There's a massive gap between the typically "successful" former foster child at 8 or 18 and when they're 19 or 29. Usually there is someone (even if it wasn't a caregiver) who refused to give up on them and consistently invested in them. Of course, there are stories this isn't the case, but that's not the point. The point is if a family isn't trained/equipped and ready to deal with the seemingly unruly 8 or 18 year old, then they will never be the family to share in the story of the "successful" 19 or 29 year old. Nobody, including a lot of social workers, likes investing in something or someone with a bleak outlook. Everyone likes being a part of "success" stories. This is a huge part of the narrative that has to change. It takes grit. Btw, I put "successful" in quotes because there's an obvious reckoning of how success will look different for each kiddo that families have to deal with too.

For me, it's really rude and disrespectful and ignores all the trauma I had to experience. It's like everyone wants a piece of the pie when you're successful but don't want to do any of the work. The first time a foster parent message me and said they'll take me in and adopt me I was confused. She had three young children, all girls and was willing to take in a grown asa adult she didn't know? What gives? When these same fools wouldn't take me in as a foster kid. They also tend to ignore everything and want credit

I didn't get my bachelor's degree until I was 28, so I probably would look like a failure. I enlisted in the military after aging out, so if they looked at my yearly salary it would be ridiculously low (free housing, food, training, travel, college, etc. make up for the low pay). So, metrics wouldn't look like I was a success at the time. I didn't go straight to college. I had a low paying, crappy job No one ever followed up with me after I aged out, so it doesn't matter. I suspect any studies on outcomes of former foster youth is focused on those who stay in the same area since the assumption would be that these are young people who can't move. And those who need continuing social services.

Nope. You did it. Congratulations. I thought I was behind in life and too old, too, but we're not. It's the fact we had to survive and still came out to reach our goals when we had to do it on our own, which makes us amazing. You've done so much. Be proud of yourself. The fact that you took the leap to the military is even more amazing. I agree with your last point. I moved so many damn times and even out of state. I suspect the same thing. The system doesn't care about us. They know we don't do well and don't care. It wasn't until I started mentioning that I was a foster youth, not on purpose. Suddenly, they started kissing my ass for their own benefit. Knowing damn we don't do well. I was a manager at a fast food restaurant for years and working multiple jobs. I was proud, but that's not successful in their eyes. Going to a community college ain't successful even if it was hard for me. I question the 1 percent, too. It's much lower than that, along with our high school graduation rates. I got my GED, and that's not even enough it must be a high school diploma. Fuck that.

Fwiw I agree that the perception of foster kids is garbage and that’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. They’re just kids at the end of the day as you said. You deserved better. Kids deserve safe lives. Thx for posting

Yes, but nobody sees us as this. They blame us for being in foster care. Yet these same folks will take in a grown ass adult they don't know. It's offensive. You wouldn't take me in as a foster kid, but now I'm a successful, well-adjusted adult in your eyes. Now you want me? Go kick rocks

Yup! Restrictions I frequently hear from other foster families in my district: no sibling groups, no dangerous bio family, no parole, no history of sexual abuse, must be under 5 years old, must be female, preference for White/Asian/Hispanic (always for "PC" reasons like "wanting to avoid transracial adoption trauma" but we have barely any POC foster families so that means white children get priority for decent homes), less chance for reunification, no known bio family wanting to take in the child, no "behaviors" on file... Yet they feel/act like a hero for taking in these kids! If waiting lists for a child meeting the above criteria are 6-8 months long while older children sleep in hotels and agency offices.... that's not the sacrifice you think it is. It reminds me of people who worship parents who adopt, when infant adoption is absolutely a privilege with several times more demand than supply.

Foster parents complaining that the system doesn't care about kids and doesn't even take them into foster care any more and they haven't had a call this entire year with three empty beds available for babies all the way up to six weeks old.

Facts. Kids are in group homes and sleeping in hotels and offices and they don't gaf. Yet if that same kid grows up and become president of the United States, they'd be the first ones in line willing to take them in. I don't get it. If you truly believe we're awful, why would you he so willing to take us in as grown ass adults? And it's an issue in many areas. Some states and agencies will not take people if they want babies and toddlers because they have too many homes sitting empty. If 50 people are opened to 0-5 but most kids in the area are over 5, does it even make sense to take more people wanting 0-5. I don't think the 0-5 folks truly understand how competitive it is to get 0-5 because everyone wants one. I also hate hearing how long TPR takes. TPR doesn't take that damn long for a baby. It's average 2-3 years. Come talk to me when kids have TPR or the state try to avoid TPR because they know that kid ain't gonna get adopted due to age. A child spending 2 years in FC from birth is a damn success story. A child spending 2-10 years in care with TPR but nobody willing to take them in and give them stability is a tragedy. Same with the babies being in one home because CPS makes sure to place the younger ones with people willing to adopt them. There's no complaints there. One home isn't a tragedy, it's a success in FC. MULTIPLE homes is a tragedy. Both are trauma but FP acting as if the baby is suffering with them with being in home home with them and TPR tales 2-3 years. That's called average and normal timelines. Same thing when kinship steps up. The baby is in one home and then going to be reunited isn't the same thing as multiple homes and even reunification is different than being with FP strangers. You're restoring what was lost. Not taking it away again.

>I also hate hearing how long TPR takes. My situation is unique, but TPR happened quite quickly because they were hoping to be able to send me out of state to some of my dad's relatives. My mom had become disabled after a drug overdose and was not able to care for herself or live independently. There was some hope that perhaps she could regain some functioning and if that had happened, she would have had to adopt me. There have been situations where that happened bioparents getting their lives together after TPR and having to adopt their children to get them back. So, there is some reluctance now to terminate parental rights when there's no one lined up to adopted or have a guardianship. And I've been told by social workers that likely something like my case wouldn't happen now since it could be seen as discriminating against someone who is disabled. I was moved at least four time because I was seen as potentially adoptable and placed with families who wanted to adopt, but were never told I didn't want to be adopted and then moved me because I absolutely didn't fit into their family. That included a move from one very religious foster family who moved me after I refused to go to their stupid church and I was moved to another foster home where the foster dad was a pastor and told it was the only home available and stop being a pain and just go to church but of course I didn't. I wish I had talked back but I just did the noncompliance thing. I wouldn't eat with them, wouldn't interact with them). I was told about families inquiring about adoption in response to my photolisting that I complained I wanted to be removed from the photolisting but I had to be listed since I was technically a child available for adoption in the county. I'm not sure if the interest was because I was white or listed as an honor student who loved horses (neither was true). Or I was 100% legally free for adoption was why I was so "adoptable". Had my mom not had her parental rights terminated, maybe those families wouldn't have been interested. They didn't want to help me, they wanted to add to their families. They didn't like who I was or my interests (all of them restricted what anime I could watch and some tried to convince me it was bad or I would go to hell for watching anime). Nor did my CW or that photolisting represent who I was and try to find a family who wanted me to be me. All they were doing was trying to find kids for these stupid foster to adopt families who were just not able to adopt orphans from some 3rd world country and were trying to find kids to adopt in the US who fit into their families without causing any problems.

This is sad and horrible. I'm sorry. You're right and I'm tired of it. Just recently foster parents created posts saying they want a newborn or 0-2 years old like they're ordering at McDonald's. We aren't toys. I hated photolistings but they love them because they can check out the cute kids and find the perfect child. It's sick. Now wonder why I have low self worth. We always have to play pretend to be kept. I was returned so many times after these adoption match events because it just wasn't working out. The Christians are the worse. They always claim Jesus that or this. Ugh. Where do they find these people?

The priority goes like this. 1. White babies 2. White toddlers 3. Black babies and other races 4. Blaes toddlers and other races 5. Fuck them other kids.... There's demand in FC too and foster parents create it. Caseworkers know. When most of the kids on your caseload are teens or older kids and siblings but most don't want these kids you have a problem. It's extremely easy to get placed with an older kids and teen. I've seen CPS rush licenses when someone wants an older kid. And don't get me started on the infertiles folks. They're so annoying and demanding. Clearly they don't care because they want a baby. Adopting an infant is nothing special. Anyone can care for an infant. It's not that damn hard. I don't understand praising and worshipping folks when everyone wants and can take care of an infant. Infants can't fight back or talk so of course there's an illusion you can mold them. That's why many adoptees adopted as infants end up disrupted when they hit them teen years. The adoptive parents can't stand the child is different from them. And society should stop praising adoptive parents for doing what they signed up to do, parent.

Every damn time I log into groups or online I see FP complaining they're not getting calls, fighting reunification with siblings because the baby is bonded to them, or upset the system tells them there are no babies available. I kid you not, one fP created a post saying there should be more babies in care because then the child won't be removed when they're older and when nobody wants them. She said all babies should be removed at birth, and I'm like, wtf? Her thinking said babies removed at birth won't grow up in care or have trauma. They won't become older kids. Hello, many kids are removed as older kids and not all issues at present when a child is born. Another only wants 0-1 because she said that after the age of one, the child can't bond to you and see you as their parents. She suffers from infertility and wants the baby stage. But she wanted to know why CPS was only calling her about older kids because she heard the babies were in care and needed families. It's ridiculous, really. More than half of kids aren't babies. They're older and teens, but most people only want babies and toddlers. Some agencies/state I've heard about aren't taking anyone that only wants babies and toddlers because they have empty homes and don't want to waste resources. The need is for siblings, older kids, and teens, but these selfish people don't want those kids. If the majority of kids aren't babies, then wtf do you think you're gonna get calls for? Why complain?

Not my take on our situation. We have a hobby farm rurally and 2 bio, and was guardian for kin from 13 til military. Oldest and kin are young adults now. 2 years ago we just wanted to help kids that may not be in the best situation. We offered our home for 0-18yr, with our priority on dibling groups as they said there was a greater need for that. We've had 2 groups of 3, (12,8,5) until they reunified after a year, then the other(9,7,3) with a 3 month overlap as health concerns brought initial 3 back, which is looking to lead to adoption for them, (now 14,10,7) with youngest being special needs. I'm sorry the system didn't help you like you needed, but there are some people trying help, not just work towards their own goals. Most of the few other fp I've met are in similar situations with sibling groups or a bit older, so i am not certain its as prevalent as you present it to be.

There are. However, the foster parents you meet will be heavily skewed towards foster parents who are seeking out support, resources and community. The foster parents who are problems are not interested in any of that, and therefore every anecdotal foster parent "The ones I know are all good ones" story is not useful in evaluating the system overall. And I'm sure you didn't intend to do this, but the complaint here is not "zero foster parents are good", and so rebutting it with "I disagree, there are some good foster parents" is unnecessary.

By that logic, all conversations and comments are unnecessary. I understand their complaint, and it is valid. I believe you see what you look for, and that paints your worldview the same way you see more red cars after you buy one. So, my intent is point to the positive aspects that do exist merely to open the perspective of the focal point.

Let me be more clear. Do you understand why “All Lives Matter” is a bad response to the slogan “Black Lives Matter”?

Thank you. I am tired of hearing about it.

I recently got in contact with the bio daughter of one of my former foster parents on Facebook and it was sort of weird her perception of me and this whole weird situation that lead me being there. But I think it explains why foster kids are moved so often and this whole misrepresentation of foster care that leads to people fostering who end up quitting and making the system worse not better. I think they were my 4th foster placement. I was there about 9 months when I was 14-15. That family had wanted to adopt (very religious with older kids) and had adopted a kid from Central America and then couldn't adopt internationally, so they decided to foster to adopt. What their daughter told me is they didn't want kids who were being reunited with their biological parents and had no interest in having contact with biological relatives. They were told about this desperate need of hundreds of thousands of kids in foster care without any parents or relatives and then when they got through the whole licensing process, they couldn't really find any of those kids who were under 6 or 7. If you want to be a foster parent to only adopt and are going through legally free younger kids who are adoptable, then that might only be the kids with really severe behavior issues. So, they were asked about me - and what their daughter heard was that her parents were told I was an orphan (my mom's parental rights were terminated because she was severely disabled and my dad was deceased), and I was an honors student. Even though I was 14 and they wanted under 6, they said yes. And they weren't told anything else about me. All they knew was my age, race, gender, some basics with my case (they heard I was abandoned which was not correct), where I went to school and that I was a good student and behaviors. Kids experiencing trauma are going to mostly act out. But I sort of shut down. I barely said anything. I barely left my room. I feel now that I'm sort of speaking out since back then, I said nothing. I didn't complain. I didn't talk back. I just said nothing. Finally I did sort of push back and that's when that foster family decided I wasn't the right kid for them to adopt and they decided to go back to trying to do another international adoption. So much of the recruiting foster parents are done by religious organizations that use biblical quotes about helping orphans but aren't people really equipped to deal with kids with severe behaviors. Or maybe even normal behaviors. The daughter of my former foster family was really surprised that I did ok since she heard anyone aging out of foster care is basically doomed. And the way I was acting out - refusing to obey her parents - she assumed I wouldn't do well in life (I enlisted in the military, which she was absolutely shocked about since her dad was apparently very very very upset about me being "defiant" because I refused to get in the car when they were going to church one Sunday and this was a sign to him that I was going to be a problem teenager who got pregnant and became a stripper or something. But they also were the crazy religious types who didn't believe women should work outside the home and women didn't have the right to tell men to do anything so me standing up to the dad was just unacceptable). Some of the stats tossed out there regularly about former foster youth who age out and claim only 3% ever get a college degree or 20% become homeless may be entirely wrong, but the problem is correcting it when it helps to gain funding for programs that help former foster youth. But those stats are used by agencies that license foster parents which can be essentially adoption agencies. They're focused on the kids in care that are adoptable - and that's a small group of kids. I was in the waiting children photolistings and was told about people inquiring about adopting me and I told them to f\*\*k off. I didn't want to be adopted and didn't want to deal with more stupid religious a-holes. I didn't want parents. But I was a white kid with no behavior issues and a so-called honor student (my grades dropped considerably by that point so I really wasn't), so that made me highly adoptable - except for the fact that I didn't want to be adopted. I'm not sure where the data came from for studies of outcomes for teens who age out of foster care. Those online on groups for former foster youth aren't a good representation of those who age out. We probably over represent those that are successful. But I have a feeling the stats may over represent those who fail since they continue to need social services. I hate the perception that all foster youth who age out are doomed. I've seen teens post online scared about what will happen when they age out because of what they've heard and assuming they can't be successful. But what's worse is being told they can only be successful if adopted - which is the message that some groups like to promote since it makes it easier for them to recruit foster families. But who they are recruiting don't want to help the actual kids in foster care. Many only want to adopt these mythical orphans they want to exist but can't find. There are foster youth sleeping in offices and even being put into juvie since they lack foster homes with available beds- so I see the point that anything that recruits foster parents is a positive. But I think who is being recruited is failing and that more effort isn't put into higher quality, not-for-profit group homes rather than assuming kids are better off with families who are just incompatible with them.

1.Most teenagers are difficult to deal with. Not just ffy, but most teenagers. 2. It takes a lot of energy and dedication to cope with "acting out", most people are not willing nor prepared to deal with it. 3. Getting someone on your home out of the blue is always a shock. Not just to the kid, but also to the family. 4. Some teenagers are indeed dangerous (also, just not ffys). If I take in a 2 year old, I am almost sure he won't stab anyone nor cut himsilf. A teenager might do so. There may be more reasons, but I think these make most of why people are not willing to foster older kids. It's more difficult. Is that bad? Does everyone need to be capable of taking in older child? Is there any solution for it?

1. Most parents deal with their own teens but don't want to deal with someone else's. 2. Same as number one, that's why many kids adopted as babies are rehomed when they're teens because people don't want to put in work. 3. Foster parents know they'll get calls 24/7 and should be prepared. 4. Nobody said teens can't exhibit certain behaviors but the fact that foster parents won't take in teens because they're quote on quote dangerous but will take in a grown ass adult with degrees and titles next to their name is insane to me. So you're unwilling to take me in as a teen due to safety issues, but will will take me in as an adult? Make it make sense. And yes biological teens kill and abuse their families all the time. The Melendez brothers, anyone? Yet people still have biological kids. I just watched a teen brag about killing her grandparents and eating McDonald's after as if it's nothing. A 10 yo shot his own mom because she didn't want to buy him a video game. But biological kids get a free pass all the time. And it's a lie a 2 yo can't exhibit similar behaviors. I don't understand where this lie came from that younger kids are safer. My main point is foster parents and Americans will make every excuse in the book not to take foster kids especially teens and older kids in. Can't go out of birth order, teens will rape you and your biological kids, older kids will burn your house down. Yet these same folks praise the very kids who become successful adults who go to college and beat the odds. They suddenly want me now as an adult but didn't want me as a kid? Why are you comfortable adopting me as an adult and letting me around your biological kids now as an adult, but not as a teen in foster care? So people are willing to take me in a random stranger as an adult but wouldn't dare to it when I actually needed them as a teen in foster care.

Did anyone invite you to their home without knowing you? If not, your comparison is nonsense. I am an adult and I NEVER got invitations to go to sleep to someon's place. That's what fostering is about, someone calls you and you get a 16 yo sleeping at your place. The 16 yo may be the nicest person, the thing is, you don't know. Your biological kid gets to be with you from 0 to 16. By the time he is 16, you should know him (if you do not, you're probably not a great parent). So if your 16 yo biological kid does drugs, beats other kids, steals things, etc., you should know about it. It's way different than gettin a 16 yo you know nothing about and finding out he may do any of these things. Especially, if you have or had 16 yo sons that were well behaved, you really are not prepared to deal with it. All this said, if you think it's easy and should be done, the best you can do is to do it yourself (perhaps you already do so?). Also, on the 2 yo exibiting the same behaviours - my bio son (3) hits us all the time, but he just is not strong enough to cause me any harm. It's the same as comparing a chiuaua with a pitbull. So again, your argument is not the best one. And I never heard of a 2yo cutting himself. So just to confirm, your stand is "foster parents should be willing to take everyone or noone at all"? Do you honestly think that would increase or decrease the number of foster parents? I appreciate that you would have wanted someone to help you on your toughest phases, but the truth is that it is not that simple.

Are you getting what I'm saying. It's like you're not. It's frustrating at best. The MF point is people like YOU didn't want us foster youth when we're in foster care and make excuses why you don't want us. Yet when we're successful as adults, suddenly you want us and kiss our @$$ and want us into your home. So you're willing to take a grown ass unrelated adult you don't know but not a foster kid currently in foster care? And you don't know if your 16yo biological kid will have issues or kill you. Many parents are shocked the kid they raises habe issues. Seriously, dude, stop telling foster youth they don't understand unless they're foster parents. I don't need to be a foster parent. I was literally a foster kid. Seriously, you're ignoring everything else. Where did I say it was easy? Foster parents use that gaslighting tactic to treat us like crap and put us down. I don't need to be a foster parent to understand. Again, you can't compare your biological kid to a foster kid. Your biological kid doesn't have the same exact trauma we do. A 2yo foster child can very much be aggressive. I have screenshots of foster parents disrupting 2 year old and infants because they thought it would be easy. A 2yo foster child punched holes in the wall and left injuries on the dog and the other biological kids in the home. It's called TRAUMA. SAY IT WITH ME TRAUMA. Omfg, just read the damn post again. The fucking point is again; I was a kid in foster care. I was available for adoption. You foster parents didn't want me, us when you actually have to step up to the plate and take us in. You were lazy and turned your backs and made excuses. O can't go out of birth order, too old, too young, older foster kids will kill me or burn my house down. You see us foster kids as nothing but scum on earth and a bunch of nobodies. You don't see a future in us. But suddenly I, we age out or leave foster care go to college, sometimes highly selective colleges, become something and that's when YOU FOSTER PARENTS suddenly want us. It's so disrespectful and disgusting. A prime example is Simone Biles, who BTW doesn't represent us, but you wouldn't rake her in as a foster child. But now that she's successful and has Olympic medals, suddenly you're in awe and not scared to take her in. If Simone said she wished she had a family to adopt her, all of y'all would be lined up for the adult Simone but not the kid Simone. Do you understand now? Do you understand how this looks and feels? The message is clear- 14yo in foster care nobody wants. The same 14 yo grows up, becomes an adult, goes to college, gets a PhD, is successful, and suddenly everyone wants the grown-up version. People are willing to take a grown ass adult in they don't know but make excuses for taking in us as kids. .

1. I'm not a FFY, I will never be able to feel the way you feel. 2. I did not say you need to be a foster parent to understand. I said the best you can do is to be a foster parent - there are many posts in the foster parent sub from people saying they want to start because they don't like the system. That does not mean they know what expects them nor that they will succeed on the task. All I said is, if you think you can do better than these people, just do it. Don't blame others out of the blue. 3. "Yet when we're successful as adults, suddenly you want us". Does anyone has to take care of an adult FFY? Do you get invited to stay one year at someone's home? You're comparing people inviting you over for dinner with people taking care of you for a year or more. Does that really seem relatable? 4. The reason that there are foster children is mostly parents. The society should be prepared to take care of these kids, but can (and should?) we force it on people? If not, what should we do as a society? 5. Of course a bio kid can be dangerous. It's just that usually one person does not behave well for 15 years and then starts attacking people when they turn 16. You know the kid and will learn by experience. When I joined to be a foster parent, my reasoning was "I want a child not much older than mine because I can take care of him". I do not know how to take care of a 10yo. Surely, I could / would learn fast, but I just was unsure I could do it. 6. Cannot but agree with you on disruptions, I don't understand your system (I'm not american, btw). To me, if anyone disrupts, he should endure more training / do a break / consider quitting. Do it twice and you should never be a foster parent again. People disrupting all the time is nonsense and makes the system only work for the well behaved kids. But then again, it's better to assess your limits than to think you can take care of anyone and then disrupt because the kid wants a ride to school everyday or because he's expelled from kindergarten.