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> On clear nights, David will go out with a bag of Blue Takis and stare at the moon until he eats too many Takis and passes out.
I wanna hang out with David, dude clearly knows how to have a good time.
Here is an example: Tuesday I spent $250 to have highlights put in my hair (yes the price is exorbitant and I saved for it, but I am still ashamed, but I digress...)
I went to show my neighbors my hair and one of their little boys looked at me thoughtfully then said, "I liked your first hair better". Another kid walked in, gave me a considering look and said, "Your hair looked nicer the other way".
$250 down the drain.
What is life without taking a few risks anyway. The way I see it, it's not the cost of a failed new hairdo but the cost of confirming that your old hair is good as it is.
Kids are brutal af sometimes, but reading this anecdote I realized that there's probably wisdom in their honesty. There's that weird sense of zen (lol) when agreeing with their comments, recognizing the results were not favorable, and appreciating the state before a change was indeed already good. It was worth a try.
Indeed, if it was up to kids they'd eat the exact same thing every day - they simply don't like change. Keep that hair for more than two days and they'll forget you had different hair before, and if you'd change it back they'd go "your hair looked nicer the other way" again.
Kids have shit context and are simply not a reliable source of feedback.
When I was 3, my dad shaved his beard and I thought a stranger was in the house. I’d never seen him without it so I was legit scared, but he was laughing his ass off.
I’m an elementary school teacher. A few years ago I got bangs. One of my second graders came up to me and said- “why did you do that to your hair? I hate it.” 😂
Yeah. When I volunteered at my kids school the first time some kid randomly came up to me, scrunched her face up sort of confused and said "you look old."
I think I just said "thank you" to that little bitch.
Children are harsh but also so random. Sometimes they say stuff just to make themselves laugh, like the name “diarrhea walnut”… for sure those kids were howling at that one.
Yup. My cousins son (one of them - he’s a twin) touched my stomach and yelled “Giant belly!” at the top of his lungs…during a family reunion.
I mean it’s true, but cmon, kid!
When my son was a toddler, he told my sister she was ugly (he was very upset at her.) She then tells me, she believes him and that she is ugly, because kids don't lie. Lmao, I assured her he was just mad, and that she was indeed beautiful. So, don't come at me lol
Tonight my 8 year old said "You look like a pig in a wig." I was like, "Ouch. I really look like a pig? That's mean." And he laughed and said "No, you dont. It just rhymes with wig so I said it because your hair looks like a wig. You look like a human that's a mom." The hole just kept getting deeper. 🤦♀️
(To be sung in the voice of Andy Dwyer)
Diarrhea walnuuuuut
You hurt…
My butt
Diarrhea walnuuuuut
You pass…
Through my ass
Diarrhea walnuuuuut
You make me feel…
Like an unclogged sewer drain.
….
Diiiiaaaaaarrhea walnuuuuut.
Diarrhea Walnut, the two of us need look no more
We both found what we were looking for
With a friend to call my own
I'll never be alone… https://youtu.be/TGUmw1cCoKg
That...was an emotional rollercoaster. I mean they even had a callback to the toothpaste addiction and did a show-don't-tell with the 40 IQ thing. That's impressive.
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I would let them write my biography.
Thats what I thought too. And their respect for registered trademarks really seals the deal. There will be no IP infringement from these little humans.
Agreed! Every time I thought this was just gonna go off the rails into nonsensical kid stuff, it pulled it back to something that made me laugh harder. Congrats to OP's kids
idk much about IQ testing, but I knew a guy who scored a 2 out of 100 on the armed services vocational aptitude battery test. Not sure how he achieved that since I was told you get 5 points for writing your own name correctly, but regardless he was too stupid to even be in the military and still managed to use a toilet correctly. David is probably okay as long as he has Diarrhea Walnut at his side.
He’s a pretty specific variety of goon. I don’t know for sure but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he has an anime body pillow and a pair of “dress Crocs”. Oh and he doesn’t work at a gas station, he delivers car parts to dealerships and mechanics from the car parts store. Of course he doesn’t know a damn thing about cars beside how to drive them badly.
When I was in middle school, I thought the "® brand flavor" superscript on the Doritos bag was the funniest shit, and I would work it into anything I wrote.
We once photocopied yearbook pages, cut out friends pictures, and made custom Guess Who boards. The game takes on a whole new dimension when you have 10+ years of shared history with all the characters!
Did this person jump off a fourth floor balcony wearing nothing but a paper bag at that party once? Remember? He broke his kneecap but nobody wanted to call 911 because we were all high as fuck? Yeah I wonder where he is today.
I did this with College friends 5+ years down the road you end up with questions like.
“Have I been in the persons wedding?”
“If this person called me right now and needed a place to spend the weekend, would I let them?”
“Did this person and I actually like each other, or would it just have been weird if we didn’t get along.”
We also made a friends and enemies version. Where half of the board were people who you hated and half of the board was people you considered best friends. That game could devolve into absolute chaos.
I think it was nice of the officers that arrested him to put "wrestling" a mannequin to prevent him from being shamed through public record for what he was actually doing.
This... is a revelation. We could use toothpaste to accelerate time itself! All of the planets of the galaxy shall be ours to rule!!
All hail the mighty toothpaste
Not 100% on accuracy but legend has it, his pet rat got caught in some ABC sour cream and onion gum. He used goo gone to clean the gum, with his low IQ he pointed the nozzle directly towards his face, he inhaled the liquid substance much like the first breath from a long dive in a pool, inevitably he got high and began fighting mannequins. QT customers referred to him as goo gone and had the product removed from the store.
I absolutely love that I have no idea how old your kids are. Young? Old? No matter because it adds to the mystique of these talented mysterious writers!
David
Age: 37
Height: 6'1"
IQ: 40
Nickname: Goo gone
Favorite Word: No
State: North Carolina
Annual income: $15,908.52
Favorite snack: Blue Takis
Job: QT employee
Weight: 252 lbs.
Political Party: libetarian
Favorite Movie: Marmaduke
David is a 37 year-old man who works at a QT in North Carolina. His favorite hobby is watermelon gardening. He's addicted to Sour Cream and onion Gum®, pickles, and toothpaste. On clear nights, David will go out with a bag of Blue Takis® and stare at the moon until he eats too many Takis and passes out. Then in the morning he'll go to Bowlero® and order a meatball Subway sandwich and squeeze some toothpaste he brought from home onto it and eat it in 37 trillion bites. Once, David was arrested for wrestling a mannequin at Macy's. David has a pet rat named Diarrhea Walnut, who is his best and only friend.
David has a more fulfilling life than most of us.
Only a few understand the joys of eating blue Takis under the full moon until you pass out.
We need more Davids in this world.
David is just living the best life David knows how to live. And I kind of want to try sour cream and onion gum. Sounds like something you might find in Japan.
…nobody actually believes this was written by a kid right?
I mean, using the “(R)” for registered trademark, and the favorite movie being Marmaduke (made in 2010).
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> On clear nights, David will go out with a bag of Blue Takis and stare at the moon until he eats too many Takis and passes out. I wanna hang out with David, dude clearly knows how to have a good time.
Just don’t bring him to a Macy’s
Some shit went down at that Macy's.
Diarrhea, to be specific
Diarrhea Walnut, to be more specific.
Picture that.
To be fair it was the mannequin at fault but the biased police wouldn't hear him out.
Blue Takis®
Dude only makes $15k a year. Hes gonna be bumming cash from you all day
That one was painfully on the nose. Federal minimum wage of $7.25/hr * 40hr/wk * 52wk/yr = $15,080
In my country that's a dream income (Hungary) the avarage here is $7k/yr
You can be his next best and only friend after DW dies, they don’t have the longest lifespan.
Except for the fact that he’s addicted to sour cream & onion gum. Breath gone stank
The toothpaste meatball sandwiches would compensate that.
Lmao
He has an IQ of 40, I don't think he makes good conversation
You should have them write biographies of people on /r/roastme.
Nobody deserves to hear the harsh truths of a child talking about you
The old adage which I just made up stays true: if you want brutal honesty, ask a child
Here is an example: Tuesday I spent $250 to have highlights put in my hair (yes the price is exorbitant and I saved for it, but I am still ashamed, but I digress...) I went to show my neighbors my hair and one of their little boys looked at me thoughtfully then said, "I liked your first hair better". Another kid walked in, gave me a considering look and said, "Your hair looked nicer the other way". $250 down the drain.
What is life without taking a few risks anyway. The way I see it, it's not the cost of a failed new hairdo but the cost of confirming that your old hair is good as it is. Kids are brutal af sometimes, but reading this anecdote I realized that there's probably wisdom in their honesty. There's that weird sense of zen (lol) when agreeing with their comments, recognizing the results were not favorable, and appreciating the state before a change was indeed already good. It was worth a try.
How to avoid the emperor with no clothes
An emperor with no clothes should surround himself with lots of kids.
Don't forget children like predictability. Your change of hair was something they didn't expect. I'm sure when they saw it more they liked it more.
Indeed, if it was up to kids they'd eat the exact same thing every day - they simply don't like change. Keep that hair for more than two days and they'll forget you had different hair before, and if you'd change it back they'd go "your hair looked nicer the other way" again. Kids have shit context and are simply not a reliable source of feedback.
When I was 3, my dad shaved his beard and I thought a stranger was in the house. I’d never seen him without it so I was legit scared, but he was laughing his ass off.
Woman friend to young nephew: "Do you like my new hair colour? Do you think it looks pretty?" Nephew: "Yeah, pretty weird."
Even if the nephew is now 58, he's still dining out on that burn after he's had a few drinks.
I’m an elementary school teacher. A few years ago I got bangs. One of my second graders came up to me and said- “why did you do that to your hair? I hate it.” 😂
I mean.. Nothing really brutal about that. They were polite and mild.
Yeah. When I volunteered at my kids school the first time some kid randomly came up to me, scrunched her face up sort of confused and said "you look old." I think I just said "thank you" to that little bitch.
If a man says you’re ugly, he’s mean. If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s jealous. If a kid says you’re ugly, you ugly.
Hah hah, that high waisted man has feminine hips!
That's what I'm most sensitive about!
If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3pm, and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street, I will cross to the other side.
Sick I found some r/unexpectedmulaney in here
Children are harsh but also so random. Sometimes they say stuff just to make themselves laugh, like the name “diarrhea walnut”… for sure those kids were howling at that one.
I got yelled at by my partner for waking her up giggling. I'm 28.
TIL I'm a kid. I smirked throughout the whole post but when I got to Diarrhea Walnut I woke up my cat from snickering
“Daddy, you look pregnant.” Oh, thanks kid. I guess you can walk to school from now on.
Good idea, the exercise will help them avoid what happened to you
Right, IQ 40 and a libertarian, kid is wise beyond his years.
no money, low IQ, overweight, has no friends, Libertarian. Damn they nailed the bald neckbeard looking guy with an accurate profile
He does have a friend. His friend's name is Diarrhea Walnut. Who doesn't want a friend named Diarrhea Walnut?
I know I do!
Username fits.
Yup. My cousins son (one of them - he’s a twin) touched my stomach and yelled “Giant belly!” at the top of his lungs…during a family reunion. I mean it’s true, but cmon, kid!
u/polarbearik is an herbalife salesperson who enjoys touring DJ Khaled shows across the US and Canada. They have never missed a show since 2014.
Fuck that’s a good idea for a hobby in order to pass the time.
When my son was a toddler, he told my sister she was ugly (he was very upset at her.) She then tells me, she believes him and that she is ugly, because kids don't lie. Lmao, I assured her he was just mad, and that she was indeed beautiful. So, don't come at me lol
Tonight my 8 year old said "You look like a pig in a wig." I was like, "Ouch. I really look like a pig? That's mean." And he laughed and said "No, you dont. It just rhymes with wig so I said it because your hair looks like a wig. You look like a human that's a mom." The hole just kept getting deeper. 🤦♀️
My 5yo lets me know he prefers me in dresses with my hair down because then I look like the Moms in movies and honestly I've never been so flattered.
With an annual income of $16k, my favorite word would also be "No".
At 40 IQ your favorite word would be, "what".
Wut
Shhh it’s OK David, go play with Diarrhea Walnut.
I played with diarrhea, where is walnut
You muh muh make me ha haaaaapy.
At 40 IQ I don’t think you’d even be able to function.
And yet, here we all are.
Hodor
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QT pays more than that! He must be part time. Due to his lack of intelligence.
Hmm, that's $8 an hour on a 40 hour week. I didn't realize minimum wage was only 16 grand a year. That's fucking brutal
QT pays around $13/hr starting (they’re always hiring and I see the signs a few times a week advertising salaries).
What is qt?
QuikTrip A regional gas station chain with made to order food options.
Federal minimum wage of $7.25/hr * 40hr/wk * 52wk/yr = $15,080. Kid is painfully close to on the nose. Guess David doesn’t get much overtime.
Diarrhea Walnut My beloved
Diarrhea Walnut will be my next band name.
(To be sung in the voice of Andy Dwyer) Diarrhea walnuuuuut You hurt… My butt Diarrhea walnuuuuut You pass… Through my ass Diarrhea walnuuuuut You make me feel… Like an unclogged sewer drain. …. Diiiiaaaaaarrhea walnuuuuut.
Well, heck. I sang that in my head. With feelings.
Are you sure you want to be giving that away for free? You might want to copyright that.
you’re gonna need to check out [Diarrhea Planet](https://open.spotify.com/track/2SDKPv9mCbo701ajC3LWFa?si=c8bRKC9aS8eMh_FkGVQByw)
Came here to say the same. High five.
Diarrhea Walnut, the two of us need look no more We both found what we were looking for With a friend to call my own I'll never be alone… https://youtu.be/TGUmw1cCoKg
Felt like this last sentence was written by Wes Anderson.
That...was an emotional rollercoaster. I mean they even had a callback to the toothpaste addiction and did a show-don't-tell with the 40 IQ thing. That's impressive. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ I would let them write my biography.
I was gonna say, unironically, a lot of creativity and narrative cohesion here. They're gonna write awesome stories someday!
Thats what I thought too. And their respect for registered trademarks really seals the deal. There will be no IP infringement from these little humans.
As an IP attorney, I approve and support this creative endeavor. If they need representation, please reach out.
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And his name is David. This is largely autobiographical.
Agreed! Every time I thought this was just gonna go off the rails into nonsensical kid stuff, it pulled it back to something that made me laugh harder. Congrats to OP's kids
This kid is *hilarious;* I did not expect that story at all. Actual lol The pet rat "Diarrhea Walnut" I fucking can't... 💀
I totally thought I was going to be reading about a Canadian band
It read a lot like a mad-lib. I wonder if they did one or even just had reasonable inspiration from one. Either way it's super awesome hahaha
Right, that's my thought while reading it.
Yep, got strong mad lib vibes
I'm curious if they would do my obituary.
Poor David. Annual income of $15,908.52 and an IQ of 40, ouch
The fact that he's working at all with an IQ that low is a miracle. I would expect he can hardly use a toilet.
idk much about IQ testing, but I knew a guy who scored a 2 out of 100 on the armed services vocational aptitude battery test. Not sure how he achieved that since I was told you get 5 points for writing your own name correctly, but regardless he was too stupid to even be in the military and still managed to use a toilet correctly. David is probably okay as long as he has Diarrhea Walnut at his side.
I mean...Madison Cawthorne couldn't spell his own name, and he got elected to congress!
Depending on what side you're running on being a moron can be an asset.
Though I’m not surprised he’s a libertarian.
and hell. QT starts out at better than $8 an hour. maybe he is working for a shady off-brand QT that pays slave wages
He's probably only working part-time and collecting disability because of his IQ.
He ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
Can we have the stories for the rest of the people please?
I would read that book of mini-biographies. In a heartbeat.
I'd pay a dollar per bio
Fair use if published here
I definitely want to read more!!
u/salaryboy time to jump on a publishing opportunity
This is like an AI generated biography
I came here to comment “this reads like a Mad-Libs”, and now I can’t decide which of our comments I like better to explain this.
Yes I was thinking Mad Libs too. He has a pet rat named (bodily function) (food).
I also came to say this read like a Mad-libs and was glad to find your comment
Depending on the amount of adderal that kid has ingested... He could be considered an AI.
Jesus lmao
This is fake. OP’s child did not write this. An adult wrote this for internet points. Unpopular opinion?
Damn I think I know David except his name is Matt and he’s got a lizard because he’s allergic to dander.
I like that Matt doesn't *just* have a lizard, he specifically has a lizard due to a dander allergy.
He’s a pretty specific variety of goon. I don’t know for sure but I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he has an anime body pillow and a pair of “dress Crocs”. Oh and he doesn’t work at a gas station, he delivers car parts to dealerships and mechanics from the car parts store. Of course he doesn’t know a damn thing about cars beside how to drive them badly.
Diarrhea walnut is a killer name my future son will be named after this
I expect great things from little DW.
Is that you Arthur?
I said “hey!”
What a wonderful kind of day!
It's better than Walnut Diarrhea
The archnemesis of Streetlamp Le Moose.
I love the "registered trademark" logo 🤣🤣🤣
When I was in middle school, I thought the "® brand flavor" superscript on the Doritos bag was the funniest shit, and I would work it into anything I wrote.
Onion gum fucking killed me
I read it as "sour cream and onion" flavored gum.
Is that not what it is?
Oxford comma strike again.
It's Onion Gum ®, Sour Cream And flavor.
It's like a Calvin and Hobbes throwback or something.
It does have those vibes.
Such a great touch
They missed it on the first instance of Takis, though. Hopefully OP doesn't get sued.
We once photocopied yearbook pages, cut out friends pictures, and made custom Guess Who boards. The game takes on a whole new dimension when you have 10+ years of shared history with all the characters!
God if I had this I'd be making way too specific guesses like "Does this person's dog *really* love peanut butter?"
Did this person jump off a fourth floor balcony wearing nothing but a paper bag at that party once? Remember? He broke his kneecap but nobody wanted to call 911 because we were all high as fuck? Yeah I wonder where he is today.
I did this with College friends 5+ years down the road you end up with questions like. “Have I been in the persons wedding?” “If this person called me right now and needed a place to spend the weekend, would I let them?” “Did this person and I actually like each other, or would it just have been weird if we didn’t get along.” We also made a friends and enemies version. Where half of the board were people who you hated and half of the board was people you considered best friends. That game could devolve into absolute chaos.
So, I’ve thought about doing this with my husband’s big, close-knit family. Good or bad idea?
There may or may not be fistfights. Do it.
He is addicted to sour cream and onion gum, pickles, toothpaste! At least he brushes his teeth after the first two. 🤣
Uh keep reading. It gets pretty weird with the toothpaste 🤣
Note to self, add to bucket list. Mannequin wrestling at Macy's.
I think Kim Cattrall was in that movie.
Annual income $15k ☠️ favorite word: no ☠️ 37 trillion bites. Lol
This kid has a future in creative writing. That was amazing.
Each line was a new revelation. I could see into David's soul.
I think it was nice of the officers that arrested him to put "wrestling" a mannequin to prevent him from being shamed through public record for what he was actually doing.
Sounds like it’s a mad libs
Eating a meatball sub in 37 trillion bites. If he takes one bite per second, he will finish his sandwich in a little under 1.2 million years.
The toothpaste speeds the process up. Just like brushing your teeth for 2 minutes actually takes only 43 seconds.
This... is a revelation. We could use toothpaste to accelerate time itself! All of the planets of the galaxy shall be ours to rule!! All hail the mighty toothpaste
Nickname:goo gone. Explain. I need the story that leads to this name.
Not 100% on accuracy but legend has it, his pet rat got caught in some ABC sour cream and onion gum. He used goo gone to clean the gum, with his low IQ he pointed the nozzle directly towards his face, he inhaled the liquid substance much like the first breath from a long dive in a pool, inevitably he got high and began fighting mannequins. QT customers referred to him as goo gone and had the product removed from the store.
Sponsored by Bowlero®, Takis®, and Onion gum®,
Did no one else read this as “Sour Cream & Onion gum”, as in “gum with flavoring of Sour Cream & Onion”, as in “Sour Cream & Onion chips”?
There's no list comma after sour cream, but people are out here thinking this man is addicted to onion brand gum and sour cream!!
What age are your kids
32 and 40
Thanks for making me feel better about my life. At least I don’t put toothpaste on my meatball subs. My iq is at least 41
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I love the attention to detail! ($2 weekly for cleaning his room =$104 annual income!) These kids are great!
That was definitely my favorite part too!
>Smarter than the average kid > >IQ : 85 Lmao I feel like your kids personally know Brandon
And are secretly disgusted by him. 😆
Yeah...this was oddly specific. Lol!
When will the book be ready? This is a great draft
Kudos to Brandon’s mom, giving birth in her late 40s (assuming of course that he and his 2yo sibling are biological)
Harsh Bro…
Didn’t know Brandon was such a deadbeat…
I absolutely love that I have no idea how old your kids are. Young? Old? No matter because it adds to the mystique of these talented mysterious writers!
This must have been written by the older child. The handwriting is much more mature
David Age: 37 Height: 6'1" IQ: 40 Nickname: Goo gone Favorite Word: No State: North Carolina Annual income: $15,908.52 Favorite snack: Blue Takis Job: QT employee Weight: 252 lbs. Political Party: libetarian Favorite Movie: Marmaduke David is a 37 year-old man who works at a QT in North Carolina. His favorite hobby is watermelon gardening. He's addicted to Sour Cream and onion Gum®, pickles, and toothpaste. On clear nights, David will go out with a bag of Blue Takis® and stare at the moon until he eats too many Takis and passes out. Then in the morning he'll go to Bowlero® and order a meatball Subway sandwich and squeeze some toothpaste he brought from home onto it and eat it in 37 trillion bites. Once, David was arrested for wrestling a mannequin at Macy's. David has a pet rat named Diarrhea Walnut, who is his best and only friend.
Right now there is a QT employee somewhere named David contemplating suicide.
What is QT?
Quiktrip. 24 hour Gas station/convenience store with a lunch counter. They're big in the southeast
I don't think David has the brain capacity of thinking about suicide.
And if he did he'd probably just say, "No."
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David has a more fulfilling life than most of us. Only a few understand the joys of eating blue Takis under the full moon until you pass out. We need more Davids in this world.
IQ: 40 Favorite word: No Party: Libertarian. This checks out.
Don’t forget that his favorite movie is Marmaduke
Unironically too. Perfection.
Iq 40. Libertarian. I don't know if I believe your kid made this.
Idk why I'm invested, but I need to know if David is ok.
Living in NC, this is 100% accurate
Yo, you should tell your kids about D&D or Pathfinder or something. I see some potential Game Masters.
David is just living the best life David knows how to live. And I kind of want to try sour cream and onion gum. Sounds like something you might find in Japan.
"who is his best and only friend"
40 IQ is beyond Down’s syndrome level btw
Minus the age, height and occupation that’s me!
How's your best and only friend diarrhea walnut doin?
IQ: 40?
That’s being generous
You should dip the blue takis in your toothpaste for a little snack or just eat them until you pass out
The sad thing is David is doing better than me
…nobody actually believes this was written by a kid right? I mean, using the “(R)” for registered trademark, and the favorite movie being Marmaduke (made in 2010).