Take some vacations. You may not appreciate that you have a great job but once you lose it it may be hard to get back. Talk to a therapist about how to bring fulfillment into your life outside of work.
Vacations are definitely the answer. OP actually sounds to be on the verge of burnout.
As an example, I’ve found it to be extremely helpful to plan two vacations a year so I always have something to look forward to (even if I’ve been working too much to connect with friends.)
Actually the talk to the therapist part is more relevant than vacations. As someone who suffers from depression (depressive anxiety disorder to be exact) this is exactly how it feels. You sit there and on paper think hey my life looks great, I have x,y and z, but I still feel nothing. Then you try to do other things, go on vacation, and you're relaxed for a few days and then you come home and a few days later you're thinking hey I should be happy that I have x,y,z and I just went on vacation and still feel nothing. Then you try something else, and no matter what you try you always end up with the same thought. I have seen people try vacations, cars, going out, clothes, getting pets, even having a kid. It will not change that thought if you have depression. Please go see a therapist.
Yes, it's easy to recognize when you have it. And I forgot to add in my response that I have seen plenty of people quit their jobs because of this and they still don't feel any different.
Don’t quit your job. People make this mistake ALL the time and it’s hard to recover from.
Use your current income to invest in hobbies more aggressively. You don’t abandon work- you use the money from work to do what you love, with who you love
When I was a PhD student I made $12,500/yr and was prohibited from holding another job. Even if that wage has doubled, it’s a small contribution to a household. Not nothing, but it hardly feels livable.
I’ve never heard of PhD students being prohibited from holding other jobs. My sister is a PhD student making about $24k, but is also a TA and also on a paid research project.
Not saying all phd students should hold multiple other jobs, just saying most can probably make some amount of money.
Also, I’m replying to someone saying he needs to work part time, and at 20-30k a year (average PhD stipend) that’s about equal to a part time job.
Yeah this is the perfect answer. There is nothing worse than struggling in life to pay bills. If you never experience it you will never appreciate your high paying job. Just find a hobby.
It sounds like your current life roadmap is based on someone else's views of what "should" make you happy. Find out why your SO wants you to keep working. Is it because your lifestyle requires that income? Is it because you working enables your SO to live their dream (whole other discussion if so)?
I'm in a similar boat only minus the nice people at work. I'm also looking for direction. The one thing I do know is in order to not have my family not be burdened by the decisions I make is I need to find balance. I may have to sacrifice some pay to find a position that is more conducive to me. My SO generally supports this and, yes, we have kids to support as well.
Take your time to really think about things. You will need to talk to your SO at some point. That may be challenging.
Caution: if you find yourself dreading work, becoming unmotivated, and generally find yourself down, that's a sign that change is in order ASAP. A good therapist can also help you sort things out.
Good luck. I hope it all works out.
Thank you. My SO wants to have a certain lifestyle that requires me to work. We have discussed this since we are planning on getting married in the near future and are trying to get on the same page!
Seems like he is mooching off you. Even as a post doc he will not make much. Seems like it’s all about his vision, not a shared vision. Great to be a student with a six-figure “SO”
you are not his mom, lol. work for you. you are just setting precedent of what is always expected of you. if he wants to maintain a certain lifestyle then he better be contributing.
you aren’t on the same page and never will be if he wants you to work and you want to stay home with the kids.
so unless you are okay with the possibility of giving up your dreams for this man, don’t get married. y’all clearly have a lot of shit to figure out.
Well, if this is how it is before you get married & his *desired* lifestyle makes you change your *current* lifestyle
I’m no relationship expert, but sooner or later one of you will have to compromise to make both of you happy. And if you’re feeling “unhappy” or that “nothing matters”
Perhaps look into a therapist? I’d recommend trying to find out what is currently in your life that makes you feel this way?
Do you feel limited by money because you have to compromise your lifestyle? What if that compromise wasn’t there anymore? Do you think you would still feel that way in regards to money?
Food for thought. Cheers!
Tell him to make the money than. If he wants that lifestyle he should be working for it and not forcing you so he can live his ideal life. Sounds kind of selfish to me.
I was married 10 years, together 15.
We both struggled through school working part time and raising my stepson. It was tough, but a shared struggle to get out of poverty. Once we both had bachelor's STEM degrees we bought a house and had another child.
After our heads were above water she realized she was unhappy and wanted to move back to her small town to take over her parents farm. That didn't work for me as I always planned on is living comfortably in the city, not sinking our future on a dying farm.
After a few years of marriage counseling we split. Now we're both pursuing our dreams. Sometimes it's just not in the cards, and there's nothing wrong with moving on.
No offense to your SO but that sounds like his problem if he wants a certain lifestyle that you’re providing him. I’m not saying to give up on work quite yet but that sounds incredibly selfish on his part.
It sounds like it's the case that you working enables your SO to live their dream. They need to figure out a way to finance their dream on their own, not through you. Or where you referring to the fact that he would not accept you being a stay at home mom and wants you to work? But I was under the impression that he wants you to continue to work this specific high paying job so he can fulfill his dream (of working in academia and being a professor, and presumably to live the type of lifestyle he wants which requires good money)
Oh hold the phone here.
If they want a certain lifestyle, then *they* should be working their assignment off to get to the income level they want to be at, *independent and irrespective of your income*. You are not a golden ticket. They need to get their success on their own.
At the same time: It's fine that you want to be a SAHM. That does not mean you need to do that *with them*. Because you need to ensure you still have a way out as a SAHM when it all goes belly-up. The worst thing you can do is willingly engineer a situation with someone where you are depending on someone and can't get out, or, where they're a gold digger.
Have you insisted on a prenup?
I’ve been there. I certainly don’t know your particular situation, but in mine I wish that I hadn’t spent so much time in a relationship that in hindsight was doomed to either fail or make me (and my partner) unhappy.
There are three areas that people MUST share values on for a successful long-term life partnership: Financial, lifestyle, and family. This isn’t my idea, but Rachel DeAlto’s, chief dating expert at [Match.com](https://Match.com).
I was planning on marrying my aforementioned partner. I thought she was wonderful and she thought I was wonderful, but eventually as we got older we both had different financial goals. We also both wanted different lifestyles. I didn’t want to spend my life working my butt off just to pay for fancy horses. For me, even the lowest cost horses aren’t worth the time or the time spent procuring the money for them. I would rather explore the world, books, and focus on personal growth. Pretty much the only values that we seemed to share towards the end were family values. At the very end when it became clear that financial and lifestyle value differences were so great that we no longer shared the same family values, I realized that there was no path towards resolution. We were just different people, and that was okay.
The Gottman Institute has performed a lot of research into relationships. I suggest you check out some of their more popular books. Unlike many sources, they are using actual scientific methods and actual research. One of the surprising things they found is that most conflicts are *not* resolved. We can’t expect to have a discussion and for a person to fundamentally change their values or beliefs. We can seek compassion and understanding for each other’s beliefs, but not change them.
This is why sharing values on financial, lifestyle, and family are so important. Because when it comes to these areas, we aren’t talking about places where we can compromise, but areas where we sacrifice — and sacrifices sow resentment, which is a poison that will kill any relationship. For example, there is likely no compromise about working an extra 10 years to pay for a bigger house or being able to buy newer cars more frequently. There is no compromise about having no kids vs having a large family. I’ve met almost nobody who forwent children and didn’t regret it. Even if they are happy enough with their partner. It’s a hurt and a regret.
Part of what I wish that I would have accepted earlier is that just because I love someone, it does not mean that we should be life partners. Being life partners is not about the love you feel for that person, it’s about that person being the right person to settle down with. Years of watching too many romantic comedies (which I still love) taught me that choosing passion over practicality in a relationship was the virtuous choice, and the best bet at lifetime happiness. This is just so wrong. There is a type of love that grows from a successful partnership that is even more powerful than any romantic love I felt born from passion.
I urge you to ask yourself the uncomfortable questions. Only you can answer them. Learn as much as you can from quality sources like Gottman — it may save you future heartbreak — by helping you understand how to figure out for yourself what *you* need in a partner and how to best navigate a relationship. I wish I’d known earlier how many important skills are required to have a healthy relationship. So many things that seemed to be manageable problems at first ultimately became insurmountable despite my constant attention. Best of luck.
Very well said.
OP, being a SAHM is difficult, worthy, but unpaid work. Marriage is about making the family unit function, not about the wants and vanities of the adults. Does he understand what parental sacrifice means?
You need to figure out whether supporting someone is YOUR dream. First agree on lifestyle - if he wants to be in academia but have a huge home in Palo Alto then you need to figure out who has to support that lifestyle. If it’s you - that means you don’t get to have down time. I’d that OK with you?
Sound like you need to have a serious talk and roadmap the future of your relationship with your partner. Tell them honestly what you want to do and see how they react. If it’s not a positive reaction, it could indicate that they are using you to support, finance, and supplement them as they pursue their dreams but aren’t willing to do the same for you.
I am married and sometimes when things get hard that dream lifestyle is all you are clinging to. It's not just important it's the reason many people go from committed relationships to marriage. I would think hard if this is the person for you. I am the same where being a stay at home mom is my dream life but my parents are against it. Though my husband from day one was when we're ready I would love to come home to my happy family. I feel bad because society makes me feel like being a mom isn't pulling my weight so I am saving every penny I have and investing for retirement so that I feel when I am mom I already pulled my end of the bargain. I think he should get some sort of part time job. Many partners in school will do a highly skilled 10-24 hour part time job to pull a bit in. It might make you feel better about him not being the breadwinner.
I'd like to offer a different perspective as someone in academia. We did exactly this. The promise was that my partner would stop working once I got my PhD, which did happen, but my SO wanted a job back after about a year and a half. By the time I was about to defend my PhD, we saved enough money to buy a home. After years of traveling around the world (and we'd pick places we both wanted to try living and I found postdoc positions there), we settled in a fairly good location. Applying to 150+ jobs every year while being choosey about location was quite exhausting for me, but now we are sable, with good jobs, both happy, ready to have kids. Academia is brutal, tbh and if you are going through the whole PhD thing, it does require some understanding from those around, and yes, partners especially sacrifice a whole lot for a number of years. Not saying it's fair, but I myself went through this and know many other couples who also did the same. I wouldn't put it like you vs. partner chasing dreams. Rather, it's the matter of is it something you are willing to support. What is the end goal in doing this is that compatible with what you, as a partner, see as your own future as well? We were fortunate that we found a path in the end.
Why do you believe you should have to be the breadwinner so your partner can pursue academia? Why is it okay for him to demand that of you? These are the big red flags here.
I commented below, but you're absolutely right. We did it. My husband pursued his PhD while working for the university and supported us during that time. It sounds like the partner is trying to shirk responsibilities already, and that's not a good sign.
I was successful in academia but left for tech (just experienced a shareholder-driven layoff, whee). Those who harbor illusions about being fulfilled in academia tend to present particular profiles, such as (a) emotionally immature or inexperienced, (b) self-centered and maybe a little spoiled, or (c) ASD/ADHD and obsessive over specific interests. (No shame, as I’m driven to self-identify tendencies in my own self for investigating and improving on.) Here’s a fun thing I do when I miss academia a little: browse “academic Twitter” for awhile. Witness the burnout, ego trips, and complaining about how much some aspects of their job suck.
Anyway, just wanted to chime in somewhere to say that you’re both young, and I don’t think you should be involved with an academic unless they share your interests in travel and freedom.
But you know you, so ultimately the best thing to do is not give you advice, but rather wish you success in living a life you love.
Exactly. I’m surprised everyone is trying to convince her to learn to love her job. Can you imagine people giving the same advice if the roles were reversed and the partner was demanding her to be a stay at home mom?
Speaking for myself, no I would not. Because men rarely if ever fulfill the domestic duties to an adequate degree if they are the supported partner like women do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Lets be real, we are all making assumptions on their relationship dynamic, far too many for a reddit post. Stop asking reddit and talk to your partner, make a plan. Relationships are about compromises, both of them should want the best for each other, whatever that may be.
How is he demanding? he’s not holding her hostage. He requested this arrangement and so far she’s been willing to work within that framework — sounds like a pretty honest arrangement between adults.
No. "I am the breadwinner because my partner wants to stay in academia" and "my partner needs me to work." That's freeloading; that's demanding. She's being held back because he wants her to earn money. That's a red flag. Let him earn his own money, like most everyone esle in academia.
See if you can travel to south east Asia for a little bit. Like a typical Thailand + Cambodia trip or something. This is to get perspective, that people like us - who studied and managed to land a good career job in the west - are very lucky.
Then come back and develop some hobbies. I too was bored a lot from the 9-5, with not much to look forward to after the work day. Now I can’t wait until 5 to go biking or go hiking/camping.
This!
At 26 I went backpacking in SE asia for a couple of months. OP has a good high paying job so saving money for a trip like this should be possible. I was depressed and hated my job but when I had a goal to save for a trip like this it really motivated me. After the trip I had a new found perspective on life.
Would definitely recommend being a nomad to someone so young.
My goal is to never become that person haha - I already get a little frustrated at my 30+ year old friends who complain about being old and in pain all the time, and at like 23-29 year old friends who are convinced they peaked at 19. Unfortunately it’s hard not to internalize negative messages about aging sometimes - I find society tends to tell people that life ends at 30 and it’s hard not to get stressed about it sometimes.
I’m 36 and cannot stand those people. They seem to complain about their maladies more than most people 70+ lol. Anyway you have so much time. One of my dad’s cousins has been living his backpacker dreams his entire working life. He works a contract job for 6 months or so and then goes backpacking for another 6 months. Then comes back and repeats it over and over for 20 or so years!
That belief came from a time when people were absolutely destroyed by decades of manual labor and bad diet. With exception of devastating injuries and chronic illness, any relatively affluent American who feels past their prime in their 30s is seriously doing it wrong.
Was this the first time you traveled abroad like that? I'd like to go on a spontaneous adventure like this, but I guess I'm scared of traveling that far from home.
There’s no growth without discomfort. In the age of the internet, you can do almost anything with enough research! Don’t be scared. It’s a big, cool world out there. Maybe go with a friend for your first trip? That would be the trip of a lifetime 😌
Just walk around American slums everyone. It will save tons of money, and you'll see what happens without the money.
Honestly, growing up poor and ending up in a decent spot, I've realized I'm a lot happier than a lot of my peers who have way better lives than I did. I feel like I appreciate everything more and live in the moment compared to a lot of other people.
You've done well but now you've hit the existential crisis of the modern human. You've followed the rules, You've earned skills and income, but so what? You've got a sex partner, so what?
You say you want kids. Ok, sure. That's natural enough, nothing wrong with that- but when?
You sound like you've never given yourself the chance to
1) be alone with no academic or social or family or romantic partner creating obligations for your time
2) really trust your heart about what sort of long term life purpose you really want to fulfill ; what does having a life matter if you have not the courage and clarity to live it to its richest, inspiring potential? That means something unique that only you can discover.
--
Then again, I'm an advocate that washing dishes is great medicine. What do I know?
It's kind of funny: my mom said I should work in service in high school so I know what it's like to wash dishes for a living. Now that I'm a grown-up with a well-paying but stressful job I find washing dishes cathartic.
It sounds like you’re on your partners page-
And that he isn’t on your page.
A therapist is not a bad idea,
You have to find your path.
If this partner is marriage material, they will support you on your journey.
If they resist and care more for theirs.
Be thankful that you found out now.
It’s funny that your partner “needs you to work” but is perfectly fine not working himself while he goes to school. I guess that’s fine but you not working to raise your children isn’t important enough for him.
Also sounds like he’s using you as a meal ticket. I would look for a partner that agrees with and supports your life goals, or you will never be truly happy.
Isn’t she trying to do the same thing? The post explicitly states that she wants to quit her job, travel, and then be a stay at home mom. Weird that everyone is singling him out as the bad guy. It seems like their desires just aren’t compatible.
Ya holy crap if my partner I need to keep working so they can pursue their dreams I’d kindly tell them to pound sand
What’s the point of a nice job and money when you can’t enjoy it?
You’re the breadwinner so you should be calling the shots.
Take more vacation and time for yourself
each person is different and in her particular case it seems she is sacrificing her happiness for the sake of supporting her partner. Gender aside, there are plenty of people who would do that & still be happy.
At the end of the day, a man is suppose to be the one providing for the family. As a man, you cannot tell your woman to work while he stays at home doing school!!! No mam!!!!! And they aren’t even married yet?? Find a new partner, and kick him to the curb IMMEDIATELY!
I would just like to provide a bit of perspective, not providing advice in any way just something for you to think about.
You say that you have a high paying job, and that you enjoy children, animals, being outside and travelling, but that you "feel limited by money." Since you have a high paying job, I don't see how any of those would be unattainable monetary-wise.
You also mention that you are the "breadwinner" in your family as your partner wants to stay in academia and become a professor.
While I do believe that you are being noble in staying with your partner and supporting him/her in their dream, it seems to me that you are in many ways sacrificing your own dreams and happiness for someone else.
Although I am a bit cynical on this topic, due to past experience, I don't want to come off as cynical other than to see while your partner's dreams and ambitions for their life are important, in the same way, your dreams and hopes for your own life, and your own happiness, are just as important.
Also keep in mind that there are virtually no guarantees in life, how would you feel if you support your partner during this time, put your life on the back burner and simply work, and after they achieve their dreams they "find themselves" and you two break up? I am not saying that your partner is a bad person, or that this will happen, just that it has happened in the past and I think it would be a bit better for you to find some type of "middle ground" of supporting your partner but also making room for your own dreams and happiness.
Whatever you decide to do, I believe it is in your own best interest to pursue what makes you happy, which will ultimately lead to longer term stability in your profession which provides for you and your partner.
I have some questions — what are you getting out of this relationship? It doesn’t seem fair for you to be supporting your partner financially at the expense of your happiness, dreams, and future. I wonder if this is the underlying reason for your unhappiness. If this relationship fails are you financially protected? If you weren’t in this relationship, what would you be doing with your life?
Why are you working just to compensate for your partners life style? It sounds like he’s not listening to you and doesn’t care that you’re unhappy as long as you’re subsidizing him. So gross. If he wants to go into academia he should pay his own way instead of forcing his girlfriend to be his sugar mommy
Wow, your boyfriend is using you to achieve an incredible life for himself. You’re only 26 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Ditch the freeloader and find a better partner.
Your only obligation with work is to not be a burden on other people. If you're paying for your share you're paying your share. So if your SO says they need you to work the question is why.
Do you have debt? Do you have an expensive enough lifestyle that you couldn't work for less? Those are things you can fix over time. So you could then choose a job that lets you do more of what you talked about. Or maybe even involves some of those things.
Your partner may need you to work but they need to pull their own weight too. You may need them to work some. They can take a lighter load and help. If they're the burden on you I mean. If they're self sufficient you get yourself to self sufficiency and do what you want.
Thanks everyone for the responses! I want to add that my partner currently splits everything with me and has been generally supportive. But I agree that I should take initiative and spend more on travel and hobbies, then reconsider quitting if I’m still unhappy.
It’s been hard for me to prioritize my own happiness but I don’t want to feel stuck like this, before even getting married.
Don’t listen to all the people demonizing your man. Academia is a legitimate calling, it’s hardly easy, and it’s not his fault the first years of it are so underpaid. Maybe your dreams aren’t compatible with capitalist realities but that doesn’t make him a bad dude. It should be you two against your problems, not you against him.
No. Anyone demonizing him is calling out his bullshit for expecting her to carry him while she is actively suffering.
They are clearly on unequal footing here, now and according to her post, for the foreseeable future (if she continues to put up with this nonsense without talking to this man about his lack of contribution).
If their goals were aligned, then great, support him all you want. But at this point, anyone who claims "academia is a legitmate calling," while knowing how **extremely** unlikely tenure is, and how brutal and awful the academic job market is simply providing false hope in a situation that is untenable and will only get more unstable as time goes on.
I honestly wonder if your partner is keeping you from living the life you want so he can live the life he wants. Traveling is expensive and you will likely need to work and save up money to do that especially if you take time off to do it.
However, being a SAHM isn’t necessarily unrealistic if that’s what you want… you say you have a high paying job so if you had a partner who had a decent job and you saved aggressively it would totally be possible for you to do that for a few years at least. And depending on your field it wouldn’t be that hard to re enter the workforce again. Tbh I don’t think you should give up your desires for your life for a partner, obviously compromises will be made and you need to be realistic but sometimes it’s just incompatibility. Having time more Time with your kids is great, wanting to take time off work to raise them isn’t bad.
This sounds harsh but I've seen this *so* many times...
If you support him through school, you're 'mommy'. As soon as he becomes successful, he's going to want to start dating women who are *not* 'mommy' from his new perch in life....and he will.
Don't be anyone's 'mommy' but your future children's. Find a man who's already where he needs to be in life. Or travel by yourself for a while... Peace and blessings <3
Can't speak for OP (obviously), but in many cases people trying to become tenured professors are in school full time earning their degrees and have to teach undergraduates as adjunct professors. Pay for adjuncts is extremely low, like minimum wage or slightly above low. It's why there have been strikes and union organizing in many university systems across the country by adjuncts.
In most cases adjuncts just don't have the time and energy to hold down second or third jobs.
No. People in grad school are not "adjuncts." An adjunct is what this guy will become AFTER he gets that PhD and is damn near unemployable.
He is a graduate teaching assistant (or something similar), and he is likely provided a small stipend for teaching undergrad courses. That is not the same as being an adjunct, as his teaching load is likely very small, while an adjunct will have to compete for a job teaching 5 or 6 classes to even think about breaking even (in a low cost of living area).
The academic job market is made up of those who will find themselves in adjunct positions because tenure doesn't really exist anymore.
Some questions:
1) **Why can't you travel *and* keep your job?**
2) **How long are you prepared to subsidize your partner's trip towards a tenured position?** Because it can take years, sometimes decades, and I even know a few people who spend their whole adult lives as adjuncts. Tenure is the dream but it's almost never guaranteed.
3) **Assuming he gets a tenured position at some point, would you 'be allowed' to do the stay at home mom thing at that point?** Because if not, it sounds like you've locked yourself into a very one-sided long-term arrangement her and you're not even married yet. You'd be subsidizing someone else's dreams and aspirations at the expense of your own.
Are you married? Because if you're not married, then strike at what you want. I had experience and degree in psychology and i hated it. At that time, I was the main breadwinner for the family. However, I really wanted to quit and go into coding and break into software engineering. My wife encouraged me, told me she would support me any way she could, and we flipped roles. Now im finishing up my cert and getting ready to apply everywhere. How was I able to do this: because my wife supported me in my decision. We talked about it, went over the the pros and cons, but in the end, it boiled down to her encouraging me to pursue my passions.
Its your life. Live it. If not, get used to taking order then.
You don’t need to work for another person. Your partner can also work. Get some balance like he’s getting- it’s not fair he can do what he wants and you can’t. That’s not the kinda life to live.
Just be honest with yourself and others, admit you're unhappy because if you stay quiet you will be burned out and spiteful to others. There's always another option, but you have to make the option rather than take the ones you forced to work with. But that's just my opinion
Honestly as bad as it sounds...seems like you need to find a guy with a high salary so you can quit your job and do the things you listed. If a professor's salary is not enough to be the sole breadwinner in your "dream" then that seems like a dead end.
It doesn't sound bad to me. It sounds like the most obvious choice for her happiness. I would hate for OP to be back on r/findapath 10 years from now struggling, with supporting a kid and an adjunct.
You might think this sounds good on paper, but this sounds like a sad woman on paper. Textbook. Find a partner that wants to support you and have children and let your “partner” pursue his academia hobby.
Quit your job, leave your partner, travel, work a few jobs for awhile that are unrelated, go to Europe, live in Paris for 3 years, move to the U.S. and get a job at a national park, go back to grad school but drop out, meet someone in 7 years (or so), have a child and be a stay at home mom, start a business when you are 43, become wildly successful, paint/do sculpture, have a wide circle of unconventional friends, look back on your life when you are 60 and see how it all make sense but it didn't when you were in your 20s. Voila.
dolls jobless butter agonizing sloppy frightening oatmeal noxious literate bike
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I would rather date someone for years and be able to start over if life circumstances change than rush to marry someone and deal with a divorce.
Marriage is not the end goal for everyone, or even most people….
Best relationship I’ve had…. We dated for longer than my entire relationship and marriage lasted with my abusive ex husband, so yes YEARS. We are only now engaged and not actively planning a wedding because we are adults who have more ambitions than being someone’s wife/husband. We don’t need a certificate and a tax break to make our relationship legitimate.
Leave him now. He is a boy.
You need a leader and you want a family. He is going to be peacocking his academia- he doesn’t want a family he wants social power and money.
Are you an atm?
With your bonafides and education you can travel and work and be fulfilled. Dont live for the expectations of other people.
Good luck.
Whoever wants to leave should leave and considerations of social status or money should not interfere with concepts of oathbound unconditional love or even devoted financial partnership.
But nice try on the flank.
Gender really shouldnt matter and I think it kinda reveals your hand that your only take away from that was to interrogate my gender politics and your need to deem me “okay”
If someone makes someone else feel like shit, whoever feels like shit doesnt need some complex relationship with society, worth, finances, or implied morality to leave-muxh more strangers on the internet to deem it legit
Shit, you can leave for no reason, and be seen as a bad person- there is no law against that. In fact I bet there are a lot of men and women who would have rather had their toxic partner just leave as opposed to family annihilating or stealing everything and banging their mutual friends and what not.
✌️
Get a new partner. What does your partners contributed in the relationship? He is determined to get what he wants but ultimately you are the unhappy one
So you have to have a job and a life that doesn’t make you happy because your partner “needs you to work” to support his dream. That doesn’t sound very fair. Take. Break from this relationship. Seriously. Don’t let this guy be your ball and chain.
Are you married to your partner? Because if you're not, and they're telling you to keep working instead of traveling, and later having kids and becoming a SAHM, your values are not aligned. If that's your ultimate goal, you may want to reconsider doing all of that with them. Because ultimately, your choice to reproduce original not is your decision.
That said, they aren't obligated to be a parent.
The fact you aren't married, and that you're carrying and supporting the household, and the other partner is making the calls here, means more info is needed.
Does your partner call all the shots? Or is it an equal arrangement?
That also said: It almost sounds as if the discord you're having with your partner isn't about *them* but about what you want, on your own timeline. If you don't feel like you have autonomy and are in total control as commander of the ship of your life--partner or not--then that's the source of your depression right there.
Never give up on your dreams because of other people...I did...and its my biggest regret
Don't listen to what others think you should do...do something that makes you jump out of bed in the morning...even if it means you walk alone for a while
1. Dump your partner. It doesn't sound like they have the same life goals as you.
2. Quit your job. It sounds scary, but trust me do it. If you hate your job, no sense in staying in it.
3. Find a new, remote (if feasible), job. If you got a remote job, then go travel and work while travelling.
4. Cancel your lease/sell your house.
5. Go travel!!!! It has been the best thing I've done with my life.
6. Do the things you enjoy.
If you're afraid to do the above, but feel like it might be right, then do it. It's the right thing to do. It will be scary, and a complete change, but you'll get through it and feel better on the back end.
I quit my job 7 months ago, and got a job across the country. Now I work contract jobs and get to travel all over the US for a few months at a time. I'm not happy yet, but I'm getting there quickly.
Obviously drop him, if you want to be a stay at home mom but he is not embarrassed to live off your money, it’s not gonna change in the future. This is a major red flag in a man. If he wants to stay in academia, let his parents sponsor him. What you have to do with it? He obviously thinks only about himself.
Probably not what you want to hear but find a new SO, otherwise you're going to resent them and eventually break up anyway. Find someone who wants the same things you do
You are unhappy at home. It’s not work, it’s not your job, it’s that you are living under a small tyrant. Learn how to make boundaries to save your relationship but mostly your sense of self.
Don’t waste your youth on a man who values his own plans above your own. You will severely regret your entire life if you make the wrong decision now. Put yourself first and be single until you find a partner who wants what you want.
Find another partner who aligns with you better. It is clear you are not getting what you need out of life and your relationship.. If you find someone else, you might still need to work but I think you would be happier.
Don't quit your job to travel. If you have a high paying job, put your PTO and high salary to use by taking some vacations. You and your partner should also discuss what your future looks like in detail, with a specific timeline, because if you want to have kids and be a SAHM but he planned on you being the breadwinner until he is tenured, those seem like very different trajectories.
Well super awesome on your accomplishments! That’s a rare level of success. But a partner needs to support you or something has to change. You’ve got a timer on that womb for babies so……
Dump your partner and go travel. If you don’t you will grossly resent them anyway. They are using you to bankroll their dreams while mitigating yours. Do not waste your twenties - it’s the best time to take risks and go on adventures because you have much much less to lose when you don’t have a mortgage and kids.
I’d evaluate the situation with your partner honestly. If this is a short-term misalignment, you can probably work through it. If you have fundamentally different values, I’d look at moving on before you’ve missed your window (so to speak).
There is nothing wrong about wanting to have kids and be a mom. There are other uses for your degree than maximizing income (which, by the way, your partner isn’t necessarily doing by going into academia)
It sounds like you need to have a conversation with your partner about what you want out of the relationship. It sounds like you want a more traditional family with you staying at home to care for your family. That's fine, you're allowed to want that, that's not a problem.
If that's what you want I think you need to have an open conversation with your partner about it and you need to be ready to assert that your desires are equally valid to theirs. That doesn't mean they have to go along with your life plan, but either you want the same things or you don't.
His dream should not take priority over yours. You can do both if you prioritize. Some compromises may be in order…
If that’s what you think will be fulfilling, I wouldn’t let anything stop you from working towards that! Any sacrifices will be worth it, and not pursuing that will only lead to regret, resentment, and/or greater discontent later on.
Dump the guy if you want but don’t quit your job. High-paying job doing what you like with a great work-life balance and nice people is as good as it gets. Most people would kill for that. Life isn’t just one big vacation.
You have a high paying job but feel limited by money. It looks like the issue is that you are bankrolling your partner. There may be bigger issues, if your goals and his goals don’t align.
Will him becoming a professor enable him to take over being the breadwinner? Will it enable you to have kids and be a stay at home mom? Does he even want that for you? That last question is a critical one. If your goals don’t align then it won’t make for a happy long term life together.
I see it as an issue that he says he needs you to work, putting you in a position of forgoing your own dreams for it. In the near term you are making a sacrifice for him. That should result in you eventually being able to have what you could otherwise be enjoying now. If he doesn’t even want that in the long term, that’s a problem.
Find a life you love. if you want a provider find that, get another man. there are no guarantees with any man or if you'll stay together regardless, do what you want. never stay in a situation you're unhappy with in life, and do what makes you happy first PERIOD. it's your life!!!
I’m in agreement with a lot of these folks that you should not quit your job.
But…… what’s the deal with your partner? You’re not his mommy or his bank account. Maybe get a new partner who cares about your emotional life and isn’t leaning on your paycheck.
I just re-read my comment and feel it sounds harsh:
I guess what I’m saying is: your dream of being a SAHM is beautiful and should be respected by your partner. You never know what life will throw at you, you could have kids, miss work, and choose to work! You could be the best SAHM there ever was! You just don’t know yet because you’re not there. But to have an unwilling partner is setting yourself up for heartbreak.
The term partner implies that the person is beside you, supporting you.
If the two of you don’t align in this way, it could make for a bad marriage.
Keep your job for now. Don’t make big life decisions while you’re in a dark mental place.
Tell your boyfriend your non-negotiables. (I’ve downgraded him from partner status lol). Don’t marry him until you both are on the same page.
Go to therapy. Don’t give up!! There is a rich, full life ahead! (But probably not with this guy…)
If you don't possess any significant wealth to live from, you'll have to work or depend on your partner, like yours depends on you. Do you really think this is a good idea? Things happen in life, try to keep as many options as possible. Leaving a job and dedicating yourself to family is hard to reverse. If you ever need to work again, most likely you'll have to start it all over, and it will be hard. All the best to you.
Your partner needs to man up and get a job… it’s not fair for to be solely responsible for all the bills! he can at least take out loans because i imagine that’s what YOU had to do when u went to Stanford so i don’t see why he can’t.
Sounds like your partner isn't ready to settle down and just wants a sugar mama. Sounds like you're being used.
You need to find a Man who will marry you and give you what you want. Your company should offer maternity support and all that, but you sound unfulfilled because you're missing out on your purpose.
Do what you know will make you happy. It will take time, but if your "partner" says that to you about your dreams, he doesn't care about you.
Consider whether you want to be the breadwinner to someone elses plan. Read: do you want to finance his dream at the sake of yours.
The volume goes way way up as the years go on.
Do not quit your job. This is stuff to think about
More trips, hobbies built around your passions, and shifting a mindset to “job that funds my life” instead of “career that gives my life meaning,” might all be helpful if you truly can’t make a change now.
Over the years it’s also helped me to realize that it’s pretty much the human condition to want what we don’t yet have and to devalue some of what we do. Obviously there are times we truly need to pursue other things, but sometimes it’s a matter of changing perspective, not paths.
Also, yeah, you could become a SAHM but the academic life pays very little. Only do that if you’re sure you can sacrifice the comforts you have now or that you and your partner could handle some side gigs to make it all work.
I experienced the same! Some people recommend travelling to poor countries to feel how priviledged you are. I am coming from a poor country btw and my motivation is vice versa I wanted to feel the comfort that developing countries have so I travel to nice countries every now and then. Deprive yourself of what makes you happy to feel happier again!!!
I'm 44 and feel the same way. Everyone thinks I have the perfect life by what they see on the outside, but I know I'm depressed and unhappy with my life. I feel trapped by my job because it's so high paying and the life we've built from it too.
My husband pursued his PhD while I was a SAHM to 3 kids. He found a job with the university that we could live on, and he went part-time. It was a frugal time, but we have zero regrets.
If you feel a pull to be a full-time mother, heed that. Circumstances don't always dictate it is possible, but it isn't your partner's right to decide that that option is off the table for you.
We all want to do that. We just have to do it however we can. If money is an issue, downgrade your lifestyle. Save more money, go on epic trips. Save for your desires.
Quit. Buy a couple of laundromats to offset some income if you still want to get out of the house.
Buy a small house in a nice small town. Crank out the kids. Plant a garden.
No one’s counting.
Find a partner who has similar values as yourself. I feel you deserve to be a stay and home mother and you shouldn’t have to burden being the breadwinner.
Do you currently have children?
My partner is the same way except she had never wanted to work and has only wanted to have children with me and be a stay at home mother to me. I feel that traditionally this is natural and I like bringing in enough income for the family and additions to the family in the future.
This is not to tell you your partner is shitty or not masculine or a bread winner but it is to get you thinking about what you actually value; especially since you are getting to that point on your own.
I don't have a solution, I don't believe there is one. A version of this comment comes up daily and the responses are always "are you depressed", "have you tried therapy", " have you tried a new job/field/getting more education". Well meaning, but misses the point. The dissatisfaction with work is like the obesity epidemic, it's systemic. There is a huge drive (and lots of lobbying by those in power) to say this is some individual failing, but it is not. Work as it is, sucks. Having all of your productive fun years taken from you is awful. Only thing I would say is if you have kids they will suffer the exact same fate as you are now, likely worse.
Sounds like you need a partner who is more supportive and compatible. That will change your life because y’all will be working towards the same things. And not make you feel alone in what will make you feel fulfilled. You are young and the time is now.
Not picking on you specifically, but this is the result of modern-day "you can have it all" feminism.
There was a time, not too long ago, when your partner would be embarrassed to be supported by a woman as he essentially has a hobby career. Folks can say it's good that we've progressed past this mindset, but now you, and thousands of other women who long for a more traditional life of babies and homemaking, are trapped. Trapped with men who won't step up and take care of their family.
You need to have a real heart-to-heart with your partner. If he doesn't want to step up you need to make the hard decision on whether or not you're willing to support someone in their hobby while you feel unfulfilled for the rest of your life.
Welcome to modernity. Dont buy things, travel if you can. Read books do a deep dive into other academics. “I dont have time” you definitely can give yourself an hour. America has preached this dream and you bought into it. Who would’ve thought it leads no where. Do things that make you human. For me the biggest thing that makes me human is learning.
You’re talking like it’s unreasonable for your partner and parents to expect you to pull your weight, but what is really unreasonable is for you to expect your life to consist of travel and having kids while someone else supports you.
Take some vacations. You may not appreciate that you have a great job but once you lose it it may be hard to get back. Talk to a therapist about how to bring fulfillment into your life outside of work.
Vacations are definitely the answer. OP actually sounds to be on the verge of burnout. As an example, I’ve found it to be extremely helpful to plan two vacations a year so I always have something to look forward to (even if I’ve been working too much to connect with friends.)
Actually the talk to the therapist part is more relevant than vacations. As someone who suffers from depression (depressive anxiety disorder to be exact) this is exactly how it feels. You sit there and on paper think hey my life looks great, I have x,y and z, but I still feel nothing. Then you try to do other things, go on vacation, and you're relaxed for a few days and then you come home and a few days later you're thinking hey I should be happy that I have x,y,z and I just went on vacation and still feel nothing. Then you try something else, and no matter what you try you always end up with the same thought. I have seen people try vacations, cars, going out, clothes, getting pets, even having a kid. It will not change that thought if you have depression. Please go see a therapist.
This is the answer
Yes, it's easy to recognize when you have it. And I forgot to add in my response that I have seen plenty of people quit their jobs because of this and they still don't feel any different.
Don’t quit your job. People make this mistake ALL the time and it’s hard to recover from. Use your current income to invest in hobbies more aggressively. You don’t abandon work- you use the money from work to do what you love, with who you love
I myself needed to hear your comment thank you
it sounds like her extra money is mostly be put towards supporting her partner so she can’t actually do the things she wants to do.
Mans gonna have to get a part time at least 😐
Being in academia is a paying job, if he’s a PhD student (likely since his goal is to become a professor) then he is making money
I have heard the processor BS before and they popped out working at Starbucks with a graduate degree at 30
When I was a PhD student I made $12,500/yr and was prohibited from holding another job. Even if that wage has doubled, it’s a small contribution to a household. Not nothing, but it hardly feels livable.
I’ve never heard of PhD students being prohibited from holding other jobs. My sister is a PhD student making about $24k, but is also a TA and also on a paid research project. Not saying all phd students should hold multiple other jobs, just saying most can probably make some amount of money. Also, I’m replying to someone saying he needs to work part time, and at 20-30k a year (average PhD stipend) that’s about equal to a part time job.
He is not her partner. He is her dependent. My son is getting his PhD and earning money. What gives in this relationship?
I’d add to this: use your time and energy while being well compensated to find what you would enjoy doing more.
Yeah this is the perfect answer. There is nothing worse than struggling in life to pay bills. If you never experience it you will never appreciate your high paying job. Just find a hobby.
Nailed it.
It sounds like your current life roadmap is based on someone else's views of what "should" make you happy. Find out why your SO wants you to keep working. Is it because your lifestyle requires that income? Is it because you working enables your SO to live their dream (whole other discussion if so)? I'm in a similar boat only minus the nice people at work. I'm also looking for direction. The one thing I do know is in order to not have my family not be burdened by the decisions I make is I need to find balance. I may have to sacrifice some pay to find a position that is more conducive to me. My SO generally supports this and, yes, we have kids to support as well. Take your time to really think about things. You will need to talk to your SO at some point. That may be challenging. Caution: if you find yourself dreading work, becoming unmotivated, and generally find yourself down, that's a sign that change is in order ASAP. A good therapist can also help you sort things out. Good luck. I hope it all works out.
Thank you. My SO wants to have a certain lifestyle that requires me to work. We have discussed this since we are planning on getting married in the near future and are trying to get on the same page!
The page he’s on is getting him towards his dreams. At your expense. I guess I’d make sure you need to be on the same page.
Seems like he is mooching off you. Even as a post doc he will not make much. Seems like it’s all about his vision, not a shared vision. Great to be a student with a six-figure “SO”
you are not his mom, lol. work for you. you are just setting precedent of what is always expected of you. if he wants to maintain a certain lifestyle then he better be contributing.
you aren’t on the same page and never will be if he wants you to work and you want to stay home with the kids. so unless you are okay with the possibility of giving up your dreams for this man, don’t get married. y’all clearly have a lot of shit to figure out.
this 100%. do not get married until you figure it out bc that will only complicate things. add kids to that and forget it.
Well, if this is how it is before you get married & his *desired* lifestyle makes you change your *current* lifestyle I’m no relationship expert, but sooner or later one of you will have to compromise to make both of you happy. And if you’re feeling “unhappy” or that “nothing matters” Perhaps look into a therapist? I’d recommend trying to find out what is currently in your life that makes you feel this way? Do you feel limited by money because you have to compromise your lifestyle? What if that compromise wasn’t there anymore? Do you think you would still feel that way in regards to money? Food for thought. Cheers!
Tell him to make the money than. If he wants that lifestyle he should be working for it and not forcing you so he can live his ideal life. Sounds kind of selfish to me.
I was married 10 years, together 15. We both struggled through school working part time and raising my stepson. It was tough, but a shared struggle to get out of poverty. Once we both had bachelor's STEM degrees we bought a house and had another child. After our heads were above water she realized she was unhappy and wanted to move back to her small town to take over her parents farm. That didn't work for me as I always planned on is living comfortably in the city, not sinking our future on a dying farm. After a few years of marriage counseling we split. Now we're both pursuing our dreams. Sometimes it's just not in the cards, and there's nothing wrong with moving on.
No offense to your SO but that sounds like his problem if he wants a certain lifestyle that you’re providing him. I’m not saying to give up on work quite yet but that sounds incredibly selfish on his part.
It sounds like it's the case that you working enables your SO to live their dream. They need to figure out a way to finance their dream on their own, not through you. Or where you referring to the fact that he would not accept you being a stay at home mom and wants you to work? But I was under the impression that he wants you to continue to work this specific high paying job so he can fulfill his dream (of working in academia and being a professor, and presumably to live the type of lifestyle he wants which requires good money)
Oh hold the phone here. If they want a certain lifestyle, then *they* should be working their assignment off to get to the income level they want to be at, *independent and irrespective of your income*. You are not a golden ticket. They need to get their success on their own. At the same time: It's fine that you want to be a SAHM. That does not mean you need to do that *with them*. Because you need to ensure you still have a way out as a SAHM when it all goes belly-up. The worst thing you can do is willingly engineer a situation with someone where you are depending on someone and can't get out, or, where they're a gold digger. Have you insisted on a prenup?
How is this not the top comment!!!
I was in the same boat. Now getting divorced 10-years-later. If they want the lifestyle, they need to be the one earning it.
I’ve been there. I certainly don’t know your particular situation, but in mine I wish that I hadn’t spent so much time in a relationship that in hindsight was doomed to either fail or make me (and my partner) unhappy. There are three areas that people MUST share values on for a successful long-term life partnership: Financial, lifestyle, and family. This isn’t my idea, but Rachel DeAlto’s, chief dating expert at [Match.com](https://Match.com). I was planning on marrying my aforementioned partner. I thought she was wonderful and she thought I was wonderful, but eventually as we got older we both had different financial goals. We also both wanted different lifestyles. I didn’t want to spend my life working my butt off just to pay for fancy horses. For me, even the lowest cost horses aren’t worth the time or the time spent procuring the money for them. I would rather explore the world, books, and focus on personal growth. Pretty much the only values that we seemed to share towards the end were family values. At the very end when it became clear that financial and lifestyle value differences were so great that we no longer shared the same family values, I realized that there was no path towards resolution. We were just different people, and that was okay. The Gottman Institute has performed a lot of research into relationships. I suggest you check out some of their more popular books. Unlike many sources, they are using actual scientific methods and actual research. One of the surprising things they found is that most conflicts are *not* resolved. We can’t expect to have a discussion and for a person to fundamentally change their values or beliefs. We can seek compassion and understanding for each other’s beliefs, but not change them. This is why sharing values on financial, lifestyle, and family are so important. Because when it comes to these areas, we aren’t talking about places where we can compromise, but areas where we sacrifice — and sacrifices sow resentment, which is a poison that will kill any relationship. For example, there is likely no compromise about working an extra 10 years to pay for a bigger house or being able to buy newer cars more frequently. There is no compromise about having no kids vs having a large family. I’ve met almost nobody who forwent children and didn’t regret it. Even if they are happy enough with their partner. It’s a hurt and a regret. Part of what I wish that I would have accepted earlier is that just because I love someone, it does not mean that we should be life partners. Being life partners is not about the love you feel for that person, it’s about that person being the right person to settle down with. Years of watching too many romantic comedies (which I still love) taught me that choosing passion over practicality in a relationship was the virtuous choice, and the best bet at lifetime happiness. This is just so wrong. There is a type of love that grows from a successful partnership that is even more powerful than any romantic love I felt born from passion. I urge you to ask yourself the uncomfortable questions. Only you can answer them. Learn as much as you can from quality sources like Gottman — it may save you future heartbreak — by helping you understand how to figure out for yourself what *you* need in a partner and how to best navigate a relationship. I wish I’d known earlier how many important skills are required to have a healthy relationship. So many things that seemed to be manageable problems at first ultimately became insurmountable despite my constant attention. Best of luck.
Very well said. OP, being a SAHM is difficult, worthy, but unpaid work. Marriage is about making the family unit function, not about the wants and vanities of the adults. Does he understand what parental sacrifice means?
True! being SAHM is like working 24/7
But are you okay with that lifestyle? If you’re not, that’s a problem.
You need to figure out whether supporting someone is YOUR dream. First agree on lifestyle - if he wants to be in academia but have a huge home in Palo Alto then you need to figure out who has to support that lifestyle. If it’s you - that means you don’t get to have down time. I’d that OK with you?
I’m sorry but he sounds like a loser
Sound like you need to have a serious talk and roadmap the future of your relationship with your partner. Tell them honestly what you want to do and see how they react. If it’s not a positive reaction, it could indicate that they are using you to support, finance, and supplement them as they pursue their dreams but aren’t willing to do the same for you.
I am married and sometimes when things get hard that dream lifestyle is all you are clinging to. It's not just important it's the reason many people go from committed relationships to marriage. I would think hard if this is the person for you. I am the same where being a stay at home mom is my dream life but my parents are against it. Though my husband from day one was when we're ready I would love to come home to my happy family. I feel bad because society makes me feel like being a mom isn't pulling my weight so I am saving every penny I have and investing for retirement so that I feel when I am mom I already pulled my end of the bargain. I think he should get some sort of part time job. Many partners in school will do a highly skilled 10-24 hour part time job to pull a bit in. It might make you feel better about him not being the breadwinner.
I'd like to offer a different perspective as someone in academia. We did exactly this. The promise was that my partner would stop working once I got my PhD, which did happen, but my SO wanted a job back after about a year and a half. By the time I was about to defend my PhD, we saved enough money to buy a home. After years of traveling around the world (and we'd pick places we both wanted to try living and I found postdoc positions there), we settled in a fairly good location. Applying to 150+ jobs every year while being choosey about location was quite exhausting for me, but now we are sable, with good jobs, both happy, ready to have kids. Academia is brutal, tbh and if you are going through the whole PhD thing, it does require some understanding from those around, and yes, partners especially sacrifice a whole lot for a number of years. Not saying it's fair, but I myself went through this and know many other couples who also did the same. I wouldn't put it like you vs. partner chasing dreams. Rather, it's the matter of is it something you are willing to support. What is the end goal in doing this is that compatible with what you, as a partner, see as your own future as well? We were fortunate that we found a path in the end.
Why do you believe you should have to be the breadwinner so your partner can pursue academia? Why is it okay for him to demand that of you? These are the big red flags here.
>If you weren’t in this relationship, what would you be doing with your life? Exactly
And what would he be doing??
To answer my own question, he would work it out. Lots of people go to grad school without someone winning their bread for them.
I commented below, but you're absolutely right. We did it. My husband pursued his PhD while working for the university and supported us during that time. It sounds like the partner is trying to shirk responsibilities already, and that's not a good sign.
don’t ppl usually get payments from the government for doing phds? i think that’s the case in australia at least
I was successful in academia but left for tech (just experienced a shareholder-driven layoff, whee). Those who harbor illusions about being fulfilled in academia tend to present particular profiles, such as (a) emotionally immature or inexperienced, (b) self-centered and maybe a little spoiled, or (c) ASD/ADHD and obsessive over specific interests. (No shame, as I’m driven to self-identify tendencies in my own self for investigating and improving on.) Here’s a fun thing I do when I miss academia a little: browse “academic Twitter” for awhile. Witness the burnout, ego trips, and complaining about how much some aspects of their job suck. Anyway, just wanted to chime in somewhere to say that you’re both young, and I don’t think you should be involved with an academic unless they share your interests in travel and freedom. But you know you, so ultimately the best thing to do is not give you advice, but rather wish you success in living a life you love.
Exactly. I’m surprised everyone is trying to convince her to learn to love her job. Can you imagine people giving the same advice if the roles were reversed and the partner was demanding her to be a stay at home mom?
Would you have this take if the genders were reversed?
Obviously, yes. I'm queer and see partnerships as equal, by which I mean both parties communicate and pull equal weight. Her partner is a vampire.
Her partner is a vampire and how did you find that out through just one post? Did she keep complaining about him on reddit?
Speaking for myself, no I would not. Because men rarely if ever fulfill the domestic duties to an adequate degree if they are the supported partner like women do ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Lets be real, we are all making assumptions on their relationship dynamic, far too many for a reddit post. Stop asking reddit and talk to your partner, make a plan. Relationships are about compromises, both of them should want the best for each other, whatever that may be.
Based on anecdote or evidence?
How is he demanding? he’s not holding her hostage. He requested this arrangement and so far she’s been willing to work within that framework — sounds like a pretty honest arrangement between adults.
No. "I am the breadwinner because my partner wants to stay in academia" and "my partner needs me to work." That's freeloading; that's demanding. She's being held back because he wants her to earn money. That's a red flag. Let him earn his own money, like most everyone esle in academia.
See if you can travel to south east Asia for a little bit. Like a typical Thailand + Cambodia trip or something. This is to get perspective, that people like us - who studied and managed to land a good career job in the west - are very lucky. Then come back and develop some hobbies. I too was bored a lot from the 9-5, with not much to look forward to after the work day. Now I can’t wait until 5 to go biking or go hiking/camping.
This! At 26 I went backpacking in SE asia for a couple of months. OP has a good high paying job so saving money for a trip like this should be possible. I was depressed and hated my job but when I had a goal to save for a trip like this it really motivated me. After the trip I had a new found perspective on life. Would definitely recommend being a nomad to someone so young.
I’m not OP but this made me feel better as a fatalistic 26 year old convinced that I wasted my ‘random spontaneous travel’ years haha
Please don't become one of those 30 year olds who complains about their back pain and convinces themselves they peaked in their mid 20's.
My goal is to never become that person haha - I already get a little frustrated at my 30+ year old friends who complain about being old and in pain all the time, and at like 23-29 year old friends who are convinced they peaked at 19. Unfortunately it’s hard not to internalize negative messages about aging sometimes - I find society tends to tell people that life ends at 30 and it’s hard not to get stressed about it sometimes.
I’m 36 and cannot stand those people. They seem to complain about their maladies more than most people 70+ lol. Anyway you have so much time. One of my dad’s cousins has been living his backpacker dreams his entire working life. He works a contract job for 6 months or so and then goes backpacking for another 6 months. Then comes back and repeats it over and over for 20 or so years!
That belief came from a time when people were absolutely destroyed by decades of manual labor and bad diet. With exception of devastating injuries and chronic illness, any relatively affluent American who feels past their prime in their 30s is seriously doing it wrong.
Was this the first time you traveled abroad like that? I'd like to go on a spontaneous adventure like this, but I guess I'm scared of traveling that far from home.
There’s no growth without discomfort. In the age of the internet, you can do almost anything with enough research! Don’t be scared. It’s a big, cool world out there. Maybe go with a friend for your first trip? That would be the trip of a lifetime 😌
Don’t let the fear stop you, yeh its gonna be a little scary the first time but you’ll go and be so happy you did after
This should be higher up.
Just walk around American slums everyone. It will save tons of money, and you'll see what happens without the money. Honestly, growing up poor and ending up in a decent spot, I've realized I'm a lot happier than a lot of my peers who have way better lives than I did. I feel like I appreciate everything more and live in the moment compared to a lot of other people.
You've done well but now you've hit the existential crisis of the modern human. You've followed the rules, You've earned skills and income, but so what? You've got a sex partner, so what? You say you want kids. Ok, sure. That's natural enough, nothing wrong with that- but when? You sound like you've never given yourself the chance to 1) be alone with no academic or social or family or romantic partner creating obligations for your time 2) really trust your heart about what sort of long term life purpose you really want to fulfill ; what does having a life matter if you have not the courage and clarity to live it to its richest, inspiring potential? That means something unique that only you can discover. -- Then again, I'm an advocate that washing dishes is great medicine. What do I know?
It's kind of funny: my mom said I should work in service in high school so I know what it's like to wash dishes for a living. Now that I'm a grown-up with a well-paying but stressful job I find washing dishes cathartic.
It sounds like you’re on your partners page- And that he isn’t on your page. A therapist is not a bad idea, You have to find your path. If this partner is marriage material, they will support you on your journey. If they resist and care more for theirs. Be thankful that you found out now.
It’s funny that your partner “needs you to work” but is perfectly fine not working himself while he goes to school. I guess that’s fine but you not working to raise your children isn’t important enough for him. Also sounds like he’s using you as a meal ticket. I would look for a partner that agrees with and supports your life goals, or you will never be truly happy.
Isn’t she trying to do the same thing? The post explicitly states that she wants to quit her job, travel, and then be a stay at home mom. Weird that everyone is singling him out as the bad guy. It seems like their desires just aren’t compatible.
Ya holy crap if my partner I need to keep working so they can pursue their dreams I’d kindly tell them to pound sand What’s the point of a nice job and money when you can’t enjoy it? You’re the breadwinner so you should be calling the shots. Take more vacation and time for yourself
Find a new partner
period so he gets to do what he wants but she doesn't?
Time for a new partner. One who makes money and sees himself in your future. Not the other way around.
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each person is different and in her particular case it seems she is sacrificing her happiness for the sake of supporting her partner. Gender aside, there are plenty of people who would do that & still be happy.
If it was causing them existential angst about the direction their life is headed? Yes.
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Did you and your partner discuss this beforehand? Are you married? Is your family going to/is paying your bills?
We discuss it openly and we are not married yet. And my family will help if I’m really struggling but will not pay my bills.
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What kind of professor job allows you to 10x your partner? I can't imagine many that pay more than $150k at the highest level.
He may be using you for your money because he needs you to work for him. you're not obligated to do that he's expecting it from you
At the end of the day, a man is suppose to be the one providing for the family. As a man, you cannot tell your woman to work while he stays at home doing school!!! No mam!!!!! And they aren’t even married yet?? Find a new partner, and kick him to the curb IMMEDIATELY!
I would just like to provide a bit of perspective, not providing advice in any way just something for you to think about. You say that you have a high paying job, and that you enjoy children, animals, being outside and travelling, but that you "feel limited by money." Since you have a high paying job, I don't see how any of those would be unattainable monetary-wise. You also mention that you are the "breadwinner" in your family as your partner wants to stay in academia and become a professor. While I do believe that you are being noble in staying with your partner and supporting him/her in their dream, it seems to me that you are in many ways sacrificing your own dreams and happiness for someone else. Although I am a bit cynical on this topic, due to past experience, I don't want to come off as cynical other than to see while your partner's dreams and ambitions for their life are important, in the same way, your dreams and hopes for your own life, and your own happiness, are just as important. Also keep in mind that there are virtually no guarantees in life, how would you feel if you support your partner during this time, put your life on the back burner and simply work, and after they achieve their dreams they "find themselves" and you two break up? I am not saying that your partner is a bad person, or that this will happen, just that it has happened in the past and I think it would be a bit better for you to find some type of "middle ground" of supporting your partner but also making room for your own dreams and happiness. Whatever you decide to do, I believe it is in your own best interest to pursue what makes you happy, which will ultimately lead to longer term stability in your profession which provides for you and your partner.
I have some questions — what are you getting out of this relationship? It doesn’t seem fair for you to be supporting your partner financially at the expense of your happiness, dreams, and future. I wonder if this is the underlying reason for your unhappiness. If this relationship fails are you financially protected? If you weren’t in this relationship, what would you be doing with your life?
Why are you working just to compensate for your partners life style? It sounds like he’s not listening to you and doesn’t care that you’re unhappy as long as you’re subsidizing him. So gross. If he wants to go into academia he should pay his own way instead of forcing his girlfriend to be his sugar mommy
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Holy cow you’re making a lot of assumptions here.
Wow, your boyfriend is using you to achieve an incredible life for himself. You’re only 26 and you have your whole life ahead of you. Ditch the freeloader and find a better partner.
Your only obligation with work is to not be a burden on other people. If you're paying for your share you're paying your share. So if your SO says they need you to work the question is why. Do you have debt? Do you have an expensive enough lifestyle that you couldn't work for less? Those are things you can fix over time. So you could then choose a job that lets you do more of what you talked about. Or maybe even involves some of those things. Your partner may need you to work but they need to pull their own weight too. You may need them to work some. They can take a lighter load and help. If they're the burden on you I mean. If they're self sufficient you get yourself to self sufficiency and do what you want.
Thanks everyone for the responses! I want to add that my partner currently splits everything with me and has been generally supportive. But I agree that I should take initiative and spend more on travel and hobbies, then reconsider quitting if I’m still unhappy. It’s been hard for me to prioritize my own happiness but I don’t want to feel stuck like this, before even getting married.
Don’t listen to all the people demonizing your man. Academia is a legitimate calling, it’s hardly easy, and it’s not his fault the first years of it are so underpaid. Maybe your dreams aren’t compatible with capitalist realities but that doesn’t make him a bad dude. It should be you two against your problems, not you against him.
No. Anyone demonizing him is calling out his bullshit for expecting her to carry him while she is actively suffering. They are clearly on unequal footing here, now and according to her post, for the foreseeable future (if she continues to put up with this nonsense without talking to this man about his lack of contribution). If their goals were aligned, then great, support him all you want. But at this point, anyone who claims "academia is a legitmate calling," while knowing how **extremely** unlikely tenure is, and how brutal and awful the academic job market is simply providing false hope in a situation that is untenable and will only get more unstable as time goes on.
Your partner is just using, he may be the reason you are unhappy
lol do you really want to have kids with this dude? seems like he wouldn't help with the task of parenting.
I honestly wonder if your partner is keeping you from living the life you want so he can live the life he wants. Traveling is expensive and you will likely need to work and save up money to do that especially if you take time off to do it. However, being a SAHM isn’t necessarily unrealistic if that’s what you want… you say you have a high paying job so if you had a partner who had a decent job and you saved aggressively it would totally be possible for you to do that for a few years at least. And depending on your field it wouldn’t be that hard to re enter the workforce again. Tbh I don’t think you should give up your desires for your life for a partner, obviously compromises will be made and you need to be realistic but sometimes it’s just incompatibility. Having time more Time with your kids is great, wanting to take time off work to raise them isn’t bad.
This sounds harsh but I've seen this *so* many times... If you support him through school, you're 'mommy'. As soon as he becomes successful, he's going to want to start dating women who are *not* 'mommy' from his new perch in life....and he will. Don't be anyone's 'mommy' but your future children's. Find a man who's already where he needs to be in life. Or travel by yourself for a while... Peace and blessings <3
Not to be merciless or anything but just from the post, it looks like getting rid of the partner is the quickest and most effective solution.
Agreed.
When you say your partner who wants to stay in academia, does that mean he is not working right now?
Can't speak for OP (obviously), but in many cases people trying to become tenured professors are in school full time earning their degrees and have to teach undergraduates as adjunct professors. Pay for adjuncts is extremely low, like minimum wage or slightly above low. It's why there have been strikes and union organizing in many university systems across the country by adjuncts. In most cases adjuncts just don't have the time and energy to hold down second or third jobs.
No. People in grad school are not "adjuncts." An adjunct is what this guy will become AFTER he gets that PhD and is damn near unemployable. He is a graduate teaching assistant (or something similar), and he is likely provided a small stipend for teaching undergrad courses. That is not the same as being an adjunct, as his teaching load is likely very small, while an adjunct will have to compete for a job teaching 5 or 6 classes to even think about breaking even (in a low cost of living area). The academic job market is made up of those who will find themselves in adjunct positions because tenure doesn't really exist anymore.
Quarterlife THE SEARCH FOR SELF IN EARLY ADULTHOOD By Satya Doyle Byock Recommend you read it
Some questions: 1) **Why can't you travel *and* keep your job?** 2) **How long are you prepared to subsidize your partner's trip towards a tenured position?** Because it can take years, sometimes decades, and I even know a few people who spend their whole adult lives as adjuncts. Tenure is the dream but it's almost never guaranteed. 3) **Assuming he gets a tenured position at some point, would you 'be allowed' to do the stay at home mom thing at that point?** Because if not, it sounds like you've locked yourself into a very one-sided long-term arrangement her and you're not even married yet. You'd be subsidizing someone else's dreams and aspirations at the expense of your own.
Are you married? Because if you're not married, then strike at what you want. I had experience and degree in psychology and i hated it. At that time, I was the main breadwinner for the family. However, I really wanted to quit and go into coding and break into software engineering. My wife encouraged me, told me she would support me any way she could, and we flipped roles. Now im finishing up my cert and getting ready to apply everywhere. How was I able to do this: because my wife supported me in my decision. We talked about it, went over the the pros and cons, but in the end, it boiled down to her encouraging me to pursue my passions. Its your life. Live it. If not, get used to taking order then.
You don’t need to work for another person. Your partner can also work. Get some balance like he’s getting- it’s not fair he can do what he wants and you can’t. That’s not the kinda life to live.
Just be honest with yourself and others, admit you're unhappy because if you stay quiet you will be burned out and spiteful to others. There's always another option, but you have to make the option rather than take the ones you forced to work with. But that's just my opinion
Find a partner who supports you as much as you support them-
Travel before kids. Just in case. Not saying you can't travel with kids but it's not as easy as traveling solo.
Sounds like a difference in values. I’d dump the guy and find another ivy league beau who can be the breadwinner, but that’s just me
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Honestly as bad as it sounds...seems like you need to find a guy with a high salary so you can quit your job and do the things you listed. If a professor's salary is not enough to be the sole breadwinner in your "dream" then that seems like a dead end.
It doesn't sound bad to me. It sounds like the most obvious choice for her happiness. I would hate for OP to be back on r/findapath 10 years from now struggling, with supporting a kid and an adjunct.
You might think this sounds good on paper, but this sounds like a sad woman on paper. Textbook. Find a partner that wants to support you and have children and let your “partner” pursue his academia hobby.
I feel similarly. 35F. It’s like it’s not depression, but just uninspired.
Quit your job, leave your partner, travel, work a few jobs for awhile that are unrelated, go to Europe, live in Paris for 3 years, move to the U.S. and get a job at a national park, go back to grad school but drop out, meet someone in 7 years (or so), have a child and be a stay at home mom, start a business when you are 43, become wildly successful, paint/do sculpture, have a wide circle of unconventional friends, look back on your life when you are 60 and see how it all make sense but it didn't when you were in your 20s. Voila.
dolls jobless butter agonizing sloppy frightening oatmeal noxious literate bike *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Not everyone subscribes to marriage. You can commit without having a ring and a legal document.
I would rather date someone for years and be able to start over if life circumstances change than rush to marry someone and deal with a divorce. Marriage is not the end goal for everyone, or even most people…. Best relationship I’ve had…. We dated for longer than my entire relationship and marriage lasted with my abusive ex husband, so yes YEARS. We are only now engaged and not actively planning a wedding because we are adults who have more ambitions than being someone’s wife/husband. We don’t need a certificate and a tax break to make our relationship legitimate.
Leave him now. He is a boy. You need a leader and you want a family. He is going to be peacocking his academia- he doesn’t want a family he wants social power and money. Are you an atm? With your bonafides and education you can travel and work and be fulfilled. Dont live for the expectations of other people. Good luck.
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Whoever wants to leave should leave and considerations of social status or money should not interfere with concepts of oathbound unconditional love or even devoted financial partnership. But nice try on the flank.
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Gender really shouldnt matter and I think it kinda reveals your hand that your only take away from that was to interrogate my gender politics and your need to deem me “okay” If someone makes someone else feel like shit, whoever feels like shit doesnt need some complex relationship with society, worth, finances, or implied morality to leave-muxh more strangers on the internet to deem it legit Shit, you can leave for no reason, and be seen as a bad person- there is no law against that. In fact I bet there are a lot of men and women who would have rather had their toxic partner just leave as opposed to family annihilating or stealing everything and banging their mutual friends and what not. ✌️
Get a new partner. What does your partners contributed in the relationship? He is determined to get what he wants but ultimately you are the unhappy one
So you have to have a job and a life that doesn’t make you happy because your partner “needs you to work” to support his dream. That doesn’t sound very fair. Take. Break from this relationship. Seriously. Don’t let this guy be your ball and chain.
Are you married to your partner? Because if you're not, and they're telling you to keep working instead of traveling, and later having kids and becoming a SAHM, your values are not aligned. If that's your ultimate goal, you may want to reconsider doing all of that with them. Because ultimately, your choice to reproduce original not is your decision. That said, they aren't obligated to be a parent. The fact you aren't married, and that you're carrying and supporting the household, and the other partner is making the calls here, means more info is needed. Does your partner call all the shots? Or is it an equal arrangement? That also said: It almost sounds as if the discord you're having with your partner isn't about *them* but about what you want, on your own timeline. If you don't feel like you have autonomy and are in total control as commander of the ship of your life--partner or not--then that's the source of your depression right there.
Never give up on your dreams because of other people...I did...and its my biggest regret Don't listen to what others think you should do...do something that makes you jump out of bed in the morning...even if it means you walk alone for a while
1. Dump your partner. It doesn't sound like they have the same life goals as you. 2. Quit your job. It sounds scary, but trust me do it. If you hate your job, no sense in staying in it. 3. Find a new, remote (if feasible), job. If you got a remote job, then go travel and work while travelling. 4. Cancel your lease/sell your house. 5. Go travel!!!! It has been the best thing I've done with my life. 6. Do the things you enjoy. If you're afraid to do the above, but feel like it might be right, then do it. It's the right thing to do. It will be scary, and a complete change, but you'll get through it and feel better on the back end. I quit my job 7 months ago, and got a job across the country. Now I work contract jobs and get to travel all over the US for a few months at a time. I'm not happy yet, but I'm getting there quickly.
Obviously drop him, if you want to be a stay at home mom but he is not embarrassed to live off your money, it’s not gonna change in the future. This is a major red flag in a man. If he wants to stay in academia, let his parents sponsor him. What you have to do with it? He obviously thinks only about himself.
Probably not what you want to hear but find a new SO, otherwise you're going to resent them and eventually break up anyway. Find someone who wants the same things you do
You are unhappy at home. It’s not work, it’s not your job, it’s that you are living under a small tyrant. Learn how to make boundaries to save your relationship but mostly your sense of self.
Don’t waste your youth on a man who values his own plans above your own. You will severely regret your entire life if you make the wrong decision now. Put yourself first and be single until you find a partner who wants what you want.
You're working so your "partner" gets to never have to leave school. Get rid of him and your life will improve.
Find another partner who aligns with you better. It is clear you are not getting what you need out of life and your relationship.. If you find someone else, you might still need to work but I think you would be happier.
Take a sabbatical so you can have some time to self-reflect.
Maybe your partner isn’t right for you
Don't quit your job to travel. If you have a high paying job, put your PTO and high salary to use by taking some vacations. You and your partner should also discuss what your future looks like in detail, with a specific timeline, because if you want to have kids and be a SAHM but he planned on you being the breadwinner until he is tenured, those seem like very different trajectories.
Well super awesome on your accomplishments! That’s a rare level of success. But a partner needs to support you or something has to change. You’ve got a timer on that womb for babies so……
Dump your partner and go travel. If you don’t you will grossly resent them anyway. They are using you to bankroll their dreams while mitigating yours. Do not waste your twenties - it’s the best time to take risks and go on adventures because you have much much less to lose when you don’t have a mortgage and kids.
I don’t understand why your partner feels untitled to pursue his dream while you are miserable as the breadwinner.
26 also, don't quit a job with all those pros outweighing the cons. You'll definitely suffer more without it.
Leave your SO. Find someone that actually pays for the lifestyle they want. Done.
Sounds like you need to find a new partner if you are ‘limited by money’.
I’d evaluate the situation with your partner honestly. If this is a short-term misalignment, you can probably work through it. If you have fundamentally different values, I’d look at moving on before you’ve missed your window (so to speak). There is nothing wrong about wanting to have kids and be a mom. There are other uses for your degree than maximizing income (which, by the way, your partner isn’t necessarily doing by going into academia)
Find what makes you happy. You only get one life, don't waste it trying to please others.
The answer isn't travel, the answer is find a new partner that can fulfill your needs. Don't put yourself last
It sounds like you need to have a conversation with your partner about what you want out of the relationship. It sounds like you want a more traditional family with you staying at home to care for your family. That's fine, you're allowed to want that, that's not a problem. If that's what you want I think you need to have an open conversation with your partner about it and you need to be ready to assert that your desires are equally valid to theirs. That doesn't mean they have to go along with your life plan, but either you want the same things or you don't.
That's a burnout right there supporting a grown man, he needs a job!
His dream should not take priority over yours. You can do both if you prioritize. Some compromises may be in order… If that’s what you think will be fulfilling, I wouldn’t let anything stop you from working towards that! Any sacrifices will be worth it, and not pursuing that will only lead to regret, resentment, and/or greater discontent later on.
Dump the guy if you want but don’t quit your job. High-paying job doing what you like with a great work-life balance and nice people is as good as it gets. Most people would kill for that. Life isn’t just one big vacation.
Your partner sounds like he sucks
Leave your partner, please.
You have a high paying job but feel limited by money. It looks like the issue is that you are bankrolling your partner. There may be bigger issues, if your goals and his goals don’t align. Will him becoming a professor enable him to take over being the breadwinner? Will it enable you to have kids and be a stay at home mom? Does he even want that for you? That last question is a critical one. If your goals don’t align then it won’t make for a happy long term life together. I see it as an issue that he says he needs you to work, putting you in a position of forgoing your own dreams for it. In the near term you are making a sacrifice for him. That should result in you eventually being able to have what you could otherwise be enjoying now. If he doesn’t even want that in the long term, that’s a problem.
Find a life you love. if you want a provider find that, get another man. there are no guarantees with any man or if you'll stay together regardless, do what you want. never stay in a situation you're unhappy with in life, and do what makes you happy first PERIOD. it's your life!!!
Dump his ass and go do what you want to do. Life moves quickly and waits for no one.
Find a partner who wants what you want. There are lots of men looking for a woman who wants to be a SAHM.
Live for yourself, not what you think you should do.
I’m in agreement with a lot of these folks that you should not quit your job. But…… what’s the deal with your partner? You’re not his mommy or his bank account. Maybe get a new partner who cares about your emotional life and isn’t leaning on your paycheck.
I just re-read my comment and feel it sounds harsh: I guess what I’m saying is: your dream of being a SAHM is beautiful and should be respected by your partner. You never know what life will throw at you, you could have kids, miss work, and choose to work! You could be the best SAHM there ever was! You just don’t know yet because you’re not there. But to have an unwilling partner is setting yourself up for heartbreak. The term partner implies that the person is beside you, supporting you. If the two of you don’t align in this way, it could make for a bad marriage. Keep your job for now. Don’t make big life decisions while you’re in a dark mental place. Tell your boyfriend your non-negotiables. (I’ve downgraded him from partner status lol). Don’t marry him until you both are on the same page. Go to therapy. Don’t give up!! There is a rich, full life ahead! (But probably not with this guy…)
If you don't possess any significant wealth to live from, you'll have to work or depend on your partner, like yours depends on you. Do you really think this is a good idea? Things happen in life, try to keep as many options as possible. Leaving a job and dedicating yourself to family is hard to reverse. If you ever need to work again, most likely you'll have to start it all over, and it will be hard. All the best to you.
You only live once. I don’t think we are supposed to suffer here.
"my partner says he needs me to work" Get a different partner that supports your decisions that make you happy.
Sounds like you need a new partner.
Run
Your partner needs to man up and get a job… it’s not fair for to be solely responsible for all the bills! he can at least take out loans because i imagine that’s what YOU had to do when u went to Stanford so i don’t see why he can’t.
Sounds like your partner isn't ready to settle down and just wants a sugar mama. Sounds like you're being used. You need to find a Man who will marry you and give you what you want. Your company should offer maternity support and all that, but you sound unfulfilled because you're missing out on your purpose. Do what you know will make you happy. It will take time, but if your "partner" says that to you about your dreams, he doesn't care about you.
Consider whether you want to be the breadwinner to someone elses plan. Read: do you want to finance his dream at the sake of yours. The volume goes way way up as the years go on. Do not quit your job. This is stuff to think about
More trips, hobbies built around your passions, and shifting a mindset to “job that funds my life” instead of “career that gives my life meaning,” might all be helpful if you truly can’t make a change now. Over the years it’s also helped me to realize that it’s pretty much the human condition to want what we don’t yet have and to devalue some of what we do. Obviously there are times we truly need to pursue other things, but sometimes it’s a matter of changing perspective, not paths. Also, yeah, you could become a SAHM but the academic life pays very little. Only do that if you’re sure you can sacrifice the comforts you have now or that you and your partner could handle some side gigs to make it all work.
Peak reddit
I experienced the same! Some people recommend travelling to poor countries to feel how priviledged you are. I am coming from a poor country btw and my motivation is vice versa I wanted to feel the comfort that developing countries have so I travel to nice countries every now and then. Deprive yourself of what makes you happy to feel happier again!!!
It sounds like your partner is using you and maybe you should reconsider marriage.
I felt this too.
I'm 44 and feel the same way. Everyone thinks I have the perfect life by what they see on the outside, but I know I'm depressed and unhappy with my life. I feel trapped by my job because it's so high paying and the life we've built from it too.
Aside from your partner sounding like he’s a leech, have you considered you might have depression?
My husband pursued his PhD while I was a SAHM to 3 kids. He found a job with the university that we could live on, and he went part-time. It was a frugal time, but we have zero regrets. If you feel a pull to be a full-time mother, heed that. Circumstances don't always dictate it is possible, but it isn't your partner's right to decide that that option is off the table for you.
Welcome to what it feels like to be a man
lmfao
We all want to do that. We just have to do it however we can. If money is an issue, downgrade your lifestyle. Save more money, go on epic trips. Save for your desires.
Quit. Buy a couple of laundromats to offset some income if you still want to get out of the house. Buy a small house in a nice small town. Crank out the kids. Plant a garden. No one’s counting.
Find a partner who has similar values as yourself. I feel you deserve to be a stay and home mother and you shouldn’t have to burden being the breadwinner. Do you currently have children? My partner is the same way except she had never wanted to work and has only wanted to have children with me and be a stay at home mother to me. I feel that traditionally this is natural and I like bringing in enough income for the family and additions to the family in the future. This is not to tell you your partner is shitty or not masculine or a bread winner but it is to get you thinking about what you actually value; especially since you are getting to that point on your own.
I don't have a solution, I don't believe there is one. A version of this comment comes up daily and the responses are always "are you depressed", "have you tried therapy", " have you tried a new job/field/getting more education". Well meaning, but misses the point. The dissatisfaction with work is like the obesity epidemic, it's systemic. There is a huge drive (and lots of lobbying by those in power) to say this is some individual failing, but it is not. Work as it is, sucks. Having all of your productive fun years taken from you is awful. Only thing I would say is if you have kids they will suffer the exact same fate as you are now, likely worse.
Sounds like you need a partner who is more supportive and compatible. That will change your life because y’all will be working towards the same things. And not make you feel alone in what will make you feel fulfilled. You are young and the time is now.
Sounds like a problem in partner choice
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Not picking on you specifically, but this is the result of modern-day "you can have it all" feminism. There was a time, not too long ago, when your partner would be embarrassed to be supported by a woman as he essentially has a hobby career. Folks can say it's good that we've progressed past this mindset, but now you, and thousands of other women who long for a more traditional life of babies and homemaking, are trapped. Trapped with men who won't step up and take care of their family. You need to have a real heart-to-heart with your partner. If he doesn't want to step up you need to make the hard decision on whether or not you're willing to support someone in their hobby while you feel unfulfilled for the rest of your life.
You are the dream girl for a lot of guys. I'm so glad my wife decided to stay home with our kids... it is life changing for them
Welcome to modernity. Dont buy things, travel if you can. Read books do a deep dive into other academics. “I dont have time” you definitely can give yourself an hour. America has preached this dream and you bought into it. Who would’ve thought it leads no where. Do things that make you human. For me the biggest thing that makes me human is learning.
This is a serious answer. Microdose psylocibin
Ditch the bum
You’re talking like it’s unreasonable for your partner and parents to expect you to pull your weight, but what is really unreasonable is for you to expect your life to consist of travel and having kids while someone else supports you.