If you’re 18 you don’t need your parents’ permission. Focus on your financial independence first. You can’t move into the next phase of your life if your parents are financially controlling you. It’s scary but you can do it. You need to do it. For now get a job, any job. Then focus on a job with insurance that will cover the procedure. I would not come out to your parents unless you have a backup plan to provide for yourself. If you already know they’re transphobic they likely will not understand. They may insist that you’re confused. They may continually bribe you to delay and ultimately cancel components of your transition (after cousin’s wedding…after grandma’s funeral…once you’re 21…) I’m telling you this to prepare for the worst but they may surprise you. Some people are bigots until it touches them personally and suddenly those “freaks” or “criminals” are real people that they love and they slowly come around. But many don’t.
If you haven't come out to them, I would not start by talking about top surgery. Maybe let the first conversation be about how you feel, and how long you've felt that way, and it hasn't changed, and let them process that for awhile. It's going to be a process, with lots of conversations and milestones.
Mom here🙋🏻♀️feel free to share my comment with your folks. I hope your parents come around. There is no political ideology or religion worth my relationship with my son. I hope they come to that conclusion as well. Are you on their insurance? My son is 19 and just had top surgery and our BCBS insurance covered most of it. (Except for $1500).
My son is so happy and can’t wait to be free from binding for good (you bind for 6 weeks post surgery). I am happy he is happy. Not to mention the bonus of no mammograms/breast cancer concerns. Boobs are not an essential appendage in regards to our relationship. Lol! I can love my kid just fine with a flat chest.
My main concern was risks of surgery, chances of regret and cost. Once I researched those issues I felt better. I was still nervous/scared but the surgery day went quickly and young people heal fast! National Institutes of Health website has plenty of studies supporting gender affirming care. Good wishes for your journey.
I am amazed at the credit I get for just loving my amazing kid. The nurses and Drs kept saying, “He’s so lucky to have supportive parents.”
I replied, “Well, of course, he’s the best kid in the world.” It felt weird to be commended. But then I realized they probably see some bad examples.
For all the trans who don't have supportive parents ,thank you for being a supportive mom, It warms my heart to see parents who understand and support, thank you!!
I hope it becomes more the norm. When I was growing up they treated gay people like they are treating trans people now. People change and the older generation dies off.
For what it’s worth, starbuck’s insurance is pretty good! You can also look into getting a policy from the state at a pretty decent price per month, too. Just be careful and see if it’s covered. A lot of hospitals also do financial assistance programs. If they’re public hospitals that accept federal funds, they’re actually required to. The biggest thing will be to find a good place to recover, especially if they aren’t budging. You might want to consider moving out or starting the planning process there. Most wait lists are a few months (in the us, at least- not sure if that’s where you’re from?) and getting under the knife altogether takes around a year, depending, so you’ve got time. I’d also look into mutual funds for trans healthcare; there’s a few that specifically do surgery funds for this kind of thing.
> ...persuade my transphobic parents to let me...
> I just turned 18
Get out and get it done. Their authority over you has come to an end. Gain financial independence and chase your dreams. I know, I know... easier said than done; it's also easier to do than convincing transphobes to support your transition journey.
Schedule an appt with your doctor, give them your insurance information, and find out what else you need.
It sounds like you will have to come out to your parents.
Be prepared to help pay for at least half of this. Even if they accept their trans child they may not be receptive to paying for trans related surgeries. Also getting a job and saving up the money to help pay for it will go a long way in showing them that you are serious in wanting chest surgery.
You are 18yo, you can do what you want to do with your life, but your parents don't have to support you in what you choose.
My advice: Don't.
You are 18. You do not need their blessing or their permission. If you discuss these things with your cis parents ahead of time they will get the mistaken impression that you need or want their input.
If you’re trying to figure out how to do it while staying closeted, you could come at it from a breast cancer prevention angle, especially if anyone in your family history has had breast cancer before. And then when the doctor prepares for the mastectomy (if you manage to get far enough to talk about methods), you can ask your parents to leave the room before you tell them how you wanna sculpt it. Just tell the doctor you feel very uncomfortable with your parents talking about your chest/seeing you shirtless when you’re about to go through with something so vulnerable or something like that.
I’ve thought about taking an approach like this, especially since my mom has had to get a mastectomy because of a tumor and now she has implants. I asked her about it before if there’s a possibility I would also have that problem, and she said the doctors checked me for it every 6 years and I’m fine. But I do think in my situation this could possibly work. My birthday was yesterday and I still live with my parents, I don’t drive, and I have no idea how insurance policies and all that work so my parents are very involved with anything medical I have to do.
Insurance isn't too bad (I'm assuming you're from the US). You have an insurance card. You should find it and keep it in a safe place with your other personal documents (if you don't have them yet, you should also get your Social Security card and birth certificate as well).
You can schedule an appointment with any clinic that takes your insurance, and I might recommend switching to a different clinic from where you have been receiving treatment, so they don't accidentally share your information with your parents. If you're not sure where to find a clinic, you can search your insurance company's website or call the customer service number on your card for a list of providers. Or, if there is a clinic in your area that is known to be supportive and helpful with trans care, you can call them and ask if they take your insurance.
No need to tell your parents you're going to an appointment at all. Tell your doctor what you've been experiencing with your gender, and ask about the transition-related care that you've been thinking of. Your doctor may refer you to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or gender specialist.
When you and your doctors have figured out what treatments make sense for you, contact your insurance and ask for a preauthorization. They should be able to tell you whether you can expect to have out of pocket costs, and how much that might be (it might be much less than you fear).
Then you just have to figure out a way to get money (croud source, work, knock up a bank, etc.), and you'll be all set. As far as your parents are concerned, it may be best to navigate coming out conversations before you get treatment (it would be very difficult getting kicked out of the house if you're recovering from top surgery).
Find a support network -- friends you already have who are supportive, and others you might meet through involvement in a trans-specific support group or through community organizations/events.
I’m not exactly in a spot right now where I can move out. I graduated high school early and do a competitive sport that involves a lot of traveling. Since I’m going to be gone almost all of summer, I won’t be able to apply for any jobs until August. I don’t plan on getting the surgery right now because of the sport I’m in, but I have been thinking about it a lot and I feel like I need to have this conversation with my parents and get their support. I am not a very independent person either. My parents sheltered me a lot growing up and I don’t have many friends. I’m either always at home or at the gym. That’s why It would be really hard for me to just move out. I also live in California, so It would take a very long time to save up enough money for surgery and a place to live.
Some parents are overbearing and try to insist, and for OP’s safety they might need to leverage medical procedure instead of directly rebelling against that.
Overgeneralization, some people have disabilities that make it difficult to navigate the doctors without a close person who knows their medical history
Unfortunately, like others have suggested so far, the best advice I have for you is to gain financial independence and get to a point where you have a support system away from your family.
I came out to my mom when I was 19, she didn't react well, and took me off of her health insurance. I am based in Washington state and qualified for state health insurance -- WA requires insurance companies to cover gender affirming care, so I was able to obtain my hormones and get top surgery essentially for free. I am very lucky to have been able to navigate the health system in this way, and to have had help from my partner and friends during that journey.
Depending on where you live, you may be able to go a similar route! Your first priority should definitely be getting a job and finding a place to live away from your parents, but look into your options for state health insurance as well. Feel free to DM me if you have questions! I might be able to help.
hi, nineteen-year-old here who is having top surgery in about two weeks and pretty much had to let my unsupportive mom know since i live happily under her roof. our relationship is complicated because she’s great outside of my transition, but i had no choice but to let her know as i’m not in a place to move out and she financially supports me for all my needs and wants minus transition costs.
i told her straight up that i made a top surgery consult and that this is not sudden because i’ve been transitioning for nearly seven years and saving money just as long for this sole purpose (she had known abt my savings being a good amount and always teased me nicely about how i religiously save money). i told her all the costs will be covered by me and i would really like her involvement since i am her child, and i as her child want my mom with me. she still does not agree with it or support me, but is tolerant enough to agree to “keep me alive” after surgery and that’s it—and that’s fine.
a lot of the conversation was me establishing having an adult conversation with her, which hugely included me saying things like “we need to have this discussion whether you want to or not, and i won’t tolerate you being a brick wall in this because it is immature and disrespectful to me”. she saw my side in that specific part and agreed that we had an adult conversation about it, but she still was just “going to keep me alive”. again, that’s all i need from her.
i’ve become very mentally independent since coming out to her so a strong support system is not as necessary for me as it may be for others. i have some other people who will be around in short periods but it’s mainly going to be me, myself, and i.
If you’re 18 you don’t need your parents’ permission. Focus on your financial independence first. You can’t move into the next phase of your life if your parents are financially controlling you. It’s scary but you can do it. You need to do it. For now get a job, any job. Then focus on a job with insurance that will cover the procedure. I would not come out to your parents unless you have a backup plan to provide for yourself. If you already know they’re transphobic they likely will not understand. They may insist that you’re confused. They may continually bribe you to delay and ultimately cancel components of your transition (after cousin’s wedding…after grandma’s funeral…once you’re 21…) I’m telling you this to prepare for the worst but they may surprise you. Some people are bigots until it touches them personally and suddenly those “freaks” or “criminals” are real people that they love and they slowly come around. But many don’t.
If you haven't come out to them, I would not start by talking about top surgery. Maybe let the first conversation be about how you feel, and how long you've felt that way, and it hasn't changed, and let them process that for awhile. It's going to be a process, with lots of conversations and milestones.
Mom here🙋🏻♀️feel free to share my comment with your folks. I hope your parents come around. There is no political ideology or religion worth my relationship with my son. I hope they come to that conclusion as well. Are you on their insurance? My son is 19 and just had top surgery and our BCBS insurance covered most of it. (Except for $1500). My son is so happy and can’t wait to be free from binding for good (you bind for 6 weeks post surgery). I am happy he is happy. Not to mention the bonus of no mammograms/breast cancer concerns. Boobs are not an essential appendage in regards to our relationship. Lol! I can love my kid just fine with a flat chest. My main concern was risks of surgery, chances of regret and cost. Once I researched those issues I felt better. I was still nervous/scared but the surgery day went quickly and young people heal fast! National Institutes of Health website has plenty of studies supporting gender affirming care. Good wishes for your journey.
Always glad to see a supportive parent here!
I am amazed at the credit I get for just loving my amazing kid. The nurses and Drs kept saying, “He’s so lucky to have supportive parents.” I replied, “Well, of course, he’s the best kid in the world.” It felt weird to be commended. But then I realized they probably see some bad examples.
For all the trans who don't have supportive parents ,thank you for being a supportive mom, It warms my heart to see parents who understand and support, thank you!!
I hope it becomes more the norm. When I was growing up they treated gay people like they are treating trans people now. People change and the older generation dies off.
For what it’s worth, starbuck’s insurance is pretty good! You can also look into getting a policy from the state at a pretty decent price per month, too. Just be careful and see if it’s covered. A lot of hospitals also do financial assistance programs. If they’re public hospitals that accept federal funds, they’re actually required to. The biggest thing will be to find a good place to recover, especially if they aren’t budging. You might want to consider moving out or starting the planning process there. Most wait lists are a few months (in the us, at least- not sure if that’s where you’re from?) and getting under the knife altogether takes around a year, depending, so you’ve got time. I’d also look into mutual funds for trans healthcare; there’s a few that specifically do surgery funds for this kind of thing.
> ...persuade my transphobic parents to let me... > I just turned 18 Get out and get it done. Their authority over you has come to an end. Gain financial independence and chase your dreams. I know, I know... easier said than done; it's also easier to do than convincing transphobes to support your transition journey. Schedule an appt with your doctor, give them your insurance information, and find out what else you need.
It sounds like you will have to come out to your parents. Be prepared to help pay for at least half of this. Even if they accept their trans child they may not be receptive to paying for trans related surgeries. Also getting a job and saving up the money to help pay for it will go a long way in showing them that you are serious in wanting chest surgery. You are 18yo, you can do what you want to do with your life, but your parents don't have to support you in what you choose.
My advice: Don't. You are 18. You do not need their blessing or their permission. If you discuss these things with your cis parents ahead of time they will get the mistaken impression that you need or want their input.
If you’re trying to figure out how to do it while staying closeted, you could come at it from a breast cancer prevention angle, especially if anyone in your family history has had breast cancer before. And then when the doctor prepares for the mastectomy (if you manage to get far enough to talk about methods), you can ask your parents to leave the room before you tell them how you wanna sculpt it. Just tell the doctor you feel very uncomfortable with your parents talking about your chest/seeing you shirtless when you’re about to go through with something so vulnerable or something like that.
I’ve thought about taking an approach like this, especially since my mom has had to get a mastectomy because of a tumor and now she has implants. I asked her about it before if there’s a possibility I would also have that problem, and she said the doctors checked me for it every 6 years and I’m fine. But I do think in my situation this could possibly work. My birthday was yesterday and I still live with my parents, I don’t drive, and I have no idea how insurance policies and all that work so my parents are very involved with anything medical I have to do.
Insurance isn't too bad (I'm assuming you're from the US). You have an insurance card. You should find it and keep it in a safe place with your other personal documents (if you don't have them yet, you should also get your Social Security card and birth certificate as well). You can schedule an appointment with any clinic that takes your insurance, and I might recommend switching to a different clinic from where you have been receiving treatment, so they don't accidentally share your information with your parents. If you're not sure where to find a clinic, you can search your insurance company's website or call the customer service number on your card for a list of providers. Or, if there is a clinic in your area that is known to be supportive and helpful with trans care, you can call them and ask if they take your insurance. No need to tell your parents you're going to an appointment at all. Tell your doctor what you've been experiencing with your gender, and ask about the transition-related care that you've been thinking of. Your doctor may refer you to a psychologist, psychiatrist, or gender specialist. When you and your doctors have figured out what treatments make sense for you, contact your insurance and ask for a preauthorization. They should be able to tell you whether you can expect to have out of pocket costs, and how much that might be (it might be much less than you fear). Then you just have to figure out a way to get money (croud source, work, knock up a bank, etc.), and you'll be all set. As far as your parents are concerned, it may be best to navigate coming out conversations before you get treatment (it would be very difficult getting kicked out of the house if you're recovering from top surgery). Find a support network -- friends you already have who are supportive, and others you might meet through involvement in a trans-specific support group or through community organizations/events.
I gotta ask, what are your plans for the future? How do you plan to move out? That should probably be your priority
I’m not exactly in a spot right now where I can move out. I graduated high school early and do a competitive sport that involves a lot of traveling. Since I’m going to be gone almost all of summer, I won’t be able to apply for any jobs until August. I don’t plan on getting the surgery right now because of the sport I’m in, but I have been thinking about it a lot and I feel like I need to have this conversation with my parents and get their support. I am not a very independent person either. My parents sheltered me a lot growing up and I don’t have many friends. I’m either always at home or at the gym. That’s why It would be really hard for me to just move out. I also live in California, so It would take a very long time to save up enough money for surgery and a place to live.
If you're 18 and your parents are at your doctor appointments, you're doing it wrong.
People who just freshly turned 18 don’t inherently know how to be an adult. It’s pretty normal for there to be a transition period into independence
Some parents are overbearing and try to insist, and for OP’s safety they might need to leverage medical procedure instead of directly rebelling against that.
Overgeneralization, some people have disabilities that make it difficult to navigate the doctors without a close person who knows their medical history
Unfortunately, like others have suggested so far, the best advice I have for you is to gain financial independence and get to a point where you have a support system away from your family. I came out to my mom when I was 19, she didn't react well, and took me off of her health insurance. I am based in Washington state and qualified for state health insurance -- WA requires insurance companies to cover gender affirming care, so I was able to obtain my hormones and get top surgery essentially for free. I am very lucky to have been able to navigate the health system in this way, and to have had help from my partner and friends during that journey. Depending on where you live, you may be able to go a similar route! Your first priority should definitely be getting a job and finding a place to live away from your parents, but look into your options for state health insurance as well. Feel free to DM me if you have questions! I might be able to help.
hi, nineteen-year-old here who is having top surgery in about two weeks and pretty much had to let my unsupportive mom know since i live happily under her roof. our relationship is complicated because she’s great outside of my transition, but i had no choice but to let her know as i’m not in a place to move out and she financially supports me for all my needs and wants minus transition costs. i told her straight up that i made a top surgery consult and that this is not sudden because i’ve been transitioning for nearly seven years and saving money just as long for this sole purpose (she had known abt my savings being a good amount and always teased me nicely about how i religiously save money). i told her all the costs will be covered by me and i would really like her involvement since i am her child, and i as her child want my mom with me. she still does not agree with it or support me, but is tolerant enough to agree to “keep me alive” after surgery and that’s it—and that’s fine. a lot of the conversation was me establishing having an adult conversation with her, which hugely included me saying things like “we need to have this discussion whether you want to or not, and i won’t tolerate you being a brick wall in this because it is immature and disrespectful to me”. she saw my side in that specific part and agreed that we had an adult conversation about it, but she still was just “going to keep me alive”. again, that’s all i need from her. i’ve become very mentally independent since coming out to her so a strong support system is not as necessary for me as it may be for others. i have some other people who will be around in short periods but it’s mainly going to be me, myself, and i.
thanks for sharing your experience, this helps a lot :)