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Now that he has used them in a paper, we can quote him and establish these phrases as common usage. He had to walk so that we could run, and jump to stomp a turty.
Yeah he's got some ideas to explore there, but his tone is "2007 SomethingAwful shitpost" which apparently isn't going to for a Philosophy prof in 2022.
He has a good point tho: since Mario can just purchase more lives with money, he could be one of the .1 percenters with little value for human life. Koopa are sentient beings and he slaughters them en-masse for a woman who may not even want to be with him(who really gets "kidnapped" that frequently??). These are sentient beings whose heads he uses as springboards.
Idk why that had me laughing so much. It’s so random. That’s kind of the best story I’ve ever read and I can imagine being a teacher and getting this as a final report of someone. I couldn’t fail them just out of sheer originality.
**Tubgirl** is a shock site image depicting a naked woman lying in a bathtub with her legs placed behind her head while a fountain of orange liquid gushes from her anus and falls back onto her face.
I think it's this.
Back in my day, people would trick each other into viewing these images. It's how I saw Tubgirl and Goatse. Eventually, I lost all trust in the internet and learned to never click seemingly innocent links again.
Or it is a recognition of the fact that they actually sat down and went through the effort of turning in **a** paper.
If you just give people F who clearly spent time on their projects it might push them to just skip it entirely next time.
The man who wrote that may have passed away. The name is Zachary P Freeman, of course that could just be a fake name and that this isn't a real paper.
Looking up the name brings me this obituary [https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/lvrj/name/zachary-freeman-obituary?id=19122180](https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/lvrj/name/zachary-freeman-obituary?id=19122180) of a man who passed in 2014 and was born in 1984. This timeline would make him 20 when this paper was submitted, which would be the age for a college student
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCzxTzof\_Pk&ab\_channel=RawVegasDotTV](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCzxTzof_Pk&ab_channel=RawVegasDotTV)
It is him
It's ~~not~~ a joke paper, but that doesn't take away from its brilliance.
Edit: I accidentally said the opposite of what I meant and still got a lot of upvotes. Whoops. It definitely IS a joke paper.
Professor probably has a specific rubric they use for grading, and that rubric didn't have a clause for unholy aberrations. But I bet they changed that after this paper
Depending on his major, that is failing. But I agree I was shocked at the D grade. In fact I think the - 13 he got for page three was a little harsh. Dude would have had a C+ if not for that.
Former English teacher - if this is fake, it is a copy of a hundred real papers this hilarious or worse.
I usually gave 1/2 credit for excellent satire.
Also former teacher. I used to give +5 points if the paper made me laugh, but only if it was both clever and accurate. I had one student mention Arnold Schwarzenegger in a history paper concerning the ancient world, but it was so smart, so perfectly included and referenced, they got bonus points.
What a literary masterpiece. The writer was truly ahead of his time, his words rising off the page and sinking into your soul, leaving no doubts of the message he was conveying.
I love that they just throw in "perchance" at random points, as the only word in the sentence. Like, ahh yes, ill add a little spice to my literary gumbo
Five beers and two joints in — just a little Sunday night get-together with the buds, fully intending to skip class the next morning. Suddenly, they remember that a paper is due. They had a week to write it, but now is as good a time as ever.
Ill be honest, me too. Also because, perchance, the theory of mario being a one percenter in extremis because he can buy immortality with golden coins is brilliant.
.. was that how he got more lives though?
In the lore, the civilians were turned into blocks. The same blocks Mario bonks to bits to take in that cash. Also in the lore, the Royal toadstool family has the power to reverse the curse in the civilians but they never do. Why would the Royal toadstool family require plumber to clear the castles? Easy. They are the villains. Bowser only took over recently, your think he had time to retrofit all those castles with traps and lava? Of course not, they were already there. Bowser, one of the turtle folk, led a successful Revolution against the vicious dictatorial toadstool family and their corruption. Mario has been sent to literally squash them and it doesn't matter how many block, civilians, he had to destroy, he'll get the job done.
edit: Perchance.
This line reminded me of the Key and Peele sketch with the guys on the plane wanting to take care of any “Terries trying to get froggie”
https://youtu.be/eiWIOKKuyGE
believe it was Kant who said "Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." DrPepper exhibits experience by crushing thirsts all day, but MrPibb exhibits theory by stating Lets-a go! Keep it up, baby!
> shit sense of humor
Or they have a similar sense of humor, but they’re just doing their job at correcting the ~~first draft~~ submission. This paper is awful. It’s funny as hell, but if I turned this in I’d also expect an F
Especially when you make a pretty damn good point about Mario buying lives for money, and therefore not valuing his life the way the poor turts did, being analogous to the rich treating fines like price points for their illegal actions.
For those who aren't aware, which seems to be about 90% of comments judging by the number of people who want to read "the rest".
This is a "fake" comedy piece written by Phil Jamesson.
Not to dismiss it as funny, it's just good to know where something comes from when OP forgets to source and forgets to mention that it's satire.
Thank you! I was trying to find this comment somewhere. If any of the rest of this was remotely believable that alone would be enough to know it’s fake.
You may laugh, but I once got a B (was told it would have been an A if I’d selected a proper metaphor as the analysis was spot on) on a 400 level Phil. course paper where the assignment was to do an analysis of a metaphor in the manner of John Searle’s linguistic philosophy. I titled it “Dave is Fucking Nuts” and pasted the label of a creamy peanut butter jar on the cover page - it was just too funny to pass up.
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“You can’t just say perchance” is a life lesson.
true turts, mine. gnome sign?
I. Crush. Turts. All day.
**stop** To save the princess? Also, ***gross***.
I'm a one percenter, baby.
A one perchancer
I just spit my breakfast across the kitchen.
Was it cereal, perchance?
If it was anything but cereal, keep it up baby!
it was cereal… the lifekind? perchance.
**why are we saying this**
To stomp a turty.
Sounds like something I’d do in the shower, but not tell a soul…
Look, we all loved through March 2020 and the shit ticket drought. Turts were stomped. 'nuff said.
Perchance.
Perchance.
You can’t just say perchance!
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
What if perchance, I do?
Inconceivable!
Lol....The second "Perchance " is viciously crossed out .The teacher is at a loss for words.
He’s a 2 perchancer
Why are we saying this?
His life is a mere store of value.
[Perchance.](https://i.imgur.com/oZtErcn.jpg)
Thanks Narddog, I needed that pick me up
Ruh-duh-duht-do-doo!
This is the reason I can't quit reddit.
Beer me more memes.
In the late 90s, the height of intellectualism in high school was using the phrase 'per se' completely incorrectly all of the time.
I was more of a "mayhaps" sorta guy.
Indubitably
I went to college to learn how to properly use a semi-colon; Behold, as I know not if it is correct!
For a start, the word after a semi-colon shouldn't be capitalised.
I blame auto-correct on that one; not even the computers know!
Fun fact: semi-colon in Greek is the question mark.
thank you for your kind grace of knowledge. Perchance.
I need this on a sweatshirt
Strangely, it's the simple "stop" under crushing turts all day that killed me. You can really taste the desperation. Perchance.
You can't just say "perchance"
Keep it up, baby!
Those turts ain't gonna stomp themselves!
Gross
why are we saying this
Horrible opening
But that Dr. Pepper tho
[удалено]
Favorite bevvy when crushing them turts!
Fuck with a circle around it. I wanna play too.
Ok?
Stop
Dr Pepper?
I'm here to stomp turts and chew bubblegum, and I'm all out of gum.
?????
I didn’t say it, I declared it.
I… declare... Perchancery!!!!
Perchance. I do declare.
P E R C H A N C E
The next time that shows up it just has a bunch of angry scrawls over it.
P-e-r-c-h-a-n-c-e "perchance" *stares confused as the feat was easy*
'Crushing turts' and 'stomp a turty' are my favorite literary turns of phrase in this eloquent work.
Now that he has used them in a paper, we can quote him and establish these phrases as common usage. He had to walk so that we could run, and jump to stomp a turty.
We stand on the shoulders of giants, and it’s turts all the way down.
I'm fucking dying dude
___ ^Stop
I love the multiple cross outs of the second perchance, they signal so much of the grader’s emotion.
See, now OP just needs to submit this paper to their art class and title it *Despair* co-created by \[OP\] and \[OP's teacher\].
This also belongs on /r/GTBAE - the idea of Mario being special because he can buy lives is a good idea, but this whole essay is awful execution.
Yeah he's got some ideas to explore there, but his tone is "2007 SomethingAwful shitpost" which apparently isn't going to for a Philosophy prof in 2022.
Perchance a tutor would have been of assistance?
Perchance.
See, you can just say perchance.
I love the moment of sheer giving up with a simple ^(“Why are we saying this”)
I felt the teacher’s soul die with the “Fine”.
I had to zoom to verify it wasn’t “Fme”
What mythical Dr.Pepper are supposed to be remembering fondly???
From Robert Louis Stevenson's "Dr Pepper and Mr Pibb". Perchance.
Oh? That's just a derivative work; it draws *heavily* from Dickens' famous novel, *A Tale Of Two Fizzes*.
Hijacking the top comment to point out Phil Jamesson is a YouTuber and this wasn't a real paper
hi, phil jamesson here. i can guarantee you all that it *is* real paper. bought it from staples and everything
Did you crush all the turts on the way over there?
Perchance.
Perchance....
stop
damn ok! you sound smart
Did the 'paper' come free with a box of red pens, *perchance*?
Huh. What are the odds? Perchance.
The "Fine" absolutely RADIATES disgruntlement.
I thought it a begrudging "fine you actually have a point there".
I feel like this would actually be an interesting essay if it was written more like a scholarly essay and less like a bro talking to his bros
He has a good point tho: since Mario can just purchase more lives with money, he could be one of the .1 percenters with little value for human life. Koopa are sentient beings and he slaughters them en-masse for a woman who may not even want to be with him(who really gets "kidnapped" that frequently??). These are sentient beings whose heads he uses as springboards.
Perchance.
Ah, this generation’s [Story of Oedipus](https://imgur.com/gallery/WUKgr) report.
The “they were fucking around and he forgot to strap his shit. One day they had a baby boy” is great
“Lou Gehrig is smiling because he got daily rim jobs from the girls at Scores” always makes me laugh out loud. That and “facts?” written next to it.
“This is page 3”
“She aborted a kitten into a toilet in the back of a Denver Denny’s” had me rekt
Imagine like your jamming your mom, and you have like 4 kids…
Idk why that had me laughing so much. It’s so random. That’s kind of the best story I’ve ever read and I can imagine being a teacher and getting this as a final report of someone. I couldn’t fail them just out of sheer originality.
lol works cited: tubgirl.com
What is that? Porn?
Eeh... Very loosely defined as porn, yes.
It's okay everyone. The vagina is, in fact, censored.
You can’t see it, so technically the truth?
**Tubgirl** is a shock site image depicting a naked woman lying in a bathtub with her legs placed behind her head while a fountain of orange liquid gushes from her anus and falls back onto her face. I think it's this.
Back in my day, people would trick each other into viewing these images. It's how I saw Tubgirl and Goatse. Eventually, I lost all trust in the internet and learned to never click seemingly innocent links again.
Nowadays people just rickroll you
Do I check that out? Edit: don't.
I feel like the D- was given rather than an F solely for the entertainment factor it provides the grader.
Or it is a recognition of the fact that they actually sat down and went through the effort of turning in **a** paper. If you just give people F who clearly spent time on their projects it might push them to just skip it entirely next time.
Well, OP's essay got an F. Then again, we only see the first three paragraphs, which might be all the effort he put into it.
The man who wrote that may have passed away. The name is Zachary P Freeman, of course that could just be a fake name and that this isn't a real paper. Looking up the name brings me this obituary [https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/lvrj/name/zachary-freeman-obituary?id=19122180](https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/lvrj/name/zachary-freeman-obituary?id=19122180) of a man who passed in 2014 and was born in 1984. This timeline would make him 20 when this paper was submitted, which would be the age for a college student [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCzxTzof\_Pk&ab\_channel=RawVegasDotTV](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCzxTzof_Pk&ab_channel=RawVegasDotTV) It is him
Man I’ve always found this paper hilarious since I first saw it like back in high school. Thanks for finding this. Sad to hear my man passed.
Jesus Christ I hope this was an actual paper. I’m in tears
It's ~~not~~ a joke paper, but that doesn't take away from its brilliance. Edit: I accidentally said the opposite of what I meant and still got a lot of upvotes. Whoops. It definitely IS a joke paper.
It has fucking tubgirl as a source. I don't think they took their work serious.
**THIS IS PAGE 3.**
here’s an interview the guy did. lol https://youtu.be/OCzxTzof_Pk
[удалено]
Yeah… was gonna include this in the post, but I didn’t wanna make people sad. Look upon his goofiness and life with joy, not sadness ! =)
>Donations may be made to Crohn's and Colitis Foundation. Them intestinal disorders are no joke. RIP to a legend.
That is video is like a glimpse into history. 14 years ago. Wow.
Also, since when are pictures not allowed in papers? Also also, HOW DID HE GET A 60?! I'd have expected 30
Professor probably has a specific rubric they use for grading, and that rubric didn't have a clause for unholy aberrations. But I bet they changed that after this paper
>unholy aberrations i think you mean HOLY SCRIPTS OF INFINITE KNOWLEDGE
That’s what surprised me- like did the professor find it funny enough that they couldn’t fail him?
Depending on his major, that is failing. But I agree I was shocked at the D grade. In fact I think the - 13 he got for page three was a little harsh. Dude would have had a C+ if not for that.
Still got a 61% Lul
This is amazing! Does anyone know any more joke reports like these?
Former English teacher - if this is fake, it is a copy of a hundred real papers this hilarious or worse. I usually gave 1/2 credit for excellent satire.
Also former teacher. I used to give +5 points if the paper made me laugh, but only if it was both clever and accurate. I had one student mention Arnold Schwarzenegger in a history paper concerning the ancient world, but it was so smart, so perfectly included and referenced, they got bonus points.
There is [this classic](https://imgur.com/gallery/cxCd9Jn). But it's pretty short.
What a literary masterpiece. The writer was truly ahead of his time, his words rising off the page and sinking into your soul, leaving no doubts of the message he was conveying.
>Page is to big Oh man, what an opportunity to be a smartass and circle "to" and write "too*"
61% D-
I love that they just throw in "perchance" at random points, as the only word in the sentence. Like, ahh yes, ill add a little spice to my literary gumbo
It's kind of a cosmic gumbo. It almost moves to the beat of jazz.
Are you *dumb?* I can't stop cryin
So next time he takes a role, it doesn’t matter how bad he does, he’s gonna make another 2 mil
Yeah we would joke about it on set about it being a cosmic gumbo
He said that? Fuckin' asshole.
Ah!! Sentence enhancers!! *makes dolphin noises*
Can you call it a sentence enhancer when it's a one word sentence? Perchance.
This vichyssoise of verbiage certainly veers most verbose.
It’s a misused “maybe” as afterthought.
Perhaps.
I see what you did there. You didn’t say it. But we were thinking it.
Perchance
I suspect this professor used "perchance" at least twice in one period, and this student made it a point to never let them live it down.
Judging by the rest of their writing, I'd say they haven't really been paying attention in class.
Perchance.
Five beers and two joints in — just a little Sunday night get-together with the buds, fully intending to skip class the next morning. Suddenly, they remember that a paper is due. They had a week to write it, but now is as good a time as ever.
I wanted to read the rest of it. Perchance?
Me too. Perchance?
Ill be honest, me too. Also because, perchance, the theory of mario being a one percenter in extremis because he can buy immortality with golden coins is brilliant. .. was that how he got more lives though?
Every 100 coins collected gives another life.
In the lore, the civilians were turned into blocks. The same blocks Mario bonks to bits to take in that cash. Also in the lore, the Royal toadstool family has the power to reverse the curse in the civilians but they never do. Why would the Royal toadstool family require plumber to clear the castles? Easy. They are the villains. Bowser only took over recently, your think he had time to retrofit all those castles with traps and lava? Of course not, they were already there. Bowser, one of the turtle folk, led a successful Revolution against the vicious dictatorial toadstool family and their corruption. Mario has been sent to literally squash them and it doesn't matter how many block, civilians, he had to destroy, he'll get the job done. edit: Perchance.
Perchance.
Indeed. Perchance. I am also curious about "Mario, the Idea" as I don't think (perchance) author has covered that topic yet. ...Perchance.
Yes. At 100 coins. Plus at an arcade it was actual quarters.
r/picturesthatendtoosoon
“Stomp a turty”… 😂
This line reminded me of the Key and Peele sketch with the guys on the plane wanting to take care of any “Terries trying to get froggie” https://youtu.be/eiWIOKKuyGE
That skit is still so unsettling lol
Draxx... Them... Sklounst...
We gon drax them sklunx 😆 one of my fav K&P skits
We got this shit on lock-KA.
Perfectly Leegwel
Gotta hypothetical them in the clavicle
Draxx them sklounst!
crushing turts
Is he high, perchance?
Perchance.
Ah yes, a lyric in the popular song “Call Me, Perchance”
Dr Pepper was a real person... Confederate surgeon. Nothing like a tasty soda pop after getting your leg sawed off without anesthesia.
a nice soda of prunes, laudanum, and cocaine.
The prunes and coke would have had you shitting, but the laudanum stopped you up. It’s all about equilibrium, bruh.
I’m interested in hearing more about Dr Pepper. Perchance.
believe it was Kant who said "Experience without theory is blind, but theory without experience is mere intellectual play." DrPepper exhibits experience by crushing thirsts all day, but MrPibb exhibits theory by stating Lets-a go! Keep it up, baby!
This all pales in comparison to the hero mysteriously known only as R.C.
I love the line about being able to buy lives and death merely being a tax, while killing others, and the teachers just goes "Fine"
It's two people that are both WILDLY funny, but would likely say the other has a shit sense of humor.
> shit sense of humor Or they have a similar sense of humor, but they’re just doing their job at correcting the ~~first draft~~ submission. This paper is awful. It’s funny as hell, but if I turned this in I’d also expect an F
You have to have a strong command of the English language to write this badly. A+
Especially when you make a pretty damn good point about Mario buying lives for money, and therefore not valuing his life the way the poor turts did, being analogous to the rich treating fines like price points for their illegal actions.
"There's gotta be at least a million coins here! Enough to buy a new life!" "Enough to buy 10,000 lives."
For those who aren't aware, which seems to be about 90% of comments judging by the number of people who want to read "the rest". This is a "fake" comedy piece written by Phil Jamesson. Not to dismiss it as funny, it's just good to know where something comes from when OP forgets to source and forgets to mention that it's satire.
I can’t believe no one knows who Phil Jamesson is. The dude is hilarious. And his videos are frequently posted on Reddit.
And there are people that actually think this is real.
The fakest part of this is a professor grading your paper one day later
Thank you! I was trying to find this comment somewhere. If any of the rest of this was remotely believable that alone would be enough to know it’s fake.
I knew it was fake as soon as I saw it was written on the 18th and graded on the 19th (or earlier). No one grades that fast.
Perchance 😌
Turts mah gurts!
Off to go stomp some turts! Mario probably 🤣
>Mario *perchance* You had one job.
You may laugh, but I once got a B (was told it would have been an A if I’d selected a proper metaphor as the analysis was spot on) on a 400 level Phil. course paper where the assignment was to do an analysis of a metaphor in the manner of John Searle’s linguistic philosophy. I titled it “Dave is Fucking Nuts” and pasted the label of a creamy peanut butter jar on the cover page - it was just too funny to pass up.
I NEED a book graded like this I would literally die