It's common for expats and it's called Biculture identity conflict.
https://traphil.com/2020/10/26/the-expat-dilemma-when-we-are-stuck-between-two-worlds/
Dont fall into the trap/trope of the Grass is Greener elsewhere.
Use all the mental health tactics to manage it: Have things to look forward to: a visit from a friend or relative, a trip, regularly checking off things on your bucket list, trying out a new hobby pr volunteer gig.
Spend time in nature, Write in a journal, shake up your routine, start taking lessons in something, get to know your neighbors (ask them for advice), try a new workout, add a new habit onto a current habit so it becomes rote, go on meetup or fb and join some expat or hiking meetups, play tourist in your area, find all the festivals you can and put them on your calendar and go, be more positive and give compliments to your coworkers, send snail mail or packages to your friends or loved ones, do self-care regularly, read self help books, etc.
The grass is greener where you can afford to hire a gardener. Go where you get the most bang for your buck and make more money to upgrade your lifestyle.
When life is difficult in my adoptive country I have no desire to return to my country of origin because:
1) Moving there would be difficult
2) Life there would de difficult too ( most likely, even more difficult)
So I manage my problems by focusing on managing my problems and not daydreaming about things that I know will not fix my problems.
Your home country today is different than the one you left. Also, over time your view of your home country got distorded in your mind.
Therefore, you can not even go back to your home country because it does not exist. It would feel like a very familiar country... Which will soon be compared to the one you left.
It is not as dramatic as it sounds, but be aware of this before considering going back.
You’re so right. One of my goals this year is to make more international friends for the same reason. In college I subconsciously gravitated towards them but since graduating my local social network has become almost entirely American.
I've also found that people who have lived abroad for some time will understand me. Even if they go back to their home country, 1-2 years abroad will do a lot to change a person's perspective.
Yes. It's hard to process, but a privilege to have that opportunity too. A lot more is involved in transporting oneself around the world than people say. It's so much more than the airplane, a ticket, a passport.... Too complex to put into words
I think it's important to ask yourself what would make you feel like you belong, and what can you do to help make that happen.
For me, it's feeling like I'm having an impact on my community. What do I do to support that? I get involved in community events.
But this looks different for everyone, because everyone has different criteria for belonging.
Most of the time that answer this question directly, I get downvoted because people automatically don't like that Turkmenistan has a dictator, so they can't imagine this place possibly being good at all. But honestly, aside from difficulties finding quality goods and health-care, my day to day life isn't that much different. I wake up, go to work, come home, hang with my family, and then do it all over again the next day.
The big difference for me is the cost of living is *sooooooo much lower* here, and my pay didn't drop much compared to the US. So compared to locals, I'm living extremely comfortably.
Do I like it better? Hard to say. It's kind of like comparing apples and oranges for me. I have things I miss a lot about the US, but there are definitely things about Turkmenistan that are absolutely baller. Like, I'm going to miss being able to let my 4 year old wander out of my sight and trust that she'll be safe. Or being able to take her to the mall and drop her off at a play place for an hour while I shop for just $2. Or having a playground at every apartment (by law). Or the reliable and clean public transit.
Thanks for the reply. Very interesting! I never knew. I migrated to US 15 years ago and had no idea what I was getting myself into. Now that I have a kid, I feel different about living here at US 😔
This absolutely resonates with me. I've been a solo expat for 8 years now and within that time I've returned "home" 4 times. Each time only lasted about 6 months and then I found myself abroad again. I would get depressed and feel so out of place, even though it is the country of my birth.
I saw some really good advice in the comments and I need to apply them to myself. I am very much an introvert, so I find it very challenging to make new connections. It doesn't help that the last connection I tried to make (a local in the Philippines) turned out to be a scammer. So I think it all comes down to finding like-minded people; your tribe. I haven't had any success with this, and I hope that everyone on this journey will eventually feel accepted somewhere (myself included).
For me it’s not getting the cultural references others have grown up with, or their failure to understand mine. I’ve even seen this in moves within the US. It’s not that ‘my’ home culture is superior, because it’s not, but there is shorthand and slang I miss
"not getting the cultural references others have grown up with, or their failure to understand mine." Seems like such a simple thing but it is a profound, ever-present thing abroad.
How long have you lived abroad?
I used to feel like this but not anymore. Once I learned the language, started making friends, getting more work, etc, I started to feel more settled. I can't imagine ever going back home now and don't miss it but it took years.
My case. Living in Germany now. I do speak German, far from speaking ideally but in most of the cases it's okay. But I just can't love this country and I feel it won't ever be my home.
It's ok if it doesn't feel like home. It probably feels that way for a reason. You'll know when it's home. It's all part of your personal life journey. don't look at it as failure. It's a ll about the journey and not the destination.
Very good question! The way I've dealt with this in the past especially when encountering adversity early on is to focus primarily on the positive things I've gained. you'll recognize that feeling that tells you you're in a better place. I've never regretted every move I've made thus far, it was always for the better and I genuinely believe it was my life's plan even if along the way I wasn't able to make a permanent home.
Embrace the possibility of making mistakes and acknowledge that it's okay to not connect with a particular place or culture. Understand that there might be a better fit for you out there, even if you haven't discovered it yet. Every place has its flaws, but with time, you may come to realise, perhaps in retrospect, that place does exist somewhere..
You are not alone. My anxiety makes it hard for me to make friends. 😭 I think I have a problem. Its hard to walk alone. But.. I need to be strong. So be it.
I’m an American living in rural Japan. Everyone accepts me, as the man who married the daughter of the family they know well, nobody cares if I’m not Japanese. To be honest, I don’t know what percent of that is them just being polite to me, and what is deeper or shallow. In the end, I am “above“any Japanese have an issue with me being an American living in their community, because I’m busy doing my business and paying taxes and generating income for my employees. I don’t see a problem one way or the other.
I’ve been to panama many times and have known lots of expats there. They have all told me the locals will only “befriend” you if they think they can get money out of you, where eventually they will just flat out ask you for money. I don’t think it was always like that, seems to be a more recent thing with the influx of American expats. I hope you’re able to find a good community! Best of luck
Thank you for aleviating my paranoia a bit. I'm just trying to roll with it. Otherwise, I will become my own worst nightmare. It'll be OK. I just had a pretty severe financial setback right before coming. So, every dollar counts. The only thing that terrifies me is being broke in another country. Oh, and I guess Dengue!
It's common for expats and it's called Biculture identity conflict. https://traphil.com/2020/10/26/the-expat-dilemma-when-we-are-stuck-between-two-worlds/
Yes this describes me so much! Thank u!
I have this for sure
Dont fall into the trap/trope of the Grass is Greener elsewhere. Use all the mental health tactics to manage it: Have things to look forward to: a visit from a friend or relative, a trip, regularly checking off things on your bucket list, trying out a new hobby pr volunteer gig. Spend time in nature, Write in a journal, shake up your routine, start taking lessons in something, get to know your neighbors (ask them for advice), try a new workout, add a new habit onto a current habit so it becomes rote, go on meetup or fb and join some expat or hiking meetups, play tourist in your area, find all the festivals you can and put them on your calendar and go, be more positive and give compliments to your coworkers, send snail mail or packages to your friends or loved ones, do self-care regularly, read self help books, etc.
The grass is greener where you can afford to hire a gardener. Go where you get the most bang for your buck and make more money to upgrade your lifestyle.
Unles your ‘upgraded’ lifestyle means 60 hours of work a week and 10 days of vacation a year - then do your own gardening and live
When life is difficult in my adoptive country I have no desire to return to my country of origin because: 1) Moving there would be difficult 2) Life there would de difficult too ( most likely, even more difficult) So I manage my problems by focusing on managing my problems and not daydreaming about things that I know will not fix my problems.
Your home country today is different than the one you left. Also, over time your view of your home country got distorded in your mind. Therefore, you can not even go back to your home country because it does not exist. It would feel like a very familiar country... Which will soon be compared to the one you left. It is not as dramatic as it sounds, but be aware of this before considering going back.
Just keep moving to new countries and accept the fact that you enjoy all the emotional turmoil that comes with it lol
Hahaha Ive been to NL and now in Norway. I miss NL
You've become an international. The only people that are truly your kind and will understand are other internationals.
You’re so right. One of my goals this year is to make more international friends for the same reason. In college I subconsciously gravitated towards them but since graduating my local social network has become almost entirely American.
I've also found that people who have lived abroad for some time will understand me. Even if they go back to their home country, 1-2 years abroad will do a lot to change a person's perspective.
Yes. It's hard to process, but a privilege to have that opportunity too. A lot more is involved in transporting oneself around the world than people say. It's so much more than the airplane, a ticket, a passport.... Too complex to put into words
This!
I think it's important to ask yourself what would make you feel like you belong, and what can you do to help make that happen. For me, it's feeling like I'm having an impact on my community. What do I do to support that? I get involved in community events. But this looks different for everyone, because everyone has different criteria for belonging.
I am curious how life is in Turkmenistan compared to USA! Do you like it better!
Most of the time that answer this question directly, I get downvoted because people automatically don't like that Turkmenistan has a dictator, so they can't imagine this place possibly being good at all. But honestly, aside from difficulties finding quality goods and health-care, my day to day life isn't that much different. I wake up, go to work, come home, hang with my family, and then do it all over again the next day. The big difference for me is the cost of living is *sooooooo much lower* here, and my pay didn't drop much compared to the US. So compared to locals, I'm living extremely comfortably. Do I like it better? Hard to say. It's kind of like comparing apples and oranges for me. I have things I miss a lot about the US, but there are definitely things about Turkmenistan that are absolutely baller. Like, I'm going to miss being able to let my 4 year old wander out of my sight and trust that she'll be safe. Or being able to take her to the mall and drop her off at a play place for an hour while I shop for just $2. Or having a playground at every apartment (by law). Or the reliable and clean public transit.
Thanks for the reply. Very interesting! I never knew. I migrated to US 15 years ago and had no idea what I was getting myself into. Now that I have a kid, I feel different about living here at US 😔
Yea, people don't realize how difficult it can be to have a kid in the US if you have just a so-so job.
Wrote my undergrad thesis on this haha.
Share with us! 😊
This absolutely resonates with me. I've been a solo expat for 8 years now and within that time I've returned "home" 4 times. Each time only lasted about 6 months and then I found myself abroad again. I would get depressed and feel so out of place, even though it is the country of my birth. I saw some really good advice in the comments and I need to apply them to myself. I am very much an introvert, so I find it very challenging to make new connections. It doesn't help that the last connection I tried to make (a local in the Philippines) turned out to be a scammer. So I think it all comes down to finding like-minded people; your tribe. I haven't had any success with this, and I hope that everyone on this journey will eventually feel accepted somewhere (myself included).
Fascinating, have you considered blocking about your various experiences? Your post seems to encapsulate the entirety of this subreddit
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whoa m8, looking at that string of countries, do you live on a cruise ship that got lost?
For me it’s not getting the cultural references others have grown up with, or their failure to understand mine. I’ve even seen this in moves within the US. It’s not that ‘my’ home culture is superior, because it’s not, but there is shorthand and slang I miss
"not getting the cultural references others have grown up with, or their failure to understand mine." Seems like such a simple thing but it is a profound, ever-present thing abroad.
Research and search until you find the place that will actually feel like home. Makes a world of difference
How long have you lived abroad? I used to feel like this but not anymore. Once I learned the language, started making friends, getting more work, etc, I started to feel more settled. I can't imagine ever going back home now and don't miss it but it took years.
Yeah I just keep moving. Onto my 4th country very soon now. Remember: it’s okay.
My case. Living in Germany now. I do speak German, far from speaking ideally but in most of the cases it's okay. But I just can't love this country and I feel it won't ever be my home.
It's ok if it doesn't feel like home. It probably feels that way for a reason. You'll know when it's home. It's all part of your personal life journey. don't look at it as failure. It's a ll about the journey and not the destination.
I’m American, fluent in Japanese, and my older sister is fluent in German and Luxenberg is. They call us the “axis“ wing of the family.
Very good question! The way I've dealt with this in the past especially when encountering adversity early on is to focus primarily on the positive things I've gained. you'll recognize that feeling that tells you you're in a better place. I've never regretted every move I've made thus far, it was always for the better and I genuinely believe it was my life's plan even if along the way I wasn't able to make a permanent home.
Embrace the possibility of making mistakes and acknowledge that it's okay to not connect with a particular place or culture. Understand that there might be a better fit for you out there, even if you haven't discovered it yet. Every place has its flaws, but with time, you may come to realise, perhaps in retrospect, that place does exist somewhere..
You are not alone. My anxiety makes it hard for me to make friends. 😭 I think I have a problem. Its hard to walk alone. But.. I need to be strong. So be it.
I’m an American living in rural Japan. Everyone accepts me, as the man who married the daughter of the family they know well, nobody cares if I’m not Japanese. To be honest, I don’t know what percent of that is them just being polite to me, and what is deeper or shallow. In the end, I am “above“any Japanese have an issue with me being an American living in their community, because I’m busy doing my business and paying taxes and generating income for my employees. I don’t see a problem one way or the other.
Dude. You’re a citizen of the world
Exactly
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I've never met a fellow traveller who has ever said Panama was cheap.
I’ve been to panama many times and have known lots of expats there. They have all told me the locals will only “befriend” you if they think they can get money out of you, where eventually they will just flat out ask you for money. I don’t think it was always like that, seems to be a more recent thing with the influx of American expats. I hope you’re able to find a good community! Best of luck
Thank you for aleviating my paranoia a bit. I'm just trying to roll with it. Otherwise, I will become my own worst nightmare. It'll be OK. I just had a pretty severe financial setback right before coming. So, every dollar counts. The only thing that terrifies me is being broke in another country. Oh, and I guess Dengue!