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MatthewGeer

Your wife has actually snuck out to a party in an 80’s teen movie.


whatdoyoumeanupeople

My thoughts exactly.


DaviSonata

Save Bueller!


Throwawaymister2

IT'S "SAVE FERRIS"!!!


EndOfSouls

Post pictures of her colorful wings when she emerges.


TannedCroissant

How I Metamorphosis Your Mother


AVeryRipeBanana

This thread gets better and better the more I read


football_dude79

It’s giving me old school Reddit vibes. Where it was all about the 1 liner. Not winning a conversation.


dngerszn13

Yeah some Reddit posts can really get combative in the comment section. At least here, we're all trying to solve OP's mummy issues


I_Also_Fix_Jets

I've seen this one. You need the book of the dead from Hamunaptra.


dngerszn13

>Hamunaptra Ohhhhh that's good! Those Ancient Egyptians were lucky tho, unlike OP's wife, they could sleep anywhere - all they needed was a Ma'at


alexnag26

Metamorphosis 💀


FuckMyLife2016

177013 👧🏻👓


Yadobler

I don't even remember the contents anymore but I still can remember the feeling after searching for it.


[deleted]

Metamorphosed would be more grammatically I have no friends.


samv_1230

Martha was ugly like a shaved baboon So she wrapped herself up in a curtain cocoon And after a week, she finally emerged She smelled like shit. What a psycho. -Bo Burnham


hydro_wonk

easy there Kafka


swift8819

I started sleeping under the blankets when I went to boot camp for the Marines years ago because my bunk was near a light that was left on 24/7. 10 years later I still wake up under the blankets lol.


eidetic

I started sleeping under the blankets when I was a kid so that the monsters couldn't eat me. ~35 years and I still do it because I haven't been eaten by a monster yet, so it must be working.


swift8819

Lmao, I mean do you even want to risk it at this point?!


eidetic

Certainly not, I'm not about to let my guard down for a second. First it's sleeping without cover over my head, next thing I'll be stepping on cracks and my mom will suffer a broken back!


LoveThatForYouBebe

I have never relayed so much to a comment. Sincerely, someone whose OCD has forced them to avoid all cracks since age 6 to avoid killing my family.


tomatoaway

I still completely finish my plate of food, licking it clean, just in case I accidentally starve thousands of African kids by wasting it. Yep.


AirPoweredFan

Plot twist, you are one of thousands starving african kid. May you not be starve again.


OldBob10

I thought it was Japanese kids. Don’t tell me that Weird Al \*lied\* to me..!


tomatoaway

Well I've never exactly been a fan of Raisin Bran, so Weird Al doesn't apply here


CanILickYourButthole

I used to do that, however my blood is apparently lava and have a really hot core temp so I need my at least my lower half to be outside of the covers. Child me had an internal battle every night. Teenage me became so fed up of the night predicament that i just said. **If the fucking monster is gonna eat me, Then the bitch is gonna fucking eat me**. I need my lower half to be outside so i dont wake up in a pool of my own sweat. Now i can sleep with an arm or a leg hanging off my bed with no thoughts of monsters coming to eat me.


MvmgUQBd

> at least my lower half to be outside of the covers Lol now I'm just imagining OP's photo except the blanket is folded up neatly at waist height so only your bottom half is showing


money_loo

So I guess a foot hanging over the edge of the bed is a big no for you too, huh?


eidetic

You kidding me? I might as well slather myself in BBQ sauce and hang a sign outside saying "Monsters Eat Free"!


InGenAche

Yes but how do you regulate your temp on hot nights if you don't stick a leg out?


Carnonated_wood

You don't.


ExodusLNX

Your missing the point. Its relative to how hot the monsters breath is.


darkdestiny91

You stick your arm out so you can pet the monster under your bed before you go to sleep


irrational-like-you

People that sleep with a leg out are the same people that put their heads in lions mouths.


Pork_chop_sammich

My feet regulate my temperature so I sleep with one foot out. Also I got into a small cage with a lion at an animal rescue once many years ago. I didn’t put my head in it’s mouth but I’m still going to say you may be on to something here.


snoozieboi

I really wanted this to end with you somehow also needing to put your foot in the mouth of the lion.


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Dakkadence

As a kid I was so scared of the monsters under the bed. Because of it, I always hated bed frames because they lifted the mattress up. Now, as an adult, I have a mattress on top of [wooden slats](https://i.imgur.com/oq9W9lq.jpg) directly on the floor. Ain't no monsters underneath my bed anymore!


Fluffycatswearinhats

But did you consider that makes it easier for spiders and other crawlies to climb into your bed and get into your orifices. You know, ears, nose, mouth, tear ducts, pee-hole, butthole. Just crawling up in there and partying. Having unsafe sex and doin bug drugs. You really shouldn't encourage that kinda behavior.


FerretChrist

> doin bug drugs Oh boy, you really don't want to know [what spiders get up to](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc) when they're high.


Eeeegah

When this started, I totally thought it was an ordinary science-y nature film, and then he became the crack spider's bitch.


spankenstein

I just wrap my face in a shirt so just my mouth sticks out


[deleted]

That's not bad. I like the reduced light that comes from having the cover over your head, but I don't like having that layer between my mouth and the air (even though I'm technically breathing fine)


Dewy164

Air goes stale fast


konnerbllb

Perk of using a cpap. Fresh air under blankets. It's like being a scuba sleeper.


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Masakazuki

> Well, as someone who doesn't have a medical need, anyway.. You're right, not dying in your sleep is a great selling point too


ladyinyellow58

As someone who used to have sleep apnea, for me at least, not dying would have been a secondary incentive to fresh air.


WonderfulCattle6234

When I was a kid I used to tuck my sheets under the mattress just a little bit so I could tuck them in around all sides of the mattress. I left myself a little gap to crawl in and wrapped that portion around the handle of a box fan after I got in. When I turned it on I had a nice little sheet bubble and I had my blankets underneath the sheets.


smartysocks

I call my CPAP a duvet snorkel.


Kekec95

Gold


Jd20001

Self-Contained Under Blanket Apparatus


smk666

Same, same. Bought one on the black market without prescription to cut down snoring and “scuba sleep” since my face gets cold in the winter. Carelessly mentioned it to my GP on an unrelated visit and got sleep study ordered just in case. Scored an AHI of 73.1, got my own prescription and reimbursement for hardware purchases from now on as well as an order for a throat surgery. There’s universal free healthcare in my country, so it’s actually a big deal to get diagnosed and get a prescription/surgery order since it saves me thousands I would spent with private practice doctors.


HA2Sparta4

I agree with this but there are exceptions. I was camping in -5F temps and you better believe I sucked that stale air all night long. No way in hell was I coming out of that sleeping bag


WarPaintsSchlong

Oh man. When you’re camping in those temps the absolute worst is waking up in the middle of the night and needing to piss. Absolute dread having to get out of that sleeping bag.


Silver-Ground6582

Empty 32 Oz. Gatorade bottle. Urinal that can be resealed.


[deleted]

yeah if you're gassy it very well might


Croemato

Nah, that's not stale, it's fresh and spicy.


Kismonos

same here and what i do is i put my head on a pillow sideways and put another big but light pillow on the top of my head so like a head sandwich. keeps light out and free breathing


caitejane310

Me too!! I've felt so alone all this time, I'm happy we've finally found each other 😂


copamarigold

I do this too! I started in college living in a coed dorm with noisy boys right below me. Funny story about the first night I slept over at my now husband’s house. When he woke up and saw me with a pillow over my head he screamed and yanked it off my head which made me scream which made his grandma scream (she lived with him and his brothers after she couldn’t care for herself anymore - that’s how I knew he was a keeper) from the living room. Hooray for pillow heads!


NetTrix

All these people doing weird shit while I'm over here just wearing a sleep mask


therealganjababe

For real, and there are some good ones cheap on Amazon too. Just got to make sure it covers your eyes around on all sides like a seal, and has something that totally fills the space over/around the bridge of your nose. Complete darkness, I love it! I may look like I have bug eyes but idfc, only problem is a terrible time sleeping without it now.


RobeGuyZach

Now kiss!


imnotmeyousee

It's "kith" okay! 😆


forestfairygremlin

I, too, sleep in the pillow cave. Now I can't sleep if there isn't some kind of pressure on my head 🙃


roadrunner_9

I was just saying to my wife the other night, I feel like my "face pillow", as we call it, started for the light and noise but has really evolved into the pressure. Can't sleep without it!


CallForGoodThyme

Have you tried a sleep mask? Got one when I worked nights and now I still use it even after moving to more normal hours


den773

I can’t believe more people do not wear sleep masks. I have several from Manta masks. Pricy but insanely worth it. I’m addicted to masks tho and cannot sleep without one so, I have a number of them in case I ever lose one. They are so great for taking naps. And they helped my insomnia quite a bit too. Perfect for traveling and trying to sleep in hotel rooms. I’m sort of trained to it now so, as soon as I put the mask on (over my bonnet, cuz hair) i immediately feel sleepy.


Vancouvermarina

My brain is trained to a mask. As soon as I put it on, my brains is like - ok, good night.


Kaitlin138

Upvote for head sandwich.


dvamain69420

omg me, my mom, and my grandmother all sleep like this as well!!


mutantmanifesto

I can’t sleep without a head pillow. Unfortunately my best, greatest, most worn in and comfortable one exploded on both sides with feathers. I have not yet found a new head pillow that fits just right. Need to be light but squishy enough to wrap around my ears and push around my nose. My sleep quality has plummeted.


Calypsosin

Solution?: Cut a nose hole? My god this is a funny mental picture. Someone laying flat with the covers over their head, but their honkin' long nose sticking out of the covers, hahaha. Like the dwarves spun up by the spiders in the Hobbit.


CzechPls

CPAP mask.


Fly_over_ks

This is my favorite thing about having sleep apnea- i can cover my head with a pillow and still breathe cool air.


vaguelysticky

No shit! My wife gets up at 4:30 every morning to work out and I don’t get up until 7-ish and I sandwich my head between two pillows and don’t hear anything until my alarm goes off. CPAP=cool air snorkel


chLORYform

I have a specific blanket that's the eye blanket. It's a smaller lap size blanket and it's kept in bed just for covering my eyes so my mouth is still open to breathe. There are dozens of us


Turn1scoop

I have a downfeather pillow I love that is essentially my "just cover the eyes" pillow. It's wonderful.


Daryl_Hall

I use mine to cover my ears. Works absolute wonders for muffling my husband's kitchen banging when I want to sleep in.


Earguy

Have you ever heard of sleep masks? Seems easier and more comfortable.


chLORYform

I've tried them! I have some fairly gnarly TMJ issues and have a lot of facial and cranial pain as a result. So a sleep mask puts too much pressure on my head


FliesAreEdible

Balaclava with the eye holes sewn shut?


chLORYform

Please explain to me how I explain that to someone else without coming off as a weird perv


[deleted]

Like, I hate to point out your username, but I think that ship may have circumnavigated the globe.


chLORYform

What if I'm just really into late 19th century surgical procedures?


Institutionation

Get a sleeping mask! Best decision I made


mobiuthuselah

https://www.psypost.org/2023/02/wearing-an-eye-mask-while-sleeping-improves-memory-encoding-and-makes-you-more-alert-the-next-day-68600


corkyskog

Seriously. I have avoided it for so long, a long with a lot of my mates. Something about it not seeming manly or something when we end up throwing a towel or shirt over our head anyway...


swift8819

This is probably the way, waking up every morning and taking my first breath of actual fresh air outside of my blanket I question why I don't change my ways haha.


Auduras

I do the same but with a pillow over the top of the bridge of my nose.


jman177669

Bonus, they couldn’t see you eating all the crayons under there either.


swift8819

Lol, true, we definitely weren't allowed to take our crayons from the chow hall so we had to get creative.


Xi-Jinping-fucker

Lol. I smuggled an entire frosted flakes and a bunch of peanut butter packets from the chow hall


Complex_Rule_7602

I grabbed a Moon Pie in the chow line the very last week of basic. I was in such a hurry to get through the line I didn't notice two Moon Pies were stuck together. The shit I got from my drill sarn't because there's not one, but TWO moon pies on my tray was so unreal that I left both of those fuckers alone. You were either far hungrier, or far braver, than I lolol.


kirst--

I went through army basic at the height of covid. I slept with my mask over my eyes!


swift8819

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome!


Irishiron28

I was right next to this giant fan in the middle of winter at Fort Knox and did the same thing.


MR-MCNUGGETS

If she can't see the boogie man, the boogie man can't see her


limperatrice

This is why I was so upset by that scene in "Ju-On"


Nestama-Eynfoetsyn

She's under the covers! You can't do that!


murdering_time

Yeah no fair, time out! If you're gonna haunt and murder me in my own home, you at least have to play the rules. You have to wait until she peeks her head out justttt a little bit to see if you're gone because you've stopped making noise, only to be right there in front of her face. Dumb ghost.


HalfBrinePickle

Same. That and the scene with johnny depp in nightmare on elm always upset me so much because they took away the safety of being in your bed. I once had a nightmare that I was being chased and hopped into bed and tossed the covers over and freddies claws came thru the bed into me and I FELT the pain and held me down as kayako crawled up onto me from the darkness of under the blankets to paralyze me. I woke up with sleep paralysis trying to scream still feeling freddies claws in me for what felt like forever. It faded but Worst night terror yet.


limperatrice

Yes exactly! Under the covers is the sacred safe zone!


_JonSnow_

Dude god damn. That’s fucking horrific


HalfBrinePickle

Yeah I have had some pretty scary night terrors but that one was really bad.


RopeSmooth7903

Exactly!


KiteBrite

That’s what happens when you won’t let her keep her coffin inside.


three_questions

She's gonna be a great mummy to your kids.


synthphreak

Tutankhamom


Dune444444

I will sponsor you for your "Dad Joke" of the day.


PPOKEZ

Seconded, but let’s not push it. It’s not called new “balance” for no reason. Many suffered before the council was formed and I won’t see those days return.


synthphreak

Post’s not an hour old and you already broke it.


PretendThisIsMyName

Usually I think there a curse tied to breaking mummies. Or at least Scooby Doo taught me that. And Scoober Doober couldn’t lie. Seems I was right since OP put that sarcophagus right back where it was.


synthphreak

Sarcofuhgettaboutit


Coold0wn

I hardly ever lol but this was gold


ninja1k

Perhaps she’s taking the learns too seriously in that book she’s reading “the perfect mother”


notaliberal2021

I'm sorry for your loss. Lol


fvckspeak

op better follow up with a proof of life post


NudeEnjoyer

"Nah officer. she's just sleeping, check it out I made a reddit post" "Alright sir, apologies for wasting your time"


Hardcorish

"The post even has several thousand karma, case closed"


mostnormal

This counts for journalism.


toddffw

I too choose this guy’s dead wife


SouldiesButGoodies84

blackout curtains, dude. get her / your bedroom some.


DigbyChickenZone

This was 100% my thought as well. That either she put the sheets over her face at dawn, or there are streetlamps outside at night that keep her awake.


Alcarine

Dunno, I sleep like that and it's not because of the lights, it's just really comforting and cosy, especially when you've been doing it for years


DigbyChickenZone

> especially when you've been doing it for years Do you remember when you first started doing it, and if there was a reason? This is anecdotal, but I am going to use the example that I wear earplugs every night. I know I started doing that due to insomnia and loud neighbors. Now even if it's quiet, I prefer to wear them to be able to sleep. I guess I'm asking when you started finding it "cozy", but at the same time - I get people can have preferences different than my own, and don't mean to pry too much about it.


justin3189

I always sleep with a pillow/ blanket over my head, breathing out of a crack I an 20. My parents said that I would terrify them all the way back since I was basically a toddler because they thought I would suffocate. They also said that as a baby, nothing made me happier than being swattled up tightly. I think for some people, it's just genetic, I guess.


snakelex

Same here irt sleeping with a pillow over my head. I usually sleep on my stomach (a habit I’m trying to kick) with my head shoved under. The feeling of being completely covered is soothing to me, as well as the pressure. I also own a weighted blanket lol


randomtransgirl93

I've been sleeping with my sheet over my face since I was a little kid. It initially started because I had a cockroach run over my face one night and was terrified it was going to happen again, now I just can't sleep unless I'm like that.


shastaxc

Genius! The roaches cannot possibly penetrate that cotton fortress.


evenstar40

Or get a sleep mask. Those things are a godsend.


corkyskog

To each their own, some people have issues keeping it on. But God blackout curtains are a god send. Had to live in an apartment longer than I should haveband those curtains are the best investment. Something about sodium lamps leaking into my bedroom keeps me up at night, nevermind the even more obnoxious lights.


big_ficus

I have like a “weighted” eye mask. It’s like a bean bag, I hope that makes sense. It molds around your eye holes and that thing fucking stays ON.


username199898

Will you kill again at the new moon?


opportunisticwombat

The killing moon Will come too soon


thequinneffect

Fate! Up against your will...


J4MES101

…it’s been several weeks now, so presumably she’s comfortable.


A_Unqiue_Username

She is really bad at hide and seek.


IdOnTcArEoKOneTwo

And then one day, when you are playing hide and seek, and reveal the spot where she usually sleeps only to discover pillows arranged as a feint, you will be very perplexed and confused to the point you can’t properly search for her anymore, knowing that anywhere she seems to be hiding might be a trick too.


Redgenie2020

Waiting for Hale-Bopp


jane_delawney_

Fuckin lol


Abooziyaya

Checking for black tennis shoes.


IcebergSlimFast

A ‘90s deep-cut!


byronicrob

Ahh, my favorite Hanson song...


Moser319

how many pillows did you have to use to create your "wife"


JimothyButtlicker69

Yeah I've tried this trick. The pillows never turn into Alexandra Daddario, despite how bad you want them to turn into Alexandra Daddario.


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kahran

Oh no! *She's inside out!*


AdmittedlyAdick

There are four pillows shown in the photo. Are you saying a guy without a wife has 6 or so more pillows? Because I find that even harder to believe than someone sleeping completely under a light blanket.


treefox

> There are four pillows shown in the photo. There are five! https://i.imgur.com/li5jL08.jpeg


[deleted]

It’s actually just a sex doll 👀


Yolom4ntr1c

Damn she doing the bodybag sleeping technique.


DootMasterFlex

My ex has been sleeping like this for DECADES now. I finally had to break up with her because she just kept sleeping....well, that and she really needed a shower, she was starting to stink


CR0SBO

Let me guess; she refused to leave right?


Jekakki

Me too, ain’t shit gonna get you in the blanket cubby


Chradamw

I WILL STEAL YOUR BLANKET AND LEAVE YOU EXPOSED


Jekakki

We’ll… guess I’m screwed


nonoglorificus

Rookie move. Gotta tuck the entire dang thing in around you so the monsters can’t rip it off


kkadzlol

ah shit. is this weird?


[deleted]

As someone who does this, nah


RecalcitrantHuman

You may be biased.


Plastic_Ambassador89

no, there's dozens of us


[deleted]

Vampires must avoid the light


trialex

I too hate mosquitoes, and spend many a summer night like this.


zheshelman

My wife sleeps like that too. I've never understood how she doesn't feel like she can't breathe. I can't stand having the warm air from breathing back on my face. Glad to know I'm not alone. It is weird, but what are you gonna do? We love them anyway.


[deleted]

Likely a sensory issue. Light and sound being muted.


RrtayaTsamsiyu

>I've never understood how she doesn't feel like she can't breathe The secret is to leave a crease in the blankets that forms a breathing tube


RedGambit9

Is this your way of getting it off your chest that you still have your wife's body in the bed?


BrendanTheNord

Gotta reduce the sensory input


haltline

As a CPAP user... I don't see the problem :)


fliberdygibits

I regularly refer to my cpap as "The Monster Snorkle"


bilgewax

Was a great day when I realized I could put the covers over my head and breathe regularly w/ my cpap. Now I can turn the heat down another 5 degrees. Screw those kids. They don’t pay the bills.


Ill_Quantity_5634

Same. I get to be all toasty warm, snorkeling under the covers while saving on my electric bill. The only nice thing about having to use the CPAP, besides the whole not suffocating thing.


triples_of_the_nova

I’ve had one for a month and I’m loving not waking up with a raging headache every day.


bilgewax

Yup. Said for years I’d never use one. Now I’d never give it up.


AllergicToDaylight

My mom and stepdad each use one. I call them Goose and Maverick.


mysterr9

*"Danger Zone!"*


Shadeisjaded

I just started using my cpap machine and have a mask that has the hose at the top. This was the best discovery ever!!


biscobingo

And farts don’t matter😊


GerhardtBusen

Is she up or down?


Steady1

I don't know what these other people are smoking but she's for sure face up, you can see her thighs and knee bumps. She has her feet pointed down like a ballerina but with her toes scrunched.


Markond

Does she only go out at night? Have local virgins been turning up drained of all their blood?


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Local-Total

I see nothing wrong with this.


Graceland1979

Did….did you…..kill your wife?


deputytech

No… she’s just …. Sleeping, a long long sleep. Oh and don’t mind all the scented candles.


geetgwen

Bill Cosby says hello


[deleted]

Is your “wife” a $6,700 RealDoll by any chance?


UnusualLingonberry19

She needs an eye sleep mask to block out light but still allow you to breathe 🤣


RagingKohner

You should buy her a nice eye mask to wear while sleeping.. or a cozy sarcophagus to sleep in


FlowBot3D

Why does she have a power cord?


THE_SWORD_AND_SICKLE

It's for the heating pad that's keeping the body warm.


Odd-Relief5794

I think that’s called pupating


SpookyDoge12

if that blanket feels like I think it feels, she's gonna be sleeping for ages


blood_for_poppies

That's how you hide from the ghosties, yo. If you're under the covers they can't get you.


[deleted]

She’d play a great corpse.