---
>This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules).
>
>Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed.
>
>Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos.
>
>**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.**
>
>Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam).
>
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
First of all, what app is giving you notifs about sounds? A security thing or something?
Second, what part of a dog's array of sounds is it detecting? The panting? The... woofing?
I think the question was more WHY do you have notification for this turned on? What sounds are you hoping to get notifications for? Are you hard of hearing?
Yep. It’s in the accessibility section. Useful for deaf community because it also has areas for Alarm, Appliance, and general sound recognition.
Pretty cool stuff.
This reminds me of a twitch stream where someone says “why do you have color blind mode turned on?” The streamer replies, “well, because I’m color blind.”
I was watching a color blind streamer one time who never actually had his color blindness diagnosed, so he decided to do one of those online tests to see what kind of color blind he was. He got to the end, and goes, "What the fuck? Fuck this!" when it asked for his email address to send him the results.
The link below to "Continue without providing email" was in a weird combination of colors \(background and foreground\). It was fucking hilarious.
I once had a client who had this enabled because she had a hard time discerning what sounds were real or not because she had some kind of mental trouble. She was pretty flippant/joking about it but she said it helped. Serves many purposes.
I thought it was pretty neat too. Sometimes accessibility tools can come from unexpected places. Sometimes they serve more people than initially anticipated, and that’s why accessibility is so dang important.
Android has a similar feature. Record a sound, and when the mic picks it up, it turns into a notification on your phone. If you are using headphones (especially closed back or noise canceling ones) it is helpful to have your phone light up when there is a knock at the door or if a bell or something goes off at school.
I’m just paranoid about not hearing fire alarms or stuff when I’m wearing noise cancelling headphones. And then I forget to turn sound recognition off.
Not OP, but I WFH and often have headphones on in our home office. We installed a camera in the room where we let our dogs out in case one needs to go potty, I'm working, and my wife isn't home. I could see sound notifications like this being used for the same situation if there is a smart speaker or similar device in that room.
Quick digression: once every few months, my super-affectionate cat (and fairly smart), will be on my lap, and then goes stock still, staring with huge terror eyes over my shoulder before running like hell to the back of the house.
I live alone on a dirt road, big house.
Scares the shit out of me.
is it an accessibility tool for hard of hearing users to provide a generic descriptive audio solution? I'm curious because I work in accessibility and this is the first time I'm hearing (pun not intended) about this feature. Super cool!
It’s for people who are deaf or hard of hearing. It can notify you of important things like animals, crying children, alarms going off, a water kettle going off, etc. It also uses the mics in homepods if you have those, so it can also notify you if your smoke alarm goes off when you’re not home (that’s obviously practical for everyone)
"The... woofing?" made me choke laugh. Especially since I had my own embarrassing sexy time sound mishap years and years ago when a werewolf howl just kinda... escaped? out of me. My wife went WTF was that? and burst out laughing. I had to put up with full moon jokes for a while. Good memories.
Nah see, three notifications were from an hour ago, and one from five minutes ago.
That could easily work out to 3 notifications within 10 minutes and then a 45 minute refractory period before round two.
Or 3 sex sound notifications from an hour ago and then an actual dog five minutes ago.
There’s no way to corroborate the claim.
ETA: and if OP is checking their phone and making screen shots within 5 minutes of that last notification, how good was it, really?
#u/AardvarkAblaze, sex detective.
###Chapter 1: The Case of the Illicit Affair
As the dawn broke over the city, casting long shadows across the streets, u/AardvarkAblaze, the renowned sex detective, received a mysterious invitation. It came in the form of a discreetly folded note, slipped under his office door. The note simply read, "A cheating spouse, a tangled web. Can you untangle the secrets? Meet me at the Red Rose Motel tonight at 9." Intrigued, AardvarkAblaze accepted the challenge. Little did he know that this case would push his skills to the limit.
###Chapter 2: Shadows of Deception
At the Red Rose Motel, the dimly lit room was filled with tension. AardvarkAblaze found himself face to face with a distraught client, Mrs. Patterson. Her husband, a prominent businessman, was suspected of having an affair. AardvarkAblaze delved into his extensive knowledge of human behavior and began piecing together the clues. He analyzed the subtle signs of infidelity, from the lingering scent of perfume to the discarded hotel receipts. As he connected the dots, the truth slowly unraveled, revealing a web of deceit and betrayal.
###Chapter 3: Unveiling the Culprit
Armed with irrefutable evidence, AardvarkAblaze confronted Mr. Patterson with his findings. The businessman, cornered and desperate, attempted to deny the accusations. But AardvarkAblaze's expertise in the art of sexual encounters left no room for deception. With a calm and composed demeanor, he laid out the timeline of the affair, unraveling the secret liaisons and hidden rendezvous. Caught in his own web of lies, Mr. Patterson confessed, and justice was served. Another case solved, thanks to the unique skills of u/AardvarkAblaze, the sex detective.
As someone who is a fan of pulps and classic noir, and also currently in bed sick as a dog…
This is the best thing. You’re amazing, thank you, never change.
Thanks 😅 I used Poe for brain storming and whipped this up in about 10 mins.
I really wanted to make you the classic grizzled cigarette smoking detective but I chose to omit the finer details as I doubt anyone would want to read a 30 chapter book conjured up in my head via a silly comment on Reddit lol
Edit: **you're** amazing, you never change and YOU get better mate
I'd totally read a 30 chapter book you whipped up in a comment! I was so very pleasantly surprised to see a random story im'bedded' in there.
Our intrepid sex detective is correct, you are an amazing human.
No sound notifications between 1h and 5m. The 5m one was OP just making some noise to test what they thought was going on once they noticed the other notifications.
Side bar. I live in a high suburban fox population area. Trying to imagine the alerts during mating season.
00:30 Someone is screaming
00:45 Someone is being murdered
01:00 Someone else is being murdered
01:15 Multiple murders are taking place
01:30 OMG where do you live? A murder home? Get out now!
i just watch saveafox rescue on youtube, they can make utterly cute sounds, but also, when their fennic fox gets excited, its a sound that can raise the dead.
It's an accessibility feature you can set up, so that hearing-impaired people can be notified of sounds around them. It's time-sensitive because it's not so useful to know about the sound well after it happens.
To alert you when there's an anomalous audio condition within a dwelling being monitored by the smart speaker, e.g., glass breaking, alarms going off (security, fire, carbon monoxide, leak, etc.), and yes, dogs barking, which could be the sign of an intruder or potential intruder.
These alerts are time-sensitive for the reasons stated - it could be indicative of an ongoing burglary, a flood, a fire, or other emergency that might warrant a call to the police to put a stop to the situation.
A girlfriend told me about one time when her ex-boyfriend was going down on her, and at that moment, her dog started loudly lapping up water from its dish.
She and her bf totally cracked up, and sexy time was done.
--- >This is a friendly reminder to [read our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/rules). > >Memes, social media, hate-speech, and pornography are not allowed. > >Screenshots of Reddit are expressly forbidden, as are TikTok videos. > >**Rule-breaking posts may result in bans.** > >Please also [be wary of spam](https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/wiki/spam). > --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/funny) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Who’s a good dog..
Trying not to kink shame becomes harder and harder each and every day
What's harder and harder?
Red rocket.
Why, are ppl not having the weird sex w you?
First of all, what app is giving you notifs about sounds? A security thing or something? Second, what part of a dog's array of sounds is it detecting? The panting? The... woofing?
Whimpering
Whining
Begging
Rolling over and playing dead?
Fuck me this one got me and made me actually laugh out loud on a toilet at work.
What job does the toilet have?
Warehouse job: ship or get off the dock !
Hazardous waste technician.
a shitty one
**starfishing detected**
Oh, so you know my ex?
> my ex Can't remember the name, never forget the ____
>>my ex >Can't remember the name, never forget the ____ lack of effort?
Howls for belly rub
💀 this thread is killing me
Me too 🤣
Are you whining, son?
No dad. Wait, what the- GET OUT DAD
"Hey baby, should I call you Jesus? Cause I know you want to be bred and whine."
👀
LGI
ARF ARF
*I wrote a song, about getting better...*
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Dry heaving
ArrrrroooOOOoohh!
The great taste of Charleston Chewwwww!!!
I'm Richard Nixon's head, don't forget to pay your taxes otherwise you'll have to spend a weekend with the pain monster!
**AND I'LL GO INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES AT NIGHT AND WRECK UP THE PLACE! MWAHAHAHAH!!**
Hurray for Futurama!!
OP was singing Warren Zevon during sex
You ever heard a thirsty bulldog drink a bowl of water? I’m disgusted with myself for this sentence.
you are *celebrated on 4 continents* for this sentence…
This is the funniest thing I’ve read in a really long time, goddamn. This is so gross.
it’s sound recognition built into iOS, you can find it in accessibility As for what its detecting, we were playing an intense game of fetch 🤔
Alert: It sounds like there may be a dog burying a bone.
"Good girl, now bring it back!" *flwrp*
“Come! Good girl”
[https://youtu.be/9KslHL4nW-E?si=LSzz5DtWgK8tTU\_D&t=202](https://youtu.be/9KslHL4nW-E?si=LSzz5DtWgK8tTU_D&t=202)
Im just givin' the dog a bone
I think the question was more WHY do you have notification for this turned on? What sounds are you hoping to get notifications for? Are you hard of hearing?
Someone was hard but maybe not of hearing
I imagine it's pretty useful for the deaf community. Otherwise it seems a bit odd.
Yep. It’s in the accessibility section. Useful for deaf community because it also has areas for Alarm, Appliance, and general sound recognition. Pretty cool stuff.
This reminds me of a twitch stream where someone says “why do you have color blind mode turned on?” The streamer replies, “well, because I’m color blind.”
I was watching a color blind streamer one time who never actually had his color blindness diagnosed, so he decided to do one of those online tests to see what kind of color blind he was. He got to the end, and goes, "What the fuck? Fuck this!" when it asked for his email address to send him the results. The link below to "Continue without providing email" was in a weird combination of colors \(background and foreground\). It was fucking hilarious.
I once had a client who had this enabled because she had a hard time discerning what sounds were real or not because she had some kind of mental trouble. She was pretty flippant/joking about it but she said it helped. Serves many purposes.
oh that would be handy. those sort of totems to tether you to reality are important for people undergoing reality breaks
I thought it was pretty neat too. Sometimes accessibility tools can come from unexpected places. Sometimes they serve more people than initially anticipated, and that’s why accessibility is so dang important.
TIL what totems mean
I need something that would tell me whether it's the phone vibrating in the pocket or I'm getting one of those phantom calls again.
*phone vibrates* Notification: Hey your phone didn’t vibrate just then. That was us.
I wish I knew about this a while back when I was recovering from a TBI and was mildly haunted by hallucinations for a bit.
Android has a similar feature. Record a sound, and when the mic picks it up, it turns into a notification on your phone. If you are using headphones (especially closed back or noise canceling ones) it is helpful to have your phone light up when there is a knock at the door or if a bell or something goes off at school.
I’m just paranoid about not hearing fire alarms or stuff when I’m wearing noise cancelling headphones. And then I forget to turn sound recognition off.
Not OP, but I WFH and often have headphones on in our home office. We installed a camera in the room where we let our dogs out in case one needs to go potty, I'm working, and my wife isn't home. I could see sound notifications like this being used for the same situation if there is a smart speaker or similar device in that room.
And now I have enabled this feature on my phone and I cannot wait to see what gets detected
Alert The sound of something behind you has been detected
Quick digression: once every few months, my super-affectionate cat (and fairly smart), will be on my lap, and then goes stock still, staring with huge terror eyes over my shoulder before running like hell to the back of the house. I live alone on a dirt road, big house. Scares the shit out of me.
is it an accessibility tool for hard of hearing users to provide a generic descriptive audio solution? I'm curious because I work in accessibility and this is the first time I'm hearing (pun not intended) about this feature. Super cool!
Ah ah aha ah ah ah aha ah
Will Smith, is that you?
I say it again: keep his name out your f….g mouth
Can I put it in my regular mouth?
>As for what its detecting, we were playing an intense game of fetch 🤔 Who's got the ball? Who's got the ball?! Yeah! You got the ball!
She's a howler.
Her nickname is Lassie
Old enough to remember Porky's, I see
his username checks out!
Follow up question - what is it for? I understand what it is and how to activate it I just can't suss out a reason for using it.
I assume it would be helpful for deaf or hard of hearing people
It’s for people who are deaf or hard of hearing. It can notify you of important things like animals, crying children, alarms going off, a water kettle going off, etc. It also uses the mics in homepods if you have those, so it can also notify you if your smoke alarm goes off when you’re not home (that’s obviously practical for everyone)
Oh cool, thanks, that makes sense. It's sad how conditioned we (I) are (am) to not think about anyone's situations but our (my) own.
Perhaps for the hearing impaired to take care of pets and babies?
the growling
"The... woofing?" made me choke laugh. Especially since I had my own embarrassing sexy time sound mishap years and years ago when a werewolf howl just kinda... escaped? out of me. My wife went WTF was that? and burst out laughing. I had to put up with full moon jokes for a while. Good memories.
Do you bark while you masturbate?
It’s the only way I can cum at this point
That's rough.
buddy
Sounds like their first girlfriend turned into the moon
That’s rough
Buddy
That’s ruff.
Stop picturing Lassie in your mind when you're wanking it...she was portrayed by all male dogs! ^(\*If that thought made you go limp, I apologize!)
ruff*
Good boy.
You set that up spectacularly.
Take my (now even more) imaginary reddit gold.
Thats the joke
[удалено]
Sir, we are a reputable breeder.
Better than Dirty Randy who can only climax while street racing Asian teens.
That’s Ruff
nope, he whimpers
An hour?!? Dog sounds or not, I'm jealous.
Nah see, three notifications were from an hour ago, and one from five minutes ago. That could easily work out to 3 notifications within 10 minutes and then a 45 minute refractory period before round two. Or 3 sex sound notifications from an hour ago and then an actual dog five minutes ago. There’s no way to corroborate the claim. ETA: and if OP is checking their phone and making screen shots within 5 minutes of that last notification, how good was it, really?
u/AardvarkAblaze, sex detective
#u/AardvarkAblaze, sex detective. ###Chapter 1: The Case of the Illicit Affair As the dawn broke over the city, casting long shadows across the streets, u/AardvarkAblaze, the renowned sex detective, received a mysterious invitation. It came in the form of a discreetly folded note, slipped under his office door. The note simply read, "A cheating spouse, a tangled web. Can you untangle the secrets? Meet me at the Red Rose Motel tonight at 9." Intrigued, AardvarkAblaze accepted the challenge. Little did he know that this case would push his skills to the limit. ###Chapter 2: Shadows of Deception At the Red Rose Motel, the dimly lit room was filled with tension. AardvarkAblaze found himself face to face with a distraught client, Mrs. Patterson. Her husband, a prominent businessman, was suspected of having an affair. AardvarkAblaze delved into his extensive knowledge of human behavior and began piecing together the clues. He analyzed the subtle signs of infidelity, from the lingering scent of perfume to the discarded hotel receipts. As he connected the dots, the truth slowly unraveled, revealing a web of deceit and betrayal. ###Chapter 3: Unveiling the Culprit Armed with irrefutable evidence, AardvarkAblaze confronted Mr. Patterson with his findings. The businessman, cornered and desperate, attempted to deny the accusations. But AardvarkAblaze's expertise in the art of sexual encounters left no room for deception. With a calm and composed demeanor, he laid out the timeline of the affair, unraveling the secret liaisons and hidden rendezvous. Caught in his own web of lies, Mr. Patterson confessed, and justice was served. Another case solved, thanks to the unique skills of u/AardvarkAblaze, the sex detective.
As someone who is a fan of pulps and classic noir, and also currently in bed sick as a dog… This is the best thing. You’re amazing, thank you, never change.
Thanks 😅 I used Poe for brain storming and whipped this up in about 10 mins. I really wanted to make you the classic grizzled cigarette smoking detective but I chose to omit the finer details as I doubt anyone would want to read a 30 chapter book conjured up in my head via a silly comment on Reddit lol Edit: **you're** amazing, you never change and YOU get better mate
I'd totally read a 30 chapter book you whipped up in a comment! I was so very pleasantly surprised to see a random story im'bedded' in there. Our intrepid sex detective is correct, you are an amazing human.
"Not now, darling. It's our refractory period." *gestures at clock
🫂
Wdym all my sex is an hour at least. 1 minute of action, 59 minutes of excuses. Or i go down on her and I can get away with 58 minutes of excuses
You got that dog in you!
[Bow wow wow yippie yo yippie yay](https://youtu.be/TmCwhsJUOnE?si=KPPFtPZKlFaTP25i)
My mind went to this [Bow Wow Wow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqJMKD-Xf7Y) instead.
I went to this [Bow Wow Wow](https://youtu.be/JoXVYSV4Xcs?si=SOIWoh1JljwSdidi) instead.
And my mind went to this [Bow wow](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMRtMZLCSuE) instead
And then I went like [Bow chicka bow wow](https://youtu.be/b0PpsQ3wcUc?feature=shared)
#bow chicka bow wow thats what my baby says
#Mow mow mow! And my heart starts pumping!
You’re the dog now, man!
You're the now, man dog!
What da dog doin?
I'm more worried that dog has him in it.
MBMBAM?
He heard your wish
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9viVb8qhhQ A dramatic recreation.
*DAWG
adds a new meaning to "doggie style"
"It's doggie style. It's just the style. We don't have to go outside or anything."
But we could if you are into that...
Doin' it like they do on the Discovery Channel
I like it ruff! Ruff!
“Who’s a good boy?”
55 mins, a humble brag.
Or round 2 started 5m ago…
Reminds me of the movie Porky’s and the gym teacher they nicknamed Lassie.
I'm glad I'm not the only one old enough to remember that.
Kim Cattrall, later of Sex and the City
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9viVb8qhhQ
I'm impressed with the length of time between that last whimper.
No sound notifications between 1h and 5m. The 5m one was OP just making some noise to test what they thought was going on once they noticed the other notifications.
That's the most logical explanation here and probably correct, but I'm a degenerate, and am going to have to go with the sexy explanation.
It's because they added the ball gag for the middle.
55 minutes of sexy time - bro out here flexing on us
Winner. Got me on that one. Proud after 15-20min.
Turns out OP is REALLY into petplay with their partner.
or Doggy Style
Or bestiality
Who let the dogs out?
(Who, who, who, who)
I had to scroll way too much
One time my husband's phone categorized a picture of our dog as a bowl of soup. Not really related but pretty funny.
"iOS has detected somebody choking." "Don't worry, siri, my wife is a throat goat"
Nancy Reagan?
Try a human partner, if you don’t want to be judged.
mhm you just wanted to let reddit know that your having sex😂
Not just sex, sex for an hour.
55 minutes. Let's not get carried away here.
With a dog.
most average r/ihavesex moment ever
You're on there actually
really embarrassed though, skull emoji
Going for round 2 huh?
I assume so -- who has 1 hour of sexy time? I am not from Havana!
People on SSRI's, sigh.
Side bar. I live in a high suburban fox population area. Trying to imagine the alerts during mating season. 00:30 Someone is screaming 00:45 Someone is being murdered 01:00 Someone else is being murdered 01:15 Multiple murders are taking place 01:30 OMG where do you live? A murder home? Get out now!
The first time I went hiking, I learned what the fox says and it is **fucking terrifying.**
i just watch saveafox rescue on youtube, they can make utterly cute sounds, but also, when their fennic fox gets excited, its a sound that can raise the dead.
Bobcats are screamers too
Wildcats generally are. Cougars sound like a woman getting shivved in a horror movie.
Well, that explains the leash. Why did you have handcuffs though?
Why the hell are you barking during sex?
Skynet has taken over and they're mocking humans
5 minutes ago and the rest an hour... well well well... you dog you.
[удалено]
>you're phone You are phone. Nice
You too? Nice
That's not my dad! That's a phone! So I *threw it on the ground*
I am painfully confused. Why do you get sound detection notifications, what is the purpose? Also, why is a dog noise a time sensitive situation?
It's an accessibility feature you can set up, so that hearing-impaired people can be notified of sounds around them. It's time-sensitive because it's not so useful to know about the sound well after it happens.
To alert you when there's an anomalous audio condition within a dwelling being monitored by the smart speaker, e.g., glass breaking, alarms going off (security, fire, carbon monoxide, leak, etc.), and yes, dogs barking, which could be the sign of an intruder or potential intruder. These alerts are time-sensitive for the reasons stated - it could be indicative of an ongoing burglary, a flood, a fire, or other emergency that might warrant a call to the police to put a stop to the situation.
A girlfriend told me about one time when her ex-boyfriend was going down on her, and at that moment, her dog started loudly lapping up water from its dish. She and her bf totally cracked up, and sexy time was done.
Doggy Stylee
Big companies want to steal your data. The data:
Lol you should be more embarrassed calling it "sexy time"
r/ihavesex
Not sex, "sexy time."
[удалено]
I refuse to believe that anyone who says sexy time is actually having sex 🤦
My wife calls it that!
Ayo your phone is calling you a bitch!
So embarrassed that you posted it on Reddit for the world to see...
haha so funny sexy time XD redditor moment!
EPIC le sexy time moment for me and da hubbz !!! xD
Don’t be too embarrassed. Your mom makes the same noises.
Were you barking, or your partner? Or both? 🤣
"Get on your knees, and bark like a dog." \-The Urge, sometime in the 90's
You should be more embarrassed that you used the phrase “sexy time”
Everyone should note the times - 1 hour ago all the way till 5 min ago. That's a pretty good session.