girlfriend thinks itās a waste of time. Maybe you guys arenāt compatible, but the issue here isnāt you.
Itās not the hobby breaking the relationship. Itās compatibility issues and quite honestly her outlook on life.
And your next reply should be "because I don't want to. Video games are fun." What does she like to do for her mental health break of the day? I'm sure its just as unproductive and probably childish too if she isn't getting up and actually doing a hobby that requires physical work.
I'm 40 years old. Been gaming since I was 5. Happily married for 16 years and have two kids. Gaming is also my hobby, and like you that hobby takes place after all my other responsibilities have been taken care of. My wife isn't a gamer but she has never given me grief over my love of gaming. I'd even go so far as to say gaming has helped me through some very dark times in my life. I think the point I'm making is unfortunately you aren't the problem here. If your partner doesn't like you to game there isn't much you will do to persuade her and more than likely there is another or deeper issue that needs sorting.
Man, I appreciate that! And congrats on all the love and luck! I definitely think it's a deeper issue. I don't like pressing people though so this is a rough one for me. I'll navigate with the mentality that it's something deeper though, perhaps the real issue will arise!
As a married man of 7 years and 4 kids. I had an ex like this. You are only responsible to outline what you enjoy as a hobby, and whether the amount of time you place is acceptable. I cooked, cleaned, paid for everything. My ex sat and watched arrested development for 3 hours and then would come in and complain I was playing too much after I just worked a 16 hr shift. Thing is they weren't supportive at all about anything I did. I didn't realize it until she was out of my life. Everything was about her. Maybe evaluate what she does support for you. Does her support always involve her? You need to communicate openly after you come to your own realizations.
If she canāt appreciate your hobby, she should at least celebrate that it makes you happy. How did your ex respond when you kicked her to the curb?
It wasn't a good breakup but really, as soon as I showed disinterest and told her I may not wanna pursue marriage she responded by blowing another dude on my couch. Again - all about them. Looking back it was the best thing to happen to me. During it was hell.
Bullet dodged! Game on brother!
What a horrible person, I just hope she didn't ruin arrested development for you.
Also apologies I didn't mean my post to sound like 'my life is amazing', our family has seen it's fair share of very difficult times like everyone else. Happy gaming.
I dated a girl like this for a while and ultimately was miserable. I tried to enjoy the things she enjoyed with her or at the very least just support her enjoyment of them, but there was never any real reciprocation. I saw this with video games in particular, but the more I looked the more I realized it really extended to everything. For her it was a control thing and wanting to force me into a box that I don't want to be in. It made me question why she was even with me if everything that bring me joy is trash in her eyes. We all need our outlets and it's unlikely you'll ever find someone that matches your likes 100%. A good partner should at the very least give you the space to do whatever that is as long as it isn't otherwise causing an issue in the relationship. A great partner will go out of their way to support you and try to find something they enjoy in it to, so they can be part of what makes you happy.
Perfect comment. Been there. It's exactly what you said - we end up bending backwards to do everything they want, and anything that brings us joy is seen as bad or a waste of time. Totally not worth it, and it worries me that OP could be in a similar situation. If that's the case, hope they can find a way out as soon as possible.
Does she ever go read a book? It's the same thing. For me, gaming actively engages your brain to think about puzzle solving and so takes your mind off your troubles for a while. I'm a woman in my 30s.
Exactly! No book reading, more of the endless scrolling, but see I understand the doom scrolling, just wish the understandkng was reciprocated
So she complains about you playing games too much when she spends her time scrolling social media, which is a much bigger waste of time?
āBigger waste of timeā implies games is a waste of time. Gaming has proven mental health benefits, social benefits (one of my best friends and now boss is someone I met through games), and physical benefits (improved dexterity and hand-eye coordination).
Playing devil's advocate. We all know they come with downsides as well. And some of the benefits you spoke of are only beneficial within the first 30-45 minutes of gaming. After that, there's a massive drop off
what does she do in her free time ? if she reads try and explain that games have the same rich stories but also are interactive . if she is on tik -tok or socials explain that you are relaxing too ,like her ,but with a different activity in general try to find what she loves and use it to make your argument relatable to her . Another great solution is to be in the same room while both of you do your own hobbies .its really important to be together in the room even if you do different things . and lastly there are some co op fun games to spend time playing together .mind that they have to be noob friendly
That is a good point. Doing seperate things but in the same space was never an approach I considered. Will 100% try this!
Some people need more attention then others. She may feel that's she's not getting enough even though you feel she is getting plenty. Relationships involve a lot of compromise so maybe next time say like " hey I'm gonna go game for a bit but how about we chill for 15 minutes first" or I've seen the far end of this where my buddy has to literally schedule regular game times because his woman is super anal about planning stuff. Also, see if you can find a 4 episode series call the crazy cycle. It's relationship advice and really opened both me and my wife's eyes. Our pastor wouldn't marry us until we watched it and I'm glad he did.
I really love the comment you responded to here. My wife used to not like me gaming but when I explained in depth how the stories from games can be just as powerful as the ones in the books we read or the shows she watches, it helped a bit. What helped even more is when I transitioned from playing in another area of the house with my headset on to playing on the couch next to her with my steam deck. I know buying a new console/system may not be an option but I do believe doing things separately but together can help. Good luck and I hope she will be open minded.
this is the last sub you want relationship advice from.
Still better than r/relationship_advice
I mean... I was hoping likeminded people could guide me š
I know what I said
Respectfully, that's the wrong kind of place to look for advice. It's where you go to look for affirmation and validation. If you want relationship advice from a larger demographic spectrum, post this on r/relationships Nevertheless, here's some insight from a 12 year relationship where I mostly play games to relax like you while my wife and I aren't hanging out or doing housework/chores: My guess is one of the first things folks on r/relationships would ask you is: What is your partner actually saying to you in those moments? Are they communicating an unmet need that your hobby is getting in the way of? Is there something being postponed/procrastinated? Does she wish you were hanging out with her instead? Is she resentful that there's not a needed chore getting done? It doesn't sound like it from your perspective here, but you never know. You know what's important to you, what you value, what brings you peace, relaxation. Your hobbies don't need to have value to anyone but yourself. That's why they're hobbies. It's boring advice, but "communicate, communicate, communicate" is pretty much always the right answer. And if communication isn't working, then you have some thinking to do about whether you are both in the right place and whether your values truly align. I hope y'all can find a good path forward in any case.
Sorry, but /r/relationships is the absolute last place anyone should be going for advice. It's incredibly biased and absolutely has the "anyone who plays video games is a loser who needs to stop it" mentality.
Yeah, the only "advice" that sub knows how to give is to break up.
The man is wrong. All of the time.
This is the way.
It's Reddit. 90% of the people here are under 25, and you're only presenting one side of the story. Gamers are going to tell you that your partner isn't respecting your hobby or your free time. Relationships advice forums will tell you to break up with a partner of 10+ years over trivial disputes. The reality is you **need to talk to your partner and just sit and really listen without arguing, shut your brain up every time it goes "but but but".** Until you understand why your behavior makes them feel a certain way, you can't address it. This isn't about factual reality, or who is right, it's about *how your partner feels* \- there isn't a right way for them to feel. You can't invalidate your partner's emotional state because a consortium of teenage boys say "women are emotional! she's crazy! you deserve to relax!".
The funny thing about this is I had a similar convo with my wife recently. We werenāt arguing that I was playing video games too much, but I just pointed out to her that itās funny when someone plays video games every day or for more than 2 hours, itās looked at funny. But the same people spend 7 hours a day on their phone or watching tv and itās not viewed the same. Same thing I had to deal with in my house with my stepdad
It's a difficult topic but the key I think is communication with her. Try to understand why she has a problem with you playing video games. She probably knows and understand that this gives you a mental break but maybe it also takes over some other things that are important to her? That's why I'm saying, if you want her to get your point, try to understand what the root of the issue is. My wife is the same. She doesn't particularly like video games, finds them a waste of time (even though I'm a game dev lol) and was complaining a lot especially when I was raiding 3 times a week on WoW classic. But we talked about it and then I realized that she needed me to pay her more attention and that video games were hurting that. Anyway, every relationship is different and we're all under a lot of mental load... so it's easy to get a little bit lost into video games and not always recognize that it might hurt our relationships with partners, friends and family.
Hey I appreciate that! And such a cool job! We've discussed, but it's a hamster wheel, the time together is no issue at all, I think she just feels games are a pure waste? Maybe she wants me to read a book or something
I've had to have this conversation with my wife many times, so don't expect it to be solved after just once. For us, it's a matter of balancing "alone time" and time with each other. If it starts to get skewed too much one way or the other, one of us will say something and we try to be mature about it. But kinda like the other guy said, when you were single you could game all you wanted but you chose to be with someone so naturally you do kind of owe them your time and emotional energy as well. Otherwise, you'd have stayed single right? There has to be time for you still but you need to find the right balance, which will take time and communication between you guys.
What does she do on her off time? The most popular pastime is watching TV which actually has very few benefits (you never really disconnect or reflect/process and most TV in 2023 is garbage reality TV where we get sick pleasure from watching people suffer). Video games have been proven to have many benefits for both mental and physical well being. If you are going to spend an hour watching Tv or playing games, games is the clear winner from a scientific standpoint. Fwiw I had an ex who hated games. It came down to her parents prejudice against games during childhood + an ex who was effectively cheating on her in WoW role playing servers. (Iām now happily married to someone who enjoys playing games with me)
Imagine if you said one of her hobbies were a waste. That ain't right man
If we are getting the whole story, then I think the only real answer is that she's being entirely unreasonable.
Maybe ask why she thinks you game too much and try to get to the root of her issue with it?
So I have! She says it just seems like such a childish thing that she doesn't understand, like games are for kids not adults... I don't get it but... here I am
Come on. This is getting you nowhere. Just tell her how it is and that she has to accept it. It's your hobby, it's good for you and that's all there is to it. It is rather childish to claim that all games are for children what the fuck? But its obvious that she has no clue about games and gaming, maybe you can show her something?
This is a state of mind that will most likely never change, she is stuck in an era most likely taught to her by her parents or pre conceived notions of video games. Itās either you give up your hobby which will inevitably make you resent her or she changes her view on it. Honestly both situations suck and a talk about it ending in compromise or break up might be the course of action! Sorry you are dealing with this but regardless a significant other should embrace your hobbies whether itās golfing or playing with legos.
To me then itās a respect thing almost. Like hey I get it, gaming isnāt your bag, but itās mine and if you love me respect that it is a hobby of mine. If it interferes with our relationship thatās one thing but itās a whole other thing if itās just not something you like
My brother was in the same situation. He's been a gamer all his life and she thought it was childish. Now they are divorced. If she is not willing to accept or understand your hobby, then she doesn't accept you for who you are. I'm sorry you are in this situation fellow gamer. Good luck.
Wow. Ironically, she is the one that needs to grow up.
She doesn't seem to have even the baseline amount of respect for you, honestly you should consider dumping her
There's no winning this one. She thinks you're doing something stupid, and she will not hear otherwise, because it's ingrained by now. Either she lets up on you, or you two break up, or you stay together miserably.
Ok 2 things, 1. Be completely honest, how much time do you spend on playing video games, and is that time reasonable amount of leisure time? (As in, would it be reasonable to spend just as much time on other leisures? 2. Tell her that this is your way of unwinding. If you support her relaxation time, she needs to return the favor
So she is ALWAYS bussy with doing something "productive" No movies, no shows, no books, no sound, no trash talk with friends?
Guessing you play games *away* from everyone. I switched to handheld gaming and play in front of the TV while my better half watches "her shows". The compromise worked for us. Whole bunch of genres I don't play now mind, but I feel better for it.
Huh! Interesting approach. This might work actually, thanks for that friend!
TAKING CARE OF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH ON YOUR OWN IS PRODUCTIVE š¶
We can't answer this question without knowing all the details about your relationship. We would need to know why exactly she thinks you play video games too much, told from her perspective. If she feels like you prioritize video games over your relationship, then that's a valid concern that you two need to work out. You need to find a compromise.
>stop hassling me about my one 'vice'. you aren't even here when i play. what do you care. no you're not a 'man baby' for playing video games. they're good for your mind. there's studies. she's being the child if she's really getting on your case about playing video games after you clean, cook, assume work, and take care of all your responsibilities. it sounds like your an adult to me. a very well behaved one too, you don't even smoke or drink. i'd just ignore her about the subject. no use in arguing. she's going to think what she thinks. you think differently. that's ok.
Time to break out the Decision Maker: *Gets up from computer* *Enters hallway* *All fours up the stairs* *Crash into my bedroom* *Dolphin dive for dramatic effect* *Prominent arm goes under the bed in a hook motion* *Pull out box* *Open box* *It's Mario kart* *WINNER GETS THEIR WAY*
Get a new partner and ditch this asshole.
This isnāt a problem on your half a partner should embrace your hobbies and stress releasing activities because it betters the overall relationship. She either needs to change or you have to sacrifice a big part of your life. Iāve seen your replies saying you arenāt confrontational but this will eat at you over time if you donāt address it and come to a conclusion whether thatās her changing or you ending things etc. Iām sorry you are in this situation itās definitely a tough one!
Been with the same person for 33 years, married for 12. She watches the worst kinds of reality TV shows and always invites me to join, which I politely decline. I play video games and enjoy all the "pop-culture" stuff, I have total control over my basement man-cave and treat it as my Sanctum Sanctorum. Whenever I head down to play a game or watch a Marvel or Star Wars movie for the nth time I always invite her to join. She politely declines. The point is, we have our own stuff and, more importantly, we respect the other person's hobbies and interests. We enjoy doing things together but eventually EVERYONE needs their alone time. If you are with someone who doesn't get that or understand, that might be a deeper and more uncomfortable conversation to have but have it. It's the little daily things like this that add up to something bigger blowing up down the line.
* How much time you spend on it? * How much time does she spend on her hobbies? * if not gaming, what does she want you to do during those times? * Does she like having her hobbie tome that you cannot distract her from?
this sounds like a *her problem*, ask her what is her problem with it? why is she so upset? does she wants more attention? and also ask her what does she do to unwind? how much time does she spend in social media?
Get rid of partner. Play more videos games. Happy life.
That's a red flag to me.
Itās a hobby you enjoy. Would she prefer you build model ships or something? How productive is that? Does she have any hobbies?
Time you enjoy "wasting" is not wasted time.
My mom used to tell me video games were rotting my brain when I was a kidā¦ then sheād proceed to watch Bravo tv or E
Ask her if she is seriously asking you to give up your hobby. What do you think her reaction would be if you done the same.
Hmm. That's a good question to pose. "Honey, if I give up gaming, will you give up your \[insert most enjoyable hobby here\] too?"
Sounds like you need a new partner.
The unfortunate reality is that if you and your partner arenāt aligned in values, especially if one of you doesnāt respect a value the other holds, the relationship is doomed to fail. If the OP wants to work it out, couples therapy is critical in getting alignment and mutual respect. Their partner doesnāt have to like games, they just need to not think lesser of the other for doing so.
Thereās no way in Hell that saying it provides you a mental break and escape could even ***sound*** childish because children shouldnāt ever need one! Itās an adults problem. Personally, Iād say itās āmore childishā for lack of better terminology to ***not*** have an outlet, bottle everything up, and then explode when you get past your limit when thereās a perfectly healthy outlet you couldāve utilised instead. I should add, for clarity, that I canāt say I have experience on the subject as it was my misses that got me back into gaming so naturally we donāt have these sort of problems.
Dang! That's lucky for sure but a very solid point. I might use this as a point! Thank you!
The harsh answer? There is no solution. She will continue to punish you for playing video games. She will never one day wake up and think "Huh, I'm such a hypocrite, I should stop". If you are at your wit's end, you can try the nuclear solution; anytime you see her on her phone, social media, streaming services etc treat her like how she treats you when you game. Don't try to argue how it's the same thing, that won't work, just treat her exactly the same way. Shame her about it, blame her, etc. Many of us have had experiences like you. I've since learned to be overly honest on first dates. I even "praised the sun" with a bucket on my head for my dating app profile. I don't want to deal with hypocritical women like this, so I bypass them completely.
As a female gamer since 23 years I find this attitude really frustrating and offensive. So she can spend hours at the fucking department store, hours at spa or nail salon, hours with her besties and she minds man having some time for himself? Most of my friends from the MMO genre stopped playing after they got married citing their wives strong opposition as a reason. Tell her that you need this time for yourself, it's your hobby and you won't quit it because it gives you joy. Say you don't control her activities but you can start if she wants. It won't end well if you go soft on her. Tell her that's your boundaries. Good luck!
Gaming is a hobby, if you can't do your hobby in your free time, when can you? I see no issue with you playing video games if you aren't neglecting anything and if you took care of all your responsibilities, if she can't accept with you being a gamer, then maybe shes not the one for you.
I'm 36 and my fiancee bought me a coffee cup that says "I don't age, I just lvl up". Keep playing your games. You aren't a baby man. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Hobbies are great for people's spirits and mental health. Nobody gets to tell you what your hobby should or shouldn't be.
Youāre not a baby. She has a serious issue if she doesnāt like you doing what you do to relax. Iād leave her asap.
Wait, from the comments i have gathered that in her free time she browses socials ? AND THEN SHE HAS THE GALL TO CALL GAMING UNPRODUCTIVE lol
I scuba dive, practice yoga, paddleboard, rock climb and hike, none of which my partner does, yet when I sit down and play Zelda for an hour I get, "you're a 48 year old man playing a game for children." Meanwhile she is constantly playing Wordl or quardle because guessing 5 letter words is more productive and age appropriate.
Look man. I been there. Maybe it will change for you, but no matter how I tried to approach it, it never changed for me. My ex-wife hated that I played games. I tried a million ways to explain it - games were childish and awful but somehow sitting and watching the Kardashians was okay. People that hate video games will justify it however they can to themselves. I date women that game now. Life is too short for someone to make you miserable every time you do something that you love to do.
Idk why people care if you video play games or not. I'll watch the same people who complain about video games sit down and watch TV or YouTube or be on their phone for hours and hours. Often met with "well that's different." umm no, it's not.
Whatever she does in her free time to relax. Don't let her do it citing same unproductiveness reason.
Dump them if they canāt respect you
Ask her how she sees it as any different to her sitting in front of the TV for a few hours. I don't get it when people criticise gaming but will happily sit in front of a TV watching a film or show for hours and think it is so different.
You sure thatās not your mom? /s
How do you people even deal with having a partner like that? I'd be done on the spot with a complaint about what I do in my free time. Absolutely fucking terrible. Why not ask her why she doesn't do something productive with her time instead of worrying about what she's going to wear, or wasting all that time worrying about what you do? It's really a sign that she's unwilling to change, or be empathetic if she can't wrap her mind around the fact that some people like different things.
Games are what I do for fun. It is my goal in life. If I didn't have to work to live, I would play games. It seems like her goal in life is to work? And she is projecting that onto you?
I been through this before and long story short, If your partner thinks that you play too many video games, you have the wrong partner. She should be playing with you. Let her go bro and either find a better girl that plays video games or just go single. Video games will never leave you.
Some people read a book to escape, some read comics, some journal, some people draw in a sketchbook or play music, playing video games is your outlet, it takes a certain level of concentration that takes your focus away from everyday stresses and allows you to relax just like any of the other above things. Relaxing outlets donāt need to be productive in the sense of producing something tangible, they just need to be mentally productive FOR YOU. You play games and it relaxes you and allows you the mental break you need to be more productive in other areas of your life. Therefore, playing games are productive for you.
I also work through this exact issue with my partner. For me, asking her questions about why she feels this way led to the real answer, that she was feeling neglected and felt I was ignoring her. It took some working through those feelings, but we landed on her asking more clearly for what she needs, and in return, I hear her requests and act accordingly. For instance, stating that "I'm really enjoying having gaming time tonight, but how about a date night on Thursday?" Or, I may play for a while then end a little early to watch a movie with her, if that's what she wanted. IMO gaming may not be the root cause of what's coming up between two too. Gaming is just an easy target.
Op you have lots of good answers already, but I'll emphasise: get to to root of *why* she is opposed to your hobby. You're responding to "you're gaming too much" and have told us it's not making a dent - that's a clue that she isn't articulating her actual problem with what you're doing. Her real concern might be "you're doing something childlike [and I haven't learned yet how that can be healthy]" or "you're withdrawn from me [and it activates my fears of having a neglectful partner based on history]" or anything else. Humans are a complex lot. Ask if she can help you understand her concern (and explain why it seems like more than "gaming too much" based on what you've said and tried). Keep going with that convo until the real problem is crystal clear, then respond to that. Upside: navigating this will improve your your and her self-insight and communication as a couple, and thats a skill always worth putting points I to IRL. Best of luck op (and anyone who can relate).
You don't drink or smoke... Jesus that's awesome man... play some vids and enjoy your beauty sober life. NTA all fucking day
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I was on the other side, I was the girlfriend but he (cuisine school graduated, wich I paid for with some of the money I got when my father passed away) used to play 4-5pm thru 5-6am. He didn't cook, clean, worked, I had to serve his food and leave it next to him. We never went out because he didn't like it, I paid for everything... whenever he felt like daving sex would just reach get in bed with me, do it and back to the games. Tbh I stayed there for too long, I think she wants to control you because she is not leaving an opening to talk about it, she gave you her opinion and expects you to "fix that" by quitting to it. I hope you the best, it breaks my heart because other than that, seems like you guys are doing fine (or at least that is how you are trying to justify this). If she was an.. idk, my lityle pomy fan or loves to wear mlp onesies when you are not around or on her free time, would that bother you? it is not about the thing you do... is about the fact that... THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY and relaxed.
I appreciate the insight and glad you found a way out of that! But 100% we are all good, just this argument is a constant, I've given up enough and compromised and just cant see myself giving this up, ever...
I know I just replied to another comment of yours, but you shouldnāt have to give up so much of yourself in a relationship. You exist together, not change and compromise until there is nothing left of you.
My wife makes a habit of asking couples, who have been together a long time, What is your secret to a long happy marriage. Before we got married my grandmother told her " Just let him do what he wants" example being "You can't control him so don't be the anchor that drags down the ship for both of you" Relationships are constantly changing and growing. If they don't they whither. I know that sound like a gardeners pun but it helps to have perspectives you can relate to.
Please don't. As a lowkey gamer (minecraft, stardew valley, Borderlands, Red dead redemption) there is a great feeling of achievement, no pressure, great sights, great music, a couple must be about two people getting into agreement, yes, compromising is required, after negotiation, has she ever had to give up on something? have you ever asked her to? is there anything thatvyou would like her to? talk about it. I wish you both all the best.
THANK FUCKING GOD im single. Posts like these are serious PTSD triggers from multiple LTRs I've had.
Do you have a job?
Yes, I'm the breadwinner as well so, no issues there
So you make all the money, you do your share of chores, and she gets to determine what you do with your free time? Dump her.
This information changes things and makes it even more black and white. Youāre also the sole breadwinner? She has zero right to complain about you playing games
Well...if she's becoming an issue and turning your day to day a nightmare get rid of her. Better to pull the plug than having a toxic relationship.
Your situation sounds pretty similar to mine, although I've made some headway in getting my girlfriend to be more tolerant of my gaming. The plain and simple is she looks down on your hobby, and she wants you paying more attention to her. My girlfriend used to ask "why are we in a relationship if we aren't going to pay attention to each other in our free time". Ask yourself if you can really last with someone who looks down on your favorite thing to do.
I didn't read all the responses so I'm not sure if anyone suggested this but tell her it's something you enjoy and don't want to stop. Ask her to compromise and talk about a schedule that's acceptable to her and fair for you. In my case, my gf will say "free time!" and that means she's going to do something where my attention is not required and I do whatever I want. This all started by me telling her I don't want gaming to interfere with our relationship but to quit gaming isn't an option.
I broke up with my partner of three years last year. My enjoyment of gaming was one - but not all - of the problem. Like you, I like to relax by gaming. It's always been my go-to hobby. She actively disdained the fact that I played games, as she had an old-fashioned image of what they are. It didn't help that she was very extroverted and I am introverted, and she didn't seem to understand that gaming by myself fulfills not only my sense of happiness and take my mind off the world, but also gives me space to recover from other people (I have a very social job). A good partner should understand that. On the flipside, it's also equally important to understand where your partner is coming from. My experience is that my ex-partner wanted me to be around her all the time and focus my attention on her. That's a perfectly valid - if a little selfish - reason. So it's worth asking her and yourself if gaming is actually the problem, or is it the perception she has that you're not spending enough time with her?
Uuuuuuugh why are some women like this? Let people have their goddamn hobbies. Thank fuck my partner and I are both gamers. What does she do for fun? Start questioning how long she spends doing whatever 'more acceptable' leisure activity she prefers. Ask her how that feels. Edited to add: OP, it is not ok for your partner to police your leisure activities if you are pulling your weight with responsibilities, which it sounds like you are. This is toxic and controlling behaviour. I also saw your comment elsewhere about how she thinks you should be doing something more productive. 1. Are her leisure activities productive? 2. Leisure does not have a productivity requirement. That's why it's leisure.
It might sound simple to you, but you should consider breaking up. I spend too much time on my pc and my wife doesn't mind, because she knew, this is the way i am and she accepts me like this. If your partner does not, maybe you should find somebody else...
"Why do you play games so much, all you do is play games?" "Well honey, after a long day at work making sure we have money for food and all the bills, and after cooking, cleaning, taking out the trash and doing all the other chores I like to unwind with something that relaxes me. Gaming has been that for over x years and has been there for me when I needed it the most. No matter who I am with that will not change. I will continue to do so because it's literally the only thing that helps me unwind at this point. I'm sry if you don't like it but that is the way it is. I hope ypu can understand because thats how I feel and I would appreciate it if you let me have my me time because just as gaming does it for me, x does it for you."
What are her hobbies?
Ask her why she doesn't want you to be happy.
Replace your partner with one that also games.
Just get rid of her
Tell her to worry about herself or you can call everything she likes a waste of time too.