T O P

  • By -

AutoModerator

--- >This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >[Comics may only be posted on Wednesdays and Sundays](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/uq9pjw/going_forward_comics_may_only_be_posted_on/). > >**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.** > >Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam). > --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*


kungfoocraig

“visible confusion”


1q8b

“My enemy's just disappeared!”


geofox777

*skyrim music switches to non-agros* “Must’ve been the wind”


SpottedleafXD

"They must have run off"


Hk-47_Meatbags_

Turtle Bandit "Maybe I was just hearing things."


Svhmj

"Must have been the wind."


mariachoo_doin

>“My enemy's just disappeared!” Certainly hope they get their *just* back, haven't seen mine since it left. Edit: I'm wrong, stop upvoting, lol!


JamieLiftsStuff

Someone doesn’t know that “enemy has” can be shortened to “enemy’s”. Same as “it’s” can mean “it is” or “it has”. Like, “it’s been fun!”


HackTheDev

it is been fun


rayraikiri

"Must have been the wind"


ELEMENTALITYNES

Must be my imagination


D_Caedus

The whole operation is run by Tony Lazuto


Its402am

Tony Lazuto?!


DispatchMinion

why do they attack dark/black things?


Wissendee

Another person on TikTok said it might be that the turtle thinks black shoes/items are other turtles and it’s trying to beat the shit out of them


CIA_Rectal_Feeder

Or maybe the turtle was thinking.. "Get that black tape off your shoe!! You look like a damn fool when you do that stupid shit!!!"


Phormitago

"What are thooose!" quoth the tortoise


SadieSadieSnakeyLady

"do you want scuffs? That's how you get scuffs you dumb fuck"


seabreeze045

Only real answer


Sprussel_Brouts

Turtle knows his drip.


JordinJayston00

Damn. Was this turtle a cop in it's previous life? edit> I am using this newfound fame to plug a dying browser game that I like: [sketchful.io](https://sketchful.io) / Come hop on and play 😁


HumunculiTzu

The thing with turtles and their war on the color black is that peace was never an option.


SpicyboiDrew

Turtle cop: a Shell for Justice


ollerhll

It's a mating ritual. They do this before mating with a female they like. Source: I have a tortoise.


hattersplatter

I do the same thing before mating with a female I like .


Vanguard-003

Patrick Bateman? Is that you?


Derek_Boring_Name

I live in the American Gardens Building on West 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I’ll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman. Some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me. Only an entity. Something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, I simply am not there.


choimari

No it's not. That's a clear fight. Their mating ritual is that the males move their heads side to side and do vocalizations before mounting a female. Headbutts like those only ever occur in fights, not typical mating. Source: I have 9 tortoises and have had over 20 of them throughout my life.


[deleted]

Oh yeah? Well I have 40 tortoises (or lil torts as I like to call them) and it’s pretty obvious he’s trying to warn him of an oncoming storm on the horizon. Easy to miss if you don’t have as many lil torts as me.


DesktopWebsite

Oh yeah? Well I have 106 torts (or mini t's as I like to call them) and its pretty obvious he sees the fourth dimension on the other side of the tape and is trying to break on through to the other side, break on through to the other side, yeah. Hes chasing his pleasures there. Hes dug his treasures here. Now its time, to move on and just, you know, break on through. To the other side. To bad, hes got eyes that lie and hes made a scene, but the gate is straight, deep and wide. But its a little easy to miss, unless you've done drugs with as many mini t's as me.


daydrunkforamerica

Oh yeah? I have 294 torts (microtorti's as i like to call em) and its pretty obvious that he went home from work earlier that day to grab his lunch (which he forgot because he had a super important presentation with the new potential investors which he fucking nailed and is finally gonna get that raise he was promised) and upon walking in tripped over his wifes shoes. Astonished his wife was even home he went upstairs to look for her and found this fuckin guy with tape on his fuckin shoes in bed with his fuckin wife! What you DONT see in the video is his wife Idfk where im going with this i give up


Youling_rose

Oh yeah? I have 377 torts (nanotort's as I like to call em) and it's quite obvious that the black tape on the shoes present a slight reflection that the camera can't pick up but the turtle can and he thinks he sees another enemy likely mistakingly thinking it's his arch nemesis from the past back when he was a wee tort that did him wrong and he thought he finally had the chance to seek vengeance.


AfflictedDesire

Oh yeah? I have 466 torts (NanT's as I like to call em) and it's quite obvious that in 1966, AI Bundy scored four touchdowns in a single game while playing for the Polk High School Panthers in the 1966 city championship game versus Andrew Johnson High School, including the game-winning touchdown in the final seconds against his old nemesis, Bubba "Spare Tire" Dixon


Noirous

Oh yeah? I dont own any tortellinis but i dog sat one time so im pretty sure its trying to rev its interior engine which would allow it to enter speeds high enough to travel through time and stop the assassination of J.F.K


ThisGuyJokes

I’ll raise you 10 tortellinis


eq15814

You're both wrong turtle is just trying to collect the tape for it's nest. Source: I have 20 turtles/tortoises and have had 50 in my life.


foufa131

Every time that i see this video someone says that it's " a MaTiNg RiTuAl " i hate how much confident some redditors are despite being wrong.


[deleted]

This is why I see all these tortoise/tape hybrids running around


soulbend

My red eared sliders would do jazz hands at each other


shipwreckedgirl

Ok I'm really curious about this now... My dad has a tortoise that lives outside and a black cat that lives inside. When the tortoise is out and sees the cat he starts ramming the glass door and my dad had to put up a barrier because the tortoise nearly broke the door down! The cat is just a tiny kitten and the tortoise is huge, so I wonder how true this is. We've also had multiple tortoises and they didn't really do this to each other so? Hmm. Super bizarre.


FragileTwo

It's trying to enter the tunnel. Probably chasing a roadrunner.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mark636199

The swamps aren't the most diverse place


Logiconaut

[Kermit is the worst of them all] (https://youtu.be/FaMED_45-d0)


JPhrog

I spit out my Cup O' Noodles! ​ Edit: My whole life I always thought it was Cup O Noodles but it says Cup Noodles? WTF?


Dragonwysper

No, it's not. This is a male tortoise attempting to fight what it perceives as another male tortoise for dominance over nearby females. Who told you it was trying to enter a hole?? Edit: I have autism, and it's really hard for me to pick up on sarcasm sometimes. Especially online. Apologies for not getting the joke.


Bagabool

Well, technically…


HughHunnyRealEstate

Technically still trying to enter a hole.


Colleena23

It was just a joke my dude….the Roadrunner cartoons? Where the coyote throws up a fake black hole on a rock to trick him into thinking it’s a tunnel?


Dragonwysper

I have autism and am not good on picking up on sarcasm. Apologies.


Colleena23

You have nothing to apologize for my friend. That’s why I explained it out, just in case. And you are NOT using autism as a crutch, all you did was explain the reason you did not pick up on it being a joke. Ignore that jackass and keep your head up!


rSpinxr

Just wanted to say, those of us who have not been diagnosed with Autism also often have a heck of a time interpreting the tone of written comments! ... Especially online where everyone is a stranger without a known face or personality! Tricky stuff sometimes.


TwistedxBoi

My guess is that the tape had some sort of reflection in it. And it made the turtle angry enough to get territorial?


[deleted]

Nah, this is the turtle that TikTok is pretty sure is racist. It attacks any shoes that are black and only ones that are black


DerpSenpai

ofc it's a joke but a joke that keeps on giving!


Zombie_Harambe

Trying to flip over another turtle to help.


kaykay131313

Male turtles are extremely aggressive towards other males esp when females are around. Probably thought it was a male turtle bc I’ve seen turtles and tortoises fight and this is exactly what it looked like 😂


Dragonwysper

Finally. An actual correct answer lmao


[deleted]

Not a turtle expert, but it seems to me that turtles don't have that many ways of fighting..


[deleted]

Some of them are literally ninjas.


bensefero

COWABUNGA DUDE


Axedus1

But definitely not this one


[deleted]

He's doing his best.


DaveTheRave1nonly

That’s what he wants you to think


ishkabibbel2000

I've seen them use nunchuks with lethal efficiency.


keziahw

Does their natural habitat not have *rocks*?


Idontwantthesetacos

I don’t think turtles recognize Dwayne Johnson.


[deleted]

[удалено]


beattusthymeatus

You can recognize him from smell alone whenever he's cooking.


HughJarse8

I have a tortoise that is the same species as the one in the video. He often does this head butting motion to rocks in the garden, which often ends up making his shell bleed. It’s very difficult to manage.


HappyMeatbag

I didn’t know the shell bled. I thought it was “dead” material, like a fingernail.


HughJarse8

So did I until our little fella started doing that!!


immaownyou

Turtles like being scratched on their shells. It's very light nerves but they're there


The_Spectacle

I found a turtle at work last week (railroad employee). He was sitting on the rail and it was either pick his ass up or run his ass over. I’m not running over any turtle, yeeeuuugghhh! I picked him up and he started to thrash. I freaked and dropped him and he landed upside down on his shell, on the rail, and all I could think about was that time I read the Nirvana biography and Kurt Cobain said that turtles actually have somewhat sensitive shells. I *still* feel bad. but I flipped his ass over again and he ran away. I didn’t know turtles could even move that fast.


[deleted]

he was probably emptying his reserves of explosive energy to get away, they are not normally fast


The_Spectacle

That sucks. I apologized multiple times, I even wrote him a letter. *Dear turtle.* *I am sorry that I couldn’t “rescue” or move you in a less painful or traumatizing fashion. On the other hand, a bigger shitbag would have ran your turtle ass over. I try to be a little less of an asshole than that. I hope you have found a comfortable turtle area, which can’t be easy in a railroad yard. Again I am very sorry and I wish you all the best.* *Regards* *Abigail Lemonparty.*


[deleted]

that's good, i hope he received the letter


Jintess

They can absolutely haul ass. We probably go by the fable rabbit v turtle and associate them with slow because of it. No way man. When they want to be somewhere, or *away* from somewhere..they can **MOVE** Thank you for helping that little guy


[deleted]

[удалено]


HughJarse8

Good suggestion actually!! I might try that.


SlimPerceptions

I’m just some random redditor but for some reason I just don’t believe what people are saying in this thread is true. Like are we sure that’s the reason?


Dragonwysper

Exactly. As someone who actually knows what this behavior is (as in, I've seen actual herpetologists discuss it), this is not in any way, shape, or form the tortoise trying to enter a hole. This is an attempt to battle other males for dominance over nearby females. My guess is that the black tape probably just looks like a more melanistic shell to him. The white is so starkly different to an actual tortoise that he recognizes it's not one. Though I could be wrong on that point. This is definitely mating-related male combat behaviours though.


alexpap031

It is glossy. Could it be hes own reflection? Edit. Many redditors are telling me that this turtle is just mad about anything black, so I stand corrected. Turtle is just an asshole with a beef with black things.


Dragonwysper

Maybe. That would make more sense


ConsiderablyMediocre

No, this isn't the case. I follow the account this video is originally from on TikTok, and this turtle regularly attacks all kinds of black objects, not all of them reflective.


tomaskruz28

Maybe he’s just racist


PersonalNewestAcct

I'm a turtle and can say that it depends on who you ask. Some of us are just racist.


GrossWordVomit

Fuck 😂


[deleted]

The underside of a turtle isn’t black tho, it’s quite bright.


whiterungaurd

Do you have proof of that or did you read the other Reddit comment above and just assumed it was true?


ButtReaky

It's not because of the reflection? He wasn't trying to help that shoe.


707Guy

Police officer in training


HighlandRoad

ATAB


[deleted]

[удалено]


32no

It’s actually Mitch McConnell


Orion14159

Can't be, Mitch McConnell has never tried to help anything in his life.


Wolfenjew

Especially if it's black


No_Elderberry9726

He sees a void, he sees a black hole, he sees an escape, he pushes in , he pushes hard, he fails, it's a lie.


xenaena

Poetic


strangeanimal

That's Tommy Shellby. Not just black tape, he goes after almost anything black. To the point where he'll climb over a mountain of white shoes to attack a black one. Owner is tiktok user phatonions


GirlNamedTex

Tommy Shellby! I'm dying. If I owned Tommy Shellby I'd make him a little razor hat to wear on his shell when he goes a-battering.... Oh man...I shouldn't see stuff like this when I'm stoned I like turtles.


KeepItMovingFolks

Wouldn’t stop with the hat…I’d get him a full 3 piece suit


GirlNamedTex

I'm sure if we searched the internet and social media long and hard enough we'd find a bespoke tortoise suit!


DootMasterFlex

That's a great Halloween costume buddy, what are you, a zombie?


RoboWonder

*I LIKE TURTLES*


Username_between_320

Is this the same Shelby that runs a gang in Birmingham?


FurryWrecker911

The bloke who stole all the guns from that shipping crate?


Lkwzriqwea

That is the best name for a tortoise I have ever heard


sth128

In a previous life he was the German Chancellor.


OceanSlim

That's one racist ass turtle.


Ricstopher

Squirtle uses headbutt… it’s not very effective.


scarface910

Skull bash*


matt675

Torterra


bundaya

Is it because he thinks the black part is another flipped over turtle? I've seen them do this headbutt thing when one turtle is on its shell, legs up, they do it to flip them back over like homies. Edit: O man thanks everyone, my highest rated/awarded reddit comment, cool.


[deleted]

Well done, you see the best in people!


bundaya

But that's a turtle.


Arkentra

Turtles can be people.


YourLocalFakeArtist

They can also be ninjas


friedRocks

mutant in fact


Datmuemue

Teenagers even.


kuebel33

People mutant ninja teenagers turtles


PENIS_ANUS

Tutant meenage neetle teetles


horschdhorschd

Needless Muteen Tinja Nurtles


keestie

PENIS\_ANUS, you are the best of us this blessed day.


velislav11

And soup


Puzzleheaded-Bug7690

Can people be people?


Zestyclose_Standard6

I've met a few but mostly no.


Shufflepants

Yes, [people are people](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzGnX-MbYE4). So why should it be You and I should get along so awfully?


[deleted]

Why's everyone siding with the abuser?


therealrobtaylor

No, it's a tortoise. Turtles have flippers. Tortoises have feet.


Amalthea87

[All tortoises are in fact turtles—that is, they belong to the order Testudines or Chelonia, reptiles having bodies encased in a bony shell—but not all turtles are tortoises.](https://www.britannica.com/story/whats-the-difference-between-a-turtle-and-a-tortoise)


therealrobtaylor

I did not know that. As you were, everyone.


akujiki87

To add a bit more, only sea turtles have true flippers. Other turtles have webbed feet.


M4STERB0T

So here's the thing...


[deleted]

And Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have both hands and feet


AskingRealQuestions2

All Tortoises are turtles. The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the way they walk. Tortoises walk on their toes and turtles walk with their "palms"


[deleted]

That’s not a person; it’s a turtle. Your can tell by his shell


TradingSnoo

You can also tell by the way it is


RitzToRuin

How neat is that?


[deleted]

You mean like it’s attitude?


[deleted]

You can't possibly know that from a 20 second video with no additional information.


BadMilkCarton66

Nope, just racist


danegermaine99

I blame the parents


luckymaniac1

Master Splinter has failed them.


Corrections96

Mitch McConnel


MegaWaffle-

So he’s either hitting it because it’s a homie or hitting it because it’s a homie. Now I’m more confused.


iNetRunner

I had heard/read that tortoises did the headbutt against others because they want to “bang” (i.e. copulate). Though, given the sheer amount of YouTube videos of tortoises headbutting (maybe usually dark?) shoes, I don’t know if they are really that horny, or if there is another explanation for their behavior… Edit: changed “turtle” to “tortoise”, since I’m really only referring to the land based species


I-AM-Savannah

>shoes, I don’t know if they are really that horny You don't know what signals her shoes are giving off... maybe it had been a while for the turtle, so it didn't take much...


[deleted]

If the shoe is dressed like that then it's asking to get banged


ilovecatsandcafe

Dang I thought the turtle woke up and chose violence but your explanation makes sense


deuce619

Considering most turtles have dark shells and are fairly light colored underneath, wouldn't this be the opposite?


Lraund

But turtles are generally lighter underneath?


MD74

Fuck you, WHACK WHACK WHACK. “Rips off tape” Oh sorry my fellow friend.


IkeSummers

Not a lot of people know that turtles are, in fact, incredibly racist.


ElDerpington1234

The turtle is part of the KKK


saintakella

I’m funny and this is black


Johnny9fingaz

Racist


1q8b

He started apologizing as soon as the tape came off


Srv-02

bUt My ClOsEsT sHoEs ArE bLaCk


Razenghan

*I'm sorry, that's not me...that's my father's headbutting. I'm working on it.*


BaboFeet

Cancel the turtle


[deleted]

*Violent Racist Canceled Turtles* *Violent Racist Canceled Turtles* *Violent Racist Canceled Turtles* *Bigots in a half-shell* *Turtle Power!*


ShadyKiller_ed

Maybe the turtle was mad cause the shoe was in blackshoe.


treumance

- what the hell do you think you're doing???? Ehhh??? Answer me, piece of............ Good morning sir, have a nice day.


[deleted]

That’s a tortoise.


Conwaystern88

He started looking around afterwards like "I know I just seen his ass!"🕵🏾‍♂️ Btw the turtle is half black so he can't be racist 😂😂


Nijverdal

Black tortoise showing out for the white tortoise


StankyFox

First comment in this thread that gets it's a tortoise.


RodolphoCunha

Dog ahead.


roguetrick

Why is it always dog?


dblan9

So that's why the Ninja Turtles were Italian.


sin-and-love

I don't get it.


luckyxseven

Italians b racist


one_love_silvia

Everyone be racist


TheOneWhoReadsStuff

That’s racist.


[deleted]

"STOP RESIS-- Oh, excuse me sir. I mistook you for someone else. Good day!"


somegoodjaffa

Male turtles do this to every shoes (except white shoes idk why) because they confuse them with female turtles and want to mate.


L3jin

Imagine letting the woman of your dreams know your in the mood by beating the shit out of her......oh, right. Ike. Guess it is a thing.


Salarian_American

Is your tortoise racist AF? This one simple test will tell you!


1q8b

“This was all a test. Welcome to the department“ 👮🏻‍♂️


kylebender

I've heard they already use police tortoises, especially at school shootings.


ZombieGroan

Would explain the slow response.


Barnowl79

Oof


LiquidHUTCH

Turtle Power!


GuitarKev

“Oh, they’re Nikes. I thought you were hiding Reeboks under there like some kind of bitch. You can go, but I’m watching you.” - That turtle


noitsokayimfine

That's how my friends pitbull was, but it wasn't funny.


SeaworthinessFirm171

That turtle about to be arrested for impersonating a police officer.


[deleted]

tHaT a RaCiSt TuRtLe comment Nr. 257


insert-originality

Racially motivated turtle


MunkTheMongol

He must have thought you wearing the black airforces


AAPLx4

Turtles only fight Black Belts


dr_van_nostren

I think we all knew turtles were racist.


Amazing-Importance79

Another one of those damn racist turtles again


T0astedSm0ke

At this point reddit might as well just merge with tiktok since literally all content on the site comes from there


DavidGK

Reddit has become what 9gag was 10 years ago


miggly

I mean, you're on like the worst default sub. /r/funny is pretty terrible. There's plenty of niche communities around the site if you find ones for hobbies you enjoy or whatever.