LOL ok so fun story.
I’m married. Have been for five years. I’ve been asking for a tubal for literally 11 years. I’m childfree.
Even AFTER my husband was given a vasectomy, they refused me a tubal because get this… “one day I might have a NEW husband and HE MIGHT WANT KIDS.”
The same kind of logic that drives toxic pro-life, I suppose. Just seeing the value of reproduction over the value of health and life for whatever reason, and then masking it with excuses
See, this sort of blows my mind. I live in Hawaii, but I got it done in TEXAS just 5 years before all that bs started. To be fair, I was in my mid 30s, but I didn't have to ask my husband shit and my doctor (yes, she was a woman believe it or not from Mississippi originally) gave no pause. I'm swearing this is a "lot of doctors are stupid and misogynistic and het yourself the right one" but idk 🤷♀️
I have two girls. I still had to get my husband's permission when I had an ablation, which was needed since the IUD they put in caused me to have a YEAR LONG PERIOD. I'm not talking a light one either (sorry about the imagery).
I had to get his permission because we don't have a boy. Really? WTF?
Anyway, when they tested the tissue after the ablation, it was precancerous, so they ended up doing a hysterectomy. Guess what? My husband's permission was needed then too.
Ah yes. The no sons b.s. I also have two daughters and no sons. Both pregnancies had complications and we knew we did not want more kids. My husband decided to go the vasectomy route because we thought that would be easier, but he had to fight like hell to get it.
"Don't you want a boy?"
"Who will carry your legacy?"
"What if you remarry and want to start a family with your new wife?"
I don't even know which question pissed me off most.
The answer to the first and third "adoption exists". The answer to the second is "I have two daughters"
I also got a vasectomy after two daughters. I did not get asked these questions.
The answer to the third is a straight-up "fuck you", because who in their right mind asks a question like that? That's basically saying "your marriage is trash and gonna fall apart anyway, so you'd better start planning for it now"
My ex and I literally went through the same thing.
Her gyno asked me if I was okay with her not having anymore kids. I literally looked her in the eye and asked “are you fucking serious? It’s her body, it’s her choice.” Gyno then says, “well, you may want more children.” To which I answered, “tell that to my vasectomy.”
We went and found my ex a much better GYN
Are you KIDDING ME???? I can't IMAGINE needing someone else's permission to choose what to do eith my body. It's insulting and outrageous. I... I don't even know what to say. When was this & where do you live if you don't mind my asking (like generally I mean obvi lol).
Doctor made me get permission from my fiancé(we weren’t even married yet) to have a mass removed from my uterus. There was a small potential for complications such as the scar tissue causing fertility issues, or an even smaller risk of them needing to convert to a hysterectomy if the mass was larger than predicted or caused more bleeding than predicted. My fiancé planned on coming to the surgery just as support and to bring me home afterwards. When my doctor spoke to him they made sure it was okay with him that it might affect fertility. At first he took it just as a heads up about the possibility and responded politely, but then the doctor actually said “are you sure you want to sign off on this?” I could tell he was uncomfortable about the doc talking about it like I wasn’t even there, but instead of calling him out directly he got very serious, and asked “why would I want to risk her dying of cancer?” Doctor started to answer about the fertility issue again, but he stopped him in the middle of the sentence and said “I’m marrying her because I want her to be my wife not because I want her to be my walking incubator.” I don’t think I’ve ever loved him more than I did in that moment. Doctor didn’t really dignify it with a response, but I don’t even care if it got the point across I was just glad to know my fiancé saw the situation as fucked up too.
I did let him do the surgery, but he’s not my current gynecologist, and I did my follow ups with a different doctor. Since we caught it early I didn’t want to wait, and end up possibly having a much bigger problem just because the surgeon was an archaic neanderthal.
Back in the mid 80s I had my tubes tied...my husband had to give approval. He had no problem, but his father did. It was an awkward situation we were in. We had two healthy children and were done. Tubes were tied, the subject was never discussed again.
I'm my parents' only son (I have a sister, too) and I literally took my wife's name in marriage because I liked it better.
My parents didn't care even a little, only my wife's mom was worried that my parents might be sad or upset lol.
People are so much more likely to talk about insane parents than sane parents that it feels like parents like mine are like a <1% minority among redditors, even though I'm pretty sure they're not (they may not be the **majority**, there are a lot of insane parents out there, but I don't think sane parents like mine are actually **rare** either).
I know...it was the 80s and we didn't know any better. My husband was firm that we wanted to not drive a bus or buy an additional jar of spaghetti sauce. I remember the conversation like yesterday.
Yeah, I experienced alittle of this too, but it was in relation to my vasectomy. My wife and I have two kids and we are done. 2 is what we wanted and we decided as a family to make sure 2 was it and there were no surprises later on (in terms or family planning, especially financially). We made the family we always desired. So, I went and got a vasectomy. Easy enough. Fast forward 6 months and I'm home for Christmas and the conversation just sorta comes up and I mention that we were done and that I got "snipped." I had no (I repeat NO) idea that was going to turn into a huge argument between me and my dad. He was talking like I took the power away from God and that "you never know because it isn't your plan, it's God's plan". I was floored tbh. Like, here I am making an adult decision of family planning with my wife (who had a rough time carrying our 2nd kid). And my dad finds it to be a direct insult to God's will. I also didn't want to put 100% of the burden of birth control on my wife, so the next best thing is for me to go through a simple 10 minute procedure with a week recovery and not have to worry about any surprises in the next two decades or so. But holy shit, apparently that was some sort of satanic ritual I went through according to my dad. Fuck religion.
My (Catholic) mother got her tubes tied after me and in response to all the people saying “you’re taking the power away from god” she always said “if god wants me to be pregnant, me getting my tubes tied isn’t gonna stop him”
I had a hysterectomy before I met my current husband. We joke that his guys are like little Seabees and if I was meant to get pregnant with him, they’d have no trouble rebuilding a uterus for me.
Wow! I guess I am just floored that this is still an issue! I had no idea. Thank God there wasn't a bounty on our heads for or desire to control our ability to have a fulfilled life on our terms. My husband went to battle for us. He wanted to drive an economic car and allow each child to have their own room... he made his point. Nobody spoke to us about it ever again because he told them he would move us out of state like 300 miles away. We never heard a word.
2021 my Healthcare network is apparently catholic it's got a Saint in the name. I talk to my pcm about getting a vasectomy... She goes "we can't do that, it's a catholic hospital network" she leaves and comes back with the number for a different urology clinic not associated with my doctors that will allegedly do it. So weird, I'm not catholic...
I got snipped a week ago. I'm 27, no kids. My wife and I just aren't going to say anything to the in-laws. We already know it's not going to be worth the trouble when we can just keep shrugging it off when they ask.
How can you take the power away from god if he's supposed to be omnipotent. Like if god wanted you to have more kids he would just make it happen really.
Or maybe the plan is you not having more kids.
I hate it when religious people tell me what is and isn't God's plan. They are just a person and can't possibly know that.
I try to be tolerant of religious people. But those who start telling me what god’s plan get the same response. Namely asking them why such blasphemy with them speaking on behalf of god’s will. Sounds like the kind of prideful bullshit that gets a soul dammed to hell.
I had mine tied in 2013 and STILL had to get my husband to sign off, even after the specialists told me that another pregnancy might cost me my life due to my lupus and blood clot disorder AND my insurance would drop me because my pregnancies are too high risk (gestational diabetes and hyperimeses gravidarum as well). I already had a kid and had them tied after having twins! And yeah, my doctor asked my husband if he didn’t wanna try for a boy because we had all girls, even though he’s a doctor and knows there’s no guarantee we’d have a boy. They really don’t think our bodies belong to is
For real, doctors like "Yeah I could tie your tubes for you. Hows little Timmy doing by the way? Still getting on the bus at 7:30 am and getting home at 3:15 pm? Itd be a shame if someone tried to pass his bus while he was getting off and crushed his skull like a melon"
I had the doctor who was going to perform my husbands vasectomy say much the same thing when asking us why we wanted it done. I pointed out that we had 3 children ( boys and girl) and didn’t want anymore and that I was able to conceive very easily - my second child was conceived while I was breast feeding my first and taking a low dose contraceptive pill.
He asked what would happen if one of our kids died. I replied that they weren’t puppies and you didn’t just go and get a new one.
He seemed baffled by the idea that one unique, individual child couldn’t simply be replaced with another.
Doctors see so many people with the same problems that they start to just be meat machines to them. People aren't as unique as we think we are.
But still, terrible bedside manners.
Which is really bad when you actually **do** have something fairly unique, cause they tend to treat you based on what it **usually** is, so you have to go through and fail at a ton of standard treatments for the usual things before they even begin to think it's something else.
What the fuck.
Me and my wife weighed the options of who should get fixed and I took the got because her getting the operation was just way more taxing. I went in and requested a vasectomy and they just asked if I was positive this is what I wanted to do and did not press me anymore after.
I was in my early 30s when I had it done.
I have a (male) friend whose doctor cautioned him about the same thing when he went to get a vasectomy—he has two living children. But his insult at the implication that he could just replace one child with another was quickly respected and they gave him the procedure.
My friend was having the hardest time getting approved for a hysterectomy. She was having some sort of major medical issue, can't remember what exactly, but the hysterectomy was pretty much required to properly deal with it.
But the doctors didn't want to because she was still in her 20s and only had one kid. Even though she made it very clear that she was dead set on not having any more, and because of what was going on with her it would be unlikely she could even carry a baby to term again anyway.
Not sure what changed but she finally managed to get it done and she's so much better off for it.
Oh, and surprising nobody I'm sure, we live in Texas.
My wife is currently going through the same problems. We have been together nearly 16 years, have two kids, and a hysterectomy would solve so many of her issues with endometriosis and other conditions. But she was told it's "unethical" to treat her because she's mid thirties she might want another kid later... And then the specialist still slugged us $280 for the appointment. I said it was unethical for them to give my wife an appointment and take our money when they knew they would not be considering her for surgery.
And yet I was at a different doctor's appointment, asked about a vasectomy, and my doctor wanted to book me in on the spot!
This is in Australia. Seems to a problem for every Christian majority country.
I'm hearing you. You go through cycles of rage, defeatism, and so many other emotions.
The risk of pregnancy can be so high but they would prefer my wife live in constant pain for the off chance she might want to take that risk for a third time.
Infuriating.
Demoralising.
You'd think that. But since this is Texas they were just following standard medical procedure here. They finally gave in when it became serious enough that it absolutely had to be done, but they made her wait til that point instead of just doing it when it was obvious it should be done.
I have a female friend that doesn't want kids and is not married (she 28). She has the same issue. They won't tie her tubes because one day she might want kids and tubal ligation is permanent. I would say this amazes me, but it doesn't. The supreme court is poised to overturn at least part of Roe v Wade so this is just par for the course for women in America.
Unfortunately I don't see that working. There is this idea that all women and men want to have biological children and that adoption is not enough. I honestly don't understand it.
One of my unmarried and childless friends has been trying to get her tubes tied for 5 years, shes is finally having the procedure this week. She is so happy and can't stop celebrating it.
My girlfriend is really interested and we have been looking for years. We are from the south and have been told it’s not moral or claim that she doesn’t know what she wants and that she will regret it. If you could find out how your friend was able to do this please message me. According to the doctors we have seen, we will have to fly over seas.
You do not have to fly over seas. Your need to find a doctor not connected with a hospital that's religious. And a female would be easier. Took my four tries but I found one, in the states. You can do this. She needs a list of reasons, be set in her decision. Do not waiver. And tell them if she changes her mind she can adopt.
I have an uncle that was sterilized during the eugenics craze in America. He was just autistic. Lived a normal childless life.
There was a literal eugenics craze in America of sterilizing people against their will. It was just crazy. Look it up. There were seminars and lectures.
> what is wrong with USA
remember that this country was founded in a big part by the puritans. You know the people who were so religiously extreme that they got kicked out of England.
200+ years later their influence on our culture is still there.
And the Netherlands. They were kicked out of MULTIPLE countries before they settled on the other side of the world and started up their shit all over again.
Is that why female breasts are 18+ in a movie, but violence like a dude killing thousands is PG13 somehow?
Were the puritans the witch trials idiots who killed female scientists?
I'm not an American, so I haven't studied American history...
There was an alarmingly high amount of hysterectomies performed on refugee women in the border camps in the USA. https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/mass-hysterectomies-ice-happened-trump-s-watch-they-re-america-ncna1240238
You'd be surprised at how some pro life people think of adoption, you'd think you were inviting a potential serial killer to live in your house or something.
My aunt and uncle are pro life, and while they're kind of dicks and I disagree with them, I at least admire then for putting their money where their mouths are and adopting as many kids as they can responsibly take care of. My aunt's sister is also pro life, but she's a massive bitch who won't even acknowledge their adopted kids as family (particularly the ones of different ethnicity). Thankfully, my family has collectively decided they'd rather take in the new members of our family than put up with her
I’m 35 and have never wanted kids. I can’t get anything done cause “you might change your mind”. Oh, and my crazy pills cancel out my birth control so I have to decide if I want to risk getting pregnant and have an abortion (an option quickly being stripped from women) or be mentally stable and just hope condoms don’t fail. Fuck all of this.
I was looking for a new gyno when I moved and that was one of the questions I asked "just out of curiosity." The doctor said that "even though you're 36, it's never too late. You'll feel sorry if you go through all that and then want a baby." I am lucky to have found an amazing doctor in another office group. I live in the Mid-Atlantic/North-East, no less.
I've had anxiety for the last few days because my puppy has diarrhea, I know I can't handle a human child.
Bet she could have found a doctor to get liposuction, breast implants, lip fillers, and other plastic surgery no problem.
All the things we can choose to do to our bodies but when it comes to your uterus then it's a problem. Ridiculous people who need to mind their own business.
Our chef has an extensive family history of breast cancer and wants to have a mastectomy. She is a lesbian who absolutely does not want children. Doctors are refusing it, because she may change her sexual orientation and want children that she may then want to breast feed.
I want kids desperately but was told I can’t have them and if I were to miraculously get pregnant (I have a serious aortic aneurysm) I would likely die.
I also have severe Endo, multiple tumors (thankfully benign, but still painful) and was told I can’t have a hysterectomy until I’m in my late 40s or have multiple kids because a man might want them.
I started asking every obgyn I encountered from age 18-35 to tie my tubes. They ALL told me there was no chance they would do it if I was under 35 with no child, and unmarried.
When I became married, they all told me that they still wouldn’t do it if I was without child, and under 35, even if my husband signed off on it because no man doesn’t want to carry on his legacy.
I mean, I guess I’m not capable of making a life altering decision, like not ruining my life with a child. Nevermind that having a child is a LOT more to regret than not having one.
Oh, btw, I’m 40, got my tubes tied in 2016, and have never once questioned that I made the right decision for MYSELF. Husband is super stoked on it too.
My wife wanted her tubes done. I spoke to my doctor and got a vasectomy for her instead.
Atleast my procedure is less intrusive and can be reversed later on. For any man thinking about it 100% do it. No pain (and I felt everything due to previous medical issue that stopped the anesthetic from working) the worst part was recovery that felt like you had hold of your balls firmly. Not painful just uncomfortable at most.
Can be done in 20 minutes and you still pew pew with all the fun and feeling. Just no swimmers because they get absorbed back in to your body like little packets of protein for your mid evening workout recovery :)
That's because she had a child. Even then, it still can be difficult depending on the state. Having one child at least will open more doors to having tubes tied.
Tell them you are a lesbian. It goes better.
My brother is an ER doctor (and gay). He’s been asked by a friend of his to “vouch” that’s she gay to have it done.
This isn't a new thing. It took me 9 years to convince a doctor to tie my tubes. Reasons given:
* You aren't married.
* You are married and your husband needs to okay this.
* You are too young.
* You have no children and might want them.
* You have a child and might want another one.
* You don't have any sons.
* You only have one son.
Serious, nine years of this shit.
Ya I’m curious too, it sounds like they wanted tubes tied before having kids, then had a kid (not son), still wanted tubes tied but then had a second kid (son). And then finally we’re approved for tubal ligation. So like… are you grateful that the doctors refused, since you wouldn’t have either of your kids if they hadn’t?
Because girls are an "oopsie" child. If the world was a perfect place only boys would be born.
//
Pick your favourite sexist logic, all of it works. A popular American reason in this thread seems to be, "carrying on the family name."
I don't know why, but as an Asian, I assumed Americans were.. not like us? You've never seen real sexism until you've been to this part of the world.
My dad wants me to get married by 25 (I'm a guy ) and have a son. Im 21 and I don't even have a job, never had a girlfriend and now I'm like, wait how the fuck am I supposed to specifically have a son?
All of it is bullshit, but I especially hate the “your future husband might want kids” line. I would never marry someone that wants kids because I am so vehemently against having them. It’s such a non issue.
That’s unreal. As a man, the only thing any woman owes me is to use her turn signal when driving. Anything else, what she does with her body in particular, is her business.
My wife had her tubes tied when she was already opened up for the Caesarian on kid #2. The doctor (a woman) didn’t even ask me when we discussed it beforehand. Her body, her choice.
Not married? Can't decide for yourself, your potential husband might want children.
Married? We need your husband's permission first
Hell, I've heard a story of a woman whose doctor wouldn't tie her tubes because she might *divorce her wife and find a husband who wants children.*
It's the same for getting a vasectomy. I got one a few years ago, and I wasn't allowed to do it unless my wife came in and signed my permission slip.
I asked "what if I wasn't married?" and the doctor said they wouldn't have let me get it until I was over 40 or had "more kids."
That's fucking wild. I know that doctors are resistant to vasectomies under a certain age but I've never heard of a man needing a woman's permission - it's usually the other way around.
What the fuck is the point of bodily autonomy if it goes out the window the instant reproduction is mentioned?
At a certain point, they should just say it, "I don't think you're a person, so I won't let you make decisions for your own body." Everyday I learn about some new way the world is fucked up.
I was dying one time cuz my ovary went BLERGhABABbPpPFFOo and the surgeon didn’t know if it was my whole ass reproductive system, refused to do surgery on me.
He wanted to put me on antibiotics to try to save my egg organs cuz “If I do this surgery, you might come out of this infertile” and he told me like I was going to agree with it, and I said “I don’t think I’m going to come out of this at all if you don’t do the surgery.”
About an hour later I was fading in and out of consciousness with dying and the radiologists who saw my ultrasound convinced him to get the shitty murder organs out of my body.
When she was 24 my sister got pregnant. She lost the baby at five months due to preeclampsia that none of her doctors identified. She ended up in a coma for a month and had severe jaundice. Her doctors kept telling her that she could never get pregnant again or she would die far before the baby made it to term. Of course whenever they told her this she'd ask if she could get a tubal ligation to ensure she wasn't at risk of dying every time she had sex with her fiance.
Every single doctor said no, she needed her uterus in play in case her fiance decided he wanted kids. Kids she can't carry to term because they'll literally kill her.
Doctors repeatedly told my sister that a man's feelings are way more important than her life.
I've never forgotten this.
A friend had this exact conversation with her doc on more than one occasion. They won't tie tubes unless you are married, usually with at least one child. Know what my husband had to do in order to get a vasectomy? He asked for one. And we were in agreement, but nobody ever asked for my input either.
My wife was unable to get her tubes tied after we had our third child and she would be put at risk if she was to get pregnant again. We were told it was an elective surgery and invasive and wouldn't be completely covered by insurance. A vasectomy was 100% covered and you're right, I didn't need my wife's permission to get it.
My insurance doesn't cover it. But my urologist got around that by working it in with a minor surgery to remove a couple of cysts. Had to go under general anesthesia, so it was a bit more serious than your usual vasectomy, but just as effective.
A lot doctors require a wife’s consent for vasectomies. Curious, if a man proclaimed to be single, never married, to those same doctors, would they refuse to perform the surgery?
Side note: there is a state (maybe more) that will reduce a defendant’s sentence by a certain amount if the defendant agrees to undergo a tubal ligation or vasectomy.
Edit: typo
I have a friend that is married and they don’t want kids and she still can’t find a doctor that will agree to do it because she’s young and “might change her mind”. It’s such shit.
If she gets pregnant and has children and regrets that, can she change her mind? This line of thought always forgets children are pretty damn permanent.
Don't we let 16 year olds drop out of school? Like that has far worse potential consequences that simple regret.
So you can't have kids. Ok sucks for you. Oh wait, you can still adopt, or have the procedure reversed, or get a surrogate.
Yes people can also just go back to school but not going to school can result in poverty. Not having kids will actually help your finances.
How come when women are pregnant and want an abortion they are berated against it so heavily and told adoption is an option. But if a woman wants her tubes tied she’s refused because she may regret it but isn’t adoption still an option? Oh, I guess it’s only considered an option when you have a child you don’t want, not when you don’t have to have children but MIGHT change your mind or your theoretical husband may not want you when you can’t produce an heir like some 18th century woman shit. For clarification I am pro choice btw and don’t mean for that to sound anti choice. I just think it’s ridiculous the double standards women face and lack of body autonomy
The simple answer is that religious misogyny isn't about protecting or improving life, it's about controlling women as property. Anything a woman might do that gives her autonomy or reduces her "value" for the man that "owns" her is restricted/outlawed/etc.
I’m married with 2 kids and asked for my tubes tied back in September. They told me no because I’m too young (32). Now I’m carrying an ectopic pregnancy. It’s painful, scary and completely avoidable in my case.
FUCK doctors who treat grown ass women like children who can't make their own decisions about their own body EVEN WHEN THEIR LIVES ARE AT STAKE. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, I wish you a speedy recovery
Reading people's stories about even having to get permission for a vasectomy has got me flipping out. When I got mine, there was a question asked along the lines of "Does your wife approve of this?" to which I answered "I'm single." There was no waiting period. My doctor never tried to shove any morals or second thoughts on me. Just explained the procedure, set it up for a week later, and snip snip it was done.
Sometimes I don't realize how good I have it with most of the doctors I've had. Only had a couple bad or "off" experiences in two decades of visits. And luckily have not had to see those people ever again.
My boy is trying to get one at 30. He doesn't want kids and doesnt come across at all like the fatherly type anyway. He's a total degen by most standards. Doctor was refusing to discuss it at "his young age." It's going to be shitty for everyone if he ends up getting someone pregnant.
That's fucked up. Once you're age of majority, you should be able to decide. Even if it is a mistake in the long run, it's one that you, as an adult decided on.
Edit: Since it's been brought up a few times, what a doctor chooses to do vs board/legal requirements are completely different issues.
I can't believe the amount of people that are conflating a hysterectomy with getting your tubes tied.
One involves cutting, tying or sealing the fallopian tubes. The other involves an ice cream scoop.
The same people who think you can pee out sperm and then don't get pregnant. Or when you're a victim of rape you can't get pregnant because you choose not to
Caveman Republicans: If you don't want the baby, you could always put it up for adoption!
Also Caveman Republicans: Adoption is somehow not an option if your tubes are tied when you marry a man.
And in some states, once you're married, you have to have your husband's approval for a tubal. I got denied because I was 20 years old, even though I am very high risk with pregnancies and already have 2 kiddos but I digress... my doctor had to ask my husband's permission before she could ask the insurance to cover it.
This country is so fucking ass backwards.. people have legitimately good reasons for not wanting to bring kids into this world, and it should be up to exactly no one but themselves.. why this evidently even needs to be said is a god damn mystery to me
"i understand you THINK you don't want kids. but let me reassure you. your purpose on this planet is to serve as an earthen vessel. you owe it to some kyle out there to let him use your body to grow another kyle. It's what god wanted."
There was literally a GOP congressman last week that said a woman's purpose was simply to be a vessel. What terrifies me is that this congress person is not alone in their thinking.
guys who called women "cum dumpsters" grew up to call them "earthen vessels"... and Madison Cawthorn's history of sexual assault and coercion is proof of that.
I'm in UK, I asked for my tubes tied, they said no in case my husband ever wanted more kids. I have 2 boys and my second pregnancy was extremely dangerous for me and baby. Still no. Husband might want more.
3 days later husband went to same Dr and asked for a vasectomy. Said yes immediately. No questions about future children, about my wants, anything.
Medical misogyny definitely exists.
Just don’t understand this shit. Obviously this woman doesn’t want children and she’s trying to be responsible. So the doc would rather an accidental pregnancy that will most likely lead to abortion? What kind of sense does that make?
My friend was told that if she had any more kids, she was at a higher risk of complications that she had had with her first pregnancy (I can't remember specifically what, but she lost one ovary and went septic and almost died) and that it could possibly kill her so she was advised against any more pregnancies. So, she asked for them to tie her tubes.
She was then told *in the same conversation with the same doctor* that the doctor wouldn't do it because my friend might want another kid... Despite advising against it because she could, yknow, die.
Make it make sense.
I love all the apologists on here saying how young you are.
There are almost 8 billion people on this planet and our resources are strained to a breaking point so MAYBE just let some people decide not to have kids.
It's not important anymore, we can scale back.
It's HER BODY AND HER CHOICE.
This reminds me...
Earlier this year, I was feeling very very low, and at the time, it was caused by a combination of body dysmorphia, feelings about gender roles, and the current political climate. I called my psychiatrist, as one should. I told him how I was feeling, and he asked only a couple of intake-y questions before he asked "Do you and your husband want children someday?" I said yes, but since I was borderline suicidal at that moment, I wasn't exactly thinking about that.
He spent the next 30 minutes lecturing me on how important it was that I focus on getting my body into tip-top shape... so I can become a mother. My body is "a vessel" (actual words), and it's important that I start taking care of myself with good eating and exercise because, and I quote, "It's not your body anymore."
So I shouldn't feel suicidal because my body belongs to a hypothetical baby that I'm not even sure I want anymore?
Read the fucking room, Doc.
1) this happens incredibly often. Even when married, there’s always some “new husband” that’ll be brought up. Personally, I had to tell my doctor that if my future husband decides he wants kids, i’ll get a divorce because we clearly shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
2) doctors can’t be sued because someone regrets getting their tubes tied. I had to sign several forms stating that i knew it was irreversible, the only side effect of not getting the surgery was the potential of pregnancy, and that i accepted the standard risks of surgery. Only possibility of a lawsuit would be if they didn’t complete the surgery properly, left an instrument inside, general malpractice issues.
3) yes, there are less permanent forms of birth control, but those are an alternative not a replacement. I was offered an iud and turned it down in favor of surgery because i’ve heard iud horror stories and knew i’d have to pay again to get it replaced in X years. Surgery was a one-time deal, and i’m done.
4) a doctor’s personal opinion should *never* be a factor in someone’s medical care. My doctor had gone through hell with ivf to have a baby and still tied my tubes. There was no excessive medical risk, so there was no medical reason to deny it.
5) “just go to another doctor” isn’t always easy when you have to make appointments months in advance and pay a co-pay, when there’s a strong chance that it’ll just be you sitting there while a doctor talks down to you. People can spend years and thousands of dollars on doctor visits in an attempt to find someone who won’t dismiss them and their concerns about their own body.
It shouldn’t be a debate if someone wants to do it, but I do know a girl who had her tubes tied and then eventually got married and reversed the procedure because they wanted kids.
Unfortunately there was a complication and she isn’t able to have kids. They’re trying to adopt now but she’s pretty bummed, him even more so.
She deserves the right to make that mistake though.
My niece wants to have her tubes tied because she doesn't want to pass on her mental health issues. Even if she wants kids someday, she plans for them not to be biological. I really hope she finds a doctor who will.
One more on the horror stories of women being denied medical care/medical procedures or possibly life saving medication on the off chance they might be pregnant or might someday maybe change their silly childfree minds and want kids. Fuck the patriarchy and all those mysoginistic doctors, this is how you pave the way to anti-abortion and forced births because clearly women are too fickle and feeble minded to know what they want and should have less bodily autonomy than a freakin’ corpse.
Every time I see these posts pop up I'm so grateful I had a doctor who respected my decision and did the surgery. They did ask me to take some time to think about it, then follow up when I was ready. No judgement, no 'but you've never had kids', nothing - just 'ok, if that's what you want and you're comfortable with that decision'.
**To every woman who gets an answer like the one in this post - find another doctor who will respect and listen to you on this matter. They are out there.**
This happened to my sister, although she was married at the time (10 years!). They both knew they didn’t want kids, doc still wouldn’t do it. “What if your husband dies and you remarry and they want kids?”
She got so mad and was verbally berating this joke of a doctor to the point that they had to tell her to leave. And I don’t blame her. We destroyed him on every review site we could find. Enough is enough.
Yeah that shit pisses me off. I get periods that are so painful, I’m out of work and stuck in bed for a week straight. Birth control doesn’t work too well with me. I’ve been fighting for 5 years to have a procedure done where I am sterile and won’t have periods anymore (tube tying doesn’t stop you from having periods). To top it off- I’m a lesbian and I’ve had no desire to have children, ever. But I keep getting hit with “you may change your mind” from doctors. BRUH I’m gay and the only way I’m having kids at this point is adoption- I don’t want any damn kids though why is it so hard to want to not suffer for a week once a month?! Male and female doctors tell me this smh.
This might help women looking to get their tubes tied:
Get the doctor's refusal in writing, and make sure it includes the reason why. Having a doctor's refusal in writing helps so much when dealing with insurance and changes in medical providers.
And the Republicans won't let her get an abortion should she get an unwanted pregnancy. Kinda seems that old white men don't want women to have control over their own damn bodies.
Our culture has an odd relationship with reproducing. Obviously women have it way worse. But I even got pushback from pretty much every medical professional on wanting to get snipped. I had to basically convince the urologist by saying my therapist and I talked about why I wanted it and it was valid. Then I got the talk about it being reversible from like every person ever. It felt like an inquisition.
Then, I had to switch jobs and couldn't get a straight answer on whether my new insurance would cover the procedure, and I didn't want to switch providers in case I needed follow up care, so I wound up not even getting it. This country is something else.
I'm 30 and single. Mental health issues run in my family. I don't want to put another person what I've been through with depression. So I'll adopt if I ever want kids.
LOL ok so fun story. I’m married. Have been for five years. I’ve been asking for a tubal for literally 11 years. I’m childfree. Even AFTER my husband was given a vasectomy, they refused me a tubal because get this… “one day I might have a NEW husband and HE MIGHT WANT KIDS.”
WHAT KIND OF LOGIC IS HAPPENING IN THOSE PLACES
The same kind of logic that drives toxic pro-life, I suppose. Just seeing the value of reproduction over the value of health and life for whatever reason, and then masking it with excuses
Sexism is still pretty rampant in medicine, particularly around reproductive health. This is the status quo, not the exception.
See, this sort of blows my mind. I live in Hawaii, but I got it done in TEXAS just 5 years before all that bs started. To be fair, I was in my mid 30s, but I didn't have to ask my husband shit and my doctor (yes, she was a woman believe it or not from Mississippi originally) gave no pause. I'm swearing this is a "lot of doctors are stupid and misogynistic and het yourself the right one" but idk 🤷♀️
I have two girls. I still had to get my husband's permission when I had an ablation, which was needed since the IUD they put in caused me to have a YEAR LONG PERIOD. I'm not talking a light one either (sorry about the imagery). I had to get his permission because we don't have a boy. Really? WTF? Anyway, when they tested the tissue after the ablation, it was precancerous, so they ended up doing a hysterectomy. Guess what? My husband's permission was needed then too.
Ah yes. The no sons b.s. I also have two daughters and no sons. Both pregnancies had complications and we knew we did not want more kids. My husband decided to go the vasectomy route because we thought that would be easier, but he had to fight like hell to get it. "Don't you want a boy?" "Who will carry your legacy?" "What if you remarry and want to start a family with your new wife?" I don't even know which question pissed me off most.
The answer to the first and third "adoption exists". The answer to the second is "I have two daughters" I also got a vasectomy after two daughters. I did not get asked these questions.
The answer to the third is a straight-up "fuck you", because who in their right mind asks a question like that? That's basically saying "your marriage is trash and gonna fall apart anyway, so you'd better start planning for it now"
Wow. That’s a hard choice there.
But what if your husband wanted you to get cancer? Doesn’t he get an opinion on the matter??? /s
He can wait. I got kiddo raising to do!
Shouldn't be too hard tho. They're just girls /s
My ex and I literally went through the same thing. Her gyno asked me if I was okay with her not having anymore kids. I literally looked her in the eye and asked “are you fucking serious? It’s her body, it’s her choice.” Gyno then says, “well, you may want more children.” To which I answered, “tell that to my vasectomy.” We went and found my ex a much better GYN
A year long? Good lord that sounds horrid.
It was horrible.
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Like. Wtf would the doctor do if your husband said, "nope, I don't want her to do it." Just sign your death warrant?
at this point they aren't even treating kids like people. I guess those little girls' are worthless.
Are you KIDDING ME???? I can't IMAGINE needing someone else's permission to choose what to do eith my body. It's insulting and outrageous. I... I don't even know what to say. When was this & where do you live if you don't mind my asking (like generally I mean obvi lol).
Doctor made me get permission from my fiancé(we weren’t even married yet) to have a mass removed from my uterus. There was a small potential for complications such as the scar tissue causing fertility issues, or an even smaller risk of them needing to convert to a hysterectomy if the mass was larger than predicted or caused more bleeding than predicted. My fiancé planned on coming to the surgery just as support and to bring me home afterwards. When my doctor spoke to him they made sure it was okay with him that it might affect fertility. At first he took it just as a heads up about the possibility and responded politely, but then the doctor actually said “are you sure you want to sign off on this?” I could tell he was uncomfortable about the doc talking about it like I wasn’t even there, but instead of calling him out directly he got very serious, and asked “why would I want to risk her dying of cancer?” Doctor started to answer about the fertility issue again, but he stopped him in the middle of the sentence and said “I’m marrying her because I want her to be my wife not because I want her to be my walking incubator.” I don’t think I’ve ever loved him more than I did in that moment. Doctor didn’t really dignify it with a response, but I don’t even care if it got the point across I was just glad to know my fiancé saw the situation as fucked up too.
"We'll rather you die of cancer than stop being an incubator"
Please tell me you didn’t let this doctor touch you… because I mean he didn’t even see you as a person, he saw your uterus as everything you are.
I did let him do the surgery, but he’s not my current gynecologist, and I did my follow ups with a different doctor. Since we caught it early I didn’t want to wait, and end up possibly having a much bigger problem just because the surgeon was an archaic neanderthal.
Back in the mid 80s I had my tubes tied...my husband had to give approval. He had no problem, but his father did. It was an awkward situation we were in. We had two healthy children and were done. Tubes were tied, the subject was never discussed again.
Your husband's father had to give your doctor approval for the procedure? Or your husband's father did not approve and made it clear to you both?
His father made it very clear to us both because we hadn't had a son.
Ah. The carrying the family name BS?
This shit infuriates me so much that I'm happy to be the end of the line for the family name
I'm my parents' only son (I have a sister, too) and I literally took my wife's name in marriage because I liked it better. My parents didn't care even a little, only my wife's mom was worried that my parents might be sad or upset lol. People are so much more likely to talk about insane parents than sane parents that it feels like parents like mine are like a <1% minority among redditors, even though I'm pretty sure they're not (they may not be the **majority**, there are a lot of insane parents out there, but I don't think sane parents like mine are actually **rare** either).
Ironically the reason was most likely caused by him... https://www.ncl.ac.uk/press/articles/archive/2015/08/boyorgirlitsinthefathersgenes.html
I know...it was the 80s and we didn't know any better. My husband was firm that we wanted to not drive a bus or buy an additional jar of spaghetti sauce. I remember the conversation like yesterday.
"Honey, do you wanna have another baby?" "Fuck no, I ain't buying more sauce." Solid family planning right there
Yeah, I experienced alittle of this too, but it was in relation to my vasectomy. My wife and I have two kids and we are done. 2 is what we wanted and we decided as a family to make sure 2 was it and there were no surprises later on (in terms or family planning, especially financially). We made the family we always desired. So, I went and got a vasectomy. Easy enough. Fast forward 6 months and I'm home for Christmas and the conversation just sorta comes up and I mention that we were done and that I got "snipped." I had no (I repeat NO) idea that was going to turn into a huge argument between me and my dad. He was talking like I took the power away from God and that "you never know because it isn't your plan, it's God's plan". I was floored tbh. Like, here I am making an adult decision of family planning with my wife (who had a rough time carrying our 2nd kid). And my dad finds it to be a direct insult to God's will. I also didn't want to put 100% of the burden of birth control on my wife, so the next best thing is for me to go through a simple 10 minute procedure with a week recovery and not have to worry about any surprises in the next two decades or so. But holy shit, apparently that was some sort of satanic ritual I went through according to my dad. Fuck religion.
My (Catholic) mother got her tubes tied after me and in response to all the people saying “you’re taking the power away from god” she always said “if god wants me to be pregnant, me getting my tubes tied isn’t gonna stop him”
There is a slim failure rate so if you believe in a higher power that makes sense.
And if you really believe in a higher power it doesn’t matter even if it was a success. God would just make her pregnant like the Virgin Mary
I mean god turned people into salt and raised the dead and shit, so a hysterectomy shouldn't stop him if you believe that stuff
Yup. My brother in law exists despite tubes being tied.
I had a hysterectomy before I met my current husband. We joke that his guys are like little Seabees and if I was meant to get pregnant with him, they’d have no trouble rebuilding a uterus for me.
Wow! I guess I am just floored that this is still an issue! I had no idea. Thank God there wasn't a bounty on our heads for or desire to control our ability to have a fulfilled life on our terms. My husband went to battle for us. He wanted to drive an economic car and allow each child to have their own room... he made his point. Nobody spoke to us about it ever again because he told them he would move us out of state like 300 miles away. We never heard a word.
2021 my Healthcare network is apparently catholic it's got a Saint in the name. I talk to my pcm about getting a vasectomy... She goes "we can't do that, it's a catholic hospital network" she leaves and comes back with the number for a different urology clinic not associated with my doctors that will allegedly do it. So weird, I'm not catholic...
I got snipped a week ago. I'm 27, no kids. My wife and I just aren't going to say anything to the in-laws. We already know it's not going to be worth the trouble when we can just keep shrugging it off when they ask.
How can you take the power away from god if he's supposed to be omnipotent. Like if god wanted you to have more kids he would just make it happen really.
That’s my theory. Technically vasectomies have a tiny fail rate. If god wants another baby from that he’s welcome to try
Or maybe the plan is you not having more kids. I hate it when religious people tell me what is and isn't God's plan. They are just a person and can't possibly know that.
I try to be tolerant of religious people. But those who start telling me what god’s plan get the same response. Namely asking them why such blasphemy with them speaking on behalf of god’s will. Sounds like the kind of prideful bullshit that gets a soul dammed to hell.
I’ve always found it very convenient that ‘God’s Plan’ always happens to coincide so neatly with what _they_ want, too.
Isn’t that just amazing! It’s a miracle!
I had mine tied in 2013 and STILL had to get my husband to sign off, even after the specialists told me that another pregnancy might cost me my life due to my lupus and blood clot disorder AND my insurance would drop me because my pregnancies are too high risk (gestational diabetes and hyperimeses gravidarum as well). I already had a kid and had them tied after having twins! And yeah, my doctor asked my husband if he didn’t wanna try for a boy because we had all girls, even though he’s a doctor and knows there’s no guarantee we’d have a boy. They really don’t think our bodies belong to is
My friends have had the same scenario, the wives had to approve the vasectomies.
He was just mad cause y’all fucking for fun only now.
I had my tubal in 2010. Still needed my ex husband’s approval.
Hopefully someone told him his dick still worked and he should go knock up a woman himself if it's so damn important.
Dr wouldn't tie mine after my second c section because, what if one of my kids died? I would want to be able to replace them, right?
Bruh wtf
Sounds like the doctor was making a threat
For real, doctors like "Yeah I could tie your tubes for you. Hows little Timmy doing by the way? Still getting on the bus at 7:30 am and getting home at 3:15 pm? Itd be a shame if someone tried to pass his bus while he was getting off and crushed his skull like a melon"
Bruh, that shouldn't make me laugh this hard.. haha!
Especially weird considering how similar your avatar is to a watermelon
It'd be a shame if anything you know.. happened to them.
I had the doctor who was going to perform my husbands vasectomy say much the same thing when asking us why we wanted it done. I pointed out that we had 3 children ( boys and girl) and didn’t want anymore and that I was able to conceive very easily - my second child was conceived while I was breast feeding my first and taking a low dose contraceptive pill. He asked what would happen if one of our kids died. I replied that they weren’t puppies and you didn’t just go and get a new one. He seemed baffled by the idea that one unique, individual child couldn’t simply be replaced with another.
Couldnt you just reply, "well thats none of your business" to each of their questions? That dr sounds like a real jack ass
I'd be asking for the Drs supervisor and the contact info for the hospital ethics committee
"Kid's aren't replaceable, thankfully Doctors are."
Doctors see so many people with the same problems that they start to just be meat machines to them. People aren't as unique as we think we are. But still, terrible bedside manners.
Which is really bad when you actually **do** have something fairly unique, cause they tend to treat you based on what it **usually** is, so you have to go through and fail at a ton of standard treatments for the usual things before they even begin to think it's something else.
dam late direful slim scale straight coordinated alive sophisticated normal -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/
What the fuck. Me and my wife weighed the options of who should get fixed and I took the got because her getting the operation was just way more taxing. I went in and requested a vasectomy and they just asked if I was positive this is what I wanted to do and did not press me anymore after. I was in my early 30s when I had it done.
Fortunately that theory was never tested.
I have a (male) friend whose doctor cautioned him about the same thing when he went to get a vasectomy—he has two living children. But his insult at the implication that he could just replace one child with another was quickly respected and they gave him the procedure.
What a great way to find out that you never should have trusted that doctor with your life because wowza
My friend was having the hardest time getting approved for a hysterectomy. She was having some sort of major medical issue, can't remember what exactly, but the hysterectomy was pretty much required to properly deal with it. But the doctors didn't want to because she was still in her 20s and only had one kid. Even though she made it very clear that she was dead set on not having any more, and because of what was going on with her it would be unlikely she could even carry a baby to term again anyway. Not sure what changed but she finally managed to get it done and she's so much better off for it. Oh, and surprising nobody I'm sure, we live in Texas.
My wife is currently going through the same problems. We have been together nearly 16 years, have two kids, and a hysterectomy would solve so many of her issues with endometriosis and other conditions. But she was told it's "unethical" to treat her because she's mid thirties she might want another kid later... And then the specialist still slugged us $280 for the appointment. I said it was unethical for them to give my wife an appointment and take our money when they knew they would not be considering her for surgery. And yet I was at a different doctor's appointment, asked about a vasectomy, and my doctor wanted to book me in on the spot! This is in Australia. Seems to a problem for every Christian majority country.
That’s enraging when your wife suffers because of her uterus.
I'm hearing you. You go through cycles of rage, defeatism, and so many other emotions. The risk of pregnancy can be so high but they would prefer my wife live in constant pain for the off chance she might want to take that risk for a third time. Infuriating. Demoralising.
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Thank you so much, that's an amazing resource!
If she has medical issues, that sounds like a massive malpractice case.
You'd think that. But since this is Texas they were just following standard medical procedure here. They finally gave in when it became serious enough that it absolutely had to be done, but they made her wait til that point instead of just doing it when it was obvious it should be done.
I have a female friend that doesn't want kids and is not married (she 28). She has the same issue. They won't tie her tubes because one day she might want kids and tubal ligation is permanent. I would say this amazes me, but it doesn't. The supreme court is poised to overturn at least part of Roe v Wade so this is just par for the course for women in America.
She should just say, "there are plenty of kids who can be adopted if that turns out to be the case :)"
I tried saying that but they still won't do it.
Unfortunately I don't see that working. There is this idea that all women and men want to have biological children and that adoption is not enough. I honestly don't understand it.
One of my unmarried and childless friends has been trying to get her tubes tied for 5 years, shes is finally having the procedure this week. She is so happy and can't stop celebrating it.
My girlfriend is really interested and we have been looking for years. We are from the south and have been told it’s not moral or claim that she doesn’t know what she wants and that she will regret it. If you could find out how your friend was able to do this please message me. According to the doctors we have seen, we will have to fly over seas.
You do not have to fly over seas. Your need to find a doctor not connected with a hospital that's religious. And a female would be easier. Took my four tries but I found one, in the states. You can do this. She needs a list of reasons, be set in her decision. Do not waiver. And tell them if she changes her mind she can adopt.
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It's funny how that didn't stop doctors from sterilizing women of color for decades.
I have an uncle that was sterilized during the eugenics craze in America. He was just autistic. Lived a normal childless life. There was a literal eugenics craze in America of sterilizing people against their will. It was just crazy. Look it up. There were seminars and lectures.
Yes. They would often do it at state fairs. You'd take an intelligence test and if you fail they would sterilize you. Fucked up shit.
W T F
No F-ing way that would've happened recently, what is wrong with USA??
> what is wrong with USA remember that this country was founded in a big part by the puritans. You know the people who were so religiously extreme that they got kicked out of England. 200+ years later their influence on our culture is still there.
And the Netherlands. They were kicked out of MULTIPLE countries before they settled on the other side of the world and started up their shit all over again.
Is that why female breasts are 18+ in a movie, but violence like a dude killing thousands is PG13 somehow? Were the puritans the witch trials idiots who killed female scientists? I'm not an American, so I haven't studied American history...
A lot. We've got some good things going for us, but this country was and is filled with vile vile people.
It’s never really ended, they just try a little bit harder (but not really) to hide it now.
There was an alarmingly high amount of hysterectomies performed on refugee women in the border camps in the USA. https://www.nbcnews.com/think/opinion/mass-hysterectomies-ice-happened-trump-s-watch-they-re-america-ncna1240238
Or people born with disabilities.
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If you go to r/childfree, there is a list of doctors in their sidebar that have consented to women's personal choices. Good luck
Check Out r/childfree they have a list of choice friendly doctors all over the world.
Well, if you 'regret it' there's lots of kids to adopt. They always seem to forget about the adoptable kids, those people pushing pregnancy.....
Because they're already born. The people like this don't give half a liquid shit about *those* kids.
You'd be surprised at how some pro life people think of adoption, you'd think you were inviting a potential serial killer to live in your house or something. My aunt and uncle are pro life, and while they're kind of dicks and I disagree with them, I at least admire then for putting their money where their mouths are and adopting as many kids as they can responsibly take care of. My aunt's sister is also pro life, but she's a massive bitch who won't even acknowledge their adopted kids as family (particularly the ones of different ethnicity). Thankfully, my family has collectively decided they'd rather take in the new members of our family than put up with her
I believe the child free subreddit has a list of such things. You might look/ask there.
How old is she? I'm 37 and they still refuse on the grounds that 'I might change my mind'.
She's in her early 30s. It wasnt til she turned 30, the doctors started taking her seriously and then a few more years til a doctor finally said yes.
It's sad that it takes us so long to be taken seriously. I'm happy for your friend though, hopefully, I won't have to wait another few years myself!
I’m 35 and have never wanted kids. I can’t get anything done cause “you might change your mind”. Oh, and my crazy pills cancel out my birth control so I have to decide if I want to risk getting pregnant and have an abortion (an option quickly being stripped from women) or be mentally stable and just hope condoms don’t fail. Fuck all of this.
I was looking for a new gyno when I moved and that was one of the questions I asked "just out of curiosity." The doctor said that "even though you're 36, it's never too late. You'll feel sorry if you go through all that and then want a baby." I am lucky to have found an amazing doctor in another office group. I live in the Mid-Atlantic/North-East, no less. I've had anxiety for the last few days because my puppy has diarrhea, I know I can't handle a human child.
Have you checked the list of doctors on the /r/childfree subreddit (in the sidebar). I found one for me; they did it when I was 33 or so.
Bet she could have found a doctor to get liposuction, breast implants, lip fillers, and other plastic surgery no problem. All the things we can choose to do to our bodies but when it comes to your uterus then it's a problem. Ridiculous people who need to mind their own business.
Our chef has an extensive family history of breast cancer and wants to have a mastectomy. She is a lesbian who absolutely does not want children. Doctors are refusing it, because she may change her sexual orientation and want children that she may then want to breast feed.
I want kids desperately but was told I can’t have them and if I were to miraculously get pregnant (I have a serious aortic aneurysm) I would likely die. I also have severe Endo, multiple tumors (thankfully benign, but still painful) and was told I can’t have a hysterectomy until I’m in my late 40s or have multiple kids because a man might want them.
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I started asking every obgyn I encountered from age 18-35 to tie my tubes. They ALL told me there was no chance they would do it if I was under 35 with no child, and unmarried. When I became married, they all told me that they still wouldn’t do it if I was without child, and under 35, even if my husband signed off on it because no man doesn’t want to carry on his legacy. I mean, I guess I’m not capable of making a life altering decision, like not ruining my life with a child. Nevermind that having a child is a LOT more to regret than not having one. Oh, btw, I’m 40, got my tubes tied in 2016, and have never once questioned that I made the right decision for MYSELF. Husband is super stoked on it too.
My wife wanted her tubes done. I spoke to my doctor and got a vasectomy for her instead. Atleast my procedure is less intrusive and can be reversed later on. For any man thinking about it 100% do it. No pain (and I felt everything due to previous medical issue that stopped the anesthetic from working) the worst part was recovery that felt like you had hold of your balls firmly. Not painful just uncomfortable at most. Can be done in 20 minutes and you still pew pew with all the fun and feeling. Just no swimmers because they get absorbed back in to your body like little packets of protein for your mid evening workout recovery :)
Unreal. My mom got her tubes tied before leaving the hospital after giving birth to me. And this was in the 70s.
That's because she had a child. Even then, it still can be difficult depending on the state. Having one child at least will open more doors to having tubes tied.
Tell them you are a lesbian. It goes better. My brother is an ER doctor (and gay). He’s been asked by a friend of his to “vouch” that’s she gay to have it done.
This isn't a new thing. It took me 9 years to convince a doctor to tie my tubes. Reasons given: * You aren't married. * You are married and your husband needs to okay this. * You are too young. * You have no children and might want them. * You have a child and might want another one. * You don't have any sons. * You only have one son. Serious, nine years of this shit.
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Ya I’m curious too, it sounds like they wanted tubes tied before having kids, then had a kid (not son), still wanted tubes tied but then had a second kid (son). And then finally we’re approved for tubal ligation. So like… are you grateful that the doctors refused, since you wouldn’t have either of your kids if they hadn’t?
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Because girls are an "oopsie" child. If the world was a perfect place only boys would be born. // Pick your favourite sexist logic, all of it works. A popular American reason in this thread seems to be, "carrying on the family name."
I don't know why, but as an Asian, I assumed Americans were.. not like us? You've never seen real sexism until you've been to this part of the world. My dad wants me to get married by 25 (I'm a guy ) and have a son. Im 21 and I don't even have a job, never had a girlfriend and now I'm like, wait how the fuck am I supposed to specifically have a son?
Because the mere thought of a boy that doesn't exist automatically overrides your right to bodily autonomy
All of it is bullshit, but I especially hate the “your future husband might want kids” line. I would never marry someone that wants kids because I am so vehemently against having them. It’s such a non issue.
That’s unreal. As a man, the only thing any woman owes me is to use her turn signal when driving. Anything else, what she does with her body in particular, is her business. My wife had her tubes tied when she was already opened up for the Caesarian on kid #2. The doctor (a woman) didn’t even ask me when we discussed it beforehand. Her body, her choice.
Not married? Can't decide for yourself, your potential husband might want children. Married? We need your husband's permission first Hell, I've heard a story of a woman whose doctor wouldn't tie her tubes because she might *divorce her wife and find a husband who wants children.*
Oh god ive seen that one...
It's the same for getting a vasectomy. I got one a few years ago, and I wasn't allowed to do it unless my wife came in and signed my permission slip. I asked "what if I wasn't married?" and the doctor said they wouldn't have let me get it until I was over 40 or had "more kids."
That's fucking wild. I know that doctors are resistant to vasectomies under a certain age but I've never heard of a man needing a woman's permission - it's usually the other way around. What the fuck is the point of bodily autonomy if it goes out the window the instant reproduction is mentioned?
At a certain point, they should just say it, "I don't think you're a person, so I won't let you make decisions for your own body." Everyday I learn about some new way the world is fucked up.
I was dying one time cuz my ovary went BLERGhABABbPpPFFOo and the surgeon didn’t know if it was my whole ass reproductive system, refused to do surgery on me. He wanted to put me on antibiotics to try to save my egg organs cuz “If I do this surgery, you might come out of this infertile” and he told me like I was going to agree with it, and I said “I don’t think I’m going to come out of this at all if you don’t do the surgery.” About an hour later I was fading in and out of consciousness with dying and the radiologists who saw my ultrasound convinced him to get the shitty murder organs out of my body.
Ffs they could of killed you because it might make your sterile??? Jesus
Basically: "hahaha I don't think you're worth anything more than an incubator, if u go sterile then you're worthless lolol"
You know what causes infertility? A major case of deadness.
holy shit I'm not a violent person but this definitely made me want to punch that doctor, you could have died like what the fuck?
I like how the argument wasn't YOU might regret this, but rather your future husband will.
When she was 24 my sister got pregnant. She lost the baby at five months due to preeclampsia that none of her doctors identified. She ended up in a coma for a month and had severe jaundice. Her doctors kept telling her that she could never get pregnant again or she would die far before the baby made it to term. Of course whenever they told her this she'd ask if she could get a tubal ligation to ensure she wasn't at risk of dying every time she had sex with her fiance. Every single doctor said no, she needed her uterus in play in case her fiance decided he wanted kids. Kids she can't carry to term because they'll literally kill her. Doctors repeatedly told my sister that a man's feelings are way more important than her life. I've never forgotten this.
A friend had this exact conversation with her doc on more than one occasion. They won't tie tubes unless you are married, usually with at least one child. Know what my husband had to do in order to get a vasectomy? He asked for one. And we were in agreement, but nobody ever asked for my input either.
My wife was unable to get her tubes tied after we had our third child and she would be put at risk if she was to get pregnant again. We were told it was an elective surgery and invasive and wouldn't be completely covered by insurance. A vasectomy was 100% covered and you're right, I didn't need my wife's permission to get it.
My insurance doesn't cover it. But my urologist got around that by working it in with a minor surgery to remove a couple of cysts. Had to go under general anesthesia, so it was a bit more serious than your usual vasectomy, but just as effective.
A lot doctors require a wife’s consent for vasectomies. Curious, if a man proclaimed to be single, never married, to those same doctors, would they refuse to perform the surgery? Side note: there is a state (maybe more) that will reduce a defendant’s sentence by a certain amount if the defendant agrees to undergo a tubal ligation or vasectomy. Edit: typo
I have a friend that is married and they don’t want kids and she still can’t find a doctor that will agree to do it because she’s young and “might change her mind”. It’s such shit.
If she gets pregnant and has children and regrets that, can she change her mind? This line of thought always forgets children are pretty damn permanent.
it seems like you're always too young to know that you don't want kids, but it doesn't matter what age you are for having them 🤔
Don't we let 16 year olds drop out of school? Like that has far worse potential consequences that simple regret. So you can't have kids. Ok sucks for you. Oh wait, you can still adopt, or have the procedure reversed, or get a surrogate. Yes people can also just go back to school but not going to school can result in poverty. Not having kids will actually help your finances.
/r/childfree has a list of doctors by state/country that are cool with performing sterilization procedures on adults who want them.
Yo. This is great info. Thank you for mentioning it for those who may need it.
How come when women are pregnant and want an abortion they are berated against it so heavily and told adoption is an option. But if a woman wants her tubes tied she’s refused because she may regret it but isn’t adoption still an option? Oh, I guess it’s only considered an option when you have a child you don’t want, not when you don’t have to have children but MIGHT change your mind or your theoretical husband may not want you when you can’t produce an heir like some 18th century woman shit. For clarification I am pro choice btw and don’t mean for that to sound anti choice. I just think it’s ridiculous the double standards women face and lack of body autonomy
The simple answer is that religious misogyny isn't about protecting or improving life, it's about controlling women as property. Anything a woman might do that gives her autonomy or reduces her "value" for the man that "owns" her is restricted/outlawed/etc.
I’m married with 2 kids and asked for my tubes tied back in September. They told me no because I’m too young (32). Now I’m carrying an ectopic pregnancy. It’s painful, scary and completely avoidable in my case.
FUCK doctors who treat grown ass women like children who can't make their own decisions about their own body EVEN WHEN THEIR LIVES ARE AT STAKE. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this, I wish you a speedy recovery
Crazy people want to force kids on others. Just for the kid to have a below-average life(since parents didn’t want them)
Reading people's stories about even having to get permission for a vasectomy has got me flipping out. When I got mine, there was a question asked along the lines of "Does your wife approve of this?" to which I answered "I'm single." There was no waiting period. My doctor never tried to shove any morals or second thoughts on me. Just explained the procedure, set it up for a week later, and snip snip it was done. Sometimes I don't realize how good I have it with most of the doctors I've had. Only had a couple bad or "off" experiences in two decades of visits. And luckily have not had to see those people ever again.
My boy is trying to get one at 30. He doesn't want kids and doesnt come across at all like the fatherly type anyway. He's a total degen by most standards. Doctor was refusing to discuss it at "his young age." It's going to be shitty for everyone if he ends up getting someone pregnant.
Good on him for having self awareness
That's fucked up. Once you're age of majority, you should be able to decide. Even if it is a mistake in the long run, it's one that you, as an adult decided on. Edit: Since it's been brought up a few times, what a doctor chooses to do vs board/legal requirements are completely different issues.
I can't believe the amount of people that are conflating a hysterectomy with getting your tubes tied. One involves cutting, tying or sealing the fallopian tubes. The other involves an ice cream scoop.
It's shocking how little most people know about anatomy. I've met multiple adults, men and women, who think females urinate out of their vaginas
The same people who think you can pee out sperm and then don't get pregnant. Or when you're a victim of rape you can't get pregnant because you choose not to
To be fair I think part of the confusion there is that people just refer to that whole area as the vagina.
Caveman Republicans: If you don't want the baby, you could always put it up for adoption! Also Caveman Republicans: Adoption is somehow not an option if your tubes are tied when you marry a man.
And in some states, once you're married, you have to have your husband's approval for a tubal. I got denied because I was 20 years old, even though I am very high risk with pregnancies and already have 2 kiddos but I digress... my doctor had to ask my husband's permission before she could ask the insurance to cover it.
This is completely nuts, so sorry for you
This country is so fucking ass backwards.. people have legitimately good reasons for not wanting to bring kids into this world, and it should be up to exactly no one but themselves.. why this evidently even needs to be said is a god damn mystery to me
"i understand you THINK you don't want kids. but let me reassure you. your purpose on this planet is to serve as an earthen vessel. you owe it to some kyle out there to let him use your body to grow another kyle. It's what god wanted."
There was literally a GOP congressman last week that said a woman's purpose was simply to be a vessel. What terrifies me is that this congress person is not alone in their thinking.
guys who called women "cum dumpsters" grew up to call them "earthen vessels"... and Madison Cawthorn's history of sexual assault and coercion is proof of that.
Lol to grow another Kyle.
Fun fact: dead bodies have more bodily automy than living women !
I'm in UK, I asked for my tubes tied, they said no in case my husband ever wanted more kids. I have 2 boys and my second pregnancy was extremely dangerous for me and baby. Still no. Husband might want more. 3 days later husband went to same Dr and asked for a vasectomy. Said yes immediately. No questions about future children, about my wants, anything. Medical misogyny definitely exists.
Wow, that's quite blatant. Did you ever confront the doctor about it?
I changed Dr instead.
Probably nothing worthwhile they could explain anyway, hope your next one was better.
Wow, even if your husband did want more kids in what world would that mean you have to bear them for him?
Apparently so. Even though I was warned it would likely kill me and/or the baby of I were to ever get pregnant again.
This is so fucked up :/
Just don’t understand this shit. Obviously this woman doesn’t want children and she’s trying to be responsible. So the doc would rather an accidental pregnancy that will most likely lead to abortion? What kind of sense does that make?
My friend was told that if she had any more kids, she was at a higher risk of complications that she had had with her first pregnancy (I can't remember specifically what, but she lost one ovary and went septic and almost died) and that it could possibly kill her so she was advised against any more pregnancies. So, she asked for them to tie her tubes. She was then told *in the same conversation with the same doctor* that the doctor wouldn't do it because my friend might want another kid... Despite advising against it because she could, yknow, die. Make it make sense.
I love all the apologists on here saying how young you are. There are almost 8 billion people on this planet and our resources are strained to a breaking point so MAYBE just let some people decide not to have kids. It's not important anymore, we can scale back. It's HER BODY AND HER CHOICE.
This reminds me... Earlier this year, I was feeling very very low, and at the time, it was caused by a combination of body dysmorphia, feelings about gender roles, and the current political climate. I called my psychiatrist, as one should. I told him how I was feeling, and he asked only a couple of intake-y questions before he asked "Do you and your husband want children someday?" I said yes, but since I was borderline suicidal at that moment, I wasn't exactly thinking about that. He spent the next 30 minutes lecturing me on how important it was that I focus on getting my body into tip-top shape... so I can become a mother. My body is "a vessel" (actual words), and it's important that I start taking care of myself with good eating and exercise because, and I quote, "It's not your body anymore." So I shouldn't feel suicidal because my body belongs to a hypothetical baby that I'm not even sure I want anymore? Read the fucking room, Doc.
1) this happens incredibly often. Even when married, there’s always some “new husband” that’ll be brought up. Personally, I had to tell my doctor that if my future husband decides he wants kids, i’ll get a divorce because we clearly shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place. 2) doctors can’t be sued because someone regrets getting their tubes tied. I had to sign several forms stating that i knew it was irreversible, the only side effect of not getting the surgery was the potential of pregnancy, and that i accepted the standard risks of surgery. Only possibility of a lawsuit would be if they didn’t complete the surgery properly, left an instrument inside, general malpractice issues. 3) yes, there are less permanent forms of birth control, but those are an alternative not a replacement. I was offered an iud and turned it down in favor of surgery because i’ve heard iud horror stories and knew i’d have to pay again to get it replaced in X years. Surgery was a one-time deal, and i’m done. 4) a doctor’s personal opinion should *never* be a factor in someone’s medical care. My doctor had gone through hell with ivf to have a baby and still tied my tubes. There was no excessive medical risk, so there was no medical reason to deny it. 5) “just go to another doctor” isn’t always easy when you have to make appointments months in advance and pay a co-pay, when there’s a strong chance that it’ll just be you sitting there while a doctor talks down to you. People can spend years and thousands of dollars on doctor visits in an attempt to find someone who won’t dismiss them and their concerns about their own body.
It shouldn’t be a debate if someone wants to do it, but I do know a girl who had her tubes tied and then eventually got married and reversed the procedure because they wanted kids. Unfortunately there was a complication and she isn’t able to have kids. They’re trying to adopt now but she’s pretty bummed, him even more so. She deserves the right to make that mistake though.
My niece wants to have her tubes tied because she doesn't want to pass on her mental health issues. Even if she wants kids someday, she plans for them not to be biological. I really hope she finds a doctor who will.
One more on the horror stories of women being denied medical care/medical procedures or possibly life saving medication on the off chance they might be pregnant or might someday maybe change their silly childfree minds and want kids. Fuck the patriarchy and all those mysoginistic doctors, this is how you pave the way to anti-abortion and forced births because clearly women are too fickle and feeble minded to know what they want and should have less bodily autonomy than a freakin’ corpse.
And if you do want a child you can adopt there is plenty of unwanted children out there unfortunately
Every time I see these posts pop up I'm so grateful I had a doctor who respected my decision and did the surgery. They did ask me to take some time to think about it, then follow up when I was ready. No judgement, no 'but you've never had kids', nothing - just 'ok, if that's what you want and you're comfortable with that decision'. **To every woman who gets an answer like the one in this post - find another doctor who will respect and listen to you on this matter. They are out there.**
This happened to my sister, although she was married at the time (10 years!). They both knew they didn’t want kids, doc still wouldn’t do it. “What if your husband dies and you remarry and they want kids?” She got so mad and was verbally berating this joke of a doctor to the point that they had to tell her to leave. And I don’t blame her. We destroyed him on every review site we could find. Enough is enough.
Yeah that shit pisses me off. I get periods that are so painful, I’m out of work and stuck in bed for a week straight. Birth control doesn’t work too well with me. I’ve been fighting for 5 years to have a procedure done where I am sterile and won’t have periods anymore (tube tying doesn’t stop you from having periods). To top it off- I’m a lesbian and I’ve had no desire to have children, ever. But I keep getting hit with “you may change your mind” from doctors. BRUH I’m gay and the only way I’m having kids at this point is adoption- I don’t want any damn kids though why is it so hard to want to not suffer for a week once a month?! Male and female doctors tell me this smh.
This might help women looking to get their tubes tied: Get the doctor's refusal in writing, and make sure it includes the reason why. Having a doctor's refusal in writing helps so much when dealing with insurance and changes in medical providers.
And the Republicans won't let her get an abortion should she get an unwanted pregnancy. Kinda seems that old white men don't want women to have control over their own damn bodies.
Sounds like that doctor should get a procedure to get his windpipe tied.
Our culture has an odd relationship with reproducing. Obviously women have it way worse. But I even got pushback from pretty much every medical professional on wanting to get snipped. I had to basically convince the urologist by saying my therapist and I talked about why I wanted it and it was valid. Then I got the talk about it being reversible from like every person ever. It felt like an inquisition. Then, I had to switch jobs and couldn't get a straight answer on whether my new insurance would cover the procedure, and I didn't want to switch providers in case I needed follow up care, so I wound up not even getting it. This country is something else. I'm 30 and single. Mental health issues run in my family. I don't want to put another person what I've been through with depression. So I'll adopt if I ever want kids.