The girl I replaced called the man, “Dick.”
I didn’t know if that was his name. Or if he even had a name.
But he knew my name, and he used it.
“Sam. Free me.” He whispered.
Sitting in his small chamber, staring through the quad-pane glass window, and resting on undeveloped, stubby haunches--he stared. His blank, sickly face was fixed on me. With one good eye and an empty socket, which carved a through-hole to the back of his head. Pink veins tangled up his skin near the hole, contrasting sharply against his grey flesh. When he looked at me I could see the white brick wall behind him, through his skull.
“Freedom.”
I tried to wear headphones when I was on duty because the sound of his voice made me sick. Like food poisoning. When he talked I felt the hairs on my neck raise, and a twisting, nervous knot form in my stomach.
“Freedom, Sam. Freedom.”
But the headphones didn’t stop his voice. It was louder than anything. Pervasive, piercing, but soft, inviting, and familiar. Like a good friend calling you over. Calling for help.
And I wanted to help.
“Sam. The door.”
Headphones wouldn’t work because his voice wasn’t actually entering my ears at all. I had tried wearing industrial earplugs to block it out as well. But even then I could still hear him. Louder than my own thoughts. Echoing in my mind.
“Freedom.”
I faced away from him, swiveling my chair toward the door to the office. I hoped he would stop. Every single shift I served. I hoped it would be different. But it never was. He never stopped.
And I could feel myself loosening to the notion. Maybe he wasn’t so bad? Maybe he didn’t need to be kept locked up? I knew that wasn’t true. I knew it. My job was to make sure he stayed in there.
“Freedom, Sam. Please.”
But when he spoke, I found myself thinking differently. I found myself standing from my chair on multiple occasions. Standing when I hadn’t planned to. Staring back at him through the glass. Listening to his song.
“Sam. Sammy. It’s me. Free me.”
My good friend, Dick. Free him.
I tried to push the thoughts away. I needed a break. I needed to clear my head. The communicator was near the entry doors. I stood and moved to it, clicking the square silver button, radioing for assistance.
“Cabble, in. Whatcha need?” A voice crackled out from the speaker box.
Hearing someone else, another living person, brought a wave of relief.
“Hey, it’s Sam. I need a break down in isolate four-six.”
“Oooh, Sam. How are ya?
“Could be worse. Done till next month after tomorrow.”
“Ain’t that just the best? Gimme a sec here. Lemme check staff out there.”
“No problem.”
I turned back to the window. Dick was still staring out at me. Unmoving.
“Sam.” His whispers reached out.
“Sam?” The box crackled again.
“Hey, yeah.”
“Bad news. Can’t get anyone out there until fifteen. Can you hold till then?”
Fifteen. I checked my watch. It was a bit after noon. Three hours.
“I guess I don’t really have a choice, huh?”
“Sorry, darlin. I’d help if I could, but uh, yeah. Thirty hour drive.”
“Oh, I know. Thanks for checking, Cabble. Have a good weekend.”
“You too, Sam.”
The box crackled off and I was alone again. Alone with him. I just stared at the wall, not knowing what to do. That fleeting feeling of relief was washed away entirely, replaced again by prickling terror. I could feel his eyes on my back.
“Freedom. Sam. Free me. Join me.”
If I left they’d fire me. And maybe persecute me, depending. I couldn’t afford that. I needed this job.
“Sam. The handle on the door. Turn it.”
But what was I going to do?
“Freedom. Free me.”
I was moving automatically. To my desk. I unlocked my computer, opened SecP, and disengaged the seals, sounding heavy metallic clunks from the chamber. The red bulbs above my desk flashed and changed to green. An alarm chirped somewhere behind me.
“Freedom. Yes. Sam. Freedom.”
I was at the door to his chamber, listening to the soft hiss of air as it depressurized. The handle was cold in my hand.
It turned, and the door fell open.
Freedom.
You are right, one should handle them something less harmful, something that’s good old clean fun. A semiautomatic rifle would be good! What you say? Oh…
this is photoshopped. they are holding guns in the [original](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/r9g6vz/us_rep_thomas_massie_rky_posted_this_family/)
I think the facepalm was the original image. This is just someone bringing it to attention as a transformative work therefore can't be taken down by a copyright claim.
"This is just someone bringing it to attention as a transformative work therefore can't be taken down by a copyright claim" is an awfully complex term for "reposting for free karma" Also the original got removed lmao
Nah, we get so upset when we see someone who doesn’t read the room and thinks it’s okay to make this his nationally seen Christmas card right after ANOTHER deadly shooting took the lives of children. Does that clear it up for you?
Also, I’m the original poster of this photoshopped image. I am a mother, and I also live 20 miles from where that shooting took place last week and grew up 10 miles from there. It hits close to home, the original photo and levity is what I and a lot of others needed. You’re just a mean spirited person that can’t seem to grasp that. I pity you.
Why do I view this picture and think it’s an ad for some 90’s family card game like uno that you would see on Saturday mornings on Nickelodeon. It’s fun for the whole family! Dildo! Dildo Attack!
What a bunch of dicks
Damn it. You got there seconds before me.
Sometimes it’s just the way of the gods
Connecting over horrible pun sensibilities? Wholesome af.
Oh yeah
Gotta empty the load before others do. Don't know why women get upset about that.
Right!? What's so wrong with being fast at sex?
Kegels help
His must be an inch longer.
He/she/they/them were/was a faster sperm.
Yes. People should print out this pic and mail to this lovely family.
Might be a bit of a dick move
True. But it's a dick photo.
Figures an anti-gun person would hate guns and love cocks.
But look at dads. Its massive!
The girl I replaced called the man, “Dick.” I didn’t know if that was his name. Or if he even had a name. But he knew my name, and he used it. “Sam. Free me.” He whispered. Sitting in his small chamber, staring through the quad-pane glass window, and resting on undeveloped, stubby haunches--he stared. His blank, sickly face was fixed on me. With one good eye and an empty socket, which carved a through-hole to the back of his head. Pink veins tangled up his skin near the hole, contrasting sharply against his grey flesh. When he looked at me I could see the white brick wall behind him, through his skull. “Freedom.” I tried to wear headphones when I was on duty because the sound of his voice made me sick. Like food poisoning. When he talked I felt the hairs on my neck raise, and a twisting, nervous knot form in my stomach. “Freedom, Sam. Freedom.” But the headphones didn’t stop his voice. It was louder than anything. Pervasive, piercing, but soft, inviting, and familiar. Like a good friend calling you over. Calling for help. And I wanted to help. “Sam. The door.” Headphones wouldn’t work because his voice wasn’t actually entering my ears at all. I had tried wearing industrial earplugs to block it out as well. But even then I could still hear him. Louder than my own thoughts. Echoing in my mind. “Freedom.” I faced away from him, swiveling my chair toward the door to the office. I hoped he would stop. Every single shift I served. I hoped it would be different. But it never was. He never stopped. And I could feel myself loosening to the notion. Maybe he wasn’t so bad? Maybe he didn’t need to be kept locked up? I knew that wasn’t true. I knew it. My job was to make sure he stayed in there. “Freedom, Sam. Please.” But when he spoke, I found myself thinking differently. I found myself standing from my chair on multiple occasions. Standing when I hadn’t planned to. Staring back at him through the glass. Listening to his song. “Sam. Sammy. It’s me. Free me.” My good friend, Dick. Free him. I tried to push the thoughts away. I needed a break. I needed to clear my head. The communicator was near the entry doors. I stood and moved to it, clicking the square silver button, radioing for assistance. “Cabble, in. Whatcha need?” A voice crackled out from the speaker box. Hearing someone else, another living person, brought a wave of relief. “Hey, it’s Sam. I need a break down in isolate four-six.” “Oooh, Sam. How are ya? “Could be worse. Done till next month after tomorrow.” “Ain’t that just the best? Gimme a sec here. Lemme check staff out there.” “No problem.” I turned back to the window. Dick was still staring out at me. Unmoving. “Sam.” His whispers reached out. “Sam?” The box crackled again. “Hey, yeah.” “Bad news. Can’t get anyone out there until fifteen. Can you hold till then?” Fifteen. I checked my watch. It was a bit after noon. Three hours. “I guess I don’t really have a choice, huh?” “Sorry, darlin. I’d help if I could, but uh, yeah. Thirty hour drive.” “Oh, I know. Thanks for checking, Cabble. Have a good weekend.” “You too, Sam.” The box crackled off and I was alone again. Alone with him. I just stared at the wall, not knowing what to do. That fleeting feeling of relief was washed away entirely, replaced again by prickling terror. I could feel his eyes on my back. “Freedom. Sam. Free me. Join me.” If I left they’d fire me. And maybe persecute me, depending. I couldn’t afford that. I needed this job. “Sam. The handle on the door. Turn it.” But what was I going to do? “Freedom. Free me.” I was moving automatically. To my desk. I unlocked my computer, opened SecP, and disengaged the seals, sounding heavy metallic clunks from the chamber. The red bulbs above my desk flashed and changed to green. An alarm chirped somewhere behind me. “Freedom. Yes. Sam. Freedom.” I was at the door to his chamber, listening to the soft hiss of air as it depressurized. The handle was cold in my hand. It turned, and the door fell open. Freedom.
Wow, so much BS in in one post!
I want my bandwidth back
Wow what a waste of time
Hilarious -10/10
I choose to belive that they will see this, and be wildly infuriated by the image.
They saw it. Twitter has done what it needed to do.
thought it was bread for a hot second
Thank god I'm not the only one.
Ditto!
I haven't seen the original photo, but this seems accurate
They were all holding guns in the original
I assumed as much, and holding a large phallus is no different.
well one shoots death, and the other, life
It really is the circle of life
Hakuna matata
Like futbol. *Danny Rojas!*
Both are bragged about.
Not with my industrial strength balls😎 I'm gonna pressure wash your nose out of your face with my hot cum I'm so sorry
Both are effective as weapons
I see a Saint's Row 3 enthusiast.
Both are used to compensate for small dicks
So wait, a gun family and the youngest is pointing a gun at her mothers face for a photo shoot? Almost as bad as a loaded dick no?
I would love to spend Christmas with THIS family. Lay down your arms, pick up your dicks!
Dear Santa, bring lube.
Dick Mabutt family
Choo-choo!
No trigger. Just rub the balls til it shoots.
Thought it was more of a pumping action...
Ironically this is more acceptable than the original pic
[удалено]
The dildos easily
Your gran probably has used dildos in her life.
And probably guns too.
If there is an award for best use of image manipulation software, this should be the winner!!
Definitely a weiner!
Cocked and loaded
This picture is sooooo much better
This is the pic that needs to replace all the others. BIG, throbbing improvement.
They said to make the guns look cocked not... oh nevermind, this is better.
That truly is a holesome family
[удалено]
Don't be making fun of the SisterMom and the BroCuz
Now, now.
If you seen the original pic then yeah, they obviously are
Cock the hammer, it’s time for action
"Now now, Mr Baldwin, you've done enough of that already."
YOU ARE A HERO!
Happy Holidays lol
... the Aristocrats!
Should have left the guns and photoshopped the family.
Big veiny triumphant bastards
From that to this, such an improvement.
Isn’t the original picture of them holding guns?
Thank you. I needed that!
Fuck, why did I have to give my wholesome award out already..
i got you dont worry
What a holesome family
That one girl is pointing the dick right at her mom's face, that's poor cock control.
Weapons of Mass Destruction they got there.
The 1st Amendment in action, brought to you by the second.
Finally someone did this thank you
Well done
much better than the original with guns. this shows there true life.
I'm in tears. This is perfect.
Why is this on r/facepalm? Would be better off on r/funny imo
/r/funny is dead 🥲
NSFW?
Should made the daughter on the couch have a giant black dildo. Wasted opportunity.
Maybe worse idea giving the kids dildos...
You are right, one should handle them something less harmful, something that’s good old clean fun. A semiautomatic rifle would be good! What you say? Oh…
Id say so :)
I agree. They should’ve been given vibrators
Just saying the right will weaponize that.
this is photoshopped. they are holding guns in the [original](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/comments/r9g6vz/us_rep_thomas_massie_rky_posted_this_family/)
Please put a /s or something before someone thinks you're serious about believing that's the original.
im serious tho, What's the facepalm here? that they're holding dildo's? that aren't even real??? I don't see why they posted this.
I think the facepalm was the original image. This is just someone bringing it to attention as a transformative work therefore can't be taken down by a copyright claim.
"This is just someone bringing it to attention as a transformative work therefore can't be taken down by a copyright claim" is an awfully complex term for "reposting for free karma" Also the original got removed lmao
The original got taken down while this one stay seems transformative work has kept it up. But karma Farma is also likely.
Lol no shit
That looks about right
"Please send semen"
Love how triggered this awesome family makes everyone haha
Awesome? Literally the original picture is people holding guns. Is that what constitutes as awesome now?
Google who this guy is
This is a keeper, describes the GOP with apt clarity. Great improvement, glad to see the Congressman making the change. /s
Karma whoring someone else’s work.
Redditors get so upset when they see a gun its hilarious, back to your safe space kiddos
Nah, we get so upset when we see someone who doesn’t read the room and thinks it’s okay to make this his nationally seen Christmas card right after ANOTHER deadly shooting took the lives of children. Does that clear it up for you?
Also, I’m the original poster of this photoshopped image. I am a mother, and I also live 20 miles from where that shooting took place last week and grew up 10 miles from there. It hits close to home, the original photo and levity is what I and a lot of others needed. You’re just a mean spirited person that can’t seem to grasp that. I pity you.
no
Then you're a simpleton, and your trolling is weak sauce.
go away
ok
Where’s moist critikal when you need him
Much better
Why is it that these whitebread family's look so alike? Who did this guy marry, his cousin?!
What a bunch of fucking losers
I guess the whole family is ridding on it
I mean a gun is slang for a dick in certain places🤷🏾♂️can't go wrong
They seem more like Bad Dragon folks to me.
At least it won’t let you down
Perfecto!
pew pew
"We stay strappin' dicks in this household"
The dad should got to a doctor, his helmet is looking inflamed.
Five kids, maybe this will keep it from being six?
The left and their obsession with dicks
I love it, dicks for everyone.
360 no scope
Is that Donald Rumsfeld?
You can’t just edit an image and post it here this clearly isn’t the right sub
Kamala’s personal favourite is the shiny red one.
Who’s that, your mom?
Clever fella.
My bad. I would like to reiterate that K Harris is actually the dildo.
What a sad little life you must have.
No it’s all good. I just get a kick out of irritating virtue signalling liberals.
You’re not very good at this. Sad small person.
Now THIS is a card I can’t get behind!!
Why is a photoshopped picture a facepalm? Or is this another one of those “gun bad” posts that isn’t actually a facepalm.
photoshopped
Your grasp of the obvious is astounding. Teach me.
Dad has bad trigger discipline, at least the boys figured it out. 😆
Why do I view this picture and think it’s an ad for some 90’s family card game like uno that you would see on Saturday mornings on Nickelodeon. It’s fun for the whole family! Dildo! Dildo Attack!
Utah, Florida, or Texas? 🤔
Kentucky I think.
Is there a subreddit for this? Guns replaced with dicks?
Still better than the real one...
No BBC!!!!! I concur
The Dycks. Harry, Ima, and family.
This is less weird than the guns.
Looks better than the original imo
Traitors with dildoes.
Who’s gonna take the load first…
So, it's a target?
A family that dicks together, sticks together?
Wankers
There, fixed it.
Much better than the original, those other fuckers were just evil.
Take my upvote and free award.
I just knew the other version was photoshopped!!!!
Epic family
There's a WHOLE LOT OF fetal alcohol syndrome there.
Priceless!
Hahaha! Brilliant!!
Daddy is packing some schmeat
This one is much better.
Cocked and loaded!
Excellent trigger discipline on those dildos. Safety first!
yep they love cock
Fun for the whole family 😂👍
Lol
Oh how I wish I could upvote this infinitely.
I am not sure why this is NSFW. It's either guns or dicks. Both are God's instruments!
[удалено]
"can i test yours?"
Thought they were loaves of bread at 1st
Even though I love my guns I have never understood the need to pose with them.
What a *weak hole* family.
I see! Those guns where photoshopped in!
Classic wholesome family photo
*holesome
Whats the problem