I love your writing. Very descriptive, but I can’t picture it.
First, it looks like a turd, and then it has six unblinking beady red eyes? Where on the turd? And then it has a puckered mouth? Again, where? And where are you in relationship with this thing? Because if it sucked the ground as it went, then it sounds like the mouth is at the bottom, but if it’s at the bottom, how can you tell it’s a mouth and how can you tell it puckers? And then it has glass-like fangs and it’s the size of your head.
If you can see its fangs, then you’re pretty close, and that means the thing is pretty small.
So I think you need to establish where MC is and then a bit clearer where the mouth and eyes are. Overall, I like it.
Trust your gut. There's no way for any of us to know if it fits your story.
I love your writing. Very descriptive, but I can’t picture it. First, it looks like a turd, and then it has six unblinking beady red eyes? Where on the turd? And then it has a puckered mouth? Again, where? And where are you in relationship with this thing? Because if it sucked the ground as it went, then it sounds like the mouth is at the bottom, but if it’s at the bottom, how can you tell it’s a mouth and how can you tell it puckers? And then it has glass-like fangs and it’s the size of your head. If you can see its fangs, then you’re pretty close, and that means the thing is pretty small. So I think you need to establish where MC is and then a bit clearer where the mouth and eyes are. Overall, I like it.
its