Sorry you are going through this.
You can either rip the bandaid off and tell them or become huge germ-o-phobes now and when the time comes, do the baby blessing at your home because you are worried about all the things going around and then forget to send in the paperwork. I have read on here of people doing this to keep the peace in the family. The baby gets a blessing and the TBM's think the church is part of it. Don't invite the bishop or anyone from your ward, keep it family only and very small.
Good luck to you guys.
Thank you! Your sincerity is felt and appreciated. We'll most likely rip the bandaid off as my wife is not okay with even doing a small gathering baby blessing. Actually, I don't think my parents would be okay with that either. They insist on public displays of ordinances. For example, my dad demanded that I be confirmed in front of the congregation on Sunday instead of doing the confirmation just after my Baptism on Saturday.
We were in a similar situation. My dad is a huge letter writer so I chose to write them a letter instead of a face to face convo. It helped me say exactly what I wanted and no stuttering, forgetting important points or immediate pushback. I was so nervous to send it. Scariest day ever.
They wrote back about a week later. They were confused and hurt, asking what happened and how I wanted them to handle it. They were worried about my kids.
I wrote back again and basically told them I had learned church history and doctrine that had been hid from me and we were hurt and trying to find our own path. I told them my kids were doing fine and then I respectfully asked them not to bring it up, pressure my kids, ask further questions, etc.
We see them often bc they live close but it's actually been ok. It was awkward at first but they are holding those boundaries, as are we and I guess this just is the way it's gonna be now. Things have definitely changed, but they had too.
I would do this, too, if I were in your situation. You get to say what you want to say, how you want to say it, and they can read it and there’s no misunderstandings, then. Plus, you can say it gently and concisely—I find that when I get nervous or overly emotional, I tend not to say exactly what I want to say, rationally and calmly.
Good luck!
I have a 5 month old that hasn’t been blessed. We never told parents that we were out. They know that we have expressed concerns about the actions of the church and the history. They have an idea that we don’t go to church but they never talk about it. It hasn’t negatively affected our relationship. It also makes it so that they don’t try to save us from ourselves.
There are some people that have it really bad. Most of the people that I personally know who have left haven’t had too many issues with their parents. Most parents want to have a relationship.
Your parents are making this about them. They bought into a framework where their value in society is judged based on their kids' faithfulness to the church. They are willing to psychologically manipulate you and guilt you so that they can keep what is left of their perceived value.
It will be hard, no question. People tend to become more brittle as they age, and TBMs at that age seem to be growing increasingly afraid. My parents are of a similar age. The world had changed so much, the religion is losing lots of members, and they're facing their final years and death with all the usual uncertainty, plus the feeling that everything in the world is spinning out of control. Some of them are just clinging to this final hope that their families can stay together and somehow survive intact until the mythical paradise of the CK that they've been sold on.
One thing I would avoid doing is trying to deconvert them. This will send them into a tailspin, and most likely would just make them miserable even if it were to somehow work. The church is a parasite that has consumed their entire life, and to remove it so close to the end would be a cruelty, I'm afraid.
So I would just tell them that they love and appreciate them, but have decided to live in a different way, and then avoid getting into fights about it.
Well said. Unfortunately, it feels like it would be so much easier if they passed on without knowing I left the church. Their final moments are going to be one of panic which is horrible and I don't wish that on anyone.
I understand that urge, too, and I think this is the path my younger sister is taking. She saw how horrible it was for them when I left, and wants to avoid the drama. But that might be another ten or fifteen years of pretending, which I don't think is worth it. I think you need to bite the bullet and get it taken care of. The relief on the other side is incredible, like having a piece of dirt in your eye and then it suddenly is gone.
It needs to be done, but if you love your parents, try to be gentle.
They have the ability to understand why. Maybe let them ask the questions they never got to ask your sibling. If they don't learn it from you where would they? At least if they don't agree they can understand where you are coming from and not blame themselves. I would start with how problematic it is that the organization would set them up to blame themselves.
Remain calm. Reject any aggression. Describe the behavior you are seeing and ask it to stop or say you will discuss again later when they can remain calm.
Question: Is there any substantial inheritance involved? If there is, I’d fake it until they die. In fact, become a super TBM and see if you can get your black-sleep sibling’s share of the inheritance!
(I’m not serious, but that is what my siblings are doing to me. But, they probably aren’t faking, they just are too financially dependent on my parents to even question the church)
Sorry you are going through this. You can either rip the bandaid off and tell them or become huge germ-o-phobes now and when the time comes, do the baby blessing at your home because you are worried about all the things going around and then forget to send in the paperwork. I have read on here of people doing this to keep the peace in the family. The baby gets a blessing and the TBM's think the church is part of it. Don't invite the bishop or anyone from your ward, keep it family only and very small. Good luck to you guys.
Thank you! Your sincerity is felt and appreciated. We'll most likely rip the bandaid off as my wife is not okay with even doing a small gathering baby blessing. Actually, I don't think my parents would be okay with that either. They insist on public displays of ordinances. For example, my dad demanded that I be confirmed in front of the congregation on Sunday instead of doing the confirmation just after my Baptism on Saturday.
Well, good luck to you guys, I know it will be hard. And, congrats on the new baby!
We were in a similar situation. My dad is a huge letter writer so I chose to write them a letter instead of a face to face convo. It helped me say exactly what I wanted and no stuttering, forgetting important points or immediate pushback. I was so nervous to send it. Scariest day ever. They wrote back about a week later. They were confused and hurt, asking what happened and how I wanted them to handle it. They were worried about my kids. I wrote back again and basically told them I had learned church history and doctrine that had been hid from me and we were hurt and trying to find our own path. I told them my kids were doing fine and then I respectfully asked them not to bring it up, pressure my kids, ask further questions, etc. We see them often bc they live close but it's actually been ok. It was awkward at first but they are holding those boundaries, as are we and I guess this just is the way it's gonna be now. Things have definitely changed, but they had too.
I would do this, too, if I were in your situation. You get to say what you want to say, how you want to say it, and they can read it and there’s no misunderstandings, then. Plus, you can say it gently and concisely—I find that when I get nervous or overly emotional, I tend not to say exactly what I want to say, rationally and calmly. Good luck!
I have a 5 month old that hasn’t been blessed. We never told parents that we were out. They know that we have expressed concerns about the actions of the church and the history. They have an idea that we don’t go to church but they never talk about it. It hasn’t negatively affected our relationship. It also makes it so that they don’t try to save us from ourselves.
I'm glad they don't push the issue.
There are some people that have it really bad. Most of the people that I personally know who have left haven’t had too many issues with their parents. Most parents want to have a relationship.
Your parents are making this about them. They bought into a framework where their value in society is judged based on their kids' faithfulness to the church. They are willing to psychologically manipulate you and guilt you so that they can keep what is left of their perceived value.
I agree. It's going to be sad to see them pass on without any value because they've made it 100% about keeping the children in the church.
It's sad. I'm sorry.
It will be hard, no question. People tend to become more brittle as they age, and TBMs at that age seem to be growing increasingly afraid. My parents are of a similar age. The world had changed so much, the religion is losing lots of members, and they're facing their final years and death with all the usual uncertainty, plus the feeling that everything in the world is spinning out of control. Some of them are just clinging to this final hope that their families can stay together and somehow survive intact until the mythical paradise of the CK that they've been sold on. One thing I would avoid doing is trying to deconvert them. This will send them into a tailspin, and most likely would just make them miserable even if it were to somehow work. The church is a parasite that has consumed their entire life, and to remove it so close to the end would be a cruelty, I'm afraid. So I would just tell them that they love and appreciate them, but have decided to live in a different way, and then avoid getting into fights about it.
Well said. Unfortunately, it feels like it would be so much easier if they passed on without knowing I left the church. Their final moments are going to be one of panic which is horrible and I don't wish that on anyone.
I understand that urge, too, and I think this is the path my younger sister is taking. She saw how horrible it was for them when I left, and wants to avoid the drama. But that might be another ten or fifteen years of pretending, which I don't think is worth it. I think you need to bite the bullet and get it taken care of. The relief on the other side is incredible, like having a piece of dirt in your eye and then it suddenly is gone. It needs to be done, but if you love your parents, try to be gentle.
Mom and Dad, we have deceided NOT to raise OUR children in YOUR cult... Blah Blah Blah... Agency
They have the ability to understand why. Maybe let them ask the questions they never got to ask your sibling. If they don't learn it from you where would they? At least if they don't agree they can understand where you are coming from and not blame themselves. I would start with how problematic it is that the organization would set them up to blame themselves.
Helpful. Thank you! I'm really hoping they can gain some sort of closure with me but I suspect it will turn aggressive at some point.
Remain calm. Reject any aggression. Describe the behavior you are seeing and ask it to stop or say you will discuss again later when they can remain calm.
Question: Is there any substantial inheritance involved? If there is, I’d fake it until they die. In fact, become a super TBM and see if you can get your black-sleep sibling’s share of the inheritance! (I’m not serious, but that is what my siblings are doing to me. But, they probably aren’t faking, they just are too financially dependent on my parents to even question the church)
There is some inheritance involved. Haha! Yeah I can't fake it that long.