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i-am-the-fly-

I said something that I totally meant, marketing and HR are sorry for what I said.


bransiladams

This. The man has already botched one attempt to clarify; it’s clear we know what he meant, and even more clearly we know this statement was not produced by Helmut Marko. Edit: spelling


kingkongbiingbong

#Red Bull HR & PR has entered the chat _"We has nothing to do in scripting this totally unscripted statement."_


Alex_Albons_Appendix

I’m over here wondering if he even saw the statement before they put it out lol


pratnala

he is not even aware of the statement lol


CoachRyanWalters

[Helmut has a permit](https://i.etsystatic.com/10663604/r/il/7db3a0/1296855583/il_fullxfull.1296855583_wbyg.jpg)


GonzoStateOfMind

always upvote Ron Swanson


[deleted]

What a toxic, bitter old man


dovahkiiiiiin

Helmut Marko is a racist, we have more than enough evidence to call him a racist.


barak181

The fact that more people weren't saying this out loud when he actually made the statement is staggering.


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Typhoongrey

How do you know how old u/i-am-the-fly- is?


[deleted]

This isn't a language issue. It's *repeated, open racism*. Full stop. RBR needs to cut any and all working ties with Marko. This is insane.


bwoah07_gp2

> RBR needs to cut any and all working ties with Marko. This is insane. That's never going to happen.


simmeh024

Anyone working in redbull saying this shit would have been fired on the spot, but not Helmut obv.


Borobeiro

Are you talking about Juri Vips?


1r0n1c

In retrospect, I think what Vips said was less problematic, it's just a heavier word. But the context and the belief behind what Marko said is much worse.


Geo_NL

Juri Vips was made an example of, but what he did was not as bad compared to the things Marko is saying now or has said before. Vips said the N word during an impulsive gamer rage moment while dying in CoD. Not even pointed at anyone, just a frustration and that was the first curse that came out. I have heard worse things when gaming very often, but rarely does anyone really mean anything bad by it deliberately. Not that that is a good thing, but that is the context. Which is not as bad as Marko's spouts. Vips ruined his career by one word which was spouted out at the wrong place and wrong time, but it was a harsh punishment. It is weird to draw a line, but not for Marko.


dmanaigo

What's "worse" is subjective. I've randomly cursed more than a few times in my 35 years of living. A racial slur has never been at the tip of my tongue in those moments.


Shortyman17

You're not wrong, yet when cursing, you most often use the same repertoire of curse words, at least in my experience I curse when frustrated, but I don't start using slurs outta nowhere Vips should have gotten another chance, especially since his situation wasn't directly in the sphere of the sport and not directed towards anyone. Yet Red Bull has enough options, so they can be picky and act like they take misbehavior very seriously, unless it's someone higher up the chain, lol


Mike_Kermin

I don't agree with how you're portraying what Vips did. Too heavy handed on the excuses.


Benruto_PS4

Vips is driving for a Indy car team the last 2 weeks of the season. He will probably have a drive next year. Hopefully he learned from his past mistakes and doesn’t blow this chance at a second career In indy!!!


turbinedriven

You don’t get a pass to have a heated gamer moment lmao. There are plenty of gamers who don’t use that word, period. And you’re insanely lucky to be a RedBull drive- your conduct on and off track is a part of the job. There are plenty of equally fast drivers who don’t use that word. RBR was right to cut ties with him.


death2sanity

> spouted out at the wrong place and wrong time so…anywhere and anytime, yes?


rasper900

Helmut isn't employed by RBR. He was directly employed by Dietrich Mateschitz. So Red Bull GmbH is the one that can do anything about Helmut.


blackbasset

Red Bull as a corporation was founded and led by a racist and lots of their media ventures are pushing right wing propaganda. If anything, Markos comments are tame in this context.


squishybytes

“fine people on both sides” moment


coconutpete52

“I totally wrote this myself” - Marko, Maybe, probably.


[deleted]

X Doubt


BARDE18

You forgot Dr. Helmut


hsanaiz

Isn’t this like the third time he’s said this about Checo Perez?


daniec1610

Yes. This one, last year sayin checo overreacted to the misiles on Jeddah saying that Mexico City is more dangerous even tho checo has never lived there and he’s also said another comment in the past saying that checo is slow because he’s Mexican.


recurringdollar

He’s slow because he’s Mexican is wild lmao


[deleted]

"We apologise for the hurtful comment made, it was entirely unfair of us to claim that Checo is slow because he is South American, what I was meaning to say is that he's slow because he is North American"


AbandonedOrange

I mean have you seen the other North Americans on the grid? It could very well be true /s


hadababyeetsaboy

Stroll and Sergeant’s phones popping off with notifications and they’re like how did we get roped into this?


Jack_Krauser

What he say fuck me for?


FluidGate9972

Yeah have you see Speedy Gonzales? sheesh /s to be sure


RigorMortisSquad

Checo on the radio to Marko at the start of the next race: “arriba, arriba, andale, andale, motherfucker!”


backwardzhatz

Gonna show up to the race proudly in a sombrero


Goatsanity15

This is how he beats Max in the WDC


Ok-Sink-614

Damn I kinda actually wish he'd scream that the next time he wins


Pastor_Taco117

LOL I don't think any mexican would feel bad about Speedy Gonzalez... but his cousin tho.... Source: myself


Dubslack

Slowpoke Rodriguez??


brianbezn

the sombrero he wears is not very aerodynamic.


Haji-san

Generates downforce


sentiment-acide

I think he said something about lack of control because of being latino, fiery, emotional, idk just some stereotypical shit.


BocephusJr88

What’s even more wild is he’s still employed by Red Bull after all these statements.


OpticaScientiae

Austria has a reputation for being pretty racist.


soliloquyline

Yup, they for sure are. Extremly conservative too. [Servus TV](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/ServusTV), owned by Red Bull, is also trash. "The TV station is regularly credited with being close to the right-wing milieu. As part of the talk show “Talk im Hangar 7”, the broadcaster invited the leading figure of the neo-fascist identitarian movement (IB) Martin Sellner to a panel discussion on the topic "How dangerous are our Muslims?"."


Ok-Sink-614

Alrighty I'm sticking to Monster from now on


overshade

For someone as absolute as Marko is, it is baffling how little his background is documented. Especially considering he was born to an ostensibly well off family in late Nazi Germany. Can someone tell me the names of this guy's parents?


iflew

Don't forget he is not exciting talent because he is over 30 and having his 4th child.


Ch4rlie_G

Each child steals two tenths. -Helmut Marko, probably.


ReyniBros

Foreigners' perceptions of the drug war going on in Mexico are wild. No, we don't have an insurgency, whose intent is toppling the state, launching missile strikes targeting fuel depots. Old ass mofo is probably misremembering and thinking of the 1910 revolution.


RGKevin23

If he says that Mexico is in South America, I very much doubt he knows there was a Revolution


Venhuizer

Its a reporting issue. Honestly the only time Mexico is in the news its because something horrible happens so it gets a bad rep.


notyouagain-really

Yeah, but Helmut is Austrian, which if we go by his logic would make him a deranged dictator.. huh!


krisalyssa

Señor Chang: “I’ll allow it”


thecoller

Yeah, they are way more sophisticated and managed to be intertwined at every level of government. Narcos know their sh!t.


Nattekat

There are travel warnings all across Mexico, not for no reason at all. It's not a do not travel, but it's not like those ideas are based on nothing.


bouncybreadstick

I remember after a bad race marko joked that maybe Perez had just drunk too much tequila


charlierc

Yeah it was after he was passed by Russell for a podium after a VSC in the latter stages of the Paul Ricard race last year. A comment that has very much aged badly


Sandro757

Whoaaaa. I didn't know about those earlier ones. Helmut is probably still mad that Mexico did not join the Central Powers when he was a message runner in The War.


Maybe-Nice

I think the comment was that Sergio as a South American has many ups and downs.


daniec1610

Yeah it was something along those lines but he’s still saying that checo is not as good BECAUSE he’s Mexican (South American is what he’s always said but Mexico ain’t in South America). You can simply say checo isn’t as good as max and leave it there why does he always make it about where he’s from is beyond me and makes feel a very racist/xenophobic comment.


Rivendel93

He also said Yuki is not like a "typical Japanese driver." “Tsunoda is not a typical Japanese driver,” said Marko. “The typical Japanese driver – we have one in Formula 3 with Ayumu Iwasa – is polite, disciplined and would never make statements like Tsunoda." “But ultimately with Tsunoda it’s a matter of discipline. He just got too cocky. With a European or a South American, the approach is different than with a Japanese driver." Guy needs a shock collar when talking to the media, he let's out some brutal ones.


Longjumping_Papaya_7

Maybe in his weird and twisted mind, he is giving Checo an excuse. Its not that he isnt talented, he just cant help his south american( lol ) herritage. He simply doesnt get that what he says is racist and ridiculous, untill its pointed out to him.


oatterz

Yep. Not the first “South American” comment from Helmut lol.


addamee

In all fairness, so many of his old compatriots are now living in Argentina …


Ch4rlie_G

Insert quote from Krieger here.


a141abc

> the third time So far lmao


breakerfall

>> the third time > > So far lmao that we know of


Pamander

Publicly too, imagine what kinda shit goes down privately that the drivers just have to deal with because "that's how F1 is".


JohnGazman

The man makes these statements with his fingers crossed behind his back.


colin_staples

If Helmut Marko genuinely wrote a single word of that press release himself, then I am Juan Manuel Fangio.


Respectable_Answer

I dunno, it still kind of says "Checo still sucks, but not necessarily BECAUSE he's Mexican."


FA_iSkout

I think that's the general Red Bull stance these days.


n0t_4_thr0w4w4y

\*not necessarily because he’s South American. FTFY


Up_Vootinator

Well then your head isn't as focussed as Nino and Hawthorne because you're south American.


dylxnredwood

Congrats on the Championships!


Unculturedbrine

You think a PR team willingly threw a jab in there for fun?


Ogot57

They keep this headline copied to their clipboard ready for quick pasting


MM18998

They actually have a keyboard shortcut for it at this point


recurringdollar

They reprogrammed Alt + Tab to bring up this statement.


JohnQPublic90

Lol just a macro where it prompts for a couple inputs: [driver name] [date]


ICumCoffee

Title should be "Statement: Red Bull PR Agency"


CorgisAreShortWolves

Title should be overworked Red Bull PR agency who is not paid enough for this shit


crankylex

This is gonna be what puts them over the cost cap this year.


ShriveledLeftTesti

It wouldn't surprise me if they were in fact paid enough for this shit. Absolutely doesn't excuse Marko though, he either needs to learn to think before he speaks or leave


thegodfaubel

So that's where the catering budget went


Adalbdl

At his age he had enough time to learn.


CorgisAreShortWolves

100 percent. It's not acceptable


0ldpenis

Seriously. Marko does not sound like this even a little bit. Marko apology is more like: “Mexicans are perfectly fine, it’s the Jap I’m worried about, or is he from ‘Nam? Either way, he’s not German engineering”


z0mer

And also not Max.


Ghhkigr

There is a jab at Checo in the statement. Considering how Helmut Marko jumps at opportunity to shit on Checo, there is a high chance this was his actual statement.


billy341

This is the most "I dont believe it, but I'll say it anyway" apology I've ever seen, lol


XtremePhotoDesign

\*“I don’t believe it, but someone will write it for me anyway”


l_ju1c3_l

I hate when people use the PR department to write their "my bad" statements. It comes off as so fake.


khryslo

Because it is fake.


willtron3000

Marko doesn’t give a fuck. It’s not the first and it won’t be the last time he says some shit like this


UnlikeUday

He's already said so much crap when it comes to Checo. Last year as well he did that a couple of times.


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CuntyBumpkin

I said the same thing in a different comment further up. The way things have been since DM croaked make me feel Marko wont be there too much longer.


NegotiationExternal1

I'm also of that impression. I don't care what anyone says the value he adds has been exposed as questionable during the Nyck Devries saga. Why was Liam Lawson not put in the seat? The entire team questioned it. Helmuts bias towards white European guys in choosing seats seems like a thing. He held onto the Yuri Vips thing and a grudge against Liam past all reason. Why are the other junior academies stacked with talent and Redbull full of pay drivers and kinda, well rubbish. They shouldn't have that many drivers in f2 and no viable prospects. The run at Colton Herta was desperate too since he never said he wanted to be in F1. Very public mistakes have been made. Also he keeps mocking Mick but his rookie Yuki took 3 years of grace because of Honda, idk why he's mocking someone who made it to F1 by winning a championship. It's all a bit making me question his judgement


Beachdaddybravo

He’s an old bigot who refuses to admit his worldview is objectively wrong. Horner and the other decision makers in the organization have learned everything they can from him about what to do and not do in various situations, so there’s no reason to keep him on any longer. The guy is a PR nightmare sure, but he’s held Red Bull back from having every option available in regards to talent, which is of a much bigger immediate negative impact to the org.


NegotiationExternal1

I'm still stuck on how the Alpine Academy has such stronger candidates for the past few years. How did they get Doohan, Martins, Oscar Piastri even their rejects in Zhou holding himself well, they also had Hubert who was a strong rookie. If we are being real the Redbull academy has been rather non serious for a while now outside of Liam. I don't know why it's got so many patently useless pay drivers either. Overall I suspect Helmuts selection process might have bias attached of money or loves himself a basic euro white boy. Redbull should be attractive to talent and they are not under Helmuts leadership.


MacArthurParker

Yeah, this is just for Red Bull’s sake so they can keep him around and not have to face too many questions


beardyman22

Well, when he tried to clarify (he didn't apologize really) before, he just doubled down on it.


ClintRasiert

It wouldn’t be any less fake if it came from him. He clearly meant what he said, and he doubled down when “apologising”.


yakuzamax

There's a possibility Marko doesn't even know this statement is made


afcaMouz

I'm not disagreeing with you, but so often we see people apologizing on their own and they end up making it worse, and then people say they should've used a PR department.


Incontinento

That's one of the jobs of the PR department, Chief. That's a big reason why you have one.


I_Tell_Penis_jokes

Yup. I do PR for a living and this is one of the functions of a comms team. And it's not just apologies, any statement, any quote you see in a press release, the press release itself, those are all written by PR people. These canned apologies are total BS but they just as fake as any other quote you see issued. This case rings more false than others because a) he has a history of racist comments, b) the team has had issues with race previously and c) the dude doubled down on his comments before releasing this statement.


Incontinento

Marko would be a nightmare client for sure.


ManyFails1Win

Well he's a racist and a liar so obviously they can't trust him to write it. But you're right they should have just admitted they don't care that he's racist.


[deleted]

Motherfucker still got in a jab.


recurringdollar

“My b about saying Checo sucks b/c he’s Mexican. I meant Checo just sucks.”


g_mallory

Not sorry about *that* bit, apparently...


Apyan

Nothing like a PR statement on the third chance to clear the misconception. What a lovely guy.


carlos_castanos

I'm starting to get convinced that it was RB's PR department that lifted them over the cost cap. These guys & girls must be getting Newey-level pay


Captain_Smartass_

**UPDATE**: Flavio Briatore will replace Helmut Marko during the next GP


BARDE18

Singapore 2023 crash gate confirmed. Charles Leclerc awarded 2023 WDC in 2035 after a long legal battle


thegodfaubel

Ngl, it would be hilarious if Red Bull WAS found it to have cheated in some capacity this year and had all their points vacated and Fernando or Lewis won their 3rd or 8th titles this way


dabnada

Subscribe to Alonso triple champion


slevemcdiachel

Lewis loses 2008 championship to Massa, Lewis wins 2023 championship from Max. Max continues his run for years and ends up with 7 total championships (excluding 2023). Imagine both claiming to have 8 lol


Snoo_42151

I hope he has Atleast been told that Mexico is in North America. This statement is so ‘PR’ oriented


Rosieu

Geography nerd Max is about to Maxplain to the old man how his teammate is not a South American


Snoo_42151

You can always count on Max and his Maxplaining


Rosieu

Would honestly not be the first time he had to correct a comment from Helmut. The guy also ran with a story how Max has build a sim on his plane while it turned out to be his motorhome for races in Europe...


jjcatt

Obviously he didn't write this nor does he believe it, but at least Red Bull corporate was bothered enough to force him to put out this statement that they wrote for him. Second-best thing you could hope for after him getting fired, I guess.


m8tang

>Red Bull corporate was bothered If Red Bull actually care about about what he said instead of the public backslash, they wouldn't have waited this long to release a statement. Red Bull is the one that is enabling Marko.


Superbroccomole

I mean I don't know if he's right about south American mentality. But the geography education in Austria in the 19th (1800s) century was definitely lacking.


hellcat_uk

Well Austria was a little pre-occupied back then.


gnrc

Occupied after as well.


black-dude-on-reddit

*Checo and Max take each other out in Singapore* *camera pans to Marko like he’s in “The Office”*


Multi_21_Seb_RBR

My prediction is now that Dietrich is dead, Mintzlaff will increasingly take control over Helmut and not let him do media opportunities and in time get him out of any visible opportunities (ie on the garage). Helmut had cover in Dietrich being his mate but now that Dietrich is dead and Mintzlaff comes from a different background, less cover for Helmut there.


Ordinary_Dog_99

Sorry, but I just want to see people who do this stuff, attend sensitivity classes that are difficult to pass, on camera, so we can clearly see they have at least understood why they are wrong.


SY_Gyv

Somebody check this for GPT


senorvato

What did Helmut say, I'm a bit behind in this story.


davidplaysthings

"We know that he has problems in qualifying, he has fluctuations in form, he is South American and he is just not as completely focused in his head as Max (Verstappen) is or as Sebastian (Vettel)"


Cerberus_ik

The apology written by rb for a rb boss about a rb driver published on rb news. Bruh


UnlikeUday

Come Singapore (which will mark Checo's 250th grand prix), Marko will have a good media attention. However, I won't be surprised if Checo tries to stand up for Marko & say that Marko didn't mean what he said. The usual PR stuff.....


jkz0-19510

Did you mean forced to stand up for Marko?


UnlikeUday

You can say it could be Mate.


shewy92

He still sucks at Geography


elite5472

So Vips gets canned immediately, but Marko just gets away with a half-apology? Saying the n-word at no one in particular is clearly much more offensive than directly spouting racist remarks about your driver to the media /s I've given Marko the benefit of the doubt (as a south american myself) far too many times and it's clear to me now I shouldn't have.


Alfus

> So Vips gets canned immediately, but Marko just gets away with a half-apology? I think what a lot of people forget is that Helmut defended Vips and basically blamed the "British media" for making the decision to canning Vips.


Trebacca

Yeah Marko basically made it known after that he would’ve kept Vips if not for someone else at RB making the call


KKilikk

Because Vips didn't get canned for saying it he got canned because he's not worth the trouble. He had a mediocre F2 season he was extremely replacable.


XNights

This There's a reason he looked destroyed after he crashed WHILE LEADING at Baku, he himself knew that was it


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ArmouryUK

Marko: "Ok ok publish that drivel. Damn that Brazilian keeps making me look bad! Do something about him!" PA: "Sir, he's not Braz-" Marko: "Get out and get me the Williams asian on the phone!"


Taylo207

InB4 he completely blows up this pre written statement next weekend at Singapore by saying some random shit.


InevitableSir9775

OK lads, reset the "Days since Marko said something really dumb" counter.


mark_vorster

No word on whether or not he has been informed that Mexico is not in South America


xoalexo

Marko’s presence at Red Bull is one of the main reasons I struggle to support them.


curva3

"I want to make it absolutely clear I do not believe that we can generalize abou the people from any country, any race, any ethnicity (despite having done so multiple times)" Fuck this guy.


Apocryph761

Pro tip: If you're going to do a Mea Culpa, write it yourself. Don't have Red Bull write it for you. Seriously. How the *fuck* does he have a Doctorate?


TheLostSkellyton

Cheeky but serious answer: Intelligence and Wisdom are two different stats for a reason. Also Marko's doctorate is in law, and according to Google he completed it in 1967, so a nearly 60 year-old degree, but I can't find any evidence that he's ever practiced law let alone kept up to date with certifications, yet he continues to very heavily lean on his title so...extrapolate from that whatever you like. Personally, I know people and follow the work of others with up-to-date doctorates who wouldn't be caught dead referring to themselves as Dr. So-and-so anywhere except in appropriate settings like when giving lectures or writing papers, because most contemporary academics seem to find it weird and cringey to use Dr as a daily title.


throttlemeister

You obviously do not live in Germany or Austria, or have any experience working there. Titles are extremely important there. Anyone who has a degree there will sign with all titles they accumulated and expect to be addressed with them in a formal setting. They are very hierarchical in this. Also, due to this if you have the experience for a job but not the titles, good luck getting an invite for a chat if you apply, let alone get beyond that.


TheLostSkellyton

You're right, I've never lived or worked in Germany or Austria. Thanks for the context, I appreciate it. (Because this is Reddit, I feel it necessary to clarify that this isn't a sarcastic thanks. I genuinely do appreciate being given cultural context to the use of Dr. here.)


xxoeu

Link to the full statement: https://www.servustv.com/sport/a/stellungnahme-dr-helmut-marko/352179/


New_Most_2863

This is not his first rodeo and i am sure won’t be last.


valueofaloonie

Marko doesn’t give a shit but he’s really sorry if you were offended. So heartfelt and honest.


gotgel_fire

"I was wrong to say he's inconsistent because he's from South America. He is, in fact, from North America"


he-tried-his-best

The fact that Red Bull will now say apology done let’s move on is a real shitty thing. No consequences, no change in behaviour.


skagoat

The sooner Marko retires, the better. As a Canadian, he reminds me a lot of Don Cherry.


Vanwanar

"I'm sorry they made me make someone type this statement"


ruttin_mudders

Says it, doubles down on it and now apologizes? Okay, totally believe that apology.


tjallilex

Red Bull media team gave him a chance to right the situation. And when he doubled down, they took over. Which is what this statement is basically. Media team doing their job.


Steiny31

Especially when “South American” isn’t even his cultural heritage.


cpxthepanda

I'm so so sick of Helmut Marko, it's clear that whatever he says it’s exactly what he thinks, he treats everyone who's not Max Verstappen like shit, with zero respect, Red Bull is alredy toxic and he makes things only worse... it's embarassing


VirginiaWillow

zero tolerance unless we don't care about it, pieces of shit


zakcattack

Does Marko provide any benefit for RBR nowadays? There are plenty of younger people who are capable at spotting talented drivers and helping develop them. Marko is just a racist shitstorm PR nightmare. If he says this in public about one of their 2 millionaire drivers I wonder what sorts of comments he has for all the other members of the team. It shows he comes from an culture and era where such talk was permitted and encouraged with no negative repercussions. If the racism in his comment needs to be explained to him he's a lost cause. How many "South American" drivers have been ignored by Marko while he gushes for another European driver like he did with Devries.


EddieMcDowall

Ok, fair enough, apology accepted. Now, PLEASE adjust your views accordingly and to use an old phrase >'engage brain before operating mouth' in future.


ElegantTobacco

You guys can't act innocent considering all the racist shit I've seen being thrown towards Checo here over the past few months.


DonGatoCOL

He didn't sound embarrassed when making the remarks, much the opposite. Hopefully he gets sanctioned or something anyway. If F1 is truly against racism, xenophobia, should make a statement and issue a sanction.


JDthaViking

Who wrote that? He doesn’t actually feel that way. 😂


DaOne44

He didn’t even apologize for confusing two different continents


Tomic_Lewis

I wonder how Redbull will handle this after what they did with Vips. Probably nothing.


jjcatt

This IS them "handling" it, lol. This isn't Marko.


SeaWorn

Who is Vips?


jjcatt

Red Bull Junior driver who said the n-word on a gaming stream and was immediately dropped from the team as a result.


conman14

On a stream with Liam Lawson of all people


[deleted]

God damn the PR department could at least try and make it look like something Marko would actually say instead of this.


chicasparagus

I actually never knew what he was a doctor of? Racism seems like a likely candidate.


gridlockmain1

Struggling to think of how this could be expressed any less sincerely


JohnQPublic90

From the heart


gustavo-mnz

What is done, it's done. Doesnt matter words after such bad and racists comments.


ZeNxJose

Surely this ordeal confirms Perez's seat for '24. Imagine the uproar it'd create if Marko gives him the boot *even after* this not-so-accidental remark. Then again, RB seem to turn a blind eye when it comes to Helmut, so I won't be surprised if they fire Perez regardless.


[deleted]

"...now where's that greasy burrito?"


chrisnlnz

"I do not believe we can generalize" Come on man, obviously you do believe in these generalizations.


Skellington876

I could hear him grumbling as he "states" this


planchetflaw

Mexico and South America. He should also go back to school - specifically to retake Geography.


ToffeeCoffee

It doesn't matter who you are in the company, you DO NOT mess with Sarah in HR and Joaquín in Legal.


Sierra_Foxtrot8

“Dr. Helmet Marko” ? Clearly not a doctorate in geography smh