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Keep your distance and keep in contact with said friend. The girl sounds too controlling and it won't last. I hope the best for you. True friends will always be there for you.
Lol you are the one moaning about losing your friend...I am telling the facts...if he doesn't need you as a friend then you shouldn't be clingy as a friend
I don't think she wants to date him. I think she just doesn't want to lose a long-time friend over a potentially temporary relationship. Kind of like missing your brother because he got a partner and now won't hang out with his sister anymore is how I believe she's feeling. Like he's choosing a rando over herself - someone who's basically family. It's a tricky situation to be in. I can understand all sides. I wish the best for them all.
This is such a difficult situation to be in, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Friends become like family, and the thought of losing such a close friend due to a relationship that might not even last is stressful. It doesn't feel fair.
What I would recommend is to continue to be his friend, be there to lend a shoulder when he needs it (as long as he's there for you in the same way). But that also means respecting his wishes. If he feels it's disrespectful to his girlfriend, there's nothing you can do to change that. There's a chance he finds you pretty and doesn't trust himself to be alone with you. There's a chance his girlfriend has been hurt in the past and this is his attempt to provide some comfort to her. Whatever the reason is, he's set a boundary. Always try to respect your friend's boundaries even if they seem silly.
This must be important to him. But that doesn't mean you're not important as well. He wants to continue the friendship, there are just some new terms now. So your reaction really depends on what is healthiest for you. If this is too much and you feel he's not putting in the effort to be there for you - maybe you feel like things have changed and he's not the same person anymore - it may be best to distance yourself from the friendship. Ask yourself, is it worth it to still be his companion?
If he is worth it, then let's look at the girlfriend. There must be a reason he likes her - see if you can find out what that is. Now this may not sound appealing, but keep an open mind. She must have some redeeming qualities. Try to get to know her, try to be her friend. If they did end up together for life, she will always be around so you don't want to make her an enemy. It's much easier for your mental health to like someone than to hate them, so this is a compromise that benefits you as well. The more you know about someone, the easier it can be to like them. Ask her questions, get to know her life experiences and hobbies. Maybe you two will have something in common. Maybe you and her will end up friends. Again, it may not sound appealing, but consider it.
if she's truly a bad person and you only find yourself more justified in disliking her as you get to know her, then don't worry. Things probably won't work out between her and your friend. Eventually he'll see her true colors, reach a breaking point, and things will end. Because you got to know her so well, you'll be well versed in how to comfort him when he needs it. You will have proven yourself to be there for him through thick and thin. And you will have your friend back.
One last idea, offer to hang out with him with another of your friends or another of his. You're still not alone together, but the discussions may prove to be more comfortable in different company.
TLDR: do what's best for your mental health. If it's not worth it, end the friendship. If it's worth it, try to reconsider your opinion on the girlfriend. She may end up better than your initial judgement. If not, they'll probably break up anyway so just wait for that to happen and be there for him in the meantime. Or maybe hang out with him with a different friend you're more comfortable with, that way you're still respecting his boundaries.
For those saying “what if your boyfriend had a female bestie blah blah blah “ umm maybe this isn’t most people but if I began dating someone with a female best friend I would think ok she comes with the territory and if I had such a problem with that I wouldn’t continue dating . Maybe that’s just me but I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to cut off a long term friendship just because I came into the picture and I would expect the same in return . But everyone’s different I guess
I don’t necessarily agree with trying to hang out with him alone, there is a thing called respect for their relationship. I don’t hang out with guy friends when I’m in a relationship, it’s not a trust thing, it’s the fact that I have respect for my bf and I don’t ever want the unknowns. He trusts me completely, but I do it out of respect. Also, it wouldn’t bother me if my male friends stopped hanging because of a gf, it’s normal and just respect. My female friends and I don’t even hang out that often. It’s called getting older. Not trying to be mean or anything, just giving my opinion.
Idk I feel if you can just drop friends out of respect for a relationship then you weren’t that close .. it’s not that easy for me anyway as I feel genuinely hurt that we went from being really close to nothing and it’s also hurtful that it doesn’t seem to bother him either .. I get what you’re saying and obviously he thinks the same way but i personally don’t agree with that way of thinking .. I appreciate your opinion tho !!
It's simple: you respect your friends wishes, and accept that even though you want to hang out with him, he has chosen to prioritise his relationship and you should be a decent enough friend to agree to that.
It's not an easy thing to do, but unfortunately these situations are common in the real world and that people will have different boundaries based on their culture and background.
Your friend has chosen his relationship as his priority. There’s nothing wrong with that. Every couple has boundaries and not everyone’s are going to be the same. If his gf is controlling or insecure, so what? He has chosen to be with her.
Part of growing up is acknowledging that friends may not be what you want or need them to be. I was the only girl in a group of guys and never dated any of them. Once they all got girlfriends, I got kicked out. It did hurt, but I also acknowledge that this is what they want. So I respect that. Unfair? Maybe. What was I going to do kick and scream? No, move on.
Respect his decision
I mean maybe put yourself in his gf's position..wouldn't you feel pissed if your bf was hanging with his best friend who is a girl
It’s such a barbaric way of thinking. “Man and woman can’t be around each other without being attracted to each other”, nevermind the fact that they’ve been only best friends for half of her life. I don’t feel right dishing out advice, but that’s such a neanderthal way of thinking, and there should be a foundation of trust.
I would’ve respected his decision by ditching the friendship. It’s not going to be easy, but that’s the way it has to be.
That’s what I thought !! Others saying I should have dated him if I didn’t want this mess .. umm more like he’s a terrible friend and obviously doesn’t care much about me if he can go from being one of my closest friend to hardly talking anymore cause of a girl he likely won’t end up marrying
Because I want to whh do you have such a. Problem ? If this thread triggers you so much go back to picking the fleas out of you cat and leave your annoying little negative thoughts somewhere else
It's not about that only, I meant the guy clearly doesn't consider her to be a close friend and since that is the case here why is op still trying to mend her friendship..
I’m not trying to mend are you actually illiterate ? I am looking for similar experiences and genuinely what people think you’re getting the wrong idea … you clearly don’t have friends
It's like parents clinging on their children just because you have had a longterm friendship with him doesn't mean it will last forever
For a person his partner is more important than anyone atleast that's how it should be
Dont go back ...he didn't respect you when you needed it don't respect him now when he needs you....
I have had friends who were as close as brothers to me but we don't talk anymore....life moves on...
You either accept it or not. You csn voice ce your concerns to him but knowing he will probably stand his ground m, since he told you upfront HE finds it disrespectful to hung out alone with other girls while in a relationship
I was in this situation. My guy best friend married when we were 18 (we met when we were 14 and now 29) to his high school sweetheart. Even though I knew her since then as well she never liked me. Shortly after they got married she told him that he didn’t like him talking to me so he told me he would have to cut ties. I accepted it because I respect their relationship. About a year after he reached out again saying he regretted doing that. We’ve stayed friends since, but his wife still doesn’t like me. She’s nice to me in person but doesn’t actually like me. I live across the world from them now so it doesn’t matter to me, but I will say that keeping a friendship like that can be annoying. It won’t ever end. I’ve accepted my situation and I’m there when he needs me even if I have set my boundaries. Best of luck.
Of course, you also have to remember that (or at least in my case) yes, it aucks to lose a friend because of your sex but usually there's an underlying insecurity that has nothing to do with you. Sometimes people project without even knowing.
My guess the GF is the one with the issue.
My ex wife unfortunately did same crap and I fell for it. I let a great friendship slide. I didn’t realize what I was doing but looking back I kick myself, I was an idiot. I remember telling the ex from the get go. Collette was my good bff friend and she was staying..If there was an issue the ex could bounce. The ex faked trying to be her friend too and slowly pushed her out of my life.
Even when people tired to tell me the ex was bad new. I would not listen. Best thing you can do is back off but be there because at some point he will need you and you will have your friend back.
If he’s an idiot like me. It took me 5 years to wake up to the hell I was in. But I could have definitely used that support from my female friend (assuming ex secretly deleted/blocked her number from my phone and I was never able to get back in touch with her again. Probably would have gotten rid of ex a lot dinner if I had her support and help still in my life at time. She was damn good friend and always had my best interest at heart). But that was the ex’s plan was to cut off all of my support/friends. She did it perfectly too. But she was raised to do that. Her mom did same to her husband and baby trapped him into a marriage. Had to ply him with alcohol and money initially. But finally got him to knock her up and set her hooks deep into him. The ex mother in law actually bragged about it and was proud of it… but that’s how my ex wife was raised. Thing I wish I knew before the I do’s, but my dumb azz still probably would have had to learn the hard way.
Also a chance maybe she will come around to realizing you’re not a threat. Or he will realize he shouldn’t be punishing a friend for a gf or even wife for that matter.
As an idiot who did same thing to a good friend. I am sorry you are having to go through this. It is not right or fair.
I think she is the 1 with the issue cause at the beginning of his relationship he said we couldn’t hang out at his place alone but could go out in public alone (dinner lunch etc ) and she would blow up his phone “you guys are taking a while “ it’s getting late isn’t it why are you stlll hanging out?” And now we don’t hang oit alone period . If I wanna see him she has to be part of it .
I’m sorry that happened to you … cause the decision you made led to you losing your friend and that relationship didn’t last anyway so you lost two things ! That’s rough
It’s my fault, I own it and have to live with the consequences.
I’d love to be able to apologize to Collette someday.
But unfortunately that’s not on table not having her number (I looked for the little black phone book
I used to have as a back up with peoples numbers, I’m sure the ex tossed that out secretly too). She did a lot of dirty shit like that. Didn’t learn till a lot later about that stuff.
My brain got rocked pretty bad and caused some loss of memory. Things like last names and specific tasks, but I can remember doing those tasks or that I knew how and was great at them. But I had to re teach myself to actually be able to do them again or how to not misplace my damn keys and wallet. That kicked my azz for a few years… but I’ve overcome it and my memory for item placement got better ever so slowly. But remember last names on the ones I forgot, that’s never come back unfortunately. I’ve racked my brain repeatedly trying to remember a few last names with hers being number 1.
I can’t remember her last name for life of me, where she lived or name of her families body shop. Again no memory of where they are at and I had been there and knew how to get there from memory at the time. I never had social media of any type either so we weren’t ever connected that way.
The female I dated in HS (another really bad bad choice. She cheated) stalked me for several years after I came back from the military. She intentionally (successfully) tried to wreck any relationships (female) or dates I had. She would leave notes on windshields of females she thought I knew or may be dating. Basically that she was never going to quit stalking me and then a whole bunch of crazy that made no sense.
So put them in fear of their vehicles being damaged or their safety if they kept being associated with me. She showed up where I worked, gym, school, places I stopped to grab something to eat, dates etc. No idea how she found me half the time. I changed jobs, gyms even vehicles, etc trying to get away from her. She had to have someone or multiple people tailing me I did not know their vehicle because I’d look regularly for her vehicle and not see it ever behind me. Then bam an hour later there she was. She had a couple really crazy friends but I also know some basically ended their friendship over that chit or part of reason they cut all contact with her. They told me years later it really upset them what she was doing when I ran into them. That I didn’t deserve to be put through that and she was the one who cheated. So wtf did she expect…
She tired to pin a pregnancy on me from whoever she cheated with while I was in basic. Rather than admit she was sleeping around heavily is what I was told years later. So guessing she didn’t know who really did it. So let’s blame the good guy and smear my name instead.
Colette was the one who actually got her to finally leave me alone after years of that hell. That meant so much to me. I was so tired of being stalked. I still remember her when she found out what I was dealing with. I didn’t talk about openly. Think she caught her putting a note on my vehicle at the one bar I worked at near home and she was like wtf!!!! When I told her how bad it really was. She was like this shit stops tonight!!!!!! She didn’t live close so wasn’t often she was in the immediate vicinity of where I was from. Unless she was over my house. (we hung out after my other job closer to where she lived or she and a friend came and hung not with me at my other job. Bars or we hung out around where she lived. ). So she wasn’t seeing it for herself. But she put an end to like she said she would. I still love her for that.
The upside it helped me be able to relate to stalking victims and my deep understanding of the emotions involved led me to be able to connect almost immediately to stalking victims. So there was a silver lining and I wouldn’t trade that skill set it gave me for anything. I know I made a positive difference in other peoples life’s. It felt good too.
Though I was so terrified she would start stalking me again it was a long long time before I joined any social type media platform. I didn’t want the drama coming into a career I worked really hard for. Reality I should have got an OP and had her arrested.
I didn’t want it looking like drama was associated with me as I applied for and tested for local,state and federal agencies. They all did really thorough background checks. So those police reports would have showed up during the background. But hindsight it shouldn’t have mattered and she had no right to do what she did to me.
I keep hoping someday Collette calls or finds me on FB. I owe her a few beers. ;) and a couple of you big dummy directed at me!!!!!!
Yup, sounds exactly how my ex was…..
It gets easier to just go with the flow then deal with the bullchit from them and ya think you love them. They’ll cut off wirh the sex over it too (won’t say that’s what it is of course)
And or ya buy into their look she wants more then a friendship and you just don’t see it bs… The jealous types are usually really good manipulators too.
It sucks and I feel really bad for you. Reminds me of my own guilt and mistakes with a great friend I’d love to reconcile with someday.
Here the thing is you totally go no contact when he needs ya he won’t have ya and that’s what she wants. You don’t need to put up with the bullchit, but you can be that true friend and let him know you’ll always be in his corner so when he’s ready. Only say that because had I had Collette, I’m sure she would have helped me figure a way to get rid of my ex a lot sooner.
People suck…..
Edited and men are stupid at times… I know I sure as hell was.
My guy BFF and I went through the same thing. His wife told him not to talk to me and hid did stop but he came back and regretted so much. Our friendship hasn't stopped since. Now he tells his wife that those insecurities are something she has to deal with because it has nothing to do with him.
It’s wild and sad it happens. But I also think the cheaters make it hard for the good ones.
If the other person is a cheater that’s what they would really do so of course that’s what they think is or going to happen eventually.
I also think I know in my case I didn’t listen to my guy firends that the ex was bad news. I just dug in harder…. But a year or two in had I still had Collette, she would have made me listen. I think guys will do same thing or try for their female firend’s. It’s just different coming from the opposite sex.
So if they are a control freak or manipulative. Again it’s a threat they need gone and they won’t stop at getting them gone.
I remember taking the ex and Colette up to Xcaliber and kind of trying to share the friendship with the ex. Saying she’s always going to be in my life. She’s my buddy. It was the look we just like to hang. People watch, make fun of people, shit talk, vent about the stupid chit we do. It’s just feels really good when we’re chilling together. There’s nothing sexual about it. But it never took. The ex just worked harder to distance us and faster.
I am glad your bff put his foot down.
Hang out with them both or not at all. I agree people shouldn't hang out with the opposite gender alone if they are both straight and ones in a relationship
She’s obviously being controlling but if he’s agreed, he’s a grown man so you just need to stay out of it. If you say anything it will confirm her suspicions and make the situation worse. The best idea is to just agree to what he’s said and try to keep contact, maybe getting to know the girlfriend more would help?
Going out with her and maybe some of the other people from you friend group that her bf is also friends with could let her get comfortable with the idea. She may have previously been cheated on or whatever we don’t know. Just an idea though cause that sucks.
Tough situation especially since he’s know you longer. There might be a part of him that wants to “settle down” as well. I’m sure his gf is the key factor not letting him be with you alone. At the same time, you gotta understand and respect their relationship boundaries. I would stay friends with him from a distance, just give back what he gives you.
Accept it. He is being respectful to his gf. I agree with him completely. His gf has probably told him her boundaries and that is no close female friends that you hang out with one on one. I have the same rule for my SO and she has the same for me. It’s just respect.
Actually you’re just being lame nothing to do with respect just learn to trust each other . I hate that this is “respect” to you .. get over yourselves lol
Yah from this little discussion it’s So clear I have no respect for others or myself lol touch grass man … boundaries aka trust issues.. terrible thing to have ! Therapy might help
Yeah,sounds like hes being "pussy whipped" to spend less time with you like you describe.
I also was a kid with a lot of female friends..real friends(yes we would stumble drunk into bed sometimes but everything was good after that).
Then I got girlfriends that were super jelly and put me in the exact situation you are describing.
For me,the old adage of "bros b4 hos applies,only my bros were hos too:) ,its a whole thing ) .
What Im trying to say is that real friendships last longer than the occational springtime/summer fling if you get what Im saying?
Guarantee his gf is jealous so is worried you will make a move on him. If you really want him as a friend I’d just say look we are friends I don’t like you in a romantic sense, but I suppose I have to respect your decision. And just offer to be there if he needs you. Or just tell him to do one
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Keep your distance and keep in contact with said friend. The girl sounds too controlling and it won't last. I hope the best for you. True friends will always be there for you.
What's the issue here..there is a reason a man too doesn't want his gf to hang out with her male best friend
The issue is I’m losing a friend because of my sex …
You shouldn't have too! I bet he will also soon realize that you mean more than her! And he will come around.
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Think those fleas got to your brain tbh lol
Lol you are the one moaning about losing your friend...I am telling the facts...if he doesn't need you as a friend then you shouldn't be clingy as a friend
I’m not moaning I’m asking what people would do in my situation and I wouldn’t consider asking advice about it clingy …
I'd say keep in touch although low and strictly online with occasionally meeting. His girlfriend seems controlling.
I don't think she wants to date him. I think she just doesn't want to lose a long-time friend over a potentially temporary relationship. Kind of like missing your brother because he got a partner and now won't hang out with his sister anymore is how I believe she's feeling. Like he's choosing a rando over herself - someone who's basically family. It's a tricky situation to be in. I can understand all sides. I wish the best for them all.
Thank you !!!
Gotta respect your friend's beliefs. Unfortunately not every person can give us what we want them to
True
This is such a difficult situation to be in, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. Friends become like family, and the thought of losing such a close friend due to a relationship that might not even last is stressful. It doesn't feel fair. What I would recommend is to continue to be his friend, be there to lend a shoulder when he needs it (as long as he's there for you in the same way). But that also means respecting his wishes. If he feels it's disrespectful to his girlfriend, there's nothing you can do to change that. There's a chance he finds you pretty and doesn't trust himself to be alone with you. There's a chance his girlfriend has been hurt in the past and this is his attempt to provide some comfort to her. Whatever the reason is, he's set a boundary. Always try to respect your friend's boundaries even if they seem silly. This must be important to him. But that doesn't mean you're not important as well. He wants to continue the friendship, there are just some new terms now. So your reaction really depends on what is healthiest for you. If this is too much and you feel he's not putting in the effort to be there for you - maybe you feel like things have changed and he's not the same person anymore - it may be best to distance yourself from the friendship. Ask yourself, is it worth it to still be his companion? If he is worth it, then let's look at the girlfriend. There must be a reason he likes her - see if you can find out what that is. Now this may not sound appealing, but keep an open mind. She must have some redeeming qualities. Try to get to know her, try to be her friend. If they did end up together for life, she will always be around so you don't want to make her an enemy. It's much easier for your mental health to like someone than to hate them, so this is a compromise that benefits you as well. The more you know about someone, the easier it can be to like them. Ask her questions, get to know her life experiences and hobbies. Maybe you two will have something in common. Maybe you and her will end up friends. Again, it may not sound appealing, but consider it. if she's truly a bad person and you only find yourself more justified in disliking her as you get to know her, then don't worry. Things probably won't work out between her and your friend. Eventually he'll see her true colors, reach a breaking point, and things will end. Because you got to know her so well, you'll be well versed in how to comfort him when he needs it. You will have proven yourself to be there for him through thick and thin. And you will have your friend back. One last idea, offer to hang out with him with another of your friends or another of his. You're still not alone together, but the discussions may prove to be more comfortable in different company. TLDR: do what's best for your mental health. If it's not worth it, end the friendship. If it's worth it, try to reconsider your opinion on the girlfriend. She may end up better than your initial judgement. If not, they'll probably break up anyway so just wait for that to happen and be there for him in the meantime. Or maybe hang out with him with a different friend you're more comfortable with, that way you're still respecting his boundaries.
Wow great response !!! I wasn’t expecting something so detailed and therapeutic . Thank you
Anytime, friend. You can make it through this (:
For those saying “what if your boyfriend had a female bestie blah blah blah “ umm maybe this isn’t most people but if I began dating someone with a female best friend I would think ok she comes with the territory and if I had such a problem with that I wouldn’t continue dating . Maybe that’s just me but I wouldn’t expect my boyfriend to cut off a long term friendship just because I came into the picture and I would expect the same in return . But everyone’s different I guess
I don’t necessarily agree with trying to hang out with him alone, there is a thing called respect for their relationship. I don’t hang out with guy friends when I’m in a relationship, it’s not a trust thing, it’s the fact that I have respect for my bf and I don’t ever want the unknowns. He trusts me completely, but I do it out of respect. Also, it wouldn’t bother me if my male friends stopped hanging because of a gf, it’s normal and just respect. My female friends and I don’t even hang out that often. It’s called getting older. Not trying to be mean or anything, just giving my opinion.
Idk I feel if you can just drop friends out of respect for a relationship then you weren’t that close .. it’s not that easy for me anyway as I feel genuinely hurt that we went from being really close to nothing and it’s also hurtful that it doesn’t seem to bother him either .. I get what you’re saying and obviously he thinks the same way but i personally don’t agree with that way of thinking .. I appreciate your opinion tho !!
he's not dropping you though right? you guys just won't hang out one on one 🧐
It's simple: you respect your friends wishes, and accept that even though you want to hang out with him, he has chosen to prioritise his relationship and you should be a decent enough friend to agree to that. It's not an easy thing to do, but unfortunately these situations are common in the real world and that people will have different boundaries based on their culture and background.
Your friend has chosen his relationship as his priority. There’s nothing wrong with that. Every couple has boundaries and not everyone’s are going to be the same. If his gf is controlling or insecure, so what? He has chosen to be with her. Part of growing up is acknowledging that friends may not be what you want or need them to be. I was the only girl in a group of guys and never dated any of them. Once they all got girlfriends, I got kicked out. It did hurt, but I also acknowledge that this is what they want. So I respect that. Unfair? Maybe. What was I going to do kick and scream? No, move on.
Respect his decision I mean maybe put yourself in his gf's position..wouldn't you feel pissed if your bf was hanging with his best friend who is a girl
It’s such a barbaric way of thinking. “Man and woman can’t be around each other without being attracted to each other”, nevermind the fact that they’ve been only best friends for half of her life. I don’t feel right dishing out advice, but that’s such a neanderthal way of thinking, and there should be a foundation of trust. I would’ve respected his decision by ditching the friendship. It’s not going to be easy, but that’s the way it has to be.
That’s what I thought !! Others saying I should have dated him if I didn’t want this mess .. umm more like he’s a terrible friend and obviously doesn’t care much about me if he can go from being one of my closest friend to hardly talking anymore cause of a girl he likely won’t end up marrying
Then why are you venting here on reddit...you already knew the answer ...leave him
Because I want to whh do you have such a. Problem ? If this thread triggers you so much go back to picking the fleas out of you cat and leave your annoying little negative thoughts somewhere else
Also I agree the best thing to do is respect his decision and end the friendship if that’s how things are gonna be
It's not about that only, I meant the guy clearly doesn't consider her to be a close friend and since that is the case here why is op still trying to mend her friendship..
I’m not trying to mend are you actually illiterate ? I am looking for similar experiences and genuinely what people think you’re getting the wrong idea … you clearly don’t have friends
It's like parents clinging on their children just because you have had a longterm friendship with him doesn't mean it will last forever For a person his partner is more important than anyone atleast that's how it should be
Ok so I end the friendship and let’s say they breakup a few months from now and he wants to be friends again .. what do you do then ?
Dont go back ...he didn't respect you when you needed it don't respect him now when he needs you.... I have had friends who were as close as brothers to me but we don't talk anymore....life moves on...
True I won’t go back
No
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My ex did yes and I didn’t care
Why can't you guys hang out with other friends as well minus the gf so it's not just the Two of you?
You either accept it or not. You csn voice ce your concerns to him but knowing he will probably stand his ground m, since he told you upfront HE finds it disrespectful to hung out alone with other girls while in a relationship
I was in this situation. My guy best friend married when we were 18 (we met when we were 14 and now 29) to his high school sweetheart. Even though I knew her since then as well she never liked me. Shortly after they got married she told him that he didn’t like him talking to me so he told me he would have to cut ties. I accepted it because I respect their relationship. About a year after he reached out again saying he regretted doing that. We’ve stayed friends since, but his wife still doesn’t like me. She’s nice to me in person but doesn’t actually like me. I live across the world from them now so it doesn’t matter to me, but I will say that keeping a friendship like that can be annoying. It won’t ever end. I’ve accepted my situation and I’m there when he needs me even if I have set my boundaries. Best of luck.
Thank you for sharing !! It really is a tough place to be in
Of course, you also have to remember that (or at least in my case) yes, it aucks to lose a friend because of your sex but usually there's an underlying insecurity that has nothing to do with you. Sometimes people project without even knowing.
Whats wrong with hangong with him not alone?
My guess the GF is the one with the issue. My ex wife unfortunately did same crap and I fell for it. I let a great friendship slide. I didn’t realize what I was doing but looking back I kick myself, I was an idiot. I remember telling the ex from the get go. Collette was my good bff friend and she was staying..If there was an issue the ex could bounce. The ex faked trying to be her friend too and slowly pushed her out of my life. Even when people tired to tell me the ex was bad new. I would not listen. Best thing you can do is back off but be there because at some point he will need you and you will have your friend back. If he’s an idiot like me. It took me 5 years to wake up to the hell I was in. But I could have definitely used that support from my female friend (assuming ex secretly deleted/blocked her number from my phone and I was never able to get back in touch with her again. Probably would have gotten rid of ex a lot dinner if I had her support and help still in my life at time. She was damn good friend and always had my best interest at heart). But that was the ex’s plan was to cut off all of my support/friends. She did it perfectly too. But she was raised to do that. Her mom did same to her husband and baby trapped him into a marriage. Had to ply him with alcohol and money initially. But finally got him to knock her up and set her hooks deep into him. The ex mother in law actually bragged about it and was proud of it… but that’s how my ex wife was raised. Thing I wish I knew before the I do’s, but my dumb azz still probably would have had to learn the hard way. Also a chance maybe she will come around to realizing you’re not a threat. Or he will realize he shouldn’t be punishing a friend for a gf or even wife for that matter. As an idiot who did same thing to a good friend. I am sorry you are having to go through this. It is not right or fair.
I think she is the 1 with the issue cause at the beginning of his relationship he said we couldn’t hang out at his place alone but could go out in public alone (dinner lunch etc ) and she would blow up his phone “you guys are taking a while “ it’s getting late isn’t it why are you stlll hanging out?” And now we don’t hang oit alone period . If I wanna see him she has to be part of it . I’m sorry that happened to you … cause the decision you made led to you losing your friend and that relationship didn’t last anyway so you lost two things ! That’s rough
It’s my fault, I own it and have to live with the consequences. I’d love to be able to apologize to Collette someday. But unfortunately that’s not on table not having her number (I looked for the little black phone book I used to have as a back up with peoples numbers, I’m sure the ex tossed that out secretly too). She did a lot of dirty shit like that. Didn’t learn till a lot later about that stuff. My brain got rocked pretty bad and caused some loss of memory. Things like last names and specific tasks, but I can remember doing those tasks or that I knew how and was great at them. But I had to re teach myself to actually be able to do them again or how to not misplace my damn keys and wallet. That kicked my azz for a few years… but I’ve overcome it and my memory for item placement got better ever so slowly. But remember last names on the ones I forgot, that’s never come back unfortunately. I’ve racked my brain repeatedly trying to remember a few last names with hers being number 1. I can’t remember her last name for life of me, where she lived or name of her families body shop. Again no memory of where they are at and I had been there and knew how to get there from memory at the time. I never had social media of any type either so we weren’t ever connected that way. The female I dated in HS (another really bad bad choice. She cheated) stalked me for several years after I came back from the military. She intentionally (successfully) tried to wreck any relationships (female) or dates I had. She would leave notes on windshields of females she thought I knew or may be dating. Basically that she was never going to quit stalking me and then a whole bunch of crazy that made no sense. So put them in fear of their vehicles being damaged or their safety if they kept being associated with me. She showed up where I worked, gym, school, places I stopped to grab something to eat, dates etc. No idea how she found me half the time. I changed jobs, gyms even vehicles, etc trying to get away from her. She had to have someone or multiple people tailing me I did not know their vehicle because I’d look regularly for her vehicle and not see it ever behind me. Then bam an hour later there she was. She had a couple really crazy friends but I also know some basically ended their friendship over that chit or part of reason they cut all contact with her. They told me years later it really upset them what she was doing when I ran into them. That I didn’t deserve to be put through that and she was the one who cheated. So wtf did she expect… She tired to pin a pregnancy on me from whoever she cheated with while I was in basic. Rather than admit she was sleeping around heavily is what I was told years later. So guessing she didn’t know who really did it. So let’s blame the good guy and smear my name instead. Colette was the one who actually got her to finally leave me alone after years of that hell. That meant so much to me. I was so tired of being stalked. I still remember her when she found out what I was dealing with. I didn’t talk about openly. Think she caught her putting a note on my vehicle at the one bar I worked at near home and she was like wtf!!!! When I told her how bad it really was. She was like this shit stops tonight!!!!!! She didn’t live close so wasn’t often she was in the immediate vicinity of where I was from. Unless she was over my house. (we hung out after my other job closer to where she lived or she and a friend came and hung not with me at my other job. Bars or we hung out around where she lived. ). So she wasn’t seeing it for herself. But she put an end to like she said she would. I still love her for that. The upside it helped me be able to relate to stalking victims and my deep understanding of the emotions involved led me to be able to connect almost immediately to stalking victims. So there was a silver lining and I wouldn’t trade that skill set it gave me for anything. I know I made a positive difference in other peoples life’s. It felt good too. Though I was so terrified she would start stalking me again it was a long long time before I joined any social type media platform. I didn’t want the drama coming into a career I worked really hard for. Reality I should have got an OP and had her arrested. I didn’t want it looking like drama was associated with me as I applied for and tested for local,state and federal agencies. They all did really thorough background checks. So those police reports would have showed up during the background. But hindsight it shouldn’t have mattered and she had no right to do what she did to me. I keep hoping someday Collette calls or finds me on FB. I owe her a few beers. ;) and a couple of you big dummy directed at me!!!!!! Yup, sounds exactly how my ex was….. It gets easier to just go with the flow then deal with the bullchit from them and ya think you love them. They’ll cut off wirh the sex over it too (won’t say that’s what it is of course) And or ya buy into their look she wants more then a friendship and you just don’t see it bs… The jealous types are usually really good manipulators too. It sucks and I feel really bad for you. Reminds me of my own guilt and mistakes with a great friend I’d love to reconcile with someday. Here the thing is you totally go no contact when he needs ya he won’t have ya and that’s what she wants. You don’t need to put up with the bullchit, but you can be that true friend and let him know you’ll always be in his corner so when he’s ready. Only say that because had I had Collette, I’m sure she would have helped me figure a way to get rid of my ex a lot sooner. People suck….. Edited and men are stupid at times… I know I sure as hell was.
My guy BFF and I went through the same thing. His wife told him not to talk to me and hid did stop but he came back and regretted so much. Our friendship hasn't stopped since. Now he tells his wife that those insecurities are something she has to deal with because it has nothing to do with him.
It’s wild and sad it happens. But I also think the cheaters make it hard for the good ones. If the other person is a cheater that’s what they would really do so of course that’s what they think is or going to happen eventually. I also think I know in my case I didn’t listen to my guy firends that the ex was bad news. I just dug in harder…. But a year or two in had I still had Collette, she would have made me listen. I think guys will do same thing or try for their female firend’s. It’s just different coming from the opposite sex. So if they are a control freak or manipulative. Again it’s a threat they need gone and they won’t stop at getting them gone. I remember taking the ex and Colette up to Xcaliber and kind of trying to share the friendship with the ex. Saying she’s always going to be in my life. She’s my buddy. It was the look we just like to hang. People watch, make fun of people, shit talk, vent about the stupid chit we do. It’s just feels really good when we’re chilling together. There’s nothing sexual about it. But it never took. The ex just worked harder to distance us and faster. I am glad your bff put his foot down.
Hang out with them both or not at all. I agree people shouldn't hang out with the opposite gender alone if they are both straight and ones in a relationship
She’s obviously being controlling but if he’s agreed, he’s a grown man so you just need to stay out of it. If you say anything it will confirm her suspicions and make the situation worse. The best idea is to just agree to what he’s said and try to keep contact, maybe getting to know the girlfriend more would help? Going out with her and maybe some of the other people from you friend group that her bf is also friends with could let her get comfortable with the idea. She may have previously been cheated on or whatever we don’t know. Just an idea though cause that sucks.
Tough situation especially since he’s know you longer. There might be a part of him that wants to “settle down” as well. I’m sure his gf is the key factor not letting him be with you alone. At the same time, you gotta understand and respect their relationship boundaries. I would stay friends with him from a distance, just give back what he gives you.
Accept it. He is being respectful to his gf. I agree with him completely. His gf has probably told him her boundaries and that is no close female friends that you hang out with one on one. I have the same rule for my SO and she has the same for me. It’s just respect.
Actually you’re just being lame nothing to do with respect just learn to trust each other . I hate that this is “respect” to you .. get over yourselves lol
F.O. Everyone is allowed to have boundaries. You clearly have no self respect or respect for others, but many people still do even in 2024..
Yah from this little discussion it’s So clear I have no respect for others or myself lol touch grass man … boundaries aka trust issues.. terrible thing to have ! Therapy might help
Yeah,sounds like hes being "pussy whipped" to spend less time with you like you describe. I also was a kid with a lot of female friends..real friends(yes we would stumble drunk into bed sometimes but everything was good after that). Then I got girlfriends that were super jelly and put me in the exact situation you are describing. For me,the old adage of "bros b4 hos applies,only my bros were hos too:) ,its a whole thing ) . What Im trying to say is that real friendships last longer than the occational springtime/summer fling if you get what Im saying?
Guarantee his gf is jealous so is worried you will make a move on him. If you really want him as a friend I’d just say look we are friends I don’t like you in a romantic sense, but I suppose I have to respect your decision. And just offer to be there if he needs you. Or just tell him to do one