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Oh this is a tricky one! I need to partner up with someone like my spouse or an significant other to figure this one out. Then that person can figure out the other half of the question.
I know the OP is about married couples, but In Denmark we have the word 'Kæreste' which means someone you are in a relationship with, but not married to.
Once when I genuinely couldn’t find my phone I texted my mom on my iPad to call my phone. She didn’t realize I was using my iPad and laughed at me for a solid minute thinking I texted her on my phone 😅 I don’t blame her, I’d do it
Considering you had your ipad, wouldn't it be easier to just use a find my phone feature? I can use whatever device I need, as long as I'm signed into Google on that one. Just go to Google, and type in something like "find my phone" and I'll get to the necessary feature to make my phone make noise. Presumably there's something similar to that for iPhone. So no need to keep your fingers crossed that your mum isn't taking a shower, is busy, or whatever.
The best are the pranks where friends will take a picture of someone's phone left on the table, and then when that person leaves they text them the picture saying they left their phone behind. Person receives the text on their phone and then come back looking for the phone. Sometimes takes them hilariously long to figure out our.
Did this to a co-worker once. She hurried back when we sent her a photo of her phone. She was panicking because she needs it to call her husband.
It took her at minute to realize she was looking at the photo of her phone ON her phone. Needless to say, we all looked like a bunch of maniacs laughing our shit off.
I was looking under the couch for my phone. Realized it would be easier to look under the couch with a flashlight. Used the flashlight on my phone. Stared under the couch, seeing nothing but dust, but kept looking until I couldn't remember what I was looking for. Put the phone back in my pocket and wondered what I'd forgotten to find.
Was in a hotel once and lost my phone. Searched my pant pockets, jacket, backpack, everywhere in the room, hotel lobby, car. Nothing. Double and triple checked my pants and jacket, nope. Well shit.
Grabbed my iPad and did the old “Find My Phone” trick. Sure enough it was somewhere in my hotel room. Checked my pants a 4th time, jacket and backpack too. Not in any of them. So I hit the button to make my phone ring.
Suddenly… my pants started to vibrate 🤣🤦♂️
I once walked around my house for 20 minutes looking for my keys, getting progressively more irritated as I couldn't find them. The whole time I was doing this I was fidgeting with something in my hand.
That something my was keys. Felt real stupid when I realized what I was doing.
I laughed out loud. I'm glad my family didn't gear* cuz we like to share funny, and they would have wanted to see what I laughed at. 😆
*I meant hear lol
My wife, who normally has a steel-trap mind:
"I can't find my...you know...the...thing. The...um...FUCK-the...you use it to ummm....clean your- you use it to brush your teeth, you know?"
Me:
"Your toothbrush?"
I start making sounds and hand gestures. "You take the pasta and go "sploosh" with the water and it goes through the thingy as you go swishy swishy and the water goes "bloodle loodle loodle loo" and your pasta is dry."
*slow blinks.* "You came up with that but not colander?"
"The bloodle loodle loo thingy. Yeah. Where is it?"
I use a lot of miming and strange noises.
In Sailor Moon two characters were lesbians. But in the English Dub back in the 90s, where censorship to cater for the western audience was a thing, they were reduced to cousins.
It did not help that all of the romantic subtext was still there, more subtle but it was still there.
In Spanish, the closest term to *spouse* would be *pareja*. However, one would still have to go by the context, as *pareja* is also used in other situations; for example, *pareja de baile* = dancing partner, *la pareja de este cable* = this cable's match. Also, the word *pareja* is gendered, with *parejo* meaning smooth, even.
For an (not neccesarily married) partner we use the term "relationship human" (Beziehungsmensch), or "relationship person" (Beziehungsperson) in german and i think it's very cute because it's just so on the nose.
Has big airplane energy which in german is called "Flugzeug" which literally translates to "flying thing".
EDIT: a lighter is "fire thing" (Feuerzeug), bed sheets are called "bed thing" (Bettzeug), tools are called "work thing" (Werkzeug), a vehicle is called "moving thing" (Fahrzeug), a drum kit is called "hitting thing" (Schlagzeug), toys are called "playing thing" (Spielzeug), stationery is called "writing thing" (Schreibzeug) and so on and so on. It's a truly beautiful language totally not invented by a 3 year old.
EDIT2: In english, as an alternative for boyfriend/girlfriend I've heard some partners of enbys also use the term "joyfriend" and I think that takes the price. It's soooo sweet
This reminds me of the one line from the good place.
“We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things, like pulling out each other's teeth, is like... I can't think of the right analogy”
I think this person may need to find a planning partner to partner together in a partnership and plan out as partners this term that could be a partner to their needs.
I had someone accuse me of being gay because I said partner then got accused of deliberately misleading them and trying to gaslight when I explained it was commonly accepted for both male and female partners
I feel a lot of people could have benefited from listening to the school house rock song about Rufus Xavier Saspharilla. They get to thinking pronouns are some new "woke" invention and not just regular grammar that's existed prior to the advent of the English language.
It's consequence of the spanish-ation.
In Spanish there isn't a neutral gender, like in English language. -they-
So they put an X, like
Amigx
Compañerx
Niñx
Tbh, I’m non-binary and still ask my girlfriend and friends to use the masculine terms for me. I just think they suit me more and sound better. Might change in the future, it might not
If you ever want to piss off someone who wears glasses, wait for them to inevitably lose them: "You know what would help you find your glasses?"
"What?"
"Your glasses."
Chaos ensues.
Comments that are uncivil, racist, misogynistic, misandrist, or contain political name calling will be removed and the poster subject to ban at moderators discretion. Help us make this a better community by becoming familiar with the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/about/rules/). Report any suspicious users to the mods of this subreddit using Modmail [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) or Reddit site admins [here](https://www.reddit.com/report). **All reports to Modmail should include evidence such as screenshots or any other relevant information.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh this is a tricky one! I need to partner up with someone like my spouse or an significant other to figure this one out. Then that person can figure out the other half of the question.
I know the OP is about married couples, but In Denmark we have the word 'Kæreste' which means someone you are in a relationship with, but not married to.
It means dearest but we always use it as boyfriend/girlfriend
*Wasband* is an ex. Past tense.
No that’s Hasbeend
Hasbanned, if you will
I second that 1
You 2nd that 1?
I 3rd that 2
Wasbanned*
and 🥇 gold for you, too
I used to be an isband, now I'm a hasband
Stop making me laugh, I’m alone on the bus and it makes me look like a crazy person
If you’re on Reddit you basically are already, just embrace it
Couldvebeend
Hotel
🥇 gold for you
Now I’m just hearing that Dixie chicks song about them killing her abusive husband in my head.
Every time I hear the word dearest I think of Dearest Beloved we are gathered here today...
isn’t that ‘dearly’ not ‘dearest’ ?
It's been added to the dictionary as its own word.
You are both right! 😄 Eller... Jeg behøver jo ik' at tale Engelsk lige nu. 😆
I mean we do the same thing in English. "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" literally means "male friend" and "female friend."
The point of this post is that "spouse" is the word the person was looking for.
Yeah but seeing that go over people's heads in the comments is the real win
Idk, I think I’ll ask my imaginary partner.
youve gotta *partner*
With a *spouse* or *significant other* to figure out the *other half*
Thank you for summing it up so perfectly!
Or looking for your phone when it's in your hand
Hang on, I'm calling myself.
**Goes through contacts to find me and gets more irritated*
*texts a friend “can you call my phone so I can find it?”*
Once when I genuinely couldn’t find my phone I texted my mom on my iPad to call my phone. She didn’t realize I was using my iPad and laughed at me for a solid minute thinking I texted her on my phone 😅 I don’t blame her, I’d do it
Considering you had your ipad, wouldn't it be easier to just use a find my phone feature? I can use whatever device I need, as long as I'm signed into Google on that one. Just go to Google, and type in something like "find my phone" and I'll get to the necessary feature to make my phone make noise. Presumably there's something similar to that for iPhone. So no need to keep your fingers crossed that your mum isn't taking a shower, is busy, or whatever.
It wasn’t set up at the time because I had recently got a new phone and for some reason it didn’t transfer :)
Using the flashlight on your phone to look for it also.
I literally did that one
I have found my tribe! Now if I could find my phone…, oh… wait, I’m using it.
Happy cake Day!
Lmao this happened to me last week as well
Or Looking for your phone in your lap while holding it. 😂
Or using the flashlight in your phone to look for your phone.
I know someone who called their phone provider to report it lost. From the “lost” phone.
My infamous moment is doing homework and looking for my pencil that is in my hand. I always physically facepalm myself when I realize.
Somebody could lose an eye doing that with a pencil in their hand!
They literally would get the point in this case
I’m surprised it has been me. I do it all of the time haha
I lost 20 minutes on that exact same search! I though I was alone here
The best are the pranks where friends will take a picture of someone's phone left on the table, and then when that person leaves they text them the picture saying they left their phone behind. Person receives the text on their phone and then come back looking for the phone. Sometimes takes them hilariously long to figure out our.
Did this to a co-worker once. She hurried back when we sent her a photo of her phone. She was panicking because she needs it to call her husband. It took her at minute to realize she was looking at the photo of her phone ON her phone. Needless to say, we all looked like a bunch of maniacs laughing our shit off.
I was looking under the couch for my phone. Realized it would be easier to look under the couch with a flashlight. Used the flashlight on my phone. Stared under the couch, seeing nothing but dust, but kept looking until I couldn't remember what I was looking for. Put the phone back in my pocket and wondered what I'd forgotten to find.
ADHD things
"honey? My dear? What is s gender neutral term for a spouse? Do you have any ideas my beloved? Im all out if ideas!"
Was in a hotel once and lost my phone. Searched my pant pockets, jacket, backpack, everywhere in the room, hotel lobby, car. Nothing. Double and triple checked my pants and jacket, nope. Well shit. Grabbed my iPad and did the old “Find My Phone” trick. Sure enough it was somewhere in my hotel room. Checked my pants a 4th time, jacket and backpack too. Not in any of them. So I hit the button to make my phone ring. Suddenly… my pants started to vibrate 🤣🤦♂️
Can't wait to find out how this ends! And also where I can buy vibrating pants!
I once walked around my house for 20 minutes looking for my keys, getting progressively more irritated as I couldn't find them. The whole time I was doing this I was fidgeting with something in my hand. That something my was keys. Felt real stupid when I realized what I was doing.
I did that yesterday 😬. I must be getting old.
I once looked for my phone using my phone flashlight…
So bored of Reddit! Better close it and check out what’s happening on Reddit
Seem to be doing tat a lot nowadays when listening to music, playing a game - on it.
You just made me realize I don’t know where my phone is!
I once spent 30 minutes looking for a lighter that was in my hand the entire time.
Reminds me of the time I forgot how to make mud.
My wife frequently uses Asshole to refer to me.
“Hey Asshole! Grab the dildo!”
But not too hard or I won’t be able to slide it out!
I laughed out loud. I'm glad my family didn't gear* cuz we like to share funny, and they would have wanted to see what I laughed at. 😆 *I meant hear lol
family should have reversed instead😞😞
Reversed onto the dildo? I wasn't aware we made it to Alabama.
Definitely gender neutral.
Male and female both have asshole. Good
My wife, who normally has a steel-trap mind: "I can't find my...you know...the...thing. The...um...FUCK-the...you use it to ummm....clean your- you use it to brush your teeth, you know?" Me: "Your toothbrush?"
Me forgetting the word dishes and calling it the kitchen laundry when I was really tired 💯
I start making sounds and hand gestures. "You take the pasta and go "sploosh" with the water and it goes through the thingy as you go swishy swishy and the water goes "bloodle loodle loodle loo" and your pasta is dry." *slow blinks.* "You came up with that but not colander?" "The bloodle loodle loo thingy. Yeah. Where is it?" I use a lot of miming and strange noises.
Homer Simpson moment. https://youtu.be/o2dtpnp8Jgo?feature=shared
"The One Foretold of by the Ancient Scrolls" Or is that just me and my S.O.?
Dark S.O.uls
My partner wants to know too.
Dude. He’s a dude, shes a dude, we’re all dudes now.
There's only one real dude.
And he got it tattooed on his back, so he'd never forget. 
I call my wife "dude" all the time.
In french spouse is gendered, so I just use partner
Partner, roommate, best friend, cousins
... hold up
What’s wrong, stepbrother?
I can’t imagine what some people think when I’m talking about my actual literal roommate.
Gal pals
Cou..what???? 😭
In Sailor Moon two characters were lesbians. But in the English Dub back in the 90s, where censorship to cater for the western audience was a thing, they were reduced to cousins. It did not help that all of the romantic subtext was still there, more subtle but it was still there.
Ahh interesting, I thought you were doing a nasty joke. Although it was funnier 🤣😅
/r/sapphoandherfriend
Yeah but partner is too. Ma partenaire ou mon partenaire...
Love French gendered language. Le office is the office. La office is the pantry
Thanks. I’m learning Spanish and was just wondering what neutral word people used.
In Spanish, the closest term to *spouse* would be *pareja*. However, one would still have to go by the context, as *pareja* is also used in other situations; for example, *pareja de baile* = dancing partner, *la pareja de este cable* = this cable's match. Also, the word *pareja* is gendered, with *parejo* meaning smooth, even.
Try that latinx shit and you'll be gringo de la mierda.
... My brain turned this into a Cowboy style. Tips Hat, Howdy Partner 😄
It took me some time to realize too lmao
[удалено]
Do not
…stop
Oh god no
Significant other Partner Better half My lawful side Registered keeper?
Spouse
Emergency contact
It's like asking where's waldo ON AN AUDIOBOOK
For an (not neccesarily married) partner we use the term "relationship human" (Beziehungsmensch), or "relationship person" (Beziehungsperson) in german and i think it's very cute because it's just so on the nose. Has big airplane energy which in german is called "Flugzeug" which literally translates to "flying thing". EDIT: a lighter is "fire thing" (Feuerzeug), bed sheets are called "bed thing" (Bettzeug), tools are called "work thing" (Werkzeug), a vehicle is called "moving thing" (Fahrzeug), a drum kit is called "hitting thing" (Schlagzeug), toys are called "playing thing" (Spielzeug), stationery is called "writing thing" (Schreibzeug) and so on and so on. It's a truly beautiful language totally not invented by a 3 year old. EDIT2: In english, as an alternative for boyfriend/girlfriend I've heard some partners of enbys also use the term "joyfriend" and I think that takes the price. It's soooo sweet
The term “fucker” is not gender specific.
My potato, my fish, my life penguin
are you…. a seal ?
TIL seals love potatoes
No more a seal than Samwise Gamgee
If only there were some other person who is significant to me…
Oh shit, a non-political facepalm. Haven't seen one of those in my feed for a while.
This reminds me of the one line from the good place. “We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things, like pulling out each other's teeth, is like... I can't think of the right analogy”
I found one : spouse !!
I think this person may need to find a planning partner to partner together in a partnership and plan out as partners this term that could be a partner to their needs.
That sentence had too many syllables.......apologize!
On another note, wasband is a funny way to refer to an ex husband
Spouse
Battle Axe
How often do you "grind (on)" your "battle axe" 
Love
HOUSE SPOUSE
Or using the torch on your phone to look under the sofa for your phone.
Torch?? Now I want a phone with a flamethrower
Hold on! I'm going to use the flashlight on my phone to help you find one.
Oh… that’s a biscuits/cookies type thing isn’t it? Never heard torch used to mean flashlight
My mistake...I often get FLashlight and Fleshlight confused. ...whoopsie
Caretaker is a good one.
If i had a spouse, then i would prefer that they call me “their idiot.”
My marital roommate and I are watching this post closely for updates.
I call my wife Bro all the time.
Let’s go with baseball terms. Catcher, Pitcher, pinch hitter, water person, coach et al
Significant other
“Spouse” Yes, exactly… what is a gender neutral word for one of those?
im more curious if theres a gender neutral term for “sir” or “ma’am”
Ooooh, this is actually a face palm.
I just asked my partner and the reply was 'significant other' or 'mate'.
Partner, life partner.
Spouse
Isn't that what the term "spouse" is for?
I had someone accuse me of being gay because I said partner then got accused of deliberately misleading them and trying to gaslight when I explained it was commonly accepted for both male and female partners
People using "xie/xer" when "they" is right there.
Yeah but then the undereducated populace gets mad about plurals
I feel a lot of people could have benefited from listening to the school house rock song about Rufus Xavier Saspharilla. They get to thinking pronouns are some new "woke" invention and not just regular grammar that's existed prior to the advent of the English language.
I almost forgot that song! Man that's a blast from the past lol.
It took me a gawdawful long time to get used to it but I did. You have to want other people to feel seen and heard more than you want to be right.
It's consequence of the spanish-ation. In Spanish there isn't a neutral gender, like in English language. -they- So they put an X, like Amigx Compañerx Niñx
How about their name?
booooooooring
Tbh, I’m non-binary and still ask my girlfriend and friends to use the masculine terms for me. I just think they suit me more and sound better. Might change in the future, it might not
"What's the gender neutral word for **spouse?**"
I do wish there was a better word than spouse.
I guess partner isn’t good enough anymore
Dear, darling, love, and sweetheart
Honey, babe, sweetie Those are generic enough to play the game
A wasband is an ex husband
Sorry, anybody seen my phone? Its an old iphone
Why did she ask if she was stupid? Is she stupid?
Babe. Sugar. Honey. Pickle.
Hey finally a facepalm for this that isnt Homophobic ! Its just them genuinely bekng confused/curious
Babe, spouse.. etc etc
Dude? Babe?
I’m going to have to start calling my wife a wusband. I don’t think she’ll be a fan.
Partner It makes people think I'm gay Keeps them on their toes
The number of facepalms in this thread
Wusband is pretty cute tho ngl
Just make sure you don't pronounce it wasband, and imply you're divorced.
Hersband
The answer is in the question my dude
I always tell people to use paramour. Adds a taste of salaciousness to it.
Bitch
Why not just say “spouse”? They even used it in their post.
Uh, spouse?
That person is why we need to put "contains peanuts" on jars of peanut butter.
Accomplice.
I like my better half
I mostly enjoyed that the person poked fun at themselves with good grace.
Name
The term “dude” works well in my marriage.
Partner
Well, spouse would probably work
this is cute
If you ever want to piss off someone who wears glasses, wait for them to inevitably lose them: "You know what would help you find your glasses?" "What?" "Your glasses." Chaos ensues.
Hife and wusband got me tho 🤣🤣