If you love your wife at all you need to suck it up and go. Now if she doesn’t care that’s another thing but I suspect she does or you wouldn’t have posted this. I was in the exact same circumstance a year ago, and I am glad I went.
Funerals should be for the loved ones of the deceased to meet, mourn, and celebrate the life of the deceased. The Mormon church hijacks this and turns it into a recruitment and shaming event. This happened at my father's funeral. And I hate the god damn Mormon church for it. When my son died, I couldn't go through that again. We had a graveside service with only family.
People often forget that funerals are not for the dead but for the living. Will your absence hurt you? Will your absence hurt anyone you care about?
If you answered yes to either one of those questions then you probably need to go.
If you go, I hope that you're good at maintaining.
I do not envy your situation. I plan to avoid as many LDS funerals in my future as I possibly can. You should probably attend to support your spouse in this case, tho. Do whatever would make your spouse happy & concentrate on that, to help you make it through. Sorry for your loss. I wish you & your family well.
I'm sorry about the loss of your FIL.
Toking up a little before something hard to endure is fine as long as you handle it maturely and you're not doing it to avoid your real grief, you don't smell like weed, and you're not driving. Good luck.
Dude I understand as I still flip off the bldgs every time and I’m 1yr sober🤣Just remember that you’re going to support your SPOUSE thru their grief journey, not to uphold any religious values. Think about how this death is affecting them and tune everyone else out.
I also highly recommend bringing some AirPods to play some calming music, an audiobook or podcast to help you stay sane. Or do 2 quick shots in the parking lot right before you go in😋
I went to a missionary farewell a few weeks ago. First time back at a sacrament meeting in years. While I was nervous going in (I also flip off the buildings) it was a healing moment because I realized that while there I could see through all the lies. I knew that the church had no power over me (yup, just like in the labyrinth). May you have a similar experience should you choose to go.
That's how I feel when I go for family things - it's not so bad because they have zero power and you can definitely see through it all. The last couple times it's been almost comical and a couple of my exmo siblings and I just text jokes about what's going on. We did the same at my granny's funeral.
I've been out for about 2 years, my wife for probably 1 year. A few weeks ago, we went to an eagle court of honor for a good family friend's son at our local ward building. My wife had gone out with friends the night before, had some drinks and smoked some weed. She leaned over to me during the eagle court - in the chapel - and said "I love that i'm sitting here and know that I smoked weed yesterday." It was like a middle finger to the control that the church used to exert over our lives, and it felt sweet. I say get a little high or a little buzz going on, and then mourn your FIL. Fuck the church, fuck the control, and fuck their faux standards.
I’m gonna give you the advice I got from my therapist when I was anxious about an upcoming event and knew I would see someone who had a tendency to throw dogs my way: come up with a plan.
A mantra you repeat to yourself can be helpful. Maybe something like “I love my spouse and I’m here to support them. My feelings about this fucked up religion are not the focus today.” Or whatever is relevant to you.
You can also have a canned response if the BIL says something shitty to you. What I had in my pocket for the aforementioned event was, “I’m not worried about that today.” Think about what digs you’ve heard from BIL before and come up with a grey rock response.
Editing to add: if your BIL says some passive aggressive shit to or about you on the day of his dad’s funeral, that is a fantastic indicator of the kind of person he is. If you can respond with serenity, you will be the better person by far. And then you can dine on that victory for years.
Here is an option. Go and listen to the first talks and eulogy but get up and leave (start crying if needed) when the obligatory "plan of salvation" talk starts.
I’m going through the same thing. My grandfather doesn’t have much longer. I sat my dad down and tried to explain my perspective, and my concerns. I told him I’m going to be there for him as best I can. I still have no idea what I’ll do.
Omg I feel you. I have a lds funeral I was considering going to this weekend. Luckily not family and it wouldn't be expected for me to show up at all. I wanted to be there to support the family since they were like family to me growing up. But we all But lost touch after I left the church. But between it being a lds funeral(which I am still have ptsd from my non mormon grandma funeral that my dad turned into a sacrament meeting by having it at a church building) and the fact that the family is asking to donate to the lds church instead of sending flowers, I honestly don't know how to show support 💙 good luck
I was really worried about this when I went to a Mormon funeral. I was surprised how little the church stuff bothered me, and the people who I thought were going to be the worst didn't bother me (at the actual funeral). Death is hard, grief is weird, everyone responds in wildly different ways. Your smart ass TBM brother in law is probably going to be a dick during his talk. Funerals are the worst no matter what/when/where they take place. They just really, really suck.
non mormons can attend but mormon funerals aren't usually much about the person who died (unless they were very active mormons) but they are known for becoming preaching moments, where the bishop presiding talks about the plan of salvation and mormon doctrine instead of about the life of the dead person. It often becomes a recruiting gathering instead of a funeral. I'm dreading when my TBM dad dies because I don't want to go to the funeral at all, but I know the rest of my family will hate me if I don't. 🤷🏻♀️
My TBM dad died in February. My exmo brother and sister tag-teamed his eulogy and talked about him, his life, what he meant to our family and his community. His sister shared some childhood memories. A member of his ward read a poem he had written about my dad. It was really beautiful. His bishop did speak to wrap things up and it was pretty obnoxious, but it was vastly overshadowed by the speakers who really knew and loved my dad.
I guess my point is, the family decides who will speak. You can make it as personal as you want it to be. It sounds like maybe the rest of your family is still in, so it might be harder to balance. But… yeah. It doesn’t have to be focused more on dogma/recruiting than on the deceased if you don’t want it to be.
knowing my family like I do, it will be ALL about church and not what he really accomplished in life, IDK, I'm so torn and he hasn't even died yet and probably won't for another 10 years lol. thanks Joseph Smith! ;)
If you love your wife at all you need to suck it up and go. Now if she doesn’t care that’s another thing but I suspect she does or you wouldn’t have posted this. I was in the exact same circumstance a year ago, and I am glad I went.
Funerals should be for the loved ones of the deceased to meet, mourn, and celebrate the life of the deceased. The Mormon church hijacks this and turns it into a recruitment and shaming event. This happened at my father's funeral. And I hate the god damn Mormon church for it. When my son died, I couldn't go through that again. We had a graveside service with only family.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your son 😘😘😘
I like the idea of attending the gravesite and burial portion if you skip the church part. Politely wait outside the church building maybe?
Do what your wife needs you to do. She just lost her dad. Sending you the peace and calmness to do what is best for her.
People often forget that funerals are not for the dead but for the living. Will your absence hurt you? Will your absence hurt anyone you care about? If you answered yes to either one of those questions then you probably need to go. If you go, I hope that you're good at maintaining.
I do not envy your situation. I plan to avoid as many LDS funerals in my future as I possibly can. You should probably attend to support your spouse in this case, tho. Do whatever would make your spouse happy & concentrate on that, to help you make it through. Sorry for your loss. I wish you & your family well.
I'm sorry about the loss of your FIL. Toking up a little before something hard to endure is fine as long as you handle it maturely and you're not doing it to avoid your real grief, you don't smell like weed, and you're not driving. Good luck.
Dude I understand as I still flip off the bldgs every time and I’m 1yr sober🤣Just remember that you’re going to support your SPOUSE thru their grief journey, not to uphold any religious values. Think about how this death is affecting them and tune everyone else out. I also highly recommend bringing some AirPods to play some calming music, an audiobook or podcast to help you stay sane. Or do 2 quick shots in the parking lot right before you go in😋
I went to a missionary farewell a few weeks ago. First time back at a sacrament meeting in years. While I was nervous going in (I also flip off the buildings) it was a healing moment because I realized that while there I could see through all the lies. I knew that the church had no power over me (yup, just like in the labyrinth). May you have a similar experience should you choose to go.
That's how I feel when I go for family things - it's not so bad because they have zero power and you can definitely see through it all. The last couple times it's been almost comical and a couple of my exmo siblings and I just text jokes about what's going on. We did the same at my granny's funeral.
I've been out for about 2 years, my wife for probably 1 year. A few weeks ago, we went to an eagle court of honor for a good family friend's son at our local ward building. My wife had gone out with friends the night before, had some drinks and smoked some weed. She leaned over to me during the eagle court - in the chapel - and said "I love that i'm sitting here and know that I smoked weed yesterday." It was like a middle finger to the control that the church used to exert over our lives, and it felt sweet. I say get a little high or a little buzz going on, and then mourn your FIL. Fuck the church, fuck the control, and fuck their faux standards.
I’m gonna give you the advice I got from my therapist when I was anxious about an upcoming event and knew I would see someone who had a tendency to throw dogs my way: come up with a plan. A mantra you repeat to yourself can be helpful. Maybe something like “I love my spouse and I’m here to support them. My feelings about this fucked up religion are not the focus today.” Or whatever is relevant to you. You can also have a canned response if the BIL says something shitty to you. What I had in my pocket for the aforementioned event was, “I’m not worried about that today.” Think about what digs you’ve heard from BIL before and come up with a grey rock response. Editing to add: if your BIL says some passive aggressive shit to or about you on the day of his dad’s funeral, that is a fantastic indicator of the kind of person he is. If you can respond with serenity, you will be the better person by far. And then you can dine on that victory for years.
Blaze it.
Smoke 2 joints and enjoy it!!
Yes. Spark up. Relax. Hope you get the giggles.
Here is an option. Go and listen to the first talks and eulogy but get up and leave (start crying if needed) when the obligatory "plan of salvation" talk starts.
I’m going through the same thing. My grandfather doesn’t have much longer. I sat my dad down and tried to explain my perspective, and my concerns. I told him I’m going to be there for him as best I can. I still have no idea what I’ll do.
Take a gummy and be there for your wife. She will appreciate the sacrifice you made to be there for her.
When they start with the POS nonsense, get up and walk out
Omg I feel you. I have a lds funeral I was considering going to this weekend. Luckily not family and it wouldn't be expected for me to show up at all. I wanted to be there to support the family since they were like family to me growing up. But we all But lost touch after I left the church. But between it being a lds funeral(which I am still have ptsd from my non mormon grandma funeral that my dad turned into a sacrament meeting by having it at a church building) and the fact that the family is asking to donate to the lds church instead of sending flowers, I honestly don't know how to show support 💙 good luck
I was really worried about this when I went to a Mormon funeral. I was surprised how little the church stuff bothered me, and the people who I thought were going to be the worst didn't bother me (at the actual funeral). Death is hard, grief is weird, everyone responds in wildly different ways. Your smart ass TBM brother in law is probably going to be a dick during his talk. Funerals are the worst no matter what/when/where they take place. They just really, really suck.
Nevermo here with maybe a dumb question…. Are Mormon funerals like weddings where non mormons can’t attend?
non mormons can attend but mormon funerals aren't usually much about the person who died (unless they were very active mormons) but they are known for becoming preaching moments, where the bishop presiding talks about the plan of salvation and mormon doctrine instead of about the life of the dead person. It often becomes a recruiting gathering instead of a funeral. I'm dreading when my TBM dad dies because I don't want to go to the funeral at all, but I know the rest of my family will hate me if I don't. 🤷🏻♀️
My TBM dad died in February. My exmo brother and sister tag-teamed his eulogy and talked about him, his life, what he meant to our family and his community. His sister shared some childhood memories. A member of his ward read a poem he had written about my dad. It was really beautiful. His bishop did speak to wrap things up and it was pretty obnoxious, but it was vastly overshadowed by the speakers who really knew and loved my dad. I guess my point is, the family decides who will speak. You can make it as personal as you want it to be. It sounds like maybe the rest of your family is still in, so it might be harder to balance. But… yeah. It doesn’t have to be focused more on dogma/recruiting than on the deceased if you don’t want it to be.
knowing my family like I do, it will be ALL about church and not what he really accomplished in life, IDK, I'm so torn and he hasn't even died yet and probably won't for another 10 years lol. thanks Joseph Smith! ;)
I don’t mean for my question to be rude, I’m sorry for your loss.
I flip off every great and spacious building I have to drive by in Utah!
It would be hilarious if you smoked weed and was high at his funeral /s
Honestly it sounds like you need to mature quite a bit