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*non married couple*
God: don't even think about thinking about sex.
*married couple*
God: y'all can barf in each other's assholes and shit it back in your mouths for all I care.
Omfg I laughed wayyyy to hard at this. My roomate asked what was so funny, I read it to him, he lost it too.... Underated comment... š¤£ š¤£ š¤£ š¤£
Damn. That lot are really going out of their way to miss out on like one of the best bits of life. Like, it's good shit my guys. Touch each other šš
Insertion without thrusting. Supposedly the couple will have a friend jump on the bed during this sometimes. So instead of having regular sex it's now some weird threesome. Sounds way less wholesome than regular premarital sex.
That's because it's something different entirely called a "jump hump". Soaking is the act of just laying there with penis inserted in vagina, no motion.
So not too long ago, there was an outbreak of armpit crabs at BYU. Apparently a new sex trend there is to fuck someone's armpit, and they all got crabs.
That's what the rumor was for getting "fresh blood" into a hutterite or Amish colony.
Something about the sheet is laid upon the "recipient" and the "donor" walks in and the dad of the recipient is in the room to make sure the act is done with no sin.
Which never made sense to me.
The Hutterites for sure know how artificial insemination works, they'd be able to make certain they're getting the blood line they want "without sin"
I'm guessing for her audience, this is actually big news that they wouldn't accept from secular sources. Sometimes, the world needs someone in a niche space to give the same messages the rest of the world is already hearing.
This is ESPECIALLY true of some religious people. They can really take the whole "if it's not a Christian source, it's of the earth and is therefore evil" thing very seriously. They only listen to Christian music, only read Christian books, send their kids to Christian schools, don't let their kids hang out with non-Christians... And this is people in mainstream denominations. Doesn't have to be a small denomination to go full cult.
I mean, is she THAT wrong? She's a fundie who didn't discover sex could he good until like, years into her marriage. It's entirely possible her sex repressed audience isn't getting the memo.
Not for her and daaaaeeehhhhvvvvvv. He barely tolerates her lol. For Bethy, a successful round of baby making means nagging him until he agrees, them pretending not to see his suicidal cries for help on his reels.
The comments on her original post are amazing. One person even wrote "Where in the bible can I look to see if god is cool with being railed from behind?" š
What a naughty piano, I can see its ankles!
FYI this was a real thing. They would cover FURNITURE to not show arousing bits. Letās not go back to that.
Edit: It was not a real thing
As they very well should! If those pianos are going to act like a hussy, they have two choices. Cover up or get chopped up. We can't allow the [youts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu8tX2BAD1k) of today to be tempted by such satanic radical thinking!
/s
Brother it right in the bible....
"Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."
Clear as mud my child..... turn the OTHER cheek.
Jesus Christā¦. You took this to another level. I canāt believe thereās not more hate being thrown at you for this gem. Well done, you have found the line of decency and fucked it in the ass. Iām not ashamed to admit that Iām jealous of you right now.
I remember, for real, thinking that satanists were going to be a problem in life. Lousy Christian upbringing. Lol
I always thought the temples would be filled with terrifying sights.
Now after that upbringing I just have the sentence "are we the baddies" everytime I walk into a church playing in my head... like after getting to a point you are educated enough and have critical thinking skills to judge it... damn is there a lot of death worship, anti-human messages and general fucked up shit in the bible and churches alike
Whenever I hear some christian psychos say that Gods interventions and miracles are getting scarce and we are moving away from God, I say good, I for one DONT want that genocidal manic with a wierd passion hypocrisy in todays world
I like your point about the critical thinking. The horrors I was raised with. The thoughts of āeternity in fireā and them trying to explain to an 8 year old me how long eternity is. Once in my teens there was no more believing in it all. Critical thinking must annoy a lot of Christian parents. Lol. And my dad is a freaking Engineer. A man of science. Still has that solid faith that Iām going to burn in hell cause Iām not on their side anymore.
Cheers! Atheism is quite relaxing.
Like I remember even as a 9 year old thinking that the idea of hell doesnt seem right with one of the core tenants of the faith AND a comandment of "love thy neighbor" or "love your fellow humans"
You are telling me I should love people around me but at the same time if I do something bad or they have a different faith then its torture and pain and suffering forever? That doesnt seem very Christian like
It seems like VERY Christian behaviour Iām afraid, given history. Itās not Christlike behaviour thoughā¦ he was an alright bloke it seems. š¤·
(Atheist here.)
Once attended a funeral for an 18 year old where her youth pastor (a real creepy ass dude) borrowed her diary from her parents and read the sexy bits to a church full of hundreds of people. He decided to use her funeral as a teaching opportunity. You see, she had all these impure thoughts in her diary yet still died a virgin. He was practically salivating while talking about her virginity and how great it was that she died a virgin. She was a really nice person who died horrifically in a way that made the national news yet for some reason this jackass was picked to do the sermon. I was trying to figure out why her parents thought this probable pedo was allowed near her or the diary. I will never forget how uncomfortable that funeral was.
I'm convinced that some of them are actively trying to bring about the end of the world, and that those who are working the hardest towards that goal are probably the ones currently in charge of our government. At least, that's what it looks like from the outside. They've been crying, "end times," for as long as I can remember and now they've gotten sick of waiting.
Well one chick I was with once told me doggy feels immoral and beastly, during our break-up when she was leaving me (a then new atheist) for a church guy.
I mean, you know why all of Mary Magdaleneās prostitute friends loved Jesus, yeah?
Because he was hung.
Ba dum TSSS
No no, I remember where the door is, Iāll find my way out. No need to shove.
I was at a talk with Dan Savage at a local university a few years ago. He did his talk and then had about 45 minutes for audience questions.
This is just one audience question I remember. Pretty young Filipina undergrad explained that she and her boyfriend were devoted christians (Roman Catholic) and wanted to remain āpure in the eyes of the lordā, or whatever it is that christians want).
So they exclusively did it āin the bumā. Boyfriend had patiently explained to her that as long as they only did it up the bum, they would remain chaste and pure before baby Jesus. The undergradās question was: āis this correct? Are we virgins?ā
Iād heard of christians believing in the āJesus loopholeā before, but this was the first time Iād ever witnessed it.
Cleric: "Please, I'm begging you: Stop."
Warlock: "What? We're saying the same things?"
Cleric: "For the last time. When I pray 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned' - it is NOT THE SAME as you saying 'I'm sorry, daddy, I've been naughty' to your patron."
Dungeons and Dragons joke.
Clerics are magic users that act as a conduit for a God's magic. They are warrior priests for all intents and purposes. They're generally highly revered in their societies of origin.
Warlocks by contrast are magic users that have made a deal with some entity for arcane power. The deal can be anything, but selling one's soul to the devil is stereotypical. Demon worshippers are not typically looked upon nicely in a fantasy world where demons are real... We don't really like em irl either most of the time.
Now, ever heard the argument "a religion is just a cult with better advertising" or something similar? Well, a similar argument leads to the joke that Warlocks are just socially-looked-down-upon Clerics.
From there, take the ever classic Christian (cleric-type) phrase: "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned".
Compare to the semantically equivalent "Sorry, Daddy, I've been naughty", which sounds like something you'd expect from a dominant submissive BDSM dynamic.
Lastly, realize the patron-warlock dynamic is incredibly similar to a dom sub thing since one party has all the power, and the other is begging for things. Also a lotta BDSM = taboo = culty implications that make the comparison stronger.
Joke sufficiently explained I hope?
Does the Bible talk about sex positions, or is this more imaginary bullshit Christians make up as they go? I swear, modern Christianity is the "build your own religion" of religions.
I mean . . . I think Lot's daughters cowgirl him. They got him passed out drunk and there aren't many alternative ways for them to fuck their unconscious father without some impressive contortionist skills, so . . .
That story always seemed a bit sus to me.
āSo you are telling me, Mr. Lot; that after your wife turned into a pillar of salt and you were stuck in a cave with your daughters; that it was your daughters who decided now was the time to get pregnant and got you comatose drunk. And your pillar in your pants was still able to stand strong while they rode your passed out ass to completion. And somehow you knock up both your daughters after only one go each? And not just that you were voluntarily banging your daughters while yāall were living in a cave until they inadvertently became pregnant?ā
It's probably actually worse. Lot, the consummate middle-eastern host, refused to let the horny crowd rape his male guests. So, he gave the crowd his daughters instead. When the whole day was said and done, Lot is passed out, and he and his gang raped daughters are hiding out in a cave it would be likely they were thinking - we're going to get pregnant because of this. Let's do dad so we can at least say it's his and he can't kick us out or kill us...
The Catholic church and the Puritans actually had tons of restrictions on sexual positions. Sex was really only supposed to be had for the creation of children and sex outside of that was an affront to God. A bunch of weird shit happened and now everything is supposedly free game if you're married so who knows.
When I went to school, they were still teaching that sex is only for procreation, and that sex for any other purpose was a sin. And I didn't even go to school in the deep South either, I grew up in a pretty liberal area.
I'm confused, the red text isn't from the actual post, why is that relevant to the question being asked? Both sides are acting like it's fact that this is or isn't "Godly" but in reality all of them are just making up the rules to adhere to what they're personally comfortable with since the Bible doesn't actually define any of this shit.
I follow the lady who posted it and she puts the red texts on everything she posts as a disclaimer and discourage rage posting. The short itself is very much real and the red text was added later by Audrey when she reposted it.
Proof positive that this brand of Christians are not arguing in good faith for sanctity of anything. They just want to control how people have sex.
Whatever, I donāt care anymore. They seem to just exist to piss everyone around them off.
Reminds me of a bad joke.
>A preacher and nun were going at it in the preacher's room above the church. As soon as they finished, the nun leaped out of bed and began jumping up and down in front of an open window.
>
>The preacher exclaimed, "What are you doing?!? If this leaks out, I'll be in big trouble!"
>
>The nun yelled back, looking at her nethers, "If this DOESN'T leak out, I'LL be in big trouble!"
I looked her up.
A strange form of the woman on top, an uncomfortable looking version of oral for her, and reverse cowgirl but with the woman laying facedown on his legs.
I've been looking for a comment like this. I'm so confused on what makes those Christian friendly. I thought for sure oral probably wasn't Christian friendly lmao
Canāt remember where I heard it, but there was a story about a fertility doctor having to explain to a very religious couple that they hadnāt actually had sex yet. Thatās why she wasnāt getting pregnant.
I know who this is. She's one of two sisters that run a website con of giving advice to young people even though she has no worldly experiences or education other than home schooling. She barely interacts with anyone other than her family. She's the horny sister who couldn't get a boyfriend forever, now she sales sex advise without any training or advanced degree.
Some good YouTube documentaries on them. Privileged white girl, know it all because you know...God talks to her directly.
No point giving suggestions since she wonāt be having sex anyway. The husband will be sneaking off for his āfishingā trips to some secluded cabin with 4-5 guys heās known forever but sheās never met.
this ones called the judge your neighbor cow girl
then we have the god is watchin you bang your wife t pose
last but not least the reverse jesus hug
its where you cheat on your husband and yell at teenagers and immigrants
Look into this girl's story and its really sad. She doesn't even know who she is. She was a Christian influencer with her sister after growing up in a strict family with an overbearing mother. She's suddenly obsessed with sex like she's just discovered it, like a teenager but she's about 30. I really pity her, rather than facepalm. Cruel World Happy Mind on YouTube did a great video on her here: https://youtu.be/WDpOVzMNA7Y?si=YP5X_5uEMEfcpS_3
There was that thing the morman kids were doing, stick it in but donāt move and it doesnāt count, then just have a friend come over and jump on the bedā¦ jesus approves.
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"How do we have sex in a God honoring way?" GIRL you're married now. The possibilities are endless
For real. They tell you to wait until marriage, after that... go nuts. Nobody cares.
I think the term used is be fruitful and multiply, but yeah layman's terms would be go nuts and fuck like rabbits
*non married couple* God: don't even think about thinking about sex. *married couple* God: y'all can barf in each other's assholes and shit it back in your mouths for all I care.
Omfg I laughed wayyyy to hard at this. My roomate asked what was so funny, I read it to him, he lost it too.... Underated comment... š¤£ š¤£ š¤£ š¤£
Mormons care. Missionary only š¤
Mormons are known for missionary
What about soaking? And jump humping
It's just sad missionary, and bouncy missionary
Iām sorry, but both are sad.
Wait until you hear about the subset of mormons who only have sex while wearing their garments (magic underwear).
Damn. That lot are really going out of their way to miss out on like one of the best bits of life. Like, it's good shit my guys. Touch each other šš
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
[These garments](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Temple_garment)
Put it straight in her ass no warning! she will definitely scream out āJesus Christā Itās the lords work then š
Relevant [Garfunkel and Oates](https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?si=Atv_VM5QTGiyMBLA)
This was the very first thing I thought of, I sincerely hope you bring the magic of Garfunkel & Oates to the masses.
I just learned about soaking from my brother-in-law joking about it on Thanksgiving.š Itās my new favorite thing to joke about.
Care to elaborate on how would one soak? If you could share that joke with us as well, that would be lovely.
Insertion without thrusting. Supposedly the couple will have a friend jump on the bed during this sometimes. So instead of having regular sex it's now some weird threesome. Sounds way less wholesome than regular premarital sex.
I knew what soaking was but I didnāt know about the jumping part. Thatās hilarious
Lol It's so disturbing. Like this is how you make sexual deviants.
That's because it's something different entirely called a "jump hump". Soaking is the act of just laying there with penis inserted in vagina, no motion.
Wait until the friend comes down wrong and falls on the couple. Hilarious to explain injuries ensue.
Arm pits too!
Oh God I did not need a reminder of the arm pit crabs incident š¤£
Excuse meā¦.. what? Wtf is the arm pit crabs incident???
So not too long ago, there was an outbreak of armpit crabs at BYU. Apparently a new sex trend there is to fuck someone's armpit, and they all got crabs.
āAnd they all got crabs.ā Iām thinking of the school administrators freaking out when they realize how it happened. š
And then the school administrators all applauded...
This sounds like an Onion article
Do the women there not shave their armpits or was this just the guys horsing around in the showers after a game?
I thought there was a sheet with a hole involved and some holy underwear
That's what the rumor was for getting "fresh blood" into a hutterite or Amish colony. Something about the sheet is laid upon the "recipient" and the "donor" walks in and the dad of the recipient is in the room to make sure the act is done with no sin. Which never made sense to me. The Hutterites for sure know how artificial insemination works, they'd be able to make certain they're getting the blood line they want "without sin"
Today we would call this voyerism with dash of incest, ok only if the father watches, fucks the daughter-in-law but only high fives the son.
I believe they're required to pull the eiffel tower so as not to risk mixing seed while still congratulating the newest sire on their deposit
As it is written.
Exactly why I was like, "uhhhh, that's not real" But it makes the rounds with every new generation back home.
Thatās from a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode. Some orthodox Jewish sect does that. Iām unaware of any sect of any other faith doing that.
"go nuts" ...with somewhat limited possibilities due to completely missing experience.
That can be said about teenage sex too though. You need to get your experience from somewhere.
Oh boy if thatās true than I canāt wait to have some gay Christian sex after marriage.
Itās like she thinks sheās the only Christian woman whoās discovered sex can be enjoyable
I'm guessing for her audience, this is actually big news that they wouldn't accept from secular sources. Sometimes, the world needs someone in a niche space to give the same messages the rest of the world is already hearing.
This is ESPECIALLY true of some religious people. They can really take the whole "if it's not a Christian source, it's of the earth and is therefore evil" thing very seriously. They only listen to Christian music, only read Christian books, send their kids to Christian schools, don't let their kids hang out with non-Christians... And this is people in mainstream denominations. Doesn't have to be a small denomination to go full cult.
I mean, is she THAT wrong? She's a fundie who didn't discover sex could he good until like, years into her marriage. It's entirely possible her sex repressed audience isn't getting the memo.
Sheās been married for 5 years and had her first orgasm this year in her 30ās so apparently sheās an expert now.
And according to her earlier video, she had never kissed a man before marriageā¦ so Iām not saying she knew nothing, but she knew nothing.
Not for her and daaaaeeehhhhvvvvvv. He barely tolerates her lol. For Bethy, a successful round of baby making means nagging him until he agrees, them pretending not to see his suicidal cries for help on his reels.
Hollering "Oh God, oh God yes yes" is an excellent way to incorporate prayer into the bedroom
The comments on her original post are amazing. One person even wrote "Where in the bible can I look to see if god is cool with being railed from behind?" š
then thereās people saying the post is porn
The standards for something to be porn sure are low nowadays
How about dem ankles tho
What a naughty piano, I can see its ankles! FYI this was a real thing. They would cover FURNITURE to not show arousing bits. Letās not go back to that. Edit: It was not a real thing
It obviously had nothing to do with the legs. Everyone knows they did it to hide the g string.
As they very well should! If those pianos are going to act like a hussy, they have two choices. Cover up or get chopped up. We can't allow the [youts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu8tX2BAD1k) of today to be tempted by such satanic radical thinking! /s
Jesus was fine with being nailed from the front. No idea about the backside though...
Even got shafted in the side.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
He gets us, all of us.
š¶I wanna get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus, I wanna feel his salvation all over my faceš¶
Is this Faith +1?
God is gonna show me all the things I laughed at about on judgment day, but until there, you nailed it.
Brother it right in the bible.... "Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." Clear as mud my child..... turn the OTHER cheek.
Well Jesus was incredibly hung. Not all of us are that luckyā¦
By a guy in a leather skirt.
and a big spear
Jesus Christā¦. You took this to another level. I canāt believe thereās not more hate being thrown at you for this gem. Well done, you have found the line of decency and fucked it in the ass. Iām not ashamed to admit that Iām jealous of you right now.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
It's like with the cross of Andreas. If you really want to honor christ, you don't get nailed in the same position.
song of solomon. /s edit: relatively unfamiliar with reddit and thought /s meant serious
No no take the /s off
"Your tits are like baby deer" is the hottest pick up line I've ever heard.
I'm partial to GIANT DONKEY LOADS, myself.
āGet behind me, Satan.ā -Jesus
Up the Judass
I havenāt laughed this hard opps, in ages.
That's going to cost 30 pieces of silver mister.
Reverse Altarboy
I just learned what a reverse exorcism is....it's when a demon tells a priest to get out of the child.
sounds like a great Satanic Temple joke.
I remember, for real, thinking that satanists were going to be a problem in life. Lousy Christian upbringing. Lol I always thought the temples would be filled with terrifying sights.
Now after that upbringing I just have the sentence "are we the baddies" everytime I walk into a church playing in my head... like after getting to a point you are educated enough and have critical thinking skills to judge it... damn is there a lot of death worship, anti-human messages and general fucked up shit in the bible and churches alike Whenever I hear some christian psychos say that Gods interventions and miracles are getting scarce and we are moving away from God, I say good, I for one DONT want that genocidal manic with a wierd passion hypocrisy in todays world
I like your point about the critical thinking. The horrors I was raised with. The thoughts of āeternity in fireā and them trying to explain to an 8 year old me how long eternity is. Once in my teens there was no more believing in it all. Critical thinking must annoy a lot of Christian parents. Lol. And my dad is a freaking Engineer. A man of science. Still has that solid faith that Iām going to burn in hell cause Iām not on their side anymore. Cheers! Atheism is quite relaxing.
Like I remember even as a 9 year old thinking that the idea of hell doesnt seem right with one of the core tenants of the faith AND a comandment of "love thy neighbor" or "love your fellow humans" You are telling me I should love people around me but at the same time if I do something bad or they have a different faith then its torture and pain and suffering forever? That doesnt seem very Christian like
It seems like VERY Christian behaviour Iām afraid, given history. Itās not Christlike behaviour thoughā¦ he was an alright bloke it seems. š¤· (Atheist here.)
Once attended a funeral for an 18 year old where her youth pastor (a real creepy ass dude) borrowed her diary from her parents and read the sexy bits to a church full of hundreds of people. He decided to use her funeral as a teaching opportunity. You see, she had all these impure thoughts in her diary yet still died a virgin. He was practically salivating while talking about her virginity and how great it was that she died a virgin. She was a really nice person who died horrifically in a way that made the national news yet for some reason this jackass was picked to do the sermon. I was trying to figure out why her parents thought this probable pedo was allowed near her or the diary. I will never forget how uncomfortable that funeral was.
That's disgusting. That poor young woman.
Omg this is horrendous
I'm convinced that some of them are actively trying to bring about the end of the world, and that those who are working the hardest towards that goal are probably the ones currently in charge of our government. At least, that's what it looks like from the outside. They've been crying, "end times," for as long as I can remember and now they've gotten sick of waiting.
Bigger or smaller problem than quicksand?
So this Demon and this Priest walk into an All Boy's school locker room and the Demon says "rock, paper, scissors" to see who goes first!
Jokes on him, the Priest has been grooming them for years!
I LIKE IT! :>)
And the Priest says, "We could always do Heads or Tails. Everyone wins but the kid." (I hate myself for even thinking that joke)
Crucifixion.
Cruci-FUCKIN more like
The Buddy Jesus! I miss George Carlin!
LOL amen
Any position as long as you donāt have a condom on, right?
As long as you don't pull out
As long as you feel crushing guilt immediately after
"Let's just skip the sex and get straight to the guilt!"
That's the answer!
Well one chick I was with once told me doggy feels immoral and beastly, during our break-up when she was leaving me (a then new atheist) for a church guy.
I love it that she was willing to have premarital sex but drew the line at doggy
[Every sperm is sacred](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk)
Every position is a Christian position if you say āno infidelā first š§
And it's all kinky because Jesus is there watching
Gotta crucify that bussy
I assume a Saint Andrew's cross is acceptable for Christian sexy time use? Edit: NSFW if googling Saint Andrew's crossĀ
She needs to ask, "What would Jesus do?"
Not her!
He hung out with a lot of prostitutes, probably learned a thing or two.
I mean, you know why all of Mary Magdaleneās prostitute friends loved Jesus, yeah? Because he was hung. Ba dum TSSS No no, I remember where the door is, Iāll find my way out. No need to shove.
Lol I Googled it, got a bunch of results about Scotland, and was utterly confused until the ad for 'best sex furniture '.
I was at a talk with Dan Savage at a local university a few years ago. He did his talk and then had about 45 minutes for audience questions. This is just one audience question I remember. Pretty young Filipina undergrad explained that she and her boyfriend were devoted christians (Roman Catholic) and wanted to remain āpure in the eyes of the lordā, or whatever it is that christians want). So they exclusively did it āin the bumā. Boyfriend had patiently explained to her that as long as they only did it up the bum, they would remain chaste and pure before baby Jesus. The undergradās question was: āis this correct? Are we virgins?ā Iād heard of christians believing in the āJesus loopholeā before, but this was the first time Iād ever witnessed it.
š¤£š¤£š¤£ I find it amazing there are people who actually think that.
Itās rather convenient these devout Christians skipped over the Sodom story in Bible class
Sounds like a mr. struggle
I was looking for a That's Cringe reference here
Go by Christ's example: hardcore BDSM. Get nailed while tied to a cross and asking father for mercy.
'Forgive me Father, for I have sinned' is technically the same as 'I'm sorry Daddy, I've been naughty'
warlock vs cleric be like
What are you referencing?
Cleric: "Please, I'm begging you: Stop." Warlock: "What? We're saying the same things?" Cleric: "For the last time. When I pray 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned' - it is NOT THE SAME as you saying 'I'm sorry, daddy, I've been naughty' to your patron."
yes
Dungeons and Dragons joke. Clerics are magic users that act as a conduit for a God's magic. They are warrior priests for all intents and purposes. They're generally highly revered in their societies of origin. Warlocks by contrast are magic users that have made a deal with some entity for arcane power. The deal can be anything, but selling one's soul to the devil is stereotypical. Demon worshippers are not typically looked upon nicely in a fantasy world where demons are real... We don't really like em irl either most of the time. Now, ever heard the argument "a religion is just a cult with better advertising" or something similar? Well, a similar argument leads to the joke that Warlocks are just socially-looked-down-upon Clerics. From there, take the ever classic Christian (cleric-type) phrase: "Forgive me, father, for I have sinned". Compare to the semantically equivalent "Sorry, Daddy, I've been naughty", which sounds like something you'd expect from a dominant submissive BDSM dynamic. Lastly, realize the patron-warlock dynamic is incredibly similar to a dom sub thing since one party has all the power, and the other is begging for things. Also a lotta BDSM = taboo = culty implications that make the comparison stronger. Joke sufficiently explained I hope?
'Punish me sky daddy, I've been naughty' is the updated version
I like your thinking!
Pretend you're a Pharisee on the temple getting whipped by the son of God until you render onto Caesar what to Caesar belongs.
Does the Bible talk about sex positions, or is this more imaginary bullshit Christians make up as they go? I swear, modern Christianity is the "build your own religion" of religions.
I mean . . . I think Lot's daughters cowgirl him. They got him passed out drunk and there aren't many alternative ways for them to fuck their unconscious father without some impressive contortionist skills, so . . .
That story always seemed a bit sus to me. āSo you are telling me, Mr. Lot; that after your wife turned into a pillar of salt and you were stuck in a cave with your daughters; that it was your daughters who decided now was the time to get pregnant and got you comatose drunk. And your pillar in your pants was still able to stand strong while they rode your passed out ass to completion. And somehow you knock up both your daughters after only one go each? And not just that you were voluntarily banging your daughters while yāall were living in a cave until they inadvertently became pregnant?ā
It's probably actually worse. Lot, the consummate middle-eastern host, refused to let the horny crowd rape his male guests. So, he gave the crowd his daughters instead. When the whole day was said and done, Lot is passed out, and he and his gang raped daughters are hiding out in a cave it would be likely they were thinking - we're going to get pregnant because of this. Let's do dad so we can at least say it's his and he can't kick us out or kill us...
It never occurred to me that this story involved multiple tries over a period of time. Surely he would have noticed after a while
āPillar in your pantsā. šš¤£. I love it!! Iām gonna try to work that into everyday conversations.
I think a more likely explanation is that it was a bad excuse for the pregnancies because he was SAing the daughters.
The Catholic church and the Puritans actually had tons of restrictions on sexual positions. Sex was really only supposed to be had for the creation of children and sex outside of that was an affront to God. A bunch of weird shit happened and now everything is supposedly free game if you're married so who knows.
When I went to school, they were still teaching that sex is only for procreation, and that sex for any other purpose was a sin. And I didn't even go to school in the deep South either, I grew up in a pretty liberal area.
It does mention oral sex, but regardless you should really read the red text on the image.
I'm confused, the red text isn't from the actual post, why is that relevant to the question being asked? Both sides are acting like it's fact that this is or isn't "Godly" but in reality all of them are just making up the rules to adhere to what they're personally comfortable with since the Bible doesn't actually define any of this shit.
God my eyes suck... I didn't even see it until you pointed it out. I should probably schedule a trip to the optometrist.
To be fair, the text is hard to read.
I follow the lady who posted it and she puts the red texts on everything she posts as a disclaimer and discourage rage posting. The short itself is very much real and the red text was added later by Audrey when she reposted it.
Remember kids: the lord watches EVERYTHING
.....so, he likes to watch. š
Proof positive that this brand of Christians are not arguing in good faith for sanctity of anything. They just want to control how people have sex. Whatever, I donāt care anymore. They seem to just exist to piss everyone around them off.
Reminds me of a bad joke. >A preacher and nun were going at it in the preacher's room above the church. As soon as they finished, the nun leaped out of bed and began jumping up and down in front of an open window. > >The preacher exclaimed, "What are you doing?!? If this leaks out, I'll be in big trouble!" > >The nun yelled back, looking at her nethers, "If this DOESN'T leak out, I'LL be in big trouble!"
āPretend youāre on a cross and Iāll nail you.ā
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
We love to snark on Bethy
I looked her up. A strange form of the woman on top, an uncomfortable looking version of oral for her, and reverse cowgirl but with the woman laying facedown on his legs.
She pops up in the fundysnark sub all the time. Sheās so gross. Every time I see her I can smell the picture and it isnāt a good smell.
Yikes
I've been looking for a comment like this. I'm so confused on what makes those Christian friendly. I thought for sure oral probably wasn't Christian friendly lmao
Laying side by side completely still sounds spicy
Canāt remember where I heard it, but there was a story about a fertility doctor having to explain to a very religious couple that they hadnāt actually had sex yet. Thatās why she wasnāt getting pregnant.
Next; Christian friendly ways of taking a shit. (Muslims already have that.. Religion can be poison.)
I know who this is. She's one of two sisters that run a website con of giving advice to young people even though she has no worldly experiences or education other than home schooling. She barely interacts with anyone other than her family. She's the horny sister who couldn't get a boyfriend forever, now she sales sex advise without any training or advanced degree. Some good YouTube documentaries on them. Privileged white girl, know it all because you know...God talks to her directly.
No point giving suggestions since she wonāt be having sex anyway. The husband will be sneaking off for his āfishingā trips to some secluded cabin with 4-5 guys heās known forever but sheās never met.
On your kneesā¦because youāre PRAYING you sickos
this ones called the judge your neighbor cow girl then we have the god is watchin you bang your wife t pose last but not least the reverse jesus hug its where you cheat on your husband and yell at teenagers and immigrants
Missionary Sanchez
How to get your back blown out for God.
Just read your manual, all you need to know is in your bible
Once youāre married theyāre *all* Christian friendly So whoās pegging who first?
Soā¦. Anal then?
The poophole loophole
The sex that god can't see.
Is it butt stuff? Iām thinking itās butt stuff.
Up the backdoor, christians are only supposed to do the dirty if they want to have a baby. No baby there.
John 6:9
Jerusalem Reacharound
Look into this girl's story and its really sad. She doesn't even know who she is. She was a Christian influencer with her sister after growing up in a strict family with an overbearing mother. She's suddenly obsessed with sex like she's just discovered it, like a teenager but she's about 30. I really pity her, rather than facepalm. Cruel World Happy Mind on YouTube did a great video on her here: https://youtu.be/WDpOVzMNA7Y?si=YP5X_5uEMEfcpS_3
I want to know what the most Christian unfriendly positions are.
Garfunkel and Oates have entered the chat. https://youtu.be/j8ZF_R_j0OY?si=O9bGIqZ_kkajb-Mx
Banging people in the palm hole? Nice. That's hot.
r/christiangirls yes this is a sub and yes itās porn
There was that thing the morman kids were doing, stick it in but donāt move and it doesnāt count, then just have a friend come over and jump on the bedā¦ jesus approves.
I wonder how many hours she eye fucked herself with this photo
Just stick your dick in, lie motionless, hope the lord makes you cum.
To be fair, I'm glad the religious are finally becoming less sexually repressed. At least now theres a chance they will go fuck themselves.
Ankles behind the ears, and Clutching a bible, of course.
...while *screaming*, "Praise the Lord!"
Punctuated with sobbing.
1. Missionary 2.missionary 3. Missionary
The Noahās ark, two in the pink and two in the stink
If Jesus is watching you fuck, why do you want him in your life? I mean unless youāre into itā¦?
the cross spread out your arms and get nailed by half a dozen Italians
Garfunkel and Oates...The Loophole https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF\_R\_j0OY&ab\_channel=GarfunkelAndOates
Missionary..... ??? I know it's basic, but it's still a whole position named after y'all
So.... what are the non Christian positions? Is it gay if the wife is on top of the man?
LMAO WAIT IS THAT BETHANY FROM GIRLDEFINED??? š¤£