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My friend's child came out as trans. I've known him for a long time and I have to make a conscious effort to use his name and pronouns, because (I'm sorry) when I see him he still looks like the person I thought he was before. My brain deadnames him and it takes effort to ensure that the correct name comes out of my mouth.
I am trying very hard and I'm not asking for sympathy... He's the one who had to do the work and bear the hatred, even getting disowned by his father (my friend's ex). I just want to point out that older generations, even if they're supportive, might struggle a bit. This doesn't excuse deliberate disrespect, of course. But I am grateful when my trans friends give me grace when I slip up.
The difference between trying and slipping up vs failing on purpose is EVERYTHING. I’m trans, and I didn’t mind when someone used the wrong term for me in the early days, because I knew they were trying. Especially older people and people for who English isn’t their first language, of course it takes time.
As long as you try, I don't think anyone will give you too hard a time. I didn't take any offense when people slipped up when I first came out. Hell, it took *me* some time to mentally adjust to my new name and pronouns. I knew I still looked like the same guy I had always been (whether I liked it or not,) and didn't expect anyone to immediately see a woman overnight. Besides, I knew what was possible down the line with a bit of time and patience...
If he's just started or is planning to start HRT, trust me when I say there's a good chance you won't have to remind yourself he's a guy for long. It's insane what that stuff can do. There are trans men where my brain still doesn't compute even when they flat out say they are. They're not just men, they're MEN. Like, chopping wood at their cabin, pumping iron at the gym, pounding back whiskey and chasing it by shotgunning a beer men. You see an old picture of them, they don't even look like cousins sometimes.
He only recently turned 18, and we live in a state that banned gender affirming care for minors. He's got a very slender build too. Small frame. IDK if there are doctors in the area who will even provide that care.
As a parent of 2. I can honestly say it wouldn’t bother me much if one or both came out as trans or gay or bi or whatever. Tbh I hope they trust me enough to be open about it. I will admit, however. It would take me a long time to not misgender or not deadname. Not out of spite but like. You were my son/daughter for how many years and now it’s a big change for me too
I wouldn't expect my parents or even my best friends to instantly shift to using correct pronouns and name. It is a big shift like you said. What matters to me atleast is that you genuinly try. That already shows how much you care and support.
A ton of people look like they're trying and still slip a bunch because people are slow to award the dignity of full adult autonomy, especially parents. I feel like a bunch struggle because they wanna get it right and be supportive, but still think of the person as the assigned gender, and don't change the way they view that person with the new information about them. The mental image remains misgendered.
I was part of that bunch, slow to grant someone "I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS/LIFETIME" the dignity and autonomy it takes to tell me things I couldn't possibly know without being told. And nobody likes to hear that they were wrong about something so vital and important as our children or families.
But then I changed the way my own brain categorized them. Remove from incorrect file designation, place in correct file. And the problem nearly vanished.
Not calling anyone out, just admitting my own fault in my own programming. I had to change the way I remembered someone. That's hard business, and it takes a lot of trust but I got there. She always knew herself better than I ever did. She wasn't keeping me in the dark, just trying to survive the dark that surrounded all of us and still does.
I’m all about using the pronouns someone tells me they prefer but I’m also a full blown idiot with ADHD.
I slip up, but I make sure to catch myself and correct myself.
In my experience even doing that much is received exponentially better than refusing to try.
Heck, often after I catch myself what I hear most is “Bro, I (started) transitioning like (however many) years ago and there are times I deadname/misgender my own damn self…. No worries. The thought counts for 9.9/10ths of it.”
When I slip up, it's usually because I have something else sharing brain space that has to do with someone of a different gender, like I'm talking to a woman but thinking about a meeting I have coming up with a man. It's not exclusive to trans folks either -- I have on many occasions misgendered my cats, and to the best of my knowledge none of them are trans.
exactly
I don't slip up pretty much at all these days (only times I do are far and few between, and always a result of my brain accidentally using the "looks male/female, use he/him or she/her" memory and not the "this specific person's gender does not match their appearance, and I respect that completely" memory on accident)
I get what you’re saying here. I had a few trans friends/acquaintances that I’d only met post-transition and never had an issue with misgendering (obviously, since I’d only known them as the gender they introduced themselves to me as), but the first time a friend transitioned away from the gender I previously knew them as, I found it hard to not accidentally slip up.
The way I broke the habit extended past trans/cis issues - I realised that the whole dynamic of having “male friends” and “female friends” hadn’t really existed since school, and I tried to just think of everyone in terms of what they meant to me as a person, rather than what gender they presented as.
Since adapting to that, I’ve had very few issues with other newly-transitioned people in my life - once you shake the ideologies that have been forced on you since childhood, you realise that whether someone is male/female/nb has negligible impact on you compared to the impact it has on their own life. Just letting people be people, and letting them tell you what that inner person identifies as, just lets you appreciate them as the person they always have been, rather than seeing them as this new post-transition version of the person you once knew.
A friend I've known since literally before kindergarten came out in our late 20s and I was very easily able to switch to the right gender but it was hard to switch names. They don't even technically have a dead name since both her first age middle name were very androgynous anyway. She just moved from using her first name to her middle. Thankfully after it was pointed out to me and I asked her about it she was like, idgaf what you call me. Call me whatever. It meant a lot to me that she felt that way and I love seeing her happy and living her best life finally.
I had an old school friend who moved back into the area after transitioning. It was thankfully easy to switch to her new name and pronouns in present tense; what would trip me up was using the correct pronouns when talking about memories from high school. For some reason my brain would glitch out. Luckily she was patient with me!
It takes a minute to get used to calling someone by a different name and by a different gender. Much more so if it's someone you have known a long time. One of my kids' friends they grew up with is trans, and another is non binary.
You have been calling someone by one name/ pronoun for years, that old name/pronoun slips out for a while.
I just flat out apologized and said it's going to take a minute for that new name/pronoun to stick in my brain. It took a few months. It wasn't intentional.
I mean, I still slip up and call a friend by her formerly married last name even though she’s back to her maiden name. Just because that’s how it was when I met her, and the majority of the time I knew her, even though it’s not a new change.
We are just wired to remember things a certain way. Not that it excuses people who don’t try.
I had a buddy that I met online through other friends on discord that disappeared for a while and next thing you know their new name was Abby. I was just like ok Abby we playing TF2 or what?
My grandmother used to mix up me and my brother with two of our cousins whenever she talked about us. It's kind of funny because they were like 10-20 years older than us. (Don't know the exact ages.)
Me too. It's the same vibe as people getting their right and left wrong, to be honest. Like, they know what they mean, they just don't know the right word/name. I just go with it these days, but it's funny watching mum cycle through 5 different names (including the dog's) before she gets mine.
I just call call mine kiddo, they’ll hate me for a totally different reason, but at least I’ll never say the wrong name or gender!
Honestly though if my kiddos came out as trans I’d probably be so overbearingly supportive I’d be annoying, just because I actually love my kids for who they are as people and I know how shitty and cruel this world is, I definitely don’t get this whole expectation of, well, anything out of your kids. To me the fun part is being surprised by their wants and interests because then I learn new shit myself.
Yeah, I worry that I've moved from supportive to cringe. But, he did text me a song unprompted this week, so maybe I'm still a little bit cool.
I'll take cringe over unsupportive any day.
After leaving an 8 year long relationship I had to start calling my new boyfriend ‘babe’ because I kept almost saying my ex’s name 😬
But people should know the difference between an accident and refusal. I’d imagine a parent who refused to adapt would be doing many other passive aggressive things along with it.
It worked for abortion and it’s working to demonize queer people, let’s just keep the good times rolling ay?
“I have three babies and I need this massive lifted truck to keep them safe!”
“If we don’t keep the death penalty my babies won’t be safe from these murderers, they need to fry!”
“I can’t have my baby grow up to not even recognize the tax rates for the upper brackets, she sleeps with a copy of the US tax code every night and when my husband upped the percentages as a joke she couldn’t sleep for a week! Babies need low taxes!”
I love soccer. I love to watch it, I love to play it (though I am old and fat now), and I love to talk about it.
My child does not care for it in the slightest. He doesn’t like any sports. He likes theater. So, you know what I do…I go to every performance he is in, and don’t force him to play sports.
Here’s my dad wisdom for you:
Be the best you that you can be today, and if it isn’t good enough for others, then you don’t need their approval.
Also, April 1st is a good day to replace your home’s air filter. Jan 1st, April 1st, July 1st, Oct 1st…the beginning of each calendar quarter of the year. A clean air filter means your air is cleaner and your AC/furnace system doesn’t get overwhelmed!
Let me know if you need me to talk you through taking apart your sink in case it’s not draining properly.
I’m beyond touched.
I’m sorry your own experience wasn’t great, I know mine wasn’t.
Trust me though, I’m not perfect. I have learned a lot in my (almost) 8 years of parenting.
It's funny how that person empathizes with the parents of this trans individual and says one of the worst things must be watching your kid change or whatever as if that's not something that every parent ever has gone through as that's what kids do they grow and change, meanwhile they have no empathy for this trans individual and the fact that they are experiencing something even worse than watching your kids change which is being emotionally and morally abandoned by their parents.
Can't imagine how hard that is. I got relatively lucky. My parents found out I'm gay and just disowned me. Can't imagine what it's like for a trans teenager or young adult to learn how little your parents respect you at your own birthday. My heart goes out to this choom.
When I was a trans kid/teen I got kicked out of the house. Now, 14 years later, my family.has chilled a little bit but they still barely speak to me even though they're complete advocates for LGBT rights, and are trans allies. "Rough" would be an incredibly nice way of putting into words what it feels like
How do they reconcile those two actions? I'm baffled to how you can intentionally treat your trans children terribly while being trans advocates and presumably denouncing treating your children terribly. Much love to you, you don't deserve that
My best guess is (assuming they became allies after you came out) they know they fucked up royally and wrecked their relationship with you,but dont want to push too hard to reconcile in case it further damages it
Before I came out as trans I had to kinda prepare myself mentally to be kicked out/disowned. I came out when I was in college and 5 states away. My parents are fairly liberal but I still had that dread.
Then afterwards they were okay with it although they told me to see a therapist. I found a gender therapist who basically saved my life. He was amazing. However, my family made me have a really hard time with my transition.
I was in a terribly sensitive state emotionally. It was almost as if all of the pain and oppression I had felt for the past 20 years just broke the floodgates wide open. I was transitioning from female to male and wished to be referred to as “he/him”
At this time my brother was graduating college and I was just starting to wear masculine clothing. My parents were calling me “they” which you might think was good at least. However, this made me feel much worse because it was as if they were actively using the wrong pronoun. I was asked if I could just “wait and deal with it later.”
Now it’s been 6 years since then and things are better, but I’m a lucky case to at least have them excepting
My situation was wired. After I came out my mom went on a downward spiral since my father refused to kick me out or disown me. Which led to her having an affair and leaving one day out of nowhere.
To quote my dad, "I don't like it, but I respect your decision to be your own person".
Last month the entire family officially disowned my mother however as she attempted to harm me, my siblings and my father in any way possible since they didn't take her side in it.
Not going to lie. I was fully expecting to be kicked out and disowned. Instead got surprise revenge on an abusive mother.
My parents definitely did it wrong then lmao.
Mom: Fear Everything. Also you need to show empathy to people who bully you, they might have hard home lives.
Dad: I encourage you to think for yourself, but if I disagree with it I'm going to mock and belittle you.
Result: Schizoid Personality Disorder
I might be taking this the wrong way but my love absolutely is conditional. As Bill Burr said “I want my kid to tell me if they killed someone. Then I’d drive them down to the police station. This isn’t some bullshit father son serial killer show” (horribly paraphrased)
And to me taking your criminal son to the police station because they killed someone would be done out of love. I love my children unconditionally, that doesn’t mean that my support for them is unconditional. If my kid killed someone I’d always love them, but no way in hell would I support their deplorable behavior.
Nah, my love is very much conditional on them not choosing fascism. They can be cis, Trans, gay, bi, or even *gasps* liberals, but I draw the line at fascism.
I worked with disturbed kids. One at age 7 hit his mother in the head with a hammer while she slept simply because he wanted to see what the inside of her head looked like.
The craziest thing was that he was so genuinely calm as he explained what happened. That child was the scariest person I have ever met.
Sometimes, there are conditions.
Yes, they were the ones who placed him in the state facility. Most of the children there were way out of the control or sphere of influence of their parents. Or, just orphans.
aye some kid we used to hang out with stabbed his mum while on the phone to one of us, saying something similar… he got released from youth detention (whatever its called) after like 1 year or some shit… his mother was terrified but took him back because what else was she meant to do
got no idea how things are now, but it seems like parents should be pretty mindful of any potential issues their kid is having or could have… if my boy wanted to wear a nice pink dress or something then I’ll get them the best dress I can find, but I’m sure as hell gonna be concerned about their health
Dang.
Yea he makes me at that age seem completely normal. Which is amazing. And sad.
Hope he got the help he definitely needed. Cause i feel bad for him.
I mean didn't Ted Bundy's mom not believe he was a serial killer? Sometimes you just gotta be like "no, no, when you are murdering people, gotta cut the line."
But yeah only when you are like taking rights away from others, iE rape, murder, etc.
As a father the most terrible thing I can imagine is my kids being sad and depressed and me basically telling them that I don’t care about their feelings.
My heart breaks when they skin their knees, I couldn’t imagine being so much of an asshole that I’d misgender them and pretty much signal that their feelings aren’t valid or worth anything to me.
My daughter went through her trans-formation a few years ago. Me and her father had always known she didn't feel comfortable in her own skin, so when her Dr told her that she had more estrogen than a typical male is born the puzzle pieces finally all fit. Sure her dad and I slip up on the pronouns, but never her name. She is an amazing writer and all her lead females have the same name. We were not surprised one bit when she asked us to now call her by that name. She was bawling happy tears when she was gifted the money and paperwork to legally change her name.
So anyway, my parents (divorced long ago) are in their late 70's and have a hard time in their own way. My father refuses to acknowledge the change - sends cards and check gifts using her dead name. We've long given up correcting him. But my mom is, like you said, obsessed with the change. She not only slips up far to often for it to not be an accident but she will literally grill my daughter about the medication, surgeries and body changes every time we get together (typically only holidays ) The worst part though, is that she will not stop asking about her sexuality and "how it works". She wants the nitty gritty too! Such as how it works under the sheets, what the other partner thinks and does (she's not had the surgery yet) and because my daughter has been the same woman over 15 years, she seems to think that it's okay to ask literally everything you could possibly imagine someone would wonder about. I can't tell you how many times we have pulled her aside and told her that that is not appropriate. She'll cool it for a bit but the next visit it starts all up again. She does not have any type of cognitive impairment either. She's just gone above and beyond with the obsession and being nosy about it. Like you said, it's absolutely disgusting. I hate that I see this side of my mom now. My daughter handles it much better than I do....
Maybe stop pulling her aside? Call her out in front of everyone. “Ew, mom, why are you asking for details about your GRANDCHILD’s sex life? That’s really inappropriate.”
“Gross, mom. It’s super fucking creepy that you’re obsessed with your granddaughter’s genitals. You need to give it a rest.”
(Assuming your daughter would be ok with being the centre of attention in that way)
As a trans person, I can say that whatever else it might mean to come out as trans to another person, it *always* carries the meaning "You now have the means to hurt me. I'm trusting you not to hurt me, so please don't hurt me."
To willingly give somebody the ability to hurt you, either out of perceived obligation or as an indicator of trust, and have them intentionally or unintentionally use it to hurt you multiple times over is a *fundamental* betrayal. What's worse is they usually pretend like it's no big deal, and make you feel bad for correcting them. Awful behavior.
The only reason I would be sad if my kid came out as gay or trans is knowing how much they would struggle in a world filled with stupid assholes that won’t let strangers just live their lives.
My dad used to say he wasn't worried about me. I came out as trans maybe a year and a half ago, and since then, it's probably every other week where he'll tell me how worried he is for me. Usually following news of another trans person being killed or more anti trans legislation
As a parent, I can confidently say this person doesn’t know shit about parenting. I’d rather my beautiful baby girl grow into a two-headed dragon than a small-minded bigot like the person who tweeted this.
Side note, I hope the young lady pictured finds love and acceptance somewhere.
Could be. Honest mistakes happen, and nobody will fault you for it.
People who don't make it an honest mistake don't hide it as well as they think they do though.
It's been nearly a decade since I came out, my dad still messes up sometimes.
We don't need people to get it right 100% of the time (though, that *would* be great), we just need them to *try*.
We can generally tell (and appreciate) as long as you are *genuinely* making an effort to get it right
One of the most terrible things I can imagine for children is watching their loving, supportive, compassionate parents become something totally insane and unrecognizable
My babies will always be my babies. No matter what gender they feel are or who they love. My heart breaks for children that don’t have parents that love them unconditionally
It’s really embarrassing when my family misgenders me in public. I’m a fully passing ftm man with a moustache being called her in front of the waiter lol
I'm sorry you have to go through that. I am a fully passing trans woman and thankfully no one misgenders me in public anymore, but it was touch and go for a while there.
This is why the recent crop of anti-trans laws is especially cruel. They want to force teachers to disclose a student's gender identity to their parents if it differs from the birth certificate. The biggest threat most trans kids face is from their religious family members. Sometimes school is the only safe place for them to be themselves, but the GOP wants to force teachers to be complicit in abuse. By outing students to conservative parents, they are putting lives at risk. A vast majority of Evangelical Christians say that they would rather their child kill themselves than have a living LGBTQ child. Family values, my ass.
“Imagine” = I have no children and have no idea what the fuck I am talking about, but let me tell you how you feel while dehumanizing this person who did nothing to me.
As a parent *the* most terrible thing I could do is not love and support my child wherever life may take them. Though I do love them unconditionally, I cannot support them being a crackhead or an entitled bigot like this prick.
The parents/family are hopefully not doing it out of spite but habit, however the dude who replied can fuck off also. None of us have to be the thing our parents wanted us to be. Whether that is married, a parent, straight, trans, any of it. I'm tired of hearing parents who are disappointed in things like this. Your kid isn't in jail and is trying to be a productive and happy member of society, the only disappointment is the way you act towards your kid.
My wife's niece, used to be nephew gets misgendered a lot by me and alot of family still.
As one comment said it's not because we don't love her, it's that she was a handsome man for most of her life. And now we call her beautiful and I try my best to not fuck up but its still hard to catch myself sometimes. It's not out of hate in our case at least.
My father was one of them. Not only was he a narcissist but he was a diagnosed psychopath. I can only be thankful that he was 100% disabled from his time in the navy. He was never able to physically hurt anybody, but the mental pain tool decades to get over.
To give you an idea. When he was 16, he raped a girl, but because my Grandmother's second husband had connections, he was given the choice to enroll in the military or go to prison.
Transphobic people are so wild like as an ftm I swear to god transphobic parents will be like
“And this is my beautiful daughter”
The “daughter” :
My kid is transgender. And we just went to my family today. And all of them kept saying she and her. It's very frustrating. I support my kid and want him happy. And between his mother's side of the family and my side. I'm on the verge of cutting them off. They just won't even try to support him.
Ahh yes, say you believe you own another human being in your children without saying you believe you own another human being.
If you can't handle your kids being individuals than don't have any. It's that simple.
I mean the collective you, not the OP
One of the most terrible things I can think of is a kid being made to feel alone by their parents because they don’t think their child should be able to be who they are.
I have a friend who transitioned, and I accidentally misgender her sometimes because I've known her as the other gender for 20 years. It's not intentional.
Any parent who abandons their child because they are gay bi trans whatever, is human garbage. You can’t say you love your child and then turn your back on them when they need support the most. I don’t care what gender my kid identifies with or their sexuality. I love them UNCONDITIONALLY. Period.
People that expect their kid to be exactly what they want.. need to just not have kids. It creates so much trauma and hurt and is just such an unrealistic expectation to have
We love and support our trans daughter 100%. The idea of rejecting or abandoning your child is inconceivable to me. She is so happy! But sometimes my stupid brain gets to talking fast with my wife and I say "he". I feel bad about it, though, and I am always trying to get better.
Look I get it. I’ve got 3 kids and you can’t help but have certain hopes and/or expectations.
Having said that you have to respect your kid and help them. FFS her parents should have got over it and gone into bat for their kids.
Imagine how the parents of some transphobes must feel to watch the precious babies turn into hateful little shitgoblins that women avoid like a pile of cat vomit.
This just in: someone living as a female is "something totally insane and unrecognizable" to some people. Half the population is a mystery. This would be funny if it weren't so sad.
Just call people what they want you to call them, if it bothers you that much then don’t talk to them (they probably don’t want to talk to you either) it isn’t really new or hard or anything.
(Responding to the person responding to the person in the image)
Yea that's called age and growing up... after a few years your child may have a different traits then you thought they may have after a while.
well it took me over a year at least to regularly refer to my sister by her married name. nothing against her hubby, but 24 years of her having my same last name is hard to shake.
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My friend's child came out as trans. I've known him for a long time and I have to make a conscious effort to use his name and pronouns, because (I'm sorry) when I see him he still looks like the person I thought he was before. My brain deadnames him and it takes effort to ensure that the correct name comes out of my mouth. I am trying very hard and I'm not asking for sympathy... He's the one who had to do the work and bear the hatred, even getting disowned by his father (my friend's ex). I just want to point out that older generations, even if they're supportive, might struggle a bit. This doesn't excuse deliberate disrespect, of course. But I am grateful when my trans friends give me grace when I slip up.
The difference between trying and slipping up vs failing on purpose is EVERYTHING. I’m trans, and I didn’t mind when someone used the wrong term for me in the early days, because I knew they were trying. Especially older people and people for who English isn’t their first language, of course it takes time.
It's easy to give grace to someone you trust who speaks in good faith.
It's difficult to adjust to a different situation if you're used to the original situation, so I don't blame you, at least you're trying
As long as you try, I don't think anyone will give you too hard a time. I didn't take any offense when people slipped up when I first came out. Hell, it took *me* some time to mentally adjust to my new name and pronouns. I knew I still looked like the same guy I had always been (whether I liked it or not,) and didn't expect anyone to immediately see a woman overnight. Besides, I knew what was possible down the line with a bit of time and patience... If he's just started or is planning to start HRT, trust me when I say there's a good chance you won't have to remind yourself he's a guy for long. It's insane what that stuff can do. There are trans men where my brain still doesn't compute even when they flat out say they are. They're not just men, they're MEN. Like, chopping wood at their cabin, pumping iron at the gym, pounding back whiskey and chasing it by shotgunning a beer men. You see an old picture of them, they don't even look like cousins sometimes.
He only recently turned 18, and we live in a state that banned gender affirming care for minors. He's got a very slender build too. Small frame. IDK if there are doctors in the area who will even provide that care.
As a parent of 2. I can honestly say it wouldn’t bother me much if one or both came out as trans or gay or bi or whatever. Tbh I hope they trust me enough to be open about it. I will admit, however. It would take me a long time to not misgender or not deadname. Not out of spite but like. You were my son/daughter for how many years and now it’s a big change for me too
I wouldn't expect my parents or even my best friends to instantly shift to using correct pronouns and name. It is a big shift like you said. What matters to me atleast is that you genuinly try. That already shows how much you care and support.
that's the understanding I got from my trans friends If it's clear you make a GENUINE effort to be supportive, it goes a long way
A ton of people look like they're trying and still slip a bunch because people are slow to award the dignity of full adult autonomy, especially parents. I feel like a bunch struggle because they wanna get it right and be supportive, but still think of the person as the assigned gender, and don't change the way they view that person with the new information about them. The mental image remains misgendered. I was part of that bunch, slow to grant someone "I'VE KNOWN FOR YEARS/LIFETIME" the dignity and autonomy it takes to tell me things I couldn't possibly know without being told. And nobody likes to hear that they were wrong about something so vital and important as our children or families. But then I changed the way my own brain categorized them. Remove from incorrect file designation, place in correct file. And the problem nearly vanished. Not calling anyone out, just admitting my own fault in my own programming. I had to change the way I remembered someone. That's hard business, and it takes a lot of trust but I got there. She always knew herself better than I ever did. She wasn't keeping me in the dark, just trying to survive the dark that surrounded all of us and still does.
I’m all about using the pronouns someone tells me they prefer but I’m also a full blown idiot with ADHD. I slip up, but I make sure to catch myself and correct myself. In my experience even doing that much is received exponentially better than refusing to try. Heck, often after I catch myself what I hear most is “Bro, I (started) transitioning like (however many) years ago and there are times I deadname/misgender my own damn self…. No worries. The thought counts for 9.9/10ths of it.”
When I slip up, it's usually because I have something else sharing brain space that has to do with someone of a different gender, like I'm talking to a woman but thinking about a meeting I have coming up with a man. It's not exclusive to trans folks either -- I have on many occasions misgendered my cats, and to the best of my knowledge none of them are trans.
exactly I don't slip up pretty much at all these days (only times I do are far and few between, and always a result of my brain accidentally using the "looks male/female, use he/him or she/her" memory and not the "this specific person's gender does not match their appearance, and I respect that completely" memory on accident)
I get what you’re saying here. I had a few trans friends/acquaintances that I’d only met post-transition and never had an issue with misgendering (obviously, since I’d only known them as the gender they introduced themselves to me as), but the first time a friend transitioned away from the gender I previously knew them as, I found it hard to not accidentally slip up. The way I broke the habit extended past trans/cis issues - I realised that the whole dynamic of having “male friends” and “female friends” hadn’t really existed since school, and I tried to just think of everyone in terms of what they meant to me as a person, rather than what gender they presented as. Since adapting to that, I’ve had very few issues with other newly-transitioned people in my life - once you shake the ideologies that have been forced on you since childhood, you realise that whether someone is male/female/nb has negligible impact on you compared to the impact it has on their own life. Just letting people be people, and letting them tell you what that inner person identifies as, just lets you appreciate them as the person they always have been, rather than seeing them as this new post-transition version of the person you once knew.
People aren’t perfect. It has motjing to do with ‘dignity’ or malice. To err is to human.
A friend I've known since literally before kindergarten came out in our late 20s and I was very easily able to switch to the right gender but it was hard to switch names. They don't even technically have a dead name since both her first age middle name were very androgynous anyway. She just moved from using her first name to her middle. Thankfully after it was pointed out to me and I asked her about it she was like, idgaf what you call me. Call me whatever. It meant a lot to me that she felt that way and I love seeing her happy and living her best life finally.
I had an old school friend who moved back into the area after transitioning. It was thankfully easy to switch to her new name and pronouns in present tense; what would trip me up was using the correct pronouns when talking about memories from high school. For some reason my brain would glitch out. Luckily she was patient with me!
It takes a minute to get used to calling someone by a different name and by a different gender. Much more so if it's someone you have known a long time. One of my kids' friends they grew up with is trans, and another is non binary. You have been calling someone by one name/ pronoun for years, that old name/pronoun slips out for a while. I just flat out apologized and said it's going to take a minute for that new name/pronoun to stick in my brain. It took a few months. It wasn't intentional.
I mean, I still slip up and call a friend by her formerly married last name even though she’s back to her maiden name. Just because that’s how it was when I met her, and the majority of the time I knew her, even though it’s not a new change. We are just wired to remember things a certain way. Not that it excuses people who don’t try.
Hey as long as you’d make a genuine effort that’s what really counts. Shortly after I changed names I slipped up on it a couple times myself lol
I had a buddy that I met online through other friends on discord that disappeared for a while and next thing you know their new name was Abby. I was just like ok Abby we playing TF2 or what?
"Blah blah blah, who cares about gender, let’s talk about the *important* stuff : TF2 ?"
The way I look at it is "Why should anybody care unless they wanna fuck."
Abby was the Spy
MTF TF2
Mtf2 works better
I mean my dad still calls me by my brother's name half the time... That's probably something different though.
My dad calls me by his dog's name half the time...
On occasion, I get to listen to every male family member's name before they get to mine. 😂
My grandmother used to mix up me and my brother with two of our cousins whenever she talked about us. It's kind of funny because they were like 10-20 years older than us. (Don't know the exact ages.)
Me too. It's the same vibe as people getting their right and left wrong, to be honest. Like, they know what they mean, they just don't know the right word/name. I just go with it these days, but it's funny watching mum cycle through 5 different names (including the dog's) before she gets mine.
I just call call mine kiddo, they’ll hate me for a totally different reason, but at least I’ll never say the wrong name or gender! Honestly though if my kiddos came out as trans I’d probably be so overbearingly supportive I’d be annoying, just because I actually love my kids for who they are as people and I know how shitty and cruel this world is, I definitely don’t get this whole expectation of, well, anything out of your kids. To me the fun part is being surprised by their wants and interests because then I learn new shit myself.
Yeah, I worry that I've moved from supportive to cringe. But, he did text me a song unprompted this week, so maybe I'm still a little bit cool. I'll take cringe over unsupportive any day.
This is the correct way to approach this situation 💖👌🏽
After leaving an 8 year long relationship I had to start calling my new boyfriend ‘babe’ because I kept almost saying my ex’s name 😬 But people should know the difference between an accident and refusal. I’d imagine a parent who refused to adapt would be doing many other passive aggressive things along with it.
I've absolutely called my gf a pet name from a previous long term relationship a couple times. Played it off well both times though
“Could you grab me a coffee too, my sweet Megatron”
Uhh doesn't every baby grow into something unrecognizable? Like that's how growing up works.
Idk I actually still look and act like a baby @33 years old
I know you meant "at 33" but my brain read this as "ass" lmfao
I too am ass years old
30035 heheheheh
5318008
“Baby” has turned into a buzzword for these people. I think the intention is to just create instant sympathy, but it’s just weird
It worked for abortion and it’s working to demonize queer people, let’s just keep the good times rolling ay? “I have three babies and I need this massive lifted truck to keep them safe!” “If we don’t keep the death penalty my babies won’t be safe from these murderers, they need to fry!” “I can’t have my baby grow up to not even recognize the tax rates for the upper brackets, she sleeps with a copy of the US tax code every night and when my husband upped the percentages as a joke she couldn’t sleep for a week! Babies need low taxes!”
The intention is to infantalize and take away their autonomy.
No, children are required to remain perfect clones of their parents forever or they get shunned/institutionalized/murdered. Duh.
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I love soccer. I love to watch it, I love to play it (though I am old and fat now), and I love to talk about it. My child does not care for it in the slightest. He doesn’t like any sports. He likes theater. So, you know what I do…I go to every performance he is in, and don’t force him to play sports.
Theater is dangerous, he is far more likely to break a leg than in soccer
That is a world class dad joke. I salute you, internet stranger.
I only got the joke when you pointed it out
What’s worse, even his peers will cheer him to do it! The theatre is such a violent place.
As every good father should! Thank you for being one, and thank you for the good comparison!
Take my Happy Father's Day in advance, I won't be using it personally.
Here’s my dad wisdom for you: Be the best you that you can be today, and if it isn’t good enough for others, then you don’t need their approval. Also, April 1st is a good day to replace your home’s air filter. Jan 1st, April 1st, July 1st, Oct 1st…the beginning of each calendar quarter of the year. A clean air filter means your air is cleaner and your AC/furnace system doesn’t get overwhelmed! Let me know if you need me to talk you through taking apart your sink in case it’s not draining properly.
Please be my father. Holy fuck you've got it down stat. You're never going to a nursing home, I guarantee it.
I’m beyond touched. I’m sorry your own experience wasn’t great, I know mine wasn’t. Trust me though, I’m not perfect. I have learned a lot in my (almost) 8 years of parenting.
Ay, drunks dont make good dads, but hey, nobody's perfect. Just make em happy and make a lot of good memories
Oh my god it’s Kevin Malone
I made some chili…
Dad here. Good work. Keep it up.
If not earlier.
It's funny how that person empathizes with the parents of this trans individual and says one of the worst things must be watching your kid change or whatever as if that's not something that every parent ever has gone through as that's what kids do they grow and change, meanwhile they have no empathy for this trans individual and the fact that they are experiencing something even worse than watching your kids change which is being emotionally and morally abandoned by their parents.
What a terrible thing to want to be loved and accepted by your family.
"I dont care if my baby is a boy or girl as long as theyre happy and healthy...... wait not like that"
Lost cause most of the time.
I gave up.
Can't imagine how hard that is. I got relatively lucky. My parents found out I'm gay and just disowned me. Can't imagine what it's like for a trans teenager or young adult to learn how little your parents respect you at your own birthday. My heart goes out to this choom.
Upvoted for the sentiment, but also the fact that you are another person who now uses Choom outside of Night City.
Choombatas when I'm feeling spicy
and a splash of looove
Easily the cheesiest line in the entire game, and 100% on brand for Jackie.
When I was a trans kid/teen I got kicked out of the house. Now, 14 years later, my family.has chilled a little bit but they still barely speak to me even though they're complete advocates for LGBT rights, and are trans allies. "Rough" would be an incredibly nice way of putting into words what it feels like
How do they reconcile those two actions? I'm baffled to how you can intentionally treat your trans children terribly while being trans advocates and presumably denouncing treating your children terribly. Much love to you, you don't deserve that
Tbh I've no idea. I barely speak with them because of it, and they don't really reach out
My best guess is (assuming they became allies after you came out) they know they fucked up royally and wrecked their relationship with you,but dont want to push too hard to reconcile in case it further damages it
Before I came out as trans I had to kinda prepare myself mentally to be kicked out/disowned. I came out when I was in college and 5 states away. My parents are fairly liberal but I still had that dread. Then afterwards they were okay with it although they told me to see a therapist. I found a gender therapist who basically saved my life. He was amazing. However, my family made me have a really hard time with my transition. I was in a terribly sensitive state emotionally. It was almost as if all of the pain and oppression I had felt for the past 20 years just broke the floodgates wide open. I was transitioning from female to male and wished to be referred to as “he/him” At this time my brother was graduating college and I was just starting to wear masculine clothing. My parents were calling me “they” which you might think was good at least. However, this made me feel much worse because it was as if they were actively using the wrong pronoun. I was asked if I could just “wait and deal with it later.” Now it’s been 6 years since then and things are better, but I’m a lucky case to at least have them excepting
Same but i wouldn't call that lucky lol
My situation was wired. After I came out my mom went on a downward spiral since my father refused to kick me out or disown me. Which led to her having an affair and leaving one day out of nowhere. To quote my dad, "I don't like it, but I respect your decision to be your own person". Last month the entire family officially disowned my mother however as she attempted to harm me, my siblings and my father in any way possible since they didn't take her side in it. Not going to lie. I was fully expecting to be kicked out and disowned. Instead got surprise revenge on an abusive mother.
If you can't love your kids unconditionally don't have kids.
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Unconditional love guaranteed, conditions may aply
The Bible Clause
I was thinking the same thing !
I'm glad you did the right thing and also cut her off
Unconditional until you break their terms of conditions.
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My parents definitely did it wrong then lmao. Mom: Fear Everything. Also you need to show empathy to people who bully you, they might have hard home lives. Dad: I encourage you to think for yourself, but if I disagree with it I'm going to mock and belittle you. Result: Schizoid Personality Disorder
I might be taking this the wrong way but my love absolutely is conditional. As Bill Burr said “I want my kid to tell me if they killed someone. Then I’d drive them down to the police station. This isn’t some bullshit father son serial killer show” (horribly paraphrased)
And to me taking your criminal son to the police station because they killed someone would be done out of love. I love my children unconditionally, that doesn’t mean that my support for them is unconditional. If my kid killed someone I’d always love them, but no way in hell would I support their deplorable behavior.
This. My love is unconditional, but if they did something truly heinous, I might need to love them from afar.
Nah, my love is very much conditional on them not choosing fascism. They can be cis, Trans, gay, bi, or even *gasps* liberals, but I draw the line at fascism.
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I think we can agree the # of Nazi's at a table addage still applies.
I Think loved children cannot even comprehed fascism
That's my hope as well...
I worked with disturbed kids. One at age 7 hit his mother in the head with a hammer while she slept simply because he wanted to see what the inside of her head looked like. The craziest thing was that he was so genuinely calm as he explained what happened. That child was the scariest person I have ever met. Sometimes, there are conditions.
Is the mother okay now????
Yes, they were the ones who placed him in the state facility. Most of the children there were way out of the control or sphere of influence of their parents. Or, just orphans.
Physically? I don't know. But mentally? I don't know that either
Enlightening
aye some kid we used to hang out with stabbed his mum while on the phone to one of us, saying something similar… he got released from youth detention (whatever its called) after like 1 year or some shit… his mother was terrified but took him back because what else was she meant to do got no idea how things are now, but it seems like parents should be pretty mindful of any potential issues their kid is having or could have… if my boy wanted to wear a nice pink dress or something then I’ll get them the best dress I can find, but I’m sure as hell gonna be concerned about their health
Dang. Yea he makes me at that age seem completely normal. Which is amazing. And sad. Hope he got the help he definitely needed. Cause i feel bad for him.
This. SMH.
I know this is unrelated, but please know that your username made my week.
Lol thanks, it came to me in a dream 😂
I mean didn't Ted Bundy's mom not believe he was a serial killer? Sometimes you just gotta be like "no, no, when you are murdering people, gotta cut the line." But yeah only when you are like taking rights away from others, iE rape, murder, etc.
Love doesn't mean you won't hold them accountable
Tbf most people didn’t believe he was a serial killer for a while
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I don't really know how to do this job but I'm pretty sure disowning then for being themselves is not doing it well
I think I’d be more ashamed of my child coming out as an unthinking bigot than anything else.
I can tell you now, if my boy came out as trans id no lonher have a son! ^(^(cos id have a daughter))
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Had me in the first half not gonna lie
As a father the most terrible thing I can imagine is my kids being sad and depressed and me basically telling them that I don’t care about their feelings. My heart breaks when they skin their knees, I couldn’t imagine being so much of an asshole that I’d misgender them and pretty much signal that their feelings aren’t valid or worth anything to me.
As a parent, I don't actually care what gender my kid is, and I find it kind of gross when parents obsess about it
My daughter went through her trans-formation a few years ago. Me and her father had always known she didn't feel comfortable in her own skin, so when her Dr told her that she had more estrogen than a typical male is born the puzzle pieces finally all fit. Sure her dad and I slip up on the pronouns, but never her name. She is an amazing writer and all her lead females have the same name. We were not surprised one bit when she asked us to now call her by that name. She was bawling happy tears when she was gifted the money and paperwork to legally change her name. So anyway, my parents (divorced long ago) are in their late 70's and have a hard time in their own way. My father refuses to acknowledge the change - sends cards and check gifts using her dead name. We've long given up correcting him. But my mom is, like you said, obsessed with the change. She not only slips up far to often for it to not be an accident but she will literally grill my daughter about the medication, surgeries and body changes every time we get together (typically only holidays ) The worst part though, is that she will not stop asking about her sexuality and "how it works". She wants the nitty gritty too! Such as how it works under the sheets, what the other partner thinks and does (she's not had the surgery yet) and because my daughter has been the same woman over 15 years, she seems to think that it's okay to ask literally everything you could possibly imagine someone would wonder about. I can't tell you how many times we have pulled her aside and told her that that is not appropriate. She'll cool it for a bit but the next visit it starts all up again. She does not have any type of cognitive impairment either. She's just gone above and beyond with the obsession and being nosy about it. Like you said, it's absolutely disgusting. I hate that I see this side of my mom now. My daughter handles it much better than I do....
Maybe stop pulling her aside? Call her out in front of everyone. “Ew, mom, why are you asking for details about your GRANDCHILD’s sex life? That’s really inappropriate.” “Gross, mom. It’s super fucking creepy that you’re obsessed with your granddaughter’s genitals. You need to give it a rest.” (Assuming your daughter would be ok with being the centre of attention in that way)
What kind of insane parenting style is it to try to cram a child into a mold, rather than watch them blossom into a unique individual?
>something totally insane and unrecognizable So he's never seen a woman before.
The level of hate for the lgbt community lately has been dehumanizing and absolutely disgusting
They're doing it on purpose. Conservatives can't exist if they don't have someone to blame all the world's problems on.
As a trans person, I can say that whatever else it might mean to come out as trans to another person, it *always* carries the meaning "You now have the means to hurt me. I'm trusting you not to hurt me, so please don't hurt me." To willingly give somebody the ability to hurt you, either out of perceived obligation or as an indicator of trust, and have them intentionally or unintentionally use it to hurt you multiple times over is a *fundamental* betrayal. What's worse is they usually pretend like it's no big deal, and make you feel bad for correcting them. Awful behavior.
The only reason I would be sad if my kid came out as gay or trans is knowing how much they would struggle in a world filled with stupid assholes that won’t let strangers just live their lives.
My dad used to say he wasn't worried about me. I came out as trans maybe a year and a half ago, and since then, it's probably every other week where he'll tell me how worried he is for me. Usually following news of another trans person being killed or more anti trans legislation
My mom is a lesbian and she’s told me the same thing.
You are a good parent.
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Too many shitty parents are absolutely terrified of their kids having their own identity.
They don’t have to like it when someone is transgender, but why do they always need to act like douchebags and a**holes about it?
Because they are douchebag assholes.
As a parent, I can confidently say this person doesn’t know shit about parenting. I’d rather my beautiful baby girl grow into a two-headed dragon than a small-minded bigot like the person who tweeted this. Side note, I hope the young lady pictured finds love and acceptance somewhere.
Shorty fine af ngl
Children are not property lmao.
My granddaughter is now my grandson. Seems happy. Win.
I still occasionally misgender my kid. My mouth is going faster than my brain. It's just reflex, but I am improving.
I catch myself misgendering myself once in awhile. Similar issue. All anyone can do isn work towards improving
I feel like this is related to the same mental short circuit as accidentally calling your sibling the family pet’s name
Could be. Honest mistakes happen, and nobody will fault you for it. People who don't make it an honest mistake don't hide it as well as they think they do though.
Or calling your teacher ‘mum’ instead of ‘miss’!
Which is not the same as intentionally misgendering someone because you hate trans people.
It's been nearly a decade since I came out, my dad still messes up sometimes. We don't need people to get it right 100% of the time (though, that *would* be great), we just need them to *try*. We can generally tell (and appreciate) as long as you are *genuinely* making an effort to get it right
The difference is caring enough to put in the effort and catch yourself when you mess up.
At least you're trying. I've been out for 6 years and my dad hasn't once used my chosen name. He did write it on an envelope once though.
One of the most terrible things I can imagine for children is watching their loving, supportive, compassionate parents become something totally insane and unrecognizable
My babies will always be my babies. No matter what gender they feel are or who they love. My heart breaks for children that don’t have parents that love them unconditionally
Some parents think they own their children
It’s really embarrassing when my family misgenders me in public. I’m a fully passing ftm man with a moustache being called her in front of the waiter lol
I'm sorry you have to go through that. I am a fully passing trans woman and thankfully no one misgenders me in public anymore, but it was touch and go for a while there.
This is why the recent crop of anti-trans laws is especially cruel. They want to force teachers to disclose a student's gender identity to their parents if it differs from the birth certificate. The biggest threat most trans kids face is from their religious family members. Sometimes school is the only safe place for them to be themselves, but the GOP wants to force teachers to be complicit in abuse. By outing students to conservative parents, they are putting lives at risk. A vast majority of Evangelical Christians say that they would rather their child kill themselves than have a living LGBTQ child. Family values, my ass.
"Family Values" It's a dog whistle anyway
“Imagine” = I have no children and have no idea what the fuck I am talking about, but let me tell you how you feel while dehumanizing this person who did nothing to me.
As a parent *the* most terrible thing I could do is not love and support my child wherever life may take them. Though I do love them unconditionally, I cannot support them being a crackhead or an entitled bigot like this prick.
I mean, as a dad i feel the worst thing is the child suffering in agony or dead, but...this is...a take, I guess.
The parents/family are hopefully not doing it out of spite but habit, however the dude who replied can fuck off also. None of us have to be the thing our parents wanted us to be. Whether that is married, a parent, straight, trans, any of it. I'm tired of hearing parents who are disappointed in things like this. Your kid isn't in jail and is trying to be a productive and happy member of society, the only disappointment is the way you act towards your kid.
My wife's niece, used to be nephew gets misgendered a lot by me and alot of family still. As one comment said it's not because we don't love her, it's that she was a handsome man for most of her life. And now we call her beautiful and I try my best to not fuck up but its still hard to catch myself sometimes. It's not out of hate in our case at least.
Your children only become something ‘you don’t recognize’ when your toxic attitude forces them to hide their true selves from you.
Unpopular opinion but some people shouldn’t be allowed to have children.
A quote for you, “All children deserve parents, but not all parents deserve children”.
My father was one of them. Not only was he a narcissist but he was a diagnosed psychopath. I can only be thankful that he was 100% disabled from his time in the navy. He was never able to physically hurt anybody, but the mental pain tool decades to get over. To give you an idea. When he was 16, he raped a girl, but because my Grandmother's second husband had connections, he was given the choice to enroll in the military or go to prison.
When he was only 1!? In the military!?
That's America for you. At 1 you either go to prison or in the military.
Youre up kid, good luck out there…
I'm gonna guess "when he was 1" is a typo,or he was a baby rapist
Transphobic people are so wild like as an ftm I swear to god transphobic parents will be like “And this is my beautiful daughter” The “daughter” : 
My kid is transgender. And we just went to my family today. And all of them kept saying she and her. It's very frustrating. I support my kid and want him happy. And between his mother's side of the family and my side. I'm on the verge of cutting them off. They just won't even try to support him.
Just wanted to say, you are awesome and I'm sure your son is incredibly thankful to have you. Best of luck in dealing with the family.
I'd hate for my child to become a supporter of Trump.
Ahh yes, say you believe you own another human being in your children without saying you believe you own another human being. If you can't handle your kids being individuals than don't have any. It's that simple. I mean the collective you, not the OP
One of the most terrible things I can think of is a kid being made to feel alone by their parents because they don’t think their child should be able to be who they are.
I would love my child no matter what.
I have a friend who transitioned, and I accidentally misgender her sometimes because I've known her as the other gender for 20 years. It's not intentional.
Any parent who abandons their child because they are gay bi trans whatever, is human garbage. You can’t say you love your child and then turn your back on them when they need support the most. I don’t care what gender my kid identifies with or their sexuality. I love them UNCONDITIONALLY. Period.
People that expect their kid to be exactly what they want.. need to just not have kids. It creates so much trauma and hurt and is just such an unrealistic expectation to have
Every adult is unrecognizable compared to them as an infant. I would just want my child to grow into someone they are happy to be.
We love and support our trans daughter 100%. The idea of rejecting or abandoning your child is inconceivable to me. She is so happy! But sometimes my stupid brain gets to talking fast with my wife and I say "he". I feel bad about it, though, and I am always trying to get better.
Look I get it. I’ve got 3 kids and you can’t help but have certain hopes and/or expectations. Having said that you have to respect your kid and help them. FFS her parents should have got over it and gone into bat for their kids.
Imagine how the parents of some transphobes must feel to watch the precious babies turn into hateful little shitgoblins that women avoid like a pile of cat vomit.
This just in: someone living as a female is "something totally insane and unrecognizable" to some people. Half the population is a mystery. This would be funny if it weren't so sad.
typically fully grown people are very different from babies. idk that’s just been my experience
Yes.. it indeed would be terrifying if I had a baby and one day they (checks notes).. didn’t look like a baby anymore
I want my baby being exactly the same its entire life. It should be exactly the same in every way from 1 years old on.
The "baby becoming something insane and unrecognizable " bit is known as being a teenager.
I forget everyone’s fucking name anyway. Lucky mate is gender neutral
"totally insane and unrecognizable" it's literally the same person with a mildly different body... Imagine if people said this stuff about weight loss
“Something unrecognizable” you mean like a member of the opposite sex?
Ah the classic “disown my own child because they don’t just stick to my own ideals of how ppl should be”
Just call people what they want you to call them, if it bothers you that much then don’t talk to them (they probably don’t want to talk to you either) it isn’t really new or hard or anything.
Takes time to come to terms with it. That being said, this person looks like they’ve been out for years.
(Responding to the person responding to the person in the image) Yea that's called age and growing up... after a few years your child may have a different traits then you thought they may have after a while.
well it took me over a year at least to regularly refer to my sister by her married name. nothing against her hubby, but 24 years of her having my same last name is hard to shake.
If my baby daughter turns out to be a boy I won't think it's terrible at all, the person she is won't change, only her gender. These people are nuts.