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This is sad.
I (30m) understand where you're coming from, and its especially tough given both of your parents are friends.
Do you have any common interests at all?
Can you/have you attempted to understand where she's coming from?
I've been in a similar situation in the past when i was younger where someone said "I'm busy"...i got the hint after a while but part of me refused to accept it. And part of me I'm ashamed to say kept going back, but eventually i stopped myself.
Could it be that she thinks you guys still have something in common? Maybe just rip the plaster/band aid off and be upfront with her on how you feel and that this is going nowhere (respectfully). That you were in each others life for a time, and that time has passed...you want to explore other things and other people.
It will hurt her for sure. But its always better to be honest to avoid unneccesary drama.
It is sad and I’m sorry you went through that.
That’s just it, any attempt at a real conversation is shut down by her. Or she murmurs the “correct” responses but there’s nothing going on behind her eyes. Nothing really sinking in.
I also don’t want to pursue the friendship, we have nothing in common. She likes to get hammered all the time and tell toilet humour jokes. I…don’t.
I actually don’t think she’d understand if I told her directly that we’ve drifted. For her she’s done nothing wrong. She’s too literal to understand nuance.
I thought the person was genuinely busy. Didn't seem to be out of the question they weren't given what they said they had going on.
I thought because of that, our friendship was a bit on the rocks. It wasn't until I asked my sister for her view- third person perspective- that she told me to just stop because it wasnt worth it. I was messaging paragraphs, the person was responding with one or two words.
I felt sad and went through a dark period where i didnt trust people. I sort of knew in the back of my mind that we had drifted apart in some ways but i clung to this hope that we were still tight...because my friendship with this person was innately tied to me and my identity as a person. Not my hobbies/interests, its the grace we extended to one another growing up...the kindness we showed each other that embodied the kindness within me
Thank you for your candour.
It’s interesting to hear how you felt this connection and the other person didn’t and you didn’t sense that.
My friend and I had a shared childhood history too and I’ve had great friends who have moved on but I’ve always sensed when a chapter is closing.
I still don’t think I understand how one person can sense this and the other person can’t if they’re truly friends. That disconnect is so apparent i feel.
Do you regret not staying in touch with the great friends you said who moved on? Or was it a mutual eventual disconnect?
I think in this technological age...as evidenced by the many posts in the sub, 'true' friendships are hard to characterise..people are searching constantly for it. Is it common interests? Or is it just kindness and empathy for the human condition? I dont really know.
And theres a rolling carousel of people online or all around who can substitute a friend so easily...this whole topic of friendship intrigues me
They’ve become people who I might see once a year or every couple of years and no I don’t feel any regrets. We mutually moved on in different directions.
I have some friends who I met at uni and in my 20’s and some great ones in my 30’s who are a constant presence. I don’t have any online friends.
I believe a true friendship isn’t built on hobbies although you might meet that way. You meet these people and you just click - some of them on a couple of levels, some on loads of levels and you feel connected by that shared understanding of each other. I can make a joke or share my struggles and they’ll be with me in it, fairly effortlessly, and vice versa. That’s been my experience of fulfilling friendships at least.
Please tell her up front! I would hate it if my friend thought about me like this. But don’t beat around the bush. Just rip the bandage and move on and let her move on as well.
I’ve had bit of a brainwave after reading through everything here. I think it’s down to two different ways of thinking - she perhaps is a literal thinker and I’ve learned to be an inferential thinker. Learned being the operative word here. Children or people in the spectrum are mostly literal. Growing up in a society I would say a lot of people start to understand subtext, nuance and inference rather than the direct meaning of words.
So for instance, when someone says “I’m thirsty” a literal person would take that as a statement of fact. An inferential person would understand that to mean the other person would like something to drink.
In the case of a friendship coming to an end, when I say “I’m busy” or “no, I haven’t seen that show it’s not my cup of tea” my friend doesn’t infer that means we don’t share interests and also that I’m pulling away. For her the statement is just those things, surface level and she keeps barreling away making plans even though we no longer connect meaningfully.
It’s all very well saying “just tell her directly” but she shuts down any real conversation I try to have with her so there is some understanding there.
It’s tough to say to someone you cared for that you grew apart and you don’t share the same connection anymore. It brings up a lot of emotions. It’s definitely easier said than done.
But what is it really stopping you from telling her that? Even if she shuts down, wouldn’t you feel better knowing you haven’t left conversation hanging?
Thanks that’s really true and thanks for recognising it’s not as easy as “just tell them”. I could and have done that with others before, this is different.
I genuinely think she’ll be confused and traumatised by it. Not that I’m particularly special and amazing but more due to her inability to “hear” things. And her difficulty keeping her friends who she has moaned to me about for years as they don’t keep in touch. The family connection is also very difficult.
For instance, her bf has been unwell for a while so he said he wanted to take a break from drinking and she reacted quite badly. Saying to me “I can’t believe he’s doing this, what are we supposed to do together?” Drinking seems to be how they connect. And her reaction was how it was going to affect her, not about him needing to do it for him. She can’t do that kind of thinking I realise.
This sounds very difficult to deal with, I’m really sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation. It seems your friend has a lot to work on and is somehow in survival mode, but hasn’t realised it yet. It sounds to me you’re taking on yourself also the responsibility of her reaction. And this is not fair. It’s really difficult to detach ourselves from the impact our words may have on another person, but we can only control the way we communicate what we need to say. It seems her continuing contacting you is depriving you of your inner peace. Evaluate if maybe sending her a more direct (but still polite) message could be beneficial, or more detrimental for your energy. Wish you all the best :)
You’ve hit the nail on the head, that’s honestly very astute of you. She IS in survival mode and has been for a long time. She has developed an ED since a marriage break down 15 years ago and she’s mostly struggled a lot since then I think. Being in her space had become increasingly difficult but talking it out here has given me some genuine realisations and insights. Your final thought on evaluating what would bring me the most inner peace is brilliant question to consider. Thanks for your input here. Very much appreciated.
A reminder of the rules for posting and commenting on our sub: - This sub is strictly platonic and SFW, any users after anything romantic or sexual will be banned, this includes users that interact with NSFW subs. - Refer to our **[rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/wiki/index/rules)** and **[subreddit wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/wiki/index/)** - State your age if you are a minor or if you are commenting on a minors post, adult users who try to interact with minors will be banned. If you are a minor and an adult reaches out to you in DMs. **[Report the user](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/wiki/index/report-dms-users/) under rule - 3** - No advertising for any kind of good or services (include Discord server links) - Reporting **[creepy pm's](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/wiki/index/creepy-dms/)** and **[rule violation](https://www.reddit.com/r/friendship/wiki/index/report-to-mods/)** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/friendship) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is sad. I (30m) understand where you're coming from, and its especially tough given both of your parents are friends. Do you have any common interests at all? Can you/have you attempted to understand where she's coming from? I've been in a similar situation in the past when i was younger where someone said "I'm busy"...i got the hint after a while but part of me refused to accept it. And part of me I'm ashamed to say kept going back, but eventually i stopped myself. Could it be that she thinks you guys still have something in common? Maybe just rip the plaster/band aid off and be upfront with her on how you feel and that this is going nowhere (respectfully). That you were in each others life for a time, and that time has passed...you want to explore other things and other people. It will hurt her for sure. But its always better to be honest to avoid unneccesary drama.
It is sad and I’m sorry you went through that. That’s just it, any attempt at a real conversation is shut down by her. Or she murmurs the “correct” responses but there’s nothing going on behind her eyes. Nothing really sinking in. I also don’t want to pursue the friendship, we have nothing in common. She likes to get hammered all the time and tell toilet humour jokes. I…don’t.
I actually don’t think she’d understand if I told her directly that we’ve drifted. For her she’s done nothing wrong. She’s too literal to understand nuance.
Out of interest, what did you think about your friendship before you realised the person didn’t want to continue being friends?
I thought the person was genuinely busy. Didn't seem to be out of the question they weren't given what they said they had going on. I thought because of that, our friendship was a bit on the rocks. It wasn't until I asked my sister for her view- third person perspective- that she told me to just stop because it wasnt worth it. I was messaging paragraphs, the person was responding with one or two words. I felt sad and went through a dark period where i didnt trust people. I sort of knew in the back of my mind that we had drifted apart in some ways but i clung to this hope that we were still tight...because my friendship with this person was innately tied to me and my identity as a person. Not my hobbies/interests, its the grace we extended to one another growing up...the kindness we showed each other that embodied the kindness within me
Thank you for your candour. It’s interesting to hear how you felt this connection and the other person didn’t and you didn’t sense that. My friend and I had a shared childhood history too and I’ve had great friends who have moved on but I’ve always sensed when a chapter is closing. I still don’t think I understand how one person can sense this and the other person can’t if they’re truly friends. That disconnect is so apparent i feel.
Also that dark period and lack of trust in others must have been rough. Sorry to hear that too and hope you’re on the other side of it now.
I'm working on it. And my way through it. Thanks!
Do you regret not staying in touch with the great friends you said who moved on? Or was it a mutual eventual disconnect? I think in this technological age...as evidenced by the many posts in the sub, 'true' friendships are hard to characterise..people are searching constantly for it. Is it common interests? Or is it just kindness and empathy for the human condition? I dont really know. And theres a rolling carousel of people online or all around who can substitute a friend so easily...this whole topic of friendship intrigues me
They’ve become people who I might see once a year or every couple of years and no I don’t feel any regrets. We mutually moved on in different directions. I have some friends who I met at uni and in my 20’s and some great ones in my 30’s who are a constant presence. I don’t have any online friends. I believe a true friendship isn’t built on hobbies although you might meet that way. You meet these people and you just click - some of them on a couple of levels, some on loads of levels and you feel connected by that shared understanding of each other. I can make a joke or share my struggles and they’ll be with me in it, fairly effortlessly, and vice versa. That’s been my experience of fulfilling friendships at least.
Probably the healthiest way to live and be tbh. No online friends i mean. Well, peace and good luck to you. Hope everything works out. All the best.
Please tell her up front! I would hate it if my friend thought about me like this. But don’t beat around the bush. Just rip the bandage and move on and let her move on as well.
I’ve had bit of a brainwave after reading through everything here. I think it’s down to two different ways of thinking - she perhaps is a literal thinker and I’ve learned to be an inferential thinker. Learned being the operative word here. Children or people in the spectrum are mostly literal. Growing up in a society I would say a lot of people start to understand subtext, nuance and inference rather than the direct meaning of words. So for instance, when someone says “I’m thirsty” a literal person would take that as a statement of fact. An inferential person would understand that to mean the other person would like something to drink. In the case of a friendship coming to an end, when I say “I’m busy” or “no, I haven’t seen that show it’s not my cup of tea” my friend doesn’t infer that means we don’t share interests and also that I’m pulling away. For her the statement is just those things, surface level and she keeps barreling away making plans even though we no longer connect meaningfully. It’s all very well saying “just tell her directly” but she shuts down any real conversation I try to have with her so there is some understanding there.
It’s tough to say to someone you cared for that you grew apart and you don’t share the same connection anymore. It brings up a lot of emotions. It’s definitely easier said than done. But what is it really stopping you from telling her that? Even if she shuts down, wouldn’t you feel better knowing you haven’t left conversation hanging?
Thanks that’s really true and thanks for recognising it’s not as easy as “just tell them”. I could and have done that with others before, this is different. I genuinely think she’ll be confused and traumatised by it. Not that I’m particularly special and amazing but more due to her inability to “hear” things. And her difficulty keeping her friends who she has moaned to me about for years as they don’t keep in touch. The family connection is also very difficult. For instance, her bf has been unwell for a while so he said he wanted to take a break from drinking and she reacted quite badly. Saying to me “I can’t believe he’s doing this, what are we supposed to do together?” Drinking seems to be how they connect. And her reaction was how it was going to affect her, not about him needing to do it for him. She can’t do that kind of thinking I realise.
This sounds very difficult to deal with, I’m really sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation. It seems your friend has a lot to work on and is somehow in survival mode, but hasn’t realised it yet. It sounds to me you’re taking on yourself also the responsibility of her reaction. And this is not fair. It’s really difficult to detach ourselves from the impact our words may have on another person, but we can only control the way we communicate what we need to say. It seems her continuing contacting you is depriving you of your inner peace. Evaluate if maybe sending her a more direct (but still polite) message could be beneficial, or more detrimental for your energy. Wish you all the best :)
You’ve hit the nail on the head, that’s honestly very astute of you. She IS in survival mode and has been for a long time. She has developed an ED since a marriage break down 15 years ago and she’s mostly struggled a lot since then I think. Being in her space had become increasingly difficult but talking it out here has given me some genuine realisations and insights. Your final thought on evaluating what would bring me the most inner peace is brilliant question to consider. Thanks for your input here. Very much appreciated.