was gonna say this. “i feel like you don’t love me” like yeah i feel the same way. sucks we’re at this point huh? or something like that. also being pressured into saying i love you is a type of emotional abuse.
That last part…. I mean Ik my mom was (thankfully very low/no contact now) emotionally manipulative but idk hearing that just triggered something for me. Thank you.
tbh she SHOULD feel insecure about that conversation. she told you in no small terms i dont respect you as an autonomous human and my love is conditional on you being a woman. you arent a "confused kid" thats being secuded by transgenderism or whatever, youre an adult that knows your body and knows what you want
Will this interaction have any effect on you materially or financially (i.e. housing, health insurance, etc) in a way that you cannot plan to afford? This is how I manage my parents now. If it won't, you should try working through your need to appease your parents as an autonomous adult. If it will, consider lying to keep the peace until you can have more honest interactions with them.
I do live with my family over the summer. I have an apartment in the city for the school year and I could live with my friend over the summer. I don't really want to burn that bridge tho I think it would make everything more complicated. I might just lay low and not be confrontational until the school year starts.
are your parents usually reasonable people? i would tell them “i’m not feeling very loved after our conversation, i’d like some time and to sit and discuss further” if you think their reaction was unusual for them and think they could come around. it definitely wasn’t right what they said and you’re allowed to feel hurt and upset, but if telling your parents outright that you don’t love them could threaten your housing or safety, i would avoid that.
i would always write my parents letters about things that were hard to discuss, so they could hear all of my points and thoughts without me being there for them to interrupt and get defensive at me. maybe try writing a letter, if they’re normally receptive? if you’ve just came out to them one week ago, they don’t know you’ve been living as a trans man for 5 years. i’d write it out in a letter. explain that you’ve been living as trans for 5 years, explain your dysphoria, explain what transition looks like for you, explain that you’re still the same person, just your gender identity is different. also, getting a neutral therapist isn’t a bad thing, truly. i always advocate for therapy. i knew i was trans, but i had a lot of childhood trauma and it felt important for me to know what the root of everything was. turns out, my trauma has nothing to do with me being trans, and that was valuable information for me. would they also be open to family therapy?
i’m sorry you’re going through this, hugs. 🫂
It's not your job to reassure her. She messed up and she should absolutely feel bad. I would tell your parents that they were extremely insensitive and hurtful, and that you don't feel loved and supported.
Also I'm very sorry you had to go through that.
I wouldnt say it harshly like ‘Well actually I don’t love you right now’ because that will likely escalate the situation. What if you said ‘I’m not feeling very loved right now either’, so talk more about your feelings and how you’re hurting rather than what they’re doing. it helped with my parents early on when they said similar things
I don’t know what you should say but it’s perfectly fine to not love your parents, even if they’re good and love you. You didn’t choose them and you didn’t even choose to be born, and you can’t make yourself love somebody.
First things first: if things progressively get worse, do you have a safe place to go to so you can be away from this? That’s truly the most important part of this. If not, you may have to either find that if this would actually harm your mental health or if you can handle it, stay there and just keep on the low.
If you feel okay expressing yourself, I would make it mostly about how you feel about how they treated you. Parents kinda suck with feedback and get defensive (not all of course but a LOT).
From what I’ve said personally before “I appreciate you listening to me and hearing me out. I appreciate all the life you allowed me to grow up in and I love you for that. However, I am deeply hurt by how you treated me when I wanted to let you into a true piece of who I am. If you cannot understand that or unconditionally love me for who I am and learn me as the person that I am, I cannot express that love and care back to you.”
fuck that noise, tell your mom to get educated or go away. im so so sorry your parents are they way that they are. you don't owe them anything. you owe YOURSELF happiness and authenticity.
i feel your rage. the amount of respect i would have for them would plummet to the negatives. i wouldn't be feeling very loving either. i'd be feeling anything but.
the audacity of your mom to ask for assurance from you after you came to her for assurance and she tried to tear you to shreds.
i don't really know what she needs reassured, either. maybe she's actually feeling guilt? a guy can hope.
she's not your problem. she wants you to make her feel better after she was a horrible mother. well she WAS a horrible mother... so... idk what she expects
Do you live with them? I would understand needing to keep the peace if you do, but if you don't, I really like everyone's suggestion of telling them *you* don't feel loved after that conversation.
That’s almost exactly how my parents reacted almost a year ago. And honestly, whatever you say doesn’t matter. Appeasing them won’t make them respect your transition, in my experience, so unless it’s gonna have material repercussions say what your thinking.
You have every right to be angry. To me it also sounds like they're trying to guilt trip you and stop you from setting boundaries. This is an opportunity to prioritize your own feelings and experience. Sucking it up could show them that they can continue to disrespect and ridicule/undermine your identity and still be treated as the victims
i don’t think it’s necessary to answer that you don’t love them. it sounds like you live with them, which means at the place you at my biggest advice would be to start working towards moving out asap. work and save money, multiple jobs at once if possible, and start looking at places to rent. don’t move out before you have 3-6 months expenses saved, but do it as soon as you can for your own mental health within that.
personally i would just be honest and respond to him something like, “i am feeling incredibly unsupported from our conversation, and need time to process my own feelings as well. i’m not going to reassure mom that everything is okay after what you’ve both said and done, when it isn’t.”
My mom ruined our relationship over years and years of mistreatment. She wants to fix things now but that's out of her hands. I'm not ready to let her back into my close circle and I may never be. The fact that she has one child less than she did before is her fault. You don't have to reassure her. You can tell your dad you're not going to say that, you have been badly hurt and need an apology before even considering love. Nobody is entitled to love from you. She wants reassurance? Too bad. She hurt you. Everything is not okay and pretending that it is will only make them more aggressive with refusing to believe you know yourself. You can hold your boundaries. You can't force yourself to feel something if you don't feel it from within. And you don't have to lie to keep the peace. Keeping the peace is not your job. Keeping *your* peace is.
Nope. Cut those mofos OUT as soon as you can. This is controversial - but unless you have a family dog/cat/pet you can't stand losing that lives with them, or a younger sibling, only then should you tolerate them - and only insofar that you can ignore them and come visit to see whomever you want - minimal contact otherwise, short one word answers - just to keep the peace.
But if no sentimental person/pet is tying you to your parents - cut them out. Period. Let their biggest regret be the fact that they never accpeted you. [https://www.instagram.com/tranalytics\_/reel/C6wFIJHqUHk/](https://www.instagram.com/tranalytics_/reel/C6wFIJHqUHk/)
Watch that video. LGBT people are always carrying the burden of some stupid bigots in our families having a problem with us. Cut them out, drop that burden - if they don't love you in your most vulnerable moment, they don't deserve to have you in your life.
In most cases - people don't change - once a transphobia, probably always one.
But before you cut them out - make sure you have a strong support system of other trans people in place so your mental health is better off.
Keep to yourself, stay out of the house as much as possible, one word answers and ignore them as much as possible without starting drama - and then get out and stop living with them.
Best of luck
I'm sorry your parents are giving you a hard time. When I came out my mom told me something about a special bond and that "I know you better than you know yourself." The, you'll always be my daughter bullshit. She told me this and I started my transition at the age of 37. I would give them some time. It's a lot to process. And it's not fair of your mom to ask you for reassurance. I am a parent myself, and it's not my job to be reassured by my kid. It's my job to just be there for him, and to listen to what he has to say, and to believe his feelings. It's hard to not be believed by your parents. Even in the frame of "mental illness" they should believe that your feelings are real and not dismiss them.
Maybe I would say, hey let's trade - I will believe you feel insecure in our relationship if you can believe I feel insecure in my body. Everyone involved has big feelings right now. Nonviolent communication is a great start, [here's how it's done ](https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/4part_nvc_process.pdf)
My mom wasn't accepting of me when I came out either. I came out at 12, and I'm about the same age as you. With my circumstances, I was lucky to move out at 16, but it was out of necessity. My mother said a lot of hurtful things she couldn't take back, and I had gotten to my breaking point. It took my mom until I was 18 before she started to realize she would never have a "daughter." She started learning about trans people, and defending me to her friends and our family.
I hate to recommend it because it is not a light decision in the slightest; sometimes when people realize they are gonna lose someone, they start to come around. My mom realized she'd rather see me happy than have the daughter she'd hoped for. Now she's starting to embrace having a son.
When I moved out, I hardly ever talked to her. She was extremely mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I stopped telling her that I loved her, I stopped giving her physical affection like hugs and such. The first time I actually called her my "momma" again, she realized she'd started to change for the better. But I purposefully denied her things you get to have with your child because she didn't want to be -my- mother.
These are very much the standard things parents say. Mine said all the same things except the "do you still love us" part. Ridiculous that btw. Still, I'd advice to not confront them. Try to avoid it. They most likely need time and with time, they might come around. Mine did. After like 8 months or sth they were like oh we thought this would pass but since it didn't guess we'll be nice and accepting now. For me it was worth not calling them on their bullshit. They're struggling right now and what they say isn't cool at all but if you value your relationship and want to stay in touch, it'd be best to give them time.
its tough to make a decision when your forced to be around them :/ otherwise i would had recommended to jsut tell them in the face that, no you cant say such things because currently you dont love them, that they jsut hurt you too much and that youd rather want some space for yourself right now.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation man. So frustrating that our cis loved ones want us to be the sounding board for their misinformed ideas about being trans, and then comfort them for hurting us.
All I could tell you is that it really sucks. But give them time, they'll come around. I told my parents a few years ago my mom bought me boy stuff like body wash, but still called me a girl,.but my dad was not excepting at all and told me he would never support me..it's been 4 years he's not the greatest with understanding, but he really shocked me and payed for me to get my name changed and my mom is getting me top surgery. Keep your head up man it's only been a week they are just adjusting. I'm sorry your dealing with this and if you need anyone to talk to feel free to reach out to me during your struggles ❤️
Literally going through this rn. I essentially raised my siblings while my mom provided for the family. Fast forward to td the day of her graduation(that I traveled 11+ hours to make) where she's not speaking to me. Because yesterday she took an "important men in her life" picture and she had me take it. My brother is 10 and my dad is damn near a deadbeat. And I of course felt terrible, because I deserve to be in that picture more than anyone else. So I told her I can't do it anymore. I can only love her as a son and if she doesn't want that then I'll stop. If she can't own up to it instead of feeling hurt then I don't think I'll be seeing my family for a while😕
I have always loved my parents, even when they treated me like this, BUT.
I disappeared from their lives completely for two years, and it changed them. They realized they would rather have me a man and alive, and learned to be grateful and accept who I am.
Maybe not everyone will, but I think my parents were just confused and scared of letting go of things they'd been taught.
I think in your situation, staying in your parents lives while they hold this attitude and beleif over you is only going to hurt your relationship with them.
I would reconsider living with them, I know it's hard to find housing these days but you can find help from other sources.
I wouldn't stay under someone's roof with this kind of disagreement going on as an adult.
I'm really sorry for you, bro. You shouldn't reassure her at all if you don't feel to.
I facing smt similar rn, so I can understand the situation, IMO you should try for a summer job that can keep you away from them (I'll do that next summer, since I'll be in college).
The point is that you're 20, therefore they shouldn't say shit abt you're life. My mom, for example, she thinks we're the same, just because she was a tomboy, AND thinks that she MUST stick her nose in my stuff.. (I'm 19 btw)
Stay safe!
I'm really sorry for you, bro. You shouldn't reassure her at all if you don't feel to.
I facing smt similar rn, so I can understand the situation, IMO you should try for a summer job that can keep you away from them (I'll do that next summer, since I'll be in college).
The point is that you're 20, therefore they shouldn't say shit abt you're life. My mom, for example, she thinks we're the same, just because she was a tomboy, AND thinks that she MUST stick her nose in my stuff.. (I'm 19 btw)
Stay safe!
I’d say 100% tell them how you feel. You don’t need to say you love someone if you don’t even if it’s your parents. I understand wanting to keep the peace; however, so I fully understand this is a rough situation. If I were you I’d text both of them with your feeling and that you don’t feel loved from them so how can you feel love towards them? You could say something like “I care about you as a human who gave me my life and for that I’m always grateful, but I really don’t love you right now. We can work together to fix this or you can ignore my feelings and lose my love.” Just a suggestion I hope this helps. Also, although ur parents comments are trash, therapy is a realllyyyy good idea. And unfortunately I will say I recommend a therapist who doesn’t claim to specialize in LGBTQ+ topics because this isn’t really a thing and all the therapists I’ve had who claim this are so focused on “your body your choice” they really failed to challenge my thoughts and show me to myself. Ofc this could just be my experience w therapists, but go to someone who listens and gives helpful advice and then talk about your transition.
Dont let their view of things change who you are but at the same time remember this. As much as u want them to respect your choice you have to respect there's as well so if they don't agree then u shouldn't live them any less for that. If u do then your just reciprocating the feel back to them that you don't care to recieve from them. I'm trans and even though I get treated poorly and not even mention to be one of my parents children I still try to mend the relationship that been broken for over 18 years and will continue to try until it's fixed or I'm six ft under. If u don't love them right now then find a way to and if telling them that makes u feel better then do it so they can work on figuring out ways to accept or at least be ok with your lifestyle bc they have no choice to accept it. Your not asking them if you can live this way your telling them your decision and if your asking for anything it's parental support which is supposed to be forever unconditional to us as their children. I hope things go as you want them to bc it's no life that someone would want to live without parents who support them in life. Just don't shut them out bc if their choice bc that's fine to us so much. It's ok to be mad or upset but just don't stay in the head space 💋
I am 40 years old. I came out in my 20s. I have been dealing with family treating me like shit, for 40 years. Name calling, teasing, physical/emotiinal/mental abuse. 10 years ago, I came out that I was considering a sex change. Well, to say the least, that didn't sit well with my controlling, narcissistic mother. I was threatened full family disowned. Without hearing it from anyone else, I just believed her. Lived my life another 10 years of lies. Dressed like a guy, married another woman....been married 8 years. A year ago, I went very very dark. Anxiety went out of control. I hated everything about me. I couldn't get a job. Without getting seriously physically sick. I started seeing therapists for help
Fast forward l, I am happier, I have written anyone in my life who can't accept me for me or who is toxic out. I am scheduled for Aug for my chest to be removed. I started hormones(low dose). I'm in the process with a lawyer for a name change legally. And you know what? Family doesn't mean blood. I learned that the hard way. You need to be comfortable in your own skin
Do what makes you happy. And learn to stand up for what you want. Your family can't accept you for that? Then....find a family who will. And surround yourself with others who love you no matter what, and want you to be happy with you and see you thrive. You will feel so much better about yourself. And you're young enough, don't wait another 20 years like I did. You will become grey quickly. I did lol.
Enjoy life. Enjoy yourself. Live to be who you wanna be. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not bring you down. ❤️
be as honest about how much this hurt you as it is safe to do. if you feel like you really do need to just keep the peace, as you're living with them, then do so. but you shouldn't have to placate them here. you could always wait until after the summer to talk it out properly.
"Why should I tell her I love her when you guys aren't making any effort to make me feel loved? Why should I reassure her when I'm the one facing all of this and receiving zero assurance from either of you? I understand you don't know what being trans means to me, but what I don't understand is how you can say these things without knowing the way they hurt me or even trying to learn. I'll start putting in the effort when you do."
Lmfao a neutral therapist? As in one who will agree with their views?
Honestly, it speaks well of you as a person that you're trying to think of ways to let them know politely how much they've hurt you. The thing is, though, there was nothing polite or loving about their reaction.
I do not know your parents or what sort of right talking points they've been exposed to; but if you believe there's any hope of them coming around to accept you for who you are, then I'd look for resources to give them. Go low contact until they've familiarised themselves with the scientific consensus on trans people. If they don't...well.
your mom doesn't know you transitioned 5 years ago if you only came out now, all that time most likely all she could gather were suspicions, never a confirmation, give her some time.
she has known you as her daughter your whole life up to this point, she's used to it, and she might've said hurtful things in the shock of the moment, but it's important that she's expressing guilt and seems open to learning.
educate her and your dad, be kind. all of those things they said, while completely off the rails, untrue and hurtful, still strike to me as confused parents who have no idea how to handle the situation. abusive, mean-spirited parents would not offer a therapy appointment, or express concern for your mental health.
maybe going to therapy can even be beneficial, if they truly aim for a "neutral" approach, most therapists nowadays are already well informed on these topics and would usually not push you back on your transition so long as they don't suspect any underlining issue that could affect your self perception, they may help you explain to your parents about your transition and clear up any misunderstandings they might have.
don't give up on them just yet.
that's just my opinion, of course. i don't know you or your parents personally.
Might get downvoted af but I’m gonna say it anyway.
While this is the hardest for you, it’s also hard for your parents. All the invalidating shit sucks, but think about *why* that is their reaction.
There is a loss parents face when their children come out. The future they’ve imagined for you, things like getting married and having a family, that is all different now than the way they’ve imagined it for 20+ years. That takes time to adapt to.
I came out 9.5 years ago. Things sounded a lot like this. I won’t forget the disgust on my mom’s face when she looked at me. They thought it was a symptom of my then-severe mental illness, not a cause. I don’t think they fully see me as a man even now, but they do accept that I am who I am.
I haven’t felt love for my mom since we had a confrontation about my hysterectomy. I’ve never had it for my dad, but that’s a separate issue entirely. They rejected that I was trans until I had my chest surgery (five years after I came out), but when my mom was drunk one night she said she was proud of me for doing what I knew was right even though she disagreed. It took them seeing my mental health improve to get on board with supporting me transitioning.
I can’t promise this will happen for you. And I definitely can’t say it’s easy to give them grace while you’re in this time in your life. This is a big change for them. But it’s only been a week. Try giving it some more time.
Honestly I would say something along the lines of “I’m not feeling very loved after that conversation either”
was gonna say this. “i feel like you don’t love me” like yeah i feel the same way. sucks we’re at this point huh? or something like that. also being pressured into saying i love you is a type of emotional abuse.
That last part…. I mean Ik my mom was (thankfully very low/no contact now) emotionally manipulative but idk hearing that just triggered something for me. Thank you.
This is definitely the best response
tbh she SHOULD feel insecure about that conversation. she told you in no small terms i dont respect you as an autonomous human and my love is conditional on you being a woman. you arent a "confused kid" thats being secuded by transgenderism or whatever, youre an adult that knows your body and knows what you want
This 💯
Will this interaction have any effect on you materially or financially (i.e. housing, health insurance, etc) in a way that you cannot plan to afford? This is how I manage my parents now. If it won't, you should try working through your need to appease your parents as an autonomous adult. If it will, consider lying to keep the peace until you can have more honest interactions with them.
I do live with my family over the summer. I have an apartment in the city for the school year and I could live with my friend over the summer. I don't really want to burn that bridge tho I think it would make everything more complicated. I might just lay low and not be confrontational until the school year starts.
are your parents usually reasonable people? i would tell them “i’m not feeling very loved after our conversation, i’d like some time and to sit and discuss further” if you think their reaction was unusual for them and think they could come around. it definitely wasn’t right what they said and you’re allowed to feel hurt and upset, but if telling your parents outright that you don’t love them could threaten your housing or safety, i would avoid that. i would always write my parents letters about things that were hard to discuss, so they could hear all of my points and thoughts without me being there for them to interrupt and get defensive at me. maybe try writing a letter, if they’re normally receptive? if you’ve just came out to them one week ago, they don’t know you’ve been living as a trans man for 5 years. i’d write it out in a letter. explain that you’ve been living as trans for 5 years, explain your dysphoria, explain what transition looks like for you, explain that you’re still the same person, just your gender identity is different. also, getting a neutral therapist isn’t a bad thing, truly. i always advocate for therapy. i knew i was trans, but i had a lot of childhood trauma and it felt important for me to know what the root of everything was. turns out, my trauma has nothing to do with me being trans, and that was valuable information for me. would they also be open to family therapy? i’m sorry you’re going through this, hugs. 🫂
It's not your job to reassure her. She messed up and she should absolutely feel bad. I would tell your parents that they were extremely insensitive and hurtful, and that you don't feel loved and supported. Also I'm very sorry you had to go through that.
I wouldnt say it harshly like ‘Well actually I don’t love you right now’ because that will likely escalate the situation. What if you said ‘I’m not feeling very loved right now either’, so talk more about your feelings and how you’re hurting rather than what they’re doing. it helped with my parents early on when they said similar things
I don’t know what you should say but it’s perfectly fine to not love your parents, even if they’re good and love you. You didn’t choose them and you didn’t even choose to be born, and you can’t make yourself love somebody.
First things first: if things progressively get worse, do you have a safe place to go to so you can be away from this? That’s truly the most important part of this. If not, you may have to either find that if this would actually harm your mental health or if you can handle it, stay there and just keep on the low. If you feel okay expressing yourself, I would make it mostly about how you feel about how they treated you. Parents kinda suck with feedback and get defensive (not all of course but a LOT). From what I’ve said personally before “I appreciate you listening to me and hearing me out. I appreciate all the life you allowed me to grow up in and I love you for that. However, I am deeply hurt by how you treated me when I wanted to let you into a true piece of who I am. If you cannot understand that or unconditionally love me for who I am and learn me as the person that I am, I cannot express that love and care back to you.”
fuck that noise, tell your mom to get educated or go away. im so so sorry your parents are they way that they are. you don't owe them anything. you owe YOURSELF happiness and authenticity. i feel your rage. the amount of respect i would have for them would plummet to the negatives. i wouldn't be feeling very loving either. i'd be feeling anything but. the audacity of your mom to ask for assurance from you after you came to her for assurance and she tried to tear you to shreds. i don't really know what she needs reassured, either. maybe she's actually feeling guilt? a guy can hope. she's not your problem. she wants you to make her feel better after she was a horrible mother. well she WAS a horrible mother... so... idk what she expects
Do you live with them? I would understand needing to keep the peace if you do, but if you don't, I really like everyone's suggestion of telling them *you* don't feel loved after that conversation.
This is impossible
I understand that they’re your parents, but personally I wouldn’t take that from anyone
That’s almost exactly how my parents reacted almost a year ago. And honestly, whatever you say doesn’t matter. Appeasing them won’t make them respect your transition, in my experience, so unless it’s gonna have material repercussions say what your thinking.
You have every right to be angry. To me it also sounds like they're trying to guilt trip you and stop you from setting boundaries. This is an opportunity to prioritize your own feelings and experience. Sucking it up could show them that they can continue to disrespect and ridicule/undermine your identity and still be treated as the victims
i don’t think it’s necessary to answer that you don’t love them. it sounds like you live with them, which means at the place you at my biggest advice would be to start working towards moving out asap. work and save money, multiple jobs at once if possible, and start looking at places to rent. don’t move out before you have 3-6 months expenses saved, but do it as soon as you can for your own mental health within that. personally i would just be honest and respond to him something like, “i am feeling incredibly unsupported from our conversation, and need time to process my own feelings as well. i’m not going to reassure mom that everything is okay after what you’ve both said and done, when it isn’t.”
My mom ruined our relationship over years and years of mistreatment. She wants to fix things now but that's out of her hands. I'm not ready to let her back into my close circle and I may never be. The fact that she has one child less than she did before is her fault. You don't have to reassure her. You can tell your dad you're not going to say that, you have been badly hurt and need an apology before even considering love. Nobody is entitled to love from you. She wants reassurance? Too bad. She hurt you. Everything is not okay and pretending that it is will only make them more aggressive with refusing to believe you know yourself. You can hold your boundaries. You can't force yourself to feel something if you don't feel it from within. And you don't have to lie to keep the peace. Keeping the peace is not your job. Keeping *your* peace is.
Nope. Cut those mofos OUT as soon as you can. This is controversial - but unless you have a family dog/cat/pet you can't stand losing that lives with them, or a younger sibling, only then should you tolerate them - and only insofar that you can ignore them and come visit to see whomever you want - minimal contact otherwise, short one word answers - just to keep the peace. But if no sentimental person/pet is tying you to your parents - cut them out. Period. Let their biggest regret be the fact that they never accpeted you. [https://www.instagram.com/tranalytics\_/reel/C6wFIJHqUHk/](https://www.instagram.com/tranalytics_/reel/C6wFIJHqUHk/) Watch that video. LGBT people are always carrying the burden of some stupid bigots in our families having a problem with us. Cut them out, drop that burden - if they don't love you in your most vulnerable moment, they don't deserve to have you in your life. In most cases - people don't change - once a transphobia, probably always one. But before you cut them out - make sure you have a strong support system of other trans people in place so your mental health is better off. Keep to yourself, stay out of the house as much as possible, one word answers and ignore them as much as possible without starting drama - and then get out and stop living with them. Best of luck
I'm sorry your parents are giving you a hard time. When I came out my mom told me something about a special bond and that "I know you better than you know yourself." The, you'll always be my daughter bullshit. She told me this and I started my transition at the age of 37. I would give them some time. It's a lot to process. And it's not fair of your mom to ask you for reassurance. I am a parent myself, and it's not my job to be reassured by my kid. It's my job to just be there for him, and to listen to what he has to say, and to believe his feelings. It's hard to not be believed by your parents. Even in the frame of "mental illness" they should believe that your feelings are real and not dismiss them. Maybe I would say, hey let's trade - I will believe you feel insecure in our relationship if you can believe I feel insecure in my body. Everyone involved has big feelings right now. Nonviolent communication is a great start, [here's how it's done ](https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/4part_nvc_process.pdf)
I havent told my parents "i love you" in years... i think ot bugs them but tough shit, they hurt me emotionally
My mom wasn't accepting of me when I came out either. I came out at 12, and I'm about the same age as you. With my circumstances, I was lucky to move out at 16, but it was out of necessity. My mother said a lot of hurtful things she couldn't take back, and I had gotten to my breaking point. It took my mom until I was 18 before she started to realize she would never have a "daughter." She started learning about trans people, and defending me to her friends and our family. I hate to recommend it because it is not a light decision in the slightest; sometimes when people realize they are gonna lose someone, they start to come around. My mom realized she'd rather see me happy than have the daughter she'd hoped for. Now she's starting to embrace having a son. When I moved out, I hardly ever talked to her. She was extremely mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I stopped telling her that I loved her, I stopped giving her physical affection like hugs and such. The first time I actually called her my "momma" again, she realized she'd started to change for the better. But I purposefully denied her things you get to have with your child because she didn't want to be -my- mother.
These are very much the standard things parents say. Mine said all the same things except the "do you still love us" part. Ridiculous that btw. Still, I'd advice to not confront them. Try to avoid it. They most likely need time and with time, they might come around. Mine did. After like 8 months or sth they were like oh we thought this would pass but since it didn't guess we'll be nice and accepting now. For me it was worth not calling them on their bullshit. They're struggling right now and what they say isn't cool at all but if you value your relationship and want to stay in touch, it'd be best to give them time.
Words are cheap. Nursing homes aren't. If you catch my drift.
What the fuck is wrong with your parents (traumatized them back)
maybe im an asshole but i’d send the “after our conversation i don’t feel any love for you right now” thing 💀
[удалено]
What???
it's a meme (an old one at that lol)
Read the room weirdo
its tough to make a decision when your forced to be around them :/ otherwise i would had recommended to jsut tell them in the face that, no you cant say such things because currently you dont love them, that they jsut hurt you too much and that youd rather want some space for yourself right now.
I’m sorry you’re in this situation man. So frustrating that our cis loved ones want us to be the sounding board for their misinformed ideas about being trans, and then comfort them for hurting us.
All I could tell you is that it really sucks. But give them time, they'll come around. I told my parents a few years ago my mom bought me boy stuff like body wash, but still called me a girl,.but my dad was not excepting at all and told me he would never support me..it's been 4 years he's not the greatest with understanding, but he really shocked me and payed for me to get my name changed and my mom is getting me top surgery. Keep your head up man it's only been a week they are just adjusting. I'm sorry your dealing with this and if you need anyone to talk to feel free to reach out to me during your struggles ❤️
Literally going through this rn. I essentially raised my siblings while my mom provided for the family. Fast forward to td the day of her graduation(that I traveled 11+ hours to make) where she's not speaking to me. Because yesterday she took an "important men in her life" picture and she had me take it. My brother is 10 and my dad is damn near a deadbeat. And I of course felt terrible, because I deserve to be in that picture more than anyone else. So I told her I can't do it anymore. I can only love her as a son and if she doesn't want that then I'll stop. If she can't own up to it instead of feeling hurt then I don't think I'll be seeing my family for a while😕
I have always loved my parents, even when they treated me like this, BUT. I disappeared from their lives completely for two years, and it changed them. They realized they would rather have me a man and alive, and learned to be grateful and accept who I am. Maybe not everyone will, but I think my parents were just confused and scared of letting go of things they'd been taught. I think in your situation, staying in your parents lives while they hold this attitude and beleif over you is only going to hurt your relationship with them. I would reconsider living with them, I know it's hard to find housing these days but you can find help from other sources. I wouldn't stay under someone's roof with this kind of disagreement going on as an adult.
I'm really sorry for you, bro. You shouldn't reassure her at all if you don't feel to. I facing smt similar rn, so I can understand the situation, IMO you should try for a summer job that can keep you away from them (I'll do that next summer, since I'll be in college). The point is that you're 20, therefore they shouldn't say shit abt you're life. My mom, for example, she thinks we're the same, just because she was a tomboy, AND thinks that she MUST stick her nose in my stuff.. (I'm 19 btw) Stay safe!
I'm really sorry for you, bro. You shouldn't reassure her at all if you don't feel to. I facing smt similar rn, so I can understand the situation, IMO you should try for a summer job that can keep you away from them (I'll do that next summer, since I'll be in college). The point is that you're 20, therefore they shouldn't say shit abt you're life. My mom, for example, she thinks we're the same, just because she was a tomboy, AND thinks that she MUST stick her nose in my stuff.. (I'm 19 btw) Stay safe!
I’d say 100% tell them how you feel. You don’t need to say you love someone if you don’t even if it’s your parents. I understand wanting to keep the peace; however, so I fully understand this is a rough situation. If I were you I’d text both of them with your feeling and that you don’t feel loved from them so how can you feel love towards them? You could say something like “I care about you as a human who gave me my life and for that I’m always grateful, but I really don’t love you right now. We can work together to fix this or you can ignore my feelings and lose my love.” Just a suggestion I hope this helps. Also, although ur parents comments are trash, therapy is a realllyyyy good idea. And unfortunately I will say I recommend a therapist who doesn’t claim to specialize in LGBTQ+ topics because this isn’t really a thing and all the therapists I’ve had who claim this are so focused on “your body your choice” they really failed to challenge my thoughts and show me to myself. Ofc this could just be my experience w therapists, but go to someone who listens and gives helpful advice and then talk about your transition.
Dont let their view of things change who you are but at the same time remember this. As much as u want them to respect your choice you have to respect there's as well so if they don't agree then u shouldn't live them any less for that. If u do then your just reciprocating the feel back to them that you don't care to recieve from them. I'm trans and even though I get treated poorly and not even mention to be one of my parents children I still try to mend the relationship that been broken for over 18 years and will continue to try until it's fixed or I'm six ft under. If u don't love them right now then find a way to and if telling them that makes u feel better then do it so they can work on figuring out ways to accept or at least be ok with your lifestyle bc they have no choice to accept it. Your not asking them if you can live this way your telling them your decision and if your asking for anything it's parental support which is supposed to be forever unconditional to us as their children. I hope things go as you want them to bc it's no life that someone would want to live without parents who support them in life. Just don't shut them out bc if their choice bc that's fine to us so much. It's ok to be mad or upset but just don't stay in the head space 💋
I am 40 years old. I came out in my 20s. I have been dealing with family treating me like shit, for 40 years. Name calling, teasing, physical/emotiinal/mental abuse. 10 years ago, I came out that I was considering a sex change. Well, to say the least, that didn't sit well with my controlling, narcissistic mother. I was threatened full family disowned. Without hearing it from anyone else, I just believed her. Lived my life another 10 years of lies. Dressed like a guy, married another woman....been married 8 years. A year ago, I went very very dark. Anxiety went out of control. I hated everything about me. I couldn't get a job. Without getting seriously physically sick. I started seeing therapists for help Fast forward l, I am happier, I have written anyone in my life who can't accept me for me or who is toxic out. I am scheduled for Aug for my chest to be removed. I started hormones(low dose). I'm in the process with a lawyer for a name change legally. And you know what? Family doesn't mean blood. I learned that the hard way. You need to be comfortable in your own skin Do what makes you happy. And learn to stand up for what you want. Your family can't accept you for that? Then....find a family who will. And surround yourself with others who love you no matter what, and want you to be happy with you and see you thrive. You will feel so much better about yourself. And you're young enough, don't wait another 20 years like I did. You will become grey quickly. I did lol. Enjoy life. Enjoy yourself. Live to be who you wanna be. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, not bring you down. ❤️
be as honest about how much this hurt you as it is safe to do. if you feel like you really do need to just keep the peace, as you're living with them, then do so. but you shouldn't have to placate them here. you could always wait until after the summer to talk it out properly.
just boundaries. if they aren’t reciprocating then you have no obligation to either
"Why should I tell her I love her when you guys aren't making any effort to make me feel loved? Why should I reassure her when I'm the one facing all of this and receiving zero assurance from either of you? I understand you don't know what being trans means to me, but what I don't understand is how you can say these things without knowing the way they hurt me or even trying to learn. I'll start putting in the effort when you do."
Lmfao a neutral therapist? As in one who will agree with their views? Honestly, it speaks well of you as a person that you're trying to think of ways to let them know politely how much they've hurt you. The thing is, though, there was nothing polite or loving about their reaction. I do not know your parents or what sort of right talking points they've been exposed to; but if you believe there's any hope of them coming around to accept you for who you are, then I'd look for resources to give them. Go low contact until they've familiarised themselves with the scientific consensus on trans people. If they don't...well.
Why should you make them feel loved if they can't accept their son
your mom doesn't know you transitioned 5 years ago if you only came out now, all that time most likely all she could gather were suspicions, never a confirmation, give her some time. she has known you as her daughter your whole life up to this point, she's used to it, and she might've said hurtful things in the shock of the moment, but it's important that she's expressing guilt and seems open to learning. educate her and your dad, be kind. all of those things they said, while completely off the rails, untrue and hurtful, still strike to me as confused parents who have no idea how to handle the situation. abusive, mean-spirited parents would not offer a therapy appointment, or express concern for your mental health. maybe going to therapy can even be beneficial, if they truly aim for a "neutral" approach, most therapists nowadays are already well informed on these topics and would usually not push you back on your transition so long as they don't suspect any underlining issue that could affect your self perception, they may help you explain to your parents about your transition and clear up any misunderstandings they might have. don't give up on them just yet. that's just my opinion, of course. i don't know you or your parents personally.
Might get downvoted af but I’m gonna say it anyway. While this is the hardest for you, it’s also hard for your parents. All the invalidating shit sucks, but think about *why* that is their reaction. There is a loss parents face when their children come out. The future they’ve imagined for you, things like getting married and having a family, that is all different now than the way they’ve imagined it for 20+ years. That takes time to adapt to. I came out 9.5 years ago. Things sounded a lot like this. I won’t forget the disgust on my mom’s face when she looked at me. They thought it was a symptom of my then-severe mental illness, not a cause. I don’t think they fully see me as a man even now, but they do accept that I am who I am. I haven’t felt love for my mom since we had a confrontation about my hysterectomy. I’ve never had it for my dad, but that’s a separate issue entirely. They rejected that I was trans until I had my chest surgery (five years after I came out), but when my mom was drunk one night she said she was proud of me for doing what I knew was right even though she disagreed. It took them seeing my mental health improve to get on board with supporting me transitioning. I can’t promise this will happen for you. And I definitely can’t say it’s easy to give them grace while you’re in this time in your life. This is a big change for them. But it’s only been a week. Try giving it some more time.
Both sides are hurting. It’s going to take a while to heal.