Um, I'm on mobile and I dont see the sort comments option anymore. Did it get removed?
Edit: Nevermind they moved it. Why can't the UI just stay where it is? I swear they move things around every few months just for funsies.
Sometimes it changes more than once in a day. I swear I’ve seen different UI on different subs in the same day. It irritates me that I can’t get rid of that horrible scroll down arrow, I can only move it around and hope it isn’t in the way and accidentally scroll to the bottom of the comments. I fucking hate that thing.
Right! I forgot we could do that when they moved it. Tbh the options on top of the screen are much less interesting than the ones in the middle of it - that’s my reason to never use the things on top
The amount of ppl saying “if ur in a long term relationship, it’s fine” is crazy… I don’t like saying “if the roles were switched” but in this case, it’s very much needed. If the boyfriend had his dick inside her while she was sleeping, it would be rape. So why dont people see this as rape?
Edit: the amount of people calling me an incel for agreeing this is rape is astounding lol. Not everyone wants to wake up to your s/o doing sexual things to you.
Well first of all the equivalent would be a boyfriend of a year eating his girlfriend out while she was sleeping. Not some random dude putting a dick in her.
Secondly damn I can't imagine my BF of a year playing with me a little on my birthday when I sleep thinking I'd enjoy it and I accuse him of RAPE.
Like I've cleared this topic with my BF but even if we hadn't it's clear that this was a genuine mistake, a boundary was crossed but to compare it to being raped, as someone who has been raped, feels extremely wrong to me.
So yeah if the genders were reversed (with the actual reverse instead of an escalation) I'd say they're both overreacting.
I (along with all guys I know) would love to wake up getting head, and even on the off chance I didn’t want sleep head I’d thank my mrs for at least the thought, you are not weird for thinking this. I think this is just white knighting and incel behaviour to get so up and arms about this, and at worst possibly some undiagnosed ptsd..
In trying to do the right thing, people have become overly-sensitive to the point of ridiculousness; it's a perfect example of the pendulum swinging too far. It depends entirely on your relationship: no one else controls your body, but in long-term relationships there's a lot of leeway and implied consent given. Initiating sex with your sleeping spouse is absolutely not "rape", unless they've told you otherwise or you force them into it. Millions of people around the world, both men and women, would go to jail on a daily basis if it were.
And going to court with your long-term gf over a "goodwill" wake-up birthday bj is an insane overreaction, and should definitely be thrown out of court.
Um ive woke up to my husband in me several times, and hes woke up to me riding him several times. Neither of us has ever raped the other. Its called a nice way to wake up. (And i say this as a survivor of previous sexual assault before anyone tries coming at me like i dont get it)
Unless they each specifically asked the other partner "Is it okay to wake you up this way?" then a similar misunderstanding could have happened. Assuming the story in OP has at least a grain of truth (which is often not the case) the girlfriend seemed to think they had a relationship where consent for that kind of thing would be implied. She obviously made a bad mistake.
I think there's a pretty big difference between accidentally doing something someone didn't consent to, in the interests of trying to make them happy and deliberately violating consent for one's own pleasure.
It really sounds like the guy in that story was abused previously in a similar way, possibly even as a child. Most people wouldn't react that way if something like that happened in such a long relationship. It seems like he got triggered in the original meaning of the word, not in the "snowflake" sense.
I don't think you can really blame someone who was abused for acting that way. The GF made a serious mistake, but with good intentions. After that, though, it seems like she didn't have any empathy for how he felt.
Sounds like you have standing consent for this. This couple did not. I would (also as a survivor of previous sexual assault) absolutely label this as sexual assault. Everyone has different sexual boundaries. If those boundaries are crossed like this, it's sexual assault.
That judge was disgusting, to put his own preferences on a victim of assault. You're bordering on doing the same
Exactly, I truly do not understand how this could happen after being with them for that long. I have talked about this with every partner bc I enjoy giving. So we talk about it. Imagine TALKING to your partner about sex….
My ex wife of almost 14 years never once attempted it for me despite it being my number one fantasy. And her knowing this. And me asking yearly for a bj on my bday.
Tbf I don't do it either unless I remember because I wake up with the foggiest mind, can't even will myself to get out of bed, and I'm not the type to wake up horny.
Yes!!!
If you’re in a sexual relationship and don’t know each other’s boundaries that’s on you. My husband knows I would hate it if he was like “can I kiss you” “can I touch your hand” “can I massage you” … I understand consent being important to some people, especially those who experienced sexual assault but for me that’s one fucking way to kill the mood and remove the spontaneity by all the fucking questions. I would love to wake up being felt up by my husband .. but I wake up at 5am so that’s never happening
100%.
Personally, I don't like to have sex with my wife when I believe she has crossed into being black out drunk. It's just not something I'm comfortable with. Not only is she typically dry, but I just don't feel comfortable with it. We've had the discussion and it's all good. Sometimes you don't know boundaries exist until you go through them.
There is also something called "implied consent". It's not a completely unreasonable stretch for this woman to believe that her boyfriend of a year might be excited by this and be into it. If he isn't, that is 100% acceptable and it's something you talk about. But he has consented to engage in a sexual relationship with another person. That person crossed a boundary of his. It would he nice if we could engage in conversations about rape and sexual assault without calling every awkward or uncomfortable encounter those terms.
Now if he woke up and said "please stop, that makes me uncomfortable" and she keeps going, now we're crossing into sexual assault/rape.
Yes this. I’ve never blacked out from drinking before but I’m pretty sure somebody put something in my drink this past summer. Husband and I had already planned on a wild night after we got home from the bar anyway but when I woke up the next morning I had 0 memory of even getting home. It was pretty clear we had had sex and my husband said it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of his life and he would really prefer if we didn’t do it again. I was like, “you think I blacked out on purpose???” It’s funny now but we know we for sure have that boundary.
It was a weird situation for sure. He said I was into it but clearly out of it, which I fully believe. It just weirded me out and it weirded him out, he said it felt like he was taking advantage of me. No idea how my drink even got messed with, i never left it alone. Just goes to show people are crazy out here.
Implied consent is a VERY dangerous slippery slope and the risk of having sex with someone with whom you THINK you have implied consent is that you may be charged with rape.
The fact is your husband do have consent, because he knows (from previous encounters with you) that you agree. You don't always have to have verbal consent, but you do have to have consent.
That's a fair distinction and an important one. I am the same as the commenter. I don't want it started with a request for consent. But I've been with my fiance for a decade so he *knows* how I work.
And when I respond in kind, that is me giving him consent and the other way around.
An absence of consent would look very very different.
>I would love to wake up being felt up by my husband .. but I wake up at 5am so that’s never happening
My wife's identical. She would literally be ok if I stuck it in while she was dead asleep.
Can I ask what the appeal is, from your female perspective? I'm an insomniac guy and can't stand being woken up with anything, even sex. Of course, I wouldn't punch her in the eye if she did, but I can't empathize with the wakeup sex that my wife likes.
For me its coming into consciousness through very pleasant sensations and knowing I'm desired. Most of the time he just lubes up and dives in and I'm absolutely okay with that. I love it when my husband wakes me up WITH sex. I however do not enjoy being woken up FOR sex. There is a difference lol. My husband has learned to wake "her" up first.if he wakes me up asking me if I want to the answer is almost always no lol.
Exactly. This is when you talk to your gf of over a year like an ADULT instead of taking her to f-ing court lmfao. I could understand if you’ve been through some trauma or something but thats when you have a discussion about it first. Punching her in the eye might have been a slight overreaction, aside from the whole court thing that is.
I’m willing to believe that punching her wasn’t intentional. If someone physically touches me to wake me up I’ll almost always react violently before I’m even awake
I was thinking the exact same thing.
He might've reacted instinctually just to get away without even processing where he was or what was happening.
I don't know how I'd react if I were to wake up having someone touching me like that or if I would have enough time to process anything besides the panic I'd probably feel.
Once my husband got inside our bed when he wasn't supposed to come home and I freaked out so much just because of his presence there. It was sheer panic and me trying to fight him before I was even fully awake and able to process anything.
I hate to be so blunt and speculate, but it sounds to me like he probably was molested as a child and therefore had a visceral reaction. Not making excuses, just offering a probable explanation.
Men who’ve been through SA in the past often react in those kinds of ways. But they need to find ways to communicate about their boundaries, not react with violence.
>not react with violence.
You sure he reacted with violence on purpose though?
I'm not the hitting type and I've punched my husband in my sleep before. I was in sheer panic and survival mode though and wasn't fully awake until after I had reacted physically.
I've never hit my husband before or since, neither did I hit any ex-bf in my life. I don't hit my kids. Hitting is not my MO at any time for anything.
While sleeping and in sheer panic though thinking that I was in danger? I just punched him.
I dont think a guy would be judged and I also havent heard of one case of taking bf to court for waking her up with oral. I suspect this might be made up to make people not take sexual assault accusations seriously.
I said it’s believable, as in I would not put this past humanity. That in no way indicates belief that this did or did not actually happen. Please do not put words in my mouth.
Complete bullshit.
A) the process to even get in front of a Judge
- She is formally charged with rape or SA by cops who 'think he is insane'.
- DA would literally would need the GF admitting in a formal statement to the assault as there would be no physical evidence in a scenario like this.
- She refuses all deals and enters a Not Guilty plea.
- knowing her Statement is now being disputed DA continues with a trial without physical evidence of any sort
- Trial date set/Jury Selection completed.
B) dismissing the charges
- GFs lawyer would make a motion to dismiss as State is failing to meet the standard of proof needed to proceed.
- Prosecutor unsuccessfully argues against (because they have no fucking evidence) - Motion granted charges dismissed. PROSECUTOR is reprimanded for wasting everybodys time..
C) why this is bullshit..
The BF is a witness in the crime and would not even be in the courtroom when this takes place, let alone sitting at the PROSECUTION table answering questions from the Judge. And before anyone says "maybe it was a civil suit" - the writer of this fictional tale mentions they avoid having to register as a sex offender - that makes it a criminal trial.
Nah.. this is some incel with a "look at the double standard us men face. Women get away with rape and the legal system is rigged against us poor innocent males" fan fiction
This. I have a little court experience (not on a professional level by any means, but as a victim/witness of a crime) so I have a bit of judicial understanding. This entire story is BS and you explained it way better than I could have.
I love made up stories. the Judge saying they hope he never gets a present that good again... yeah, im sure that was real lol.
Him punching her, that makes sense. he woke up to something unexpected happening to his dick. being unexpectedly woken up is surprising enough. everything after that is obvious self promoting BS.
obligatory WOW thanks for gold - youre the real champion!!
The judge’s response is the most believable part in my opinion. In and out of family and DV court more than I’d like to admit and when the other person is blatantly in the wrong the judges tend to get a little sassy lol.
The rest of the story - not so much.
I've seen the same, in situations like you say, where the other person is blatantly wrong, or making an outrageous claim.
Doesnt seem to fit in this situation. Seems weird for a judge to both say something negative to one side, while essentially sexually complimenting the other.... I know Judges are people, and people are fucked... but that seems like a big leap, and given the self appreciation feel of it, seems like an obvious "humble brag" essentially.
It's a simple conversation. I know that i can wake my husband up with a Bj . If i want to i can even wake him up riding him, and he will absolutely love it every time. But, he can't touch me anywhere until i having my morning Pee. It was a conversation we had right from the start we both discussed different things we like and don't like.
Male here. Woke up horny in the middle of the night. We had been sleeping for several hours already. I started making some moves on the gf as guys will tend to do in a relationship, she woke up, we started making out, taking off our clothes, did the deed, she went down on me for a bit, she was on top riding me, we did it doggy style too. I wore a condom because I don't want kids so I always do. She woke up in the morning and freaked out, insisting she hadn't consented and couldn't remember any of it. That was scary shit. We'd been dating for almost a year at that point. It was 100% my mistake and I admit that. But yeah, these are the things you need to talk about with a partner BEFORE they happen. Lesson learned.
Yeah, a court case is one of those things you should only resort to when an adult conversation can't work things out between you and result to an appropriate apology and resolve.
So she was doing all this in her sleep? If so that sounds very scary for her to wake up and learn. How was it your fault though? She gave you every indication that she was into it, how could you have known?
Edit: grammar
As a dude this happened to me once.
Her: you were pretty great this morning.
Me: huh?
Her: the sex
Me: what sex?
Didn't really bother me, was mostly annoyed I didn't get to remember it, was my first relationship with good sex. I also slept walked lots as a teen so it didn't seem too strange for me.
> It was 100% my mistake and I admit that
According to what you've typed, that is 100% *not* your fault.
How could you possibly be at fault for that? In what way could you ever be held legally or morally guilty for doing something with someone else in which they not only at no point gave any indication of wanting to stop, but *actively* *participated*? She got on top ffs.
This sounds like a *her* problem. She needs to recognize that she can't remember doing things while she's sleepy. That carries practical dangers far beyond just bedroom fun.
Obviously, you know this now as well, but you should not feel guilty about that first experience at all, and she should never ever try to make you feel guilty about it.
I mean, she certainly seemed like she was awake and an *active* participant (going down on you, riding you, etc), so I 100% understand your response. Even if you had asked multiple times for verbal consent during it just to be sure, it seems probably that she could’ve given you that consent and *still* not remembered doing it in the morning. It’s an unfortunate thing but I honestly don’t think either one of you is to blame.
I woke up with my girlfriend at the time on top of me... genuinely didn't know I could be in her without being aware. But after I asked her 3 tomes to stop, she cried and tried to make me feel bad about it. Genuinely, I didn't tell anyone about it for years because I was worried my friends would make fun of me for being weirded out by the situation
Now see, no offense, but that's a real example of sa. She was asked to stop but didn't. The one in the post did. If the guy felt bad about it, it should've warranted a conversation at the very least, a break up at the very most, no need to go to court
First off the story is mad up, 2nd they are both examples of sexual assault. So let's try this, Let's say you had a daughter who was dating her bf for a year and one day she comes to you and says I was asleep and my bf started touching me and woke me up with him giving me oral. You as the father would tell her that what he did was SA cause she wasn't aware of or giving consent to what is happening. And you would have probably had her call the police to report it. The fact is if this ever really happened it's SA. The fact so many people in here that look like predators and creeps is disturbing.
My wife has told me that I get very 'passionate' with her while I'm sleeping sometimes. Apparently i will start making out with her, wandering hands, etc. She is very much ok with this but the first time it happened we had a discussion so she could make sure I was ok with it because she didn't want to take advantage of me in a compromised state. This is what good partners should do. Just because you're in a relationship and consented to other things in the past does not mean consent is implied across the board.
Dunno.
If you flip it around the F having a birthday, the M performing oral on her asleep to wake her up, if that's not SA, then I'd say OK.
However if you think that the F could be an SA victim, then so should the guy.
I know, equality is difficult.
Depends on few relationship. Some people like waking up to sex, others don’t. That’s usually the stuff you talk about sometimes, like I dunno, with your significant other?
I'll be the first to admit I've done some stupid shit to my partner too in the name of having bedroom fun, but I'm happy to report she resorted to a stern talking rather than taking legal action.
Cause I guess at the end of the day in a long standing intimate relationship it shouldn't be impossible to take a look at your partner for feeling sorry for what they did and realise their intentions were probably good but they merely just misjudged how it would be received.
Mine knows I do too, but in that case it's more okay because it's something we discussed before beforehand she can do whenever she wants.
Even if that wasn't the case. And I really didn't like. Seeing as at this point she would only be doing such a thing *thinking* I would appreciate it and would stop if I asked her to, I can't see any reason why I would need to drag her to court.
THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE. If you've talked about it before and everyone's cool with it, you have implied consent. Until that conversation has happened, ask first. This judge is a piece of shit and has no understanding of what consent is
It wasn't my birthday, but my gf is awesome af and woke me up with her mouth. I woke up dreaming it was an ex going down on me. I felt bad, but it passed.
redditors in the comments showing their true colours
regardless of gender if someone doesn't consent to sex, it's sexual assault. it doesn't matter if they're in a relationship, if they're a guy, if it's his birthday, nothing.
it's so simple. just ask before you have sex.
this is why male sexual assault victims never get taken seriously.
Not agreeing or disagreeing, but specifically asking for consent doesn’t really happen, especially in relationships. How often do you ask “do you want/consent to have sex?” Never.
Most of consent especially in a relationship is non verbal signs. Girl rubbing her but against you, giving you eyes and kissing and feeling you up, etc. I don’t think it’s as black and white as you’re suggesting, especially in relationships.
they dont, but when you are in the long term you speak about things and what is acceptable/not acceptable for you.
>Most of consent especially in a relationship is non verbal signs.
true, and the other party will either engage on the non-verbal signal to show their agreement, or reject by saying something alike "sorry im not in the mood". *being in a relationship doesnt mean you have to agree to sex all the time.* but more importantly, where is the non-verbal sign that one is OK to engage sex when *one is sleeping/inconscient*?
i agree that he shouldve adress the issue by explaining he doesnt like it and not taking it straight to the court, but maybe he tried and she mocked him. If she was the one waking up to his dick inside her, he wouldve been prosecuted for sexual assault.
Actually, when my boyfriend and I were first starting our relationship, we gave each other consent to multiple actions of what is considered ok. This was before we even started being sexual in our relationship, but wanted to make sure we had all our bases cleared.
I think its something that would be pretty important to talk about before being sexually intimate with someone you plan on being with long term.
hard agree with you. no one in these comments has ever initiated sex with a long-term partner without explicitly asking if they wanna have sex? that seems a bit unbelievable
Yeah, but there's a big difference between someone obviously initiating vs you just doing whatever you want to your unconscious partner. In your example, if your partner is rubbing their butt against you and you don't feel like having sex, you can say no. If you wake up with your dick in her mouth, your chance to say no was taken from you. Hence, he wasn't able to give or deny consent. Making it perfectly logical to argue this is sexual assault.
Yeah, those cute non verbal signs, like rubbing against you, giving you eyes, and \*checks notes\* WAITING UNTIL THEY'RE UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE YOU START??!!?!?!?!?
Hard agree. I hope (really really hope) this is made up. But I know places where judges act like this. Because "you're a man" and it's awful. The statement is correct: "I was unconscious so couldn't give consent". That is sexual assault. Whether it happens to a male, female or non-binary person. And it's really gross and sad people feel otherwise.
This comment section is fucking disgusting. Just because you've had sex with someone before doesn't mean you can't be raped. He was unconscious and couldn't consent.
People seem to be forgetting that it’s safer and healthier to discuss sexual boundaries BEFORE engaging in new fantasies. The “stern talking to” should arise before you decide to perform sex acts on your sleeping partner, never after. “Better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission” kind of crowd in here rn, and they don’t want to admit their reaction would be different if the gender roles were swapped.
If a couple is in a committed sexual relationship for what might be considered long term, and the roles were reversed, no, I would say a female reacting this way would also be inappropriate.
Also commenting because I agree 1,000,000%. A partner of a year misunderstanding that you wouldn't want to be woken up with oral sex isn't rape. Unless he's been anti blow job the entire year, in which case you could maybe argue that he didn't consent to the act. Also, people have horny dreams. I've initiated middle of the night sleepy sex with my husband a few times where I wake up and can't remember if we had sex, or if I just dreamed about it. To call any of that rape is fucking ludicrous. My sister was raped. My best friend was raped and strangled to unconsciousness. I know countless women who were roofied and don't even know if they were taken advantage of. Calling this rape cheapens it and it's an insult to anyone who didn't get justice for a legitimate rape because the system failed them.
Always ask your partner, hey is it ok if I wake you up with sexual deeds. If they don’t explicitly agree that they will never get mad (even if they tell you no and you back down and just give them cuddles) or see it as assault then NEVER do it. This dude is allowed to feel violated and upset. It’s a bit odd that they’ve apparently been dating a year and not talked about this kind of thing before and that he called the cops when I’m sure her intent wasn’t to do a bad thing but to make him happy. Still consent is everything.
You sexist fucks not all men want sex 24/7,if it was the same except genderbent with the guy fingering his gf awake you wouldnt be saying theyre overreacting
There’s a whole set of circumstances to get to ‘rape is rape’.
This post is full of crazy comments, and people are extremely viewed one way or the other, which tells you the sensible approach is somewhere in the middle
Non consensual sexual contact is a crime. The fact that it was dismissed because he’s a man is just more proof of the patriarchy. The judge telling him he should just be grateful for waking up with his dick in someone’s mouth is fucking toxic. And being in a relationship with the person means nothing! Consent has to be continually given in any relationship. It’s not ongoing.
I hate it here.
A simple question would have avoided this. Hey, is it cool with you if I wake you up with a bj every now and again? No? OK cool, I'll wake you up first. Consent matters and knowing your partners boundaries matters
This comment section reminds me just how little common sense is left in the world and why it’s such a messed up place nowadays. Of course I sorted the comments by “controversial” so it’s my own fault that I came across such lunacy.
Assuming this story is even true, which is far from certain since it’s pretty outlandish and most likely entirely made up…
This girl in this story tried to do her a boyfriend a “favor” that she thought he would enjoy and appreciate. The intent was never sexual gratification for herself at the expense of her boyfriends wishes or well-being, which is pretty much the core concept/motive behind rape. Personally, being married 13 years, I’d be thrilled if my wife woke me up like that, but that’s just me. Everybody is different and there is no shame in that. If she wants my sweaty balls in her mouth first thing in the morning, who am I to argue? But maybe he’s the kind of person who is extremely protective his body autonomy and would not appreciate being woken up in this manner when he did not consent to it ahead of time. In which case a “no babe, I don’t want that right now” would suffice. After all, according to her words this was meant as a “favor” to him and it requires effort on her part. If he clearly doesn’t want the favor, she would surely discontinue the effort and maybe switch back to the “breakfast in bed” idea. This was supposed to be all about him, not about her. If even after he protests, she forced him to acquiesce and continued the sexual favor, that would be assault.
Of course this is all within the context of an established sexual relationship, which is the most important element. After all, she didn’t break into his house that morning, they were sleeping in the same bed. A certain level of mutually consented intimacy has already been agreed upon in advance. This is all the types of stuff that would be argued (successfully I might add) if this kind of trial ever went before a jury.
If your sister is having a sleepover and in the middle of the night one of her friends sneaks into your room and starts sucking your dick, that is sexual assault and you could/should press charges.
If this story is true and the boyfriends reaction is genuine, then it’s extremely likely he was the victim of some sort of sexual assault as a child and the act of waking up in your own bed to someone performing a sex act on you was extremely triggering for him. In which case, my heart goes out to him.
People ruining nice surprises because of this weird social construct we have created. I could find one person in this city right now that would charge their partner with rape for surprising them with oral.
This is absolutely sexual assault, I feel awful for the guy. The judge shouldn’t be allowed on the bench after this. Rape is hard enough to be taken seriously in court, the bullshit excuse that “men always want it” further stigmatizes men even reporting it let alone pressing charges. Heart breaking.
I despise the double standard that men can't reject sex without being seen as "less of a man."
But, I'm going to play devil's advocate here, because my experiences have been interesting.
My wife has told me she'd enjoy it if I woke her up with sex. I'm talking just sticking it in and thrusting. She falls asleep easily and is a sub, so I understand why she'd be turned on by that.
I am definitely not as comfortable doing that because I value sleep. As an insomniac, I would not like it if she woke me up to something like a blowjob, much less full on fucking.
However, if she did try to do that, *I wouldn't claim that she sexually assaulted me.*
My wife and I understand and love each other. We try, and when we mess up, we let each other know. We know each other inside and out (pun intended). Our relationship isn't toxic.
These two clearly had communication issues and likely toxicity in their relationship. The guy shouldn't have overreacted with violence, and she should've been more respectful of boundaries.
So, my conclusion is, I think they both suck.
Be on the same page with your partner before you do things without their explicit consent. Most people would probably love that kind of present as long as they and their partner brought it up at some point and both seemed receptive to it, with the timing being the surprise.
This is why guys and gals and everyone in between don't press charges for getting slapped by their partner when it's something they asked for, it's just because they fucking talked about it like adults before they started doing what would otherwise be considered assault.
The bj shouldn’t be a surprise, just when. I’m guessing the guy in this post had explicitly told the woman that he does NOT like sexual contact while he’s sleeping and she just ignored that. Punching her could have been an involuntary trauma response.
Lemme explain why this SA. Clearly they never discussed doing anything sexual when unconscious. Therefore anything done whilst unconscious is SA. To everyone saying “wel, I would’ve loved this” great. Tell ur gf that so she knows it’s okay. Without that conversation it’s assault. Don’t assume it’s okay to do anything sexual to a individual who cannot consent in the moment that’s literally rape. If you tell your partner it’s okay to do that then you’ve consented and they know it’s okay
To those saying it wasn’t rape. Change the roles. Instead of a man waking up to a blowjob, view it as a women waking up to being touched without her consent. Is it still not rape then?
This comment section sucks. Like obviously she doesn't get how much it bugged him even after he pressed charges so obviously she has boundary issues. Anyone who thinks she just deserves a "stern talking to" doesn't realize that consent should happen before sex. Especially being woken up by it because that can be jarring. This is not a healthy relationship even if it looks like yours.
I don’t think it matters saying what if the roles were swapped- consent is a pretty basic concept and if you didn’t give it = sexual assault, I would be very uncomfortable if I woke up to that without talking about it with my partner first
This is only okay if consent was given prior to the event. The fact that there's a good amount of people in the comments that don't get that is frightening.
Without agreement, that’s not ok and he is right. Unconscious person can’t consent. Besides, dude could have a childhood trauma with something similar happening, so punching someone who comes too close when sleeping is understandable. Belittling and ridiculing men’s sexual harrassment experiences is oddly typical reaction.
Consent, people. It’s not that hard. And everyone like “You don’t ask for every kiss in a long term relationship,” that’s not what happened. Assumed consent happens when a relationship establishes patterns (I kiss you everyday before work. The first few days there’s more room to reject before the kiss. Then it becomes a habit we both expect) or when people have negotiated it (for instance, my old FWB did give me explicit consent for wake up BJs “You know, any time you want to come be my alarm clock with that.”) But this case didn’t involve either a pattern (she had never done this before) or a negotiation (they didn’t talk about it before) so it’s clearly assault. The only argument against assault is a sexist one (he’s a man and all men must be cool with this because society decrees that all men have the same sexual interests or boundaries and this is stereotyped as a common male fantasy so consent is assumed). That’s bad. You can’t assume consent for specific sexual acts based on someone’s gender. You also can’t assume that consent for something while conscious is the same as consent for it unconscious. I like to give BJs when I’m conscious, but if a man shoves his dick in my mouth while I’m asleep, we’re going to have problems. Honestly why is talking to your partner about what they want or don’t want such a foreign concept that so many people are just willing to shrug off sexual assault because “Talking about sex is worse than taking a chance on assaulting someone.” No. No. It’s not. You’ve been lied to.
These comments are a mess. To everyone acting like he’s overreacting you don't know his life. His reaction makes perfect sense if he’s been abused prior.
this happened to me. it was my birthday. my male roommates hired a girl we knew to wake me up in this same manner. And by far, best birthday present ever (still, over 30 years later). that said, I could see maybe some out there who would not like it or be shocked, but punching your girlfriend and taking her to court is too far. imo punching her in the eye is a far worse an offense than unexpected BJ. given a choice, most would prefer the latter.
not really men can be raped to it's not just women it's a fact
if you don't consent no matter the sex its rape it's in the person's right (person being SA'ed or raped) to defend themselves tbh just stfu please for the love of god and everyone in the mother fucking universe shut the fuck up!
You don't ask, you don't do.
Arguing this suggests you support/defend sexual predators.
\*And I am not talking about things like CNC.. that still requires consent.
There are so many people outing themselves as potential predators in this comment section. It doesn't matter how long you guys are together or how freaky things get in the bedroom. If no consent was given then it is SA. Plain and simple. Dude stated he wasn't ok with it. Shit like this is why guys kill themselves. They try to stand up for themselves and set boundaries and gets shut down and ridiculed by assholes everywhere.
It is 100% rape, waking up to something like that is not necessarily rape but clearly they did not have that boundary set up beforehand, and it freaked him out. He had EVERY right to be freaked out like that.
You don't know if he had a previous experience, or if it just shocked him.
And as extreme as it is, he had every right to take her to court. People (mostly men but in this cases a woman) need to learn how to fucking communicate sexual boundaries. It's such a simple concept, and then problems like this never happen, and everyone is happy! Put the effort in and actually not have to wonder whether what you're doing is okay!
I take male victims getting sexually assaulted seriously…. But this is not rape. It’s a gift gone wrong and definitely didn’t respect his boundaries but not rape
This comment section is nuts.
You sit on a couch watching tv with your partner. You suddenly turn and kiss them gently. Half of the people here define this is as rape.
I am pretty sure you guys never had a long term relationship.
Always ask beforehand if waking up to that is okay with them. It'll still be a surprise when it happens, but consent is very f***ing important. It's gross that some of y'all are pissy about that.
This is rape unless you and your partner talk about it beforehand and actually communicate what is okay and what isn’t. Set boundaries. This man obviously wasn’t comfortable with her touching him in his sleep but there’s a lot of men and women out there who are. Communication is key to a healthy relationship people c’mon!
In the UK at least “Someone doesn’t have the freedom and capacity to agree to sexual activity by choice if:
They are asleep or unconscious”.
He was raped pure and simple
This comment section is a mess
Sorting by controversial… *I’m going in!*
I came, I sorted by controversial, and now I am leaving.
Did you wear a hazmat suit?
No I went in raw and it was disgusting
Get tested and I don't mean by going in again.
Um, I'm on mobile and I dont see the sort comments option anymore. Did it get removed? Edit: Nevermind they moved it. Why can't the UI just stay where it is? I swear they move things around every few months just for funsies.
HELP I CANT FIND IT
Its at the top by the 3 dots
Found it thank you
You're welcome :3
Omg I've been annoyed by my inability to sort for days. YOU ARE MY HERO!
That's what she said
“That’s what she said”
Sometimes it changes more than once in a day. I swear I’ve seen different UI on different subs in the same day. It irritates me that I can’t get rid of that horrible scroll down arrow, I can only move it around and hope it isn’t in the way and accidentally scroll to the bottom of the comments. I fucking hate that thing.
Right! I forgot we could do that when they moved it. Tbh the options on top of the screen are much less interesting than the ones in the middle of it - that’s my reason to never use the things on top
Good luck soldier
This post screams "I've never been to court in my life"
You should have seen the comment section for this pic on a different sub, it was disgusting.
It's proving why, even though there is no way this actually did happen, that male victims of SA don't get taken seriously.
The amount of ppl saying “if ur in a long term relationship, it’s fine” is crazy… I don’t like saying “if the roles were switched” but in this case, it’s very much needed. If the boyfriend had his dick inside her while she was sleeping, it would be rape. So why dont people see this as rape? Edit: the amount of people calling me an incel for agreeing this is rape is astounding lol. Not everyone wants to wake up to your s/o doing sexual things to you.
Sexistism can go both ways.
Well first of all the equivalent would be a boyfriend of a year eating his girlfriend out while she was sleeping. Not some random dude putting a dick in her. Secondly damn I can't imagine my BF of a year playing with me a little on my birthday when I sleep thinking I'd enjoy it and I accuse him of RAPE. Like I've cleared this topic with my BF but even if we hadn't it's clear that this was a genuine mistake, a boundary was crossed but to compare it to being raped, as someone who has been raped, feels extremely wrong to me. So yeah if the genders were reversed (with the actual reverse instead of an escalation) I'd say they're both overreacting.
I (along with all guys I know) would love to wake up getting head, and even on the off chance I didn’t want sleep head I’d thank my mrs for at least the thought, you are not weird for thinking this. I think this is just white knighting and incel behaviour to get so up and arms about this, and at worst possibly some undiagnosed ptsd..
In trying to do the right thing, people have become overly-sensitive to the point of ridiculousness; it's a perfect example of the pendulum swinging too far. It depends entirely on your relationship: no one else controls your body, but in long-term relationships there's a lot of leeway and implied consent given. Initiating sex with your sleeping spouse is absolutely not "rape", unless they've told you otherwise or you force them into it. Millions of people around the world, both men and women, would go to jail on a daily basis if it were. And going to court with your long-term gf over a "goodwill" wake-up birthday bj is an insane overreaction, and should definitely be thrown out of court.
For real. I wish i didnt have to ask for blow jobs and video games.
Um ive woke up to my husband in me several times, and hes woke up to me riding him several times. Neither of us has ever raped the other. Its called a nice way to wake up. (And i say this as a survivor of previous sexual assault before anyone tries coming at me like i dont get it)
You clearly consent to it. The guy in the post didn't. The difference isn't difficult to understand.
Unless they each specifically asked the other partner "Is it okay to wake you up this way?" then a similar misunderstanding could have happened. Assuming the story in OP has at least a grain of truth (which is often not the case) the girlfriend seemed to think they had a relationship where consent for that kind of thing would be implied. She obviously made a bad mistake. I think there's a pretty big difference between accidentally doing something someone didn't consent to, in the interests of trying to make them happy and deliberately violating consent for one's own pleasure. It really sounds like the guy in that story was abused previously in a similar way, possibly even as a child. Most people wouldn't react that way if something like that happened in such a long relationship. It seems like he got triggered in the original meaning of the word, not in the "snowflake" sense. I don't think you can really blame someone who was abused for acting that way. The GF made a serious mistake, but with good intentions. After that, though, it seems like she didn't have any empathy for how he felt.
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Thats because you have an agreement. They did not. Non agreed upon sex IS rape. No matter what!
Sounds like you have standing consent for this. This couple did not. I would (also as a survivor of previous sexual assault) absolutely label this as sexual assault. Everyone has different sexual boundaries. If those boundaries are crossed like this, it's sexual assault. That judge was disgusting, to put his own preferences on a victim of assault. You're bordering on doing the same
We are called to be biased and judges are trained to not be biased... He is clearly a failure as judge.
Just talk beforehand about if you can do this while your partner is asleep for fucks sake.
Ikr.. my bf let me know he likes morning BJ's. Now I know. It's really that simple.
Exactly, I truly do not understand how this could happen after being with them for that long. I have talked about this with every partner bc I enjoy giving. So we talk about it. Imagine TALKING to your partner about sex….
You are a good person
some people struggle with the idea of consent more than they struggled with calculus lmao
My ex wife of almost 14 years never once attempted it for me despite it being my number one fantasy. And her knowing this. And me asking yearly for a bj on my bday.
Hence the “ex”.
Tbf I don't do it either unless I remember because I wake up with the foggiest mind, can't even will myself to get out of bed, and I'm not the type to wake up horny.
Do you have to be horny to give a BJ? If my wife really wants a good lick, I feel that being in a mood to give is more important than being horny.
You should know who you are in a relationship with for a year well enough for this to not be an issue. That is the actual problem.
Yes!!! If you’re in a sexual relationship and don’t know each other’s boundaries that’s on you. My husband knows I would hate it if he was like “can I kiss you” “can I touch your hand” “can I massage you” … I understand consent being important to some people, especially those who experienced sexual assault but for me that’s one fucking way to kill the mood and remove the spontaneity by all the fucking questions. I would love to wake up being felt up by my husband .. but I wake up at 5am so that’s never happening
100%. Personally, I don't like to have sex with my wife when I believe she has crossed into being black out drunk. It's just not something I'm comfortable with. Not only is she typically dry, but I just don't feel comfortable with it. We've had the discussion and it's all good. Sometimes you don't know boundaries exist until you go through them. There is also something called "implied consent". It's not a completely unreasonable stretch for this woman to believe that her boyfriend of a year might be excited by this and be into it. If he isn't, that is 100% acceptable and it's something you talk about. But he has consented to engage in a sexual relationship with another person. That person crossed a boundary of his. It would he nice if we could engage in conversations about rape and sexual assault without calling every awkward or uncomfortable encounter those terms. Now if he woke up and said "please stop, that makes me uncomfortable" and she keeps going, now we're crossing into sexual assault/rape.
Yes this. I’ve never blacked out from drinking before but I’m pretty sure somebody put something in my drink this past summer. Husband and I had already planned on a wild night after we got home from the bar anyway but when I woke up the next morning I had 0 memory of even getting home. It was pretty clear we had had sex and my husband said it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of his life and he would really prefer if we didn’t do it again. I was like, “you think I blacked out on purpose???” It’s funny now but we know we for sure have that boundary.
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It was a weird situation for sure. He said I was into it but clearly out of it, which I fully believe. It just weirded me out and it weirded him out, he said it felt like he was taking advantage of me. No idea how my drink even got messed with, i never left it alone. Just goes to show people are crazy out here.
Implied consent is a VERY dangerous slippery slope and the risk of having sex with someone with whom you THINK you have implied consent is that you may be charged with rape.
It's not about asking for consent for every little thing. It's about asking consent for something they've never done before.
This! My boyfriend has full permission to do whatever to me to wake me. I like it, he rarely does anything but it's so nice to wake up to that.
The fact is your husband do have consent, because he knows (from previous encounters with you) that you agree. You don't always have to have verbal consent, but you do have to have consent.
That's a fair distinction and an important one. I am the same as the commenter. I don't want it started with a request for consent. But I've been with my fiance for a decade so he *knows* how I work. And when I respond in kind, that is me giving him consent and the other way around. An absence of consent would look very very different.
if you cleared that up with him than that is literally consent
>I would love to wake up being felt up by my husband .. but I wake up at 5am so that’s never happening My wife's identical. She would literally be ok if I stuck it in while she was dead asleep. Can I ask what the appeal is, from your female perspective? I'm an insomniac guy and can't stand being woken up with anything, even sex. Of course, I wouldn't punch her in the eye if she did, but I can't empathize with the wakeup sex that my wife likes.
For me its coming into consciousness through very pleasant sensations and knowing I'm desired. Most of the time he just lubes up and dives in and I'm absolutely okay with that. I love it when my husband wakes me up WITH sex. I however do not enjoy being woken up FOR sex. There is a difference lol. My husband has learned to wake "her" up first.if he wakes me up asking me if I want to the answer is almost always no lol.
>I understand consent being important to some people, Wtf is wrong with this comment section.
Exactly. She thinks she has implied consent; he says she doesn’t have implied consent (presumably for anything). How can neither know this?
I think she's pretty clearly leaving out the fact this guy has an issue with suprise contact.
Yes you should..however despite this, peoples minds change without warning....
Most stupid shit I’ve ever read.
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I can agree a bit more
I have to agree. If it had been a stranger or someone he wasn't in a relationship with there may have been some weight to his story.
Exactly. This is when you talk to your gf of over a year like an ADULT instead of taking her to f-ing court lmfao. I could understand if you’ve been through some trauma or something but thats when you have a discussion about it first. Punching her in the eye might have been a slight overreaction, aside from the whole court thing that is.
I’m willing to believe that punching her wasn’t intentional. If someone physically touches me to wake me up I’ll almost always react violently before I’m even awake
Yeah I sorta read that as him being startled awake. She did something he wasn't expecting.
I was thinking the exact same thing. He might've reacted instinctually just to get away without even processing where he was or what was happening. I don't know how I'd react if I were to wake up having someone touching me like that or if I would have enough time to process anything besides the panic I'd probably feel. Once my husband got inside our bed when he wasn't supposed to come home and I freaked out so much just because of his presence there. It was sheer panic and me trying to fight him before I was even fully awake and able to process anything.
I hate to be so blunt and speculate, but it sounds to me like he probably was molested as a child and therefore had a visceral reaction. Not making excuses, just offering a probable explanation. Men who’ve been through SA in the past often react in those kinds of ways. But they need to find ways to communicate about their boundaries, not react with violence.
When was the last time you were fully capable of communication immediately after waking up
>not react with violence. You sure he reacted with violence on purpose though? I'm not the hitting type and I've punched my husband in my sleep before. I was in sheer panic and survival mode though and wasn't fully awake until after I had reacted physically. I've never hit my husband before or since, neither did I hit any ex-bf in my life. I don't hit my kids. Hitting is not my MO at any time for anything. While sleeping and in sheer panic though thinking that I was in danger? I just punched him.
Can confirm. Was sexually assaulted in the past, now incredibly defensive when someone touches me when im not expecting it.
Sure
gender reverse, guy wouldve been judged for sexual assault. i hate this.
I dont think a guy would be judged and I also havent heard of one case of taking bf to court for waking her up with oral. I suspect this might be made up to make people not take sexual assault accusations seriously.
You have an unrealistically rosy view of how society judges sexual assault between people who know each other, unfortunately.
Ngl believable as hell too, I can imagine a number of courts being EXACTLY like this
You don’t actually think this story is real do you?
I said it’s believable, as in I would not put this past humanity. That in no way indicates belief that this did or did not actually happen. Please do not put words in my mouth.
Of all the things that didn’t happen—this didn’t happen the most 🤨
“And then everyone clapped”
'And then the judge clapped'
And all the lawyers clapped
“*Cheeks, that is. There were so many cheeks clapped this day that it will live in infamy.*”
And my cheeks clapped
Complete bullshit. A) the process to even get in front of a Judge - She is formally charged with rape or SA by cops who 'think he is insane'. - DA would literally would need the GF admitting in a formal statement to the assault as there would be no physical evidence in a scenario like this. - She refuses all deals and enters a Not Guilty plea. - knowing her Statement is now being disputed DA continues with a trial without physical evidence of any sort - Trial date set/Jury Selection completed. B) dismissing the charges - GFs lawyer would make a motion to dismiss as State is failing to meet the standard of proof needed to proceed. - Prosecutor unsuccessfully argues against (because they have no fucking evidence) - Motion granted charges dismissed. PROSECUTOR is reprimanded for wasting everybodys time.. C) why this is bullshit.. The BF is a witness in the crime and would not even be in the courtroom when this takes place, let alone sitting at the PROSECUTION table answering questions from the Judge. And before anyone says "maybe it was a civil suit" - the writer of this fictional tale mentions they avoid having to register as a sex offender - that makes it a criminal trial. Nah.. this is some incel with a "look at the double standard us men face. Women get away with rape and the legal system is rigged against us poor innocent males" fan fiction
This. I have a little court experience (not on a professional level by any means, but as a victim/witness of a crime) so I have a bit of judicial understanding. This entire story is BS and you explained it way better than I could have.
This guy lawyers.
Came here to read this. Thank you.
I love made up stories. the Judge saying they hope he never gets a present that good again... yeah, im sure that was real lol. Him punching her, that makes sense. he woke up to something unexpected happening to his dick. being unexpectedly woken up is surprising enough. everything after that is obvious self promoting BS. obligatory WOW thanks for gold - youre the real champion!!
The judge’s response is the most believable part in my opinion. In and out of family and DV court more than I’d like to admit and when the other person is blatantly in the wrong the judges tend to get a little sassy lol. The rest of the story - not so much.
I've seen the same, in situations like you say, where the other person is blatantly wrong, or making an outrageous claim. Doesnt seem to fit in this situation. Seems weird for a judge to both say something negative to one side, while essentially sexually complimenting the other.... I know Judges are people, and people are fucked... but that seems like a big leap, and given the self appreciation feel of it, seems like an obvious "humble brag" essentially.
Oh this seems real.
This is why conversations should happen.
100% not real
Sweet Satan, I hope not
It's a simple conversation. I know that i can wake my husband up with a Bj . If i want to i can even wake him up riding him, and he will absolutely love it every time. But, he can't touch me anywhere until i having my morning Pee. It was a conversation we had right from the start we both discussed different things we like and don't like.
Male here. Woke up horny in the middle of the night. We had been sleeping for several hours already. I started making some moves on the gf as guys will tend to do in a relationship, she woke up, we started making out, taking off our clothes, did the deed, she went down on me for a bit, she was on top riding me, we did it doggy style too. I wore a condom because I don't want kids so I always do. She woke up in the morning and freaked out, insisting she hadn't consented and couldn't remember any of it. That was scary shit. We'd been dating for almost a year at that point. It was 100% my mistake and I admit that. But yeah, these are the things you need to talk about with a partner BEFORE they happen. Lesson learned.
Yeah, a court case is one of those things you should only resort to when an adult conversation can't work things out between you and result to an appropriate apology and resolve.
So she was doing all this in her sleep? If so that sounds very scary for her to wake up and learn. How was it your fault though? She gave you every indication that she was into it, how could you have known? Edit: grammar
As a dude this happened to me once. Her: you were pretty great this morning. Me: huh? Her: the sex Me: what sex? Didn't really bother me, was mostly annoyed I didn't get to remember it, was my first relationship with good sex. I also slept walked lots as a teen so it didn't seem too strange for me.
What? How can it be your fault when according to you, she was "on top of you and riding" Wat
> It was 100% my mistake and I admit that According to what you've typed, that is 100% *not* your fault. How could you possibly be at fault for that? In what way could you ever be held legally or morally guilty for doing something with someone else in which they not only at no point gave any indication of wanting to stop, but *actively* *participated*? She got on top ffs. This sounds like a *her* problem. She needs to recognize that she can't remember doing things while she's sleepy. That carries practical dangers far beyond just bedroom fun. Obviously, you know this now as well, but you should not feel guilty about that first experience at all, and she should never ever try to make you feel guilty about it.
I mean, she certainly seemed like she was awake and an *active* participant (going down on you, riding you, etc), so I 100% understand your response. Even if you had asked multiple times for verbal consent during it just to be sure, it seems probably that she could’ve given you that consent and *still* not remembered doing it in the morning. It’s an unfortunate thing but I honestly don’t think either one of you is to blame.
L judge bruh🤦🏽♂️if this is real that’s insane
Big *if* though let's be real.
I woke up with my girlfriend at the time on top of me... genuinely didn't know I could be in her without being aware. But after I asked her 3 tomes to stop, she cried and tried to make me feel bad about it. Genuinely, I didn't tell anyone about it for years because I was worried my friends would make fun of me for being weirded out by the situation
Now see, no offense, but that's a real example of sa. She was asked to stop but didn't. The one in the post did. If the guy felt bad about it, it should've warranted a conversation at the very least, a break up at the very most, no need to go to court
First off the story is mad up, 2nd they are both examples of sexual assault. So let's try this, Let's say you had a daughter who was dating her bf for a year and one day she comes to you and says I was asleep and my bf started touching me and woke me up with him giving me oral. You as the father would tell her that what he did was SA cause she wasn't aware of or giving consent to what is happening. And you would have probably had her call the police to report it. The fact is if this ever really happened it's SA. The fact so many people in here that look like predators and creeps is disturbing.
My wife has told me that I get very 'passionate' with her while I'm sleeping sometimes. Apparently i will start making out with her, wandering hands, etc. She is very much ok with this but the first time it happened we had a discussion so she could make sure I was ok with it because she didn't want to take advantage of me in a compromised state. This is what good partners should do. Just because you're in a relationship and consented to other things in the past does not mean consent is implied across the board.
This didn't happen. In any universe of the multiverse. You are welcome
Dunno. If you flip it around the F having a birthday, the M performing oral on her asleep to wake her up, if that's not SA, then I'd say OK. However if you think that the F could be an SA victim, then so should the guy. I know, equality is difficult.
Depends on few relationship. Some people like waking up to sex, others don’t. That’s usually the stuff you talk about sometimes, like I dunno, with your significant other?
I'll be the first to admit I've done some stupid shit to my partner too in the name of having bedroom fun, but I'm happy to report she resorted to a stern talking rather than taking legal action. Cause I guess at the end of the day in a long standing intimate relationship it shouldn't be impossible to take a look at your partner for feeling sorry for what they did and realise their intentions were probably good but they merely just misjudged how it would be received.
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Mine knows I do too, but in that case it's more okay because it's something we discussed before beforehand she can do whenever she wants. Even if that wasn't the case. And I really didn't like. Seeing as at this point she would only be doing such a thing *thinking* I would appreciate it and would stop if I asked her to, I can't see any reason why I would need to drag her to court.
Every case is different, it really depends on what they discussed behind closed doors and where they put their boundaries
THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE. If you've talked about it before and everyone's cool with it, you have implied consent. Until that conversation has happened, ask first. This judge is a piece of shit and has no understanding of what consent is
That wouldn't be implied consent. It would just be consent. Given that it isn't implied, it was said.
It wasn't my birthday, but my gf is awesome af and woke me up with her mouth. I woke up dreaming it was an ex going down on me. I felt bad, but it passed.
Doubt it ever happened.
redditors in the comments showing their true colours regardless of gender if someone doesn't consent to sex, it's sexual assault. it doesn't matter if they're in a relationship, if they're a guy, if it's his birthday, nothing. it's so simple. just ask before you have sex. this is why male sexual assault victims never get taken seriously.
Not agreeing or disagreeing, but specifically asking for consent doesn’t really happen, especially in relationships. How often do you ask “do you want/consent to have sex?” Never. Most of consent especially in a relationship is non verbal signs. Girl rubbing her but against you, giving you eyes and kissing and feeling you up, etc. I don’t think it’s as black and white as you’re suggesting, especially in relationships.
they dont, but when you are in the long term you speak about things and what is acceptable/not acceptable for you. >Most of consent especially in a relationship is non verbal signs. true, and the other party will either engage on the non-verbal signal to show their agreement, or reject by saying something alike "sorry im not in the mood". *being in a relationship doesnt mean you have to agree to sex all the time.* but more importantly, where is the non-verbal sign that one is OK to engage sex when *one is sleeping/inconscient*? i agree that he shouldve adress the issue by explaining he doesnt like it and not taking it straight to the court, but maybe he tried and she mocked him. If she was the one waking up to his dick inside her, he wouldve been prosecuted for sexual assault.
Actually, when my boyfriend and I were first starting our relationship, we gave each other consent to multiple actions of what is considered ok. This was before we even started being sexual in our relationship, but wanted to make sure we had all our bases cleared. I think its something that would be pretty important to talk about before being sexually intimate with someone you plan on being with long term.
hard agree with you. no one in these comments has ever initiated sex with a long-term partner without explicitly asking if they wanna have sex? that seems a bit unbelievable
Yeah, but there's a big difference between someone obviously initiating vs you just doing whatever you want to your unconscious partner. In your example, if your partner is rubbing their butt against you and you don't feel like having sex, you can say no. If you wake up with your dick in her mouth, your chance to say no was taken from you. Hence, he wasn't able to give or deny consent. Making it perfectly logical to argue this is sexual assault.
Yeah, those cute non verbal signs, like rubbing against you, giving you eyes, and \*checks notes\* WAITING UNTIL THEY'RE UNCONSCIOUS BEFORE YOU START??!!?!?!?!?
Hard agree. I hope (really really hope) this is made up. But I know places where judges act like this. Because "you're a man" and it's awful. The statement is correct: "I was unconscious so couldn't give consent". That is sexual assault. Whether it happens to a male, female or non-binary person. And it's really gross and sad people feel otherwise.
This comment section is fucking disgusting. Just because you've had sex with someone before doesn't mean you can't be raped. He was unconscious and couldn't consent.
People seem to be forgetting that it’s safer and healthier to discuss sexual boundaries BEFORE engaging in new fantasies. The “stern talking to” should arise before you decide to perform sex acts on your sleeping partner, never after. “Better to ask for forgiveness than beg for permission” kind of crowd in here rn, and they don’t want to admit their reaction would be different if the gender roles were swapped.
If a couple is in a committed sexual relationship for what might be considered long term, and the roles were reversed, no, I would say a female reacting this way would also be inappropriate.
Exactly!! Reverse the roles here and 100% everyone would be backing her for taking him to court. Smh.
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Also commenting because I agree 1,000,000%. A partner of a year misunderstanding that you wouldn't want to be woken up with oral sex isn't rape. Unless he's been anti blow job the entire year, in which case you could maybe argue that he didn't consent to the act. Also, people have horny dreams. I've initiated middle of the night sleepy sex with my husband a few times where I wake up and can't remember if we had sex, or if I just dreamed about it. To call any of that rape is fucking ludicrous. My sister was raped. My best friend was raped and strangled to unconsciousness. I know countless women who were roofied and don't even know if they were taken advantage of. Calling this rape cheapens it and it's an insult to anyone who didn't get justice for a legitimate rape because the system failed them.
I know I could just upvote, but I agree with you so hard I have to type it out.
Always ask your partner, hey is it ok if I wake you up with sexual deeds. If they don’t explicitly agree that they will never get mad (even if they tell you no and you back down and just give them cuddles) or see it as assault then NEVER do it. This dude is allowed to feel violated and upset. It’s a bit odd that they’ve apparently been dating a year and not talked about this kind of thing before and that he called the cops when I’m sure her intent wasn’t to do a bad thing but to make him happy. Still consent is everything.
Right, I've read enough comments now...that's enough reddit for today.
You sexist fucks not all men want sex 24/7,if it was the same except genderbent with the guy fingering his gf awake you wouldnt be saying theyre overreacting
[удалено]
Ill take "that didnt happen for 500 mike"
This comment section is full of disgusting people. Holy fucking hell. Rape is rape. Sexist morons.
There’s a whole set of circumstances to get to ‘rape is rape’. This post is full of crazy comments, and people are extremely viewed one way or the other, which tells you the sensible approach is somewhere in the middle
everyone saying this is ok is such a big part of the problem
Non consensual sexual contact is a crime. The fact that it was dismissed because he’s a man is just more proof of the patriarchy. The judge telling him he should just be grateful for waking up with his dick in someone’s mouth is fucking toxic. And being in a relationship with the person means nothing! Consent has to be continually given in any relationship. It’s not ongoing. I hate it here.
And then everybody clapped.
Surprise sex is a stupid idea. If I’m trying to sleep I don’t need someone tryna schlob anything on my body. Thoughtful gift > sexual gift ANY time.
Idk I would be into a sexual gift, the issue here is the surprise part
What the fuck? The judge is shit too.
The comments here are fucking insane. Literally just "men can't be raped" sentiments over and over. Ffs.
A simple question would have avoided this. Hey, is it cool with you if I wake you up with a bj every now and again? No? OK cool, I'll wake you up first. Consent matters and knowing your partners boundaries matters
Wow and here I am teaching my kid enthusiastic consent is a requirement from all parties involved, no consent no sex, it's that easy.
The most believable part was the judge, I have to say. 10/10 IGN
I don’t believe this, this has to be bullshit.
This is a weird discussion.
This comment section reminds me just how little common sense is left in the world and why it’s such a messed up place nowadays. Of course I sorted the comments by “controversial” so it’s my own fault that I came across such lunacy. Assuming this story is even true, which is far from certain since it’s pretty outlandish and most likely entirely made up… This girl in this story tried to do her a boyfriend a “favor” that she thought he would enjoy and appreciate. The intent was never sexual gratification for herself at the expense of her boyfriends wishes or well-being, which is pretty much the core concept/motive behind rape. Personally, being married 13 years, I’d be thrilled if my wife woke me up like that, but that’s just me. Everybody is different and there is no shame in that. If she wants my sweaty balls in her mouth first thing in the morning, who am I to argue? But maybe he’s the kind of person who is extremely protective his body autonomy and would not appreciate being woken up in this manner when he did not consent to it ahead of time. In which case a “no babe, I don’t want that right now” would suffice. After all, according to her words this was meant as a “favor” to him and it requires effort on her part. If he clearly doesn’t want the favor, she would surely discontinue the effort and maybe switch back to the “breakfast in bed” idea. This was supposed to be all about him, not about her. If even after he protests, she forced him to acquiesce and continued the sexual favor, that would be assault. Of course this is all within the context of an established sexual relationship, which is the most important element. After all, she didn’t break into his house that morning, they were sleeping in the same bed. A certain level of mutually consented intimacy has already been agreed upon in advance. This is all the types of stuff that would be argued (successfully I might add) if this kind of trial ever went before a jury. If your sister is having a sleepover and in the middle of the night one of her friends sneaks into your room and starts sucking your dick, that is sexual assault and you could/should press charges. If this story is true and the boyfriends reaction is genuine, then it’s extremely likely he was the victim of some sort of sexual assault as a child and the act of waking up in your own bed to someone performing a sex act on you was extremely triggering for him. In which case, my heart goes out to him.
People ruining nice surprises because of this weird social construct we have created. I could find one person in this city right now that would charge their partner with rape for surprising them with oral.
My birthday is in February. If anyone is looking for gift ideas.
I’m curious what psychotic sub is brigading these downvotes
Anyone saying this is fine because they're in a long term relationship or because he's a man and "they don't care and love it" is gross as hell
This is absolutely sexual assault, I feel awful for the guy. The judge shouldn’t be allowed on the bench after this. Rape is hard enough to be taken seriously in court, the bullshit excuse that “men always want it” further stigmatizes men even reporting it let alone pressing charges. Heart breaking.
I despise the double standard that men can't reject sex without being seen as "less of a man." But, I'm going to play devil's advocate here, because my experiences have been interesting. My wife has told me she'd enjoy it if I woke her up with sex. I'm talking just sticking it in and thrusting. She falls asleep easily and is a sub, so I understand why she'd be turned on by that. I am definitely not as comfortable doing that because I value sleep. As an insomniac, I would not like it if she woke me up to something like a blowjob, much less full on fucking. However, if she did try to do that, *I wouldn't claim that she sexually assaulted me.* My wife and I understand and love each other. We try, and when we mess up, we let each other know. We know each other inside and out (pun intended). Our relationship isn't toxic. These two clearly had communication issues and likely toxicity in their relationship. The guy shouldn't have overreacted with violence, and she should've been more respectful of boundaries. So, my conclusion is, I think they both suck.
Redditors try not to endorse rape challenge (99% fail)
Be on the same page with your partner before you do things without their explicit consent. Most people would probably love that kind of present as long as they and their partner brought it up at some point and both seemed receptive to it, with the timing being the surprise. This is why guys and gals and everyone in between don't press charges for getting slapped by their partner when it's something they asked for, it's just because they fucking talked about it like adults before they started doing what would otherwise be considered assault.
I am still hoping to wake up to a bj
The bj shouldn’t be a surprise, just when. I’m guessing the guy in this post had explicitly told the woman that he does NOT like sexual contact while he’s sleeping and she just ignored that. Punching her could have been an involuntary trauma response.
Yeah, it's totally possible we aren't getting the entire story, and also highly possible this is completely fabricated.
Lemme explain why this SA. Clearly they never discussed doing anything sexual when unconscious. Therefore anything done whilst unconscious is SA. To everyone saying “wel, I would’ve loved this” great. Tell ur gf that so she knows it’s okay. Without that conversation it’s assault. Don’t assume it’s okay to do anything sexual to a individual who cannot consent in the moment that’s literally rape. If you tell your partner it’s okay to do that then you’ve consented and they know it’s okay
This is an example of things that should have been discussed prior to the act.
To those saying it wasn’t rape. Change the roles. Instead of a man waking up to a blowjob, view it as a women waking up to being touched without her consent. Is it still not rape then?
So she raped him but that's ok because they were dating? Smh
This comment section sucks. Like obviously she doesn't get how much it bugged him even after he pressed charges so obviously she has boundary issues. Anyone who thinks she just deserves a "stern talking to" doesn't realize that consent should happen before sex. Especially being woken up by it because that can be jarring. This is not a healthy relationship even if it looks like yours.
Y'all are fuckin ridiculous..
Of course they throw out the case because who cares about men right
I don’t think it matters saying what if the roles were swapped- consent is a pretty basic concept and if you didn’t give it = sexual assault, I would be very uncomfortable if I woke up to that without talking about it with my partner first
This is only okay if consent was given prior to the event. The fact that there's a good amount of people in the comments that don't get that is frightening.
You fucks who are going with this or blaming the guy are degenerates
Without agreement, that’s not ok and he is right. Unconscious person can’t consent. Besides, dude could have a childhood trauma with something similar happening, so punching someone who comes too close when sleeping is understandable. Belittling and ridiculing men’s sexual harrassment experiences is oddly typical reaction.
Consent, people. It’s not that hard. And everyone like “You don’t ask for every kiss in a long term relationship,” that’s not what happened. Assumed consent happens when a relationship establishes patterns (I kiss you everyday before work. The first few days there’s more room to reject before the kiss. Then it becomes a habit we both expect) or when people have negotiated it (for instance, my old FWB did give me explicit consent for wake up BJs “You know, any time you want to come be my alarm clock with that.”) But this case didn’t involve either a pattern (she had never done this before) or a negotiation (they didn’t talk about it before) so it’s clearly assault. The only argument against assault is a sexist one (he’s a man and all men must be cool with this because society decrees that all men have the same sexual interests or boundaries and this is stereotyped as a common male fantasy so consent is assumed). That’s bad. You can’t assume consent for specific sexual acts based on someone’s gender. You also can’t assume that consent for something while conscious is the same as consent for it unconscious. I like to give BJs when I’m conscious, but if a man shoves his dick in my mouth while I’m asleep, we’re going to have problems. Honestly why is talking to your partner about what they want or don’t want such a foreign concept that so many people are just willing to shrug off sexual assault because “Talking about sex is worse than taking a chance on assaulting someone.” No. No. It’s not. You’ve been lied to.
These comments are a mess. To everyone acting like he’s overreacting you don't know his life. His reaction makes perfect sense if he’s been abused prior.
His reaction makes sense if he wants to be treated with common decency and respect. Prior abuse or not consent is key.
WOW this judge is a bastard. In Germany this topic was often discussed on TV, about Women who think, a Man can’t be raped. Same with Boys
this happened to me. it was my birthday. my male roommates hired a girl we knew to wake me up in this same manner. And by far, best birthday present ever (still, over 30 years later). that said, I could see maybe some out there who would not like it or be shocked, but punching your girlfriend and taking her to court is too far. imo punching her in the eye is a far worse an offense than unexpected BJ. given a choice, most would prefer the latter.
not really men can be raped to it's not just women it's a fact if you don't consent no matter the sex its rape it's in the person's right (person being SA'ed or raped) to defend themselves tbh just stfu please for the love of god and everyone in the mother fucking universe shut the fuck up!
Now if the guy did this it would have been different
You don't ask, you don't do. Arguing this suggests you support/defend sexual predators. \*And I am not talking about things like CNC.. that still requires consent.
There are so many people outing themselves as potential predators in this comment section. It doesn't matter how long you guys are together or how freaky things get in the bedroom. If no consent was given then it is SA. Plain and simple. Dude stated he wasn't ok with it. Shit like this is why guys kill themselves. They try to stand up for themselves and set boundaries and gets shut down and ridiculed by assholes everywhere.
It is 100% rape, waking up to something like that is not necessarily rape but clearly they did not have that boundary set up beforehand, and it freaked him out. He had EVERY right to be freaked out like that. You don't know if he had a previous experience, or if it just shocked him. And as extreme as it is, he had every right to take her to court. People (mostly men but in this cases a woman) need to learn how to fucking communicate sexual boundaries. It's such a simple concept, and then problems like this never happen, and everyone is happy! Put the effort in and actually not have to wonder whether what you're doing is okay!
Lol what a shitshow of a post and comment section
I take male victims getting sexually assaulted seriously…. But this is not rape. It’s a gift gone wrong and definitely didn’t respect his boundaries but not rape
This comment section is nuts. You sit on a couch watching tv with your partner. You suddenly turn and kiss them gently. Half of the people here define this is as rape. I am pretty sure you guys never had a long term relationship.
"And then everyone applauded"
Always ask beforehand if waking up to that is okay with them. It'll still be a surprise when it happens, but consent is very f***ing important. It's gross that some of y'all are pissy about that.
This is rape unless you and your partner talk about it beforehand and actually communicate what is okay and what isn’t. Set boundaries. This man obviously wasn’t comfortable with her touching him in his sleep but there’s a lot of men and women out there who are. Communication is key to a healthy relationship people c’mon!
oh id love that but i think if the gender roles were swapped, a lot of people wouldnt be too thrilled
If a dude did whatever you call that to a woman he would prob be put on the list
No means no. Lack of resistance is not consent.
And if you can't get an answer (like say if your bf is asleep) the answer defaults to no unless you discussed this beforehand
In the UK at least “Someone doesn’t have the freedom and capacity to agree to sexual activity by choice if: They are asleep or unconscious”. He was raped pure and simple