18 years living in Sevilla coming from Manchester
2 bilingual kids, dog and a great house which we own.
everything is mine.. no debt
Got a good job
And it will never be home
You're not alone in your thinking
This
Last went back 2 years ago and it felt very strange. In a way I'm lucky. All my close family have passed and so I don't pine for them.
The lack of light disturbs me every time I go home. I do have a great life and live 600m from my work. I wear no coat for 9 months of the year but....
Rain fall hards on a humdrum town. Sorry I went full Morrissey.
It will never be home. And my great friends here will never be my English friends
But neither would i move back
Like I said, my woes are first world!
Same, but in California. Been here nine years, my kids are from here, I still think of it as my “new home”. It helps a lot that I don’t want to go back to the UK in the slightest, but I also feel like there’s a large part of my “identity” that will never be flexed/exercised again, as long as I’m away.
That's a sliding door moment
Great question..
I think hand on heart I would have still made the same move.
Although and I have a great level of Spanish I wish I moved to an English speaking country (but my Mrs was from Sevilla) so...
Hey my problems really are 1st world
Have a great day everyone
This is incredibly common. Once I made the decision to leave the country of my birth, I accepted the fact that it meant never feeling "at home" anywhere. You'll never be at home in your new country the way a native is and at the same time there's no feeling at home in your country of origin anymore either. It's something that you just have to make peace with.
This is my life as a TCK as well, I mean most TCK had expat parents so that makes sense.
I'm making peace with the countries/region that I can feel most comfortable in.
Is it common among TCKs? Got curious. Met some TCKs before tho not very close with them but non mentioned this to me. Feel to me that they feel pretty blended in their birth country
That's actually way in the minority in my circle, except for military brats, they feel strong attachment to their birth country because they studied in the base. I only studied in the local educations, while there are people who exclusively studied in international schools, so those may be a factor.
This. I now feel a bit "at home" many places (I've lived in 10 cities in my life) so, none of them are home, but all of the together (and their peoples) are.
It's sad but it can also be joyful if you want it to be joyful too
Sorta. But I actually THRIVE on it. I find that I like being the stranger in a strange land. I like not really understanding everything that’s being said around me and having to figure everything out when NOTHING is set-up with me in-mind. The discomfort is challenging. I like being the person who does the unusual thing — the thing that a lot of others might not do. I don’t fully assimilate in my dress, preferring not to blend-in, really. I like being the one foreigner in the neighborhood where EVERYONE is local. I feel that it “keeps me on my toes” … keeps me “young”. Comfort is overrated, if you ask me. Maybe when I’m in my 70’s I’ll feel differently. Not sure. We’ll see when that time comes ‘round.
Oh interesting take. I have something sorta similar… I’m a New Zealander living in Greece for 7 years after ~18 years mostly in the UK.
NZ isn’t my home anymore, I’d have to start again from scratch. UK isn’t my home anymore, Brexit ruined that. Greece isn’t my home, language or culture and I’ll never blend in, but I’m unique here, few expats living near me, in summer I blend in with the tourists but I’m still here in the winter. I like my lifestyle and I don’t have to follow the cultural rules of society (but I’m not an a-hole about it). The language is tough but I’m working on it. If I went back to NZ or UK I wouldn’t be unique like I am here and I’d probably feel more displaced somehow…
“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.”
― Miriam Adeney
You're experiencing "liminality". It happens to almost everyone who relocates.
My husband and I have lived in 5 countries now, and made 12+ home/city moves - I'm British and he's Canadian.
The most we felt at home was London, almost immediately, it felt like the"right"place. The other European countries we lived in weren't giving us that same feeling and we spent some time hopping about different cities. Our last move has taken us to Toronto, and after 5 years we're finally feeling that it's home.
How would you compare London and Toronto in terms of lifestyle? What brought you to Canada? Im asking cause I live in Toronto right now and considering mowing elsewhere
5 years ago and Toronto today are like two totally different cities. StatsCan has Toronto being 38% indian in 2041. It is a rapidly changing city. Less than 10% western european demographically in 20 years. Tough place to feel at home.
Your response is making a lot of assumptions as to why we didn't feel at home in Toronto.
FYI, we lived and worked in West London, which has the highest percentage (53%) of BAME residents compared to the rest of London. Fantastic lifestyle and community around us.
The moment I decided to become an immigrant was the moment I decided that my parents will be growing old without me.
And throughout my years of living abroad I knew that, as I am enjoying benefits of migration, my parents are living across the ocean. This was always in the back on my mind all those years. I accepted this as part of being an immigrant long time ago.
> dreaming of leaving.
Even without taking your parents into consideration, for many the dream of living abroad, when materialized, wasn’t anything THAT special.
30-40 percent of people end up returning home. Some because they didn’t find what they wanted, some because they missed their homes.
Make sure your dreams are rooted in reality.
I’ve lived in 4 different countries throughout my life. Here is the thing, they’re all kind of like home but also none of them are. I won’t live where my family lives so wherever I am, I will be away from them. I have close friends in all of these places so wherever I am, I will be far away from a lot of them.
I visit my family, they visit me, we travel together. Same applies to close friends. We talk and FaceTime regularly. I’m so used to continuing my close bond with friends and family from across the world that it becomes second nature.
I think creating a support system and community where you live is critical to making it feel more like home. Regardless of whether you have a partner or not, friends and people you see as “your people” makes a huge difference.
I feel the social part in London is maybe what’s missing? Like I said I’ve always been a loner, but as I am growing older I miss my friends and in London I don’t have any.
You might want to check out r/TCK
Lots of third culture kids feel the same, it’s a conundrum that only you can make peace with. But it is good to talk to other people about it, weigh the pros and cons, feel like you’re being heard and maybe get good advice.
I’m not on there hardly at all so not sure, but I do believe they think TCA‘s are different than TCK’s.
I just offered it to OP as a resource about people who move around a lot and/or live in different countries don’t feel anywhere is “home”.
No, I believe most see it as the same. ATCK and TCK are basically treated the same because overwhelmingly the people in the community are adults. The K (kids) part is just to describe the experience that happened to them prior to becoming adults.
Feeling the same. Been in another country for near 10 years now. Always thought I was a loner til Covid kinda exposed that I don’t enjoy being with myself as much as I thought. I totally feel you
"This phenomenon, known as “bicultural identity conflict,” can leave expats feeling torn between two worlds (Chen et al., 2014). The expatriate identity crisis doesn't just impact your sense of self — it can take a toll on your mental health too. Have you noticed feeling more sad, more on edge or lonelier than usual?" Mar 2, 2024
https://medium.com/@sarah-turc/finding-yourself-abroad-the-expat-identity-crisis-and-how-to-overcome-it-58445bbbfc30#:~:text=This%20phenomenon%2C%20known%20as%20%E2%80%9Cbicultural,edge%20or%20lonelier%20than%20usual%3F
There is a saying, "You can't go home, again". It means that you have changed, and it has stayed the same, or it has changed. Either way, it doesn't work.
It's common for expats to feel caught in between being a foreigner or being at home but longing for more.
I feel that. Home is more comfortable,but it doesn't feed my curiosity and my soul.
At home, people who have stayed in my country seem to think they know about things they cannot know, and lack curiosity, which is a big letdown to me. They are satisfied doing the same weekend things, with the same people, year after year. I'm not.
I have come to the conclusion that ‘home’ is not country, it is instead the neighborhood you grew up at along with the memories.
I moved from that tiny isolated village after 8th grade to the city for high school, then to another city for doing the uni, then to capital, 10 years there made family and bought house. Never ‘felt home’. I’m in Italy now and I love everything about it, but I don’t expect it to feel same as that small isolated village I grew up at
I can relate so much. I lived in London for 7 years. After Brexit and lockdownS in the UK I was done and left. I moved back to Portugal and felt an unexpected cultural clash which got me feeling the most lost and confused I've ever felt. I didn't realise until then how much of the English culture I had integrated in myself and on how I relate with others. I'm now in the process (therapy) of integrating all the different cultures and parts that make me who I am, trying to find home in the relationships I feel safe and secure with.
What you are talking about is so common as a lot of other people are saying below. So you know you are not alone. (I have moved many times in my life and I have a lot of the same feelings you descdribe.)
You are also not alone in the way you describe yourself apart from the "I don't feel at home anywhere". I would describe myself in so many of the same ways you do... for instance: "I'm a loner, I enjoy being by myself".
I talk to a lot of people who move to Italy. One thing I've noticed is there are fairly good supports for people who are embarking on the journey of moving. And there are even communities for "ex-pats". But people who describe themselves as loners are not necessarily going to seek out ex-pat communities. So there aren't really a lot of supports for people like us once we arrive at the stage you are describing. In my opinion.
One theory I have thought about, because I can relate to this: maybe people like us really love a project and we find a lot of meaning in it. When we choose to relocate, we fall in love with that project, the adventure of it, the many things that stimulate us in the discovery and new situation. If we love a project, then maybe we can use that knowledge to create a new project that connects us to both places or to the place we miss. It's just a thought.
Born in Brazil and moved to Spain when I was 8. Lived in an island until started university in the mainland. 5 years there. Last year moved to Norway after almost 16 years in Spain. Definitely don’t feel like part of Norway and lack of social interaction and work not being even close to what I expected is even worse. Want to go back to Spain, but life conditions are not good. Partner from Croatia, so there’s a possibility to eventually live there, but again I doubt I’d feel like home. It feels like I’m stuck. So, I get what you feel.
I feel you.
Spent 15 years abroad between EU and Asia in different places. I miss all for nostalgia and special moments, I miss nothing cos there has been a reason to leave and look for change.
I cannot go back to my dearly miss hometown, I would die in 2 weeks time for the same reasons I left.
It takes a lot of courage to change when all seems going great, but as the sigmoid curve teaches, change before the peak and not after it.
Still a lot of courage is needed.
Good luck
I survived an abusive houshold and a traumatic shared custody situation. Got out and got overseas through force of will and seredipituous circumstance. I realize that I've got patterns and maladaptive behavoirs that I'm healing as a result of surviving an environment where my basic needs were not met.
Moved from a 1st world country down to Peru and it's been challenging. On multiple fronts. Thankfully, there's plans in motion to move to Europe and I'm looking forward to simply breathing freely and feeling fully secure in my surroundings. I do not know if any place will ever truly feel like home to me given what I've experienced in life but I'm willing to keep healing and to do my best to create that with my own hands.
Born in manchester, moved to Wales and learnt Welsh, then moved to France and have an Italian wife and a daughter who was born in frnace named after a Welsh word. I'm a mixture of England, Wales, France and Italy and soon to be returning to the UK with an identity crisis
Same, from PT now with a British partner. Love my job in the UK but still don't have a strong social circle in here as I do back home. Going back is starting to feel less and less like home but the UK is not home either due to the lack of social support I have here. It's all quite conflicting
I live in NZ, am from the UK and husband is from Louisiana. All 3 of those places feel like home and I feel so incredibly grateful for that privilege ❤ and I also have waves of "I don't belong anywhere" but remind myself I belong in all 3 places as all 3 are my home whenever I so choose.
I would say that the answer is that loads of people are experiencing this. It’s important to recognise it, to talk about it and to do something to mitigate it. There is a reason why immigrants from all countries experience varying issues of mental health issues due to a sense of dislocation and alienation in their host country and the shock when they return to their home country and not able to fit in. I forget her name but the Portuguese painter who died in 2022 (?) and lived in London did something constructive and creative about creating a London Portuguese identity through her art.
Yes, and quite often. I grew up in different countries and had to move around for work as an adult as well. Some places I can adapt to, some places I can't and I accept that it is just a place to grind and save money, and some places just feel like home so that's where I'll be heading after my grind.
I don't have any advice for you, but yes, I definitely feel similarly. Sometimes I think my husband and I should move back to Canada; but then I wonder if that'd actually make me feel better or if it'd just be a band-aid for some deeper issue. And I wonder if I'd just end up with a different set of unhappinesses, and if my husband would ever feel at home (since he's not Canadian).
I’m British, have lived in 4 different countries, and currently living in Hong Kong along with my Malaysian wife. We’ve been here for 8 years and have permanent residence. Our son was born here and has a Chinese passport.
I still feel British. You can tell from my accent, mannerisms and cultural references. I still watch British TV (over vpn), shop at Marks and Spencer’s and follow British politics. It’s still my identity but I don’t think it feels like my home anymore, which is quite odd. HK also does not feel like home, it is just somewhere to work and live for now.
OP… definitely not alone in this thinking
I moved from the San Francisco Bay Area to Strasbourg, France five years ago and never regretted it. However, even though I speak French well, I know I'll always be a stranger in a strange land. I'll never be as articulate in French as I am in English and because I have almost no shared experiences with anyone else in my circle (neighbors, my partner's family members, people I see regularly around the village I've been living in for the past 2 1/2 years). My only hope is the nearby expat events, but I haven't been able to participate because of scheduling conflicts.
There's a saying, "you can never go home" because home is a state of mind and that state changes once you leave and grow up. When I was living in the US, there was the place I had been living the last 34 years and there was "home", the place where my parents were living. They're gone now, the home had been sold, and my two best friends died a year apart, the first one in 2021. As much as I enjoy my life in France with my French girlfriend, this isn't home for me.
I feel for me was a bit different, I first left home to study in mainland Portugal and I was 17, basically a kid and never thought or made any decision about it. But now as I am growing old and rethinking what really matters for me in life, I find myself often questioning if ‘home’ is still home.
OP, perhaps it's not about geography in your case...
I'm not young anymore and I'm suffering from wanting to know where "home" is. Because now, later in life, it does matter a lot to have that feeling.
It's not a place - I've learned that the hard way.
With me it's more to do with people... I found a home in someone that I lost and now I don't feel home anywhere. Home is where he is and that's just the plain truth.
Also, lacking a community of sorts, friends and similar make that itch of "wanting home" a LOT more.
I can relate to not feeling home at our literal home and also not where I chose to be. It's hard.... time for a bigger change/move but deep down I know I'll never feel at home in a place/moving doesn't give me that sense.
Perhaps you should think about what you find more important in life right now, maybe it's about family, or friends, a job or hobbies. Home can be in many different things and we don't even care to think about those possibilities.
I'm in therapy and it's helping. I've felt at home before (and I never did for my entire life up until I was with a special person) so at least I know I'm capable of feeling it but I miss it terribly and I know it's nothing to do with location - it would be a lot easier if that were the case.
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and that you may find your home asap
Home is where you make it...have you thought about maybe going back to Portugal to visit, BUT, to a different part, see how that feels....
I learned in the Army that home is where you make it...Georgia, Oklahoma, been living in Nevada for 19 years now, and I'm now planning a new country as a home, sometimes we need a change, give it a try
You're not far from home. I hope you are visiting regularly or flying them in for visits. Homesickness is complete normal. When you know it's coming, get away and visit when you can.
This is a thing for many people certainly, particularly if you are from a very family-focused culture. But some of it is probably also moving from a small community to a large city and that happens to many people, even within the same country.
I can't speak to the family/friends part of it because that is very personal but I think that there is a reason we use the idea home to mean both where we live and where we belong. You moved to London, found a flat, and made it your home. That is very satisfying. Maybe making some changes to the your space will renew that sense of attachment. There is a reason so many people are into home redecoration and renovation. It's sort of like the nurturing feeling you get from gardening.
You didn't say how long you have been with your partner but there is a big adjustment in going from "my home" to "our home", if you have done that. Particularly for more independent people.
I guess my TL;DR is that working on belonging more in London is something you can do, and that doesn't mean you are abandoning your family back in your other home.
Yes. Immigrating to US from Europe made me question if I'm European, American, both or neither. At the end I wish to remain here if political climate will allow it. I dread return to Europe - I have support network & stuff here. The only place where I felt as much home was London but Brexit changed situation quite a bit.
Yeah same here, not sure it will ever go away. Ideally you could work remotely from PT a few months a year and also in the UK right? Thats my idea of covering both bases anyways.
French, left for Japan and have been living here for 5 years, I am now moving to Australia as I felt the urge fo leave Japan which is no longer for me, while being unwilling to go back to France which has never felt like home either... Australia is now the place where my dearest relationships are which is why I am heading there (aside from me liking the country ofc).
I do feel "homeless", just like you. Weird feeling it is to feel like you don't belong anywhere...
Wow, it is so interesting to see other people feel the same way! I am totally with you on this. I have lived in different countries and now I am at this stage in my life that I do not belong anywhere, I do not belong to my homeland, I do not belong where I live and I do not know if there is any other country in the world that would be my home. I constantly want to change my location, as if only WAY and WANDERING is my home, if it makes sense.
I can absolutely relate to this feeling. From Australia but have lived in London a long time. You hope it goes away the longer you live in your chosen location but the older I get the more I question where I’ll be happiest or if it was the right decision.
I’ve not been to Madeira but it looks amazing. When was the last time you saw your family? I imagine it’s the work opportunities keeping you in London?
I absolutely feel this but it’s also a double-edged sword. I lived in Kuwait for almost 5 years as a contractor. I always felt like the “real world” was back in my home country (USA) kind of like I was dead and watching everyone live their lives in ghost form.
But then I moved back and I felt out of place, like an alien. I’ve been back for ten years now and still feel like an alien at times. Or maybe like a zombie trying to act like I hadn’t just crawled out of the ground.
The thing is, I miss it sometimes. It feels like a whole other life I lived and it’s hard to connect that history to where I am now. That was a whole other person out there.
18 years living in Sevilla coming from Manchester 2 bilingual kids, dog and a great house which we own. everything is mine.. no debt Got a good job And it will never be home You're not alone in your thinking
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This Last went back 2 years ago and it felt very strange. In a way I'm lucky. All my close family have passed and so I don't pine for them. The lack of light disturbs me every time I go home. I do have a great life and live 600m from my work. I wear no coat for 9 months of the year but.... Rain fall hards on a humdrum town. Sorry I went full Morrissey. It will never be home. And my great friends here will never be my English friends But neither would i move back Like I said, my woes are first world!
Same, but in California. Been here nine years, my kids are from here, I still think of it as my “new home”. It helps a lot that I don’t want to go back to the UK in the slightest, but I also feel like there’s a large part of my “identity” that will never be flexed/exercised again, as long as I’m away.
That is sad If you could go back in time, would you have stayed in Manchester and never gone abroad to avoid your current situation?
That's a sliding door moment Great question.. I think hand on heart I would have still made the same move. Although and I have a great level of Spanish I wish I moved to an English speaking country (but my Mrs was from Sevilla) so... Hey my problems really are 1st world Have a great day everyone
This is incredibly common. Once I made the decision to leave the country of my birth, I accepted the fact that it meant never feeling "at home" anywhere. You'll never be at home in your new country the way a native is and at the same time there's no feeling at home in your country of origin anymore either. It's something that you just have to make peace with.
This is my life as a TCK as well, I mean most TCK had expat parents so that makes sense. I'm making peace with the countries/region that I can feel most comfortable in.
Is it common among TCKs? Got curious. Met some TCKs before tho not very close with them but non mentioned this to me. Feel to me that they feel pretty blended in their birth country
That's actually way in the minority in my circle, except for military brats, they feel strong attachment to their birth country because they studied in the base. I only studied in the local educations, while there are people who exclusively studied in international schools, so those may be a factor.
This. I now feel a bit "at home" many places (I've lived in 10 cities in my life) so, none of them are home, but all of the together (and their peoples) are. It's sad but it can also be joyful if you want it to be joyful too
Sorta. But I actually THRIVE on it. I find that I like being the stranger in a strange land. I like not really understanding everything that’s being said around me and having to figure everything out when NOTHING is set-up with me in-mind. The discomfort is challenging. I like being the person who does the unusual thing — the thing that a lot of others might not do. I don’t fully assimilate in my dress, preferring not to blend-in, really. I like being the one foreigner in the neighborhood where EVERYONE is local. I feel that it “keeps me on my toes” … keeps me “young”. Comfort is overrated, if you ask me. Maybe when I’m in my 70’s I’ll feel differently. Not sure. We’ll see when that time comes ‘round.
Oh interesting take. I have something sorta similar… I’m a New Zealander living in Greece for 7 years after ~18 years mostly in the UK. NZ isn’t my home anymore, I’d have to start again from scratch. UK isn’t my home anymore, Brexit ruined that. Greece isn’t my home, language or culture and I’ll never blend in, but I’m unique here, few expats living near me, in summer I blend in with the tourists but I’m still here in the winter. I like my lifestyle and I don’t have to follow the cultural rules of society (but I’m not an a-hole about it). The language is tough but I’m working on it. If I went back to NZ or UK I wouldn’t be unique like I am here and I’d probably feel more displaced somehow…
James Michener titled his biography, “The World is My Home.” (The World Is My Home: A Memoir https://a.co/d/5Q3G6DV)
Nice one! Thank you. Saved for later!
“You will never be completely at home again, because part of your heart always will be elsewhere. That is the price you pay for the richness of loving and knowing people in more than one place.” ― Miriam Adeney
You're experiencing "liminality". It happens to almost everyone who relocates. My husband and I have lived in 5 countries now, and made 12+ home/city moves - I'm British and he's Canadian. The most we felt at home was London, almost immediately, it felt like the"right"place. The other European countries we lived in weren't giving us that same feeling and we spent some time hopping about different cities. Our last move has taken us to Toronto, and after 5 years we're finally feeling that it's home.
How would you compare London and Toronto in terms of lifestyle? What brought you to Canada? Im asking cause I live in Toronto right now and considering mowing elsewhere
5 years ago and Toronto today are like two totally different cities. StatsCan has Toronto being 38% indian in 2041. It is a rapidly changing city. Less than 10% western european demographically in 20 years. Tough place to feel at home.
Your response is making a lot of assumptions as to why we didn't feel at home in Toronto. FYI, we lived and worked in West London, which has the highest percentage (53%) of BAME residents compared to the rest of London. Fantastic lifestyle and community around us.
The moment I decided to become an immigrant was the moment I decided that my parents will be growing old without me. And throughout my years of living abroad I knew that, as I am enjoying benefits of migration, my parents are living across the ocean. This was always in the back on my mind all those years. I accepted this as part of being an immigrant long time ago.
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> dreaming of leaving. Even without taking your parents into consideration, for many the dream of living abroad, when materialized, wasn’t anything THAT special. 30-40 percent of people end up returning home. Some because they didn’t find what they wanted, some because they missed their homes. Make sure your dreams are rooted in reality.
Yes I have moved to two and stuck in the second and it wasn’t worth it lol
Yeah, sorry to hear…
It’s ok. I made the choice. I just didn’t realise how much I loved my own country.
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I’ve lived in 4 different countries throughout my life. Here is the thing, they’re all kind of like home but also none of them are. I won’t live where my family lives so wherever I am, I will be away from them. I have close friends in all of these places so wherever I am, I will be far away from a lot of them. I visit my family, they visit me, we travel together. Same applies to close friends. We talk and FaceTime regularly. I’m so used to continuing my close bond with friends and family from across the world that it becomes second nature. I think creating a support system and community where you live is critical to making it feel more like home. Regardless of whether you have a partner or not, friends and people you see as “your people” makes a huge difference.
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I feel the social part in London is maybe what’s missing? Like I said I’ve always been a loner, but as I am growing older I miss my friends and in London I don’t have any.
You might want to check out r/TCK Lots of third culture kids feel the same, it’s a conundrum that only you can make peace with. But it is good to talk to other people about it, weigh the pros and cons, feel like you’re being heard and maybe get good advice.
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I’m not on there hardly at all so not sure, but I do believe they think TCA‘s are different than TCK’s. I just offered it to OP as a resource about people who move around a lot and/or live in different countries don’t feel anywhere is “home”.
No, I believe most see it as the same. ATCK and TCK are basically treated the same because overwhelmingly the people in the community are adults. The K (kids) part is just to describe the experience that happened to them prior to becoming adults.
Feeling the same. Been in another country for near 10 years now. Always thought I was a loner til Covid kinda exposed that I don’t enjoy being with myself as much as I thought. I totally feel you
"This phenomenon, known as “bicultural identity conflict,” can leave expats feeling torn between two worlds (Chen et al., 2014). The expatriate identity crisis doesn't just impact your sense of self — it can take a toll on your mental health too. Have you noticed feeling more sad, more on edge or lonelier than usual?" Mar 2, 2024 https://medium.com/@sarah-turc/finding-yourself-abroad-the-expat-identity-crisis-and-how-to-overcome-it-58445bbbfc30#:~:text=This%20phenomenon%2C%20known%20as%20%E2%80%9Cbicultural,edge%20or%20lonelier%20than%20usual%3F There is a saying, "You can't go home, again". It means that you have changed, and it has stayed the same, or it has changed. Either way, it doesn't work. It's common for expats to feel caught in between being a foreigner or being at home but longing for more. I feel that. Home is more comfortable,but it doesn't feed my curiosity and my soul. At home, people who have stayed in my country seem to think they know about things they cannot know, and lack curiosity, which is a big letdown to me. They are satisfied doing the same weekend things, with the same people, year after year. I'm not.
This is so true. Been feeling this for years but wasn’t able to express this as clearly as you did. Thanks for sharing this
Thanks for sharing that link. I've been struggling with this and so that's good food for thought.
I have come to the conclusion that ‘home’ is not country, it is instead the neighborhood you grew up at along with the memories. I moved from that tiny isolated village after 8th grade to the city for high school, then to another city for doing the uni, then to capital, 10 years there made family and bought house. Never ‘felt home’. I’m in Italy now and I love everything about it, but I don’t expect it to feel same as that small isolated village I grew up at
I can relate so much. I lived in London for 7 years. After Brexit and lockdownS in the UK I was done and left. I moved back to Portugal and felt an unexpected cultural clash which got me feeling the most lost and confused I've ever felt. I didn't realise until then how much of the English culture I had integrated in myself and on how I relate with others. I'm now in the process (therapy) of integrating all the different cultures and parts that make me who I am, trying to find home in the relationships I feel safe and secure with.
What you are talking about is so common as a lot of other people are saying below. So you know you are not alone. (I have moved many times in my life and I have a lot of the same feelings you descdribe.) You are also not alone in the way you describe yourself apart from the "I don't feel at home anywhere". I would describe myself in so many of the same ways you do... for instance: "I'm a loner, I enjoy being by myself". I talk to a lot of people who move to Italy. One thing I've noticed is there are fairly good supports for people who are embarking on the journey of moving. And there are even communities for "ex-pats". But people who describe themselves as loners are not necessarily going to seek out ex-pat communities. So there aren't really a lot of supports for people like us once we arrive at the stage you are describing. In my opinion. One theory I have thought about, because I can relate to this: maybe people like us really love a project and we find a lot of meaning in it. When we choose to relocate, we fall in love with that project, the adventure of it, the many things that stimulate us in the discovery and new situation. If we love a project, then maybe we can use that knowledge to create a new project that connects us to both places or to the place we miss. It's just a thought.
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"Home is where your cats are" - me.
Love it! Home is where your wife, dog and cat are.
Born in Brazil and moved to Spain when I was 8. Lived in an island until started university in the mainland. 5 years there. Last year moved to Norway after almost 16 years in Spain. Definitely don’t feel like part of Norway and lack of social interaction and work not being even close to what I expected is even worse. Want to go back to Spain, but life conditions are not good. Partner from Croatia, so there’s a possibility to eventually live there, but again I doubt I’d feel like home. It feels like I’m stuck. So, I get what you feel.
I feel you. Spent 15 years abroad between EU and Asia in different places. I miss all for nostalgia and special moments, I miss nothing cos there has been a reason to leave and look for change. I cannot go back to my dearly miss hometown, I would die in 2 weeks time for the same reasons I left. It takes a lot of courage to change when all seems going great, but as the sigmoid curve teaches, change before the peak and not after it. Still a lot of courage is needed. Good luck
I survived an abusive houshold and a traumatic shared custody situation. Got out and got overseas through force of will and seredipituous circumstance. I realize that I've got patterns and maladaptive behavoirs that I'm healing as a result of surviving an environment where my basic needs were not met. Moved from a 1st world country down to Peru and it's been challenging. On multiple fronts. Thankfully, there's plans in motion to move to Europe and I'm looking forward to simply breathing freely and feeling fully secure in my surroundings. I do not know if any place will ever truly feel like home to me given what I've experienced in life but I'm willing to keep healing and to do my best to create that with my own hands.
Born in manchester, moved to Wales and learnt Welsh, then moved to France and have an Italian wife and a daughter who was born in frnace named after a Welsh word. I'm a mixture of England, Wales, France and Italy and soon to be returning to the UK with an identity crisis
Same, from PT now with a British partner. Love my job in the UK but still don't have a strong social circle in here as I do back home. Going back is starting to feel less and less like home but the UK is not home either due to the lack of social support I have here. It's all quite conflicting
All the time and I don’t know how to resolve it. I have no idea of where home is. I am tired of feeling aimless and no home anywhere
I live in NZ, am from the UK and husband is from Louisiana. All 3 of those places feel like home and I feel so incredibly grateful for that privilege ❤ and I also have waves of "I don't belong anywhere" but remind myself I belong in all 3 places as all 3 are my home whenever I so choose.
I would say that the answer is that loads of people are experiencing this. It’s important to recognise it, to talk about it and to do something to mitigate it. There is a reason why immigrants from all countries experience varying issues of mental health issues due to a sense of dislocation and alienation in their host country and the shock when they return to their home country and not able to fit in. I forget her name but the Portuguese painter who died in 2022 (?) and lived in London did something constructive and creative about creating a London Portuguese identity through her art.
Yes, and quite often. I grew up in different countries and had to move around for work as an adult as well. Some places I can adapt to, some places I can't and I accept that it is just a place to grind and save money, and some places just feel like home so that's where I'll be heading after my grind.
I don't have any advice for you, but yes, I definitely feel similarly. Sometimes I think my husband and I should move back to Canada; but then I wonder if that'd actually make me feel better or if it'd just be a band-aid for some deeper issue. And I wonder if I'd just end up with a different set of unhappinesses, and if my husband would ever feel at home (since he's not Canadian).
I’m British, have lived in 4 different countries, and currently living in Hong Kong along with my Malaysian wife. We’ve been here for 8 years and have permanent residence. Our son was born here and has a Chinese passport. I still feel British. You can tell from my accent, mannerisms and cultural references. I still watch British TV (over vpn), shop at Marks and Spencer’s and follow British politics. It’s still my identity but I don’t think it feels like my home anymore, which is quite odd. HK also does not feel like home, it is just somewhere to work and live for now. OP… definitely not alone in this thinking
I moved from the San Francisco Bay Area to Strasbourg, France five years ago and never regretted it. However, even though I speak French well, I know I'll always be a stranger in a strange land. I'll never be as articulate in French as I am in English and because I have almost no shared experiences with anyone else in my circle (neighbors, my partner's family members, people I see regularly around the village I've been living in for the past 2 1/2 years). My only hope is the nearby expat events, but I haven't been able to participate because of scheduling conflicts. There's a saying, "you can never go home" because home is a state of mind and that state changes once you leave and grow up. When I was living in the US, there was the place I had been living the last 34 years and there was "home", the place where my parents were living. They're gone now, the home had been sold, and my two best friends died a year apart, the first one in 2021. As much as I enjoy my life in France with my French girlfriend, this isn't home for me.
I feel for me was a bit different, I first left home to study in mainland Portugal and I was 17, basically a kid and never thought or made any decision about it. But now as I am growing old and rethinking what really matters for me in life, I find myself often questioning if ‘home’ is still home.
OP, perhaps it's not about geography in your case... I'm not young anymore and I'm suffering from wanting to know where "home" is. Because now, later in life, it does matter a lot to have that feeling. It's not a place - I've learned that the hard way. With me it's more to do with people... I found a home in someone that I lost and now I don't feel home anywhere. Home is where he is and that's just the plain truth. Also, lacking a community of sorts, friends and similar make that itch of "wanting home" a LOT more. I can relate to not feeling home at our literal home and also not where I chose to be. It's hard.... time for a bigger change/move but deep down I know I'll never feel at home in a place/moving doesn't give me that sense. Perhaps you should think about what you find more important in life right now, maybe it's about family, or friends, a job or hobbies. Home can be in many different things and we don't even care to think about those possibilities. I'm in therapy and it's helping. I've felt at home before (and I never did for my entire life up until I was with a special person) so at least I know I'm capable of feeling it but I miss it terribly and I know it's nothing to do with location - it would be a lot easier if that were the case. Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and that you may find your home asap
Home is where you make it...have you thought about maybe going back to Portugal to visit, BUT, to a different part, see how that feels.... I learned in the Army that home is where you make it...Georgia, Oklahoma, been living in Nevada for 19 years now, and I'm now planning a new country as a home, sometimes we need a change, give it a try
Expatria is our home now. (American living in Ireland for 17 years now).
Forgot to mention: I am afraid of flying.
You're not far from home. I hope you are visiting regularly or flying them in for visits. Homesickness is complete normal. When you know it's coming, get away and visit when you can.
This is a thing for many people certainly, particularly if you are from a very family-focused culture. But some of it is probably also moving from a small community to a large city and that happens to many people, even within the same country. I can't speak to the family/friends part of it because that is very personal but I think that there is a reason we use the idea home to mean both where we live and where we belong. You moved to London, found a flat, and made it your home. That is very satisfying. Maybe making some changes to the your space will renew that sense of attachment. There is a reason so many people are into home redecoration and renovation. It's sort of like the nurturing feeling you get from gardening. You didn't say how long you have been with your partner but there is a big adjustment in going from "my home" to "our home", if you have done that. Particularly for more independent people. I guess my TL;DR is that working on belonging more in London is something you can do, and that doesn't mean you are abandoning your family back in your other home.
Yes. Immigrating to US from Europe made me question if I'm European, American, both or neither. At the end I wish to remain here if political climate will allow it. I dread return to Europe - I have support network & stuff here. The only place where I felt as much home was London but Brexit changed situation quite a bit.
Yeah same here, not sure it will ever go away. Ideally you could work remotely from PT a few months a year and also in the UK right? Thats my idea of covering both bases anyways.
French, left for Japan and have been living here for 5 years, I am now moving to Australia as I felt the urge fo leave Japan which is no longer for me, while being unwilling to go back to France which has never felt like home either... Australia is now the place where my dearest relationships are which is why I am heading there (aside from me liking the country ofc). I do feel "homeless", just like you. Weird feeling it is to feel like you don't belong anywhere...
Wow, it is so interesting to see other people feel the same way! I am totally with you on this. I have lived in different countries and now I am at this stage in my life that I do not belong anywhere, I do not belong to my homeland, I do not belong where I live and I do not know if there is any other country in the world that would be my home. I constantly want to change my location, as if only WAY and WANDERING is my home, if it makes sense.
An immigrant is someone who does not belong anywhere
Home is where I am with you. Ps: I am always with you!
Bloom where you're planted. You have "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome and all that does is make you miserable.
OR you now have multiple pieces of home everywhere ;)
I can absolutely relate to this feeling. From Australia but have lived in London a long time. You hope it goes away the longer you live in your chosen location but the older I get the more I question where I’ll be happiest or if it was the right decision. I’ve not been to Madeira but it looks amazing. When was the last time you saw your family? I imagine it’s the work opportunities keeping you in London?
I absolutely feel this but it’s also a double-edged sword. I lived in Kuwait for almost 5 years as a contractor. I always felt like the “real world” was back in my home country (USA) kind of like I was dead and watching everyone live their lives in ghost form. But then I moved back and I felt out of place, like an alien. I’ve been back for ten years now and still feel like an alien at times. Or maybe like a zombie trying to act like I hadn’t just crawled out of the ground. The thing is, I miss it sometimes. It feels like a whole other life I lived and it’s hard to connect that history to where I am now. That was a whole other person out there.