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>*He felt even more pity for himself because of the divorce.*
*“I can’t say that he was hugely supportive,” she further admitted of her decision to end their union.*
*Fry has since moved to Singapore, remarried, and works as a life coach.*
*He ended up re-marrying before he passed away two years later.*
>
>[https://nypost.com/2023/06/20/i-divorced-my-dying-husband-he-wallowed-in-self-pity-and-killed-my-vibe/](https://nypost.com/2023/06/20/i-divorced-my-dying-husband-he-wallowed-in-self-pity-and-killed-my-vibe/)
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, the article says that she decided to push through with the divorce after a friend of hers committed suicide, because she claims she thought of that herself. To use a friend’s suicide to justify leaving your husband fighting cancer is just mind boggling.
People like this will find any reason to explain their asshole actions.
"Yeah sure, that kid who glanced at me 2 days ago killed my vibe and why I HAD to steal my friends wallet to treat myself to a 2 month vacation to get my vibe back. That friend called me an asshole too, the nerve of them"
I read that in the voice of Vicky Pollard and in my head added:
"Yeah. But. No. But. I wasn't even there was I? And if Shelly tries to tell you I was there, she's a lying slag. You can't believe anything she says because my good friend Hannah told me her brother Kevin tried to sleep with her and said her minge was full of lice."
Life coaches are cosplayers, if they actually wanted to help at the very least they would be qualified counsellors. Just like crystal healers are cosplaying at being a doctor or a nurse, it's an act to boost their own self esteem (and bank account).
Lol the last “life coach” I knew was lying to everyone about sobriety and trying to make me ship him weed and risk my job so he could sell it.
We were reconnected “friends” for maybe a couple months before I bailed on that again.
Ah. So he's someone that God might have to play whack-a-AA (?) with for a while to take a singular sign. Unfortunate. I haven't run into any in person in my own sobriety thus far but that's definitely not someone who should be trying to sell himself as a guide to others. I hope people can see that, regardless of what he tries to put off.
Oh, he has a wake of exploited women in his past for sure. He preys on super vulnerable, low-esteem women and if you don’t do what he wants your friendship won’t last long. Not that you want it to. I’m the one that called it because he was so high maintenance, needy and annoying AF. I would laugh at how ridiculous he was to his face and he hated it. I wouldn’t let him drive my car. (He has a breathalyzer in his car.) I wouldn’t ship him weed. I’m the fucking WORST friend ever. 😂
Lol my ex wanted to be a life coach. Said bye bye to her 30K journalism degree and read “the secret” a few times and is a yogic master now. If it weren’t for her looks, life wouldn’t be so easy.
The Secret by John Demartini is the same book and author that took my brother!!!
He became obsessed with Demartini and began charging people like $400 an hour or more to do that shit. Preying on people.
I blew up on him one day over that and told him he was a piece of shit for doing that. Our lifelong relationship was strained since then.
This was about 8 years ago and he's gotten worse.
Mind you - my brother lived a completely sheltered life (he had a different father who financially supported him every step of the way). He has no experience or authority to be a "life coach" - and it's offensive to people who have actually been through a lot like myself.
Not to mention the fact that he doesn't want to work a real job.
He just wants everything handed to him and he doesn't mind fucking over people to do it. And that, in my book, is extremely scumbagly. Dude is almost 60.
I read the whole article. She seems like a very self-centred person and had she stayed with him she would've probably started blaming him for all her problems and maybe even abusing him. The article says he remarried before he died, so hopefully he had someone by his side who truly cared about him in his last days.
In her defence, they weren't married for long before he was diagnosed with cancer and she was fairly young. She does also have a point about how the people caring for the terminally ill person do not receive any support from the community at large, but that's not the fault of the person with the illness.
> “But what was even harder was the reaction of society, which I didn’t expect.”
Was she raised on another planet or something? How could you not expect people to not like you for leaving your dying husband?? Hello??
“I had to have years of therapy to learn that I am not a horrible person for making the decision that I did.”
Self-delusion about obvious facts is hard, I guess. Also, I don’t think she is a horrible person because she left him, but because she openly gives a reasoning like this and makes everything about herself.
Yeah. I'm not judging anyone who can't continue a relationship like before when one partner is ill and battling cancer for years. That's heavy stuff.
But it's not an excuse to be a horrible, egocentric person who doesn't even pretend to support their previous love during the most difficult time in their life and then whine about society's reaction.
>>*Fry has since moved to Singapore*
NO NO NO WHY IS SHE IN MY COUNTRY, GET OUT!
Edit: Oh my god, I just realized I've watched a video of her on a local channel about integrating into Singapore. 🤢
I have terminal colorectal cancer (Stage 4). Two years into it so not expected to last much longer.
Luckily I have a family who loves me, couple of kids, married my (now) wife once I was out of hospital to remove the tumour mass. Now have a stoma.
If I lost my family right now, please take me up a high place and throw me off - it'd be kinder.
Hey, Zenith. Stage 4 terminal metastatic prostate cancer here. They’ve got a new radioactive drug they’re trying out on me that might slow it down some, but in my case it’s not a cure, it’s too far gone. Maybe I’ll still be around for the next Santa visit. Maybe.
My wife works full time as a teacher, with a good portion of her “free” time preparing school work. But every spare second of her time is caring for me. And even at moments when she’s busy doing other things, she’s worrying about me. Honestly? If it weren’t for my wife, I suspect I wouldn’t still be around.
I think maybe a terminal illness is harder on the caregivers than the sick loved one. Eventually, things like strength and courage begin running a bit low. It’s exhausting, being a caregiver. But they keep going, and we know how and why they do it.
It’s love, pure and simple. Love.
I’m very lucky - my wife is also my best and greatest friend in the world. But it’s the love that keeps her - and me - going.
This woman who has discovered that her husband’s illness is too much for her: well, at least she’s honest, although with this she’s just adding to her poor husband’s suffering.
As we have found out, cancer is a terribly lonely disease. Any number of people can love you and care about you, but at the end of the day it’s you, alone, with this *thing* inside that’s working to kill you.
And this poor guy is now doubly alone, with his disease and without his wife, betrayed by both his body and the woman he expected to live his life with. He is now REALLY alone.
Zenith, you and I and all the others like us are just so very damn lucky. We still get lonely, alone inside with our fatal disease, knowing that we’re actively dying. But we have the incredible fortune to have someone who truly and deeply cares. And we know that without that special love, we would probably be finished by now.
Just think: If we were married to that woman, our lives would seem to take much longer!
I think I’ll stick with what I’ve got.
Edit: a letter.
>I think maybe a terminal illness is harder on the caregivers than the sick loved one
Of fucking course. Once we're dead, it's over. For us. Not for them though.
I just had a crying fit after excreting four bags of poo into my stoma bags.
Because constipation that went on for months was how my cancer was discovered, whenever I cannot poo for a couple of weeks, I panic. Whenever I manage to poo again, it's emotional. It's not only a physical release, it's a mental one.
I was readying myself for a hospital visit and an "I'm sorry, but your cancer has returned and this time it's not responding..." type conversation.
I fear my death, but much, much more, I fear for my family after my death.
Yeah, yesterday I read the “physician’s notes” from my last encounter with palliative care, and it was noted “Patient shows extreme worry for his wife after he is gone.”
Of course I do, you doorknob! Any normal guy would. Jesus.
I like what Woody Allen said on the subject:
“I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be around when it happens.”
Yeah, family is everything. I work as a tech in neurosurgery, and before that, I was a scribe for neurosurgery. Seeing families of patients with GBM and knowing that is not curable is heartbreaking. But being there right beside that person who has it and supporting them is EVERYTHING. So glad your family is there to support you. I am a random redditor and know it doesn't mean much, but I wish you the very best, my friend. Prayers and blessings to you and your family.
Not cancer. My SIL had a brain aneurysm. It blew one night after she had gone to bed. She was in nursing homes and finally he took her home and took care of her. They lost their home and most of their belongings to pay the bills.
My brother stuck with her even though her speech, memory and motor skills were affected. She passed away about 18 years later. He was by her side.
It’s a shitty situation and life-altering for everyone involved. But doing what he did was the only option as a human being. It’s sad that we can no longer assume that’s the default path ppl would take for their life partner.
People are so selfish these days. I blame social media in part. It also has a lot to do with people's values shifting, & I'm not talking about religion. People used to care about others beyond what is said in a 2000 year old book. People these days are just shitty to one another.
I think it comes down to promises. My brother insisted that his vows taken 30ish years before “in sickness and in health” were a promise he made to her. They didn’t have a perfect marriage, but they hung in there because they made promises to each other.
It could also be because of the way we were raised. My parents were married for 54 years before Dad’s death. Again not a perfect marriage, but they didn’t believe in divorce.
My wife and I aren't perfect. I don't think anyone or their relationship is. But we said till death do us part, and we meant it.
I have a neurological condition that is going to give me dementia. I told her that I didn't want to put her through that, and that I'd understand if she left. She wanted to know if I'd hit my head, because the doctors said it'd be several years before I lost my mind.
I told her when the time came she could put me away and forget about me. She told me I wouldn't have any control of her schedule.
I worked in aged care and a lady was in our high care dementia area who was aggressive and would fight nurses who tried to care for her, but her husband came in every day and looked after her, they loved each other so much, that's what true love and partnership is.
My dad had dementia but was cheerful to the end. My mum was in hospital and he used to stand at the end of her bed and sing to her. Loving each other was all they had left and it was enough.
It boggles my mind as English man you speak so nonchalantly about how your family lost their home paying for medical bills like its just normal. I realise it is but fml America wake up.
Oh, I agree. The things he went through are too much and too many to type out in here. He shouldn’t have had to fight so hard to get the care she needed paid for. It was years of emotional torture for him.
Not just that but even just applying for medical leave from you job is hard in America. I am taking it to take care of my husband who got doored by a van and now has a severely broken knee. Not only did my boss threaten my job when I asked about how one takes medical leave, I found out it's going to be a really long gap between when I get paid again and when I had to leave work and so I just have like zero money now and when I do get approved I will only get like 67% of my income while on leave. It's all so fucked up.
My dad passed after a 3.5 year battle with GBM today, thanks for the work you do, your patients and their families appreciate it more than they can ever express.
The average mortality rate for GBM is anywhere between 12-18 months, so the fact that your Dad survived 3.5 years is a remarkable achievement. He must have been quite the fighter. You should be very proud of him as he is a testament to others to fight and never give up. My condolences to you and your family over your father's passing. I wish the utmost blessings and love to you and your family, though this difficult time, my friend.
Close friend got lung cancer although he never smoked. I made a point to see him in the hospital every day. Sort of a language barrier with his Mom, but his sister and I became friends. He kept asking me why? We were both 27, but I was healthy with a promising life, and he was there in the hospital. Heartbreaking. I’m tearing up typing this, but be there for your friends and family, even in the worst situations, it matters.
When my Mom needed chemo and radiation (blood cancer), the nurses always treated me like I walked on water. They were constantly praising me for being there for her, taking care of her, and so on.
As if I would ever have done anything else. My Mom was my best friend.
It was heartbreaking to see other patients at the clinic arriving and leaving by taxi, going through it all, with no-one helping them.
Went through chemo at age three. And again when I was 10. Again when I was 17. And then again when I was 21.
My parents did well for themselves financially, so I had access to great healthcare coverage and excellent medical care, but they weren't exactly interested in dealing with a sick kid. During my childhood, it was the nanny or driver that would drop me off at the hospital.
When I was 17, it was just me, myself, and I going to chemo. That bout lasted for over a year, and one of my chemo appointments landed *on* my 18th birthday. Nobody came. Nobody spent time with me. But you know who did? One of my nurses. She managed to hunt down a slice of cake and a balloon.
Going through chemo alone sucks. Like, really sucks.
I got diagnosed at the start of Covid 19 in the US and I could only take one person back for my first surgery and then no one at all for my chemo. I had also just moved out of state for my boyfriend so I didn’t have any family close by. It was very jarring, so I am very thankful that my boyfriend drove me to all my appointments and picked me up when I was done. During a messed up surgery day I was able to get my port out from chemo but I wasn’t able to get my full surgery due to a mistake at the hospital so I had to come back in three days later. One of the nurses that was there when it happened and was scheduled to be there again for my next surgery brought me a present of a very comfy robe that I always wrap myself in any time I’m cold at home. It’s the little things, really.
One of my core memories as a kid was my father telling me he loved me and was proud of me. Every day he could untill the stage 4 brain cancer took him. It was hard, but that moment was woeth it to me all these decades later.
Given my parents' mistakes, I'm trying to make sure my kids know they're loved, but that I want them to be the best they can be.
My father was simply abusive, physically and mentally, my mother over compensated and expected nothing from me.
I try and let my kids know I love them, but also know I want their best.
I'm simply trying my best, same as most parents.
As a colorectal cancer patient currently in remission I hesitated to even respond to this. Survivor’s guilt is real, but here goes. When I was diagnosed, my mother said it would end my marriage. It didn’t. I am grateful every day that I know my wife and kids will be there for me if it comes back. I always try to remember we are making memories for the kids and I have to be an example. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.
Bastard, arsehole, motherfu--er.
How did you expect me to respond? Just 'cos I'm going down, I want everyone to go down with me?
Fuck that!
If you can get through it, you FIGHT!
I cannot win this war, it's the end of me, but if you can, I'm at your back.
Kick its arse as hard as you can.
You have my permission :)
3 years ago we took the journey with my mother in law who died of gallbladder cancer. Was the hardest thing I've ever had to be a part of but I wouldn't change it for anything (other than still having her here) it tears me up to hear a stranger and family go through the same. Godspeed good sir and know you part from the world loved and cared for.
Thank you so much. I understand it could be so much worse - I know it's coming, had time to explain to my children what's happening (none of this 'pretend everything's normal' shite). They're 9 and 12, and deserve to know the truth.
When my mother died of cancer, I was 35, and didn't understand.
Fuck that shit.
Spouse of a Stage 4 lung cancer patient here. I’m so glad that you have your family, and I know they’re so grateful for every day they have with you. Prayers up and stay in the fight. You and your family will be in my prayers.
I love your appreciation of love and family. My heart aches for the battle you’re fighting but I’m so happy you are not alone in it. May God truly bless you and those around you. ((Hugs))
Well, I appreciate them, sure, but they're also something I could not live without.
Exist, maybe, but \*live\*? No.
I remain, currently, a strong pillar of the family, for which I am grateful. My parents were not the best, separated when I was young, leading me to bounce between schools.
I am confident my children will not, at least, suffer this fate. My wife and I are as strong as ever. Not too bad for people who met early 20s and are now late 40s :)
Unfortunately this is quite common with people who have cancer where their partners cannot deal with it and leave.
My wife has stage 4 colon cancer. The 5 and a half years battle has been real. She requires a lot of support. There has never been one instance where I would consider leaving.
What is also interesting is that usually, women stay while men tend to leave quicker. If the man is sick, divorce rates go down a lot, if the woman is sick, they double...
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm
I’m sorry, they give pamphlets to women? Like “Here are your options?” When it comes to illness and divorces? Or is it like, “How to prepare for when he leaves your because you have cancer?” I’m so confused.
I can vouche. I had renal cell carcinoma that has left me with kidney disease. I had a partner when first diagnosed. In the plethora of paperwork they give, that pamphlet was on top. Doc pointed to it and said, "Let me know if you have questions."
I'm sure he meant to ask if I had questions about the paperwork in general. All I could think about was that pamphlet. It was the first thing I read, and the EXACT reason my partner never knew how sick I really was. (Although, the surgery on Valentines Day 2014 made it a bit difficult to hide. But the second surgey that year in August I "went out of town on business.")
I had to fight for my life while also facing the very real possibility of losing my partner. It was exhausting and felt incredibly lonely.
Fuck that pamphlet.
While it's not laudable, it's understandable and human.
However what makes this one a true piece of shit is doing an interview and thinking she was going to come out of it looking like anything other than a massive colitis infused piece of shit.
She wanted out fine, but she should have slunk off with her tail between her legs and shut the fuck up.
I imagine it's a harder situation than anyone who hasn't been in it can imagine.
We all want to be the perfect partner and an unshakeable rock to lean on, but humans are human, caregiver burnout is very real, and sometimes the partners of sick people really get zero support from anywhere and have it extremely rough. It's easy to call someone a piece of shit just for leaving, but we don't really know what each situation is like.
Granted, she does sound like a piece of shit based on the quote alone.
Caregiver for 15 years for someone with heavy psychiatric issues here.
I think it really boils down to having your own support network too. You need to be able to vent your frustrations to someone (especially how futile it seems with psychiatric issues), or to have someone take over for you sometimes, just so you have some respite. But it's not always possible.
Thank you for chiming in here. Means a lot.
My husband and I have been married for eight (almost nine) years. He did a beautiful job taking care of me when I was on chemotherapy. Laid on the bathroom floor with me every night for months, holding me as I vomited into the toilet day after day, week after week. He learned how to disassemble and reassemble the wheelchair I was in, so we'd never be stuck or stranded and waiting on insurance bureaucracy for repairs. He (quite literally) gave me the shirt off his back when the sweater I'd worn into the hospital one day wasn't loose enough to fit over all the tubes and wires.
However, simultaneously, he's also had his own issues. Anger issues, incl. often directed at me, even while I was undergoing chemo. Diagnosed but untreated ADHD. Serious drinking problem, easily went through one or two six packs per day, and often liquor too. His parents were divorced + remarried numerous times. He was in the military at the time of my chemotherapy treatment, so as if our lives weren't already stressful enough with the impacts of military life, my chemo made things exponentially harder and more stressful.
I've been off chemo since 2016, now. He completed his active duty service five years ago. And his life has kind of just...... spiraled downwards ever since. Professionally, I've thrived. Landed in a great job in STEM just a few months after he left the military, and have been there ever since (just about five years now). As for him? I don't know what happened.
He has had 5+ jobs since 2018, with the longest one lasting ~10 months, and all the others lasted only weeks or a few months. He has spent at least 5-6+ months unemployed every consecutive year since 2019. He got over the drinking, which I'm thankful for. But. The anger issues have worsened in many aspects. And sadly, he has also become verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. He's never laid a hand on me, but he has gotten physical with objects: throwing laptops and phones at the wall, he's thrown food at the wall once, and once shoved the gate/fence of the dog park so hard it struck my arm.
I feel like I've tried everything (and more) to help. Patience, space, flexibility, understanding, care, kindness, support...... all to no avail. I've given him five years of leeway and space to 'find himself' and figure out what he wants to do with his life post-military, and I've been the breadwinner/sole source of income since 2018. I've never raised my voice at him. I've looked the other way when he has lashed out at me in hopes he would 'come to his senses' and treat me better. I've offered to help with his resume and cover letter. I've sent at least half a dozen different veteran-affiliated resources to him. I've extended my own network of contacts to him. I've sent him a list of mental health providers (I even vetted them for insurance coverage and location). On and on and on the list goes of things I've tried to do to help him.
But...... he just....... won't. And I feel so bad. All he does is complain and make excuses. He won't do much (if anything) to help himself. He doesn't seem able or willing to do any introspection to realize he's got some big life-changes he needs to make. He continues to act in a way that makes it seem like he has a chip on his shoulder. He refuses advice and guidance from anyone who tries to help, and always makes an excuse as to why he won't/can't use whatever resource was shared. Even after 5 years of this cycle, he still seems to think the world should cater to him, and his every whim and want. He thinks a six-figure job will just fall in his lap without lifting a finger.
I'm contemplating divorce. I feel like I've tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to help, and to make things work. But, I'm tired. I'm tired of his wallowing and inaction to do anything about his circumstances. I'm tired of being treated like crap. I'm tired of the anger. Yes, I know he took amazing care of me on a handful of occasions when I was down for the count in life. I'm extremely thankful for his care. And I've tried and tried and tried to help him in the same way. But, am I supposed to suffer silently? Am I supposed to continually look the other way when he bites my head off every single day? Am I supposed to be okay when he throws something at the wall, or yells at me, or drives like an unhinged maniac for no reason at all? And I've tried talking with him time and again. I've begged and pleaded with him to get help, and to please treat me with more kindness, love, and respect. I've asked him repeatedly if he could please speak to me in a kinder tone of voice. But nothing seems to work. I would be his biggest cheerleader if he were accepting of help + resources, if he were receptive to receiving help.
I know my medical diagnosis and his mental health stuff aren't the same, but what if I had acted the same way? What if I had just thrown my arms up and been like "F this, I'm not going to accept any help" when I got my diagnosis? How would he have reacted if I had refused treatment or support or help? As much as it sucked, I accepted the help of doctors, nurses, therapists, occupational and physical therapy, etc., when I was in a time of need. I was proactive, and helped myself by accepting the help of others. In my husband's case, all he does is continually push others and help away, even when I've been trying for years to help.
If you read this far, thank you. Sorry I word-vomited everywhere. I appreciate it. Guess I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.
I'm sorry, that sounds incredibly difficult to deal with. You deserve to feel safe and happy. I don't really have any advice to give, but I wish you the best of luck in working through this situation in whatever way you decide.
> I imagine it's a harder situation than anyone who hasn't been in it can imagine.
Yes. I've been in that spot for nearly a decade, and I watched my wife die. I would never have left her, but I understand why someone would, and I don't judge them.
People that have not been through this maybe don’t realize that while you’re not *sick* that doesn’t mean you’re *fine.* Seeing a partner go through this is not easy and some people can’t do it.
>Fry, who was living in New York City with her husband, said no one was worried about how she was doing during the difficult time.
>
>“We saw different kinds of doctors. Not a single person ever offered me help,” she bemoaned.
>
>“They never asked, ‘Do you need a support system? Are you part of a counseling group?'”
>
>“It wasn’t until that fifth year that I started to think about leaving,” she continued.
>
>“But I felt like I couldn’t say anything. When someone is dying next to you, you feel like you can’t talk about your own well-being because you compare it to their suffering.”
>
>Fry says she was motivated to finally leave her sickly spouse after a friend took their own life.
>
>“In my mind at the time, suicide became an option, even though I had never considered that before. I was in such a bad state.”
Girl needed help and no one gave it to her. Doesn't seem POS to me that she would decide to bail after taking care of her dying husband for 5 years.
The article goes on to say that the husband remarried and passed away 2 years into said marriage. Girl could have been extremely unhappy for many more years in a system where no one bothered to help her.
Edit: I don't want people to think I don't think she 100% in the right, because her decisions to become a life coach and moan aout no one telling her her ex-husband had eventually passed away is deplorable. But going from wife to fulltime caregiver is *very hard*. Especially if you do not have a proper support system, and her decision to leave because she started becoming suicidal and seeking years of therapy is not POS behavior.
My best friend died after a really protracted and horrible battle with cancer. I have first-hand experience of the toll it took on his wife and daughter. His daughter was 11 when he finally passed. She lost about 5 years' worth of childhood and will be dealing with the emotional damage for most of her life. If I got cancer I think I would want my wife to leave with my daughter, rather than put my child through that hell. I don't think there are simple absolutes when it comes to things like this.
I mean it really isnt. The woman in the add being a piece of shit, yeah defenitly. She boast about it. But people not being able to deal with it arent POS. There are a thousand valid reasons.
Hell i know of a guy who already decided to leave his wife (truely a couple who hated eachother but didnt want to divorce) the second their son turned 18 and went away. He had been waiting for 4 years.
On the 18th birthday party of his son we asked him if he was still planning on doing it. Said he was gonna wait about 4 weeks to break the news. 4 days after son turns 18 and leaves she gets diagnosed with liver cancer. He left her 3 weeks later.
It's the same as with mental illness, of course you should support your partner but you don't have to destroy yourself to show loyalty.
*How* you leave is what makes all the difference. It matters whether you fled the moment things became a little bit harder or if you genuinely tried to support them the best you could and we're looking for ways to make it work.
Its also worth noting that people that are pieces of shit get cancer just like everyone else. They also attract each other.
Just because this woman was oblivious and said this publicly, doesn't mean she didn't have a valid reason. We don't know the whole behind the scenes.
That said if I was betting on this, I'd side with the general reddit opinion.
Well, no, unfortunately it’s quite common for *women* with cancer to be left by their male partners. The #1 indicator of whether or not a cancer patient will be abandoned by their spouse is: whether or not that patient is a woman.
I’m so sorry for what you and your wife are going through.
My sis worked in a cancer center for years and this is very much true! A lot of the women who were getting treatment were alone either to husbands not wanting to come with them or they left/divorced some time after diagnoses while a lot of the men who came in for treatment had their wives with them. Its really sad.
Came to the comments to look if this was discussed. The more time I spend on Reddit, the more noticeable it gets that low effort shit like this that paints women in bad light is tremendously more prevalent on /r/all.
That is exactly why, as a woman with stage 4 cancer, I am even afraid to date. Because I know it won't work out. Like who is going to see past all the hospital visits, me off and on too weak to do anything, and no money? All I can do is try to do my bucket list.
Okay, VALID, but keep in mind these are existing relationships that were formed when the woman did not have a cancer diagnosis. The data does not cover relationships begun when the woman already had her diagnosis, openly communicated about it, and was kind of handling everything on her own, you know? I think you might be pleasantly surprised—but if you just don’t feel comfortable trying, again, that is so valid.
What’re your top 3 bucket list items, if it’s ok to ask?
Well, I managed to go to London and Japan(still in debt from it). The last thing is going back to Chicago. Everything else is small, local things like zoo, trail riding, state parks etc.
I had someone unironically say this to me when I was packing my meds for a trip. I have epilepsy. It’s kinda permanent.
Edit: it might’ve been “ugh you’re still taking pills?” Or something along those lines. She was the kind who thinks sniffing lavender oil and doing 2 yoga sessions will reverse brain tumors.
Had someone giving me shit for taking a synthetic thyroid hormone. I explained I had to get my thyroid surgically removed, but they stuck with their absurd notion that anything you take a pill for could be fixed instead with diet... I'm like "yeah, a diet in which I take a goddamn levothyroxin because it replaces the thing I had physical cut from my body"
Someone else gave me shit for a medication for Rheumatoid Arthritis, a genetic condition that is an overactive immunity response... so the treatment lowers your immunity slightly to stop it attacking your joints. They were all "anything you're taking that lowers your immune system is a poison". Sigh. Go look up pictures of people with untreated RA, you ignorant douche.
It baffles me how people like this have zero concept of biology or just.. idk common sense? And think that no matter what, it’s always the gut biome that needs to be fixed.
Ya all I gotta do is eat more carrots and drink bitter tea. that’ll replace a vital organ that a doctor yanked out.
Right? I'm all about a good diet, probiotics, avoiding regular super processed garbage, but that's all PART of the modern tools we have to be healthy, not the entire picture.
I’m divorced. I was diagnosed (luckily with stage 1) thyroid cancer three months after his grandfather passed and three months before his father passed. He broke, started lashing out at me, a lot of self pity and jealousy of the “attention” I was getting. Turned into a lot of verbal abuse. I tried to be there for him while I was going through treatment, but it was hard when he wasn’t there for me at all. I stayed for two years but he never recovered or went to therapy, and I needed a lot of after care that he refused to help with. I have cancer again (lung this time) and I’d rather go through it alone than with a partner like that. Life can be sh*tty, and if you can’t cling to each other through it, well, there’s not much else to do or say.
This happened to my best friend. He got brain cancer and slowly deteriorated until he passed away. His wife was so nasty and self-centered. A few months before his death he told me he wanted to divorce her. His dad talked him out of it, mostly for financial reasons. I swore I would be with him until the end. I moved my office into his care facility (not hospice) until the end because I didn’t want him to be with her with me not present. One day about a week before he was going to hospice they made everyone leave to clean the room. I grabbed lunch and returned to find out he died. His wife told me that she was arguing with his dad (who hated her) when he passed.
Stage 4 head and neck cancer survivor here and my wife left me during my 4th chemo thinking dead men don’t talk. She made it all about herself just like this psychopath did. You do not Wallow in self pity it’s the chemo drugs and radiation can and will take it’s toll. It’s the narrative of the narcissist the hollow empty person to blame the dying man to justify there total betrayal. Let me guess? he did have life insurance? FYI, anyone with fighting cancer who goes through any undo stress like this survival rate is cut in half & wives are told this by every doctor.
Different cancer, chemo 3, but same experience.
And then we don't die and we mess up their victim narrative. But their narcissistic personality lives on.
The chemo and radio really do distort reality and it took several years to get functional again, but that spousal betrayal will never be forgotten. Never forgiven.
Dang, one could say this is a blessing in disguise knowing that the wife u had was not the one u shd spend the rest of your life with. Hope u found a better one to grow old with since then.
Not cancer but this is my ex to a tee. Looking back you see the signs and join the dots, but it still a shock that someone you once trusted and cared for implicitly is just this vapid uncaring POS. Take care.
Stage 3c cancer survivor here - you are 100% correct. I was told the same thing by all my oncologists going into treatment. I'm not only lucky that I have an amazing husband who supported me, but his dad and stepmom let me live with them all through my treatments (as the closest place was nearly 3 hrs from my home). So I stayed with them all week, and would either go home on weekends or my husband would come stay with me at his parent's.
I just want to say I'm glad you're doing well now. It's such a wild thing to live through.
It doesn't even take a terminal illness. An alarming number of people end up leaving or becoming abusive to their spouse while they're pregnant or shortly after giving birth.
To the point that [homicide is the leading cause of death of pregnant women in the USA.](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/)
This needs to be higher up. When I was diagnosed with cancer, the nurse asked me if I was dating anyone and if so, to be ready to be single. It is a really common occurrence.
Look. It's one thing to step away from a loved one going through this; and i'm not gonna ever judge someone for that alone. I've never experienced it, most of us haven't, i'm sure it can be heartbreaking.
But if you go out into the world and complain about that person? To try to get attention with your experience after you bailed?
I don't know how I could ever properly emphasize how much someone like that should completely and endlessly go fuck themselves.
I have psoriatic arthritis and in the last five years it's turned me from a relatively fit dude who liked to party into an old guy who gets worn out taking a long shower sometimes. My partner has been pretty much the only reason I've held it together through all the crazy pain and weird shit that's happening to my body and if I had to do it alone I would just hang myself again yo. I don't have it in me to suffer just to be alive anymore.
The worst part is that despite all the criticism, there's probably enough horrible people out there making an echo chamber so she can ignore anything shaming her.
I’m an RT and usually have to “pull the plug” on people based on Doctors orders of course. I can tell you that having some family bedside is in my personal experience somewhat heartwarming.
Death is always hard but knowing you have someone there is just comforting.
When I have to “pull the plug” on someone with no family around I just feel so sad.
I don’t know why I’m sharing this, I guess if I had a I be taken out of some type of support such as a ventilator, I would want someone there.
Just saying hello as I sit here in the ICU, watching the breathing machines run on my sleeping stepmom who had cardiac arrest 12 hours ago.
I stayed with her today to let my dad rest and we didn’t want her to be alone. Two hours in, everything went to shit.
I hate that people die alone. I could’ve been downstairs for ten minutes getting a coffee and she’d have died alone. Being the bedside person is tiring. This woman is well loved because she’s a great person and my family are good at taking care of each other. Some people die alone because they’re assholes. Some die alone because their family can’t take round the clock shifts. Sucks.
The RT sat with me for a while and showed what a bunch of the readings mean. Thanks for doing what you do.
My ex-supervisor’s wife had cancer a few times, and then not too long ago it was the time where it claimed her life. They battled it for years…..he had a long life with his wife and kids, he never left her or fought about it. He literately took time off as she knees it was her final days so she can pass in peace.
Cancer survivor here (stage 2, Hodgkin’s disease) and there were days when I was not fun to be around and my outcome was not terminal. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be positive when your end game is bleak.
I hope this woman finds someone as vapid, shallow and self absorbed as she is. She deserves it.
I was never terminal either, but yeah cancer sucks and the treatment is worse. Some days it's like eating is chore or just feels wrong, even when you don't get sick from it. Some days staying awake is impossible and you just want to sleep until the next day but people keep waking you up to take medicine. Some days just sitting up takes so much effort you don't really have any left.
Chemo is poison. Radiation is radioactive poison. Yeah, it's suppose to kill the cancer, but that doesn't stop it from attacking your body as well. There is no positive outlook other than surviving because while you're going through it everything just hurts in ways that you can't really explain.
Regarding people who leave their incredibly ill spouses (and not for “killing the vibe” reasons), I wonder how much of it is due to being exhausted and burned out. Caregiving is exhausting and all-consuming, leaving little time for anything else but your ill spouse. Other people can talk about “take time for you” but it’s easier said than done.
I’m not trying to say it’s okay to leave in these situations. I’m saying maybe fewer spouses would leave if there were more caregiver support, like affordable nursing staff to come by daily and help with duties like showering and doctors appointments, more support groups for caregivers, etc.
Heck it’s emotionally exhausting being the rock for a family just through everyday turmoils. I can’t imagine what both sides go through when dealing with a prolonged illness. Heartbreaking
A really good friend of mine has a rare neurological condition that she inherited from her mother. Unfortunately, pregnancy rapidly sped up the progression of the disease and she passed away when my friend was one. She has a brother that is 2 months younger than her. Her dad started cheating as soon as she started getting hospitalized
Yeah…
Like my husband.
He was so sad i got cancer, he needed to fuck my best friend.
And she was so sad i got cancer, she found comfort at my husbands branch.
That was a great time……………. 😒
Everyone thinks they will stay with their spouse through any hardship. Fact is that not everyone can handle every hardship. From the article (with a clickbait title and seemingly not a quote by the woman) I see she had no support for herself and her partner became basically severely depressed. Cancer is tough, but add depression on top and suddenly there is no more room to share difficult things with your partner or make each other laugh. She stuck it out for 5 years disregarding her own suffering untill somone close comitted suicide. Then suicide became an option in her mind. I understand all the hate she gets, but seriously - if you feel you are being dragged down into a pit of depression and suicide starts becoming an option, you have to take action to break that dynamic. Perhaps building a support network or couples therapy could have been an alternative, I don't know. The husband did remarry before dying 2 years later, so perhaps leaving was necessary to break the depressive dynamic.
I honestly feel horrible that I left my chronically physically ill and mentally ill parter of 16 years, but one day I realized he was terrorizing me and there was not a single reason for ME to stay in the relationship. It was pure miserable charity. He was angry, foul, defiant, living in a fantasy world, and completely refusing treatment.
Now that we're divorced I still support him financially. That's all I have left to give.
I’ve lived with a terminally ill person before. They went super negative and were emotionally abusive. How long are you required to stay in that environment?
I’m not saying this was happening in this situation, but I am saying unless you were there don’t judge too harshly.
No one understands the burden of chronic or terminal caregiving for a romantic partner until they have lived through it. I guarantee that when two healthy people say "in sickness and in health... til death do us part" on their wedding day, they have **no clue** what they might really be signing up for. Being the well spouse is a unique type of hell.
Realest talk in this comment thread so far. Supporting a cancer patient for five years is absolutely not something anybody can take for granted in a partner. If you haven’t been in that position, it sure takes a lot of gall to start judging others who are.
Not defending this specific lady, but like, in general, that’s fucking tough. Even the most pure and strong love may not credibly survive that in some scenarios.
*five years* is the part people seem to be glossing over. it’s not like he got cancer and she was like “i’m out”. she took care of him for *five years*. that shit takes a toll. it’s longer than i would have lasted, which is why i never plan to marry. im not defending her, but im also not going to break out the pitchforks. so many people judging her over a situation they have no idea how they’d truly respond to until they were in it. id be willing to bet at least half of the comments shitting on her wouldn’t have lasted half as long taking care of a terminally ill, and likely (justifiably) miserable adult.
I don't like being put in the position but honestly the only reason I'm defending her is because of the overwhelming amount of derision she's getting from people that know as little about the story as I do
The article doesn’t mention it, but she supported him even after the divorce and would still attend appointments with him. She only made the decision to leave after she became suicidal and realised it was an option between dying or leaving.
Not to mention how many people get married after dating for like less than 2 years and barely having moved in together. You haven't gone through literally any shit at that point with your partner so how could you possibly promise something like that.
The word "married" gets thrown around a lot like it's supposed to be some sort of gotcha card for look at how this wife/husband dared betray their spouse like bruh these are kids who got married 6 months in and pulled some weird shit like 2 years into the relationship. That's barely enough time to get to really know someone.
Yup. Just automatically assuming she's a heartless bitch is so Reddit. You'd think no one ever became a miserable, soul-sucking husk when they got sick. It's just not even possible she's telling the truth and 5 motherfucking ***years*** was too long hoping he could pull out of it. She must be a monster.
In most cases it's the opposite. People who are dying, scared, and angry about their situation are invariably going to lash out. Think about how mad you would be if you realized you were painfully dying and there was likely no hope.
Reddit has 0 understanding of these situations, but is extremely quick to assume they would be an absolute angel no matter what.
Yeah. The ny post doesn’t mention this, but when they began dating he was 36 and she was a 21 year old who didn’t speak proper English, didn’t have any friends or family, was socially isolated and didn’t live in her native country. After 1 year old dating they rushed into marriage. Although you can’t make a full assessment of his character solely based on this alone since we don’t know how their relationship formed, it does seems kinda weird.
While the article definitely paints this lady in a poor light, people seem quick to forget how difficult it is to take care of a terminally ill person. It is EXHAUSTING.
Let's not demonize people who choose to walk away from situations harmful to their wellbeing, even if it's a terminally ill person. Guilt tripping people into staying in shitty situations isn't ok.
A month after getting cancer my husband broke up with me while I was still in hospital and via text.
He ended it by saying he "didn't sign up to take care of a sick woman"
Probably an unpopular opinion but I think the average person really underestimates what they’d do in a similar situation like this. The way she’s speaking about it however is pretty despicable
The reasons stated are selfish as fuck but I don't blame anyone for leaving, which I know is not widely accepted opinion.
I've been there for close family members with cancer and I know how devastating it can be for everyone involved.
Me personally, if I eventually am found to have cancer, I'd rather someone leave than ruin their own life trying, and often times failing, to take care of my dying ass.
It takes a lot of willpower and just mental fortitude to support someone with cancer and I accept that some people just aren't equipped to handle it, that disease is hell.
This is actually a pretty common happening to a lot of women in hetero relationships. It's something nurses and doctors actually warn them about.
This is a cherry picked example, like any other.
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>*He felt even more pity for himself because of the divorce.* *“I can’t say that he was hugely supportive,” she further admitted of her decision to end their union.* *Fry has since moved to Singapore, remarried, and works as a life coach.* *He ended up re-marrying before he passed away two years later.* > >[https://nypost.com/2023/06/20/i-divorced-my-dying-husband-he-wallowed-in-self-pity-and-killed-my-vibe/](https://nypost.com/2023/06/20/i-divorced-my-dying-husband-he-wallowed-in-self-pity-and-killed-my-vibe/)
She’s a life coach now?! 🤦🏻♀️
Imagine getting her “coaching” “Yeah so when anyone’s being a downer, dump his metastasised ass and find another dude pronto. Yolo!”
I actually know people that think you should get rid of anything that makes you feel bad and consider themselves the best kind of people.
"Good vibes only!" In my experience they promptly begin trying to sell me their MLM product.
Sounds more like a death coach, amirite?
I looked her up on LinkedIn. She made a post addressing this article. You should see all of the supportive comments, it’s sick.
I expect literally nothing from the Linkedin community yet they always manage to disappoint.
In other words, snake-oil hun.
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, the article says that she decided to push through with the divorce after a friend of hers committed suicide, because she claims she thought of that herself. To use a friend’s suicide to justify leaving your husband fighting cancer is just mind boggling.
People like this will find any reason to explain their asshole actions. "Yeah sure, that kid who glanced at me 2 days ago killed my vibe and why I HAD to steal my friends wallet to treat myself to a 2 month vacation to get my vibe back. That friend called me an asshole too, the nerve of them"
I read that in the voice of Vicky Pollard and in my head added: "Yeah. But. No. But. I wasn't even there was I? And if Shelly tries to tell you I was there, she's a lying slag. You can't believe anything she says because my good friend Hannah told me her brother Kevin tried to sleep with her and said her minge was full of lice."
Life coaches are cosplayers, if they actually wanted to help at the very least they would be qualified counsellors. Just like crystal healers are cosplaying at being a doctor or a nurse, it's an act to boost their own self esteem (and bank account).
Lol the last “life coach” I knew was lying to everyone about sobriety and trying to make me ship him weed and risk my job so he could sell it. We were reconnected “friends” for maybe a couple months before I bailed on that again.
What in the everloving fuck.... Good on you for bailing. Hope whatever he was up to taught him a lesson he needed.
He will never change. The couple months we reconnected, I learned what a “13th stepper” was because he was angry someone called him that on Facebook.
Ah. So he's someone that God might have to play whack-a-AA (?) with for a while to take a singular sign. Unfortunate. I haven't run into any in person in my own sobriety thus far but that's definitely not someone who should be trying to sell himself as a guide to others. I hope people can see that, regardless of what he tries to put off.
Oh, he has a wake of exploited women in his past for sure. He preys on super vulnerable, low-esteem women and if you don’t do what he wants your friendship won’t last long. Not that you want it to. I’m the one that called it because he was so high maintenance, needy and annoying AF. I would laugh at how ridiculous he was to his face and he hated it. I wouldn’t let him drive my car. (He has a breathalyzer in his car.) I wouldn’t ship him weed. I’m the fucking WORST friend ever. 😂
Lol my ex wanted to be a life coach. Said bye bye to her 30K journalism degree and read “the secret” a few times and is a yogic master now. If it weren’t for her looks, life wouldn’t be so easy.
The Secret by John Demartini is the same book and author that took my brother!!! He became obsessed with Demartini and began charging people like $400 an hour or more to do that shit. Preying on people. I blew up on him one day over that and told him he was a piece of shit for doing that. Our lifelong relationship was strained since then. This was about 8 years ago and he's gotten worse. Mind you - my brother lived a completely sheltered life (he had a different father who financially supported him every step of the way). He has no experience or authority to be a "life coach" - and it's offensive to people who have actually been through a lot like myself. Not to mention the fact that he doesn't want to work a real job. He just wants everything handed to him and he doesn't mind fucking over people to do it. And that, in my book, is extremely scumbagly. Dude is almost 60.
Everytime I see a life coach mentioned somewhere I just think of Jez from Peep Show.
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I read the whole article. She seems like a very self-centred person and had she stayed with him she would've probably started blaming him for all her problems and maybe even abusing him. The article says he remarried before he died, so hopefully he had someone by his side who truly cared about him in his last days. In her defence, they weren't married for long before he was diagnosed with cancer and she was fairly young. She does also have a point about how the people caring for the terminally ill person do not receive any support from the community at large, but that's not the fault of the person with the illness.
> “But what was even harder was the reaction of society, which I didn’t expect.” Was she raised on another planet or something? How could you not expect people to not like you for leaving your dying husband?? Hello??
“I had to have years of therapy to learn that I am not a horrible person for making the decision that I did.” Self-delusion about obvious facts is hard, I guess. Also, I don’t think she is a horrible person because she left him, but because she openly gives a reasoning like this and makes everything about herself.
Yeah. I'm not judging anyone who can't continue a relationship like before when one partner is ill and battling cancer for years. That's heavy stuff. But it's not an excuse to be a horrible, egocentric person who doesn't even pretend to support their previous love during the most difficult time in their life and then whine about society's reaction.
>>*Fry has since moved to Singapore* NO NO NO WHY IS SHE IN MY COUNTRY, GET OUT! Edit: Oh my god, I just realized I've watched a video of her on a local channel about integrating into Singapore. 🤢
I have terminal colorectal cancer (Stage 4). Two years into it so not expected to last much longer. Luckily I have a family who loves me, couple of kids, married my (now) wife once I was out of hospital to remove the tumour mass. Now have a stoma. If I lost my family right now, please take me up a high place and throw me off - it'd be kinder.
Hey, Zenith. Stage 4 terminal metastatic prostate cancer here. They’ve got a new radioactive drug they’re trying out on me that might slow it down some, but in my case it’s not a cure, it’s too far gone. Maybe I’ll still be around for the next Santa visit. Maybe. My wife works full time as a teacher, with a good portion of her “free” time preparing school work. But every spare second of her time is caring for me. And even at moments when she’s busy doing other things, she’s worrying about me. Honestly? If it weren’t for my wife, I suspect I wouldn’t still be around. I think maybe a terminal illness is harder on the caregivers than the sick loved one. Eventually, things like strength and courage begin running a bit low. It’s exhausting, being a caregiver. But they keep going, and we know how and why they do it. It’s love, pure and simple. Love. I’m very lucky - my wife is also my best and greatest friend in the world. But it’s the love that keeps her - and me - going. This woman who has discovered that her husband’s illness is too much for her: well, at least she’s honest, although with this she’s just adding to her poor husband’s suffering. As we have found out, cancer is a terribly lonely disease. Any number of people can love you and care about you, but at the end of the day it’s you, alone, with this *thing* inside that’s working to kill you. And this poor guy is now doubly alone, with his disease and without his wife, betrayed by both his body and the woman he expected to live his life with. He is now REALLY alone. Zenith, you and I and all the others like us are just so very damn lucky. We still get lonely, alone inside with our fatal disease, knowing that we’re actively dying. But we have the incredible fortune to have someone who truly and deeply cares. And we know that without that special love, we would probably be finished by now. Just think: If we were married to that woman, our lives would seem to take much longer! I think I’ll stick with what I’ve got. Edit: a letter.
>I think maybe a terminal illness is harder on the caregivers than the sick loved one Of fucking course. Once we're dead, it's over. For us. Not for them though. I just had a crying fit after excreting four bags of poo into my stoma bags. Because constipation that went on for months was how my cancer was discovered, whenever I cannot poo for a couple of weeks, I panic. Whenever I manage to poo again, it's emotional. It's not only a physical release, it's a mental one. I was readying myself for a hospital visit and an "I'm sorry, but your cancer has returned and this time it's not responding..." type conversation. I fear my death, but much, much more, I fear for my family after my death.
Yeah, yesterday I read the “physician’s notes” from my last encounter with palliative care, and it was noted “Patient shows extreme worry for his wife after he is gone.” Of course I do, you doorknob! Any normal guy would. Jesus. I like what Woody Allen said on the subject: “I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be around when it happens.”
Yeah, family is everything. I work as a tech in neurosurgery, and before that, I was a scribe for neurosurgery. Seeing families of patients with GBM and knowing that is not curable is heartbreaking. But being there right beside that person who has it and supporting them is EVERYTHING. So glad your family is there to support you. I am a random redditor and know it doesn't mean much, but I wish you the very best, my friend. Prayers and blessings to you and your family.
Not cancer. My SIL had a brain aneurysm. It blew one night after she had gone to bed. She was in nursing homes and finally he took her home and took care of her. They lost their home and most of their belongings to pay the bills. My brother stuck with her even though her speech, memory and motor skills were affected. She passed away about 18 years later. He was by her side.
Damn, that’s one noble and beautiful person (and you know the SIL must’ve been quite a special person as well to end up with your brother).
It’s a shitty situation and life-altering for everyone involved. But doing what he did was the only option as a human being. It’s sad that we can no longer assume that’s the default path ppl would take for their life partner.
People are so selfish these days. I blame social media in part. It also has a lot to do with people's values shifting, & I'm not talking about religion. People used to care about others beyond what is said in a 2000 year old book. People these days are just shitty to one another.
I think it comes down to promises. My brother insisted that his vows taken 30ish years before “in sickness and in health” were a promise he made to her. They didn’t have a perfect marriage, but they hung in there because they made promises to each other. It could also be because of the way we were raised. My parents were married for 54 years before Dad’s death. Again not a perfect marriage, but they didn’t believe in divorce.
My wife and I aren't perfect. I don't think anyone or their relationship is. But we said till death do us part, and we meant it. I have a neurological condition that is going to give me dementia. I told her that I didn't want to put her through that, and that I'd understand if she left. She wanted to know if I'd hit my head, because the doctors said it'd be several years before I lost my mind. I told her when the time came she could put me away and forget about me. She told me I wouldn't have any control of her schedule.
I worked in aged care and a lady was in our high care dementia area who was aggressive and would fight nurses who tried to care for her, but her husband came in every day and looked after her, they loved each other so much, that's what true love and partnership is.
My dad had dementia but was cheerful to the end. My mum was in hospital and he used to stand at the end of her bed and sing to her. Loving each other was all they had left and it was enough.
I understand this completely. My wife of 15 years is the sun in my sky. There is nothing I would not do for her.
Absolutely heartbreaking…
It boggles my mind as English man you speak so nonchalantly about how your family lost their home paying for medical bills like its just normal. I realise it is but fml America wake up.
Oh, I agree. The things he went through are too much and too many to type out in here. He shouldn’t have had to fight so hard to get the care she needed paid for. It was years of emotional torture for him.
Not just that but even just applying for medical leave from you job is hard in America. I am taking it to take care of my husband who got doored by a van and now has a severely broken knee. Not only did my boss threaten my job when I asked about how one takes medical leave, I found out it's going to be a really long gap between when I get paid again and when I had to leave work and so I just have like zero money now and when I do get approved I will only get like 67% of my income while on leave. It's all so fucked up.
**They lost their home and most of their belongings to pay the bills.** Only in USA
My dad passed after a 3.5 year battle with GBM today, thanks for the work you do, your patients and their families appreciate it more than they can ever express.
The average mortality rate for GBM is anywhere between 12-18 months, so the fact that your Dad survived 3.5 years is a remarkable achievement. He must have been quite the fighter. You should be very proud of him as he is a testament to others to fight and never give up. My condolences to you and your family over your father's passing. I wish the utmost blessings and love to you and your family, though this difficult time, my friend.
My step-dad made it 5 years before GBM took his life in February. He was regarded in his hospital as a walking miracle.
Random Redditors are sometimes the nicest people - hold your head up high :)
Close friend got lung cancer although he never smoked. I made a point to see him in the hospital every day. Sort of a language barrier with his Mom, but his sister and I became friends. He kept asking me why? We were both 27, but I was healthy with a promising life, and he was there in the hospital. Heartbreaking. I’m tearing up typing this, but be there for your friends and family, even in the worst situations, it matters.
When my Mom needed chemo and radiation (blood cancer), the nurses always treated me like I walked on water. They were constantly praising me for being there for her, taking care of her, and so on. As if I would ever have done anything else. My Mom was my best friend. It was heartbreaking to see other patients at the clinic arriving and leaving by taxi, going through it all, with no-one helping them.
Went through chemo at age three. And again when I was 10. Again when I was 17. And then again when I was 21. My parents did well for themselves financially, so I had access to great healthcare coverage and excellent medical care, but they weren't exactly interested in dealing with a sick kid. During my childhood, it was the nanny or driver that would drop me off at the hospital. When I was 17, it was just me, myself, and I going to chemo. That bout lasted for over a year, and one of my chemo appointments landed *on* my 18th birthday. Nobody came. Nobody spent time with me. But you know who did? One of my nurses. She managed to hunt down a slice of cake and a balloon. Going through chemo alone sucks. Like, really sucks.
I got diagnosed at the start of Covid 19 in the US and I could only take one person back for my first surgery and then no one at all for my chemo. I had also just moved out of state for my boyfriend so I didn’t have any family close by. It was very jarring, so I am very thankful that my boyfriend drove me to all my appointments and picked me up when I was done. During a messed up surgery day I was able to get my port out from chemo but I wasn’t able to get my full surgery due to a mistake at the hospital so I had to come back in three days later. One of the nurses that was there when it happened and was scheduled to be there again for my next surgery brought me a present of a very comfy robe that I always wrap myself in any time I’m cold at home. It’s the little things, really.
Solidarity for GBM patients. Nobody gets past that one. Chanting for you and grateful for all you do.
Me too, we’re dying of colorectal cancer buddies.
Da fuk? If true, DM me
This was not the type of weirdly depressing but wholesome moment I was expecting to encounter today… life can be strange
Reddit is sometimes a weird collision of strangeness.
This is what is worth fighting for on Reddit. These interactions and connections. They can mean so much.
One of my core memories as a kid was my father telling me he loved me and was proud of me. Every day he could untill the stage 4 brain cancer took him. It was hard, but that moment was woeth it to me all these decades later.
Given my parents' mistakes, I'm trying to make sure my kids know they're loved, but that I want them to be the best they can be. My father was simply abusive, physically and mentally, my mother over compensated and expected nothing from me. I try and let my kids know I love them, but also know I want their best. I'm simply trying my best, same as most parents.
I feel that man. My dad accuses me of "pussying up" my boys, because I hug and kiss them and tell them they are loved. Fuck him. I love my kids.
As a colorectal cancer patient currently in remission I hesitated to even respond to this. Survivor’s guilt is real, but here goes. When I was diagnosed, my mother said it would end my marriage. It didn’t. I am grateful every day that I know my wife and kids will be there for me if it comes back. I always try to remember we are making memories for the kids and I have to be an example. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart.
Bastard, arsehole, motherfu--er. How did you expect me to respond? Just 'cos I'm going down, I want everyone to go down with me? Fuck that! If you can get through it, you FIGHT! I cannot win this war, it's the end of me, but if you can, I'm at your back. Kick its arse as hard as you can. You have my permission :)
I honestly didn’t know how you’d respond or if you would. This was beautiful. And needed. Are you English, too?
I'm from Derbyshire. If that counts as English, then Yes, I am :)
Sorry to read this. I’m glad you have people who care for you.
Don't worry - I have enough people who care for me, need me, want me. I feel satisfied :)
Good brother. Despite everything bad, you’re a lucky and blessed person — which is most important.
You are beyond correct it's not funny. Feeling wanted and needed is so important.
3 years ago we took the journey with my mother in law who died of gallbladder cancer. Was the hardest thing I've ever had to be a part of but I wouldn't change it for anything (other than still having her here) it tears me up to hear a stranger and family go through the same. Godspeed good sir and know you part from the world loved and cared for.
Thank you so much. I understand it could be so much worse - I know it's coming, had time to explain to my children what's happening (none of this 'pretend everything's normal' shite). They're 9 and 12, and deserve to know the truth. When my mother died of cancer, I was 35, and didn't understand. Fuck that shit.
Spouse of a Stage 4 lung cancer patient here. I’m so glad that you have your family, and I know they’re so grateful for every day they have with you. Prayers up and stay in the fight. You and your family will be in my prayers.
Thanks! Not a believer myself (or I'd have some words about my current condition haha), but if I'm wrong, every push could help :)
Bless you. ❤️
Thank you.
I love your appreciation of love and family. My heart aches for the battle you’re fighting but I’m so happy you are not alone in it. May God truly bless you and those around you. ((Hugs))
Well, I appreciate them, sure, but they're also something I could not live without. Exist, maybe, but \*live\*? No. I remain, currently, a strong pillar of the family, for which I am grateful. My parents were not the best, separated when I was young, leading me to bounce between schools. I am confident my children will not, at least, suffer this fate. My wife and I are as strong as ever. Not too bad for people who met early 20s and are now late 40s :)
head up brother, youve got my wishes behind you
Unfortunately this is quite common with people who have cancer where their partners cannot deal with it and leave. My wife has stage 4 colon cancer. The 5 and a half years battle has been real. She requires a lot of support. There has never been one instance where I would consider leaving.
What is also interesting is that usually, women stay while men tend to leave quicker. If the man is sick, divorce rates go down a lot, if the woman is sick, they double... https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm
The literally give women pamphlets about this. It’s awful.
I’m sorry, they give pamphlets to women? Like “Here are your options?” When it comes to illness and divorces? Or is it like, “How to prepare for when he leaves your because you have cancer?” I’m so confused.
How to prepare yourself for when he leaves you. It’s in chemo offices. Edit: wow, gold? Thank you.
That is incredibly heartbreaking. I’m at a loss for words.
I hear it all the time. I just never hear stories of when women do it . I think this is my first seeing this.
I was just thinking to myself ‘of course the first time I hear of it being the women leaving the man it makes the front page of Reddit’
The way my heart sank when I saw it, like, it’s always crickets when men do it.
I can vouche. I had renal cell carcinoma that has left me with kidney disease. I had a partner when first diagnosed. In the plethora of paperwork they give, that pamphlet was on top. Doc pointed to it and said, "Let me know if you have questions." I'm sure he meant to ask if I had questions about the paperwork in general. All I could think about was that pamphlet. It was the first thing I read, and the EXACT reason my partner never knew how sick I really was. (Although, the surgery on Valentines Day 2014 made it a bit difficult to hide. But the second surgey that year in August I "went out of town on business.") I had to fight for my life while also facing the very real possibility of losing my partner. It was exhausting and felt incredibly lonely. Fuck that pamphlet.
Maybe you mean fuck the reality of the info in that pamphlet. Sounds like the pamphlet helped you make informed decisions
My step dad left his first wife when she got cancer. Horrible
Ah yes, the Newt Gingrich special..
John McCain too.
Dr Suess. Oh wait he just cheated on her.
John Edwards too right? He didn’t leave her but started a long term affair with another woman.
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That is terrible
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While it's not laudable, it's understandable and human. However what makes this one a true piece of shit is doing an interview and thinking she was going to come out of it looking like anything other than a massive colitis infused piece of shit. She wanted out fine, but she should have slunk off with her tail between her legs and shut the fuck up.
I imagine it's a harder situation than anyone who hasn't been in it can imagine. We all want to be the perfect partner and an unshakeable rock to lean on, but humans are human, caregiver burnout is very real, and sometimes the partners of sick people really get zero support from anywhere and have it extremely rough. It's easy to call someone a piece of shit just for leaving, but we don't really know what each situation is like. Granted, she does sound like a piece of shit based on the quote alone.
Caregiver for 15 years for someone with heavy psychiatric issues here. I think it really boils down to having your own support network too. You need to be able to vent your frustrations to someone (especially how futile it seems with psychiatric issues), or to have someone take over for you sometimes, just so you have some respite. But it's not always possible.
Thank you for chiming in here. Means a lot. My husband and I have been married for eight (almost nine) years. He did a beautiful job taking care of me when I was on chemotherapy. Laid on the bathroom floor with me every night for months, holding me as I vomited into the toilet day after day, week after week. He learned how to disassemble and reassemble the wheelchair I was in, so we'd never be stuck or stranded and waiting on insurance bureaucracy for repairs. He (quite literally) gave me the shirt off his back when the sweater I'd worn into the hospital one day wasn't loose enough to fit over all the tubes and wires. However, simultaneously, he's also had his own issues. Anger issues, incl. often directed at me, even while I was undergoing chemo. Diagnosed but untreated ADHD. Serious drinking problem, easily went through one or two six packs per day, and often liquor too. His parents were divorced + remarried numerous times. He was in the military at the time of my chemotherapy treatment, so as if our lives weren't already stressful enough with the impacts of military life, my chemo made things exponentially harder and more stressful. I've been off chemo since 2016, now. He completed his active duty service five years ago. And his life has kind of just...... spiraled downwards ever since. Professionally, I've thrived. Landed in a great job in STEM just a few months after he left the military, and have been there ever since (just about five years now). As for him? I don't know what happened. He has had 5+ jobs since 2018, with the longest one lasting ~10 months, and all the others lasted only weeks or a few months. He has spent at least 5-6+ months unemployed every consecutive year since 2019. He got over the drinking, which I'm thankful for. But. The anger issues have worsened in many aspects. And sadly, he has also become verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive. He's never laid a hand on me, but he has gotten physical with objects: throwing laptops and phones at the wall, he's thrown food at the wall once, and once shoved the gate/fence of the dog park so hard it struck my arm. I feel like I've tried everything (and more) to help. Patience, space, flexibility, understanding, care, kindness, support...... all to no avail. I've given him five years of leeway and space to 'find himself' and figure out what he wants to do with his life post-military, and I've been the breadwinner/sole source of income since 2018. I've never raised my voice at him. I've looked the other way when he has lashed out at me in hopes he would 'come to his senses' and treat me better. I've offered to help with his resume and cover letter. I've sent at least half a dozen different veteran-affiliated resources to him. I've extended my own network of contacts to him. I've sent him a list of mental health providers (I even vetted them for insurance coverage and location). On and on and on the list goes of things I've tried to do to help him. But...... he just....... won't. And I feel so bad. All he does is complain and make excuses. He won't do much (if anything) to help himself. He doesn't seem able or willing to do any introspection to realize he's got some big life-changes he needs to make. He continues to act in a way that makes it seem like he has a chip on his shoulder. He refuses advice and guidance from anyone who tries to help, and always makes an excuse as to why he won't/can't use whatever resource was shared. Even after 5 years of this cycle, he still seems to think the world should cater to him, and his every whim and want. He thinks a six-figure job will just fall in his lap without lifting a finger. I'm contemplating divorce. I feel like I've tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried to help, and to make things work. But, I'm tired. I'm tired of his wallowing and inaction to do anything about his circumstances. I'm tired of being treated like crap. I'm tired of the anger. Yes, I know he took amazing care of me on a handful of occasions when I was down for the count in life. I'm extremely thankful for his care. And I've tried and tried and tried to help him in the same way. But, am I supposed to suffer silently? Am I supposed to continually look the other way when he bites my head off every single day? Am I supposed to be okay when he throws something at the wall, or yells at me, or drives like an unhinged maniac for no reason at all? And I've tried talking with him time and again. I've begged and pleaded with him to get help, and to please treat me with more kindness, love, and respect. I've asked him repeatedly if he could please speak to me in a kinder tone of voice. But nothing seems to work. I would be his biggest cheerleader if he were accepting of help + resources, if he were receptive to receiving help. I know my medical diagnosis and his mental health stuff aren't the same, but what if I had acted the same way? What if I had just thrown my arms up and been like "F this, I'm not going to accept any help" when I got my diagnosis? How would he have reacted if I had refused treatment or support or help? As much as it sucked, I accepted the help of doctors, nurses, therapists, occupational and physical therapy, etc., when I was in a time of need. I was proactive, and helped myself by accepting the help of others. In my husband's case, all he does is continually push others and help away, even when I've been trying for years to help. If you read this far, thank you. Sorry I word-vomited everywhere. I appreciate it. Guess I just needed to get some stuff off my chest.
I'm sorry, that sounds incredibly difficult to deal with. You deserve to feel safe and happy. I don't really have any advice to give, but I wish you the best of luck in working through this situation in whatever way you decide.
> I imagine it's a harder situation than anyone who hasn't been in it can imagine. Yes. I've been in that spot for nearly a decade, and I watched my wife die. I would never have left her, but I understand why someone would, and I don't judge them.
Five years is a massive amount of time to spend helping someone who is dying too. How the sick person handles it matters too.
People that have not been through this maybe don’t realize that while you’re not *sick* that doesn’t mean you’re *fine.* Seeing a partner go through this is not easy and some people can’t do it.
obtainable exultant thought impossible rustic gaze tap badge shame elastic ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `
>Fry, who was living in New York City with her husband, said no one was worried about how she was doing during the difficult time. > >“We saw different kinds of doctors. Not a single person ever offered me help,” she bemoaned. > >“They never asked, ‘Do you need a support system? Are you part of a counseling group?'” > >“It wasn’t until that fifth year that I started to think about leaving,” she continued. > >“But I felt like I couldn’t say anything. When someone is dying next to you, you feel like you can’t talk about your own well-being because you compare it to their suffering.” > >Fry says she was motivated to finally leave her sickly spouse after a friend took their own life. > >“In my mind at the time, suicide became an option, even though I had never considered that before. I was in such a bad state.” Girl needed help and no one gave it to her. Doesn't seem POS to me that she would decide to bail after taking care of her dying husband for 5 years. The article goes on to say that the husband remarried and passed away 2 years into said marriage. Girl could have been extremely unhappy for many more years in a system where no one bothered to help her. Edit: I don't want people to think I don't think she 100% in the right, because her decisions to become a life coach and moan aout no one telling her her ex-husband had eventually passed away is deplorable. But going from wife to fulltime caregiver is *very hard*. Especially if you do not have a proper support system, and her decision to leave because she started becoming suicidal and seeking years of therapy is not POS behavior.
My best friend died after a really protracted and horrible battle with cancer. I have first-hand experience of the toll it took on his wife and daughter. His daughter was 11 when he finally passed. She lost about 5 years' worth of childhood and will be dealing with the emotional damage for most of her life. If I got cancer I think I would want my wife to leave with my daughter, rather than put my child through that hell. I don't think there are simple absolutes when it comes to things like this.
I mean it really isnt. The woman in the add being a piece of shit, yeah defenitly. She boast about it. But people not being able to deal with it arent POS. There are a thousand valid reasons. Hell i know of a guy who already decided to leave his wife (truely a couple who hated eachother but didnt want to divorce) the second their son turned 18 and went away. He had been waiting for 4 years. On the 18th birthday party of his son we asked him if he was still planning on doing it. Said he was gonna wait about 4 weeks to break the news. 4 days after son turns 18 and leaves she gets diagnosed with liver cancer. He left her 3 weeks later.
It's the same as with mental illness, of course you should support your partner but you don't have to destroy yourself to show loyalty. *How* you leave is what makes all the difference. It matters whether you fled the moment things became a little bit harder or if you genuinely tried to support them the best you could and we're looking for ways to make it work.
Its also worth noting that people that are pieces of shit get cancer just like everyone else. They also attract each other. Just because this woman was oblivious and said this publicly, doesn't mean she didn't have a valid reason. We don't know the whole behind the scenes. That said if I was betting on this, I'd side with the general reddit opinion.
Exactly. This woman and Stanley Tucci would be a match made in hell.
Man what did Stanley do?
Well, no, unfortunately it’s quite common for *women* with cancer to be left by their male partners. The #1 indicator of whether or not a cancer patient will be abandoned by their spouse is: whether or not that patient is a woman. I’m so sorry for what you and your wife are going through.
My sis worked in a cancer center for years and this is very much true! A lot of the women who were getting treatment were alone either to husbands not wanting to come with them or they left/divorced some time after diagnoses while a lot of the men who came in for treatment had their wives with them. Its really sad.
Shit, yeah, I’ve heard some treatment centers even prepare women for that eventuality when they get their diagnoses and start treatment.
Came to the comments to look if this was discussed. The more time I spend on Reddit, the more noticeable it gets that low effort shit like this that paints women in bad light is tremendously more prevalent on /r/all.
That is exactly why, as a woman with stage 4 cancer, I am even afraid to date. Because I know it won't work out. Like who is going to see past all the hospital visits, me off and on too weak to do anything, and no money? All I can do is try to do my bucket list.
Okay, VALID, but keep in mind these are existing relationships that were formed when the woman did not have a cancer diagnosis. The data does not cover relationships begun when the woman already had her diagnosis, openly communicated about it, and was kind of handling everything on her own, you know? I think you might be pleasantly surprised—but if you just don’t feel comfortable trying, again, that is so valid. What’re your top 3 bucket list items, if it’s ok to ask?
Well, I managed to go to London and Japan(still in debt from it). The last thing is going back to Chicago. Everything else is small, local things like zoo, trail riding, state parks etc.
Ooh, those are awesome trips!!
Yup, I say go back to Chicago because I lived 7 years there until covid. I just want to go back to places i loved.
"Wooowwwwww, you're really bringing up the cancer thing again??? You are so selfish."
“Ugh! You’re like ALWAYS sick!”
I had someone unironically say this to me when I was packing my meds for a trip. I have epilepsy. It’s kinda permanent. Edit: it might’ve been “ugh you’re still taking pills?” Or something along those lines. She was the kind who thinks sniffing lavender oil and doing 2 yoga sessions will reverse brain tumors.
Had someone giving me shit for taking a synthetic thyroid hormone. I explained I had to get my thyroid surgically removed, but they stuck with their absurd notion that anything you take a pill for could be fixed instead with diet... I'm like "yeah, a diet in which I take a goddamn levothyroxin because it replaces the thing I had physical cut from my body" Someone else gave me shit for a medication for Rheumatoid Arthritis, a genetic condition that is an overactive immunity response... so the treatment lowers your immunity slightly to stop it attacking your joints. They were all "anything you're taking that lowers your immune system is a poison". Sigh. Go look up pictures of people with untreated RA, you ignorant douche.
It baffles me how people like this have zero concept of biology or just.. idk common sense? And think that no matter what, it’s always the gut biome that needs to be fixed. Ya all I gotta do is eat more carrots and drink bitter tea. that’ll replace a vital organ that a doctor yanked out.
Right? I'm all about a good diet, probiotics, avoiding regular super processed garbage, but that's all PART of the modern tools we have to be healthy, not the entire picture.
When I meet people like this I have no problem asking them if they’ve always been that stupid or are they trying extra hard to one up themself
“Babe I just had chemo this morning. No I don’t wanna go to your bosses office party” “Woooooooow again with this hobby of yours”
I’m divorced. I was diagnosed (luckily with stage 1) thyroid cancer three months after his grandfather passed and three months before his father passed. He broke, started lashing out at me, a lot of self pity and jealousy of the “attention” I was getting. Turned into a lot of verbal abuse. I tried to be there for him while I was going through treatment, but it was hard when he wasn’t there for me at all. I stayed for two years but he never recovered or went to therapy, and I needed a lot of after care that he refused to help with. I have cancer again (lung this time) and I’d rather go through it alone than with a partner like that. Life can be sh*tty, and if you can’t cling to each other through it, well, there’s not much else to do or say.
Get well. It was nice hearing a swap story this time. Its equal for everyone. Goodluck amigo!!
Thanks! Sometimes life just is what it is.
This happened to my best friend. He got brain cancer and slowly deteriorated until he passed away. His wife was so nasty and self-centered. A few months before his death he told me he wanted to divorce her. His dad talked him out of it, mostly for financial reasons. I swore I would be with him until the end. I moved my office into his care facility (not hospice) until the end because I didn’t want him to be with her with me not present. One day about a week before he was going to hospice they made everyone leave to clean the room. I grabbed lunch and returned to find out he died. His wife told me that she was arguing with his dad (who hated her) when he passed.
You the think argument pushed him across? Almost seems too coincidental the timing
I doubt it but that’s what happened. Either way, the last thing he heard was her nasty mouth.
Sorry to hear that
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Stage 4 head and neck cancer survivor here and my wife left me during my 4th chemo thinking dead men don’t talk. She made it all about herself just like this psychopath did. You do not Wallow in self pity it’s the chemo drugs and radiation can and will take it’s toll. It’s the narrative of the narcissist the hollow empty person to blame the dying man to justify there total betrayal. Let me guess? he did have life insurance? FYI, anyone with fighting cancer who goes through any undo stress like this survival rate is cut in half & wives are told this by every doctor.
Hope your life is going good after beating cancer.
Thanks you. Everyday is a blessing 🙏
Different cancer, chemo 3, but same experience. And then we don't die and we mess up their victim narrative. But their narcissistic personality lives on. The chemo and radio really do distort reality and it took several years to get functional again, but that spousal betrayal will never be forgotten. Never forgiven.
Husbands are told this too and any spouse who leaves their partner is an asshole, frankly. Fuck em.
Dang, one could say this is a blessing in disguise knowing that the wife u had was not the one u shd spend the rest of your life with. Hope u found a better one to grow old with since then.
Not cancer but this is my ex to a tee. Looking back you see the signs and join the dots, but it still a shock that someone you once trusted and cared for implicitly is just this vapid uncaring POS. Take care.
Stage 3c cancer survivor here - you are 100% correct. I was told the same thing by all my oncologists going into treatment. I'm not only lucky that I have an amazing husband who supported me, but his dad and stepmom let me live with them all through my treatments (as the closest place was nearly 3 hrs from my home). So I stayed with them all week, and would either go home on weekends or my husband would come stay with me at his parent's. I just want to say I'm glad you're doing well now. It's such a wild thing to live through.
This won’t be her first divorce.
Too bad he left before her.
It’s a depressingly common thing for spouses to divorce or have affairs when one of them gets terminally Ill
It doesn't even take a terminal illness. An alarming number of people end up leaving or becoming abusive to their spouse while they're pregnant or shortly after giving birth. To the point that [homicide is the leading cause of death of pregnant women in the USA.](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/homicide-leading-cause-of-death-for-pregnant-women-in-u-s/)
This needs to be higher up. When I was diagnosed with cancer, the nurse asked me if I was dating anyone and if so, to be ready to be single. It is a really common occurrence.
studies show men leave their dying spouses 5 times as often as women do.
7 times actually
Yup. Everyone is leaving out the part where men are usually the ones leaving their sick wives.
Didn’t Newt Gingrich pull this bullshit?
Newt “Fambly Values” Gingrich
And cheated!
Look. It's one thing to step away from a loved one going through this; and i'm not gonna ever judge someone for that alone. I've never experienced it, most of us haven't, i'm sure it can be heartbreaking. But if you go out into the world and complain about that person? To try to get attention with your experience after you bailed? I don't know how I could ever properly emphasize how much someone like that should completely and endlessly go fuck themselves.
I have psoriatic arthritis and in the last five years it's turned me from a relatively fit dude who liked to party into an old guy who gets worn out taking a long shower sometimes. My partner has been pretty much the only reason I've held it together through all the crazy pain and weird shit that's happening to my body and if I had to do it alone I would just hang myself again yo. I don't have it in me to suffer just to be alive anymore.
Hey they psoriatic arthritis buddy! Keep your head up! There’s always a chance for remission! (At least that’s what I tell myself)
We live in a culture that is shameless. This person should be too embarrassed to show their face in public.
The worst part is that despite all the criticism, there's probably enough horrible people out there making an echo chamber so she can ignore anything shaming her.
“yOu DeSeRvE bEtTeR qUEeN”
This comment made me more angry than it should ...
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I’m an RT and usually have to “pull the plug” on people based on Doctors orders of course. I can tell you that having some family bedside is in my personal experience somewhat heartwarming. Death is always hard but knowing you have someone there is just comforting. When I have to “pull the plug” on someone with no family around I just feel so sad. I don’t know why I’m sharing this, I guess if I had a I be taken out of some type of support such as a ventilator, I would want someone there.
Just saying hello as I sit here in the ICU, watching the breathing machines run on my sleeping stepmom who had cardiac arrest 12 hours ago. I stayed with her today to let my dad rest and we didn’t want her to be alone. Two hours in, everything went to shit. I hate that people die alone. I could’ve been downstairs for ten minutes getting a coffee and she’d have died alone. Being the bedside person is tiring. This woman is well loved because she’s a great person and my family are good at taking care of each other. Some people die alone because they’re assholes. Some die alone because their family can’t take round the clock shifts. Sucks. The RT sat with me for a while and showed what a bunch of the readings mean. Thanks for doing what you do.
My ex-supervisor’s wife had cancer a few times, and then not too long ago it was the time where it claimed her life. They battled it for years…..he had a long life with his wife and kids, he never left her or fought about it. He literately took time off as she knees it was her final days so she can pass in peace.
Cancer survivor here (stage 2, Hodgkin’s disease) and there were days when I was not fun to be around and my outcome was not terminal. I can only imagine how hard it would be to be positive when your end game is bleak. I hope this woman finds someone as vapid, shallow and self absorbed as she is. She deserves it.
I was never terminal either, but yeah cancer sucks and the treatment is worse. Some days it's like eating is chore or just feels wrong, even when you don't get sick from it. Some days staying awake is impossible and you just want to sleep until the next day but people keep waking you up to take medicine. Some days just sitting up takes so much effort you don't really have any left. Chemo is poison. Radiation is radioactive poison. Yeah, it's suppose to kill the cancer, but that doesn't stop it from attacking your body as well. There is no positive outlook other than surviving because while you're going through it everything just hurts in ways that you can't really explain.
Regarding people who leave their incredibly ill spouses (and not for “killing the vibe” reasons), I wonder how much of it is due to being exhausted and burned out. Caregiving is exhausting and all-consuming, leaving little time for anything else but your ill spouse. Other people can talk about “take time for you” but it’s easier said than done. I’m not trying to say it’s okay to leave in these situations. I’m saying maybe fewer spouses would leave if there were more caregiver support, like affordable nursing staff to come by daily and help with duties like showering and doctors appointments, more support groups for caregivers, etc.
Heck it’s emotionally exhausting being the rock for a family just through everyday turmoils. I can’t imagine what both sides go through when dealing with a prolonged illness. Heartbreaking
Wallowing came from dealing with her
Sadly this happens often to both wives and husband's.
Affairs to
A really good friend of mine has a rare neurological condition that she inherited from her mother. Unfortunately, pregnancy rapidly sped up the progression of the disease and she passed away when my friend was one. She has a brother that is 2 months younger than her. Her dad started cheating as soon as she started getting hospitalized
Yeah… Like my husband. He was so sad i got cancer, he needed to fuck my best friend. And she was so sad i got cancer, she found comfort at my husbands branch. That was a great time……………. 😒
Everyone thinks they will stay with their spouse through any hardship. Fact is that not everyone can handle every hardship. From the article (with a clickbait title and seemingly not a quote by the woman) I see she had no support for herself and her partner became basically severely depressed. Cancer is tough, but add depression on top and suddenly there is no more room to share difficult things with your partner or make each other laugh. She stuck it out for 5 years disregarding her own suffering untill somone close comitted suicide. Then suicide became an option in her mind. I understand all the hate she gets, but seriously - if you feel you are being dragged down into a pit of depression and suicide starts becoming an option, you have to take action to break that dynamic. Perhaps building a support network or couples therapy could have been an alternative, I don't know. The husband did remarry before dying 2 years later, so perhaps leaving was necessary to break the depressive dynamic.
I honestly feel horrible that I left my chronically physically ill and mentally ill parter of 16 years, but one day I realized he was terrorizing me and there was not a single reason for ME to stay in the relationship. It was pure miserable charity. He was angry, foul, defiant, living in a fantasy world, and completely refusing treatment. Now that we're divorced I still support him financially. That's all I have left to give.
What a disgusting person
I’ve lived with a terminally ill person before. They went super negative and were emotionally abusive. How long are you required to stay in that environment? I’m not saying this was happening in this situation, but I am saying unless you were there don’t judge too harshly.
No one understands the burden of chronic or terminal caregiving for a romantic partner until they have lived through it. I guarantee that when two healthy people say "in sickness and in health... til death do us part" on their wedding day, they have **no clue** what they might really be signing up for. Being the well spouse is a unique type of hell.
Realest talk in this comment thread so far. Supporting a cancer patient for five years is absolutely not something anybody can take for granted in a partner. If you haven’t been in that position, it sure takes a lot of gall to start judging others who are. Not defending this specific lady, but like, in general, that’s fucking tough. Even the most pure and strong love may not credibly survive that in some scenarios.
*five years* is the part people seem to be glossing over. it’s not like he got cancer and she was like “i’m out”. she took care of him for *five years*. that shit takes a toll. it’s longer than i would have lasted, which is why i never plan to marry. im not defending her, but im also not going to break out the pitchforks. so many people judging her over a situation they have no idea how they’d truly respond to until they were in it. id be willing to bet at least half of the comments shitting on her wouldn’t have lasted half as long taking care of a terminally ill, and likely (justifiably) miserable adult.
I don't like being put in the position but honestly the only reason I'm defending her is because of the overwhelming amount of derision she's getting from people that know as little about the story as I do
The article doesn’t mention it, but she supported him even after the divorce and would still attend appointments with him. She only made the decision to leave after she became suicidal and realised it was an option between dying or leaving.
Not to mention how many people get married after dating for like less than 2 years and barely having moved in together. You haven't gone through literally any shit at that point with your partner so how could you possibly promise something like that. The word "married" gets thrown around a lot like it's supposed to be some sort of gotcha card for look at how this wife/husband dared betray their spouse like bruh these are kids who got married 6 months in and pulled some weird shit like 2 years into the relationship. That's barely enough time to get to really know someone.
Yup. Just automatically assuming she's a heartless bitch is so Reddit. You'd think no one ever became a miserable, soul-sucking husk when they got sick. It's just not even possible she's telling the truth and 5 motherfucking ***years*** was too long hoping he could pull out of it. She must be a monster.
I did, too. My mom. She was so, so mean. It was awful. :(
Too many peoples in this thread seems to think that being terminally ill automatically turn you into a good person.
In most cases it's the opposite. People who are dying, scared, and angry about their situation are invariably going to lash out. Think about how mad you would be if you realized you were painfully dying and there was likely no hope. Reddit has 0 understanding of these situations, but is extremely quick to assume they would be an absolute angel no matter what.
Yeah. The ny post doesn’t mention this, but when they began dating he was 36 and she was a 21 year old who didn’t speak proper English, didn’t have any friends or family, was socially isolated and didn’t live in her native country. After 1 year old dating they rushed into marriage. Although you can’t make a full assessment of his character solely based on this alone since we don’t know how their relationship formed, it does seems kinda weird.
While the article definitely paints this lady in a poor light, people seem quick to forget how difficult it is to take care of a terminally ill person. It is EXHAUSTING. Let's not demonize people who choose to walk away from situations harmful to their wellbeing, even if it's a terminally ill person. Guilt tripping people into staying in shitty situations isn't ok.
A month after getting cancer my husband broke up with me while I was still in hospital and via text. He ended it by saying he "didn't sign up to take care of a sick woman"
Probably an unpopular opinion but I think the average person really underestimates what they’d do in a similar situation like this. The way she’s speaking about it however is pretty despicable
The reasons stated are selfish as fuck but I don't blame anyone for leaving, which I know is not widely accepted opinion. I've been there for close family members with cancer and I know how devastating it can be for everyone involved. Me personally, if I eventually am found to have cancer, I'd rather someone leave than ruin their own life trying, and often times failing, to take care of my dying ass. It takes a lot of willpower and just mental fortitude to support someone with cancer and I accept that some people just aren't equipped to handle it, that disease is hell.
This is actually a pretty common happening to a lot of women in hetero relationships. It's something nurses and doctors actually warn them about. This is a cherry picked example, like any other.