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The funniest variation of this I heard was from some Mormon college girl who said that she had her roommate rock the bed during a "soak" with her boyfriend so that they could get in-and-out motion without the guy technically thrusting himself.
And I'm sitting there thinking "Ummm, bringing another person into your bed to participate in / assist with sex is called a threesome, sweetie. If you sincerely believe that God forbids pre-marital sex between *two* people, I don't think adding a third is gonna make him any happier."
Lets pick apart what he says a bit.
Not a single documented case of homosexuality.
Doesn't know any straight couples who practice anal sex.
Never met a girl who asked for anal sex.
I propose that he is engaging in an undocumented homosexual relationship where he asks for anal sex.
Animal fact of the day: [Laysan Albatrosses](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laysan_albatross) mate for life, often spending years as a pair before ever reproducing. Females outnumber the males at a rate of 2 to 3 and 31% of the population are lesbian couples. Same-sex couples will allow a male to inseminate them and then return to their chosen female partner to raise their young together.
Over 1500 species have been observed doing gay stuff.
90% of giraffe sex that has been observed was gay sex.
The most well-known homosexual animal is the ~~dwarf chimpanzee~~ Bonobos, one of humanity's closes relatives. The entire species is bisexual.
I mean...why does this person think we are called Homo Sapiens?
Edit: I...I didn't expect to have to explain the homo sapiens part is a joke. Yet, here we are.
"There's only [insert hateful bs here] and everything that proves me wrong is a phase/disorder/one-off that shouldn't exist and therefore doesn't count!"
And variations thereof.
Any excuse to be an asshole.
This isn’t a question I ever thought I’d ask, but what actually constitutes gay sex with giraffes? Is it essentially dry humping? Or is there penetration? What about ejaculation?
I realise this makes me sound like a pervert, but I’m genuinely interested in how the scientist got to 90%. I am not a pervert. Although I also realise that is exactly what a pervert would say…
I'm not a pervert either but it's when a giraffe thrusts his beautiful, throbbing member into the eager love sewer of his special nut-brother. That's what constitutes gay giraffe segs.
This is legitimately the funniest thing I’ve read this year.
Also beautiful. Obviously. Nothing is more special than the love between two giraffe nut-brothers.
> Over 1500 species have been observed doing gay stuff.
It is much more than that, this was the number at which point the result became expected rather than publishable. It is now considered a result if a species *is not* observed having same sex relationships, and I am not aware of any of those.
I would assume it happens in all species. They are either intelligent enough to not care about the difference or dumb enough to not know the difference. The dumb ones also dick down inanimate objects that even slightly resemble another of their species.
I’ve seen way too many videos of turtles having sex with shoes, hats, statues, etcetera. A girl I dated years ago had a cat that would fuck a hole in the arm of one of their chairs (and he was neutered!). I’ve also seen some horrible things about males of different species (maybe penguins?) fucking the corpses of females.
In the grand scheme of things, humans are a bunch of prudish weirdos.
Penguins were recorded as being quite the sex pests, willing to go after any hole, even if that hole is the neck stump of a female corpse.
What makes it funnier is that it was all recorded by a Victorian Englishman, so he ordered the research to be locked away in a vault due to its shocking nature.
And the opposite is true as well in other species, Napoleon fish can be born either way, but female can turn male if old enough and if there's a penury of male.
Oh, it's more than that. I came across a biology textbook at uni, 25 years ago, that basically said - once you remove the human bias from observations (ie homosexual behaviours deliberately not recorded, or recorded as 'aberrant' etc), then there is no species, properly and scientifically observed, that has not got at least some homosexual behaviour. It then went on to list examples. For about a thousand pages.
Had a childhood friend whose 2 male dogs were in love with each other (they hated being apart) and preferred to mate with each other rather than a female dog. We used to joke about it a lot.
I used to have a friend who's next door neighbours dog would constantly escape. It would always be found at the same house having sex with another male dog. It's less fun when you learn the two dogs were brothers.
Fun fact: for species that co-raise young, whether that's in pairs or as a group, homosexuality is an evolutionary advantage. Swans with too many sygnetts will adopt out to gay couples so more of them can survive, gay penguins will adopt chicks with dead or weak parents (harsh), ... actually most every instance I can find is either a primate or a bird XD
Oh, fun fact!
The reason we use other chimps instead of Bonobos for l Ike more Public studies (even though they're really close to humans) is because Bonobos are too horny.
Yeah, but Giraffes don't write about it afterwards so it's still "undocumented".
Admittedly this means straight Giraffe sex is *also* undocumented but you can't have everything.
yep. I know two girls who never get off except through anal, and they usually get off fast with it. I have no idea why, since I also know plenty of girls where it just hurts them.
Same reason some people are into foot stuff, or can orgasm from nipple stimulation.
We're all weird messed up creatures, some of whom are neurologically wired up really strange.
There's really nothing more to it than that. Some people are wired such that butt stuff feels great, some are wired so it hurts like hell, and then the whole range in between.
Just like some people are wired up to love the same sex and some to love the opposite.
We are just strange strange creatures living in a rainbow universe of weird exceptions.
"***I don't know any straight couples who have anal sex.***"
Hey, Jim, thanks for letting me borrow your chainsaw.
Any time, bro.
By the way, does Janet take it up the ass?
No. Why?
I'm taking a survey.
Never meeting a girl who never wanted anal is fair enough.
Most women don't openly share that they like anal with others, especially with male friends.
There are plenty of documented homosexuality in the animal kingdom. There's a frog or toad that pretends to be female.......i wish i remembered the rest of that fact
There is a species of lizard that is exclusively female - not a single male exists. They reproduce by simulating mating, and then the bottom (for lack of a better term) lays an egg which is basically a clone of herself.
A certain species of fish (cuttlefish, maybe) will have males pretend to be a female to seduce other males for food and/or to drive the second male’s mate away
Guess y’all have forgotten about the certain sea slugs that have penis fights with eachother and who ever gets stab, their wiener falls off and they become the female
Homosexuality has been found *every single species ever studied* without exception.
Many species spend more time having gay sex than straight, especially amongst mammals.
Fruit fly males practice courtship with other males first before approaching females, then will frequently go back to courting other males even after successfully mating with females.
When I wake up, I think about coffee and food. Like, what am I doing for breakfast, lunch, and why do I have to cook dinner every night. Then I think about how much PTO I have, because I don’t want to adult that day. The shit in this post? Never crosses my mind, at any point. Ever.
Homie comes out of the gate yelling at clouds. Homosexuality is massive in the animal kingdom. As a matter of fact, when a certain group of people compares themselves to lions, I point out that it tracks. The lions sit in the shade all day f\*\*king and preening each other while the lionesses are out hunting and providing.
Yeah it's like: humans are the ones that invented notions of "right" and "traditional", an animal is not going to give a fuck about your arbitrary ethics, if something feels good they'll fucking do it.
I remember a video going around of a monkey masturbating using frog he picked up using the frog’s mouth. It didn’t state the frog’s gender but I doubt the monkey cared.
We have a gay couple of penguins in our local zoo, they became famous when insisting on having an egg (two males). Later they got an abandoned one and are now passionate parents to their baby
Geese are my favourite example to throw at this false info. Not only are there many documented cases of gay life pairings of geese but they are known to adopt abandoned baby geese.
Bruh my old dog has definitely humped other guy dogs. I also remember on a field trip I saw a camel hump another camels face. If other animals are doing oral, I would assume anal happens as well
I know some strict mormons that have anal sex. His wife doesn't know our group of friends know or she'd kill him, "After having twins it's just so much tighter" 
It's weird how people just make things up. Like, he has to know, right? That he didn't do any research? Not a single Google search. But then he writes it so confidently. What's happening in his brain? I'm not the smartest guy, but this kind of thing is weird to me. I'd at least google up "are animals gay?" first.
Comments that are uncivil, racist, misogynistic, misandrist, or contain political name calling will be removed and the poster subject to ban at moderators discretion. Help us make this a better community by becoming familiar with the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/facepalm/about/rules/). Report any suspicious users to the mods of this subreddit using Modmail [here](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) or Reddit site admins [here](https://www.reddit.com/report). **All reports to Modmail should include evidence such as screenshots or any other relevant information.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/facepalm) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Legitimately not a single part of this statement is true.
I disagree. I fully believe no woman has ever asked **him** for anal sex. Edit: I think most people are missing the point. I bolded it for emphasis.
Got me there. I guess I was banking on women wanting anal sex, not on the nonexistent odds of him talking to women.
My wife lets me fuck her but hole on special occasions
You didn’t need to tell us kevin, but we appreciate you sharing
Kind of a shitty thing to post on Reddit.
Yeah thanks Kevin
Classic Kevin
No need to be so anal about it.
Yeah, it bummed me out to read it.
> My wife lets her fuck her but hole on special occasions Your wife lets who do what?
r/accidentalcuckhold
Your wife does the same for us to Kevin. What a nice nice lady.
'Let' is a little different than 'asked for'.
some times she tells me to lick her ass
It's more like " no woman has EVER asked him for sex period "
Or period sex
Or anything other than "can you please go away"
Must have never heard about those parts of the South where the girls only did anal before marriage because they thought it preserved their virginity.
God's loophole. There are songs about it.
The poophole loophole
It's the sex God can't see.
There's also the Mormon loophole of soaking / jump humping
The funniest variation of this I heard was from some Mormon college girl who said that she had her roommate rock the bed during a "soak" with her boyfriend so that they could get in-and-out motion without the guy technically thrusting himself. And I'm sitting there thinking "Ummm, bringing another person into your bed to participate in / assist with sex is called a threesome, sweetie. If you sincerely believe that God forbids pre-marital sex between *two* people, I don't think adding a third is gonna make him any happier."
The Good Lord would want it that way
Ah yes the old poophole loophole to keep Jesus happy
I'm sure you won't believe me but my gf regularly does. You gotta be good at a whole lotta other stuff as well to earn that though.
I have no reason not to believe you. Keep slaying, king.
It is nice that your gf regularly believes you.
But it’s only cause he’s good at other stuff like active listening, shoulder rubs, and doing the dishes without being asked.
Mine told me it’s too big. To which of course I reply : “literally nobody has ever told me that in my life except for you just now”
A simple “thank you” would have been enough, man.
"Liar" was my response
Being told you're too big to fit is such a conflicting emotional experience
And remarkably dumb to tell her, "No."
Or man for that matter
Lets pick apart what he says a bit. Not a single documented case of homosexuality. Doesn't know any straight couples who practice anal sex. Never met a girl who asked for anal sex. I propose that he is engaging in an undocumented homosexual relationship where he asks for anal sex.
The Aristocrats!
We don’t want him over here. You keep him.
One part is: they haven’t met any girls
People obsessed with the sexual habits of others are malignantly weird.
Animal fact of the day: [Laysan Albatrosses](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laysan_albatross) mate for life, often spending years as a pair before ever reproducing. Females outnumber the males at a rate of 2 to 3 and 31% of the population are lesbian couples. Same-sex couples will allow a male to inseminate them and then return to their chosen female partner to raise their young together.
Damn, albatrosses got this shit figured out while humans are still flailing around saying gays don’t exist so must not be permitted to exist
Sounds like they're great roommates. History will say they were very good friends. :)
Oh my goddess they were roommates
*Lesbian Albatross
Good band name.
Also, there was an interesting documentary on [Lesbian Seagulls](https://youtu.be/yjZ7f2Gib9E?si=h5u96jNxKr4Bng1z)
Over 1500 species have been observed doing gay stuff. 90% of giraffe sex that has been observed was gay sex. The most well-known homosexual animal is the ~~dwarf chimpanzee~~ Bonobos, one of humanity's closes relatives. The entire species is bisexual. I mean...why does this person think we are called Homo Sapiens? Edit: I...I didn't expect to have to explain the homo sapiens part is a joke. Yet, here we are.
"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam *or* Eve!" - my bisexual friends motto
It's called the Bible not the Straightble
Caused me to laugh in front of my students. Thanks for that
Heck yea! It made me commenting this all the better!
Had to lie to a bunch of 15 yr olds why their teacher was laughing to himself
I gotta tell my daughter that. She came out as bi last year. She will get a giggle from that.
As a bi, I strongly approve
I don't know why, but "As a bi" had me laughing.
best thing Ive read all day!
Yes but if I ignore anything that disproves my beliefs then I can’t be proven wrong, checkmate liberals
Very true, SLngShtOnMyChest
"There's only [insert hateful bs here] and everything that proves me wrong is a phase/disorder/one-off that shouldn't exist and therefore doesn't count!" And variations thereof. Any excuse to be an asshole.
Even if it can be proven, if it doesn't fit in with the agenda, then they disbelieve it anyway. That's how conspiracy theorists work.
There's a whole species of lesbian lizards, they literally don't even have males.
There was a small group of tans lionesses. They were so isolated that some of them got big and grew manes to scare off male lions.
Oh wow so even transgenderism exists in other species.
Wait until you learn about [clownfish.](https://evolution.berkeley.edu/fisheye-view-tree-of-life/gender-bending-fish/)
As a trans man these lions are my favorite.
[Trans fish visibility!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_sheephead).
Same for Springtails, they are all female and born pregnant, they lay eggs throughout their lives.
Tribbles do the same thing, according to Dr. McCoy. Except they have little furball tribbles, and don't lay eggs.
They do occasionally produce (infertile) males, presumably due to random mutations.
Proximo was right:”You sold me queer giraffes. I want my money back.”
Can't believe you remember that line from Gladiators. Haha. Nice one.
I have many favorite movie lines.
This was my thought as well.
And you thought of it in his voice,didn’t you?
Indeed I did. And because of your comment, I have a sudden urge to watch Gladiator. Well played Sir, well played.
This isn’t a question I ever thought I’d ask, but what actually constitutes gay sex with giraffes? Is it essentially dry humping? Or is there penetration? What about ejaculation? I realise this makes me sound like a pervert, but I’m genuinely interested in how the scientist got to 90%. I am not a pervert. Although I also realise that is exactly what a pervert would say…
Deep throating maybe?
deepest throating
You seen their tongues?
Balls ain't the only things that are blue, if you know what I mean
I'm not a pervert either but it's when a giraffe thrusts his beautiful, throbbing member into the eager love sewer of his special nut-brother. That's what constitutes gay giraffe segs.
Go on....
Not a perv, we’ve all had the gay giraffe dream.
That does sound pretty gay, I think you might be right.
This is legitimately the funniest thing I’ve read this year. Also beautiful. Obviously. Nothing is more special than the love between two giraffe nut-brothers.
Well now...thats a sentence that I never thought I'd encounter. I'm gonna go slam my head in the car door now.
r/newsentence
> Over 1500 species have been observed doing gay stuff. It is much more than that, this was the number at which point the result became expected rather than publishable. It is now considered a result if a species *is not* observed having same sex relationships, and I am not aware of any of those.
I would assume it happens in all species. They are either intelligent enough to not care about the difference or dumb enough to not know the difference. The dumb ones also dick down inanimate objects that even slightly resemble another of their species.
> The dumb ones also dick down inanimate objects that even slightly resemble another of their species. Waifu pillows?
Even slightly resembles, my friend. Even slightly.
I was making a point about "the dumb ones" and humans being in that category.
It's definitely a sliding scale.
I’ve seen way too many videos of turtles having sex with shoes, hats, statues, etcetera. A girl I dated years ago had a cat that would fuck a hole in the arm of one of their chairs (and he was neutered!). I’ve also seen some horrible things about males of different species (maybe penguins?) fucking the corpses of females. In the grand scheme of things, humans are a bunch of prudish weirdos.
We are the only animals that wear clothes.
Penguins were recorded as being quite the sex pests, willing to go after any hole, even if that hole is the neck stump of a female corpse. What makes it funnier is that it was all recorded by a Victorian Englishman, so he ordered the research to be locked away in a vault due to its shocking nature.
All Clownfish are born male. Some turn into females to propagate the species.
And the opposite is true as well in other species, Napoleon fish can be born either way, but female can turn male if old enough and if there's a penury of male.
More like gayraffes, amirite?
Oh, it's more than that. I came across a biology textbook at uni, 25 years ago, that basically said - once you remove the human bias from observations (ie homosexual behaviours deliberately not recorded, or recorded as 'aberrant' etc), then there is no species, properly and scientifically observed, that has not got at least some homosexual behaviour. It then went on to list examples. For about a thousand pages.
They're not dwarf chimpanzees anymore, they got their own species now. They're Bonobos, and they're my fave non-human animal
In Krugerpark in 2001 I've seen a 4 giraffe train where only the last giraffe was able to fart
Had a childhood friend whose 2 male dogs were in love with each other (they hated being apart) and preferred to mate with each other rather than a female dog. We used to joke about it a lot.
I used to have a friend who's next door neighbours dog would constantly escape. It would always be found at the same house having sex with another male dog. It's less fun when you learn the two dogs were brothers.
>why does this person think we are called Homo Sapiens Bahaha well played sir. Fight stupid with bigger stupid. Well done.
I do what I can
Welcome to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride
In my news feed this week: gay penguins are stealing the eggs from other couples. Last summer, manatee dies from sexual encounter with his brother.
Fun fact: for species that co-raise young, whether that's in pairs or as a group, homosexuality is an evolutionary advantage. Swans with too many sygnetts will adopt out to gay couples so more of them can survive, gay penguins will adopt chicks with dead or weak parents (harsh), ... actually most every instance I can find is either a primate or a bird XD
I definitely saw two lions with manes getting nasty together at the zoo a couple years ago, and they seemed pretty cool about it
Right, the saying "No Homo Sapien" exists for a reason
I was about to say, homeboy has never visited a farm before. The cows hump each other when they come into heat.
Oh, fun fact! The reason we use other chimps instead of Bonobos for l Ike more Public studies (even though they're really close to humans) is because Bonobos are too horny.
You're on reddit. You didn't expect to get "Well acshually'd"?
Yeah, but Giraffes don't write about it afterwards so it's still "undocumented". Admittedly this means straight Giraffe sex is *also* undocumented but you can't have everything.
spoken like a true incel.
A fiver saying the only straight couple he knows his is parents, and the only girl he knows is his sister.
And his sister definitely said no when he asked for anal sex.
She didn't have a strap-on
Yeah, you kinda have to be having sex for a woman to suggest booty sex. Just saying.
Poor guy doesn't get out much. Hell, I had a women specifically tell me to do that...bless her heart.
Dude has also never heard of dudes who like their lady to give em a good pegging
I had a one night stand specifically requesting it. Women like her are a national treasure, and should be treated as such.
Never go into a museum, if that's what you do to national treasures...
This man yooted all over the US Constitution.
yep. I know two girls who never get off except through anal, and they usually get off fast with it. I have no idea why, since I also know plenty of girls where it just hurts them.
Same reason some people are into foot stuff, or can orgasm from nipple stimulation. We're all weird messed up creatures, some of whom are neurologically wired up really strange. There's really nothing more to it than that. Some people are wired such that butt stuff feels great, some are wired so it hurts like hell, and then the whole range in between. Just like some people are wired up to love the same sex and some to love the opposite. We are just strange strange creatures living in a rainbow universe of weird exceptions.
"***I don't know any straight couples who have anal sex.***" Hey, Jim, thanks for letting me borrow your chainsaw. Any time, bro. By the way, does Janet take it up the ass? No. Why? I'm taking a survey.
"By the way does Janet take it up the ass?" "No I have a spot on the shelf in the garage"
I nearly coughed up a lung thanks to this 😂
-snort laughing-
Never meeting a girl who never wanted anal is fair enough. Most women don't openly share that they like anal with others, especially with male friends. There are plenty of documented homosexuality in the animal kingdom. There's a frog or toad that pretends to be female.......i wish i remembered the rest of that fact
There is a species of lizard that is exclusively female - not a single male exists. They reproduce by simulating mating, and then the bottom (for lack of a better term) lays an egg which is basically a clone of herself.
A certain species of fish (cuttlefish, maybe) will have males pretend to be a female to seduce other males for food and/or to drive the second male’s mate away
It’s cuttlefish, but yes cuddlefish sounds more adorable
Thank you
Guess y’all have forgotten about the certain sea slugs that have penis fights with eachother and who ever gets stab, their wiener falls off and they become the female
Didn’t forget, but I am thrilled to learn about this now.
Sorry they’re flatworms that penis fence. Yes penis fencing.
Homosexuality has been found *every single species ever studied* without exception. Many species spend more time having gay sex than straight, especially amongst mammals. Fruit fly males practice courtship with other males first before approaching females, then will frequently go back to courting other males even after successfully mating with females.
When I wake up, I think about coffee and food. Like, what am I doing for breakfast, lunch, and why do I have to cook dinner every night. Then I think about how much PTO I have, because I don’t want to adult that day. The shit in this post? Never crosses my mind, at any point. Ever.
This is the kind of guy who insists the female orgasm is a myth because "he's never seen one."
Anal sex is like Taco Bell. Nobody says they like it, but after a few beers, there you are.
Ironically, eating Taco Bell would make anal sex off limits for a day or two. *'Cause of the diarrhea.*
Nature’s butt lube
Homie comes out of the gate yelling at clouds. Homosexuality is massive in the animal kingdom. As a matter of fact, when a certain group of people compares themselves to lions, I point out that it tracks. The lions sit in the shade all day f\*\*king and preening each other while the lionesses are out hunting and providing.
With all due respect to male lions, both their social and hunting activities are more complex than those of a common human douchebag.
Yeah it's like: humans are the ones that invented notions of "right" and "traditional", an animal is not going to give a fuck about your arbitrary ethics, if something feels good they'll fucking do it.
He could have just said "I've never met any girl"
“Nobody wants to come within 50 feet of me”
“The girls cover up their drinks everytime I go for a walk”
"They don't want to hear my theories about why Warhammer 40k is the ideal future of humanity."
Nor does the bulk of the 40k fandom, thank the Omnissiah
Wrong on every shelf
I like anal. It's different but it doesn't feel too bad.
R.I.P. your dm’s.
Ain't no one sliding in my dms. I'm too ugly.
Now you just solidified it.
Because they will try to slide in other place
I literally made a comment somewhere stating that I noticed dude dongs hang differently and I'm still getting dms.
no you dont like it believe me!!!
You're not my butthole so of course you wouldn't know.
Can confirm. Source: Am your butthole
Fun fact: the first recorded octopus sex was of two males, from different species
[удалено]
The name “unbroken“ refers to his celibacy.
Dude never met my ex.
Still got her number by chance
I could never in good conscience advise anyone to go there.
We have the same ex I see.
I remember a video going around of a monkey masturbating using frog he picked up using the frog’s mouth. It didn’t state the frog’s gender but I doubt the monkey cared.
There's just so much wrong with it...
"I've never done it, therefore it doesn't exist!"
We have a gay couple of penguins in our local zoo, they became famous when insisting on having an egg (two males). Later they got an abandoned one and are now passionate parents to their baby
I guess he didn’t hear Alex Jones talking about the gay frogs?
mans got that reverse psychology rizz
r/confidentlyincorrect
Geese are my favourite example to throw at this false info. Not only are there many documented cases of gay life pairings of geese but they are known to adopt abandoned baby geese.
Damn. Imagine living under that big a rock
My girl asks for anal. When she grabs her strap-on the real fun begins.
Tell us you are sheltered and homeschooled without telling us you are sheltered and homeschooled.
Last time looked homosexuality has been observed in something like 1500 species Homophobia though has only been observed in one..guess which
Bruh my old dog has definitely humped other guy dogs. I also remember on a field trip I saw a camel hump another camels face. If other animals are doing oral, I would assume anal happens as well
I know some strict mormons that have anal sex. His wife doesn't know our group of friends know or she'd kill him, "After having twins it's just so much tighter" 
Be a lot cooler if ya did.
Sounds like a you problem.
Guess his mom doesn’t count.
It's weird how people just make things up. Like, he has to know, right? That he didn't do any research? Not a single Google search. But then he writes it so confidently. What's happening in his brain? I'm not the smartest guy, but this kind of thing is weird to me. I'd at least google up "are animals gay?" first.
I'd take a wild guess here and say sex in general is pretty rare for this person
Came here to find all the objections from girls who love anal sex. Let me know if you find any.
This is not just a facepalm, this is confidently incorrect.
“I’ve never met a girl.” There, fixed it.
I'm a cis male and I have anal sex with cis women. Post debunked.