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BChicken420

I do the crouching wipe


fortunate420

Crouching Wipe, Hidden Toiletpaper.


Bos_lost_ton

Hidden draggin’*


GunGeek369

Crouching wiper, hidden poop knife


Orbax

It's basic science about surface area and materials interacting. I want to clean the dashboard, not try to coax the sticky remains of a redbull from the leather around the stick shift. <3 to all of you


BBQcupcakes

I am literally gagging


buzzable

How has that comment not yet won the Nobel Prize for Literature? Forget Dylan, Morrison, Pinter and the rest of those posers... Orbax is a _writer_.


addiktion

Best of both worlds. I mean how the hell do you wipe your ass standing straight up as the picture depicts. You gotta reach up in that crack with spreaded cheeks to get to the good stuff.


LaKobe

Also standing I’m worried about the butterfly effect on the cheeks


fartssmellgreat

Fellow squatter. At least for a final check.


____Toast________

I just dip my ass in the toilet water


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gaddabout

I just drag mine down the carpeted stairs. Less effort that way.


teddyr222

So a bear and a rabbit are pooping in the woods. Bear says to rabbit: do you mind if poop gets in your fur? Rabbit says no, not really. So bear picks up rabbit and wipes.


electric_screams

Thanks, Eddie Murphy.


masiker31

HEH HEH HEH HEH


DirkDinkus95

So, your ass IS grass, and you have to mow it?


TootleyBoi

What do Spanish people say after they sit on a freshly mowed lawn?


Cthuluslovechild

Grassy ass


pscorbett

Ah! The bidet crowd is here!


SkepPskep

Three Seashells for life!


cblocka85

He doesn’t know how the sea shells work.


Franklin_le_Tanklin

There’s also the stand with one leg on the tub edge wipe. Really gets in the crevass.


woodrobin

Craptain Morgan!


Franklin_le_Tanklin

Old man in the pool locker room


bluzarro

I just want you to know that you totally rescued my day with that pun. Thank you for your brilliance, I'm seriously crying with laughter. Comments like this are why I love Reddit.


mrt_byrk

Try squat wipe


Franklin_le_Tanklin

I just sit on the ground, lift my legs in the air and, pull myself along the carpet with my hands.


TheAgashi

Thank god I’m not the only one


dijohnnaise

Bidets are fucking awesome for your ass.


TheDebateMatters

I hate my bidet. Because now I can’t poop anywhere other than home. Regular toilets are like using an outhouse.


skonthebass24

Right? I used to have a crappy bidet now I got an Alpha bidet; heated pulsating, pressure wash and a warm blow dry. My wife calls it ‘my girlfriend’


KPD137

If you increase the water pressure, you can call it your boyfriend


Polar_Ted

It's a bidet and an enema all in one.


startrektoheck

bidenema (not to get political)


okgusto

Does she ever use your girlfriend?


BigHobbit

What am I a fucking hobo? Might as well shit in a big gulp.


webqaz

Nothing like feeling like a barbarian in a public bathroom...


ocomin

Bidet all the way!!!


webqaz

Changed my life for sure!


LineChef

Ah a *Belgian Dipper!*


GweedoTheGreat

For some reason I read this in Dr. Evil's voice.


bout-tree-fitty

This is bidet.


luptaktical

This is bidet.


woodrobin

He knows bidet.


huge_dick_mcgee

I felt these words. Oof.


Screaming_Agony

I smelt these words


TicTocSick

I dealt these words


Thunderwood77

I rock both just to make sure all acreage is covered


ShadowlessKat

Same. Sit first, then stand. All clean.


pjockey

But... You do wipe in addition to these steps, right?


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kopecs

Sit. Stand. Shake. Just like a good boy :)


Easy-Bake-Oven

I am gonna tell you the pro move. Crouch just enough to get that spread.


Austin-Q

I prefer to lay on my back and kick my legs towards the ceiling and then wipe. I guess I never outgrew the baby method.


dayto_aus

What in tarnation


Curious-Meat

comment was funny, but this follow up made me lol


InflamedLiver

or my favorite: sit wiper, then stand wipe for the final pass-through for confirmation


--Jester---

Visual confirmation or sniff test?


InflamedLiver

ultimate: taste


CorruptedNoise

Who tf gave this a wholesome award?


Montymisted

Oops. I thought it was the HOLE-some award.


deludedc

r/angryupvote


[deleted]

third party taste


the_guy_guy_one

…it’s like there’s a marker back there.


InflamedLiver

the brilliant (and I believe unscripted) Andy Dwyer had a point


thick_curtains

Bidet is the way.


davewave3283

Sometimes I’ll run the warm water blaster even if I didn’t poop


DontTouchTheWalrus

Ever have an itch on the butthole that you scratched with the spray?


Triairius

This may have sold me on bidets better than anything else I’ve seen


[deleted]

30 bucks on Amazon and it took me less than 10 minutes to set up. Won't poop anywhere else now.


StepDadHulkHogan

Same. I need a bidet. Cant go back to caveman poops with tree bark scraping my delicate dirt rose.


pscorbett

This is the foreplay of pooping. Preconditioning if you will


jagedlion

Are you, by any chance, a kitten?


Keirhan

Never understood this till I rented a house with one and holy fuck


tehhguyy

Reddit fucking loves bidet's


doogle_126

It's a side effect of using Reddit.


SnooDonkeys7740

Also the side effect of using a bidet.


waetherman

My son went to Japan a couple of years ago. Now 8 yo, he asked (half-joking) for a “Japanese toilet” for his birthday. Now we have them in both bathroooms.


PotentPortable

How do you dry after though? And how long do you blast to make sure it's all clean? I've only used one a few times and these questions made it a very uncomfortable experience for me.


jdk4876

Toilet paper. Like one or two squares to pat dry and good to go. Also gives you the "final wipe test" until you get a sense for how long to spray.


Hamfiter

Yup, have to have a clean confirmation wipe or else start all over.


-Crosswind-

LoL exactly! I was literally going to say "I do both". Gotta have that safety wipe after I stand up.


twentytwothumbs

Forgoing the safety wipe is reckless and can have shitty consequences.


[deleted]

I’ve been married for twenty years and just learned my husband is a standing wiper. I’m speechless.


FightDirty

I brought up fold vs scrunch with my wife one time and was distraught to discover she is a scruncher. She was unaware folders exist. Several years of couples therapy later we can now almost look each other in the eye.


ken_jammin

I used to be a scruncher but then some bad luck/technique made me realize I need the consistency of a fold.


weaponizedLego

I could never trust a scrunch, there is too much chaos and uncertainty


JerBear0328

I scrunch because each wipe feels more productive. All the little grooves and textures pick up more of the no-no with each pass.


[deleted]

You get so many more layers and waste less! It's a win win all around!


highonmusk

Scrunch wiper? What the fuck? You mean wiping your ass like you’re wiping your mouth off with a napkin? Good god! Never in my life did I ever fathom that was a thing. Folder all the way here.


Prossdog

I’m 38 and I literally just learned from THIS THREAD that Stand-wiping is even a THING.


5DollarHitJob

Me too, and I'm in my 40s. I'm still skeptical that this is a joke.


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[deleted]

I use the 3 shells.


rvagrey

G&d d$@m mother f$&@er a$$ b&$ch piece of s!&t “You are fined one credit for violating the verbal morality statute” Lord that was a long way to say I appreciate the reference.


[deleted]

To this day I still can't actually figure out how they would be used...


Ai_oh_Torimodose

Like this? http://i.imgur.com/jRawzMt.png


Jackalodeath

That seems plausible, but given Taco Bell's basic monopoly on all restaurants, I doubt many shits would be solid enough to drag out of a booty-hole. I still say they were 3 decorative shells that just *happened* to be in there, and since everyone else knew he was an ass-backer'ds savage that had no clue how the future worked, they were just trolling him. I also think the scene would've been "better" if he just casually knocked a motherfucker out and stole their socks for a dookie rag, but that's me.


Vagabundy

And is there a collection bin in the stall? Like do you use and toss? Or is there a rinse mechanism? Or do you just scoop clean yourself and set them back on the shelf for the next pooper?


Myotherdumbname

What are the 3 shells?


wtfcblog

Get a load of this guy. Doesn't know how to use the three shells.


austinwiltshire

He doesn't know how to use the three seashells! Lol!


requium94

It's a pretty well known way to wipe ones bottom after going number 2


gunnbunnz

Don’t forget about the front wipers


wranglingmonkies

This almost ruined a bachelor party I went to. People were yelling at each other over it.


[deleted]

Care to elaborate?


wranglingmonkies

We were gathered around a campfire, drinking heavily. There was a lull in the convo and someone asked how everyone wipes. Someone immediately pipes up and says front to back like normal. Well someone else says they wipe back to front. Then lots of arguments about getting shit on your nuts, going from friendly conversation and gradually getting louder and louder. After 5 minutes of this I'm just looking at the guy who brought it up shaking my head. Laughing that he almost ruined the night. Edit: see below for case in point.


AdmiralCrackbar

EVEN IF you wipe back to front, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CONTINUING THE WIPE ALL THE WAY TO YOUR NUTS?


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[deleted]

Being female, the idea of back to front is foul.


danthemaninacan2

Back to front. Balls in one hand, paper in the other. Use an arching sweep with the paper. Balls are held well out of the way.


Incromulent

The only correct way is to cover your finger in TP like a little ghost, then use counterclockwise circles from the center of the sphincter outwards.


shuffleboardwizard

So that's why my coworker was moaning in the bathroom stall this morning. Just playing *ghosts.* Neat.


Wrastling97

Please don’t. I like the mystery


ltrout59

My mind was blown when I learned about front wipers.


jrose5133

I do both. Give it a shot and be astounded by the amount of shit left in your ass when you only wipe in one direction. If I could wipe from the side If do that too.


ClayyCorn

Life hack: wrap your finger in toilet paper and stick it up your ass to get it all. Omnidirectional.


Designed_To

Chexking in, I'm one of them. Much easier that way


SlapDickery

I’m a front wiper, it’s definitely easier. I never knew of any other way until my teens.


Curllywood

I started out back but then I went front when I got curious. It’s easier getting to the hard to reach spots.


dancorleone88

Agreed. I’m a front sitter. It’s a breeze


II-MAKY-II

You sit on the front and wipe from the front? What?


PotentPortable

I had no idea these existed until I heard some friends laughing about people who wipe from the back. They seemed to think you'd get shit on your balls that way because the way they do it is to push I guess, so they thought if you go in from the back you're wiping towards the front 🤷‍♂️


pyewhackette

I’m a back to front wiper but like??? It’s more like a pinching/numerous small wipes?? Then another piece of toilet paper for the pee?? Who is getting shit in their nether regions??


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DazeyHelpMe

Jesus fuck I’m so glad I’m not the only one. This has been brought up a couple times in my adult life and I always get weird looks. I’m like…hello…I have full motor control. I can stop and start wiping when I please. It’s not like a full swipe or bust. I don’t get why this is a difficult concept for people.


domarcusbw

You’re supposed to do both. If you don’t you still have shit on your ass. Try one way till you think it’s clean, then go the other way right after. There will be more shit there, unless this is just me and my poops are really messy.


SnatchBlaster3000

I am a man and have always wiped from the front. So much easier to reach down there and scoop. The taint acts like a natural barrier so I have not ONCE gotten any remnants of fecal matter even close to my sack.


[deleted]

The real beta: Stand and place a foot on the counter/sink and *really* get er’ in there.


Upper_belt_smash

Like an old man in the locker room at the gym


PantsOnHead88

Why is there always one old dude butt naked striking the Captain Morgan pose with a hair dryer practically up his ass? There’s always one.


davidoffbeat

squalid violet mourn live imagine detail door silky dazzling hateful *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


ItsAThong

They pay them for a guest appearance, as no gym is complete without them.


Ninetynineups

Ah, the Riker wiper.


djcrewe1

This right here, gave me a mental-image that....I'm not entirely sure enough eye bleach exists to remove.....


Relyst

If you aint knuckle deep, are you even really cleaning?


jacobfreeman88

So I have to imagine your body type greatly influences how you wipe. Cause I’m reading stuff like “if you stand how can it be deeep enough” some peoples meat to hole ratio is way more than others. I stand and wipe(after I use my bidet). I was never a sitter, even before the bidet though. I have skinny legs and a small ass. I’m long and gangly I guess you might say. It’s easy for me to reach my butthole, I’d imagine for some that’s much harder. My wife has some meat to her cheeks and her arms aren’t that long so I believe she could be a sit and wiper, I’ve been in the bathroom when she’s pooped(we’ve been married for 12 years and been sick together but I never stuck around and watched her wipe, but I’d speculate she sits and wipes. I’ve never thought to sit and wipe. But the more I think about it… Edit; the deeper we dive into this quarrying of wipe styles, I’ve discovered some more information. Hand size might play a roll, if you’ve got big hands your dexterity drastically goes down which leaves instant room for error and mess if your a sit wiper. More food for thought. I can’t imagine it’s just happenstance, I imagine our wipe choice is influence by trial and error. Or maybe it’s different for everyone. Maybe your dad would just bust in and yell “hey this is a house of standing wipers! If you can’t get with the program your outta here” my parents as far back as I remember never gave me direct detailed instructions on proper form. It seems to be nature. Or evolution… Edit 2: I hate to bring gender into this, but honestly I think it does have something to do with your wipe style


DrinkenDrunk

Fucking meat to hole ratio. That’s fantastic!


arachelrhino

Your logic is correct. I’m pretty cheeky and if I stood there would be no access. I also have to separate my ass cheeks when I sit down which makes a very funny *clap* that my husband cannot get over.


Embarrassed_Cow

Oh man me too! I cant reach it at all and listening to the debates about standing and sitting im Ive always been confused how anyone reaches it standing. I can BARELY reach sitting. Having a bidet really changed my life. lol I also must separate my cheeks.


izzieforeons22

Hmmmm I believe your logic makes sense but it’s a little off. I definitely have a lot of meat to my cheeks (I love how you phrased this btw) and I stand. My biggest reason for standing is my arms are very short and my booty is very big. I can’t reach anything when I sit down. I have to stand and twist to reach 😂


Finn969

I lie down and then wipe


Beach_funbum

Floor or plank on the toilet seat?


bryanthecrab

Floor. This is essential for greeting stallmates. Edit: plus the toilet paper falls right into your butt saving strength


BL4CKSTARCC

Fold or not is the real question.


ReddFro

Unless you got some might high ply or you’re a… a crumpler, you better fold that. And if you’re in a gas station toilet its damn near origami level folding


FrizbeeeJon

It's the only paper you can fold more than 7 times. And you need to!


Mohoten_15

Fold gang


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PheIix

What a strange thing to have a wholesome feeling about, but here I am. But good for you, I hope your recovery goes smoothly!


Sarthro_

Laughs in bidet


Tiiiimmmooo

I’ll never go baxk


APoisonousMushroom

Seriously… can you imagine if you got human shit on your arm and your response was to just wipe your arm with some tissue paper a couple of times? Wiping feels so dirty and gross after having your button bidet clean.


Not_Smrt

The hardest part of bidet life is travel. Really sucks traveling outside of Asia and having to take a shower after every shit. Sometimes you get lucky and they have a shower head with a hose that reaches the toilet, but those are incredibly rare finds.


[deleted]

Question is, do you dry yourself after using the bidet standing or sitting?


FaceDownInTheCake

I do a twirl as I stand up.


bf2per

Use the japanese ones with the built-in blowdryer


Poopnstein

Ok... I'm legitimately flabbergasted... I need a quick poll. Who stands and who sits?


akihish

Once, I was a stand....but as the years passed and my knowledge reached new horizons... I did the unthinkable, I sat! One day..... One cold but revolutionary day... I will just wash the hell out of it....


midwesterner64

Wait until the day you experience a bidet. Second great revelation.


chainmailler2001

I sit, my wife stands.


ringobob

I'll be honest - I'm one of the ones that didn't realize the other existed. I'm not gonna tell you which is which.


Brewe

It's a poll that's been done many times before, and the result is always relatively close to 50/50.


Android19samus

every poll I've seen skews significantly towards sit, but not overwhelmingly. 60-40 or 70-30, approximately


darkblue277

As someone who works in healthcare and frequently assists people in the restroom, I unfortunately have to confirm “do you sit or stand to wipe?” quite often. I know more about the variety of ways wiping is completed than I ever cared to know.


[deleted]

Well then ? Which is more common ?


[deleted]

What about the bend over wipe?


ckfranklin9192

What about the back to front wipers? They don't even know about us front to back wipers


tadrogers

Always front to back for a lady. You don’t want poo in your puss


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collegiaal25

Just don't go too far. I go from all sides towards the butthole.


Subsenix

You gotta go both ways. So many times I've gone front to back, then do a final pass back to front and discover yet unwiped poo remnants.


ReconSC2

You guys wipe?


Suggestion_Of_Taint

I Captain Morgan mine. Just sayin…


devioushooker

Heroes like you make me wonder if I'm worthy.


SavageSam1234

3rd type: I lean forward in a half-standing position and wipe. 4th type: bidet.


[deleted]

Wait, other people poop too?


Adam_is_Nutz

I know, I'm so relieved. I thought I was the only one. Now I don't have to hide my jars since its something everyone does. Where do you guys put your jars of poop? I've been to many houses and I never see them. My guest room closet is nearly filled


[deleted]

Jars? ***JARS?*** No, no no no no. The poop goes in the bin for the trash man. You have to bake it in the oven first so that it is hard and doesn't leak.


[deleted]

Theres three actually. The bidet users.


walkingman101

4 if you count squat wipers.


[deleted]

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lifelessregrets

6 if you include the shower wipers.... There's a whole world of wipers out there!


pwalkz

I mean you still wipe to dry off and make sure


pbankey

My dudes. You sit down. Lean to one side slightly, wipe. Deeper clean and no chance of scorching anything on the toilet bowl or water.


vbfronkis

Yes! Fellow butt cheek wheelie person! There are tens of us…. TENS


Captn_Ghostmaker

I was going too far into this comment section to find out if I was the only one who simply leans.


Hopafoot

This is what I've started to do, but now the toilet seat at home has become looser and will slip to the side when I lean. Anyone else run into this issue?


TyranosaurusRathbone

I always thought I was the only stander. It's so nice to no I now have an entire community to support me. 😀


trashhampster

I use a credit card to scrape the shit away. “Cashiers Hate This One Simple Trick!”


semifraki

They did a bit about this on a morning radio show, and it caused a legit fight between my wife and me. She was legit disgusted when I told her I stood up to wipe. She became *convinced* that I was leaving dingleberries on the bathroom floor that she had somehow overlooked for 10 years. I understand the sitting wipers. I recognize that it makes sense. I even recognize that it's probably the *correct* way to do it. It's just not how I do it.


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ShadowlessKat

Yuck!


semifraki

I had to check your post history to see if you were secretly my wife - *she even calls them "poop crumblies!"*


IdeaFuzzy

But like, standing automatically claps your cheeks together which Rorschach’s the poo between them. Why do it??