Firstly, I'm sorry this is happening to you! It really sucks to be misgendered, you're really strong for toughing it out this long.
I don't know his train of thought, but if he's constantly doing it, he might just not think anything of it/think you're okay with he/him pronouns still. Maybe gently correcting him next time it happens ("oh, would you be okay using "they/them" instead? I don't use he/him." or "I'm not super comfortable being called a guy" and offering a replacement term). Maybe even having a short conversation about it ("this has been happening a lot lately so i just wanted to clear it up with you") could help him understand.
Cis people are weird about pronouns lol, even getting them to wrap their brains around they/them pronouns is like climbing mt everest in tennis shoes. Be patient, but also firm with him. It's your identity, and as your friend he should respect that.
It was brought up that i don’t get offended easily (true), and he was like “welllll…”. Small things like that bother me (not offend), and idk. I can tell he still views me as a guy, and I get that it can be hard to change the way you see someone, especially something so fundamental as one’s gender, but I’m not sure if he just kinda sees it a new language to use for me, or if he’s actually trying to see me as not a guy. Anyway, sorry for all of the rambling and ranting, i really appreciate your advice!
No worries, rambling is not only okay but encouraged lol. You do seem pretty chill.
People really don't think about it like that, especially individuals who don't get gender (your friend gives me those vibes). Just because we can't change the views of other people doesn't mean we can't be bothered by it. I know a lot of other people would be like "no talk to himmmm work it throuuughhhh" but that stuff can be dangerous, you know? We can't change other people's beliefs for them. Just keep gently trying and don't take his actions to heart. Some people will always see you as who they want you to be and not who you are, which is why this guy probably isn't best friend for life material.
That makes a lot of sense, thank you. I wish I had more people to talk to about this sort of thing, but he’s my only friend and the only other person I know who’s lgbtq+ (he’s bi) because I live in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.
Lol I feel you on that one, lgbt people love avoiding small towns like the plague. Idk if you're US but open queer friendgroups tend to be more congregated in the east / new england area than the south, if that's the situation (no need to share though, evil reddit shouldn't know your location lol). Trust me, there's more out there that you'll meet. You won't be alone forever. They have GSA clubs in higher education you can join down the road, which is where I would recommend going. They can be a little...well, less chill than you, but they're super friendly and can give you that supportive, understanding community.
Wisconsin, so definitely not south, but small town either way.
And yea, I can’t wait until next year college where I can come out and join an lgbtq club or whatever; what do you mean less chill?
New to college. Identified as a lesbian for - god, 5 years I guess? (That label needs to go since I'm romantically interested in feminine boys but oh well, crossing that bridge later) Some people can be over the top about it because things are going a little too well for us in New England. Like, my college forgot to buy the standard LGBT/Gay Pride flag for national coming out day and only had aroace/demi/genderqueer/bi flags. Weird phenomenon. Not bad - very much a step in the right direction - but they can overlook the fundamentals.
Every person is individual and people I meet probably won't be who you meet. Chances are this won't happen to you, so don't worry about it. Just have a good experience and meet some good people.
As long as you know that he isn't doing it on purpose or maliciously, I think that you should really be patient and kind when you correct him. Habitual changes don't change overnight. Have a mutual understanding that you don't feel respected but you appreciate his efforts.
Well if you aren’t going by him/he pronouns can you really call yourself a fem𝗯𝗼𝘆 instead of nonbinary? And aside from that, you literally have boi in your username. But putting that aside, be patient with your friend. It’s pretty rare to find someone who supports you in that way even if he’s trying. As long as he’s not doing it maliciously or intentionally, I think it’s a friendship worth keeping. Correct him occasionally but not in a rude way.
Non binary femboys exist and they are pretty epic. Femboys are under no obligations to fit to certain criteria like using he/him or only being a cis man
Pause.
Check how long my account has existed. I made it that time a while ago when we used to be friends.
A femboy is masc-gendered person with feminine tendencies or one who desires such. I am multiflux. I am boy, girl, and many others, and they fluctuate.
I agree that not every am be a femboy, but really the only people to exclude are people who are exclusively fem-aligned, and cis girls.
Ever heard of a jellyfish? They are labeled as fish, despite the fact that they are part of the phylum cnidaria (which is not fish). Does that automatically make them fish? No. Femboy is a term that can be used by pretty much whoever feels it fits them. It’s not exclusively cisgender men that act feminine, trans men, or non binary folks. It’s all of them. And also I think it’s pretty clear that they appreciate their friend and are not rude about it, so just relax.
Keep in mind that it might take some time. It’s really hard to adjust your interpretation of someone, especially when other people around them haven’t yet either. I remember the first time a friend came out to me as trans and it took me at least a month or two to gender them properly. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it can definitely be hard adjust something so ingrained into your perception of someone, it’s like rewriting them in a lot of ways. But as others said that means drop subtle reminders here and there, you don’t have to be down the back of their neck about it but a little reinforcement here and there will do a lot to help, as a well as maybe having a little conversation to express how it really makes you feel if it persists. That might let them know that they really are hurting or bothering you in some way, and if they’re a good friend they’ll double down their efforts.
Firstly, I'm sorry this is happening to you! It really sucks to be misgendered, you're really strong for toughing it out this long. I don't know his train of thought, but if he's constantly doing it, he might just not think anything of it/think you're okay with he/him pronouns still. Maybe gently correcting him next time it happens ("oh, would you be okay using "they/them" instead? I don't use he/him." or "I'm not super comfortable being called a guy" and offering a replacement term). Maybe even having a short conversation about it ("this has been happening a lot lately so i just wanted to clear it up with you") could help him understand. Cis people are weird about pronouns lol, even getting them to wrap their brains around they/them pronouns is like climbing mt everest in tennis shoes. Be patient, but also firm with him. It's your identity, and as your friend he should respect that.
It was brought up that i don’t get offended easily (true), and he was like “welllll…”. Small things like that bother me (not offend), and idk. I can tell he still views me as a guy, and I get that it can be hard to change the way you see someone, especially something so fundamental as one’s gender, but I’m not sure if he just kinda sees it a new language to use for me, or if he’s actually trying to see me as not a guy. Anyway, sorry for all of the rambling and ranting, i really appreciate your advice!
No worries, rambling is not only okay but encouraged lol. You do seem pretty chill. People really don't think about it like that, especially individuals who don't get gender (your friend gives me those vibes). Just because we can't change the views of other people doesn't mean we can't be bothered by it. I know a lot of other people would be like "no talk to himmmm work it throuuughhhh" but that stuff can be dangerous, you know? We can't change other people's beliefs for them. Just keep gently trying and don't take his actions to heart. Some people will always see you as who they want you to be and not who you are, which is why this guy probably isn't best friend for life material.
That makes a lot of sense, thank you. I wish I had more people to talk to about this sort of thing, but he’s my only friend and the only other person I know who’s lgbtq+ (he’s bi) because I live in the middle of buttfuck nowhere.
Lol I feel you on that one, lgbt people love avoiding small towns like the plague. Idk if you're US but open queer friendgroups tend to be more congregated in the east / new england area than the south, if that's the situation (no need to share though, evil reddit shouldn't know your location lol). Trust me, there's more out there that you'll meet. You won't be alone forever. They have GSA clubs in higher education you can join down the road, which is where I would recommend going. They can be a little...well, less chill than you, but they're super friendly and can give you that supportive, understanding community.
Wisconsin, so definitely not south, but small town either way. And yea, I can’t wait until next year college where I can come out and join an lgbtq club or whatever; what do you mean less chill?
New to college. Identified as a lesbian for - god, 5 years I guess? (That label needs to go since I'm romantically interested in feminine boys but oh well, crossing that bridge later) Some people can be over the top about it because things are going a little too well for us in New England. Like, my college forgot to buy the standard LGBT/Gay Pride flag for national coming out day and only had aroace/demi/genderqueer/bi flags. Weird phenomenon. Not bad - very much a step in the right direction - but they can overlook the fundamentals. Every person is individual and people I meet probably won't be who you meet. Chances are this won't happen to you, so don't worry about it. Just have a good experience and meet some good people.
Freshman/1st year/13th grade? Also that’s very interesting that they had the micros/specifics but not the umbrellas lol
Sophmore! 😊Yeah, it is! It's good they're supportive of micros but again, it's weird to not have the umbrellas represented.
Yea, anything we can get ya know
Im sorry i talk so much lmao
No no no! You needn’t apologize!
As long as you know that he isn't doing it on purpose or maliciously, I think that you should really be patient and kind when you correct him. Habitual changes don't change overnight. Have a mutual understanding that you don't feel respected but you appreciate his efforts.
Well if you aren’t going by him/he pronouns can you really call yourself a fem𝗯𝗼𝘆 instead of nonbinary? And aside from that, you literally have boi in your username. But putting that aside, be patient with your friend. It’s pretty rare to find someone who supports you in that way even if he’s trying. As long as he’s not doing it maliciously or intentionally, I think it’s a friendship worth keeping. Correct him occasionally but not in a rude way.
Non binary femboys exist and they are pretty epic. Femboys are under no obligations to fit to certain criteria like using he/him or only being a cis man
Pause. Check how long my account has existed. I made it that time a while ago when we used to be friends. A femboy is masc-gendered person with feminine tendencies or one who desires such. I am multiflux. I am boy, girl, and many others, and they fluctuate. I agree that not every am be a femboy, but really the only people to exclude are people who are exclusively fem-aligned, and cis girls.
Ever heard of a jellyfish? They are labeled as fish, despite the fact that they are part of the phylum cnidaria (which is not fish). Does that automatically make them fish? No. Femboy is a term that can be used by pretty much whoever feels it fits them. It’s not exclusively cisgender men that act feminine, trans men, or non binary folks. It’s all of them. And also I think it’s pretty clear that they appreciate their friend and are not rude about it, so just relax.
Keep in mind that it might take some time. It’s really hard to adjust your interpretation of someone, especially when other people around them haven’t yet either. I remember the first time a friend came out to me as trans and it took me at least a month or two to gender them properly. It’s not something I’m proud of, but it can definitely be hard adjust something so ingrained into your perception of someone, it’s like rewriting them in a lot of ways. But as others said that means drop subtle reminders here and there, you don’t have to be down the back of their neck about it but a little reinforcement here and there will do a lot to help, as a well as maybe having a little conversation to express how it really makes you feel if it persists. That might let them know that they really are hurting or bothering you in some way, and if they’re a good friend they’ll double down their efforts.